1 00:00:10,519 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 1: Thursday nights always begin with the persistent scent of warm 2 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,239 oil and cresping tortillas off food truck nor it is 3 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,600 hunched over the sidewalk beneath the halogen city lamp. The 4 00:00:18,679 --> 00:00:20,719 Chris Portland air already thick with the promise of rain 5 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,079 and tonight, just like last week, I'm elbowed deep in 6 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:25,280 a plastic tub of house made salsa when Amy's phone, 7 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,440 her personal cell, the one with the chip lavender caisse 8 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,480 and the screen always black on the counter, buzzes against 9 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,079 the truck's window shelf. She doesn't look at me when 10 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:35,200 she answers, doesn't even tipper chin my way. There's a 11 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,079 tiny beat of silence after she says Hi, Yeah, I'll 12 00:00:38,119 --> 00:00:40,240 head out soon, and then the phone snapshut with an 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,640 efficiency that punches out any chance for a follow up. 14 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:45,799 Her apron stain in three distinct places, old pico de gallo, 15 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,200 some tomatillow green across the hem, and what might have 16 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,359 been the shadow of chilli oil if she hadn't wiped it. 17 00:00:51,039 --> 00:00:53,280 I'm still rinsing my hands off when she enties it 18 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,960 with quick, nervous fingers, I'll do the supplier run. Amy 19 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,880 calls over her shoulder, the april drizzle already dotting her hairs, 20 00:01:00,079 --> 00:01:02,759 steps backward out of the truck's back hatch, just the 21 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,359 usual Thursday pick up. I'll be home before nine. Want 22 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,079 anything for dinner? Maybe Raymond. She's not quite making eye contact, 23 00:01:09,239 --> 00:01:11,799 busy gathering stray cor keys and keeping her gaze carefully 24 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,959 fixing the neon puddle of city street outside the food truck. 25 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,439 Register is still open, bills peeking out over the rim, 26 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,439 but she doesn't touch it, her walls already stuffed into 27 00:01:20,439 --> 00:01:23,159 her purse or phone cradled in her palm. For a second, 28 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,719 I think task wont to split, need help with the 29 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:28,680 heavy stuff, But the question dies somewhere in my throat 30 00:01:29,359 --> 00:01:32,680 before supplier runs rour little adventure. I stood for sidewalks, 31 00:01:32,719 --> 00:01:35,040 half awake at seven a m cradling Cheat gas station 32 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,439 coffee and arguing about the best moll vendors in the city. Before. 33 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,519 I always knew which farms she was headed to, who 34 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,519 should see on a given day, which backdoor to look 35 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,079 for on a sunlit warehouse to night, though there's no 36 00:01:45,159 --> 00:01:47,760 mention of where she's going, no order sheets taped to 37 00:01:47,799 --> 00:01:50,840 her phone case, no delivery van Idling at the courb 38 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,280 She simply slides into her weather creased hand to civic, 39 00:01:53,319 --> 00:01:55,319 the one with the faded eat local window decal, and 40 00:01:55,359 --> 00:01:57,640 makes her ride out of the lot. The red glow 41 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,959 of her tay light shutters and the rainsmeared street and batish. 42 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,280 I wipe down the counters in silence, fingers sticky with 43 00:02:03,359 --> 00:02:06,599 dried cilanterer. By the time I finished stacking sauce containers 44 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,840 and lugging the spent drum of Friar agrees to the alley. 45 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,680 I expect her to call to say she's running late 46 00:02:10,759 --> 00:02:13,280 or she needs help with cases. When my own phone 47 00:02:13,319 --> 00:02:16,080 buzzes Eddy fifteen, it's only a push notification from our 48 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,280 share calendar, pracked tammels for Friday mart. She comes in 49 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,000 just before nine cheeks, too rare for her usual draft, 50 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,280 hair rumpled at the crown as if some one else's 51 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,680 hands have been at her scalp. There's not a single 52 00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:29,960 new box under her arm, no crates or plastic bag 53 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,879 stuff of produce, not even a waxy wax paper sleeve 54 00:02:32,879 --> 00:02:35,719 from a bakery. She's in the same genes but changed out. 55 00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:38,719 How works shureffeur of black sweater, her scent heads before 56 00:02:38,719 --> 00:02:41,159 she scissoror not the almond tang of dish soap, not 57 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,919 sweat or chaput lay or anything warm, but something syrupy 58 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,800 and sharp, sweet, almost floral, but darker underneath, like Hannie 59 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,000 with a strange musky dip. The cut with a trace 60 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,800 of Cologni. Can't blaze. She drapes her coat over a 61 00:02:52,879 --> 00:02:56,400 chair before I can say anything. Everything's sorted. They'll invoice us. 62 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,800 I swallow hard, No deliver is to day. She tosses 63 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,719 her hair too quickly. Supplio was backed up. I just 64 00:03:03,759 --> 00:03:07,120 handled paperwork. We'll get the boxes dropped off tomorrow later. 65 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,199 When I crawl into bout, that sun is so strong 66 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,960 it crowds out everything, freud, sheets, even sleep. But by 67 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,039 morning her side is cold. Before all this, things felt 68 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,680 simple for maybe two years, Treat. It was just me 69 00:03:17,759 --> 00:03:19,800 and Emmy, side by side under the humming florescence of 70 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,960 our borer kitchen, the two of us stitching our lives 71 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,879 together through the shared rhythms of flyer heat and coffee fumes. 72 00:03:25,479 --> 00:03:27,879 She always set the playlist Datis Coumbia's and Indy Folk, 73 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,840 and for a few hours each morning, with the city 74 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,120 baily waking, it felt like we were sealed inside our 75 00:03:32,199 --> 00:03:35,719 unwarm world. Onion peels stuck to her elbows. She wink 76 00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,639 at me across the prep table and maff the course 77 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,639 to some sun I had forgotten, and the only future 78 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,560 we really needed was the next order's slip. Running nort 79 00:03:42,599 --> 00:03:45,000 was supposed to be all about togetherness, about partners, and 80 00:03:45,039 --> 00:03:48,400 something that was ours. Every milestone we celebrated our first 81 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,080 glowing yelper view, a little friend clipping from the magazine's 82 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,199 bread meant another market that this was real, that we 83 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,199 were eagles. Amy wore blue nail polish the week we 84 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,479 bought our second fry and left smudges of it on 85 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,800 every ledge, a page we filled out the seat. We 86 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,800 had a rhythm for bookwork. One of us would start 87 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,599 the tally, the other would check the math, and in 88 00:04:04,639 --> 00:04:07,639 the offires we'd share greasy styropham takeout in the living room, 89 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,599 half watching whatever show happened to be on. Our trust 90 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,199 was the whole backbone, everything in the open, all calls 91 00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:16,240 and texts and schedules in a single Google calendar. If 92 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,120 something came up, we both heard about it. We both 93 00:04:18,199 --> 00:04:20,560 showed up. If one of us closed out late, the 94 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,519 other came no matter how cold the street of how 95 00:04:22,519 --> 00:04:25,560 long the line? So when Amy announced out of nowhere 96 00:04:25,639 --> 00:04:28,439 late one Wednesday night that Thursday Runs would be hers alone, 97 00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:31,399 I should have said something stronger. She'd pulled the notebook 98 00:04:31,399 --> 00:04:33,480 from under her pillow, flipping past a mess of scribbled 99 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,199 recipes and cost notes. I'm just going to take care 100 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,319 of Thursdays on my own. The drafts long, and they 101 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,560 only want to work with me. Less confusion that way. 102 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,399 I couldn't wrap my head around it. Not after three 103 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:47,319 years of splitting runs. I half laughed. Since when does 104 00:04:47,399 --> 00:04:51,839 Jalisco Foods or whoever not want more business? It's not Jaliscoe. 105 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,519 It's a new supplier, no further detail. She tucked a 106 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,480 col behind her ear. A habit she only does win 107 00:04:57,519 --> 00:04:59,879 nervous and focused in the watermark in the ceiling plaster. 