Speaker 1: New married men live longer than single men.
Speaker 2: No, it only seems longer.
Speaker 1: Correct. Pay that man eight dollars? On which side do
you milk a cow on the outside? Correct?
Speaker 3: Pay that man nine dollars.
Speaker 4: Because it pays to be ignorant.
Speaker 5: Another half hour in Radio's Biggest Hatch of Boobies with
Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Harry McNaughton, don Novic's Rhythm Butcher's
and the zaneist of Vizzany's Tom Howard.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Johnny. Believe me, ladies and gentlemen. Well, here
we are again with that quiz program that, as an
educational teacher, should be in the Hall of Fame because
it's the bus. We have a quarterback first, who are
so dumb they think a bridal past is for married
couples only Bush. We have the celebrated author mister Harry McNaughton,
who has just written the book entitled five Easy Ways
to Take Names out of Hotel Town or you can't.
Speaker 4: Take it with you.
Speaker 1: Here he is, mister Harry McNaughton.
Speaker 4: I have a poet, mister Hull.
Speaker 1: Tail.
Speaker 6: Men think they are smart that he come and plan,
when really they're going to be dumb.
Speaker 4: They pulled for the girl and ask for her hands.
Speaker 6: Then they find themselves under her thuby is do you
like man?
Speaker 7: Yeah?
Speaker 8: No, I knew you would, all right.
Speaker 1: Next, oh please, Chris mcnaugh. Next, we have a woman
who was so refined she eat chewing gum with a knife,
and for a woman so big. She was lying on
the beach last summer, and four explorers rushed up and
claimed her for England. Here she is, here, she is
the bloomer girl of Health Kitchen. Miss Lula McConnell, Miss Doug.
Speaker 3: You don't tell me how you like my new bless No.
Speaker 1: I tell you the truth, Miss McConaughey, I hadn't noticed
your new dress.
Speaker 3: Well, I think it's just plans. Fine, and I made
it myself, okay, And it only tells me two.
Speaker 1: Dollars eighty nine and I had set or two dollars
eighty nine and a half. Yep, where did you get
such an odd figure?
Speaker 3: I eat too much?
Speaker 1: You ate fa, there's me right? Thanks. We have a man. Thanks.
You have a man whose parents were reading the racing
form before he was born.
Speaker 2: So they got a little dope.
Speaker 1: A man, A man, A man who was a bottle
baby up to the age of nine. Then they broke
the bottle and let him out here he is the handsomest.
Speaker 2: Man in America.
Speaker 1: Without a place, mister George shall finish the house.
Speaker 2: Will you mail a letter for me after the program tonight?
I wait a minute's for a friend of mine over
on Toyda. Look, I have no time. Mail your own letter.
It's all right. I got a two cent stamp on
it already.
Speaker 1: Well, mail you a two cent stam. Wait a minute,
don't you know it takes a three cent stamp to
mail a letter even in the city. The rates have
gone up. Oh but I pooled them or you pooled them.
I'm a sucker. But how did you pull them? Well?
I bought a thousand stamps WHILERI is still two cents
a piece.
Speaker 2: Very clever, or don't take me over to.
Speaker 1: Catch no, very thoughtful.
Speaker 4: Let's get on here, please, mister.
Speaker 3: Hard we are as rolling Young was gonna be here.
Speaker 1: I told you Rasley, I told you Lard.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm all a flutter.
Speaker 1: Thank you you are all of that. Yes, thank you
for remember me. I did say Roland Young, and I
believe you is here. Mister Roberts when you introduced mister Young.
Speaker 9: Well, it's a pleasure, mister Howard at the thing we
start of radio, stage and screen, mister.
Speaker 3: Rowland, jun.
Speaker 1: Why that's well, that's real nice tonight recording. I got
a better reception, good mister Young, missus a pleasure.
Speaker 2: It was sweet of you to come.
Speaker 8: It was.
Speaker 2: I've always admired you, mister.
Speaker 8: Young, always in mind you, mister Hall.
Speaker 2: I think you're a great artist.
Speaker 1: Mister Young.
