WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:08.160 The risotto was perfect. This time. I'd finally taken Meggan's 2 00:00:08.199 --> 00:00:10.800 advice about the white wine, letting it reduce until the 3 00:00:10.839 --> 00:00:13.759 rice was glossy the way Ben liked it, a little 4 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:17.679 awl dent shavings of home made parmesan melting in the steam. 5 00:00:18.199 --> 00:00:21.359 It was nearly seven fifteen. He was usually home by 6 00:00:21.399 --> 00:00:24.440 seven thirty on Wednesdays, the only week day he didn't 7 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:29.000 have some industry mixer, urgent late client tour, or random 8 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:32.799 pop up open house. I set the table, flicked off 9 00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:35.479 the overheads, and left only the lamp on. Maybe a 10 00:00:35.560 --> 00:00:38.759 touch dramatic, but I had wanted to night to feel different. 11 00:00:39.399 --> 00:00:45.079 Warm a reset, My phone vibrated a double buzz. The 12 00:00:45.079 --> 00:00:47.759 screen lit up with Ben's name and a half preview. 13 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:52.000 Running club went long, doing extra lap solo. Don't wait 14 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:56.640 up o K, I typed back, adding a little shoe emoji, 15 00:00:56.880 --> 00:00:59.679 as if being undermanding could make me feel less alone. 16 00:01:00.119 --> 00:01:02.679 I didn't want to be that wife, checking and double 17 00:01:02.759 --> 00:01:06.239 checking every plan. I was the one who practically begged 18 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:08.319 him to go to running club in the first place. 19 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:11.760 You need a non work stressed drain and maybe some 20 00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:17.239 vitamin D, he'd grinned. Messily handsome, tying a neon green 21 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:20.760 band around his messy hair, trying not to fall apart 22 00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:24.719 on you in your thirties, babe, he joked. Now, as 23 00:01:24.760 --> 00:01:28.640 the steam from the rice faded, I told myself, he's motivated, 24 00:01:28.719 --> 00:01:32.640 he's happy. That should be enough. By eight, I moved 25 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:35.760 the risotto into a tupperware and stacked the plates. Our 26 00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:39.640 apartment was tidy, the good kind of quiet, minimalist light 27 00:01:39.719 --> 00:01:43.799 wood and gentle grays, with bens sneakers somehow always visible 28 00:01:43.799 --> 00:01:46.599 by the door, no matter how often I tucked them away. 29 00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:49.640 I was still in work leggings and a sweater, my 30 00:01:49.760 --> 00:01:53.000 hair twisted into a messy bun, half falling out. When 31 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:56.879 did I stop changing before dinner? I almost laughed at myself. 32 00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:00.319 I opened my map app. Not because I want to 33 00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:02.719 track him, I told myself, But I just didn't get it. 34 00:02:03.159 --> 00:02:06.480 The main park loop was four kilometers even two laps 35 00:02:06.519 --> 00:02:09.400 warm up, cool down. It shouldn't take two hours, right, 36 00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:12.319 Maybe there were hills I didn't know about. Did runners 37 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:16.120 stop to socialize, trade stories about shoes and it bands. 38 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:18.599 I had this sudden image of Ben as a new, 39 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:22.840 chattier version of himself. High on indorphins, talking pace splits 40 00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:26.840 with people I'd never met. The minutes stretched, I opened 41 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:29.879 a bottle of wine, poured half a glass out of 42 00:02:29.879 --> 00:02:33.960 habit I scrolled Instagram. That was how most evenings went now, 43 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:38.159 painting with Spotify in the background, notifications with Megan, and 44 00:02:38.199 --> 00:02:41.719 snippets of work emails, and the ambient hush of our place, 45 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:45.680 waiting for Ben to come home. At eight forty two, 46 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:49.560 a notification popped up. Hey saw Ben at the park. 47 00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:52.639 Didn't know you were into running now, Megan? Of course, 48 00:02:53.039 --> 00:02:55.520 I almost replied with a joke about how the only 49 00:02:55.599 --> 00:02:58.199 thing I was running was late on deadlines, but I 50 00:02:58.280 --> 00:03:02.159 stopped myself. The message felt out of place, like I'd 51 00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:05.960 missed something. I double checked the park