108 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,800 I can come if you want. I offer as much 109 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,560 out of habit as anything else. She shook her head 110 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,920 too sharp. No, it's easier for everyone if I just 111 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,680 take care of it. Trust me. She started scalling through 112 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,000 her full messages, flicking past faster than I could read 113 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,800 the previews. I caught a flash of looking forward it 114 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:19,879 before the locks green blinked on after she turned off 115 00:05:19,879 --> 00:05:21,959 a lamp. She kept her phone clutched against her side 116 00:05:21,959 --> 00:05:25,480 beneath the covers. That was the first fracture, the first 117 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,319 time she nudged me out of the kitchen, a little 118 00:05:27,319 --> 00:05:29,839 crack in the tempo of our routine, but I let her. 119 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,360 It was a small ask, and she'd never given me 120 00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,319 a reason not to believe her before. The following Thursday 121 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:39,000 played out almost identically. We wrapped early, lined, dwindling with 122 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,720 the rain. She checked her phone before I even finished 123 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,639 shucking the lost onions. I'm gonna run and grab the 124 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,279 new order, she announced. Keys already in hand. Need a hand, 125 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,279 I asked, more hopeful than anything. She waved a dismissive hand. 126 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,399 I've got it. I'll call if it's anything big. She 127 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,360 didn't make it sound like an invitation. That night, at 128 00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,360 just passed nine, she came in wearing an u scoff, 129 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,079 a blue silk one I had never seen before, and 130 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,160 the same strange scent wafted around her. This time. I 131 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,319 watched as she flinched away from my hug, claiming she 132 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,839 was just sticky from all the fruit crates. I checked 133 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,720 the kitchen in the morning. No new honey, no new boxes. 134 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,839 No sign of a delivery. When I asked, she shrugged, 135 00:06:15,879 --> 00:06:18,879 bare faced. They'll bill us. Didn't have to hold anything 136 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,680 to day. Amy's receipts folder for the week was blank. 137 00:06:22,439 --> 00:06:25,240 That's when I noticed her phone habits changing too. She 138 00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:27,600 started tucking her screen away when I'd walk into the room, 139 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,879 a slow shuffle at first, typing with one hand while 140 00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:33,160 spooning sauce with the other. More and more little pings 141 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,279 went off. After midnight, I'd wake up to the pale 142 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:38,120 blue flash and find her shoulders, hunch face, illuminated by 143 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,319 whatever text bread she kept clothes. One night, while we 144 00:06:41,399 --> 00:06:43,480 lay together, her already curled towards the wall, I heard 145 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,439 her laugh, softly, sharp and private at something honors Green. 146 00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:49,439 I propped myself on one elbow, trying for a casual 147 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,959 what's so funny? She snapped her paone shut, not pausing 148 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,519 for air. Just something for Marissa meme about pickled carrots. 149 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,000 I waited for her to show me, she rolled over instead. 150 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,240 At times it felt like she was erasing me on purpose. 151 00:07:03,879 --> 00:07:06,160 One evening, at a small business mixer with all the 152 00:07:06,199 --> 00:07:09,360 familiar faces from surrounding cats and trucks, she excused herself 153 00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:12,600 made conversation to take a call outside. The room was packed, 154 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,399 everyone shouting recommendations for the best late night dormant spot, 155 00:07:15,439 --> 00:07:17,480 And for a while I just drifted, draw tight from 156 00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:19,600 one clump of people to another, until I caught sight 157 00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:22,000 of her outside coat hunched up, hand pressed tight to 158 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,959 her ear inside A man hovered by the back wall 159 00:07:24,959 --> 00:07:26,920 at all Angele guy whose names sat in the back 160 00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:30,360 of my mind unclaimed. His eyes kept flicking in our direction. 161 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,439 His stance shifting tense, caught my ear. For some reason, 162 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,000 he looked like he was waiting for someone. When Emmy returned, 163 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,959 her face was flushed and she kept her hand woven 164 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,079 through her hair, smoothing flyaways. She avoided the man as 165 00:07:42,079 --> 00:07:44,279 she ducked back in angling her body away from the bar. 166 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,959 We left early that night, me with a headache, how 167 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,720 texting under the dashboard glow all the way home, I 168 00:07:49,759 --> 00:07:53,680 started second guessing everything. I called the regular supplier, Jalisco 169 00:07:53,759 --> 00:07:56,360 Fruits on a Tuesday, just to confirm our next pickup. 170 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:00,000 Jalisco's manager, Val sounded confused when I asked about off 171 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,240 fires Thursday meetings. We don't do after ires for anyone, 172 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,160 she said. He two always come together in the mornings. 173 00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:08,439 Haven't seen either of you for two weeks. This something 174 00:08:08,519 --> 00:08:11,759 up A question landed like a doll blay. My answer 175 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,839 was a mumbled no, just double checking schedule stuff before 176 00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:17,199 I made up an excuse to hang up. When Amy 177 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,800 came home that night, I asked her straight out, which 178 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,639 supplier have you been meeting Thursdays? I called Jalisco. They 179 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,079 don't do runs after ires, she exhaled loudly, more annoyed 180 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:30,079 than guilty. It's not Jealuscoe. It's complicated. Look, I'm sorting 181 00:08:30,079 --> 00:08:31,879 it out. Can you just trust me for a minute. 182 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,679 She was already halfway down the hall, not waiting for 183 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,000 a reply. From then on, our intimacy started to slip 184 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:41,879 away by degrees. In bed, she claimed headaches, exhaustion, or 185 00:08:41,879 --> 00:08:44,120 early morning's always something that let her turn just enough 186 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,000 out of reach. She stopped leaning against me on the couch. 187 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,159 Her hougs at the end of long wek days became perfunctory, 188 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,039 one arm things with a stiffness I didn't recognize. One morning, 189 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,759 rifling through the laundry basket for an apron, I paused 190 00:08:56,759 --> 00:08:59,279 at her lips to extained smudge and the sash. The 191 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,639 red was richer and bolder than anything Amy wore. Her 192 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,720 usual was a pinkish coral or clear gloss, something barely there. 193 00:09:05,399 --> 00:09:08,480 I pinched the cloth between my fingers at syrupy, spicy, 194 00:09:08,519 --> 00:09:11,559 sent rising again, and folded it under her pillow. She 195 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,840 never mentioned it. Sometimes in the truck she laughed too 196 00:09:14,879 --> 00:09:17,399 loudly with certain customers, a bubbling, easy sort of laugh 197 00:09:17,399 --> 00:09:19,720 I had inherit from her in ages at home. She 198 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,639 brightened when a few regulars came by, specially toll men 199 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:24,519 with easy hands and taste for our fruit based dog 200 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:28,000 was frescas. Each time she'd smile a little wider, lean 201 00:09:28,039 --> 00:09:30,519 a little closer. If I tried to joke or tease 202 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:33,159 with her, she clamp up, glancing at her phone, always 203 00:09:33,159 --> 00:09:35,559 acting like she was chasing a schedule. I couldn't see. 204 00:09:35,919 --> 00:09:37,919 As much as I tried, I couldn't get back and 205 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,720 sync with her. It started with little things. No more 206 00:09:40,759 --> 00:09:43,240 splitting up the end of the deposits, no more shared 207 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,919 supply or listape to the fridge, no more scribbled recipe. 