WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.879 I always used to mark the beginning of spring by 2 00:00:05.879 --> 00:00:07.960 our monthly out as brunched, the sun just warm enough 3 00:00:07.960 --> 00:00:10.279 to bother. Picking out one of the brighter shirts, Lina said, 4 00:00:10.279 --> 00:00:13.560 suited me the anticipation of old jerks, new canvasses, and 5 00:00:13.560 --> 00:00:16.559 flaky pastries. It was the closest thing to a calendar 6 00:00:16.600 --> 00:00:19.000 we used in our drifting city wandering life. On the 7 00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:21.640 third Sunday rain o shine, we'd show up together, like 8 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:24.879 everyone expected. I'd sketch in my little black book, she 9 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:27.839 fieled invitations from half the table, and we'd always leave last, 10 00:00:27.960 --> 00:00:29.920 winding our way back home with half coal course as 11 00:00:29.920 --> 00:00:32.719 we saved for midnight. That morning, the city was soaked 12 00:00:32.759 --> 00:00:35.640 with improbable warmth, sunlight streaming through our kitchen like someone 13 00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:38.560 had lifted a film off the windows. Lina was ahead 14 00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:41.039 of it, already up, moving briskly from the laundry basket 15 00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:43.200 to the sink, Jean's roll to the ankle, heron and 16 00:00:43.240 --> 00:00:46.640 tidy twist. Usually by then she'd be reminding me not 17 00:00:46.719 --> 00:00:50.280 to dawdle, poking fun at my morning painter routine. Instead, 18 00:00:50.399 --> 00:00:52.600 she seemed to shrink from my presents, folding a T 19 00:00:52.759 --> 00:00:54.679 shirt she'd hemm from me by hand last fall and 20 00:00:54.759 --> 00:00:57.960 moving it from one pile to the next unnecessarily. I 21 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:01.200 hovered by the coffee machine, watching you coming to day. 22 00:01:01.359 --> 00:01:04.040 I told Terry, you might have new gossip. I expected 23 00:01:04.040 --> 00:01:06.200 the easy, derisive laughed from her, the one with the 24 00:01:06.239 --> 00:01:09.599 huff in it. She didn't look up. Maybe skip this one, 25 00:01:09.640 --> 00:01:13.120 she said, too bright. Honestly, Matt, it's not you've seene 26 00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:15.920 any more, love. I was half way through grim before 27 00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:18.519 I've realized, she meant it. Come on, you're the one 28 00:01:18.519 --> 00:01:21.719 who drags me when I get hammet. Why? She shrugged, 29 00:01:21.719 --> 00:01:25.400 folding another shirt. Her eyes, usually quick to find mine, 30 00:01:25.439 --> 00:01:27.760 stayed fixed on a distant spot just above my left shoulder. 31 00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:30.560 Her foam lit up beside her. She checked it, hesitated, 32 00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:34.280 thum something quickly. I've got this gallery client early meeting. 33 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:37.480 Claudia wants me sharp. Don't wait up, Claudia doesn't dwe 34 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:40.760 week ends, I said, only lightly teasing. She gave a quick, 35 00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:43.439 fluttery smile, then the kind of practice kiss that doesn't linger. 36 00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:47.319 Clients don't sleep any more. Apparently. She shoved a notebook 37 00:01:47.359 --> 00:01:49.799 into her bag, gathered a scarf, and was half way 38 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:52.760 out the door. It all took maybe thirty seconds. But 39 00:01:52.840 --> 00:01:54.480 I stood there after the click of the door, the 40 00:01:54.519 --> 00:01:57.760 half filled much heavy in my hand. The silence felt different, 41 00:01:58.480 --> 00:02:01.719 not angry, silence, just expected, as if an answer should appear. 42 00:02:02.280 --> 00:02:05.719 Had I forgotten an argument? Had she? What was it? 43 00:02:05.799 --> 00:02:08.000 Something in me that I miss vestering some lint in 44 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:10.919 the partnership we'd always thought was self cleaning. I drank 45 00:02:10.919 --> 00:02:13.199 my coffee coal, telling myself i'd laugh about it later. 46 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:15.800 Maybe I would have, if the sense of being quietly 47 00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:18.599 pushed aside hadn't stuck turning everything else that day to 48 00:02:18.680 --> 00:02:21.360 have to taste. The truth is, I never used to 49 00:02:21.400 --> 00:02:24.719 worry much about Lena. Not like that we were two 50 00:02:24.759 --> 00:02:27.280 branches twisting around each other for a decade should anchor 51 00:02:27.319 --> 00:02:30.319 me when my unpredictable frielance life started Kreenane, I dragged 52 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:32.280 her to jazz knights and lay courtage shows when the 53 00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:35.039 gallery scene wore her patients