1 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,519 Speaker 1: Hello, I'm welcomed stories all the time. Glad you are here. 2 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,279 Let's get into it. Thursday nights always begin with the 3 00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:15,720 persistent scent of warm while and crisping tortiers. Our fruit 4 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,239 truck nor is hunched over the sidewalk beneath the halach 5 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:20,399 and Sodie lamp, the Chris Portland air already thick with 6 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,920 the promise of rain and to night, just like last week, 7 00:00:23,039 --> 00:00:24,960 I'd elbow deep in a plastic tub of housemates seal. 8 00:00:25,039 --> 00:00:27,000 So when Amy's phone, her personal cell, the one with 9 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,120 the chip flavender case and the screen always black, and 10 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,240 the counter buzzes against the truck's window shelf, she doesn't 11 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,320 look at me when she answers, doesn't even tip her 12 00:00:34,359 --> 00:00:37,079 chin my way. There's a tiny beat of silence after 13 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:40,039 she says Hi, Yeah, I'll head up, sue in, and 14 00:00:40,079 --> 00:00:42,359 then the phone snatch shot with an efficiency that punches 15 00:00:42,399 --> 00:00:45,039 out any chance for a follow up. Her apron stinned 16 00:00:45,039 --> 00:00:47,280 in three distinct places, all Pico de Gallo, sometimes a 17 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,200 tillow green across the hem, and what might have been 18 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,159 the shadow of Jilly oil if she hadn't wiped it. 19 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960 I'm still rinsing my hands off when she enties it 20 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,159 with quick, nervous fingers. I'll do the supply of run, 21 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,920 Amy calls over her shoulder, the april drizzle already dot 22 00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:02,280 her hair. She steps backward out of the truck's back hatch, 23 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,519 just the usual Thursday pick up. I'll be home before nine. 24 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:09,079 Want anything for dinner? Maybe Raymond. She's not quite making 25 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,040 eye contact, busy gathering stray corquyes and keeping her gaze 26 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,599 carefully fixed on the neon puddle of city street outside 27 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,519 the food truck. Register is still open. Thos peeking out 28 00:01:17,519 --> 00:01:20,280 over the rim, but she doesn't touch it. Her wallet's 29 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,640 already stuffed into her pears, her phone cradled in her palm. 30 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,640 For a second, I think task, want to split, need 31 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:28,519 help with the heavy stuff, but the question dies somewhere 32 00:01:28,519 --> 00:01:31,799 in my throat. Before supply runs were our little adventure. 33 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,159 I stood for sidewalks, half awake at seven a m. 34 00:01:34,239 --> 00:01:36,760 Cradling sheet gas station coffee and arguing about the best 35 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,920 small vendors in the city. Before I always knew which 36 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,560 fom she was headed to, who she'd see on a 37 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,519 given day, which backedor to look for on a sun 38 00:01:43,519 --> 00:01:46,319 at warehouse to night, though There's no mention of where 39 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:49,200 she's going, no order sheets taped to her phone case, 40 00:01:49,959 --> 00:01:52,319 no delivery. Van Idling at the cub, she simply slides 41 00:01:52,359 --> 00:01:54,760 into her weather creased Hondasivic, the one with the faded 42 00:01:54,799 --> 00:01:56,840 eat local window decal, and makes her right out of 43 00:01:56,879 --> 00:01:59,480 the law. The red glow of her tail light shudders, 44 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,400 and the rains mired street and vanishes. I wipe down 45 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,599 the counters in silence, fingers sticky with dried cilantra. By 46 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,959 the time I finished stacking sauce containers and lucking the 47 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,240 spent drum of friar grease to the alley, expect her 48 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,199 to call to say she's running later she needs help 49 00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:15,000 with cases. When my own phone buses at eight fifteen, 50 00:02:15,039 --> 00:02:17,319 it's only a push notification from our share of calendar 51 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:21,159 prep tammels for Friday mart her. She comes in just 52 00:02:21,199 --> 00:02:24,000 before nine cheeks, too red for her usual dryer, hair 53 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,199 rumpled at the crown as if someone else's hands have 54 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,719 been at her scalp. There's not a single new box 55 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,439 under her Armino, crates of plastic bags stuffed with produce, 56 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,120 not even a waxy wax paper sleep from a bakery. 57 00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,719 She's in the same genes, but change out her work 58 00:02:36,759 --> 00:02:39,599 shirt for a black sweater. Hercent hits before she says 59 00:02:39,599 --> 00:02:41,560 a word. Not the almond tang of dish soap, not 60 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:45,639 sweat or chipotlet or anything warm, but something syrupy and sharp, sweet, 61 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,960 almost floral, but darker underneath, like honey, with a strange, 62 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,360 musky depth, cut with the trees of cologne I can't place. 63 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,000 She drapes her coat over her chair before I can 64 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:58,439 say anything. Everything's sorted, they'll invers us. I swallow hard, 65 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,120 no deliver is to day. She tosses her hair too quickly. 66 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,599 Supplier was backed up. I just handled paperwork. We'll get 67 00:03:05,599 --> 00:03:08,960 the boxes dropped off tomorrow. Later. When I crawl into bed, 68 00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:11,919 that scent is so strongly crowds out everything, food, sheets, 69 00:03:12,039 --> 00:03:15,039 even sleep. But by morning her side is cold. Before 70 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,080 all this, things fell simple. For maybe two years straight. 71 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:19,960 It was just me and Amy's side by side under 72 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,120 the humming florescence of our borrowed kitchen, the two of 73 00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:24,400 us stitching our lives together through the shared rhythms of 74 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,719 flower heat and coffee fumes. She always set the playlist 75 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,360 dage as Cumby as an indie fook, and for a 76 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,840 few hours each morning with a city bailey waking. It 77 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,960 felt like we were sealed inside our own warm mold 78 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:36,680 onion peels stuck to her elbows should wink at me 79 00:03:36,719 --> 00:03:38,759 across the prep table and mount the course to some psalm. 80 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,159 I'd forgotten and the only future we really needed was 81 00:03:41,199 --> 00:03:44,039 the next doorder slip running nort was supposed to be 82 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,759 all about togetherness, about partners in something that was ours. 83 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,400 Every milestone we celebrated off us glowing Yelp review, a 84 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,639 little fray in clipping from that magazine spread them into 85 00:03:52,639 --> 00:03:55,000 another market that this was real, that we were equals. 86 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,800 Amy wore blue nail polish the week we bought our 87 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,960 second fry and left smudges of it on every ledge 88 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,439 page we filled out that season. We had a rhythm 89 00:04:02,439 --> 00:04:04,319 for bookwork. One of us would start the tally, tho 90 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,360 though would check the math, and in the off hours 91 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,639 we check greasy styrofoam take out in the living room, 92 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,280 half watching what Davis Show happened to be on Our 93 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,879 trust was the whole backbone. Everything in the open, all 94 00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:16,600 calls and texts and schedules in a single Google calendar. 95 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,360 If something came up, we both heard about it. We 96 00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:21,680 both showed up. If one of us closed out late, 97 00:04:21,759 --> 00:04:23,680 the other came, no matter how cold the street or 98 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,480 how long the line. So when Amy announced, out of 99 00:04:26,519 --> 00:04:28,959 nowhere late one Wednesday night that Thursday Runs would be 100 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,040 hers alone, I should have said something stronger. She'd pulled 101 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,120 the notebook from under her pillow, flipping past a miss 102 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:37,120 of scribbled recipes and cost notes. I'm just going to 103 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,160 take care of Thursdays on my own. The drive's long, 104 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,439 and they only want to work with me. Less confusion 105 00:04:41,439 --> 00:04:44,040 that way. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Not 106 00:04:44,199 --> 00:04:48,240 after three years of splitting runs. I half laughed. Since 107 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:51,439 when does Jealouscoe Foods or whoever not want more business. 108 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,759 It's not Jealousco. It's a new supplier. No further detail. 109 00:04:56,439 --> 00:04:58,439 She tucked a coal behind her ear. A habit she 110 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,800 only does win nervous and focus the watermark in the 111 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,800 ceiling plaster. I can come if you want. I offered 112 00:05:03,879 --> 00:05:06,759 as much out of habit as anything else. She shook 113 00:05:06,759 --> 00:05:09,720 her head too sharp. No, it's easier for everyone if 114 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,360 I just take care of it. Trust me. She started 115 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,040 scrolling through her phone messages, flicking past faster than I 116 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,920 could read the previews. I caught a flash of looking 117 00:05:17,959 --> 00:05:20,839 forward it before the locks green blinked on. After she 118 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,040 turned off her lamp, she kept her phone clutched against 119 00:05:23,079 --> 00:05:25,920 her side, beneath the covers. That was the first fractury, 120 00:05:26,519 --> 00:05:28,319 the first time she nudged me out of the kitchen, 121 00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:30,560 a little crack in a tempo of our routine, but 122 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,360 I let her. It was a small ask, and she'd 123 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,480 never given me a reason not to believe her before. 124 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:39,399 The following Thursday played out almost identically. We wrapped her 125 00:05:39,399 --> 00:05:42,199 early lined, dwindling with the rain. She checked her phone 126 00:05:42,199 --> 00:05:45,480 before I'd even finished checking the last onions. I'm gonna 127 00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:47,959 run and grab the new order, she announced. Keys already 128 00:05:47,959 --> 00:05:51,879 in hand. Need a hand, I asked, more hopeful than anything. 129 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,480 She waved a dismissive hand. I've got it. I'll call 130 00:05:55,519 --> 00:05:58,120 if it's anything big. She didn't make it sound like 131 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,279 an invitation. That night, just past nine, she came and 132 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,240 wearing a new scarf, a blue silk one I'd never 133 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,639 seen before, and the same strange scent wafted around her. 134 00:06:06,319 --> 00:06:08,759 This time. I watched as she flinched away from my hug, 135 00:06:08,879 --> 00:06:10,879 claiming she was just dicky from all the fruit crate. 136 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,199 I checked the kitchen in the morning. No new honey, 137 00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:17,319 no new boxes, no sign of her delivery. When they asked, 138 00:06:17,399 --> 00:06:21,040 she shrugged, bare faced. Dilbilla's didn't have to hold anything 139 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,959 to day. Amy's receipts, folded for the week, was blank. 140 00:06:24,639 --> 00:06:27,519 That's when I noticed her phone habits changing too. She 141 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,800 started teking her screen away when I'd walk into the room, 142 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,079 a slow shuffle at first, typing with one hand while 143 00:06:32,079 --> 00:06:35,160 springing sauce with the other. More and more little pins 144 00:06:35,199 --> 00:06:36,920 went off. Half to midnight. I'd wake up to the 145 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,639 pale blue flash and find her shoulders hunched, face illuminated 146 00:06:39,639 --> 00:06:42,959 by whatever text dread she kept close. One night, while 147 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,079 we lay together, her already curled towards the wall. I 148 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,399 heard her laugh softly as sharp in private. Something on 149 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,399 her screen. I prought myself on one elbow, trying for 150 00:06:50,439 --> 00:06:53,600 a casual what's so funny? She snapped her phone shat, 151 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,839 not pausing for her just something for Marissa, mean about 152 00:06:56,839 --> 00:07:00,240 pickled carrots. I waited for her to show me, she 153 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,439 rolled over instead. At times it felt like she was 154 00:07:03,519 --> 00:07:06,600 raising me on purpose. One evening at a small business 155 00:07:06,639 --> 00:07:09,399 mixer with all the familiar faces from surrounding cotts and trucks. 156 00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:12,120 She excused herself made conversation to take a coal outside. 157 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,000 The room was packed, every one shouting recommendations for the 158 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,920 best late night doughnut spot. And for a while I 159 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,279 just drifted, jaw tight from one clump of people to another, 160 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,600 until I caught sight of her outside coat hunched up, 161 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,560 hand pressed tight to her ear Inside A man hovered 162 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,680 by the back wall, A tall, anular guy whose names 163 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,519 sat in the back of my mind unclaimed. His eyes 164 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,759 kept flicking in our direction. His stance shifting tads caught 165 00:07:32,759 --> 00:07:35,040 my ear for some reason, he looked like he was 166 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,839 waiting for some one. When Amy returned, her face was 167 00:07:37,879 --> 00:07:39,720 flushed and she kept her hand woven through her hair, 168 00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:43,040 smoothing flyaways. She avoided the man as she ducked back 169 00:07:43,079 --> 00:07:45,879 in angling her body away from the bar. We left 170 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,240 early that night, met with a headache, her texting under 171 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,040 the deashboard glow all the way home. I started second 172 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:54,959 guessing everything. I called the regular supplier, Jealousco Foods on 173 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,519 a Tuesday, just to confirm our next pickup. Jalisco's manager, 174 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,839 Fal sounded confused when I asked about Alpha's Thursday meetings. 175 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,600 We don't do after ires for any Once, she said, 176 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,480 you two always come together in the mornings. Haven't seen 177 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,000 either of you for two weeks? This something up. The 178 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,600 question landed like a dull blade. My answer was mumbled, no, 179 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,319 just double checking schedule stuff before I made up an 180 00:08:16,319 --> 00:08:19,000 excuse to hang up. When Amy came home that night, 181 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,839 I asked her straight out, which supplier have you been 182 00:08:21,839 --> 00:08:25,120 meeting Thursdays? I called Jaliscoe. They don't do runs after ires, 183 00:08:25,759 --> 00:08:29,160 she exhaled loudly, more annoyed than guilty. It's not Jaliscoe. 184 00:08:29,199 --> 00:08:31,759 It's complicated. Look, I'm sorting it out. Can you just 185 00:08:31,759 --> 00:08:34,279 trust me for a minute. She was already half way 186 00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:37,360 down the hall, not waiting for a reply. From then on, 187 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,720 our intimacy started to slip away by degrees. In bed, 188 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,840 she claimed headache's exhaustion early morning's always something that let 189 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,679 her turn just enough out of reach. She stopped leaning 190 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:49,240 against me on the couch. Her hugs at the end 191 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,840 of long work days became perfunctory, worn armed things with 192 00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:55,240 the stiffness I didn't recognize. One morning, rifling through the 193 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,559 laundry basket for an apron, I paused a lip six 194 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:00,720 stains much in the sash, the red wasture and bolder 195 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,879 than anything Amy wore. Her usual was a pinkish coral 196 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,159 or clay gloss, something barely there. I pinched the cough 197 00:09:06,159 --> 00:09:09,240 between my fingers, that syrupe spicy, sent rising again, and 198 00:09:09,279 --> 00:09:13,440 folded it under her pillow. She never mentioned it. Sometimes 199 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,919 in the truck she laughed too loudly with certain customers, 200 00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:17,960 a bubbling, easy sort of laugh. I hadn't herror from 201 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,440 her in ages at home. She brightened when a few 202 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,039 regulars came by, specially toll men with easy hands and 203 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,000 taste for our free based oak was frescas. Each time 204 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,000 she smile, a little wider, lean, a little closer. If 205 00:09:29,039 --> 00:09:31,080 I tried to joke or tease with her, should clamp up, 206 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,039 glancing at her phone, always acting like she was chasing schedule. 207 00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:36,759 I couldn't see. As much as I tried, I couldn't 208 00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:39,679 get back and sink with her. It started with little things. 209 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,840 No more splitting up the end of day deposss. No 210 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,159 more shared supply, a list taped to the fridge, no 211 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,000 more scribbled recipe tweaked, passed back and forth on napkins. 