Speaker 1: This is what I stand on.
Speaker 2: I feel like some things we need to hold on to, right,
And I think that even just in our past, it's
like childhood things. And I always talk about how when
I was younger, I used to be so ashamed of
like poverty and growing up poor, and then I grew
up and I realized how resourceful it made me. Why
am I getting emotional? I realized like how much sharper
I was from than other people.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: I realized that, like literally shit like heating up my
house with my soul made me quicker than every fucking
body else. I was literally out here with other adults
that shit went wrong, and they like, what do I do?
Speaker 1: I'm like, bitch, what you mean, You're gonna do this?
You're gonna do that?
Speaker 2: Like it made me so much sharper, right, And I
feel like they're still a part of holding on to
a little bit of things that you have experienced. That
the walls that you run against, and that's people, places
and things, that's feelings, that's emotions. And I feel like
sometimes those things still deserve a part in your heart, DNA,
because they will help you in the future. And that
is why I don't think that everything should be forgiven,
and I don't think that I'm riding on the inside
because of it. Hey, y'all, welcome back to Dear to
See You. We're gonna jump right into it. We have
some subscription reminders. Follow Dear to See You on Apple
and Spotify. Leave us a five star review. We want
you to subscribe to Relationship Restored and subscribe to my
YouTube channel which is under to see a x b
X twenty. We are introducing our guests for today, who.
Speaker 1: Is from Nate. We love y'all know him.
Speaker 2: For just being deep in tune with his emotions. You
talk a lot about masculinity and feelings.
Speaker 1: How would you describe it?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I would describe it as masculine vulnerability.
Speaker 2: Masculine vulnerability. Yeah yeah. We won't get a little bit
into that anyhow.
Speaker 1: We have our listener review Girl. This is for Kajonah.
Speaker 5: Girl.
Speaker 2: I look forward to this. I love to listen on
my way to work and right before bed. I love
the advice you give and how real you are. Love you, girl,
and keep doing your thing. Thank you all Right there
to see a voicemail Number one. I survived cancer, but
he's still treated me like I'm sick.
Speaker 5: There to see a girl. I love everything that you're
doing hand. I just want to say that I'm probably
one of your biggest things.
Speaker 4: So I have a problem.
Speaker 5: Last year, all hall devastating news and I got diagnosed
with stage four breast cancer. But that really stick was
in the hospital I had tooking on chemo, all the things.
I was dating a guy at the time, and he
jumped right in and did all the right things and
just became my superman, taking me to chemo, getting my medicine,
helping me around the house, you know, supporting me financially,
all the things. So three months later I went into
remission and the cancer was completely gone. I was so
grateful and thankful to God for my healing. And now
the relationship has changed and now and I'm getting my
strength back and my energy back. I want to go
out more. I want to do more things, and I
want to you know, explore life. And he's always like
monitoring me, and you know, he's like, oh, you've been
walking for ten minutes.
Speaker 1: Sit down.
Speaker 5: And when I try to do stuff around the house,
he's like looking at me and monitoring me and and
let me to drink water, and no, you can't eat
ice cream, and you know, take your medicine. If you
take your medicine, and it's making me feel like I'm
still sick. I know that he cares about me, and
I know that I've probably scared him with the diagnosis,
but now that I'm doing so much better, I don't
want him nurse celebrate me more. Instead, he still makes
me feel like I said, should I stick this out
and express myself?
Speaker 1: Should I let this one go?
Speaker 5: Help me out?
Speaker 3: Girl?
Speaker 1: Let me say this.
Speaker 2: A lot of people. I feel like there's tears in life,
and there are rolls that people innately fall into that
really stem from childhood. When you talked about like I'm
such a nurturing person, I grew up literally with my
mother bedridden my whole entire life. One thing about me
and I'll before I go there. And I also grew
up with a father who was a drug addict. I
am just innately a helper in life Like I am
a helper, I'm a nurturer.
Speaker 1: I'm a fixer.
Speaker 2: I see people through pain, and that is I know
how that is how I show up with people in life.
And I think that I would categorize myself as like
a helper and a caregiver just just by environment. I
think that some people find that soul. Some people can
only exist around people that they can help if they're
a helper. And so what happens is that and I've
seen this with people that get like gastric bypass surgery,
people that were one sick and they gain their strength
back that the people that were attached to them don't
really know how to exist outside of being in a
place of service or being a helper or being a
care right. That can be a great thing sometimes, and
then it also can be a huge point of conflict
because now your identity and how much you lean on
their identity and how much you lean on them and
need them for help was the driving force and the
basis of the relationship. And now that you all don't
have trauma, deadly sicknesses, cancer, chemo and anything as the core.
Speaker 1: Of the relationship, now you stuck with just compatibility. Baby.
Speaker 2: It's like, I'm not sick, I'm well, I got all
of my limbs. Everything is working. Now, who are you now?
What do we have now? How compatible are we now?
What's the chemistry?
Speaker 1: Now? How much do I even like you?