thin. We met when I 54 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:36.520 was just a guy sketching at the back of a 55 00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:39.759 gallery showing off postcomic realism and she was curating her 56 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:42.759 first group shore. I still remember the electric thrill of 57 00:02:42.759 --> 00:02:45.240 her lecture to a gaggle students pointed whitty, the rare 58 00:02:45.280 --> 00:02:47.960 sort of incisive that made you want her approval. She 59 00:02:48.039 --> 00:02:49.919 came up to me, tucked her hair behind her ear, 60 00:02:49.960 --> 00:02:52.000 and as if we'd met before, told me I needed 61 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:53.639 to put my best piece up for an next time. 62 00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:56.439 If you can't stand behind it, nobody else will you know? 63 00:02:57.039 --> 00:02:59.719 I wanted her to see everything after that. Those first 64 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:01.759 years blowed into late night walks when the city was 65 00:03:01.800 --> 00:03:03.800 still a mystery, each of us plotting out routes to 66 00:03:03.840 --> 00:03:06.520 new murals or pop up shows. We hosted pietees of 67 00:03:06.520 --> 00:03:08.960 fuel brainstorms in our concrete shoe box of an apartment, 68 00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:12.479 our kitchen table covered in paint, receipts and tangled power chords, 69 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:15.159 always some once half finished beer sweating into an art book. 70 00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:17.599 People knew to expect us as a p same side 71 00:03:17.639 --> 00:03:20.280 of the gallery, always rooting for the other. The city 72 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:23.560 was full of gissma and chaos. I freelanced for anyone 73 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:25.919 with enough money to pay. Lena's persistence landed her the 74 00:03:25.919 --> 00:03:28.240 assistant direct a job at Claudia's gallery at pillow of 75 00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:31.719 the downtown scene. She wore confidence the way a warping stains, 76 00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:34.080 like it was a second skin, but wasn't free to 77 00:03:34.120 --> 00:03:36.159 show offer us softer edges to me, her dorky taste 78 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:38.919 in midmnuts, two thousands playlists, her habit of jeweling, strange 79 00:03:38.919 --> 00:03:41.759 little monsters, and the margins of paperwork. What kept us 80 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:44.120 going were the small things. The city walks. The monthly 81 00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:47.800 artist brunch arguing over his playlist was actually good background noise, 82 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:50.319 easy trash talk that never stunned late night debates that 83 00:03:50.479 --> 00:03:52.240 ended with both of us clowning through a dance off 84 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:55.000 on bread bar rugs. We take turns being the voice 85 00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:56.680 of reason whenever one of us hit a wall, her 86 00:03:56.680 --> 00:03:59.000 suthing my panic, when a commission fell through, me nudging 87 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:02.080 her back to earth. When galluy politics got toxic. Even 88 00:04:02.120 --> 00:04:04.039 on broke weeks, we still found a way to split 89 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:05.520 a bottle of wine and make a dinner out of 90 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:08.639 left over cheese. Our friends joked through a one argument 91 00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:11.199 away from starting a co op. Lena and I could 92 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:14.240 bicker without drawing blood, critique each other's were cashly, and 93 00:04:14.280 --> 00:04:17.279 then swought playlists two hours later. What made it work 94 00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:20.000 with the assumption, sometimes unconscious, that no one else really 95 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:22.879 got us this way. Other couples mounted down in public 96 00:04:22.959 --> 00:04:24.959 or split off at parties, we'd be the ones locking 97 00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:27.199 eyes from across a room, sharing a private signal or 98 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:30.879 inside joke. Even with our unfreelance hours and late gallery knights, 99 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:33.040 it always felt like, at the core we were on 100 00:04:33.079 --> 00:04:36.439 the same team. That's why when Lena's restlessness first started 101 00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:38.680 showing at the seams, I wanted to chalk it up 102 00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:41.600 to a rough patch, some new exhibit, stress or secret project. 