212 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:50,519 Our evenings became parallel lines, each of us scrolling through 213 00:09:50,519 --> 00:09:53,159 our own screens in separate corners of the couch, pretending 214 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,960 we couldn't feel the weight in the air. Once, while 215 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,639 turning out the truck for a deep clean, I came 216 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,200 across a fruit truck inventory slip dog eared and right 217 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,759 at the edge and the shelf above the register. On 218 00:10:02,799 --> 00:10:05,159 the back in Amy's loopy the determined hand was a 219 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,840 neatly ink list of dates all Thursdays, stretching back about 220 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,639 two months. Next to each was a pair of initials 221 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,799 jay W. I waited until her next early night home 222 00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:15,559 to bring it up, holding the slip in my fist 223 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,600 as she dumped her keys on the table. Who's j W? 224 00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:22,120 I tried and failed as to sound casual. Her eyes 225 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,200 narrowed for the brief a sicken, and then she smoothed 226 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,159 her face. Jonah Worth, he runs a beekeeping co op 227 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,039 the de small batch honey, figured it could be good 228 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,720 for a summer special. Thursday meetings are just for taste testing. 229 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,120 I forgot to mention it before, but it's no big deal. 230 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:37,600 She watched me and blinking, You want to try the honey? 231 00:10:37,639 --> 00:10:40,799 I can ask for a sample The explanation was half convincing, 232 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,080 just enough to loosen the not in my chest. But 233 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,879 as she shifted the topic card to what we should 234 00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:47,080 order for dinner, I felt the unease settled right back 235 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,279 in Her phone, pinged again that night, a little after midnay. 236 00:10:50,879 --> 00:10:53,000 When I rolled over to watch her, she just typed 237 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,799 with hell Lila pinched between her teeth, blanketing herself tighter 238 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,799 so I could only see the glow reflected in the window. 239 00:10:58,399 --> 00:11:01,080 Every Thursday bled into the next, each one feeling down 240 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,840 near identical Amy, rushing out with her phone's knock in 241 00:11:03,879 --> 00:11:06,480 her face, coming back with nothing but that syrup's wheat 242 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:08,480 musky scent in her hair and a different scuffer let 243 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:10,720 to go jacket each time, never a cotton or inverse, 244 00:11:10,799 --> 00:11:12,799 or any proof she'd even see a supply That night. 245 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,080 For a stretch, I tried to talk myself down. I 246 00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:18,320 forced as much trust into myself as I could muster. 247 00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:21,799 Maybe she really did have a new order system, maybe 248 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,799 the honey deal would land us on some Best of 249 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,559 Portland summer list. But then, why all the secrecy, Why 250 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,279 no supplier willing to confirm, Why did she keep so 251 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,480 much to herself, and why did her body co away 252 00:11:32,519 --> 00:11:34,440 from mine more and more, until I started feeling like 253 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,240 a ghost in my own tiny apartment. The only thing 254 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,240 that kept me seeing was work, the thuding music of 255 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,200 cutting boards, the familiar lattice of steam and prep routines. 256 00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:45,879 Our clothes and checklists stayed the same, our rotation schedule untouched. 257 00:11:45,919 --> 00:11:48,120 But the center was gone, hollowed out and tender, and 258 00:11:48,159 --> 00:11:50,399 I kept replaying every Thursday, like an off cuisson on 259 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,360 a short loop. Every so often Amy would look up 260 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,320 from her phone and for a heartbeat seemed like she 261 00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:58,120 might say something, some confessional, some reason that would make 262 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,919 it all fit. But the moment always up away, replaced 263 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,879 by her hustle for the door, her hand already on 264 00:12:02,919 --> 00:12:05,080 her keys, her eyes skating past me, like I'd become 265 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:07,559 just another part of the background. It was a kind 266 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:10,759 of slowsification. The more evident a gather, the less certain 267 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,919 I felt. Was I inventing all of this? Was it 268 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,679 possible for someone to love you and look right through 269 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:18,240 you at the same time. One Thursday, at the tail 270 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,279 end of May, when the sky smeared to slate crate 271 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,840 six and never lightened again, I finished clean up alone. 272 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,879 Amy was gone before I'd finished refilling the hot saucepins. 273 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,919 She texted, runningly with the supplier love you, but nothing else. 274 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,279 That night, I lain bed, counting the words of the heater, 275 00:12:33,399 --> 00:12:35,799 searching for the scent of honey on her pillow. It 276 00:12:35,919 --> 00:12:37,840 was there, just faint enough to make me angry, a 277 00:12:37,879 --> 00:12:40,080 trace of something sticky, sweet and not at all liars. 278 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,159 But then even our regulars had noticed the shift. Where's 279 00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:46,240 Amy to day? They'd ask when she vanished from her 280 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,240 end of the line, Or you two fighting? If we 281 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,519 weren't joking the way we used to, all hustling out orders, 282 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,440 I'd make excuses she's sorting some new vendor stuff or 283 00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:58,399 just slammed with Brooks. They'd nod, but their eyes lingered. Unconvinced. 284 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,759 I scrolled through our chef calender, obsessively looking for clues 285 00:13:01,759 --> 00:13:04,639 and unloved meeting a critic, shorthand anything that would pin 286 00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:07,279 down what she was actually doing. But the entries were 287 00:13:07,279 --> 00:13:10,840 always vague. Thursday, pick up mitya w order, honey test 288 00:13:10,879 --> 00:13:14,240 batch confirm at bar. At first, the word above flickered by, 289 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,240 and I ignored to see me. It was a mis key, 290 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,960 someone's rush type of a casual venue for supply meet ups. 291 00:13:19,639 --> 00:13:21,120 But the more I thought about it, the more it 292 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,960 gnawed at me. Why a bar for ingredients? Every supplier 293 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000 meeting we'd ever had was at a warehouse, a cave, 294 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,200 maybe a marketplace stall. Once I tried to bring it 295 00:13:30,279 --> 00:13:33,240 up testing the waters during a lull between rushes, Hey, 296 00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:35,159 do you want me to check out that honey you mentioned? 297 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,799 I could meet Jay w next week? She stiffened, hands, 298 00:13:38,799 --> 00:13:41,720 flinching at the line she was slicing. No, I've got it. 299 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,720 He's picky about who he selse to. I'll pitch you 300 00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:46,360 on it when the time comes. She looked right at me, 301 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,639 her face set in polite, distant patience, the same custom 302 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:52,320 of service masks she wore with bushy distributors. Stop worrying, 303 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,399 We're good. A couple of times I fantasized about just 304 00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:58,840 following her. I pictured myself in the civic shadow, watching 305 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,960 as she drove somewhere out of the city, ducking into 306 00:14:00,919 --> 00:14:03,480 a side door at some industrial park, trading paperwork and 307 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:06,919 taste test philes with a bearded tippie in overalls. Each time, 308 00:14:07,039 --> 00:14:09,000 I told myself it would amount to nothing, that I 309 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,679 was just being paranoid. But then on another Thursday laden June. 310 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:15,879 She came back even later, face shining as glassy. Her 311 00:14:15,879 --> 00:14:18,440 clothes reeked of the same syrupee deep sweet odor. But 312 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:21,960 now there was another layer beneath wine maybe, and something sharp, floral, 313 00:14:22,039 --> 00:14:24,840 almost peppery. I caught a flash of red lipstick on 314 00:14:24,879 --> 00:14:27,200 her neck s much to the collar boom. The next 315 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,639 morning she left her apron dripped over a dining chair. 