WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.280 The latch under my finger sticks just a little, same 2 00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:09.320 as always. I jiggle the brass, easing the dead bolt 3 00:00:09.320 --> 00:00:12.720 opened by memory. It's almost midnight. The store front is dark, 4 00:00:12.759 --> 00:00:14.720 and the faintest light spills toward the street through the 5 00:00:14.759 --> 00:00:18.559 frosty glass. I pause, listening. The sound that drifts out 6 00:00:18.600 --> 00:00:21.000 isn't the harsh rattle of the espresso machine winding down 7 00:00:21.120 --> 00:00:24.879 by the lazy, lost sweep of the mop. It's laughter, low, easy, intnet, 8 00:00:24.879 --> 00:00:26.719 just audible beneath the hum of the roofed up vent. 9 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:29.120 I took my phone in my pocket and nudged the 10 00:00:29.160 --> 00:00:31.719 door shut behind me, the way I always do. The 11 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:34.479 tile is called under my souls. I frown at the 12 00:00:34.520 --> 00:00:36.759 faint tack left from that sticky summer storm last week, 13 00:00:36.840 --> 00:00:39.719 the one we never really cleaned up after. At the counter, 14 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:43.560 the cash draws open, reseats fann but untouched. I can 15 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:45.600 see a half finished mook' Sworld with blue glaize on 16 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.600 the counter, but nobody's in sight. I follow the voices 17 00:00:48.600 --> 00:00:51.840 towards the back room. There's another round of giggling, softer 18 00:00:51.960 --> 00:00:54.560 this time than a woman's quick breath as stop you'll 19 00:00:54.600 --> 00:00:56.840 ruin it, and a man's voice bend, replying it's not 20 00:00:56.920 --> 00:01:00.119 finished anyway. He'll never convert me to orange marr. I 21 00:01:00.200 --> 00:01:02.200 moved toward the swinging doll that leads to the storage 22 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:04.879 and prep area, feeling abruptly like I've walked into someone 23 00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:08.400 else's house by a mistake. There's a stranger to this displacement, 24 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:10.599 like being left outside your own joke, and it jolts me. 25 00:01:10.840 --> 00:01:13.439 This is my life too. I know this back room 26 00:01:13.480 --> 00:01:16.280 better than I know most parts of myself. I painted 27 00:01:16.280 --> 00:01:19.040 that wall, picked out every thrifted chair, planted, the pothos 28 00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:23.000 by the window bend always forgets to water. I half smile, quietly, absurd, 29 00:01:23.560 --> 00:01:26.359 I clear my throat before stepping in fully Ben a 30 00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:29.519 Marriager capart, not violently, just the subtle chin tilt. Bodies 31 00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:32.400 that have folded a little too close. Their hands brush 32 00:01:32.439 --> 00:01:34.239 over the rim of a mug, and Needa drops it 33 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:36.560 or lets go, almost as if each is reluctant to 34 00:01:36.640 --> 00:01:39.120 be the one to put something down first. There's a 35 00:01:39.120 --> 00:01:41.439 new batch of mugs on the battered wood table, glazes 36 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:44.159 still glossy from the kiln. I focus on their hands. 37 00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:46.840 Who's close to his, the spatters of orange on her knuckles, 38 00:01:46.920 --> 00:01:49.480 away his thumb seems to rest against the base of herrs, 39 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:53.200 like he's holding it in place without realizing. Ben recovers. First, 40 00:01:53.879 --> 00:01:56.200 he scared me, he says, with a quick, nervous smile, 41 00:01:56.239 --> 00:01:59.079 too big for the moment. We thought you'd gone home already, 42 00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:02.079 more just dropped off. He gestures vaguely to the mugs, 43 00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:04.840 as if inviting me into the scene. Mara lifts a 44 00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:07.079 cup toward me, Her cheeks a little flush beneath her 45 00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:09.879 coppery hair. It's a kiln error. Sort of came out 46 00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:12.919 bolder than I intended, she laughs, as sounded culprital if 47 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:15.800 I didn't already know. She laughs like that. Sometimes. I 48 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:18.319 was inspired after our talk last night. I wanted to 49 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:21.479 trust something riskier. I look at Ben, who glances away, 50 00:02:21.560 --> 00:02:23.840 busying himself with a tea towel drying off his palms. 51 00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:26.800 The knee batch is stunning, I say, forcing my voice 52 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:28.599 to sound like I mean it, like I don't mind 53 00:02:28.599 --> 00:02:31.759 being the audience to something I missed. What's the symbol here, 54 00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:35.319 I ask, studying the bottom of the mug in Mara's hands. 