she meant. Tapping 52 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:09.400 into her story, Megan's boomerang showed a group of runners 53 00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:13.240 mid stretch, bodies blurring in low light. My thumb hovered 54 00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:16.759 over reply. Surely Ben would have told me she was there, 55 00:03:16.840 --> 00:03:19.599 right Or did he not see her? Or was he 56 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:23.840 just so busy making running friends he didn't notice. I 57 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:27.120 shut off my phone, stared at the dark window. The 58 00:03:27.199 --> 00:03:31.520 risotto now a cool, starchy brick. I couldn't pimpunt it exactly, 59 00:03:31.840 --> 00:03:35.199 but the air in the apartment felt thinner. I wanted 60 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:38.759 to shake it off. It wasn't jealousy. I wasn't that cliche. 61 00:03:39.240 --> 00:03:41.319 I just wanted to understand what he got from all 62 00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:44.439 those laps that he couldn't get from me. When Ben 63 00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:48.560 finally came home after ten, sweaty and flushed, he dropped 64 00:03:48.599 --> 00:03:51.479 his duffel by the door. His voice was too bright, 65 00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:56.360 slightly keyed up, like he'd had won too many espressos. Sorry, babe, 66 00:03:56.479 --> 00:04:00.560 crazy long night. You didn't wait, did you? Of course not, 67 00:04:00.919 --> 00:04:04.879 I lied, ushering him toward the shower, acting busy. He grinned, 68 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:09.120 ducking to kiss me. Cheeks scratchy with stubble, rosier than usual. 69 00:04:10.120 --> 00:04:12.840 I'll tell you all about it, he promised, but his 70 00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:16.319 eyes were already half closed the hot water hissing from 71 00:04:16.360 --> 00:04:19.160 the other room. I listened for the snap of the 72 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:22.360 shampoo bottle, the creak of pipes, and wondered why I 73 00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:26.720 suddenly felt I was missing something crucial. It wasn't until 74 00:04:26.720 --> 00:04:29.560 I started washing up that I realized I'd left his 75 00:04:29.639 --> 00:04:33.120 bowl in the microwave. I took out the plastic container, 76 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:36.879 feeling ridiculous for how carefully I'd saved it, as if 77 00:04:36.920 --> 00:04:40.720 a warm meal could anchor us in some way. That night, 78 00:04:40.800 --> 00:04:43.680 I lay in bed, watching the blue glow of Ben's 79 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:47.240 phone as he scrolled through emails or maybe Strava. He 80 00:04:47.279 --> 00:04:51.319 seemed physically present, arm draped across my waist, but a 81 00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:54.800 step removed, lost in motion. Even as he lay still, 82 00:04:55.920 --> 00:05:00.240 That sense of something cooling between us went unnamed. Maybe 83 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:02.639 some part of me was afraid to even think about 84 00:05:02.639 --> 00:05:05.240 it clearly, the way you try not to jinx good 85 00:05:05.319 --> 00:05:09.079 luck by calling it aloud. The weeks before the Running 86 00:05:09.079 --> 00:05:11.879 Club were ordinary in all the ways that matter. We 87 00:05:11.959 --> 00:05:15.800 had routines, Sundays at Ledger Cafe working on the slowly 88 00:05:15.800 --> 00:05:19.120 in progress kitchen, back Splash, Friday wine and take out 89 00:05:19.240 --> 00:05:22.759 nights with a different group of friends each time. Ben's 90 00:05:22.839 --> 00:05:26.839 career in real estate was always swinging between hyperactive and dead. 91 00:05:27.399 --> 00:05:31.079 He thrived during the former, moaned and started pet projects 92 00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:36.120 during the latter. I liked his ambition, his unpredictability, the 93 00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:39.079 way he'd text me mid afternoon, what if we finally 94 00:05:39.079 --> 00:05:42.560 put up that gallery wall and then actually do it? 95 00:05:42.839 --> 00:05:46.399 Skipping dinner and sleeping under a mess of drop cloths. 96 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:49.240 I met Ben five and a half years ago at 97 00:05:49.240 --> 00:05:52.639 an art gallery opening downtown. He was there with Paul 98 00:05:53.040 --> 00:05:55.800 networking for business more than the art, but he spent 99 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.319 half an hour analyzing color swatches with me. Anyway. He 100 00:05:59.360 --> 00:06:01.800 asked about the sh shade of cerulean on one abstract 101 00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.199 canvas and told me he pictured it on our living 102 00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:07.600 room walls, not yet knowing we'd live together or that 103 00:06:07.639 --> 00:06:11.279 I'd paint it myself. Years later, after a tough freelancing 104 