WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.960 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:07.559 on the iHeartRadio App. 4 00:00:07.960 --> 00:00:08.759 Welcome back to the. 5 00:00:08.679 --> 00:00:11.480 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live 6 00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:13.960 everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I always say that live 7 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:18.079 everywhere on the iHeartRadio App because you know, AM radio 8 00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:21.480 is great for many people, but most people nowadays are 9 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:25.280 app based, and if you download the iHeartRadio App, you 10 00:00:25.320 --> 00:00:28.679 can listen a live at any time to me or 11 00:00:28.679 --> 00:00:31.440 anybody else who you love on KFI. But also everything 12 00:00:31.480 --> 00:00:33.159 gets stored in there, so if you miss part of 13 00:00:33.159 --> 00:00:35.399 a show or a past show, you can always find 14 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:38.159 it on the iHeartRadio App. All right, I am back 15 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:42.159 to answering your social media questions. If you have a question, 16 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:44.320 you can send it by a direct message to me 17 00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:47.359 on Instagram. Producer Kayla goes through them. She picks them. 18 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:51.200 I do keep your identity anonymous. You send it to 19 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:53.039 at doctor Wendy Walsh. 20 00:00:53.200 --> 00:00:53.600 All right. 21 00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:58.640 This listener says, dear Doctor Wendy, I know you proposed 22 00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:01.359 to your boyfriend. I've been dating a guy for four 23 00:01:01.359 --> 00:01:04.760 months and I'm ready to make it exclusive. Is it 24 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.879 okay to ask him to be my boyfriend? Or should 25 00:01:07.879 --> 00:01:11.439 I wait for him to ask me? All right, there 26 00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:12.920 are a couple of things I need to say here 27 00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:16.159 right off the top. First of all, like a lawyer 28 00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:18.920 in a court room, never ask a question you don't 29 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:19.840 know the answer to. 30 00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:23.640 And so when I proposed to my sweet. 31 00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:26.840 Julio, we had already had discussions about getting married, not 32 00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:30.200 necessarily the when or the where or the exact, but 33 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:32.840 you know, I knew that what his answer was going 34 00:01:32.920 --> 00:01:35.519 to be, even though he paused. I mean, you can 35 00:01:35.560 --> 00:01:38.400 see it. It's on my YouTube channel, and it's really 36 00:01:38.439 --> 00:01:41.560 freaky when he pauses. But his explanation is that we 37 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:44.799 had practiced a little script for the segment, the KFI segment, 38 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:47.599 and then I asked a question that was off script, 39 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:52.120 so we had to think, okay. But your next question 40 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:56.400 is you're ready to make it exclusive and you've been 41 00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:01.239 together four months, So my curiosity is are you already 42 00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:04.439 in bed together? Are you knocking boots? Are you having 43 00:02:04.439 --> 00:02:08.080 a great old time? Is it delicious? Then you missed 44 00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:11.159 your moment. Here's the thing you need to ask for. 45 00:02:11.560 --> 00:02:15.039 So there's two things here. There's sexual exclusivity, And then 46 00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:21.280 there's also the you know, public title of what are 47 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:26.360 we right? And sexual exclusivity the question about it should 48 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:30.039 happen before onset of first sex in a relationship, right, 49 00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:34.240 that's when you say, hey, loving getting to knowing, getting 50 00:02:34.280 --> 00:02:36.960 to know you. I think you're great. Clearly I can 51 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:39.120 tell you're into me. It'd be fun to take this 52 00:02:39.159 --> 00:02:42.479 to the next step. But as long as we're getting 53 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:45.759 to know each other, I'd like to know that if 54 00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:49.280 we're sleeping together, I'm the only person you're sleeping with. Right, 55 00:02:49.360 --> 00:02:51.680 So it's not like saying, let's post on Instagram that 56 00:02:51.719 --> 00:02:55.159 we're a couple. No, it's just saying it's asking for 57 00:02:55.199 --> 00:02:59.280 sexual exclusivity. So that's the first step. But it sounds 58 00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:01.800 like you miss that. I don't know, maybe you haven't 59 00:03:01.800 --> 00:03:03.719 even had sex. Then that's the time to do it. 60 00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:08.759 But then you don't ask somebody will you be my 61 00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:14.759 boyfriend until you've had trust and intimacy and talked about 62 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:18.680 sweet things and have that thing. You know, so at 63 00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:21.319 a certain point you might say, hey. 64 00:03:21.400 --> 00:03:23.759 Are we a thing? Are we like a public thing? 