316 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,080 I picked it up, turning it over in my hands, 317 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,120 tracing the lipstick mark. I pressed my nose to the cloth, 318 00:14:35,799 --> 00:14:39,200 that strange, sweet, heavy smell, clinging as stubbornly as glue. 319 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,399 I dropped the apron back on to the chair and 320 00:14:41,399 --> 00:14:43,440 sat elbows on knees until my ch aye ache from 321 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,720 grinding my teeth. Just then, her phone buzzed from the bedroom, 322 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,679 one bright, insistent time I'd come to dread. I listened 323 00:14:49,679 --> 00:14:52,600 sharply and shuffled out, unlocked it, and wandered wordlessly into 324 00:14:52,639 --> 00:14:54,799 the bathroom, her voice low and muffled as she answered. 325 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,639 She didn't close the door, just pulled it nearly shut. 326 00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,679 So old I heard was the steady, secret murmur of 327 00:14:59,679 --> 00:15:02,360 her breath. For the rest of the day, she avoided 328 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,120 me if I spoke, she answered in fragments, Can you 329 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:09,679 get onions to check the fryer oil? Everything deflected That night, 330 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,840 as she stood at the sink, water running too hot 331 00:15:11,879 --> 00:15:13,840 over her hands. I set the apron on the counter 332 00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:19,120 beside her, whose lipstick She flinched barely, then shrugd sampled 333 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,919 new honey, the supplies wife selt beauty products on the side. 334 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,799 I tried to shade, got clumby. She didn't look at 335 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,240 me as she rinsed the plate off and set it 336 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,399 dripping on to the rack. Don't get weird about it. 337 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,840 When I lay beside her that night, her back was 338 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,879 an inch father from mine than usual, a cold line 339 00:15:33,879 --> 00:15:36,799 of space stretching between us. If I confronted her, she 340 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,799 always had some patchwork story, a friend's joke, a sales pitch, 341 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:42,679 a marketing scheme, and it was never clear enough to 342 00:15:42,679 --> 00:15:44,960 pin it down, never soft enough to feel like the 343 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,039 whole truth. Each explanation left out something where she'd really 344 00:15:48,039 --> 00:15:50,039 been who she laughed with the two A M Why 345 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,559 nor honey ever showed up? Why I was suddenly supposed 346 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,200 to believe that our life, our business, our partnership was 347 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,159 stronger for shutting me out? Still I kept trying to 348 00:15:58,159 --> 00:16:01,120 catch her in a slip our ship. World, one so 349 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,519 easy and open, had become a fog of half answers 350 00:16:03,559 --> 00:16:06,360 and closed doors, and every stray password, every late night 351 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,000 chuckle behind a locked bathroom, every lingering smell that didn't 352 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,759 fit the ordinary sparked another argument inside my chest. Thursday 353 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,480 nights deepened in their ache, accumulating new layers of suspicion. 354 00:16:15,519 --> 00:16:18,279 Each week, the city seemed to conspire with a sixty 355 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:21,440 shadows longer, the rain, more persistent, street let's dimmer, My 356 00:16:21,519 --> 00:16:23,720 own footsteps muffled, as if I was moving deeper into 357 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,480 someone else's story. I started to feel as if I 358 00:16:26,559 --> 00:16:29,200 was the one being erased. I started to feel as 359 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,960 if I was the one being erased. The worst part 360 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,840 wasn't anger, It was drifting. Most mornings, I'd moved through 361 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,879 our kitchen as if following someone else's choreography, muscle memory, 362 00:16:38,919 --> 00:16:41,600 snapping my body through every routine. Yet the center, the spark, 363 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:43,879 all that fun and easy rhythm between us was flattening 364 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:47,279 out into something more like rote choreography and partnership. It 365 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:51,399 started with the silences, then built into walls. Thursday crept 366 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,759 up the city's silver drizzle, looking every edge, and I 367 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:57,440 was operating on nothing but habit preppin' massa humming, watching 368 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,919 the clock more than I should have. At three forty, 369 00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:02,519 well before our usual clean up call, Amy was already 370 00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:05,240 shoving her street shoes back on. All the energy she 371 00:17:05,319 --> 00:17:07,720 used to pour into the counter, cracking jokes, tweaking spice 372 00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:11,480 mixes was gone, replaced by restless glances at her phone. Hey, 373 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:14,680 I can close up if you want, I tried, too soft. 374 00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:17,079 He was justice in the cap before us and hum 375 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,200 around us. City sense pouring in the registered drawer was 376 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,680 already zip shut. Her apron was wiped, folded, not hanging 377 00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:26,920 like usual. But she didn't answer, just fish something out 378 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,920 of her purse with a practiced little twists and thumbed 379 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,079 in a new text, her lips twitching while she waited 380 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:34,000 for the reply. Finally, she grinned a flash of teeth 381 00:17:34,039 --> 00:17:37,759 she tried to swallow. I found my vorse. Who's texting? 382 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:43,160 She stilled Jaye Doubly, she said flat, he's confirming meeting 383 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,599 at that I'll tape him. Sometimes they keep honey batches 384 00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:49,039 and kegs more temperature control or something. Anything you want 385 00:17:49,039 --> 00:17:51,480 me to ask, I was pushing it, but needed to 386 00:17:51,519 --> 00:17:55,039 hear something, anything real. She shook her head quickly, forcing 387 00:17:55,079 --> 00:17:58,119 a smile. No, I'll do tasting notes. You just get 388 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:01,160 home early, Alburn take out for a second. She lingered 389 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,920 there in the doorway. Neither was moving. The rain had 390 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,599 let up, her hayd still damp against her neck. She 391 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,000 seemed poised to say something. Her gaze flickered to my mouth, 392 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:11,000 then back to the phone. But whatever it was, she 393 00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:13,359 pocketed it, swung out the door, and the hatch clan shut. 394 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,759 Before I knew she was gone. I watched her out 395 00:18:15,799 --> 00:18:17,640 the window, just a shape under he a city lamp, 396 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,200 hurrying to the civic. I could see the blue scough 397 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,000 tied loose at her neck. She fiddled with her phone, 398 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:26,680 laughing stop, then called some one. I leaned closer. The 399 00:18:26,799 --> 00:18:29,480 rain twisted her voice into static, but her face, eager, open, 400 00:18:29,559 --> 00:18:31,920 was softer than I had seen it for weeks. The 401 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,640 joy on her lips was surgical, precise, and it made 402 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,480 by all rise. I stayed cleaning until every inch of 403 00:18:37,519 --> 00:18:39,519 the truck gleamed above the smell of lysol, too tense 404 00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:41,920 to sit still, too exhausted to fully admit howpasthetic I 405 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,839 had become. When I finally trudged home, the window was 406 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,400 dark and empty. I roasted in silence, reapling it all 407 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,480 the scarf the way she smiled for her phone, the 408 00:18:50,519 --> 00:18:52,759 apologetic told of her shoulders as she shut the hatch 409 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,519 at eight fifty four, right on time, as always. She 410 00:18:55,559 --> 00:18:57,839 came in, cheeks shining and hair pulled up into rough 411 00:18:57,839 --> 00:19:03,359 bonn No take out, no honey, no conversation. She kissed 412 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,400 my forehead automatically and went straight to the shower. Left 413 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,319 alone with her purse on the table, I hovered by it. 414 00:19:08,839 --> 00:19:10,960 I shouldn't have, but I did. I zipped it just 415 00:19:11,079 --> 00:19:15,000 enough to pique nothing, no evidence, not even a stray 416 00:19:15,039 --> 00:19:18,039 napkin or a bottle gilt prickled inside me. So I 417 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:20,160 zipped it up and stared at the rainy window. Was dead, 418 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,359 feeling small. Friday was supposed to be our rosette day. 419 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,240 We do early bakery pick together, then dive into a 420 00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:29,559 round of selsus and fried batch testing, low keyagging over salt. 421 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,880 That Friday, she showed up late, claiming traffic on burnt Eide. 422 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:36,440 She moved quieter than usual, methodical, enclosed off, never once 423 00:19:36,519 --> 00:19:38,880 looking at me except ask where the new cutting bows were. 424 00:19:39,519 --> 00:19:41,279 I tried to break the ice with a dumb story 425 00:19:41,279 --> 00:19:43,119 about a regular who tried to pay with the vintage 426 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,519 baseball cards, but she just nodded, already scraping onion skins 427 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,359 into the compos Her phone buzzed and she turned her 428 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:53,160 back to me, shoulders rolling forward, answering and clipped muffled murmurs. 