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Speaker 1: The best way to support this podcast is by going

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to patreon dot com slash Softcore History, where for five

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dollars a month you will get eight extra episodes a month,

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plus an entire three year ever green back catalog of

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content episodes like this, blogs, sketches, game shows, us playing

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historical board games like Risk. You cannot run out of

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please like and leave a review on Apple Podcasts, and

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dot com slash softcore History.

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Speaker 2: On today's softcore History, we're talking about King.

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Speaker 1: Mithridates, the king who apparently could not be poisoned no

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matter how hard anyone tried.

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Speaker 2: The poison King. He became totally immune to all forms

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of toxic substances that entered his body. He was a

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descendant from both Cyrus and Alexander the Great, and he

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was in his mind destined for big things.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but a little empire called Rome had other plans apparently.

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Welcome to softcore History.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to softcore History. I'm your host for a week,

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Damn Regester joined has always been Rob Fox.

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Speaker 1: What up? Got my favorite new hat on? I'm having

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a good night.

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Speaker 2: What is that hat?

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Speaker 1: While back, we did an episode on the Patreon of

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the main I can't remember about the Wyoming State Penitentiary

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All Stars. It's a baseball team full of murderers and

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killers and rapists and probably a black guy who got

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arrested for driving black.

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Speaker 2: They played a lot of high schools.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they would play high schools anyway. It's a baseball

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team in a Wyoming State prison and the warden so

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Shashank Redemption, I feel like not a totally inaccurate movie

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in terms of like prison wardens being corrupt bastards trying

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to make a dime off their guys.

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Speaker 2: Hasn't changed, I'll probably not. Slave labor is a thing

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in private prisons to this day.

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Speaker 1: This team, and you can watch our YouTube to see

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the hat if you want to guess, this team was

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really good and beat the shit out of a couple

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high schools, and their best player was on death row.

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He was a literal murder.

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Speaker 2: They were teaching him life lessons though.

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Speaker 1: The kids. Yeah, I guess, like if you get to

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work out a lot in prison or.

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Speaker 2: No, just older people are gonna just like shove your

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shit in.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, A sixteen year old doesn't stand a chance

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against the grown ass man. No, but yeah, they beat

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the shit out of full of Disappointment and their star,

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whose name I forget was they were trying to get

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him off of the off at death row so he

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could keep playing.

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Speaker 2: Now he was ultimately made into shoes.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, he was executed and then they skinned him, not alive,

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they skinned him, skinned his corpse and made shoes out

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of it, which was a tradition in Wyoming at the time.

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All true. Go back and look for that episode. This

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is unresentary. Ay. I was online one day on this

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web one.

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Speaker 2: Of my favorite episodes.

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Speaker 1: Actually really, I was on this website that makes old

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timing baseball and other sports shit called Ebbittt's Flannels no

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pre plugs, no whatever.

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Speaker 2: Well that's where I got it. Anyway, I want to

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invoice them.

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Speaker 1: I was like looking through their different states that they

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had and I just saw Wyoming. I was like, what

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could possibly be from Wyoming? And it was this. It

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was the fucking prison Team And I was like it

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was like one in the morning. I was like, bought it.

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I was drunk. I was like, no questions asked. I

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did an episode on these guys. Fucking done.

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Speaker 2: We're to talk about a man. Eastern prophecies foretold of

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a god sent savior king whose arrival would be announced

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by a star and his rise to power would crumble

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an evil empire.

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Speaker 1: Feels like it's not Jesus.

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Speaker 2: We of course were talking about Mithridates.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know anything about this person.

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Speaker 2: In this second century BC, a commet lit the world

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up and made it appear, as Roman historian Justin put

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it as.

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Speaker 1: It Justinian, No, just Justin Justin Okay, historian Justin sick.

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I mean that was her name.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, uh, he put it as if the sky

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was on fire. It passed in one thirty five BC,

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coinciding with the birth of the Pontus Prince, and again

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in one nineteen BC during his eventual coronation.

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Speaker 1: Oh, Pontus. They're a very annoying faction in Rome. Total war. Uh.

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They're in modern day Turkey, so they're kind of a

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Greek like Eastern Greek situation.

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Speaker 2: They're all up in the Black Sea, yep.

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Speaker 1: And man, they're annoying. It's like they just won't ever

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go away.

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Speaker 2: We're gonna talk about how annoying they were today.

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Speaker 1: Fuck yeah, let's go. It's like because they And then

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one time I tried to play them, I was like,

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I wonder if they're fun because there an't no other units.

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Suck ass. I don't understand that terrible, terrible units, Like

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I don't understand why how they kept being such a bother,

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but they were got it every time I would just

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Troy Pontus, that was a good moment.

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Speaker 2: Well, he was a mixed Iranian and Greek descent born,

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and he could trace his royal bloodlines to both Cyrus

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and Alexander the Great Sick.

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Speaker 1: So this is Pontus's post Alexander, probably a kingdom that

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comes up after the breakup of Alexander's and.

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Speaker 2: We're talking about the one thirties to like sixty BC.

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Speaker 1: Right right, right, But so his empire's already broken up

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and got the Ptolemy's In Egypt, the Seleucids, obviously, Macedon

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is still there, there's the Greek city states and blah

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blah blah, blah blah.

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Speaker 2: Pontus was at the time a relatively small kingdom on

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the Black Sea in the Antolian Peninsula in what is

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now modern day Turkey. Mithridatees father Mithridates the Fifth had

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an incredibly long reign, last in over three decades and

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wasn't an ally of Rome, helping defeat Carthage in the

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Third Punic War.

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Speaker 1: That was an easy one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, he got in there late, getting some stolen valor.

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Speaker 1: That's like Italy saying they helped defeat the Germans in

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World War Two. Technically true, they switched sides a little

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late in the game though.

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Speaker 2: Now our boy Mity six, his childhood was wrapped with

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mythological lore, and we'll start with him supposedly being struck

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by lightning, only leaving a small scar on his head

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in the shape of a crown.

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Speaker 1: Oh so he's like Harry Potter for them a little bit.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Mithridates the Fifth rain comes to a screeching halt

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after three decades when he's poisoned at a lavish party

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in one twenty BC. Many suspected his own wife Lao

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d C, who then took power as regent, was perhaps

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behind the poisoning.

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Speaker 1: So what she wanted her kid to take over?

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Speaker 2: She didn't like this kid.

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Speaker 1: She didn't like m six.

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Speaker 2: She didn't like m six. Oh shit, okay, because there

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was another child that she preferred mm also named Mithridates.

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Speaker 1: Well, got George foreman it back? Then we do.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot of Mithridates, I get it.

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Speaker 1: That's fine.

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Speaker 2: So she preferred his brother. They were supposedly plot into

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poison our guy M six, but apparently he had a

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pretty strong stomach and survived several attempts on his life

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in his teen years.

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Speaker 1: Good lord. So he just keeps getting like diarrhea or something,

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and he's.

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Speaker 2: Like, fuck, it's like, what has happened against food again?

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Did the cook not prepare this properly?

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Speaker 1: Kill this cook too? Good lord? It just to just

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keep being awful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, how many chefs died?

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Speaker 1: Right? I swear the slaves in this palace.

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Speaker 2: After a couple of times, he figured out it wasn't

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food poisoning.

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Speaker 1: Fool me three times, shame on, And.

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Speaker 2: It was best to get out of dodge before his

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mother finally found the right chemicals to kill him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't. Really. It's like, uh, there's only so

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many times when your basketball team's on defense that you

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can let the team get an offensive board before that

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ball's going in. Yeah, from no matter where. It is,

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like if they just keep getting offensive boards and tossing

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it back out to the three point line. One's going

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to hit.

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Speaker 2: Our guy kind of had an iron stomach.

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Speaker 1: There's the lightning it really had. He had a stomach

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that was just like calcified by the electricity that ran

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through him.

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Speaker 2: It was a superpower.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So our boy goes into hiding in the wilderness with

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a few of his father's loyal men. Not much is

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known or documented during this time, but much like his ancestor,

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Alexander m six mounts and broke a wild, untamed stallion

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during this time, almost killing him in the process, and

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that becomes his horse for a good bit. Becomes a

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pretty good horse rider.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so he's a rodeo star.

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Speaker 2: After the heat cooled down around one sixteen BC, mithird

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eighty and his men returned to claim what was rightfully his.

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He took his throne, imprisoned his mom and brother, who

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both lived happily ever after life. And by that I

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mean they got thrown into a cell and died in

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that cell, in that cell together with it the same cell. Hmmm, No,

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they died separately.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I would have liked to. I think I think

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he I mean, that's actually honestly, like not very cruel

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for the time, it seems like he went easy on him.

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All things considered, They.

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Speaker 2: Don't really tell us how they died, that just that

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they did die, okay in the jail cell.

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Speaker 1: Didn't really write it down, no, so it could have been.

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Speaker 2: He didn't write down a lot of stuff, even though

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he wrote several books he was an author, but anything important,

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it's not for other people.

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Speaker 1: I mean, he could have written it down if you

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just haven't found.

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Speaker 2: It, that's true. He then took his sixteen year old

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sister as his first wife to ensure the air to

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have pure blood.

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Speaker 1: Hell yeah, pimp, p imp.

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Speaker 2: He was only like eighteen or nineteen, so he's pretty.

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Speaker 1: Young at the time.

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Speaker 2: Not a big deal.

