WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.399 --> 00:00:06.960 Welcome to the Parenting Roundabout podcast. I'm Terry Morrow. 2 00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:07.960 And I'm Catherine Hileco. 3 00:00:08.279 --> 00:00:11.759 Every Thursday, we're bringing you a library find, a pick 4 00:00:11.800 --> 00:00:14.919 from our archives, and a parenting or pop culture tidbit 5 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:19.920 or two. Let's start with Catherine's library find of the week. 6 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:23.519 So one of the nice things about working at the 7 00:00:23.559 --> 00:00:26.920 library is, you know, I come across books all the 8 00:00:26.960 --> 00:00:30.160 time where I'm like, oh, I like this author, I 9 00:00:30.199 --> 00:00:33.960 should read this book. Or if I need something to read, 10 00:00:34.280 --> 00:00:37.280 you know, I can just go and look for what 11 00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:41.000 else that person may have written. So I came across 12 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:44.799 a book called every Tom, Dick and Harry by Eleanor Lippman, 13 00:00:45.840 --> 00:00:48.439 and I was like, oh, yeah, I like Eleanor Littman. 14 00:00:48.600 --> 00:00:51.840 I should I'm going to read this. So I checked 15 00:00:51.880 --> 00:00:55.880 it out and I read it and it was charming 16 00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:59.399 and very fun. It was it was basically like a 17 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:05.159 romance light. I mean, there was there was a story 18 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:11.159 beyond just meet cute. There were other things going on, 19 00:01:12.239 --> 00:01:15.760 but it was it was a fun little adventure and 20 00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:19.920 I enjoyed it. And so then I went to her 21 00:01:20.120 --> 00:01:26.400 website and didn't recognize a single one of the other 22 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:31.400 books that were listed there. It's like no, no, I mean, 23 00:01:31.480 --> 00:01:35.319 because I'm not great at remembering what I've read, but 24 00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:41.359 given a title and a plot summary, I usually can 25 00:01:41.719 --> 00:01:47.840 be like, oh yeah, I recognize this. No, nothing, absolutely none. 26 00:01:48.079 --> 00:01:52.920 So I don't know what happened there. I mean, I 27 00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:55.719 did I read something and I just slipped all the 28 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:57.840 way out of my mind. I mean I really had 29 00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:00.680 it in my head that I liked this author. So 30 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:07.799 how does unless you've read something by that birds. 31 00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:11.919 One would thing. It's just the name seems familiar to 32 00:02:11.960 --> 00:02:12.280 me too. 33 00:02:13.759 --> 00:02:17.479 If you go the dogs guys and see if you 34 00:02:17.520 --> 00:02:25.680 don't whinny, Yeah, do. 35 00:02:25.639 --> 00:02:29.319 You have a book you want to talk about? Whinnie Winnie? 36 00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:34.080 Do you have a random recommendation? She recommends that all 37 00:02:34.120 --> 00:02:36.360 motorcycles and trucks people just like. 38 00:02:36.520 --> 00:02:44.000 People outside the way maybe people people love talking inside 39 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:44.319 the house. 40 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:45.639 She would like us to wrap it. 41 00:02:45.639 --> 00:02:51.520 Up everything anyway, So if you go to the website, 42 00:02:51.560 --> 00:02:52.719 do you recognize anything? 43 00:02:54.520 --> 00:02:56.560 The name seems familiar to me, but I just search it. 44 00:02:56.560 --> 00:03:00.919 I don't see it in our archives anywhere. And the 45 00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:07.719 title news demeanor is both clever and infurious. But she's 46 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:09.520 very very clever. 47 00:03:09.879 --> 00:03:12.000 Yeah, yeah, so wow. 48 00:03:12.080 --> 00:03:13.400 She has written a lot of books. 49 00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:17.400 Yeah, and you'd think, man have I think I had 50 00:03:17.479 --> 00:03:18.639 heard of some of them, but. 51 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:22.879 Read Oh then she found me that was a movie. 52 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:24.759 They made that into a movie, But. 53 00:03:24.759 --> 00:03:32.199 I don't remember watching that movie either, So I don't know. 54 00:03:32.360 --> 00:03:35.000 She's doing quite well for herself without you, ket. 55 00:03:34.919 --> 00:03:37.879 I know, yeah, she doesn't need me to be recommending stuff. 56 00:03:38.360 --> 00:03:45.879 But anyway, I still enjoyed this book, even though I 57 00:03:45.960 --> 00:03:50.759 apparently have no previous contact with this author. 