Speaker 8: I think yell a great artist. Mister Howard.
Speaker 2: You know we have music YouTube couden.
Speaker 1: I've had miss me potamusy Young nobody, but you can
just tell me LULUs.
Speaker 3: I can hardly wait.
Speaker 1: You got here.
Speaker 3: I'm saving myself all for you.
Speaker 8: Thank you for saving so much.
Speaker 1: Let's see what young? This is, mister Sheldon. Mister Young,
how do you do.
Speaker 7: I've heard a lot about you. In fact, I've heard
a great deal about you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well you can't prove a thing. He just got
a good lawyer, that's all all right, mister Young. This
is mister Harry Mclaw.
Speaker 8: How do you do?
Speaker 4: Eaton?
Speaker 8: Hello? Oxford, Cambridge?
Speaker 4: Quite weekends?
Speaker 8: Thatt non quite mondays else is on the stomach?
Speaker 4: Oh quite?
Speaker 2: Look will you two guys.
Speaker 1: Do me a favor and keep quiet, will you please?
Let's get on there? Quite quite all right boy? Great
teamwork there, mister Young. This is a quiz program just
like information please, only we're serious.
Speaker 2: We have questions.
Speaker 1: We have questions that we throw at the experts.
Speaker 8: You really have proposing.
Speaker 2: Well, you see, our experts are pretty dumb.
Speaker 1: So I asked the experts the question they try to
answer them. Now is our guest, mister Young, I want
you to feel that you are one of us.
Speaker 8: That's too bad. Which one?
Speaker 1: Well you can pick? Take a pick there if you
can answer me the question.
Speaker 2: Speak right up? Is that clear?
Speaker 1: Miss the Young?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 1: Quite? Dear?
Speaker 3: What other of mister Young? How's he's in Hollywood? You
know I was out there.
Speaker 7: I worked in short.
Speaker 3: Well, of course that was been basing a sweater girl day?
Speaker 6: Oh yes, I I tek you know, speaking of sweatter girls.
Speaker 4: I was out with the sweater girl last night.
Speaker 8: Oh.
Speaker 4: I always get the kind who nit them, never the
kind of wear them.
Speaker 1: Miss mcgot. Why don't you wear your tie and half masked?
Your brain is dead if you know what I mean.
We have a question here, now let's try and answer.
I'll pay attention. Here is the question for what famous
theatrical producer was a zig theater name. Did you hear
the question, mister Sheldon? Yes, I did.
Speaker 2: Well, what do you think of it?
Speaker 1: Well, as questions go, I fit quite a lot of it,
Thank you, Thank you. You wouldn't care to answer it?
Speaker 2: Oh no, I didn't think that much.
Speaker 1: Oh you didn't think that.
Speaker 6: By the way, By the way, Roland Young, you must
know the Earl of Nottingham. Remember the son of the
Brigadier lived at Oyster on the.
Speaker 8: Half shells cool time of mine?
Speaker 1: Oh really, then you.
Speaker 6: Must know his daughter? Lady wants it? Yeah, she just
met a young what's his name?
Speaker 8: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah, from what you might call it.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I heard he worked for that dud dead concern
he did over.
Speaker 8: A thing of a jigs. Yeah, did you hear about it? Well?
Speaker 7: I knew she got mad, but this is the first
time I've heard all the detail.
Speaker 1: Please, gentlemen, can we answered the question for what famous
producer was a Zigfield theater name? I like the movies,
bets who cares?
Speaker 3: So do I? How much of the movies? Last night?
Speaker 1: Was my old man?
Speaker 8: All right?
Speaker 3: What a picture Charles Boyer was? And the way he
kissed the leading lady?
Speaker 2: Yeah, what way did he kiss her? Well?
Speaker 3: I said him, my old man, why don't you kiss.
Speaker 8: Me like that? And what do you old man say?
Speaker 3: He said?
Speaker 1: He?
Speaker 10: What if they pay him as much as they paid boye?
Speaker 1: I see, and he wouldn't be overpaid one there? Can
you tell me? Can you tell me the name of
the producer after which the zick Field Theater was named,
Wayne McNaughtan.
