WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:06.400 Seam curl from the rim of my mug and Lazzie spirals, 2 00:00:06.639 --> 00:00:09.199 and I watched it absently, standing barefoot on the chilly 3 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.279 kitchen tile, while the rest of the apartment held at 4 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:14.039 breath in an early Sunday hush. I could hear the 5 00:00:14.080 --> 00:00:16.760 hum of traffic leaking through the old windows, muffled as 6 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:19.960 if the city mermured from another world. My phone pinged 7 00:00:19.960 --> 00:00:22.199 with our usual alarm Sunday brunch of Carr and Mark, 8 00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:24.079 just as I stacked two more mugs on to the 9 00:00:24.079 --> 00:00:27.120 breakfast bar. Adam was supposed to be home by now. 10 00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:31.640 I checked the time, ten twenty four. No sign of him. 11 00:00:32.119 --> 00:00:33.960 He left before dawn with a quick kiss on my 12 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:36.439 hair and that apologetic, sheepish half smile. A babe, I 13 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:39.359 swear I'll be back before brunch. Total nightmare. First home 14 00:00:39.399 --> 00:00:42.479 by panic attack. He'd rolled his ice ceiling ward, and 15 00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:44.880 I'd smile, already missing the weight of him next to me. 16 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:47.320 My coffee had turned cold by the time I heard 17 00:00:47.359 --> 00:00:51.240 his call, the engine noise already hinting he wasn't close. Hey, Hey, 18 00:00:51.359 --> 00:00:53.359 don't wait up for me, Adam said, too bright over 19 00:00:53.399 --> 00:00:56.679 the corus bluetooth. It's nuts out here. I'm sorry, babe, 20 00:00:56.759 --> 00:00:59.320 give every one my best. I'll try to swing by maybe, 21 00:00:59.359 --> 00:01:01.840 but don't count on me. I nearly said I could 22 00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:04.040 wait or ask if he wanted me to drop something off, 23 00:01:04.040 --> 00:01:06.680 but he was already half way into another apology. I 24 00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:09.359 heard him laugh at someone off mike before his voice returned. 25 00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:11.159 You know how it is in spring, everyone wants to 26 00:01:11.159 --> 00:01:13.439 see a place at the same time. Love you, I 27 00:01:13.480 --> 00:01:16.239 stared at the phone screen after thum hovering over reedal. 28 00:01:16.920 --> 00:01:19.840 I turned the radio up instead, filling silence with static 29 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:23.359 and jazz. This was fine, We'd had week ends like 30 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:26.879 this before, worked just eating him alive. Still, I couldn't 31 00:01:26.920 --> 00:01:30.040 rid myself of the status siege behind my ribs. Adam 32 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:33.239 missing brunch the only time he'd skipped, he'd been stuck 33 00:01:33.239 --> 00:01:35.480 in the yar with a sprained ankle, texting jerks the 34 00:01:35.560 --> 00:01:38.159 entire time. I grabbed his jacket from the back seat 35 00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:39.760 of the car he'd left it in the rush earlier. 36 00:01:39.840 --> 00:01:44.079 No doubt it's smell vaguely of aftershaven his favorite peppermint gum. 37 00:01:44.359 --> 00:01:47.040 As I've reached inside, a sheet of creamy folded notepaper 38 00:01:47.040 --> 00:01:51.480 tumbled out, creeing, flowing in elegant, leaping letters. Adam, thank 39 00:01:51.519 --> 00:01:54.840 you for the amazing night. I haven't stopped smiling. You 40 00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:57.719 made all of this feel easy. Let's do it again soon. 41 00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:01.959 There was a tiny smiley face after Jenny's name. My 42 00:02:02.040 --> 00:02:04.000 heart sort of paused, a is filling with the white 43 00:02:04.040 --> 00:02:07.079 noise hush of mourning. I looked around like someone might 44 00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:09.360 see me standing there in my own garage, clutching and no, 45 00:02:09.479 --> 00:02:11.479 clearly not meant from me. I read it again, then 46 00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:13.560 tucked it deep in my hoody pocket, ignoring the shake 47 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:17.039 in my hand. Maybe it was nothing. A client may 48 00:02:17.080 --> 00:02:20.680 be effusive and grateful. Yes, Adam had always charms and 49 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:24.000 neelywoods and divorces alike. He got thank you's, little Starbucks 50 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:26.319 gift cards one time, even a bottle of fancy jin, 51 00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:29.240 But the tone of the note too intrimate, not salesy 52 00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:31.919 or grateful, but personal. I stood in the middle of 53 00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:34.319 our kitchen, staring at the spot where Adam's keys would 54 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:37.879 