Speaker 1: This is section seven of The Gilded Age. This LibriVox
Speaker 1: recording is in the public domain. The Gilded Age A
Speaker 1: Story of to Day by Mark Twain and C. D. Warner,
Speaker 1: Chapter seven via Pecunia. When she's run and gone and
Speaker 1: fled and dead, then will I fetch her again with
Speaker 1: aquavita out of an old hog's head, while there are
Speaker 1: LEAs of wine or dregs of beer. I'll never want
Speaker 1: her coin her out of cobweb's dust. But I'll have
Speaker 1: her raise wool upon egg shells, sir, and make grass
Speaker 1: grow out of marrow bones to make her come b Johnson,
Speaker 1: bearing Washington Hawkins and his fortunes. The stage coach tore
Speaker 1: out of Swansea at a fearful gait, with horn tooting gaily,
Speaker 1: and half the town admiring from doors and windows. But
Speaker 1: it did not tear any more. After it got to
Speaker 1: the outskirts. It dragged along stupidly enough then till it
Speaker 1: came in sight of the next hamlet, And then the
Speaker 1: bugle tooted gaily again, and again the vehicle went tearing
Speaker 1: by the horses. This sort of conduct marked every entry
Speaker 1: to a station and every exit from it, And so
Speaker 1: in those days children grew up with the idea that
Speaker 1: stage coaches all was tore and all was tootored. But
Speaker 1: they also grew up with the idea that pirates went
Speaker 1: into action in their Sunday clothes, carrying the black flag
Speaker 1: in one hand and pistoling people with the other, merely
Speaker 1: because they were so represented in the pictures. But these
Speaker 1: illusions vanished when later years brought their disenchanting wisdom. They
Speaker 1: learned then that the stage coach is but a poor, plodding,
Speaker 1: vulgar thing in the solitudes of the highway, and that
Speaker 1: the pirate is only a unfantastic ruff when he is
Speaker 1: out of the pictures. Toward evening, the stage coach came
Speaker 1: thundering into Hawkeye with a perfectly triumphant ostentation, which was
Speaker 1: natural and proper, for Hawkeye was a pretty large town
Speaker 1: for interior Missouri. Washington, very stiff and tired and hungry,
Speaker 1: climbed out and wondered how he was to proceed now.
Speaker 1: But his difficulty was quickly solved. Colonel Sellers came down
Speaker 1: the street on a run and arrived panting for breath.
Speaker 1: He said, Lord, bless you, I'm glad to see you. Washington,
Speaker 1: perfectly delighted to see you, my boy. I got your message,
Speaker 1: been on the lookout for you, heard the stage horn,
Speaker 1: but had a party. I couldn't shake off. A man
Speaker 1: that's got an enormous thing on hand wants me to
Speaker 1: put some capital into it. And I tell you, my boy,
Speaker 1: I could do worse. I could do a deal worse. No, now,
Speaker 1: let that luggage alone. I'll fix that here. Jerry, got
Speaker 1: anything to do? All right, shoulder this plunder and follow me.
Speaker 1: Come along, Washington, Lord, I'm glad to see you. Wife
Speaker 1: and the children are just perishing to look at you.
Speaker 1: Bless you. They won't know you. You've grown so folks. All well,
Speaker 1: I suppose that's good. Glad to hear that. We're always
Speaker 1: going to run down and see them. But I'm into
Speaker 1: so many operations, and they're not things a man feels
Speaker 1: like trusting to other people, And so somehow we keep
Speaker 1: putting it off. Fortunes in them. Good gracious, it's the
Speaker 1: country to pile up wealth in here we are, here's
Speaker 1: where the Seller's dynasty hangs out. Hump it on the doorstep. Jerry,
Speaker 1: the blackest negro in the state Washington, but got a
Speaker 1: good heart. Mighty likely, boy is Jerry. And now I
Speaker 1: suppose you've got to have ten cents, Jerry. That's all
Speaker 1: right when a man works for me. When a man
Speaker 1: in the other pocket, I reckon, when a man why
Speaker 1: where the mischief is that port money? When? Well, now
Speaker 1: that's odd? Oh now I remember, must have left it
Speaker 1: at the bank. And by George, i've left my check
Speaker 1: book too, Polly says, I ought to have a nurse. Well,
Speaker 1: no matter, let me have a dime, Washington, if you've
Speaker 1: got a ah, thanks, Now clear out, Jerry. Your complexion
Speaker 1: has brought on the twilight half an hour ahead of time.