208 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:49,080 T Weeks passed back and forth on napkins or evenings 209 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,679 became parallel lines, each of us scrawling through our own 210 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:54,399 screens and separate corners of the couch, pretending we couldn't 211 00:09:54,399 --> 00:09:57,240 feel the weight in the air. Once, while turning out 212 00:09:57,279 --> 00:09:59,000 the truck for a deep clean, I came across a 213 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,480 food truck inventory slo it dog eared and frayed at 214 00:10:01,519 --> 00:10:03,960 the edge on the shelf above the register. On the 215 00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:07,039 back in Amy's leapy determined hand was a needying list 216 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,519 of dates, all Thursdays, stretching back about two months. Next 217 00:10:10,519 --> 00:10:13,399 to each was a pair of initials jay W. I 218 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,639 waited until her next early night turned to bring it up. 219 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:17,559 Holding the slip in my fists, she dumped her keys 220 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:21,240 in the table. Who's jay W? I tried and failed 221 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,440 to sound casual. Her eyes narrowed for the brief a second, 222 00:10:24,519 --> 00:10:27,519 and then she smoothed her face. Joana Worth, he runs 223 00:10:27,519 --> 00:10:29,840 a beekeeping co op. They do small batch honey. Figured 224 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,039 it could be good for a summer special. Thursday meetings 225 00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:34,519 are just for taste testing. I forgot to mention it before. 226 00:10:34,559 --> 00:10:38,000 But it's no big deal, she watched me, unblinking. You 227 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,120 want to try the honey, I can ask for a sample. 228 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:43,399 The explanation was half convincing, just enough to loosen the 229 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,360 knot in my chest, But as she shifted the topic 230 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,159 cart to what we should order for dinner. I felt 231 00:10:47,159 --> 00:10:49,919 they need settle right back in her phone pinged again 232 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,440 that night, a little after midnight. When I rolled over 233 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,480 to watch her, she just tipped with her lower lippins 234 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,600 between her teeth, blanketing herself, tied her so I could 235 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,440 only see the glow effected in the window. Every Thursday 236 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,200 bled into the night, each one feeling down near identical 237 00:11:02,279 --> 00:11:04,519 Emmy rushing out with her phone snug in her fist, 238 00:11:04,639 --> 00:11:07,399 coming back with nothing but that syrup sweet musky sent 239 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,639 in her hair in a different scoff old letstickle jacket 240 00:11:09,639 --> 00:11:11,639 each time, never a cart in our invit or any 241 00:11:11,639 --> 00:11:14,039 proof she'd even see in a supply at night. For 242 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,919 a stretch, I tried to top myself down. I forced 243 00:11:16,919 --> 00:11:19,639 as much trust into myself as I could muster. Maybe 244 00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:22,320 she really did have a new order system. Maybe the 245 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,639 honey deal would land as on some Best of Portland 246 00:11:24,799 --> 00:11:27,600 summer list. But then why did all the secrets see, 247 00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:31,039 why no supplier willing to confirm? Why did she keep 248 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,120 so much to herself, and why did her body color 249 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,039 away from mine? More and more until I started feeling 250 00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:37,840 like a gusta my own tiny apartment. The only thing 251 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,639 that kept me saying was work, the threading music of 252 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:42,559 cutting boards, the familiar lattice of steam and prep routines. 253 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,279 Our clothes and checkers stayed the same, our rotation schedule untouched. 254 00:11:46,279 --> 00:11:48,519 But the center was gone, hollowed out in tender, and 255 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,759 I kept freeplaying every Thursday, like an off Keay song 256 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,600 on a short lip. Every so often Amy would look 257 00:11:53,639 --> 00:11:55,440 up from her phone and for a heart beat seemed 258 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,840 like she might say something, some confessional, some reason that 259 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,840 would make it all of it. But the moment all 260 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,080 slipt away, replaced by a hustle for the door, or 261 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,279 Hannahl ready on her keys, her eyes getting past me, 262 00:12:04,399 --> 00:12:06,919 like I'd become just another part of the background. It 263 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,919 was a kind of slow suffocation. The more evidence I gather, 264 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,840 the less certain I felt. Was I inventing all of this? 265 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,320 Was it possible for someone to love you and look 266 00:12:15,399 --> 00:12:17,960 right for you at the same time. One Thursday, at 267 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,679 the tail end of May, when the sky smeared dis 268 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,120 slate gray at six and never ladened again, I finished 269 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,080 clean up alone. Amy was gone before I'd finished refilling 270 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,600 the hot saucepins. She texted, running late with the supplier 271 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,000 lovey you, but nothing else. That night, I lay in bed, 272 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,919 counting the whirrs of the heater, searching for the scent 273 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:36,679 of honey on her pillow. It was there, just faint 274 00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,759 enough to make me angry, a trace of something sticky, 275 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,519 sweet and not at all irons. By then, even our 276 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:44,840 regulars had noticed a shift War's amy to day. They'd 277 00:12:44,879 --> 00:12:46,720 ask when she'd vanished from her end of the line, 278 00:12:47,039 --> 00:12:48,840 or eatwo fighting if we weren't joking the way we 279 00:12:48,919 --> 00:12:52,279 used to while hustling out orders, I'd make excuses she's 280 00:12:52,279 --> 00:12:55,159 sorting some new vendor stuff or just slammed with books. 281 00:12:55,759 --> 00:12:59,080 They'd nod, but their eyes lingered and convince. I scrolled 282 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,279 through our shared callander, obsessively looking for clues an unloped meeting, 283 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,720 a cryptic shorthand anything that would pin down what she 284 00:13:04,799 --> 00:13:07,720 was actually doing. But the entries were always vague. There 285 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,039 as they pick up meet jay, w or to honey, 286 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,200 test batch, confirm at bar. At first, the word bar 287 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,360 flickered by and I ignored it, assuming it was a 288 00:13:15,399 --> 00:13:18,679 miskey someone's rushed typo, a casual venue for supplying meet ups. 289 00:13:19,279 --> 00:13:20,840 But the more I thought about it, the more it 290 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,519 gnawed at me. Why a bar for ingredients? Every supply 291 00:13:24,559 --> 00:13:26,679 of meeting we'd ever had was at a warehouse, a cafe, 292 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,039 maybe a marketplace stall. Once I tried to bring up 293 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,080 testing the waters during a low between rushes. Hey, do 294 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,879 you want me to check out that honey you mentioned? 295 00:13:34,919 --> 00:13:38,480 I could meet Jay w next week? She stiffened, hands, 296 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,320 flinching at the lime she was slicing. No, I've got it. 297 00:13:41,399 --> 00:13:43,399 He's picky about who he sells to. I'll pitch you 298 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,919 on it when the time comes. She looked right at me, 299 00:13:46,039 --> 00:13:48,320 her face set and polite, distant patience, the same custom 300 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,960 of service mask she wore with bushy distributors. Stop worrying, 301 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,039 were good. A couple of times I fantasized about just 302 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,519 following her. I pictured myself in the civic shadow, watching 303 00:13:58,519 --> 00:14:00,519 as she drove somewhere out of the city, ducking into 304 00:14:00,519 --> 00:14:03,080 a side door at some industrial park, trading paperwork and 305 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,360 taste test phials with a bearded hippie in overalls. Each 306 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,679 time I told myself it would amount to nothing, that 307 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,960 I was just being paranoid. But then on another Thursday, 308 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,080 layed in June, she came back even later, her face, 309 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,519 shining eyes gussie. Her clothes reeked of the same syrupy, 310 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,440 deep sweet odor, But now there was another layer beneath wine, 311 00:14:20,519 --> 00:14:24,240 maybe as something sharp, floral, almost peppery. I caught a 312 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,039 flush of red lipstick on her neck, smudged to the collarbone. 313 00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:29,600 The next morning, she left her apron drate over her 314 00:14:29,679 --> 00:14:32,600 dining chair. I picked it up, turning over in my hands, 315 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,559 tracing the lipstick mark. I pressed my nose to the cloth, 316 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,360 that strange, sweet, heavy smell, clinging as stubbornly as glue. 317 00:14:39,799 --> 00:14:41,720 I dropped the apron back onto the chair and sat 318 00:14:41,759 --> 00:14:44,440 elbows on knees until my jaw ache from grinding my teeth. 