WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:08.400 Remissed calls, two half finished drinks, one empty seat. There's 2 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:11.119 a pocket in every performance that's meant for Adam. To 3 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:14.439 night at Mohawk's open mic, I feel the space beside 4 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:17.199 me as if it aches The dim, sticky wood of 5 00:00:17.239 --> 00:00:20.519 the table under my thumb is oddly comforting, some weird 6 00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:23.760 sense memory from a hundred shows, a thousand nights out 7 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:27.519 where we'd WinCE at bad poetry, tip musicians more generously 8 00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:31.079 than their talent justified, and laugh about discovering the next 9 00:00:31.160 --> 00:00:36.159 Austin legend before they self destructed. But I'm alone, nursing 10 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:39.399 a local ipa I don't even want, and my thumbs 11 00:00:39.439 --> 00:00:43.479 scrolling through Adam's last text again, rereading the same line 12 00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:46.799 as the crowd ripples, and a new guitarist tunes up. 13 00:00:47.840 --> 00:00:51.640 Sorry running late shelters, A zoo might crash here to 14 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:55.600 finish the grant paperwork. He promised he'd swing by after 15 00:00:55.640 --> 00:00:59.240 the meeting, which sounded at first like classic Adam building 16 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:01.759 something for the sea, giving the world a little more 17 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:05.040 of himself than it had earned. That's what I always admired, 18 00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:08.560 or maybe envied about him. I type a quick reply, 19 00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:11.959 all good, break a leg with the grants. I try 20 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:15.040 to make the blue delivered dot mean something, or take 21 00:01:15.079 --> 00:01:19.040 the sting out of the absence across the table, Leelah's 22 00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:22.319 squeezing a lemon wedge into her jeet tea. She raises 23 00:01:22.359 --> 00:01:27.079 her eyebrows. He bail again. I stifle a forced smile, 24 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.359 brushing a stray strand out of my eyes. He's just 25 00:01:30.480 --> 00:01:34.519 swamped that non profit he started, street Link. They're up 26 00:01:34.519 --> 00:01:37.519 for a city contract or something. It's a big deal. 27 00:01:38.680 --> 00:01:42.519 Leelah waves her straw dismissively. Did Adam mention he was 28 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:47.040 with Jess again? I swung by Caupomondo last night midnight Mayer, 29 00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:50.719 Adam and this woman. Neither of them notice me. She 30 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:54.079 was all up in his laptop for a second. My 31 00:01:54.200 --> 00:01:59.159 laugh is almost real. Jess, who's that? Leelah grins, but 32 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:02.439 she watches me. May be realizing I'm not up on 33 00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:06.920 current events. She's been volunteering at Streetlink for weeks. I 34 00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:10.039 thought Adam kept you in the loop. My mouth some 35 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:13.039 neutral sound and look back at the stage. A young 36 00:02:13.080 --> 00:02:17.000 guy fumbles with his capo, the amps squealing, the crowd's murmuring. 37 00:02:17.560 --> 00:02:21.199 Leelah sets her drink down softly, seriously, they looked deep 38 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:25.080 in work mode. You sure all's cool. Her hand lingers 39 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:28.000 next to mine. She's trying to be protective, knowing, but 40 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:32.919 she's also curious. Yeah, totally. He's just burning both ends, 41 00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:36.159 you know, Adam. My jaw holds the shape of the 42 00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:39.680 lye until Leela's gaze moves and the music drowns out 43 00:02:39.719 --> 00:02:43.800 the room's small betrayals. But now there's a tightness in 44 00:02:43.879 --> 00:02:47.479 my chest, a voice threading through the music, whispering that 45 00:02:47.560 --> 00:02:51.039 something about this isn't just sleep deprivation or passion for 46 00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:55.280 service work. Adam has never been a midnight coffee person, 47 00:02:55.599 --> 00:02:58.240 and for the first time, I can't decide if it's 48 00:02:58.280 --> 00:03:02.479 neurotic or necessary to one. Why coming home used to 49 00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:05.919 be effortless, the afterglow of a night out, the familiarity 50 00:03:05.960 --> 00:03:08.639 