1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: Fall is here. The air's crisp, the coffee's pumpkined, and 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,719 you're ride well, it's still squeaking like a haunted house. 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,919 Time to drive into Fall. At Victor Chrysler Dodge Jeep 4 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,240 ram On Root ninety six in Victor, where they've got 5 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,160 deals hotter than your neighbor's bonfire. Right now, you can 6 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,160 lease a new twenty twenty five Jeep Compass Limited four 7 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:21,440 by four for just two sixty nine a month for 8 00:00:21,519 --> 00:00:25,199 twenty four months. That's right. Get into something safe, stylish, 9 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,320 and way more reliable than your cousins. Trust me, it'll 10 00:00:28,399 --> 00:00:32,039 make it car. Or maybe you're the adventurous type. 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Because this Fall, the 27 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:24,400 only thing you should be falling for is a brand 28 00:01:24,439 --> 00:01:27,640 new ride when your old career gives you lemons throwing 29 00:01:27,719 --> 00:01:32,560 some ice mix in some vodka. Call it a podcast 30 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:36,680 from the Mac of All Trade Studio in Fairport and 31 00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:41,120 driven by Victor Chrysler Dots Jeep Ram. It's Billified, the 32 00:01:41,280 --> 00:02:01,040 Bill Moran Podcast. Way, Hello and welcome solo from my 33 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:05,040 Solo Cup. I don't even know what that means. I 34 00:02:05,079 --> 00:02:06,799 told you I was gonna do these once in a while, 35 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,560 so this is a solo one and I won't be 36 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:19,960 as expensive as our other episodes. But I thought it'd 37 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,800 be interesting to come in here and kind of tell 38 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,000 you something. Somebody said I should be kind of keeping 39 00:02:24,039 --> 00:02:26,039 a diary of things and this might be a way 40 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,000 to sort of do that. Every once in a while, 41 00:02:28,039 --> 00:02:31,520 I'll pop in and we'll just do like the diaries, 42 00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:37,080 because there's a lot happy, there's a lot happening. Man, 43 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:43,039 I gotta tell you, and I'll start with Here's where 44 00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:46,280 I'll start. I think every one of us in life 45 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:53,319 has something that comes up that scares us and excites us. 46 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,479 And I guess it kind of becomes that fork in 47 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,840 the road, right you can go one way or the 48 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:02,840 other saying I used to say. I used to say, 49 00:03:02,879 --> 00:03:06,879 if it scares me, I'm gonna do it. And I've 50 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:11,319 been like that pretty much my whole life, just like 51 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,360 I don't stop to weigh the pros and cons because 52 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,319 if I do, I know I'm not gonna do it right, 53 00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:21,159 So if it But now I'm thinking, if it scares 54 00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:23,719 you and excites you, because all these things that I 55 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,400 did all my life and when I'm talking about is 56 00:03:26,439 --> 00:03:29,319 stupid shit, Like hey, how about we climb up on 57 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:34,479 the roof strip completely naked and will jump into we 58 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,039 call them bottle cap pools, but pools that were like 59 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,599 what three and a half four feet deep right off 60 00:03:40,599 --> 00:03:43,240 the roof of the house, you know, two story houses. 61 00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:46,919 So those are like dumb things to do, but it 62 00:03:47,439 --> 00:03:51,199 excited me. I like that. I love sort of in 63 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,479 a way. I don't know that I live on the edge. 64 00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:56,479 I'm not a F one driver that's living on the edge, 65 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,120 but I think I could have gotten there. I mean 66 00:03:59,159 --> 00:04:02,560 in some way, I have this fucked up ability to 67 00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:08,439 just like uber calm myself at times. And so there's that. 68 00:04:08,719 --> 00:04:11,479 And you know, I'm jumping off bridges as kids, Like 69 00:04:11,479 --> 00:04:14,599 we're all partying and drinking and somebody says, hey, we 70 00:04:14,639 --> 00:04:17,519 should jump in, and these girls jump in. So of course, 71 00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:23,439 who's an ex naked into the creek? Me? But you 72 00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:27,160 never stopped to go, hey, there could be a rock 73 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,240 that we can't see. It's dark out, who knows if 74 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,600 there is, Like I don't know somebody's old fishing line 75 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,800 you're gonna get at. There's all kinds of shit that 76 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,560 your parents, and as parents, we would say to our kids, right. 77 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:43,399 But I think that sometimes we hold ourselves back from 78 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:48,600 maybe living our full life. I think there's two things 79 00:04:48,639 --> 00:04:51,519 that I'm learning that we do that holds us back 80 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,959 from our full life. And that's why when the opportunity 81 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,519 came up and doctor rob Rice was in here and 82 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,920 kind of explained it for me to go back and 83 00:05:00,959 --> 00:05:06,800 get a master's degree in mental health counseling. I didn't 84 00:05:07,079 --> 00:05:10,680 I had that moment right, but it excited me, like, hey, 85 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,160 an opportunity to learn something new. It's something that I 86 00:05:13,199 --> 00:05:15,240 feel like I have a lot of transferable skills, even 87 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,680 from radio and stuff, and I'll explain kind of how 88 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,959 that works. All I'm saying to you is, if there's 89 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,279 something that both excites you and scares you, do it. 90 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,160 Fucking do it, you know, and it doesn't have to 91 00:05:27,199 --> 00:05:29,160 be something like going down to the dragstrip. You know, 92 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,240 my buddy, Hey, we rented out the dragstrip for the day. 93 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,439 We've got a bunch of cars. You want to come 94 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,199 down And I've never dragged race in an official drag strip. 95 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,199 So to go down there and you know, top out 96 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:43,279 one sixty one forty whatever is thrilling. It's also scary. 97 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:45,079 You could lose your your shit and go into the 98 00:05:45,199 --> 00:05:49,120 I don't think about those things. But what I'm saying 99 00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:52,360 is that there's something that excites you and scares you, 100 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,519 do it. Like if it's somebody says to you, hey, 101 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,639 we should go to uh, let's go to Zurich or 102 00:05:58,639 --> 00:06:01,480 a Switzerland. Let's go to Zurich and let's ski. And 103 00:06:01,519 --> 00:06:03,439 you're like, oh god, that would be so amazing, but 104 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,639 I can't. But I find a way, find a fucking way, 105 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,600 go do it, because those are the things you're gonna 106 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,959 remember in life. So when it came to the grad 107 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,439 school thing for me, I didn't sit down. It wasn't 108 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,560 like I had been planning for months, here's my next move, 109 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,879 I'm gonna do this, and we're researching school. I didn't. 110 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,560 I didn't at all. It just came about. And sometimes 111 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,319 I also think like, well, maybe if we believe in 112 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,920 the proverbial signs, that's the sign. Right. So I'm in 113 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,720 this class, I'm in these classes. Now, we're past midterms. 