103 00:04:42.279 --> 00:04:44.879 We each had careers that abed and flowed, and sometimes 104 00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:47.079 the city felt like it only rewarded people willing to 105 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:50.199 burn themselves out. But something started gnawing at me all 106 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:53.439 the same, not just that word Sunday, but the days after. 107 00:04:53.560 --> 00:04:56.759 As our little rituals began cracking apart, she stopped sharing 108 00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:58.720 the messer of stories from her day, coming home with 109 00:04:58.800 --> 00:05:01.519 nothing but clipper caps and anoying artist new install fuss, 110 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:04.560 long line for coffee, you know how it is. When 111 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:07.120 she did talk, it was in short, distracted burrs, her 112 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:09.600 attention half captured by her phone or half finished email. 113 00:05:10.199 --> 00:05:12.319 Once I caught her texting with the phone face down 114 00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:15.000 when I entered the room, her body tensing. She'd leave 115 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:17.360 for her study under the predens of just a work crisis, 116 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:19.720 even after dinner, whispering into the phone with the door 117 00:05:19.800 --> 00:05:22.959 crack just enough to feel closed. Lena's gallery drama had 118 00:05:22.959 --> 00:05:25.079 always been a soap opera. She kept me co starring 119 00:05:25.160 --> 00:05:29.839 in back stopping colleagues, unhinged galleries, redless buyers with oddtics. 120 00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.319 But suddenly stories dried up. If I asked about an 121 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:35.120 art as she used to vent about, she'd wive me off. 122 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:38.199 It's not important. You know how boring Claudie gets. More 123 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:40.199 than once, she all but shut down discussion. If I 124 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:42.920 mention going to an opening together, honestly, it'll be all 125 00:05:42.920 --> 00:05:46.120 fifteen minute networking and cheap white wine. He'd hate it, babe. 126 00:05:46.279 --> 00:05:49.160 Next one. Maybe it all would have been easier to 127 00:05:49.160 --> 00:05:52.199 swallow if her absences came of matching exhaustion. But she'd 128 00:05:52.279 --> 00:05:55.560 arrive home late, cheeks flushed, eyes cluttering, not the drained wirably, 129 00:05:55.560 --> 00:05:58.560 and I'd expect after a night of gallery teterras, she'd 130 00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:00.600 breathe by me Mmber that she was dying for a 131 00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:03.079 shower and disappear into the steam without pausing to trade 132 00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:06.680 the dese sketches like weird for years. Once, while she 133 00:06:06.759 --> 00:06:09.000 was piling up dishes in the kitchen, her phone buzzed. 134 00:06:09.560 --> 00:06:13.040 I checked the time. Midnight, She left it on the counter, locked, 135 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:15.160 but the preview glord for a second a message from 136 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:17.680 workund not Claudia's name. I checked her contacts for years 137 00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:20.079 out of idle curiosity, ending with half a strain of 138 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.360 emoji's victory and a times down. But we've passed any 139 00:06:22.360 --> 00:06:25.319 client dinner. When she saw me glancing at the screen, 140 00:06:25.480 --> 00:06:28.199 Lena hustled over, palm down, smiled, just a hair too tight. 141 00:06:28.920 --> 00:06:32.439 Just Claudia, as she said, sends memes now when she's tipsy. 142 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:35.079 Don't ask. Then she pocketed the phone like she just 143 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:37.759 swiped a valuable trinket. We'd always been the couple who 144 00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:41.439 kept nothing locked away, not passwords, not private hangouts. But 145 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:43.800 now she carried her phone with her everywhere, even into 146 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:46.120 the bathroom, even to bed, keeping the screen tilted away 147 00:06:46.120 --> 00:06:49.079 from me. I found myself making excuses for the distance. 