WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:10.039 on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty. You have 4 00:00:10.119 --> 00:00:12.599 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 5 00:00:12.599 --> 00:00:14.839 Walls Show, and this is the time of the show 6 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:18.000 where I go to my social media and answer your 7 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:22.559 very personal and private dms. If you send me a DM, 8 00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:25.879 please know that you will not be identified. We're not 9 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:28.120 going to say your name or the name of your account. 10 00:00:28.440 --> 00:00:32.159 Producer Kayla is very respectful of everybody because I know 11 00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:34.920 this is tender stuff. So if you'd like to send 12 00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:38.079 me a DM with a relationship question, you certainly may. 13 00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:43.079 The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Waalsh, 14 00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:48.359 So Producer Kayla, you're looking at Instagram tonight, right, yes, ma'am? Okay, cool, cool, cool, 15 00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:53.920 all right, dear doctor Wendy. I away was diagnosed with 16 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:58.799 herbie simplix to when do I tell people and what 17 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:03.799 are peoples reacts? Typically, Well, there isn't a typical reaction, 18 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:07.159 first of all, but secondly, it depends what you're looking 19 00:01:07.239 --> 00:01:11.120 for in a relationship. If you're looking for a short term, 20 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:13.480 fun sexual relationship, then you're going to need to tell 21 00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:15.319 them at the get go, right, because that's a whole 22 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:18.920 point of this relationship. If you're hoping to build something 23 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:23.799 long term. I want to assure you that everybody's got something. 24 00:01:24.359 --> 00:01:29.280 Everybody's got something going on with their health. Honestly, one time, 25 00:01:29.599 --> 00:01:32.280 I'm not joking when I tell you this, it's got 26 00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:36.319 to be going back a long time ago. I was 27 00:01:36.519 --> 00:01:39.480 with somebody who said I want to tell you something 28 00:01:39.480 --> 00:01:42.799 about my but I'm not ready to tell you yet. 29 00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:47.480 And I'm like, okay, fine, whatever. So we hadn't started 30 00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:51.200 a physical relationship. It was going on, weeks were going by, 31 00:01:51.439 --> 00:01:53.840 and he was like breaking into a sweat when he'd 32 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:56.640 finally tell me. And then one time he literally said 33 00:01:57.799 --> 00:02:01.799 I lost a toenail. I'm like what, He's like, yeah, 34 00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:06.959 I never grew back, Like this is your big health issue. Well, 35 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:08.280 I just didn't want you to see it. If we 36 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:13.960 got naked, I'm like, for real, Oh my goodness. So 37 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:17.319 I would say, wait until you build some emotional intimacy. 38 00:02:18.039 --> 00:02:22.400 Don't expect any reaction to be typical. But like everything else, 39 00:02:22.439 --> 00:02:26.159 when you're first assessing a partner. You can find out 40 00:02:26.199 --> 00:02:30.439 if somebody is compassionate and understanding and smart enough to 41 00:02:30.599 --> 00:02:33.360 understand how they won't get infected if you take the 42 00:02:33.400 --> 00:02:42.240 right precautions, et cetera. But take your time build trust first. Okay, uh, 43 00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:46.280 Dear doctor Wendy, my girlfriend has friends who loved party 44 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.439 and hook up with guys. I trust her, but not 45 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:51.800 her friends. How do I tell her this? Because you 46 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:58.080 know birds of a feather, you know, Yeah, so social 47 00:02:58.159 --> 00:03:03.240 behaviors are highly content ages around social groups. I can 48 00:03:03.319 --> 00:03:07.439 see why you might have a concern. Now, the problem 49 00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:13.680 is that if you start to put down her friends, 50 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:18.120 that's not gonna look good on you either. Right. So 