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from the Mac of All Trade Studio in Fairport and
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Bill Moran Podcast. Way, Hello and welcome solo from my
Solo Cup. I don't even know what that means. I
told you I was gonna do these once in a while,
so this is a solo one and I won't be
as expensive as our other episodes. But I thought it'd
be interesting to come in here and kind of tell
you something. Somebody said I should be kind of keeping
a diary of things and this might be a way
to sort of do that. Every once in a while,
I'll pop in and we'll just do like the diaries,
because there's a lot happy, there's a lot happening. Man,
I gotta tell you, and I'll start with Here's where
I'll start. I think every one of us in life
has something that comes up that scares us and excites us.
And I guess it kind of becomes that fork in
the road, right you can go one way or the
other saying I used to say. I used to say,
if it scares me, I'm gonna do it. And I've
been like that pretty much my whole life, just like
I don't stop to weigh the pros and cons because
if I do, I know I'm not gonna do it right,
So if it But now I'm thinking, if it scares
you and excites you, because all these things that I
did all my life and when I'm talking about is
stupid shit, Like hey, how about we climb up on
the roof strip completely naked and will jump into we
call them bottle cap pools, but pools that were like
what three and a half four feet deep right off
the roof of the house, you know, two story houses.
So those are like dumb things to do, but it
excited me. I like that. I love sort of in
a way. I don't know that I live on the edge.
I'm not a F one driver that's living on the edge,
but I think I could have gotten there. I mean
in some way, I have this fucked up ability to
just like uber calm myself at times. And so there's that.
And you know, I'm jumping off bridges as kids, Like
we're all partying and drinking and somebody says, hey, we
should jump in, and these girls jump in. So of course,
who's an ex naked into the creek? Me? But you
never stopped to go, hey, there could be a rock
that we can't see. It's dark out, who knows if
there is, Like I don't know somebody's old fishing line
you're gonna get at. There's all kinds of shit that
your parents, and as parents, we would say to our kids, right.
But I think that sometimes we hold ourselves back from
maybe living our full life. I think there's two things
that I'm learning that we do that holds us back
from our full life. And that's why when the opportunity
came up and doctor rob Rice was in here and
kind of explained it for me to go back and
get a master's degree in mental health counseling. I didn't
I had that moment right, but it excited me, like, hey,
an opportunity to learn something new. It's something that I
feel like I have a lot of transferable skills, even
from radio and stuff, and I'll explain kind of how
that works. All I'm saying to you is, if there's
something that both excites you and scares you, do it.
Fucking do it, you know, and it doesn't have to
be something like going down to the dragstrip. You know,
my buddy, Hey, we rented out the dragstrip for the day.
We've got a bunch of cars. You want to come
down And I've never dragged race in an official drag strip.
So to go down there and you know, top out
one sixty one forty whatever is thrilling. It's also scary.
You could lose your your shit and go into the
I don't think about those things. But what I'm saying
is that there's something that excites you and scares you,
do it. Like if it's somebody says to you, hey,
we should go to uh, let's go to Zurich or
a Switzerland. Let's go to Zurich and let's ski. And
you're like, oh god, that would be so amazing, but
I can't. But I find a way, find a fucking way,
go do it, because those are the things you're gonna
remember in life. So when it came to the grad
school thing for me, I didn't sit down. It wasn't
like I had been planning for months, here's my next move,
I'm gonna do this, and we're researching school. I didn't.
I didn't at all. It just came about. And sometimes
I also think like, well, maybe if we believe in
the proverbial signs, that's the sign. Right. So I'm in
this class, I'm in these classes. Now, we're past midterms.
I think I did pretty good. The month of November
is going to be a ton of work, and there's
also these group projects and things. And you got to remember,
like I've been very honest about my age and stuff
throughout my life. I'm fifty four years old. Kind of
an odd time to go back to school, right, You
would think, even how do you learn and how do
you go back? The great thing is that throughout my
radio career and even the podcast. I've had to do
so much prep and memorize so much stuff and learn
things I didn't know that it's second nature to me.
