WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.279 --> 00:00:09.119 Welcome again the Horrible Cult Nation with a Shadows Secrets 2 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:13.400 U and the True Little Weapon showing us on cold 3 00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:17.800 conspiracy as we dive deep to the underbelly of the 4 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:22.000 unknown and challenge the narrative spinning around us. 5 00:00:22.519 --> 00:00:28.960 Buckles up because we're gearing up for a wild ride 6 00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:37.000 through the madness Madam the unseen world. 7 00:00:37.719 --> 00:00:42.880 This is not just a podcast, it's all if you, let's. 8 00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:43.719 Lease the chaos. 9 00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:10.000 Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Deplorable Nation. 10 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:15.000 I'm your host, Deplorable Janet, and today I have two lovely, 11 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:18.599 beautiful returning guests to the show. This is going to 12 00:01:18.680 --> 00:01:22.280 be kind of a continuation of the part one that 13 00:01:22.319 --> 00:01:28.319 we did on intangible drivers and knowing what uh what 14 00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:32.280 makes people tick behavior wise. So today we're going to 15 00:01:32.359 --> 00:01:40.000 get into bullying and unconscious confrontation. So welcome back mister 16 00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:45.519 John Lenhart and mister ed Maybe. So, how are you 17 00:01:45.560 --> 00:01:49.799 guys doing? Sorry that I had a little cat down 18 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:53.480 here that was biting on me, So sorry I got sidetracked. 19 00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:56.959 Yeah, no, I'm doing great. This is this is one 20 00:01:56.959 --> 00:01:59.400 of my favorite topics to talk about. I'm sure that 21 00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:01.959 we're going to raise a lot of eyebrows today. I'm 22 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:02.840 looking forward to it as well. 23 00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:05.920 It's you know, learning what I've learned from from John 24 00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:08.240 from flow sas has just been amazing for me. And 25 00:02:08.560 --> 00:02:10.479 I'll chime in here and there where I can, But yeah, 26 00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:13.840 this is definitely in John's wheelhouse, and I think people 27 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:17.439 are going to learn a lot of very valuable information today. 28 00:02:18.280 --> 00:02:22.080 And I'm looking forward to this because this is such 29 00:02:22.120 --> 00:02:26.080 a huge problem for so many people and it's not 30 00:02:26.159 --> 00:02:31.759 just children that are affected by this. People take bullying 31 00:02:32.039 --> 00:02:38.120 into adulthood and can't seem to break the cycle of 32 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:43.360 behavior a lot of times, in my personal opinion, because 33 00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:48.199 I was the recipient of bullying for a very very 34 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:54.240 long time, and I took that meekness from the bullying 35 00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:57.919 right It made me very meek and timid, and all 36 00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:02.759 of those things. Took that into future relationships like the 37 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:06.840 baggage that it is, you know, until I was able 38 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:10.120 to finally pack that away and be like, you know what, 39 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:14.000 I'm better than this. I deserve better than this. So 40 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:16.879 I think this topic is going to hit home for 41 00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:21.280 a lot of people, children and adults included. So I'm 42 00:03:21.360 --> 00:03:26.759 very glad that we're doing this today. So here's a question, 43 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:34.240 do you think that there are like specific types of 44 00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:39.520 people that fall into the bullying routine that become the bullies. 45 00:03:40.879 --> 00:03:44.560 I don't think so. I think that everybody who bullies 46 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:48.719 has been bullied. And so that's one of the things 47 00:03:48.759 --> 00:03:51.800 that I say that upsets people the most about bullying 48 00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:55.719 is we look at a situation where and I love 49 00:03:55.759 --> 00:04:00.000 what you said, the bullying is not just confined to kids. 50 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:05.439 Especially in the c suite esos, they are the best 51 00:04:06.039 --> 00:04:09.879 bullies in the world and they bully management like crazy. 