51 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:21.840 I'm also wondering when you say I trust her but 52 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:25.120 not her friends, is she running around partying with her 53 00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:30.039 single girlfriends? Because why she has a relationship, she has 54 00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:32.000 a boyfriend. Why does she need to go out there 55 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:33.879 looking for more? Okay, but that's not what you say 56 00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:36.759 to her. Okay. I think what you want to say 57 00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:42.680 to her is something about your commitment and your trusting 58 00:03:42.759 --> 00:03:45.840 of her. Not I don't want you going out with 59 00:03:45.879 --> 00:03:48.879 those girls. I don't think that's safe for us. How 60 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:54.560 about I want you to know that I am in 61 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:58.520 this relationship with you because I love you, care about you. 62 00:03:59.159 --> 00:04:05.080 I am I committed to being monogamous. I hope not. 63 00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:08.120 I hope I trust that you will be too. And 64 00:04:09.800 --> 00:04:11.639 I know that some of your friends are at a 65 00:04:11.680 --> 00:04:14.680 different stage and in a different lifestyle. But I want 66 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:16.800 to know that you and I are on the same page. 67 00:04:17.560 --> 00:04:24.680 So not confrontational, not defensive. You're just gonna express your 68 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:28.839 own you know the fact that you're monogamous, and you're 69 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:32.720 gonna trust that she's going to be that way, right, Okay, 70 00:04:32.720 --> 00:04:36.680 Dear doctor Wendy, I'm a man. Good. We text every day. Good, 71 00:04:37.120 --> 00:04:40.079 He checks in in the morning, at night in person. 72 00:04:40.120 --> 00:04:43.639 Though the connection seems dry. Should this be a deal 73 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:47.279 breaker or does the connection take time to build? Well, 74 00:04:48.040 --> 00:04:49.959 let me say why is it dry? Let me ask 75 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:53.000 why is it dry? What are you not doing? Are 76 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:56.519 you opening up emotionally? Are you trying to make it 77 00:04:56.600 --> 00:05:00.160 a safe space for him to open up emotionally? Are 78 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:03.720 you expecting him to lead in this area? I think 79 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:09.680 you need to. You need to express your own vulnerability first, 80 00:05:10.360 --> 00:05:13.560 and if he's not able to get there, if you're 81 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:17.839 feeling a loss, then you've got to say it. You've 82 00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:21.120 got to say. You know, I'm really attracted to you. 83 00:05:21.120 --> 00:05:24.759 It's wonderful when we get together, but I'm not feeling 84 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:28.720 an emotional connection from your end. And I'm wondering what 85 00:05:28.759 --> 00:05:31.399 that's about. A text in the morning at night anybody 86 00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:33.279 can do. I mean, playboys do that just to keep 87 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:34.959 a bunch of girls online. So it doesn't think that 88 00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:37.560 the texts mean nothing, But it's about what's going on 89 00:05:37.639 --> 00:05:41.319 in the real world that you should be thinking about. Hey, rowld, 90 00:05:41.360 --> 00:05:43.519 do we have time for one more? All right? I 91 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:47.079 haven't been paying attention to the clock. Okay, oh okay, 92 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:49.920 let me tell you this question. Hey, doctor Wendy. I 93 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:52.199 was friends with this woman for seven years and we're 94 00:05:52.199 --> 00:05:56.120 pretty close. She's in a terrible relationship, so they're just friends. 95 00:05:56.120 --> 00:05:59.319 So it sounds platonic. She's in a terrible relationship, and 96 00:05:59.480 --> 00:06:03.000 I can't listen to her whine about his disrespect anymore. 