WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>This is section seven of The Gilded Age. This LibriVox

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<v Speaker 1>recording is in the public domain. The Gilded Age A

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<v Speaker 1>Story of to Day by Mark Twain and C. D. Warner,

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<v Speaker 1>Chapter seven via Pecunia. When she's run and gone and

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<v Speaker 1>fled and dead, then will I fetch her again with

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<v Speaker 1>aquavita out of an old hog's head, while there are

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<v Speaker 1>LEAs of wine or dregs of beer. I'll never want

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<v Speaker 1>her coin her out of cobweb's dust. But I'll have

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<v Speaker 1>her raise wool upon egg shells, sir, and make grass

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<v Speaker 1>grow out of marrow bones to make her come b Johnson,

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<v Speaker 1>bearing Washington Hawkins and his fortunes. The stage coach tore

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<v Speaker 1>out of Swansea at a fearful gait, with horn tooting gaily,

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<v Speaker 1>and half the town admiring from doors and windows. But

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<v Speaker 1>it did not tear any more. After it got to

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<v Speaker 1>the outskirts. It dragged along stupidly enough then till it

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<v Speaker 1>came in sight of the next hamlet, And then the

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<v Speaker 1>bugle tooted gaily again, and again the vehicle went tearing

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<v Speaker 1>by the horses. This sort of conduct marked every entry

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<v Speaker 1>to a station and every exit from it, And so

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<v Speaker 1>in those days children grew up with the idea that

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<v Speaker 1>stage coaches all was tore and all was tootored. But

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<v Speaker 1>they also grew up with the idea that pirates went

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<v Speaker 1>into action in their Sunday clothes, carrying the black flag

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<v Speaker 1>in one hand and pistoling people with the other, merely

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<v Speaker 1>because they were so represented in the pictures. But these

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<v Speaker 1>illusions vanished when later years brought their disenchanting wisdom. They

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<v Speaker 1>learned then that the stage coach is but a poor, plodding,

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<v Speaker 1>vulgar thing in the solitudes of the highway, and that

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<v Speaker 1>the pirate is only a unfantastic ruff when he is

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<v Speaker 1>out of the pictures. Toward evening, the stage coach came

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<v Speaker 1>thundering into Hawkeye with a perfectly triumphant ostentation, which was

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<v Speaker 1>natural and proper, for Hawkeye was a pretty large town

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<v Speaker 1>for interior Missouri. Washington, very stiff and tired and hungry,

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<v Speaker 1>climbed out and wondered how he was to proceed now.

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<v Speaker 1>But his difficulty was quickly solved. Colonel Sellers came down

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<v Speaker 1>the street on a run and arrived panting for breath.

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<v Speaker 1>He said, Lord, bless you, I'm glad to see you. Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>perfectly delighted to see you, my boy. I got your message,

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<v Speaker 1>been on the lookout for you, heard the stage horn,

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<v Speaker 1>but had a party. I couldn't shake off. A man

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<v Speaker 1>that's got an enormous thing on hand wants me to

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<v Speaker 1>put some capital into it. And I tell you, my boy,

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<v Speaker 1>I could do worse. I could do a deal worse. No, now,

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<v Speaker 1>let that luggage alone. I'll fix that here. Jerry, got

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<v Speaker 1>anything to do? All right, shoulder this plunder and follow me.

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<v Speaker 1>Come along, Washington, Lord, I'm glad to see you. Wife

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<v Speaker 1>and the children are just perishing to look at you.

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<v Speaker 1>Bless you. They won't know you. You've grown so folks. All well,

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<v Speaker 1>I suppose that's good. Glad to hear that. We're always

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<v Speaker 1>going to run down and see them. But I'm into

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<v Speaker 1>so many operations, and they're not things a man feels

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<v Speaker 1>like trusting to other people, And so somehow we keep

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<v Speaker 1>putting it off. Fortunes in them. Good gracious, it's the

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<v Speaker 1>country to pile up wealth in here we are, here's

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<v Speaker 1>where the Seller's dynasty hangs out. Hump it on the doorstep. Jerry,

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<v Speaker 1>the blackest negro in the state Washington, but got a

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<v Speaker 1>good heart. Mighty likely, boy is Jerry. And now I

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<v Speaker 1>suppose you've got to have ten cents, Jerry. That's all

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<v Speaker 1>right when a man works for me. When a man

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<v Speaker 1>in the other pocket, I reckon, when a man why

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<v Speaker 1>where the mischief is that port money? When? Well, now

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<v Speaker 1>that's odd? Oh now I remember, must have left it

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<v Speaker 1>at the bank. And by George, i've left my check

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<v Speaker 1>book too, Polly says, I ought to have a nurse. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>no matter, let me have a dime, Washington, if you've

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<v Speaker 1>got a ah, thanks, Now clear out, Jerry. Your complexion

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<v Speaker 1>has brought on the twilight half an hour ahead of time.