114 00:06:37,399 --> 00:06:40,680 I think I did pretty good. The month of November 115 00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:42,839 is going to be a ton of work, and there's 116 00:06:42,879 --> 00:06:45,240 also these group projects and things. And you got to remember, 117 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,560 like I've been very honest about my age and stuff 118 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,920 throughout my life. I'm fifty four years old. Kind of 119 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,680 an odd time to go back to school, right, You 120 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,720 would think, even how do you learn and how do 121 00:06:55,759 --> 00:06:59,759 you go back? The great thing is that throughout my 122 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,000 radio career and even the podcast. I've had to do 123 00:07:04,079 --> 00:07:07,120 so much prep and memorize so much stuff and learn 124 00:07:07,199 --> 00:07:10,120 things I didn't know that it's second nature to me. 125 00:07:10,199 --> 00:07:12,639 I can like bang, It's like remember in a comedy 126 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,040 set right, you know are things you're gonna forget. But 127 00:07:15,279 --> 00:07:18,600 for the most part, I figured I could walk through 128 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:23,360 this and be okay. Now's when it comes to crunch time, 129 00:07:23,439 --> 00:07:25,319 and my sister, who has a doctorate, said to me, 130 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,839 now you see why I always hated Thanksgiving because it 131 00:07:28,879 --> 00:07:31,199 was everything was due at once, and everything is due 132 00:07:31,199 --> 00:07:35,720 at once. But here's the weird part is that in 133 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:41,879 this mental health master's degree, I'm saying it wrong. There 134 00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:46,079 are majority women, and there are guys, and there's some 135 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,959 guys I don't know if they're exactly about my age, 136 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,360 a couple of them. But I wind up in groups 137 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:55,720 like you have group projects and things with all women. 138 00:07:56,839 --> 00:08:00,680 And I have to tell you, honestly, I mean you, 139 00:08:01,399 --> 00:08:04,519 many of you know my story and how the podcast began, 140 00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:07,839 and I don't know. Sometimes I'm afraid to open my mouth. 141 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,240 Not afraid, well, I guess afraid. I guess afraid would 142 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,120 be the word because I'm I'm not scared and excited. 143 00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:17,079 I'm just scared, so I would not. There are times 144 00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:20,639 I don't really want to say anything in there because 145 00:08:20,639 --> 00:08:23,120 I'm afraid that what I'm going to say may be 146 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,199 seen as offensive or what I'm going to say is 147 00:08:26,279 --> 00:08:28,639 going to be like the old guy taken over, and 148 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,639 I don't want to be that person. So I've I've 149 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,639 stayed a little quiet, and somebody kind of got on 150 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,120 my ass a little bit last week. It's like, we 151 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,080 need to hear from you, but it's all Remember it's 152 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,159 all women, some in this group who have said you 153 00:08:39,279 --> 00:08:44,480 remind me of my dad. It's just like, Okay, I 154 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,200 hope you're is a really cool guy. But those are 155 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:52,279 So that's kind of where I'm at with all this stuff, 156 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:56,360 and things are are dialing up, but I am enjoying 157 00:08:56,399 --> 00:08:59,720 it and I am learning a lot, and I think 158 00:08:59,799 --> 00:09:04,519 we're finding a path to keep things kind of going 159 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,720 in a good direction, but keep things going, keep things 160 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,480 going here, keep things going at home, and just finding 161 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:15,000 that way. I will tell you that one of the 162 00:09:15,039 --> 00:09:17,399 things that I have used, and you've heard me on 163 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,120 the other podcast or on the other podcast this is 164 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,919 this is the podcast, this is Billify. You've heard me 165 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,120 say that I've been thinking a lot about Bill Lightman, 166 00:09:27,159 --> 00:09:31,039 and I'll explain that in a second. Two you heard 167 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,039 me say that I've been taking Adderall. So I got 168 00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:38,320 my own prescription for Adderall and there are twenty milligrams, 169 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,159 and man, it was like I took that. I felt 170 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,639 like I was clenching my jaw and I was, I 171 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,200 don't know, like at the end of the day, it 172 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:49,480 was kind of like annoyed and kind of on edge 173 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,559 a little bit, and I didn't really like it. It 174 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:57,000 didn't feel as good as the ones I borrowed from 175 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:02,639 a friend who had ten milligrams slow release. So I 176 00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:04,639 was thinking of calling and changing it and blah blah. 177 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:07,200 And I felt like like my hands swoll one day, 178 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,639 like my blood pressure was up, so I started. I 179 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,879 bought a pill cutter because I could never cut pills 180 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:17,960 in half properly. So I've been splitting these in half 181 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,159 and taking half an ADDI every day. I call them 182 00:10:20,159 --> 00:10:25,639 addies now because I'm an addict. And I also do 183 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,919 my flu bomb thing. Now. My flu bomb is where 184 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:31,559 I take you know, rod ginjerute. I put it through 185 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:34,480 a garlic press. I take some big clove of garlic. 186 00:10:34,519 --> 00:10:37,720 I squeezed that in there. I add in a full lemon, 187 00:10:37,799 --> 00:10:41,519 squeezed the juice in, I put in some honey, a 188 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,480 quarter of a teaspoon of cayenne pepper, and then in 189 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:47,039 warm water. I mixed that shit up and shoot it down. 190 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,480 It's like a boom. And I the reason I did 191 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:53,080 that is I when I was going to the doctor, 192 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,679 they kept saying to me a couple of years ago, like, 193 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:58,399 your blood pressure sort of borderline, Well it's a little high, 194 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,360 we should watch it, blah blah blah. And then I 195 00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:04,799 started doing that, and I'm telling you, garlic is the 196 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,840 antibiotic that you need. I mean, that's like the natural remedy. 