I can like bang, It's like remember in a comedy
set right, you know are things you're gonna forget. But
for the most part, I figured I could walk through
this and be okay. Now's when it comes to crunch time,
and my sister, who has a doctorate, said to me,
now you see why I always hated Thanksgiving because it
was everything was due at once, and everything is due
at once. But here's the weird part is that in
this mental health master's degree, I'm saying it wrong. There
are majority women, and there are guys, and there's some
guys I don't know if they're exactly about my age,
a couple of them. But I wind up in groups
like you have group projects and things with all women.
And I have to tell you, honestly, I mean you,
many of you know my story and how the podcast began,
and I don't know. Sometimes I'm afraid to open my mouth.
Not afraid, well, I guess afraid. I guess afraid would
be the word because I'm I'm not scared and excited.
I'm just scared, so I would not. There are times
I don't really want to say anything in there because
I'm afraid that what I'm going to say may be
seen as offensive or what I'm going to say is
going to be like the old guy taken over, and
I don't want to be that person. So I've I've
stayed a little quiet, and somebody kind of got on
my ass a little bit last week. It's like, we
need to hear from you, but it's all Remember it's
all women, some in this group who have said you
remind me of my dad. It's just like, Okay, I
hope you're is a really cool guy. But those are
So that's kind of where I'm at with all this stuff,
and things are are dialing up, but I am enjoying
it and I am learning a lot, and I think
we're finding a path to keep things kind of going
in a good direction, but keep things going, keep things
going here, keep things going at home, and just finding
that way. I will tell you that one of the
things that I have used, and you've heard me on
the other podcast or on the other podcast this is
this is the podcast, this is Billify. You've heard me
say that I've been thinking a lot about Bill Lightman,
and I'll explain that in a second. Two you heard
me say that I've been taking Adderall. So I got
my own prescription for Adderall and there are twenty milligrams,
and man, it was like I took that. I felt
like I was clenching my jaw and I was, I
don't know, like at the end of the day, it
was kind of like annoyed and kind of on edge
a little bit, and I didn't really like it. It
didn't feel as good as the ones I borrowed from
a friend who had ten milligrams slow release. So I
was thinking of calling and changing it and blah blah.
And I felt like like my hands swoll one day,
like my blood pressure was up, so I started. I
bought a pill cutter because I could never cut pills
in half properly. So I've been splitting these in half
and taking half an ADDI every day. I call them
addies now because I'm an addict. And I also do
my flu bomb thing. Now. My flu bomb is where
I take you know, rod ginjerute. I put it through
a garlic press. I take some big clove of garlic.
I squeezed that in there. I add in a full lemon,
squeezed the juice in, I put in some honey, a
quarter of a teaspoon of cayenne pepper, and then in
warm water. I mixed that shit up and shoot it down.
It's like a boom. And I the reason I did
that is I when I was going to the doctor,
they kept saying to me a couple of years ago, like,
your blood pressure sort of borderline, Well it's a little high,
we should watch it, blah blah blah. And then I
started doing that, and I'm telling you, garlic is the
antibiotic that you need. I mean, that's like the natural remedy.
God darn, my blood pressure was great. So I'm like,
I know what I'll do. I'll start doing that twice
a day. And as it turns out, probably smart because
somebody from one of my groups says they have strep throat,
and you know, there's all and everything's going around, right,
the seasons are starting to change, We're getting in that time,
you're getting your alerts on your phone about come in
and get your flu vaccine. So I would say, try
to try the try the flu bump it. But I've
been doing it twice a day, and today is the
first day I actually felt pretty good, even taking the
adderall where I'm not feeling like grinding or anything and
I'm getting shit done. There's a piece of me that,
quite honestly, if I'm being real real with you, I'm
a little pissed off that I didn't have this earlier
in my life. Now, in six I was diagnosed add
big surprise. But I'm like, how do I say this.
