WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.360 I clear our dining table with the same casual intent 2 00:00:07.639 --> 00:00:11.400 as every other Thursday. There's a certain meditative rhythm to it. 3 00:00:11.480 --> 00:00:14.439 By now a shallow bowl in the center for olives, 4 00:00:14.839 --> 00:00:17.760 candles moved an inch so the wicks don't drown in 5 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:21.480 last week's wax wineglasses clustered toward the side of the 6 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:25.879 place settings. Because Ben always talks with his hands, I 7 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:29.839 click on our old playlist, something motown and bright, nothing 8 00:00:29.879 --> 00:00:33.079 too intrusive for conversation, and try to shake off a 9 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.039 work day that left me feeling more faded than usual 10 00:00:37.079 --> 00:00:40.240 in our place. Thursday nights promise a rotating cast of 11 00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:43.479 the sort of friends we've collected steadily since Tara and 12 00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:48.159 I moved here. Four, sometimes six, occasionally just a game 13 00:00:48.280 --> 00:00:52.320 night pair with opinions about everything from experimental theater to 14 00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:56.799 the best noodles west of the river. Tara, technically running late, 15 00:00:57.159 --> 00:00:59.719 has always been the one who looks more forward to these, 16 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:03.719 At least on the face of it, her energy is contagious. 17 00:01:03.719 --> 00:01:06.799 When the door bell rings, she can diffuse any tension, 18 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:11.480 pull shy newcomers into stupid charades, transform a work stress 19 00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:15.200 into a joke every one can share to night at 20 00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:18.519 a quarter past seven, my phone buzzes. I expect a 21 00:01:18.599 --> 00:01:21.680 message from Ben. He and Jewels have switched to biking 22 00:01:21.799 --> 00:01:25.239 nights and are always threatening to be late. But it's Tara, 23 00:01:25.799 --> 00:01:29.040 gig ran over, can't make dinner. Tell every one high 24 00:01:29.120 --> 00:01:33.840 for me. An animated gift of a dog dramatically apologizing 25 00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:36.719 follows the sort of thing she sends when she really 26 00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:40.319 is sorry. I text back, We'll hoard your share of 27 00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:44.200 the spannercopeter as punishment, then open a decent bottle I 28 00:01:44.319 --> 00:01:47.840 was pretending to save. The dinner moves, along with the 29 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:51.359 right amount of banter and gossipy venting about a concert 30 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:54.959 gone wrong. Nobody seems to miss Tara, though Ben does 31 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:58.120 ask if her latest clients are the recluse type, then 32 00:01:58.200 --> 00:02:02.159 make some crack about freelanced designers having secret passageways under 33 00:02:02.200 --> 00:02:06.519 every tea cafe. I laugh, top up Jewels's glass and 34 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:09.199 try not to mind the streak of disappointment that I'd 35 00:02:09.240 --> 00:02:13.599 anticipated her slipping through the door late, but luminous making 36 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:17.199 a joke about favoring us with her presence. It's a 37 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:20.439 little after eleven when the last guest leaves. I carry 38 00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:23.680 the plates in two quiet trips and scrape up olive pits, 39 00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:26.639 debating whether I want one more drink alone or to 40 00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:30.520 head straight to bed. Our apartment feels dimmer, and I'm 41 00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:33.680 rehearsing how to say you missed a lot in a 42 00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:36.080 way that doesn't sound like a dig. As I hear 43 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:39.400 her key at the door, she walks in, carrying her 44 00:02:39.400 --> 00:02:42.560 work tote, her cheeks a little flushed hair loose in 45 00:02:42.599 --> 00:02:46.000 a way that makes her look younger. Hey, she says, 46 00:02:46.240 --> 00:02:49.439 and immediately wraps her arms around me, nestling her face 47 00:02:49.479 --> 00:02:53.400 into my neck. She's warm, soft, Her presence feels like 48 00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:57.280 a solution, the thing that always settles whatever brief loneliness 49 00:02:57.319 --> 00:03:01.560 I allow in. She steps back, her face sheepish. I know, 50 00:03:01.719 --> 00:03:04.960 I know, worst wife, right. Some crisis with the tea 51 00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:08.080 room mural client kept tweaking the colors on the fly. 52 00:03:08.599 --> 00:03:12.759 I barely got paid for my patience. I grin, accepting 53 00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:16.879 the apology. Ben says, you're off purlining secret design jobs. 54 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.400 Did they at least keep you in snacks? She lets 55 00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:23.800 her bag thump onto the floor. Not even real snacks, 56 00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:27.360 soggy rice crackers and over brewed tea. I think I'm 57 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:31.599 getting scurvy. She starts to unwind her scarf. Then it 58 00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:35.080 hits me, faint but insistent, as sent not one of 59 00:03:35.080 --> 00:03:40.360 her usual perfumes or shampoos. Something smokier, heavier, layered with spices, 60 00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:44.560 like someone had spilled incense and cardamom in a linen drawer. 61 00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:49.080 I lean closer, lightly, joking, you sure you didn't go 62 00:03:49.159 --> 00:03:53.159 clubbing at some goth bar? After she laughs, pulling her 63 00:03:53.159 --> 00:03:57.680 sweater over her head. Not unless goth bars host freelancer critiques. 64 00:03:57.719 --> 00:04:01.080 Now the tea house is brand new, run by this 65 00:04:01.159 --> 00:04:04.800 cluster of impro vegans keeps trying different incense blends to 66 00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:08.280 I don't know, summon prosperity. I think they must have 67 00:04:08.280 --> 00:04:13.120 hot boxed us. Her smile is easy, unforced. Maybe this 68 00:04:13.319 --> 00:04:15.639 is a detail I've missed before, a part of a 69 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:18.839 new gig. But as she ducks into the shower, I 70 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:21.959 notice she lingers longer than usual and skips her post 71 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:25.560 party rituals. No foraging for the good left overs, no 72 00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:28.240 folding on to the sofa with my foot in her lap. 73 00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:32.040 I tell myself, I'm reading too much into it. Work 74 00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:35.199 was hard, she worked late. She's trying out weird spaces 75 00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:39.199 for inspiration. Tara and I truthfully We've outlasted a lot 76 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.800 of our friends relationships because we don't give oxygen to paranoia. 77 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:45.399 I eat a few pieces of backla are meant for her, 78 00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:48.160 tack a sticky note on to the fridge left over 79 00:04:48.240 --> 00:04:51.000 pastor in here not too late for a midnight raid, 80 00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:53.879 then try to sleep off the pimprick feeling that I'm 81 00:04:53.959 --> 00:04:57.720 still missing a beat. By morning, Tara is back to 82 00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:01.319 her usual self, cheery, mug of coffee in both hands, 83 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:04.399 ribbing me about my heroic dish washing before her eleven 84 00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:08.399 a m. Video call. She finds the sticky note, smiles, 85 00:05:08.399 --> 00:05:11.439 and munches past her cold out of the container, as 86 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:14.680 if last night's missed dinner never happened. I want to 87 00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:19.079 shake off the sliver of vague suspicion. We're fine. It 88 00:05:19.160 --> 00:05:22.160 still surprises me sometimes how easy it is to slip 89 00:05:22.199 --> 00:05:24.959 into our shared rhythm. We met ten years ago at 90 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:28.319 a rooftop party throne by a mutual friend, one of 91 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:31.720 those sticky bluesy evenings when the city feels half way 92 00:05:31.800 --> 00:05:36.240 between dangerous and promising. Tara wore bright green shoes and 93 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:39.199 spent the entire night pulling people into a group sels 94 00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:41.800 a lesson while I hovered at the bar, trying to 95 00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:46.240 memorize people's names. She spotted me hovering, made a joke 96 00:05:46.279 --> 00:05:49.519 about allergic reactions to small talk, and offered me a 97 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:53.839 drink one that wasn't even hers. Our conversation went from 98 00:05:53.879 --> 00:05:57.959 surface banter to a winding debate about music and crowd dynamics, 99 00:05:57.959 --> 00:06:01.879 to hours later, a sneaking out for pizza and losing 100 00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:05.839 our way home. Our dynamic has always been a balance 101 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:10.639 her impulsiveness and warmth meshed with my methodical steadiness. I'd 102 