197 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,679 God darn, my blood pressure was great. So I'm like, 198 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:13,279 I know what I'll do. I'll start doing that twice 199 00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:15,919 a day. And as it turns out, probably smart because 200 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,080 somebody from one of my groups says they have strep throat, 201 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,720 and you know, there's all and everything's going around, right, 202 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,320 the seasons are starting to change, We're getting in that time, 203 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,679 you're getting your alerts on your phone about come in 204 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:30,039 and get your flu vaccine. So I would say, try 205 00:11:30,039 --> 00:11:33,320 to try the try the flu bump it. But I've 206 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,960 been doing it twice a day, and today is the 207 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:39,000 first day I actually felt pretty good, even taking the 208 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,440 adderall where I'm not feeling like grinding or anything and 209 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,840 I'm getting shit done. There's a piece of me that, 210 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,639 quite honestly, if I'm being real real with you, I'm 211 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:54,159 a little pissed off that I didn't have this earlier 212 00:11:54,159 --> 00:11:57,279 in my life. Now, in six I was diagnosed add 213 00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:04,039 big surprise. But I'm like, how do I say this. 214 00:12:04,879 --> 00:12:07,279 I haven't been in an academic setting in a long time, 215 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:12,080 and I aced my midterms right, Okay, so how is that? 216 00:12:12,159 --> 00:12:16,399 Because I'm not an idiot? But man, my whole life, 217 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,200 you were like kind of the I was the kid 218 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,360 your parents weren't sure if you wanted me to hang 219 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,320 out with you or not. You know what I'm saying, 220 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,679 because I was the one doing all the dumb shit, 221 00:12:27,799 --> 00:12:29,399 Like maybe I wouldn't have had all that fun of 222 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,799 jumping off ruse into ballo cap pools. I don't know. 223 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,360 But I also think I would have done way better 224 00:12:34,399 --> 00:12:38,679 academically because even by and I'm gonna say, you know, 225 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:41,759 we say attendants being there, I'm gonna call it attending 226 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,080 actually paying attention when you're there. I never did, and 227 00:12:45,159 --> 00:12:47,960 I had I kind of got through with like an 228 00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:52,679 eighty seven to ninety average. Imagin if I had adderall 229 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:54,679 I could have fucking you know, I'm like, God, damn, 230 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,039 that's just me kind of looking back, And to be 231 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:03,679 honest with you, I think that I wouldn't really change anything. 232 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,879 Everything happens for a reason at the right time. But 233 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,720 I do find it to be a tool that has 234 00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:11,639 really really helped me, both with the podcast and everything. 235 00:13:11,639 --> 00:13:14,000 Don't forget you know, please go check out the Two 236 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,120 Fit Chicks. It's an entertaining podcast. You're also going to 237 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:21,399 learn some stuff. They have about twelve thirteen episodes that 238 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,120 are up and you can just search them on any platform. 239 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,240 Two Fit Chicks. Just search it out wherever you get 240 00:13:27,279 --> 00:13:30,440 your pot on. But in order to produce that and 241 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,039 do ours and then the blightenment stuff that's starting to 242 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,679 percolate again. You know, you got school, I got a kid, 243 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,600 I got other projects I'm working on. It's like, you're 244 00:13:39,639 --> 00:13:43,720 fucking insane, and somehow this has given me. It doesn't 245 00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:45,559 give you the executive function to do it, but it 246 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,759 gives you the wherewithal to go. Okay, this is what 247 00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:51,240 I got to do. First, and I'm going to get 248 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,879 it done. And that's what's been happening, Like it's just 249 00:13:54,919 --> 00:13:58,159 blown me away, and I do I've always thought where 250 00:13:58,159 --> 00:14:00,879 it's capable of so much more. Excuse me, I have 251 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,919 a little uh. I'll tell you got a little emotional earlier, 252 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:10,279 So there might be some snot it's lovely, I but 253 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,799 the uh, you're just capable of so much more. And 254 00:14:12,799 --> 00:14:16,600 so you're doing so much more now that the adderall 255 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:20,200 is there and you're able to kind of get it done. 256 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,759 Like there's no blockets, there's no overthinking it, there's no 257 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,080 even when I go on social media, like sometimes I 258 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,559 would get lost in this in the cloud, I go, 259 00:14:29,799 --> 00:14:32,720 that's how well I am here. So I have a task, 260 00:14:32,799 --> 00:14:35,480 I want to get it done, and I want to 261 00:14:35,519 --> 00:14:37,919 do it well. I want to do everything to the best. 262 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,879 I want to be the best of whatever I do. 263 00:14:40,159 --> 00:14:42,840 I think we all do when all should doesn't mean 264 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,279 we will be, doesn't mean I am. But that's just 265 00:14:46,399 --> 00:14:49,840 kind of how I feel. Adderall has helped me get 266 00:14:49,919 --> 00:14:52,320 a lot of that done, and it's been a good 267 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,480 time for that. Let me give you something else. I 268 00:14:55,960 --> 00:15:04,720 think that I have learned more about myself right do 269 00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:08,320 we ever really truly know ourselves. We become the identity 270 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:12,279 of our job. I'm a sales rep. That becomes the 271 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,960 identity of you know who I am. I'm a doctor, 272 00:15:15,399 --> 00:15:19,759 I'm on whatever, And that's not who you are, that's 273 00:15:19,799 --> 00:15:25,000 what you do. Who you are is the loving human 274 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,639 being capable of loving right, whatever. But we put on 275 00:15:28,759 --> 00:15:34,759 masks and we do things. So one of the things 276 00:15:34,799 --> 00:15:38,559 I would say, you want to live, like really live, 277 00:15:38,679 --> 00:15:40,759 feel like you're alive. And I think there's a lot 278 00:15:40,759 --> 00:15:44,519 of people we get caught up, especially now, a lot 279 00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:47,720 of negativity in the world, a lot of people angry 280 00:15:47,759 --> 00:15:51,279 about stuff. You've got social media that takes you out 281 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,080 of the present moment. You can be having a you 282 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,600 could be talking to someone trying to stay present, and 283 00:15:56,639 --> 00:16:00,240 they could be having a conversation on an app not 284 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,559 even aware of yet with somebody not in that room, 285 00:16:04,799 --> 00:16:07,240 and you don't know if they're really paying attention. You 286 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:11,519 feel like they are, but everybody's going a million different places, 287 00:16:11,519 --> 00:16:14,639 and sometimes you start to feel like you're maybe dead inside. 288 00:16:14,679 --> 00:16:17,600 That's the term that I've heard from people, and I 289 00:16:18,039 --> 00:16:21,559 think one of the things that I've learned about myself, 290 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:29,000 and it was affirmed for me today is that I 291 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:36,279 have avoided feelings my entire life. I used to joke 292 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,879 and say I have no nerve endings because I wouldn't 293 00:16:38,879 --> 00:16:42,399 really get emotional and stuff about a lot of things. 