Speaker 1: All right now, Hey, come on, Pana, this is arn's
abuse no more. With your host, doctor and evangelist Hey
Hill Rich, we're here to help.
Speaker 2: You admit what you feel. They're going to heal from the.
Speaker 1: Effects of narcissistic abuse because you're sillies do master.
Speaker 2: Hello everyone, I am so glad to be here with
you in this new year of twenty twenty six. We
are back, Yes, we are. This is nark abuse, no
more narcissistic abuse, no more helping you to admit what
you feel in order to heal from the effects of
narcissistic abuse because your feelings do matter. I am your host,
doctor evangelist ko Rich, and I am so happy to
be here with you once again. We took a year
s Hyenas, and I was busy and also getting some
relaxation because we had been doing this particular podcast for
seven years and and then our other podcast. It is
finished for I believe ten years, and so we are
back twenty twenty six and we will be going strong.
Lord Willene, and I'm glad to have you all here
today so we can pick up and start over and
talk about those narcissists. Yes, we're going to be talking
about a lot of different things. This year, we plan
on having some guests that have written books again as
authors who have written books. We're gonna be discussing various
subjects with regards to narcissism, abuse, recovery, forgiveness, that journey,
going no contact, if when or should you. Uh, We're
gonna be discussing a lot of different things this year.
So I pray that you are ready for this journey.
For those who may be new to it, for those
who may be uh uh professional at it, I mean
it means that you have been through it a lot,
you have you know about it, but sometimes you have
to you need those reminders to let you know that
you're not gone bonkers. Okay, this is a reality. This
is even your reality. But despite the people that are
around you, we want to all ways know that you
can change your situation. You can't change someone else, but
you can change your situation and how you deal or
not deal with those that want to abuse, missues or
manipulate you. All Right, So today we're restarting as if
we have never ever talked about these issues before, because
we have those that may be new and then those
who may need reminders refreshers on the terminologies and the
things that is relevant for you to know when you're
dealing and should you ever deal with a narcissist. So
we're gonna call this the narcissism Narcissistic Glossary, the narcissistic
glossary terms that you need to know. And first we're
gonna start off with what is narcissism? What is narcissism?
And you know you have you may have people that
have a lot of different definitions for it, but narcissism
is a it's a psychological, a psychological condition. So we
want to just start off right there that it's a
psychological condition that is often uh, it often presents or
is marked by uh terms or should I say, exhibit
signs of self love, self centeredness. Uh. These those who
are dealing or operating narcissism, they have a sense or
ego or over inflating ego or sense of entitlement. They
have an inflated sense of self importance. These type of
people that deal operate in narcissism, they they they constantly
seek approval from others. They seek admiration from others.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: Uh, it doesn't matter what it is or who it is.
They're always seeking that admiration and importance from other people.
They they have again, they have a te uh. They
display this entitlement. They they feel like they're entitled, They
display manipulative behavior. They often fail to empathize with others,
and so these can have a lot of different traits
that affect personal and professional relationships and social relationships. So
you definitely want to understand how these people operate and
how they think when they're operating under narcissism. Now you
have those when you when you're talking about narcissistic personality disorder.
This is a diagnosis that needs to be done by
a professional. But the thing is you don't have to
be a professional to recognize certain traits that are in someone.
The thing about narcissist, though, is that they tend to
be in plain sight without being seen. Let me repeat
that they tend to be in plain sight without being seen.
What do I mean by that? I mean that even
though they're around other people, most people a lot of
times don't even recognize that they're dealing with a narcissist
because the narcissists seen to they often camouflage who they are.
So you're seeing doctor juggle when behind closed doors they
are mister Hyghe. So narcissistic personality disorder is as a
clinical diagnosis dealing with extreme narcissistic behavior. These type of
people that operate with this or have this type of personality,
they are emotionally dysfunctional. Okay. They disrupt the life of
various relationships. These people, they again they lack empathy. Even
though they may pretend to empathize with you, they actually don't. Okay.