Speaker 7: You must have known Colonel Fiddles there, rober Colonel Fiddles.
Speaker 4: Yes, indeed, spend the check, big golfer.
Speaker 8: Yes, he died on the golf course last week.
Speaker 7: Cable man's addressing the ball for his drive when he
dropped dead. Oh shucking, that's awful, dreadful, ruined.
Speaker 2: The loud, ruing this shot. He must have had a stroke. Look,
let's get up. Will you please pay some attention to
what's going on here?
Speaker 8: I say, mc norton.
Speaker 7: Who is this chap always bucking into our conversation?
Speaker 8: Quite prooved, old pain.
Speaker 4: He's just a quiz master. Yeah, but don't don't let
him bother you.
Speaker 8: Must he keep talking all the time. It just isn't cricket.
Speaker 1: You two guys want to play cricket. Why don't you
go to Central.
Speaker 7: Park, right, I say, mc norton, into some place around
here where we can go to.
Speaker 8: Have some privacy.
Speaker 1: I can tell you both way, you could go alive
the saidless in the house.
Speaker 3: All right, Well, I'm playing cricket with you, mister young.
Is it anything like post office?
Speaker 7: The post of his ridiculous post Office is a children's game.
Speaker 3: That's the way I play it.
Speaker 1: Miss mcconnall plays Miss McConnell's.
Speaker 2: Miss McConnell, you're in your second childhood.
Speaker 10: Yeah, and I'm having more fun than I did in
my first.
Speaker 2: Thank you, doctor, no, thank you.
Speaker 1: That was very, very refreshed. As is our custom, we
have invited two studio audience members up here in the stage.
Speaker 2: They can ask the expert the question.
Speaker 1: If they get the intelligent answer, we give them the
deed to Radio City. If they don't, we give them
a couple of discarded pixie cups. Who is our first contestant,
mister roberts Well.
Speaker 9: Our first guest to mister hard is fire our control man,
second Class Bruce Griffith of the United States Navy.
Speaker 1: That's problem is Bruce MA R and D. Glad to
have you here with it. It certainly is a pleasure.
How do you feel, Bruce?
Speaker 8: Just fine?
Speaker 1: And you certainly do look it. Certainly you are certainly
a fine lump of sailor, if I must say so.
We always like to give the old hometown a plug.
Would you care to tell us where your hometown is?
Speaker 8: Right Town, Wisconsin, right up.
Speaker 1: Wright's Town, Wits con Yeah, yet, well do my homework
and call me a little off. And then you know
I used to work.
Speaker 2: I used to work in that town.
Speaker 1: You're gonna strain your tonsils someone, Now, I was a
farmer in a candy store.
Speaker 8: You you were, You were.
Speaker 4: A farmer in a candy store.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I used to milk chocolates.
Speaker 7: Wait a minute, mister Jose, did I understand you to
say you.
Speaker 8: Used the milk chocolate?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 8: Did you enjoy that sort of thing?
Speaker 1: Well, to be candid, shot him when you cut out
the bomb, and this they are we have a contestant here.
Speaker 8: Oh really, he looks more like a sailor to me.
Speaker 7: Able tell me that is your brother Bixley in the army.
Speaker 6: No, no, you see they put him in five x
five x Yes, that's a single name with Sonature's.
Speaker 2: All the say for you guys. Can we get on
with the program.
Speaker 1: What's going on here? Let's make god with a proper
food and plenty of breast. And if you now you
have excellent chances of becoming a moron. Quite quite yeah, fie,
Now let's get thanks to the contestant.
Speaker 2: We're mighty glad to have you with us.
Speaker 1: Bruce paid no attention. What's your first name, honey, Bruce? Bruce? Bruce?
Your yeah, Bruce is a very Yeah, you're gent all right,
all righty oh.
Speaker 3: My, well you can just call me fruitcakes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm full of spikes. You're just as nutty too, Bruce.
You can help us out a great deal here, if
you will. When you're reaching it the dungecap there and
pick out a question for us, And would you be
kind enough to read the question?