65 00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:24.039 Are we? 66 00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:26.120 I mean, you don't have to say is it okay? 67 00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:28.840 If I'm your boyfriend, your girlfriend, or you know what, 68 00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:31.159 I make it so official you just kind of say 69 00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:33.759 yoma one and only. Is that the what's working for you? 70 00:03:34.520 --> 00:03:38.400 Get the information you need, but again, ask for sexual 71 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:44.599 exclusivity first, then the identifying thing later. All right, Dear 72 00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:51.199 doctor Wendy says this listener, my girlfriend's brother hates me. Hmm, 73 00:03:51.240 --> 00:03:53.840 I'm so good to her, And she says he's like 74 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:56.759 this with every boyfriend she's ever had. He's rude to me, 75 00:03:56.800 --> 00:03:59.800 and I think it's childish. I also don't tolerate that treatment, 76 00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:01.240 but I want to be respectful of her. 77 00:04:01.400 --> 00:04:02.039 What can I do? 78 00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:05.080 Okay, So clearly he has an anxious attachment to his sister, 79 00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:08.960 maybe an enmeshed family, and he's worried about abandonment, right 80 00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:11.560 because I know, okay, I'm not gonna be stereotypical, but 81 00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:15.199 I'm gonna be stereotypical whenever I met a guy who 82 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.720 was raised by a single mother and he was the 83 00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:23.000 only child. She had a husband and he had a wife, 84 00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:27.279 and that mom always hated me, right or did things 85 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:29.959 to kind of break us up in some way. And again, 86 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:34.160 not logical, not rational, doesn't make sense. Our emotional mind 87 00:04:34.199 --> 00:04:38.639 is very different. From our intellectual mind. So the brother 88 00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:41.120 may not even realize that he's doing this, or if 89 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:42.759 he does, maybe he's like, I. 90 00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:45.759 Don't trust guys around you. It was to be super protective. Whatever. 91 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:48.079 So you got a couple choices here. 92 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:50.319 If you plan on this to be a long term, 93 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:52.439 long term thing with her, you're gonna have a relationship 94 00:04:52.439 --> 00:04:54.079 with him for the rest of your life. So you 95 00:04:54.160 --> 00:04:56.879 might want to do something with him alone, invite him 96 00:04:56.879 --> 00:04:59.000 out to do something whatever it is guys do together, 97 00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:00.560 I don't know, think play game, go to a bar 98 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:02.839 or whatever, and then just say, hey, I just want 99 00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:06.319 you to know I really feel grateful to be a 100 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:09.199 part of your family, and I want you to know 101 00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:13.199 that I really respect your sister, and I hope we 102 00:05:13.240 --> 00:05:13.800 can be cool. 103 00:05:14.360 --> 00:05:14.959 That's all you do. 104 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:18.000 You just try to establish a secondary relationship. If that's 105 00:05:18.040 --> 00:05:20.199 not gonna work, they just avoid him as much as 106 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:22.360 you can, like literally, if you have to go to 107 00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:25.439 family things, sit in a different place. If he tries 108 00:05:25.480 --> 00:05:27.439 to trigger you by saying stuff, just you know, move on, 109 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.399 just just yeah, let it go right, Just let him 110 00:05:30.399 --> 00:05:35.920 do his own thing. Okay, moving along here, Hi, doctor Wendy, 111 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:38.920 I'm dating a new guy. Who ignores my text Sometimes 112 00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:41.199 I find it very rude. We've been dating a month. 113 00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:43.839 Is this a deal breaker or a conversation? It's a 114 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:46.160 conversation like anything else. You tell me more your. 115 00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:48.800 Needs are Also, how often are you texting? Are you 116 00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:49.639 bombarding him? 117 00:05:49.720 --> 00:05:51.560 Because if you're bombarding him, of course he's going to 118 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:53.959 cause space And if you want him to text more 119 00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:57.680 text less just saying, but you know, stop texting and 120 00:05:57.720 --> 00:06:00.680 get on the phone see each other's say. The text 121 00:06:00.759 --> 00:06:03.240 thing it doesn't work. I know, it's how everybody starts. 