00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:13.839 watch her improviser three course meal with whatever was in 103 00:06:13.879 --> 00:06:17.560 the fridge. She'd roll her eyes at my color coded schedules, 104 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:21.120 but still text me her plans out of habit. We 105 00:06:21.240 --> 00:06:24.959 love our friends, our dinners, our little urban rituals, But 106 00:06:25.040 --> 00:06:27.680 what matters most is always the end of the day, 107 00:06:28.279 --> 00:06:32.040 the walk home through city darkened blocks, the collapsing together 108 00:06:32.079 --> 00:06:34.600 on the sofa, the way we still laugh at each 109 00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:38.839 other's dumbest jokes. We have friction shure. I'm often the 110 00:06:38.920 --> 00:06:40.800 one who has to drag us back into the land 111 00:06:40.839 --> 00:06:45.120 of late bills and monthly budgets. Tara hates routine complains 112 00:06:45.160 --> 00:06:48.519 about clients she ghosts for wanting too much structure, and 113 00:06:48.600 --> 00:06:51.120 I sometimes feel a predictable dread that she finds my 114 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:56.319 groundedness boring. Even our arguments, though are oddly graceful, She 115 00:06:56.480 --> 00:07:00.000 exaggerates I deadpan, and it ends in an affectionate truth. 116 00:07:01.160 --> 00:07:05.160 We promised, vowed really years ago that nothing was off 117 00:07:05.160 --> 00:07:10.480 limits in conversation. Minor jealousies, work failures, moments of insecurity 118 00:07:10.800 --> 00:07:14.759 all fair game. Our friends joke that we process for sport, 119 00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:18.240 But the more battered relationships we've seen around us, the 120 00:07:18.240 --> 00:07:21.800 more I've come to value our brand of honesty. So 121 00:07:21.879 --> 00:07:26.720 when Tara disappears behind her freelance schedule, weeks of unpredictable gigs, 122 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:31.680 last minute cancelations, wave after wave of creative emergencies, I 123 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:35.439 roll with it. She's always been restless, more alive. When 124 00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:40.000 juggling three projects than one, we cross wires sometimes. I'm 125 00:07:40.040 --> 00:07:43.560 not against a little unpredictability, but I've always taken it 126 00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:46.040 for granted that we're honest with each other. When it 127 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:50.079 counts about a month after the first miss Thursday, I'm 128 00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:54.079 counting down until seven again, Tara texts at six thirty, 129 00:07:54.600 --> 00:07:58.240 swamped deadline, freaking out. I'll be on calls all night, 130 00:07:58.360 --> 00:08:02.600 don't wait up. Jewels and Ben are already carving up cheese. 131 00:08:02.639 --> 00:08:05.839 When I relay the message, she better not get famous. 132 00:08:06.079 --> 00:08:10.399 Ben says, she'll forget us little people. I play along, 133 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:14.160 sharing a photo of the spread with Tara. She replies 134 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:16.879 with a dozen heart emojis, plus a meme of a 135 00:08:16.920 --> 00:08:21.839 stressed designer at a laptop, head in hands. I notice, though, 136 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:25.240 when I return from walking Jewels downstairs, that the kitchen 137 00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:29.399 is tidier than usual, No impulsive snack runs, none of 138 00:08:29.439 --> 00:08:33.919 Tara's usual handwritten reminders taped near the coffee grinder. I 139 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:37.279 wonder if she's exhausted or just preoccupied. But when she 140 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:41.440 returns home even later that night, her mood is strangely buoyant. 141 00:08:42.440 --> 00:08:44.799 She tosses her bag over the chair and wraps her 142 00:08:44.919 --> 00:08:48.399 arms tight around me, peppering my face with kisses, talking 143 00:08:48.440 --> 00:08:50.519 a mile a minute about a funny typo in her 144 00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:55.559 client's project briefs. She's outwardly affectionate, almost as if overcompensating. 145 00:08:56.240 --> 00:09:00.000 You should have seen this spreadsheet, she laughs, digging for leftovers, 146 00:09:00.360 --> 00:09:04.200 they'd listed incest sticks instead of incense. I nearly died 147 00:09:04.279 --> 00:09:06.759 trying not to snort laugh in front of every one. 148 00:09:07.639 --> 00:09:10.639 She keeps the conversation on me. What did Jules and 149 00:09:10.679 --> 00:09:13.559 Ben argue about this time? Did I finally get to 150 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.799 play Djay? Was there enough dessert? She wants me to 151 00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:19.440 be the one story telling, and every time I edge 152 00:09:19.480 --> 00:09:23.240 a question about her night, she veers away. Oh, just 153 00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:27.639 the usual chaos. I won't bore you, I tease her gently. 