55 00:02:35.879 --> 00:02:39.039 Mara grins, then covers the stamp with her thumb, justin 56 00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:42.520 in joke. She says, lightly deflected, testing out a few 57 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:46.719 new marks. They both laugh, easy practiced, not the orange 58 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:50.039 glaze again. Ben repeats a catchphrase I haven't heard before, 59 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:53.080 and Mara giggles, touching his shoulder. I forced my mouth 60 00:02:53.080 --> 00:02:55.120 into a polite cove, feeling like a tourist at my 61 00:02:55.159 --> 00:02:57.800 own coffee shop, and moved to the shelves, suddenly aware 62 00:02:57.800 --> 00:03:00.599 of my own movements. We were just wrap up. Ben 63 00:03:00.639 --> 00:03:03.479 offers quickly, almost giving the sense that my presence requires 64 00:03:03.479 --> 00:03:06.560 a reason. To end their communion, Mars headed out you, 65 00:03:06.800 --> 00:03:10.080 how did you need something? The words hang awkwardly. I 66 00:03:10.120 --> 00:03:11.719 look at him, at the way his eyes flick to 67 00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:14.840 Morrow and then to me in quick succession. Nothing special, 68 00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:17.919 I say, quieter than I intend. I left my laptop 69 00:03:17.960 --> 00:03:20.400 in the office. I figured you'd be home soon. Ben 70 00:03:20.439 --> 00:03:22.400 shrugs off the tension with a smile that feels a 71 00:03:22.439 --> 00:03:25.759 few beats late. I'll walk up here, morrre you ready. 72 00:03:26.360 --> 00:03:29.520 Mars sets down her mug with a careful clink. Of course, 73 00:03:29.599 --> 00:03:31.879 thanks for the input to night, Ben, see you tomorrow, 74 00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:35.080 He nods too, eager, and then Morrow brushes past me, 75 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:38.159 warm and perfumed with something soft, and would sye night. 76 00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:42.159 She says, barely looking back, then busies himself wiping down 77 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:44.800 the countertop. As I collect my things, the room is 78 00:03:44.840 --> 00:03:47.759 suddenly stripped of energy now that she's gone. Sorry you 79 00:03:47.800 --> 00:03:50.000 walked in mid chaos, he offers, but the apology is 80 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:52.879 oddly perfunctory. His eyes are fixed on the dish towel, 81 00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:56.400 not me. Bit's fine, I say, you two seem deep 82 00:03:56.439 --> 00:04:00.479 into something. He pauses, finally meeting my gaze. There's something 83 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:04.240 I can't read in his expression. Wary, guilty, just tired. 84 00:04:04.919 --> 00:04:07.400 Mar's got this eye for detail. Keep me on my toes, 85 00:04:07.560 --> 00:04:10.319 he says, as if that's the obvious answer. I look 86 00:04:10.360 --> 00:04:12.599 at the mugs, the one Morrow brought still damp, the 87 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:15.919 unfamiliar symbol burn into its base. I'll take this home, 88 00:04:16.040 --> 00:04:19.079 I say, wrap in my fingers around it. The warmth 89 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:21.279 grounds me. Some small proof may be that I have 90 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:24.319 a place in all this. We walk out together, not touching, 91 00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:27.040 our routines, suddenly over lapping clumsily where they used to 92 00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:29.680 groove and flow. Even before we step out into the 93 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:31.759 midnight shell, and I lock the door behind us, I 94 00:04:31.800 --> 00:04:34.920 know I would sleep. I tell myself, I'm being ridiculous 95 00:04:35.079 --> 00:04:37.079 that what a soul can be explained by long hours 96 00:04:37.079 --> 00:04:39.959 and creative partnerships that sometimes when you work closely, especially 97 00:04:40.040 --> 00:04:43.519 on something tactile, hands on unpredictable like ceramics, lines blur, 98 00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:46.959 but the feeling doesn't fade. It's RUMs in my chest, 99 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:49.000 a nake of exclusion, as if the story of my 100 00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:50.839 life or our life, is being retold with a chapter 101 00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:53.519 I haven't read. On the walk home, Ben talks about 102 00:04:53.560 --> 00:04:55.720 the new blends they'll launch next month, and how the 103 00:04:55.720 --> 00:04:57.839 citrus highlights in Marrow's mugs are going to change the 104 00:04:57.879 --> 00:05:01.680 way people think about presentation. I listen, nodding dutifully, but 105 00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:03.839 I can't shake the image of their hands almost touching, 