52 00:04:10.599 --> 00:04:13.000 And so when somebody but let's just take the kid example, 53 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:18.680 because eybody's familiar with that. So this student bullies this kid. 54 00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:21.680 And I like to say to people, how many victims 55 00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:25.040 do we have in this scenario? And everybody else say one? 56 00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:30.360 And I'm like, you got two, right, because the bully 57 00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:36.399 wouldn't bully if they also hadn't been bullied. So I 58 00:04:36.439 --> 00:04:40.120 think anybody can become a bully because they can get 59 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:43.879 bullied by somebody else. And the issue I wrote a 60 00:04:43.879 --> 00:04:48.120 whole series on LinkedIn called the Hypocrisy of Bullying because 61 00:04:49.079 --> 00:04:51.759 I say to people, what's your definition of bullying? And 62 00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:57.800 the definition is really to intimidate or to cause harm 63 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:01.560 in order to control behavior. So what you're doing is whenever, 64 00:05:01.720 --> 00:05:05.519 whenever you're trying to control behavior by either intimidating something 65 00:05:05.879 --> 00:05:11.720 or threatening harm, you're bullying. So when this kid bullies 66 00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.680 this kid, how do you treat it? What you're really 67 00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:16.839 saying is how do I change the behavior of the bully? 68 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:21.600 And if the answer is you intimidate them, you threaten them, 69 00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:27.680 you punish them, aren't you bullying the bully? And so 70 00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:31.600 isn't that being a hypocrite? And that's the issue is 71 00:05:31.680 --> 00:05:35.040 how do we how do you deal with bullying? Because 72 00:05:35.079 --> 00:05:38.800 if your solution to bullying is to bully the bully, 73 00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:41.439 then you believe bullying works. 74 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:47.040 And and you're doing the exact same thing. It's kind 75 00:05:47.079 --> 00:05:50.680 of like raising up kids, right, And I think we 76 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:53.360 kind of touched on this in the last episode where 77 00:05:53.360 --> 00:05:59.560 they observe your behavior right as a parent, and like 78 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:03.439 throwing trash at the trash can and you miss and 79 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:06.839 so it stays on the floor, or not picking up 80 00:06:06.920 --> 00:06:10.040 your dishes, you know, leaving me on the table or 81 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:14.959 on the chair or something, and kids pick up everything 82 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:20.399 that you do. And so if they see you bullying 83 00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:26.000 your spouse or bullying your children, they in turn will 84 00:06:26.040 --> 00:06:28.519 do the exact same thing that they learned from you. 85 00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:33.480 Whenever I help a family, I say seventy five percent 86 00:06:33.480 --> 00:06:37.279 of the issues would go away if the spouses would 87 00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:40.560 get along better. For the exact reason you said, Janet, 88 00:06:40.600 --> 00:06:43.759 is that the kids are mimicking that. If I teach 89 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:46.040 the parents all these things to do to the kids, 90 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.879 but the parents don't do that to each other, You're right, 91 00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:50.600 it's a it's a waste of time. 92 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:51.839 Right, absolutely. 93 00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:55.199 So, yeah, so that's that's the issue. Now, before we 94 00:06:55.240 --> 00:06:57.959 get into these specifics about how to help with bullying, 95 00:06:58.040 --> 00:07:01.519 I want to point out one more thing because I 96 00:07:01.720 --> 00:07:07.040 help a lot of executives deal with bullying from the 97 00:07:07.079 --> 00:07:10.279 c suite, and you would think that it would get 98 00:07:10.279 --> 00:07:14.560 me into these companies, but it never does because the 99 00:07:14.720 --> 00:07:18.639 people in charge of the company got there by bullying. 