Speaker 2: And I think that something that stood out was that
I met him and then I kind of fell ill
and he jumped right in. And some women will be like,
that's a good man, Savannah. But now you start to
see that sometimes the way that somebody helps you is
attached to it is attached to them and not attached
to you. The service is not about you, it's actually
about them. People will give from a place of it's
feeding them versus to help the actual other person. It's
not malice or ill intent, it's just that that is
how they show up for people, and a lot of
times what they do for you is feeding them and
not feeding the actual other person. And they actually don't
know how to detach themselves from that. You ever seen
a friend where it's like that maybe they gave you
a gift and you're just like, I don't really like that,
And it's like, well, are you giving them a gift
because you want them to have these things? Or are
you giving them the gift because you want them to
watch them open it? And you want like, that's about you, baby,
The gift is about you. It's not about other people.
And sometimes people are gifting you with kindness, love, nurturing,
being a caregiver showing up for you because it's actually
feeling them up. It's not actually for you. And I
see this a lot. We'll dissect this more. What are
your thoughts.
Speaker 4: My thoughts are that she's dealing with a man that
really cares about her, and it's hard for him to
transition seasons, meaning that she's no longer in a season
where she's sick, she's actually better now, and he's having
an issue with realizing that the seasons have changed. So,
with that being said, two things, I'll be interested to
know how he treated her prior to her being sick,
if he was still as nurturing or still as like
hyper focused on her health and her well being. But
the second thing is I think that this is as
simple as a heart to heart conversation to say, hey, look,
I appreciate everything that you've done for me while I
while I was sick. You know, some men may have
even walked away, like you actually stuck around, and I
appreciate your presence in my life. I appreciate everything that
you've done to nurture me through that process, and now
that I'm in a different season, I still feel that
you view me in the way that I was when
I was sick, and I want you to know that
what I needed from you at that stage, I don't
need from you now. This is the way that it
makes me feel. This is the way that I process
through you being hyper fixed and hyper focused on what
I'm eating. I just want some ice cream, and you
know what I'm saying. And maybe your fear is causing
you to feel that I'm going to regress back into that.
I want you to know that I am okay, and
I like for you to take a few steps back.
Speaker 2: I think that this is going to be a good
way for you to decide whether this man is somebody
that really really cares about you, or if this is
a man who's like your sickness has fed his identity
and that he may not even be able to survive
this with people that are well, I'm telling you this
is not.
Speaker 1: Just men to women, but this is women to men.
Speaker 2: There's all type of relationships where people make they create
a category and how they present in somebody's life. And again,
it stems from so many things, and a lot of
times when that structure is broken, they don't know how
to exist. And when you get to the root, if
this is genuine care, unconcerned and actually the opposite side
of that of its stemming from some childhood trauma or
heart wound. It doesn't mean that they're a bad person,
but it means that it's going to be very difficult
for that this existing structure and dynamic to thrive if
that person, if it's leading from a heart wound or
some type of trauma. Literally, there are people that are
in relationship with with with others and that is that
is the only way that they're able to exist and
survive because they are needed by somebody. A lot of
times you could attract people that literally need to feel needed,
and I think that it seems admirable. But once you
start scratching and pulling back some of those layers, you'll
see that independent, independent lifestyle that does not include or
you're not so heavily dependent on them. They rather go
be where places with people that need them heavily.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree with that. I think I think a
telltale sign though, would be them having the conversation if
they haven't had it already. I'm assuming that they haven't
had that heart to heart conversation. If he continues to
do it, then we know he's doing it out of
a need that he has within himself.
Speaker 2: And how you see his masculinity breakdown, how he feels respected,
how he feels wanted and desired. It's like that's also
going to help her decide like is he starting to
feel disrespected and like unwanted and almost like you're not
respecting me because you know now you're kind of rejecting
some of his you know, some of the way that
he wants to care for you, Like do you feel
less of a man now? Like that is gonna like,
that's that's a deep one. He's already stuck with you
through cancer and now you're gonna hit a pivotal structural change.
And I hope that man about the look I'm telling y'all,
stop going through this deep shit with these people that
ain't putting no ring on your finger, dog like you
then survived cancer and now you're about to hit Like
I'm talking about, this is a pivotal change in a
relationship that has to do a lot with how you
show up, how you how you let me exist in
this world. Right, A lot of times people even want
to puppeteer how you exist in this world?
Speaker 1: Are you okay? With whowaii am.
Speaker 2: If it's not attached to how you pour into me
and how you know, that's gonna be a big thing.
Speaker 1: So that's too big, that's too big things.
Speaker 4: But I'm gonna tell you this though, too, that tension
is good. That tension is good in a relationship because
it lets it sometimes working through that at tension is
how you build that some of that fortitude, you know
what I'm saying, that conflict resolution. So I don't think
that it's one of those situations. I don't. To me,
this doesn't sound like something where this should destroy the relationship,
right right. It sounds like there just needs to be
honest and open communication and a heart to heart and
then we see how he responds, right Like, I don't.
I don't even think that this means that he's a
bad person or he's bad for the relationship. I just
think that he needs to understand that bruh, the season
has changed, Like I don't. I don't need you to
show up in the way that you showed up for
me before. It's that simple, right, It's simple. I don't
need you to and and that can exist outside of sickness, right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it could be I'm not a stay at home
mom anymore.
Speaker 2: I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm an entrepreneur now.
Speaker 2: I gave up my job and now I want to
do this like I don't need the same support, right
parents passing away grief in the FAC's so much any
ways that that can show up.