normally land, A slatter ray of sun cut crossaff forridge calender, 55 00:02:37.960 --> 00:02:40.400 highlighting all the scribbled in brunches and birth days and 56 00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:43.639 endless little reminders that built our every day together. My 57 00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:47.360 heart started a quiet repetitive drumpy. Was I invading his privacy, 58 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:50.919 making something out of nothing? What was my discomfort telling 59 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.840 me the truth? Long before I'd let myself listen. I 60 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:56.479 moved through the motions, wiping the counter, signing her load 61 00:02:56.520 --> 00:02:58.960 to Aunt's, streaming along the sail, pretending that my fingers 62 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:02.680 went itch into giggle a j ann Adam in every combination. Instead, 63 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.240 I made fresh coffee, letting normalcy settle over me, like 64 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:08.360 a poorly mad quilt. But something already felt crooked beneath 65 00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:11.599 the surface. I knewon I was at the cafe, stacking 66 00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:15.159 plates for friends, who all one by one noticed Adam's absence. 67 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:20.639 Work again mock Ass bro arched his wife, Kara squeezed 68 00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:22.520 my hand under the table, warmth, re a dating from 69 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:26.560 her grip. I smiled, shrugging it off. Spring market, I 70 00:03:26.599 --> 00:03:29.199 said lightly, and let everyone move on the rest of 71 00:03:29.240 --> 00:03:32.120 the day, limp by a place, growing steadily quatter. I 72 00:03:32.199 --> 00:03:34.759 folded Adam's jacket, smoothing the sleeves, feeling the weight of 73 00:03:34.759 --> 00:03:37.680 the note hidden in my pocket. It felt almost ridiculous, 74 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:40.639 standing at the window overthinking a scrap of paper, but 75 00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:42.919 the lines kept reaplaying in my head of the amazing night. 76 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:46.240 I haven't stopped smiling. Are my instincts really that off? 77 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:49.599 I wondered, Is there any reason at all to feel 78 00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:51.759 this unsettled? Or is this just what happens when your 79 00:03:51.800 --> 00:03:54.599 best friend and husband is suddenly too busy. I left 80 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:56.159 the jacket by his side of the bed and put 81 00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:57.800 a note in the drawer with my sketch pds and 82 00:03:57.840 --> 00:04:00.960 unfinished drawings. I told myself, if it still bothered me 83 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:03.759 in a week, i'd mention it. Maybe by then I'd 84 00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:05.879 be able to laugh it off, just another over zealous 85 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:08.960 client in Adam's endless parade. For now, I made myself 86 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:11.360 go to bed before he got home. In the dark, 87 00:04:11.520 --> 00:04:14.240 the city's lights flickering golden beyond our blinds, I tried 88 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:15.919 to recall the last time I'd missed him like this 89 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:19.000 on a Sunday. The next morning, Adam was already gone 90 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.959 out for early Jim Big listing I'll text later. The 91 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:24.000 flush of gilt washed over me, and I hated how 92 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.079 quickly I could slot my kneed to behind his schedule. 93 00:04:26.560 --> 00:04:28.839 Hadn't this has always been how we worked. When I 94 00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:30.720 think about Adam and me, I always go back to 95 00:04:30.759 --> 00:04:33.199 that first night seven years ago to John pack Dot's 96 00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:35.399 collective pop up in wick A Park, music thumping and 97 00:04:35.399 --> 00:04:38.600 people jostling shoulder to shoulder. I knew no one clutching 98 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:41.839 my sketch book like a flotation device. Then Adam crashed 99 00:04:41.879 --> 00:04:43.720 into the gallery for Speaming with a joke about the 100 00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:47.319 obnoxious installations, and somehow, within ten minutes I was at 101 00:04:47.319 --> 00:04:49.879 the bar beside him, laughing so much as snorted prosco. 