429 00:19:53,839 --> 00:19:57,039 After our shift, something finally snapped inside me. We were 430 00:19:57,039 --> 00:19:59,319 at the apartment table with seats scattered, and I caught 431 00:19:59,319 --> 00:20:01,559 her tracing shape on the margin of a supplier Invose, 432 00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:05,200 were things weird at the suppliers last night? I tried 433 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:09,279 working how to keep my voice light? She dropped her pen. Weird? 434 00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:12,759 How I mean any reason you didn't bring back anything? 435 00:20:12,839 --> 00:20:14,720 Can I help next week? Or would it be better 436 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,480 if I called a head made it easier? She pressed 437 00:20:17,519 --> 00:20:19,720 her palm to her forehead. Why are you on this, 438 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,240 she snapped, force, slow and trembling. It's not complicated. Some 439 00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:25,200 things are better when only one of us handles them. 440 00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:28,400 Trust me. The words stung more than I care to admit. 441 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,160 We always did every part together. Just this one thing, please, 442 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,839 I've got it. The finality in her tones gave me 443 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,039 more than anything else. She pocketed the receipts and pushed 444 00:20:38,079 --> 00:20:39,720 back from the table off to rinse a mug that 445 00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:42,960 didn't need rinsing. The next Thursday, I found reasons to 446 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,799 circle the block as I waited for her. Nerves in 447 00:20:44,839 --> 00:20:47,480 my throat, I told myself, I give her the benefit 448 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,000 of the doubt, no spying, just an honest coincidence. If 449 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,200 I saw which way her car went, may be proved 450 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,559 my suspicions totally unfounded. But when she drove off, her 451 00:20:55,599 --> 00:20:57,759 window already down, she made a left to not toward 452 00:20:57,799 --> 00:20:59,920 any suppli as we'd ever use, but toward the river 453 00:21:00,079 --> 00:21:03,680 towards downtown. I walked slow and tense, the city feeling 454 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,200 wrong around me. I found myself ducking past the window 455 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,000 of a wine bar set back from the street, with 456 00:21:08,039 --> 00:21:10,559 a sign painted and goldly for the barrel room. A 457 00:21:10,599 --> 00:21:13,759 string of yellow bulbs flickered above the archway, reflected in puddles. 458 00:21:14,319 --> 00:21:18,279 I almost left, but then I saw her, amy laughing, 459 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,440 leaning close to a tall chist at head ma'am with 460 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,680 broad shoulders. I recognized him at once, the same guy 461 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,720 from the business mixer, the one watching us like he 462 00:21:25,799 --> 00:21:28,400 wanted to say something, the one whose name took greejay worth. 463 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,160 He had his hand on Amy's elbow, steering her toward 464 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:34,759 the back. She tipped her head, said something I couldn't hear, 465 00:21:34,799 --> 00:21:37,519 and laughed so brightly it felt weaponized. The way she 466 00:21:37,519 --> 00:21:39,920 looked at him wasn't business like, not the formal clip 467 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,559 patient should have with the vendor. She looked alive there 468 00:21:42,559 --> 00:21:45,799 at animated, lips, glossy. She reached out and smoothed her 469 00:21:45,839 --> 00:21:47,920 hand over his shirt, out in public, as if it 470 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,559 was the most natural thing in the world. He slung 471 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,920 his arm over the booth and leaned and whispering something 472 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,720 in her ear that made her drop her head, grinning. 473 00:21:55,319 --> 00:21:57,759 Even from outside, quinted up against the cold, I could 474 00:21:57,759 --> 00:21:59,960 see the intimacy of the bubble of closeness, the un 475 00:22:00,079 --> 00:22:03,119 herrowed comfort, a bottle of wine between them, the glasses 476 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,799 half full. At one point she reached for his roosts 477 00:22:05,799 --> 00:22:07,839 and he let his hand rest, their fingers trailing over 478 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,920 her knuckles. It was a familiarity I hadn't seen from 479 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,000 her in months. When another group came and laughing too loud, 480 00:22:14,079 --> 00:22:16,359 Amy pressed herself closer to Jonah, as if to close 481 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,799 out the rest of the world. The angle of her 482 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,079 hips was turned inward. The look she gave him was negotiations, 483 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:25,319 it was affection, It was desire. My stomach twisted so 484 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,279 violently that I nearly lost my balance. I watched for 485 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:30,400 maybe an ire rooted there in the wet night, hot 486 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,599 jack ammering slow, anine. The coal pressed through my jacket, 487 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,920 but I could barely feel it. The numbness was all internal. 488 00:22:36,519 --> 00:22:38,279 At the end, as they stood to leave, his hands 489 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:40,160 laid a round her waist, and she let herself melt 490 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,039 into him, nestling under his arm near the door. Even 491 00:22:43,079 --> 00:22:45,200 with street lights and traffic moving by in waves, I 492 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,720 could see them pause, just shy of the doorway. She 493 00:22:47,799 --> 00:22:50,319 turned up, touched his cheek, and he kissed her, long 494 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,759 and gentle hand on her jaw, not fast, not furtive, public, affectionate, 495 00:22:54,759 --> 00:22:57,960 but mistakable. Only then did I turn and stumble away, 496 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,759 skin tingling, blood loud in my ears. The sound of 497 00:23:00,799 --> 00:23:02,279 my heart was the only thing I could hear all 498 00:23:02,279 --> 00:23:05,519 the way home. I let myself into her apartment on autopilot, 499 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,559 everything looking sharper, and enter her damp jacket over the chair, 500 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,319 A single glass in the sink, the faint wheet musky 501 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:13,200 scent drifting from the bathroom as if she'd bathed them, 502 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,200 the memory of what I just witnessed. When she came home, 503 00:23:16,279 --> 00:23:18,160 humming a bit off key, the first thing she did 504 00:23:18,279 --> 00:23:20,920 was slip her shoes off and meet my gaze. There 505 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,240 was a glow to her, her hair, loser, eyes, shining, 506 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:26,559 lips kiss clean. She started to say sorry late night, 507 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,319 but I barely heard the words for the first time. 508 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,000 I didn't answer, didn't force a smile, didn't suggest we 509 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,240 order in no water show. Instead, I walked past her 510 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,039 to the bedroom, shut the door, and lay there in 511 00:23:37,039 --> 00:23:40,400 the darkness, questions roaring inside my chest. I heard water 512 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,400 running in the bathroom, the hush of her hands as 513 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,359 she moved round the kitchen, moving as if everything was 514 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,240 perfectly normal. But none of it was normal any more. 515 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,039 The secrets had weight now. Friday morning, I couldn't look 516 00:23:51,039 --> 00:23:53,799 her in the eye. We prepped in silence, every knife 517 00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:57,200 stroked between us. When customers came, I tried, at least 518 00:23:57,279 --> 00:23:59,720 jack like it was just another day. Amy slid right 519 00:23:59,759 --> 00:24:03,039 into her familiar roll, bright, funny, all quick, wooded charm. 