106 00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:06.120 the easy and self conscious way of bodies drifted toward 107 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:08.759 each other. It occurs to me that lately I have 108 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:11.360 to make appointments to see my own husband, the day's 109 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:14.519 field booked in advance for someone else's plans. We'd take 110 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:17.079 a long way through Three Pints Square or City's Green Hut, 111 00:05:17.160 --> 00:05:20.000 the spot where we first met six years earlier. It 112 00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:22.600 was a fall festival, live jazz, apple cider, the wooden 113 00:05:22.600 --> 00:05:25.399 stalls done up and bunting. Ben was managing the tea 114 00:05:25.439 --> 00:05:28.240 stall for a friend I've been darting between vendors for work, 115 00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:31.199 my notebook full of scribbles no one ever read. We'd 116 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:33.600 collide it over spilt coffee, hands full of paper cups 117 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:36.519 and navy ink. He charmed me by apologizing with free 118 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:39.319 espresso while I wiped off the stains. We'd spend the 119 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:42.920 afternoon talking about art in public spaces, lazy Sunday breakfasts, 120 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:46.279 good espresso in the city's secret places. That night, our 121 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:48.759 first is still clear as a belle walking home together, 122 00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:52.360 sharing silence as easily as words. I remember the particular 123 00:05:52.439 --> 00:05:54.879 kind of closeness, that feeling of letting someone into the soft, 124 00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:59.519 yawning gap inside your ribs. I imagine us then laughing, restless, 125 00:05:59.519 --> 00:06:02.839 the world's lie lightly expanded by each other's presence. Back then, 126 00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:05.000 I never worried I need text a call before turning 127 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:07.439 the key in our own shop. Back then, if I 128 00:06:07.480 --> 00:06:09.639 caught him with anyone, there'd have been no second thoughts 129 00:06:09.639 --> 00:06:13.639 about what it meant. Six years Marie just passed our 130 00:06:13.720 --> 00:06:16.040 late twenties, both of us buoyed by the certainty that 131 00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:18.759 building something together, our home, this coffee shop, our circle 132 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:21.079 of friends, would create a safety net against the drifting apart. 133 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:24.199 We sought in couples around us, no kids by choice, 134 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:26.279 not because we couldn't, but because the days seemed so full, 135 00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:29.279 Sunday nights with new beans to try, gallery shows, city walks, 136 00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:32.360 making something the fel doers. Everyone said we were the 137 00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:34.920 picture of balance, each other's first call, partners in every 138 00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:38.879 way that meant something. Then handles people, customers, local politicians, 139 00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:41.120 the little dramas of staff turned over with a kind 140 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:44.600 of effortasies I've always envied. I call him charismatic. He 141 00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:47.680 says he just likes listening. I'm quiet. Our focus A 142 00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:50.720 planner by training and inclination, he spun out a thousand 143 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:53.879 ideas for the sharp seasonal pop ups, poetry nights, fundraisers. 144 00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:57.240 I keep the books, the marketing, the design, underpinned with 145 00:06:57.319 --> 00:06:59.800 something solid and pragmatic choices. You can live within the 146 00:06:59.839 --> 00:07:02.879 life of day we work, I've always thought, because so 147 00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:05.480 much of us is unlike our share of rituals grew 148 00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:08.879 up around those differences. Mornings I'd brew the first part. 149 00:07:08.920 --> 00:07:10.959 He'd tinker with, tweaks of pinch more cardamon as so 150 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:15.160 poor while chatting up whoever wandered. Past evenings, sometimes dinner 151 00:07:15.199 --> 00:07:17.680 out with friends, other times splitting a bottle of red 152 00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:20.600 in front of by TV. Most of all Sunday nights 153 