319 00:14:45,039 --> 00:14:47,039 Just then, her phone buzzed from the bedroom, on bright, 320 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,159 insistent chime. Might come to dread. I listened, shoppy Amy 321 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,120 shuffled out, unlocked it, and wandered witlessly into the bathroom, 322 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,960 her voice low and muffled as she answered. She didn't 323 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,399 close the door, just pulled a nearly shut, so all 324 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,639 I heard was a steady, secret murmur of her breath. 325 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,519 For the rest of the day, she avoided me. If 326 00:15:03,519 --> 00:15:06,039 I spoke, she answered in fragments, can you get onions? 327 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:10,200 A check of friar oil. Everything deflected. That night, as 328 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,279 she stood at the sink, water running too hot over 329 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,679 her hands. I set the apron on the counter beside her, 330 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:20,240 whose lipstick She flinched barely, then shrugked, sampled new honey. 331 00:15:20,279 --> 00:15:22,639 The supply is wife sell's beauty products on the side. 332 00:15:22,679 --> 00:15:25,399 I tried to shade, got clumsy. She didn't look at 333 00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:26,840 me as she rinsed the plate off and said, it 334 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,559 dripping onto the rack. Don't get weird about it. When 335 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,399 I laid beside her that night, her back was a 336 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,559 ninch father from mine than usual, a cold line of 337 00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:37,840 space stretching between us. If I confronted her, she always 338 00:15:37,879 --> 00:15:40,519 had some patchwork story, a friend's joke, a sales pitch, 339 00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:43,399 a marketing scheme, and it was never clear enough to 340 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,519 pin it down, never soft enough to feel like the 341 00:15:45,519 --> 00:15:48,879 whole truth. Each explanation left out something where she'd really been. 342 00:15:48,919 --> 00:15:50,840 Who she laughed with at two a m. Why no 343 00:15:50,919 --> 00:15:53,320 honey ever showed up? Why I was suddenly supposed to 344 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,679 believe that our life, our business, our partnership was stronger 345 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,480 for shutting me out. Still, I kept trying to catch 346 00:15:59,519 --> 00:16:02,679 her in a slow, our shared world, once so easy 347 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,759 and open had become a fout of half ouncers and 348 00:16:04,759 --> 00:16:08,120 closed doors, and every story password, every late night chuckle 349 00:16:08,159 --> 00:16:10,399 behind a lofted bathroom, every linger and smell that didn't 350 00:16:10,399 --> 00:16:14,279 fit the ordinary sparked another argument inside my chest. Thursday 351 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,960 nights deepened in the ache, accumulating new layers of suspicion. 352 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,919 Each week, the city seemed to conspire with her secrecy. 353 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,679 Shadows longer at the rain, more persistent, street lights dimmer, 354 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,879 my own footsts muffled, as if I was moving deeper 355 00:16:24,879 --> 00:16:27,799 into someone else's story. I started to feel as if 356 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,639 I was the one being erased. I started to feel 357 00:16:30,639 --> 00:16:33,159 as if I was the one being erased. The worst 358 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,200 part wasn't anger. It was drifting Mo's mornings. I'd moved 359 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,399 through our kitchen as if following someone else's choreography, muscle memory, 360 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,559 snapping my body through every routine ye at the center, 361 00:16:42,559 --> 00:16:44,679 at the spark. All the fun and easy rhythm between 362 00:16:44,759 --> 00:16:47,360 us was flattening out into something more like groake choreography 363 00:16:47,399 --> 00:16:51,200 and partnership. It started with the silences, then built into walls. 364 00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,919 Thursday crept up the city's silver drizzle, looking every edge, 365 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,399 and I was operating on nothing but habit, prepping mossa humming, 366 00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,960 watching the clock more than I should have. At three 367 00:17:01,039 --> 00:17:03,399 forty while before our usual clean up call, Amy was 368 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,440 already shoving her street us back on. All the energy 369 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,880 she used to pour into the counter, cracking jokes, tweaking 370 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:13,000 spice mixes was gone, replaced by restless glances at her phone. Hey, 371 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:16,480 I can close up if you want. I tried too soft. 372 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,839 It was just as in a cab for essin hum 373 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:22,039 around US City, since pouring in the registered drawer was 374 00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:25,680 already ZiT shot. Her apron was white folded, not hanging 375 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,799 like usual. But she didn't answer, just fix something out 376 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,720 of her pose with a practiced little twists and thunder 377 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,000 in a new text, her lips twitching while she waited 378 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,960 for the reply. Finally, she grinned a flush of teeth 379 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,559 she tried to swallow. I found my voice. He's texting, 380 00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:45,400 she stilled. J W, she said flat. He's confirming meeting 381 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,960 at the i'll tap room. Sometimes they keep honey batches 382 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,480 and kegs. More temperature control or something. Anything you want 383 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,960 me to ask. I was pushing it, but needed to 384 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,799 hear something, anything real. She shook her head quickly, forcing 385 00:17:57,799 --> 00:18:00,640 a smell. Naw, I'll do tasting. Note, you just get 386 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,960 home early. I'll bring takeout for a second. She lingered 387 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,480 there in the doorway, neither of us moving. The rain 388 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,640 had let up, her hair still damp against her neck. 389 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,519 She seemed poised to say something. Her gaze flickered to 390 00:18:11,519 --> 00:18:13,559 my mouth, then back to the phone. But whatever it 391 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,559 was she pocketed it, swung out the door, and the 392 00:18:15,559 --> 00:18:18,039 hatch clan shut. Before I knew she was gone. I 393 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:20,039 watched her out the window, just a shape under a 394 00:18:20,039 --> 00:18:22,680 city lamp, hurrying to the civic I could see the 395 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,559 blue scoff tied loose at her neck. She fiddled with 396 00:18:25,599 --> 00:18:29,240 her phone, laughing, stopped, then called someone. I leaned closer. 397 00:18:29,799 --> 00:18:32,640 The rain twisted her voice into static, but her face, eager, open, 398 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,279 was softer than I'd seen it for weeks. The joy 399 00:18:35,319 --> 00:18:37,759 on her lips was surgical, precise, and it made by 400 00:18:37,759 --> 00:18:40,480 all rise. I stayed cleaning until every inch of the 401 00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,599 truck gleamed above the smell of lysol. Too tense to 402 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,440 sit still, too exhausted to fully admit apathetic i'd become. 403 00:18:46,039 --> 00:18:48,720 When I finally trudged home, the window was dark and empty. 404 00:18:49,279 --> 00:18:51,839 I roasted in silence, reapling it all the scarf, the 405 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,079 way she smiled for her phone, the apologetic tilt of 406 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:56,920 her shoulders as she shut the hatch. I't ate fifty 407 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,000 four ride on time. As always. She came in, cheek 408 00:18:59,039 --> 00:19:01,920 shining and hair pulled up to rough bond. No takeout, 409 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,920 no honey, no conversation. She kissed my forehead automatically and 410 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,440 went straight to the sharer, left alone with her purse 411 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,799 on the table. I have it by it. I shouldn't have, 412 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,920 but I did die and zipped it just enough to peek. Nothing, 413 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,680 no evidence, not even a straynkin or a bottle gilt 414 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,759 prickled inside me, so I zipped it up and stared 415 00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:24,400 at the rainy window instead, feeling small. Friday was supposed 416 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,920 to be our Rosette day we do rarely, bakery pick 417 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,079 up together, then dive into a round of Sausa's and 418 00:19:29,079 --> 00:19:32,599 fried batch testing, low key, arguing over salt. That Friday, 419 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,519 she showed up late, claiming traffic on burn side. She 420 00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:38,480 moved quieter than usual, methodical, and closed off, never once 421 00:19:38,519 --> 00:19:40,319 looking at me except to ask where the new cutting 422 00:19:40,319 --> 00:19:42,680 boards were. I tried to break the ice with a 423 00:19:42,759 --> 00:19:44,599 dumb story about a regular who tried to pay with 424 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:48,079 vintage baseball cards, but she just nodded, already scraping onion 425 00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:51,039 skins into the compost. Her phone buzzed and she turned 426 00:19:51,039 --> 00:19:53,680 her back to me, shoulders rolling forward, answering and clipped 427 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,759 muffle murmurs. After our shifts, something finally snapped inside me. 428 00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:00,759 We were at the apartment table. Receipts scattered, and I 429 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:03,319 caught her tracing shades on the margin of a supplier invis. 