100 00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:23.519 So here's the reality. We tell kids, do not bully, 101 00:07:25.240 --> 00:07:27.319 But what we're really saying is don't bully until you 102 00:07:27.319 --> 00:07:28.079 graduate high. 103 00:07:27.920 --> 00:07:32.399 School and then how about it. 104 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.879 Right, But that's how you become successful in this country 105 00:07:35.879 --> 00:07:38.560 and in corporate America. So that's the real message we 106 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:42.240 send is bullying is wrong in school until you graduate, 107 00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:44.600 and then go ahead and bully, because if you look 108 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:47.399 at a corporation, the way people got to the level 109 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:48.920 they're at is because they bullied. 110 00:07:50.720 --> 00:07:53.279 And you know, one thing I thought of when you 111 00:07:53.319 --> 00:07:59.199 were talking about like the control right that bullying exerts 112 00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:03.879 over people with the intimidation and all that, and it 113 00:08:03.959 --> 00:08:12.399 immediately popped into my head. Narcissists are amazing at control, 114 00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:18.040 manipulation and intimidation tactics, right, and it has to be 115 00:08:19.079 --> 00:08:24.040 their idea, their way or the highway. Nobody can do 116 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:29.199 anything right except them, and they can't take accountability for 117 00:08:29.399 --> 00:08:33.159 anything that they say or do to someone else. You 118 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:37.000 know that that causes harm or you know, intimidation, fear, 119 00:08:37.159 --> 00:08:39.480 any of those kind of things that go along with it. 120 00:08:40.159 --> 00:08:43.080 And that's kind of why I asked the question about 121 00:08:43.279 --> 00:08:46.399 is there a certain type of person that turns into 122 00:08:47.240 --> 00:08:53.399 a bully? Because there are so many narcissists in the world. 123 00:08:54.600 --> 00:09:00.600 Do you think that they themselves were bully at some 124 00:09:00.759 --> 00:09:06.559 point or they just automatically turned into this ego testical, 125 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:09.080 you know, maniacal. 126 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:11.840 Yeah, I want to I want to let John talk 127 00:09:11.840 --> 00:09:13.559 about narcissism because I know he's done a lot of 128 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.840 work on that. But one thing I want people to 129 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:20.519 keep in mind as just an overall just watchwords is 130 00:09:20.519 --> 00:09:26.080 in a big picture, there is really fear because why 131 00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:28.000 do you control? Why does anyone want to control something? 132 00:09:28.039 --> 00:09:30.480 Because they're afraid of what would happen if they let 133 00:09:30.519 --> 00:09:34.840 go of control? Right, And and like John said, people 134 00:09:34.840 --> 00:09:37.960 who become bullies in the c suite, they learned it 135 00:09:38.080 --> 00:09:40.279 by when when they when they go an entry level, 136 00:09:40.279 --> 00:09:42.960 they're being bullied by a manager. Then they become a 137 00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:45.279 manager by you know, showing that hey I can I'll 138 00:09:45.320 --> 00:09:47.080 bully some of my co workers and they say, hey, what, 139 00:09:47.159 --> 00:09:50.759 this guy has leadership skills, right, coworkers, let's make him 140 00:09:50.759 --> 00:09:53.919 a manager. Any manager you bully by the director, Then 141 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:56.080 when you become a director, you know you're being you'reing 142 00:09:56.080 --> 00:09:59.200 bullied by the VP and the c suite. And but 143 00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:01.960 but the reason for it is that you feel that fear. 144 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:03.639 So that first time you felt fear was when you 145 00:10:03.639 --> 00:10:06.399 were entry level. You were afraid. How do you deal 146 00:10:06.440 --> 00:10:08.360 with your fear? Well, you deal with your fear by 147 00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:11.080 trying to control the situation, trying to control others or 148 00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:14.759 even shifting blame onto others. So it's really your it's 149 00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:17.799 a it's a defense mechanism in order to deal with 150 00:10:17.840 --> 00:10:19.559 the fear. And I want I'll talk about fear a 151 00:10:19.559 --> 00:10:23.159 little more