97 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:07.800 I don't think I can be her friend anymore. Am 98 00:06:07.839 --> 00:06:11.040 I selfish for protecting my Oh this is from a 99 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:13.480 woman about a female friend. Got it? Got a two win? 100 00:06:14.040 --> 00:06:17.439 Am I selfish for protecting my mental space and turning 101 00:06:17.439 --> 00:06:19.800 my back on her? I want you guys to think 102 00:06:19.839 --> 00:06:22.680 about it. Think about what Doctor Wendy would say, because 103 00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.680 when we come back, I've got a very clear answer 104 00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:28.319 for this person. You are listening to the Dr Wendy 105 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:31.160 Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 106 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:32.439 on the iHeartRadio app. 107 00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:37.800 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 108 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:38.920 AM six forty. 109 00:06:40.199 --> 00:06:43.120 So KFI AM six forty you have Dr Wendy Walsh 110 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:45.040 with you. This is the Dr Wendy Walsh Show. I 111 00:06:45.079 --> 00:06:48.839 am answering your questions. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm 112 00:06:48.839 --> 00:06:52.079 a psychology professor, but I'm a woman, and I'm obsessed 113 00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:54.000 with the science of love. And I've written three books 114 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:58.000 on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and well, 115 00:06:58.079 --> 00:07:00.959 I got a wealth of information in my head and opinions. 116 00:07:01.360 --> 00:07:03.240 So this woman writes to me. She says she's been 117 00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:05.759 friends with this other woman for seven years. That're really close, 118 00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:09.040 but this other woman's in a terrible romantic relationship and 119 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:13.319 continues to whine about how disrespectful her guy is. She says, 120 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:15.439 I don't think I can be her friend anymore. Am 121 00:07:15.639 --> 00:07:19.480 I being selfish for protecting my mental peace and turning 122 00:07:19.480 --> 00:07:22.720 my back on her. Now, let us please break this down. 123 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:29.480 First of all, self preservation is different from selfish. Selfish 124 00:07:29.639 --> 00:07:33.399 is deliberately hurting somebody to make them have pain because 125 00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:35.360 you want to eject your own pain out of your 126 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:39.639 own body. Self preservation is saying this is not a 127 00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:41.959 healthy space for me to be in and it's not 128 00:07:42.040 --> 00:07:45.240 good for me. The other thing is you're calling it 129 00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:48.720 turning your back on her. I don't want you to 130 00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:51.879 think of it as turning your back on her. Now, 131 00:07:52.439 --> 00:07:54.800 if he's being violent with her, I will tell you that. 132 00:07:54.879 --> 00:07:59.079 The advice from the National Domestic Violence Hotline is to 133 00:07:59.240 --> 00:08:01.959 not abet and in the person, but to basically put 134 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:04.279 boundaries on them, which is, I'm here when you need me. 135 00:08:04.399 --> 00:08:07.519 I don't support this relationship. So if you do like 136 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:10.199 the friendship and there are other things you're getting out 137 00:08:10.199 --> 00:08:13.920 of it, I would start by simply saying, it's been 138 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:17.480 seven years I've heard you complaining about this guy. I 139 00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:20.839 can't listen to it anymore. I don't support this, and 140 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:23.319 so let's have a truce that when we meet, we 141 00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:26.959 talk about everything else, and when you're ready to leave him, 142 00:08:27.399 --> 00:08:30.720 tell me if you think the friendship is worth it 143 00:08:30.920 --> 00:08:33.600 and worth saving. You can do that, but you can 144 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:38.159 also tell her very clearly I can't if you definitely 145 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:40.559 want to walk away to say it's just too hard 146 00:08:40.639 --> 00:08:42.480 for me to be friends with you. I'm so sorry. 