of duel keepads pinging as our lift wound back up 51 00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:12.319 South Lamar. Adam's sneakers were always thrown at odd angles 52 00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:15.800 near the door, mine tucked by the trash can. Even 53 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:19.439 months into lockdown, we treached groceries on the tiny island 54 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:23.280 under flickering Edison bulbs, debating the merits of oat milk 55 00:03:23.560 --> 00:03:26.039 and arguing about which of us would finally cave to 56 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:31.039 Spotify Premium after another ad break murdered the mood. I'd 57 00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:33.840 PLoP onto the cro She'd poof. He'd cue up a playlist, 58 00:03:34.159 --> 00:03:37.520 some obscure synthpop with a back beat so infectious I'd 59 00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:41.400 forget whatever passive aggressive text I'd gotten from work that day. 60 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:45.879 We trade stickers in slack through the walls, same rhythms, 61 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:50.479 different months, five years. The first time I saw Adam, 62 00:03:50.759 --> 00:03:52.879 he was in a rival team at a city hackethon 63 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:57.360 at the library, a thousand laptops whirring, stale pizza, energy 64 00:03:57.439 --> 00:04:01.319 drinks by the gallon. He kept mispronounced o'uth to troll 65 00:04:01.400 --> 00:04:04.719 the MC, and when our badge printers crashed three hours 66 00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:08.280 before the deadline, he jumped over with a stack overflow thread, 67 00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:13.879 no strings attached. We shared bodega snacks, jokes about rest 68 00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:17.759 API documentation, and an honest to god slow dance on 69 00:04:17.800 --> 00:04:20.360 top of a pile of bean bags after the prizes 70 00:04:20.399 --> 00:04:24.639 were handed out. That was how this started. Two smartasses, 71 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:28.560 neither from Texas, making austin hours, one playlist and pop 72 00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:31.600 up at a time. By the end of year one, 73 00:04:31.759 --> 00:04:34.319 Adam was running a tiny dev team at a scrappy 74 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:37.600 start up. I was hired at uex Frame, a design 75 00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:40.959 firm with way too many air plants. We survived day 76 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:44.759 long festivals, heat waves, family holidays, and the kind of 77 00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:48.000 friend drama that would have driven most couples apart. We 78 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:50.879 nested in a corner condo two blocks from a food 79 00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:55.519 truck court, framed by crowdsourced art projects, all recycled wood 80 00:04:55.560 --> 00:04:59.920 and neon. The walls were a crazy quilt of concert posters, 81 00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:03.800 some from our first weeks together, some scavenged late night, 82 00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:08.720 some meticulously preserved behind glass, all with little sticky notes 83 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:12.720 recording the date and our private rating out of five stars. 84 00:05:13.560 --> 00:05:16.920 Our lives weren't seamless, but we trusted each other's rhythms. 85 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:20.839 Adam was always the connector. He wanted friend groups to mingle. 86 00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:24.279 I was content to curate Thursdays for trivia with the 87 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:28.399 music crowd, Sunday brunches for design friends, the occasional co 88 00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:32.800 ed kickball for flavor. Adam thrived in the overlap planning, 89 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:36.040 potlucks or roof top pregames, where the only thing people 90 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:39.839 had in common was that he'd decided they should. But 91 00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:44.040 that was last season's Adam. This spring Streetlink ate his calendar. 