Speaker 1: Welcome again the Horrible Cult Nation with a Shadows Secrets
Speaker 1: U and the True Little Weapon showing us on cold
Speaker 1: conspiracy as we dive deep to the underbelly of the
Speaker 1: unknown and challenge the narrative spinning around us.
Speaker 2: Buckles up because we're gearing up for a wild ride
Speaker 2: through the madness Madam the unseen world.
Speaker 1: This is not just a podcast, it's all if you, let's.
Speaker 2: Lease the chaos.
Speaker 3: Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Deplorable Nation.
Speaker 3: I'm your host, Deplorable Janet, and today I have two lovely,
Speaker 3: beautiful returning guests to the show. This is going to
Speaker 3: be kind of a continuation of the part one that
Speaker 3: we did on intangible drivers and knowing what uh what
Speaker 3: makes people tick behavior wise. So today we're going to
Speaker 3: get into bullying and unconscious confrontation. So welcome back mister
Speaker 3: John Lenhart and mister ed Maybe. So, how are you
Speaker 3: guys doing? Sorry that I had a little cat down
Speaker 3: here that was biting on me, So sorry I got sidetracked.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I'm doing great. This is this is one
Speaker 4: of my favorite topics to talk about. I'm sure that
Speaker 4: we're going to raise a lot of eyebrows today. I'm
Speaker 4: looking forward to it as well.
Speaker 2: It's you know, learning what I've learned from from John
Speaker 2: from flow sas has just been amazing for me. And
Speaker 2: I'll chime in here and there where I can, But yeah,
Speaker 2: this is definitely in John's wheelhouse, and I think people
Speaker 2: are going to learn a lot of very valuable information today.
Speaker 3: And I'm looking forward to this because this is such
Speaker 3: a huge problem for so many people and it's not
Speaker 3: just children that are affected by this. People take bullying
Speaker 3: into adulthood and can't seem to break the cycle of
Speaker 3: behavior a lot of times, in my personal opinion, because
Speaker 3: I was the recipient of bullying for a very very
Speaker 3: long time, and I took that meekness from the bullying
Speaker 3: right It made me very meek and timid, and all
Speaker 3: of those things. Took that into future relationships like the
Speaker 3: baggage that it is, you know, until I was able
Speaker 3: to finally pack that away and be like, you know what,
Speaker 3: I'm better than this. I deserve better than this. So
Speaker 3: I think this topic is going to hit home for
Speaker 3: a lot of people, children and adults included. So I'm
Speaker 3: very glad that we're doing this today. So here's a question,
Speaker 3: do you think that there are like specific types of
Speaker 3: people that fall into the bullying routine that become the bullies.
Speaker 4: I don't think so. I think that everybody who bullies
Speaker 4: has been bullied. And so that's one of the things
Speaker 4: that I say that upsets people the most about bullying
Speaker 4: is we look at a situation where and I love
Speaker 4: what you said, the bullying is not just confined to kids.
Speaker 4: Especially in the c suite esos, they are the best
Speaker 4: bullies in the world and they bully management like crazy.
Speaker 4: And so when somebody but let's just take the kid example,
Speaker 4: because eybody's familiar with that. So this student bullies this kid.
Speaker 4: And I like to say to people, how many victims
Speaker 4: do we have in this scenario? And everybody else say one?
Speaker 4: And I'm like, you got two, right, because the bully
Speaker 4: wouldn't bully if they also hadn't been bullied. So I
Speaker 4: think anybody can become a bully because they can get
Speaker 4: bullied by somebody else. And the issue I wrote a
Speaker 4: whole series on LinkedIn called the Hypocrisy of Bullying because
Speaker 4: I say to people, what's your definition of bullying? And
Speaker 4: the definition is really to intimidate or to cause harm
Speaker 4: in order to control behavior. So what you're doing is whenever,
Speaker 4: whenever you're trying to control behavior by either intimidating something
Speaker 4: or threatening harm, you're bullying. So when this kid bullies
Speaker 4: this kid, how do you treat it? What you're really
Speaker 4: saying is how do I change the behavior of the bully?
Speaker 4: And if the answer is you intimidate them, you threaten them,
Speaker 4: you punish them, aren't you bullying the bully? And so
Speaker 4: isn't that being a hypocrite? And that's the issue is
Speaker 4: how do we how do you deal with bullying? Because
Speaker 4: if your solution to bullying is to bully the bully,
Speaker 4: then you believe bullying works.
Speaker 3: And and you're doing the exact same thing. It's kind
Speaker 3: of like raising up kids, right, And I think we
Speaker 3: kind of touched on this in the last episode where
Speaker 3: they observe your behavior right as a parent, and like
Speaker 3: throwing trash at the trash can and you miss and
Speaker 3: so it stays on the floor, or not picking up
Speaker 3: your dishes, you know, leaving me on the table or
Speaker 3: on the chair or something, and kids pick up everything
Speaker 3: that you do. And so if they see you bullying
Speaker 3: your spouse or bullying your children, they in turn will
Speaker 3: do the exact same thing that they learned from you.
Speaker 4: Whenever I help a family, I say seventy five percent
Speaker 4: of the issues would go away if the spouses would
Speaker 4: get along better. For the exact reason you said, Janet,
Speaker 4: is that the kids are mimicking that. If I teach
Speaker 4: the parents all these things to do to the kids,
Speaker 4: but the parents don't do that to each other, You're right,
Speaker 4: it's a it's a waste of time.
Speaker 3: Right, absolutely.
Speaker 4: So, yeah, so that's that's the issue. Now, before we
Speaker 4: get into these specifics about how to help with bullying,
Speaker 4: I want to point out one more thing because I
Speaker 4: help a lot of executives deal with bullying from the
Speaker 4: c suite, and you would think that it would get
Speaker 4: me into these companies, but it never does because the
Speaker 4: people in charge of the company got there by bullying.
Speaker 4: So here's the reality. We tell kids, do not bully,
Speaker 4: But what we're really saying is don't bully until you
Speaker 4: graduate high.
Speaker 3: School and then how about it.
Speaker 4: Right, But that's how you become successful in this country
Speaker 4: and in corporate America. So that's the real message we
Speaker 4: send is bullying is wrong in school until you graduate,
Speaker 4: and then go ahead and bully, because if you look
Speaker 4: at a corporation, the way people got to the level
Speaker 4: they're at is because they bullied.
Speaker 3: And you know, one thing I thought of when you
Speaker 3: were talking about like the control right that bullying exerts
Speaker 3: over people with the intimidation and all that, and it
Speaker 3: immediately popped into my head. Narcissists are amazing at control,
Speaker 3: manipulation and intimidation tactics, right, and it has to be
Speaker 3: their idea, their way or the highway. Nobody can do
Speaker 3: anything right except them, and they can't take accountability for
Speaker 3: anything that they say or do to someone else. You
Speaker 3: know that that causes harm or you know, intimidation, fear,
Speaker 3: any of those kind of things that go along with it.
Speaker 3: And that's kind of why I asked the question about
Speaker 3: is there a certain type of person that turns into
Speaker 3: a bully? Because there are so many narcissists in the world.
Speaker 3: Do you think that they themselves were bully at some
Speaker 3: point or they just automatically turned into this ego testical,
Speaker 3: you know, maniacal.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I want to I want to let John talk
Speaker 2: about narcissism because I know he's done a lot of
Speaker 2: work on that. But one thing I want people to
Speaker 2: keep in mind as just an overall just watchwords is
Speaker 2: in a big picture, there is really fear because why
Speaker 2: do you control? Why does anyone want to control something?
Speaker 2: Because they're afraid of what would happen if they let
Speaker 2: go of control? Right, And and like John said, people
Speaker 2: who become bullies in the c suite, they learned it
Speaker 2: by when when they when they go an entry level,
Speaker 2: they're being bullied by a manager. Then they become a
Speaker 2: manager by you know, showing that hey I can I'll
Speaker 2: bully some of my co workers and they say, hey, what,
Speaker 2: this guy has leadership skills, right, coworkers, let's make him
Speaker 2: a manager. Any manager you bully by the director, Then
Speaker 2: when you become a director, you know you're being you'reing
Speaker 2: bullied by the VP and the c suite. And but
Speaker 2: but the reason for it is that you feel that fear.
Speaker 2: So that first time you felt fear was when you
Speaker 2: were entry level. You were afraid. How do you deal
Speaker 2: with your fear? Well, you deal with your fear by
Speaker 2: trying to control the situation, trying to control others or
Speaker 2: even shifting blame onto others. So it's really your it's
Speaker 2: a it's a defense mechanism in order to deal with
Speaker 2: the fear. And I want I'll talk about fear a
Speaker 2: little more later. Wrong, people don't understand that control and
Speaker 2: fear go hand in hand. So just like you have,
Speaker 2: you know, children, we have fears in we children because
Speaker 2: we just we don't know a lot, and you know,
Speaker 2: we are in a very vulnerable position as children. So
Speaker 2: we deal with fear on different levels and we learn
Speaker 2: to cope with that fear. One of those coping mechanisms
Speaker 2: could be passing that fear to others. You know, I
Speaker 2: see it in my I have two boys, and I
Speaker 2: see when when I'm not behaving well towards one of them,
Speaker 2: to my oldest, I can see him taking it out
Speaker 2: on my younger on the younger side because he is
Speaker 2: is in fear and he's trying to control it. So
Speaker 2: the whole point of this is when you have a
Speaker 2: CEO who's bullying behind that there is Yes, there's narcissism
Speaker 2: to a degree in this, but there's also a fear
Speaker 2: of not being in control, of being exposed because at
Speaker 2: some point he's in his It's it's a lot with males.
Speaker 2: I speak from that point of view every time when
Speaker 2: you were a male, there is a voice in the
Speaker 2: back of your head saying you are going to fail.
Speaker 2: There's that voice in the man's head, whether you are
Speaker 2: entry level of where you're the CEO of a Fortune
Speaker 2: five hundred company, there is this little voice inside of
Speaker 2: your head saying you're going to fail. What's going to
Speaker 2: keep you from failing being in control. So there's that.
Speaker 2: So a Fortune five hundred ceo, he is afraid of
Speaker 2: failing and his coping mechanism. Let me intimidate, let me control,
Speaker 2: because the more control I have, the less likely it
Speaker 2: is I'm going to fail. But keep in mind that
Speaker 2: there is a scared little boy or scared little girl
Speaker 2: underneath that bullying facade. So I'll let John talk more
Speaker 2: about narcissism. I want people to understand that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so I think the I think Jen, this is
Speaker 4: a great topic to help us get into everything we're
Speaker 4: going to talk about. So this shows my approach a
Speaker 4: little bit. Is first of all, you define the word.
Speaker 4: So what is narcissism. If you look up the definition
Speaker 4: of narcissism, it's all effects. It's people who and it
Speaker 4: describes behaviors, and then it says that it's either they
Speaker 4: don't know if it's from nature or nurture, and is
Speaker 4: no way to fix it. I will tell you that's
Speaker 4: not the true definition of narcissism. And again, that first
Speaker 4: episode we did, we talked about what we call step
Speaker 4: one is your uniqueness, who you are, what your mind is,
Speaker 4: and then we talked about the thought processes. So I'm
Speaker 4: going to reference that here to understand and if anybody
Speaker 4: really wants to get into the gory details and go
Speaker 4: back to the previous episode. So, what a narcissist is.
Speaker 4: It's a person who has wired their brain to be
Speaker 4: happy at the expense of other people. So really that's
Speaker 4: what and that explains all the behaviors you see. But
Speaker 4: they have wired their brain to that disregulation thought process
Speaker 4: and so their brain now is I am only happy
Speaker 4: when I am controlling you or making something bad happen.
Speaker 4: And you'll see it in a narcissist when they yell
Speaker 4: at you and then they smile. I'll watch people. That's
Speaker 4: how I know it is a narcissist is I'll watch
Speaker 4: somebody complain and then I'll see the smile at the
Speaker 4: end because they're getting these happiness chemicals. So if the
Speaker 4: definition is somebody who's getting pleasure out of controlling somebody.
Speaker 4: All those effects make sense from there. So now the
Speaker 4: question is is how do we approach this person and
Speaker 4: how do we handle, you know, dealing with their interacting
Speaker 4: with this person. And this gets to the unconscious confrontation.
Speaker 4: So then the last episode we talked about this. Ten
Speaker 4: percent of your brain is your conscious brain, it's where
Speaker 4: you imagine, it's where you remember, you're in direct control
Speaker 4: of this. Ninety percent of your brain is your unconscious brain.
Speaker 4: It's where all your behavior and all your energy is.
Speaker 4: When really that's the part of this model that people
Speaker 4: are missing. Everybody thinks everything is conscious, and the thing
Speaker 4: is is really your energy is unconscious. So if you
Speaker 4: think about it, in that narcissists brain, ninety percent of
Speaker 4: their brain is the majority of the brain is driving
Speaker 4: their energy, and they consciously have taught their unconscious that
Speaker 4: they want to enjoy being mean to people and bullying people.
Speaker 5: The thing is is they are feasting on low self
Speaker 5: esteem people. So self esteem is confidence in your uniqueness.
Speaker 5: So we talked about the intangible drivers. So when you
Speaker 5: understand who you are and and then you get confidence
Speaker 5: in it, then what happens is is you are driven
Speaker 5: by being more yourself. If you're low self esteem, you
Speaker 5: don't know who you are or you don't have confidence
Speaker 5: in who you are, and so all you can go
Speaker 5: by is appearance. So if you look at what a
Speaker 5: narcissist does, they sit there and tell you they're trying
Speaker 5: to control you or intimidate you by appearance, the way
Speaker 5: you look. So they'll say, really, I wouldn't wear something
Speaker 5: like that, And it's what they're doing, is they're trying
Speaker 5: to control you by you being worried about how you look.