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Speaker 1: Also, well, I'm more just like, hell yeah, your sister

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and your sister.

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Speaker 2: Get that pure air.

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Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 2: The poison his mother used didn't kill him, but it

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left a last in effect where he was paranoid and

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spazed out over meeting his demise that very way. So

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he obsessed over toxicology.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that makes sense. Like if you just

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got poisoned to eight times by the woman who you

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trust most in the world, person you trust most in

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the world, maybe, yeah, I would be paranoid too. I'm

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not gonna hold that against him.

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Speaker 2: Does Freud have something for when your mother wants to

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kill you?

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Speaker 1: Ummmmm no, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: Now. He supposedly developed an alixir using over fifty ingredients

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that was a cure all for all known toxins called mithrodate.

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Speaker 1: Oh all right.

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Speaker 2: He would ingest this daily and tested out by ingesting

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arsenics and venoms, and by all accounts, became totally immune

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to all poisonous substances.

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Speaker 1: So he was afraid of getting poisons, so he kept

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poisoning himself.

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Speaker 2: Because he thought he found the elixir and I guess

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he did.

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Speaker 1: I guess he did. Or it's like a princess bride

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situation and he, just like you said, kind of built

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up an immunity too arsenic. Yeah, that definitely won't make

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you insane.

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Speaker 2: Unfortunately, the knowledge of what exactly was in the formula

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died with him because he never wrote down the recipe.

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Speaker 1: Hmmm, seems useful.

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Speaker 2: Many believe though, the main ingredient was the blood of

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ponic ducks who would feast on poisonous substances like hemlock. Okay,

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so they had the poison in their bloods.

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Speaker 1: Already, or they could anybody they had the poisons, antibodies,

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had anybodies that could fight the poisonings. A lot of

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dead ducks in there, just killing ducks left and right,

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which feels like it wouldn't be I don't know, maybe

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the easiest pre gun, but I don't know, Like they're

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in the water like a turtle.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, probably easier, but yeah, they're it's easy pickings for

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the most part. He was pretty power hungry from the

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jump and kind of thought his father was just another

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dude who lacked ambition.

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Speaker 1: So he thought his dad was just sitting there not

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doing enough. Yeah, we need to take this compretty global dad.

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It's like it's on a running a tire shop. Just

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not like you don't fucking understand. He's just he's just

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a good, honest businessman's coke head son.

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Speaker 2: Right, but you know how he's kind of Vince McMahon.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: So at the point when Vince's dad was in charge

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of the organization, it was regional. Yeah, so you like,

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you didn't step on anyone's toes, you didn't enter anyone's territory.

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You just kind of accepted your lot in life and

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you were cool with what you had.

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Speaker 1: This was your night's little business, and he just.

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Speaker 2: Fucking kicked the door down like events, yeah, and created

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WWF with Pawnus. Now, M six wanted to be the

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dominant force on the Black Sea and overtake all these

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tiny kingdoms and glorified warlords that surrounded him. So he

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wanted to be the big fish in the small ponds.

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Speaker 1: There was a lot of backwater bullshit around there, especially

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if you went up through what would be I don't know,

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modern day Georgia or something like that, things start to

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get pretty there's like Armenians and whatever other bullshit.

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Speaker 2: Now, opportunity came knocking when the peninsula came under threat

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by the Scythians. Okay, were they in your game?

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Speaker 1: Yes, they were less annoying, but.

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Speaker 2: They seemed very annoying.

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Speaker 1: They weren't super annoying in the game. I mean, they're annoying,

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but it's like, I don't know, the Paonnus always pissed

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me off.

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Speaker 2: Pawnus were like proper people, though the Scythians were a

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little bit more barbaric.

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Speaker 1: Yes, they were barbarians for sure.

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Speaker 2: The surrounding kings were willing to give up independence and

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power for the protection of m six and the Pontas

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armies led by his number one general Diaphantis. Now Diaphantus

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takes his armies to Crimea. Crimea has always been an issue.

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Speaker 1: Crimea has been fought over. It's not as bad as Israel, Palestine, whatever,

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but it's bad, always fought over, fucking always die.

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Speaker 2: Fantas takes the army to Crimea to take on the Scythians.

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But you know, you might as well grab some land

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on the way and subjugated Colchis or what is modern

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day Georgia. And then the Bospering kingdom also bent the knee.

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All right, These smaller kingdoms realize they didn't have the

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resources or men to battle the barbarians and would rather

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squad up.

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Speaker 1: Like, who do you want to be ruled by the Scythians?

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Speaker 2: Or you're the fucking do you want to be ruled

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by a civilized power?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: Exactly as soon as Diaphantus and the Ponic forces reached Crimea,

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they were greeted with the surprise attack by Palacus, the

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king of Scythia, but managed to ultimately crush the opposition

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and claim victory, become the first foreign invader to take

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down these chodes.

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Speaker 1: Seems a lot. I mean, they both have shit units

308
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,279
in Rome Total War, so either one could good win.

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00:15:15,399 --> 00:15:17,759
I guess hard for me to say.

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Speaker 2: It's man, you're you're just gonna really under sell this

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00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,960
guy's kingdom because you hate them in the game.

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Speaker 1: Yes, Oh, upon Us is fucking so annoying in that game.

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Speaker 2: Now that the Scythians were no longer a threat, the

314
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boss Burns wanted independence and na Throku killing their king

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who bent the knee not really taking kindly to them

316
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taking back their word. Dia Fanis goes in and squashes

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that revolt really quick.

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Speaker 1: I'm happy for him.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I don't know. I do you have a problem

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00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,279
with Mithridates not leading his own army?

321
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Speaker 1: Ah? No, I think Kings probably did it too much.

322
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I mean you should probably travel with it. Maybe, but

323
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maybe he's got, you know, shit to do at home.

324
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:06,600
I think you know how much how many plays do

325
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,639
you want your head coach calling?

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Speaker 2: Well, as a man who just had his head coach

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00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:14,519
give up play calling and then leave the school to

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go play call for another school, I don't want my

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00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,480
head coach to have anything to do with play calling.

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Speaker 1: Right right? You want your head coach administrating.

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Speaker 2: So you want CEO.

332
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:26,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, you want a CEO head coach, so let you know, yeah,

333
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,360
let somebody else call the place.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, especially if you know he's a better general. Yeah,

335
00:16:32,799 --> 00:16:33,360
don't get in the.

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Speaker 1: Way, don't. I mean, that was one thing that I

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00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:47,559
want to say. Typically FDR and Truman and certainly George HW. Bush,

338
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,519
we're all good about in the in their wars as

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they more or less let their generals do the work,

340
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,480
like they weren't poking in there or whatever. Lincoln, on

341
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the other hand, he let Grant. He sat back and

342
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let Rant and Sherman do their thing. But earlier on

343
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:08,039
he like had to intervene because his generals weren't doing enough,

344
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and he had to be like, fucking attack, fucking attack,

345
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And McClellan was like, I need twenty thousand more man.

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He's like, I've given you one hundred and forty thousand men.

347
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You outnumber the rebels by a lot. Just fucking attack.

348
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And then Mead was like the same thing. Beats the

349
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rebels at Gettysburg. And Lincoln's like, why didn't you follow them?

350
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Follow them?

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Speaker 2: Uh?

352
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,079
Speaker 1: But yeah, a good leader, let's his pros do the thing.

353
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You know what, I mean a good coach. Let's his coaches,

354
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:40,200
let's his subordinate coaches. Fucking coach.

355
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Speaker 2: Most of the Black Sea coastline was now under the

356
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Pawnus Kingdom. But that was just the start for M six,

357
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,200
who could speak the languages of all twenty two nations

358
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he now governed. Good lord, how how just a little

359
00:17:56,799 --> 00:17:57,480
book where.

360
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Speaker 1: It's just like the difference where all these languages, like

361
00:18:00,519 --> 00:18:02,720
the difference between like Portuguese and Spanish.

362
00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:05,119
Speaker 2: Basically probably Yeah, it was just like just a little

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regional dialect.

364
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Speaker 1: Right.

365
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Speaker 2: He had several wives, mistresses, and two dozen legitimate and

366
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:17,519
bastard children. Oh yeah, mithter Dates was big time chariot racer.

367
00:18:18,039 --> 00:18:21,799
Oh of course, wrote several scientific and historical books. Well,

368
00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:24,039
he wrote books and was a bit of an art snob.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I'm into that.

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00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's a cultured man.

371
00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:30,680
Speaker 1: Bringing art to upon us, trying to make this backwater

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little kingdom.

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Speaker 2: It wasn't backwater. It's backwater. They're Greek, yeah, but they're

374
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,200
like an Iranian outer Greek.

375
00:18:39,759 --> 00:18:42,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, Alabama's America. It ain't the same as New York.

376
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Speaker 2: He's Greek and Persian. Those are like two of the

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00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,359
most cultured.

378
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:51,240
Speaker 1: Sweet I'm just saying America. Greece is one big you know,

379
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,200
the Greek culture. Yeah, there's different, there's it encompasses a lot,

380
00:18:55,240 --> 00:19:00,559
but there's different types, different you know, levels of class whatever. Say,

381
00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:03,400
way in the United States, right, Like we're all in America.

382
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:08,160
But there's a fucking difference between eating at a restaurant

383
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:15,559
in Chicago or San Francisco and Mobile or fucking Jackson.