122 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:06.120 But then it's got to move relationship to move to something. 123 00:06:09.160 --> 00:06:13.480 Dear doctor Wendy, a woman I am dating always showers 124 00:06:13.800 --> 00:06:17.399 after intimacy. It offends me because I feel like she 125 00:06:17.439 --> 00:06:19.600 doesn't want to cuddle or have my scent on her. 126 00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:22.519 How do I bring this up with her? 127 00:06:23.920 --> 00:06:24.160 Sir? 128 00:06:25.160 --> 00:06:28.079 Must I give you a lesson in female anatomy? And 129 00:06:28.399 --> 00:06:31.040 I guess I mean I got the lecture from a 130 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:34.199 doctor at a hospital when I was in there with 131 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.920 a bladder infection and another kind of infection when I 132 00:06:36.959 --> 00:06:37.800 was like a teenager. 133 00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:39.040 So I'm gonna give you the lecture. 134 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:42.560 The worst thing a woman can do immediately after sexual 135 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:46.759 intercourse is lay around and can I say in all 136 00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:49.399 the juices, Kayla, I don't know, but you know what 137 00:06:49.439 --> 00:06:54.319 I mean. She can't. She makes herself more vulnerable to 138 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:58.360 a whole bunch of infections. It is very important that 139 00:06:58.439 --> 00:06:59.759 she hop up get herself cleaned. 140 00:06:59.800 --> 00:06:59.959 Now. 141 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:02.199 If she doesn't come back from the shower for the cuddle, 142 00:07:02.439 --> 00:07:03.360 that's a whole other thing. 143 00:07:03.720 --> 00:07:06.319 Right, So why do you talk to her about it? 144 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:07.000 Right? 145 00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:08.879 Why don't you take a shower with her? Why don't 146 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:10.279 you help her clean herself? Be together? 147 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:15.759 That's what I'm saying, really, Dear doctor Wendy, my boyfriend 148 00:07:15.800 --> 00:07:19.199 just started a medication to help his mood swings, but 149 00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:23.079 it takes away all his personality and care for me. 150 00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:25.519 We've been together three years. How do I deal with this? 151 00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:28.279 You talk to him, and you tell him to talk 152 00:07:28.319 --> 00:07:30.759 to his doctor. This is not for me to weigh in. 153 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:33.240 This is a medical question. I'm not a medical doctor. 154 00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:38.120 And seriously, if it's really changed his personality, he might 155 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:41.199 need his meds adjusted. So tell him about it and 156 00:07:41.439 --> 00:07:44.680 talk to his doctor. Alrighty, when we come back, I 157 00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:47.680 have a very special guest who's going to talk about 158 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:52.199 how we build a model for love in our early lives. 159 00:07:52.600 --> 00:07:54.839 You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI 160 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:58.120 AM six forty would Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 161 00:07:59.240 --> 00:08:03.600 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 162 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:04.639 AM six forty. 163 00:08:06.240 --> 00:08:08.720 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 164 00:08:08.759 --> 00:08:12.720 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 165 00:08:13.160 --> 00:08:15.879 You hear me talk about it all the time. Love 166 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:17.279 begins in childhood. 167 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:22.360 Parents and the relationship between babies and toddlers create a 168 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:25.480 kind of blueprint for loves. When people call me and 169 00:08:25.519 --> 00:08:28.879 they have questions about dating advice, I always say, talk 170 00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:32.440 to your therapist about what happened early in life if 171 00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:35.639 you want to be able to change your patterns as 172 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:38.840 an adult looking for love or trying to maintain a 173 00:08:38.879 --> 00:08:42.360 healthy relationship. So I thought I would bring on a therapist, 174 00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:46.440 a psychologist, a child and family psychologist who's been practicing 175 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:50.000 for forty years. I'd like to welcome doctor Paul SUNSERI. 