Speaker 4: Now, if you have high self esteem, the narciss isn't
Speaker 4: going to affect you. But if you low self esteem,
Speaker 4: it is like a virus. They a narcissist makes narcissists, right, I.
Speaker 3: Mean you're going to say, I was going to say,
Speaker 3: it's kind of like a cancerous thing that spreads because
Speaker 3: it's and I can speak on this too because I
Speaker 3: was married to a narcissist before. And it's always personal
Speaker 3: attacks and something about you that they do to destroy
Speaker 3: your confidence and to harm you. And it's it's not
Speaker 3: just appearance, it's your sense of humor, it's your you know,
Speaker 3: the way you look too, skinny, too fat, to this,
Speaker 3: to that, whatever it is, like everything about you seems
Speaker 3: to irritate them.
Speaker 4: Right, So that you nailed it. So the thing is
Speaker 4: is that, first of all, if people knew their uniqueness
Speaker 4: and grew in it, they would be inoculated against narcissism, right,
Speaker 4: But how many people know that? They don't know it.
Speaker 4: So the reason narcissism is growing is people don't know
Speaker 4: who they are, and people are infecting other people. So
Speaker 4: the first thing that I teach people is the sentence
Speaker 4: you want to say to a narcissist is I'm sorry
Speaker 4: you feel that way. So that's how you stop them
Speaker 4: dead in their tracks. So if you ever see me
Speaker 4: on LinkedIn or on Facebook or someplace or Instagram and
Speaker 4: somebody's saying stuff to me and I say I'm sorry
Speaker 4: you feel that way, I'm trying to find out if
Speaker 4: they're a narcissist. So the reason that works, and we're
Speaker 4: gonna this is starting us into the unconscious confrontation. I'm
Speaker 4: sorry you feel that way, So I'm saying that I
Speaker 4: feel bad that you feel a certain way. I'm putting
Speaker 4: it back on you. Now if you attack, if you
Speaker 4: attack me, you're unconscious is going to go, why are
Speaker 4: you attacking them for for something that looks good? I'm
Speaker 4: having compassion towards you, so they can't they can't do that.
Speaker 4: So with the way your unconscious works is if you
Speaker 4: go to say something, and if you go to say
Speaker 4: something against what somebody is saying and they repeated what
Speaker 4: you said because I'm saying you felt that way, if
Speaker 4: you go to attack it, you're unconscious will will slam you,
Speaker 4: like just hit you in the moment. So if you
Speaker 4: ever see, if you notice people, if someone has to
Speaker 4: start a sentence three times, what they're doing is they're
Speaker 4: trying to get around their unconscious brain. So whenever someone
Speaker 4: starts a sentence more than twice, I'll point to someone
Speaker 4: like the EDGs in the room, I'll say third time,
Speaker 4: and what I'm saying is listen very carefully because this
Speaker 4: person is trying to say something. They're trying to say
Speaker 4: something directly at you, and every time they make the step,
Speaker 4: they're unconscious. Ruts can't say that. You can't say that.
Speaker 4: Now I'm really interested because I want to know what
Speaker 4: are all the things you had to qualify to say
Speaker 4: what you wanted to say? Because if I take the
Speaker 4: qualifiers out. I know you're guilty of that behavior. This
Speaker 4: is the one of the ways I read people. So
Speaker 4: when you see someone start a sentence three times, that's
Speaker 4: literally they're unc just stepping in and spanking them right
Speaker 4: in the moment. Because if I say something and you
Speaker 4: repeat back to me what I say and I want
Speaker 4: to negate that, I can't negate what I said, my
Speaker 4: unconscious will hit me. So that's the trick in that sentence,
Speaker 4: I'm sorry you feel that way. Half of that sentence
Speaker 4: is something you already stated or showed. You can't reject it.
Speaker 4: So what I get from people is is, well, you
Speaker 4: shouldn't feel sorry. I didn't ask you feel sorry, and
Speaker 4: I'm like, that's fine. I know a guy who said
Speaker 4: this to a pastor was a narcissist, and the third
Speaker 4: time he said I'm sorry you feel that way, he goes,
Speaker 4: stop staying that and my friend goes, i'm sorry you
Speaker 4: feel that way. So that's the first the global like sentence.
Speaker 4: I tell people to stop the bleeding and to hold
Speaker 4: a narcissist at bay. That's the first thing you say
Speaker 4: to stop.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know, I'm glad that you brought up
Speaker 3: the social media thing, because that is such a problem
Speaker 3: these days, and people get so wrapped up and butt
Speaker 3: hurt and the way that people respond on a post
Speaker 3: or something, you know, whatever they say back to you,
Speaker 3: you know, and I people are like, well, how do
Speaker 3: you control that? And I'm like, my personal thing that
Speaker 3: I learned a long time ago, is you don't engage
Speaker 3: with toxic behavior, right, and so if somebody attacks me
Speaker 3: or says something nasty, I say something positive back and
Speaker 3: they stop. It never fails.
Speaker 4: Okay, So you do engage, because I'm going to say, absolved,
Speaker 4: there's four ways address a problem and if you ignore it,
Speaker 4: and I can tell another story about that, but you
Speaker 4: do engage, and then you just gave the answer. So
Speaker 4: let me show you why what you're doing works. This
Speaker 4: is this is leading right into the unconscious confrontation. So
Speaker 4: what's happening is is and you kind of if you
Speaker 4: if people have to close their eyes watching this to
Speaker 4: imagine this. But in the in the narcissist person's brain,
Speaker 4: there's a conscious brain and an unconscious brain. And we
Speaker 4: all use our conscious brain and we can access it,
Speaker 4: but we cannot directly access our unconscious. We we know
Speaker 4: what's in there in response to stuff we do, but
Speaker 4: our unconscious wants to know what we're thinking and what
Speaker 4: we're feeling. That's why journaling helps, or sharing with another person,
Speaker 4: it doesn't even matter if another person's there. You can
Speaker 4: pretend someone's there, but you should.
Speaker 3: You can talk to yourself, is what he's saying, because
Speaker 3: he's talking to me, so he knows I do that well.
Speaker 4: Because that's one of the healthiest things because you're talking
Speaker 4: to your unconscious brain. So your unconscious brain is one,
Speaker 4: what do you think in janet? What are you thinking?
Speaker 4: And it's increasing your internal tension. And if you talk
Speaker 4: out loud, your unconscious goes that's what I wanted to hear,
Speaker 4: and now it gives you good chemicals. That's why when
Speaker 4: we share with a friend, we feel better. But if
Speaker 4: the friend didn't have to be there, so you journal,
Speaker 4: that's your unconscious sees that you talk out loud. Your
Speaker 4: unconscious sees that. So if you really understand how your
Speaker 4: brain works, you're going to understand that what you're doing
Speaker 4: is you are a minder soul. Then you are trying
Speaker 4: to reach your unconscious through your conscious brain. That's what
Speaker 4: you're really doing. So this is the war everybody has
Speaker 4: inside their brain. I actually look at people like they're
Speaker 4: a marriage, Like, there's your spouses are your conscious and unconscious.
Speaker 4: So what I want to do with an unconscious confrontation
Speaker 4: is I want to get your conscious brain to say
Speaker 4: something that's going to set your unconscious off. So what
Speaker 4: you just did. So here's what's going on. The internal
Speaker 4: dialogue in a narcissist's brain is I take a shot
Speaker 4: at you online and again online. All this stuff is
Speaker 4: bullying and on LinkedIn. There are people who will hot
Speaker 4: link me to arguments because I can come and shut
Speaker 4: them down insightly, and I'm gonna show you how I
Speaker 4: do it, but you're already doing it. So what happens
Speaker 4: is is that they're saying, I wrote something mean to
Speaker 4: Janet and Janet wrote something mean back. Well, I'm justified
Speaker 4: in being mad at Janet, and unconscious brain, you better
Speaker 4: let me stay justified in being mad because that's really
Speaker 4: why the energy is so I get to keep doing that. Well,
Speaker 4: the argument I've made inside my head is unconscious brain
Speaker 4: energize me to be mean to Janet because she's being
Speaker 4: mean to me, and the unconscious brain goes, oh, so
Speaker 4: if Janet was nice to you, you wouldn't be mean
Speaker 4: to her, right of course, But no one's ever not
Speaker 4: going to be mean to nice to me because I'm
Speaker 4: going to be mean. So he means to you. When
Speaker 4: you're nice, he has to respond nicely. If he doesn't
Speaker 4: respond nicely, then his unconscious brain goes, wait a minute.
Speaker 4: You made this deal that you were going to be
Speaker 4: nice to the nice people. That's why I let you
Speaker 4: be mean to the mean people. But you're not being
Speaker 4: nice to the nice person. So I'm losing. I'm gotting
Speaker 4: out all your energy. And that person who loses all
Speaker 4: her energy and that's why you never hear from him.
Speaker 4: And I have the story I tell about this nurse
Speaker 4: I knew who had a who was training and this
Speaker 4: narcissistic nurse trainer was just ripping her. And I told
Speaker 4: this nurse I said, yeah, I said thank her, even
Speaker 4: though she's saying, you know all this stuff about you,
Speaker 4: just go thank you. I appreciate you doing this. She
Speaker 4: had better be nice to you or she can lose
Speaker 4: all energy. She thanked her really nice attitude. The nurse
Speaker 4: didn't say anything nice back, and the nurse spent three
Speaker 4: days walking around with no energy. And I told this nurse.
Speaker 4: I said, she needs to come back and basically confess
Speaker 4: and repent, admit to you that what she said was
Speaker 4: wrong in order to get her energy back, or she's
Speaker 4: going to keep losing it. The third day, she came
Speaker 4: back and said, Hey, I'm sorry I act that way.
Speaker 4: I you know, I'm glad you appreciated that. She got
Speaker 4: her energy back. The next day, she took another shot
Speaker 4: at her. She thanked her. She lost all her energy.
Speaker 4: And I told this nurse, I said, what she needs
Speaker 4: to do is bess, repent to you, and then never
Speaker 4: bully you again, bully everybody else because you don't know
Speaker 4: how to play the narcissist game. And so people hear
Speaker 4: this advice and they're like, I'm not going to be
Speaker 4: nice and narcisst then you're going to become a narcissist
Speaker 4: what you were already doing. And you're a very intuitive person. Janet,
Speaker 4: we've already talked about that in the last episode. You
Speaker 4: had the right answer. Now, why you did that, I'd
Speaker 4: love to hear why you did that.
Speaker 3: I honestly think it was because, like I said, I
Speaker 3: was married to somebody like that for so long and
Speaker 3: when they get a reaction out of you that they
Speaker 3: want write that negative reaction where you storm off or
Speaker 3: whatever the case may be, it like feeds them yes, right,
Speaker 3: and they continue their behavior and it escalates like up
Speaker 3: multiple levels. And so I started going, you are absolutely correct,
Speaker 3: thank you so much for pointing that out. And it
Speaker 3: made him stop doing it. And so when you said earlier,
Speaker 3: like people send you chats and you get in and
Speaker 3: you can shut it down. I worked for a big
Speaker 3: podcast not too long ago, and they had a big
Speaker 3: chat group going on or whatever. I was a chat
Speaker 3: moderator because anytime I would even so much as pop
Speaker 3: in the chat, they would stop, like all the negative
Speaker 3: behavior and all the you know, name colin and slur
Speaker 3: slinging and all the stuff. Just my presence in there
Speaker 3: would make people stop and they wouldn't do it anymore.
Speaker 3: And so I think it was just by trial and
Speaker 3: error all those years. And finally I'm like, I'm so
Speaker 3: confident in who I am and comfortable and who I
Speaker 3: am that it doesn't matter what somebody says about me,
Speaker 3: you know, or attacking my character any of that stuff.
Speaker 3: It bounces right off me. Like I got a bubble
Speaker 3: protection around me.
Speaker 4: That's what yeah made me.
Speaker 3: It made me grow a lot being in that situation.
Speaker 4: Right, It grew your self esteem. And now you're at
Speaker 4: the stage where I say you dissolved the problem because
Speaker 4: they can't. You don't have to do anything. I can
Speaker 4: keep doing what they're doing. You don't have to respond
Speaker 4: directly to it because your self esteem is high enough.
Speaker 4: And that's ultimately what I try to do. I try
Speaker 4: to grow people's self esteem where they're immune to it,
Speaker 4: and that's that's kind of process. The thing for me
Speaker 4: is I coached people in you know, executive coaching for
Speaker 4: like fifteen years, and then I got into the school
Speaker 4: system and I brought all the stuff I had to
Speaker 4: help the teachers and help the students because I'm really
Speaker 4: passionate about education, and everything I knew about bullying did
Speaker 4: not work in the schools because these kids are a
Speaker 4: level bulliers.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, they're amazing.
Speaker 4: So it took me about nine months and I improved
Speaker 4: my program. I helped these kids, you know, elementary school kids,
Speaker 4: middle school, high school handle bullying so well that when
Speaker 4: I went back into corporate America to executive coach people,
Speaker 4: I became undefeated. Right now, I know I can help
Speaker 4: any executive deal with any bullying because I have a
Speaker 4: program that works at the worst bullying. The problem is
Speaker 4: is I help executives like they'll get They get bullied
Speaker 4: by the c suite so bad, it's unbelievable what's going
Speaker 4: on in corporate America. And I help these people unconsciously
Speaker 4: confront the c suite so that the c suite doesn't
Speaker 4: bully them anymore. They bully everybody else, and that doesn't
Speaker 4: turn into more business because these executives go, Okay, great,
Speaker 4: I'm not going to tell anybody about you, John, because
Speaker 4: you're my secret weapon. So it never whenever I help people,
Speaker 4: it never results in them going, hey, you should come
Speaker 4: in and help all these people. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 4: You're my guy, and no one else knows about this.