00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:22.639 belonged to us, closing up the shop after the weekend, 154 00:07:22.800 --> 00:07:24.879 unlocking a new bag of beans, always a little too 155 00:07:24.879 --> 00:07:28.560 expensive research, Ben would claim, savoring the taste, scoring notes, 156 00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:31.560 laughing at each other's pretensions. It was the hour I 157 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:34.920 felt most sure of us, of our stubborn attempt to happiness. Lately, 158 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:37.399 though there had been changes, a different sleep schedule, more 159 00:07:37.560 --> 00:07:40.680 work spilling over into home. The expansion last spring had 160 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:45.240 doubled us stress, new seating, longer hours, inventory risks. Instead 161 00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:47.920 late moore the lines between a home man at work fraying. 162 00:07:48.439 --> 00:07:50.519 I tell myself it was just one of the hard phases, 163 00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:52.680 the inevitable full lot of trying to grow without losing 164 00:07:52.680 --> 00:07:56.160 what mattered. Some nights, though, watching him scratch out ideas 165 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:58.160 and is batter at sketchbrook lost to the world. Even 166 00:07:58.199 --> 00:08:00.279 as I sat beside him on the sofa, I catch 167 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:04.040 myself worrying, worrying that for someone as creative and kinnecticus Ben, 168 00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:07.519 I've become too much foundation, not enough spark. That sense 169 00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:09.439 of being left behind is hard to admit out loud, 170 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:12.399 especially to the person you're afraid of losing. I'd always 171 00:08:12.399 --> 00:08:14.759 thought honesty was the corner stump between us, even our 172 00:08:14.879 --> 00:08:18.360 arguments when they happened. Had never been about hiding everything 173 00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:21.079 out in the open, even if it hurt. But as 174 00:08:21.079 --> 00:08:24.120 we walk home that night, Ben's steps lie, his attention divided. 175 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:26.720 A small doubt plants itself quite but in Sissen, maybe 176 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:29.560 I'm not seeing everything, Maybe parts of him are drifting 177 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.559 beyond what I'm allowed to access. I try to brush 178 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:36.879 it off. Creative collaborations are close, sometimes messy, but I 179 00:08:36.919 --> 00:08:38.720 do wonder as he kisses me on the cheek and 180 00:08:38.759 --> 00:08:41.519 disappears into the bathroom whether I'm building drama out of nothing, 181 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:43.200 or if I miss in a shape of something real 182 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.639 I'm folding out of my view. The next morning, I 183 00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:47.879 sit on the edge of the bed, scrolling the shops, Instagram, 184 00:08:47.879 --> 00:08:51.879 feet apart, ritual part procrastination. Then comes in, towel wrapped 185 00:08:51.919 --> 00:08:54.679 around his waist, hair still damp. He glances at the 186 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:56.759 clock and hurries me along. Can you shoot me a 187 00:08:56.759 --> 00:08:58.679 text if you're coming in to day. I've got Mrror 188 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:01.919 and the delivery guys, and it's packed. I pause, thumb, 189 00:09:01.960 --> 00:09:04.720 hovering over my phone, I have my key. I wasn't 190 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:07.320 planning a full shift, but I could swing by after lunch. 191 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:10.840 Ben busies himself with his soft drawer, just to let 192 00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:13.080 me know, Okay, the schedule's tight and I need some 193 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:15.240 heads up to plan. Things are a bit chaotic lately. 194 00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:18.919 It's not much on its own. Everyone appreciates a warning, 195 00:09:19.080 --> 00:09:21.360 especially if the shop's full of new hires and he's 196 00:09:21.360 --> 00:09:25.120 managing inventory changes. But I notice I feel weirdly unwelcome. 