Speaker 4: Correct And so this is this is less about obviously
right now the topic is she was sick and she's
well now and he still is existing with her. As
if she said, I want to see how flexible you
are at making the necessary adjustments when the adjustments need
to be made. You know what I'm saying? How nimble
are you?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 4: And this is something that we don't talk about a
lot in relationships, but if you with somebody twenty years,
you're going to get several versions of who that person is. Yes,
you know what I'm saying. How how what's your ability
to be nimble and to adjust when adjustments need to
be made? And if you don't recognize the adjustment, which
means you know, to me, it sounds like he doesn't
recognize his need to adjust. If I bring it to
your attention, do you have the ability to make the
adjustment that needs to be made once it's brought to
your attention. I think that this is just an exercise
of like figuring out how nimble he is. If he's nimble,
there's nothing to talk about.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. If he's not, he's nimble.
Speaker 4: R right if he If he's not nimble, then we
realize that this may be an issue moving forward, and
then we take we take a further look at it.
Speaker 2: For me, I think that's absolutely spot on. You gonna
have the conversation with him and tell him just like
I love y'all use my sandwich method. I love the
way yes positive slide in that look, and then you gonna.
Speaker 1: End with something possitive.
Speaker 2: I'm so looking forward to how our relationship is going
to evolve out of you know, outside of you know
how and excess, because that's also a very honorable and
admirable thing for you first meeting me and our fall sick, right,
and it's like, hey, you have been such a pillar
in my life and I admire your strength and how
you've shown up to me, and I know that this
hasn't been difficult.
Speaker 1: But now I am out.
Speaker 2: Of this, you know, I'm out of this sickness, right,
And so then you're going to tell him that you know,
the way that you have shown up for me. It
has gotten me through. But I'm doing I'm doing pretty
okay now and I want to have a little bit
more just freedom and how I express myself and how
I enter and how I enter this world. And I
don't need that type of care from you, right. I
actually need you to now foster how I'm showing up
and really feed that. Right like now I get to
make connections with friend. Now, my hair is growing back.
Now I'm getting my confidence back. That's how I need
you to show up for me, you know, yes, And
then I'm looking forward to how it's gonna blossom. Now
after you do all this and you say all of that,
I want you to watch. You got to watch with
your eyes your ears, okay, and you want to watch
to see how give him a little time. This is
not like instantly, but let's see how he's adjusting to
this new structure. So after they said he you know,
after you go with what they said, when we figure
out if he's nimble, it's gonna be more of what
I said that he needs people to take care of.
And there's a whole bunch of trauma shit going down there.
Tell you anyway if I digress.
Speaker 1: Oh God, Oh God.
Speaker 2: Our second voicemail he confessed a week before our wedding.
Speaker 1: Oh God, dear to see you.
Speaker 3: I don't even know where to begin, but I need
someone to talk to who understands heart and faith. My
boyfriend of sixteen years just confess something that has completely
shattered me a week before we're supposed to be married.
He's been keeping a secret for more than a year.
He cheated on me, and now there may even be
a child involved. I feel like my entire world collapsed
in a single breath. The future we were planning, the vows,
we were about to exchange. Everything I believed in about
the man I loved, it all feels like it was
ripped away from me. I am numb and at the
same time drowning and emotions. I can't sort through hurt, disbelief, heartbreak,
and somehow still love. What I'm desperate to understand is
how to forgive in a way that's real. I don't
want to do the passive forgiveness where I swallow the pain, smile,
move forward and pretend I'm okay. I've done that before
in the past and in my life, and it only
makes the wound deeper. I want to learn how to
actively forgive and what it looks like where I face
the truth, process the pain and somehow grow through it
instead of shrinking from it. How do I do that?
How do I walk through betrayal, grief and uncertainty without
losing myself?
Speaker 2: Well? First of all, then she said faith and of
the heart. Baby, just say, look, it ain't two better
people to talk about that. Look you look, this call
was pulled on the right day, Okay, on the right show.
It's nobody better to talk about forgiveness, betrayal, faith, love, marriage.
Then mister from Nate with love Okay, and you know
I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna just keep a trill.
So I'm just gonna streamline what he's talking about. Okay,
let's first just talk about the fact that he told her, Yes,
he did confess. He told her a week before that
they got married.
Speaker 1: He did.
Speaker 2: Actually she didn't find this out. He actually confessed and.
Speaker 4: Told her first and foremost, sixteen years is a long time,
which means that based upon this confession, unless he's unless
he's only confessing because there may be a child involved,
which that may be a component of it as well. Right,
unless he's only confessing because there's a child involved, we
can assume that this was his first infraction. We can
assume unless he's only confessing because there's a child involved,
maybe he's there have been compromises in the past before,
but there was no child involved. There was no way
that she would actually find out. So you know, he
swept another rug. But let's just assume that this is
the first time compromising the relationship, and from this compromise,
there's a possible child and he's bring to you honestly
to let you know. Right, there is more grace for
someone who is completely honest about what happened than someone
that tries to conceal. Now, that doesn't mean that she
should stay. But if this is a question of whether
or not someone should stay, when someone has the courage
to be honest about what happened and allows you to
make the decision about whether or not you want to
continue the relationship, that is a green flag. So kudos
to him for confessing. Now, that doesn't erase what he did, Right,
That doesn't absolve him of the responsibility of the infraction. Right,
It's nuanced staying with someone after they've cheated is nuanced,
especially when you're not married. Now, sixteen years ago, it's
a long time. My hope in my prayers that for
fifteen years he was he lived above reproach, he lived
with integrity, you know what I'm saying. And he had
a moment, you know what I'm saying, where he he
had a laughs in judgment, he made he made a
poor decision. I never I never tell people to stay
in these situations. I never tell them to leave. I
always say to give it time. Now they're getting ready
to get married, I would probably push that wedding back,
you know what I'm saying, Like, because you don't want
to make a decision to get married to someone while
you're processing through your trauma. You want to be sure
that this is a decision that you want to make
before you move forward. So I would probably move I'll
probably move up with the wedding back, and they're gonna
have to work, They're gonna have to work through the nuances,
and we can talk a little bit about what that
looks like. But that's my initial assessment.
