WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:06.000 My breath was already visible in the blue gray light 2 00:00:06.040 --> 00:00:08.599 a nearly April morning, cool but not cold enough to 3 00:00:08.679 --> 00:00:11.279 need gloves, the kind of morning that used to mean 4 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:13.439 both of us out the door, Eric nudging my shoulder 5 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:16.000 with a mock stern let's go sleepy head as I 6 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:19.519 fumbled from my laces. But lately I ran alone, retracing 7 00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:22.079 familiar loops past stollid split levels and lilac hedges in 8 00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:24.800 a neighborhood we hand picked after all those cramped apartment years. 9 00:00:25.480 --> 00:00:28.960 I thought it would feel victorious, Now it just felt quiet. 10 00:00:29.480 --> 00:00:31.399 I paused at the corner where the bakery opened its 11 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:33.960 windows and spring the smell of early morning bread bleeding 12 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:37.079 out onto the street we used to stop the sometimes 13 00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:40.280 matching sweatshirts and tangled hair. Claiming an almond corson let's 14 00:00:40.320 --> 00:00:43.079 not cook days, I snapped a picture of the summarized 15 00:00:43.079 --> 00:00:45.039 streaks of pink cutting through a shelf of clouds, and 16 00:00:45.079 --> 00:00:47.880 center to Eric with a little sun emoji. I waited 17 00:00:47.880 --> 00:00:50.200 for the quick red receipt, the habitual double tap, but 18 00:00:50.280 --> 00:00:53.000 the notification just sat there, the liveried and and acknowledged. 19 00:00:53.600 --> 00:00:55.399 By the time I finished my three mile loops, she 20 00:00:55.479 --> 00:00:57.359 is studding on to dead leaves from last fall. I'd 21 00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:00.159 almost convinced myself not to mind. He said he was 22 00:01:00.200 --> 00:01:02.159 hitting a gym eil lee before the crowd, you know 23 00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:04.799 how people hoped the squat rocks. In a slightly rushed voice, 24 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:08.040 he started using for logistics. Lately, the house was still. 25 00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:11.680 I let myself in squeak of the storm door, necessarily loud. 26 00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:15.400 His running shoes were lined up solemnly next to mine, untouched. 27 00:01:16.200 --> 00:01:18.959 I made coffee, exaggerating the noise in the kitchen, shuffling 28 00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:22.079 mugs and spoons as if he might materialize. But he 29 00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:25.200 was gone, or perhaps had never returned. After I fell asleep, 30 00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:29.400 the kitchen clock ticked with an annoying punctuality. I checked 31 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:33.400 my phone again, no reply. I told myself not to spiral. 32 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:37.120 This was just work, just stress, just life shifting a 33 00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:39.359 little as jobs got more serious than the years piled 34 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:43.760 up marriage. Every one said, is about riding out these seasons, priorities, 35 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:48.159 changing routines, overlapping, and sometimes pulling apart. I'd never expected 36 00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:50.400 it to feel so physically palpable, like a messing limb, 37 00:01:50.439 --> 00:01:53.680 sensation only in my chest. By seven thirty, it was 38 00:01:53.719 --> 00:01:56.439 shower hes still wet, absently smoothing out wrinkles in my 39 00:01:56.439 --> 00:01:58.239 work shirt, even though I had nowhere to be until 40 00:01:58.280 --> 00:02:00.959 my first video call. At nine, I scrolled our group 41 00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:03.959 chat idly, liking Ben's mem waiting for the old tempo 42 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:06.560 of brunch this weekend or any one up for Friday trivia. 43 00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:09.360 The time stamps felt accusatory old. The energy was from 44 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:11.919 a week ago, another error when I didn't worry about 45 00:02:11.919 --> 00:02:15.280 remind us O what I'd find if I opened Eric's phone. Eventually, 46 00:02:15.280 --> 00:02:17.759 I tex stood run after work instead, or want me 47 00:02:17.800 --> 00:02:19.879 to meet you at the gym. The message hovered for 48 00:02:19.919 --> 00:02:23.080 a long time, unsent, before I hit to leat. Instead, 49 00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:26.120 I typed Bagel's for breakfast. Were grabbing something after class 50 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:30.199 that felt safer. He'd started going to a group pay class, 51 00:02:30.280 --> 00:02:33.639 but never invited me. I'd asked once or twice, and 52 00:02:33.800 --> 00:02:36.280 he'd said, you'd hate it. It's all we're pulsing club 53 00:02:36.360 --> 00:02:40.319 music in burpees. That's probably true. I didn't press me 54 00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:43.159 suppressing a cloud of resentment had never had to manage before. 