92 00:05:44.439 --> 00:05:47.480 He started carrying Mac books into the shower, working late, 93 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:51.399 declining invites. It was good work, turning tech into real 94 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:56.519 social change, but suddenly our music nights were broken place holders. Lately, 95 00:05:56.600 --> 00:05:58.439 all he wanted was to stay up with the street 96 00:05:58.439 --> 00:06:02.240 Link crew, prototyping or just hanging at their office, a 97 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:06.759 room above a shelter in East Austin. Music was mostly gone. 98 00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:09.360 If I tried to suggest we host, he'd say, can 99 00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:12.839 we rain check tomorrow's big I figured it would pass 100 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:16.720 founders get tunnel vision, just a phase, I told Priya, 101 00:06:17.079 --> 00:06:21.079 but the rituals slipped away. He'd always bristled at privacy, 102 00:06:21.240 --> 00:06:25.959 wanted everything open, shared finances, shared calendar, Even the contacts 103 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:28.639 on our phones sinked. I used to tease him about 104 00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:32.600 bringing acquaintances home from meet ups, pushing our circles to combine. 105 00:06:33.079 --> 00:06:35.639 Now there were new names I hadn't met, slack threads. 106 00:06:35.639 --> 00:06:38.680 He wouldn't show after parties that weren't for plus ones. 107 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:43.720 Most jarring, He'd grown protective of his street Link world. 108 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:47.240 When I'd ask questions, he'd offer details about the mission 109 00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:50.279 or the code base, but stopped naming people like I 110 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:54.399 wouldn't get it, or maybe shouldn't ask back at the show. 111 00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:58.120 Leela's laugh at the wrong lyric jars me. A week ago, 112 00:06:58.360 --> 00:07:01.360 I'd have thought nothing of Adam's Lake nights. Hadn't we 113 00:07:01.399 --> 00:07:04.560 always wanted purpose more than comfort. But the way He's 114 00:07:04.600 --> 00:07:07.800 talked around the details, the fatigue in his voice, the 115 00:07:07.879 --> 00:07:12.120 new insistence on friend group boundaries. It all lands differently now, 116 00:07:12.519 --> 00:07:15.160 like something essential has shifted in the current of us, 117 00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:18.959 and I'm pretending I don't feel the undertow. A day 118 00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:22.920 after Open Mike, I find myself googling jest street Link Austin. 119 00:07:23.480 --> 00:07:27.560 I stop after typing three letters, feeling ridiculous. This is neurosis, 120 00:07:27.560 --> 00:07:31.360 I tell myself, a symptom of pandemic burnout or maybe boredom. 121 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:35.399 But curiosity wins. I see a LinkedIn a GitHub a face. 122 00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:37.920 She's a brunette with a nose ring and a list 123 00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:41.120 of Hackethon badges. As long as Adams. There are photos 124 00:07:41.439 --> 00:07:43.920 her at east Side pop ups, at a street Link 125 00:07:43.959 --> 00:07:47.720 fundraising booth, even at an event Adam never mentioned attending. 126 00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:52.639 Maybe he just forgot to tell me, Maybe it wasn't important. Still, 127 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:57.399 Why coffee at midnight? Why the secrecy? My phone keeps 128 00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:00.759 lighting up with slack pings, prayer, asking about a brunch 129 00:08:00.839 --> 00:08:04.279 menu cat from work, reminding me of wire frames. Even 130 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:08.279 Adam hey heading home late again, Keep dinner easy. I 131 00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:11.480 stare at the screen and struggle to reply timidly. I 132 00:08:11.600 --> 00:08:15.199 tap out. Are you coding with Jess? Leela mentions seeing 133 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:19.839 you too, out, miss you? He replies fast, yup, we're 134 00:08:19.879 --> 00:08:24.000 testing some new integrations. Sorry for the radio silence. You 135 00:08:24.120 --> 00:08:26.480 still going to be up If it's not too late, 136 00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:30.240 I'll crash in or else tomorrow. I try not to 137 00:08:30.279 --> 00:08:34.200 pase the tone. Testing integrations is Adam's way of keeping 138 00:08:34.240 --> 00:08:38.480 things surface level, his short hand for don't dig. Something 139 00:08:38.480 --> 00:08:40.960 in me wants to push to see if he gets defensive, 140 00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:45.360 but I let the conversation go instead. I drift through Instagram, 141 00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:49.799 scrolling through memories six months ago, Adam in a ridiculous 142 00:08:49.879 --> 00:08:53.360 banana costume at Halloween Trivia, tagging both of us in 143 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:57.200 the photo Power Couple music Nerds. Back then, he'd have 144 00:08:57.279 --> 00:09:00.519 spammed the group chat with memes, live blogged every odd 145 00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:04.440 ball attendee, dragged me along to every post show taco run. 146 00:09:05.240 --> 00:09:09.480 Now he says little and even less about Jess. Later 147 00:09:09.519 --> 00:09:11.919 in the week. I try to steer dinner past another 148 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:14.919 rush job take out into a conversation with real bones. 