I haven't been in an academic setting in a long time,
and I aced my midterms right, Okay, so how is that?
Because I'm not an idiot? But man, my whole life,
you were like kind of the I was the kid
your parents weren't sure if you wanted me to hang
out with you or not. You know what I'm saying,
because I was the one doing all the dumb shit,
Like maybe I wouldn't have had all that fun of
jumping off ruse into ballo cap pools. I don't know.
But I also think I would have done way better
academically because even by and I'm gonna say, you know,
we say attendants being there, I'm gonna call it attending
actually paying attention when you're there. I never did, and
I had I kind of got through with like an
eighty seven to ninety average. Imagin if I had adderall
I could have fucking you know, I'm like, God, damn,
that's just me kind of looking back, And to be
honest with you, I think that I wouldn't really change anything.
Everything happens for a reason at the right time. But
I do find it to be a tool that has
really really helped me, both with the podcast and everything.
Don't forget you know, please go check out the Two
Fit Chicks. It's an entertaining podcast. You're also going to
learn some stuff. They have about twelve thirteen episodes that
are up and you can just search them on any platform.
Two Fit Chicks. Just search it out wherever you get
your pot on. But in order to produce that and
do ours and then the blightenment stuff that's starting to
percolate again. You know, you got school, I got a kid,
I got other projects I'm working on. It's like, you're
fucking insane, and somehow this has given me. It doesn't
give you the executive function to do it, but it
gives you the wherewithal to go. Okay, this is what
I got to do. First, and I'm going to get
it done. And that's what's been happening, Like it's just
blown me away, and I do I've always thought where
it's capable of so much more. Excuse me, I have
a little uh. I'll tell you got a little emotional earlier,
So there might be some snot it's lovely, I but
the uh, you're just capable of so much more. And
so you're doing so much more now that the adderall
is there and you're able to kind of get it done.
Like there's no blockets, there's no overthinking it, there's no
even when I go on social media, like sometimes I
would get lost in this in the cloud, I go,
that's how well I am here. So I have a task,
I want to get it done, and I want to
do it well. I want to do everything to the best.
I want to be the best of whatever I do.
I think we all do when all should doesn't mean
we will be, doesn't mean I am. But that's just
kind of how I feel. Adderall has helped me get
a lot of that done, and it's been a good
time for that. Let me give you something else. I
think that I have learned more about myself right do
we ever really truly know ourselves. We become the identity
of our job. I'm a sales rep. That becomes the
identity of you know who I am. I'm a doctor,
I'm on whatever, And that's not who you are, that's
what you do. Who you are is the loving human
being capable of loving right, whatever. But we put on
masks and we do things. So one of the things
I would say, you want to live, like really live,
feel like you're alive. And I think there's a lot
of people we get caught up, especially now, a lot
of negativity in the world, a lot of people angry
about stuff. You've got social media that takes you out
of the present moment. You can be having a you
could be talking to someone trying to stay present, and
they could be having a conversation on an app not
even aware of yet with somebody not in that room,
and you don't know if they're really paying attention. You
feel like they are, but everybody's going a million different places,
and sometimes you start to feel like you're maybe dead inside.
That's the term that I've heard from people, and I
think one of the things that I've learned about myself,
and it was affirmed for me today is that I
have avoided feelings my entire life. I used to joke
and say I have no nerve endings because I wouldn't
really get emotional and stuff about a lot of things.
I mean you would, right, there are certain things that
you would get emotional. But to really truly like feel things,
I think that's what keeps us alive. I've often said
on the podcast, why do we like music? Why is
music so important to us? Why are there certain things
to listen to? Go, God, that's such a piece of
shit song, But I love it. Why Because there's a
feeling attached to it. There was a time in my
life that that song brings me back to that was wonderful,
or maybe not so wonderful. But we have feelings. Feelings
are all we really have when you think of it,
at the end of the day, how does something make
me feel? And in order to live fully, you've got
to feel. You've got to feel all of it. And
I think that when you get to the end of
your life, and I certainly hope I'm not close to
that yet, that you say, boy, if I could just
go back and feel that even that heartbreak, just one
more day, didn't know I'm alive. You know, a relationship ends,
and I've been reading. We have to read this book
and write a reflection paper. So I do it, and
the feedback comes back from the professor, great technical analysis,
blah blah blah. I think your insights are really good
on the book itself, but this is a reflection paper.