55 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:45.879 As I poured myself a second mug of coffee, I 56 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:49.159 replayed a lost real conversation, not a recitation of what 57 00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:51.280 time to set the alarm or quick? How was work? 58 00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:54.400 We'd both been so good at checkins, celebrating the odd 59 00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:57.199 little victories, is landing a big client contract, my getting 60 00:02:57.199 --> 00:02:59.840 a speaking slot at a conference. If I was honest. 61 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:03.159 Of course I was honest, wasn't I. I'd felt him 62 00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:05.800 drift starting months ago, after that winter stretch where he'd 63 00:03:05.800 --> 00:03:08.520 worked late, two or three nights a week. I remember 64 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:10.280 when Eric was the one hustling me at the door, 65 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:12.479 grinning as he stood over me with two steaming monks 66 00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:15.439 pre run coffee. His ritual. He made climbing a thing, 67 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:17.360 letting me choose which crack to try it on, which 68 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:20.439 weekends to book for scrambling upstate. He never cared if 69 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:23.199 I was slower on an ascent, never kept score. He 70 00:03:23.280 --> 00:03:25.360 made partner at his start up before he turned thirty, 71 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:27.080 and still remembered to tuck and notes him. I packed 72 00:03:27.120 --> 00:03:30.159 lunch when I had stressful client pitches. It was easy, 73 00:03:30.360 --> 00:03:32.439 so easy to call ourselves the thick coupled in our 74 00:03:32.439 --> 00:03:35.240 group of eight, the two of us in marching harnesses, 75 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.240 always over committed, always hosting post run brunches on our 76 00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:41.400 back deck. Most Sundays, the group was at our backs 77 00:03:41.400 --> 00:03:43.599 of groceries and the counter home roasted coffee in the 78 00:03:43.639 --> 00:03:46.960 chemx Benson from his hot sauce, making everyone cough. We'd 79 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.159 known Talia and been since those first grown and growed 80 00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:51.960 student years. Mark and his latest girlfrin cycling in and 81 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:55.000 out Lean, always showing up with flowers or gossip. The 82 00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:58.400 group text pinged with someone's milestone, someone's quitting sugar experiment, 83 00:03:58.479 --> 00:04:01.599 someone's latest half marathon obsession. It had been our Anka 84 00:04:02.240 --> 00:04:05.680 friends who doubled as teammates, camp stove companions and certified 85 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:08.879 gear nerds. The same group that cheered when Eric toasted 86 00:04:08.919 --> 00:04:11.280 me a little too proud at the state br War's 87 00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:14.080 raising his glass and spouting one of his bad puns. 88 00:04:14.759 --> 00:04:16.759 Someone snapped a photo I kept in my office, a 89 00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:19.360 moment that, looking at it now, seemed weirdly distant, like 90 00:04:19.399 --> 00:04:22.519 it belonged to people. I vaguely recognized. Maybe that's had 91 00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:25.199 these things always start, Not with something dramatic, just a 92 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:27.600 slow switch from us to me and him. I had 93 00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:29.680 always proud of myself on being the social glue, the 94 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:32.920 one email in itineraries, reserving campsites, corralling r S E. B. 95 00:04:33.720 --> 00:04:35.920 Eric was staddier the kind who listened more than he spoke, 96 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:39.240 who handled last minute drama without drama. Looking back, and 97 00:04:39.319 --> 00:04:41.680 here I really tried not to draw connections too sharply. 98 00:04:41.720 --> 00:04:43.720 I could see the gaps opening at montsel Eire when 99 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:46.040 I let a work deadline swallow a long planned atirup 100 00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:48.560 and he took it in stride. Had I been asleep 101 00:04:48.600 --> 00:04:51.560 at the wheel? Had I let myself get complacent, trusting 102 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:54.160 the story of our togetherness rather than attending to the details. 