Speaker 4: So I do a lot of this, you know, one
Speaker 4: off executive coaching to help deal with bullies in the
Speaker 4: c suite.
Speaker 3: Do you think that some businesses like the Chaos and turbolail.
Speaker 4: It's a strategy. So that's literally a strategy and edgub
Speaker 4: I tell you with Rome and everything. But what happens
Speaker 4: is is if you get the people, if you're number
Speaker 4: one and you get everybody fighting, they never can form
Speaker 4: a you know, any sort of collaboration overtake you. So
Speaker 4: it's literally a strategy to keep the layer below you
Speaker 4: fighting so that you keep your job and nobody can
Speaker 4: never you know, form an alliance and overtake you.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, it's it's something that happens. We see it socially.
Speaker 2: You know, when when when whenever, if you've knows whenever
Speaker 2: there's a something going on in government that people don't
Speaker 2: want you to know about in government, what do they do?
Speaker 2: They start a crisis someplace else right working on it
Speaker 2: so that again they can never focus on what that
Speaker 2: person is doing. It really gets back to the fear
Speaker 2: and control and all of that. I want to take
Speaker 2: a quick stay back before we get the unconscious confrontation
Speaker 2: because I and I think I can set it up
Speaker 2: for for for your listeners and set it up to
Speaker 2: for John to take over with that and that is
Speaker 2: this this is something I discovered, you know, dealing with
Speaker 2: the people in my comments section, because you know, I
Speaker 2: run a you know, faith based a Christian website and
Speaker 2: and you know, and and videos and blogs and podcasts
Speaker 2: and all that good stuff. And I will occasionally actually
Speaker 2: quite frequently get atheists coming onto my site and any
Speaker 2: comments there, and they also say think like, you're stupid,
Speaker 2: you know that you're an idiot, there's no God, so
Speaker 2: forth and so on, and you know, I would respond,
Speaker 2: you know, trying to you know, understand, understand them and
Speaker 2: educate them, and it wouldn't work. It would just it
Speaker 2: would just go into what they call the comments death
Speaker 2: spiral because they ask you a question. They'll say, well,
Speaker 2: if you can show me how there's a God, show
Speaker 2: me there's a God. Okay, Well here's some reasons. Okay, well,
Speaker 2: and then they'll ignore that and go to and go
Speaker 2: to another question. Well, then why does this happen? Well,
Speaker 2: it happened because of this, and instead of in not
Speaker 2: a knowledge, and that though just it becomes a death spiral.
Speaker 2: They never answer the question because I don't in their minds,
Speaker 2: what I'm thinking is, well, if I answer their question,
Speaker 2: then they'll they'll understand. They don't want their questions answered.
Speaker 2: They want to feel justified in what they believe. So
Speaker 2: the truth is their war was not with me, or
Speaker 2: with Christianity or with God, was with their unconscious, unconscious mind.
Speaker 2: And I didn't understand that and when I did, it
Speaker 2: changed everything. And I have a dirty trick that I
Speaker 2: pull up and put on them. So here's the thing. Everyone,
Speaker 2: Your unconscious mind we talked about this last time, knows reality.
Speaker 2: Your conscious mind is not your unconscious excuse me, is
Speaker 2: not moral. It doesn't know good or evil. It's facts
Speaker 2: and patterns. It sees reality. It cannot lie. Your unconscious
Speaker 2: cannot lie. Your conscious mind can all. We can lie
Speaker 2: in our conscious, but we cannot lie in our unconscious.
Speaker 2: So if you believe that there is no God, that
Speaker 2: there is no there is, that everything happened naturally, that
Speaker 2: you know there once upon a time there was nothing,
Speaker 2: nothing exploded, and.
Speaker 3: Then I want to see how that happens by the way.
Speaker 2: You can convince yourself with that consciously, But your unconscious
Speaker 2: says that's not true. That doesn't match up with reality.
Speaker 2: Something can't come from nothing. Order doesn't come from chaos.
Speaker 2: It goes the other way around chaos. You have to
Speaker 2: order and then chaos. So every atheist their unconscious mind
Speaker 2: knows that all the precepts that they believe is completely wrong.
Speaker 2: But as we talked about last time, you're unconscious is
Speaker 2: your friend. Your unconscious just wants you to match up
Speaker 2: with reality, so it cant's little. It's always tapping you
Speaker 2: as an atheist, saying, you know that's not right. You
Speaker 2: know that one species doesn't come another species. You know
Speaker 2: the life can't come from non life. So you have
Speaker 2: two choices. You can either listen to your unconscious, which
Speaker 2: is ninety percent of your brain, and say, well, okay,
Speaker 2: put me in the right direction. Or you can fight
Speaker 2: against it. But again, you're fighting against a nine hundred
Speaker 2: pound gorilla. You're here, You're fighting against ninety percent of
Speaker 2: your brain, and it's going to keep poking at you.
Speaker 2: Like if you remember the line from The Matrix when
Speaker 2: Morpheus confronted Neil for the first time and he says,
Speaker 2: there's something's wrong. You don't know what it is, but
Speaker 2: it's like a splinter in your mind driving you mad.
Speaker 2: That's them. They there's that splinter in their mind driving
Speaker 2: them mad. So what do they do. They don't know
Speaker 2: that that thing that's making them angry is their unconscious.
Speaker 2: They think it's me. As a Christian, they think it's God.
Speaker 2: They think it's a church. So they go and they
Speaker 2: confront me because they think if they can defeat me
Speaker 2: or in an argument or a Christian in an argument.
Speaker 2: It's going to make them happy? Is that y'ad will
Speaker 2: tell you everything we do is to be happy. They
Speaker 2: just want to be happy. They want that scratch in
Speaker 2: the back of their mind to go away. They want
Speaker 2: that itch, that splinter to stop. And they think, if
Speaker 2: I get into an argument with a Christian and I
Speaker 2: defeat them because I'm smarter than them or I'm a
Speaker 2: better debater, is going to I'll finally be happy. But
Speaker 2: what happens is, let's say they do confront a Believer
Speaker 2: and the believer maybe isn't very wise, and they and
Speaker 2: they just intimidate them, a bully them, and they conquer
Speaker 2: the Christian. They will be happy for about a couple
Speaker 2: of minutes. Then the next thing you know, they're onto
Speaker 2: another Christian website. Because after they've beaten the Christian, they're
Speaker 2: unconscious still saying you know you're wrong, you know you're wrong, say,
Speaker 2: have got to keep going. So the dirty trick I
Speaker 2: pull on them is I tell them exactly what I
Speaker 2: just said. I said that your unconscious knows the truth
Speaker 2: and until you confront it, you will never be happy.
Speaker 2: The problem is that their unconscious was treating them like
Speaker 2: they were innocent. They were, but now now that I've
Speaker 2: said that to them, now they're unconscious knows that they
Speaker 2: know who the right really is. So now the unconscious
Speaker 2: is going to ramp up even more on them, and
Speaker 2: they're going to be even more miserable because now they
Speaker 2: know the truth. Now they don't they can't plead innocent
Speaker 2: to their unconscious. Now that unconscious says, wait a minute,
Speaker 2: you know that it's you and versus me, and now
Speaker 2: and you're still doing this wrong thing. You're still going
Speaker 2: after other people in this belief system. So the whole
Speaker 2: point of that of that example is to say that
Speaker 2: when you're dealing with a bully, the bully's problem is
Speaker 2: not with you. The bullies' problems with themselves. They are
Speaker 2: not fighting you, they're fighting their own conscious. So that,
Speaker 2: like you just said, if they intimidate you, tell you
Speaker 2: you're wrong, you're ugly, you're you're stupid, they'll get that
Speaker 2: smile like John talked about for a minute. But what
Speaker 2: happens next They have to bully again because that happiness
Speaker 2: that they thought they were getting is not sustainable because
Speaker 2: they're not dealing with the true problem and the true
Speaker 2: problem is not you or anyone else they're managing. It's there,
Speaker 2: it's in their own mind.
Speaker 4: They're all unconscious.
Speaker 2: So that's why an unconscious confrontation is so powerful, because
Speaker 2: you're getting you by doing that and getting through the
Speaker 2: root of the problem, and they're not. They're just dealing
Speaker 2: with them on the surface. They're dealing with effects, but
Speaker 2: the cause is the unconscious.
Speaker 3: Can I say too that I think that little, you know,
Speaker 3: the fight between the conscious and the unconscious, I think
Speaker 3: that happens for a lot of people too, when they're
Speaker 3: trying to figure out like what their strengths are, what
Speaker 3: their purposes, you know whatever. And there's so many people
Speaker 3: that have that like internal struggle and internal disagreement because
Speaker 3: you got that little voice in the back of your
Speaker 3: head going, you know what you are really great at,
Speaker 3: you know, finances or analytical stuff, or you're really good
Speaker 3: at helping people or whatever, and you're fighting against it
Speaker 3: consciously because you're like, oh, I don't want to listen
Speaker 3: to that, I don't want to do that. I don't
Speaker 3: I'm not interested in like using my skills to help
Speaker 3: somebody else whatever. And so you're just constantly like at
Speaker 3: war inside yourself because you're not listening to the messages
Speaker 3: that you're being given. I like to say that it's
Speaker 3: God in my brain to tell me when i'm, you know,
Speaker 3: fighting against His will and his way.
Speaker 4: Well, as a Christian, you're right, you have access to that, okay,
Speaker 4: But if you're not a Christian, you don't have access
Speaker 4: to that. So you're actually right about that. But so
Speaker 4: you've seen the symbol like when people put two hands together,
Speaker 4: like they'll say namaste or whatever like this, what that
Speaker 4: really symbolizes is both halves of your brain conscious and unconscious.
Speaker 4: And so if you think about it, everybody is feeling
Speaker 4: tension when they're unconscious and conscious are not in agreement.
Speaker 4: Everybody's feeling peace or harmony when they're conscious and they're
Speaker 4: unconscious or in agreement. So the essence of counseling is
Speaker 4: you talk to a person they have some disagreement unconsciously consciously,
Speaker 4: and then if you can talk to them consciously to
Speaker 4: get them to align with their unconscious feel better. Right,
Speaker 4: if you talk to them in a way that puts
Speaker 4: distance between these two, you're gonna feel worse and unconscious
Speaker 4: confrontation puts a distance for the exact reason ed said,
Speaker 4: so your unconscious assumes the best about you. It's like
Speaker 4: a puppy dog. It's gonna follow your commands. So what
Speaker 4: happens is it assumes the best. So even when someone's
Speaker 4: bullying somebody, the unconscious sits there and goes, well, they
Speaker 4: don't really mean to do that. They don't know they're
Speaker 4: doing that, and it may not be wrong, and they're
Speaker 4: probably okay with someone doing that to them. So I'm
Speaker 4: not gonna do anything to them. And people get really
Speaker 4: mad when I say that, and I'm like, they do
Speaker 4: not know that. So my most famous example is we
Speaker 4: have this example happen. This is so I'm gonna teach
Speaker 4: one specific unconscious confrontation that the guy I teach with,
Speaker 4: Jonathan would say is the most power one, and the
Speaker 4: most powerful example was he was coaching a guy who
Speaker 4: used an unconscious confrontation to get his eleven year old
Speaker 4: daughter to share. She was not sharing. He used an
Speaker 4: unconscious confronation. She shared, and she was getting bullied by
Speaker 4: a boy at school, and so he taught her this
Speaker 4: response and she used it. So the bully came up,
Speaker 4: this boy and bullied her, and she said to the boy,
Speaker 4: would it be okay if I did this to you.
Speaker 4: So what she's saying now is she's doing everything Ed said.
Speaker 4: The heart of the issue is this, the bully's unconscious
Speaker 4: thinks the best about him. And now what she did
Speaker 4: was she asked a question that the person's conscious in
Speaker 4: front of their unconscious to remove that mercy that person's
Speaker 4: experience of the unconscious. Because if this person says, yeah,
Speaker 4: it's okay if you did that to me, then every
Speaker 4: time he ever got mad that someone did that to him,
Speaker 4: because his unconscious has a record of all that, he's
Speaker 4: gonna get these internal spankings. If he says no, then
Speaker 4: the unconscious goes, wait a minute, everything you ever did
Speaker 4: to somebody, you're gonna get spankings for. So they're not
Speaker 4: going to answer. And the key is is to change
Speaker 4: the subject or walk away because the unconscious is sitting
Speaker 4: there waiting for the conscious answer. If you turn around
Speaker 4: and go, well it's not fine and you're a bad person,
Speaker 4: they're unconscious, Oh, you're a bad person. And so it's
Speaker 4: like you set a bomb and then you diffused it.
Speaker 4: So I talk about when she sits there and says,
Speaker 4: would it be okay if I did that? To you,
Speaker 4: he doesn't say anything. She walks away, and he reported
Speaker 4: her for bullying him. Now why because when she walked
Speaker 4: away and he would answer it, his unconscious smacked him
Speaker 4: so hard it felt like he got bullied. And then
Speaker 4: I'll how did she bully you? I asked him this question.
Speaker 4: It doesn't make any sense, but I felt this tremendous
Speaker 4: bulliyeing that was your own unconscious. So he removed the
Speaker 4: mercy that this person's unconscious. So that's what I do online,
Speaker 4: is these people are taking these shots, and what I
Speaker 4: do is I ask a question that removes their unconscious
Speaker 4: mercy towards them, and now they got to deal with
Speaker 4: with their unconscious. And it's a real simple question, like
Speaker 4: would it be okay if I did that to you?