154 00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:30.039 So when do I finally get to sample this co 155 00:09:30.120 --> 00:09:33.519 opse mystery tea? Trying to keep the mood light, Tara 156 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:37.000 grins a bit too speedy. Trust me, it's not your vibe. 157 00:09:37.399 --> 00:09:42.320 Windowless fluorescent lights, every one on keyboards, very antisocial. I 158 00:09:42.399 --> 00:09:45.559 mostly exist there as a caffeine delivery system. You be 159 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:49.200 bored out of your mind. I nod file it away 160 00:09:49.320 --> 00:09:52.639 and move the conversation back to our friends latest drama. 161 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:55.720 By the time we collapse into bed, I feel the 162 00:09:55.720 --> 00:09:59.440 beginnings of a friction. I struggle to explain. She's warm 163 00:09:59.480 --> 00:10:03.080 and affect, but her focus is scattered. She asks after 164 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:06.519 my work, my mood, but never expands on her own projects. 165 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:11.200 It's subtle, but different from before. The Next Saturday, as 166 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:14.399 I'm emptying Tara's coat pockets for change to feed the laundry, 167 00:10:14.679 --> 00:10:17.879 I find a tiny decorative match box. I almost don't 168 00:10:17.879 --> 00:10:21.000 notice it. It's square, brightly tiled, the kind you get 169 00:10:21.039 --> 00:10:24.240 at an old world cafe, with unfamiliar lettering in gold 170 00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:27.600 on the side. When I shake it, it rattles half full. 171 00:10:28.120 --> 00:10:30.679 I fidget with it, breathing in ascent that clings to 172 00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:35.200 my fingers, smoky, deep, tinged with rose and something resinous. 173 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:37.679 It doesn't match any brand we keep in the house. 174 00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:42.120 I also find a folded receipt slightly creased, for a 175 00:10:42.200 --> 00:10:46.679 Turkish restaurant up town. The name is unfamiliar, the transaction 176 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:51.240 time stamped just after ten p m. Last Thursday, the 177 00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:53.559 night she claimed to be stuck with her laptop and 178 00:10:53.679 --> 00:10:58.039 bad coffee. I almost confront her outright, but the thought 179 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:00.960 that she might have ordered takeout for her rush design session. 180 00:11:01.399 --> 00:11:03.799 Maybe the co op is next to this place, maybe 181 00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:07.200 her client offered her dinner gives me pause. I put 182 00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:11.240 it back, telling myself it's probably nothing. She's always loved 183 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:15.879 little tokens from places she works, business cards, flyers branded 184 00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:19.960 anything still that now. Familiar. Unease threads through the day. 185 00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:24.480 We fall into our usual weekend routines, grocery shopping, a 186 00:11:24.519 --> 00:11:27.799 friend's art show, a slow evening with takeout in a movie, 187 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:32.639 and Tara is herself laughing, affectionate, lively. When she's here. 188 00:11:32.840 --> 00:11:35.919 Nothing feels wrong enough to spoil it. I tell myself, 189 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:39.279 I'm being ridiculous. A match box and a receipt aren't 190 00:11:39.320 --> 00:11:43.879 evidence of anything. The next Thursday, she's gone again. By 191 00:11:43.919 --> 00:11:48.120 now it's almost customary, she leaves a hasty voicemail around dinner, 192 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:52.559 apologizing jokes about wanting to steal leftovers. The next morning, 193 00:11:53.120 --> 00:11:57.000 the routine itself begins to feel pointed. A part of 194 00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:00.000 me wants to believe she's simply overbooked, that this rush 195 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:03.720 of overlapping gigs is just another hazard of her career. 196 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:07.440 We've always given each other room for ambition as long 197 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:10.799 as we return to our shared ground. But as the 198 00:12:10.840 --> 00:12:14.200 missed Thursdays pile up, and as Tara's stories about where 199 00:12:14.200 --> 00:12:17.799 she's been grow broader, less detailed, I find myself tuning 200 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:20.480 into every shift in her voice. Some weeks it's a 201 00:12:20.519 --> 00:12:24.159 new coffee house with terrible Wi Fi. Others an art studio, 202 00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:27.639 or Angela, a new client I've never heard of. She 203 00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:31.919 describes Angela as a picky perfectionist in scattered, abstract terms. 