Speaker 2: Just read into the microphone there.
Speaker 4: What time of day is five o'clock tea served?
Speaker 1: That's a good question. What no help from the audience, please? No? Coasey?
What time of day is five o'clock tea served? Now,
let's give this question some consideration. What time of day
is five o'clock tea served? Do you know mister Shelton
going on. What time of day is five o'clock tea, sir?
I'm sorry my watch is broke. See your watching?
Speaker 2: It has no hands on it. H What is the
trouble with the hands, says I, sticking my shin out. Well,
things got so better I hadn't laid the hands, lay
the hands on.
Speaker 1: Natural thing. I thought he would love.
Speaker 2: To give you the works here, mister shallow.
Speaker 1: Let's get on there. What time of day is five
o'clock tea, sir? I said, told me, mister young, whatever.
Speaker 4: Became of he's married?
Speaker 8: Now?
Speaker 4: Did he marry that girl that you used to go with?
Speaker 8: Oh?
Speaker 4: The one with no?
Speaker 8: The other one?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: Yeah, she lives over on?
Speaker 2: No, she moved, she moved, didn't didn't she have a
brother who?
Speaker 8: No? They thought he did.
Speaker 1: They thought he did. No, that's the wrong, Colo mcnot. Look, please,
miss McNaught. What time of day is five o'clock? Tea sir?
Speaker 2: If you want to be able to answer that.
Speaker 6: I'm always selling mister horb and I haven't got my
watch with me either.
Speaker 2: Look, you don't need to was to tell the.
Speaker 7: Time of face No, have you another method of telling?
Speaker 2: Where's the matter with your watch? Miss McNaughton.
Speaker 4: Oh, I left it down for the second hand store.
Speaker 3: What's it doing at the second hand store?
Speaker 4: I'm having the second hand fixed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the second boy, he's a case many, Yeah, he's
a case.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Please cut it off, mister young, Let me appeal to you.
Can you answer the question certainly?
Speaker 8: Oh boy? What was the question?
Speaker 1: Oh? It's not awful.
Speaker 2: How can a man be so stupid?
Speaker 7: Oh, that's a very unusual question. Question when you don't
have to shout. Oh boy, you can holler, but pe
don't shout.
Speaker 1: Please, Oh goodness, help the sailors on a night like this. Look,
I'm just trying to get an answer to a question here.
Speaker 8: When do you have to have the answer right now?
Speaker 7: I see tomorrow? Wouldn't do either, No.
Speaker 2: No, I gotta date with my Dennis tomorrow. Mister what
was the question again? Mister Howard?
Speaker 1: What time of day is five o'clock te third? Five
o'clock t.
Speaker 8: Did you say five o'clock tea?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 8: Then? You don't have mine with lemon and sugar? Your mind?
Speaker 1: And across a crumpet, Oh, crumpet quite right, right, he
loves crumpets. This is gonna be good.
Speaker 2: M h.
Speaker 4: It's beautiful though lovely.
Speaker 6: If I have my brushes, hair like paint.
Speaker 2: Sounds beautiful.
Speaker 8: What if.
Speaker 2: They think, oh it sends me. I wish it would
leave you, Larry.
Speaker 1: They think it's.
Speaker 2: Beautiful, mister Taylor, I very Youmazar play a band is
playing William Tall, Ladies and Gentleman.
Speaker 3: Now if I'm playing Richmond in the fine race, there
it goes.
Speaker 1: The only land in country that plays.
Speaker 2: Without taking the du out of the case.
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you doctor Novik for finishing when the pied
Piper chased the rats out of Ham and he really
had not Novik's orficer with him. If you want the back, So.
Speaker 2: Now our orchestra led by doctor Novic.
Speaker 1: He is the leader because he's the only member of
the officer that looks good from the back.
Speaker 2: He play a number? Can we have a number?
Speaker 1: Doctor Novie?
Speaker 2: Maybe this is gonna be good?
Speaker 1: Odd is beautiful?
Speaker 2: Crit cry?
Speaker 8: What would you say it was?
Speaker 4: If you name it, you can have it.