And I didn't feel like I walked away learning much
about you. Why And I think it's a rhetorical why,
or maybe I'm adding the why now, But the reason
is I have always and I have realized this, and
I'm going to be rawly honest with you and hopefully
you'll stick with me and maybe you'll be able to
relate to it. I have avoided feelings pretty much my
entire life, my entire life. I've been very open about
being sexually molested by a babysitter male when I was
six years old and seven years old, actually I was
seven seven years old, and I never paid attention to
the ripple effects of what that did to my life
and how that made me feel about myself, how others
perceive me. All that stuff, And I know it sounds
like here we go. Mental host counsel I like, eh,
I think at some point, and I'm gonna give you
my examples as to why I never really I don't
think i've to this day. If you're gonna where people go,
I've dealt with it, you know, I've faced it. I've
talked about it. I've talked about it. I don't know
that I've ever really dealt with it. I'm not sure
I know how to deal with it. I do go
to counseling myself, but I don't know that I know
how to deal with it. I'm reading this book and
it was really about it's like all the things that
we all do right and how we suppress it down.
And one of the examples in the book is woman
is all excited. Boyfriend's coming back from business trip. She's
picking them up and maybe I've talked about this already.
I feel like I have. She's picking them up and
they're going to go have She's made dinner, she's bought
his special wine, let's just say or something, and and
she picks him up and he's like hey, gets in
the car and she's like, hey, I really missed you.
I have this in this for dinner, and he goes, oh,
she goes Yep, it's gonna be ready as soon as
we get back, and he goes, it's great because that'll
give me time to go meet with the guys when
we're done. This pisses her off. It's put in all
this time and effort. He's been gone, You've missed him.
And she doesn't say anything, and she presses it down
and presses it down. And then later in the book,
as she's going through the therapy and the therapist is the
one writing this, and he's saying, you know, she avoids
this conflict, but she presses it down and starts to
feel mad and resentful. And any one of us can
pretty much relate to this story. Right. So they're away
on a trip and it's supposed to be no business.
They're going to do no business on this trip at all,
and she goes to the bathroom and she comes back out.
They're at this beautiful resource or something, and he's pacing
back and forth on his phone and they're like, she
can feel herself, right, what do we call that? I
hate this term trigger fucking hate these I'm being honest,
you're getting the raw me today because just wait, I'm
about to really really give you insight to me, I'm
not unloading on anything. I'm unloading on myself. So she
then goes and talks to him and says, hey, in
a very calm way, I thought, was that a business call?
And he goes, no, no, no, and he's trying to
avoid right, doesn't want to piss her off. But he's
now it's up in his head. He's preoccupied whatever went on.
And she says to him a little bit later, Hey,
we agreed no business on this trip, and I feel
like when I came out of the bathroom, you were
doing the pacing that you do, and I believe you
were on a business call. And it's making me angry
because we agreed none and that. The guy looks at
her and says, fuck you, no, fuck you. How do
you think you're gonna make money? Right? That would have
made that would have made me fall out of my chair. Uh,
he said what I think a lot of us would say,
You're right. I was. I was on a on a
business phone call. And I'm sorry we did agree to that,
not not to do that. She said, the rest of
the trip was fantastic, right, because we don't a lot
of times we suppressed things and we don't. We don't
talk about it. I literally would say, I have no
nerve endings. I gave my dad's eulogy. I have had
people tell me that was the best. I've had a
number of people, a number of people which I always go,
one person they're blown to smoke up your ass, two
people as somebody else was drunk, and the other guy
who was blowing to smoke up your ass. Three people.
