WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:07.120 Jake always came home laid on Tuesdays. Now I was 2 00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:09.679 in the habit of waiting up, half from anticipation, half 3 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:12.400 from the impossibility of sleeping alone. With city light bleeding 4 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:15.320 into our new lofts window beans. The sky was navy, 5 00:00:15.359 --> 00:00:17.239 the mono rail humming far below, but I kept the 6 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:20.079 kitchen dim, the glass of cabernet shifting amethyst in my hand. 7 00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:23.320 I stood by the big window, where reflection transparent against 8 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:26.239 the sky line. Jake appeared at the front entrance, framed 9 00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:28.800 by greenish hallway light, his helmet clipped to his backpack, 10 00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:31.760 face flushed from window laughter. I watched him through the 11 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:34.159 glass as he slowed, then stopped just outside the door, 12 00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:36.960 smiling down at his phone. His shoulders lifted in a 13 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:39.000 silent chuckle, as whole body loose in a way I 14 00:00:39.039 --> 00:00:41.159 hadn't seen during our Friday night de beefs of the 15 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:44.520 rush functional mornings we'd live lately. After a beat, he 16 00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:46.759 wiped at the corners of his mouth, thumbed off the fawn, 17 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:49.240 and made himself neutral face before king into the loft. 18 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:52.520 Here up, he said, lowering his helmet, his voice echoing 19 00:00:52.520 --> 00:00:55.320 off the polished wood floors. He leaned in for a kiss, 20 00:00:55.359 --> 00:00:57.960 and I caught a note that lingered spicier than his 21 00:00:58.039 --> 00:01:01.759 usual aftershave. Not entirely coll something intermingled, like a thorn 22 00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:04.280 scent pressed on to him from a close base. He 23 00:01:04.359 --> 00:01:07.400 smelled shared. He tossed his gloves on the counter with 24 00:01:07.400 --> 00:01:10.400 a practice flick, and grinned all energy. He should have 25 00:01:10.439 --> 00:01:12.799 seen Ana on the last stretch, she insisted on taking 26 00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:14.680 the gravel due to a cycle straight into a mess 27 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:16.719 of black berry bushes. Spent the rest of the ride 28 00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:20.400 picking thorns out of her ankle. Annah. My tone made 29 00:01:20.439 --> 00:01:23.480 it sound like a test. Yeah, Anna, she's the club's 30 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:27.120 wild card, total comic relief. His laugh was quick and casual, 31 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.120 but his eyes darted. Honestly, you'd get a kick out 32 00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:33.319 of her. She's always making up group nicknames, pulling pranks. Ridiculous. 33 00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:37.040 I sipped my wine, masking an instinct to question. Jake 34 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:39.760 was rarely this buoyant unless he just landed a project. 35 00:01:40.439 --> 00:01:42.200 It was neither way. He spoke about some one I 36 00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:44.319 hadn't met, a friend, produced whole from the ether of 37 00:01:44.319 --> 00:01:47.439 club rides and funny stories. I set my glass down. 38 00:01:48.200 --> 00:01:52.079 Sounds like you have fun, Yeah, justa he paused, and 39 00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:55.280 strapping his bike bag. Long day. Sorry, I'm in late. 40 00:01:55.319 --> 00:01:57.120 It went later than we thought. He should come next 41 00:01:57.159 --> 00:01:59.879 time or not, Ye deserve a break, I'll shower I probably. 42 00:02:00.840 --> 00:02:03.120 He flashed a reassuring smile, but there was tired iness 43 00:02:03.159 --> 00:02:06.200 looking in his eyes. When he disappeared into the bathroom, 44 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:08.120 I found myself staring at the curve of my own 45 00:02:08.159 --> 00:02:11.800 reflection jaw tie. We'd always been honest, always checked in, 46 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:15.199 But now standing in Nirderne kitchen, I was tugged by 47 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:18.599 something cold and shapeless. Simples or maybe paranoia. I was 48 00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:20.680 sharp enough to know the difference. Most of the time, 49 00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:23.439 washed up by bathroom light, Jake Saigne a few off 50 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:25.759 keep ours once my favorite signal that all was normal. 