294 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,360 I mean you would, right, there are certain things that 295 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:51,600 you would get emotional. But to really truly like feel things, 296 00:16:55,039 --> 00:16:57,240 I think that's what keeps us alive. I've often said 297 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,360 on the podcast, why do we like music? Why is 298 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,600 music so important to us? Why are there certain things 299 00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:04,640 to listen to? Go, God, that's such a piece of 300 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,480 shit song, But I love it. Why Because there's a 301 00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:10,119 feeling attached to it. There was a time in my 302 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,440 life that that song brings me back to that was wonderful, 303 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:18,119 or maybe not so wonderful. But we have feelings. Feelings 304 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:21,079 are all we really have when you think of it, 305 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,119 at the end of the day, how does something make 306 00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:29,200 me feel? And in order to live fully, you've got 307 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,759 to feel. You've got to feel all of it. And 308 00:17:32,799 --> 00:17:34,599 I think that when you get to the end of 309 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,279 your life, and I certainly hope I'm not close to 310 00:17:37,319 --> 00:17:42,279 that yet, that you say, boy, if I could just 311 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:46,519 go back and feel that even that heartbreak, just one 312 00:17:46,559 --> 00:17:51,039 more day, didn't know I'm alive. You know, a relationship ends, 313 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,000 and I've been reading. We have to read this book 314 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:59,400 and write a reflection paper. So I do it, and 315 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:05,519 the feedback comes back from the professor, great technical analysis, 316 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,920 blah blah blah. I think your insights are really good 317 00:18:08,079 --> 00:18:10,880 on the book itself, but this is a reflection paper. 318 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,640 And I didn't feel like I walked away learning much 319 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:19,279 about you. Why And I think it's a rhetorical why, 320 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,119 or maybe I'm adding the why now, But the reason 321 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:27,079 is I have always and I have realized this, and 322 00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:29,839 I'm going to be rawly honest with you and hopefully 323 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,000 you'll stick with me and maybe you'll be able to 324 00:18:32,039 --> 00:18:37,079 relate to it. I have avoided feelings pretty much my 325 00:18:37,319 --> 00:18:41,039 entire life, my entire life. I've been very open about 326 00:18:41,039 --> 00:18:45,680 being sexually molested by a babysitter male when I was 327 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:49,319 six years old and seven years old, actually I was 328 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:54,200 seven seven years old, and I never paid attention to 329 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,079 the ripple effects of what that did to my life 330 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,759 and how that made me feel about myself, how others 331 00:19:02,799 --> 00:19:05,119 perceive me. All that stuff, And I know it sounds 332 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,640 like here we go. Mental host counsel I like, eh, 333 00:19:08,759 --> 00:19:10,720 I think at some point, and I'm gonna give you 334 00:19:10,759 --> 00:19:16,440 my examples as to why I never really I don't 335 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,920 think i've to this day. If you're gonna where people go, 336 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,480 I've dealt with it, you know, I've faced it. I've 337 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,359 talked about it. I've talked about it. I don't know 338 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,680 that I've ever really dealt with it. I'm not sure 339 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,960 I know how to deal with it. I do go 340 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,440 to counseling myself, but I don't know that I know 341 00:19:31,559 --> 00:19:34,920 how to deal with it. I'm reading this book and 342 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,279 it was really about it's like all the things that 343 00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:41,319 we all do right and how we suppress it down. 344 00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:44,319 And one of the examples in the book is woman 345 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,119 is all excited. Boyfriend's coming back from business trip. She's 346 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,039 picking them up and maybe I've talked about this already. 347 00:19:51,039 --> 00:19:52,960 I feel like I have. She's picking them up and 348 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,960 they're going to go have She's made dinner, she's bought 349 00:19:56,519 --> 00:20:00,559 his special wine, let's just say or something, and and 350 00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:02,559 she picks him up and he's like hey, gets in 351 00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:04,359 the car and she's like, hey, I really missed you. 352 00:20:05,319 --> 00:20:08,119 I have this in this for dinner, and he goes, oh, 353 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,039 she goes Yep, it's gonna be ready as soon as 354 00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:12,119 we get back, and he goes, it's great because that'll 355 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:15,960 give me time to go meet with the guys when 356 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,920 we're done. This pisses her off. It's put in all 357 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,880 this time and effort. He's been gone, You've missed him. 358 00:20:24,319 --> 00:20:26,359 And she doesn't say anything, and she presses it down 359 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:31,279 and presses it down. And then later in the book, 360 00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:33,880 as she's going through the therapy and the therapist is the 361 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,720 one writing this, and he's saying, you know, she avoids 362 00:20:37,839 --> 00:20:40,480 this conflict, but she presses it down and starts to 363 00:20:40,519 --> 00:20:43,640 feel mad and resentful. And any one of us can 364 00:20:43,839 --> 00:20:48,079 pretty much relate to this story. Right. So they're away 365 00:20:48,079 --> 00:20:51,440 on a trip and it's supposed to be no business. 366 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,359 They're going to do no business on this trip at all, 367 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,920 and she goes to the bathroom and she comes back out. 368 00:20:58,559 --> 00:21:01,400 They're at this beautiful resource or something, and he's pacing 369 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:06,839 back and forth on his phone and they're like, she 370 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,960 can feel herself, right, what do we call that? I 371 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:15,200 hate this term trigger fucking hate these I'm being honest, 372 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,880 you're getting the raw me today because just wait, I'm 373 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,599 about to really really give you insight to me, I'm 374 00:21:21,599 --> 00:21:26,279 not unloading on anything. I'm unloading on myself. So she 375 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,480 then goes and talks to him and says, hey, in 376 00:21:29,519 --> 00:21:33,400 a very calm way, I thought, was that a business call? 377 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,279 And he goes, no, no, no, and he's trying to 378 00:21:35,319 --> 00:21:37,440 avoid right, doesn't want to piss her off. But he's 379 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:41,119 now it's up in his head. He's preoccupied whatever went on. 380 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,799 And she says to him a little bit later, Hey, 381 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,359 we agreed no business on this trip, and I feel 382 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:50,279 like when I came out of the bathroom, you were 383 00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:53,759 doing the pacing that you do, and I believe you 384 00:21:53,799 --> 00:21:56,079 were on a business call. And it's making me angry 385 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,559 because we agreed none and that. The guy looks at 386 00:21:59,599 --> 00:22:04,200 her and says, fuck you, no, fuck you. How do 387 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,519 you think you're gonna make money? Right? That would have 388 00:22:08,559 --> 00:22:12,000 made that would have made me fall out of my chair. Uh, 389 00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,599 he said what I think a lot of us would say, 390 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,079 You're right. I was. I was on a on a 391 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:20,880 business phone call. And I'm sorry we did agree to that, 392 00:22:21,279 --> 00:22:24,319 not not to do that. She said, the rest of 393 00:22:24,319 --> 00:22:26,599 the trip was fantastic, right, because we don't a lot 394 00:22:26,599 --> 00:22:28,400 of times we suppressed things and we don't. We don't 395 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,920 talk about it. I literally would say, I have no 396 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:36,079 nerve endings. I gave my dad's eulogy. I have had 397 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,440 people tell me that was the best. I've had a 398 00:22:38,559 --> 00:22:41,759 number of people, a number of people which I always go, 399 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,240 one person they're blown to smoke up your ass, two 400 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,200 people as somebody else was drunk, and the other guy 401 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,839 who was blowing to smoke up your ass. Three people. 