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:15.000 month when we couldn't afford real art, what drew me 105 00:06:15.040 --> 00:06:16.839 in was that he could talk to anyone, make a 106 00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:18.959 joke out of the ordinary, pull me out of my 107 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:22.240 own head long enough to see something new. We balanced out. 108 00:06:22.560 --> 00:06:25.759 I brought lists, plans, a way of organizing chaos. He 109 00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:29.079 brought momentum. On a good weekend, we felt like a 110 00:06:29.160 --> 00:06:33.920 team planning huge, slightly impossible projects, back yard garden beds. 111 00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:36.720 We didn't of space for a road trip over the Rockies. 112 00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:41.000 Never took it. A YouTube DIY channel also never happened. 113 00:06:41.959 --> 00:06:44.480 When the recession hit two years ago, we hunkered down. 114 00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:47.279 Ben lost a huge commission, I lost my two best 115 00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:51.639 design clients. We bickered about spending, then devised restaurant night 116 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:55.160 at home. He went back to small deals and corporate rentals. 117 00:06:55.399 --> 00:06:58.759 I took on odd, unglamorous branding gigs. We rode it 118 00:06:58.800 --> 00:07:02.959 out clothes, sometimes a little desperate, but trusting, not flashy, 119 00:07:03.079 --> 00:07:07.360 not t V romantic, our version of resilience. If there 120 00:07:07.399 --> 00:07:09.959 was a pattern to our rare arguments, it was always 121 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:13.519 about Ben's hours. He worked best. Late claimed he needed 122 00:07:13.560 --> 00:07:16.439 odd social settings to hustle for the next big client. 123 00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:20.000 I used to roll my eyes, but in five years 124 00:07:20.040 --> 00:07:24.240 nothing ever remotely tested his fidelity. If anything, people would 125 00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:27.600 joke about how annoyingly present we were at events. Ben 126 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:32.240 liked attention, but he always came home. We agreed no 127 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:35.639 kids yet, may be never. Our families, both just outside 128 00:07:35.639 --> 00:07:39.439 the city, were supportive, sometimes nosy, but generally content if 129 00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:42.160 we seemed happy. Our new place was supposed to be 130 00:07:42.199 --> 00:07:46.000 a reboot after last year's stress, with more light, clean lines, 131 00:07:46.279 --> 00:07:48.920 less pressure to be up and coming. It was the 132 00:07:48.920 --> 00:07:52.160 most grown up thing we'd done, signing the lease, spending 133 00:07:52.199 --> 00:07:56.399 weekends assembling ika cabinets until we nearly murdered each other 134 00:07:56.439 --> 00:08:00.519 with an Allen wrench. At some point Ben's stress shifted. 135 00:08:00.879 --> 00:08:03.959 He stopped talking so much about money and started bringing 136 00:08:04.040 --> 00:08:06.199 up burnout, how he didn't want to wake up one 137 00:08:06.279 --> 00:08:09.839 day having missed life itself. I was proud of him 138 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:12.480 for naming it out loud. That's why I had nudged 139 00:08:12.519 --> 00:08:14.519 him when I saw the flier for the running club, 140 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:17.800 joking that a little sweat, a little son few, as 141 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:21.759 Zillow alerts, what's not to love? He'd laughed off the 142 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:24.920 idea at first, you want to date a marathoner or 143 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:28.240 a fun dad bod realtor. But the next week he 144 00:08:28.360 --> 00:08:32.399 signed up. Maybe that's why it strung just a little 145 00:08:32.639 --> 00:08:35.200 to feel pushed out now that he actually liked it. 146 00:08:36.200 --> 00:08:39.120 The next Wednesday, I decided not to spend the evening 147 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:42.279 alone again. I was loading the dish washer when Ben 148 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:46.279 called from the bedroom, getting ready for his run. Hey, 149 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:48.840 I called, What if I come by the club to night. 150 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:51.960 I can cheer you on, embarrass you with a sign, 151 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:55.080 maybe bribe you with coffee after. I want to see 152 00:08:55.080 --> 00:08:58.559 this new runner in action. He popped his head around 153 00:08:58.600 --> 00:09:01.919 the corner, towels slung around his neck. Almost too quick, 154 00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:05.759 or babe, trust me, it's like watching grass grow. You'd 155 00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:08.799 be bored out of your mind. Just sweaty people shuffling 156 00:09:08.840 --> 00:09:12.240 in silence, I'll fill you in after promise. Plus we 157 00:09:12.399 --> 00:09:17.600 usually cool down by splitting up for solo intervals. Club rules, oh, 158 00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:21.000 I said, trying to keep it light well, sounds intense. 