204 00:12:32.399 --> 00:12:35.279 The stories change shape every time I try to pin 205 00:12:35.399 --> 00:12:38.879 them down. I try once to surprise her at work, 206 00:12:39.240 --> 00:12:41.440 texting on a Thursday to ask if she wants a 207 00:12:41.519 --> 00:12:45.080 quick dinner delivery, so she is doomed to whatever sprouted 208 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:49.840 bread they feed you. She replies instantly, can't talk client, 209 00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:54.960 freaking deadline. Hell, we'll be home late, promise. Tara arrives 210 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:58.840 after midnight again. There's that haze of incense and spices, 211 00:12:59.200 --> 00:13:02.240 less perfume, more the dense atmosphere of a place that 212 00:13:02.320 --> 00:13:05.279 steeps in its own traditions. She sits on the edge 213 00:13:05.279 --> 00:13:08.200 of the bed, sighs, then mumbles, I know, I know, 214 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:12.240 I missed to night again. Angela's in full breaked on mode, 215 00:13:12.600 --> 00:13:16.679 last minute edits unpaid hours. You know, I want to say, 216 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:20.759 I don't know, but she looks wrecked, hair knotted, eyes smudged. 217 00:13:21.320 --> 00:13:24.080 She crawls under the blankets and is out cold. Before 218 00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:28.000 I can decide how to probe without sounding hostile. This 219 00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:31.799 becomes a sort of rhythm. Tara's Thursday nights disappear into 220 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:36.120 a haze of supposed freelance emergencies, art sessions, and vague 221 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:39.519 new clients. She stops pretending she'll join us for dinner. 222 00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:45.759 The incenses, sometimes woodsy, sometimes floral, always mixed with something smoky, 223 00:13:46.200 --> 00:13:49.960 linger around her long after she's home. Payments from odd 224 00:13:50.039 --> 00:13:54.159 venues start cropping up on our statements. A Moroccan hooker lounge, 225 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:58.720 a minimalist uptown bar, occasionally an artisanal perfumery with a 226 00:13:58.759 --> 00:14:03.200 French name. I can bear pronounce small amounts, but always 227 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:07.519 on Thursdays, always late. I dabble with the idea that 228 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:10.919 Tara ESTs found a new routine that doesn't include me, 229 00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:14.759 not out of malice, just out of creative restlessness. She's 230 00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:18.519 always cycled through obsessions. For a while, it was silent discos, 231 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:23.200 then lives, story telling, then rooftop gardening. Maybe she's doing 232 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:26.519 research for a client. Maybe I'm grasping at things out 233 00:14:26.519 --> 00:14:31.360 of my own anxiety, afraid I'm turning dull. But sometimes 234 00:14:31.360 --> 00:14:34.120 her stories collide. One week, she says she's at a 235 00:14:34.200 --> 00:14:37.399 music venue brainstorming with Angela. The next week it's an 236 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:40.759 art studio, too far for you to visit. I ask 237 00:14:40.799 --> 00:14:43.679 if she can ever bring Angela by for dinner. She's 238 00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:47.639 super private, Tara says, and kind of a workerholic. She'd 239 00:14:47.639 --> 00:14:51.759 be insufferable at a party. There's another subtle shift too. 240 00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:55.679 Tara starts withdrawing from social media, where we used to 241 00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:59.519 post photos of Sunday brunches, city walks, or just cozy 242 00:14:59.559 --> 00:15:02.559 shots of our mismatched feet on the coffee table. Lately, 243 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:07.200 she mostly posts blurred images of food candles, cryptic creative 244 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:10.759 session captions. Sometimes there's a hand in the frame that's 245 00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:15.879 clearly not hers, once a wineglass balanced on unfamiliar painted nails. 246 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:20.840 Most weeks, the space between us narrows, as if nothing's changed. 