384
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,920
Speaker 2: Right, he would be more in the Chicago. Yes he's

385
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,640
not in New York, he's not La, but he could be Chicago.

386
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,880
Speaker 1: You're he's maybe Saint Louis.

387
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,799
Speaker 2: Dude, you're just a big time hater because you hated

388
00:19:29,799 --> 00:19:31,039
these people, and maybe Tulsa.

389
00:19:31,079 --> 00:19:33,039
Speaker 1: This is like eat of the nicest restaurant in Tulsa.

390
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,119
It's Pontus.

391
00:19:34,759 --> 00:19:39,039
Speaker 2: Give it at least Oklahoma City, God damn man, Bricktown.

392
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,880
You ever been to Okay?

393
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,279
Speaker 1: See? Yeah, uh yeah sort of.

394
00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:48,200
Speaker 2: Now there's really only one other power in the region

395
00:19:48,279 --> 00:19:51,240
of Asia Minor at this point Bethenia.

396
00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:53,519
Speaker 1: I don't know one.

397
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,359
Speaker 2: M six didn't see a reason to beef with them

398
00:19:57,799 --> 00:20:00,559
and decided to make a war pack to invade the

399
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:06,920
land between them Paphlagonia and split it between the two kingdoms.

400
00:20:06,599 --> 00:20:09,279
Speaker 1: Oh so like uh Germany and the Soviets with Poland,

401
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,000
like Hitler and Stalin being like, hey good, hey Bud,

402
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,480
hey bud.

403
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,519
Speaker 2: We'll split up Poland to land it between us. What

404
00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:18,599
if we just take it. Let's do it. You go

405
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,920
from your we go from our side. We meet in

406
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,319
the middle.

407
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,119
Speaker 1: Who do they think they are having a country?

408
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:28,000
Speaker 2: They do this easily, and it finally attracts the attention.

409
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:31,519
Speaker 1: Of Daddy Rome. Rome.

410
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:35,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, Rome believed Asia Minor was under their umb of

411
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,319
influence and a regional power stack in land, power and resources.

412
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:45,559
Speaker 1: It's bad for business, ye call, anyone start to feel themselves.

413
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,359
Speaker 2: You gotta kind of squash that immediately. But Rome was

414
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,759
busy fucking around in Africa and didn't have the bandwidth

415
00:20:53,839 --> 00:20:57,960
to do anything but give Mithridates a stern talking.

416
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,839
Speaker 1: To, which is stupid, by the way, because there's way

417
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,759
more money in Asia Minor. And that's true in the

418
00:21:03,759 --> 00:21:05,559
game Rome Total War, but it's also just true in

419
00:21:05,759 --> 00:21:11,720
real life. The East was Rome's moneymaker. Asia Minor, Syria, Palestine, Egypt,

420
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:16,880
for sure, all those places that shit was printing money.

421
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:22,119
North Africa like Carthage is worth a fair amount, but

422
00:21:22,279 --> 00:21:24,279
like the rest of it, like the rest of North Africa,

423
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,119
kind of whatever.

424
00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:30,599
Speaker 2: Mithridates then falls out of favor with the king of Bithynia,

425
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:37,559
Nicomedes Normides Nicomedes over control of Cappadocia.

426
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:42,160
Speaker 1: Boy, just a lot out of places. I don't remember

427
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,759
the second after you say them.

428
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,720
Speaker 2: It's a land Mithridatees' sister was now in charge of

429
00:21:48,319 --> 00:21:53,599
when her husband got assassinated, probably by her brother's orders.

430
00:21:55,079 --> 00:21:59,839
So she sides with Nicomedes and agrees to Marian. Okay,

431
00:22:00,759 --> 00:22:06,480
so she has she's technically in charge of Cappadocia or Cappadocia, sure, Cappadocia.

432
00:22:06,599 --> 00:22:08,200
Speaker 1: This fucking city, cap town.

433
00:22:08,839 --> 00:22:11,160
Speaker 2: It's just a it's a piece of land, city, city.

434
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,960
Speaker 1: Whatever, cap country.

435
00:22:13,319 --> 00:22:16,799
Speaker 2: But it's it's very important to this story because they

436
00:22:16,839 --> 00:22:19,799
just keep kind of beefing over the same piece of land.

437
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,240
Speaker 1: Oh okay, So it's like it's like an alsace Lorraine,

438
00:22:22,279 --> 00:22:25,480
like fucking everyone's just no, it's mine, No, it's fucking mine.

439
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,759
Speaker 2: Ponic forces go in and break that ship up and

440
00:22:28,799 --> 00:22:34,599
they drive both his sister and nico Medes back to Pithynia.

441
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:39,319
Mithridates installs his brother in law's assassin Gordys as regent.

442
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,799
So the guy that killed his brother in law, that's

443
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,599
assassinated him, it's now in charge of that area. It

444
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,079
was really to stick it to his sister.

445
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, just be like, fuck you bitch.

446
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:54,200
Speaker 2: And then he then installed his bastard son to eventually

447
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:59,799
take the throne. Her son, though still a child, not

448
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,359
wanted to be ruled by his father's assassin, started to

449
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:05,400
get the wheels in motion for his own rebellion. How

450
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,440
old he was in his teens?

451
00:23:07,559 --> 00:23:10,680
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, that's okay, not like an eight year old, no,

452
00:23:10,799 --> 00:23:14,039
like what fuckuld goal thirteen or fourteen, you know how?

453
00:23:14,319 --> 00:23:17,240
Speaker 2: But Mithridates quickly squashes that and assassinates his nephew.

454
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 1: The kid. Yeah, so he was probably old enough at

455
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,960
that point to be like killed killed. But it was like, uh,

456
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,839
I guess at least for the Romans, but I think

457
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,880
it was like a thing just in general at the

458
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:36,359
time in that area. The proper way to murder children,

459
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:41,599
like if you're killing like Cleopatra's kids or or how

460
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,640
Cleopatra's brother younger brother was killed or whatever, you strangle them.

461
00:23:46,079 --> 00:23:48,119
You have to strangle them. That's the nice way to

462
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,799
do it. That's the humane way to kill a child

463
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,279
to strangle them.

464
00:23:52,759 --> 00:23:56,680
Speaker 2: Or if you want to have an assisted suicide in

465
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,079
the machine breaks, you have to strangle them.

466
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, if they're out and they're starting to wake up,

467
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,200
just finish the job.

468
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,480
Speaker 2: All the madness in Cappadocia was the final straw for

469
00:24:07,559 --> 00:24:08,400
Roum to interfere.

470
00:24:09,559 --> 00:24:12,720
Speaker 1: Hey, look, they never needed a reason, like a real reason.

471
00:24:12,799 --> 00:24:15,240
They always needed a reason. They were very good about

472
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,359
finding like whatever little reason they they but it was

473
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,759
never a real not never, but it was often like

474
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,839
not a real reason, you know what I mean. They

475
00:24:22,839 --> 00:24:26,960
were just like gathering their resources and then like somebody

476
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,440
sneezes and like all right, that's it. The Acadameter tests.

477
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,319
Speaker 2: Both pon Us and Bethynia representatives were forced to be

478
00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:38,160
sent to the Roman Senate to make a claim for

479
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:44,359
the now available Cappadocia crown, and ultimately the Roman Senate

480
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,400
was like, neither of you should have power.

481
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, we think just gonna sound crazy, but I think

482
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:52,799
we're gonna do it.

483
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,599
Speaker 2: No, they said it's gonna be an independent nation. Oh really, Yeah,

484
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:58,720
I don't think they wanted to put their own resources

485
00:24:58,759 --> 00:25:01,240
into it. And they're like, you need of you get this, Yeah,

486
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,160
mithir Day's, knowing he was severely outgunned by Daddy, pretended

487
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,279
to play nice and installed a puppet king for the

488
00:25:08,319 --> 00:25:12,359
Cappadocia crown who was still loyal to him on low. Okay,

489
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,799
so he's still playing a little chess in the background.

490
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,839
He then devised the plan to build up his alliances

491
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,240
and forces, knowing the ultimate endgame was war with Rome.

492
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:24,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're coming, They're coming. They already have a foothold

493
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:28,119
in Asia Minor, like they're they're they have They've taken

494
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,960
care of Greece at this point, so they have like

495
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,480
they have the Aegean, they have the A, G, and C,

496
00:25:33,799 --> 00:25:36,759
both sides of it, which is just a money maker

497
00:25:36,759 --> 00:25:39,720
in Rome Total War. But uh yeah, once you so,

498
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,680
they're they're coming. They're coming for the rest of Asion Minor.

499
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,920
Speaker 2: First up, he makes nice with Armenia and locks down

500
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:51,359
a marriage packed with uh tiger Anus the second.

501
00:25:51,079 --> 00:25:56,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, tiger Anus is how I would say it, tiger

502
00:25:56,759 --> 00:25:58,079
I'm going tiger Anus.

503
00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,240
Speaker 2: Is fineig is funny.

504
00:25:59,319 --> 00:26:02,839
Speaker 1: Yeah. The Armenians also a very annoying faction in Rome

505
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,480
Total War. A lot of horse archers. You really like

506
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,119
your infantry just gets butt. Fuck you gotta get calve

507
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,880
in there, and even the calves not fast enough yet

508
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:14,720
it's so annoying. Fucking ain't fighting the Armenians, damn it.