Speaker 1: Pretty fair joke, Pretty fair. Here he is, Polly Washington's come, children,
Speaker 1: come now, don't eat him up, finish him in the house.
Speaker 1: Welcome my boy to a mansion that is proud to
Speaker 1: shelter the son of the best man that walks on
Speaker 1: the ground. Cy Hawkins has been a good friend to me,
Speaker 1: and I believe I can say that whenever I've had
Speaker 1: a chance to put him into a good thing, I've
Speaker 1: done it, and done it pretty cheerfully too. I put
Speaker 1: him into that sugar speculation. What a grand thing that was.
Speaker 1: If we hadn't held on too long, true enough, but
Speaker 1: holding on too long had utterly ruined both of them,
Speaker 1: and the saddest part of it was that they never
Speaker 1: had had so much money to lose before. First Cellar's
Speaker 1: sale of their mule crop that year in New Orleans
Speaker 1: had been a great financial success. If he had kept
Speaker 1: out of sugar and gone back home content to stick
Speaker 1: to mules, it would have been a happy wisdom. As
Speaker 1: it was, he managed to kill two birds with one stone.
Speaker 1: That is to say, he killed the sugar speculation by
Speaker 1: holding for high rates till he had to sell at
Speaker 1: the bottom figure, and that calamity killed the mule that
Speaker 1: laid the golden egg, which is but a figurative expression,
Speaker 1: and will be so understood. Sellers had returned home cheerful
Speaker 1: but empty handed, and the mule business lapsed into other hands.
Speaker 1: The sale of the Hawkins property by the sheriff had followed,
Speaker 1: and the Hawkins hearts been torn to see Uncle Danel
Speaker 1: and his wife pass from the auction block into the
Speaker 1: hands of a Negro trader and depart for the remote South,
Speaker 1: to be seen no more by the family. It had
Speaker 1: seemed like seeing their own flesh and blood sold into banishment.
Speaker 1: Washington was greatly pleased with the seller's mansion. It was
Speaker 1: a two story and a half brick and much more
Speaker 1: stylish than any of its neighbors. He was borne to
Speaker 1: the family sitting room in Triumph by the swarm of
Speaker 1: little cellarses, the parents following with their arms about each
Speaker 1: other's waists. The whole family were poorly and cheaply dressed,
Speaker 1: and the clothing, although neat and clean, showed many evidences
Speaker 1: of having seen long service. The colonel's stovepipe hat was
Speaker 1: napless and shiny, with much polishing, but nevertheless it had
Speaker 1: an almost convincing expression about it of having been just
Speaker 1: purchased new. The rest of his clothing was napless and shiny, too,
Speaker 1: but it had the air of being entirely satisfied with
Speaker 1: itself and blandly sorry for other people's clothes. It was
Speaker 1: growing rather dark in the house, and the evening air
Speaker 1: was chilly too. Sellers said, lay off your overcoat, Washington,
Speaker 1: and draw up to the stove and make yourself at home.
Speaker 1: Consider yourself under your own shingles. My boy, I'll have
Speaker 1: a fire going into jiffy light the lamp, Polly, dear,
Speaker 1: and let's have things cheerful, just as glad to see you, Washington,
Speaker 1: as if you'd been lost a century and we'd found
Speaker 1: you again. By this time, the Colonel was conveying a
Speaker 1: lighted match into a poor little stove. Then he propped
Speaker 1: the stove door to its place by leaning the poker
Speaker 1: against it, for the Hinges had retired from business. This
Speaker 1: door framed a small square of eyesnglass, which now warmed
Speaker 1: up with a faint glow. Missus Sellars lit a cheap,
Speaker 1: showy lamp, which dissipated a good deal of the gloom.