520 00:24:03,279 --> 00:24:05,200 I wondered how long she'd been doing this, making me 521 00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:07,720 believe the world outside the truck was still ires even 522 00:24:07,759 --> 00:24:10,759 as she'd carved that whole secret ires. She was texting 523 00:24:10,799 --> 00:24:13,680 more openly now, not even glancing my way, thumb speeding 524 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,920 across the keyboard. Once, when she burst out, laughing alone 525 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,240 at nothing, I froze bachelor Madare. She caught my eye, 526 00:24:20,279 --> 00:24:22,599 tucked her phone face down and said you should have 527 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:26,359 seen this meme Marru's ascent. I didn't reply. She went 528 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:31,440 back to work. Privately. I started cataloging her absences. Every Thursday, 529 00:24:31,519 --> 00:24:33,640 new clothes and new flourished to her make up, sometimes 530 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,440 a faint shimmer I'd never seen before. Once I found 531 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,359 a receipt from a bakery near the barrow room to 532 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:41,559 coss us one black coffee ittateed a Thursday morning, not 533 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,839 our usual supplier, not in our neighborhood. When I asked 534 00:24:44,839 --> 00:24:46,880 about it, she just shruged. Dropped by for a simple 535 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,359 something for next week's brunch menu. You weren't up yet. 536 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,200 Another night, I forgot to close out our shared laptop 537 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,839 and saw browser tabs open to events bases, small wineries 538 00:24:54,839 --> 00:24:57,000 with tasting rooms near the East Bank, all in that 539 00:24:57,079 --> 00:25:00,160 same narrow corridor. She became irritable. If I asked why, 540 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:04,160 said it was for promotion, maybe summer partnerships. No details, 541 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,720 only avoidance. I even tried texting her Thursday afternoon and 542 00:25:07,759 --> 00:25:10,319 testing her story, and need me to pick anything up 543 00:25:10,319 --> 00:25:13,759 on the supplier run, she replied instantly, all handled enjoy 544 00:25:13,759 --> 00:25:17,000 a night of a brutal sarcastic Anger started to work 545 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,880 its way under my skin, Anger at her, at myself, 546 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,119 at my own inertia. How long had I convinced myself 547 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,359 that these scraps of explanations were enough? The last Thursday 548 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,680 before everything broke, she barely bothered with the story. It's 549 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,319 just a late meeting, she said, sliding her best arrands, delicate, 550 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,880 drap crystal things through her ear lobes, checking her reflection. 551 00:25:34,599 --> 00:25:37,160 She wore a shot blazer, something that drew the line 552 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,519 of her shoulders, sleek and deliberate, paired with the faint 553 00:25:39,519 --> 00:25:41,880 glimmer of the same deep red lipstick I found smeared 554 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,680 on her apron. I stood in the hallway, keys clutch tight, 555 00:25:44,839 --> 00:25:46,839 pretending to look for change in the dish by the door. 556 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,839 She brushed by, grabbing her purse. So do you want 557 00:25:50,839 --> 00:25:54,599 me to? She cut me off, All business, I said, 558 00:25:54,599 --> 00:25:57,400 I've got it, okay, please, she met my gaze for 559 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,480 a moment. Something brittle and bruced in her eyes, a 560 00:25:59,559 --> 00:26:01,720 fracture I had never seen before. And then she was gone, 561 00:26:01,759 --> 00:26:04,920 footsteps quick against the stairs. When the door shut, I 562 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,519 finally felt the anger cut through the hazeer pane. I 563 00:26:07,559 --> 00:26:09,799 had to see for myself, once and for all, if 564 00:26:09,839 --> 00:26:11,599 all this agony came from nothing, or if the truth 565 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,720 was as ugly as it felt. So I waited five minutes, 566 00:26:14,839 --> 00:26:17,119 crowd my jacket, and headed out into the sodden blue 567 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,599 darkness of July, not even caring if she saw me. 568 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,319 I kept back half a block behind, trailing the civic 569 00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:25,079 as she drove across the city. When she turned, I 570 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:28,079 kept walking, Every step went tight as piano wire, praying 571 00:26:28,079 --> 00:26:30,400 for her to prove me wrong. But she parked two 572 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,279 blocks from where I had watched her before. I hung back, 573 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,920 hot pounding as she climbed out, straightened her blazer, and 574 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,119 all but glided down the sidewalk to the glowing doorway 575 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,880 of the barrel room. There under the golden bulbs was 576 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,119 Joana waiting, impatient, nervous, then brightening with a smile that 577 00:26:44,279 --> 00:26:47,079 was far too familiar. She went straight into his arms, 578 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,319 lingering there, both of them swain so close it made 579 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:52,559 my hand shake. They went inside, not looking back. Once 580 00:26:53,319 --> 00:26:55,720 I crossed over to the opposite sidewalk, moving into the 581 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,920 cover of a closed flower shop, hot pounding, with a 582 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,599 certainty of everything I didn't want to admit. I watched 583 00:27:00,599 --> 00:27:02,559 them through the window, two silhouettes at a table in 584 00:27:02,599 --> 00:27:04,640 the corner, framed in light, and laughed at that looked 585 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,880 nothing like business. Their body as moved an easy concert, 586 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,279 hands touching, eyes meeting head, stepped together in private conversation. 587 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,880 They drank wine. They ordered free to something with tiny, 588 00:27:15,039 --> 00:27:17,319 artful garnishes, and they watched as Jonah lifted a gloss 589 00:27:17,319 --> 00:27:18,839 to her lips, and she let him tip it up 590 00:27:18,839 --> 00:27:22,160 for her, crinning, careless, alive but odd and I were 591 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,880 in I saw her hands lie behind his neck. He 592 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,200 leaned forward, kissed her slow and sure. She kissed him 593 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:32,559 back as fluttering clothes lifts parted. Her body language was gentle, open, 594 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,359 exactly what I hadn't felt from her in months. The 595 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,039 sight hollowed me out, leaving nothing but cold rop it. 596 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:42,279 There was no business angle, no honey tasting, no supply ideal, 597 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,759 only her caught in some one else's orbit. When they 598 00:27:45,759 --> 00:27:47,920 finally stood, bundled up in the drizzle, he draped his 599 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,000 jacket over her shoulders, bent to kiss her again. She 600 00:27:51,079 --> 00:27:53,839 turned to say something, laughed, and then they walked away, 601 00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:56,400 two heads a bout together under the blow of city lights. 602 00:27:56,799 --> 00:27:59,359 I let them go, crossing the street slowly, my shoes 603 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,680 soaking through. Every certainty I'd ever had slipped away, replaced 604 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,400 by the ugly final clarity of what I'd seen. There 605 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,359 was no explanation that could fit this, no joke, no 606 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:10,960 marking plan, nothing left to savage. That was the moment 607 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,680 I knew bone deep that anything I'd thought we shared 608 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,440 our partnership are trust. Even the smallest joke was a lie, 609 00:28:16,559 --> 00:28:19,240 hollowed up by her secrets, by the sharp, musky sweetness 610 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,079 that was mine. I let myself into the apartment quietly, 611 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,079 The achemachest dragged behind me like something heavy and soaking wet. 612 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,880 The kitchen was dark except for the humming blue nightlight 613 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,440 above the range, barely enough to outline the unwashed marks 614 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,599 on the empty spot where Amy's apron had draped only 615 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,400 eys before. My hand shook so badly it took me 616 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,920 through tries to work off my jacket I pressed my 617 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,079 knuckles hard to my eyebrown and stood in the silent kitchen, 618 00:28:40,119 --> 00:28:42,680 barely breathing, just lessening, waiting for her key in the lock, 619 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,839 a sound I dreaded now, almost as much as I 620 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:49,119 was desperate for ansis. But the world didn't give me that. Instead, 621 00:28:49,119 --> 00:28:51,319 it gave me the clock taking to midnight, the steady rain, 622 00:28:51,359 --> 00:28:54,680 needing the fire escape. Time stretched thin and bertle as 623 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,759 I paced the length of our crump living room back 624 00:28:56,799 --> 00:28:59,000 and forth, stopping only to jab at the framed best 625 00:28:59,039 --> 00:29:02,079 of Portland's certificate in the wall. My own face smiled 626 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,920 up from inside the glass, bright and oblivious beside hers. 627 00:29:05,599 --> 00:29:07,720 I eventually landed on the battered arm of the couch, 628 00:29:08,119 --> 00:29:11,000 half crushed by a pile of discarded cookbooks. It was 629 00:29:11,039 --> 00:29:13,119 ires before I heard her the door, first to hushed 630 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:15,279 voices in the hall, too muffled to identify, then the 631 00:29:15,279 --> 00:29:17,119 scrape of her shoes on the mat, a muted creak. 632 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,839 As she came in. She paused, and the entry keys 633 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:22,039 dropped one at a time, then muttered, shitted as her 634 00:29:22,039 --> 00:29:24,720 purse tumbled open. She tried to tiptoe, but there was 635 00:29:24,759 --> 00:29:27,480 no way to move quietly in our place. I sat 636 00:29:27,519 --> 00:29:29,759 as still as the furniture, fighting a wave of nausea. 