147 00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:45.399 Watching you suffer and you doing nothing about it is 148 00:08:45.399 --> 00:08:47.960 too hard on me, because that alone might be her 149 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.399 wake up call, right. I call it giving somebody the 150 00:08:51.440 --> 00:08:54.200 gift of pain. Every once in a while, somebody needs 151 00:08:54.200 --> 00:08:57.919 a wake up call if nobody's telling her, Like you know, 152 00:08:57.960 --> 00:08:59.440 everyone's just putting up with there, and you don't have 153 00:08:59.480 --> 00:09:02.759 to put up a which drama dumping you don't. You 154 00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:06.519 can preserve yourself and move along. Move along, all right, 155 00:09:06.519 --> 00:09:09.480 dear doctor Wendy. I'm single and I met a man 156 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:13.919 in an open relationship. Ooh. He was with his woman 157 00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:18.120 when I met him, and he was meaning like in public, 158 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:19.919 like you met the two of them together, and he 159 00:09:19.960 --> 00:09:21.720 wants us to have a little fun, if you know 160 00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:24.960 what I mean, just him and I not her. But 161 00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:28.080 she's open to him having sex with other women. I 162 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:30.759 am attracted to him. Should I do it? Should I 163 00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:34.120 be worried about anything? Yes, you should be worried about 164 00:09:34.120 --> 00:09:36.759 a lot of things. Let's start with did you really 165 00:09:36.799 --> 00:09:38.720 meet her in the real world and do you actually 166 00:09:38.759 --> 00:09:41.799 have her permission? Because remember that episode of Mating Matters 167 00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:45.279 on Pollyamory or Polly Wantacracker where this woman said, oh, 168 00:09:45.320 --> 00:09:48.200 I've met this guy and he's polyamorous and he's married, 169 00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:49.879 but he says his wife says it's okay, and he 170 00:09:49.919 --> 00:09:51.960 showed me a picture of his family. I'm like, what, 171 00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:55.960 this is not permission, This is permission to cheat. Potentially, 172 00:09:56.320 --> 00:09:58.759 we don't know. So you need to get real facts 173 00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:01.679 right that she's really open to it. Now, the next 174 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:04.080 thing you're saying is should I do it? I don't 175 00:10:04.120 --> 00:10:06.639 know whether you should do it. I don't know what 176 00:10:06.799 --> 00:10:11.039 your particular rules are around sexuality. I also don't know 177 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:14.360 if you're a woman who tends to fall in love 178 00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:18.639 after sex, because this could get very messy, right, you 179 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:22.159 have to be prepared for that. If now, let's go 180 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:25.919 with the ifs. If you've got consent from the wife 181 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:28.480 that you're quite or girlfriend or whatever that you're quite 182 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:31.919 clear on, if you're attracted to them, if you're ready 183 00:10:31.960 --> 00:10:35.600 to use every kind of precaution, if you know that 184 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:38.799 if you start to catch feelings, you're gonna walk away 185 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:42.639 and you can do all that, then go for it, 186 00:10:43.279 --> 00:10:47.320 enjoy yourself. If everything's okay, Who am I to judge? Right? 187 00:10:48.840 --> 00:10:53.240 All right? Uh? Dear on the other hand, dear doctor Wendy, 188 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:57.360 what's the best way to end a friends with benefit situation? 189 00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:05.039 I realize that I deserve more? Well that saw you say? 190 00:11:05.879 --> 00:11:11.480 You literally say I deserve more. This relationship doesn't work 191 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:15.279 for me. And then you keep your pretty little manicure 192 00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:17.080 off your iPhone and not respond to any of his 193 00:11:17.159 --> 00:11:19.639 text because he's going to test you to see if 194 00:11:19.639 --> 00:11:23.440 you really mean it right, and move on. If it 195 00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:27.000 doesn't work for you, move on. Uh. Dear doctor Wendy, 196 00:11:27.360 --> 00:11:31.639 Why when I start using men using men as they 197 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.080 use us as women? Why does that make me feel 198 00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:40.639 empty inside? I'm taking control, but I feel more lost. 199 00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:47.200 This is a great question. I lived this. I used 200 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:52.600 to think that female sexual behavior was behaving like a man. 201 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:54.519 And by the way, all not all men use women. 