You get a group of people who go, that was
the best eulogy I've ever heard. And it makes you
feel like, yeah, because I really like that. But I
have to be very, very very candid on this. It
was a performs for me. It was stand up comedy.
It was all the skills I used to get to
grad school. I can memorize things, I can I can
absorb the things I really love. I loved my dad,
but I never really like people go. My mother would say,
I don't think you've really grieved properly. I don't know
how to I don't know how to do it. I
don't know how to do it. No one showed me
all my life. I was always in trouble. I wasn't
good enough for the standard that was put forth by
the man who's now dead. And I'm learning that and
then when I look back at my life, here's here's
the thing you're supposed to mourn. I guess that's the term, right,
kind of when anything comes to an end, that that
was special to you. So I'll go with relationships. I
was engaged to a woman could see that there was
going to be some mismatches, or to be quite honest,
I would cheat because I already was cheating because there
just wasn't there was a part of me that wasn't
being fulfilled sexually. I got it okay, just again being honest,
and so I ended it, but got right into another relationship.
They dovetailed like, so you never had to deal with
the pain of one ending because there was a new
and beginning and you were all wrapped up in the
new beginning. And I did it then, and I did
it after that. And for the past five years I've
been alone, no real dovetailing of any kind, and that's
been good. But I've still I've turned off feelings. That's
what made me realize that I had really turned off
any of my feelings to actually feel. And as much
as those feelings suck, I'm telling you that is the
nectar of life. That's why you gotta feel at all,
feel the elation, feel the pain, suck it, just stop,
let it feel it, because if you do, you're probably
gonna live better. Maybe maybe you'll you'll know that that
was so painful. I never want to go through that again.
I'm not going You ever see somebody, and a lot
of times we can see it better with a friend
than we can with ourselves. But you go, yeah, he's
with the same woman, she just has a different face.
He's with the exact same woman, just a different face.
I'm not saying that, certainly by myself, because they've all
very different. But my point being that there's a certain
like familiarity for us in our relationships with people, and
you see it in the person you go, gosh, this
is gonna end just like the other one's end. It didn't.
Sure enough, later on down the road it does end
that way, and you're like, how come he keeps doing that?
Or how come she keeps doing that? It's always the
same thing, because I don't think we've ever really come
to terms with letting ourselves figure it out, being alone
and figure it out. And even though I've been alone
for five years. No real, I mean, like, tell me,
have you seen me with a woman around the many
people who listen to this podcast are in my local area. No,
I haven't. I haven't really talked. Only recently have I
started talking about somebody on the podcast, and even there
I try to back off a little bit because I
don't want to embarrass them and I don't know how whatever,
But the point being that I haven't. So there's been
no more dovetailing, but there's been certainly I'm I'm fucking
turned off. My feelings are turned off to a certain extent,
like the deep, deep feeling, the deep grieving of something
a relationship has ended. Give your time, yourself time to
heal as what they say, Well, let me tell you something.
As you get older, you start to realize how fucking
important that is. That's fucking important to do. You gotta
kind of heal through it. And my thing was like,
let's just find some new busy. I'm sorry for being
so descriptively stupid, but that is exactly kind of how
I always did things right. You avoided the pain of
breaking off a relationship, You avoided the pain of doing
things You turned off your feelings, you had no nerve endings,
and maybe if you did feel that for myself, maybe
I wouldn't have jumped into other relationships that weren't gonna
be good, you know what I mean, and sometimes just
slowing shit down and taking a look, you know, and
being okay, you're gonna be okay. I'm again, this may
be more me just talking to me, but I think
it's a relatable thing for many many people, and I
certainly have a track record to the point where I joke.
I think it might be a turnoff to some people
who go, wait, wait, what you were engaging you under?
So but my point is maybe if I had dealt
with that, and I didn't want to feel that pain,
I didn't want to feel that guilt, I didn't want
to feel that sadness. I didn't want to feel that
any of that. I just I didn't want to I
didn't want to deal with it. Was like a waste
of fucking time. Let's just keep going, is the way
I would say that. And I can't tell you how
many times in my life I go, that's a waste
of fucking time. And now I'm starting to see it's not.