They manipulate others. And the danger of this is when
you have those that are considered spiritual narcissists, all right,
and those are some of the most dangerous type of
narcissism because they will use religion or use the Bible,
or use God to support their bad behavior. These people,
they have again an exaggerated sense of self importance, so
they're constantly craving attention, and if you don't give them
that attention, then you are on their on their Nazi lists. Okay.
So this is something that you want to actually understand
when you're dealing with the narcissist. Now you have those
that operate covertly, okay, and so that's considered covert narcissism. Basically,
these type of narcissists are narcissists behind the scenes, behind
the shadows. They appear as if they're sensitive, they appear
as if they're humble, they appear as if they are
meek and and and you think, oh, this is just
a really, really good individual. When in actuality, okay, it's
a it's a camouflage for who they really are. These
type of people, they harbor resentment, they have feelings of entitlement.
They feel like they're better than under people, other people underneath,
and even though they may say the right things, okay,
they're still underneath narcissists. So they will basically say what
you want to hear, say what you think they should say.
But in actuality they are narcissists. So they are basically
passive aggressive people. They will give you the silent treatment treatment,
they will play the victim. They use manipulation subtly so
you don't see it obviously. But these people or damage individuals, Okay,
so they are hard to get along with and they're
hard to deal with. Now, these the other people on
the outside of the narcissism target, uh, they will they
often will not see this. They because these people when
you're dealing with covert narcissists. You're dealing with people again
that's in the shadows. Even though they're out in the open,
they're in the shadows. Their narcissism is in the shadows.
So these are the people that are your football coaches,
your your teachers, your peace officers, these are the people
your doctors. These are the people that may even go
the extra mile. They're they're on the outward. They're giving,
they're loving. They people will sing their praises people they
they other people will think that these are just the
sweetest people, because that's what they want people to think.
So they're they're gonna give, They're they're they're gonna be
giving it self, sacrificing and looking as if they're really
really just sweethearts. Okay, but behind the scenes of the
people that are the target of their abuse, because that
is abuse behind the behind the scenes, these people are
damaging to those who are close in their inner circle.
Now you have an overt narcissist that that's openly narcissistic.
These are those that are boastful, those that are arrogant,
those that are demanding, those that exaggerate their achievements. They
feel superior to others. So these are the obvious ones
that that don't hide their narcissism. They're over narcissists. But
the dangerous ones are those that do it, especially behind
the scenes, because they don't want others to know who
and what they are. Now, I have a term that
a lot of people that are victims of narcissists that
they deal with, and this particular term is called gas lighting. Now,
gas lighting is a it's a dirty technique. It's a
manipulat manipulative technique that narcissists used to make someone doubt
their reality. For example, let me say that, okay, there's
a cup of water that's sitting on the table. The
narcissists will pour the water on you and then tell
you that it didn't happen. Okay, this is called gas lighting.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 2: They will do something and deny that they did it.
They will deny the facts, they will twist the conversation. Okay,
they will outright just lie about whatever they did. They
will accuse the victim of not understanding things the correct way,
where in actuality the victim understands it quite perfectly. And
then when you're the victim of this particular type of
technique that the narcissists use. Then you start doubting your reality.
So therefore you become insecure. You become unsure of who
you are as a person. This allows a narcissists to
gain control over you. There's a movie that was years
ago in the parties and it was called gas lighting
or gas light, and I think it was two different versions.