148 00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:52.000 It's a cruel thing. The more someone you love withdrawals, 149 00:06:52.040 --> 00:06:54.360 the more you want to take the blame yourself. I 150 00:06:54.439 --> 00:06:56.879 told myself, I've been working too much. Two entangled in 151 00:06:56.920 --> 00:06:59.720 commissions that cut into our catch time. There were weeks 152 00:06:59.720 --> 00:07:02.240 said barely noticed. If she got home before or after midnight, 153 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:04.879 I'd start screen until my eyes crossed, then collapse in 154 00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:08.040 a heap. Maybe she was only keeping pace, pushing twelve 155 00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:10.920 hour days to keep Claudia happy, networking for her independent 156 00:07:10.959 --> 00:07:15.000 curation dreams. But the hollow feeling wouldn't leave. I lay 157 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:18.040 beside her some nights, our body separated by an imaginary 158 00:07:18.040 --> 00:07:21.240 line down the sheets. She slept with her back tightly curved, 159 00:07:21.439 --> 00:07:23.360 never reaching from a hand like she always had. When 160 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:26.240 she drifted off. On one of those nights, I started 161 00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:28.399 to think about who actually got to see her smile now. 162 00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:31.439 The weirdness only grew more visible now that I was 163 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:35.360 looking for it. Overheard snatches of conversations, muted laughter from 164 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:38.199 behind the study door. I'd step out to fetch something 165 00:07:38.199 --> 00:07:40.959 from the bowdgear and come back to fine linimid conversation 166 00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:42.879 on the fern, voice low and soft in a way 167 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:46.000 I'd only ever have for close friends. She'd snap upright, 168 00:07:46.199 --> 00:07:49.800 say just a mirror gallery stuff and pivotal question about groceries. 169 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:53.439 We always had a cold. If you're stuck, call me install. 170 00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:56.160 Now she'd never ask me to lend a hand or 171 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:58.600 brainswim her way out of a jam, instead emerging from 172 00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:00.839 long phone calls with the glazed of someone who'd been 173 00:08:00.879 --> 00:08:04.000 far away. I kept rationalizing there was always a reason 174 00:08:04.040 --> 00:08:06.800 not to push, the exhaustion. They need to let her 175 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.279 handle her own stress, the idea that pressing her would 176 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:12.399 make me seem like some jealous sit comediot. Then little 177 00:08:12.439 --> 00:08:15.240 things started to add up. One evening, I glanced at 178 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:18.519 our joint bank account while paying for groceries. Nothing huge 179 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:21.160 at first, just oddities, a string of cafe charges and 180 00:08:21.160 --> 00:08:24.000 neighbor has Lena never mentioned visiting often late in the evening. 181 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:26.959 I shrugged him. Maybe she started holding offsete meetings to 182 00:08:27.000 --> 00:08:30.319 avoid gallery chaos. But then I saw receipts for bars. 183 00:08:30.360 --> 00:08:32.799 I recognized Edgar's for One, a favorite hunt for the 184 00:08:32.840 --> 00:08:35.440 city's younger crowd, and a midnight stomping ground for some 185 00:08:35.480 --> 00:08:39.360 of the hungriest, most ambitious artists. Lena had always rolled 186 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:41.759 her eyes at the scene, calling it posturing for people 187 00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:44.799 under thirty. New there were cocktail and newber charges there, 188 00:08:44.840 --> 00:08:47.519 sometimes two or three in a week. Some nights, she 189 00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:49.399 tell me she was staying late to rearrange in our 190 00:08:49.399 --> 00:08:51.559 coming show. Yet the cab seats clocked in long after 191 00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:55.600 the galley's lights wet. Our friends, too, began quietly digging 192 00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:58.759 in their own little shovels. Sarah, who co hosted half 193 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:01.320 our pop ups, texted me made mischief at the US 194 00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:03.360 gallery night. Lena dropped by for a sec. Hope you 195 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:06.240 both o K. Haven't seen you together for ages. I 196 00:09:06.279 --> 00:09:08.360 blinked at the message for half an hour before answering 197 00:09:08.960 --> 00:09:10.799 I hadn't even known there was a gallery night. She 198 00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:12.960 told me she'd be working late on a grand proposal. 