Speaker 1: And then everybody gathered into the light and took the
Speaker 1: stove into close companionship. The children climbed all over Cellars,
Speaker 1: fondled him, petted him, and were lavishly petted in return.
Speaker 1: Out from this tugging, laughing, chattering disguise of legs and
Speaker 1: arms and little faces, the colonel's voice worked its way,
Speaker 1: and his tireless tongue ran blithely on without interrupt option.
Speaker 1: And the purring little wife, diligent with her knitting, sat
Speaker 1: near at hand and looked happy and proud and grateful.
Speaker 1: And she listened as one who listens to oracles and gospels,
Speaker 1: and whose grateful soul is being refreshed with the bread
Speaker 1: of life. By and bye. The children quieted down to listen,
Speaker 1: Clustered about their father, and resting their elbows on his legs,
Speaker 1: they hung upon his words as if he were uttering
Speaker 1: the music of the spheres. A dreary, old haircloth sofa
Speaker 1: against the wall, a few damaged chairs, the small table,
Speaker 1: the lamp stood on the crippled stove. These things constituted
Speaker 1: the furniture of the room. There was no carpet on
Speaker 1: the floor. On the wall were occasional square shaped interruptions
Speaker 1: of the general tint of the plaster, which betrayed that
Speaker 1: there used to be pictures in the house, but there
Speaker 1: were none now. There were no mantle ornaments, unless one
Speaker 1: might bring himself to regard as an ornament a clock
Speaker 1: which never came within fifteen strokes of striking the right time,
Speaker 1: and whose hands all was hitched together at twenty two
Speaker 1: minutes past anything, and traveled in company the rest of
Speaker 1: the way home. Remarkable clock, said Cellars, and got up
Speaker 1: and wound it. I've been offered, well, I wouldn't expect
Speaker 1: you to believe what I've been offered for that clock.
Speaker 1: Old Governor Hager never sees me, but he says, come now, Colonel,
Speaker 1: name your price. I must have that clock, but by goodness,
Speaker 1: i'd as soon think of selling my wife. As I
Speaker 1: was saying to silence in the court, now she's begun
Speaker 1: to strike. You can't talk against her. You have to
Speaker 1: just be patient and hold up till she's said her say. Ah, well,
Speaker 1: as I was saying, when she's beginning again nineteen twenty
Speaker 1: twenty one, twenty two, twenty, ah, that's all. Yes, as
Speaker 1: I was saying to old judge, got it, old girl,
Speaker 1: don't mind me? Now, how is that yat? Isn't that
Speaker 1: a good spirited tone? She can wake the dead sleep?
Speaker 1: Ha ha, Why you might as well try to sleep
Speaker 1: in a thunder factory. Now just listen at that. She'll
Speaker 1: strike a hundred and fifty now without stopping. You'll see
Speaker 1: there ain't another clock like that in Christendom. Washington hoped
Speaker 1: that this might be true, for the din was distracting,
Speaker 1: though the family one and all seemed filled with joy.
Speaker 1: And the more the clock buckled down to her work
Speaker 1: as the colonel expressed it, and the more insupportable the
Speaker 1: clatter became, the more enchanted, they all appeared to be.
Speaker 1: When there was silence, missus Sellers lifted upon Washington a
Speaker 1: face that beamed with a childlike pride and said it
Speaker 1: belonged to his grandmother. The look and the tone were
Speaker 1: a plain call for admiring surprise, and therefore Washington said
Speaker 1: it was the only thing that offered itself at the moment. Indeed, yes,
Speaker 1: it did, didn't it? Father, exclaimed one of the twins.
Speaker 1: She was my great grandmother, and George's too, wasn't she? Father?