402 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,680 You get a group of people who go, that was 403 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,640 the best eulogy I've ever heard. And it makes you 404 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,799 feel like, yeah, because I really like that. But I 405 00:22:55,839 --> 00:22:59,400 have to be very, very very candid on this. It 406 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,480 was a performs for me. It was stand up comedy. 407 00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:05,680 It was all the skills I used to get to 408 00:23:05,799 --> 00:23:09,359 grad school. I can memorize things, I can I can 409 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,880 absorb the things I really love. I loved my dad, 410 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:17,640 but I never really like people go. My mother would say, 411 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,880 I don't think you've really grieved properly. I don't know 412 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,559 how to I don't know how to do it. I 413 00:23:21,559 --> 00:23:23,720 don't know how to do it. No one showed me 414 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,880 all my life. I was always in trouble. I wasn't 415 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:29,079 good enough for the standard that was put forth by 416 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:33,559 the man who's now dead. And I'm learning that and 417 00:23:33,559 --> 00:23:36,119 then when I look back at my life, here's here's 418 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:43,640 the thing you're supposed to mourn. I guess that's the term, right, 419 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,000 kind of when anything comes to an end, that that 420 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:52,640 was special to you. So I'll go with relationships. I 421 00:23:52,839 --> 00:23:57,400 was engaged to a woman could see that there was 422 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,599 going to be some mismatches, or to be quite honest, 423 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,880 I would cheat because I already was cheating because there 424 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,119 just wasn't there was a part of me that wasn't 425 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:12,720 being fulfilled sexually. I got it okay, just again being honest, 426 00:24:13,839 --> 00:24:17,440 and so I ended it, but got right into another relationship. 427 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,680 They dovetailed like, so you never had to deal with 428 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,240 the pain of one ending because there was a new 429 00:24:24,279 --> 00:24:26,039 and beginning and you were all wrapped up in the 430 00:24:26,039 --> 00:24:30,000 new beginning. And I did it then, and I did 431 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,400 it after that. And for the past five years I've 432 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:41,480 been alone, no real dovetailing of any kind, and that's 433 00:24:41,519 --> 00:24:45,799 been good. But I've still I've turned off feelings. That's 434 00:24:45,799 --> 00:24:48,359 what made me realize that I had really turned off 435 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,599 any of my feelings to actually feel. And as much 436 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,759 as those feelings suck, I'm telling you that is the 437 00:24:56,799 --> 00:25:00,880 nectar of life. That's why you gotta feel at all, 438 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:05,079 feel the elation, feel the pain, suck it, just stop, 439 00:25:05,319 --> 00:25:09,160 let it feel it, because if you do, you're probably 440 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,839 gonna live better. Maybe maybe you'll you'll know that that 441 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,480 was so painful. I never want to go through that again. 442 00:25:16,039 --> 00:25:18,279 I'm not going You ever see somebody, and a lot 443 00:25:18,279 --> 00:25:20,200 of times we can see it better with a friend 444 00:25:20,279 --> 00:25:24,599 than we can with ourselves. But you go, yeah, he's 445 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:28,039 with the same woman, she just has a different face. 446 00:25:29,039 --> 00:25:31,480 He's with the exact same woman, just a different face. 447 00:25:31,559 --> 00:25:34,319 I'm not saying that, certainly by myself, because they've all 448 00:25:35,319 --> 00:25:39,559 very different. But my point being that there's a certain 449 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:45,039 like familiarity for us in our relationships with people, and 450 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:47,319 you see it in the person you go, gosh, this 451 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:49,319 is gonna end just like the other one's end. It didn't. 452 00:25:49,319 --> 00:25:52,079 Sure enough, later on down the road it does end 453 00:25:52,079 --> 00:25:54,000 that way, and you're like, how come he keeps doing that? 454 00:25:54,079 --> 00:25:55,880 Or how come she keeps doing that? It's always the 455 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:59,880 same thing, because I don't think we've ever really come 456 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:06,440 to terms with letting ourselves figure it out, being alone 457 00:26:06,519 --> 00:26:09,920 and figure it out. And even though I've been alone 458 00:26:10,559 --> 00:26:14,880 for five years. No real, I mean, like, tell me, 459 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,680 have you seen me with a woman around the many 460 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:22,480 people who listen to this podcast are in my local area. No, 461 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:26,079 I haven't. I haven't really talked. Only recently have I 462 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,240 started talking about somebody on the podcast, and even there 463 00:26:29,279 --> 00:26:31,079 I try to back off a little bit because I 464 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,720 don't want to embarrass them and I don't know how whatever, 465 00:26:35,039 --> 00:26:37,680 But the point being that I haven't. So there's been 466 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,880 no more dovetailing, but there's been certainly I'm I'm fucking 467 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:47,599 turned off. My feelings are turned off to a certain extent, 468 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:51,440 like the deep, deep feeling, the deep grieving of something 469 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,480 a relationship has ended. Give your time, yourself time to 470 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,079 heal as what they say, Well, let me tell you something. 471 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,559 As you get older, you start to realize how fucking 472 00:26:59,599 --> 00:27:03,400 important that is. That's fucking important to do. You gotta 473 00:27:03,519 --> 00:27:06,559 kind of heal through it. And my thing was like, 474 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:11,119 let's just find some new busy. I'm sorry for being 475 00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:17,319 so descriptively stupid, but that is exactly kind of how 476 00:27:17,559 --> 00:27:21,039 I always did things right. You avoided the pain of 477 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:24,960 breaking off a relationship, You avoided the pain of doing 478 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,119 things You turned off your feelings, you had no nerve endings, 479 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:35,119 and maybe if you did feel that for myself, maybe 480 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:40,920 I wouldn't have jumped into other relationships that weren't gonna 481 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:44,519 be good, you know what I mean, and sometimes just 482 00:27:44,559 --> 00:27:49,519 slowing shit down and taking a look, you know, and 483 00:27:49,559 --> 00:27:53,960 being okay, you're gonna be okay. I'm again, this may 484 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,240 be more me just talking to me, but I think 485 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,279 it's a relatable thing for many many people, and I 486 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:03,480 certainly have a track record to the point where I joke. 487 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,000 I think it might be a turnoff to some people 488 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:12,680 who go, wait, wait, what you were engaging you under? 