later. Wrong, people don't understand that control and 152 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:26.480 fear go hand in hand. So just like you have, 153 00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:29.559 you know, children, we have fears in we children because 154 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:31.519 we just we don't know a lot, and you know, 155 00:10:31.559 --> 00:10:34.240 we are in a very vulnerable position as children. So 156 00:10:34.679 --> 00:10:37.639 we deal with fear on different levels and we learn 157 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:39.919 to cope with that fear. One of those coping mechanisms 158 00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:42.039 could be passing that fear to others. You know, I 159 00:10:42.080 --> 00:10:44.039 see it in my I have two boys, and I 160 00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:47.200 see when when I'm not behaving well towards one of them, 161 00:10:47.279 --> 00:10:50.039 to my oldest, I can see him taking it out 162 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:53.360 on my younger on the younger side because he is 163 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:55.039 is in fear and he's trying to control it. So 164 00:10:55.080 --> 00:10:56.919 the whole point of this is when you have a 165 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:00.519 CEO who's bullying behind that there is Yes, there's narcissism 166 00:11:00.559 --> 00:11:02.440 to a degree in this, but there's also a fear 167 00:11:02.480 --> 00:11:05.720 of not being in control, of being exposed because at 168 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:09.559 some point he's in his It's it's a lot with males. 169 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:12.600 I speak from that point of view every time when 170 00:11:12.639 --> 00:11:14.600 you were a male, there is a voice in the 171 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:17.039 back of your head saying you are going to fail. 172 00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:21.200 There's that voice in the man's head, whether you are 173 00:11:21.559 --> 00:11:23.320 entry level of where you're the CEO of a Fortune 174 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:25.440 five hundred company, there is this little voice inside of 175 00:11:25.480 --> 00:11:28.639 your head saying you're going to fail. What's going to 176 00:11:28.679 --> 00:11:30.840 keep you from failing being in control. So there's that. 177 00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:35.120 So a Fortune five hundred ceo, he is afraid of 178 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:39.039 failing and his coping mechanism. Let me intimidate, let me control, 179 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:41.399 because the more control I have, the less likely it 180 00:11:41.480 --> 00:11:44.080 is I'm going to fail. But keep in mind that 181 00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.840 there is a scared little boy or scared little girl 182 00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:51.159 underneath that bullying facade. So I'll let John talk more 183 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:53.679 about narcissism. I want people to understand that. 184 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:56.799 Yeah, so I think the I think Jen, this is 185 00:11:56.840 --> 00:12:00.200 a great topic to help us get into everything we're 186 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:04.279 going to talk about. So this shows my approach a 187 00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:06.799 little bit. Is first of all, you define the word. 188 00:12:06.919 --> 00:12:10.480 So what is narcissism. If you look up the definition 189 00:12:10.600 --> 00:12:15.720 of narcissism, it's all effects. It's people who and it 190 00:12:15.799 --> 00:12:21.600 describes behaviors, and then it says that it's either they 191 00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:25.919 don't know if it's from nature or nurture, and is 192 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.759 no way to fix it. I will tell you that's 193 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:32.200 not the true definition of narcissism. And again, that first 194 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:35.320 episode we did, we talked about what we call step 195 00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:38.559 one is your uniqueness, who you are, what your mind is, 196 00:12:38.840 --> 00:12:42.159 and then we talked about the thought processes. So I'm 197 00:12:42.200 --> 00:12:45.799 going to reference that here to understand and if anybody 198 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:48.440 really wants to get into the gory details and go 199 00:12:48.480 --> 00:12:52.120 back to the previous episode. So, what a narcissist is. 200 00:12:52.559 --> 00:12:58.720 It's a person who has wired their brain to be 201 00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:03.399 happy at the expense of other people. So really that's 202 00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:07.360 what and that explains all the behaviors you see. But 203 00:13:07.480 --> 00:13:11.399 they have wired their brain to that disregulation thought process 204 00:13:11.720 --> 00:13:14.759 and so their brain now is I am only happy 205 00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:18.519 when I am controlling you or making something bad happen. 