51 00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:28.199 I set my glass and the sink, forced a gentle 52 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:30.319 laugh and told myself I would not be that wife. 53 00:02:30.840 --> 00:02:34.960 Not jealous, not suspicious, not panicking over the quarks of 54 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:38.520 an ambitious man, just rediscovering hobbies. We had always trusted 55 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:41.039 each other. I had always believed that was the one 56 00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:43.680 thing we could count on. I tried to focus on 57 00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:45.800 the city's glow, blocking out the sound of the shower, 58 00:02:45.879 --> 00:02:48.240 but I couldn't help noticing he never cared about cycling 59 00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:51.199 until a month ago, at thirty four. Jake had developed 60 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:54.240 passions before kaking home espresso the two months he spent 61 00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:57.719 learning conversational French, but none of those hobbies had ever 62 00:02:57.719 --> 00:03:00.759 subtracted from us. I press upon onto the cool glass 63 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:04.080 and washed the traffic fade. When he emerged, hair damp, 64 00:03:04.120 --> 00:03:06.840 I pretended to be absorbed in my emails. He walked 65 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:09.199 barefoot into the bedroom, humming, and I heard the closet 66 00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:12.360 door slide open, then shut. When I finally looked up again, 67 00:03:12.439 --> 00:03:14.039 he was sitting at the edge of the bed, scrolling 68 00:03:14.039 --> 00:03:16.400 his phone, his back to me. That night, as I 69 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:18.879 brushed my teeth in silence beside him, I wondered why 70 00:03:18.919 --> 00:03:20.960 changed The thing I'd work so hard to pursue sometimes 71 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:24.199 felt so lonely when you finally caught it. A relationship 72 00:03:24.240 --> 00:03:27.039 I always told friends was proof that some people really 73 00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:29.520 do find a person. Jake and I met when I 74 00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:31.560 was fresh out of grad school. He two years into 75 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:34.120 his tenure at an up and coming architecture from He 76 00:03:34.159 --> 00:03:36.599 walked into the agency where I was interviewing and made 77 00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:39.479 some dry jerk about my blazer, something only slightly inappropriate. 78 00:03:40.120 --> 00:03:42.520 It made me soar it laughing. I liked that he'd 79 00:03:42.560 --> 00:03:45.439 caught me off guard. We started with coffee after work, 80 00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:49.319 stolen lunches, side by side, hours at communal desks. Jake 81 00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:52.039 was never mellow exactly, but thoughtful in the ways that mattered. 82 00:03:52.520 --> 00:03:54.120 He made my coffee the night before so I could 83 00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:57.360 sleep longer. He learned to make my roasted vegetable lasagna 84 00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:00.800 when his mom was sick, A handle the logistics, insurance calls, 85 00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:03.759 appointments so he could just be present. We'd been a team, 86 00:04:03.879 --> 00:04:08.039 equal in our ambition and our exhaustion. We'd survived jobbed turbulence, endlessly, 87 00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:10.280 attle rain, the pointless fight over moving to the city's 88 00:04:10.360 --> 00:04:12.919 edge or into its pulsing center. He'd rolled his eyes 89 00:04:12.919 --> 00:04:15.039 at Mike's ole budgeting, but let me plan our vacations 90 00:04:15.080 --> 00:04:18.199 down to the hour. We negotiated every word, every plan, 91 00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:21.720 every bit of trust. Lena, my best friend, was skeptical 92 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:23.720 about Jake, thought he was too smooth for someone with 93 00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:26.600 my tendency to overthink. But he won her over by 94 00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:29.000 showing up. He ferried her home after a bad break up, 95 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:31.040 stayed up with us, laughing over box wine and OLG 96 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:34.040 two videos for years. He never missed any of our 97 00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:37.480 last highlights or lolate. Moving into the new loft had felt, 98 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:40.360 if I'm honest, like a closing bracket. We'd saved for it, 99 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:42.600 defer trips and dinners out lived for two years in 100 00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:45.000 