489 00:28:13,039 --> 00:28:16,039 So but my point is maybe if I had dealt 490 00:28:16,079 --> 00:28:17,960 with that, and I didn't want to feel that pain, 491 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,319 I didn't want to feel that guilt, I didn't want 492 00:28:20,319 --> 00:28:22,039 to feel that sadness. I didn't want to feel that 493 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,759 any of that. I just I didn't want to I 494 00:28:24,759 --> 00:28:26,000 didn't want to deal with it. Was like a waste 495 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,960 of fucking time. Let's just keep going, is the way 496 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,880 I would say that. And I can't tell you how 497 00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:33,119 many times in my life I go, that's a waste 498 00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:35,920 of fucking time. And now I'm starting to see it's not. 499 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,799 It's not it's actually giving you a better life. And 500 00:28:41,559 --> 00:28:45,640 it's a feeling that will pass, right, I always say 501 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,599 time and distance, but it will pass, and maybe you 502 00:28:48,759 --> 00:28:50,839 learn from it, and maybe there were some good things 503 00:28:50,839 --> 00:28:53,279 that you can see in it instead of just glazing 504 00:28:53,319 --> 00:28:56,160 it over, like I just fucking laminated that one closed 505 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,720 the book on to the next. And I just think 506 00:28:58,759 --> 00:29:02,839 that that's a bad way to be. And I think 507 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,880 for me, a lot of it came from turning off 508 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,039 my feelings when I was young, right, I couldn't have 509 00:29:09,079 --> 00:29:12,720 anybody know this. This was an absolute secret, and it 510 00:29:12,839 --> 00:29:15,599 fucked me up sexually and all. I'll tell you this. 511 00:29:16,039 --> 00:29:22,799 I realized something today. I love the Rocky Mountains. Loved 512 00:29:22,799 --> 00:29:28,839 the Rocky Mountains and spent a summer over thirty years 513 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:33,039 ago at my uncle's home in Parks City, Utah. But 514 00:29:33,119 --> 00:29:36,799 I was sent there as a punishment, And I used 515 00:29:36,799 --> 00:29:39,519 to always joke like who gets punished by going to 516 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:41,880 a bigger house, like being the you know, the fresh 517 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,200 prince of bel Air. They gave me a car to 518 00:29:44,319 --> 00:29:46,839 use while I was there. I had my own room, 519 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:50,000 a big, beautiful house here in the Rockies. I got 520 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,559 a summer job that was fun. I had the freedom 521 00:29:53,599 --> 00:29:55,559 to go and do whatever I wanted. We lived on 522 00:29:55,559 --> 00:29:58,319 the house boat for two weeks, but I was sent 523 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:02,119 there as a punishment because I was bad, and I 524 00:30:02,319 --> 00:30:06,400 was I think that there's some sexually fucked up shit 525 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,119 with me, and I used to go dive deep into porn, 526 00:30:09,559 --> 00:30:11,519 and I think a lot of that steps back from 527 00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:14,480 being molested. And my father told me, if I ever 528 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,559 find this in you know, my house again, you can't 529 00:30:17,599 --> 00:30:19,839 live here. And I did it and he found it 530 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:23,640 and I couldn't live there, but he didn't. He didn't 531 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:28,400 have abandon me. But I've never gone back. I never 532 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,279 went back to park City. I'll talk about park City 533 00:30:31,319 --> 00:30:34,920 with great love, but I've never been back. Why I 534 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:38,720 think I associate that with always I was always fucking 535 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,680 not in trouble like necessarily with the law. It's just 536 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:44,480 I'm trying to think of a TV character. You know, 537 00:30:44,559 --> 00:30:51,400 You're like that TV character that was lovable, fairly innocent, fun, 538 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:54,480 just a lot of fun and mischievous. That was me. 539 00:30:55,039 --> 00:30:59,440 But man, was I made to feel or I felt 540 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,119 like I just was always in trouble on a piece 541 00:31:02,119 --> 00:31:04,279 of shit. So that was a feeling I felt. Other 542 00:31:04,319 --> 00:31:06,680 than that I turned them all off, and I think 543 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,359 that that if you're gonna fully live, that's a better way. 544 00:31:10,119 --> 00:31:13,000 Today I went to I don't know if anybody remembers, 545 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,599 and I think I put it on Billified, but certainly Belightenment. 546 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:20,960 Gina Petropolli is a reiki master, so she, hey, come 547 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:24,319 on the podcast. And I've been saying to myself, you know, 548 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,119 I've been hearing a lot about self care and you 549 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:30,640 know whatever. Maybe you laugh at that, maybe you don't, 550 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,359 because I certainly did for years, but I go, you 551 00:31:33,359 --> 00:31:35,039 know what, I'm trying to figure out that I got. 552 00:31:35,119 --> 00:31:36,880 I was thinking maybe I go to the Stretch Lab, 553 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,920 maybe I could get a massage. I don't know. And 554 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:42,440 I go, oh, I'm gonna give Gina a call, and 555 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:45,880 I'm going to go over and have reiki done. And 556 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:53,440 Gina is fantastic. She is at mind body soul raking wellness, 557 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:58,279 Mind body soul raking wellness. This was an amazing, amazing 558 00:31:58,319 --> 00:32:01,400 thing that happened to me today. But as she's going 559 00:32:01,519 --> 00:32:04,720 down and she's feeling your chakras and things like that, 560 00:32:06,079 --> 00:32:09,240 it's energy. I know, maybe you think it's woo woo, horseshit. 561 00:32:10,359 --> 00:32:12,920 She said, I need to stop here and ask you 562 00:32:13,039 --> 00:32:19,680 a question and I said, okay. She said, have you 563 00:32:21,039 --> 00:32:25,759 properly grieved or grieved your father's death? And I said, 564 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:30,039 I don't know. She said, okay, said because I'm over 565 00:32:30,119 --> 00:32:36,160 your heart chakra and it's ice cold. And I went, oh, no, 566 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:41,039 there's a lot of stuff and it's and I'm telling you, 567 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,000 I knew it before I walked in there. I didn't 568 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,480 know it was that deep she felt it. It's gonna 569 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:49,759 be a lot for me to have to unpack here 570 00:32:49,799 --> 00:32:52,160 and go through in my life. And I will do 571 00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,839 that in a in my own way and maybe update 572 00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:59,759 you along the way. But you gotta feel stuff, and 573 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:03,680 I have not allowed myself to feel things because it 574 00:33:03,759 --> 00:33:05,759 was easier. And there's so many times I've always said 575 00:33:05,759 --> 00:33:11,839 to people like I, I'll give you two things, and 576 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:15,319 remember this. This is a completely off the cuff episode. 577 00:33:15,319 --> 00:33:18,160 So I appreciate you listening to it, and I'm hoping 578 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:22,319 in some way that there's some bit of benefit to 579 00:33:22,359 --> 00:33:27,599 you in this. But I would always say, like I 580 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,759 just kind of floated in and out of things. If 581 00:33:29,799 --> 00:33:33,000 I you know, radio I wanted to do. I got there, 582 00:33:33,279 --> 00:33:34,920 I didn't know what to do once I got there, 583 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,079 so I, you know, I kind of grew. I got 584 00:33:37,079 --> 00:33:38,960 to where then I figured it out. I got to 585 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:43,240 where I wanted to be. It wasn't really sure, kind 586 00:33:43,279 --> 00:33:47,000 of nervous to go beyond my box, so to speak. 587 00:33:47,079 --> 00:33:50,000 Did do an interview in LA, got offered the job, 588 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:54,279 just wasn't gonna work, and that's it, right, and now 589 00:33:54,519 --> 00:33:58,599 that's over and that it's okay. That was fine. But 590 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:03,359 I just kind of floated through because there was no feeling. 