It's not it's actually giving you a better life. And
it's a feeling that will pass, right, I always say
time and distance, but it will pass, and maybe you
learn from it, and maybe there were some good things
that you can see in it instead of just glazing
it over, like I just fucking laminated that one closed
the book on to the next. And I just think
that that's a bad way to be. And I think
for me, a lot of it came from turning off
my feelings when I was young, right, I couldn't have
anybody know this. This was an absolute secret, and it
fucked me up sexually and all. I'll tell you this.
I realized something today. I love the Rocky Mountains. Loved
the Rocky Mountains and spent a summer over thirty years
ago at my uncle's home in Parks City, Utah. But
I was sent there as a punishment, And I used
to always joke like who gets punished by going to
a bigger house, like being the you know, the fresh
prince of bel Air. They gave me a car to
use while I was there. I had my own room,
a big, beautiful house here in the Rockies. I got
a summer job that was fun. I had the freedom
to go and do whatever I wanted. We lived on
the house boat for two weeks, but I was sent
there as a punishment because I was bad, and I
was I think that there's some sexually fucked up shit
with me, and I used to go dive deep into porn,
and I think a lot of that steps back from
being molested. And my father told me, if I ever
find this in you know, my house again, you can't
live here. And I did it and he found it
and I couldn't live there, but he didn't. He didn't
have abandon me. But I've never gone back. I never
went back to park City. I'll talk about park City
with great love, but I've never been back. Why I
think I associate that with always I was always fucking
not in trouble like necessarily with the law. It's just
I'm trying to think of a TV character. You know,
You're like that TV character that was lovable, fairly innocent, fun,
just a lot of fun and mischievous. That was me.
But man, was I made to feel or I felt
like I just was always in trouble on a piece
of shit. So that was a feeling I felt. Other
than that I turned them all off, and I think
that that if you're gonna fully live, that's a better way.
Today I went to I don't know if anybody remembers,
and I think I put it on Billified, but certainly Belightenment.
Gina Petropolli is a reiki master, so she, hey, come
on the podcast. And I've been saying to myself, you know,
I've been hearing a lot about self care and you
know whatever. Maybe you laugh at that, maybe you don't,
because I certainly did for years, but I go, you
know what, I'm trying to figure out that I got.
I was thinking maybe I go to the Stretch Lab,
maybe I could get a massage. I don't know. And
I go, oh, I'm gonna give Gina a call, and
I'm going to go over and have reiki done. And
Gina is fantastic. She is at mind body soul raking wellness,
Mind body soul raking wellness. This was an amazing, amazing
thing that happened to me today. But as she's going
down and she's feeling your chakras and things like that,
it's energy. I know, maybe you think it's woo woo, horseshit.
She said, I need to stop here and ask you
a question and I said, okay. She said, have you
properly grieved or grieved your father's death? And I said,
I don't know. She said, okay, said because I'm over
your heart chakra and it's ice cold. And I went, oh, no,
there's a lot of stuff and it's and I'm telling you,
I knew it before I walked in there. I didn't
know it was that deep she felt it. It's gonna
be a lot for me to have to unpack here
and go through in my life. And I will do
that in a in my own way and maybe update
you along the way. But you gotta feel stuff, and
I have not allowed myself to feel things because it
was easier. And there's so many times I've always said
to people like I, I'll give you two things, and
remember this. This is a completely off the cuff episode.
So I appreciate you listening to it, and I'm hoping
in some way that there's some bit of benefit to
you in this. But I would always say, like I
just kind of floated in and out of things. If
I you know, radio I wanted to do. I got there,
I didn't know what to do once I got there,
so I, you know, I kind of grew. I got
to where then I figured it out. I got to
where I wanted to be. It wasn't really sure, kind
of nervous to go beyond my box, so to speak.