58 00:03:52.199 --> 00:03:54.159 It's the story of a. 59 00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:56.759 Maybe you went to school with her. Do you remember 60 00:03:56.759 --> 00:03:58.560 her like a name from college herself? No? 61 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:04.319 I only I recognize her as an author. But it's 62 00:04:04.360 --> 00:04:08.560 the story of this youngish woman who's kind of drifting 63 00:04:08.599 --> 00:04:13.199 around and then her parents have an estate sale business 64 00:04:14.039 --> 00:04:16.360 and they decide that they're going to retire and they 65 00:04:16.439 --> 00:04:20.959 want her to take it over. And also they have 66 00:04:21.079 --> 00:04:28.360 this friend who's a retired teacher who his wife died, 67 00:04:28.560 --> 00:04:34.399 and his wife's daughters from a previous relationship have inherited 68 00:04:34.439 --> 00:04:36.360 the house where he lived, so he has nowhere to say, 69 00:04:36.759 --> 00:04:39.480 so he's going to rent a room in the house 70 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:43.800 with this woman and they turn out. 71 00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:45.839 So this isn't written by Linda Holmes. It sounds like 72 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:48.040 a Linda Holmes WoT it was. 73 00:04:48.600 --> 00:04:51.759 It did remind me of that. And so they turn 74 00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:54.439 out to actually be like, you know, he's very like 75 00:04:54.600 --> 00:05:00.120 fatherly towards her and she's daughterly toward him, like encouraging 76 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:04.560 him to go out on dates. And uh so it's 77 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:08.480 it's sweet, it's it's a nice Yeah, it's a nice story. 78 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:13.160 And you know there they land an estate sale that's 79 00:05:13.720 --> 00:05:18.639 uncovers a lot stuff that went on in this little town. 80 00:05:18.920 --> 00:05:23.000 So so yeah, it's it's a fun read every time 81 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:26.279 Dick and Harry by an author I apparently have never 82 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:28.519 read before. Eleanor Littman. 83 00:05:29.959 --> 00:05:31.519 I don't know. She's written a lot of books. Maybe 84 00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:32.800 there's one that didn't make the listen. 85 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:35.160 Maybe maybe that's what happened. 86 00:05:36.040 --> 00:05:39.199 She sounds like maybe there was a you know, Ellen 87 00:05:39.279 --> 00:05:43.240 Tipman that you read a book right, could be no 88 00:05:43.439 --> 00:05:50.639 more up woman. That's uh yeah, that that happens sometimes 89 00:05:50.680 --> 00:05:52.920 when you see an author's name. I've had that happen 90 00:05:52.920 --> 00:05:54.439 and you feel like I know that author, but I 91 00:05:54.439 --> 00:05:57.120 don't know how, and then you can't figure it out. 92 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.000 But maybe you read a review or something. 93 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:02.199 Yeah, and. 94 00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:05.319 So the list of things. 95 00:06:05.160 --> 00:06:08.120 You need tell us what you have found. 96 00:06:08.800 --> 00:06:14.000 Well. My name is Terry, and I am a planner addict, 97 00:06:14.519 --> 00:06:18.480 and I always feel that the one thing that will 98 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:23.439 get me to get all my life and work together 99 00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.000 is the right planning tool. 100 00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:27.360 Right. 101 00:06:28.199 --> 00:06:32.480 I have gone through a large number of them, and 102 00:06:32.600 --> 00:06:35.360 spoken on with great enthusiasm of some of them. 103 00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:37.600 Right here, I'm here on this very podcast. 104 00:06:37.959 --> 00:06:43.040 I still I'm still searching. I'm still out there. It's 105 00:06:43.079 --> 00:06:48.680 out the thing that can make me organized and productive 106 00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:51.759 and get my work done in my workday and then 107 00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:54.120 have the evening to myself that exists. 108 00:06:54.240 --> 00:06:54.480 Right. 109 00:06:55.160 --> 00:06:58.480 It's not just that my personality doesn't work with that 110 00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:01.959 and that I will always be screwing up. No, No, 111 00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:06.199 it's finding the right tool, the right system, the right 112 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:08.600 that cute little thing to put on my desk look 113 00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:11.560 like cute, that's what's going to do it, the right 114 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:17.759 thing on my computer. It's just so, I it's ridiculous, 115 00:07:17.800 --> 00:07:20.079 and I know it's ridiculous, and I know that it's 116 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:22.519 never gonna I'm never going to be an organized person. 