509
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:19,359
Speaker 2: Tiger Reine's the second and his daughter Cleopatra U M

510
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,279
six's daughter Cleopatra. They get married. He has a nice

511
00:26:23,319 --> 00:26:29,440
little kind of alliance with Armenia. They then again reinstall

512
00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:33,720
Mythy's bastard on the throne of Cappadocia, and it would

513
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:37,279
be a game of musical chair giving up and retaking

514
00:26:37,319 --> 00:26:39,960
the seat whenever Rome would come down to yell at them, okay,

515
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,119
so he would always back down, though he would always

516
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,440
just beIN oh my my bad, by bad, I thought.

517
00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:46,839
Speaker 1: I do this. Yeah, oh I didn't. I didn't know.

518
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,720
I couldn't do that. Uh shit, okay, yeah, totally free

519
00:26:50,799 --> 00:26:53,000
independent country, my bad room. And then they leave in

520
00:26:53,079 --> 00:26:56,279
these but he's like now.

521
00:26:56,319 --> 00:26:59,720
Speaker 2: In ninety b C Rome had enough and a force

522
00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:04,799
left by Manius Achilius was sent down to provoke M

523
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,359
six into doing something stupid, as they needed a justification

524
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:12,000
for all out war, right, so they sent down a

525
00:27:12,079 --> 00:27:13,759
general just to be like, hey poke the.

526
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,920
Speaker 1: Bear, Yeah, hey hey, buddy, just rat walks right after

527
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:22,680
the border, like, hey, fuck you what not then fuck you?

528
00:27:23,759 --> 00:27:29,279
Speaker 2: Achilius convinced the new king, Nico Medes the fourth of Beathenia,

529
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:33,000
to invade and capture land belonging to pon Us as

530
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,759
he was in great debt to Rome and they believed

531
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:39,559
it would get Mithridates to finally respond violently.

532
00:27:40,519 --> 00:27:43,720
Speaker 1: So, oh, man, let's the Italians have just always been

533
00:27:43,759 --> 00:27:49,680
a mafia, Like, hey, you owe us money cashing it in,

534
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:54,680
you go and fuck them up now.

535
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:59,200
Speaker 2: Matthew six did no such thing. Instead, he let them

536
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:03,119
burn parts of his kingdom down and launched official complaints

537
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,759
to the Roman Senate, saying that Bithynia was the aggressor.

538
00:28:07,039 --> 00:28:08,440
Speaker 1: Oh I did it by the books.

539
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 2: Because I mean this guy was kind of going rogue.

540
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:12,480
He's like, hey, poke the bear.

541
00:28:12,599 --> 00:28:13,039
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.

542
00:28:13,319 --> 00:28:16,319
Speaker 2: The Senate wasn't necessarily approven everything he did, so he

543
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,759
made complaints to the Senate. And meanwhile, he now had

544
00:28:20,759 --> 00:28:23,960
a nice little victim card to play with other empires

545
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:28,519
like Greece. Okay, now, as protector of Greek cities on

546
00:28:28,559 --> 00:28:33,039
the Black Sea and in Asia against barbarianism, Mithradates the

547
00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:37,240
six logically became protector of Greece and Greek culture, and

548
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:42,079
used his stance to gain allies against Rome. Along with Armenia,

549
00:28:42,079 --> 00:28:48,200
he was able to gain the trust and support of Egypt, Parthia,

550
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:49,839
and Greece.

551
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 1: Well, the Greeks are already under Roman rule.

552
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, well he's telling them to like rise up, dog.

553
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean remember who you are?

554
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,200
Oh my god, not the Greek penicsl was gonna piss

555
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:01,480
me off.

556
00:29:01,559 --> 00:29:05,519
Speaker 2: Oh it's fine. Total war with Rome began in eighty

557
00:29:05,599 --> 00:29:11,240
nine BC with what else, the invasion of Cappadocia. Okay,

558
00:29:12,559 --> 00:29:15,200
they then went and took down Bithynia and the rest

559
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:19,799
of Asia. Minor, Rome, at conflict with local Italian tribes,

560
00:29:20,359 --> 00:29:22,440
could not send down assistance immediately.

561
00:29:23,119 --> 00:29:25,759
Speaker 1: Can you imagine, like we couldn't fully fight the Mexican

562
00:29:25,799 --> 00:29:28,599
American War because Hill people in West Virginia were like

563
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:32,240
fucking around too much. We're like, god, damn it, Western

564
00:29:32,279 --> 00:29:34,440
doesn't even exist, by the way, Western Virginia.

565
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,480
Speaker 2: A lot of this too goes down around the same

566
00:29:36,559 --> 00:29:42,359
time as the Gladiator slave Rebellion. Oh is Spartacus Spartacus?

567
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,160
Yeah hell yeah, yes. I don't know if it's like

568
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:47,079
the first or second one of these. So actually I

569
00:29:47,079 --> 00:29:49,559
believe around that time, Julius Scars.

570
00:29:49,359 --> 00:29:53,119
Speaker 1: Served in the army that fought Spartacus. Yeah, if I'm

571
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,240
not mistaken, but I might be, but I'm pretty sure

572
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:56,480
I'm not.

573
00:29:57,319 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 2: This was peak power pawn Us control on almost all

574
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,920
of Antolia, and they kept stacking resources and men for

575
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,640
the next few years, getting them ready for Rome when

576
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:11,720
they would fully turn their attention onto them. Mithridates in

577
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:16,359
eighty eight BC also had himself a fun little genocide

578
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,960
in Asia Minor, killing over one hundred and fifty thousand

579
00:30:20,079 --> 00:30:26,359
Roman in Latin speaking citizens known as the Asiatic Vespers.

580
00:30:27,519 --> 00:30:30,000
So I had a genocide, just killed one hundred fifty

581
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,799
thousand people. That's like a high end estimate.

582
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 1: Well, it happened in Turkey. You don't have to talk about.

583
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,720
Speaker 2: It, that's true. Well, only you don't have to talk

584
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:39,480
about it if it's in Armenia.

585
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,599
Speaker 1: Right right, right, right, Yeah, if a Turk is in

586
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:44,759
any way involved or someone from Asia Minor, and fine

587
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:49,039
didn't even.

588
00:30:48,519 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 2: First Roman response was done by, of course, Manius Achillius,

589
00:30:52,279 --> 00:30:55,640
who was still in the area. The Romans, severely outnumbered,

590
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:59,319
get their shit pushed in and Achilleus is forced to

591
00:30:59,319 --> 00:31:02,279
flee to what he believed was the safety of the

592
00:31:02,319 --> 00:31:07,640
Greek islands. But our boy M six already made a

593
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,920
deal with the Greeks, and uh, they immediately capture him

594
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,559
and turn him back into Mithridates.

595
00:31:13,799 --> 00:31:16,759
Speaker 1: Oh look at see. I told you Pontus was annoying

596
00:31:16,759 --> 00:31:19,839
as fuck. Man. These guys just get your fucking goat.

597
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,200
Speaker 2: So he's captured, and what does he do to this

598
00:31:23,279 --> 00:31:26,200
Roman general that started up stirring the spot?

599
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,519
Speaker 1: Does he send him back and is like, oh, it's okay.

600
00:31:30,599 --> 00:31:35,039
Speaker 2: Now he executes him with a pretty fun method. He

601
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,359
pours molten gold down his throat.

602
00:31:37,759 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 1: Oh they like to do that at that time. They

603
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,519
did that to another dude later. That's actually one of

604
00:31:43,519 --> 00:31:48,400
my main complaints about what do you call it? Game

605
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,799
of Thrones is how they just poured the gold on

606
00:31:50,799 --> 00:31:53,400
that guy's head in season one. Should beat right down

607
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,480
the fucking pipe. Dude.

608
00:31:54,559 --> 00:31:55,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he gave him his crown.

609
00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,799
Speaker 1: No, I know, but I still just wanted him to

610
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,599
drink molten gold.

611
00:32:04,559 --> 00:32:08,880
Speaker 2: Now Rome responds with forces led by General Sula, who

612
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:14,519
himself just to Fowler sol Sola Sola. I mean, that's

613
00:32:14,559 --> 00:32:16,279
if there's one thing you don't have to correct me

614
00:32:16,319 --> 00:32:20,000
on in this it's like Solo or Solo, Like there's

615
00:32:20,039 --> 00:32:21,400
twelve other things that got wrong.

616
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Now.

617
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:29,000
Speaker 2: Soula's warpath through Greece was clinical, even taking Athens down,

618
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:34,200
He along with his fellow room in General Fimbria, push

619
00:32:34,599 --> 00:32:39,359
Mithridates shit in getting incredibly close to ending the Panic

620
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,759
Empire right then and there, so like they probably could

621
00:32:42,759 --> 00:32:46,880
have executed it in then fuck they squashes really quick,

622
00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:50,880
but more trouble bruis in Rome, and Sola has to

623
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:54,559
go back and do some housekeeping so he doesn't get

624
00:32:54,559 --> 00:32:58,200
to finish the job. More shit back home, sad.

625
00:32:58,319 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 1: Solo was one of like I feel like Solo was

626
00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:04,039
like a big deal in Caesar's life. He was like

627
00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:05,200
a precursor to Caesar.

628
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 2: Seems like a okay guy. Yeah, and by that I

629
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:12,519
mean he just seems like a good general.