149 00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:17.639 Adam answers my how was your day with a ninety 150 00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:20.639 second synopsis of grant paperwork, and when I mention the 151 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:24.440 late night work session, he shrugs, volunteers are only free 152 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:28.279 after work. You know it's nothing dramatic. He picks at 153 00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:32.320 his sh warmer, carefully dividing salad from rice, and pivots 154 00:09:32.360 --> 00:09:35.440 the topic to an email from his sister in Dallas. 155 00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:39.039 I nod along, burying the question I want to ask, 156 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:42.039 if it's all so normal, why is it starting to 157 00:09:42.080 --> 00:09:46.559 feel like we're actors reading from different scripts? Two saturdays 158 00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:49.519 go by, Adam missus trivia two weeks in a row. 159 00:09:49.799 --> 00:09:52.399 Trivia has always been our thing, the one event where 160 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:55.759 our friend groups naturally blur. No pressure. Each time I 161 00:09:55.759 --> 00:09:59.080 get a last minute notification on the shared calendar street 162 00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:02.519 link dev deploy late coding, he tells me not to 163 00:10:02.559 --> 00:10:04.840 wait up, but I hear the lift door bell at 164 00:10:04.879 --> 00:10:08.399 two thirty a m. The shuffle of shoes, and a careful, 165 00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:12.919 almost guilty quiet to his motions in the hall. His phone, 166 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:15.960 once left charging openly on our night stand, is now 167 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:20.879 always face down, notifications muted. I wake once thirsty to 168 00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:23.840 catch him typing in bed, blue light on his cheeks, 169 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:27.200 hunched over slack. When he sees me, he clicks it 170 00:10:27.240 --> 00:10:31.000 off without a word. Even our shared life starts to 171 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:34.559 collect dust. The playlist he curated for us once a 172 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:38.679 weekly ritual, arguing over whose picked stream on Friday hasn't 173 00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:41.840 been updated in a month. He can't recall details from 174 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:45.320 a friend's birthday, seems irritable about plans he used to 175 00:10:45.360 --> 00:10:49.720 anchor whole weekends around. At first, I decide it's temporary. 176 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:54.120 Every one cycles through a funky season, but it builds. 177 00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:57.320 I notice the calendar now has swathes of blocked time, 178 00:10:57.559 --> 00:11:01.440 all marked event in all caps, sometimes tagged private. He's 179 00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:04.799 away for hours, sometimes overnight, allegedly crash coding with the 180 00:11:04.840 --> 00:11:07.799 street Link crew. When I ask for details, he's ready 181 00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:10.960 with vague enthusiasm. We hit MVP on the app to night, 182 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:14.519 but zero specifics. One Thursday, I offer to bring by 183 00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:18.799 bean burritos for the team after work. Adam texts back immediately, 184 00:11:19.200 --> 00:11:24.279 don't it's chaotic. Tomorrow's better. I'm in the zone. When 185 00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:26.759 I say I want to see him later, he encourages 186 00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.360 me to hang with my music friends, insisting he'll make 187 00:11:30.399 --> 00:11:34.519 it up this weekend. He never does. Priya, who knows 188 00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:36.759 Adam as well as I do, corners me at coffee 189 00:11:36.759 --> 00:11:39.679 and blurts, are you guys okay? He seems, I don't 190 00:11:39.679 --> 00:11:42.519 know shut down lately. I try for an easy chuckle, 191 00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:46.279 but my voice sounds thin. He's just tired. Plus he's 192 00:11:46.320 --> 00:11:49.000 obsessed with this non profit you know how he is. 193 00:11:49.399 --> 00:11:53.200 Priya purses her lips, not buying it entirely. Just let 194 00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:56.360 me know if you need anything, okay. The next night, 195 00:11:56.399 --> 00:11:59.480 I'm at home sorting laundry when I notice Adam has 196 00:11:59.519 --> 00:12:03.360 left his Life saptop