Speaker 4: Would it be okay if they did that to you?
Speaker 4: Would it be okay if I did that to your kid?
Speaker 4: I did that to a coach once. You know, there
Speaker 4: was a coach who was just beating my son, and
Speaker 4: I said, do you think you are helping him? There
Speaker 4: isn't a massive unconscious confrontation because if you say no,
Speaker 4: you're unconscious to go, well, then you're guilty. So of
Speaker 4: course he goes, yes, I am okay, do you think
Speaker 4: football is more important than life? Well? No, I said,
Speaker 4: that's great. Then when your daughter turns sixteen, I'm going
Speaker 4: to walk up to and scream at her about stuff
Speaker 4: in life because I'm going to be helping her.
Speaker 3: He not like that, what what.
Speaker 4: You bully my son? The way you're teaching them football,
Speaker 4: I should be able to teach your daughter to If
Speaker 4: that's helping my son, then I can help your daughter
Speaker 4: the same way. You know.
Speaker 3: That made me think about like a lot of the
Speaker 3: schools that have a zero tolerance policy for bullying, and
Speaker 3: so the person that is on the receiving end of
Speaker 3: the bullying will often get expelled with the bully right,
Speaker 3: and the school in turn bullies the students doubly. And
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like, okay, so this kid pushed my
Speaker 3: kid like down the stairs, and my kid got hurt
Speaker 3: and expelled because they got shoved down the stairs by
Speaker 3: someone else, and then you expel them both, and so
Speaker 3: you punish them both for something that they were an
Speaker 3: innocent part in. And I'm like, so you're being a
Speaker 3: bully too, because.
Speaker 4: You just want you now And I'm talking to the
Speaker 4: administrator you just want to make your life easy. And
Speaker 4: you're right, you double bullied. And so this kind of
Speaker 4: brings up a side topic. So I say, there's well,
Speaker 4: there's a guy, doctor Russell A. Koff, who says there's
Speaker 4: four ways to approach a problem. So the first way
Speaker 4: is absolved. Ignore it. Maybe it'll go away, won't. So
Speaker 4: somebody bullies somebody, I ignore it as a teacher that
Speaker 4: that's not going away. Yeah, there's resolve, and resolve is
Speaker 4: to treat effects. So that's punish and reward. So if
Speaker 4: you use punish and reward to change behavior, you really
Speaker 4: treating someone like an animal. Right, there's so like Pavlovs
Speaker 4: dogs exactly. So there's solved, and that's treating the tangible causes.
Speaker 4: This is the whole procedure of like we're going to
Speaker 4: put the bully through this whole process to retrain them.
Speaker 4: And the thing is is, I'm a chemist and chemical engineer.
Speaker 4: Stave works great for inanimate objects. You when you solve
Speaker 4: a problem on a car, it.
Speaker 3: Works, right, But here's hopefully here's hopefully right.
Speaker 4: It's possible. Here's the issue in the world. So this
Speaker 4: is this is why the world is getting worse every
Speaker 4: time you solve a problem involving people, you create three
Speaker 4: more problems, and the overall stress of your solution is
Speaker 4: worse than than from the original problem. So what we're
Speaker 4: doing is humans, is we're solving people problems and making
Speaker 4: three more problems and solving those that are making nine more
Speaker 4: and solved more, making twenty seven more. So like, what
Speaker 4: are we supposed to do? John, You're supposed to dissolve problems,
Speaker 4: and dissolve is to treat the intangible cause. So the
Speaker 4: example you just gave made this problem worse, it's really resolved.
Speaker 4: And the example that I love to talk about is Solomon.
Speaker 4: So in the Bible, Solomon asked God for wisdom to
Speaker 4: rule his people, and God says, you know what you
Speaker 4: could ask for, riches, long life, You could ask for
Speaker 4: all this stuff. You ask for wisdom to help these people.
Speaker 4: So I'm gonna give you all these effects, but I'm
Speaker 4: gonna give you this cause, the very and that cause
Speaker 4: is called Mada. God gives him Mada m A d a,
Speaker 4: And it's godly wisdom, it's it's flow, it's godly wisdom.
Speaker 4: So the very next story is two women show up
Speaker 4: with one baby and they say this is my baby. No,
Speaker 4: the other one says, this is my baby. So Solomon
Speaker 4: could have absolved, ignore it, go away. He could have resolved,
Speaker 4: which is what you're talking about. He could have killed
Speaker 4: them both. There, problem solved. That's what that that zero
Speaker 4: to Holarts policy solve is. He could do what we do,
Speaker 4: which is a trial interview all these people, interview all
Speaker 4: these people, get all the facts together, and say the
Speaker 4: baby is this woman's baby? Now, how good are we
Speaker 4: at trials?
Speaker 5: Not?
Speaker 4: And think about what could all happen there. Some people
Speaker 4: probably got coursed. We could give a baby paid off.
Speaker 4: We give the baby the wrong person. We find out
Speaker 4: years later, and you know they have a birthmark or something,
Speaker 4: or the one the one mom still trying out to
Speaker 4: get the other one, or this this group is trying
Speaker 4: to get this group. This is gonna make it three
Speaker 4: times worse. So what does Solomon do. He dissolves. He goes,
Speaker 4: cut the baby in half and give half to half
Speaker 4: each woman. And the one woman goes, great, do it,
Speaker 4: and the other woman goes, don't give the baby there.
Speaker 4: And Solomon goes, now I know for sure whose mom
Speaker 4: it is. And the last sentence of that chapter in
Speaker 4: kings is and all of Israel was amazed that Solomon
Speaker 4: had the wisdom of God. Meaning this, everybody went, Solomon's
Speaker 4: a smart guy. But that answer wasn't a human answer. Right.
Speaker 4: In the Bible, God never solved the problem with people.
Speaker 4: God always dissolved the problem. If we want to make
Speaker 4: the world better, we should be dissolving problems, which comes
Speaker 4: from God intervening. You were talking about earlier, God intervening
Speaker 4: to you. As a Christian, you have the ability to dissolve.
Speaker 4: And what's happening is is it's counterintuitive. Dissolve is always counterintuitive.
Speaker 4: The Bible always presents dissolve. And the issue is as
Speaker 4: we as humans yet bring ourselves to be counterintuitive, especially
Speaker 4: in groups, we're always going to go back to solve
Speaker 4: and resolve. So the world could be great if we
Speaker 4: dissolved that all anybody wants to do is solve and resolve. Right.
Speaker 2: Well, just a little bit of clarification that that intangible cause,
Speaker 2: Like John said, dissolve means when you deal with the
Speaker 2: intangible cause. So the intangible cause was this one woman
Speaker 2: hated the other woman. That was more than I said.
Speaker 2: That was the intangible cause. So basically, what's some what
Speaker 2: was doing. The wisdom of God was, Okay, the intengible
Speaker 2: cause is one woman hates the other because obviously, if
Speaker 2: if you are trying to take someone else's baby, you
Speaker 2: have a problem with that person. So let me let
Speaker 2: me put up a situation where the woman who is
Speaker 2: in the wrong would feel what would be happy? She'd
Speaker 2: be happy if you cut the baby and hald because
Speaker 2: that would hurt the other woman. So Slimon said, okay,
Speaker 2: which one of you wants to has the hurt in
Speaker 2: her heart? And that's what he that's what he dealt
Speaker 2: with now with the baby. The baby was was an effect.
Speaker 2: The cause was one woman wants to hurt the other woman.
Speaker 2: So Solomon said, I want to provide an opportunity to
Speaker 2: hurt the hurt the real mother in the worst way possible.
Speaker 2: Right that when I got killing the child.
Speaker 4: Right, and so to bring this full circle, the intangible
Speaker 4: driver is the intangible cause. So when I go into
Speaker 4: the schools, when you deal with the person this kid
Speaker 4: isn't focusing, I can solve it by doing all these
Speaker 4: focus exercises and all this stuff. When we can spend
Speaker 4: the next three weeks of focusing, or I could talk
Speaker 4: to the kid in his uniqueckness, and now he doesn't
Speaker 4: even deal with the focusing issue because now he's focused
Speaker 4: and he never has to address it. So that's why
Speaker 4: the intangible drivers is so important. It's really the way
Speaker 4: to dissolve eighty percent of the issues we have with
Speaker 4: other people.
Speaker 3: And I think what you said there hit the nail
Speaker 3: on the head, because people really just want to be heard, right.
Speaker 3: They want to feel like someone's listening, like they're a
Speaker 3: part of something.
Speaker 2: They want to be happy.
Speaker 3: Our society is so lazy and complacent at raising our kids,
Speaker 3: talking to our kids, teaching our kids things, you know,
Speaker 3: to speaking to your neighbor. We're we're terrible at being humans, right,
Speaker 3: And so when you.
Speaker 4: Have that operation deplorable, aren't we? Yes?
Speaker 3: We are. When you have that opportunity to let somebody
Speaker 3: be vulnerable enough to share something with you, things go
Speaker 3: away on their own. People get but hurt and angry
Speaker 3: and irritated and whatnot when they feel like how they
Speaker 3: feel doesn't matter, or what they say or think doesn't matter.
Speaker 3: And so eliminating those barriers in communication helps tremendously.
Speaker 4: I completely agree, And I think the thing is is
Speaker 4: that we have gotten further and further away from understanding
Speaker 4: what it is to be human, and everything we're being
Speaker 4: taught is that we're robots. And this is ultimately we
Speaker 4: knew how to engage our unconscious brain, which is ninety
Speaker 4: percent of our brain. We now get all this information
Speaker 4: that treats us like we're only conscious brain. Psychology believes
Speaker 4: we're only conscious brain. And anybody, when anybody tells me
Speaker 4: their approach to helping somebody within three questions, I can
Speaker 4: show them, your model is where a conscious brain. Your
Speaker 4: model is where a robot your model, and it makes
Speaker 4: people worse. The reason why mental health and all the
Speaker 4: stuff that's getting worse is we're getting better and better
Speaker 4: at treating people like robots and not human.
Speaker 3: One hundred percent. I have a I just did a
Speaker 3: show yesterday on mental health, and the mental health community
Speaker 3: makes me shudder these days because instead of you know,
Speaker 3: getting to the root cause and why you feel the
Speaker 3: way that you feel, and you know what's causing your
Speaker 3: behavior and things like that, it's codifying and putting their
Speaker 3: shitty behavior on a pedestal, right, and it's like, oh, well,
Speaker 3: it's okay for you to act this way because you
Speaker 3: are depressed or you have oppositional defiant disorder, or you
Speaker 3: are this label and certain label here, And so they're
Speaker 3: giving them an excuse and a crutch to carry with
Speaker 3: them every day throughout life to explain away their bad
Speaker 3: behavior without ever solving the issue.
Speaker 4: And that's not.
Speaker 3: Solving to solving.
Speaker 4: That's treating people like a robot. Yes, wiring this way,
Speaker 4: We're not gonna be able to change the wiring. Let's
Speaker 4: try to cope with with the wiring you have. That's
Speaker 4: blatantly what that's treating. Now, when I you said if
Speaker 4: the mental health people make you shudder, I completely agree
Speaker 4: with that. And what I do again my process, what's
Speaker 4: your definition of mental health? So I've asked that and
Speaker 4: ninety five percent of people will not answer that question.
Speaker 4: And that's the thing is is I'll ask it to
Speaker 4: people who are who all these.
Speaker 3: Who are mental health professionals.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and experts, you know. Tony Robbins twice posted on
Speaker 4: LinkedIn about mental health. Both times I wrote to his post,
Speaker 4: what's your definition of mental health? And both times he
Speaker 4: took down the post. So the thing is is that
Speaker 4: the definition of mental health according to the World Health
Speaker 4: Organization and all these other places is not having a
Speaker 4: bad thought or feeling.
Speaker 3: Which is not It goes against human nature.
Speaker 4: I was just gonna say, Janet, do you ever have
Speaker 4: a bad thought or feeling?
Speaker 3: Of course, absolutely, I'm human.
Speaker 4: We all do. So two things there. Number one is
Speaker 4: is that definition is again robot. Second of all, if
Speaker 4: that's your goal, do you think it can ever be
Speaker 4: successful at it well?
Speaker 3: And making it so broad and so vague like that, right,
Speaker 3: you can literally die diagnose every person on the planet
Speaker 3: as having a mental health disorder that they can in
Speaker 3: turn treat and rope you into the pharmac system.
Speaker 4: Right, So with that definition, you can never make progress.
Speaker 4: It's unbelievable. The definition of mental health, and this goes
Speaker 4: back to the last episode. We said there's four thought processes.
Speaker 4: The worst one is dysregulation. Then there's regulation, which is
Speaker 4: like the addictive habitual. Then there's self regulation, which is focused,
Speaker 4: and then we flow over to this ten thought process.
Speaker 4: The definition of mental health ought to be the ability
Speaker 4: to repair your thought process to get your back to
Speaker 4: self regulation. So C. S. Lewis said, a live body
Speaker 4: is not one that never gets hurt, it's one that's
Speaker 4: able to repair itself. Mental health is I am going
Speaker 4: to experience bad thoughts and bad feelings, but I can
Speaker 4: repair myself. I help people achieve that. So I am
Speaker 4: very successu full with mental health helping people with it
Speaker 4: because I help people repair their own thought process.