430 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,160 Were things weird at the suppliers last night? I tried 431 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:11,119 working hard to keep my voice light. She dropped her pen. Weird, ha, 432 00:20:12,039 --> 00:20:14,640 I mean any reason you didn't bring back anything? Can 433 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,440 I help next week? Or would it be better if 434 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,240 I called ahead made it easier? She pressed her upon 435 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:21,960 to her forehead. Why are you on this, she snapped, 436 00:20:22,039 --> 00:20:25,160 voice low and trembling. It's not complicated. Some things are 437 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,359 better when only one of us handles them. Trust me. 438 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,640 The words stung more than I cared to admit. We 439 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,759 always did every part together. Just this one thing, please, 440 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,640 I've got it. The finality in her tone scared me 441 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,799 more than anything else. She pocketed the receipts and pushed 442 00:20:39,799 --> 00:20:41,759 back from the table. Off to rinse a mug that 443 00:20:41,759 --> 00:20:44,839 didn't need rensing. The next Thursday, I found reasons to 444 00:20:44,839 --> 00:20:47,160 circle the block as I waited for her nerves a miter, 445 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,000 I told myself, I give her the benefit of the dove, 446 00:20:50,079 --> 00:20:52,559 no spying, just an honest coincidence. If I saw which 447 00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:55,759 way her car went, may be proved my suspicions totally unfounded. 448 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:58,680 But when she drove off, her window already down, she 449 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,119 made a left, not toward any so flowers we'd ever use, 450 00:21:01,279 --> 00:21:04,759 but toward the river towards Danta. I walked slow and tense, 451 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,319 the city feeling wrung around me. I found myself ducking 452 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,359 past the window of a wine bar set back from 453 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,079 the street, with a sign painted in gold leaf of 454 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:13,920 the barrel room. A string of yellow bulbs flickered above 455 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:18,039 the archway, reflected in puddles. I almost laughed, but then 456 00:21:18,079 --> 00:21:21,119 I saw her, Amy laughing, leaning close to her, tall 457 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:24,759 just ahead, ma'am with broad shoulders. I recognized him at once, 458 00:21:24,839 --> 00:21:27,039 the same guy from the business mixer, the one watching 459 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,880 us like he wanted to say something, the one whose 460 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,240 name took richey Worth. He had his hand on Emmy's elbow, 461 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,839 steering her toward the back. She dipped her head, said 462 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,640 something I couldn't hear, and laugh so brightly it felt weaponized. 463 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,400 The way she looked at him wasn't business like, not 464 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,039 the formal clip patient she did with the vendor. She 465 00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:47,759 looked alive, there, animated, lips, gauwsy. She reached out and 466 00:21:47,799 --> 00:21:50,160 swooped her hand over his shirt, there in public, as 467 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,920 if it was the most natural thing in the world. 468 00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:54,440 He slung his arm over the booth and leaned in, 469 00:21:54,599 --> 00:21:57,599 whispering something in her ear that made her drop her head, grinning. 470 00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,640 Even from outside, squinted up against the I could see 471 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,240 the intimacy of the bubble, the closeness, unhurried comfort, A 472 00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:07,240 bottle of wine between them, their glasses half full. At 473 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,039 one point she reached for his wrist and he let 474 00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:12,359 his hand rest there, fingers trailing over her knuckles. It 475 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,720 was a familiarity I hadn't seen from her in months. 476 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,839 When another group came in, laughing too loud, Amy pressed 477 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,680 herself closer to Jonah, as if to close out the 478 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,240 rest of the world. The angle of her hips was 479 00:22:22,279 --> 00:22:25,599 turned inward. The look she gave him was negotiations, It 480 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:29,240 was affection. It was desire. My stomach twisted so violently 481 00:22:29,279 --> 00:22:32,240 that I nearly lost my balance. I watched for maybe 482 00:22:32,279 --> 00:22:34,880 an hour, rooted there in the wet night, hart jackammering 483 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,640 slow anine. The coal pressed through my jacket, but I 484 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,559 could barely feel that the numbness was all internal. At 485 00:22:40,559 --> 00:22:42,400 the end, as they stood to leaf, his hand slid 486 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,480 around her waist, and she let herself melt into him, 487 00:22:44,519 --> 00:22:47,359 nestling under his arm near the door. Even with street 488 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,400 lights and traffic moving by in waves, I could see 489 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,000 them post just shy if the door were She turned up, 490 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,519 touched his cheek, and he kissed her lawn and gentle, 491 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,400 hang on her jaw, not fast, not furtive, public, affectionate 492 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,559 or mistakable. Only then did I turn and stumble away, 493 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,720 skin tingling, blood loud in my ears. The sound of 494 00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:06,279 my heart was the only thing I could hear all 495 00:23:06,319 --> 00:23:08,880 the way home. I let myself into our apartment on 496 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,400 ort a pilot, everything looking sharper and into her down 497 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,559 jacket over the chair, A single glass in the sink 498 00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:16,039 of the faint sweet musky sent drifting from the bathroom 499 00:23:16,079 --> 00:23:17,480 as if she'd bid in a memory of what I 500 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,279 just witnessed. When she came home on me a bed, 501 00:23:20,319 --> 00:23:22,000 all key. The first thing she did was slip her 502 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,480 shoes off and meet my gaze. There was a glow 503 00:23:24,519 --> 00:23:27,279 to her her hair, loser, eyes shining, Let's kiss clean. 504 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,160 She started to say sorry late night, but I barely 505 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,200 heard the words for the first time. I didn't answer, 506 00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:35,519 then force a smile, didn't suggest we order in a 507 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,880 water show. Instead. I walked past her to the bedroom, 508 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,319 shut the door, and lay there in the darkness, questions 509 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:44,680 roaring inside my chest. I heard water running in the bathroom, 510 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,680 the hush of her hands as she moved around the kitchen, 511 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,400 moving as if everything was perfectly normal. But none of 512 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:53,640 it was normal anymore. The secrets had weight now Friday morning, 513 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,480 I couldn't look her in the eye. We prepped in silence, 514 00:23:56,519 --> 00:23:59,920 every knife stroke between us. When customers came, I tried, 515 00:24:00,079 --> 00:24:01,839 at least to act like it was just another day. 516 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,839 Amy slid right into her familiar role, bright, funny, I 517 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,519 p all, quick witted, charm. I wondered how long she'd 518 00:24:07,519 --> 00:24:09,359 been doing this, making me believe the world outside the 519 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:11,720 truck with still ires. Even as she corved out whole 520 00:24:11,759 --> 00:24:15,240 secret eyres. She was texting more openly now, not even 521 00:24:15,279 --> 00:24:18,759 glancing my way, throm speeding across the keyboard. Once, when 522 00:24:18,799 --> 00:24:21,680 she burst out laughing alone and nothing, I froze petrolmeter. 