637 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,000 She smelled of wine and that bright alien perfume, the 638 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,079 one eyed trace so many times on her collar, now 639 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,440 unmistakably foreign. Her silhouett drifted quickly to the bathroom door, 640 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,880 left slightly a jaw, water running, the faint rhythm of 641 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:42,799 her washing her face as had to raise the evening. 642 00:29:43,359 --> 00:29:46,640 I weeded. When she emerged, I was still on the couch, 643 00:29:46,799 --> 00:29:49,160 my arms folded tight, every muscle brace for the moment 644 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:52,319 she'd finally noticed what I knew. She patted across the rug, 645 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,759 startled when she saw me upright, maybe surprised that I 646 00:29:54,799 --> 00:29:57,079 wasn't already asleep, or just that I saw her at all. 647 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,039 Oh you're up late, she said, forcing cheer. I thought 648 00:30:01,079 --> 00:30:04,079 you'd be asleeper, now I know, I said, my voice 649 00:30:04,119 --> 00:30:07,440 barely more than a croak. She froze midstep, eyes narrowing, 650 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,480 lips parted in some silent shock. Though she must have 651 00:30:10,559 --> 00:30:12,400 known what I meant, but she played her role a 652 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,720 second longer, ducking here behind her ear gaze skating sideways. 653 00:30:16,119 --> 00:30:19,319 No what the trimmer in her question was small practice. 654 00:30:19,839 --> 00:30:22,799 I leaned forward, hand shaking, I saw you Amy the 655 00:30:22,839 --> 00:30:25,799 wine bar with joanah Worth. I'd never said his name 656 00:30:25,799 --> 00:30:29,079 allowed to her before. It echoed ugly and unreal in 657 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:32,799 the little room. She didn't respond at first, or maybe 658 00:30:32,799 --> 00:30:35,079 she did. Her entire body let go, crumpling into the 659 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,000 arm chair opposite like she'd been punched. She dug the 660 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,440 heels of her hands into her eyes and breathed out once. 661 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,440 I washed her shoulders quick beneath a thin swater. Finally 662 00:30:44,519 --> 00:30:47,240 she looked up, her voice trembling. It wasn't supposed to 663 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,880 happen like this. I couldn't laugh, couldn't cry. How was 664 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,000 it supposed to happen? Then? Was I supposed to just 665 00:30:53,079 --> 00:30:56,039 keep pretending? A kind of keening sound broke from her chest, 666 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:58,039 and she pressed her fists to her heart, like she 667 00:30:58,119 --> 00:31:00,759 was keeping it from falling out. I never wanted to 668 00:31:00,799 --> 00:31:02,880 hurt you, I swear it just God. I kept telling 669 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,960 myself it would end that it was just it was stupid, 670 00:31:05,039 --> 00:31:08,680 something small. Then it wasn't. I snapped larder than I expected. 671 00:31:08,799 --> 00:31:11,119 YE made me look like an idiot. The lies, the stories. 672 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,519 Every Thursday, hell long. She went chewing her thumb nail raw. 673 00:31:15,319 --> 00:31:17,839 Months since the winter event, I thought it would wear off, 674 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,000 but every time it felt new. I didn't mean to 675 00:31:20,039 --> 00:31:22,240 push you out. I just I needed to feel wanted again. 676 00:31:22,359 --> 00:31:25,119 I guess like I mattered to someone. The words stung 677 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,720 as much as the facts. So this is my fault, 678 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,720 because you needed something I didn't give. Tears pulled in 679 00:31:30,799 --> 00:31:32,880 her eyes, and this time her voice was so small 680 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:36,119 I almost missed it. No, No, you were always here, 681 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,799 always steady. I don't know what's wrong with me. She 682 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,960 saw pans crumpling in her lap. Her entire posture collapsed. 683 00:31:42,559 --> 00:31:44,480 I stowed, unable to sit in the same place as 684 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,599 her confessions. My throat burned with rage and heartbreak. In 685 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,119 a hollow, desperate want to rewind everything you could have 686 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,119 told me, I said, but the words fell flat. I 687 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,440 thought this was ire as the truck, this life, was 688 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,119 any of it real? She shook her head fast, as 689 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:02,279 if that could scatter the mess between us, everything untild. 690 00:32:02,319 --> 00:32:05,000 I didn't want this. I just couldn't stop. Please, I'm sorry, 691 00:32:05,039 --> 00:32:08,319 I'm so so sorry. The air in the apartment into nothing, 692 00:32:08,359 --> 00:32:10,440 the walls closing in around her, heaving breaths, and my 693 00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:13,839 stunned silence. I stared at her, hardly able to recognize 694 00:32:13,839 --> 00:32:16,200 the person I thought I loved, Unable to find even 695 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,640 the scraps of what we used to be. I wanted 696 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:21,279 to screen, I wanted to break something, to demand some 697 00:32:21,359 --> 00:32:22,920 kind of sense from her, to make her feel the 698 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,319 weight of witch she'd taken. But I only managed I 699 00:32:25,359 --> 00:32:28,839 can't do this. My voice drys paper. She sobbed harder, 700 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,640 culling forward as if she could hide in her own arms. 701 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,720 I watched every muscle shaking until it was clear there 702 00:32:34,759 --> 00:32:37,039 was nothing left to wrench free from the ruins between us. 703 00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,119 We set that way for a long time. I stared 704 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,039 at the wall, her outline blurry at the edges. Every 705 00:32:43,039 --> 00:32:45,319 sound outside, the drip of rain, a far of car horn, 706 00:32:45,359 --> 00:32:48,400 felt louder than the silence swallowing our living room. After 707 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,880 a while, she choked out one last tried explanation, But 708 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,119 I was already up, moving around the apartment with a 709 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,880 slow mechanical purpose of some one dismantling their own life. 710 00:32:56,359 --> 00:32:58,440 I pulled my overnight back from under the bed, packed 711 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:02,279 clothes without care. My hands moved almost by themselves, grabbing 712 00:33:02,279 --> 00:33:05,680 socks and shirts, my toothbrush, a few chargers, the battered 713 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:08,440 Denham jacket that still smelled like salsa's and frier oil. 714 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,079 I forced myself to breathe through the rush of images. 715 00:33:11,119 --> 00:33:13,400 Heard the truck window, laughing, her beside me at the 716 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,400 cook top, fingers grazing mine, verse by s jar. She 717 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,279 stayed in the living room, silent, crying softly into her hands. 718 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,400 She didn't follow. I zipped the bag and slung it 719 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,720 over my shoulder. The apartment felt airless, everything tinged with 720 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,119 the sweetness I had grown to hate. I left my 721 00:33:28,119 --> 00:33:29,960 set of keys in the edge of the kitchen counter, 722 00:33:30,359 --> 00:33:32,200 next to the open food truck cound to our shared 723 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:35,599 whirl left behind in this columns and digital reminders. My 724 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,880 phone buzzed and I thummed out a brief, flat message 725 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,160 to r J, the only friend we shared, barely reading 726 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,319 my own words, not coming to the truck to morrow, 727 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,519 Tell Amy to handle prep. R J would not ask questions, 728 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,160 not yet. I stepped into my shoes by the door, 729 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,920 hans trembling as I tied the laces. I looked back 730 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,200 once toward the living room. Maimie slumped in the arm chair, 731 00:33:53,279 --> 00:33:56,200 knees up, gaze on nothing. The distance between us was 732 00:33:56,279 --> 00:33:59,240 wide and final. I stepped into the hole quietly, shutting 733 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,359 the door behind me with salt hollow click. The corridor 734 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,680 was dimmed, the carpet rough under my feet, lie timing, 735 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,440 I walked slow, not looking back. I took the stairs 736 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,320 down to the sidewalk, brain tapping my shoulders, the bag heavy. 737 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:13,599 I stood there, half lit by the nion of a 738 00:34:13,599 --> 00:34:16,480 twenty four hour laundromat, breathing fog into the night, feeling 739 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,679 the press of everything lost, bearing down through the soles 740 00:34:18,679 --> 00:34:21,440 of mus shoes. I looked once at the fruit truck 741 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,840 park down the street. It's bright, pained, dult by dawn mist. 742 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:26,320 I stickered not logo, shadowed on the rain dun kerm. 743 00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:29,519 The windows were dark, the city soft round the edges, 744 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,000 and for the first time it felt entirely herrors had 745 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,559 closed up relic as something I'd once believed was unbreakable. 