Speaker 1: So this is my thing.
Speaker 2: You probably think like I'm always well, I feel like
I'm a girls girl, So I and when I say that,
I mean that, like my number one instinct is to
like be the peripheral of things that women for things
that women just don't see. So Pov, as you mentioned,
he took sixteen years before they've been together for sixteen
years in order to get married and things.
Speaker 4: Like that, and he confessed that he compromised the relationship
a year ago.
Speaker 1: I think no, he confessed a week before.
Speaker 4: Their wedding, right, that he compromised a relationship.
Speaker 2: Yes, and there could be potentially a child on the way.
Now we don't know if this man is actually like
asking for her to stay or seeing like no, you know,
like let's work this out. But do you think that
a part of it that it could possibly be that
he does.
Speaker 1: Not want the relationship?
Speaker 2: Like number one, he took sixteen years, Like that's a
long time, right.
Speaker 4: But I think that he compromised the relationship in the last.
Speaker 2: Year, right, right, he compromised the relationship and confess one
week before the wedding. So is there so you drug
your feet sixteen years a long time and also now
you confess before the wedding. Is there a possibility that
he doesn't want to be married, that he's trying to say,
ay yo, like let me tell you what I what
I did, like maybe like it's like cold feet, and.
Speaker 1: I ain't trying to be funny. I don't, I don't.
Speaker 2: I would suspect I would assume that his feet were
kind of cold because it did take him a long time.
But don't take a man sixteen years to know. And
so now he's like, man, let me tell her this
before I actually get married. And again I don't have
enough data. But again I want to be the periphial.
I think a part of that could possibly be that
he may not actually want to enter the marriage, and
so his truth is like like his truth is actually
redemption out of this like one week before. And again
there is a child potential, you know, child involved, So
there's that, But I I think that that's just something
to think about. That maybe he is hesitant about walking
down the aisle.
Speaker 4: It's possible, but that's not what I gathered from from
hearing from hearing her talk, But that is a perspective
that is possible. I will also say this though, I
think age plays a part too. Sixteen years if they
were together as teenagers, you know what I'm saying, Like
it's probably, you know, if they if they they got
together when they were fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, and it's sixteen
years later, we're talking about them being in their their
early thirties, which is a which is a healthy around,
a healthy age to to actually embrace something like marriage.
I think the fact that they've been together for so long,
you know what I'm saying, And he proposed to her
to me, states that he wants to be in the
marriage right, because you could be with somebody and never
decide to propose right. To me, it sounds like a
man that wants to walk into the marriage with a
clear conscience, and he doesn't want her to have any
surprises when they do get married, especially if there's a
possible child in the way. And by the time a
man brings something to a woman saying that there's a
possible child in a way, there's probably a child in
the way, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So let me say this.
Speaker 2: And I think that you know, I talk a lot
about us just being overhealed, and I think that there
is that we have to make room for a space
where you just actually don't want to forgive. Like I
think we've seen remniscence of this on the internet now
where it's just like I'm out of here, I'm done.
Speaker 1: And I think.
Speaker 2: That that is a huge, a huge thing, and a
huge betrayal a week before marriage.
Speaker 1: And I think that.
Speaker 2: We have to make room for things that they're that
that some some things are not to be forgiven, and
I think it kind of makes the other person of
a villain. And it was a god forgive I don't
a week before our wedding. Also, we have to be
clear that you brought you you like you said, he
probably got that baby on the way. That's probably a
high chance that there actually is a baby on the way.
For a man to cheat is one thing before a
man to be so irresponsible, so disrespectful, so so unattached
to our love and our relationship in a split of
a second, that you would have a child on the
way when we are we're about to walk down the aisle.
Not everything does not have to be forgiven. And I
think that those are things that people have to deal with.
People have to deal with the consequences of their behavior.
And I feel like for a woman that waited sixteen
years for a ring.
Speaker 1: And now when I get it and I'm.
Speaker 2: About to live in pure bliss with you and thinking
I'm going to have my fairy tale and it's finally come.
And now you tell me that you got a baby
on the way. I don't know if that's something that
I could forgive. And I don't think people should be
feel guilty or feel shamed, like there's just some things
that are a point of no return. And I think
that women, we bear so much on our shoulders. And
I mean, she's already, she's already in the forgiveness space.
She's like, I want to be able to I want
to forgive, but not passively. I want to actually process.
And so she's already there, and I think that man
the go to for her. The default was forgiveness, and
I think that there needs to be other options out here,
like I could forgive you and not stay.
Speaker 4: Yes, So that's exactly what I was going to say.
I think that we should always forgive, Yeah, but forgiveness
doesn't mean that I have to repair the relationship.
Speaker 1: Absolutely.