206 00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:20.919 And you'll see it in a narcissist when they yell 207 00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:24.120 at you and then they smile. I'll watch people. That's 208 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:26.080 how I know it is a narcissist is I'll watch 209 00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:29.120 somebody complain and then I'll see the smile at the 210 00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:33.320 end because they're getting these happiness chemicals. So if the 211 00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:38.840 definition is somebody who's getting pleasure out of controlling somebody. 212 00:13:39.279 --> 00:13:43.159 All those effects make sense from there. So now the 213 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:47.519 question is is how do we approach this person and 214 00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:51.279 how do we handle, you know, dealing with their interacting 215 00:13:51.320 --> 00:13:54.720 with this person. And this gets to the unconscious confrontation. 216 00:13:56.080 --> 00:13:58.799 So then the last episode we talked about this. Ten 217 00:13:58.840 --> 00:14:02.840 percent of your brain is your conscious brain, it's where 218 00:14:02.879 --> 00:14:05.559 you imagine, it's where you remember, you're in direct control 219 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:09.240 of this. Ninety percent of your brain is your unconscious brain. 220 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:12.440 It's where all your behavior and all your energy is. 221 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:16.759 When really that's the part of this model that people 222 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:20.919 are missing. Everybody thinks everything is conscious, and the thing 223 00:14:21.000 --> 00:14:23.480 is is really your energy is unconscious. So if you 224 00:14:23.519 --> 00:14:27.080 think about it, in that narcissists brain, ninety percent of 225 00:14:27.080 --> 00:14:31.320 their brain is the majority of the brain is driving 226 00:14:31.360 --> 00:14:36.039 their energy, and they consciously have taught their unconscious that 227 00:14:36.320 --> 00:14:41.480 they want to enjoy being mean to people and bullying people. 228 00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:48.039 The thing is is they are feasting on low self 229 00:14:48.120 --> 00:14:53.039 esteem people. So self esteem is confidence in your uniqueness. 230 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:57.399 So we talked about the intangible drivers. So when you 231 00:14:57.480 --> 00:15:01.519 understand who you are and and then you get confidence 232 00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:05.919 in it, then what happens is is you are driven 233 00:15:06.039 --> 00:15:09.360 by being more yourself. If you're low self esteem, you 234 00:15:09.399 --> 00:15:12.240 don't know who you are or you don't have confidence 235 00:15:12.360 --> 00:15:14.559 in who you are, and so all you can go 236 00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:16.600 by is appearance. So if you look at what a 237 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:20.679 narcissist does, they sit there and tell you they're trying 238 00:15:20.679 --> 00:15:24.879 to control you or intimidate you by appearance, the way 239 00:15:24.879 --> 00:15:28.279 you look. So they'll say, really, I wouldn't wear something 240 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:33.039 like that, And it's what they're doing, is they're trying 241 00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:37.519 to control you by you being worried about how you look. 242 00:15:37.799 --> 00:15:40.399 Now, if you have high self esteem, the narciss isn't 243 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.799 going to affect you. But if you low self esteem, 244 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:50.799 it is like a virus. They a narcissist makes narcissists, right, I. 245 00:15:50.759 --> 00:15:52.559 Mean you're going to say, I was going to say, 246 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:56.399 it's kind of like a cancerous thing that spreads because 247 00:15:57.159 --> 00:16:00.360 it's and I can speak on this too because I 248 00:16:00.399 --> 00:16:05.440 was married to a narcissist before. And it's always personal 249 00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:10.759 attacks and something about you that they do to destroy 250 00:16:10.840 --> 00:16:14.120 your confidence and to harm you. And it's it's not 251 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:19.360 just appearance, it's your sense of humor, it's your you know, 252 00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:21.759 the way you look too, skinny, too fat, to this, 253 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:28.240 to that, whatever it is, like everything about you seems 254 00:16:28.279 --> 00:16:29.639 to irritate them. 255 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:32.679 Right, So that you nailed it. So the thing is 256 00:16:32.679 --> 00:16:35.279 is that, first of all, if people knew their uniqueness 257 00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:40.840 and grew in it, they would be inoculated against narcissism, right, 258 00:16:40.840 --> 00:16:42.440 But how many people know that? They don't know it. 259 00:16:42.519 --> 00:16:45.519 So the reason narcissism is growing is people don't know 260 00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:50.600 who they are, and people are infecting other people. So 261 00:16:50.919 --> 00:16:56.679 the first thing that I teach people is the sentence 262 00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:00.679 you want to say to a narcissist is I'm sorry 263 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:05.799 you feel that way. So that's how you stop them 264 00:17:05.799 --> 00:17:08.759 dead in their tracks. So if you ever see me 265 00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:13.200 on LinkedIn or on Facebook or someplace or Instagram and 266 00:17:13.279 --> 00:17:16.519 somebody's saying stuff to me and I say I'm sorry 267 00:17:16.519 --> 00:17:19.119 you feel that way, I'm trying to find out if 268 00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:23.319 they're a narcissist. So the reason that works, and we're 269 00:17:23.319 --> 00:17:27.359 gonna this is starting us into the unconscious confrontation. I'm 270 00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:31.680 sorry you feel that way, So I'm saying that I 271 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:34.720 feel bad that you feel a certain way. I'm putting 272 00:17:34.759 --> 00:17:39.720 it back on you. Now if you attack, if you 273 00:17:39.799 --> 00:17:43.960 attack me, you're unconscious is going to go, why are 274 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.319 you attacking them for for something that looks good? I'm 275 00:17:48.359 --> 00:17:52.839 having compassion towards you, so they can't they can't do that. 276 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:55.000 So with the way your unconscious works is if you 277 00:17:55.119 --> 00:18:00.720 go to say something, and if you go to say 278 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:04.400 something against what somebody is saying and they repeated what 279 00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:07.279 you said because I'm saying you felt that way, if 280 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:11.160 you go to attack it, you're unconscious will will slam you, 281 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:13.799 like just hit you in the moment. So if you 282 00:18:13.799 --> 00:18:17.079 ever see, if you notice people, if someone has to 283 00:18:17.079 --> 00:18:20.640 start a sentence three times, what they're doing is they're 284 00:18:20.680 --> 00:18:23.680 trying to get around their unconscious brain. So whenever someone 285 00:18:23.720 --> 00:18:26.119 starts a sentence more than twice, I'll point to someone 286 00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:29.200 like the EDGs in the room, I'll say third time, 287 00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:32.880 and what I'm saying is listen very carefully because this 288 00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:36.440 person is trying to say something. They're trying to say 289 00:18:36.440 --> 00:18:39.880 something directly at you, and every time they make the step, 290 00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:43.359 they're unconscious. Ruts can't say that. You can't say that. 291 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:45.960 Now I'm really interested because I want to know what 292 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.839 are all the things you had to qualify to say 293 00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:49.880 what you wanted to say? Because if I take the 294 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:53.440 qualifiers out. I know you're guilty of that behavior. This 295 00:18:53.519 --> 00:18:55.720 is the one of the ways I read people. So 296 00:18:55.799 --> 00:18:58.880 when you see someone start a sentence three times, that's 297 00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:02.319 literally they're unc just stepping in and spanking them right 298 00:19:02.359 --> 00:19:06.759 in the moment. Because if I say something and you 299 00:19:06.839 --> 00:19:09.119 repeat back to me what I say and I want 300 