746 00:34:35,039 --> 00:34:37,039 The well felt shaky and too sharp, but I knew 747 00:34:37,079 --> 00:34:39,760 exactly what was real and what wasn't. I found an 748 00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,000 empty spot by the cob, set my back down, and 749 00:34:42,079 --> 00:34:44,599 let my breath catch in the chill. The city moved 750 00:34:44,599 --> 00:34:47,800 on around me, indifferent and shining. I watched the sky 751 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,159 lighten new daging over the silent truck, and for a 752 00:34:50,199 --> 00:34:52,440 long moment, I just stood there, knowing that the one 753 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:55,440 thing I counted on was only ever partly true. Eventually, 754 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,199 the early city traffic started rumbling past the corner, headlights 755 00:34:58,199 --> 00:35:00,679 cutting trails through the mist. Life were ready surging back 756 00:35:00,679 --> 00:35:03,360 into motion, as if nothing at all had shifted. I 757 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,960 stood numb, my hands red and tingling from the cold, 758 00:35:06,199 --> 00:35:08,960 watching every figure who passed with a kind of distance, exhausted. 759 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,360 Wonder how easily every one else moved forward half freely 760 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:14,880 day into Baker's check, their phones, un locked, bikes, everyone 761 00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:18,159 but me. I couldn't make sense of the stillness I'd 762 00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:21,000 left behind, the apartment, the track, the shared rituals that 763 00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:24,519 scaffolded every day under the fractured belly of dawn. Nothing 764 00:35:24,559 --> 00:35:26,159 tether of me except the weight in my throat and 765 00:35:26,159 --> 00:35:29,039 the hot dull ache along my temples. I tried to 766 00:35:29,039 --> 00:35:31,760 calculate what happened now in the world. Would Amy shut 767 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:33,599 down the truck for the day, or pretend push on 768 00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:35,800 past it, scrobe my name off the payrolls, and let 769 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,599 the city crowd by the window without knowing what had 770 00:35:37,639 --> 00:35:40,360 shotted behind the counter. Would she told Joan I had 771 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,400 found out? Did she even need to? Or had she 772 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,360 already planned for this part, the extracting, the sudden subtraction 773 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:48,199 of our life. I pressed my palm into my eyes, 774 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:50,480 dragging it down my face, Feeling more tight that I 775 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:53,559 could remember ever being. Nothing, felt ready to move forward, 776 00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:56,360 yet standing here was impossible, and going anywhere else made 777 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,239 even less sense. The truck was silent, a shell. My 778 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,639 pockets as I checked them out of habit held nothing 779 00:36:01,639 --> 00:36:03,760 but my phone and a crumpled receiptd hind stamp from 780 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:06,079 two days ago at Corner Cafe, when everything had still 781 00:36:06,079 --> 00:36:09,079 felt salvageable. I flicked my phone out, checked the home 782 00:36:09,119 --> 00:36:11,800 screen for any new messages. Nothing from Amy, nothing from 783 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,920 mar J. Just a single and read email from the 784 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,400 supplier asking about invising on Honey that never existed. That 785 00:36:17,519 --> 00:36:19,760 thought made me shudder with something almost close to laughter. 786 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:24,000 Clip him raw, Honey, all that theater, all those stories, 787 00:36:24,039 --> 00:36:26,880 and for what I'd believed them, because I had wanted to, 788 00:36:27,159 --> 00:36:29,760 needed to, because lighting suspicion in meant risking the loss 789 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,400 that now sat so clearly in my hands. Through the 790 00:36:32,519 --> 00:36:35,079 rising light, I could see the truck's window stickers peeling 791 00:36:35,119 --> 00:36:37,159 at the corners, the faint hand prints where we both 792 00:36:37,199 --> 00:36:40,239 pressed for warmthong cold nights. A single to go cup 793 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,079 stood abandoned in the ledge of regulars, maybe or Amy's 794 00:36:43,159 --> 00:36:46,639 yesterday afternoon room, stained faintly with lipstick the wrong shade. 795 00:36:47,119 --> 00:36:48,920 I let my gaze graze over all of it, every 796 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:51,159 small detail that yesterday would have meant belonging, but now 797 00:36:51,239 --> 00:36:54,360 only ached the pointlessness of holding on. Time moved strange, 798 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,039 and the streets stuttering past, then slowing. While I stood there, 799 00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:00,000 my shoulders ached under the back, so I shifted hissis 800 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:03,199 looking up into the gray blue above. Someone out walking 801 00:37:03,199 --> 00:37:05,320 a dog pulls to nod, offered a brief smile. I 802 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,480 tried to nod back, but I think it came out twisted, unpracticed. 803 00:37:09,079 --> 00:37:11,760 The dog sniffed my shoes, then wandered away, tail swinging, 804 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:14,519 and its owner never looked back. For too long, I 805 00:37:14,559 --> 00:37:17,840 have heard body lost between instinct and intention. I ran 806 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:19,960 through use the sugistics were to go, who to call? 807 00:37:20,119 --> 00:37:22,840 Whether I even wanted to eat? Every moment in my 808 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:25,039 mind shadowed by what waited up in that apartment. The 809 00:37:25,079 --> 00:37:27,760 calender still opened to our shared plans, the old photos 810 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:30,079 in the fridge, Amy's figure hunch small in that battered 811 00:37:30,159 --> 00:37:33,840 arm chair. Was she still crying? Was she already texting him? 812 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:36,079 Did she want me to come back? Or was it 813 00:37:36,119 --> 00:37:38,159 relief that I had finally made the hard part easy. 814 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,679 I wondered if she would try to call me, maybe 815 00:37:40,679 --> 00:37:43,480 sent some last message of comfort or explanation. But my 816 00:37:43,519 --> 00:37:46,719 phone stayed silent. The world wanted nothing from me. Now, 817 00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:50,800 accept to move. An ambulance wailed somewhre close. A bus 818 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:53,320 dragged it breaks two blocks down, letting off a herd 819 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:56,719 of commuters in khaki and headphones. Sunlight, knife for rent 820 00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,360 in the clouds, hit in the crumb of a passing 821 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,039 costs so hard it made my eyes water. The food 822 00:38:01,039 --> 00:38:03,440 truck two car lents away caught the light for a second, 823 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,320 gold and dull, then only itself again, just a battered 824 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,719 empty box. I pulled my cup closer, shivering a little 825 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:13,280 now as the adentleman sank into something colder, empty. Every 826 00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:15,400 cell in my body wanted to go back, to have 827 00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,760 one last argument, to demand a different story, to raise 828 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,280 everything that had just happened in force Amy back into honesty, 829 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:22,920 bushea well, But there was nothing left to fight for. 830 00:38:23,679 --> 00:38:25,840 She'd made her choice. I'd forced the truth into light. 831 00:38:26,559 --> 00:38:28,440 No mada. How I replayed in my mind what I 832 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,360 could have done, what I should have pushed for, when 833 00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:32,639 I should have asked, opressed, or trusted less or trusted more. 834 00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:36,199 None of it changed the final undeniable reality. I shifted 835 00:38:36,199 --> 00:38:38,199 my grip on the back, pulling up the strap where 836 00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:40,599 it bit intim My palm movement was all that was 837 00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:43,800 left for a long, stretched, hoppy I looked down at 838 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,239 my shoe's damp, streaked with city crime, one lace frayed, 839 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,559 nearly threw, and then back up the block toward the avenue, 840 00:38:48,639 --> 00:38:50,480 where the noise of the city thickened into something that 841 00:38:50,559 --> 00:38:53,960 sounded enough like normal life to be bearable. Amy somewhere 842 00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:56,800 overhead was waking in a new future without me. Our 843 00:38:56,880 --> 00:39:00,239 j reply finally buzzed in just three words, she okay, man, 844 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:03,679 and nothing else. I let the screen go dark without answering. 845 00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:06,599 I wanted to look back, but forced myself not to 846 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:10,320 forward across the drainage puddles into the quiet rob of traffic, 847 00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,280 away from the old world shape I shared labor and 848 00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:15,199 the fiction of trust. The morning press wet against my 849 00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:17,360 cheeks as I walked, first yel then tore, each step, 850 00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:21,360 separating me finally, from everything we'd called iOS, the city 851 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,039 stretched open in front of me, new and hollow, cold 852 00:39:24,039 --> 00:39:26,199 and bray, and I blended into it, just another face 853 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:30,480 letting go, and that is the end. Thank you for listening, 854 00:39:30,559 --> 00:39:39,960 and I will see you in the next one.