103 00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:56.959 I started thinking about all those litter ways. We were 104 00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:59.680 the reliable couple in never fighting in public, never sticking 105 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.079 one another, though with chors, always tagged in group posts 106 00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:04.439 as a unit. I rinsed my mug, putting it in 107 00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:07.800 the dishrusher with a precise click. Adult life routines and 108 00:05:07.879 --> 00:05:11.480 tensions so easily mistaken for genuine security, I told myself 109 00:05:11.480 --> 00:05:13.279 to shake it off. Kept waiting for one thing, a 110 00:05:13.319 --> 00:05:15.720 letto de tect, a joke at my expense, some tiny 111 00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:18.759 sign we were still in tune. I figured, when Eric returned, 112 00:05:18.800 --> 00:05:20.879 we'd share an inside joke about how early it was, 113 00:05:21.560 --> 00:05:24.439 but he didn't. Not that morning he was that the gym, 114 00:05:24.519 --> 00:05:27.480 a phrase that for reasons I refused to acknowledge, settled 115 00:05:27.480 --> 00:05:30.720 inside me like a stone. That afternoon, with my browser 116 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:34.079 eating up tabs of spreadsheets, I messaged Eric climbing plans 117 00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:36.959 this week. Mark was asking. It was a polite nudge, 118 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:39.439 asking my real question, are you still interested in the 119 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:42.800 things that make us us? His reply, nour later was clipped, 120 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:45.639 probably not the gym's giving me all the climbing I 121 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:48.600 need lately. Let's ring check. I stared at the blue 122 00:05:48.600 --> 00:05:51.839 bubble my fingers itch to ask for details. He'd been 123 00:05:51.879 --> 00:05:55.759 thus forthcoming about his routines, mouttering about new trainers, cool people, 124 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.040 but never naming names. Early on he talked about his 125 00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:03.199 Jim Buddies, now just the usual crew, almost evasively vague. 126 00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:06.199 A few days later I glanced at our laundry erk's 127 00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:08.839 chim shirts, but never any of our old favorite running gear, 128 00:06:08.920 --> 00:06:11.439 the stuff we used to fight over on Saturday mornings. 129 00:06:11.839 --> 00:06:13.920 When I put away his clean clothes, I found a 130 00:06:13.959 --> 00:06:16.759 receipt in a shorts pocket, not from his normal smooth 131 00:06:16.839 --> 00:06:19.120 stop a block from downtown, but a place across town. 132 00:06:19.160 --> 00:06:22.399 Pulsepar fourteen dollars for approaching smoothly, sixteen dollars for a 133 00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:25.480 performance ball in my head a cattle of the details. 134 00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.600 This place wasn't near his office or our house. Probably nothing, 135 00:06:29.639 --> 00:06:32.759 I told myself. Maybe he was networking, thus normal for 136 00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:35.920 his new client facing team. Still, when I mentioned the 137 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.240 smoothie bar at dinners at this one of those new spots, 138 00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:42.759 he just said, oh yeah, after alarm workout, no further story, 139 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:46.800 and then he pivoted, asking if I'd paid the water bill. Later, 140 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:49.639 when I caught him reading emails at midnight, fain screen 141 00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:53.319 tilted away from me. He shrugged my questions off work emergencies. 142 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:56.879 He said, people don't have boundaries any more. There was 143 00:06:56.959 --> 00:07:00.399 no reason, I reminded myself fiercely to doubt him. Friday 144 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:02.079 nights had been sack sank to take out from that 145 00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:03.959 place with the dim sum that always ran out to 146 00:07:03.959 --> 00:07:06.000 alley shared with a bottle of censor if one of 147 00:07:06.040 --> 00:07:08.839 us broke good news. Now Eric was tew tight or 148 00:07:08.920 --> 00:07:12.000 but with deadlines there was always some reason for less 149 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:14.639 and less of her. Just ue time. I finally found 150 00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:18.279 myself confiding in Lino while walking lapside the park, do 151 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:20.519 you think Eric's burned out? Or am I being clinging? 