102 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:52.920 He'd bought print after print from young artists, gave away 103 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:55.399 his coward with that infectious optimism, and at the end 104 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:57.160 asked me out. I was bright enough to cut through 105 00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:01.040 any crowd. We balanced each other always. I loved how 106 00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:03.319 he could talk to any one, waiters, uber drivers, my 107 00:05:03.399 --> 00:05:06.560 silent father as easily as breathing. He passed in company. 108 00:05:06.639 --> 00:05:08.920 I thrived in quieter things, getting lost in layers of 109 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:11.600 color and line, laid into the night. Adam didn't just 110 00:05:11.639 --> 00:05:14.079 fit into my world. He kicked the door open, inviting 111 00:05:14.120 --> 00:05:16.800 all our friends into one orbit. The ritual of Sunday 112 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:19.480 Brunch grew almost by accident after our first year, group chat, 113 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:22.519 swelling laughter, echoing through every tiny restaurant we could cram into, 114 00:05:22.600 --> 00:05:26.240 steadily growing into dinners holidays, A patchwork family. We were 115 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:28.639 always Adam and even to our friends and entity, sparking 116 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:31.319 snark fuel debates of a Marmosa's trading stories about open 117 00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:34.879 houses and gallery openings. As Adam's career took off, our 118 00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:38.600 lads glittered and strained in tandem. I'll admit sometimes I 119 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:40.879 envied how easily he moved through rooms that left me 120 00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:44.040 tongue tied. He slid a hand around my waists, winking 121 00:05:44.040 --> 00:05:45.839 as he worked the room, my anchor, and sometimes the 122 00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:48.839 blind and spotlight I quietly shrunk from. Our apartment was 123 00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:51.319 half way between his office and my home studio, tiny 124 00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:54.319 but packed with life, shelves built over with designed books, 125 00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:57.480 tangled cords, and stacks of flyers from Adam's latest listings 126 00:05:57.519 --> 00:06:00.759 propped up next to my half finished canvasses. Our fridge 127 00:06:00.800 --> 00:06:03.560 was a colossus at roofed up bars, messy haired bunches, 128 00:06:03.639 --> 00:06:06.560 the wild grins of friends, even the mundane passed. The 129 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:09.360 matching muks shared Spotify playlists felt like parts of a 130 00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:11.439 life which spent years layering on top of each other. 131 00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:13.600 Neither of us was in a hurry to turend that 132 00:06:13.639 --> 00:06:16.439 life into a family. Despite increasingly unsubtle hints from both 133 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:20.000 sets of parents. We joked about it, traveling more squeezing 134 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:22.920 in one last, selfisher putting off the next step. It 135 00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:26.360 had always felt like the world would wait for us. Sometimes, 136 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:29.279 though at parties were after particularly draining weeks, I'd catch 137 00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:33.279 myself feeling ghostly behind his charisma. Friends gravitated towards him, 138 00:06:33.319 --> 00:06:35.839 morphing me into detail at the age of conversation, even 139 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:39.000 as I told myself I like vanishing now and then still, 140 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:41.759 Adam always made space for me. He noticed when I 141 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:44.319 needed to leave early, when exhaustion and ate at my patience. 142 00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:47.439 He was relentless about his time, even if these days 143 00:06:47.519 --> 00:06:50.759 were crept into every corner. If I'm honest, I worried 144 00:06:50.759 --> 00:06:52.879 more about being left behind by his omission than about 145 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:56.600 anything darker. He was so hungry, leaning into every networking angle, 146 00:06:56.720 --> 00:07:00.680 never missing a call, but secrets. He didn't hide things, 147 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:04.000 not really, not before these last few months. Our parents 148 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:06.319 call from time to time, supportive, but at halm's length. 149 00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:10.160 Neither Adam nor I craved much guidance. Now they lived 150 00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:12.959 their own lives, occasionally swept into ours for milestone dinners 151 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:16.160 or group vacations. Our friends abd and flow of time, 152 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:19.240 some drifted jobs or new relationships pulling them away, but 153 00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:21.800 the brunch crew stayed the same, a little Churisan family. 