117 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:26.920 I just am not. But I still will pardon me, 118 00:07:26.959 --> 00:07:29.680 still believes so. I have been using artful agenda for 119 00:07:29.759 --> 00:07:32.079 quite a while, and it's good. I still have a 120 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:34.920 subscription to Trello. I use that for some organizations and 121 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:39.240 it's good. Recently I made the mistake of like clicking 122 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:42.360 on an organizational tool on Facebook, and so now every 123 00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:45.959 day I have like sixty oral tools on Facebook yelling 124 00:07:45.959 --> 00:07:49.120 at me over here, dairy, look over here, this is 125 00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:52.600 the one quick hair, and then I do click there, 126 00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:54.399 and then there's the next day there's one hundred. Right. 127 00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:59.639 So yeah, I have been inundated lately with planners who 128 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:03.199 are certain that they can get me in hand. They 129 00:08:03.279 --> 00:08:05.279 just know it. All I have to do is pay 130 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:08.040 for this thing, and some of them are not cheap. 131 00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:09.720 I looked at this one. There's this one thing. Do 132 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:13.040 you ever see this? Ugmunk is the name of the company, 133 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:16.680 And it's just it's a wood box and a pile 134 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:19.480 of index cards and you take one of the index 135 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:21.839 cards and you put it up so you can see 136 00:08:21.879 --> 00:08:24.399 it during the day. It's like standing up and it 137 00:08:24.439 --> 00:08:27.480 has like things you're you're doing, things you're gonna do, 138 00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:29.800 things you've done, and you can color in the little 139 00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:33.000 circle next to it. One hundred dollars for that for 140 00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:36.399 the box, and like a six month supply of cards. Wow, 141 00:08:36.919 --> 00:08:39.399 So I'm just I keep looking at these things, and 142 00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:42.279 I keep wanting them, and I keep thinking, from the 143 00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:46.879 deepest part of my being, that's it, that's what will 144 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:51.159 make me an organized individual. But I've been resisting. I've 145 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:53.960 been resisting. I've been keep using my artful agenda, keep 146 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:56.519 using my trillo. But the other day I was in 147 00:08:56.559 --> 00:08:59.440 Barnes and Noble, as I am every weekend, and I 148 00:08:59.480 --> 00:09:02.720 went looking at the date books and I found one 149 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:09.000 with Snoopy on the car. Come on, it's Snoopy, It's Snoopy, 150 00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:13.159 Snoopy and Woodstock taking a nap on top of his doghouse, 151 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:15.679 which is kind of where I am most of the time. 152 00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:19.879 So I bought me that planner, and it's very cute, 153 00:09:19.879 --> 00:09:22.240 and I have rearranged my desk so I can have 154 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:25.360 it here open next to me, with the thought that 155 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:28.399 I could if I don't feel like going into one 156 00:09:28.480 --> 00:09:31.480 or two other computer things and typing something, I could 157 00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:33.480 just scrawl it down with my pant on this piece 158 00:09:33.480 --> 00:09:36.679 of paper. That could happen. I could put stickers on it. 159 00:09:36.840 --> 00:09:40.639 There's like lots of little peanut stickers, and I can 160 00:09:40.679 --> 00:09:44.120 have the whole week, my week's agenda open all the time. 161 00:09:44.159 --> 00:09:46.960 I don't have to click over it to it or anything. 162 00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:48.600 So this is it right? 163 00:09:48.799 --> 00:09:52.399 Well, I mean maybe the analog nature of it is 164 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:58.720 valuable because then you're, yeah, you're not getting yourself distracted 165 00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:00.200 with online. 166 00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:04.480 Yeah, right, stuff that sounds good. And it was only 167 00:10:04.600 --> 00:10:07.759 nineteen ninety nine, It wasn't one hundred dollars, right, And 168 00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:11.440 there are peanuts? Did I mention? They're peanuts there? And 169 00:10:12.399 --> 00:10:14.960 you know I can always flip to the front and 170 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:17.120 see Snoopy. This is like from the days of my 171 00:10:17.159 --> 00:10:19.559 youth or peanuts. I guess peanuts are still popular because 172 00:10:19.559 --> 00:10:21.960 I still make things with them. But when I was 173 00:10:21.960 --> 00:10:25.320 a kid, they were super popular and I was super 174 00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:29.840 into it, and there was a whole theological I think 175 00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:33.039 there's the Word according to Peanuts by Charles Schultz, like 176 00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:36.519 an actual book that was like applied theology to peanuts. 