630
00:33:12,599 --> 00:33:14,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's just annomal, you know, just a Roman dude,

631
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,559
just a he's a Roman hero basically, you know what

632
00:33:16,599 --> 00:33:22,240
I mean. Like he's like if I don't even know,

633
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:27,880
he's like someone like if Caesar is patent, then he's

634
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:33,720
like Grant or General Pershing. Sure. Yeah.

635
00:33:33,839 --> 00:33:37,759
Speaker 2: He then offers Mithridates terms to surrender, giving up most

636
00:33:37,759 --> 00:33:42,400
of his conquested land pan Rome a relatively reasonable tax,

637
00:33:43,039 --> 00:33:46,279
and knowing he was close to being totally slaughtered, he

638
00:33:46,359 --> 00:33:48,920
agreed and then the war ended in eighty five BC.

639
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:53,960
Okay Sola placed a man by the name of Marina

640
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,759
in charge of Asia Minor to keep tabs on the

641
00:33:56,839 --> 00:34:02,960
pesky Ponics have to Marina was still hungry for action,

642
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,839
so he started just raids, just raided into the Pawnas region.

643
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:10,639
Speaker 1: They're all hungry for action. Like, you can't just sit

644
00:34:10,679 --> 00:34:13,760
there and do a good job watching the wall, you

645
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,000
know what I mean, Like you don't get any headlines

646
00:34:16,039 --> 00:34:20,679
for that. All of these dudes, everyone's chasing headlines. Everyone's

647
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:24,639
gotta make a name for themselves. Like there's no one

648
00:34:24,679 --> 00:34:27,960
that's just going so like really and honestly, somebody who

649
00:34:28,039 --> 00:34:30,719
sent him there probably do that, right, because you know

650
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:32,840
the guy that is just gonna watch the wall, right,

651
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,519
Like you know the guy who's going to be a

652
00:34:35,559 --> 00:34:39,280
game manager, the guy who's gonna quietly do his job,

653
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,599
versus the guy the ambitious asshole who's gonna make trouble.

654
00:34:44,079 --> 00:34:46,079
Speaker 2: And Marina was the ambitious ass Yeah.

655
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:49,840
Speaker 1: Like you make those assignments understanding the personality of the

656
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:50,960
person you're sending there.

657
00:34:52,159 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 2: Mithradad's now had reason to fight back. He responds with

658
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:59,280
his own forces, and we had a smaller second war.

659
00:35:00,119 --> 00:35:02,360
Rome's not fully invested. It's just kind of this dude

660
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:08,119
in his unit. Yeah, Mithriditis wins and Marina was then

661
00:35:08,199 --> 00:35:13,159
summoned back to the Senate to face charges of going rogue. Now,

662
00:35:13,199 --> 00:35:18,079
the third and final Mithridatic War was the Big Boy,

663
00:35:18,519 --> 00:35:23,000
and that began in seventy three BC. Mithruddies signed with

664
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:30,519
resided with public Roman enemy number one notorious after Rome

665
00:35:30,559 --> 00:35:36,159
planned to annex Pithynia again. Mithridadis was getting some early dubs,

666
00:35:36,519 --> 00:35:40,519
most notably at the Battle of Chalcedon, where he basically

667
00:35:40,559 --> 00:35:46,719
wiped out the entire Roman fleet in the Asia Minor region. Unfortunately,

668
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:51,840
reinforcements were sent and Rome was now ruled by Solo's

669
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:56,880
proteges Luculus and Pompey.

670
00:35:57,599 --> 00:35:58,119
Speaker 1: Pompei.

671
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:03,159
Speaker 3: It's not Pompey, Pumpey, it's p What is it. It's Pompey,

672
00:36:03,559 --> 00:36:07,039
Pompey whatever. That's Caesar's I thought it was Pompey, but

673
00:36:07,079 --> 00:36:10,079
it's it's p That's Caesar's main enemy.

674
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:15,760
Speaker 2: Now, the Todds turn and Mithridates is forced to retreat

675
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:20,320
to Armenia. Rome then invades Armenia and sixty nine BC

676
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:26,679
mithrid Dedes punches back, launches some surprise attacks, and regains Pontus.

677
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:32,800
In sixty seven BC, luc Ulys's failures leads to Pompey

678
00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:37,920
taking full control of the Roman forces. Pompey just res

679
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,079
m six to the point that his son in law

680
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,960
now no longer allows him back in Armenia. Dude, he's like,

681
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,239
where's tapping out Pompey?

682
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:49,519
Speaker 1: Fucking the guy. So Caesar, when Caesar took power as

683
00:36:49,559 --> 00:36:51,719
dictator or whatever it was, really it was him, and

684
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:55,719
they were part of the same triumvirate, Pompey and Caesar

685
00:36:56,199 --> 00:36:58,360
or something like that. Anyway, they were the main rivals.

686
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:01,039
And Pompey's older than Caesar, and but Pompey was like

687
00:37:01,039 --> 00:37:05,760
a heroic fucking general had done like a ton of

688
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:09,039
rad shit, and I think he was. You said he

689
00:37:09,119 --> 00:37:11,719
was Solo, his protege, right, mm hmm, yeah, so that, yeah,

690
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,960
that's how it. Solo is like Caesar's protegeic grandfather. I guess,

691
00:37:16,159 --> 00:37:20,199
uh uh, but yeah, yeah, Poppy is like a fucking

692
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:22,800
g dude like he and I think he's like kind

693
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:26,079
of low born too, which the so his victories are

694
00:37:26,079 --> 00:37:31,719
like especially important. He's not an aristocrat necessarily. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

695
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,360
so he's he's just picking him up, picking himself up

696
00:37:35,599 --> 00:37:37,719
by his fucking bootstrap. This is where he's making his name,

697
00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:39,440
in the same way Caesar makes his name in Gaul.

698
00:37:39,599 --> 00:37:42,519
Kind of yeah, this is where's where fucking Pompy's doing it.

699
00:37:43,599 --> 00:37:45,760
Speaker 2: Now, his son in lawsuits for peace and becomes a

700
00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:51,199
client of Rome. Armenia is now a Roman state. Mithradates's son,

701
00:37:52,599 --> 00:37:56,199
who rules over Bosphorus, also refuses to help out his

702
00:37:56,199 --> 00:37:59,239
old man, knowing he was losing battle at this point. Yeah.

703
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:03,760
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes you got your own family, your own kids,

704
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:07,000
you really can't just like Grandpa comes around asking for

705
00:38:07,079 --> 00:38:09,639
weird shit and you're like, I, you know, I got

706
00:38:09,639 --> 00:38:11,639
a fucking wife and kids like I can't.

707
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:16,880
Speaker 2: Also, when you have like twenty brothers and sisters here,

708
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,159
you don't really know who your dad is.

709
00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:21,360
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, son is a father is a strong word there,

710
00:38:21,679 --> 00:38:22,280
I would say.

711
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:26,199
Speaker 2: Now, away from home and surrounded by his enemies, with

712
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:29,800
no allies to speak of, M six attempts to commit

713
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,159
suicide in the winner of sixty six BC.

714
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:34,760
Speaker 1: What do you mean attempts? Oh my god, how'd you fail? Well?

715
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 2: Poetically, he tries to poison himself. Ah, it's not fails.

716
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,840
Speaker 1: It doesn't sound poetic to me, and it sounds fucking stupid.

717
00:38:43,599 --> 00:38:46,639
Speaker 2: As his immunity to all poison actually seem to be real.

718
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,519
He tried like every type of poison. It would not

719
00:38:49,599 --> 00:38:50,000
kill him.

720
00:38:50,039 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 1: He's not immune to a knife. Just fucking do it

721
00:38:54,079 --> 00:38:54,840
with the knife.

722
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:58,719
Speaker 2: Yes, So, after the poison did nothing, he got his

723
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:02,239
bodyguard in close friend to strike him down with the sword. Okay, great,

724
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,320
there you go. So he committed suicide via murdered friend.

725
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:10,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's like, yeah, the bro side, he's like, hey, man,

726
00:39:10,599 --> 00:39:12,280
I need you to just fucking stab me in the

727
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,599
neck real quick now.

728
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 2: Pompey, ever, the Honorable Man, gave this leader a proper

729
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:25,400
funeral and burial with his ancestors and his remaining children

730
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:27,360
and wives who were meant to join him in the

731
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:32,159
after life. So he killed all of his wives and kids.

732
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:35,599
Speaker 1: Yeah. Perfect. It's like, hey, guys, it's fine, We're gonna

733
00:39:35,599 --> 00:39:39,519
be in heaven. See you have see in Greek heaven whatever?

734
00:39:39,559 --> 00:39:40,039
That cool?

735
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Pompy is just like, no, we're not gonna

736
00:39:43,119 --> 00:39:44,559
have any revenge tale here.

737
00:39:44,639 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're all gone, Yeah, you're all dead,

738
00:39:48,079 --> 00:39:53,480
fucking I mean, I told you the kids kids probably strangled.

739
00:39:54,559 --> 00:40:00,199
Speaker 2: Possibly, And that is the story of the poison King Mid.

740
00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:05,320
Speaker 1: The man who was immune to poison, knew he was

741
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:08,039
immune to poison, and then tried to kill himself with

742
00:40:08,199 --> 00:40:12,400
fucking poison. It's really just funny to me, though.

743
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,840
Speaker 2: You got a heat check at the end. Yeah, right,

744
00:40:15,159 --> 00:40:16,280
He's like, I gotta know he had something.