Speaker 3: One hundred and there needs to be more of that
Speaker 3: because and I'm gonna bang on them until they stop
Speaker 3: doing this. But the mental health community is all about
Speaker 3: and now it's it's moved in a disturbing trend where,
Speaker 3: like I said, they're codifying behaviors and uplifting behaviors by
Speaker 3: giving people a crutch. But also the people who claim
Speaker 3: to be therapists are inserting their own personal beliefs and
Speaker 3: values into that patient. Right, well, I think I'm pretty
Speaker 3: sure your transgender. I'm pretty sure you're you know x
Speaker 3: y Z. I'm pretty sure that you believe in, you know,
Speaker 3: whatever it is, because that is the therapist belief system
Speaker 3: that they are now instilling in their patients, and that
Speaker 3: has no place in therapy like at ever.
Speaker 4: Right So, man, I'm gonna forget the word. Maybe it'll
Speaker 4: come to me as I explain this. But I have
Speaker 4: worked with several psychologists, but only one has been willing
Speaker 4: to share with people that they worked with me and
Speaker 4: when when this psychologist, doctor Eleanor Harper, she actually wrote
Speaker 4: the opening to The Intangible You, which is our book
Speaker 4: about the intangible drivers. When she learned this information, she
Speaker 4: said that that this would solve what you're talking about.
Speaker 4: So there's a there's a term in psychology that's it's
Speaker 4: it's I am putting my thoughts and feelings on you,
Speaker 4: and I'm allowing your thoughts and feelings to affect me
Speaker 4: and I and it's protect something. It's not projecting, but
Speaker 4: it's something encounter something. I'm forgetting that. It's like mirroring, right,
Speaker 4: But there's a there's a term for both ways, and
Speaker 4: everybody knows that that's that happens. So they write in
Speaker 4: these books like this much information to stop transference transference
Speaker 4: encounter transference is what it's called. And so they write
Speaker 4: like this, and she goes, intangible drivers would make that
Speaker 4: a page because what happens is your compassion server. So
Speaker 4: if I say something, it's really easy for you, Janet
Speaker 4: to go, wait a minute, I'm feeling this right now, right?
Speaker 4: Is John feeling that?
Speaker 3: Or am I feeling what John's feeling?
Speaker 4: Based Well, I'm compassion server. That sounds like a teacher thing.
Speaker 4: That's John's feelings, and so you're able to not allow
Speaker 4: that transference because then the counter transference is, like you said,
Speaker 4: you go the other way. And when you understand who
Speaker 4: I am as a human and you understand who you
Speaker 4: are as a counselor as a human, then it settles
Speaker 4: that transfer into account of transfers. But without that, that
Speaker 4: is a big, humongous issue. I didn't know exist until
Speaker 4: she taught it to me. That's a big issue in counseling.
Speaker 4: And so what does it make you have to do? Robot? Robot?
Speaker 4: I don't have any uniqueness. You don't have any uniqueness.
Speaker 4: Tell me your issues in a logical way, and I
Speaker 4: will solve them in a logical way. And it doesn't
Speaker 4: matter if I talk to you Janet or Ed, even
Speaker 4: though you two have two different uniquenesses. I am going
Speaker 4: to solve your problems the same way. I get in
Speaker 4: trouble with a woman who runs a counseling service up
Speaker 4: in Wisconsin, and she said, John, this is all we do.
Speaker 4: We ask people tell me all your issues, and we
Speaker 4: listen them all out, and then we say which ones
Speaker 4: of these do you want to keep? And which one
Speaker 4: do you want to leave by the curb? And it's
Speaker 4: like it didn't matter who the person was. It's just
Speaker 4: a process. This is the process for counseling. You're a computer,
Speaker 4: you're a robot. You have this information in your memory.
Speaker 4: Let's dump your memory. Dump, Let's figure out which things
Speaker 4: you want to keep, what things you want to go.
Speaker 4: I did my job, I'm awesome.
Speaker 3: Well and see that. That is the whole problem with
Speaker 3: our whole entire medical approach to things. We are all unique,
Speaker 3: we are all very different, our makeup is very different,
Speaker 3: and one thing does not cure everyone's problem, whether it's
Speaker 3: mental health, whether it's physical health. That it's not a
Speaker 3: canned answer or response that's going to help anybody else.
Speaker 2: You know, one thing, one thing you brought up, and
Speaker 2: it goes back into the you know, when you solve
Speaker 2: a problem, you created three more. You talk about the
Speaker 2: whole transgender thing, and this is people trying to be nice.
Speaker 2: They're saying, okay, well, you you have multiple genders. You
Speaker 2: don't know you know, you know you're you're a male,
Speaker 2: you believe you want to be a female, or vice versa,
Speaker 2: and so okay, well, what we'll do is we'll have
Speaker 2: everybody be nice to them and they can use exactine
Speaker 2: whatever bathroom they want. Isn't that the nice thing to do?
Speaker 2: But what they do they then have created three more problems.
Speaker 2: Now you have well, wait a minute, I don't want
Speaker 2: a biological man going into the same restroom as my daughter,
Speaker 2: my little girl.
Speaker 4: That's a problem.
Speaker 2: I don't want this man who has, you know, a
Speaker 2: musculature of a male in a boxing ring with a
Speaker 2: female boxer. So you've created a bunch of problem. But
Speaker 2: it was done not to be mean, or you weren't.
Speaker 2: It's the opposite.
Speaker 4: You were trying.
Speaker 2: People were trying to solve this problem by saying transgender
Speaker 2: people have it rough. Let's be nicer to them, and
Speaker 2: let's give them these certain rights and rules. But again
Speaker 2: it results in, you know, multiple more problems because they're
Speaker 2: not getting again down to the actual intangible causes.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 2: But what we do is it's also a form of
Speaker 2: bullying because now if you object to say, hey, you
Speaker 2: know I have a problem man being in the bathroom
Speaker 2: with my with my little girl, you're evil, you're a bigot,
Speaker 2: you're transphobic.
Speaker 4: That's so what do you want?
Speaker 2: I don't want to be that way.
Speaker 4: So what do they've intimidated you. They've intimidated you, And
Speaker 4: again we're back to the robot thing. It goes back
Speaker 4: to this idea. Aristotle said, if you know to do right,
Speaker 4: you'll do right. So that's what these people believe is is, hey,
Speaker 4: if you know the right thing to do, you'll do it.
Speaker 4: And I always say to people, so if I tell
Speaker 4: you the right way to eat and the right way
Speaker 4: to exercise, you change your behavior tomorrow right now. So
Speaker 4: then so then they point that out the Aristotle and
Speaker 4: he goes, well, it's a weakness of the will. Well,
Speaker 4: it's it's a bad model. We're not robots and we're
Speaker 4: going to do it's logically right. We have these uniquenesses
Speaker 4: and like you said, in the medical field, if we
Speaker 4: were to start with us having a uniqueness and then
Speaker 4: us having an unconscious brain, why are there so many
Speaker 4: side effects? And they're so differ with uniqueness. Your body
Speaker 4: is gonna talk to you a certain way if it
Speaker 4: doesn't think you should be taking this thing, and it's
Speaker 4: gonna a body's gonna talk to tim a different way,
Speaker 4: and my body's gonna talk a different way, And there
Speaker 4: is nothing physically connected between taking this pill and having
Speaker 4: this side effect it. Physically you can't draw the connection,
Speaker 4: but unconsciously you can my unconsciously to me, it doesn't
Speaker 4: like this by giving me hives, right, give it does
Speaker 4: something different. That's that's the part that we just look
Speaker 4: at people like their robots or animals, and that's what
Speaker 4: medicine has done, and we missed out on it. Whereas
Speaker 4: you've talked about this holistic approach and I talk about systems.
Speaker 4: We are not a piece this or that. There's a
Speaker 4: whole system. And so that's why to really understand the
Speaker 4: whole person is really how you truly help people. And
Speaker 4: that first step is the uniqueness. But there's so many
Speaker 4: other things too, their history, the trauma they've been through,
Speaker 4: how they programmed their unconscious brain. There's all these other things.
Speaker 4: But that's why I was really interested when Ed you know,
Speaker 4: told me about you and then we got talking. It's like, yes,
Speaker 4: that is to be holistic. It's a system. It's not
Speaker 4: You're not a robot, and I'm going to change this
Speaker 4: part in you and everything's fine.
Speaker 3: It's like a string of Christmas lights, right, you change
Speaker 3: that one bulb and everything else lights up. But that's
Speaker 3: why I love having conversations like this, because so many
Speaker 3: people are struggling. They feel lost, they don't know, you know.
Speaker 3: And again going back to somebody going into a therapy
Speaker 3: office and sitting on a couch and the therapist says,
Speaker 3: tell me what's wrong with you? And that patient, more
Speaker 3: times than not, has no idea why they fail the
Speaker 3: way they feel. They don't know why they're depressed. They
Speaker 3: don't know why they cry all the time. They can't
Speaker 3: articulate into words what it is. There's just something inside
Speaker 3: of them that makes them have all these emotions. And
Speaker 3: so how do you get a patient like that to
Speaker 3: be vulnerable, to open up and tell you when the
Speaker 3: person is telling you they don't know what's causing it.
Speaker 4: Amazing, amazing. That's exactly what's going on in mental health right.
Speaker 4: So here's the thing is the people who are going
Speaker 4: to counselors tend to be compassion people like yourself. They
Speaker 4: have all these emotions, they're overwhelmed and they need to share,
Speaker 4: but they feel guilty sharing their problems with people. If
Speaker 4: I pay someone to listen, then I don't feel guilty.
Speaker 4: So what I learned from the psychologist is is most
Speaker 4: of the people who are in long term and counseling
Speaker 4: are compassion people who are literally paying someone till they
Speaker 4: don't feel so they don't feel guilty sharing now the
Speaker 4: first and I just put this post up on LinkedIn
Speaker 4: today and Facebook and Instagram, but I will share this
Speaker 4: my first when I first walk into a classroom, so
Speaker 4: I'm dealing with kids, and I don't want these kids,
Speaker 4: you know, to to hurt themselves, to injure themselves. And
Speaker 4: that's that's my first thing I want to I want
Speaker 4: to help. I tell this story. I walk into a
Speaker 4: classroom and I say, when you feel tension, your body
Speaker 4: produces oxytocin in response to attention. Do you think that
Speaker 4: makes you feel more tension, less tension, or the same
Speaker 4: amount of tension? And the kids always say less tension,
Speaker 4: and I always say, it makes you feel more at tension.
Speaker 4: Why does your body make you feel more tension when
Speaker 4: you experience tension. It's doing that to you to do
Speaker 4: the thing that would release the tension, and that is
Speaker 4: to share. So if you don't share, then your body's
Speaker 4: gonna ramp up the tension. And if you don't share,
Speaker 4: it's gonna ramp it up more, and then you double
Speaker 4: down and it's gonna really ramp it up, and then
Speaker 4: you're gonna decide, I got no way out of this
Speaker 4: except one way. This is not good. But the sooner
Speaker 4: you share, the sooner you're gonna feel that your own
Speaker 4: body's gonna release it. And if you practice sharing right away,
Speaker 4: your body doesn't even have to stress you anymore. So
Speaker 4: the amount of stress you experience is in your control.
Speaker 4: So ultimately, we should have friends and we should share.
Speaker 4: And I saw a status is like ten years ago,
Speaker 4: and I know it's worse now with COVID, but ten
Speaker 4: years ago it said more than fifty percent of people
Speaker 4: have zero people they can share with or be vulnerable,
Speaker 4: and another twenty five percent of people have one person.
Speaker 4: So seventy five percent of people have zero or one
Speaker 4: person they can share with.
Speaker 3: And I would say that's higher now because when the
Speaker 3: whole COVID thing hit, a lot of people lost friends, family, whatever,
Speaker 3: because of beliefs.
Speaker 2: Right right, And good point is because you're used to
Speaker 2: self isolating, right.
Speaker 4: Good point. So things are worse now because people have
Speaker 4: less people to share. And the number one way to
Speaker 4: relieve that tension that everybody's feeling is to share. So
Speaker 4: you either pay a counselor so you don't feel guilty sharing,
Speaker 4: or you share with somebody and they don't know how
Speaker 4: to handle your sharing and they make it worse. Right,
Speaker 4: then you learn I can't share with anybody, and so
Speaker 4: now we've forgotten how to be human.
Speaker 3: Well and one hundred percent to that. And this may
Speaker 3: sound stupid, but people literally will share with me all
Speaker 3: the time. Even if I'm at the grocery store, I
Speaker 3: don't know them, they will come up and they will
Speaker 3: just whatever needs to come out. I'm that person and
Speaker 3: I love being that person for people. And people are
Speaker 3: always say why don't you charge for that? Why don't
Speaker 3: you charge for your time? Because that is not my purpose.
Speaker 3: My purpose is to be that person that can listen
Speaker 3: to somebody being vulnerable. They can say thank you, I
Speaker 3: feel so much better, and then they can go on
Speaker 3: with their day and be happy.
Speaker 2: Keep keep this in mind, Jen, is something that that
Speaker 2: you John was saying early on. One of the reasons
Speaker 2: that that releases the tension is because you're unconscious, doesn't
Speaker 2: know what you're thinking until you say it out loud, right,
Speaker 2: So when you talk, so when that person talks to
Speaker 2: you or to trift there, but there anyone else there.
Speaker 2: Unconscious is releasing tensions. Say okay, now I finally know
Speaker 2: what you're thinking. And I want to back up to
Speaker 2: something you said a few minutes ago. Like someone will
Speaker 2: go to a therapist and they don't know why they're depressed. Well,
Speaker 2: that depression comes from their unconscious mind. Non conscious mind
Speaker 2: does not Your unconscious does not speak to you in words.
Speaker 2: It speaks to you in feelings. So you just feel
Speaker 2: all I know is I feel like I want to
Speaker 2: go be asleep all the time. I just want to
Speaker 2: just not do anythings. That's your unconscious. Uh, that's where
Speaker 2: the depression is coming from. So how do you how
Speaker 2: do you figure it out? Well, this is something that
Speaker 2: actually John taught me that you have to basically play
Speaker 2: charades with your unconscious or horrifully, have someone with you
Speaker 2: who understands and can play your raise with you. And
Speaker 2: I'll say, Okay, what's what's got you down?