177 00:10:36.559 --> 00:10:39.399 And I was into that for a while, and so 178 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:43.600 I've always had I know, still no many many many 179 00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:46.600 many years later, the lyrics to some of the songs 180 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:48.679 from You're a Good Man chopping around, which I would 181 00:10:48.720 --> 00:10:53.120 perform spontaneously back at a certain time in my life, 182 00:10:54.480 --> 00:11:02.039 kny I do it's up time? Yes, it's up A 183 00:11:02.200 --> 00:11:03.840 time for the dog a lot, and she does not 184 00:11:03.960 --> 00:11:09.200 enjoy it anyway. So I have scratched both my peanuts 185 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:12.519 Itch and my yeah another planner. That's what I need, 186 00:11:12.639 --> 00:11:17.399 Itch with this very nice Peanuts planner that I purchased 187 00:11:17.399 --> 00:11:19.440 in Barnes and Noble for a reasonable amount of money, 188 00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:22.720 especially since I now have the membership. So should you 189 00:11:22.840 --> 00:11:26.879 be needing that close your eyes hum as you walk 190 00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:30.279 past the many expensive things online. Go to Barnes and Noble. 191 00:11:30.279 --> 00:11:32.480 They have a ton of planners. Just pick one, anyone. 192 00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:34.639 It'll be reasonably priced and you'll be able to get 193 00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:37.440 out of there with something that'll tide you over six 194 00:11:37.440 --> 00:11:37.879 months or so. 195 00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:40.759 Yes, I mean, shouldn't they be on sale right now 196 00:11:40.799 --> 00:11:42.480 because it's. 197 00:11:42.120 --> 00:11:45.559 Yeah, probably? Well, this is what I love about planners. 198 00:11:45.639 --> 00:11:48.720 It's no date or no, it does have dates, but 199 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:52.519 it's the academic planner. So it goes from July through 200 00:11:53.399 --> 00:11:56.399 next December. It's like a year and a half. I 201 00:11:56.440 --> 00:11:58.200 don't know why it's a year, because a year and 202 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:00.960 a half is in an academic year, right, but it's 203 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:03.200 just they got to next June and they thought we'll 204 00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:06.039 give them the rest of the year, so it started. 205 00:12:06.519 --> 00:12:08.480 I bought it for myself as a birthday present. It 206 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:13.080 starts on my actual birth so it's just like it 207 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:13.919 was made for me. 208 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:16.320 That's right, How could you? How could you say? 209 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:16.480 Now? 210 00:12:17.639 --> 00:12:17.879 Nah? 211 00:12:17.919 --> 00:12:20.240 And it's snoopy. Look at snoopy, look at snoopy and 212 00:12:20.279 --> 00:12:24.039 little woodstock there. You gotta love it now. I didn't 213 00:12:24.080 --> 00:12:26.360 realize that since it's an academic planner all the all 214 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:31.159 the stickers are like for school things, fantastic vacation, right, 215 00:12:31.240 --> 00:12:36.639 but I'll find ways to use them. Yeah, so date 216 00:12:36.679 --> 00:12:43.360 books and finding modest ways to deal with your ridiculous obsession. 217 00:12:44.919 --> 00:12:46.440 My random rack for the day? 218 00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:48.519 Nice, love it? 219 00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:52.720 Jot down our next record? Yeah, so what do we 220 00:12:52.799 --> 00:12:55.879 have for the archive this week? This week we are 221 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:57.480 what do we have from the archives? 222 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:02.919 We are again going back to twenty twenty, which I 223 00:13:02.919 --> 00:13:06.240 feel like we've been revisiting a lot, even though that's the. 224 00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:08.480 Time not to talk about in twenty two, even though. 225 00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:09.840 That's the time we may not want to read this, 226 00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:15.360 But this is this is not a pandemic topic. It 227 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:19.720 is The title was telling parenting like it is, and 228 00:13:19.759 --> 00:13:23.360 it was about whether you should be honest with other 229 00:13:24.360 --> 00:13:31.039 potential parents and current parents about the hard stuff. Because 230 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:36.919 we have to you know, perpetuate the species, and we 231 00:13:36.919 --> 00:13:37.960 don't want to discourage. 