202 00:11:54.600 --> 00:11:56.799 Not all meniproscus just want to say, there's a wide 203 00:11:56.879 --> 00:11:59.480 range of male sexual behavior out there too. But the 204 00:11:59.519 --> 00:12:02.120 playboy I had met, so I thought, well, what's good 205 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:03.759 for the goose is good for the gander. I'm going 206 00:12:03.799 --> 00:12:06.960 to get out there and I'm going to be free 207 00:12:07.080 --> 00:12:12.360 and I'll have female sexual freedom. And instead I felt empty, 208 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:15.879 and I felt feelings of loss, and I would have 209 00:12:15.919 --> 00:12:18.519 sex with people and I didn't even really like them, 210 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:21.279 but I'd still wish they'd call me back. Let me 211 00:12:21.320 --> 00:12:27.559 tell you, female sexual freedom is respecting female biology, your 212 00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:33.320 particular female biology, which says, which shows that women often 213 00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:36.840 bond and fall in love through their bodies through a 214 00:12:36.960 --> 00:12:41.639 huge amount of the neurro cocktail, the cocktail of neural hormones, 215 00:12:41.679 --> 00:12:47.440 including oxypocin, that make women fall in love and get attached. Right, 216 00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:52.120 it often doesn't feel good to women, And it's okay 217 00:12:53.080 --> 00:12:59.519 to say that female sexual freedom is making the choice 218 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:03.440 to wait if that's what you want to do until 219 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:10.440 you have something that's more real and secure. It means 220 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:14.399 access to birth control, it means access to reproductive medicine. 221 00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:19.159 It means being able to say no. That is female 222 00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:23.559 sexual power, not this idea of behaving like a man. 223 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:29.919 You know, adopting a male model of anything is not 224 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:35.799 female freedom. It's not female freedom. And yes, there are 225 00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:37.879 some women out there who can hook up and not 226 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:42.200 get attached, and you know, bless your hearts, ladies have fun. 227 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:47.080 But most women can't. And I'll be very clear. They 228 00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:49.240 act all cool with their girlfriends and say, oh, yeah, 229 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:52.240 I hooked up whatever. But what you don't see is 230 00:13:52.279 --> 00:13:55.360 how many are sobbing in a therapist's office the next day. 231 00:13:56.000 --> 00:14:00.759 He didn't call me back, right, So respect your bodies. 232 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:11.559 And it's very crucial, delicate, vulnerable, important, intelligent biology. Okay, 233 00:14:11.559 --> 00:14:14.440 I think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy. 234 00:14:14.480 --> 00:14:16.639 I connected really well with this woman. I like her, 235 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:19.879 but something in my gut isn't allowing me to move forward. 236 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:22.679 I'm really not sure what it is. She keeps asking 237 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:25.559 me to take the next step. Why am I hesitating? 238 00:14:26.080 --> 00:14:29.799 Is my gut trying to tell me something? Yes, I 239 00:14:29.840 --> 00:14:33.120 think you know. Psychologists would call our gut the second brain. 240 00:14:33.679 --> 00:14:37.159 There's a reason, and the reason will become clear if 241 00:14:37.159 --> 00:14:41.159 you just go slow. It'll be obvious to you eventually. 242 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:44.399 So I don't say dumper, I say just keep your 243 00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:49.840 boundaries intact, go slow, and you will see what your 244 00:14:49.879 --> 00:14:52.080 gut is. Unless you have this with everybody and you 245 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:54.000 just have fear of commitment or fear of intimacy. But 246 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:57.159 if it is this one person and you're like something 247 00:14:57.279 --> 00:15:02.279 saying this isn't right. Well, maybe it isn't right. Wait 248 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:05.240 and see. That's my favorite motto. I tell my kids 249 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:07.360 that all the time. Just wait and see, Just wait, 250 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:10.080 no rush, don't have to do anything all right. This 251 00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:12.200 is always my honor to wait in on your love lives. 