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<v Speaker 1>Pretty fair joke, Pretty fair. Here he is, Polly Washington's come, children,

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<v Speaker 1>come now, don't eat him up, finish him in the house.

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome my boy to a mansion that is proud to

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<v Speaker 1>shelter the son of the best man that walks on

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<v Speaker 1>the ground. Cy Hawkins has been a good friend to me,

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<v Speaker 1>and I believe I can say that whenever I've had

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<v Speaker 1>a chance to put him into a good thing, I've

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<v Speaker 1>done it, and done it pretty cheerfully too. I put

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<v Speaker 1>him into that sugar speculation. What a grand thing that was.

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<v Speaker 1>If we hadn't held on too long, true enough, but

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<v Speaker 1>holding on too long had utterly ruined both of them,

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<v Speaker 1>and the saddest part of it was that they never

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<v Speaker 1>had had so much money to lose before. First Cellar's

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<v Speaker 1>sale of their mule crop that year in New Orleans

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<v Speaker 1>had been a great financial success. If he had kept

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<v Speaker 1>out of sugar and gone back home content to stick

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<v Speaker 1>to mules, it would have been a happy wisdom. As

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<v Speaker 1>it was, he managed to kill two birds with one stone.

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<v Speaker 1>That is to say, he killed the sugar speculation by

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<v Speaker 1>holding for high rates till he had to sell at

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<v Speaker 1>the bottom figure, and that calamity killed the mule that

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<v Speaker 1>laid the golden egg, which is but a figurative expression,

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<v Speaker 1>and will be so understood. Sellers had returned home cheerful

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<v Speaker 1>but empty handed, and the mule business lapsed into other hands.

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<v Speaker 1>The sale of the Hawkins property by the sheriff had followed,

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<v Speaker 1>and the Hawkins hearts been torn to see Uncle Danel

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<v Speaker 1>and his wife pass from the auction block into the

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<v Speaker 1>hands of a Negro trader and depart for the remote South,

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<v Speaker 1>to be seen no more by the family. It had

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<v Speaker 1>seemed like seeing their own flesh and blood sold into banishment.

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<v Speaker 1>Washington was greatly pleased with the seller's mansion. It was

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<v Speaker 1>a two story and a half brick and much more

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<v Speaker 1>stylish than any of its neighbors. He was borne to

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<v Speaker 1>the family sitting room in Triumph by the swarm of

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<v Speaker 1>little cellarses, the parents following with their arms about each

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<v Speaker 1>other's waists. The whole family were poorly and cheaply dressed,

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<v Speaker 1>and the clothing, although neat and clean, showed many evidences

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<v Speaker 1>of having seen long service. The colonel's stovepipe hat was

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<v Speaker 1>napless and shiny, with much polishing, but nevertheless it had

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<v Speaker 1>an almost convincing expression about it of having been just

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<v Speaker 1>purchased new. The rest of his clothing was napless and shiny, too,

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<v Speaker 1>but it had the air of being entirely satisfied with

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<v Speaker 1>itself and blandly sorry for other people's clothes. It was

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<v Speaker 1>growing rather dark in the house, and the evening air

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<v Speaker 1>was chilly too. Sellers said, lay off your overcoat, Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>and draw up to the stove and make yourself at home.

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<v Speaker 1>Consider yourself under your own shingles. My boy, I'll have

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<v Speaker 1>a fire going into jiffy light the lamp, Polly, dear,

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<v Speaker 1>and let's have things cheerful, just as glad to see you, Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>as if you'd been lost a century and we'd found

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<v Speaker 1>you again. By this time, the Colonel was conveying a

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<v Speaker 1>lighted match into a poor little stove. Then he propped

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<v Speaker 1>the stove door to its place by leaning the poker

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<v Speaker 1>against it, for the Hinges had retired from business. This

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<v Speaker 1>door framed a small square of eyesnglass, which now warmed

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<v Speaker 1>up with a faint glow. Missus Sellars lit a cheap,

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<v Speaker 1>showy lamp, which dissipated a good deal of the gloom.

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<v Speaker 1>And then everybody gathered into the light and took the

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<v Speaker 1>stove into close companionship. The children climbed all over Cellars,

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<v Speaker 1>fondled him, petted him, and were lavishly petted in return.