247 00:15:21.320 --> 00:15:24.559 We watch our shows collapse into the comfortable sink of 248 00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:28.720 joint errands, tease each other about our quirks. But something 249 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:32.480 is off kilter and it won't let me alone. During 250 00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:35.159 a week ND brunch with friends, I try to drop hints, 251 00:15:35.480 --> 00:15:39.000 asking Tara gently, how es Angela are the sessions still 252 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:43.840 as frantic? She responds vaguely shrugging. She's still wild, exhausting, 253 00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:47.639 but at least the check clears. She deflects, easily, sharing 254 00:15:47.720 --> 00:15:51.279 almost nothing. Instead, she laughs along with Jewels about an 255 00:15:51.279 --> 00:15:54.919 idiotic neighbor, and when her phone buzzes, she excuses herself 256 00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:58.679 for a client call. She spends almost ten minutes in 257 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:03.200 the hallway before slipping back into conversation as if nothing happened. 258 00:16:04.159 --> 00:16:06.440 When we're home alone, I ask if she wants to 259 00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:09.399 share the project with me, maybe brainstorm away out of 260 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:13.879 her client's chaos. Tara smiles, nobody. But you would offer ELI, 261 00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:17.480 but it's just too messy. You'd be bored. Her words 262 00:16:17.480 --> 00:16:23.080 are gentle, oddly final. Later, curious, I mention Angela to Jamie, 263 00:16:23.360 --> 00:16:27.039 a close friend who sometimes shares freelance contacts with Tara. 264 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:31.799 Jamie tilts his head, puzzled. Angela, don't think she mentioned 265 00:16:31.799 --> 00:16:34.600 a new client by that name. Tara said she was 266 00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:38.120 scaling back this month, something about finally being sick of 267 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:43.080 all nighters. The contradiction sits beside me all evening. That night, 268 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:46.360 I scroll our joint credit card statement and confirm what 269 00:16:46.440 --> 00:16:50.399 I've been noticing, Like clockwork, every Thursday. There's another charge, 270 00:16:50.679 --> 00:16:55.960 always somewhere we've never been, Turkish restaurants, scent shops, niche bars. 271 00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:59.639 Whenever I wonder about these, Tara tells stories about crappy 272 00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:04.240 vegan snacks or a studio with terrible heating. I steel 273 00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:07.759 myself to ask about it, but stall out, haunted by 274 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:11.440 the idea of humiliating myself. If it's all normal. We 275 00:17:11.559 --> 00:17:14.119 promised not to be one of those couples, the ones 276 00:17:14.119 --> 00:17:18.640 who tear each other apart over phantom suspicions. Still, I 277 00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:21.200 start to wonder who Tara is when she leaves the building, 278 00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:24.319 if she's not working, who is she with and why 279 00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:28.880 the secrecy money starts slipping through the cracks. Tara takes 280 00:17:28.920 --> 00:17:32.920 out cash for some expenses in small but regular bursts, 281 00:17:32.920 --> 00:17:36.400 something we never did much trusting our digital paper trail. 282 00:17:37.480 --> 00:17:40.079 The details map out a web I can't quite decode. 283 00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:45.799 Each Thursday, a new destination, each explanation slightly askew, never 284 00:17:45.880 --> 00:17:50.279 overlapping for long. Our apartment, once the sight of easy routines, 285 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:54.279 now feels punctured every Thursday, stitched together only for the 286 00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:57.480 comfort of the rest of the week. I try once 287 00:17:57.519 --> 00:17:59.480 to catch her in a lie about the venue, but 288 00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:03.319 she's quick. Oh, I had to switch tea shops. Construction 289 00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:07.000 on the main drag. Plus Angela's obsessed with these new 290 00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:10.960 candle scents makes me do sniff tests every week. I know, 291 00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:15.359 design a life glamorous. I smile and let it drop, 292 00:18:15.759 --> 00:18:19.440 frustrated with myself for prying then stewing in the silence 293 00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:23.240 after she goes out again. One Monday morning, as I 294 00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:27.000 tidy Tara's work space, a small chaotic desk tucked by 295 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:29.720 the living room window, I find a torn corner of 296 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:32.599 a photo wedged behind her laptop. On the back is 297 00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:36.799 her handwriting until Thursday Night, can't wait. The rest is 298 00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:40.920 ripped away, nothing to connect it directly to Angela. Underneath, 299 00:18:41.160 --> 00:18:44.559 just a cryptic, looping capital C. The letter is written 300 00:18:44.599 --> 00:18:47.319 in her favorite purple pen, the one she uses for 301 