197 00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:28.559 A technicality, maybe, but it stings. It's the first time 198 00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:32.000 I realized I've started needing permission to drop in. That afternoon, 199 00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:34.519 I decide not to go in. I work from home, 200 00:09:34.600 --> 00:09:38.039 compile in verses, chase down a late bender around three 201 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:41.559 Bentech's long day. Bess if you skipped today. Mar's here late. 202 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:44.840 We're reworking display. He attaches a photo of new mugs 203 00:09:44.879 --> 00:09:47.480 as shot I know he didn't take because Morrow's manicured 204 00:09:47.519 --> 00:09:49.919 fingers appear at the corner, adjusting the arrangement just so. 205 00:09:50.639 --> 00:09:52.159 She's Marre at the bottom of the mugs with a 206 00:09:52.200 --> 00:09:54.600 new symbol, free intersecting lines that don't look like her 207 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:57.440 old circular motif. I stare at them for a while, 208 00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:59.519 a little thrown none of it rings a bell, and 209 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:03.000 unusually looped him before new mech chitch shelves. I almost 210 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:05.159 ask about it, but the words what did ease marks mean? 211 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:09.159 Is there a system? Sound absurd, childish. As soon as 212 00:10:09.159 --> 00:10:11.360 I frame them in my head, I let it go. 213 00:10:12.039 --> 00:10:14.639 The rest of the wheat piles on is expected to contracts, 214 00:10:14.919 --> 00:10:18.960 bill pay emails Saturday. I suggest helping at the weekend market, 215 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:21.159 and gives me a polite thanks. But I've already got 216 00:10:21.240 --> 00:10:24.960 marrow for that. He's apologetic, almost rehearsed, she offered, and 217 00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:27.360 I don't want to change her plans last minute. Besides, 218 00:10:27.519 --> 00:10:30.720 you hate standing in the cold for hours. I protest weekly, 219 00:10:30.759 --> 00:10:32.919 but my heart's not in it. I try to tell 220 00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:34.919 myself that this is good ben, finding some one who 221 00:10:34.919 --> 00:10:37.320 can match that creative social spock, freeing me up to 222 00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:40.000 deal with what I'm best at. I still drop by 223 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:42.399 Sunday evenings for our coffee tasting, refusing to let go 224 00:10:42.440 --> 00:10:45.440 of that ritual. This time, he scattered, checking his phone, 225 00:10:45.519 --> 00:10:48.960 his attention darting. I try to tease him back, making 226 00:10:48.960 --> 00:10:50.919 a dumb joke about my supposedly to all blend a 227 00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:54.600 safe bear for a laugh. Usually instead he says yeah, 228 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.440 well sometimes safe gets boring almost absently, then seems startled 229 00:10:58.480 --> 00:11:01.799 by his own words. He apologizes quickly tries to smooth 230 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:04.519 the moment over, but it lingers. I sit my mug 231 00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:06.639 down and excuse myself to bed, listening to the low 232 00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:10.080 hush of messages buzzing into his phone. By Tuesday, Mara's 233 00:11:10.080 --> 00:11:13.320 corner table becomes a fixture. At first, she'd shown up 234 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:15.519 with a backpack or crate, setting out her sample mugs 235 00:11:15.519 --> 00:11:17.919 and half a dozen reference watches, sketching while she waited 236 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:20.799 for Bent to finish inventory. Now she's there three nights 237 00:11:20.799 --> 00:11:23.399 in a row, staying well after the shop closes, sipping 238 00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:26.159 espresso while Bend wipes down counters, then locks the doors. 239 00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:30.000 I run into Leela, our longest serving barrister, who mentions 240 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:32.720 it's nice having Marrow here to bounce ideas off. Yeah, 241 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:34.679 she keeps us from getting stuck in the same rut. 242 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:38.279 A nod. Not quite trusting myself to reply, I try 243 00:11:38.279 --> 00:11:40.360 to tell myself that bringing an outside talent is part 244 00:11:40.360 --> 00:11:42.360 of the shop's charm, and that I'm only jealous because 245 00:11:42.399 --> 00:11:46.240 I feel left out. Then Thursday, while sorting receipts for taxes. 246 00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:48.720 I stumble on an Amex charge, Ben's card, the Sharp's 247 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:51.960 vendor account. Two dinners at last, Pacho's, a place we 248 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:54.080 haven't splourshed done in a year, listed on a night 249 00:11:54.120 --> 00:11:55.840 he'd claimed he was a meeting with a new supply. 250 00:11:56.559 --> 00:11:58.960 I put the slip aside, telling myself is probably a 251 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:01.639 business dinner, though I don't remember any new wholesale accounts. 