Speaker 4: I think that she should be actively working to forgive,
because forgiveness is not for him, is for her right.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting an other person
toe to die to die. So I think that she
is vindicated in her desire to forgive, but I don't
think that she should be forgiving for the sake of repairing, right.
I think a lot of times people want to forgive
because they want to get back to the repair or
they want to they want to get to the repairing
of the relationship. Right. I think that she should absolutely
forgive or begin to take some of those those steps
to forgive, but that doesn't mean that she should necessarily repair.
And to your point, you know, there is there is,
There is cheating, and cheating is always disrespectful, but then
there's egregious cheating, right, like where you slide into something
unprotected and then you're coming back to me, which means
that I don't know where that girl's been, and so
not only have you jeopardized the household, but you jeopardize
my health. Like there are definitely levels to it, for.
Speaker 2: Sure, Well say this name. I feel like there's like
another category. Right, So we talked about forgiveness and all
should forgive, and then the fact that you know, when
you don't forgive, it's like expecting the other person to die,
and like everybody should forgive. My thing is that, for example,
this situation, they've been together for a long time, this
man cheated, he tells me a week before I'm married,
and that's possibly a baby on the way. It's almost
like it sounds cheap, like I accept your apology, but
I don't think it's a bitter thing to not forgive,
nor is it going to like hold on and pour
out into my life. And I think that's kind of
what you're saying, like drinking and poison expecting the other
person to die. I think that I can actually not
forgive what you did and not hold that to you,
and it also not damage my core, like you know,
like my core baseline for my emotions and my life
and my feelings, because I just again don't I don't
think that everything should be forgiven, because it's.
Speaker 1: Like, do I accept your apology?
Speaker 2: Do I recognize and accept that you made a mistake,
But when we talk about the dynamic of my relationship,
do I forgive that you went out and had a
baby and were about to get married in one week?
I don't have to fucking forgive that. I don't forgive that.
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 2: You are an adult, you have wherewith all you have
discerning nobody put a gun to your head. And I
don't think that I'm dying on the inside of poison
because I don't forgive that. This is a relationship that
you committed to and that you volunteer. I don't forgive that.
Speaker 4: Do you believe that that can lead to harboring unforgiveness?
Speaker 1: Though, no, I don't. That's what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2: I feel like we need a new category. Like it's
like forgiveness and unforgiven. This's like no dog acceptual apology.
I even see you, I see that you made a mistake.
I see that you fell to your flesh. I see
that that's not actually who you are. But I don't
have to forgive that, Like I don't have to welcome
that into my into our dynamic as a pillar of forgiveness.
And I don't think that it's gonna turn me ritten
on the inside. It's like I don't forgive that. I
don't forgive it.
Speaker 4: So so there was a there was an interesting study
that that was done over the course of a number
of years, and scientifically they paralleled or equate it unforgiveness
with certain biological issues like cancer.
Speaker 1: Absolutely interesting and.
Speaker 4: So That's the reason why I am so adamant about
people forgiving. It does not mean that the relationship has
to be prepared, right, But forgiven is literally letting going,
letting go of the offense. Right. So like when we
think about when we think about when we think about
people that have committed heinous crimes, right, Like I'm talking
about like murder and different things like that. Right, And
let's say that they murdered someone that you deeply loved, right,
somebody that you were really close to, whatever the case
may be. Forgiveness is literally releasing the offense. It doesn't
mean that you're okay with the fact that they did it.
It means I release in my heart. And it's a
difficult thing to do, especially when you've been done wrong,
but I release in my heart that infraction that was
done against me. It doesn't absolve the person of the consequence.
Somebody could have committed murder and they're behind bars from
the for the rest of their life. It doesn't mean
that you say, like I want them to get out, No,
you gotta gotta you gotta do your time for the
crime that you did. But I release you in my
heart of that offense and that's how that's how we
find like complete and total healing. And I know I
already know. I already know because you're sitting there like listen,
it ain't that much healing in the world.
Speaker 1: But I get it though. I do get it. And
I'm telling you that.
Speaker 2: I think that I have and that's what I'm saying,
like maybe there's some new science, maybe we're gonna have a.
Speaker 1: New therapy category.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: I think that I have forgiving people, and.
Speaker 2: I think that I have like made space for people
in my heart that have hurt me or whatever the
case may be, right, And I think that there is
a part of forgiveness to that. And maybe it's just
a different word that comes to it, but I just
personally don't think that everything needs to be forgiven in
order for it to not affect me biologically or for
me again like turn into this sour person and the
harbor feelings.
Speaker 1: It's just like, actually, now, I don't fuck with that.
Speaker 2: And I could see you and acknowledge it and whatever,
but I don't forgive you.
Speaker 1: I don't forgive that.
Speaker 4: Let me let me and I'm not the interviewer, but
I just have one question, okay, and we talk we're
talking as friends, all right, we're talking as friends. What
does what does the word forgiveness mean to you? Because
it could be a definition thing. So what is forgiveness
to you? Like when you when you say when you
say I forgive this person or I don't forgive this person.
What would be a good set of cinnamon synonyms? What
would be a good set of centiment? What would be
a good set of synonyms that you would use to
describe forgiveness.
Speaker 1: So forgiveness for me is.