a place that smelt like mole. When it rained. On 101 00:04:45.079 --> 00:04:47.519 closing day, we handed the reel to a bottle of whiskey, 102 00:04:47.560 --> 00:04:50.120 and she cried harder than we did. Our new home 103 00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:52.879 was two floors above Jake's favorite coffee roaster, framed and 104 00:04:52.920 --> 00:04:54.959 steel and glass. The very vision of the life we'd 105 00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:57.480 build together together a thought right up until the words 106 00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:00.399 started feeling out of place. Looking back of the past 107 00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:02.680 few months, it seemed like all of our careful planning, 108 00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:05.480 the budgeting, the Friday day nights, the mutually scheduled DWN 109 00:05:05.560 --> 00:05:08.720 time had slowly been replaced by something ad hoc. Jake 110 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:10.920 signed up with the cycling club on a whim, flashed 111 00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:13.000 me a half guilty grin, and shoved off my question 112 00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:16.279 about when exactly he become obsessed with three hundred dollars bibshots. 113 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:19.360 But some small, self respecting part of me cheered him on. 114 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:22.480 We'd spend to your house hunting, then renovating, maybe new 115 00:05:22.480 --> 00:05:26.079 hobbies were necessary. At first, I thought the distraction was healthy. 116 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:28.759 He cracked more jokes, sent me means from club group 117 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.360 chats about a helmet hare, But these with which he 118 00:05:31.399 --> 00:05:34.600 shifted his attention also meant our shared routines began sliding away. 119 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:37.439 Vun would a quiet mornings We'd spent reading in bed. 120 00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:40.560 He cooked less to faulted to take out. There were 121 00:05:40.639 --> 00:05:43.439 light touches, moments of care, but always rush, always followed 122 00:05:43.439 --> 00:05:45.920 by texting someone, or a last minute changed his plans. 123 00:05:46.439 --> 00:05:49.680 A conto optimism. Maybe I'd forgotten how to be content, 124 00:05:49.959 --> 00:05:52.920 or maybe it was simply post moved fatigue. Nobody is 125 00:05:52.920 --> 00:05:55.519 at their best after an upheaval, I told myself, crossing 126 00:05:55.560 --> 00:05:58.560 off items on our never ending checklist, laundry of groceries, 127 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:02.000 return Lenasander for nearly every nighting worry, I found a 128 00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:06.439 justifiable explanation. The thing is, I'm not naturally jealous. I 129 00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:11.000 don't snoop, I'm not quick to suspect. I avoid annecessary confrontation, 130 00:06:11.079 --> 00:06:14.319 sometimes to my own detriment. But I couldn't help cataloging 131 00:06:14.360 --> 00:06:17.519 the changes. Jake's knew inside jokes. I wasn't part of 132 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:20.600 the way he started leaving the windows open, claiming he'll 133 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:23.360 liked the city, ere the distance in his eyes whenever 134 00:06:23.399 --> 00:06:25.920 my hand found his thigh as we fell asleep. We 135 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.199 were both busy, both tired, but he had always found 136 00:06:29.240 --> 00:06:32.439 ways to be present. Honestly, that's what was hardest to ignore. 137 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:34.560 There had once been comfort, even in our routines, in 138 00:06:34.600 --> 00:06:36.519 the wheat day exhaustion, and the way Jake could make 139 00:06:36.519 --> 00:06:39.959 me laugh over the smallest, dumbest things. Now, with every 140 00:06:39.959 --> 00:06:42.199 small absence or clipped answer, I heard the echo of 141 00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:45.079 a question I'd never wanted to ask. Satur Day was 142 00:06:45.079 --> 00:06:47.319 supposed to be a catch up day I had in 143 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:49.519 saw near the night before, so I spent the morning 144 00:06:49.560 --> 00:06:52.480 running errand scrolling restpee blogs and fighting the urge to 145 00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:55.319 cross examine my own nerves. Jake had said he was 146 00:06:55.360 --> 00:06:57.519 heading out early for a cycling club planning meeting, not 147 00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:00.279 awrye babe, just sorting out rough details, and would be 148 00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:03.839 back mid day. Max I decided I'd surprise him with brunch, 149 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:08.319 his favorite rosemary potatoes, blueberry, scones, bottomless coffee. The clocks 150 00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:11.120 slid past noon, then one, then too. The coffee in 151 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:14.199 the press went bitter with the weight his texts were perfunctory, 152 00:07:14.360 --> 00:07:17.439 running late. Sorry. I cleared everything and sat on the window, 153 00:07:17.480 --> 00:07:20.759 ledge phone in hand, refreshing my fee. Determined not to pace. 154 00:07:21.399 --> 00:07:23.839 He arrived home at nearly four, crooning like he'd spent 155 00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:27.439 a day playing hockey. How was the meeting, I asked. 