159 00:09:22.039 --> 00:09:25.240 He grinned. It's more boring than it sounds. I swear. 160 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:29.679 But thanks for the support, I shrugged, feeling a weird, 161 00:09:29.879 --> 00:09:33.519 almost adolescent twinge of rejection. We'd always been good at 162 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:36.960 supporting each other's side hobbies, even when they were ridiculous. 163 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:40.840 The year I took up advanced origami, his flirtation with 164 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:46.639 bread baking. Now with running, he seemed territorial. After he left, 165 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:49.120 I gathered up his running gear. There was a new 166 00:09:49.159 --> 00:09:53.399 technical shirt in the laundry, a sleek, expensive brand, tags 167 00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:57.440 only recently snipped. It wasn't familiar. I didn't remember buying 168 00:09:57.480 --> 00:10:00.759 it for him. He dee never mentioned new gear. For 169 00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:03.399 a stupid second. I sniffed it as if that would 170 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:08.639 mean something. It just smelled like laundry. Probably nothing. Still, 171 00:10:08.679 --> 00:10:11.399 a left over unease clung to me. Ben had never 172 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:14.200 been a treat yourself person, unless it was gear for 173 00:10:14.240 --> 00:10:17.559 his outdoor projects. New shirts fell into them. Mention it 174 00:10:17.840 --> 00:10:20.879 and I'll buy it after three months of hesitation category 175 00:10:21.399 --> 00:10:24.279 maybe he bought it for himself, this time inspired by 176 00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:27.080 the club. Maybe someone in the club gave it as 177 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.759 a welcome gesture. Maybe stop. It's not a crime to 178 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:34.840 have new interests or new clothes. When he came back late, 179 00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:40.559 freshly showered, I tried for casual good run. He put 180 00:10:40.600 --> 00:10:44.759 his feet up on the coffee table, sipping his recovery smoothie. Yeah, 181 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:48.639 full loop hit a new pace, nothing fancy, same old. 182 00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:54.559 I tried any one interesting show up? He shrugged. Mostly 183 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:58.559 the regulars. Lisa's killing it as usual, she's the club organizer. 184 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:02.279 But you get the usual ross flexing gear, people obsessed 185 00:11:02.279 --> 00:11:04.840 with their g p s, watches, nothing you'd want to 186 00:11:04.879 --> 00:11:08.679 sit through. His voice had the same too generic quality 187 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:11.879 as last time, a focus on stats and the root, 188 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:16.159 not people, not stories. Later, as we lay in bed, 189 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:20.919 he rolled away a little earlier than usual, mumbling exhausted babe. 190 00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:24.759 Early day to morrow. I stared at his back in 191 00:11:24.759 --> 00:11:27.559 the low light, trying to decide if I was overthinking 192 00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:31.519 his tiredness. Was it me, was it the running, the work? 193 00:11:31.720 --> 00:11:36.519 Something else? Entirely, I told myself, maybe it's normal for 194 00:11:36.600 --> 00:11:40.399 us to have lulls. Maybe this was just mid thirty's realism, 195 00:11:40.679 --> 00:11:44.600 not a warning sign. Still, my hand lingered near his 196 00:11:44.759 --> 00:11:47.600 side for a moment longer than usual, before I let 197 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:51.360 myself drift. On Sunday, I decided to see what all 198 00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:54.320 the fuss was about. Between designing mock ups for a 199 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:57.480 new client and my third coffee, I searched River Park 200 00:11:57.559 --> 00:12:01.919 Runners out of mild curiosity. The club's website was bare bones, 201 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.320 weekly meet ups, sign up links, a few race photos, 202 00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:09.559 but their instagram was more active, full of group shots, medals, 203 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:14.480 sweaty finish line, arms around shoulders, scrolling. I spotted Ben 204 00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:18.159 front and center in a recent photo, grinning, cheeks flushed, 205 00:12:18.360 --> 00:12:21.159 standing next to a woman in an electric blue jacket. 