199 00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:15.759 A few days later, after I'd sent Lena Dumman to 200 00:09:15.840 --> 00:09:18.519 cheer her up, she responded hours later with only thumbs up. 201 00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:21.960 I checked her social media that night. Lately, her posts 202 00:09:21.960 --> 00:09:25.200 were all work stories, mostly back stage at the gallery drinks, 203 00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:28.320 candid flashes of new art group selfies. One caught my 204 00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:30.559 eye crowd at a dim lit bar, Lena's hair wild 205 00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:32.559 in a way I hadn't seen since the early days, 206 00:09:32.879 --> 00:09:35.919 and in the foreground a guy I didn't recognize, arms 207 00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:38.919 slung loose over her chair, tag said work her catch 208 00:09:38.919 --> 00:09:40.720 all for public posts by the way they leaned in 209 00:09:40.919 --> 00:09:43.240 laughing at something private, said offen Aka tried to shake 210 00:09:43.240 --> 00:09:46.519 off as nothing. By the next weekend, Lina's absences became 211 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:48.720 a joke to our circle, except, as it turns out, 212 00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.039 not everyone found it so harmless. At brunch with Sarah 213 00:09:52.039 --> 00:09:55.519 and a mirror, they traded glances over Mimosa's Lina's really 214 00:09:55.559 --> 00:09:59.519 jumped into the new scene. Hah, Sarah said, always with 215 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:03.080 that paint. What's his name? Marco? I tried to laugh along, 216 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:05.120 but both of them watched me out of the corners 217 00:10:05.159 --> 00:10:08.279 of their eyes, measuring my reaction. I went home merrily 218 00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:11.200 to brunch as dry in my throat. Around the apartment, 219 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:15.639 the changes became impossible to ignore. Lena style shifted. She 220 00:10:15.720 --> 00:10:17.960 had always been bled when the mood hit warver boise, 221 00:10:18.080 --> 00:10:20.679 but now there was a new curated edge, flashy unker 222 00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:23.480 or streepa with more jewelry, bolder lipstick for gallery days. 223 00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:26.000 When I mention it trying for playful. Is this for 224 00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:30.120 branding or for clined intimidation? She shrug not unkindly. Claudia 225 00:10:30.120 --> 00:10:32.279 wants us to step it up. Apparently it gets noticed. 226 00:10:32.840 --> 00:10:35.919 Other habits turned upside down. The Friday night date we'd 227 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:38.399 kept alive since Gard's school was suddenly too much after 228 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:39.960 a long week, as she'd urged me to hang with 229 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:44.440 my studio friends instead. Afterward, scrolling half heartedly through Instagram, 230 00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:46.559 I'd see her tagged in a crowded bar, laughing with 231 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:50.039 an all new crew. Every caption tagged work. Sometimes there 232 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:52.759 was a partial glimpse of the same man, Marco, raising 233 00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:55.879 a glass beside her. Our intimacy had windled, even the 234 00:10:55.919 --> 00:10:58.840 casual affection fading. When I tried to cull against her 235 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:01.159 on the couch or trace lines down her arm the 236 00:11:01.159 --> 00:11:02.679 way I used to when we wanted to check in, 237 00:11:02.759 --> 00:11:05.840 she flinched almost imperceptibly, then lean away it, scrolling furiously 238 00:11:05.879 --> 00:11:08.720 to email, like she couldn't risk a conversation. Even the 239 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:11.559 pop up shows supposed to be our shared stage became awkward. 240 00:11:12.080 --> 00:11:14.120 Lena would introduce me with a polite smile of Matt's 241 00:11:14.120 --> 00:11:16.360 got a new series next month, you should check it out, 242 00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:18.919 and then excuse herself, orbiting a way faster than she'd 243 00:11:18.919 --> 00:11:20.720 ever needed it before, as if I was a guest, 244 00:11:20.799 --> 00:11:23.840 or worse in the way. Once I overheard her on 245 00:11:23.840 --> 00:11:26.240 a zoom call through the thin walls, her voice softer lilting, 246 00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:30.120 don't worry, yes me too soon. I couldn't catch the rest. 247 00:11:30.799 --> 00:11:32.919 When I pressed my ear against the door. The conversation 248 00:11:33.080 --> 00:11:36.600 ended with abrupt silence and a shuffling of papers. Mutual 249 00:11:36.600 --> 00:11:39.080 friends stopped by less, but now when we ran into them, 250 00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:41.600 there was awkwardness in the way. They commented on our absence. 251 00:11:42.279 --> 00:11:45.039 A mirror once asked, you guys still do city walks together? 