And this husband had married this young lady and she
didn't know that he was actually he had actually married
her to get a hold of her aunt's jewels. He
had actually killed her aunt, and the young lady did
not know, and he was trying to find the jewels
in the house. And so during that time, a lot
of people use gas for their lighting, so that's why
it was called gas lighting. But he did some nasty
little things. He was moving pictures around. He will miss
move her keys around to make her think that she
was losing her mind. And so that's where the term
that this particular term of gas lighting come from. Is
when someone does something but they make you feel as
if you're gone bonkers. Okay. Narcissists try to make you
doubt your reality, and they use this technique of gas
lighting to do it. So if you call them out
on something they did, they're gonna deny it. And not
only deny it, they will make you feel as if
you're crazy for even mentioning it, or it make you
think that it didn't happen. They twist the events so
much that it would have you doubting your reality. Another
thing that it's important to know about narcissists is beware
of their flying monkeys. If you remember, the Wizard of
Oz of the Wicked Witch of the West, had her
flying monkeys to go and do her evil bidding. Okay,
So flying monkeys when it comes to narcissists, they are
those that the narcissists use. People that the narcissists use
to act on behalf of them. Sometimes they know and
sometimes they don't know, Okay, So this could be anyone,
whether it's friends or family, or coworkers or whatever. The
narcissists use this these people to discredit and intimidate their victims.
They also try to isolate the victim to make the
victim feel as if they're by themselves. So, for example,
you have a narcissist that is abusive, Okay, because at
the end of the day, at the end of narcissism
is abuse. So this person, whether it's physically, spiritually, emotionally, verbally,
whatever case may be, the narcissists will have people in
their lives that's gonna go along to get along, okay,
Because oftentimes the flying monkeys, if they even know that
they are flying monkeys, and they may not know the
term per se, but they know that they're being used
by the narcissists. But even if they're in cohucion with
the narcissists, they feel as if they have more to
lose by going against the narcissists than they do for
defending the victim. Okay, So basically, the narcissists, you will
have those that you're For example, you might be in
an abusive relationship with the narcissists and you may be questioning,
you know, hey, I'm ready to leave, I'm tired of
this going on. Well, the flying monkey will try to
make you think that you're wrong for leaving that narcissist,
or you really didn't miss you really didn't understand what
was going on, or maybe you took it too harsh.
So they basically are trying to keep you in an
abusive situation. The narcissist convinces the flying monkey that you're
just out of your mind or that you have taken
things too seriously, or so they try to use the
flying monkey as a way to discredit what the narcissist
has done. So you have to be careful about anyone
who is friends with the narcissists because if you go
to that person and tell them, oh, well, the narcissists
is doing this or that to me, oftentimes if this
person is not aware of what is going on, or
even if they are, they will not staying in your corner.
They're considered flying monkeys because they're gonna side with the narcissists.
Rather they do so knowingly or unknowingly. And let me
use an example. During the time when Eddie Long was alive.
For those who know Bishop Eddie Long and the scandal
that surrounded him with the young boys, the young men
who came out and said that there was an appropriate
sexual things that was going on, okay, well, the church
in basically more so than not, the church acted as
a flying monkey. Okay, this is not everyone, but many
within the church, and they took the side of Bishop
Dye Long rather than them investigating and analyzing if this
was actually true what the young men had to say. Okay,
so the church was a flying monkey. The church operated
as we're gonna stand by the side of this narcissist
rather than protect the innocent victim. This also happened with
the Catholic Church when different abuse victims came out and
told what was what had taken place with many priests,
the church acted as a flying monkey. Instead of the
rights of the victim, they protected the priests. They stood
alongside the priests. Therefore, the priests were allowed to get
by with what they were doing because the church protected
them by acting as a flying monkey. This is what
happens when a victim of abuse deal with narcissistic flying monkeys.
Another thing, and we're gonna take a quick break. Another
thing that a person has to be careful of when
they're dealing with narcissists is love bombing. Love bombing What
does this mean? Narcissists in order to retain or maintain
their loyalty points in a sense. You know how when
you get a credit card and they would give you
different bonuses, you know, based upon your usage of the
credit card to keep you as a client. Okay, well,
other words, keep you in debt. Okay. So with love bombing,
love bombing is the is uh in the beginning of
a relationship. The narcissists, Uh, they are. They give you
a lot of attention, a lot of praise, a lot
of affection, a lot of gifts.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 2: They they build your trust. And once you are attached,
then the narcissists, the narcissists change get gears, okay, and
they become the narcissists starts changing their behavior and therefore
the victim of this love bombing which they're used to
the narcissists being all attentive, they are confused and stressed
out because they don't understand what has happened. But basically
this is an attempt to get you in their good graces.