206 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:24.960 Her arm was around his back. Casual but a little familiar. 207 00:12:25.399 --> 00:12:30.200 I zoomed incompulsively. She was attractive, athletic, short, dark hair, 208 00:12:30.320 --> 00:12:34.159 nose ring. I'd never seen her before. I wanted to 209 00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:38.360 ask who was that, but stopped. I waited until Ben 210 00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:42.759 came home that night, bringing in a cool draft with him. Hey, 211 00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:45.679 I saw a photo from your running group, I said, 212 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:49.519 hoping it sounded like casual curiosity, not the start of 213 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:55.480 an interrogation. Is that the club leader? He blinked, then nodded. Yeah, 214 00:12:55.480 --> 00:12:59.480 that's Lisa. She runs the whole show, super intense. She's 215 00:12:59.559 --> 00:13:03.000 run like six half marathons. Don't get jealous. She'd run 216 00:13:03.080 --> 00:13:06.679 circles around both of us. His laugh was easy, but 217 00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:09.720 his glance held just a second longer than usual, as 218 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:14.399 if checking to see if I'd press further. I wanted to. Instead, 219 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.320 I forced a light laugh. Maybe I'll have to sign 220 00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:20.639 up and keep an eye on you, he rolled his eyes. 221 00:13:21.240 --> 00:13:24.320 You could, but honestly, it's the least social thing ever. 222 00:13:24.759 --> 00:13:29.480 Everyone es in headphones, competing with themselves. It was almost 223 00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:33.720 convincing the way he said it. Almost the next day, 224 00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:37.320 Megan texted, saw Ben and a woman sharing a smoothie 225 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:41.039 after club. You know her, I replied, must be Lisa. 226 00:13:41.120 --> 00:13:44.480 I guess she runs the club. Tacking on a lame joke. 227 00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:49.159 He's obviously upgraded his social group theory. But even as 228 00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:52.919 I typed, I was cataloging details. If Megan saw them together, 229 00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:56.480 why hadn't he mentioned it? Just as quickly I dismissed it. 230 00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:00.919 He probably forgot Ben was friendly, maybe Lisa was two. 231 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:05.519 No reason to leap to conclusions. But I started noticing 232 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:08.559 his runs were getting longer. He'd leave an hour early, 233 00:14:08.879 --> 00:14:12.600 saying he needed to warm up alone. He lingered after 234 00:14:12.639 --> 00:14:17.039 group sessions, always with a new reason, intervals, tempo days, 235 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:21.759 challenging himself to faster splits. I tried asking why the 236 00:14:21.799 --> 00:14:25.759 extra laps. Ben barely looked up from his phone. Getting older, 237 00:14:25.879 --> 00:14:28.240 he joked, I want to keep up with those twenty 238 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:32.200 five year olds. Then, without missing a beat, he switched topics. 239 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:36.159 Did you see that weird email from our landlord water pipes? Again? 240 00:14:36.919 --> 00:14:41.480 I almost didn't notice the abruptness, the studded casualness. Then 241 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:45.000 there was the credit card statement. Ben usually left handling 242 00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:48.039 bills to me. His only job was to forward receipts 243 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:51.759 for client meals or mileage. This time I spotted five 244 00:14:51.879 --> 00:14:55.519 separate charges at a smoothie place near the park on Friday, 245 00:14:55.600 --> 00:15:00.559 after running club on Sunday afternoon, another on the previous Thursday. 246 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:04.759 Always clustered around practice days. I brought it up over 247 00:15:04.840 --> 00:15:10.120 take out one night. We really love those smoothiesh he smiled, too, 248 00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:14.240 tightly treating the team after long runs. Every one takes 249 00:15:14.279 --> 00:15:18.799 turns buying. It's a thing, he didn't elaborate. You never 250 00:15:18.919 --> 00:15:24.720 mentioned that, I said, fishing for normal unsuspicious ground. He shrugged, 251 00:15:25.080 --> 00:15:27.639 it's new. I'll stop if it's a big deal. I 252 00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:31.360 didn't think it mattered. I couldn't quite say why it mattered. 