523 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,480 She caught my eye, tucked her phone face down and 524 00:24:24,599 --> 00:24:27,400 said you should have seen this me Murray's ascent. I 525 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,440 didn't reply. She went back to work. Privately. I started 526 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:35,960 cataloging her absences every Thursday, new clothes, a new flourished 527 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,960 to her make up, sometimes a faint shimmer I never 528 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,720 seen before. Once I found a receipt from a bakery 529 00:24:40,759 --> 00:24:43,119 near the barrel room to cross us one black coffee, 530 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,440 dated a Thursday morning, not our usual supplier, not in 531 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,400 our neighborhood. When I asked about it, she just shrugged, 532 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,000 dropped by first sample something for next week's bunch menu. 533 00:24:52,079 --> 00:24:54,759 You weren't up yet. Another night, I forgot to close 534 00:24:54,799 --> 00:24:56,960 out our shared laptoup and saw browser taps open to 535 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,920 event spaces. Small wineries were tasting rooms near the East Bank, 536 00:25:00,079 --> 00:25:03,279 all in that same narrow corridor. She became irritable if 537 00:25:03,319 --> 00:25:06,160 asked why. I said it was for promotion, maybe summer partnerships. 538 00:25:06,839 --> 00:25:11,279 No details, only avoidance. I even tried texting her Thursday afternoon, 539 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:13,839 testing her story it need me to pick anything up 540 00:25:13,839 --> 00:25:17,279 on the supplier run, she replied, instantly, all handled enjoy 541 00:25:17,319 --> 00:25:20,480 a night off. The brittle, sarcastic anger started to work 542 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:23,759 its way under my skin, Anger at her, at myself, 543 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,039 at my own inertia. How long had I convinced myself 544 00:25:26,039 --> 00:25:29,119 that these scraps of explanations were enough? The last Thursday 545 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,359 before everything broke, she barely bothered with the story. It's 546 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,279 just a late meeting, she said, sliding her best earrings, delicate, 547 00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:38,599 drapped crystal things through her earlopes, checking her reflection. She 548 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,200 wore a shop blazer, something that drew the line of 549 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,799 her shoulders, sleek and deliberate, pared with the faint glimmer 550 00:25:43,759 --> 00:25:45,920 of the same deep red lipstick I'd found smeared on 551 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,559 her apron. I stood in the wholewa keys clutch tight, 552 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,559 pretending to look for change in the dish by the door. 553 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,359 She brushed by, grabbing her purse. So do you want 554 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:58,000 me to? She cut me off, all business, I said, 555 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,799 I've got it, O K please. She met my gaze 556 00:26:00,799 --> 00:26:02,839 for a moment. Something brittle and bruised in her eyes, 557 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,759 a fracture I had never seen before, And then she 558 00:26:04,839 --> 00:26:08,279 was gone. Footsteps quick against the stairs. When the door shut, 559 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,440 I finally felt the anger cut through the haze of pain. 560 00:26:11,079 --> 00:26:13,319 I had to see for myself, once and for all, 561 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,319 if all this agony came from nothing, or if the 562 00:26:15,319 --> 00:26:18,160 truth was as ugly as it felt. So I waited 563 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,680 five minutes, grabbed my jacket, and headed out into the 564 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,240 sodden blue darkness of July, not even caring if she 565 00:26:23,279 --> 00:26:25,759 saw me. I kept back half a block behind, trailing 566 00:26:25,799 --> 00:26:28,680 the civic as she drove across the city. When she turned, 567 00:26:28,759 --> 00:26:31,200 I kept walking, Every step went tight as piano wire, 568 00:26:31,319 --> 00:26:33,759 praying for her to prove me wrong. But she parked 569 00:26:33,759 --> 00:26:36,839 two blocks from where I'd watched her before. I hung back, 570 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,319 hart panding as she climbed out, straightened her blazer, and 571 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,559 all but glided down the sidewalk to the glowing doorway 572 00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:46,440 of the barrel room. There under the golden bulbs was Joan, awaiting, impatient, nervous, 573 00:26:46,519 --> 00:26:48,759 then brightening with a smile that was far too familiar. 574 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:51,720 She went straight into his arms, lingering there, both of 575 00:26:51,759 --> 00:26:54,279 them swaying so close it made my hand shake. They 576 00:26:54,319 --> 00:26:57,480 went inside, not looking back. Once I crossed over to 577 00:26:57,519 --> 00:26:59,839 the opposite sidewalk, moving into the cover of a closed 578 00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:02,079 for blo shop, hot pounding with the certainty of everything 579 00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:04,640 I didn't want to admit. I watched them through the window, 580 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,720 two silhouettes at a table in the corner, framed in 581 00:27:06,799 --> 00:27:09,839 light and laughter that looked nothing like business. Their bodies 582 00:27:09,839 --> 00:27:12,640 moved an easy concert, hands touching as meeting had to 583 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:16,440 tip together in private conversation. They drank wine, the odor 584 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,720 of food to something with tiny, artful garnishes. And I 585 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,599 watched as Jonah lifted a glass to her lips, and 586 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,960 she let him tip it up for her, grinning, careless, 587 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,920 alive about an iro in. I saw her hands lie 588 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,359 behind his neck. He leaned forward, kissed her slow and sure. 589 00:27:30,079 --> 00:27:33,519 She kissed him back as fluttering, closed lips parted. Her 590 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:36,559 body language was gentle, opened, exactly what I hadn't felt 591 00:27:36,559 --> 00:27:39,279 from her in months. The side hollowed me out, leaving 592 00:27:39,319 --> 00:27:42,559 nothing but a cold verrop it. There was no business angle, 593 00:27:42,759 --> 00:27:46,400 no honey tasting, no supply deal, only her caught in 594 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,400 some one else's orbit. When they finally stood, bundled up 595 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,559 in the drizzle, he draped his jacket over her shoulders, 596 00:27:51,599 --> 00:27:54,960 bent to kiss her again. She turned to say something laughed, 597 00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:57,240 and then they walked away, two heads bowed together under 598 00:27:57,279 --> 00:28:00,599 the blur of city lights. I let them go, crossing 599 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,799 the street slowly, my shoes soaking through. Every certainty I 600 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,720 ever had slipped away, replaced by the ugly final clarity 601 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,240 of what I'd seen. There was no explanation that could 602 00:28:09,279 --> 00:28:12,519 fit this, no joke, no marketing plan, nothing left salvage. 603 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,480 That was the moment I knew bone deep that anything 604 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,759 I'd thought we shared, our partnership or trust, even the 605 00:28:17,759 --> 00:28:20,160 smallest joke, was a lie, hollowed out by her secrets, 606 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,119 by the sharp, musky sweetness that was mine. I let 607 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,519 myself into the apartment quietly, the iching my chest ride 608 00:28:25,519 --> 00:28:28,680 behind me like something heavy and soaking wet. The kitchen 609 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,039 was dark except for the humming blue nightlight above the range, 610 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,440 barely enough to outline the imoshed mugs on the empty 611 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,480 spot where Amy's ibun had draped only iOS before. My 612 00:28:36,519 --> 00:28:38,480 hands shook so badly it took me three tries to 613 00:28:38,519 --> 00:28:41,160 work off my jacket. I pressed my knuckles hard to 614 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,599 my eyebrown and stood in the silent kitchen, barely breathing, 615 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:45,839 just listening, waiting for her key in the lock, a 616 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,759 sound ad dredded now almost as much as I was 617 00:28:47,759 --> 00:28:51,880 desperate for answers. But the world didn't give me that. Instead, 618 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:53,880 it gave me the clock ticking to midnight, the steady 619 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:57,200 ray kneeling, the fire escape, fine stretched, thin and brittle. 620 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,000 As I paced the length of our crumped living room 621 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,440 back and forth, hopping only to jab at the framed 622 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,240 Best of Portlands certificate in the wall, my own face 623 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,240 smiled off from inside that glass, bright and oblivious beside hers. 624 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:10,039 I eventually landed on the battered arm of the couch, 625 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,279 half crushed by a pile of discarded cook books. It 626 00:29:13,319 --> 00:29:15,119 was iurs before I heard her at the door. First 627 00:29:15,119 --> 00:29:17,240 the hushed forces in the hall, too muffled turned inify, 628 00:29:17,359 --> 00:29:19,000 Then the scrape of her shoes on the mat, the 629 00:29:19,079 --> 00:29:21,400 mut a creak as she came in. She paused in 630 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,480 the entry, keysdrop one at a time, then a muttered 631 00:29:23,519 --> 00:29:26,559 shit his, Her purse tumbled open. She tried to tiptoe, 632 00:29:26,559 --> 00:29:28,440 but there's no way to move quietly in our place. 633 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,319 I sat as still as the furniture, fighting a wave 634 00:29:31,359 --> 00:29:34,279 of nausea. She smelled of wine, and that bright alien 635 00:29:34,319 --> 00:29:36,599 perfumed the one I dress so many times on her collar, 636 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,359 now unmistakably form. Her silhouette drifted quickly to the bathroom door, 637 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,759 left slightly ajar wat a, running the faint rhythm of 638 00:29:42,799 --> 00:29:44,680 her washing her face, as if to erase the evening. 