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<v Speaker 1>Out from this tugging, laughing, chattering disguise of legs and

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<v Speaker 1>arms and little faces, the colonel's voice worked its way,

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<v Speaker 1>and his tireless tongue ran blithely on without interrupt option.

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<v Speaker 1>And the purring little wife, diligent with her knitting, sat

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<v Speaker 1>near at hand and looked happy and proud and grateful.

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<v Speaker 1>And she listened as one who listens to oracles and gospels,

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<v Speaker 1>and whose grateful soul is being refreshed with the bread

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<v Speaker 1>of life. By and bye. The children quieted down to listen,

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<v Speaker 1>Clustered about their father, and resting their elbows on his legs,

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<v Speaker 1>they hung upon his words as if he were uttering

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<v Speaker 1>the music of the spheres. A dreary, old haircloth sofa

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<v Speaker 1>against the wall, a few damaged chairs, the small table,

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<v Speaker 1>the lamp stood on the crippled stove. These things constituted

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<v Speaker 1>the furniture of the room. There was no carpet on

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<v Speaker 1>the floor. On the wall were occasional square shaped interruptions

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<v Speaker 1>of the general tint of the plaster, which betrayed that

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<v Speaker 1>there used to be pictures in the house, but there

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<v Speaker 1>were none now. There were no mantle ornaments, unless one

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<v Speaker 1>might bring himself to regard as an ornament a clock

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<v Speaker 1>which never came within fifteen strokes of striking the right time,

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<v Speaker 1>and whose hands all was hitched together at twenty two

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<v Speaker 1>minutes past anything, and traveled in company the rest of

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<v Speaker 1>the way home. Remarkable clock, said Cellars, and got up

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<v Speaker 1>and wound it. I've been offered, well, I wouldn't expect

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<v Speaker 1>you to believe what I've been offered for that clock.

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<v Speaker 1>Old Governor Hager never sees me, but he says, come now, Colonel,

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<v Speaker 1>name your price. I must have that clock, but by goodness,

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<v Speaker 1>i'd as soon think of selling my wife. As I

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<v Speaker 1>was saying to silence in the court, now she's begun

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<v Speaker 1>to strike. You can't talk against her. You have to

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<v Speaker 1>just be patient and hold up till she's said her say. Ah, well,

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<v Speaker 1>as I was saying, when she's beginning again nineteen twenty

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<v Speaker 1>twenty one, twenty two, twenty, ah, that's all. Yes, as

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<v Speaker 1>I was saying to old judge, got it, old girl,

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<v Speaker 1>don't mind me? Now, how is that yat? Isn't that

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<v Speaker 1>a good spirited tone? She can wake the dead sleep?

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<v Speaker 1>Ha ha, Why you might as well try to sleep

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<v Speaker 1>in a thunder factory. Now just listen at that. She'll

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<v Speaker 1>strike a hundred and fifty now without stopping. You'll see

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<v Speaker 1>there ain't another clock like that in Christendom. Washington hoped

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<v Speaker 1>that this might be true, for the din was distracting,

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<v Speaker 1>though the family one and all seemed filled with joy.

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<v Speaker 1>And the more the clock buckled down to her work

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<v Speaker 1>as the colonel expressed it, and the more insupportable the

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<v Speaker 1>clatter became, the more enchanted, they all appeared to be.

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<v Speaker 1>When there was silence, missus Sellers lifted upon Washington a

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<v Speaker 1>face that beamed with a childlike pride and said it

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<v Speaker 1>belonged to his grandmother. The look and the tone were

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<v Speaker 1>a plain call for admiring surprise, and therefore Washington said

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<v Speaker 1>it was the only thing that offered itself at the moment. Indeed, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>it did, didn't it? Father, exclaimed one of the twins.

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<v Speaker 1>She was my great grandmother, and George's too, wasn't she? Father?