Speaker 4: I don't know?
Speaker 2: Okay, Well is it home or work?
Speaker 4: It's work? Okay.
Speaker 2: At work, is it a coworker or your boss? It's
Speaker 2: a boss. And every time you give the right answer,
Speaker 2: you're you're unconscious gives you positive feelings, so you're coming
Speaker 2: out of that. So it's my boss, okay?
Speaker 4: Is it?
Speaker 2: Your boss? Is your boss bullying you or to giving
Speaker 2: you too much? They give me too much to do? Okay,
Speaker 2: So now you're getting to the root of it. Your
Speaker 2: reason you're us it's because you feel overworked, and your
Speaker 2: conscious says, yes, that's why I'm dragging you down, because
Speaker 2: you're overworked and you need to ask your boss for
Speaker 2: a break.
Speaker 4: You didn't know that.
Speaker 2: All you know is you feel down. But by playing
Speaker 2: that charades game with someone and they just keep going,
Speaker 2: they start broad and narrow it down home or work
Speaker 2: work boss or co worker boss, you know, bullying or
Speaker 2: too much work? That is that is That is a
Speaker 2: technique that you and another person can use playing charades
Speaker 2: with your unconscious mind to really figure out why you're depressed,
Speaker 2: why you're down, why you're feeling anxious and anxiety, because
Speaker 2: that's that's the only way your unconscious communicates with you.
Speaker 2: I feel nervous, I feel anxious, I feel down. But
Speaker 2: it doesn't tell you that you're feeling down because you
Speaker 2: feel overworked and you need to ask for a vacation.
Speaker 4: It can't take.
Speaker 2: You have to figure that out yourself.
Speaker 4: Yah. So your unconscious it responds with energy juicing you
Speaker 4: or draining you. So when you throw those answers, it doesn't.
Speaker 4: I want to go back into what you're talking about,
Speaker 4: going to the store, to your compassion server. You want
Speaker 4: to know, oh, what other people are feeling, and you
Speaker 4: want to bear their pain. There's a couple of things
Speaker 4: going on here. Number one, it's unconscious, right, So our
Speaker 4: unconscious is communicating through our facial expressions. So I will
Speaker 4: tell married couples, I'll ask them how often do you
Speaker 4: sit face to face with your spouse? And it's not
Speaker 4: a lot of time. And I say, now, if you
Speaker 4: like each other, don't do this if you don't like
Speaker 4: each other, But if you like each other, spend fifteen
Speaker 4: minutes sitting face to face. Because what happens when you
Speaker 4: sit face to face with someone you like is while
Speaker 4: you're talking about the weather or whatever, your unconscious goes,
Speaker 4: I really like you, and this conscious goes, I really
Speaker 4: like you, And it's doing the work for you. Right
Speaker 4: you're walking through that store, you are set a message
Speaker 4: through your face that hey, I'm a safe person, I
Speaker 4: can I can bear pain. People look around and they go.
Speaker 3: Yep, they do man.
Speaker 4: And you probably have examples of people walking by other
Speaker 4: people to talk to you and you don't even know you.
Speaker 4: All the time, their unconscious is going that person I've
Speaker 4: already communicated and face to face with them, that person
Speaker 4: will bear your pain. Now. The second thing you're doing
Speaker 4: is you you know how to listen to people's story.
Speaker 4: And what I say is is mirror a less negative emotion.
Speaker 3: Absolutely all you have to do.
Speaker 4: Excuse me, when someone says something to you and shares
Speaker 4: you don't go, well, why what you expect to happen?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 4: No, ever, there are people out there that's how they
Speaker 4: Why are you bothering me with this? It's like I
Speaker 4: just shared with you. When you share, when someone shares
Speaker 4: their story with you, they're letting you become a part
Speaker 4: of their brain because this experience now is attached to
Speaker 4: the story in their brain, and the emotion's either going
Speaker 4: to get better or worse if you talk to them
Speaker 4: in a terrible fashion. And that's what we do on
Speaker 4: the internet. It's like, my emotion now has gotten worse,
Speaker 4: and so but when they talk to you, you're like, wow,
Speaker 4: sorry that happened you that wasn't your fault? You shouldn't.
Speaker 4: You're saying something that when they put that emotion, that
Speaker 4: that event back in their brain with what they shared
Speaker 4: with you, you made that emotion less negative. Right, now
Speaker 4: gets easier for them to share versus you think about
Speaker 4: women who get assaulted and the first person they tell
Speaker 4: is like their mom, and their mom goes what you
Speaker 4: expect you dress like that, they now feel worse about
Speaker 4: the assault than just the assault. They're less likely to
Speaker 4: share it with anybody. So all these me too's where
Speaker 4: they go, how can you waited seventeen years to share?
Speaker 4: I'll tell you why, because the first two or three
Speaker 4: times they shared seventeen years ago, they got yelled at,
Speaker 4: they got a more negative emotion, and now it's less
Speaker 4: likely they're ever going to share them.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: And it's not just you know, sometimes the people that
Speaker 3: will bully you in situations like that, the worst are
Speaker 3: family members, and then authorities do it too. Well, you
Speaker 3: must have done something to deserve it. You must have
Speaker 3: been drinking, you must have blah blah blah. Telehealthcare professional,
Speaker 3: well did you ever bother to do a rape kit?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 3: And it's this long line of people that have such
Speaker 3: a negative attitude about them because of what you were
Speaker 3: trying to share. And I think going back to what
Speaker 3: you said about the eye contact with the couples, not
Speaker 3: just with your partner, but with your children as well,
Speaker 3: which is so important because we oftentimes use like devices
Speaker 3: as babysitters, right, and we don't have those face to
Speaker 3: face interactions or exchanges with our kids or you know,
Speaker 3: with our partners or whatever. So we're so used to
Speaker 3: screen time now that you don't have that personal time,
Speaker 3: that personal connection, and then people wonder why their relationships
Speaker 3: with their spouse or their children are damaged.
Speaker 4: Right. And the first step that I take, and I
Speaker 4: teach this to other people and I watch other people,
Speaker 4: the first step I take when I deal with a
Speaker 4: kid is I get down to their level so that
Speaker 4: they are eye to eye. Same amazing how many adults
Speaker 4: talk to kids. And if you remember being a kid.
Speaker 3: This is it creates fear inside of them. And so
Speaker 3: that was like my favorite thing when I was still
Speaker 3: practicing nursing, was like the kids would always be drowned
Speaker 3: to me because I would literally sit down on the
Speaker 3: step of like you know, a doctor's bed always has
Speaker 3: that pull out step I would sit down and sit
Speaker 3: in front of them and look at them, and I
Speaker 3: talk to them about you know, cartoons or whatever, and
Speaker 3: you build that trust and that rapport because number one,
Speaker 3: you're looking at them right, You're on their level. You're
Speaker 3: not towering over them, so you're no longer scary. And
Speaker 3: then I could do you know, whatever test or stuff
Speaker 3: that I needed to do because they trusted me enough
Speaker 3: and they weren't fearful.
Speaker 4: So have you ever seen the TV show Lie to Me?
Speaker 3: I'm not sure.
Speaker 4: It was on like fifteen years ago. So are you
Speaker 4: family with the book blinked? Mm hmm, blink. So in
Speaker 4: that book there's a chapter on this guy. I'm trying
Speaker 4: to remember what his name is. But in the they
Speaker 4: did this TV show Lie to Me based off basically
Speaker 4: off that chapter, and the guy's name was Lightman in
Speaker 4: the TV show and in the in the pilot, it's
Speaker 4: a it's a great little scene in the pilot, but
Speaker 4: basically that entire show is about how this guy watches
Speaker 4: your face for micro expressions. So what this means is
Speaker 4: is whenever you talk to somebody, they respond immediately with
Speaker 4: their their unconscious response. They make a facial expression and
Speaker 4: then within a fifth of a second, they rein it
Speaker 4: back in. So that fifth of a second is an expression,
Speaker 4: and it's so quick. It's called a micro expression. And
Speaker 4: I teach teachers and I teach other people how to
Speaker 4: read people's micro expressions. So what you're doing is is
Speaker 4: that you're saying something and then people like, this is contempt.
Speaker 4: When you do this, you know, your nose up in
Speaker 4: your upper lip. And in the book, this guy figured
Speaker 4: out that he could predict which marriages were going to end.
Speaker 4: He videotaped couples and he would just have him talking
Speaker 4: and when one of those made that contempt face at
Speaker 4: their spouse, he's like, this marriage is get That person
Speaker 4: actually hates that person. So in the TV show, in
Speaker 4: the pilot, the guy Lightman goes to the airport and
Speaker 4: he identifies this tsa woman who is like five times
Speaker 4: is good screening people out, And he goes, you're a natural.
Speaker 4: I teach people to do what you're doing. You recognize everything.
Speaker 4: And the reason she was a natural and this is
Speaker 4: this is what happens to every traumatized kid. They're natural
Speaker 4: because a survival. But she tells the story basically, when
Speaker 4: my dad came home I needed to immediately assess this
Speaker 4: emotional state because it was bad he beat me, and
Speaker 4: it was good he would love me. So as soon
Speaker 4: as you walk in the door, I had to do
Speaker 4: a cold read and hide or go to them. And
Speaker 4: so when I go into the schools, all these kids
Speaker 4: who have had trauma and they have these issues, they
Speaker 4: all instantly read your face. So what happens is is
Speaker 4: I have a story of there was a girl in
Speaker 4: this classroom. I always showed up at this classroom like
Speaker 4: two o'clock in the afternoon on Thursdays, and ten weeks
Speaker 4: in there's this girl in the classroom. She's never there
Speaker 4: because by noon she gets kicked out of school every day,
Speaker 4: and she happened to be there at two o'clock. And
Speaker 4: the teacher goes, I want your help. You know she's here,
Speaker 4: And so we go into this little room and the
Speaker 4: girls got her head down and I'm standing there and
Speaker 4: he goes, is it okay with mister Lenhard's here? And
Speaker 4: I knew she was going to look up, She's gonna
Speaker 4: do a read. And what I teach people is what
Speaker 4: you're thinking is what comes out your face. You're always thinking,
Speaker 4: I'm a safe person. So the story you just told
Speaker 4: these kids, you get face to face, these kids look
Speaker 4: at your face and go, oh, you're a safe person.
Speaker 4: And I thought to myself, I'm a safe person. She
Speaker 4: looked up and she looked down. She goes, yeah, and
Speaker 4: I knew she was reading that. If you ever take
Speaker 4: anybody into one of these self contained EBD rooms that
Speaker 4: don't want to be there, the kids take one look
Speaker 4: at that person's face, they read that they're afraid and
Speaker 4: it it's a feeding frenzy. They go after them and
Speaker 4: they just do that. And so that's the thing I've
Speaker 4: learned is is I sit there and do the I
Speaker 4: can help you. I'm not going to hurt you. These
Speaker 4: kids look and then and they want to share. So
Speaker 4: that's that's the thing, is these kids are reading your
Speaker 4: face right away, and if they don't want to, if
Speaker 4: they don't want to talk to you, you're not a
Speaker 4: safe person.
Speaker 3: Well, and and think about like how many people that
Speaker 3: you run across on a daily basis that we'll say, oh,
Speaker 3: if you ever need anything, I'm here, you can always
Speaker 3: call me. And then you can look at their face
Speaker 3: and be like, oh no, I wouldn't be like the
Speaker 3: last person that I would call and how many people
Speaker 3: are in our lives that are that are literally like that,
Speaker 3: that are very disingenuous in there in their words.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So that's that's the thing that we're trying to
Speaker 4: you know, it's it's being human again, it's accounting for
Speaker 4: this person is unique. They have a story. I'm a
Speaker 4: safe place. You can tell me a story. Not Hey,
Speaker 4: you're a you're a car, you're a robot. Let me
Speaker 4: diagnose the part in you that's wrong, and then let
Speaker 4: me just tell you how to adjust to that part
Speaker 4: and then get moving on. I'll talk to the next person.
Speaker 4: That's That's essentially what we've lost. We've lost that ability
Speaker 4: to be human.
Speaker 3: And I think that's a a huge problem. And like
Speaker 3: I said, even from you know, Infancy Toddler ears things
Speaker 3: like that, the loss of that intimacy and that human
Speaker 3: connection that parents have with their kids, I think it's
Speaker 3: creating a much bigger problem than what we see because
Speaker 3: we're too tired. I don't want to have to like
Speaker 3: put down my phone. I don't want to have to
Speaker 3: put down my work that I'm doing to deal with
Speaker 3: my child. You know whatever, We'll just let the school
Speaker 3: handle it. We'll let we'll let their dad handle it
Speaker 3: when he comes home, you know. And it's like we
Speaker 3: put off the kids, and then we wonder why they're
Speaker 3: confused and why they have behavior issues.
Speaker 4: And we really shouldn't. We shouldn't be confused about that.