745
00:40:16,679 --> 00:40:18,320
Speaker 1: It had to have been a while since he tried,

746
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,320
since he had drank some arsenake. It's like, I wonder

747
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:24,280
if I still got it, and he God damn it,

748
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:25,159
did he still have it.

749
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:29,599
Speaker 2: If there's ever a time to see if you're immune

750
00:40:29,639 --> 00:40:31,800
to poison, it's probably when you wanted to kill yourself.

751
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:33,320
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I mean, what do you have to lose?

752
00:40:34,119 --> 00:40:37,360
Speaker 2: Right, It's like, oh, worst case, yeah, I do what

753
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,239
I want to die.

754
00:40:38,199 --> 00:40:40,280
Speaker 1: And it's and it's yeah, I do, what happens, I

755
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:44,599
fucking die. It is funny to me, just like I mean,

756
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,960
there was no one like it's such a ticking fucking

757
00:40:49,039 --> 00:40:52,239
clock with with like the Romans, where it's like, no,

758
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:56,239
it's cool. I think they're done. They're not. They're literally

759
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:57,159
never done.

760
00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,119
Speaker 2: They're putting you on the back burner. But they will

761
00:40:59,199 --> 00:40:59,639
come for you.

762
00:40:59,679 --> 00:41:02,519
Speaker 1: They they're going to come. It's kind of funny, like

763
00:41:02,559 --> 00:41:08,400
it's like my favorite version of that is actually with Syria, Palestine, Israel,

764
00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:10,440
Old Judah, whatever you want to call it, with like

765
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:13,480
when Jesus was born, you know, like the villain in

766
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:17,480
the Gospels is King Herod and he's king, right, but

767
00:41:17,559 --> 00:41:22,480
he's like a client state, right, He's he's he's part

768
00:41:22,519 --> 00:41:26,000
of the Roman Empire, not even the empire yet or

769
00:41:26,079 --> 00:41:27,920
yeah it is, he's part of the Roman Empire without

770
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:29,920
being part of the Roman Empire. Like it's just a

771
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:32,880
client kingdom of the Roman. It's like, uh, I don't

772
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:35,599
even know it's it's it's not quite like Puerto Rico

773
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:37,559
is to the US, Like it's a little looser than

774
00:41:37,559 --> 00:41:40,840
that Guam something like that, but I mean like it is.

775
00:41:41,559 --> 00:41:46,039
But even then, it's just like yeah, like it's the

776
00:41:46,119 --> 00:41:48,960
reason that you're a client kingdom and not completely owned

777
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,519
by them is they don't have time for you yet,

778
00:41:52,599 --> 00:41:56,599
Like they're telling you they could and they will, but

779
00:41:56,679 --> 00:42:01,519
they have to handle something somewhere else, but like they're coming,

780
00:42:02,159 --> 00:42:05,000
Like you can name an air herod, but like it's

781
00:42:05,039 --> 00:42:08,639
not gonna work. It's not gonna work out.

782
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:12,519
Speaker 2: Now, what'd you learn today?

783
00:42:14,119 --> 00:42:16,880
Speaker 1: I learned that I still have no sympathy for Pontus.

784
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,440
They've traumatized me too many times in that game for

785
00:42:20,559 --> 00:42:23,199
me to ever once who feel mad.

786
00:42:23,079 --> 00:42:24,519
Speaker 2: For the Kingdom of Choice?

787
00:42:24,559 --> 00:42:27,639
Speaker 1: I guess in Rome to a War, I actually liked

788
00:42:29,159 --> 00:42:30,639
so the first time you play.

789
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:32,079
Speaker 2: Are Rome in the game or are you somebody else?

790
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: The first time you play, you're one of the three

791
00:42:35,039 --> 00:42:38,239
Roman factions, but then after that you can be whoever

792
00:42:38,239 --> 00:42:41,679
you want. I really liked playing as the Greeks, the

793
00:42:41,679 --> 00:42:46,559
Greek city states, and I had a good campaign as.

794
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:47,280
Speaker 2: You were a Spartan.

795
00:42:48,599 --> 00:42:51,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, well your spartan in Athens, all of them. I

796
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:53,679
did like playing as the Romans. I like playing as

797
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:57,719
the Greeks, and then because hop lights are dope, and

798
00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:01,880
then I did plays the Macedonians as well. Those are

799
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,159
the three that I like the best. I hate a

800
00:43:03,199 --> 00:43:08,599
playing as the Gulls or any Barbarian. There's fucking garbage, Carthaginians, garbage,

801
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:12,920
fucking so he says, we're all right.

802
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,400
Speaker 2: Did you get Hannibal with Carthage.

803
00:43:15,679 --> 00:43:17,360
Speaker 1: No, you don't have like some hero, You're just like

804
00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:19,400
the Carthaginians. This is also post Punic Wars.

805
00:43:19,679 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 2: Okay, so they probably were ass.

806
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, like they haven't been taken down yet, I guess.

807
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:28,360
Speaker 2: But after the Punic Wars, it's like, what's what's left

808
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:29,119
of Carthas right?

809
00:43:29,199 --> 00:43:34,000
Speaker 1: Right, right exactly? But yeah, the Panics are fucking Eastern Eastern.

810
00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:36,760
It's like they just keep coming in a way. Those Asians,

811
00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:41,400
they just don't fucking stop. Uh, this Asiatic they're like

812
00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:47,039
Middle Eastern Greeks. Yeah, but it's Asia's technically no, not it.

813
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,920
It's Turkey is technically Asian. It's Turkey, I know, but

814
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,280
then they're Greek, but it's technically Asia whatever.

815
00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:57,119
Speaker 2: Turkey part of Asia Asia minor it's isn't Turkey part

816
00:43:57,119 --> 00:43:57,920
of NATO?

817
00:43:58,519 --> 00:44:03,000
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, it's technically an Asian country in NATO.

818
00:44:04,039 --> 00:44:06,760
Speaker 2: I thought they're European, but that's like where the line.

819
00:44:06,599 --> 00:44:08,519
Speaker 1: They are in boat there they do exist on both

820
00:44:08,519 --> 00:44:11,719
continents and and their capital is in Europe, but most

821
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:16,320
of the countries in Asia Constantinople, what are they called now? Istanbul? Bullshit?

822
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 2: It's constant and constantinople.

823
00:44:18,639 --> 00:44:22,880
Speaker 1: But uh yeah, yeah, but no, fuck Pontus, Fuck Pontus forever.

824
00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:26,440
His guy's pretty sweet, though. I do like that, like

825
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:28,159
his ambition. I like that.

826
00:44:28,199 --> 00:44:30,639
Speaker 2: Oh daddy did nothing.

827
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 1: I don't. His ambition's trash. His dad knew what he

828
00:44:34,559 --> 00:44:36,639
was doing. He's like, I just got to do my thing,

829
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:39,159
stay quiet, keep my kids.

830
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:41,679
Speaker 2: Alive, rule my tiny kingdom.

831
00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:44,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, we got a nice little thing going here. Don't

832
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:50,519
upset the apple cart, don't don't don't make Rome notice you.

833
00:44:50,519 --> 00:44:55,639
Speaker 2: You're essentially in a mall, kind of like running your

834
00:44:55,639 --> 00:45:00,440
own electronics stand, like maybe you sell iPhone cases. Yeah,

835
00:45:00,519 --> 00:45:03,440
you make a decent living, right, You're you're pestering people

836
00:45:03,719 --> 00:45:08,320
here and there, but it's an honest day's work. And

837
00:45:08,559 --> 00:45:11,000
all of a sudden you're like, you know what I

838
00:45:11,039 --> 00:45:11,800
want the whole mall.

839
00:45:14,519 --> 00:45:15,159
Speaker 1: I need more.

840
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:18,320
Speaker 2: City's going to come down, and someone's coming for you.

841
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:19,280
City's going to come down.

842
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:22,840
Speaker 1: And it is also very just like spoiled son bullshit

843
00:45:23,639 --> 00:45:26,239
to be like you got could I could do so

844
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,519
much better than you, dad. You're growing up like a

845
00:45:28,599 --> 00:45:29,360
really nice thing.

846
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:32,960
Speaker 2: He got poisoned. His dad died. Well, his dad died first,

847
00:45:33,119 --> 00:45:35,960
and then I'm saying no, no, his dad died of poison. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

848
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:39,280
his mom wanted to kill him for some reason because

849
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:41,519
he wasn't as cool as his brother. I think he

850
00:45:41,559 --> 00:45:43,440
had to go out into the wilderness for three years

851
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:46,519
kind to learn the ways in the the art of

852
00:45:46,559 --> 00:45:47,119
a warrior.

853
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 1: Boy. I'll say one thing that I thought early in

854
00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:54,719
the episode, which is loyal struck by light. Loyalty ain't

855
00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:56,440
what it used to be because the first thing I

856
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:57,840
thought when it was like, oh, some of the men

857
00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,519
loyal to his father went and lived with him in

858
00:45:59,559 --> 00:46:01,559
the woods three years. It's like, who's doing that?

859
00:46:02,559 --> 00:46:03,440
Speaker 2: Because godfather?

860
00:46:03,599 --> 00:46:05,840
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Like, you gotta just be out there

861
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:06,119
and being.

862
00:46:06,079 --> 00:46:09,119
Speaker 2: Like what, Also, when's the last time you, like, what's

863
00:46:09,159 --> 00:46:13,760
the payoff for this hung out with your godfather? Your actual.