152 00:07:21.120 --> 00:07:23.920 My voice sounded shrill, betraying the anxiety. I tried to hide. 153 00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:27.000 Lena hesitated, flicking her gaze to where a terrier took 154 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:30.759 on its leash. Here seemed a little distracted lately, she admitted, 155 00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:33.800 But you're both crazy busy. That's all it is, fright. 156 00:07:34.519 --> 00:07:37.639 She offered a reassuring smile, but her tone waver. I 157 00:07:37.759 --> 00:07:39.680 was grateful for her support, but a seat of dun 158 00:07:39.720 --> 00:07:42.600 gnawed at me. That night, back home, I watched Eric 159 00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:45.040 at his desk, brows fur phone rigid in his hand. 160 00:07:45.959 --> 00:07:48.680 I told myself again that things were hectic, that everyone 161 00:07:48.680 --> 00:07:51.439 as cuckles of withdrawal. But when I changed for bed, 162 00:07:51.560 --> 00:07:54.439 our sheets fell colder than I expected. The next day, 163 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:56.399 I tried to rally our group for a climbing session. 164 00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:59.800 Something to punch a hole through the growing fog. Eric says, no. 165 00:08:00.040 --> 00:08:03.560 I texted the group, guess it's just us, Sir. Ben's 166 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:06.959 reply came quickly, We're out two. Raine ek Tailley added, 167 00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:10.480 we can host brunch next week. Instead, her message trailed off, 168 00:08:10.519 --> 00:08:14.040 as if she was retreating from even suggesting more. That weekend, 169 00:08:14.120 --> 00:08:16.720 after running errands, I passed the gym where Eric supposedly 170 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:19.839 spent most mornings. I slowed as I waited at the crosswalk, 171 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:23.720 glancing through the glass inside. Eric was at the counter laughing. 172 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:26.480 Next to him stood a tall woman I didn't recognize, 173 00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:29.759 long braided hair, a confidence in her posture. She handed 174 00:08:29.800 --> 00:08:33.080 him something, touching his elbow, Amanda. It turned out later, 175 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:34.559 though at that moment, all she was to me was 176 00:08:34.600 --> 00:08:37.200 a stranger, lit up by Eric's most relaxed smile. I 177 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:39.279 ducked down suddenly, and sure of why, I felt the 178 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:42.600 urge to evade detection. Eric didn't look toward the window. 179 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.679 I stood frozen for a moment, catalog in the easiness 180 00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:48.320 in his expression. Then the light turned and I hurried 181 00:08:48.360 --> 00:08:50.480 through the crosswalk, angry at myself for feeling like an 182 00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:53.519 intruder in my own life. That night, Eric came home 183 00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:57.600 aftery team drinks, he said, shaking off his coat, though 184 00:08:57.639 --> 00:09:00.279 it was a faint, unfamiliar citrus colone hovering around him, 185 00:09:00.279 --> 00:09:02.840 something not as usual. He dropped on to the sofa 186 00:09:02.840 --> 00:09:05.759 as already glazed. I handed him a beer. He barely 187 00:09:05.799 --> 00:09:10.080 acknowledged it. Scrolling through his phone, he didn't mention the gin. Later, 188 00:09:10.200 --> 00:09:12.799 I found our climbing gear in the hall closet. Our 189 00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:15.200 Altonus is stacked next to some new equipment of fresh 190 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:18.200 looking han still in its packaging. It wasn't my size, 191 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:21.440 It wasn't the size I recognized. I texted him, hey, 192 00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:23.919 bought new gear. His reply to a colf an hour 193 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:27.840 needed an upgrade of old ones basically retired. The tone 194 00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:31.240 was dismissive, almost wary. But we'd always picked up gear together. 195 00:09:31.879 --> 00:09:34.120 Sunday morning, I woke to the stub of Eric's credit 196 00:09:34.159 --> 00:09:37.279 caud's statement. Receipts crawled on the printer tray over the 197 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:39.879 past few weeks, smoothies, the gear shop, a brunch bought. 