154 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:24.480 I thought we had all the time in the world 155 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:29.279 until that Sunday. The next Sunday, Adam bailed again, same excuse, 156 00:07:29.399 --> 00:07:32.279 slightly different flavor. This time it was overlapping open houses 157 00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.959 attitude bys flying in from Boston. He sounded breathless, harried, 158 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:40.040 annoyed at the universe. He promised we do dinner again. 159 00:07:40.199 --> 00:07:43.680 He missed the entire day this sign. During brunch, Mark 160 00:07:43.720 --> 00:07:46.759 asked if I wanted to cancel. The whole thing feels weird, 161 00:07:46.839 --> 00:07:49.920 doesn't it, he said, teasing but not really. Kara gave 162 00:07:49.959 --> 00:07:52.800 me a look worried and searching. I told them I 163 00:07:52.879 --> 00:07:55.000 was fine, just busy, and changed the subject to my 164 00:07:55.079 --> 00:07:59.360 latest freelance project. At home, Adam breezed in at nine thirty, sweaty, 165 00:07:59.439 --> 00:08:02.759 talking about global offers and the desperate clients. He barely 166 00:08:02.800 --> 00:08:05.920 touched the tie leftovers averheated, scrolling through emails and shooting 167 00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:09.160 off quick texts. I picked up my noodles, watching him 168 00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:11.800 grin down at his phone. A buzz of luft bubbled 169 00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:13.720 up and I caught him tucking the phone face down. 170 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:19.720 Who's that, I asked, too lightly. Adam grinned work. Newguy 171 00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:22.120 just joined the team. Total disaster, you know how it is. 172 00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:25.120 He shut the phone off, finally noticing me, and stood 173 00:08:25.120 --> 00:08:27.839 to give a dramatic bow. I am all yours, madam. 174 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:30.560 But even then, as he kissed my cheek, I felt 175 00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:33.679 the distance. He smelled like gin in unfamiliar perfume. His 176 00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:36.799 hair must I told myself. I was imagining things late 177 00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:39.919 night and too much coffee, that's all. Third weekend, Third 178 00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:43.440 miss brunch. This time Adam called only thirty minutes before 179 00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:48.639 we were supposed to leave. His voice sounded dinner clipped, swamped. Seriously, 180 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:52.000 I'll try to make it cover for me. What's going on, Adam? 181 00:08:52.600 --> 00:08:55.919 I tried injecting some levity he turning into a vampire 182 00:08:55.919 --> 00:09:00.200 realtor or what? He just laughed. Don't worry about it, Pape. 183 00:09:00.759 --> 00:09:03.559 The call ended too quickly That night, as we split 184 00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:05.679 a minimalist dinner at home, left of us because neither 185 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:08.080 of us could muster mor Adam was distracted, phone buzzing 186 00:09:08.080 --> 00:09:11.679 every few minutes. He typed up long replies, smiling to himself. 187 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:13.559 Then glancing at me as his startled to find I 188 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:15.840 was still in the room. I tried to ask about 189 00:09:15.840 --> 00:09:18.200 his day, about his new clients, his strategy meetings. He 190 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:21.519 gave vague responses, attention drifting in a nut. I offered 191 00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:23.480 to come with him one evening to check out a property. 192 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:27.759 Wouldn't you get bored? He said, almost impatient. These aren't 193 00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:30.960 like the stage once. They mostly stressful, last minute and 194 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.639 a little gross. Lately, he flinched when I reached for 195 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:35.759 his jacket, pulling it off the back of the chair. 196 00:09:36.440 --> 00:09:39.440 Hang on, I'll get that, he said, snatching it away 197 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:42.600 with something almost like guilt. I force out a brutal laugh. 198 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:46.039 Fifteen minutes later he was gone for another strategy meeting 199 00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:49.039 I'd never heard mentioned before. I tried to scroll through 200 00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:52.120 my latest commission notes, but couldn't folkers The thankye note 201 00:09:52.120 --> 00:09:55.399 from Jenny Howard in my mind, bright, unpersistent, I thought 202 00:09:55.399 --> 00:09:58.440 about googling her this first name, maybe Adam realter Jenny. 