591 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:07,039 There was no feeling or thought to like, Okay, I'm 592 00:34:07,039 --> 00:34:09,000 gonna do this and I'm gonna put this amount of 593 00:34:09,039 --> 00:34:11,480 money away and here's the plan and then five I 594 00:34:11,559 --> 00:34:13,400 never did a five year plan, a ten year but 595 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,079 I never fucking did that. Somebody says, where do you 596 00:34:15,079 --> 00:34:17,800 think of being five years? I don't fucking I couldn't 597 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:21,360 answer that. I never had to answer that question. But 598 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,960 I never asked myself that question. And not that you 599 00:34:24,039 --> 00:34:27,480 maybe would or wouldn't, but I think sometimes when you 600 00:34:27,559 --> 00:34:30,239 have a plan, you have a direction. I didn't. I 601 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,599 did sort of, but not really. It was kind of 602 00:34:32,599 --> 00:34:35,559 this meandering thing, just kind of go with the flow, 603 00:34:36,079 --> 00:34:40,079 and I wonder not sure if I had actually dealt 604 00:34:40,119 --> 00:34:44,199 with things and felt them and realized I don't like this. 605 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,119 I want to be in more control of this. I 606 00:34:46,159 --> 00:34:49,320 want to have this. I'm okay with this and really 607 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:55,079 felt them. Would I have gone further? Maybe I'm not disappointed. 608 00:34:55,079 --> 00:34:57,639 I'd have no regrets. I really don't. But I'm just saying, 609 00:34:57,679 --> 00:35:01,119 for yourself, maybe you have a regret, like to start 610 00:35:01,159 --> 00:35:03,760 to feel the feeling, because I think the feeling is 611 00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:07,280 the indicator. Lets you know if you're in the right 612 00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:11,760 direction or not, or allowing yourself to feel the pain 613 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:16,079 of something to go. Why am I feeling is? How 614 00:35:16,119 --> 00:35:18,599 am I gonna deal with it? What gets better from it? 615 00:35:19,119 --> 00:35:21,400 I'm hoping I'm making sense. And when she told me, 616 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:23,960 my heart chockra ies, like, yeah, I got it, because 617 00:35:24,039 --> 00:35:26,800 I've come to the conclusion that, fuck man, You've never 618 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:31,320 dealt with anything, nothing, nothing. How did I get to 619 00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:33,840 Saint John Fisher College. I didn't have to write an essay? 620 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,039 My dad went there. He wanted me to go look 621 00:35:36,039 --> 00:35:39,119 at the school, drove me there and went into the process. 622 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:41,000 We set up the overnight thing. I don't even think 623 00:35:41,039 --> 00:35:43,800 I set it up. I think my mom did right. 624 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,679 So I floated through everything and there was never anything 625 00:35:47,679 --> 00:35:49,480 that I didn't think I could really do or not 626 00:35:49,599 --> 00:35:51,920 do in life. I just kind of did it. If 627 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,880 I thought, nah, this sounds fun, I'd do it. But 628 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,760 there was never really the plan. And I just wonder 629 00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,880 sometimes if you're feeling and here's here's what I look 630 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:08,119 at my brother who I admire. I admire my brother 631 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:14,159 tons I don't know. I'm looking for the word excuse me. 632 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,239 I just admire the hell out of that guy. And 633 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:25,360 he did amazing, amazing things. And I don't know that 634 00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,840 he We grew up in the same house with the 635 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,760 same parents. They get parent every kid differently, but I 636 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:34,119 think there are some things that are very similar. And 637 00:36:34,199 --> 00:36:37,159 I do wonder, and I'll never ask because it's kind 638 00:36:37,199 --> 00:36:39,239 of none of my business and it's a little late anyway, 639 00:36:40,079 --> 00:36:44,280 But if we all turned off our feelings for whatever reason, 640 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:46,119 I don't think that he went through the trauma I 641 00:36:46,159 --> 00:36:49,800 went through, or the not that trauma sexual molestation. But 642 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,440 maybe there was something else that I'm not aware of. 643 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:55,199 But I know that what I've watched with my brother 644 00:36:56,480 --> 00:37:01,800 was that he went and did things. And I go 645 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:05,320 back to if it scares you and excites you, do it. 646 00:37:06,039 --> 00:37:09,840 And he was flying planes at a young age. You 647 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:13,199 can't tell me that your stomach is in nots or butterflies. 648 00:37:13,199 --> 00:37:15,480 It's your first time you were sending by yourself and 649 00:37:15,519 --> 00:37:19,360 your flying planes. He was flying planes before he was 650 00:37:20,559 --> 00:37:22,360 I think he could do it at fourteen or fifteen. 651 00:37:22,519 --> 00:37:24,159 He was doing it then and didn't even have a 652 00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:29,360 driver's license. Then he goes to flight school, realizes that's 653 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,800 not working out for him, and my whole thing all 654 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,239 my life was well, he can't be a quitter. You 655 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:37,280 can't be a quitter. He actually felt that, recognized that 656 00:37:37,639 --> 00:37:40,920 and dropped out, hit a wind cheer, had an engine stall. 657 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:43,559 I don't really know. Maybe it's slightly different than but 658 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:45,880 that was it. Then he comes home and he's going 659 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,159 to the community college, and he hated living with my 660 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,239 parents and he's like, I can't do this, So through 661 00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,239 the community college. I don't even know how he did that. 662 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,599 He went and studied in Cambridge, England, right, and then 663 00:37:58,679 --> 00:38:01,920 while he's there he decides, well, I'll take the summer 664 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,159 and I'll back back, like there were plans because you 665 00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:06,679 accepted the feeling I don't want to be here and 666 00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:10,360 I don't want to be here right, this isn't working out. 667 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,880 It's not what I thought it was. And it's okay 668 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:16,199 to say no because in the end it's a better 669 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,719 life instead. How many of us stick with a shitty job, 670 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:24,119 a shitty relationship, a shitty whatever. Why Because that's the 671 00:38:24,159 --> 00:38:26,679 way that it was always done. I can't disappoint people. 672 00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:28,920 I can't whatever. The fucking meet up shit, That's what 673 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,880 I'm saying. Feel the fucking feeling. Let it be your 674 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,760 indicator to go. This doesn't work for me, fuck it. 675 00:38:35,239 --> 00:38:39,440 My brother then winds up going to coming back. He 676 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:44,920 finishes his degree at Cornell. When he graduates, he was 677 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,079 a laborer, I don't know, negotiator. So he winds up 678 00:38:48,119 --> 00:38:51,400 in New York City. He's working a job, living with 679 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:53,079 a bunch of guys. I think there was more guys 680 00:38:53,119 --> 00:38:55,079 than there was space in the apartment, but they were 681 00:38:55,079 --> 00:38:58,000 all in and out so often that it never really mattered. 682 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,119 On the Upper East Side of n And he's loving it. 683 00:39:01,199 --> 00:39:03,199 He's got a buddy, they get drunk together, they have 684 00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:05,280 a great time, and his job was to be part 685 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:09,119 of the team that negotiated the police and fire contracts. 686 00:39:11,119 --> 00:39:15,559 At some point, they bring in the cake for a guy. Hey, congratulations. 687 00:39:15,559 --> 00:39:19,039 In thirty years, and I really goes, fuck this, fuck this, 688 00:39:19,599 --> 00:39:22,559 I'm not doing it. I cannot do it. So he 689 00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:28,679 quits no plan, no anything. Now I understand what right 690 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:30,800 I'm saying he should have a He didn't. I don't 691 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:32,440 think he had a plan. I don't think he knows 692 00:39:32,519 --> 00:39:38,079 what he was gonna do. And he started talking about, Hey, 693 00:39:38,199 --> 00:39:40,800 how cool would it be to ride my bike cross country? 