And then once they got you, then then they gonna
cut the cord and throw you out. Okay, So this
is what happens with narcissists. Be careful of the love bombing.
They will give you gifts, they would shower you with praise,
and this is a way to control and manipulate you.
But as soon as you get and let me use
this example a lot of times, women, and I'm gonna
say women, because women are women and children are the
ones that are statistically known to be abused. Okay, So
you will have this woman who has been abused. Okay,
I'm gonna use physical abuse. She's been beat up, black eyes,
broken bones and all that. Okay, what does the abuser do?
The abuser oftentimes will go get some roses, Go get
a box of chocolates, go take her out to eat,
do all these nice things. Okay, this is I love bombing. Okay,
but remember you have the part that says love where
it's not so loving, okay, because at the end of
it is the bomb part where it's gonna explode. All right.
So they do all these kind acts and then as
soon as they get you suck back in bam.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 2: This is what love bombing does. They take or do
acts of kindness, and then as soon as they get
you back, then they go and go about doing what
they want to do to you, which is the abuse.
All right, We're gonna take a quick break and we'll
be back in just a moment.
Speaker 3: Just come on calling you so you love, for everyone
to know what I'm in love.
Speaker 4: With you, patient.
Speaker 5: And strong.
Speaker 1: Always no matter what you've been there to bring this
through just fine.
Speaker 3: On time.
Speaker 2: It's a cloud to see that your.
Speaker 6: Love was true.
Speaker 5: Novel to you, but.
Speaker 6: You didn't know, you didn't know your ill juesay.
Speaker 5: Do not die?
Speaker 6: Day, I just born of vehicles to you, hid.
Speaker 4: In the sweet.
Speaker 3: Heaven is where I want of me, where I am
when I'm with you?
Speaker 6: Perfect?
Speaker 3: Yes, perfect, it's party gate hold the world to see.
Speaker 4: Now the one day.
Speaker 7: Saving law you need n't but sill not die.
Speaker 5: I just born of egles to you, come follow, he said.
Speaker 6: Ja.
Speaker 4: Jap coow to see now we know that to me.
Speaker 6: Can I'm going to be your man's lot of people?
Speaker 1: Do you.
Speaker 4: How this day?
Speaker 2: And that is BB and C C whining. I just
want to be close to you and be careful about
the narcissists who wants to be close to you?
Speaker 6: All right, all right?
Speaker 2: So one thing that we know that when you're dealing
with the narcissists, they definitely want to devalue you. Okay,
So the narcissists, they criticize you, they belitter you, They
they insult you, they diminish you, they diminish who you are.
So therefore it helps to lore your self esteem as
the victim. Okay, they try to diminish your sense of
self worth, and yet they cannot stand that being done
to them. So they will sometimes make jokes at your
expense in front of others. They will emotionally withdraw from
you as a form of manipulation. They will threaten to
withdraw from you as a form of manipulation. Now, one
thing that is important for those who have been victimized
by these narcissists is to remind yourself or even if
you have to go over such podcasts such as this
or books, to remind you of who these people are.
Because the thing is, when you let down your guard,
they're like cobras that will attack. Okay, Now, how many
of you will sleep next to a cobra? Okay, not
many people will, all Right. You have to remember that
these narcissists do not stop being narcissists, all right. They
may take a break from you seeing it obviously, all right,
but at the end of the day, they're going to
return back to who they are and they do not change.
Now this is not to say that with the help
of God that they cannot intentionally allow him to come
in and change and change their hearts. Okay, because with God,
all things are possible. Nevertheless, if you think that you're
gonna change a narcissists, think again, Okay, it's not going
to happen. First of all, narcissists never realize that they're
doing anything or will not acknowledge that they're doing anything.