charger behind. Impulsively, I putter over 197 00:12:03.399 --> 00:12:05.399 to his work station to leave it on his desk. 198 00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:08.639 Then catch sight of something odd. There's a napkin under 199 00:12:08.679 --> 00:12:11.279 his keyboard, a logo from a bar. I've never seen 200 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:14.399 him go to, a stylized turtle with a note scribbled 201 00:12:14.879 --> 00:12:17.120 thanks for picking up a Let's not make the boss 202 00:12:17.159 --> 00:12:21.840 wait too long. It's signed j my skin prickles. There 203 00:12:21.879 --> 00:12:25.200 are late charges in our joint account too. Lift rides 204 00:12:25.320 --> 00:12:28.759 ending in East Austin food at Watson's on Cesar Chavez 205 00:12:29.080 --> 00:12:32.440 and a forty dollars cash withdrawal at one forty two 206 00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:35.960 a m from a bar near street Link's office. Adam, 207 00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:39.320 who complains every time I use cash because it breaks 208 00:12:39.360 --> 00:12:44.000 the budget, now operating all in cash. At odd hours Saturday, 209 00:12:44.039 --> 00:12:47.240 I show up at street links pop up on South Congress, unannounced, 210 00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:51.519 using I brought coffee as my disguise. Adam's outside, fiddling 211 00:12:51.559 --> 00:12:54.080 with a banner, and the group seems genuinely pleased to 212 00:12:54.120 --> 00:12:57.360 see me, except for one person who's missing. I drop 213 00:12:57.399 --> 00:12:59.600 off the coffee, and as I turn to leave, a 214 00:12:59.720 --> 00:13:02.120 tall woman steps out from the shelter, her hair in 215 00:13:02.200 --> 00:13:05.919 a messy bun, sunglasses even in the shade, she walks 216 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:10.639 directly to Adam. Their conversation is low. He doesn't introduce us. 217 00:13:11.320 --> 00:13:15.200 He turns when he sees me, pausing, flustered, and says, Babe, 218 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:18.759 this is Jess jess Meier. He's awkward in a way 219 00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:22.360 that doesn't suit him. Jess nods and glances back at 220 00:13:22.360 --> 00:13:25.919 her phone, polite but with an arm's length coolness. I 221 00:13:25.960 --> 00:13:29.240 step aside to wipe spilled cream off my hand, listening 222 00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:32.039 to their chatter for a few beats. It's code talk, 223 00:13:32.399 --> 00:13:36.720 nothing personal, but Adam's sounds younger, with her looser. I 224 00:13:36.759 --> 00:13:39.039 walk home in the sun and can't decide if I 225 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.799 made anything real out of that meeting or just fan 226 00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:46.080 the aching need to know more. Scrolling through Streetlink sight 227 00:13:46.200 --> 00:13:49.600 that night, I see photos of their last hackethon Adam 228 00:13:49.639 --> 00:13:52.720 and Jess crouched shoulder to shoulder over a laptop, her 229 00:13:52.759 --> 00:13:56.840 hand on his forearm, both grinning. The caption reads scaling 230 00:13:56.919 --> 00:13:59.759 up with help from our best. Adam never mentioned he 231 00:13:59.799 --> 00:14:03.080 would there that weekend. He told me he was home sick, 232 00:14:03.360 --> 00:14:07.480 catching up on sleep. I flip through Adam's Twitter, not 233 00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:12.120 private but lately inactive. The only reetweets were from weeks ago, 234 00:14:12.440 --> 00:14:17.039 all streetlink and civic engagement stuff, nothing personal. The lack 235 00:14:17.080 --> 00:14:20.080 of stray likes or comments from Jess doesn't comfort me. 236 00:14:20.399 --> 00:14:25.440 It feels calculated, not accidental. At dinner, I finally tiptoe 237 00:14:25.480 --> 00:14:28.240 closer to the cliff. You don't talk about Jess much. 238 00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:31.559 She seems cool. Leela said you guys were out late 239 00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:36.519 though coffee, He snorts. Everyone's on edge trying to deliver. 240 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:40.799 She's new in town, hustles hard. Jess basically writes code 241 00:14:40.840 --> 00:14:45.799 in her sleep. Nothing weird, just tired, but then almost sheepish. 242 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:50.120 He volunteers. She's intense, but don't worry. I keep her focused. 243 00:14:50.840 --> 00:14:53.960 The back handed assurance lands odd. If there was nothing 244 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:58.240 to worry about, why bring it up. Later, Adam accidentally 245 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:00.600 leaves his phone face up on the kitchen in Ireland. 246 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:04.240 I spot a WhatsApp message from Jess on his notifications. 247 00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:07.639 Let's go over the outreach report before Andrew sees it. 248 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:11.440 Meet you at the office. It's time stamped twelve eighteen. 