232 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:42.919 Yeah. I hear that a lot now with social media 233 00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:45.600 of people saying that all you people are saying hard 234 00:13:45.639 --> 00:13:47.639 things about parenting, you're going to make people not want 235 00:13:47.639 --> 00:13:49.960 to have kids. It'll be your fault. It's like, well, 236 00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:53.440 I mean people complain about their jobs. Does that necessarily 237 00:13:53.519 --> 00:13:55.399 mean nobody's gonna want to get a job. Maybe I 238 00:13:55.440 --> 00:13:59.639 don't know, but it's I don't know. I grew up 239 00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.320 reading Irma bomback and thinking she was hilarious and she 240 00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:06.679 was not saying cozy, flowery things about parenting, right, and 241 00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:09.559 it did not make me any less want to have kids. 242 00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:13.320 So I think there's a time honor tradition of you know, 243 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:18.440 parents complaining that this current generation of parents should not 244 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:25.279 be denied because somebody thinks it's On the other hand, 245 00:14:26.279 --> 00:14:27.919 you are opening yourself up to judgment. 246 00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:32.480 That is true. But also I think one of the 247 00:14:32.519 --> 00:14:37.320 things that we talked about in that episode was you're 248 00:14:37.399 --> 00:14:41.240 kind of doing a disservice to other people who are 249 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:45.720 struggling if you're painting it as like, oh, everything's fine 250 00:14:45.799 --> 00:14:46.840 and great all the. 251 00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:48.440 Time, Well, you really can't win. 252 00:14:49.320 --> 00:14:53.320 Yeah, well, that's that's a classic that we returned to 253 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:53.840 again and. 254 00:14:53.799 --> 00:14:56.399 Again, because if you're too chirpy, then you're going to 255 00:14:56.440 --> 00:14:58.080 make people who are having a hard time feel that 256 00:14:58.120 --> 00:15:01.159 there's something wrong with them negative, then you're gonna make 257 00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:04.840 people feel like, oh, I do that right. And either way, 258 00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:09.960 you're not really telling the whole story, right. But you're 259 00:15:10.039 --> 00:15:12.559 I mean, you're the There's always the question too of 260 00:15:12.600 --> 00:15:17.080 where your story ends and where your kid's story begins. 261 00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:20.720 And are you being disloyal to your child by talking 262 00:15:20.759 --> 00:15:26.720 about them in less than positive ways? And yes you are, 263 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:28.840 but at the same time, you need support. 264 00:15:28.919 --> 00:15:29.960 You're in the story too. 265 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:33.919 Yeah, And we're in such a performative era now that 266 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:36.600 we're not talking about Hey, I told this story to 267 00:15:36.639 --> 00:15:39.799 the mom's group. You're saying, I put this story on Twitter. Yeah, 268 00:15:39.879 --> 00:15:43.399 so it you know, that's maybe part of what makes 269 00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:46.879 a difference. But I probably talked about this the last 270 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:49.039 time we discussed it, but I still think about it. 271 00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:53.879 When I we first adopted our kids, I was on Uh, 272 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:57.320 this is what we did back then in the nineties. 273 00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:01.120 A list serve, an email list serve where you would 274 00:16:01.159 --> 00:16:04.720 talk to other people through email. A group of people 275 00:16:04.919 --> 00:16:09.039 and there was exactly this thing going on that the 276 00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:14.519 people who were legitimately having significant problems were being told, 277 00:16:14.600 --> 00:16:18.240 if you say negative things about Eastern European adoption, nobody's 278 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:20.039 going to adopt those kids and that will be on 279 00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:23.679 your head, right. But if people were saying only positive things, 280 00:16:23.679 --> 00:16:25.919 that were like, you are leading people to believe that 281 00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:28.200 they're going to have this perfect, picture perfect thing and 282 00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:30.200 they're going to adopt a kid with a problem, and 283 00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:32.799 then they're not going to know what to do. So 284 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:38.000 it's like you're too positive, you're too negative, you know what. 285 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:41.279 It was just fights all the time between the people 286 00:16:41.320 --> 