203 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:00.639 I even opened a window on my I pad, but 204 00:10:00.679 --> 00:10:02.879 the idea of spiraling down a rabbit hole of Madgin 205 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:06.799 scenarios made my chest tighten. A chastised myself for snooping 206 00:10:06.799 --> 00:10:09.039 for letting inside. He filled the gaps Adam left behind. 207 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:11.639 The next few days, I watched him move through our 208 00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:15.200 apartment differently, no more open streaming. He started switching up 209 00:10:15.200 --> 00:10:18.000 passwords on Netflix, and Hilloo told me he updated security 210 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:21.240 for our shared accounts. The browser on the laptop was cleared, 211 00:10:21.879 --> 00:10:25.000 little things, nothing I could pin down, but the shape 212 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:27.960 of a pattern I wanted desperately to ignore. At brunch, 213 00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:32.120 the group kept asking where Adam was carties. Mister popular 214 00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:34.879 is working us out of the schedule? I laughed too loudly. 215 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:37.559 I wondered if they noticed the strain, if they could 216 00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:40.039 see the crax. Was this just what being with some 217 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:42.759 one that successful meant? Or was I reading too much 218 00:10:42.759 --> 00:10:46.360 into nothing. One afternoon, after a particularly glue work session 219 00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:48.679 on our logo project, Adam's phone buzzed while he was 220 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:51.240 in the shower. We never locked our funds from each 221 00:10:51.240 --> 00:10:53.360 other until recently. When he flipped on face I d 222 00:10:53.639 --> 00:10:55.519 I heard a quick burst of a woman's laughter from 223 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:58.159 the living room speaker, then Adam's muffle voice, then nothing. 224 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.360 A cold disconnected too fast. When he came out, towel 225 00:11:01.399 --> 00:11:03.559 around his waist, he avoided my eyes and changed the 226 00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:06.799 subject before I could even form a question. Later that week, 227 00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:08.960 waiting for a ride shore on a sleepy night, I 228 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:12.240 noticed Adam had been out every evening team drinks, late showings, 229 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:15.639 closing dinners. I checked our joint bank account for my phone, 230 00:11:15.639 --> 00:11:18.559 partly for reassurance, partly out of irritation over and announced 231 00:11:18.559 --> 00:11:22.639 credit card charges and joint cards. Several new transactions popped up, 232 00:11:22.720 --> 00:11:24.879 high end cocktails at a bar I'd never heard, mentioned 233 00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:27.600 a room charge at a beauty cotel downtown. Three consecutive 234 00:11:27.639 --> 00:11:31.080 you' varid all at odd hours. I screen shotted them, instinctively, 235 00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:33.080 feeling the bottom fall out from under me, even as 236 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:35.759 I told myself it was probably expenses or client events. 237 00:11:36.440 --> 00:11:40.879 Things started unraveling faster. Adams Instagram, once cluttered with brunch 238 00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:45.279 stories and mutual tags, went oddly quiet. He untagged himself 239 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:49.519 from brupe photos, barely posted anything together. One night, while 240 00:11:49.519 --> 00:11:52.440 trading tired anecdotes with Olivia, an old friend from Adam's office, 241 00:11:52.440 --> 00:11:54.759 she asked how I liked Adam's new wart buddy Jenny. 242 00:11:55.320 --> 00:11:58.200 I laughed awkwardly, hoping for more, but Olivia just offered 243 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:00.360 a quick don't know her really? Adams said she's a 244 00:12:00.399 --> 00:12:03.360 go Getta and smoothly switched back to talking about travel plans. 245 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:06.879 He texted late that night, sorry running super late. Team 246 00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:09.759 drinks just kept going love you see you soon. I 247 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:11.639 glanced at is what calendar he was supposed to be 248 00:12:11.639 --> 00:12:15.039 at closing, not at drinks. I told myself the market 249 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:18.639 was just unpredictable. People celebrated deals at weird hours. At 250 00:12:18.679 --> 00:12:21.440 Mark's birthday, Adam's seat sat empty and untouched, a glass 251 00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:24.799 of whiskey sweating beside his plate. Carr pulled me aside. 