249 00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:15.440 A m Adam hated Whatsap said it was for shady 250 00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:21.480 deals and international calls. Now he's apparently converted shared calender's 251 00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:25.559 morph into blank spots. Lift receipts spike on weeknights. I 252 00:15:25.639 --> 00:15:29.320 double check our budgets, convincing myself I'm not snooping, just 253 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:32.759 managing our finances. It all paints a picture I can't 254 00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:36.320 quite interpret. Is this normal start up behavior or a 255 00:15:36.440 --> 00:15:40.960 secret life? Guilt mingles with anxiety. I hate myself for 256 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:44.000 becoming the cartoon of a suspicious girl friend, but not 257 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:47.960 enough to stop looking. Friday, Adam asks if he can 258 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:50.960 have the place for a big donor video call. I 259 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:54.600 head out to the park to kill time, resisting wild theories. 260 00:15:55.080 --> 00:15:59.559 Maybe he's prepping a surprise. Maybe not. That same day 261 00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:02.759 at trivia, our old crew keeps pressing about Adam's absence. 262 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:05.679 Is he ghosting us? Did he finally run off with 263 00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:09.440 code girls? The questions are jokes mostly, but it unspools 264 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:12.399 something inside me. He was always the glue, and now 265 00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:15.600 even our friends feel the void. I make excuses and 266 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:17.840 text him a photo of the team holding a pen 267 00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:21.799 as a trophy for winning. Adam replies with a heart emoji, 268 00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:26.720 no joke, no inside reference. Saturday, I'm up late and 269 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:30.559 see Adam's laptop open a zoom call, finishing with Jesse's 270 00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:33.200 name in the tab. I wait for him to mention 271 00:16:33.320 --> 00:16:37.159 it over breakfast. He doesn't. Instead, he takes his coffee 272 00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:40.159 into the office and closes the door, a rare move. 273 00:16:41.320 --> 00:16:44.360 That afternoon, I decide to drive to street Link's office, 274 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:47.440 ignoring the flutter of anxiety that I'll look like a stalker. 275 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:50.559 Maybe if I see for myself, I'll quell this spiral. 276 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:54.200 The office is a bland cowaking space above a thrift store, 277 00:16:54.480 --> 00:16:57.960 badly lit and reeking of burnt espresso. The volunteers are 278 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:01.679 busy stuffing hygiene kits and to walking shop. Jess is there, 279 00:17:01.919 --> 00:17:05.240 sleeves rolled, no make up, absorbed in a bug fix. 280 00:17:05.799 --> 00:17:09.119 Adam brightens upon seeing me, maybe a little too much. 281 00:17:10.119 --> 00:17:13.759 Jess glances up, nods politely, then disappears to the back. 282 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:17.359 Adam offers a practiced smile. I didn't know you were 283 00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:20.599 coming by, but glad you did. He walks me out 284 00:17:20.640 --> 00:17:24.319 after ten awkward minutes, explaining things are nuts right now. 285 00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:28.559 Maybe we can have a proper lunch tomorrow. Driving home, 286 00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:32.480 I scroll regretfully through past voicemails from Adam. He used 287 00:17:32.519 --> 00:17:35.759 to be goofy, leaving long audio diaries of his thoughts 288 00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:40.160 from the bus. Now there's only efficient notes Eta home 289 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:43.440 nine p M. Don't wait up, love you. The affection 290 00:17:43.640 --> 00:17:48.839 is thinner each week. Prayer texts. Adam espen oddly, stand 291 00:17:48.839 --> 00:17:52.400 offfich at parties, barely saying hi to old college friends, 292 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:55.839 never bringing up street link unless someone else does. She 293 00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:59.240 asks if I'm okay. I respond that I'm just tired, 294 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:04.039 which is part true. I debate everything. Maybe Adam's just 295 00:18:04.119 --> 00:18:08.119 needing more space, Maybe he's depressed. His energy is real, 296 00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:11.319 