176 00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:51.799 Welcome to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show. 177 00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:54.879 Well, thank you, Wendy. I appreciate it. It's a pleasure 178 00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:55.240 being on. 179 00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:00.600 And your new book is called Gentle Parenting reimagine how 180 00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:04.600 to make it work with oppositional and defiant kids, and 181 00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:07.720 it just came out this month. Congratulations on your new book. 182 00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:11.559 Let's first of all, talk a little bit. Because you 183 00:09:11.639 --> 00:09:15.240 work with children, you work with families, you, I'm sure 184 00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:20.519 know a lot about attachment theory. Tell me what explain 185 00:09:20.600 --> 00:09:25.240 to people who are listening how this important relationship early 186 00:09:25.279 --> 00:09:28.399 in life with our primary caregivers is so important to 187 00:09:28.480 --> 00:09:29.960 our adult romantic lives. 188 00:09:32.120 --> 00:09:35.039 Well, it's a great question. So the thing of it 189 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:39.960 is that obviously the relationship that parents have with their kids, 190 00:09:40.039 --> 00:09:42.799 the stronger that is, the more securely attached it is, 191 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:46.559 that becomes a template for the relationships that kids will 192 00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:49.960 then seek out in the future as adults. So kids 193 00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:53.399 are well loved and they have a strong connection to 194 00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:56.759 their parents, then very likely those are the adults that 195 00:09:56.799 --> 00:09:59.320 they are going to seek out in the future. So, 196 00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:01.799 you know, we all want our kids to grow up 197 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:04.799 and to be in happy, healthy relationships. And I think 198 00:10:04.840 --> 00:10:07.279 sometimes when there are problems or issues in the family 199 00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:11.639 of origin, maybe the connection the child has to their parents, 200 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:15.559 maybe there's some dysfunction within the family. The problem with 201 00:10:15.600 --> 00:10:18.679 that is that in future relationships, often people seek out 202 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:23.080 other people who mirror their experiences in childhood. 203 00:10:23.440 --> 00:10:25.000 Right, I always say, we go back to the scene 204 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:28.840 of the crime, and we will pick partners who actually 205 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:29.240 bring our. 206 00:10:29.200 --> 00:10:31.120 Worst nightmares because they're familiar to us. 207 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:34.360 Like love isn't about finding happiness, it's about finding the familiar. 208 00:10:35.639 --> 00:10:38.639 So what do you say to parents who say, Oh, 209 00:10:38.759 --> 00:10:42.039 my baby or my toddler's so independent. I'm so proud 210 00:10:42.120 --> 00:10:45.240 of them. They're already holding the baby bottle at four 211 00:10:45.279 --> 00:10:48.039 months and they don't need me or miss me. They 212 00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:50.639 don't cry when I leave. This is so wonderful. They're 213 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:53.200 so independent. What's your response to that? 214 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:56.879 Well, I think a kid being independent is a really 215 00:10:56.919 --> 00:10:59.279 good thing, right. I think we all want our kids 216 00:10:59.399 --> 00:11:01.480 to be able to do things on their own and 217 00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:05.919 make independent decisions that are found and reasonable. But you know, 218 00:11:06.039 --> 00:11:08.480 any quality too much of a good thing is no 219 00:11:08.519 --> 00:11:10.639 longer a good thing. And so the parent that you 220 00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:12.720 just describe worries me a little bit. I love the 221 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:15.120 fact that they're proud of their kids for being independent, obviously, 222 00:11:16.120 --> 00:11:18.559 but to say they don't miss me when when I 223 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:21.080 leave the room, I don't know. I start to worry 224 00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:23.360 a little bit. Most kids do miss their parents. When 225 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:26.080 they leave the room, and when they return, they're excited 226 00:11:26.120 --> 00:11:29.919 to see them. So, you know, independence is great, but 227 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:33.440 I want kids to, in addition to being independent, to 228 00:11:33.440 --> 00:11:36.440 have a strong connection to their parents, a strong attachment exactly. 229 00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:40.240 I mean emotional independence is something that a baby shouldn't 230 00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:45.240 have yet, right, It's like they're an emotional umbilical cord 231 00:11:45.320 --> 00:11:48.559 to a parent's heart for a very long period of time. 232 00:11:49.759 --> 00:11:53.639 You know, you work with families and you're in the 233 00:11:53.720 --> 00:11:58.080 trenches every day. When you see parents who have an 234 00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:02.519 insecure attachment with their children, I'm sure you immediately think 235 00:12:02.600 --> 00:12:07.200 to yourself, well, what happened in that parent's childhood? Are 236 00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:12.360 you able to heal families through working with parents' attachment injuries? 