Speaker 2: I acknowledge what you have done. I have acknowledged what
it has how it has impacted me, and I have
released you from that from the pain that it has
caused me. I have disassociated you from the pain that
it has caused me, and I have given myself the
relief of that impact. That is what I feel like
forgiveness is I have disassociated you from what you've done
impact versus intent, right, And I have separated you from
the impact that it has had on me, and I
have now made room to move forward disattached from the
impact of the pain. That is what I feel like
forgiveness is.
Speaker 4: Okay, So here's my follow up question. Why wouldn't you
want that in every scenario, Like why wouldn't you want
to be disconnected from the pain that something has caused
you in every situation?
Speaker 5: Yees see.
Speaker 2: I think that people weaponize forgiveness, right, And I think
that there is to me.
Speaker 1: I think this is this is what I stand on.
Speaker 2: I feel like some things we need to hold on too, right,
And I think that even just in our past, it's
like childhood things. And I always talk about how when
I was younger, I used to be so ashamed of
like poverty and growing up poor. And then I grew
up and I realized how resourceful.
Speaker 1: It made me.
Speaker 2: Why am I getting emotional? I realized like how much
sharper I was from than other people, right. I realized
that like literally shit like heating up my house with
my soul made me quicker than every fucking body else.
I was literally out here with other adults that shit
went wrong, and they like, what do I do?
Speaker 1: I'm like, bitch, what you mean You're gonna do this?
You're gonna do that? Like it made me so much.
Speaker 2: Sharper, right, And I feel like they're still a part
of holding on to a little bit of things that
you have experienced that the walls that you run against,
and that's people, places and things, that's feelings, that's emotions,
And I feel like sometimes those things still deserve a
part in your heart, DNA, because they will help you
in the future. And that is why I don't think
that everything should be forgiven, and I don't think that
I'm riding on the inside because of it.
Speaker 4: I think that that's beautiful what you said.
Speaker 1: Some of my pain has made me sharper, It's what
I'm saying.
Speaker 4: But let me ask you this. Do you believe that
it's possible to hold on to the lessons without holding
onto the pain?
Speaker 2: So this is what I'm saying when I even down
to like the example that I gave. Part of the
reason why I'm also so much quicker is because I
never want to feel that again, right, Like, I don't
want to feel what it's like to be without a resource.
I don't want to feel like what it's like to
be in darkness or to not know where your next
dollar or something that has come from.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: And I think that we see this with a lot
of celebrities and a lot of successful people, and a
lot of people that are resilient and overcome trials.
Speaker 1: Is that it is.
Speaker 2: If they would have let that go, it kind of
disrupts the source of how you move forward. And it's
not that I'm harboring it, but it's like remembering that
you fucking committed to me under God, and you wanted
to get married to me and sixteen years awaiting, and
now you went and cheated.
Speaker 1: Now you got a baby on way. So I want
to not all of it.
Speaker 2: Just just give me a little corner of that cake
and I'm gonna take it with me, and it's gonna
morph how I move into the world and doesn't have
to be negatively, is what I'm saying. And I feel
like forgiving it is gonna detach myself from being from
what is how it impacted me and how I'm gonna
move forward with it, if that makes any sense.
Speaker 4: When when I was fifteen, I got into a fight.
I was I was at work. I was at McDonald's. Man,
I'm going to stuff that I haven't talked, I've never
talked about. I don't camera I don't think I was
at work. I was working at McDonald's. I was fifteen,
I was living in New Jersey and I remember this
this guy that I was working with. He kept bumping
me like intent, like it happened a couple times, and
I gave it the benefit of the doubt. And then
he kept doing it, and I said, you bumped me again.
I'm whooped your ass like We're gonna take it outside
like I'm a I'm a as soon as because you
get off before me. As soon as you get off,
I'm coming out there. I'm ana whoop your ass. He
bumped me again. When he got off, we went outside,
we squared up, we fought. I ended up breaking both
of my hands in a fight. I boke my right
hand and my left wrist. Uh. I still it cost
me because I was playing basketball at the time, and
you can't play basketball with two broken hands. I remember
the pain of that. I remember the pain of that experience.
I remember what it cost me. I have not been
in another fight since that. I remember. I remember everything
that I had to sacrifice because of that decision, right,
and I remember the pain. I'm not holding onto the pain,
but I remember it and me remembering that pain, remembering
what it cost me, both the physical and lifestyle pain
that I experienced because of that decision. It caused me
to move different m I believe that it is possible
to remember the pain without holding onto the pain.
Speaker 1: I think we're in agreement there, and I think that
it is.
Speaker 4: Possible to use the pain as a lesson, absolutely without
without without holding onto without holding onto it. It's like
it's like me cutting my arm right like, and I'm like,
or it's like me getting too close to a stove
and I burned myself on the stove. Well, I don't
want to hold on to the pain that I experienced.
I want that to heat. But I'm gonna remember the
pain that I experienced from that that scenario, that's exactly
what it's gonna cause me.
Speaker 1: So yes.
Speaker 4: So with that being said, I think it is possible
to remember the infraction that someone has made against you.
I think that it is possible to remember how it
made you feel in the moment without actually holding on
to the pain. It's just a it's just a different perspective.
And I think that that's what forgiveness is. I think
forgiveness is I'm releasing myself. I'm disassociating myself from the
pain while also remembering that this person hurt me and
learning the lesson so that I don't repeat the pattern.
That caused the pain.
Speaker 1: Well, I think that.