but so is the moodiness. Maybe he's fallen for the 297 00:18:11.359 --> 00:18:14.480 non profit or the rush of feeling needed. I try 298 00:18:14.519 --> 00:18:17.839 to remind myself of his integrity, the years of honesty, 299 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:21.519 but memory is no comfort. Trust is only as strong 300 00:18:21.640 --> 00:18:25.359 as to day. The next week, during a thunderstorm, we're 301 00:18:25.400 --> 00:18:29.000 at dinner and the internet cuts out. It's rare, but cozy, 302 00:18:29.480 --> 00:18:32.920 used to be caused for an impromptu analog night board games, 303 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:37.119 wine mixtapes. I try to recreate it. Adam is listless, 304 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:41.200 answering most questions about street Link with its complicated or 305 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:46.200 another day? Okay? I fumble toward directness. You've been gone 306 00:18:46.200 --> 00:18:49.119 a lot, we barely see each other. Is everything okay 307 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:52.400 with us? My voice is gentle, but Adam flinches for 308 00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:55.759 an instant. He looks ready to talk, Then his phone vibrates. 309 00:18:56.119 --> 00:18:59.039 He glances at the screen, sighs, and says, I told 310 00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:01.960 you it's just launch stuff. I get it's hard, but 311 00:19:02.039 --> 00:19:05.920 this matters. He stands and disappears into the bedroom. Before 312 00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:10.240 I can even protest. One lonely night, unable to sleep, 313 00:19:10.519 --> 00:19:14.400 I drive by the Streetlink office. Adam isn't parked outside, 314 00:19:14.519 --> 00:19:17.799 but I recognize his ex colleagues. Prius a bar two 315 00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:21.079 doors down is lively. Strings of light through the rain, 316 00:19:21.680 --> 00:19:25.000 I watch feeling at once deranged and desperate. But I 317 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:29.200 never see Adam emerge. I go home feeling ridiculous, hoping 318 00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:34.200 nobody I know saw me. A week passes, Adam's behavior stack, 319 00:19:34.519 --> 00:19:38.359 more hidden notifications, longer absences, a fresh lock code on 320 00:19:38.440 --> 00:19:41.960 his phone. Our joint finances are stressed. You ber rides 321 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.400 at three a m. Cash tips at bars. He's never 322 00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:48.079 mentioned weird Amazon orders that show up half opened, always 323 00:19:48.079 --> 00:19:50.920 in his hands before I can ask. I'm not a luddite, 324 00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:53.440 but I do wonder when he became so meticulous about 325 00:19:53.519 --> 00:19:57.319 hiding traces. Was the urge sudden or slow? A new 326 00:19:57.319 --> 00:20:01.200 habit born of old trust gone stale. One evening, I 327 00:20:01.279 --> 00:20:04.119 try one last time to bridge the gap. Do you 328 00:20:04.160 --> 00:20:06.599 want me to help fundraise? I could pitch in on 329 00:20:06.680 --> 00:20:11.799 the sight or do promo. Adam practically recoils. You don't 330 00:20:11.799 --> 00:20:14.400 need to get sucked in. I promise the board no 331 00:20:14.559 --> 00:20:19.200 conflicts anyway. It's the first time he's ever invoked the board, 332 00:20:19.680 --> 00:20:22.640 whatever that means for a start up non profit. I 333 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:26.039 swallow my annoyance, feeling more like an outsider in our 334 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:30.000 own home than ever before. Prayer invites me for roof 335 00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:33.279 top drinks. The next day, you look like you haven't slept, 336 00:20:33.559 --> 00:20:38.319 she observes, pouring vodka into two mismatched cups. I know you, Maia, 337 00:20:38.720 --> 00:20:42.680 you knows dive when something's wrong. Say it. What can 338 00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:46.000 I say, really, that the man I've spent five years 339 00:20:46.039 --> 00:20:48.839 with his dissolving in plain sight, that I want the 340 00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:54.119 reassurance of being wrong Instead, I say, Adam's different. I 341 00:20:54.200 --> 00:20:57.960 want to trust him. Maybe it's just burn out. Prayer 342 00:20:58.119 --> 00:21:01.440 is silent a long time, then reaches over to squeeze 343 00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:04.640 my fingers. Let me know if you ever want back up. 344 00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:08.559 We kend rolls in. Adam tells me he's skipping my 345 00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:12.200 friend Danny's house party, which he secretly loves, because he 346 00:21:12.200 --> 00:21:16.039 can't bail on a team sprint that night. Priya sends 347 00:21:16.079 --> 00:21:19.359 a snap from the party, blurry full of color. Every 348 00:21:19.359 --> 00:21:22.079 one but us. I stare at the phone so long 349 00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:27.640 the screen dims. Spend Sunday alone, wandering lady birdleg scrolling 350 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:31.519 podcasts with earbuds barely in, trying not to imagine Adam's 351 00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:34.640 life running parallel to mine Somewhere I'm no longer allowed. 