252 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:47.519 Lena keeps saying she's always working late, but we see 253 00:11:47.559 --> 00:11:50.919 her out law. Sarah, at another brunch, fidgeted with her 254 00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:54.279 jewelry and added that Marco guy, he's like everywhere with her. 255 00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:56.279 Hope you don't mind, but people have noticed. Not that 256 00:11:56.320 --> 00:11:59.360 it's any of our business. She trailed off, read creeping 257 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:02.879 up her cheeks. I kept swerving between suspicion and self doubt. 258 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:06.080 Was I jealous because she had a new friend? Was 259 00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:08.519 I just threatened by the clubby art world being older, 260 00:12:08.840 --> 00:12:11.559 more settle, and, let's be honest, maybe just a bit 261 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:15.080 less dazzing Lately? I hated how easily that explanation fit. 262 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:18.120 The clincher came when the next artist brunch rolled round. 263 00:12:18.759 --> 00:12:21.960 I prepped for it, needing some flicker of normalcy, pulled 264 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:24.039 out a black shirt Lena had insisted made me look 265 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:26.159 like a brooding French our critic, the one she'd made 266 00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:28.240 fun of because of the tiny bleached bottom the hem 267 00:12:28.759 --> 00:12:31.240 I expected her to announce her own plans, maybe promised 268 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:34.519 to meet me after instead. She almost seemed annoyed when 269 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.240 I brought it up. I really can't this time, she said, 270 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:40.039 over shoppening her eyeliner. Can you not make a thing 271 00:12:40.080 --> 00:12:42.159 of it? I need all day to prep for cudyus event. 272 00:12:42.840 --> 00:12:46.120 I shrugged, Lena, I've always gone. People will notice if 273 00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:49.279 you're there by yourself. She stopped, brush boised in the air, 274 00:12:49.320 --> 00:12:52.559 expression shuttered. Can you just go without me? Or don't? 275 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:55.360 It's really not your crowd these days. She grew out 276 00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:58.480 her phone and started typing furiously, refusing to meet my eyes. 277 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:00.759 I left her there the ear I should call her bluff, 278 00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:03.120 battling the fear that by bushing out wide in the gap. 279 00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:06.080 Walking into the brunch felt different, this time, a friction 280 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:09.240 under muskin. The usual jokes were quieter, the glances a 281 00:13:09.240 --> 00:13:12.720 little too curious. Near the espresso cart, someone Joel, an 282 00:13:12.759 --> 00:13:16.080 acquaintance whose sense of timing is always off, approached, eyebrows high. 283 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:18.919 Didn't expect to see you here to day? Man? What 284 00:13:19.879 --> 00:13:21.720 I tried to play a call though my face burned. 285 00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:26.639 He shrugged, cryptic. I just thought, never mind. He moved off, 286 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:29.720 leaving the implication hanging heavy in the air. I wanted 287 00:13:29.720 --> 00:13:32.200 to shake it off and enjoy the familiar swirl of conversation, 288 00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:34.720 but there were other looks, people pausing in mid sentence 289 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:37.720 as I passed. No one said anything direct. I suppose 290 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:40.399 that's a kindness of the city until it isn't. I 291 00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:42.600 lasted less than an hour before ducking out the course. 292 00:13:42.600 --> 00:13:44.399 I grabbed for Lena's sweating in my hand the hole 293 00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:47.960 walk home. Not long after lena station intervention of her own. 294 00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:50.879 One night, late and careful, she poured us both glasses 295 00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:52.919 of wine in all bottle I'd been saving, and told me, 296 00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:55.399 I need you to understand, I'm just in a tough patch. 297 00:13:55.519 --> 00:13:58.840 Matt Claudy's new expectations are impossible. The late night new people. 298 00:13:58.919 --> 00:14:01.679 I know, it's been weird. She squeezed my hand, her 299 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:05.080 grip at once desperate and remote. I'm sorry, I'm not myself. 300 00:14:05.200 --> 00:14:07.120 I was trying not to drag you into the politics. 