639 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,480 I waited when she emerged. I was still on the couch, 640 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,839 my arms folded tight, every muscle brace for the moment 641 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:54,000 she'd finally notice what I knew. She tattered across the rug, 642 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,680 startled when she saw me upright, maybe surprised that I 643 00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:58,960 wasn't already asleep. Were just that I saw her at all. 644 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,119 Whurrir uply, she said, forcing cheer. I thought she'd be 645 00:30:03,119 --> 00:30:06,039 asleep by now, I know, I said, my voice barely 646 00:30:06,079 --> 00:30:09,559 more than a croak. She froze midstep, as narrowing let's 647 00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:12,480 parted in some silent shocktough. She must have known what 648 00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:14,640 I meant, but she played her role a second longer, 649 00:30:14,799 --> 00:30:18,319 tucking hair behind her ear, gay skating sideways. Now what 650 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,759 the tremor in her question was small practiced. I leaned forward, 651 00:30:22,799 --> 00:30:25,640 hand shaking. I saw you amy the wine bar with 652 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,720 Joah Worth. I'd never said his name allowed to her before, 653 00:30:29,359 --> 00:30:32,359 had echoed ugly and unreal in the little room. She 654 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,519 didn't respond at first, or maybe she did. Her entire 655 00:30:35,559 --> 00:30:37,880 body let go, crumpling into the arm chair opposite like 656 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,559 she'd been punched. She dug the heels of her hands 657 00:30:40,559 --> 00:30:43,559 into her eyes and breathed out once. I watched her 658 00:30:43,559 --> 00:30:46,920 shoulders quick beneath her thins wetter. Finally, she looked up, 659 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:49,680 her voice trembling. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. 660 00:30:50,559 --> 00:30:53,960 I couldn't laugh, couldn't cry. How was it supposed to happen? Then? 661 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,400 Was I supposed to just keep her tending? A kind 662 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,680 of keening sound broke from her chest, and she pressed 663 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:00,400 her fist to her heart, like she was keeping it 664 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,960 from falling out. I never wanted to hurt you. I 665 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,680 swear that, just God. I kept telling myself it would end, 666 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:07,839 that it was just that was stupid, something small. Then 667 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,000 it wasn't. I snapped louder than I expected. You made 668 00:31:11,039 --> 00:31:13,119 me look like an idiot. The lies of the storers 669 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,519 every Thursday, Helen, She WinCE, chewing her thumb, now raw 670 00:31:17,279 --> 00:31:19,720 months since the winter event. I thought it would wear off, 671 00:31:19,759 --> 00:31:21,720 but every time it felt me. I didn't mean to 672 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,880 push you out. I just I needed to feel wanted again. 673 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,400 I guess like I mattered to some one. The words 674 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,319 stung as much as the facts. So this is my fault, 675 00:31:29,519 --> 00:31:32,359 because you needed something I didn't give. Tears pulled in 676 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,720 her eyes, and this time her voice was so small 677 00:31:34,759 --> 00:31:38,400 I almost missed it. No, no, you were always here, always, daddy. 678 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,359 I don't know what's wrong with me. She sobbed, Hans, 679 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:44,720 crumpling in her lap. Her entire posture collapsed. I stood, 680 00:31:44,759 --> 00:31:46,880 unable to sit in the same place as her confessions. 681 00:31:47,599 --> 00:31:49,799 My throat burned with rage and heartbreak. In a hollow, 682 00:31:50,279 --> 00:31:53,359 desperate want to rewind everything you could have told me, 683 00:31:53,599 --> 00:31:56,160 I said, but the words fell flap. I thought this 684 00:31:56,279 --> 00:31:58,359 was ire as the truck, this life, was any of 685 00:31:58,359 --> 00:32:00,920 it real? She shook her head fast, as if that 686 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,000 could scatter the mess between us, everything un told. I 687 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,640 didn't want this. I just couldn't stop. Please, I'm sorry, 688 00:32:06,759 --> 00:32:09,799 I'm so so sorry. The air and the apartment into nothing, 689 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:11,960 the walls closing in around her, heaving breaths and my 690 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:15,519 stun silence. I stared at her, hurriedly, able to recognize 691 00:32:15,519 --> 00:32:17,680 the person I thought I loved, Unable to find even 692 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,160 the scraps of what we used to be. I wanted 693 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,880 to scream, I wanted to break something, to demand some 694 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,640 kind of sense from her, to make her feel the 695 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,119 weight of what she'd taken. But I only managed I 696 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,599 can't do this. My voice dry's paper. She saw Tarder 697 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,240 curling forward as if she could hide in her own arms. 698 00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:36,440 I watched every muscle shaking until it was clear there 699 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,599 was nothing left to wrench free from the ruins between us. 700 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,680 We sat that way for a long time. I stared 701 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,519 at the wall, her outline blurry at the edges. Every 702 00:32:44,599 --> 00:32:46,799 sound outside, the drip of rain a far off cahorn, 703 00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:49,359 felt louder than the silence swallow in our living room. 704 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,160 After a while, she choked up one last try explanation, 705 00:32:52,279 --> 00:32:54,440 but I was already up, moving around the apartment with 706 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,279 a slow mechanical purpose of some one dismounting their own life. 707 00:32:57,759 --> 00:32:59,920 I pulled my overnight bag from under the bed, packed 708 00:33:00,279 --> 00:33:03,960 without care. My hands moved almost by themselves, crabbing socks 709 00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,839 and shirts, my chief brush, a few chargers, the bat 710 00:33:06,839 --> 00:33:09,640 of Denham jacket that still smelled like saucers and friar oil. 711 00:33:10,279 --> 00:33:12,359 I forced myself to breathe through the rush of images 712 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:14,440 heard at the truck window, laughing her beside me at 713 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:16,519 the cooked top, fingers crazing mine for a spice jar. 714 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:19,920 She stayed in the living room, silent, crying softly into 715 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:23,119 her hands. She didn't follow. I zipped the bag and 716 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,759 slung it over my shoulder. The apartment felt airless, everything 717 00:33:26,799 --> 00:33:29,480 tinged with the sweetness I'd grown to hate. I left 718 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,359 my set of keys on the edge of the kitchen counter, 719 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,880 next to the open food truck calendar, our shared world 720 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,680 left behind in less columns and digital reminders. My phone buzzed, 721 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:39,640 and I thumbed out a brief, flat message to r J, 722 00:33:39,839 --> 00:33:42,160 the only friend we shared, barely reading my own words. 723 00:33:42,279 --> 00:33:44,559 Not come into the truck tomorrow. Tell Amy to handle prep. 724 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,440 R J would not ask questions, Not yet. I stepped 725 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,359 into my shoes by the door, hands trembling as I 726 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:53,319 tied the laces. I looked back once toward deliving re 727 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,960 MIMMI slumped in the arm chair, knees up, gaze on nothing. 728 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,440 The distance between us was wide and final. I stepped 729 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,519 into the whole, lightly shutting the door behind me with 730 00:34:01,559 --> 00:34:04,559 a soft hull click. The corridor was dim, the carpet 731 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,400 rough under my feet, lights humming. I walked slow, not 732 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:10,559 looking back. I took the stairs down to the sidewalk, 733 00:34:10,679 --> 00:34:13,719 rein tapping my shoulders, the bag heavy. I stood there, 734 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:16,119 half lit by the knee on a twenty four irour laundromat, 735 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,920 breathing fog into the night, feeling the press of everything 736 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,519 lost bearing down through the soles of my shoes. I 737 00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:23,440 looked once at the food truck park down the street, 738 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,480 its bright pain dullt by door mist as stick could 739 00:34:25,519 --> 00:34:28,280 not logo, shadowed on the rain un krom. The windows 740 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,679 were dark, the city soft around the edges, and for 741 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:32,679 the first time, it felt entirely air, as a closed 742 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,599 up frylock of something I once believed was unbreakable. The 743 00:34:35,639 --> 00:34:38,039 wall felt shaky and too sharp, but I knew exactly 744 00:34:38,119 --> 00:34:40,639 what was real and what wasn't. I found an empty 745 00:34:40,639 --> 00:34:42,800 spot byder cub, set my back