352 00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:36.640 I get home to find he's left me in a 353 00:21:36.680 --> 00:21:38.880 ki bowl in the fridge. With a sticky note for 354 00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:42.559 my favorite designer, sorry for the long week. For a second, 355 00:21:42.680 --> 00:21:46.200 I soften. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's just overwhelmed. Maybe 356 00:21:46.240 --> 00:21:48.880 I'm inventing things to be afraid of. But there's a 357 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:52.319 reply from Jay on his slack. You make this shit work. 358 00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:56.279 We're lucky to have you dinner. It's time stamped one 359 00:21:56.599 --> 00:22:01.839 zero three a m. I sleep badly, arguing with myself silently, 360 00:22:02.200 --> 00:22:05.440 as if two versions of me, past and present are 361 00:22:05.480 --> 00:22:08.880 at war over the truth. A turning point comes on 362 00:22:08.920 --> 00:22:12.799 a random Wednesday. Adam walks in at eleven thirty, hair 363 00:22:12.920 --> 00:22:16.759 damp from the storm, laptop bag slung haphazardly, he heads 364 00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:19.559 straight for the shower without a word. I gather his 365 00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:22.559 mail and notice a postcard stuck in one of the letters. 366 00:22:22.920 --> 00:22:26.480 Artsy but obscured. A quick scrawl. Couldn't have pulled off 367 00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:31.720 the event without you. Next time, it's just us two Jay. Later, 368 00:22:31.880 --> 00:22:35.240 Adam catches me sorting the stack. That's from a donor. 369 00:22:35.480 --> 00:22:39.079 Not a big deal, he says, too quickly. I want 370 00:22:39.079 --> 00:22:41.880 to believe him so much that the ache is physical. 371 00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:46.359 Another week and I've memorized the pattern cups in the sink, 372 00:22:46.599 --> 00:22:50.440 the faint cologne on his shirt, playlists that stay unchanged, 373 00:22:50.720 --> 00:22:54.200 the doors closed, the muttered phone calls on the patio, 374 00:22:54.599 --> 00:22:58.799 the way he tenses if I step into his work time. Finally, 375 00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:02.920 I decide to confront him fully, no hedging, no games. 376 00:23:03.400 --> 00:23:07.079 Adam is tired. He slouched on the couch, scrolling slack, 377 00:23:07.400 --> 00:23:10.759 a plate of cold Natchos at his side. I pause 378 00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:13.440 the t V, settling in next to him, my knee 379 00:23:13.440 --> 00:23:16.960 pressed to his look. I have to ask, are we 380 00:23:17.079 --> 00:23:19.799 still in this? Because it feels like you're already gone 381 00:23:19.880 --> 00:23:23.480 most days. My voice trembles, but I hold his eye. 382 00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:26.960 He rubs his face, sighs. I don't know. I'm just 383 00:23:27.240 --> 00:23:29.920 burnt out. I guess it's not you, Meyer, I swear. 384 00:23:30.400 --> 00:23:33.119 He looks out at the neon streaked window. You have 385 00:23:33.279 --> 00:23:37.319 everything together with street Link. I actually feel needed. People 386 00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:39.920 rely on me there. I can make a real impact. 387 00:23:41.079 --> 00:23:44.240 I soften, touching his hand. Do you need more space? 388 00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:49.759 Is this about Jess? Adam's shoulders sag Jess is she's 389 00:23:49.799 --> 00:23:53.960 a genius coder. We work well. Yeah, we grab coffee sometimes, 390 00:23:53.960 --> 00:23:56.759 but it's just work. If it makes you uncomfortable, I 391 00:23:56.799 --> 00:23:59.559 can dial it back. I don't want to lose us. Okay, 392 00:24:00.680 --> 00:24:04.160 He teeters between resignation and affection for a second, I 393 00:24:04.200 --> 00:24:07.519 believe him. He suggests a week nd away, promises to 394 00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:10.039 block time on the calendar, even gifts me a new 395 00:24:10.039 --> 00:24:13.839 playlist on Spotify labeled M plus a road trip. For 396 00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:17.039 those two days, we laugh at songs, eat too much food, 397 00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:20.160 and rediscover the version of us we never thought would fade. 398 00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:24.240 Our intimacy, physical and emotional returns at least a little. 399 00:24:24.680 --> 00:24:28.400 I laugh, easier, sleep better, feel the knot inside loosen. 400 00:24:29.400 --> 00:24:32.720 When we get home, Adam throws himself back into street link, 401 00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:36.839