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<v Speaker 1>You never saw her, But Sis has seen her when

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<v Speaker 1>Sis was a baby, didn't you? Sis? Sis has seen

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<v Speaker 1>her most a hundred times. She was awful deef. She's

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<v Speaker 1>dead now, ain't she? Father? All the children chimed in

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<v Speaker 1>now with one general babble of information about deceased, nobody

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<v Speaker 1>offering to read the ride Act or seeming to discountenance

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<v Speaker 1>the insurrection or disapprove of it in any way. But

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<v Speaker 1>the head twin drowned all the turmoil and held his

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<v Speaker 1>own against the field. It's our clock now, and it's

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<v Speaker 1>got wheels inside of it, and the thing that flutters

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<v Speaker 1>every time she strikes, don't it? Father? Great grandmother died

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<v Speaker 1>before hardly any of us was born. She was an

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<v Speaker 1>old school Baptist and had warts all over her. You

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<v Speaker 1>ask father if she didn't. She had an uncle once

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<v Speaker 1>that was bald headed and used to have fits. He

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't our uncle. I don't know what he was to us,

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<v Speaker 1>some kin or another. I reckon, Father's seen him a

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<v Speaker 1>thousand times, ain't you Father. We used to have a

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<v Speaker 1>calf that at Apple's and just chawed up dis rags

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<v Speaker 1>like nothing. And if you stay here you'll see lots

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<v Speaker 1>of funerals, won't he says? Did you ever see a

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<v Speaker 1>house afire? I have once, me and Jimmy Terry. But

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<v Speaker 1>sellers began to speak now, and the storm ceased. He

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<v Speaker 1>began to tell about an enormous speculation he was thinking

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<v Speaker 1>of embarking some capital in, a speculation which some London

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<v Speaker 1>bankers had been over to consult with him about. And

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<v Speaker 1>soon he was building glittering pyramids of coin, and Washington

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<v Speaker 1>was presently growing opulent under the magic of his eloquence.

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<v Speaker 1>But at the same time, Washington was not able to

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<v Speaker 1>ignore the cold entirely. He was nearly as close to

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<v Speaker 1>the stove as he could get, and yet he could

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<v Speaker 1>not persuade himself that he felt the slightest heat, notwithstanding

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<v Speaker 1>the englass door was still gently and serenely glowing. He

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<v Speaker 1>tried to get a trifle closer to the stove, and

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<v Speaker 1>the consequence was he tripped the supporting poker, and the

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<v Speaker 1>stove bore tumbled to the floor. And then there was

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<v Speaker 1>a revelation there was nothing in the stove but a lighted,

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<v Speaker 1>tallow candle. The poor youth blushed and felt as if

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<v Speaker 1>he must die with shame. But the colonel was only

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<v Speaker 1>disconcerted for a moment. He straightway found his voice again.

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<v Speaker 1>A little idea of my own, Washington, one of the

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<v Speaker 1>greatest things in the world. You must write and tell

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<v Speaker 1>your father about it. Don't forget that. Now. I have

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<v Speaker 1>been reading up some European scientific reports. Friend of mine,

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<v Speaker 1>Colonel Fougier sent them to me. Sends me all sorts

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<v Speaker 1>of things from Paris. He thinks the world of me,

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<v Speaker 1>Fugie does well. I saw that the Academy of France

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<v Speaker 1>had been testing the properties of heat, and they came

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<v Speaker 1>to the conclusion that it was a non conductor or

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<v Speaker 1>something like that, and of course its influence must necessarily

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<v Speaker 1>be deadly In nervous organizations with excitable temperaments, especially where

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<v Speaker 1>there is any ten and see toward rheumatic affections. Bless you.

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<v Speaker 1>I saw in a moment what was the matter with us?

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<v Speaker 1>And says I, out goes your fires. No more slow

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<v Speaker 1>torture and certain death for me, sir. What you want

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<v Speaker 1>is the appearance of heat, not the heat itself. That's

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<v Speaker 1>the idea. Well, how to do it was the next thing.

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<v Speaker 1>I just put my head to work, pegged away a

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<v Speaker 1>couple of days, and here you are rheumatism. Why a

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<v Speaker 1>man can't any more start a case of rheumatism in

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<v Speaker 1>this house than he can shake an opinion out of

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<v Speaker 1>a mummy stove with a candle in it and a

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<v Speaker 1>transparent door. That's it. It has been the salvation of

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<v Speaker 1>this family. Don't you fail to write your father about it, Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>and tell him the idea is mine. I'm no more

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<v Speaker 1>conceited than most people, I reckon, But you know it

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<v Speaker 1>is human nature for a man to want credit for

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<v Speaker 1>a thing like that. Washington said with his blue lips

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<v Speaker 1>that he would, But he said in his secret heart

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<v Speaker 1>that he would promote no such iniquity. He tried to

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<v Speaker 1>believe in the healthfulness of the invention, and succeeded tolerably well.

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<v Speaker 1>But after all he could not feel that good health

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<v Speaker 1>in a frozen body was any real improvement on the rheumatism.

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<v Speaker 1>End of Chapter seven