So a narcissist operates either pride. Okay, they would never
hardly admit that you know, I'm wrong or I should
not have done that, or even if they do say
the words, you have to be careful because their actions
will oftentimes show the opposite and they may say the
right thing, oh I'm sorry, just to get in your
good graces, and then as soon as you if you've
left them, take them back, oftentimes you're gonna find out
that there has not been a change. Okay. These type
of people need serious therapy, okay, But oftentimes what takes
place is the victims, their victims wind up having to
go get therapy, but the narcissists themselves don't go get anything.
All right. Another thing that is important to understand with
regards to narcissists is they need what's called narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply, so basically, they they seek to get their admiration,
their attention, their validation from other people, and when they
fail to get that, then they go into what we
call a narcissistic rage. All right, So they if you
as long as you're feeding them the juice of what
they want, their attention, their admiration, they're valid and all
these things, then you know, then you're you're more like
you maybe to stay maybe to stay in their good graces, Okay,
because they're getting that narcissistic supply. So basically you're the
battery that's given them the juice of what they want.
But disconnect the cable to that battery and they will
go into what's called a narcissistic rage. Now what the
narcissistic rage. Let me let me just say this. When
you're dealing with narcissists and they go into the narcissistic rage,
do you remember the incredible Incredible Hawk. Okay, if you
remember the Incredible Hawk, you you, uh, David Banner? Okay.
The I think this started back in the seventies. David Banner.
He he had took too much radiation or gamma or
whatever they call it, and he turned into this green monster.
When he would become upset and he does his favorite saying,
uh popular saying rather was you wouldn't like me when angry. Okay,
so you didn't want to get him angry. Well, this
is how narcissists act. Okay. They have this intense anger
and aggression when they feel like they've been threatening when
you challenge them. So if you say anything to a
narcissist about something that they've done, if you criticize something
that they've done, if you set boundaries, if you do
not meet their expectations, they will go into this narcissistic rage. Now,
the thing about it is most people would think, oh, well,
the narcissist is so sweet. See. The funny thing is
these type of individuals they camouflage very very well. Okay,
they camouflage well where you don't see who they really are.
So behind the scenes they go into this explosive rage. Okay,
they will yell, they will scream, they give insults, they
will even threaten people. Okay, So this is that narcissistic
rage that if you don't line up with how they
want you to be, then they will go into all
of these different types of things that they do to
instill fear and intimidation with regards to their victims, all right.
So once they don't get the narcissistics applied, they were
going to a narcissistic race. So whenever you confront the
narcissists about anything that they do, they cannot handle it. Now,
the thing about narcissists is they never turn the mirrors
on themselves. Okay. They will often find everything that's wrong
with everybody, okay, because this is no way to control
and manipulate and dominate and devalue anyone else. But they
can't handle that if you turn and flip the script
on them. Another thing, when you're dealing with narcissists, be
careful of the triangulation. Think of a triangle, okay, the
narcissists being at the time you to the right and
someone else is to the left, all right, So they
want you to feel as if you are isolated, all right.
So they try to create jealousy, They try to have confusion,
they try to create insecurity. They will play victims or
individuals against one another. Okay. The narcissist maintains the control, okay,
but they avoid direct responsibility. This increases and allows them
to have power over their victims. Do not allow a
narcissist to play you against someone you might. For example,
you will have a narcissist and when they're dealing when
you're dealing with triangulation, they will try to have you
jealous of someone else. They might say, well, this person
is better you than you, or this person goes along
with them, or this person's side with them, or rather,
so they want you to feel as if you're on
an island by yourself. So then when you're feeling isolated,
then you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to.
You feel like that you don't have anyone who understands you.
You feel like no one will believe you. A lot
of times victims stay silent because they feel that no
one will believe them. And that's exactly what the abusers
want you to feel. And let me just say this
because when you're dealing with the narcissists that may be
indeed true where many of their friends, their flying monkeys,
will not believe you, but you don't deal with them.