864
00:46:15,119 --> 00:46:16,760
Speaker 1: Been a minute? Uncle Steve?

865
00:46:17,239 --> 00:46:17,840
Speaker 2: Where you at?

866
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:19,480
Speaker 1: My uncle Bill?

867
00:46:19,519 --> 00:46:22,400
Speaker 2: I don't think I've like, I don't, I don't remember

868
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,719
if he's done anything for me. I certainly don't know

869
00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:25,320
my godmother.

870
00:46:26,119 --> 00:46:28,760
Speaker 1: So my godmother was a friend of my mom's and

871
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:33,440
they fell out fucking in contact with her at all, No, like,

872
00:46:33,559 --> 00:46:36,480
not even close. I don't know the last.

873
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 2: Time so like, what's the most loyal you could be

874
00:46:38,079 --> 00:46:41,119
to somebody at this point?

875
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:45,920
Speaker 1: Right? What even is a godfather in Greek culture pre Christ?

876
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:47,880
Speaker 2: I'm not saying it is the god. I'm saying like

877
00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:50,519
in today's society, if you needed somebody like loyal to

878
00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:54,079
your dad or something, you would think like somebody liked.

879
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:58,119
Speaker 1: Godfather, like you know, a best friend or something like that.

880
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:02,840
I guess, like, I don't imagine not losing touch. I don't.

881
00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:05,119
I don't imagine losing touch with the child I'm the

882
00:47:05,119 --> 00:47:07,840
godfather of who is a friend's son.

883
00:47:08,199 --> 00:47:10,800
Speaker 2: But you will fall out, most likely have a fall.

884
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:13,800
Speaker 1: You out, We'll have a feud, but we'll or we'll

885
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:14,639
bring it back together.

886
00:47:14,719 --> 00:47:17,599
Speaker 2: He'll try to take your crown. He'll probably want that

887
00:47:17,679 --> 00:47:19,480
seat be my co host.

888
00:47:19,559 --> 00:47:20,960
Speaker 1: I can tell you I'm not living in the woods

889
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:21,760
with them.

890
00:47:22,159 --> 00:47:24,440
Speaker 2: No, that sounds like you wouldn't live in the woods

891
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:29,239
with anyone. No, why even if you're on the lamb. Well,

892
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:30,760
if I was on the lamb, I guess I would,

893
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:33,119
but you would you would probably turn yourself in like

894
00:47:33,159 --> 00:47:34,800
it's not worth it. Yeah, be like I just want

895
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:39,039
that your soft hands, hard jail cell bed free button.

896
00:47:39,039 --> 00:47:43,400
I think you would just fucking embrace the barrel of

897
00:47:43,400 --> 00:47:44,519
a gun to your mouth.

898
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:49,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I'm not immune to bullets, so we can see. Yeah, no,

899
00:47:49,639 --> 00:47:52,559
I know, I'm certain of it.

900
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,079
Speaker 2: Do you think there's an a lakes their to bullets?

901
00:47:55,519 --> 00:47:58,119
Speaker 1: Uh? You know what? Probably? How can I? Who am

902
00:47:58,199 --> 00:48:01,519
I to tell science they don't have an answer for something.

903
00:48:02,519 --> 00:48:04,039
Speaker 2: A drinkable bulletproof vest?

904
00:48:04,199 --> 00:48:06,199
Speaker 1: Yeah? Why not?

905
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:08,679
Speaker 2: Yeah? Who's today's hitler?

906
00:48:09,679 --> 00:48:11,519
Speaker 1: Rome? Really? Rome?

907
00:48:11,679 --> 00:48:13,039
Speaker 2: It's always Rome, not even him.

908
00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:15,679
Speaker 1: You think it's just it's just Rome. Dude. They're such

909
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:18,880
They were such dicks, like they not that I can

910
00:48:19,159 --> 00:48:22,639
hate on them for it, but like they really were

911
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:26,440
just like we're coming, We're coming.

912
00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:30,079
Speaker 2: We gotta get our shit together. But yeah, well we'll

913
00:48:30,119 --> 00:48:30,480
take care of this.

914
00:48:30,519 --> 00:48:33,039
Speaker 1: We're coming. And the funniest thing, I don't know if

915
00:48:33,079 --> 00:48:36,440
they had their own manifest destiny and like we should

916
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:39,280
control the entire Mediterranean the same way that you asked.

917
00:48:39,440 --> 00:48:42,920
Speaker 2: It seems like a headache, Like, man, are you kidding me?

918
00:48:43,039 --> 00:48:46,000
Something pops off like halfway around the world, But it's

919
00:48:46,039 --> 00:48:47,800
your territory, you gotta send men.

920
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:50,719
Speaker 1: Controlling the Mediterranean was great for them. They could travel

921
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:53,320
across their empire, really quickly because there's a big fucking

922
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:55,320
sea in the middle of it. That's way faster than

923
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:55,920
going over land.

924
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:58,119
Speaker 2: I'm not talking about water, I'm talking about shit. That's

925
00:48:58,119 --> 00:49:02,199
like way out there. Yeah, Like, how far did the

926
00:49:02,199 --> 00:49:04,360
the Romans got to fucking London?

927
00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 1: Right? Yes, they founded London. Yes, I believe that.

928
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:09,880
Speaker 2: Just seems like a headache.

929
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:11,320
Speaker 1: They seem to have a good time with it.

930
00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:15,159
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, it just seems like a lot. I mean

931
00:49:15,159 --> 00:49:16,280
the Romans were in Portugal.

932
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:20,960
Speaker 1: M hm. They went there. At their height, they stretched

933
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:23,360
from London to Baghdadh.

934
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:24,639
Speaker 2: That's gross.

935
00:49:25,199 --> 00:49:26,679
Speaker 1: I mean, what would be back. I don't think Big

936
00:49:26,719 --> 00:49:31,679
Dad existed yet, but that area, Yeah, good little stretch

937
00:49:31,679 --> 00:49:32,639
of land for him.

938
00:49:32,960 --> 00:49:34,679
Speaker 2: The sun never sets.

939
00:49:34,519 --> 00:49:36,400
Speaker 1: It definitely sat on the Roman Empire.

940
00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:39,920
Speaker 2: But it's like a couple of time zones, I know. Yeah,

941
00:49:40,119 --> 00:49:42,000
if only they kept going east.

942
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,480
Speaker 1: That'd be like Alexander Man, why not.

943
00:49:45,880 --> 00:49:49,519
Speaker 2: Just he took over? If the Romans just like conquered China.

944
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:51,119
Speaker 1: That's really what they should have done. I feel like,

945
00:49:51,159 --> 00:49:54,280
because they really could only fund their empire through conquest.

946
00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:59,360
There wasn't like an industrial revolution, Capitalism hadn't really happened.

947
00:49:59,039 --> 00:50:02,920
Speaker 2: Yet, so only so much money can wake on win, right, Like.

948
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:05,360
Speaker 1: The economics were a little different, So they should have

949
00:50:05,519 --> 00:50:10,320
just built the wall at you know, the border with Germany,

950
00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:13,119
keep those fucks out and just move east. Hit the

951
00:50:13,199 --> 00:50:16,519
Huns before the Huns hit. You start taking all their

952
00:50:16,519 --> 00:50:19,960
gold and wheat and what little mini ponies they ride on.

953
00:50:20,119 --> 00:50:23,519
Be proactive, Yeah, you got it exactly. Or go down

954
00:50:23,559 --> 00:50:27,760
into Arabia, see what treasures they have there. Actually, they

955
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:28,679
should have gone down to.

956
00:50:28,679 --> 00:50:32,119
Speaker 2: Punt, really fucked around in Punt.

957
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:35,000
Speaker 1: So that actually would have been useful too, if they

958
00:50:35,039 --> 00:50:37,519
had gone down to Somalia and kept They did make

959
00:50:37,559 --> 00:50:39,400
it to the Persian golf, but they didn't keep it

960
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:43,159
like Basra and stuff like that and set up a

961
00:50:43,159 --> 00:50:47,000
trade route with like a direct trade route with like

962
00:50:47,039 --> 00:50:49,440
India and China. They could have done that, I guess,

963
00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:51,920
but they didn't. Hold on. They didn't. They didn't have

964
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:54,599
the foresight. That's what happens when you schedule a civil

965
00:50:54,639 --> 00:50:57,920
war every four fucking years. Real quick. Before we keep going,

966
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:00,840
we do have some ads. First up Factor head to

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982
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it's soul sucking. It is just awful. So that is

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where Factor comes in. They are the only people like

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Speaker 2: Also, every time I feel, especially in the Punic Wars

1024
00:53:47,559 --> 00:53:51,280
when we talked about it, just every time you send

1025
00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:54,800
out ships like a dozen or so would just get

1026
00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:55,880
wiped out by a storm.

1027
00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:58,159
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I don't know how anyone got anything done.

1028
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:01,199
Speaker 2: So many storms just killed so many people. Most of

1029
00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:04,519
the Punic like casualties were just men lost at sea.

1030
00:54:04,679 --> 00:54:09,360
Speaker 1: This is what I say about whenever anyone bitches about

1031
00:54:09,559 --> 00:54:12,320
modern times at all. I'm just like you are living

1032
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,920
inside of a trillion miracles all at once. I do

1033
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:21,639
not understand how people made civilization like to sheer will power.