Speaker 3: I'm feeling goastly to me?
Speaker 8: What is here?
Speaker 3: Young?
Speaker 7: I wouldn't care to say. I thought it could be
something I ate.
Speaker 2: I didn't seem that early.
Speaker 1: If the Union takes news from these people, they should
be ashamed of themselves. This would be a good time.
Speaker 2: And with the kiddies to bed, ladies can jump fine,
time to practice. I explained the limb of a tree
or somet I get it when you get it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he got it.
Speaker 1: Cocky this arrangement off the side of a box car somewhere.
Speaker 2: I think this is the ladies and gentleman.
Speaker 1: Stop it. Ladies and gentlemen. They don't think they're good.
That was dachner Novic's avest.
Speaker 2: Boy.
Speaker 1: If that's music, I'm a monkey's uncle. Well, next music,
all right, Oh your nephews, mister.
Speaker 2: Hard thank you, mister Sheldon, thank you.
Speaker 1: Now let's get on. Here have we another contestant, mister Roberts, Yes.
Speaker 8: We have, mister Howard.
Speaker 9: And here she comes down a specialist class, Dorothy Breeden
of the United States wave.
Speaker 1: Oh, how do you do, miss Braden? This is indeed
a pleasure, and thank you a lot for exposing yourself
to all this ignorance. How do you.
Speaker 2: Feel, miss Breeding?
Speaker 8: I feel fine, Thank you.
Speaker 2: That's great.
Speaker 1: You look fine.
Speaker 7: It looks fine too. Yes, yeah, I'm glad. There's something
about this program I like. Okay, mister, if you don't mind,
mister howd.
Speaker 8: I'll take over from here. What's your name, young lady?
Wait a minute, Dorothy Breden? They pretty name. Then I
might add up that he pretty go Do you think
so much?
Speaker 4: Quite? Definitely?
Speaker 8: Quite?
Speaker 7: Tell me, young lady, how did you happen to get
mixed up in this can bike?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 8: Oh lady? How long have you been in the service?
Almost a year?
Speaker 7: A commendable? Where is your hometown? What's your phone number?
Speaker 2: You know, I used to know a young lady from
that town. I don't know why he didn't mention I met.
Speaker 1: I met before I wrapped this microphone around your next,
let's get them.
Speaker 8: What did you do before you entered the service? My dad,
I went to school.
Speaker 7: Uh huh. That's more than anyone here.
Speaker 8: All right, thank you a lot. What you say, young lady?
That's you and I. Duck out of this and go
someplace where we can have fun.
Speaker 2: That's a good idea. Just the three of it.
Speaker 7: We can walk, we can walk through Central Park, Yeah,
just the three of it. Then we can take a
walk up Broadway.
Speaker 1: Boy, just the three of it.
Speaker 8: Let me go in the nightclub.
Speaker 7: Yeah, just the three of it and have a big
ten dollar dinner.
Speaker 2: You finally got rid of me.
Speaker 1: Mister Young, can I please have my program back?
Speaker 7: Please have your program back? All I want is a
young lady.
Speaker 3: There we goes throw me over like an old dish rag.
Speaker 1: A very good description of yourself.
Speaker 8: This McConnell.
Speaker 2: What, miss McConnell, what do you want with him? You've
already got a husbands.
Speaker 3: I've got a hat to that. Don't stop me from
wanting another one.
Speaker 8: Man.
Speaker 7: I wish you people would stop interrupting the program.
Speaker 6: Us interrupting by mister Young. I haven't said a word
in five minutes.
Speaker 8: I appreciate that. Oh boy, oh no.
Speaker 1: The only way out of this, I think is to
get our charming guest here to help us out by
reaching into the dunce cap and picking out a question
for it.
Speaker 7: Don't do it, miss, You don't get twenty five dollars,
never mind.
Speaker 1: Make you on.
Speaker 2: Don't do what he tells your Would you read the question?
Speaker 1: Please?
Speaker 8: What kind of a bird has raised on an ostrich farm?
Speaker 2: Well? Well boy, if we miss this, we're gonna lay
a big game. Never mind, I was waiting for that.