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:51.880 birthday cards and little jokes. I hold it between my fingers, 302 00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:55.920 my mind racing in circles. Does C stand for Angela's 303 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.119 last name? A code for an event, a slip of 304 00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:04.000 intimacy meant for someone else? Nothing fits neatly. I want 305 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:08.359 to believe Tara. She's affectionate, never cruel, always the first 306 00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:12.880 to improvise solutions to even our worst fights. She hates secrets, 307 00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:16.079 at least in theory. But every answer leads me back 308 00:19:16.119 --> 00:19:20.519 to these unease ridden Thursday nights. Later that week, I 309 00:19:20.599 --> 00:19:23.680 resolve to dig a little deeper. Tara leaves for another 310 00:19:23.799 --> 00:19:27.240 sight meeting at her new studio, the time conveniently aligning 311 00:19:27.240 --> 00:19:30.240 with her usual Thursday slot. I wait half an hour, 312 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:34.200 then log into our shared online calendar. Supposedly are commons 313 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.440 for both our gigs and appointments. There are work blocks 314 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:40.640 on every Thursday, stretching from early evening to late night. 315 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:45.200 The titles read only client session or design meeting, no 316 00:19:45.400 --> 00:19:49.839 specific names. Her entries, once full of little jokes or 317 00:19:49.880 --> 00:19:54.440 color coded gig notes, have grown blunt and sterile. I 318 00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:57.319 open another browser window and pull up the website for 319 00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:00.880 the Turkish restaurant from the receipt. Anxious, I call and 320 00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:03.960 ask if any one by Angela had reserved a table 321 00:20:04.039 --> 00:20:07.880 last Thursday. The voice on the other end hesitates, then replies, 322 00:20:08.359 --> 00:20:11.079 not that I remember. We do have a table blocked 323 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:15.920 every Thursday for two for a Carmen, very regular, very particular, 324 00:20:16.160 --> 00:20:20.359 always asks for the back booth. The name strikes a chord. 325 00:20:20.920 --> 00:20:24.720 See Thursday night Carmen. I jot down the details. My 326 00:20:24.799 --> 00:20:28.519 pulse quickening. I try searching my memory as Tara ever 327 00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:32.440 mentioned a Carmen a designer from her conference circuit. No 328 00:20:32.559 --> 00:20:36.200 one comes to mind. That night. I hover as Tara 329 00:20:36.319 --> 00:20:40.079 unpacks her messenger bag. Another new incense stick pokes out 330 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:44.319 from a zipp'd side pocket, Its sand lord unmistakably strong. 331 00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:48.000 I run my hand over her back, squeeze her shoulders, 332 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:50.599 and say, must be nice to find a client who 333 00:20:50.720 --> 00:20:56.240 actually tips in fancy sense. She laughs overly, bright, almost 334 00:20:56.319 --> 00:20:59.079 makes up for the all nighters. Angela's a bit much, 335 00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:02.359 but she keeps me on my toes. I want a 336 00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:06.359 press to mention Carmen outright to ask about the restaurant, 337 00:21:06.920 --> 00:21:10.599 but the notion of crossing some invisible boundary of becoming 338 00:21:10.599 --> 00:21:15.000 the spouse who polices every answer keeps me silent. The 339 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:17.720 next day, I reach out to two of Tara's regular 340 00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:23.559 freelance collaborators under the guise of sharing upcoming project leads. Casually, 341 00:21:23.799 --> 00:21:27.559 I ask about Angela if she's launched any new creative 342 00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:32.880 gigs recently. Vic, one of Tara's closest work friends, writes back, 343 00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:36.400 she actually turned down two projects from me lately, said 344 00:21:36.440 --> 00:21:40.279 she was overloaded and needed some quiet as she found 345 00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:43.599 real work life balance finally, or is she hiding out 346 00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:47.799 at a spa that night? Acutely on edge, I recall 347 00:21:47.880 --> 00:21:50.640 how our neighbor Drew once made a teasing comment in 348 00:21:50.680 --> 00:21:54.880 the elevator saw Tara heading out Thursday night. She always 349 00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:59.200 looks so put together. Who's the lucky date? I'd brushed 350 00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:02.000 it off. But now I linger outside his door as 351 