198 00:09:39.960 --> 00:09:41.840 Neither of us had tried a jazz bar. He'd never 199 00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:46.720 mentioned all small, innocent expenses maybe but not. I realized 200 00:09:46.799 --> 00:09:49.360 part of any story I had been told. I closed 201 00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:52.000 my laptop, mind spinning. When I tried to bring up 202 00:09:52.039 --> 00:09:55.360 plans for the following Friday, Eric shut me down, seriously, 203 00:09:55.639 --> 00:09:57.799 just stop keeping score. Can we just let each other 204 00:09:57.840 --> 00:09:59.879 breathe for a bit. His voice was sharp with the 205 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:02.080 it needed to be, and I flinched, feeling like I 206 00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:05.600 had stepped on some hidden minefield. Afterward, I convinced myself 207 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:10.159 that everyone needs space, that maybe I'd pushed too hard. Still, 208 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:13.960 I noticed things kept unraveling. At Taiale's birthday brunch, Eric 209 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:16.440 barely spoke. He sat at the end of the table, 210 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:19.120 scrolling on his phone, dodging any camera aimed our way. 211 00:10:19.759 --> 00:10:23.080 When I reached for his hand under the table, he stiffened. Talia. 212 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:25.720 Usually the life of any gathering seemed awkward, less inclined 213 00:10:25.759 --> 00:10:28.519 to meet my eyes. At one point, Ben murmured something 214 00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:31.200 I couldn't hear. When I approached, it fell suddenly Salen, 215 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:34.879 exchanging guilty looks. Later at night, I overheard the tail 216 00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:37.039 end of a phone call. Eric's voice, low measured in 217 00:10:37.080 --> 00:10:39.960 the hallway, closing the door behind him. I pressed my 218 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:42.200 ear to the wood, but cad only fragments, Yeah, no, 219 00:10:42.600 --> 00:10:45.559 she doesn't know soon, I think. My stomach twisted a 220 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:50.080 hundred plausible explanations dissolving, leaving nothing but speculation. I told 221 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:52.120 myself this was all ridiculous, that I was making a 222 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:55.600 mountain out of mismatched routine's and tive Friday nights. I 223 00:10:55.679 --> 00:10:58.039 tried to distract myself, jumped into an old text thread 224 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:00.360 with Lena, scrawled far enough back to one out. Drugs 225 00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:02.440 ran long, and my only complaint about Eric was that 226 00:11:02.480 --> 00:11:05.840 he hobbed the blanket. But even Lina's replies became vaguer, 227 00:11:05.960 --> 00:11:08.919 always an excuse why she couldn't catch up. She used 228 00:11:08.919 --> 00:11:12.039 to be my confidante about everything, my noted anxiety, Eric's 229 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:16.159 charming quirks, each group drama. Suddenly she was cautious, editing 230 00:11:16.159 --> 00:11:18.720 her words, ducking my indirect questions with woe. You know, 231 00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:22.080 everyone's just busy. One night, after another bout of insomnia, 232 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:24.559 I mapped out the last few weeks on paper, adding 233 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:27.080 up receipts, glancing at calendar events that didn't line up 234 00:11:27.080 --> 00:11:30.200 with Eric's explanations. There were late in charges next to 235 00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:33.159 restaurant receipts nights. He claimed to be swamped with deadlines, 236 00:11:33.159 --> 00:11:35.679 but was nowhere in sluck when I checked. I even 237 00:11:35.720 --> 00:11:38.279 considered stupidly whether I should hire someone, one of those 238 00:11:38.279 --> 00:11:42.200 shady investigators. But the mere thought made me shatterer. How 239 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.960 had I become someone who doubted her own partner? I 240 00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:47.720 watched our friends up close, searching their faces for truth. 241 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:50.919 Each interaction felt like a test marks too careful, Hay, 242 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:52.799 just checking in hope you were good with all these 243 00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:55.639 new routines. What routines? Why wouldn't I be give taily 244 00:11:55.679 --> 00:11:59.320 as awkward silences when climbing came up. Even Ben, usually 245 00:11:59.360 --> 00:12:01.399 the first to poke fun at anything, seemed to look 246 00:12:01.399 --> 00:12:03.759 away when I asked about the next trip. My own 247 00:12:03.799 --> 00:12:06.080 undidi became a force in the house, lingering at the 248 00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:09.120 dinner table, hovering above the unmade bed. I wanted so 249 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:11.240 badly for Eric to be annoyed with me, to roll 250 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:15.039 his eyes, to accuse me of overthinking. Instead, he retreated quietly, 251 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:17.200 showing up later and later as though he was simply 252 00:12:17.240 --> 00:12:20.159 tired of me without saying so. At work, I found 253 00:12:20.159 --> 00:12:22.759 myself sowing