301 00:14:07.159 --> 00:14:09.000 I just wanted to protect it from all this mess. 302 00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:12.519 She made her voice shake just a little. I feel 303 00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:14.360 like I am treading water, and if I talk about it, 304 00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:16.440 I'll start hate in the whole scene. So please just 305 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:18.120 hand on. I don't want us to become one of 306 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:21.519 those couples that loses the thread. I blinked, relief and embarrassment, 307 00:14:21.519 --> 00:14:24.159 both fighting for space in my chest. It made sense 308 00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:26.600 the pressure she described, the need to keep up appearances, 309 00:14:26.759 --> 00:14:30.840 especially under Claudia's famous passive regression. Lena hated looking weak 310 00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:32.919 to any one, and maybe it was true. Maybe she 311 00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:35.320 just climbed up to keep her stress from poisoning our quiet. 312 00:14:35.879 --> 00:14:39.360 She apologized for being distant, promised we'd reset, suggested a 313 00:14:39.360 --> 00:14:41.879 week end up state, just us hiking and no fawns. 314 00:14:42.519 --> 00:14:44.840 That night, the tension ebbed for the first time in weeks. 315 00:14:45.559 --> 00:14:47.279 She let her hand linger on my chest as we 316 00:14:47.320 --> 00:14:50.480 fell asleep. In the morning, we talked about driving out, 317 00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:52.440 finding the old trails we used to get lost on. 318 00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.000 For a few days, I felt something like hope and 319 00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:56.919 held desperately to it, even as a part of me 320 00:14:57.000 --> 00:14:59.759 remained weary. But as our trip approached, Leana back out 321 00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:03.200 of the last possible hour crisis at the gallery, she said, 322 00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:05.519 foam pressed to her ear suitcase and opened at the 323 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:08.120 foot of the bed. Claudius got me running point for 324 00:15:08.159 --> 00:15:10.679 an event to night. Can't leave her hanging. I'm sorry. 325 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:13.879 Next weekend for sure O K. She darted for a 326 00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:16.600 quick kiss, but barely met my eyes. I spent the 327 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:20.159 night in swirling whiskey and half watching TV. Near midnight, 328 00:15:20.200 --> 00:15:22.799 scrolling through stories from our circle, I saw Lena smile, 329 00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:24.399 light up my phone, posing with a group at a 330 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:27.080 gleaming new gallery dinner, arm loop loosely around Mark out 331 00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:28.720 or face pressed close to us in a way that 332 00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:32.120 felt like a private language. The caption read hash gallery 333 00:15:32.159 --> 00:15:35.679 found hashed teamwork, no mention of me, not a single 334 00:15:35.720 --> 00:15:38.840 other face I knew well enough to text. The next morning, 335 00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:41.559 I scrolled through my contacts thum pausing on a mutual 336 00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:44.799 friend who'd been at the dinner. I typed, deleted, typed again. 337 00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:48.080 Finally I sent a careful message, Hey, was Lena at 338 00:15:48.080 --> 00:15:50.360 Claudia's thing last night? She said it was Vike only 339 00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:52.480 didn't want to bother her, but the reply took nearly 340 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:56.039 an hour. Finally, Yes, she was there with Marco all night. 341 00:15:56.200 --> 00:15:58.840 I didn't want to say they were close. Sorry, Matt. 342 00:15:59.399 --> 00:16:01.360 My chest high and as the words set in, but 343 00:16:01.440 --> 00:16:03.840 I still clung to the need for proof. I hadn't 344 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:06.000 stock lean as phone for years, not even out of 345 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:09.240 Pannoi I trusted her. Now, I remembered that we'd enabled 346 00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:12.600 location sharing once years ago, after a missing wallet crisis. 