237 00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:17.600 Well, another really good question. So let me see if 238 00:12:17.639 --> 00:12:19.840 I can explain it in a way that will make 239 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:23.879 sense to your listeners. So, the families that I work with, 240 00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:29.679 they're a mess. Right. So kid presents her treatment in 241 00:12:29.759 --> 00:12:34.240 our clinic, and usually they're there because they have some 242 00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:37.159 sort of a serious mental health condition. So they might 243 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:39.919 have what's called oppositional defining disorder, and that's just kids 244 00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:42.799 who have a very hard time following directions and doing 245 00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:46.759 what's asked to them. That may be, say a teenager 246 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:51.080 who engages in some kind of regular self harming behavior. 247 00:12:51.080 --> 00:12:55.399 They might cut themselves. They could be a teenager who's suicidal. 248 00:12:55.799 --> 00:13:00.000 That could be possibly a kid who is so anxious 249 00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:03.120 that either they have great difficulty going to school or 250 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:08.360 maybe they stop going to school altogether. So in those situations, 251 00:13:08.519 --> 00:13:12.679 everybody's attachments are afraid right because it is so stressful, 252 00:13:13.159 --> 00:13:17.879 and life at home is often so chaotic, it's difficult 253 00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:21.799 for parents to be close to their kids in situations 254 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:23.919 like that, and for kids to be close to their parents. 255 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:28.120 So a large part of my work is figuring out 256 00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:31.120 what is getting in the way of this family being 257 00:13:31.159 --> 00:13:36.039 close to one another. And often then what's required is 258 00:13:36.080 --> 00:13:39.320 to really address the behavior problems that the child is 259 00:13:39.399 --> 00:13:44.240 exhibiting and intervene in such a way that those problems 260 00:13:44.360 --> 00:13:47.320 either go away completely or vastly reduced. And then what 261 00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:52.120 happens magically if parents then start to have a far 262 00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:54.360 better relationship with their kids, and kids have a far 263 00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:58.600 better relationship with their parents. There's a natural inclination among humans, 264 00:13:58.600 --> 00:14:01.360 I think, to want to be close right, especially among 265 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:05.559 family members. But when a kid is struggling, particularly in 266 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:09.039 some sort of a serious way. It's hard for their 267 00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:12.120 to be closeness in the family in terms of family 268 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:16.480 of origin. So sometimes the parents that they work with, 269 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:19.639 you know, they're all very well intentioned, with the vast 270 00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:22.960 majority of them are. But sometimes I work with parents 271 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:27.480 who themselves can be very highly reactive. Right, so their 272 00:14:27.559 --> 00:14:29.639 kid is doing or saying something that they don't like. 273 00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:32.279 You know, it's very difficult for that parent to stay 274 00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:35.120 emotionally regulated. And that's sort of any parent of a 275 00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:37.799 more difficult to parent kid, a harder kid. But there's 276 00:14:37.799 --> 00:14:39.120 some parents who struggle with at the. 277 00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:39.440 Moment, you know. 278 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:43.320 I remember when my kids were little, my therapist said 279 00:14:43.320 --> 00:14:45.039 something to me that was so helpful. 280 00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:46.440 She said, in. 281 00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:49.759 Order for kids to truly love their parents, they have 282 00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:51.879 to be allowed to hate them sometimes. 283 00:14:55.159 --> 00:14:58.039 Well, I mean, I think every parent I know, myself included, 284 00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:01.519 at one point their kids say to them I hate Yeah. 285 00:15:01.720 --> 00:15:03.320 I remember saying it to my parents. 