Did do an interview in LA, got offered the job,
just wasn't gonna work, and that's it, right, and now
that's over and that it's okay. That was fine. But
I just kind of floated through because there was no feeling.
There was no feeling or thought to like, Okay, I'm
gonna do this and I'm gonna put this amount of
money away and here's the plan and then five I
never did a five year plan, a ten year but
I never fucking did that. Somebody says, where do you
think of being five years? I don't fucking I couldn't
answer that. I never had to answer that question. But
I never asked myself that question. And not that you
maybe would or wouldn't, but I think sometimes when you
have a plan, you have a direction. I didn't. I
did sort of, but not really. It was kind of
this meandering thing, just kind of go with the flow,
and I wonder not sure if I had actually dealt
with things and felt them and realized I don't like this.
I want to be in more control of this. I
want to have this. I'm okay with this and really
felt them. Would I have gone further? Maybe I'm not disappointed.
I'd have no regrets. I really don't. But I'm just saying,
for yourself, maybe you have a regret, like to start
to feel the feeling, because I think the feeling is
the indicator. Lets you know if you're in the right
direction or not, or allowing yourself to feel the pain
of something to go. Why am I feeling is? How
am I gonna deal with it? What gets better from it?
I'm hoping I'm making sense. And when she told me,
my heart chockra ies, like, yeah, I got it, because
I've come to the conclusion that, fuck man, You've never
dealt with anything, nothing, nothing. How did I get to
Saint John Fisher College. I didn't have to write an essay?
My dad went there. He wanted me to go look
at the school, drove me there and went into the process.
We set up the overnight thing. I don't even think
I set it up. I think my mom did right.
So I floated through everything and there was never anything
that I didn't think I could really do or not
do in life. I just kind of did it. If
I thought, nah, this sounds fun, I'd do it. But
there was never really the plan. And I just wonder
sometimes if you're feeling and here's here's what I look
at my brother who I admire. I admire my brother
tons I don't know. I'm looking for the word excuse me.
I just admire the hell out of that guy. And
he did amazing, amazing things. And I don't know that
he We grew up in the same house with the
same parents. They get parent every kid differently, but I
think there are some things that are very similar. And
I do wonder, and I'll never ask because it's kind
of none of my business and it's a little late anyway,
But if we all turned off our feelings for whatever reason,
I don't think that he went through the trauma I
went through, or the not that trauma sexual molestation. But
maybe there was something else that I'm not aware of.
But I know that what I've watched with my brother
was that he went and did things. And I go
back to if it scares you and excites you, do it.
And he was flying planes at a young age. You
can't tell me that your stomach is in nots or butterflies.
It's your first time you were sending by yourself and
your flying planes. He was flying planes before he was
I think he could do it at fourteen or fifteen.
He was doing it then and didn't even have a
driver's license. Then he goes to flight school, realizes that's
not working out for him, and my whole thing all
my life was well, he can't be a quitter. You
can't be a quitter. He actually felt that, recognized that
and dropped out, hit a wind cheer, had an engine stall.
I don't really know. Maybe it's slightly different than but
that was it. Then he comes home and he's going
to the community college, and he hated living with my
parents and he's like, I can't do this, So through
the community college. I don't even know how he did that.
He went and studied in Cambridge, England, right, and then
while he's there he decides, well, I'll take the summer
and I'll back back, like there were plans because you
accepted the feeling I don't want to be here and
I don't want to be here right, this isn't working out.
It's not what I thought it was. And it's okay
to say no because in the end it's a better
life instead. How many of us stick with a shitty job,
a shitty relationship, a shitty whatever. Why Because that's the
way that it was always done. I can't disappoint people.
I can't whatever. The fucking meet up shit, That's what
I'm saying. Feel the fucking feeling. Let it be your
indicator to go. This doesn't work for me, fuck it.
My brother then winds up going to coming back. He
finishes his degree at Cornell. When he graduates, he was
a laborer, I don't know, negotiator. So he winds up
in New York City. He's working a job, living with
a bunch of guys. I think there was more guys
than there was space in the apartment, but they were
all in and out so often that it never really mattered.