00:19:09.160 --> 00:19:11.920 to negate that, I can't negate what I said, my 301 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.079 unconscious will hit me. So that's the trick in that sentence, 302 00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:17.880 I'm sorry you feel that way. Half of that sentence 303 00:19:17.960 --> 00:19:23.680 is something you already stated or showed. You can't reject it. 304 00:19:23.720 --> 00:19:26.480 So what I get from people is is, well, you 305 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:29.920 shouldn't feel sorry. I didn't ask you feel sorry, and 306 00:19:29.960 --> 00:19:33.200 I'm like, that's fine. I know a guy who said 307 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:37.039 this to a pastor was a narcissist, and the third 308 00:19:37.079 --> 00:19:39.279 time he said I'm sorry you feel that way, he goes, 309 00:19:39.640 --> 00:19:43.119 stop staying that and my friend goes, i'm sorry you 310 00:19:43.160 --> 00:19:49.880 feel that way. So that's the first the global like sentence. 311 00:19:49.960 --> 00:19:53.039 I tell people to stop the bleeding and to hold 312 00:19:53.079 --> 00:19:56.519 a narcissist at bay. That's the first thing you say 313 00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:56.920 to stop. 314 00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:01.279 Yeah, and you know, I'm glad that you brought up 315 00:20:01.319 --> 00:20:05.039 the social media thing, because that is such a problem 316 00:20:05.119 --> 00:20:10.519 these days, and people get so wrapped up and butt 317 00:20:10.599 --> 00:20:15.359 hurt and the way that people respond on a post 318 00:20:15.480 --> 00:20:20.279 or something, you know, whatever they say back to you, 319 00:20:20.279 --> 00:20:22.839 you know, and I people are like, well, how do 320 00:20:22.920 --> 00:20:28.240 you control that? And I'm like, my personal thing that 321 00:20:28.319 --> 00:20:31.440 I learned a long time ago, is you don't engage 322 00:20:31.480 --> 00:20:37.160 with toxic behavior, right, and so if somebody attacks me 323 00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:41.519 or says something nasty, I say something positive back and 324 00:20:41.559 --> 00:20:46.079 they stop. It never fails. 325 00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:49.599 Okay, So you do engage, because I'm going to say, absolved, 326 00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:52.039 there's four ways address a problem and if you ignore it, 327 00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:54.839 and I can tell another story about that, but you 328 00:20:54.960 --> 00:20:57.960 do engage, and then you just gave the answer. So 329 00:20:58.079 --> 00:21:00.559 let me show you why what you're doing works. This 330 00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:04.000 is this is leading right into the unconscious confrontation. So 331 00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:07.599 what's happening is is and you kind of if you 332 00:21:07.720 --> 00:21:09.599 if people have to close their eyes watching this to 333 00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:13.200 imagine this. But in the in the narcissist person's brain, 334 00:21:13.240 --> 00:21:17.079 there's a conscious brain and an unconscious brain. And we 335 00:21:17.119 --> 00:21:20.400 all use our conscious brain and we can access it, 336 00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:25.839 but we cannot directly access our unconscious. We we know 337 00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:28.920 what's in there in response to stuff we do, but 338 00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:33.400 our unconscious wants to know what we're thinking and what 339 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:39.119 we're feeling. That's why journaling helps, or sharing with another person, 340 00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:43.000 it doesn't even matter if another person's there. You can 341 00:21:43.079 --> 00:21:46.039 pretend someone's there, but you should. 342 00:21:46.119 --> 00:21:49.279 You can talk to yourself, is what he's saying, because 343 00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:52.640 he's talking to me, so he knows I do that well. 344 00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:55.680 Because that's one of the healthiest things because you're talking 345 00:21:55.759 --> 00:22:00.160 to your unconscious brain. So your unconscious brain is one, 346 00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:02.200 what do you think in janet? What are you thinking? 