252 00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:27.480 He said he had dinner plans with you. She murmured, 253 00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:31.120 searching my face. I shook my head. He told me 254 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:34.399 he'd be here. We let the confusion hang, both pretending 255 00:12:34.440 --> 00:12:37.360 there was a reasonable explanation. The house started to feel 256 00:12:37.399 --> 00:12:39.759 less like ours, more like a hotel's. Whee tears. Mostly, 257 00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:42.720 he'd move stacks of paperwork in at every space, his 258 00:12:42.840 --> 00:12:45.039 charger always missing, his phone zipped. Wait a minute, he 259 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:48.519 walked in. He snapped at me over nothing, then apologized instantly, 260 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:52.480 stress written across his forehead. We spent dinners in parallel silence, 261 00:12:52.559 --> 00:12:55.000 flicking through our separate phones, sharing only the dinner of 262 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:59.240 the city outside my unease doubled. The following Thursday, Adam 263 00:12:59.240 --> 00:13:00.960 had left an address on the kitchen note, but for 264 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:03.919 its Sunday open house, muttering I'll be late, maybe meet 265 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.600 you after. On a whim, Desperate for proof that this 266 00:13:06.759 --> 00:13:08.600 was all just stress, I decided to drop by the 267 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:11.960 listing between gallery visits. The address turned out to be nothing. 268 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:14.639 No for sale sign, no staged rooms, not even a 269 00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:18.159 pock car. The house itself sat dark and empty. I 270 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:20.879 circled the block, telling myself it was a timing mix up, 271 00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:23.240 but a hard knot of dread stage lodged in my 272 00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:26.720 throat all afternoon. Driving home, I caught myself rehearsing what 273 00:13:26.759 --> 00:13:28.840 I'd say once he was home. Are you cheating on me? 274 00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:32.159 The phrase stuck in my teeth. The truth was I 275 00:13:32.200 --> 00:13:35.840 didn't want to know, not completely, not yet. I needed 276 00:13:35.879 --> 00:13:37.840 time to piece together the story, to figure out if 277 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:41.200 my suspicions were worth destroying everything we'd built. Back home, 278 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:43.679 I half heartily confronted Adam about the missing open house, 279 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:46.759 rather than anything deeper. He said I'd gotten the time wrong, 280 00:13:46.919 --> 00:13:49.240 accused me of checking up on him with more exasperation 281 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:52.279 than anger. He softened immediately after pulling me on to 282 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:54.720 the ketchen, promising a weekend in Michigan once the market 283 00:13:54.759 --> 00:13:57.519 calm down. His lips brushed my forehead, but his eyes 284 00:13:57.559 --> 00:14:00.480 never quite met mine. It was little things, every day, 285 00:14:00.519 --> 00:14:03.639 small Rutcher's. He kept his phone clutch close, even in 286 00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:06.440 the shower. He changed his phone's background from a photo 287 00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:09.639 of us to something needle one. Friends texted for double dates. 288 00:14:09.720 --> 00:14:13.000 Adam replied with works insane rain check before even asking me. 289 00:14:13.559 --> 00:14:15.919 The place felt emptier with every new routine he dropped. 290 00:14:16.519 --> 00:14:19.679 I started sleeping restlessly Idwick at dawn to find the 291 00:14:19.720 --> 00:14:22.799 apartment doc Adam gone while sitting in the living room, texting, 292 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:24.679 the blue phone light shining up at his face as 293 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:28.000 he thumbed out long messages. Sometimes I'd hear him off 294 00:14:28.039 --> 00:14:30.600 of real open laugh. He rarely shared with me anymore. 295 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:33.399 I tried again to bring it up over dinner, but 296 00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:36.279 he rolled his eyes, gesturing wildly about clients and the 297 00:14:36.279 --> 00:14:40.720 insatiable Chicago market. He talked circles around my worries. That night, 298 00:14:40.799 --> 00:14:43.080 driven by some animal panic, I dug through the trash 299 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:47.080 hot panding. I found receipts, cocktails, ride chair entries, another 300 00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:50.799 boutique hotel charge, nothing explicit, but a trail that only 301 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:53.360 grew wider. The thank you note from Jenny burned a 302 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:56.200 hole in my sock draw. I vented to Kara, carefully 303 00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:59.120 skirting the edges, complaining about his hours. The mist brunches 304 00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:03.480 the late night call. She listened quietly, clearly biting her tongue. 