Speaker 1: The question is what kind of a bird is raised
on an ostrich farm? Have you got it? Mister mc norton,
Have I got bought in Ostrich? Have you got the questions?
Speaker 3: They have those fives in Australia, don't did, mister Howard?
Speaker 9: Yes?
Speaker 2: I believe they're quite common in Australia.
Speaker 8: I have a friend in Australia.
Speaker 4: You have a friend in Australia.
Speaker 7: Yeah, he's a beer salesman. He sells hops to the kangaroos.
Speaker 1: He says, lay Lee, sells hops to the kangaroo.
Speaker 3: But what's the kangaroo?
Speaker 2: I never mind, leave him.
Speaker 1: Holding the bag there, let's get on. Kangaroo is a
native of Australia.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, my sister married one of Oh right, the
mard one.
Speaker 1: Look we have a questionnaire that, mister Howard. They also
have Ostrich farms down at Florida.
Speaker 2: You know, oh they do?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I hired one of them once and took a ride.
Speaker 4: Really really, how much did they charge you?
Speaker 2: Five dollars a day? I hired mine at night?
Speaker 4: Oh how much did you pay at night?
Speaker 2: The man is there at night?
Speaker 7: Now, I imagine it would be cheaper that way.
Speaker 2: Did you ever write in ospris, mister Young?
Speaker 7: Several times? I'll never forget the first one.
Speaker 8: I rode there. Then I was going along about.
Speaker 7: Forty miles an hour when suddenly we came to a fence.
Speaker 8: Did you make the huddle? No? The answer you did, though,
the answer how em bad?
Speaker 7: Is Finally I got on his back again. The way
we went, we came to a fork in the road.
I wanted to go one way in the office. You
wanted to go the other way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what happened?
Speaker 8: He tossed me for it?
Speaker 1: He talked me. You know, riding ostriches is great sport.
Though I got so I could ride along and pick
up a handkerchief with my teeth.
Speaker 8: What did you do for an uncle?
Speaker 2: I used to go back and pick up my teeth.
Now a special announcement.
Speaker 1: Not noviac and there's no doubt orchestra will play a selection.
Put all your milk in the ice box, ladies, because
this music will be sure to curdel it here. He
is not novak Ah. The Skeeter's Woltz, I've never heard
it played like this before. No nobody else said.
Speaker 3: Either, feeling Harry Wheelway.
Speaker 1: Well, every carries you, so I hope it leaves you there.
Speaker 11: The trombone player is word of I love his pretty
Connor yeah, somebody want to cut it out.
Speaker 3: There's nothing the matter with your radio boat.
Speaker 2: Drummer just dropped the French words.
Speaker 7: Ah.
Speaker 2: The musicians are all.
Speaker 1: Reject your thank you, thank you, I said, all right, thanks,
thank you. Doctor.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: Now, just to get serious for a moment or two,
I'd really like to thank our good friend mister Young
for being with a succession. He sure did do a
great job, and we have enjoyed your company very much.
Mister Young, dropping and see us again sometime, how about
next week? That's too soon, but no, kitty, mister Young,
you really were great. I'm glad to have had you.
Our guest next week will be mister Robert Benchley.
Speaker 3: Oh, Robert Bencley.
Speaker 1: My fat.
Speaker 3: I'll have to go to the beauty parler get myself.
Oh doll up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the pet shop will do a better job.
Speaker 3: Why don't you dry up, you old wet sponge.
Speaker 1: Oh? I know you know.
Speaker 6: Bob Benchley is my favorite movie, actually is you know?
I just love him when he says, oh my shitty,
I kiss you, I keep you to the.
Speaker 1: Kent love, I kiss you.
Speaker 8: Bet.
Speaker 2: That's Charles boy A.
Speaker 1: Certainly everybody knows that's Charles Boye.
Speaker 2: I know his brother life boy boy.
Speaker 1: Now you know what we mean when we say it.
Speaker 8: Pays ignorant to do.
Speaker 1: It.
Speaker 8: Pays to be ignorant, just like me. This is the
Armed Forces Radio Service.