00:16:43.799 who feel like you have to be positive, whether it's 287 00:16:43.879 --> 00:16:46.879 positive or not, and you have to tell it like 288 00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:50.600 it is even if it's bad, right, and I've. 289 00:16:50.840 --> 00:16:53.000 And the people who were like, I need support, so 290 00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:54.759 I'm telling it like it is, you. 291 00:16:54.679 --> 00:16:59.440 Know, yeah, exactly. I mean I really benefited from reading 292 00:16:59.480 --> 00:17:05.559 some of the Some of the forthright and honest stuff 293 00:17:05.880 --> 00:17:09.279 was very useful. What wasn't useful was the how dare 294 00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:13.160 you be forthright and honest and you're sugarcoating it? It's 295 00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:14.880 really one hundred times worse than that. Why are you 296 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:18.799 telling people it's like that there's a middle road that's 297 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:26.079 useful but not resoundingly negative, and then there's either side 298 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:30.680 yelling at each other over you, and it's hard to know. 299 00:17:32.279 --> 00:17:35.480 It's a spectrum, and it's hard to find where exactly 300 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:40.359 you pass from helpful to unhelpful. And I think that's 301 00:17:40.359 --> 00:17:43.440 true just of typical parenting too. You know, it's if 302 00:17:43.480 --> 00:17:45.759 you're struggling with your kid, you don't want to read 303 00:17:45.799 --> 00:17:49.240 people saying everything is perfect and if it's not perfect, 304 00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:51.319 it's your fault. But you also don't want to people 305 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:53.920 read people saying it's terrible. It's horrible and it's never 306 00:17:53.960 --> 00:17:56.480 going to get any better. You want, Yeah, this is tough. 307 00:17:56.559 --> 00:17:59.599 Right now, here's something I tried. Maybe this would work 308 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:01.160 for you. If if not, here's some books that I 309 00:18:01.160 --> 00:18:04.200 found useful. If not, yeah, just have yourself a good cry. 310 00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:09.759 You know, that's helpful. But the two ends are not, right. 311 00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:11.920 That's mostly what. 312 00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:14.480 We get because it's the internet. 313 00:18:15.640 --> 00:18:18.279 Yes, because it's the Internet, and because people enjoy screaming, 314 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:24.000 and because people react most fervently to those, you know, 315 00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:29.640 so they get the most hits. But you know what, 316 00:18:30.039 --> 00:18:34.680 just a calm hey, yeah that sucks. Here's what I 317 00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:39.079 did for that. You know, the person who reads it 318 00:18:39.240 --> 00:18:42.640 needs it, reads it and moves on, and nobody else 319 00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:46.359 pays attention to it, which is why our wonderful podcast 320 00:18:46.440 --> 00:18:47.240 is just languished. 321 00:18:50.160 --> 00:18:59.359 Nobody wants to hear people being reasonable. We're just gonna 322 00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:00.279 watch TV now. 323 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:10.079 Yeah, I do think you have to. You have to 324 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:12.079 tell it like it is. But with. 325 00:19:13.599 --> 00:19:15.920 Well, if you're telling it like it is, but you're 326 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:21.079 acknowledging like it's different for everyone. Our our standard mantra 327 00:19:21.400 --> 00:19:25.839 that we write that we are disclaimer slash mantra that 328 00:19:25.880 --> 00:19:31.400 we bring to most topics. You know, this is this 329 00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:35.880 is my experience, it's you know, this is how I 330 00:19:35.920 --> 00:19:37.640 dealt with it, like you were saying, this is how 331 00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:41.920 I dealt with it. But obviously your child is different. 332 00:19:42.359 --> 00:19:46.559 So yeah, anything that you can accompany with some some 333 00:19:46.759 --> 00:19:54.359 usable intel is helpful. Just complaining with no particular complaining 334 00:19:54.400 --> 00:19:59.039 to complain is less so, but there's not always. 335 00:19:59.160 --> 00:20:03.680 But there's also like a need for venting. 336 00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:06.920 Yes, that is true, that is true. We should there 337 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.880 should be a safe space to vent and. 338 00:20:09.880 --> 00:20:13.880 Uh, but probably that space is not online. 339 00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:19.440 No, yeah, because you don't. The problem is online you 340 00:20:19.480 --> 00:20:23.279 don't always get the kind of reaction you are wanting. 