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:06.599 he's hanging his bike. Hey, Drew, random question, when you 352 00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:09.799 saw Tara last Thursday? Was she alone or with any 353 00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:15.200 one from the building? Drew looks uncertain, a little guilty. Ah, Honestly, 354 00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:19.079 she was with someone tall woman, pretty, sheic, big scarf, 355 00:22:19.160 --> 00:22:22.200 all black, looked kind of intense. Figured may be a 356 00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:25.480 designer friend, since you guys always have those creative types 357 00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:29.720 floating around. They looked happy. Tara was all grins. Didn't 358 00:22:29.720 --> 00:22:33.160 want to be weird, so I just nodded. I thank him. 359 00:22:33.160 --> 00:22:36.240 Mind racing that image doesn't fit with the story of 360 00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:39.680 being told it's not Angela, not a male client, but 361 00:22:39.720 --> 00:22:44.680 another woman, Carmen, some one entirely new. My mind scrolls 362 00:22:44.680 --> 00:22:48.880 through every mutual friend, every Instagram handle, any one Tara's 363 00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:54.279 mentioned offhand. Nothing. Through the next week, my uncertainty calcifies 364 00:22:54.279 --> 00:22:57.480 into something harder. I debate whether I've been misreading the 365 00:22:57.559 --> 00:23:01.279 cues all along, testing the boundaries of trust against the facts. 366 00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:05.279 I want to believe Tara's version, the project overload, the 367 00:23:05.319 --> 00:23:09.839 fussy client, the artistic deadlines. But Angela is a phantom 368 00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:13.359 in all our circles. Carmen's name is nowhere, but that 369 00:23:13.559 --> 00:23:17.920 restaurant book I start noticing more. Tara is quick to 370 00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:20.519 turn her phone screen down when it lights up. She 371 00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:25.119 started using cash for incidental expenses, telling me it's just easier. 372 00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:29.240 Those credit card notifications stress me out. She posts less 373 00:23:29.240 --> 00:23:32.039 and less about us, more about quiet bowls of soup 374 00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:36.160 or dark backgrounds with cryptic captions. A new hand appears 375 00:23:36.200 --> 00:23:40.400 in one post, a ring I don't recognize. Still, when 376 00:23:40.400 --> 00:23:42.759 we're together the rest of the week, she's the Tara 377 00:23:42.920 --> 00:23:46.920 I know, flawed, funny, never unkind. It would almost be 378 00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:50.440 easier if she'd pulled away. The affection is still there, 379 00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:54.759 woven into our mornings, our weekend coffee runs, the long, 380 00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:57.759 lazy brunches where she nudges me with her bare feet. 381 00:23:58.799 --> 00:24:02.240 But the city feels different, stripped of some comfort. I 382 00:24:02.279 --> 00:24:06.319 no longer trust my own judgment. Each Thursday, my anxiety 383 00:24:06.359 --> 00:24:09.359 spikes my thoughts running in loops. I can't find a 384 00:24:09.359 --> 00:24:13.079 way out of am I missing an intricate piece. Am 385 00:24:13.119 --> 00:24:17.119 I conjuring ghosts out of coincidence, sabotaging myself by looking 386 00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:20.079 for patterns that mean nothing? Or am I watching my 387 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.839 marriage unravel? Thread by thread so slowly and gracefully that 388 00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:28.359 neither of us can say it out loud. I replay 389 00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:32.559 every key moment. I can remember our last anniversary, strolling 390 00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:35.319 through the city, the way Tara toasted us in front 391 00:24:35.319 --> 00:24:39.240 of our friends, loud and proud and sentimental, her laughter, 392 00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:41.799 which always called me out of my cave of worry. 393 00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:45.519 The private jokes are names for types of rain. Her 394 00:24:45.680 --> 00:24:49.920 rain check texts every Thursday. I want to believe that's 395 00:24:50.039 --> 00:24:53.000 enough to anchor us, to keep us honest. I want 396 00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:55.599 to believe that when I finally muster the courage to 397 00:24:55.640 --> 00:24:58.640 ask Tara what's really happening, she'll look me in the 398 00:24:58.680 --> 00:25:01.559 eye and tell me the whole truth, even if it's 399 00:25:01.599 --> 00:25:05.759 something I can't comprehend. But I also remember the way 400 00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:09.000 the incense clings to the air after she enters, How 401 00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:11.839