305 00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:06.519 Eva if this were me, she said softly, I'd want 306 00:15:06.519 --> 00:15:08.840 to know, but maybe give him the benefit of the 307 00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:12.000 doubt at least once. I nodded, unwilling to admit how 308 00:15:12.039 --> 00:15:15.200 foup past that point had drifted. One Friday, Adam left 309 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:19.000 again for another strategy session. I got bold. I called 310 00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:20.919 his office to ask if he'd left something for me. 311 00:15:21.559 --> 00:15:24.639 The assistant who answered pause, then said, oh, Adam just 312 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:27.200 left with Jenny. They had climed drink scheduled at Jinny's. 313 00:15:27.240 --> 00:15:29.279 Want me to have him call you? I heard my 314 00:15:29.320 --> 00:15:32.200 own voice flat, No, that's fine, thank you. I hung 315 00:15:32.279 --> 00:15:34.679 up and looked up Jinnie's upscale tucked away the right 316 00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:38.440 kind of place. Adam had never mentioned it. I opened 317 00:15:38.440 --> 00:15:41.440 our bank ap sure enough, a chunky bar tab at Jinnes's, 318 00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:44.240 this time at ten thirty twelve 'am. When Adam finally 319 00:15:44.320 --> 00:15:47.120 arrived home close to midnight, he looked exhausted, and whyett 320 00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:50.559 I askewe wreaking of cologne and something sweet I didn't recognize. 321 00:15:50.759 --> 00:15:54.879 Long night, I asked. He nodded, flopping next to me 322 00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:57.879 on the couch without touching me too long. He sighed, 323 00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:00.600 clients can't make up their minds. J Annie's a godt 324 00:16:00.679 --> 00:16:03.440 end though, couldn't get through half this mess without her there. 325 00:16:03.480 --> 00:16:06.080 It was. Her name slipped, and casually we said a 326 00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:09.320 moment in heavy silence. I didn't ask who Jenny was, 327 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:11.480 didn't mention that I'd never met her, that none of 328 00:16:11.480 --> 00:16:14.360 his stories about the office included her until recently. He 329 00:16:14.440 --> 00:16:17.080 dozed off almost instantly, hand curled around his phone as 330 00:16:17.080 --> 00:16:19.679 if clinging to a lifeline. I watched him breathe, the 331 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:22.039 lines of stress cut deeper round his mouth, and wondered 332 00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:24.720 if he'd fallen asleep thinking of some one else. A 333 00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:27.480 week later, I finally brought up the note. I waited 334 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:29.799 until after dinner, when our plates were still warm and 335 00:16:29.879 --> 00:16:32.440 Adam was in a rare, buoyant mood, tossing jokes about 336 00:16:32.480 --> 00:16:35.519 curR and marks misadventures in the suburbs. I set my 337 00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:38.120 fork down carefully and said, hey'd I've found this in 338 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:40.960 your jacket last Sunday, thought you'd want it back. I 339 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:44.080 slid the folded note across the wood. Adam's brow furrowed 340 00:16:44.080 --> 00:16:46.399 as he picked it up. I could see the rapid flinch, 341 00:16:46.440 --> 00:16:48.879 the almost imperceptible jolt, before his charm clamped down like 342 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:53.879 a visor. He laughed. Oh geez, Jenny, Yeah, she's animated. 343 00:16:54.519 --> 00:16:56.879 He tapped the edge of the note, cheeks riddening. That 344 00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:58.720 was just a thank you for helping her get settled. 