252 00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:15.320 Moving right along. When we come back, I have found 253 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:17.960 some I call it quirky new human research. I have 254 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:21.000 actually found some very interesting data that we all need 255 00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:25.840 to know when we come back. And then I'm going 256 00:15:25.879 --> 00:15:30.320 to tell you how I used my own advice to 257 00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:34.600 find a secure relationship. And you're listening to the doctor, Wendy. 258 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:37.720 We have to tell you before we wrap up the show. 259 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:42.720 Congratulations on your working in the newsroom and you've been 260 00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:44.159 doing your thing, and I wanted to make sure I 261 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:47.639 say congratulations to you, and I'm so thrilled for you. 262 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:51.720 Thank you. It's just I would have never thought that 263 00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:54.519 I would have this feeling at this age, because I've 264 00:15:54.519 --> 00:15:58.559 always been so cynical and skeptical, and to be able 265 00:15:58.600 --> 00:16:02.480 to trust someone and allow them into the most vulnerable 266 00:16:02.519 --> 00:16:05.399 parts of my brain is just It's a testament to 267 00:16:05.399 --> 00:16:07.120 the work I've done it myself. Thank you very much. 268 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:10.519 We love it practices what she preaches. 269 00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:14.080 Everybody right, but he's he's also a really great guy, 270 00:16:14.120 --> 00:16:15.559 and I feel like I've got a great catch. So 271 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:18.080 maybe it was just luck and I don't know, but 272 00:16:18.679 --> 00:16:20.240 I did some there was some strategy. There was some 273 00:16:20.279 --> 00:16:22.519 strategy there, and I'm gonna explain that at the end 274 00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:24.120 of the show. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall 275 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:27.080 Show and KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 276 00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:28.440 iHeartRadio app. 277 00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:33.200 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 278 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:34.360 AM six forty. 279 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:37.440 Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI 280 00:16:37.559 --> 00:16:41.399 AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. So 281 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:43.840 you know, I'm a nerd. I'm a little bit of 282 00:16:44.639 --> 00:16:48.720 a geek. I love research, I love data, and I 283 00:16:48.840 --> 00:16:51.879 go down a rabbits hole sometimes on the Internet, just 284 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:55.519 reading like these new interesting studies, like oh yeah, that's 285 00:16:55.559 --> 00:16:59.480 so cool. I wonder why, I know some people get 286 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:04.880 addicted to Instagram, Amazon. I don't know. Maybe you're trying 287 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:06.400 to find new porn to watch. I don't know what 288 00:17:06.519 --> 00:17:09.680 rabbits hole you go down, Okay, I don't know. However, 289 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:14.000 I go down the rabbits hole of human behavior research. 290 00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:16.759 So I thought I would talk a little bit about 291 00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:20.839 some of the stuff that I discovered just this morning. Now, 292 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:24.160 the first study that I found has to do with 293 00:17:24.200 --> 00:17:26.480 one of the problems I have in my life, which 294 00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:29.000 is I have one charger. I know I can go 295 00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:31.079 to the store and buy another, but it's okay. Has 296 00:17:31.079 --> 00:17:33.720 something to do with the way the plug fits beside 297 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:37.079 my bed. I have one charger for my iPhone, and 298 00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:40.519 then I switch out the cable and have another charger 299 00:17:40.640 --> 00:17:44.079 for my Apple Watch. So what I generally do is 300 00:17:44.119 --> 00:17:46.960 I go to bed, I get into bed, I plug 301 00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:50.480 in my Apple Watch, which charges really fast, by the way, 302 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:53.440 I don't know how long, twenty thirty minutes, whatever it's done. 303 00:17:54.359 --> 00:17:58.000 And then during that time I like to put myself 304 00:17:58.000 --> 00:18:02.200 to sleep by reading about war. I look, I have 305 00:18:02.279 --> 00:18:05.799 this dark side, okay, I am light and happy and wonderful, 306 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:09.200 and somehow I just go down this rabbit hole in 307 00:18:09.640 --> 00:18:14.160 Ukraine and Russia and Israel and on the New York Times. 