694 00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,440 And he had met some people from I forget what 695 00:39:44,599 --> 00:39:49,880 Teddy Roosevelt had a h is it the Outlanders. There's 696 00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:54,119 some club and they're big. It's fancy people in this club. 697 00:39:55,000 --> 00:40:00,920 But my brother met through his girlfriend's father that club, 698 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:02,920 and I think he even went afterwards and talked to 699 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:07,039 them about his trip. But he was talking about biking 700 00:40:07,039 --> 00:40:10,800 cross country. And then he just bought a bike, and 701 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,800 my father bought him the maps, and he flew out 702 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:14,920 to Seattle, stayed with his buddy who lived there, and 703 00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:19,239 then bicycled from Seattle to Virginia. There's maps and bikes, 704 00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,880 and there's not bikes paths. Sometimes you're on main roads. 705 00:40:23,079 --> 00:40:28,599 And he had an unbelievable adventure along the way. But 706 00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:31,280 why because he felt like he didn't he didn't want 707 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,800 to be in that job in New York City. He 708 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,039 wasn't gonna stick it out. This is where I've gone. 709 00:40:35,119 --> 00:40:37,360 I went to school, I paid the money, I got it. 710 00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:40,920 He didn't, he felt it, He moved on, felt it, 711 00:40:41,039 --> 00:40:44,800 moved on, came back from that, got a master's degree, 712 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:47,400 wound up working at Disney. After a while with Disney 713 00:40:47,519 --> 00:40:50,280 this isn't for me, and now lives in Kenny Bunk, 714 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:53,239 Maine and absolutely loves it there. They have what I 715 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:57,239 would say is a pretty amazing life, a pretty amazing 716 00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:02,519 life with filled with really rich, rich relationships and friendships. 717 00:41:02,559 --> 00:41:06,239 Their friends are so much fucking fun. Like I'm envious 718 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,920 of all the fun things they do as couples and 719 00:41:09,119 --> 00:41:14,320 and even just individuals. It's amazing. My point being, there's 720 00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:17,719 an example of what I believe I don't know, in 721 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:22,039 my opinion is that he went with the feeling, and 722 00:41:22,119 --> 00:41:26,280 the feelings were his guide. Is he doing great? Yeah? 723 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:30,719 Does he have what I think is a pretty enviable life, yes? 724 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,639 Is he happy? Sure, seems to be, has great kids, 725 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,280 a wonderful wife, beautiful wife. I just everything just seems 726 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,960 to and I just go, Boy, it comes down to 727 00:41:41,079 --> 00:41:44,199 if you just if it's not be honest with yourself. 728 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:49,239 Tap into the feeling. Feel the fucking feeling. Feel it, 729 00:41:49,639 --> 00:41:51,960 feel it. Let it just sit with you and sit 730 00:41:52,039 --> 00:41:54,559 with the feeling. It will pass. It's not gonna It 731 00:41:54,599 --> 00:41:56,199 doesn't have to take over your life. It doesn't have 732 00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:58,840 to be you're depressed and in a ball and never 733 00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,960 able to get out of bed. But feel it, recognize it, 734 00:42:02,039 --> 00:42:05,079 let it be your guide to things. Because when you 735 00:42:05,199 --> 00:42:08,079 have a cold heart, as I was told today, and 736 00:42:08,119 --> 00:42:10,320 you need to open those chakras. And I know for 737 00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:12,559 myself that I just have not and that was a 738 00:42:12,599 --> 00:42:17,239 thought not with Gina who did the reiki, but on 739 00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:21,719 my own and maybe through the mental health counseling a 740 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:27,199 little bit here, that I just the no nerve endings 741 00:42:27,199 --> 00:42:29,880 thing is not the right way to live. It's not 742 00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,519 use your feelings. Use your feelings. You don't have to 743 00:42:33,559 --> 00:42:37,400 be soft and wimpy, and but use them as a guide. 744 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,920 If something isn't working, either confront it in a very 745 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:43,320 calm and natural way that you can talk to somebody 746 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,800 and maybe work it out. If it's in a relationship, 747 00:42:46,239 --> 00:42:48,880 or you have to decide that this just isn't isn't 748 00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:52,760 for me, be respectful and mourn a relationship be sad 749 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:55,480 that it's over. Understand that there'll be moments maybe when 750 00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:58,599 you miss somebody or you miss certain things about that. 751 00:42:59,519 --> 00:43:01,559 But in the end, and it's probably the better decision 752 00:43:01,599 --> 00:43:04,400 because you had the feeling and you weren't doing anything 753 00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:07,039 about the feeling, and you were staying stuck. And when 754 00:43:07,039 --> 00:43:10,320 you're stuck and kind of miserable, when you're stuck and 755 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:13,199 turned off, you're no good to anybody. You're no good 756 00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:16,480 to anybody. It's just the way it is, right, just 757 00:43:16,519 --> 00:43:19,880 the way it is. Thank you for allowing me to 758 00:43:22,079 --> 00:43:24,840 audio verbally dump on you. I was gonna say audio dump, 759 00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,360 but verbally dump my diary on you. But I do 760 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,280 think that there are things that have been kicking her 761 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:33,119 out of my head that may help you, and I 762 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,760 know are gonna help me. Maybe this is one more 763 00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:39,159 for a bill lightenment. And sometimes I like to reach 764 00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:42,199 the bigger audience, which is certainly a bilified and I 765 00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:45,440 thank you for being part of that audience. It means 766 00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:49,039 more to me than I can properly express. We'll see 767 00:43:49,079 --> 00:44:01,239 you tomorrow. Hello, my friends. Let's be honest. Twenty twenty 768 00:44:01,239 --> 00:44:04,599 five has been a lot between the news, the group chats, 769 00:44:04,639 --> 00:44:06,320 the price of coffee. I mean, most of us are 770 00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:09,239 running on caffeine and chaos. That's why it's time to 771 00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:13,320 hit pause and align your energy. My friend and absolute 772 00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:16,599 powerhouse of peace healer, Sheila Tillick is here to help 773 00:44:16,639 --> 00:44:20,239 you shake off the stress, balance your vibes, and unlock 774 00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:24,400 your highest potential. I'm talking real healing here, not light 775 00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:27,199 a candle and hope for the best energy. Sheila works 776 00:44:27,239 --> 00:44:31,119 on a cellular level, releasing those old energetic imprints stored 777 00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:34,559 deep in your DNA, you know the ones that pop 778 00:44:34,639 --> 00:44:37,440 up every time your in law's visit, and listen. With 779 00:44:37,599 --> 00:44:40,119 the new year right around the corner, this is the 780 00:44:40,159 --> 00:44:43,559 perfect gift. Help someone deal with the issues and their 781 00:44:43,559 --> 00:44:46,920 tissues and start twenty twenty six on the right foot. Plus, 782 00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:49,400 you can meet Sheila in person at the Let's Rock 783 00:44:49,559 --> 00:44:53,360 Market Sunday, October twenty sixth at Eagle Vale from ten 784 00:44:53,559 --> 00:44:56,599 to four pm. Swing by, say hi, and maybe let 785 00:44:56,639 --> 00:44:58,599 her tune up your energy while you're at it. So 786 00:44:58,679 --> 00:45:01,920 go to Shila Tillic Doc, check out our holiday specials, 787 00:45:02,039 --> 00:45:04,480 see all the offers, and get ready to glow from 788 00:45:04,519 --> 00:45:07,719 the inside out, because, let's face it, peace looks good 789 00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:11,360 on you. Sheal a tillic, helping you heal one good 790 00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:12,599 vibe at a time.