252 00:12:02.320 --> 00:12:04.919 I touched the logo, running numbers in my head, wondering 253 00:12:04.919 --> 00:12:07.120 what exactly was discussed over duck can fit and eighteen 254 00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:10.759 dollars cocktails. I'm exasperated, in a little ashamed for snooping, 255 00:12:10.759 --> 00:12:13.840 but I ask later, half joking, how is the supplier dinner? 256 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:17.039 You pick up some magic beans? Then Flicks threw his phone, 257 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:19.879 not looking up though yet it was about the new 258 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:22.559 box a reamics order. Marow knows the owner, so it 259 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:25.399 was good for leverage. He doesn't say him he dined with, 260 00:12:25.559 --> 00:12:28.480 or why it took three hours? Another joke from a friend, 261 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:31.320 or was it a warning? Echoes in my head, careful, 262 00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:33.120 he's going to leave you for his new work wife. 263 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:36.720 Everyone lasts, including me, but their voices linger after the 264 00:12:36.759 --> 00:12:39.919 party ends. It's harder to laugh the third time it's said. 265 00:12:40.559 --> 00:12:42.720 Running the books for the next week, I catch Cheval 266 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:47.240 Lodge transfers to Morrow's name labeled materials. It reeks of formality, 267 00:12:47.320 --> 00:12:49.000 and the numbers are higher than night expect for the 268 00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:52.120 volume of mugs on display. I know what clay costs 269 00:12:52.320 --> 00:12:55.159 what local serramis typically charge, because I placed the initial 270 00:12:55.240 --> 00:12:57.639 order with Morra lost Winter. When I bring up the 271 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:01.039 dip in finances, bend Fleck's expenses are front loaded. Lots 272 00:13:01.080 --> 00:13:04.360 of a new prototypes take time. I try to press further, 273 00:13:04.440 --> 00:13:07.720 but he shuts down, changing topics. At first, I worry 274 00:13:07.759 --> 00:13:09.159 that this is all in my head, that a dozen 275 00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:12.000 little things have accumulated into anxiety simply because the shop 276 00:13:12.039 --> 00:13:14.360 is straining, money is tighter, and Ben is stretched too thin. 277 00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:17.440 I remind myself that we always told each other trust 278 00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:20.120 until you have a real reason not to. That night, 279 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:22.240 as we smooth out the finances, I point to a 280 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:25.639 payment triple what we'd agreed for materials. Did Mara billas 281 00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:29.200 for the new batch wholesale? He shrugs. The studio has 282 00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:32.200 gotten more expensive and she's using high endclay now. She's 283 00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:35.039 practically a partner at this point, not just a contractor. 284 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:37.840 I'll talk to her about keeping it lean, partner. I 285 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:40.840 catch that word and hold it. I nod slowly, not 286 00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:43.320 sure if I should challenge it. In the past, Ben 287 00:13:43.360 --> 00:13:45.559 would have run every major change past me. Now I 288 00:13:45.679 --> 00:13:49.159 learned these things secondhand to receipts at home. I watch 289 00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:52.759 us try to recapture old intimacy. Sunday, I attempt to 290 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:54.759 talk to Edge, back into the place where we share 291 00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:58.120 worries instead of swapping logistics. I say, do you miss 292 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:01.840 our late night talks the coffee tastings, Then, slutched on 293 00:14:01.879 --> 00:14:05.080 the sofa, rubs his eyes. It's not about you, he says. 294 00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:07.679 I'm just tired, and you know we keep going over 295 00:14:07.720 --> 00:14:09.440 the same stuff. I need a break from all the 296 00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:13.840 business talk. Sometimes my chest tightens. It wasn't business, I 297 00:14:13.919 --> 00:14:18.279 meant us, He exhales, exasperated. Can we not do this now? 298 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:21.600 I just let's just watch something. He gestures to the TV. 299 00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:24.480 Unwilling or maybe unable, to keep peeling the layers back. 300 00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:27.879 I contemplate talking tomorrow directly to cut through the haze. 301 00:14:28.399 --> 00:14:30.639 I imagine myself brazenly pulling up a chair at her 302 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:33.440 corner table, saying, off the record is There's something I 303 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:36.840 