253 00:15:31.879 --> 00:15:34.879 He was unusually eager to clear the plates, running his 254 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:37.559 thumb along the rim, the way he does when he's 255 00:15:37.559 --> 00:15:41.639 thinking hard about something he won't say out loud. At 256 00:15:41.639 --> 00:15:45.039 dinner with friends on Saturday, some one asked Ben, how's Lisa. 257 00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:48.360 Is she still crushing it. Ben's smile faltered just for 258 00:15:48.399 --> 00:15:52.039 a split second, then he said quickly, she's great, running 259 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:55.320 twice as fast as me. She's a machine. Then his 260 00:15:55.399 --> 00:15:58.519 eyes flicked across the table to check my expression, as 261 00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:01.039 if I was meant to supply a puntunch line. I 262 00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:05.639 just smiled, not trusting myself to say anything. On Tuesday, 263 00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:08.399 I took my own walk at River Park, an impulse 264 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.960 while running errands that didn't need running at all. I 265 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:16.120 deepward around the trails before practice time, headphones off, just 266 00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:20.360 breathing the cold, leaf smelling air. That's when I saw 267 00:16:20.440 --> 00:16:23.559 Ben and Lisa. They were off to the side, laughing, 268 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:27.519 standing close. Her hand brushed his arm. Then they hugged, 269 00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:30.919 lingering longer than seemed strictly necessary for a sea You 270 00:16:31.039 --> 00:16:35.799 next week good bye. I ducked behind a birch, feeling childish. 271 00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:40.200 After a while they parted. Ben jogged off, Lisa tying 272 00:16:40.200 --> 00:16:43.480 her shoes before moving the other direction. I didn't follow. 273 00:16:43.879 --> 00:16:47.000 I just stood there, heart pounding, surprised by the heat 274 00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:50.799 in my cheeks. That night, Ben came home by seven, 275 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:55.080 earlier than usual. He went straight to the shower, emerging scrubbed, 276 00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:58.600 pink hair, damp and a skew, the sharp herbal soap 277 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:02.360 still clinging to him. Want to watch something, I asked 278 00:17:02.399 --> 00:17:04.920 from the couch. He shook his head, rubbing his neck 279 00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:10.319 so tired, rain check. I nodded. He disappeared into the bedroom. 280 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:13.720 I stayed up late, painting in the half dark. My 281 00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:18.400 hands were steady, but my thoughts spun circles. The next morning, 282 00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:22.079 I forced myself to focus on work, redesigning a client's 283 00:17:22.119 --> 00:17:26.839 logo for the fourth time, deadline's looming, notifications pinging, But 284 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:31.480 beneath the surface, I kept replaying small moments. Ben's laughter 285 00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:35.240 with Lisa, the too long hug, the abrupt changes of topic, 286 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:39.960 the suddenly colder bed. He was still my Ben, careless 287 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.319 with tupperware, always talking in big plans, But something essential 288 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:47.720 felt shifted, and I didn't know if I was manufacturing 289 00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:51.799 anxiety or responding to some signal only I could see. 290 00:17:52.680 --> 00:17:57.039 Friday Night intimacy was a polite negotiation. We kissed slow 291 00:17:57.119 --> 00:17:59.880 and careful, but when I touched his hip, he murmured, 292 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:04.400 maybe to morrow, babe. Sorry, run wore me out. I 293 00:18:04.480 --> 00:18:07.920 almost whispered, is it me? But I didn't trust myself 294 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.720 not to sound needy or childish or both. Instead I 295 00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:15.720 rolled away counting breaths. The next week rolled on with 296 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:19.079 a strange, tense energy. I tried to push past it. 297 00:18:19.319 --> 00:18:21.960 Booked a dinner with friends, asked Ben if we could 298 00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:25.400 host game Night again. He agreed, but his attention was 299 00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:28.640 mostly on his phone. He said work is nuts right now, 300 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:32.279 