On the Upper East Side of n And he's loving it.
He's got a buddy, they get drunk together, they have
a great time, and his job was to be part
of the team that negotiated the police and fire contracts.
At some point, they bring in the cake for a guy. Hey, congratulations.
In thirty years, and I really goes, fuck this, fuck this,
I'm not doing it. I cannot do it. So he
quits no plan, no anything. Now I understand what right
I'm saying he should have a He didn't. I don't
think he had a plan. I don't think he knows
what he was gonna do. And he started talking about, Hey,
how cool would it be to ride my bike cross country?
And he had met some people from I forget what
Teddy Roosevelt had a h is it the Outlanders. There's
some club and they're big. It's fancy people in this club.
But my brother met through his girlfriend's father that club,
and I think he even went afterwards and talked to
them about his trip. But he was talking about biking
cross country. And then he just bought a bike, and
my father bought him the maps, and he flew out
to Seattle, stayed with his buddy who lived there, and
then bicycled from Seattle to Virginia. There's maps and bikes,
and there's not bikes paths. Sometimes you're on main roads.
And he had an unbelievable adventure along the way. But
why because he felt like he didn't he didn't want
to be in that job in New York City. He
wasn't gonna stick it out. This is where I've gone.
I went to school, I paid the money, I got it.
He didn't, he felt it, He moved on, felt it,
moved on, came back from that, got a master's degree,
wound up working at Disney. After a while with Disney
this isn't for me, and now lives in Kenny Bunk,
Maine and absolutely loves it there. They have what I
would say is a pretty amazing life, a pretty amazing
life with filled with really rich, rich relationships and friendships.
Their friends are so much fucking fun. Like I'm envious
of all the fun things they do as couples and
and even just individuals. It's amazing. My point being, there's
an example of what I believe I don't know, in
my opinion is that he went with the feeling, and
the feelings were his guide. Is he doing great? Yeah?
Does he have what I think is a pretty enviable life, yes?
Is he happy? Sure, seems to be, has great kids,
a wonderful wife, beautiful wife. I just everything just seems
to and I just go, Boy, it comes down to
if you just if it's not be honest with yourself.
Tap into the feeling. Feel the fucking feeling. Feel it,
feel it. Let it just sit with you and sit
with the feeling. It will pass. It's not gonna It
doesn't have to take over your life. It doesn't have
to be you're depressed and in a ball and never
able to get out of bed. But feel it, recognize it,
let it be your guide to things. Because when you
have a cold heart, as I was told today, and
you need to open those chakras. And I know for
myself that I just have not and that was a
thought not with Gina who did the reiki, but on
my own and maybe through the mental health counseling a
little bit here, that I just the no nerve endings
thing is not the right way to live. It's not
use your feelings. Use your feelings. You don't have to
be soft and wimpy, and but use them as a guide.
If something isn't working, either confront it in a very
calm and natural way that you can talk to somebody
and maybe work it out. If it's in a relationship,
or you have to decide that this just isn't isn't
for me, be respectful and mourn a relationship be sad
that it's over. Understand that there'll be moments maybe when
you miss somebody or you miss certain things about that.
But in the end, and it's probably the better decision
because you had the feeling and you weren't doing anything
about the feeling, and you were staying stuck. And when
you're stuck and kind of miserable, when you're stuck and
turned off, you're no good to anybody. You're no good
to anybody. It's just the way it is, right, just
the way it is. Thank you for allowing me to
audio verbally dump on you. I was gonna say audio dump,
but verbally dump my diary on you. But I do
think that there are things that have been kicking her
out of my head that may help you, and I
know are gonna help me. Maybe this is one more
for a bill lightenment. And sometimes I like to reach
the bigger audience, which is certainly a bilified and I
thank you for being part of that audience. It means
more to me than I can properly express. We'll see
you tomorrow. Hello, my friends. Let's be honest. Twenty twenty
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