347 00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:04.960 And it's increasing your internal tension. And if you talk 348 00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:08.039 out loud, your unconscious goes that's what I wanted to hear, 349 00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:10.599 and now it gives you good chemicals. That's why when 350 00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:13.000 we share with a friend, we feel better. But if 351 00:22:13.240 --> 00:22:16.160 the friend didn't have to be there, so you journal, 352 00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:19.039 that's your unconscious sees that you talk out loud. Your 353 00:22:19.119 --> 00:22:22.279 unconscious sees that. So if you really understand how your 354 00:22:22.279 --> 00:22:26.039 brain works, you're going to understand that what you're doing 355 00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:29.160 is you are a minder soul. Then you are trying 356 00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:34.359 to reach your unconscious through your conscious brain. That's what 357 00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:37.240 you're really doing. So this is the war everybody has 358 00:22:37.240 --> 00:22:39.839 inside their brain. I actually look at people like they're 359 00:22:39.839 --> 00:22:44.599 a marriage, Like, there's your spouses are your conscious and unconscious. 360 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:49.119 So what I want to do with an unconscious confrontation 361 00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:52.640 is I want to get your conscious brain to say 362 00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:57.039 something that's going to set your unconscious off. So what 363 00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:00.000 you just did. So here's what's going on. The internal 364 00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:04.160 dialogue in a narcissist's brain is I take a shot 365 00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:07.839 at you online and again online. All this stuff is 366 00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:11.240 bullying and on LinkedIn. There are people who will hot 367 00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:14.160 link me to arguments because I can come and shut 368 00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:16.400 them down insightly, and I'm gonna show you how I 369 00:23:16.480 --> 00:23:19.039 do it, but you're already doing it. So what happens 370 00:23:19.119 --> 00:23:23.720 is is that they're saying, I wrote something mean to 371 00:23:23.839 --> 00:23:28.880 Janet and Janet wrote something mean back. Well, I'm justified 372 00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:32.279 in being mad at Janet, and unconscious brain, you better 373 00:23:32.359 --> 00:23:34.920 let me stay justified in being mad because that's really 374 00:23:34.920 --> 00:23:38.680 why the energy is so I get to keep doing that. Well, 375 00:23:40.559 --> 00:23:43.960 the argument I've made inside my head is unconscious brain 376 00:23:44.759 --> 00:23:47.920 energize me to be mean to Janet because she's being 377 00:23:47.960 --> 00:23:50.720 mean to me, and the unconscious brain goes, oh, so 378 00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:54.119 if Janet was nice to you, you wouldn't be mean 379 00:23:54.160 --> 00:23:57.680 to her, right of course, But no one's ever not 380 00:23:57.720 --> 00:23:59.440 going to be mean to nice to me because I'm 381 00:23:59.440 --> 00:24:02.119 going to be mean. So he means to you. When 382 00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:11.640 you're nice, he has to respond nicely. If he doesn't 383 00:24:11.680 --> 00:24:17.480 respond nicely, then his unconscious brain goes, wait a minute. 384 00:24:17.839 --> 00:24:21.960 You made this deal that you were going to be 385 00:24:22.039 --> 00:24:23.680 nice to the nice people. That's why I let you 386 00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:26.400 be mean to the mean people. But you're not being 387 00:24:26.519 --> 00:24:29.720 nice to the nice person. So I'm losing. I'm gotting 388 00:24:29.720 --> 00:24:32.079 out all your energy. And that person who loses all 389 00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:34.000 her energy and that's why you never hear from him. 390 00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:36.400 And I have the story I tell about this nurse 391 00:24:36.440 --> 00:24:39.279 I knew who had a who was training and this 392 00:24:39.359 --> 00:24:43.039 narcissistic nurse trainer was just ripping her. And I told 393 00:24:43.079 --> 00:24:49.759 this nurse I said, yeah, I said thank her, even 394 00:24:49.799 --> 00:24:51.759 though she's saying, you know all this stuff about you, 395 00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:55.519 just go thank you. I appreciate you doing this. She 396 00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:59.039 had better be nice to you or she can lose 397 00:24:59.079 --> 00:25:03.519 all energy. She thanked her really nice attitude. The nurse 398 00:25:03.559 --> 00:25:06.200 didn't say anything nice back, and the nurse spent three 399 00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:09.119 days walking around with no energy. And I told this nurse. 400 00:25:09.160 --> 00:25:12.720 I said, she needs to come back and basically confess 401 00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:14.839