Speaker 4: So that's I just want to work our way back
Speaker 4: to the unconscious confrontation because I want to give the
Speaker 4: other one. So we call it flipping the pronouns. Would
Speaker 4: it be okay if I did that to you? Would
Speaker 4: it be okay if they did that to you? My
Speaker 4: favorite unconscious confrontation is called the right question. So what
Speaker 4: happens is is we want to yell at somebody you're
Speaker 4: not listening to me. And when we make statements on people,
Speaker 4: it makes everything worse right. And so what I like
Speaker 4: to say, and I used to when I was running
Speaker 4: a company and I was dealing with the customer you know, complaint,
Speaker 4: you know, in the customer interface. I used to teach
Speaker 4: this to the people taking these calls, is I would say,
Speaker 4: do you think it's right that? And then say the
Speaker 4: thing you want to say, Do you think it's right
Speaker 4: that you're not listening to me? That's the question, and
Speaker 4: it is an unconscious confrontation because you're asking the person
Speaker 4: conscious brain in front of their unconscious do you think
Speaker 4: it's right that you're not listening to me? Now? It
Speaker 4: freezes them up. And what happens is is I've helped
Speaker 4: I especially do this with spouses. I'll take one of
Speaker 4: the spouses and I say, all you got to do
Speaker 4: is ask your spouse do you think it's right that?
Speaker 4: And then what's the what's the issue you have? Do
Speaker 4: you think it's right that you're putting a cant on
Speaker 4: my side of the bed every night? O?
Speaker 3: Well, no, because then they won't get any sleep.
Speaker 4: Wow, jet it, You're way ahead. So here's what I say.
Speaker 4: If you have a great thought process, you'll answer you'll
Speaker 4: go no, or even if you say yes, or you
Speaker 4: don't answer it in the same day, you're going to
Speaker 4: feel that pain and you're gonna come back and you're
Speaker 4: gonna fix it the same day. Most people are next
Speaker 4: day what you just said. Most people the spouse that
Speaker 4: ask the question falls asleep. Yeah, their spouse does not
Speaker 4: sleep just what you said, And the next day they go, hey,
Speaker 4: and I that's a good thought process. Past two days
Speaker 4: is a bad thought process. And the thing about being
Speaker 4: human is we have a conscience. Now, our heart is
Speaker 4: the thing that pushes back on us before we do something.
Speaker 4: So if I want to do something that's different than
Speaker 4: I've normally done and I feel this pushback, people say
Speaker 4: it's your conscience, it's not. It's your heart. Your heart
Speaker 4: has three ways to push back. Your heart has a
Speaker 4: mini brain, and it's noticing patterns. And Jesus even said
Speaker 4: that heart's the last step before you do an action.
Speaker 4: So if you do it in your heart, you made
Speaker 4: a decision. Once you do something wrong, the first thing
Speaker 4: that gets you as your conscience. Your conscience sees what
Speaker 4: you did and then it says, hey, you shouldn't have
Speaker 4: done that. So if you think about how the human
Speaker 4: machine ought to work, we ought to try what you
Speaker 4: said with your first husband, I try different things. We
Speaker 4: ought to try things. We ought to make mistakes, we
Speaker 4: ought to feel our conscience tell us that was wrong.
Speaker 4: We ought to repair it. That's what being a human is.
Speaker 4: But what we're told is don't ever make a mistake
Speaker 4: be a robot.
Speaker 3: Well I make mistakes all the time, but I'm happy
Speaker 3: to say I also talk to myself a lot, and
Speaker 3: so those you know thoughts that are rolling around in
Speaker 3: my unconscious I can speak them out, even if it's
Speaker 3: because I dropped an ice cube out of the ice
Speaker 3: cube maker and it shot across the floor. I will
Speaker 3: literally talk to myself while I'm sliding around the kitchen
Speaker 3: floor trying to pick up this ice cube.
Speaker 4: Right, But that's also a hack that you talking what
Speaker 4: you want to do allows your conscience to confront you
Speaker 4: before you do it, because if you don't talk it,
Speaker 4: then it can only confront you after you do it.
Speaker 4: But again, you're you're unconscious. You're conscious is in your unconscious.
Speaker 4: So what happens is is that if you say it,
Speaker 4: write it, or do it, you're unconscious and your conscience
Speaker 4: can respond. So you have a half I don't have
Speaker 4: to do it and find out later. I can say
Speaker 4: out loud, I'm going to do it, and now I
Speaker 4: activate my conscience. But notice what should happen the human
Speaker 4: machine to run? Right? I do something it's wrong, I
Speaker 4: feel pain. I fix it. So what happens in the schools,
Speaker 4: what happens with parents? The kid does something wrong, they
Speaker 4: feel bad about it. They come back like these teachers go,
Speaker 4: I say to this kid, you spill glitter all over
Speaker 4: their paper. That was wrong. No, it wasn't. And then
Speaker 4: they come back and go, yeah, it was wrong, and
Speaker 4: the teacher goes, I told you it was wrong. So
Speaker 4: what you just do? We want to encourage the kid's
Speaker 4: conscience as a human. We want them to be sensitive
Speaker 4: to their conscience. We want them to be sensitive to
Speaker 4: the internal pushback on repairing the mistakes. If you yell
Speaker 4: at them when they do that, they're going to start
Speaker 4: ignoring that. So what happens is the teacher goes, I
Speaker 4: want them never to make a mistake. Not a human,
Speaker 4: that's a robot. And when you do that, yell at them,
Speaker 4: you damage their conscience, which makes them less human. And
Speaker 4: now this is why you have a criminal, or you
Speaker 4: have people running around who never repair the stuff they
Speaker 4: do wrong because they're taught don't admit you're wrong.
Speaker 3: And I was just going to say that behavior from
Speaker 3: that teacher caused that child to then have like oppositional
Speaker 3: defiant behavior because I'm going to get yelled at anyway
Speaker 3: no matter what I do, even if I feel bad,
Speaker 3: they're going to yell at me. So your defense mechanism
Speaker 3: is to act out, because that's your protective system going
Speaker 3: up right.
Speaker 4: So that's that's how when we don't understand how a
Speaker 4: body and brain's supposed to work, and we don't understand,
Speaker 4: you know what, we're really trying to develop this conscience,
Speaker 4: then we end up trying to make everybody a robot,
Speaker 4: and we when we damage it. But we can change
Speaker 4: people's behavior with the unconscious. So what we did was
Speaker 4: we have seven unconscious confrontations that we teach because there's
Speaker 4: a lot of different ways to access the unconscious brain.
Speaker 4: And we tried to teach this to these program support teachers.
Speaker 4: There was fourteen of them in this school, in this
Speaker 4: big school district up in Wisconsin, and we taught it
Speaker 4: to them, and none of them would do it. They
Speaker 4: just it just seemed the opposite of everything they'd learned.
Speaker 4: It's en counterintuitive if they didn't want to do it.
Speaker 4: So Jonathan and I said, and these were all women,
Speaker 4: we said, we want you next time we meet in
Speaker 4: two weeks, we want you to come with a behavior
Speaker 4: your husband has you want changed. And so the cat
Speaker 4: inside of the bed was one of them. As this
Speaker 4: woman said, every night, my husband takes the cat from
Speaker 4: his side of bed and puts it on I said
Speaker 4: to Ben when he goes to sleep, and I've told
Speaker 4: him not to do that. I've told him. So we
Speaker 4: went one by one with these fourteen teachers, found out
Speaker 4: what they wanted change. We taught them the specific unconscious
Speaker 4: conversation that we're working in this situation. Two weeks later,
Speaker 4: when they come back, all of them their husband's behavior
Speaker 4: had instantly changed. End of the school year, all of
Speaker 4: the husbands still had changed their behavior. And the teachers,
Speaker 4: all these program support teachers, said, would it ruin it
Speaker 4: if we asked if we told them what we did?
Speaker 4: And I'm like, yeah, you make them conscious of it.
Speaker 4: That's really how you change behavior and the human you
Speaker 4: change behavior in the unconscious, not the conscious, because your conscience,
Speaker 4: which is really drying your behavior, is in your unconscious.
Speaker 4: So when you think about it, when people try to
Speaker 4: prove their point online, they're acting like the conscience is
Speaker 4: in the conscious and if I could just convince you consciously,
Speaker 4: it'll change your behavior. It doesn't your unconscious.
Speaker 3: So what do you do if you have a situation
Speaker 3: involving a child and bullying from like a parent, like
Speaker 3: the parents are separated, you have one parent that is
Speaker 3: bullying and bullying the child, but also bullying that spouse,
Speaker 3: and the spouse's new you know, spouse, Like, how do
Speaker 3: you do that when there's two separate households involved, because
Speaker 3: that's a huge issue nowadays two because the divorce rate
Speaker 3: is so crazy.
Speaker 4: It's a huge issue. And I can tell you there
Speaker 4: have been at least three people that I've shown them
Speaker 4: how to deal with their ex and they're shocked. It's
Speaker 4: two exchanges, and they're like, these text exchanges used to
Speaker 4: go for three days, and you're telling me I have
Speaker 4: had this done in five to ten minutes, and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 4: So the thing is is that is I always I
Speaker 4: teach them to ask a question. So when you when
Speaker 4: you text your X, you want to ask them one
Speaker 4: of these unconscious confrontation questions. And sometimes it stops right there.
Speaker 4: But then when their response, then I teach them I
Speaker 4: basically we give up control. We asked this question. I
Speaker 4: call it an open ended question. We're going to ask
Speaker 4: this question and we're gonna let whatever their response is,
Speaker 4: then we're going to apply it to this situation. And
Speaker 4: so I don't know. I can't tell you the second
Speaker 4: response until we see what there is because we're gonna
Speaker 4: we're going to feedback to them their response, remem what
Speaker 4: I said about it. Sorry you feel that way. We're
Speaker 4: going to take their response and feed it back to
Speaker 4: them with the question, and it's going to stop that
Speaker 4: nip it in the butt. So that's what I do.
Speaker 4: And people are always shocked that. And this is what
Speaker 4: I do with with managers, executives and the C suite
Speaker 4: is ask a question and then we're gonna take their
Speaker 4: response and feed it back to them with a question.
Speaker 4: And that's going to be the end of that argument.
Speaker 4: Now they'll start an argument in another area. You know,
Speaker 4: they start an argument picking up the kids from basketball, right,
Speaker 4: so you put it into that. Then they put an
Speaker 4: argument about Thanksgiving visit, and we put it unto that,
Speaker 4: and I'm like, we're just gonna keep closing these doors
Speaker 4: and eventually they're all gone. Now with the kids, we
Speaker 4: really want to teach these kids how to do this
Speaker 4: unconscious confrontation and how to defend themselves against the parent.
Speaker 4: And I can tell you that we have testimonials from
Speaker 4: these teachers saying we teach the kids this information and
Speaker 4: they fix their families. Because if you think about it,
Speaker 4: if I were to talk. If I John Lenhart from
Speaker 4: the outside, We're to go talk to a parent, They're
Speaker 4: gonna block me out, right, who do you think you are?
Speaker 4: But if I teach the kid how to reach the parent,
Speaker 4: they don't block the kid. And so I'm actually more effective.
Speaker 4: I said, I can fix families working with the kids
Speaker 4: more than I can with the parents. The kids are
Speaker 4: at the parents. When you look at students, teachers, and parents,
Speaker 4: like during COVID, I said, the parents are the most
Speaker 4: stressed out people. I know, the teachers are very stressed out.
Speaker 4: The parents are the most stressed out people. And if
Speaker 4: we could get to the parents, that would be great.
Speaker 4: But the parents, they don't. They say they want help
Speaker 4: with their kids. And I will tell you this, Yeah,
Speaker 4: and I will tell you this. A large percentage of
Speaker 4: parents hate their kids m h and feel bad that they.
Speaker 3: That's why I pose that question because there are so
Speaker 3: many people that I know currently that have the situation,
Speaker 3: you know, the split households and one parent hates the
Speaker 3: other hates their ex and so they use that child
Speaker 3: as a pawn and bully the child, you know, and
Speaker 3: then the child's bouncing back and forth between two households.
Speaker 3: That operate differently, and everything is chaos and all of
Speaker 3: these households, all of them.
Speaker 4: Yep. And unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with
Speaker 4: this personal experience and then also experience helping a lot
Speaker 4: of other people. And I will tell you the worst
Speaker 4: thing about our system is that the first parent who
Speaker 4: bullies gets away with it. Case every single case, the
Speaker 4: first parent starts the bullying and the second parent goes, well,
Speaker 4: they're gonna do this, so I'm gonna do that, and
Speaker 4: the guardian and everybody goes, if you do that, you're
Speaker 4: never gonna see your kid again. And you're like, it's
Speaker 4: the result. It's like, wait a minute, they're bullying the
Speaker 4: kid and you're you're letting that go. But and it's like,
Speaker 4: you don't have a way to help that. The only
Speaker 4: thing you can do is stop me by threatening me. Right, Oh,
Speaker 4: they're getting away with it. They got there. The first
Speaker 4: parent that bullies gets away with it because the second
Speaker 4: parent is the one that gets threatened. That's the way
Speaker 4: our system currently works. And that's why I I help
Speaker 4: a lot of these people who are the second The
Speaker 4: second parent's the good parent, m and so I can
Speaker 4: I'm and those are the people who reach out for help.
Speaker 4: So I helped the second parent. But yeah, that's that's reality.
Speaker 4: If you're coming to me, I know you're the second parent.
Speaker 4: I know the first parent has already started the bullying process.
Speaker 4: And I know you're frustrated that you've been threatened that
Speaker 4: if you bully, you're the one who's going to lose
Speaker 4: the kid. So the first parent of bully is going
Speaker 4: to get the kids.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And and like you said, a lot of parents don't
Speaker 3: like their kids. And it is so evident the way
Speaker 3: that these people choose to bully and manipulate their own
Speaker 3: children for personal gains, so that they can use them
Speaker 3: as a pond to hurt somebody else.
Speaker 4: Yep. And then also they'll literally sometimes even say it
Speaker 4: to the kid, I wish you weren't you know, if
Speaker 4: you had been born this, I could have just walked
Speaker 4: away from this marriage. And that's the amount of.