Speaker 1: You never saw her, But Sis has seen her when
Speaker 1: Sis was a baby, didn't you? Sis? Sis has seen
Speaker 1: her most a hundred times. She was awful deef. She's
Speaker 1: dead now, ain't she? Father? All the children chimed in
Speaker 1: now with one general babble of information about deceased, nobody
Speaker 1: offering to read the ride Act or seeming to discountenance
Speaker 1: the insurrection or disapprove of it in any way. But
Speaker 1: the head twin drowned all the turmoil and held his
Speaker 1: own against the field. It's our clock now, and it's
Speaker 1: got wheels inside of it, and the thing that flutters
Speaker 1: every time she strikes, don't it? Father? Great grandmother died
Speaker 1: before hardly any of us was born. She was an
Speaker 1: old school Baptist and had warts all over her. You
Speaker 1: ask father if she didn't. She had an uncle once
Speaker 1: that was bald headed and used to have fits. He
Speaker 1: wasn't our uncle. I don't know what he was to us,
Speaker 1: some kin or another. I reckon, Father's seen him a
Speaker 1: thousand times, ain't you Father. We used to have a
Speaker 1: calf that at Apple's and just chawed up dis rags
Speaker 1: like nothing. And if you stay here you'll see lots
Speaker 1: of funerals, won't he says? Did you ever see a
Speaker 1: house afire? I have once, me and Jimmy Terry. But
Speaker 1: sellers began to speak now, and the storm ceased. He
Speaker 1: began to tell about an enormous speculation he was thinking
Speaker 1: of embarking some capital in, a speculation which some London
Speaker 1: bankers had been over to consult with him about. And
Speaker 1: soon he was building glittering pyramids of coin, and Washington
Speaker 1: was presently growing opulent under the magic of his eloquence.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, Washington was not able to
Speaker 1: ignore the cold entirely. He was nearly as close to
Speaker 1: the stove as he could get, and yet he could
Speaker 1: not persuade himself that he felt the slightest heat, notwithstanding
Speaker 1: the englass door was still gently and serenely glowing. He
Speaker 1: tried to get a trifle closer to the stove, and
Speaker 1: the consequence was he tripped the supporting poker, and the
Speaker 1: stove bore tumbled to the floor. And then there was
Speaker 1: a revelation there was nothing in the stove but a lighted,
Speaker 1: tallow candle. The poor youth blushed and felt as if
Speaker 1: he must die with shame. But the colonel was only
Speaker 1: disconcerted for a moment. He straightway found his voice again.
Speaker 1: A little idea of my own, Washington, one of the
Speaker 1: greatest things in the world. You must write and tell
Speaker 1: your father about it. Don't forget that. Now. I have
Speaker 1: been reading up some European scientific reports. Friend of mine,
Speaker 1: Colonel Fougier sent them to me. Sends me all sorts
Speaker 1: of things from Paris. He thinks the world of me,
Speaker 1: Fugie does well. I saw that the Academy of France
Speaker 1: had been testing the properties of heat, and they came
Speaker 1: to the conclusion that it was a non conductor or
Speaker 1: something like that, and of course its influence must necessarily
Speaker 1: be deadly In nervous organizations with excitable temperaments, especially where
Speaker 1: there is any ten and see toward rheumatic affections. Bless you.
Speaker 1: I saw in a moment what was the matter with us?
Speaker 1: And says I, out goes your fires. No more slow
Speaker 1: torture and certain death for me, sir. What you want
Speaker 1: is the appearance of heat, not the heat itself. That's
Speaker 1: the idea. Well, how to do it was the next thing.
Speaker 1: I just put my head to work, pegged away a
Speaker 1: couple of days, and here you are rheumatism. Why a
Speaker 1: man can't any more start a case of rheumatism in
Speaker 1: this house than he can shake an opinion out of
Speaker 1: a mummy stove with a candle in it and a
Speaker 1: transparent door. That's it. It has been the salvation of
Speaker 1: this family. Don't you fail to write your father about it, Washington,
Speaker 1: and tell him the idea is mine. I'm no more
Speaker 1: conceited than most people, I reckon, But you know it
Speaker 1: is human nature for a man to want credit for
Speaker 1: a thing like that. Washington said with his blue lips
Speaker 1: that he would, But he said in his secret heart
Speaker 1: that he would promote no such iniquity. He tried to
Speaker 1: believe in the healthfulness of the invention, and succeeded tolerably well.
Speaker 1: But after all he could not feel that good health
Speaker 1: in a frozen body was any real improvement on the rheumatism.
Speaker 1: End of Chapter seven