with rates changing. I watched his thumbs fly in long 301 00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:37.680 texting bursts, always smiling just slightly. He'd always been friendly 302 00:18:37.759 --> 00:18:40.720 and sociable. That was one of the reasons I liked him, 303 00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:43.559 But now the club was giving him some new kind 304 00:18:43.559 --> 00:18:47.200 of energy, a charge, like he discovered a secret world 305 00:18:47.279 --> 00:18:51.000 that no longer needed my blessing. I was relieved, and 306 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:55.000 yet in a way I couldn't quite name uneasy. It 307 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:59.000 was on a rainy Thursday that things temporarily snapped back 308 00:18:59.039 --> 00:19:02.359 into place. I ducked into a local cafe for a 309 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:06.960 midday meeting client, late coffee, tepid rains streaking the big 310 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:10.279 front window. As I settled into a high stool, I 311 00:19:10.359 --> 00:19:13.839 heard my name. I turned and there she was, Lisa, 312 00:19:14.039 --> 00:19:17.920 the woman from the photos. She smiled, sliding into the 313 00:19:17.960 --> 00:19:21.880 seat beside me. Claire right, Ben's wife, so glad to 314 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:26.000 finally meet. She offered her hand, firm, warm, easy smile. 315 00:19:27.079 --> 00:19:31.400 I managed a high yes without betraying my internal scramble. 316 00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:36.960 Lisa was magnetic up close, not intimidatingly gorgeous, but inviting, 317 00:19:37.279 --> 00:19:40.880 self assured without being showy. She wore a club hoodie 318 00:19:40.880 --> 00:19:44.640 and old running shoes. Her nails were bitten down, edges 319 00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:48.279 of a tattoo peeking out from her sleeve. We talked 320 00:19:48.279 --> 00:19:52.440 for ten minutes, mostly her talking honestly about neighborhood cafes, 321 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:56.119 which jims were overpriced, which yoga classes she was not 322 00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:00.519 chill or co ordinated enough for. She mentioned her boyfriend twice, 323 00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:04.079 he works nights, so our schedules are a mess, and 324 00:20:04.160 --> 00:20:07.440 noted all these runners with careers no time to ever 325 00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:11.880 see each other outside the park. She seemed completely comfortable. 326 00:20:12.279 --> 00:20:15.359 No mention of Ben except in passing. He's got to 327 00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:18.640 get new shoes the amount he runs right, she teased. 328 00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:21.920 There was no tension in her posture, no secret in 329 00:20:22.000 --> 00:20:26.400 her eyes. By the time my client arrived, Lisa waved 330 00:20:26.440 --> 00:20:29.640 good bye. Tell Ben I say hi, and don't let 331 00:20:29.720 --> 00:20:32.559 him rope you into interval sprints. He'll talk you into 332 00:20:32.559 --> 00:20:37.480 it for the free smoothies. I relaxed. Maybe I'd invented 333 00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:41.279 the whole thing. Maybe Lisa was just physically affectionate, one 334 00:20:41.319 --> 00:20:44.440 of those social types who hugged everyone. If she had 335 00:20:44.440 --> 00:20:47.880 a boyfriend. Ben was probably just a friend, and I'd 336 00:20:47.960 --> 00:20:52.559 fallen down an anxiety spiral for nothing. That night, over dinner, 337 00:20:52.599 --> 00:20:56.359 I apologized. I told Ben I'd been weird about running 338 00:20:56.359 --> 00:21:00.160 club lately, confided that i'd bumped into Lisa, added that 339 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:05.519 she's great, really normal coder. Suddenly embarrassed by my own doubts, 340 00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:09.400 Ben hugged me, pressing his cheek to my hair. Babe, 341 00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:13.160 thank you, he whispered, lingering longer than he had in weeks. 342 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:17.400 I hated feeling like you didn't trust me. His affection 343 00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:20.200 felt genuine. It's not like I would have recognized a 344 00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:24.000 conspiracy in his hands or face. We went to bed early, 345 00:21:24.359 --> 00:21:29.279 socks tangled, conversation lighter, almost playful. For the first time 346 00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:33.640 in weeks, I felt something like relief, but it didn't last. 347 00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:37.359 Two days later, my phone buzzed with an Instagram d 348 00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:41.960 M a request from Lisa's account. Hope this isn't weird, 349 00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:44.079 but I feel like I should let you know. The 350 00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:48.359 message ended there, unsent or maybe deleted. It just said 351 00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:52.720 typing for a few moments, then nothing. Was it a mistake? 