Speaker 3: I would have never got a divorce if you were
Speaker 3: ever born.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 3: I've heard that one many times from people.
Speaker 4: So that's where I want to help the kid, and
Speaker 4: I want to help them have some skills to deal
Speaker 4: with with the bullying they're getting from the parent. And
Speaker 4: also the bullying. They're getting, you know, from school, the
Speaker 4: same thing. But I think my thing was to get
Speaker 4: to the teachers and the kids because I couldn't get
Speaker 4: to the parents. And the problem is is that the
Speaker 4: teachers got so overwhelmed that the only people I could
Speaker 4: help is the kids. And then now what happens is
Speaker 4: is parents, the good parent will hear about me and
Speaker 4: reach out and I can help them with that.
Speaker 3: I think that's fantastic, and I seriously wish there were
Speaker 3: programs instituted in not only all of the schools, but
Speaker 3: in churches as well, because that's seriously lacking in a
Speaker 3: lot of organized churches, court system, all of that stuff.
Speaker 3: Everything needs overhauled and revamped because the system is not
Speaker 3: set up to help people in any way, shape or form.
Speaker 3: It is meant to cause further divide, and unfortunately.
Speaker 2: Like John said before, the solution is available. The problem
Speaker 2: is that there's an old joke about consultings. I've been
Speaker 2: a consulting world for a while, and the joke is,
Speaker 2: if you can't, if you can't, if you can't solve
Speaker 2: a problem, there's lots of money to be made in
Speaker 2: prolonging the problem. There are a lot of people who
Speaker 2: are incentivized to keep the problem going. John mentioned before,
Speaker 2: the c suite doesn't want to give up that control
Speaker 2: and gives them because basically, if you brought the cure
Speaker 2: to them, well, if you cure me of my bullying,
Speaker 2: then they think they won't be as effective of a
Speaker 2: person in the c suite. And that's the difference. And
Speaker 2: I don't know if we talked about this last time,
Speaker 2: the difference between a leader and a boss, I would
Speaker 2: say ninety plus percent of people in the c suite
Speaker 2: are bosses. A boss is someone who facilitates their purpose
Speaker 2: and progress at the expense of others beneath them, where
Speaker 2: as a leader is someone who facilitates your purpose and
Speaker 2: progress is at their expense. I remember one boss I
Speaker 2: had to this day. We're still friends because the first
Speaker 2: day I started working for him is when I moved
Speaker 2: up to the Bay Area. He hired me for a job,
Speaker 2: and like the maybe first week he said, look ed,
Speaker 2: I know that I hired you for this job, and
Speaker 2: I hope you do it well, and I think we can.
Speaker 4: Have a great working relationship.
Speaker 2: But if you ever get to a point where you don't,
Speaker 2: this job isn't for you, and you see something that's
Speaker 2: going to make you happier, I will help you get
Speaker 2: to that other position. So he's saying, I'm I like
Speaker 2: you as an employee, but I'm willing to lose you
Speaker 2: as an employee.
Speaker 3: If it was for your happiness, your own happiness.
Speaker 2: And I told he didn't be I don't even think
Speaker 2: he realized the impacts that had on me. I told
Speaker 2: him years later, and he say, really, that's something that
Speaker 2: just say because he is a leader. And I still
Speaker 2: have that kind of royalty to him, because he let
Speaker 2: me know that he was going to put me ahead
Speaker 2: of even his own well being. That's what leader does.
Speaker 3: And because he saw you as a human right and
Speaker 3: and portrayed human you know, characteristics in his care and
Speaker 3: compassion for you instead of selfishness and his own needs.
Speaker 4: And remember, sorry, I don't want to say. What happens
Speaker 4: is when he does that, his unconscious gives them these
Speaker 4: pleasure chemicals and he gets settled versus a boss tries
Speaker 4: to take and it doesn't make him happy, so they
Speaker 4: think they need to take more, and that's why they
Speaker 4: get progressively worse. So you start off kind of in
Speaker 4: the middle, and then you're going to go down one
Speaker 4: path to the other. You're going to turn in this
Speaker 4: narcissistic boss, or you're going to turn into this you
Speaker 4: know leader, compassionate leader. But it's how you responded right away.
Speaker 4: So that's the issue, is if we understood how our
Speaker 4: brains work, we'd have a better shot at being leaders.
Speaker 4: And that's right. I teach that definition of leader to people,
Speaker 4: so now their unconscious knows that and can confront them
Speaker 4: when they start being a boss.
Speaker 2: Right, And it really gets back to what I said originally,
Speaker 2: is about fear that person, that leader he will let
Speaker 2: go of even he didn't need to control me or
Speaker 2: anyone else, right, And that's what made him a leader
Speaker 2: because he did not have that fear. He says, you
Speaker 2: know what, he's a great employee, but I'd rather he
Speaker 2: be happy. I'm willing to release my control over him,
Speaker 2: where as a boss would say the ops, I don't
Speaker 2: know this guys a good worker. I want to not
Speaker 2: only do I want to keep him with me, I
Speaker 2: want to make sure he's at the same level. I
Speaker 2: don't want him to rise to my level or above,
Speaker 2: because I want to control where he is. And that's
Speaker 2: what a boss does. So it really gets back down
Speaker 2: to fear versus control. And the reason that a lot
Speaker 2: of these bosses in the C suite don't want to
Speaker 2: embrace this this solution that would dissolve the problem is
Speaker 2: that it would involve him giving up control and becoming
Speaker 2: a leader. Because a leader is not going to try.
Speaker 4: To control you. But he thinks that won't make him happy,
Speaker 4: right exactly. I think, you know what, maybe if we
Speaker 4: are going to do this again, we can probably talk
Speaker 4: about happiness. I'm because I can explain there's an equation.
Speaker 4: I can explain it to you and and and uh
Speaker 4: it and how it impacts everything. That would be something
Speaker 4: to talk about the next time. That'd be perfect.
Speaker 2: And one of last things that I made a note
Speaker 2: about earlier is that I weld probably have to get going.
Speaker 2: John mentioned that you know what what a narcissist and
Speaker 2: what a bully does is they they pray on the
Speaker 2: areas where they pray on low self esteem. And if
Speaker 2: you have your high self esteem, it's you know, they
Speaker 2: can't victimize you. But but I want to make it
Speaker 2: clear that we have different levels of self esteem in
Speaker 2: different areas of our lives. So there are some areas
Speaker 2: where I have very high self esteem. There are other
Speaker 2: areas where I were I don't like as as as
Speaker 2: a teacher, I have high self esteem. I think, I
Speaker 2: think I have the knowledge and I can I can
Speaker 2: do I can teach, and I'm very comfortable with it
Speaker 2: and I get the flow what I'm teaching. But then
Speaker 2: there are other areas where you know, I have low
Speaker 2: self esteem. So the purpose, the point is to raise
Speaker 2: your self esteem in all of the areas in your life,
Speaker 2: you know, using your intangible drivers, so that you have,
Speaker 2: you know, across the board high self esteem. So then
Speaker 2: I say that because there may be some people listening
Speaker 2: and watching right now who say, well, I'm bullied, but
Speaker 2: I have but I have high self esteem. Well, look
Speaker 2: at where you're being bullied and that might be an
Speaker 2: area where your self esteem is low.
Speaker 4: You need to grow it. So just let me go
Speaker 4: through the four levels of self esteem for people, so
Speaker 4: they I think you're you're shedding light on the side.
Speaker 4: This good way to to wrap this up. So the
Speaker 4: lowest area is no self esteem. And people who are
Speaker 4: no self esteem, they only get pleasure by put giving
Speaker 4: pain to other people. So if you're no self esteem,
Speaker 4: and this is somebody who Basically, remember, confidence in your
Speaker 4: uniqueness is someone who doesn't have any confidence low self esteem.
Speaker 4: So above is low self esteem. This is somebody whose
Speaker 4: solution is confidence. They don't know who they are. So
Speaker 4: most of the people that are influencers are low self esteem.
Speaker 4: They're driven by likes. I want likes. Do these people
Speaker 4: even know you? Nope, nope.
Speaker 3: I just want to need that acceptance.
Speaker 4: So confidence, so it's like, I can, I can, I
Speaker 4: can put confidence on the outside has nothing to do
Speaker 4: with your uniqueness. It's just confidence.
Speaker 2: People who showed their body on Instagram for example, Right right, right,
Speaker 2: that's right.
Speaker 4: So it's just I just want to get confidence, but
Speaker 4: I still know who I am. Mid self esteem is
Speaker 4: you know who you are, but you're not fully confident.
Speaker 4: So I like to say, if a professional basketball player
Speaker 4: told me I'm a great basketball player, I wouldn't need
Speaker 4: to get any better at it, and I would tell
Speaker 4: everybody about it. I know a guy, a teacher who's
Speaker 4: some famous mathematician, sat at the table with him and
Speaker 4: gave him a compliment, and thirty years later, this teacher
Speaker 4: is still telling everybody about the compliment. That's mid self esteem. Hey,
Speaker 4: this person recognized this Now, what most parents are trying
Speaker 4: to do is get their kids down mid self esteem.
Speaker 4: They want their kids to care what their parent, teacher, coach,
Speaker 4: pastor says about them. So if you sit there and go,
Speaker 4: you know, because a peer or a peer pressure is
Speaker 4: low self esteem. And that's what we say if they
Speaker 4: jump off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 4: you're just looking for a like, But why don't you
Speaker 4: Why don't you value what your parent says, what your
Speaker 4: teacher says. And so when we get to mid self esteem,
Speaker 4: we go, you made it. That's not high self esteem.
Speaker 4: And when I give this definition of high self esteem,
Speaker 4: you used to have to say it twice because it's
Speaker 4: so opposite. So an area your high self esteem is
Speaker 4: is when when somebody affirms you, you don't feel better
Speaker 4: about yourself, you feel better about the other person. So
Speaker 4: Jesus is the best example of this. Jesus the centurion
Speaker 4: comes and says, hey, will you heal this? You know
Speaker 4: my guy? And Jesus goes yeah, And Jesus goes to
Speaker 4: show me where he is in. The centurion goes no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 4: I'm a man of authority, I'm a man in authority.
Speaker 4: I know if I say something that happens. I know
Speaker 4: you are the son of God. You say this, it'll happen.
Speaker 4: And Jesus didn't. This guy affirmed, Jesus, big, I know
Speaker 4: you get to say a word. Jesus didn't turn to
Speaker 4: the sidement joke. You see that, see that I'm all that,
Speaker 4: aren't I awesome? Jesus said, I'm amazed at him? This
Speaker 4: guy affirmed Jesus, and Jesus doesn't feel any better about
Speaker 4: himself because he's fully confident who he is. Jesus actually goes,
Speaker 4: I'm amazed at you for seeing that in me. So
Speaker 4: if there's an area where somebody compliments you and you go, yeah,
Speaker 4: I know, but I'm amazed. I'm impressed. You see that
Speaker 4: your high self esteem, you're fully confident in who you
Speaker 4: are in that area. The Intangible Driver test takes people
Speaker 4: to mid self esteem. You now know who you are.
Speaker 4: That's what's so valuable about that quiz. You take it
Speaker 4: and it takes you from low and lo to mid.
Speaker 4: Now as you operate in that, you're moving your way
Speaker 4: to high self esteem.
Speaker 3: And I love that you stented with that and you
Speaker 3: brought that up because that is one thing that I
Speaker 3: think is severely lacking in society people that have high
Speaker 3: self esteem being able to put that positive reaffirmation into
Speaker 3: someone else and be like, well, thank you for saying that,
Speaker 3: But I want you to know how proud I am
Speaker 3: of you because of the growth that you've made and
Speaker 3: all of these things that you have overcome. People do
Speaker 3: not do that enough, and that's.
Speaker 4: One of the solutions to happiness.
Speaker 3: Maybe absolutely, absolutely, so we will start with you, mister John.
Speaker 3: Where can people find you at?
Speaker 4: I'm at flowss dot com. I'm also on LinkedIn under
Speaker 4: John Lenheart and I'm in Instagram under modeling God all
Speaker 4: one word?
Speaker 3: All right, and how about you, Ed? Where can people
Speaker 3: find you?
Speaker 2: The best place to find me is my website Faith
Speaker 2: by Reason dot net, not dot com. That's a different,
Speaker 2: different person faithbad Reason dot net. Everything is there. If
Speaker 2: you want to go to YouTube, you can find me.
Speaker 2: You can look me up there, but it's easier just
Speaker 2: to go to faith bad Reason dot net. Everything is there.
Speaker 2: I'm also on on Rumble and on x but yeah,
Speaker 2: if you go to the other website, that is the
Speaker 2: best place to to find all my work.
Speaker 3: Fantastic in FYI.
Speaker 2: You'll see this soon coming up. I'm starting a Patreon
Speaker 2: uh presence from to for people want to take a
Speaker 2: deeper dive in into what I do that goes kind
Speaker 2: of above and beyond. So there's the bonus content extra
Speaker 2: stuff there and and and also a live Bible study
Speaker 2: in that. That's that's that has been life changing for
Speaker 2: myself as well as the people who have been taught.
Speaker 2: So yeah, look look for that information be coming out
Speaker 2: soon and I'm gonna probably credit that started next month.
Speaker 3: Fantastic And I want to say a big, huge shout
Speaker 3: out and thank you gratitude highly for both of you
Speaker 3: gentlemen for spending time with me again for explaining things
Speaker 3: in a way hopefully people can understand and put to
Speaker 3: use in their daily lives, not just with their spouse,
Speaker 3: with their children, with their co workers, family members, etc.
Speaker 3: So for me, for John, and for Ed, thanks for
Speaker 3: listening and we will catch you next time. Have a
Speaker 3: great day.