286 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:05.320 Yeah, And I do. 287 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:08.399 Believe in those moments probably they did me. But that 288 00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:10.279 passes all right, But it's our. 289 00:15:10.279 --> 00:15:12.519 Job to not be reactive to just say, you know what, 290 00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:17.600 they're just using the language they have to express their frustration, right, 291 00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:19.879 I want to talk more about your book, and I 292 00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:23.000 want to talk more about Gentle parenting and how you 293 00:15:23.039 --> 00:15:27.039 have reimagined it, because I know that some people have 294 00:15:27.159 --> 00:15:30.200 misgivings and think it's about spoiling the kid, and I 295 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:32.279 really want to get into it more when we return. 296 00:15:32.360 --> 00:15:36.159 My guest is doctor Paul Sunseri. He's in San Francisco. 297 00:15:36.279 --> 00:15:39.720 He is a forty year clinician in the trenches working 298 00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:42.639 with children and families. If you do have kids, if 299 00:15:42.679 --> 00:15:44.840 you have a kid who just had kids, you might 300 00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:48.840 want to get them this book, Gentle Parenting Reimagined How 301 00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:52.000 to Make It Work with Oppositional and Defiant Kids. 302 00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:52.840 We'll be right back. 303 00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:54.639 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on kf 304 00:15:54.679 --> 00:15:57.960 I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 305 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:02.559 You're listening to Doctor b Walsh on demand from KFI 306 00:16:02.759 --> 00:16:03.679 AM six forty. 307 00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:06.960 Well, that's a doculating well show on KFI AM six 308 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:11.159 forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My guest clinical 309 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:16.879 psychologist doctor Paul Sunseri. His book Gentle Parenting Reimagined How 310 00:16:16.879 --> 00:16:20.000 to Make It Work with Oppositional and Defiant Kids. It 311 00:16:20.240 --> 00:16:23.840 just came out this month. Let's talk about we're talking 312 00:16:23.879 --> 00:16:27.960 about in early childhood creating a healthy model for love 313 00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:30.240 so that these kids can grow up and have healthy 314 00:16:30.279 --> 00:16:35.879 relationships themselves, Doctor Paul, What do parents get wrong most 315 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:39.240 often when it comes to gentle parenting. 316 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:42.440 Well, let me just define gentle country really fast. 317 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:42.720 Yeah. 318 00:16:42.759 --> 00:16:46.559 What it doesically is that focuses on parents having a close, 319 00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:49.480 loving relationship with their kids, really the best relationship they 320 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:54.480 possibly can. And in the parenting style, parents try to 321 00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:57.399 lean into their kids emotionally or at least as much 322 00:16:57.399 --> 00:17:01.279 as they possibly can. And it argues that when kids misbehave, 323 00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:03.240 that if they do something their parents don't want them 324 00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:06.720 to do, parents should focus less on punishment and more 325 00:17:06.759 --> 00:17:11.119 on trying to empathize and understand the child. Previous generations 326 00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:15.279 focused a lot more on punishment than what gentle parenting does. 327 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:17.759 It's again less about that and more just trying to 328 00:17:17.799 --> 00:17:20.039 collaborate and empathize with the child. 329 00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:24.079 I always say there are no bad kids, just misunderstood kids. 330 00:17:24.599 --> 00:17:27.079 Yeah. Yes, I've never met a bad kid. I've met 331 00:17:27.160 --> 00:17:29.200 challenging kids, lots of them, but never a bad one. 332 00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:33.319 Right, So, how do parents? And I'm guilty this. So 333 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:38.200 I had two very extremes of children. One I literally 334 00:17:38.279 --> 00:17:41.559 never ever said to her, is your homework done? And 335 00:17:41.640 --> 00:17:43.960 she rushed home from school and did it and the 336 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.319 extra credit and literally walked herself alone from kindergarten into Harvard. 337 00:17:49.039 --> 00:17:52.920 The next kid, five years later, filled with learning differences 338 00:17:53.359 --> 00:17:55.960 a little bit on the spectrum you would call maybe 339 00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:59.480 oppositionally defiant. She owned her no, that's for sure, and 340 00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:02.519 trying to get that one through school was very, very, 341 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:07.359 very difficult. I made so many mistakes behaviorally at the 342 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:09.519 beginning with this kid before I went up to UCLA 343 00:18:09.599 --> 00:18:10.200 neuropsych and. 344 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:11.279 Took some parenting classes. 345 00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:17.119 Good, but how do parents unintentionally reinforce their children's negative behavior? 