347 00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:15.080 I opened the app, not sure what I was hoping 348 00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:17.679 to see. The dots didn't lie. Her phone had been 349 00:16:17.720 --> 00:16:19.679 at Marco's loft on more than one night. She claimed 350 00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:22.200 to be late at work. Still I tried to tell 351 00:16:22.200 --> 00:16:25.360 myself there was a rational explanation. Maybe it was a group, 352 00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:28.360 maybe she'd needed a ride home. But as the days mounted, 353 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:31.440 the pattern repeated. I scoured our apartment out of nerves, 354 00:16:31.519 --> 00:16:33.440 as if expecting to find an old sketch shed made 355 00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:36.720 for me still talk somewhere near her socks. Instead, behind 356 00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:39.320 stack of dusty out reference books, I found a slim, 357 00:16:39.480 --> 00:16:42.200 battered sketch, but when I hadn't seen in years, I 358 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:45.879 flipped it open. There in Leana's neat pencil lines, intimate, 359 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:49.639 unguarded drawings of Marco's face, hands, even as unremarkable green 360 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:53.240 trainers annotated in Lena's playful handwriting, M dance is better 361 00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:56.320 than he paints, don't tell him. And in one crowded page, 362 00:16:56.360 --> 00:16:58.840 the faces press cooast together, a soft laugh on her lips. 363 00:16:58.840 --> 00:17:01.200 Only I had believed was mine to see. I sat 364 00:17:01.240 --> 00:17:03.679 on the paint stained floor, but trembling in my hands. 365 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:07.079 The images were too detailed, too familiar, for the theory 366 00:17:07.079 --> 00:17:10.119 of innocent friendship to hold up any longer. I rationed 367 00:17:10.119 --> 00:17:11.720 the pain, tried to stack it up the way i'd 368 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:14.799 organize an illustration, shadows first, then lines than color, hoping 369 00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:17.759 it might surrender to logic, or, failing that, disintegrate under 370 00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:20.599 its own way. Still, I was nauseated at the idea 371 00:17:20.599 --> 00:17:22.839 of confronting her, afraid that if I blundered in, I'd 372 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:25.799 be the architect of my own humiliation. So I tried 373 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:29.920 another route. I reached out to em Lena's closest confidant, 374 00:17:30.039 --> 00:17:32.480 sending the most careful text I've ever written. A mirror 375 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:34.440 is if something I should know. I keep thinking I'm 376 00:17:34.440 --> 00:17:37.039 making something out of nothing, but I feel crazy lately. 377 00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:40.039 Does Lena? Is she happy with me? She called, after 378 00:17:40.079 --> 00:17:43.640 a long silence, her voice low, cautious, mat eyed. It's 379 00:17:43.720 --> 00:17:45.759 not my place. She's your wife. You should talk to her. 380 00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:49.079 If people get tangled up sometimes don't believe everything on Instagram. 381 00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:52.599 I press my own voice, brittle a miror please. I'm 382 00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:54.799 not trying to trap her. I just want the truth. 383 00:17:55.400 --> 00:17:58.559 A pause then a sigh. She's been distant. I worry 384 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:00.519 she was in over her head. That's all I can say, 385 00:18:01.079 --> 00:18:05.000 the wrong kind of confirmation. The days blurred. Lena came 386 00:18:05.039 --> 00:18:08.000 home late, wrapped in music and exhaustion. When I tried 387 00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:09.559 to meet her gaze to ask her how she was 388 00:18:09.599 --> 00:18:12.279 should deflect, to complain about Claudia, bring up some trivial 389 00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:14.920 gallery politics, law of accuisitions, about me, hiding in no 390 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:18.680 salgic routines, anything to keep the focus off her. Once 391 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:21.559 she accused me of being jealous, of not respecting her grind. 392 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:24.880 Not everyone can cut mat Maybe you're just afraid I'll 393 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:26.920 up grow you, she said, her voice so sharp I 394 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:29.400 almost missed a fear in. I didn't say what I 395 00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:31.240 was really thinking that I'd have preferred anything to this 396 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:34.720 low to solve. I'd have taken anger, anything but this steady, 397 00:18:34.759 --> 00:18:38.799 careful distance. One evening, long after midnight, Lena stumbled into 398 00:18:38.839 --> 00:18:41.160 the bedroom, cheeked, upping from some night air at the 399 00:18:41.160 --> 00:18:44.000 scent of tobacco on her clothes. I waited until she 400 00:18:44.079 --> 00:18:46.519 dropped her beckoned as gently as I could ask the 401 00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:49.000