out during calls. My notes from client meetings 254 00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:25.320 so scattered that I had to reread them twice. I 255 00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:27.879 ate lunch at my desk, pretending to answer e mails, 256 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:30.720 but mainly lost in loops of memory and doubt. The 257 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:34.519 financial patterns kept mounting. Charges for climbing shops in Brooklyn 258 00:12:34.519 --> 00:12:37.000 Spall appointments now were on our mutual calendar, small sums, 259 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:39.679 but enough to make an impression. At one point I 260 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:41.720 saw a payment teb before box, not for me, not 261 00:12:41.799 --> 00:12:44.679 for our house. I told myself maybe he was planning 262 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:47.960 a surprise, even while I knew better. One Tuesday, I 263 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:50.519 got off early and decided to drive by Eric's Jim. 264 00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:52.840 It was barely four o'clock. On a whim, I thought 265 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:54.879 I might pop in, wave hello, play at being the 266 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:58.679 support of spouse. Across the parking lot, I saw Eric outside, 267 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:01.240 tossing a gin bag in his trunk. Next to him 268 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:03.679 stood the same tall woman, Amanda, in black leggings and 269 00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:05.840 a tank top, her hand on his elbows. They talked. 270 00:13:06.440 --> 00:13:09.120 They were laughing, their faces close together, closer than friends, 271 00:13:09.159 --> 00:13:12.240 closer than work out budies. I ducked behind a car, 272 00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:15.159 embarrassment and adrenaline spiking as I watched him gesture and 273 00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:18.240 immediately then opened the passenger door for her. They didn't 274 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:20.360 see me. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to sink 275 00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:22.879 into the pavement. When a Manda got in, he lingered 276 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:24.600 on the driver's side for a beat too long, then 277 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:27.840 drove off without every glancing back. My hands were shaking 278 00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:30.399 so badly. I texted Lena on Impulse, did you know 279 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.559 Eric's been coupling with his Jim friends. The reply was 280 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:36.799 almost immediate, no clue, haven't seen him at side group stuff. 281 00:13:36.879 --> 00:13:40.440 Everything good. I couldn't bring myself to answer that night. 282 00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:43.879 Ere Preston laid again. Sorry last minute work drinks climb 283 00:13:43.879 --> 00:13:46.519 from out of town. His hair was down from a shower, 284 00:13:46.679 --> 00:13:49.320 or perhaps from a workout. I tried to meet his 285 00:13:49.399 --> 00:13:51.039 eye as I handed him din there, but he barely 286 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:53.519 paused to thank me. Half an hour later he was 287 00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:56.759 lost in texts, smiling to himself, fingers moving furiously across 288 00:13:56.759 --> 00:13:59.720 the keyboard. Later, I made a show of folding laundry 289 00:13:59.720 --> 00:14:02.440 at the cake table, hoping for even a meaningless conversation 290 00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:06.200 to emerge. Instead, he left the room, muttering I've got 291 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:09.960 a call, be back soon, and disappeared upstairs. I lay awake, 292 00:14:10.120 --> 00:14:13.639 resentment boiling beneath the surface. I tried to think rationally. 293 00:14:14.240 --> 00:14:17.440 Was I turning into some jealous stereotape scrutinizing every movement. 294 00:14:18.039 --> 00:14:20.799 It didn't seem possible. Six months ago, I barely cared 295 00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:23.279 if he texted someone at two a m. Now I 296 00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:25.440 craved some kind of validation, and he signed that I 297 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:28.200 was still his person, still included in whatever new world 298 00:14:28.200 --> 00:14:31.000 he was building for himself. The next weekend, a brunch, 299 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:34.519 the atmosphere was so cautious it felt almost coryogruffed. Then 300 00:14:34.559 --> 00:14:38.200 and Tailor exchanged glances over Mimosa's mark cracked a joke 301 00:14:38.200 --> 00:14:40.440 about soul or climber is always looking for a nebelet 302 00:14:40.480 --> 00:14:43.639 partner with the sharpest That made taiey shusham. I smiled 303 00:14:43.639 --> 00:14:46.000 through it, all laughed on cue, but inside I registered 304 00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:48.120 every detailed, every hint that the people closest to us 305 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:50.960 knew something I did not. Half way through expended act 306 00:14:50.960 --> 00:14:54.080 Tilia turned the conversation to the upcoming half marathon. I 307 00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:56.879 mentioned our old climbing plants. Her eyes flickered toward Ben, 308 00:14:56.919 --> 00:15:00.519 whose hand closed over hers. The conversation shifted awkwardly to 309 00:15:00.559 --> 00:15:04.879 vacation destinations. Everyone suddenly invested in flight prices and hotel reviews. 