need to know, but it feels paranoid, dramatic, and beneath 304 00:14:36.879 --> 00:14:39.879 my own sense of dignity. Besides, if I'm wrong, I 305 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:42.679 resk alienating them both, looking like the cuchet jealous wife 306 00:14:42.679 --> 00:14:46.879 who can't handle business boundaries. Instead, I keep observing. I 307 00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:48.919 start to think about lines when they blur and when 308 00:14:48.919 --> 00:14:52.679 they're crossed. The next week, small things start stacking. Then 309 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:56.320 spends more and more evenings troubleshooting with Mara. When I 310 00:14:56.399 --> 00:14:58.600 offer to help brainstorm a new event, he thanks we 311 00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:01.840 but insists Morrow already has the creative under control. He 312 00:15:01.919 --> 00:15:05.080 starts arriving home smelling like a familiar perfume, woody, spicy, 313 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:07.159 the same note I remember from the night Marrow pass 314 00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:09.679 me in the back room. One afternoon, I finished some 315 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:12.639 paperwork at the shop and linger longer than usual from 316 00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:15.080 the office, which sits behind a thin wooden door near 317 00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:18.080 the kitchen. I can hear voices, at first professional business like, 318 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:21.120 then shifting into something else. Laughter traded in half whispers. 319 00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.279 Ben is saying you always seem to know exactly what 320 00:15:24.360 --> 00:15:26.519 I need to hear, and more laughs, a soft snot 321 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:28.879 followed by maybe we should record this for a podcast 322 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:31.879 Secrets of the Serial Overthinker. I push the door open 323 00:15:31.960 --> 00:15:34.799 just enough to hear feat shuffle, then silence. I make 324 00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:37.960 some extra noise, moving files, pretending I heard nothing. When 325 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:41.399 I emerge, they are both pointlessly busy. Marrow vosses with samples, 326 00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:44.840 Ben filling out forms that don't require urgent attention. I 327 00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:48.279 wonder what I would see if I barged unexpected that evening, 328 00:15:48.399 --> 00:15:51.559 Ben forgets our coffee ritual entirely. I sit alone at 329 00:15:51.559 --> 00:15:54.000 the kitchen counter, the Niemarra mug in my hand and 330 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:56.600 taste a blend that is too acidicon. Then, when he 331 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:00.720 finally arrives hours late, he apologizes, mumbles something a suppliers, 332 00:16:00.840 --> 00:16:03.919 and disappears into bed, shoes still on. At this point, 333 00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:05.799 even our staff are more in the loop than I am. 334 00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:09.799 Leela gently when she hands me the deposit envelope, teases, 335 00:16:09.879 --> 00:16:12.039 don't let Ben and Marrow drawn you out. Okay, you're 336 00:16:12.039 --> 00:16:14.679 still half the heart of this place. I smile. I'm 337 00:16:14.679 --> 00:16:17.840 sure how to reply. The following Saturday, I go through 338 00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:20.840 the business credit statements in earnest, noting that Morrow's payments 339 00:16:20.879 --> 00:16:23.519 are not just higher, but inconsistent. Sometimes two or three 340 00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:25.799 batches of materials in a week, even when there's no 341 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:28.799 visible increase in mocks on hand. When I mention it 342 00:16:28.840 --> 00:16:30.960 to Ben, his patience for questions is thinner than ever. 343 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.759 We're investing in her process, not just a product, he says, 344 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:37.960 more sharply than intended. You want a more local art. 345 00:16:38.039 --> 00:16:41.600 Right another night, a clock out, early after an exhausting day. 346 00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:44.519 As I step outside, I see Ben walking Marrow to 347 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:47.440 her car at the alleyway. The way they angled, bodies, clothes, 348 00:16:47.559 --> 00:16:50.240 shoulders cantered toward each other. Marw's head tipped just a little, 349 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:52.639 like she's saying something meant only for a Zerit intimate 350 00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:55.200 in a way I find myself catalog in despite myself. 351 00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:58.440 Ben's hand brushes her elbow, holding it longer than needed. 