Speaker 2: We actually are closer to some of it. Yeah, closer
to describing a similar things than we are then differently.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna go to our set. Yeah, the fragrance segment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think we were closer closer to a sentiment
than we are further apart on that one. I really,
I really do. AnyWho, Now on to our bit you
smell Good segment.
Speaker 1: We actually give advice to the girl.
Speaker 4: We didn't wear something else.
Speaker 2: What's the advice of the girl. Anyways, we'll startle back
on it. Okay, so our bit you Smell Good segment.
This is Casablanca Swiss Arabian, y'all. I want your to
look at it's almost gone. I've probably purchased this fragrance
three to four times, and I love to gift it
to people. So the notes are apple and grapes, sweet,
juicy and inviting. Right from the start, we have heart
the heart and middle notes are whitewood, iris and pachuli,
and then we have base notes of caramel, amber, swayed musk,
and peru balsam. Anyways, it's rich, warm, dried down with
gormond and amber undertones. If I ever bust a bottle
down like this, down to the bottom, then you already know.
Speaker 1: You already know it's good. That's so good, y'all.
Speaker 5: Oh.
Speaker 2: Also, I forgot to mention that this is from Amazon.
It's Arabian fragrance and it's probably under maybe twenty five
to forty dollars. Don't tell y'all, always tell.
Speaker 1: About sy it's so expensive. Are all the fragrances your
name and not? Two hundred dollars up? Very affordable? And
I ain't telling you what I heard. I'm telling you
what I know.
Speaker 2: Look at look at the bottom. I've gotten so many
compliments on this. So anyways, y'all go on Amazon and
purchase Costablanca Cotablanca. Okay, you haven't experienced this segment. This
is my red flag report. Okay, we're gonna get through this.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: Our red flag report is when fairy tale couples end
in public? What was the real red flag?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: TikTok and Instagram power couple Christy Scott and Desmond Scott,
who met as teens, married in twenty fourteen and built
a massive online following together, Having quietly headed towards divorced
after more than a decade have quietly headed towards divorce
after more than a decade as a couple and two kids.
Their separation become became public early January twenty twenty six,
after Christie fouled for divorce on December thirty of twenty
twenty five, citing issues including alleged and fidelity. Death Men
later apologized publicly acknowledged Kate acknowledged choices. I'm not proud
of the split shocked mini fans, partly because this was
the couple that grew up together in real time online,
from family content and lifestyle blogs to viral dances, reels
and parenting moments. In twenty twenty four, they even threw
a lavish redo wedding party for their tenth anniversary that
celebrated their journey, making the news of the divorce even
more surprising. Now social media is buzzing not just about
the breakup, but also about the timing and the optics.
Christy has shared cryptic posts hinting as changes in her
personal lifestyle and living situation. Desmond has posted a calm
symbolic video about starting fresh in a new space. Days
after the divorce filing. A video circulated of Desmond kissing
another woman in the public, sparking fresh speculation about timing
and loyalty. The question is when a couple shows all
the love online from anadversary celebrations to lifestyle content, but
then quietly breaks up amid allegations of infidelity and rebound behavior.
Was the red flag the actions, the communication, or the
performance for the audience. We've actually already had side talks
about this because we just talk about media culture, relationships, love.
That's just something that's a part of our daily our
daily daily talks. Let me tell you this. They always
say that the person that you marry is not the
person that you divorce. Right, let me tell you this.
One of the things that's on my list that I
vet for is a man that's gonna divorce me how
he married me.
Speaker 1: I don't care.
Speaker 2: I want that kind of unconditional like, I don't want
to make a spectacle of this person. I pray that
the person that I marry on if there's ever a
time where we separate, that they still want to honor
respect me and keep things cordial. And I feel like
they're doing a good job of that. Desmond has apologized
Christy ain't saying much, but look like a baddie. She
ain't doing shit but looking like a batty online ain't
really say much. And I mean, I don't know where
it's going, but I feel like it seems like a
quiet exiting who knows that somebody gonna do a tell all?
But I feel like they are separating in a in
an honorable way.
Speaker 4: It's some, it's some, it's some subliminals. Location, yeah, yeah,
our same house or something like.
Speaker 1: That, same same address address.
Speaker 4: Right, it's some, it's it's and then the video of him,
you know what I'm saying, And I don't know when.
Speaker 1: That was kissing that girl like a down heat like
the dog and heat.
Speaker 4: You feel what I'm saying. So I think that there
are some things. I don't think it's as amicable as
I think that. And then and then Kevin Gates recently
had a perspective where he was.
Speaker 1: Back all of my support for Kevin Gates. That will
be another episode.
Speaker 4: Kevin Gates recently had a perspective where he was just saying, like,
you know, that's men. You you you know what I'm saying.
You wanted the ones like you're gonna be alright, You're
good looking, you know how to dress, you, you cook,
any woman in the world is gonna want you. And
he said, he said, if there's anything that I would
have done differently, he said, I went apologize. He said, yeah, yeah,
I was out there slanging like that's what Kevin Gate
was saying. And I looked in the comments and Desmond
was like, my dog, you know, like, so I think
to answer the question. To answer the question, I think
a lot of times when when people have public relationships,
so there's a difference between being secretive and being private, right,
versus being public and you know what I'm saying, whatever,
whatever the opposite of secretive is, right. I think that
for a lot of people, the content becomes the relationship,
not the relationship, and so when that happens, that becomes
the main thing. When in actuality there are microaggressions and
things going on behind the scenes that make it so
that the relationship is at' not palbatable. So I think
that when people make content the main thing, the relationship suffers.
