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<v Speaker 1>Section seven of the Awful German Language by Mark Twain.

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<v Speaker 1>This LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by

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<v Speaker 1>Kirsten Webber, Section seven. There are people in the world

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<v Speaker 1>who will take a great deal of trouble to point

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<v Speaker 1>out the faults in a religion or a language, and

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<v Speaker 1>then go blandly about their business without suggesting any remedy.

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<v Speaker 1>I am not that kind of person. I have shown

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<v Speaker 1>that the German language needs reforming very well. I am

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<v Speaker 1>ready to reform it. At least I am ready to

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<v Speaker 1>make the proper suggestions. Such a course as this might

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<v Speaker 1>be immodest in another. But I have devoted upward of

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<v Speaker 1>nine full weeks first and last to a careful and

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<v Speaker 1>critical study of this tongue, and thus have acquired a

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<v Speaker 1>confidence in my ability to reform it which no mere

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<v Speaker 1>superficial culture could have conferred upon me. In the first place,

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<v Speaker 1>I would leave out the dative case. It confuses the plurals,

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<v Speaker 1>And besides, nobody ever knows when he is in the

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<v Speaker 1>date of case except he discover it by accident, and

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<v Speaker 1>then he does not know when or where it was

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<v Speaker 1>that he got into it, or how long he has

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<v Speaker 1>been in it, or how he is ever going to

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<v Speaker 1>get out of it again. The dative case is but

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<v Speaker 1>an ornamental folly. It is better to discard it. In

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<v Speaker 1>the next place, I would move the verb further up

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<v Speaker 1>to the front. You may load up with ever so

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<v Speaker 1>good a verb, but I notice that you never really

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<v Speaker 1>bring down a subject with it at the present German range,

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<v Speaker 1>you only cripple it. So I insist that this important

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<v Speaker 1>part of speech should be brought forward to a position

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<v Speaker 1>where it may be easily seen with the naked eye. Thirdly,

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<v Speaker 1>I would import some strong words from the English tongue

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<v Speaker 1>to swear with and also to use in describing all

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<v Speaker 1>sorts of vigorous things in a vigorous way. Footnote four

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<v Speaker 1>th Dumped and its variations and enlargements are words which

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<v Speaker 1>have plenty of meaning, but the sounds are so mild

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<v Speaker 1>and ineffectual that German ladies can use them without sin.

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<v Speaker 1>German ladies who could not be induced to commit a

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<v Speaker 1>sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip out one

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<v Speaker 1>of these harmless little words when they tear their dresses

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<v Speaker 1>or don't like the soup. It sounds about as wicked

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<v Speaker 1>as our migracious German ladies are constantly saying, ah got mine,

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<v Speaker 1>gott in himmel hal got der her Jesus, et cetera.

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<v Speaker 1>They think our ladies have the same custom. Perhaps, for

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<v Speaker 1>I once heard a gentle and lovely old German lady

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<v Speaker 1>say to a sweet young American girl, the two languages

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<v Speaker 1>are so alike. How pleasant that is? We say, ah

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<v Speaker 1>got you say God damn. End of footnote four. Fourthly,

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<v Speaker 1>I would reorganize the sexes and distribute them according to

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<v Speaker 1>the will of the creator. This as a tribute of respect,

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<v Speaker 1>if nothing else. Fifthly, I would do away with those great, long,

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<v Speaker 1>compounded words, or require the speaker to deliver them in

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<v Speaker 1>sections with intermissions for refreshments. To wholly do away with

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<v Speaker 1>them would be best, for ideas are more easily received

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<v Speaker 1>and digested when they come out one at a time

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<v Speaker 1>than when they come in bulk. Intellectual food is like

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<v Speaker 1>any other. It is pleasanter and more beneficial to take

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<v Speaker 1>it with a spoon than with a shovel. Sixthly, I

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<v Speaker 1>would require a speaker to stop when he is done,

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<v Speaker 1>and not hang a string of those useless hobbins, incubas

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<v Speaker 1>and gahaptov bodensigns to the end of his oration. This

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<v Speaker 1>sort of gigaws undignifies a speech instead of adding a grace.

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<v Speaker 1>They are therefore an offense and should be discarded. Seventhly,

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<v Speaker 1>I would discard the parenthesis, also the reparenthesis, the re reparenthesis,

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<v Speaker 1>and the re re re re re re reparenthesis, and

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<v Speaker 1>likewise the final wide reaching all enclosing k parentheses. I

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<v Speaker 1>would require every individual, be he high or low, to

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<v Speaker 1>unfold a plain straightforward tale, or else coil it and

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<v Speaker 1>sit on it and hold his peace. In fractions of

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<v Speaker 1>this law should be punishable with death. And eighthly, and last,

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<v Speaker 1>I would retain Souk and schlock with their pendants, and

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<v Speaker 1>discard the rest of the vocabulary. This would simplify the language.

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<v Speaker 1>I have now named what I regard as the most

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<v Speaker 1>necessary and important changes. These are perhaps all I could

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<v Speaker 1>be expected to name for nothing, But there are other

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<v Speaker 1>suggestions which I can and will make in case my

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<v Speaker 1>proposed application shall result in my being formally employed by

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<v Speaker 1>the government in the work of reforming the language. My

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<v Speaker 1>philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought

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<v Speaker 1>to learn English, barring spelling and pronouncing in thirty hours

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<v Speaker 1>French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It

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<v Speaker 1>seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be

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<v Speaker 1>trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as

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<v Speaker 1>it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set

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<v Speaker 1>aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have

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<v Speaker 1>time to learn it. End of Section seven.