352 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:00.799 She looks up at him, and there's a half smell 353 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:03.120 on his face, an expression I can't quite pin, but 354 00:17:03.159 --> 00:17:07.119 I recognize this direction. It's not business. I duck around 355 00:17:07.160 --> 00:17:09.400 the corner before either can see me, feeling sick with 356 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:11.319 the particular mix of shame and fear that comes from 357 00:17:11.319 --> 00:17:13.960 seeing something private you can't and see. I want to 358 00:17:13.960 --> 00:17:16.119 call Ben out, asked, plainly, are you in love with her? 359 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:18.440 I want to confront Murra, a demand to know what 360 00:17:18.519 --> 00:17:21.759 partner really means in this context, but I hesitate. If 361 00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:24.039 I'm wrong, it's the end of business harmony at best, 362 00:17:24.119 --> 00:17:26.759 at worst, the confirmation that I am dramatic, anxious, someone 363 00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:30.200 who sabotattes her own marriage out of envy. Instead, I 364 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:33.119 tend to the numbers, quietly adjusting margin's, double checking stock. 365 00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:36.599 Every batch of mugs that arrives now carries another new 366 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:39.920 symbol and more elaborate motif, like a secret code. I 367 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:43.119 can't decipher them, and marn never offers to explain. I 368 00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:45.359 begin to wonder if the designs are a language only 369 00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:48.079 she and Ben speak. The next Sunday, I arrive for 370 00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:50.440 our ritual to find Ben already setting up the tasting. 371 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:53.119 I tell myself this is a good sign, a return 372 00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:55.640 to normal. But his hand shake as he weighs the beans, 373 00:17:55.799 --> 00:17:58.599 eyes flicking to his phone every minute. I try asking 374 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:00.839 about the new investor, he keeps rough and sing, wondering 375 00:18:00.839 --> 00:18:03.200 if the expansion will change the shape of our lives together. 376 00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:07.359 He seems almost relieved to talk numbers. They want more artisanal, 377 00:18:07.440 --> 00:18:10.839 more authentic design work, handpher and mugs, uniqual operations. You 378 00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:13.480 know Mara's been incredible with that. She's basically the creative 379 00:18:13.519 --> 00:18:16.359 lead for product lines. Now, I try for a smile. 380 00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:19.720 I like being in the loop. I say, maybe next 381 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.240 time I could help with the launch. He nod to 382 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:25.799 distract it, not really committing. Sure, let me finish up 383 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:28.279 some details with Mara Frost. We'll do it together. I'll 384 00:18:28.279 --> 00:18:30.640 need your rye for the presentation stuff. Maybe next week. 385 00:18:31.079 --> 00:18:34.119 I let myself believe him for a little while. That night, 386 00:18:34.200 --> 00:18:36.079 I find him in the living room, hunched over the 387 00:18:36.119 --> 00:18:39.519 coffee table with inverses spread everywhere. It's late and the 388 00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:42.119 light is low, turning his hair almost gray at the edges. 389 00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:44.960 He looks up as I step in, exhaustion in his face. 390 00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:48.480 Investor wants everything perfect, he says, before I can speak. 391 00:18:49.000 --> 00:18:51.000 If we get this, we are set through next year. 392 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:54.640 How's Mara handling the changes, I ask, hoping my voice 393 00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:57.759 sounds neutral. She's great, Ben says, voice softening for the 394 00:18:57.799 --> 00:19:00.880 first time in days. She puts up with my craziness, 395 00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:02.720 comes with ten ideas for every one of mine. I 396 00:19:02.759 --> 00:19:04.799 don't think we'd be close to locking this down without her. 397 00:19:05.319 --> 00:19:08.839 He leans back, stretching. I know you're worry he continues, 398 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:11.960 staring at the ceiling. But nothing's happening. That's not about 399 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.000 the shop, marrs, she's basically family now. Every one's joking, 400 00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:18.200 but she gets it. He looks at me, then really looks, 401 00:19:18.279 --> 00:19:19.799