346 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:18.759 And I know what you're going to say, because I 347 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:19.880 probably did it for six years. 348 00:18:21.319 --> 00:18:25.200 Okay, Well, there's a lot of unintentional reinforcement. I think 349 00:18:25.240 --> 00:18:28.480 the easiest example to explain to people is kids who 350 00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:33.319 are explosive, Kids who maybe yell and you know, scream 351 00:18:33.400 --> 00:18:36.039 at their parents, maybe even curse at their parents. And 352 00:18:36.119 --> 00:18:39.279 usually that's in response to being told no to something, 353 00:18:40.200 --> 00:18:42.759 not getting permission to do something that they want. And 354 00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:44.640 so if a kid puts up a big enough fight, 355 00:18:45.200 --> 00:18:47.839 you know, gets loud enough and harsh enough with their parents. 356 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:52.200 It's really common and understandable that those parents sometimes back down, 357 00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:56.039 like I get yeah, it's not worth it. And so 358 00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:59.559 when a kid learns that they can change their parents' behavior, 359 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:03.920 sometimes by turning a no into a yes, by acting out, 360 00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:06.160 that kid is just going to act out. It teaches 361 00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:08.839 them to be persistent, and sometimes it teaches them to 362 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:11.920 be mean. So that's the most common reinforcement pattern that 363 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:14.880 I see in family that I work very hard to change. 364 00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:17.319 In the book describes many many ways of changing that. 365 00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:21.000 So my daughter loved to have the most screaming, embarrassing 366 00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:26.400 meltdown tantrums in the most inappropriate places airplanes, museums, stores, 367 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:29.839 et cetera. And I fed her tantrums with ice cream. 368 00:19:33.480 --> 00:19:36.799 It was a bad story. Kids can sometimes remind me 369 00:19:36.839 --> 00:19:40.240 of they're a little extortions, sometimes aware when they're going 370 00:19:40.279 --> 00:19:42.000 to act out. That's why I get backed out in 371 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.400 public so much, because they know their parents are embarrass 372 00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:47.079 and they go no, no, no, no, no worry about I'll 373 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:49.759 get you what you want. It's very common for kids to. 374 00:19:49.720 --> 00:19:51.680 Be you know, when I finally went up to UCLA, 375 00:19:51.720 --> 00:19:54.920 there was this wonderful licensed clinical social worker named doctor 376 00:19:55.119 --> 00:19:59.599 Cynthia Whittam, and she taught me to catch them being good, 377 00:20:00.119 --> 00:20:02.519 give lots of attention when they're being good, and when 378 00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:06.920 they're being bad literally ignore, literally give no response, like 379 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.519 you're just a robot parent walking around. And it was 380 00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:12.440 so hard, but it did extinguish the behavior. 381 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:15.400 Took some time, but it worked well. 382 00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:16.240 Go ahead. 383 00:20:16.279 --> 00:20:18.000 It's great advice, and that's kind of the opposite of 384 00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:20.759 what gentle parenting advises. They lean into their kids when 385 00:20:20.759 --> 00:20:24.279 they're tanswering, and that's partially what's wrong with gentle parenting 386 00:20:24.359 --> 00:20:27.039 is that approach backfires and it's not consistent with the 387 00:20:27.079 --> 00:20:29.319 evidence with the kid who's misbehaving in some way. 388 00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:33.000 And why doesn't punishment work well with some kids? 389 00:20:34.440 --> 00:20:37.039 Well, it's kind of a complicated question. Punishment, in its 390 00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:40.440 strictest definition is a kid misbehaves and there's a penalty 391 00:20:40.440 --> 00:20:43.920 for that. So for example, a kid who doesn't do 392 00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:47.400 their homework maybe then over the weekend doesn't get to 393 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:50.880 see their friends. So if the penalty that is imposed 394 00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:53.680 that can't be undone. There's an alternative to that, which 395 00:20:53.720 --> 00:20:57.359 I call pause, earn in return reinforcement, and it's kind 396 00:20:57.359 --> 00:20:59.640 of a reverse that it works a lot better. So 397 00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:02.359 the way pausitive and return works is if you want 398 00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:05.079 to see your friends this weekend, then you're going to 399 00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:07.000 have to get all your homework done by then. Or 400 00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:10.319 an alternative explanation would be a cad that's disrespectful to 401 00:21:10.359 --> 00:21:12.039