308 00:18:14.200 --> 00:18:16.400 So I'm reading and reading and reading, and then when 309 00:18:16.440 --> 00:18:18.880 I start to get sleepy. Yes, it puts me to sleep. 310 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:22.319 It's a la la by okay, don't ask, okay, doctor freud, 311 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:26.400 don't ask. Then, just as I'm falling asleep, I switch 312 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:29.759 out that cable, half asleep, plug in my phone, roll over, 313 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:32.759 go to sleep. Julio's already asleep at this point. He 314 00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:35.079 can't believe that I can look at that little blue 315 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:37.079 light before I go to sleep, and I'll tell you 316 00:18:37.160 --> 00:18:39.880 it's bad for you. It's bad for you, and I 317 00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:42.759 do it. So here's why this study that I just 318 00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:47.640 read is so interesting. Researchers in the of course, Canadian 319 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:54.799 University of Waterloo have developed a smart fabric. Now wait 320 00:18:54.839 --> 00:18:57.960 for this, this smart fabric. I guess it's going to 321 00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:00.599 look like Lululemons because they also come from Canada. This 322 00:19:00.759 --> 00:19:06.000 smart family fabric can convert body heat into solar energy. 323 00:19:06.119 --> 00:19:11.680 Oh and solar energy into electricity, enabling continuous operation and 324 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:14.200 no need for any external power source. 325 00:19:14.279 --> 00:19:15.599 Da da da da. 326 00:19:16.440 --> 00:19:20.079 But get this, it doesn't even more. Apparently it's got sensors, 327 00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:23.519 this magical fabric that can monitor your body temperature, your 328 00:19:23.519 --> 00:19:27.319 stress level. It can give feedback, you know, to your 329 00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:31.559 healthcare provider while you're just wearing your shirt. Okay, so 330 00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:35.359 your shirt's monitoring your heart rate, your temperature. I mean, 331 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:38.920 think of athletes, they could wear it to monitor their 332 00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:42.759 track performance. Anyway, I think that's cool. It's not on 333 00:19:42.799 --> 00:19:46.440 Amazon yet. It's just been invented at the University of Waterloo, 334 00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:48.319 so I guess some venture capitalists has to come in 335 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:50.000 and find a way to turn it into business. But 336 00:19:50.680 --> 00:19:54.279 very soon we're going to be wearing our batteries fabric 337 00:19:54.599 --> 00:19:58.079 that charges everything. Gone will be the cable for my 338 00:19:58.160 --> 00:20:02.400 iPhone and my Apple Watch. All right, here's another quirky 339 00:20:02.440 --> 00:20:04.440 study that made me feel very happy first fall. There's 340 00:20:04.440 --> 00:20:07.720 a story behind it. As usual, I was home alone 341 00:20:07.839 --> 00:20:11.799 one night recently. I'm embarrassed to tell you this story. 342 00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:16.759 I was trying to make the perfect spicy margarita, but 343 00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:20.160 I had no fire water in the house. And it's 344 00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:21.640 that thing they serve you on the bar. I don't 345 00:20:21.640 --> 00:20:22.920 know if that's a real thing, but they say do 346 00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:24.680 you want firewater? And do you want a lot of it? 347 00:20:24.720 --> 00:20:27.599 And I like really spicy margaritas, and I have a 348 00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:31.559 selfish reason for liking it. It makes me drink slower, 349 00:20:31.839 --> 00:20:35.720 just saying if it's spicy, it's burning my tongue my lips. 350 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:38.759 I take fewer SIPs in more time. That's just my trick. 