When they make the relationship the main thing and then
content is just a byproduct of what's going on, then
they win.
Speaker 2: But I think too that that's actually exactly what we're
talking about the illusion that content was the main thing. Like,
granted we're consumers of their relationship. We all know about
bulk filming. We just talked about this. Hell, I'm both
bulk filming right now, you know, like we talk. And
so I think that there is a way that, especially
in the content creator space, because first of all, one thing.
Speaker 1: Like Christia ogi of it. Like if y'all ever go back.
Speaker 2: On Christy's numbers and look at her reels, She's broken
the internet. Like every reel is hitting over a million views.
There's been I could say she's in the top one
percent of creators. Every single reel is hitting over a million,
which is why when he hit his platform, he hit
a million in thirty days. And I know because I
watch people I watch when shit start kicking off, right,
it can like that consumed their life because that's what
we saw online. And I don't quite know if content
was the main thing, but what I will say is
that some I could see how some of it confessed her.
Right there started to be times where she was like
snatching the flowers from him or like snatching the plate,
And I think that over time that could have an impact.
I'm not saying she was a disrespectful wife or she
emasculated him or anything like that, because I truly don't know.
But what I will say is that sometimes that I
could see how that impacted somebody's self esteem and somebody's
how they feel about how they feel respected in a
relationship when there's public acknowledgment.
Speaker 1: Of like just like, man, give me that right, you know.
Speaker 2: And so I don't really know, but I think that
for somebody I'm met for fourteen for it to just
even this to be kind of like a smooth storm
that's coming out, I think that.
Speaker 1: It's I would expect a little more rot to tie. Honestly.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean we were definitely about to find out
because well we but nineteen days in what's today in
the nineteen twenty one days and since since the announce
of the divorce, yeah, it's been. I mean I've definitely
seen relationships blow up on a different level, like from
the jump. It's just like so I think that for
the past.
Speaker 2: Few weeks, they it's been and it could be you know,
them really going back and forth. But they also she
posted a photo and he was in the likes. They
said that he was in the likes now. I also
think that there's a remnust of like just like this
man was fourteen that they met when they was man An.
Speaker 4: This is going back to what we was talking about
with the other girl. They were together.
Speaker 2: Sixteen years and it's really hard to grow in parallel
to know what you what I wanted at fourteen is
not what I want now. It's not to say that
Christy is not an amazing woman, but like, I ain't
trying to be funny, but it was that the one
and only since you was been fourteen or you know,
who knows what could have happened, But like everybody is
gonna be I could see if he's curious about life
and now he's just evolved into a new person and
just wanting to see to see more, Lord, and to.
Speaker 4: Be real, I mean, it's gonna be difficult for any
man to be involved with someone so young, so young
and go sixteen years without an infraction. Man, let's just
be real. Like again, this is not justifying it. I'm
just saying that more often than not, somebody he gonna
mess up somewhere, or somebody's gonna mess up in a relationship,
right because you're growing through a relationship.
Speaker 2: But you know what I also think, and this is
the last thing I'm gonna say about this, is that
I think that oftentimes when we find that men are
stepping out, immediately we immediately think that they just want
a new new Kuchi, right. We think that they just
wanted a new body, They just wanted to experience sex
with a new person. And it's like, no, I want
to experience new dates with somebody. I want to experience
how somebody else thinks I want to experience. Like once
I was with a church girl, was it like to
be like with somebody who's a little bit more adventurous?
Like what's it like to be with some like It's
not just the sex, it's the newness of new personalities,
new lifestyles. Like even like I dated a guy who
his family was like this way, like they grew up
with both parents in the household. Some people haven't experienced that.
So I think that it's not just you want to
hit something new. It's just like you're more curious about life,
and that's always to go to. It's like, oh, he
just wanted to have sex with somebody else, And I'm like, man,
you know how much how dynamic human beings are and
what you can learn just by experiencing other people and
when there's a death of it. He may not just
have been curious about being with another woman. He may
just be more curious about experiencing other dynamics with other
human beings that are walking this earth.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna say this, I'm gonna say this quickly. We're
gonna really find out what the dynamics of the separation
are when she pop out with a new nigga, when
she pops out with a new man, or she's found
publicly kissing somebody, right, because it's one thing for him
to be he's been the one that you know, he's
the bad boy in the situation, now you know what
I'm saying. And he's the one that already compromised a relationship.
But when she she probably hasn't been with nobody since
she was fourteen, when somebody else cracked, I'm telling you,
I'm telling you what I know. I'm telling you what
I know. That's when it's gonna stink for real, because
you got somebody that nobody else has probably touched since
she was fourteen, and another man is about to knock
the Mario and don't let it be a.
Speaker 2: Public She's going, she's going, Chris, let me say this,
Christy about to go rich and she's about to go.
She's about to go big and rich. I'm gonna tell
you that if she, if she didn't that that will
that would be looking the blindly and the blind picking
the same thing over again. Anyways, I digress. God bless them,
God bless their union. Make sure the kids are healthy
and safe. Anyways, and that's all for this episode of
There to See Us.
Speaker 1: See y'all next week