352 00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:55.960 Was she going to recommend a new yoga class? Or 353 00:21:56.039 --> 00:21:59.200 was she about to tell me something important? Why start 354 00:21:59.279 --> 00:22:03.400 and then stop? I stared at my phone, thumb hovering 355 00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:07.240 over except message. I typed and deleted let me know what, 356 00:22:07.880 --> 00:22:11.160 then finally shut my phone off. Ben was watching a 357 00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:14.279 cooking show in the other room, head resting on the sofa, 358 00:22:14.440 --> 00:22:18.000 arm unbothered. I spent the rest of the night trying 359 00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:21.640 to convince myself it was nothing, but the unease was back, 360 00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:26.519 burrowing under my ribs. Friday morning, Ben dashed out for 361 00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:29.920 an early trial run. I watched from the window as 362 00:22:29.960 --> 00:22:32.440 he jogged down the block, then lost sight of him 363 00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:37.279 past the bodega. After he left, I decided to do laundry, running, 364 00:22:37.319 --> 00:22:40.440 shirts and tights piling up in our shared hamper. As 365 00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:42.880 I was folding one of his new shirts, a crumpled 366 00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:47.640 hotel receipt slipped out. I frowned, smoothing it open Hotel Alchemy, 367 00:22:47.799 --> 00:22:50.960 not in our city, dated last Saturday night. I flipped 368 00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:53.759 through my calendar. Ben had told me he was doing 369 00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:57.079 a club trial run early the next morning. He gone 370 00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:00.920 to bed complaining about an early start, then left before sunrise. 371 00:23:01.920 --> 00:23:04.559 Why stay at a hotel for a local morning run. 372 00:23:05.039 --> 00:23:08.200 The hotel wasn't near the park, wasn't near any course 373 00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:11.160 I'd ever heard of. For a few minutes, I just 374 00:23:11.200 --> 00:23:14.160 stood in the bathroom, staring at the receipt, trying to 375 00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:17.160 logic my way around it. There had to be an explanation. 376 00:23:17.880 --> 00:23:20.839 Maybe he was covering for a friend. Maybe the club 377 00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:23.759 had a group event, but he hadn't mentioned any of it, 378 00:23:24.079 --> 00:23:27.599 and Ben loved talking about group events, especially when he 379 00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:31.480 got to be in charge. That afternoon, I called Paul, 380 00:23:31.880 --> 00:23:35.640 Ben's old friend from the gallery opening days, a fixture 381 00:23:35.680 --> 00:23:39.119 at every club barbecue, one of Ben's few not just 382 00:23:39.240 --> 00:23:43.880 work friends. Hey, Paul, I started casual as I could. 383 00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:47.400 Was Ben at running club last Saturday. He said it 384 00:23:47.440 --> 00:23:50.240 was an early one, threw off his whole sleep schedule. 385 00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:53.640 For a moment, there was only silence on the other end. 386 00:23:54.039 --> 00:23:58.559 Then Paul cleared his throat, m Saturday. Ah, No, I think. 387 00:23:58.599 --> 00:24:01.000 He said he had to drop everything to see his uncle. 388 00:24:01.319 --> 00:24:07.519 Figured you deno, he missed the group session. I felt cold, airless. Ah, thanks, 389 00:24:07.640 --> 00:24:13.359 see you soon. Paul sounded uncertain. Sure, Claire is everything? Okay? 390 00:24:14.440 --> 00:24:17.759 I hung up before my nerves gave me away. I 391 00:24:17.839 --> 00:24:20.079 sat down on the edge of our bed. The receipt, 392 00:24:20.200 --> 00:24:23.759 still clenched in my hand, whirled blurring around me. There 393 00:24:23.799 --> 00:24:25.720 had to be some way of making sense of this. 394 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:28.880 Maybe Ben lied to Paul or me, but not both, 395 00:24:29.640 --> 00:24:31.920 or God. Maybe there was a group trip and he 396 00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:35.519 just didn't want me to know why. That night, I 397 00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:38.960 secretly opened Ben's fitness app on the iPad, hoping for 398 00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:42.720 reassurance more than evidence. He nearly always forgot to log 399 00:24:42.799 --> 00:24:47.359 out of things. Scrolling through activities, I saw GPS tracks 400 00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:51.880 marked Saturday that ended abruptly nowhere near the park. Instead, 401 00:24:52.119 --> 00:24:54.920