156 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:31.480 I tried for casual, but my voice slipped. Comically boring, 157 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:34.360 he said, towing off his shoes. Anna brought home made 158 00:07:34.360 --> 00:07:37.199 protein bowls somehow ended up everywhere but people's mouts. He'd 159 00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:39.560 have loved it. He tossed his jacket on the counter 160 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:42.439 and started unloading his backpack, focusing more on the cycling 161 00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:45.639 gloves than on me. It must have gone long, just 162 00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:47.839 logistics server load. Turns out you need a lot of 163 00:07:47.879 --> 00:07:51.319 permission slips to organize people with bad knees. He winked, 164 00:07:51.319 --> 00:07:54.040 but there was a brittleness unto the humor. I moved 165 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:56.399 past him to grab his jacket and hang. It descended 166 00:07:56.439 --> 00:07:59.759 and fell stop me, fresh, bright layer with an undertone 167 00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:02.240 of some floral not what Jake wore, not what I wore. 168 00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:05.519 I almost dropped the jacket, but forced my hand to steady. 169 00:08:06.160 --> 00:08:09.360 He didn't notice. A minute later he brushed past me 170 00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:11.399 and pressed a peck to my temple, already half way 171 00:08:11.399 --> 00:08:15.079 into the bathroom. He sounded tired but content. I watched 172 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:17.600 his back as he escaped. Conversation an old trick, familiar 173 00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.920 but suddenly unfamiliar in motive. That night, he washed up 174 00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:23.079 and slid into bed next to me, kissed my shoulder 175 00:08:23.199 --> 00:08:26.720 and turned away almost immediately. No warmth, just cold skin 176 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:29.720 and a shallow's eye. I lay awake, shivering under a 177 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:32.919 two light duvet. I memorized the way his breathing even out, 178 00:08:32.960 --> 00:08:35.039 the way his feasts slid ever farther to his side 179 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:37.679 of the bed. I told myself not to make things up, 180 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:40.720 not to interpret distance as anything more than fatigue. But 181 00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:42.840 when I finally slept, I dreamed of him sharing a 182 00:08:42.879 --> 00:08:45.240 room with some one, blowed up by fog, holding hands 183 00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:47.480 under a cycling helmet, laughter bubbling from a face I 184 00:08:47.480 --> 00:08:50.720 couldn't see. In the morning, the dream lingered like a bruise. 185 00:08:51.360 --> 00:08:53.799 I made coffee, watched him pack his chin bag, and 186 00:08:53.879 --> 00:08:56.159 tried to joke about his double life as Lance Armstrong. 187 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.200 He grinned at that, distracted, but I saw the rumpuled 188 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.679 shirt and knee way. He scrolled his messages as if 189 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:04.120 half of his mind had stayed outside the room. Want 190 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.840 to go out Saturday, annaiversary is coming up, I offer, 191 00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:09.480 tracing a pattern on the counter with my finger. He 192 00:09:09.559 --> 00:09:12.960 glanced up, phone half raised. Can we push? There's another 193 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:15.639 training ride they want me at. Anne is relentless, wants 194 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:18.360 us to start at sunrise, rain or shine. He shrugged, 195 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:21.519 but didn't quite meet my eyes. Anne again, I said, 196 00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:25.240 meaning to sound playful, but the words fell flat. Jack frowned, 197 00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:28.080 as if the reference irritated him. Yeah, she's right, she 198 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:31.559 over plans everything. You get along, grate. He keeps saying that, 199 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:34.080 as if I'll