341 00:20:23.400 --> 00:20:25.799 Maybe some people are real sympathetic and give you what 342 00:20:25.839 --> 00:20:27.440 you're looking for, and some people are going to tell 343 00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:29.240 you you're horrible from one end and some people are 344 00:20:29.279 --> 00:20:31.480 gonna tell you you're horrible from the other end of 345 00:20:31.519 --> 00:20:36.519 the spectrum. So friends, friends are good. Yeah, people still 346 00:20:36.519 --> 00:20:39.480 have friends you real like, go and have a cup 347 00:20:39.519 --> 00:20:44.000 of coffee with and talk to that's what that's what 348 00:20:44.039 --> 00:20:47.680 you need for that stuff. That's you vent to your friend. 349 00:20:48.519 --> 00:20:52.880 Maybe you go to, you know, a coffee shop and 350 00:20:52.960 --> 00:20:54.559 vent to a friend. And then you wonder if people 351 00:20:54.599 --> 00:20:56.519 around you are listening to you and judging you. But 352 00:20:58.039 --> 00:21:00.960 maybe so, maybe you vent with a friend, like in your. 353 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:05.079 House, go to a coffee shop in a different town 354 00:21:05.400 --> 00:21:07.319 where you don't know anybody. 355 00:21:09.799 --> 00:21:12.279 I have wondered that over the years, are people around 356 00:21:12.279 --> 00:21:13.880 me listening to me? I don't think I listened to 357 00:21:13.920 --> 00:21:16.440 people who are having conversations at Barnes and Noble. 358 00:21:16.519 --> 00:21:19.759 But oh I listened to people at the library if 359 00:21:19.799 --> 00:21:21.920 I'm like shelving or whatever. 360 00:21:22.440 --> 00:21:26.039 Yes, they'tos be talking in the library. 361 00:21:26.200 --> 00:21:30.839 Oh they can talk, that's really Oh yeah, especially in 362 00:21:30.880 --> 00:21:31.799 the kids area. 363 00:21:32.519 --> 00:21:35.599 Oh okay, all right, so you've heard any good conversations 364 00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:36.880 that you want us to jump in and say, I'm 365 00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:39.640 a parenting No. 366 00:21:39.720 --> 00:21:43.480 I just leaned back the other day. I was I 367 00:21:43.559 --> 00:21:46.799 was working down there, and I was just listening to 368 00:21:46.839 --> 00:21:51.039 this person, Like this conversation was so one sided, Like 369 00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:55.640 I just felt so bad for the receiver of this 370 00:21:56.359 --> 00:22:01.119 just like download of information, like and it was very 371 00:22:01.240 --> 00:22:03.359 much like, well, this is how I did it, and 372 00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:07.200 this is the best way, and it was just not ending. 373 00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:09.559 I think she was a grandma too, like it just 374 00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:13.519 oh yeah, I was like feeling just so bad for 375 00:22:13.559 --> 00:22:18.200 the other person, like this person is a know at 376 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:23.319 all who does not know when to stop and yikes. 377 00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:29.480 Well, you know, we talked earlier about my obsession with 378 00:22:29.640 --> 00:22:32.839 planning materials and whatever, and I've been thinking from a 379 00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:36.799 parenting point of view, a product that is needed is 380 00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:42.039 like either a notebook or just a pad of paper 381 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:45.480 or something where you could take a piece of parenting advice, 382 00:22:45.880 --> 00:22:48.240 whether it's in a book, whether it's from your mother 383 00:22:48.279 --> 00:22:52.720 in law, whether it's from somebody online. You write down 384 00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:54.960 that piece of parenting advice, and then you figure out 385 00:22:54.960 --> 00:22:58.200 how you can make this work for you, So parts 386 00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:00.480 that don't apply to me, you write that in a 387 00:23:00.519 --> 00:23:03.039 column parts, that will never work for me. You write 388 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:05.519 that in a column parts, I could maybe try. You 389 00:23:05.559 --> 00:23:07.920 write that in a column parts, I could How could 390 00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:10.160 I tweak this so that it would work for me? 391 00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:12.519 How can I make a change? So you have that 392 00:23:12.640 --> 00:23:15.240 beside you. When you're reading a parenting book and every 393 00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:18.240 time something good or stupid comes in, you write it 394 00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:22.559 and you say, okay, well this is dumb. But how 395 00:23:22.599 --> 00:23:24.400 a baud if I did it this, you can still 396 00:23:24.440 --> 00:23:26.839 learn from things that are wrong. How about if I 397 00:23:26.839 --> 00:23:31.039 did the exact opposite, how would that I'm right? So 398 00:23:31.160 --> 00:23:33.599 maybe we need that not only for parenting books, but 399 00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:36.559 just for random social interactions. You can go home, you 400 00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:39.599 can open up your parenting planner and you could write, 401 00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:42.200