310 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:08.159 When I excuse myself to the restroom, I heard Ben whisper, 311 00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:10.840 we can't tell it, it's not our place. Their voices 312 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:13.759 faded as I walked past. When I returned, the bill 313 00:15:13.879 --> 00:15:17.679 was already paid, everyone collecting coats. Later that day, Mark 314 00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:20.600 sent me a text, just wanted to remind your awes Jess. 315 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:23.240 Hope things are okay with you and Eric. It made 316 00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:26.360 my stomach flip. What did he think he knew? Was 317 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:29.519 this pity or guilt? I tried to act normal, mimicking 318 00:15:29.519 --> 00:15:32.000 our old routines, making Lasagnre on a Sunday night and 319 00:15:32.039 --> 00:15:34.879 pouring two glasses of wine. Eric accepted his with a 320 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:37.360 distracted smile, thanked me, but spent most of the meal 321 00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:41.039 scrolling his phone. When I mentioned group plans, he shrugged noncommittally, 322 00:15:41.679 --> 00:15:44.960 not really feeling it. Sorry, maybe next week. When I pressed, 323 00:15:45.080 --> 00:15:48.320 he snapped, drap it Jess. That night, unable to sleep, 324 00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:50.240 a scroll back through my own texts and d MS, 325 00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:53.279 I was searching for patents in Arbanta, timestamps of our 326 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:56.320 loustrial connection. The evidence all seemed to point toward the 327 00:15:56.360 --> 00:15:59.799 same dreary conclusion. We become too strangers, sharing logistical upbates, 328 00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:03.360 tending at normalcy in the darkness, I started a pros 329 00:16:03.399 --> 00:16:05.960 and CON's list in my head. Am I being needy? 330 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:08.480 Or is there really a rift? Did something happen that 331 00:16:08.519 --> 00:16:11.320 I missed? How would I know if something was truly wrong? 332 00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:15.360 The isolation grew. Our once constant circle of friends felt 333 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:17.519 suddenly distant, as if everyone was living in a different 334 00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:21.440 translation of the same story. Then midweek, Eric came home 335 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:24.080 late with flowers, lilies and sunflowers, the ones he knew 336 00:16:24.120 --> 00:16:26.559 I loved. I stared at them, too, surprised to be 337 00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:30.759 immediately pleased. He sat beside me surprisingly gentle. I know 338 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:32.559 I've been off late, late, he said, but I want 339 00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:34.240 you to know it's not if there's this huge account 340 00:16:34.279 --> 00:16:36.240 at work and I'm up for promotion. Didn't want to 341 00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:38.600 talk about it and jinx it. He glanced down at 342 00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:41.799 his hands, then back up. I'm sorry if I've been distracted. 343 00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:44.440 I want to do better. I was skeptical, of course, 344 00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:47.320 I heard how rehearsed it sounded. But then he offered, 345 00:16:47.639 --> 00:16:50.519 let's go out tomorrow, just us. Okay, fancy dinner, not 346 00:16:50.600 --> 00:16:53.799 a work thing. First, but second, I felt foolish for doubting. 347 00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:56.279 The next night, he made a reservation at a bistro. 348 00:16:56.399 --> 00:16:58.000 We both wanted to try over top as in a 349 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:01.759 bottled censer. He was almost himself. Conversation was light, touch 350 00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:05.720 was frequent. I laughed genuinely at his bad puns. We 351 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:08.480 went home, and awkwardly, almost shyly, we connected physically for 352 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:11.119 the first time in weeks. I drifted off with his 353 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:14.119 arms called loosely around me, wanting desperately to believe his 354 00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:16.079 story about work, stress, to trust that it was just 355 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:19.599 an unlucky season. The next morning, he was gone before sunrise. 