down and let my 746 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:45,480 breath catch in the chill. The city moved on around me, 747 00:34:45,679 --> 00:34:49,360 indifferent and shining. I watched the skylighton new day, edging 748 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,239 over the silent truck, and for a long moment I 749 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,199 just stood there, knowing that the one thing I counted 750 00:34:53,199 --> 00:34:56,480 on was only ever partly true. Eventually, the early city 751 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,480 traffic started rumbling past the corner, headlights cutting trails through 752 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,679 the mist. I already surging back into motion, as if 753 00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,800 nothing at all had shifted. I stood nom my hands 754 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:07,239 red and tingling from the coal, watching every figure who 755 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,639 passed with the kind of distant, exhausted wonder how easily 756 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:12,599 everyone else moved forward, how freely they entered vickers, checked 757 00:35:12,599 --> 00:35:16,800 their phones, unlocked bikes. Every one but me. I couldn't 758 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:19,760 make sense of the stillness I'd left behind, the apartment, 759 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,280 the truck, the shared rituals that had scaffolded every day 760 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,519 under the frattured belly of dawn. Nothing tethered me except 761 00:35:25,519 --> 00:35:27,159 the way to my throat in the hot, dull eke 762 00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:30,400 along my temples. I tried to calculate what happened now 763 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,119 in the world. Would Amy shut down the truck for 764 00:35:32,159 --> 00:35:34,320 the day, or pretend push on past it, scrub my 765 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,239 name off the payrolls, and let the city crowd by 766 00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,440 the window without knowing what had chatted behind the counter? 767 00:35:39,079 --> 00:35:40,760 Would she telled JO and I had found out? Did 768 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,840 she even need to or had she already planned for 769 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:46,000 this part? The extracting, the sudden subtraction of our life? 770 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:48,480 I pressed my palm into my eyes, dragging it down 771 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,800 my face. Feeling more tired than I could remember ever 772 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:54,119 being nothing, felt ready to move forward, yet standing here 773 00:35:54,199 --> 00:35:56,599 was impossible, and going anywhere else made even less sense. 774 00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:59,679 The truck was silent. Es shell My pockets as I 775 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:01,719 checked them out of habit held nothing but my phone 776 00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:03,880 and a crumpled receipt time stamp from two days ago 777 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,519 at a corner cafe when everything had still felt salvageable. 778 00:36:07,119 --> 00:36:09,199 I flapd my foe out, checked the home screen for 779 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:12,079 any new messages. Nothing from Amy, nothing from RJ. Just 780 00:36:12,119 --> 00:36:14,280 a single and read email from the supplier asking about 781 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,440 imbossing on honeyed it never existed. That thought made me 782 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:21,000 shudder with something almost close to laughter. Clipped moraw honey, 783 00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:24,760 all that theater, all those storers, and for what I'd 784 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,239 believe them, because I'd wanted to, needed to, because letting 785 00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:29,320 suspicion and meant risking the loss that now sat so 786 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:32,599 clearly in my hands. Through the rising light, I could 787 00:36:32,639 --> 00:36:34,880 see the truck's window, stick of peeling at the corners, 788 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,079 the faint handprints where we both pressed for warmth on 789 00:36:37,159 --> 00:36:40,079 Colt nights. A single to go cup stood abandoned on 790 00:36:40,119 --> 00:36:44,239 the ledge of regulars, maybe or Amy's yesterday afternoon rimstained 791 00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:47,280 faintly with lipstick, the ron shay. I let my gaze 792 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,639 graze over all of it, every small detail that yesterday 793 00:36:49,639 --> 00:36:51,440 would have meant the longing, but now only echoed the 794 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:54,480 pointlessness of holding on. Time moved strange in the streets, 795 00:36:54,519 --> 00:36:58,159 stuttering pass then slowing. While I stood there, my shoulders 796 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,679 ate under the bag, so I shifted position, looking up 797 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:03,400 into the gray blue above. Someone out walking a dog 798 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,679 pulse to nod, offered a brief smile. I tried to 799 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,440 nod back, but I think it came out twisted and practiced. 800 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,679 The dog sniffed my shoes, then wandered away, tail swinging, 801 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:14,760 and its owner never looked back. For too long, I hovered, 802 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:18,719 body lost between instinct and attention. I ran to useless logistics, 803 00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:20,840 where to go, who to call, whether I even wanted 804 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,440 to eat. Every moment in my mind shadowed by what 805 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:25,679 waited up in that apartment. The calendar still opened to 806 00:37:25,679 --> 00:37:28,320 our shared plans, the old photos in the fridge, Amy's 807 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:31,679 figure hunch small in that battered unche Was she still crying? 808 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:35,199 Was she already texting him? Did she want me to 809 00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:37,440 come back, or was it relief that I'd finally made 810 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,000 the hard part easy. I wondered if she would try 811 00:37:40,039 --> 00:37:42,280 to call me, maybe send some last message of comfort 812 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:46,320 or explanation, But my fun stayed silent. The world wanted 813 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:49,360 nothing from me. Now set to move, an ambulance wailed 814 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,719 somewhay close a bus drack that breaks two blocks down, 815 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:56,440 letting off a herd of commuters and khaki and headphones, sunlight, 816 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,119 And I threw a rent in the clouds, hitting the 817 00:37:58,119 --> 00:37:59,800 crumb of a passing car so hard it made my 818 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:03,159 eye water. The food truck, two car lance away, caught 819 00:38:03,159 --> 00:38:04,960 the life for a second, a goal, then dull, then 820 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,719 only itself again, just a battered empty box. I pulled 821 00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,159 my cook closer, shivering a little now as the adrenaline 822 00:38:11,159 --> 00:38:14,559 sank into something colder, empty. Every cell in my body 823 00:38:14,559 --> 00:38:16,719 wanted to go back, to have one last argument, to 824 00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:19,400 demand a different story, to erase everything that had just happened, 825 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,199 and force Amy back into honesty by sheer wool. But 826 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,840 there was nothing left to fight for. She'd made her 827 00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,840 choice and forced the truth into light. No matter how 828 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,599 I replayed in my mind what I could have done 829 00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:31,400 what I should have pushed for, when I should have 830 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,639 us repressed, or trusted less, or trusted more. None of 831 00:38:33,639 --> 00:38:36,760 it changed that final and deniable reality. I shifted my 832 00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:38,719 grip on the bag, pulling up the strap where it 833 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,880 bit into my palm. Movement was all that was left 834 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,639 for a long, stretched heartbeat. I looked down at my 835 00:38:44,679 --> 00:38:47,440 shoe stamps streaked with city grime, one lace fray neantly 836 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,320 through and then back up the block toward the avenue, 837 00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:51,159 with the noise of the city that caned into something 838 00:38:51,159 --> 00:38:54,159 that sounded enough like normal life to be bearable. Amy 839 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:57,000 somewhere overhead was working in a new future without me. 840 00:38:57,639 --> 00:39:01,000 R J reply finally buzzed in, just reword shee okay man, 841 00:39:01,119 --> 00:39:04,440 and nothing else. I let the screen go dark without answering. 842 00:39:05,039 --> 00:39:07,360 I wanted to look back, but forced myself not to 843 00:39:08,039 --> 00:39:11,079 forward across the drainage puddles into the quiet throb of traffic, 844 00:39:11,159 --> 00:39:13,119 away from the old world shape I shared labor and 845 00:39:13,159 --> 00:39:16,159 the fiction of trust. The morning pressed wet against my 846 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:18,280 cheeks as I walked first heel, then tow each step, 847 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:22,079 separating me finally from everything we'd colled iris. The city 848 00:39:22,119 --> 00:39:24,679 stretched open in front of me, new and hollow, cold 849 00:39:24,679 --> 00:39:27,119 and pray, and I blended into it, just another face 850 00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:27,599 letting go.