never meet her, you will. I'm sure 200 00:09:34.159 --> 00:09:36.960 the club's organizing the dinner scene. He should come. Actually, 201 00:09:36.960 --> 00:09:40.759 it may be, he paused, putting his phone down. Babe, 202 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:43.120 nothing weird is going on. I just like having circling 203 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:45.120 be my thing. Feels good to have something to look 204 00:09:45.120 --> 00:09:48.200 forward to outside work and bills. I nodded, trying to 205 00:09:48.200 --> 00:09:50.759 swallow the lump forming in my throat. Why was I 206 00:09:50.840 --> 00:09:54.120 being so fragile? But normal life changes? Jack had weathered 207 00:09:54.120 --> 00:09:56.399 plenty of shifts in my own priorities. Late nights during 208 00:09:56.399 --> 00:09:59.159 campaign launches my once a week Girl's Only Why nights, 209 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.480 I wanted to believe this was the same, but throughout 210 00:10:02.480 --> 00:10:04.759 that week they aired an aloft tiped with static. Every 211 00:10:04.759 --> 00:10:08.799 minor interaction charged with something unnamed. On Monday, we met 212 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:11.600 up with our friends Sarah and Daniel for dinner standing richel, 213 00:10:11.720 --> 00:10:15.039 one of the few routines we still upheld Sarah tipsy 214 00:10:15.039 --> 00:10:18.639 on two glasses of pino. Nudge Jake, so when are 215 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:20.759 we going to see this cycling gown in action? Daniel 216 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:22.600 swears he saw you in a wild haired woman at 217 00:10:22.679 --> 00:10:25.480 volunteer park on Sunday. He says he looked unusually athletic. 218 00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:28.759 Jack shot me a glance, then barked a laugh. I 219 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:31.919 undevastatingly athletic. Thank you. And Anna's the wild haired one. 220 00:10:31.960 --> 00:10:34.360 I swear she's always getting us into trouble, nothing but 221 00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:37.720 stories of saddle rash and flat tires. Daniel chimed in. 222 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:41.000 Everyone's curious. You never used to bike except to the brewery, next, 223 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:44.279 thaying you're in spandek sit dawn. Jake rolled his eyes 224 00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:47.840 mid left. Crisis came early. What can I say? He 225 00:10:47.960 --> 00:10:51.399 changed the subject deafly, stirring the conversation to cowork a gossip. 226 00:10:51.879 --> 00:10:53.840 For the rest of the meal, he held my hand 227 00:10:53.960 --> 00:10:56.320 looked only at me during the punchlines, but I felt 228 00:10:56.360 --> 00:10:59.080 none of the inside jokes were ours. In the eber home, 229 00:10:59.159 --> 00:11:01.480 I nestled against him and asked, was another chew a 230 00:11:01.559 --> 00:11:05.559 volunteer park He squeezed my fingers. It's always Anna. She's 231 00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:08.480 like the club's mascot. The next morning, I found a 232 00:11:08.519 --> 00:11:11.559 nfamiliar Colone nestle beside his deodorant in his gin back. 233 00:11:12.240 --> 00:11:14.600 It was more expensive than anything Jake had ever worn. 234 00:11:15.159 --> 00:11:16.759 When I held it to my nose, it made my 235 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:19.840 throat clench, A man's cologne before all complex, nothing like 236 00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:23.919 his usual minimal ascents. When I asked, he shrugged bit 237 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:26.639 a free sample from one of the guy's rod SHARE's words, stuffed. 238 00:11:26.679 --> 00:11:28.600 I just use it so I'm not the sweatiest one 239 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:33.840 hanging out afterwards. Looks pricey, Jack laughed, trust me, not 240 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:36.960 worth the hype. Maybe you want it. I put it back, 241 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:39.519 pressing it into the corner of the bag, and resolved 242 00:11:39.519 --> 00:11:42.240 not to task around about Anna again. Every time I 243 00:11:42.320 --> 00:11:44.559 mentioned her, he grew a little sharper, a little more 244 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:46.679 put upon, as if I was the one boxing him 245 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:49.399 in a cold Lena on a rainy Thursday told her 246 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:52.159 too much before I realized I was even worried. Is 247 00:11:52.200 --> 00:11:55.279 it possible I'm overthinking, I asked, chewing the inside of 248 00:11:55.320 --> 00:11:58.559 my cheek. The Dick's been weird with cycling, has new friends. 249 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:02.159 He's happer but less a very billable. Lena's voice was gentle. 250 00:12:02.799 --> 00:12:05.559 You know you has Jake ever lied tea before? Never? 251 00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:09.440 I said that was true, at least nothing that mattered. 