1034
00:54:22,559 --> 00:54:28,719
It's fucking crazy, So enjoy your bitch ass, little lie.

1035
00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:31,599
I I am soft hands because I understand what I am.

1036
00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:34,480
Your problem is you don't understand that you're a soft hand.

1037
00:54:34,519 --> 00:54:36,039
Speaker 2: You're soft hands because you choose to be.

1038
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:39,360
Speaker 1: No, we all are, and I understand it. You don't.

1039
00:54:39,360 --> 00:54:42,280
You're in denial of your soft handedness because.

1040
00:54:42,039 --> 00:54:42,800
Speaker 2: I have callouses.

1041
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:45,599
Speaker 1: Your soul ain't callous.

1042
00:54:46,760 --> 00:54:50,159
Speaker 2: My soul's callous as hell for a little it's been

1043
00:54:50,199 --> 00:54:51,079
through the ringer.

1044
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:53,400
Speaker 1: For a little twenty first century twink boy, it has.

1045
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:56,320
Speaker 2: You're calling me a twink boy. Now you're you are

1046
00:54:56,599 --> 00:54:59,159
is because I'm starting to get speltz. I'm two hundred

1047
00:54:59,159 --> 00:54:59,800
and twenty five pounds.

1048
00:55:00,119 --> 00:55:02,760
Speaker 1: You're historically your soul is a twink. Your soul ain't

1049
00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:05,320
been through shit. You ain't seen shit. Dude.

1050
00:55:05,320 --> 00:55:08,719
Speaker 2: Physically, though, I would be a specimen six foot two

1051
00:55:08,800 --> 00:55:11,480
twenty five, that's fine me. On the battlefield, I'm taking

1052
00:55:11,519 --> 00:55:15,440
out so many people. You soft. Then these little fucking

1053
00:55:15,559 --> 00:55:17,239
five to two romans, well they know how to use

1054
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:20,920
a sword, dude, I'm fucking just gonna rush them.

1055
00:55:21,039 --> 00:55:24,440
Speaker 1: You're your goliath, some little twink is taking you down

1056
00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:26,159
with the sling shot chain.

1057
00:55:28,119 --> 00:55:32,559
Speaker 2: I would just blast through these fuckers, these tiny little gremlins.

1058
00:55:33,440 --> 00:55:36,679
Speaker 1: We're all soft hands. We are the soft hands generation.

1059
00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 2: Also, if I'm going back, then I would also probably

1060
00:55:40,519 --> 00:55:42,039
train every day. What else are you gonna do?

1061
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:44,719
Speaker 1: Literally there, you got nothing else to do but push ups.

1062
00:55:44,719 --> 00:55:46,800
Speaker 2: I would become the Jake Paul of Roman War.

1063
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:48,440
Speaker 1: What does that mean?

1064
00:55:48,559 --> 00:55:50,079
Speaker 2: I would just I would train every day and I

1065
00:55:50,079 --> 00:55:54,039
would get at least good enough to Yeah, yeah, why

1066
00:55:54,079 --> 00:55:56,840
not to entertain? Would you start riding? I think you

1067
00:55:56,840 --> 00:55:58,920
would get distracted by hookers and chariots.

1068
00:56:00,119 --> 00:56:00,599
Speaker 1: Probably not.

1069
00:56:00,880 --> 00:56:04,719
Speaker 2: Chariots aren't really my thing, not cherry guy. No, those

1070
00:56:04,719 --> 00:56:07,800
are probably my least favorite part of the First Gladiator

1071
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:08,800
was the chariots.

1072
00:56:09,119 --> 00:56:12,199
Speaker 1: That was the best battle in the First Gladiator when

1073
00:56:12,199 --> 00:56:14,559
they actually had to fight as a unit. Yeah, that

1074
00:56:14,679 --> 00:56:16,519
was the best battle by far.

1075
00:56:17,199 --> 00:56:18,480
Speaker 2: I enjoyed the New Gladiator.

1076
00:56:18,800 --> 00:56:19,679
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can't wait to see it.

1077
00:56:19,679 --> 00:56:20,480
Speaker 2: I want to apologize.

1078
00:56:20,559 --> 00:56:22,360
Speaker 1: We need to see Wicked first, But I try to

1079
00:56:22,400 --> 00:56:23,639
convince my wife to do Glicked.

1080
00:56:25,039 --> 00:56:29,039
Speaker 2: We're not doing that. You can't do Barberenheimer. Ever again, Barb,

1081
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:31,159
you can't force it.

1082
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:36,840
Speaker 1: I will say though, that glickt is as close as

1083
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:40,039
we've gotten so far because one movie is super gay

1084
00:56:40,599 --> 00:56:41,119
the other.

1085
00:56:41,039 --> 00:56:43,719
Speaker 2: Is a bro movie. Yeah, well, Oppenheimer Gladiator too is

1086
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:44,480
the Return of Brothers.

1087
00:56:44,519 --> 00:56:47,679
Speaker 1: But the difference, though is that Gladiator is not dark.

1088
00:56:48,159 --> 00:56:49,800
I mean, I'm sure dark shit happens in it and

1089
00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:54,079
stuff like that, but like it's fun, it's fun. Oppenheimer's

1090
00:56:54,159 --> 00:56:58,639
not fun. It's a brilliant movie. I loved it. I

1091
00:56:58,679 --> 00:57:00,800
loved it. It's one of the best reserves. But it

1092
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:05,360
is like heavy. It is heavy as the fucking water

1093
00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:08,280
they were using to make those bombs, Like, I mean,

1094
00:57:08,480 --> 00:57:11,960
god damn it. And that's the ironic like juxtaposition. Well,

1095
00:57:12,199 --> 00:57:13,280
Laator two's not heavy.

1096
00:57:13,360 --> 00:57:14,840
Speaker 2: He's Death in Destroyer of Worlds.

1097
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:17,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I am become death Destroyer of world which he's

1098
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:20,679
like saying, is he's blasting Florence Pew but whatever.

1099
00:57:21,079 --> 00:57:24,000
Speaker 2: And you said, apparently Cilia Murphy and Florence Peugh just

1100
00:57:24,079 --> 00:57:24,880
kept going at it.

1101
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:28,880
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, no different movie. Andrew Garfield and Florence

1102
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,960
Pugh kept banging after somebody they didn't hear cut and

1103
00:57:32,039 --> 00:57:34,440
they just kept going for like thirty minutes, which like

1104
00:57:34,679 --> 00:57:36,000
it was like no, they but they did say it

1105
00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:38,840
was like ten fifteen minutes, which is a long time.

1106
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:41,360
Speaker 2: And they were actors. They were in the moment.

1107
00:57:41,239 --> 00:57:44,400
Speaker 1: Also, but like what are you what are you doing?

1108
00:57:44,679 --> 00:57:46,079
Speaker 2: Or they just want to blast.

1109
00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:48,960
Speaker 1: Pen and their pen or is it just like four

1110
00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:55,800
play makeout titty kiss It depends if their method. Yeah,

1111
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:58,480
I want to know. I want to know.

1112
00:57:58,480 --> 00:58:01,679
Speaker 2: Because people definitely have real sex on camera. I think

1113
00:58:01,719 --> 00:58:06,400
in movies say for sure, do something. Charlotte Boof definitely does.

1114
00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:09,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I think it happens more than we think.

1115
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:12,400
Speaker 2: Was that Niphomaniacs, I think I think they have full

1116
00:58:12,440 --> 00:58:12,880
penny in that.

1117
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:13,159
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1118
00:58:13,239 --> 00:58:17,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, But that's the episode for today. Make sure to

1119
00:58:17,679 --> 00:58:19,800
leave a review five stars please and thank you on

1120
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:22,800
Spotify Apple if you could actually leave a review, that

1121
00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:26,559
will really help us out. Check out patreon dot com

1122
00:58:26,599 --> 00:58:29,199
slash softcore History, where you get two additional episodes every

1123
00:58:29,239 --> 00:58:33,280
week Wednesday and Friday, typically episodes like this. We also

1124
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:36,199
have game shows. We have board games we've been playing

1125
00:58:36,559 --> 00:58:38,960
back in the day that we have a whole series

1126
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:41,679
with that. You wrote a couple of blogs, a lot

1127
00:58:41,679 --> 00:58:42,960
of blogs, actually a lot.

1128
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:44,480
Speaker 1: Of blogs scripted to sketches.

1129
00:58:44,599 --> 00:58:47,320
Speaker 2: I have a couple of sketches up. Should be able

1130
00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:49,480
to sort and kind of go through. But yeah, five

1131
00:58:49,559 --> 00:58:53,159
dollars a month for all this additional content over three

1132
00:58:53,239 --> 00:58:54,599
years of evergreen content.

1133
00:58:54,679 --> 00:58:57,039
Speaker 1: It is ever an evergreen back catalog.

1134
00:58:57,159 --> 00:59:00,119
Speaker 2: So we know holidays are coming up. Get a long

1135
00:59:00,199 --> 00:59:03,679
road trip like myself when I'll have to drive back

1136
00:59:03,719 --> 00:59:08,199
to Philly. Just throw on the catalog. Let's go and

1137
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:11,280
just listen to our sweet, sweet voices, cause you'll miss

1138
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:17,639
me anyway. For Rob Fox, I'm damnagester and you just

1139
00:59:17,719 --> 00:59:18,480
got saw served