345 00:16:58.799 --> 00:17:01.159 She's new, big first perch, scared out of her mind. 346 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:02.759 I hosted an open house for her, the one y 347 00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:05.440 I asked about. Actually she got a little carried away, 348 00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:08.400 wrote every one on the teamer note. Sweet right, He 349 00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:11.480 flushed a grin, shrugging. Does it seem weird? I mean 350 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:14.400 she's just a friend, very grateful. Trust me, I've gotten 351 00:17:14.440 --> 00:17:16.440 weirder from clients. Do you remember the time with the 352 00:17:16.440 --> 00:17:19.039 banana bread basket? At least this was just a note. 353 00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:22.359 I watched her easy smile, Whilac's shoulders meeting my eyes 354 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:25.240 without blinking. If he was lying, it was buried under 355 00:17:25.279 --> 00:17:28.319 layers of practice performance I'd never seen before. So that 356 00:17:28.359 --> 00:17:30.640 open house was it a big group thing? You weren't alone, right, 357 00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:36.400 I made my voice sound almost amused. He nodded, leaning back. Yeah, 358 00:17:36.440 --> 00:17:38.440 half the office was there late night. It turned into 359 00:17:38.440 --> 00:17:40.279 a party. You need to come next time we get 360 00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:43.200 so astir crazy. We'll take any excuse. He reached for 361 00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:46.160 my hand over the table, squeezing gently. I'm sorry, I've 362 00:17:46.200 --> 00:17:49.000 been distant, markets bonkers. I haven't managed my stress. I 363 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:52.039 feel like I'm letting everyone down, but especially you, cam Weed. 364 00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:54.960 I dunno rusat. I'll block out Sundays again. Let's not 365 00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:58.359 lose that. I wanted to believe him for a few days. 366 00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:01.079 I let myself. He stop shotted, leaving his phone out 367 00:18:01.079 --> 00:18:04.000 on the counter again. We went out for dinner, real dinner, 368 00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:07.079 cloth napkins, and good wine. He insisted on a weekend 369 00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:09.440 up north. Just the two of us started talking about 370 00:18:09.440 --> 00:18:12.960 future trips again. He was attentive, warm, present in a 371 00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:15.720 way he hadn't been in months. I felt stupid for 372 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:18.480 ever doubting. I told myself it was holburn out, a 373 00:18:18.519 --> 00:18:22.680 career peak, maybe a crisis, relationship spent. Don't break right. 374 00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:25.640 It was almost easy to slip back into our routines, 375 00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:27.759 to tell our friends that things were just busy and 376 00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:31.079 brunchban was over a weekened our newly peaceful bubble. An 377 00:18:31.079 --> 00:18:34.240 anonymous text landed on my phone early Saturday morning. The 378 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:38.160 number was unlisted, no name, just a single sentence. You 379 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:42.039 don't know everything about Adam. A hatch photo, Adam in 380 00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:44.640 a navy shirt I didn't recognize, sitting across a tiny 381 00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:47.440 table from a woman's shoulder length, auburn hair, shot blazer, face, 382 00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:50.279 led up by a candle, their hands just barely touching, 383 00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:53.920 both smiling, close enough that the intimacy was unmistakable, even 384 00:18:53.960 --> 00:18:58.799 pixelated the time some Thursday night, two days ago, during 385 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:01.599 what he'd called a lake kai, my hand shook so 386 00:19:01.759 --> 00:19:04.279 badly I nearly dropped the phone, knees buckling. As I 387 00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:07.640 sat at the kitchen counter for a moment, I couldn't breathe. 388 00:19:08.119 --> 00:19:10.279 The noise of the city faded out, were replaced by 389 00:19:10.319 --> 00:19:13.599 rushing in my ears, everything sharp and cold and silent. 390 00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:16.920 At once, a burning humiliation rose up, crowding out the 391 00:19:16.920 --> 00:19:19.480 piece of the past week. It felt worse than any 392 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:22.279 answer I'd imagined, because it was definitive, and it was deliberate. 393 00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:25.640 Whoever sent the text wanted me to know. I couldn't 394 00:19:25.640 --> 00:19:28.400 tell if it was cruelty or mercy. Four hours, I 395 00:19:28.440 --> 00:19:31.359 did nothing. I didn't cry, I didn't call Kara, didn't 396 00:19:31.359 --> 00:19:34.799 confront Adam. Every muscle in my body felt locked. My 397 00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:38.200 mind chased itself in circles grief, anger, shame, and end 398 00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:42.000 the sloops. I pulled open our bank account, another charge 399 00:19:42.039 --> 00:19:45.119 at Jane's, matching the times damp from the photo. I 400 00:19:45.160 --> 00:19:48.160 searched Adam's emails on the laptop. Nothing explicit, but several 401 00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:50.640