252 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:12.320 Then maybe he's just blowing off steam, she said, But 253 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:14.519 I could hear caution in the way she shaped her words. 254 00:12:15.240 --> 00:12:17.679 You'll know what's real. Just don't let your imagination eat 255 00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:20.679 you alive. Okay. On Friday, I tried to join Jake 256 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:22.919 on his weakened ride, using my old hybrid bike as 257 00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:25.559 an excuse. I just want to see you in action, 258 00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:29.039 I teased. He looked caught off god and flustered, saying, 259 00:12:29.240 --> 00:12:31.440 actually it's more of a guy thing. Tomorrow group's full, 260 00:12:31.519 --> 00:12:34.000 but we're doing a coat ed ride soon. He reached 261 00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:36.360 to squeeze my shoulder, his hand awkward, like he was 262 00:12:36.360 --> 00:12:39.799 remembering a piece of choreography he rarely rehearsed. I let 263 00:12:39.879 --> 00:12:42.679 it go, except I didn't because that night Jack waved 264 00:12:42.679 --> 00:12:44.799 off my suggestion of date night with a flat, I'm wiped. 265 00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:47.159 He collapsed on the couch with the beer and barely 266 00:12:47.159 --> 00:12:49.000 looked at me as I owed a tie takeout for one, 267 00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:53.120 pretending I wasn't disappointed. I had always trusted him, But 268 00:12:53.200 --> 00:12:55.559 trust when it becomes a habit rather than a conscious choice, 269 00:12:55.559 --> 00:12:58.399 blunts the edge of self respect. That was something Lee 270 00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:00.399 nor warmed me, but after her own divorce, in a 271 00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:03.519 voice she uses only when protecting me from myself. Three 272 00:13:03.559 --> 00:13:05.799 days later, reconciling the bank account to make sure we 273 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:08.519 could still afford new window treatments, I noticed two charges 274 00:13:08.519 --> 00:13:11.200 that didn't fit any narrative Jake had given me. One 275 00:13:11.279 --> 00:13:13.159 was a beautique cave half way between our place and 276 00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:16.320 Lake Union, timestamp mid afternoon on a weekday. The other 277 00:13:16.440 --> 00:13:18.559 was a bell for a bertique hotel near Cycling Trail 278 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:21.519 bill during a Sunday i'd spent shopping alone. When I 279 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:24.879 asked about them, Jake rianned, breezily, Oh that's just club lunch. 280 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.279 Anna picks the weirdest places. Sat the hotel bar had 281 00:13:27.279 --> 00:13:29.600 great fries. I covered her tab and she vemmoed me later, 282 00:13:29.720 --> 00:13:32.240 if you want, I'll dig up the message. He was 283 00:13:32.360 --> 00:13:36.120 light unconcerned, as though the transaction itself proved innocence. I 284 00:13:36.120 --> 00:13:39.639 shrugged off the urge to persist. The explanation was plausible, 285 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:43.720 if not entirely satisfying. The days later, Thursday evening, Jake 286 00:13:43.799 --> 00:13:45.600 signed on to the living room computer for a group's 287 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:47.960 cycling club conference. He'd forgotten to meet the screen when 288 00:13:47.960 --> 00:13:50.080 he got up to take a call. I hovered in 289 00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:52.240 the whole to gram a fun charger, half listening. His 290 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:56.000 laughter carried over the order. Anna's voice clear and teasing. 291 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:58.039 From her turn, I could tell she was the undisputed 292 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:01.639 ringmaster of the clouded humor. She joked about their little secret, 293 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:04.080 her laughter a little too delighted. Jake's own laughed, briefly 294 00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:07.759 visible in the window's reflection. I stepped away before anyone noticed, 295 00:14:07.759 --> 00:14:09.960 but the words dwelled in my mind, their little secret. 296 00:14:10.519 --> 00:14:13.720 There was no contacts, no follow up. Still, I saw 297 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:15.759 a shade of redwood. Before there'd only been white light. 298 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:19.039 Soon after, Jake came into the kitchen and noticed my 299 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:22.559 tenseness rough day. He asked, running a hand between my 300 00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.320 shoulder blades. Just tired, I replied, fighting to keep my tone. 301 00:14:26.360 --> 00:14:29.279 Even this touch felt both alien and intimate, like the 302 00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:33.080 ghost of something we'd once trusted. That night we finally fought. 