356 00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:22.559 I pad it into the kitchen, hair and mess, expecting 357 00:17:22.559 --> 00:17:24.640 coffee already brewed the way he used to leave him 358 00:17:24.599 --> 00:17:27.440 mar gritty for me. Instead, I found only a note 359 00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:30.279 on the counter, barely called with the Agitiemo texts later, Sir, 360 00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:33.119 I made my own coffee. Then notice his laptop sitting 361 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:35.880 open on the kitchen table. He'd left a browser window 362 00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:39.640 minimized his phone buzzing somewhere far from reach. Feeling guilty 363 00:17:39.680 --> 00:17:42.880 but unable to resist, I click it open. There sandwich 364 00:17:42.920 --> 00:17:45.359 between him read work emails and new stories was a 365 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:49.119 half composed email addressed to Amanda. A scanned the first lines. 366 00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:51.279 I don't know whether I am making it worse by talking, 367 00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.559 but I can't stop thinking about last night. I want 368 00:17:53.559 --> 00:17:56.160 to do the right thing, but I feel stuck just 369 00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:59.079 below that another to have an article about infidelity counseling 370 00:17:59.279 --> 00:18:03.599 Steff's wark. A hot rush of adrenaline hit me. Suddenly. 371 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.000 Every explanation, every soothing's speech, every complaint about space and 372 00:18:07.119 --> 00:18:10.680 work stress sounded hollow and premeditated. There it was spelled out. 373 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:13.160 I stood for a long time in the silent kitchen, 374 00:18:13.160 --> 00:18:15.599 clutching my cup, feeling like the floor had shifted under me. 375 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:17.880 I wanted more than anything to go back to seventeen 376 00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:20.039 hours ago, to the dinner where I let myself believe 377 00:18:20.119 --> 00:18:22.319 for one last time that the only thing we lost 378 00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:26.440 was momentum. Everything felt too sharp, the morning sun, unfinished email, 379 00:18:26.480 --> 00:18:29.319 the scent of those lilies already over sweet. The deepest 380 00:18:29.359 --> 00:18:31.920 part of me knew whatever this was, it wasn't paranoia. 381 00:18:32.559 --> 00:18:34.880 But I also knew the truth still hovered just out 382 00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:39.000 of reach. I had only fragments, no confession, no undeniable proof, 383 00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:42.079 just a glimmering, painful, almost truth that threatened to turn 384 00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:45.359 my life on its side. And so, instead of confronting him, 385 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:47.480 instead of calling Lean, who I wasn't sure I trusted 386 00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:50.720 any more, I forced myself into motion, laundry, emails, groceries, 387 00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:53.359 anything to drown out the noise in my mind. But 388 00:18:53.440 --> 00:18:56.480 that day blowed bone fits and starts. I found myself 389 00:18:56.519 --> 00:18:59.480 compulsively checking Eric's text, never seeing any messages to a manda. 390 00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:03.599 Of course, he was careful. I tried to rehearse conversations 391 00:19:03.640 --> 00:19:07.680 in my head, accusitions, demands please for honesty. Each version 392 00:19:07.759 --> 00:19:10.279 ended with him either indignant or blank eyed, silent as 393 00:19:10.279 --> 00:19:14.319 a stone work became secondary. My brain played out scenarios obsessively. 394 00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:17.720 Did Amanda even know about me? Did our friends know? 395 00:19:18.440 --> 00:19:20.480 Every memory from the past few months was now full 396 00:19:20.519 --> 00:19:23.960 of angles. I hadn't seen shadows and photographs, moments had overlooked. 397 00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:26.240 It was as though the story of my marriage had 398 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:28.599 suddenly split into two narratives, and I was only now 399 00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:31.359 reading the footnotes. By evening, I was so drained and 400 00:19:31.400 --> 00:19:34.839 barely responded when Eric texted late meeting while grab take cut, 401 00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:38.640