351 00:20:38.920 --> 00:20:41.319 But I also like the taste. Probably not good for 352 00:20:41.400 --> 00:20:43.839 my damaged d esophagus, but okay, we won't go there. 353 00:20:44.359 --> 00:20:47.039 So I was home alone and I had no fire water. 354 00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:49.640 So I came up with this idea that if I 355 00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:51.640 took like dried chilies, you know, like you'd put on 356 00:20:51.680 --> 00:20:54.640 your pasta dried chili peppers and put them in like 357 00:20:54.759 --> 00:20:57.880 an inch of water and let them soak for a 358 00:20:57.920 --> 00:21:01.839 few minutes, and then you said, tea strainer and pour 359 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:06.279 this now orange water into your margrita, you get firewater. 360 00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:08.680 So I was trying to figure out exactly the right 361 00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:11.359 amount to make the right thing. End of the day, 362 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:17.240 I overserved myself drinking alone. It was not a pretty sight. 363 00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:19.960 It was not a pretty sleep. I didn't feel good 364 00:21:19.960 --> 00:21:23.720 in the morning. Well onto the study that I just read. 365 00:21:24.359 --> 00:21:28.640 Did you know if you drink with your friends? Now, 366 00:21:28.680 --> 00:21:33.400 alcohol impacts your brain in different ways, you know, depending 367 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:36.119 on how much you've eaten, how much liquid I mean 368 00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:39.720 good liquid water that you've had. However, they found that 369 00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:43.319 when you drink with other people, it will make you 370 00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:49.240 feel more friendly and more upbeat, but if you drink alone, 371 00:21:49.839 --> 00:21:55.039 you're more likely to experience feelings of depression. This out 372 00:21:55.079 --> 00:21:57.799 of the University of Texas, And no, they did not 373 00:21:57.920 --> 00:21:59.880 do this study on humans, and they did it on 374 00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:05.799 fruit flies. Fairly, fruit fly flies, shoe fly don't bother 375 00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:09.559 me anyway. Fruitflies apparently are a lot like us. So 376 00:22:09.599 --> 00:22:12.279 what they did is had them breathe in ethanol vapor 377 00:22:12.680 --> 00:22:14.880 and then they measured their speed of flying. But if 378 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:18.160 they were with friends, they flew faster and had more fun. 379 00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:20.440 I mean, why not. If you're gonna drink tequila and 380 00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:23.720 a spicy margarita, you should be dancing with friends, all right. 381 00:22:24.160 --> 00:22:26.880 My other favorite interesting study of the day that I found, 382 00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:33.440 go ahead, vent to a friend rant, go on, express 383 00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:36.480 yourself now. I want to remind you because I'm sure 384 00:22:36.480 --> 00:22:38.640 I've said it on the show before. There's lots of 385 00:22:38.680 --> 00:22:43.480 research to show that venting is wrong. If all you're 386 00:22:43.519 --> 00:22:45.799 trying to do is get rid of your terrible feelings 387 00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:49.680 and get rid of anger. Right, it's not a catharsisis. 388 00:22:50.200 --> 00:22:53.880 It feels good to vent, but the research shows it 389 00:22:53.960 --> 00:22:59.640 doesn't decrease anger, and in fact, venting sometimes amplifies anger. 390 00:23:00.680 --> 00:23:03.599 So why would I tell you that you should vent 391 00:23:03.680 --> 00:23:06.920 to a friend? Well, a new study that literally came 392 00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:09.920 out this Week from the University of California says that 393 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:17.559 people who listened to a friend vent liked and supported 394 00:23:17.599 --> 00:23:22.599 that person more than those who were vented about dah 395 00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:25.880 da da da. But there was one key to this. 396 00:23:26.680 --> 00:23:31.799 If the person venting doesn't seem really derogative and aggressive 397 00:23:31.799 --> 00:23:35.160 toward the other friend, So what they're thinking is that 398 00:23:35.279 --> 00:23:38.440 venting could actually be They call it a tool of 399 00:23:38.519 --> 00:23:44.119 competition for listeners' affections because it's not recognized that all 400 00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:48.680 this is unconscious. Right, But apparently if you're venting, let's 401 00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:51.599