You go to those who will who will believe you,
support you, believe your truth, allow you to express your truth,
and try to help you if you intend to get
out of that abusive situation. Narcissists, they they're good at projecting. Okay,
so the things that they do to you, they try
to project it on to your behavior, saying that you're
the one that's doing it. Now, what do I mean
by that? A narcissists Instead of them accepting personal accountability
or acknowledging the things that they do, they become accusatory.
So they will accuse you of the very things that
they're guilty of doing themselves. So they would make you
feel as if you're the one abusing them, when in actuality,
they're the ones that's being the abuser, all right, So
they deflect and project their bad behavior on to someone else.
Be careful of this because this often happens when they
go into their narcissistic rage, which includes verbal attax, physical aggression,
emotional abuse, or they will try to punish you. Okay,
they will threaten you, so, and they threaten you by
projecting the very thing that they're doing to you, they
will accuse you of doing to them when and then
therefore they have you confused. Well, am either abused or no,
it's them abusing you. The thing that narcissists can't handle
is when you finally speak up for yourself. When you
finally speak up for yourself, they're not able to handle it.
They're not able to handle it, which often leads them
into what they consider narcissistic injury. And the narcissisicis injury
is when the narcissist experiences humiliation or they feel emotionally
insecure because of them receiving criticism, rejection, or what they
consider as as a perceived a failure in their life.
So therefore they cannot handle their ego being broken, all right,
So they that's when when they go into when they
feel like they've been narcissistically injured, then they will also
going to a narcissistic rage. Again, the narcissists cannot look
in the mirror and see the truth about themselves. And
when you try to tell them, hey, you've done this,
are you doing this to me or whatever case may be,
they cannot handle it, which makes them go into a
narcissistic rage. Another thing, when you're dealing with narcissists, sometimes
they will often going they have this victim mentality, okay,
and so they portray themselves as the victims. Are they're
the ones being misunderstood? Are They're the ones being treated
unfairly when it's actually them, the ones that's doing it
to other people. This is a sign of narcissism. Okay,
they're abusive. You have a lot of a lot of
narcissists that are basically they're they're they're at the end
of the day, they're abusers. Okay. All of this, these
things that we're talking about, is dealing with abuse. Okay,
So you have this narcissistic cycle of abuse. You have
the uh, the the stage of idealization, then they devalue you,
then they discards you, then the hoover and phase, and
it starts all over again. Abuse goes in cycles. When
people say, oh, we had good times, that's part of
the cycle. Oh we had bad times, that's part of
the cycle. Oh we had the escalation, that's part of
the cycle. One thing to expect from a narcissist is
a spear campaign, because they will try to damage your
reputation by spreading false information, lies and everything. They will
try the ice you from other people they don't see narcissists.
They even try to make you feel guilty because you
have people that support you. Now you're the victim, but
they want you to feel isolated. They don't want you
to feel that if you deserve to have friends or
loved ones to support you, and so therefore they would
run a smear campaign and lie about you just so
they can isolate you from other people. Let me just say,
when you're dealing with narcissists, you're dealing with a bag
of all kinds of nasty little things, Okay, all kinds
of nasty little things when you're dealing with narcissists, and
you have to be very very careful because if you don't,
if you don't be careful, then it will it can
destroy you. You will you will have this. You will
feel as if what the narcissists saying it is true.
You will question yourself. You will never be confident in yourself,
and therefore the narcissists, at the end of the day
will get exactly what they want. The more that they're
able to devalue you and put you down is the
way that they're able to maintain control over you. Therefore,
when you understand how they operate, then you're better able
to protect yourself and know how to be on the
offense rather than on the defense. All right, well, we're
going to close today's In today's program, Man, there's a
lot more that we're going to be going into dealing
with narcissists. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
But I pray that you will have been able to
understand what you're dealing with so that you will be
stronger and be able to empower yourself against the narcissists.
Did you learn anything today? I pray that you did well.
This is naric abuse, no more. Well. We're here to
help you to admit what you feel in order to
heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse. I am your host,
Doctor ko Rich. Until next time.