303 00:14:33.639 --> 00:14:36.759 It wasn't volcanic, but it burned. I was cleaning up 304 00:14:36.799 --> 00:14:40.679 after dinner, stacking dishes louder than necessary. Jake covered by 305 00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:42.759 the door, picking at a looster head on his jacket. 306 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:46.080 Do you need me for something, he asked. I set 307 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:49.519 down the plates too hard. You're never really here, not lately. 308 00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:52.120 You're always suckling, always with Anna, with the guas. Then 309 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:55.679 you come home and close yourself off. Jake stepped back, defensive. 310 00:14:56.279 --> 00:14:58.000 I'm just trying to have a life. You know how 311 00:14:58.039 --> 00:14:59.639 work has been. This is the one part that doesn't 312 00:14:59.639 --> 00:15:02.639 feel like pressure. Why do I never meet your new friends, 313 00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:06.679 I asked, my voice trembling. They're just people, Erica. You'd 314 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:08.720 hate half of them there obsessed with bikes. Why are 315 00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:11.000 we arguing over my schedule? Why does this always come 316 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:14.960 back to thinking and hiding something. My cheeks flirt because 317 00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:17.480 you are hiding something, maybe not cheating, but you won't 318 00:15:17.559 --> 00:15:20.120 let me in. Jake scoffed through the kitchen towel on 319 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:22.679 the counter and stormed into his office, closing the door hard. 320 00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:25.919 I washed the plates in silence, breezing myself against the 321 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:29.080 shrinkage of our shared spaces. The next day, I found 322 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:31.639 our anniversary, the thing we both sworn was inviolable. Double 323 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:33.840 boat blocked by a club training day, Jake said he 324 00:15:33.879 --> 00:15:35.759 couldn't get out of if it's the only slot before 325 00:15:35.799 --> 00:15:39.200 the summer event, he said, spoke of it like an obligation, 326 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:43.200 barely hiding his impatience he tested throughout our compromised dinner 327 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:45.919 of the night before. The screen lighting is faceablue. He 328 00:15:45.960 --> 00:15:48.399 made a joke about Anna's latest hair burned rout, never 329 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.360 asking if I had any plans the club, not our 330 00:15:51.399 --> 00:15:55.120 marriage was his reference point. The well trank to small betrayals. 331 00:15:55.799 --> 00:15:57.879 When I tried to joke about meeting the mysterious Anna, 332 00:15:58.000 --> 00:15:59.919 Jake just waved it away, dismissing her with the s 333 00:16:00.039 --> 00:16:02.759 same three words, She's a Ria. In a fit of 334 00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:05.159 late night anxiety, I did the thing I'd promised myself 335 00:16:05.159 --> 00:16:07.759 i'd never do. I scrolled his social media digital waste, 336 00:16:07.799 --> 00:16:10.399 und mostly devoted to architecture, but the club had recently 337 00:16:10.440 --> 00:16:13.360 tied him. In a series of ride photos. I found 338 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:15.720 one the group huddled, mud streaked after a ride, arms 339 00:16:15.720 --> 00:16:19.200 thrown around each other. Anna stood practically pressed to Jake's side, 340 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:22.360 holding on to his bicep. Both were dusty and smiling 341 00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:25.879 as I guarded as siblings or conspirators. No caption mentioned 342 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:29.279 me Jake had left my name off entirely. I felt 343 00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:32.120 something in me fracture, small and quiet but permanent, a tiny, 344 00:16:32.200 --> 00:16:35.480 invisiblely quadening in the hull. I stared at that photopher 345 00:16:35.519 --> 00:16:37.799 now reminded of how easily you can make yourself vanish 346 00:16:37.840 --> 00:16:41.080 from someone else's narrative with one click. Rationally, there were 347 00:16:41.080 --> 00:16:44.720 innocuous explanations for everything, but I watched patterns emerge. How 348 00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:48.039 every chance mention, ivana, every U returned glance, every inside 349 00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:50.279 joke made me feel less like a participant and more 350 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:52.960 like a ghost in Jake's days. At this point, I 351 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:56.759 vacillated between over reaction and complete self denial. One minute, 352 00:16:56.799 --> 00:16:58.919 I'd be convinced Jack was hiding nothing more than amid 353 00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:01.519 life crisis. How many to some things don't reinvent themselves 354 00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:05.519 around sports, hobbies, trancend friendships. The next I tumble down 355 00:17:05.559 --> 00:17:07.880 the rabbit hole, mapping receipts and timelines in the notes 356 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:10.240 app on my phone, trying and failing to assemble a 357 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:13.359 story that accounted for everything. My impulse still was to 358 00:17:13.400 --> 00:17:17.319 ask to talk it out over dinner. One chilly Sunday, 359 00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:20.319 I told myself I was done with insinuation. Jake had 360 00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:22.920 come home late. The mid day ride stretched again. I 361 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:25.559 weayed it until he sat down, loosened his shoelaces, and 362 00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:28.039 pushed his phone into his jacket. Can I ask you 363 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:31.680 something without you blowing up? I began my heart beat 364 00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:34.839 too fast. Jake blinked, then held out his hands, palms 365 00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:38.000 up like a man's obmitting to a search. Babe, what's 366 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:40.599 going on? It's about Anna and the club. I keep 367 00:17:40.640 --> 00:17:42.640 getting this weird feeling and I don't know what's real. 368 00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:45.200 You're gonna lot. You keep things vague. I feel shut out, 369 00:17:45.240 --> 00:17:47.559 and whenever I try to join you shut that down too. 370 00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:49.759 Am I missing something? Thorry you? As if something you 371 00:17:49.799 --> 00:17:52.880 are not telling me? Jake's sumped back, his energy draining 372 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:57.000 all at once. Seriously, Erka, No, Anna is just another person. 373 00:17:57.079 --> 00:17:58.680 She's going through a break up. She's lean on me 374 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:00.519 a bit because I'm I don't know the only guy 375 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:02.279 who doesn't hit on her or something. It isn't a 376 00:18:02.279 --> 00:18:04.279 big deal. I didn't want to make you nervous because 377 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:07.359 it's not worth worrying about. His frustration was genuine, but 378 00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:09.240 so was the ring of truth, which made my own 379 00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:12.880 doubts feel shameful. He reached for my hand, Look if 380 00:18:12.920 --> 00:18:14.839 you want to. He unlocked his phone, slid it across 381 00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:18.039 the table. Read the text. It's all boring club stuff 382 00:18:18.039 --> 00:18:21.440 and bad puns. I scrolled half out of duty. The 383 00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:24.880 messages were what he promised, ride logistics, snack jokes, one 384 00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:28.319 or two exchange memes, all in the open, nothing incriminating, 385 00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:31.799 nothing outside the lines of friendship or group banter. Anna's 386 00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:34.160 name peppered the chat, but always in a committee context, 387 00:18:34.279 --> 00:18:37.319 never a one on one intimacy, embarrass him. Relieved, I 388 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:40.440 wanted to believe again. Jake squeezed my knee under the table. 389 00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:43.079 You can have any password y want than not hiding 390 00:18:43.079 --> 00:18:46.079 anything except how bad my cycling time is. That night 391 00:18:46.240 --> 00:18:50.400 was sure dinner laughter the tension evaporator. I've felt something 392 00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:53.400 coil in my chest. Maybe he was right. Maybe Anna 393 00:18:53.480 --> 00:18:55.720 was just someone in crisis and Jake was decent enough 394 00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:59.119 to help. Maybe I'd made myself chronically anxious for no reason. 395 00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:02.200 For any evening, I let myself soften, let Jake hold 396 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:05.000 me in bed until I fell asleep, But comfort, as 397 00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:08.160 I learned, is porous. While putting away Jake's laundry two 398 00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:10.680 nights later, I found a crumpled receipt and shoulder pocket 399 00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:13.279 of his dress shirt. It was from the gilded Glass 400 00:19:13.319 --> 00:19:15.599 the Luxury wine barred downtown and dated the same night 401 00:19:15.680 --> 00:19:17.559