1
00:00:01,399 --> 00:00:06,080
Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Welcome to my podcast Drunkish. I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor.

2
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,839
Last year I published a book called Drunkish, where I

3
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,160
told my story about quitting drinking. But now I'm doing

4
00:00:13,199 --> 00:00:17,000
a podcast where I talk to other people about quitting

5
00:00:17,519 --> 00:00:22,280
drinking and other stuff. So, whether you're sober, sober, curious,

6
00:00:22,359 --> 00:00:25,559
or just like hearing stories about Whino's, you're welcome here.

7
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,440
And before we get to today's guest, please follow this

8
00:00:29,559 --> 00:00:35,280
podcast on your little podcast appbscribe to it, Please review

9
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,560
it or rate it. It will help me grow Today.

10
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,920
My guest is a friend of mine, personal friend of mine.

11
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:46,439
Her name is Laura Capcart Robbins. She's the author of

12
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,719
a best selling book called Stash My Life in Hiding.

13
00:00:51,359 --> 00:00:54,600
She also hosts a popular podcast called The Only One

14
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,759
in the Room, where she talks to people about being

15
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,640
the only person to have excited experienced something. And in

16
00:01:02,679 --> 00:01:07,200
twenty twenty four, her New York Times Modern Love essay

17
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,120
was turned into an episode of the Modern Love podcast,

18
00:01:10,159 --> 00:01:15,239
which is very cool. She was named the SDWF Memoirrist

19
00:01:15,439 --> 00:01:18,760
of the Year. She's a teedex speaker. She's been on

20
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:23,599
a bunch of shows, The Tameron Hall show Doctor Phil

21
00:01:24,599 --> 00:01:26,799
and her work has appeared all over the.

22
00:01:26,799 --> 00:01:31,280
Speaker 2: Place, but she is with us now, so please enjoy

23
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:46,840
the show.

24
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,680
Speaker 1: Hello Laura, I'm so excited. All the people who listen

25
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,319
to my intro know how excited I am to talk

26
00:01:56,359 --> 00:02:01,719
to you. We have Wow. We go back, we go back,

27
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,400
We go back to the beginning of both of our sobrieties,

28
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,879
which I want to discuss. But also we also have

29
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,199
been I've been on your podcast twice, You've been on

30
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:16,039
my pot. We know each other's stories, yes, yeah, but

31
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,080
now we're bringing your story to other people. I think

32
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,759
I'm going to say, like right off the bat, something

33
00:02:21,759 --> 00:02:25,280
that's unique about your story is that you had to

34
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:29,520
quit Ambient, which a lot of people don't realize is

35
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,039
a drug that people get addicted to.

36
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,439
Speaker 3: Well, in fact, it's prescribed or it's touted as a

37
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,719
drug that is an addictive, isn't it. Yeah, it's one

38
00:02:39,719 --> 00:02:42,520
of the things. One of the ways they prescribe ambient

39
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,240
is by saying that it doesn't have the addictive qualities

40
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:51,240
that other sleeping or sedation medications do. But I am

41
00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:54,520
living proof that is in fact faulty.

42
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,879
Speaker 1: Well. Also, I mean I know quite a few people

43
00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:01,039
who have gotten addicted to ambient Yeah.

44
00:03:01,159 --> 00:03:06,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not as common as other drugs, but I have.

45
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,960
I actually where I went to treatment. That place is

46
00:03:11,039 --> 00:03:14,680
kind of famous for treating famous ambient addicts.

47
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:15,319
Speaker 1: Wow.

48
00:03:15,479 --> 00:03:19,400
Speaker 3: Really Yeah, Well I like Tiger Woods, Like that's the

49
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,840
first one. I There are more. I can't think of

50
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,800
who they are now, but there is like a series

51
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,840
of people who went there to address their ambient addiction.

52
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,360
Speaker 1: Now do you think? And I want to get into

53
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:36,360
your whole story which is so good and Laura's book,

54
00:03:36,439 --> 00:03:38,240
which I already told you about at the beginning and

55
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,879
you'll hear about it at the end, but Stash is your book,

56
00:03:41,319 --> 00:03:45,800
My life in Hiding, and it's such a good book.

57
00:03:45,879 --> 00:03:49,520
It's so deep. But you, I mean, the thing about

58
00:03:49,599 --> 00:03:52,879
the ambient is that I'm curious about is do you

59
00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:56,879
think that people start taking it totally innocuously for sleep

60
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,599
and then or do you think it's people that are

61
00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:03,840
already abusing, like already drink too much. Well, who are

62
00:04:03,879 --> 00:04:08,639
the people that get like ooh this is good? Yeah?

63
00:04:08,719 --> 00:04:10,599
Speaker 3: I mean I don't think there are a lot of

64
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,560
dealers dealing in per se, you know what I mean,

65
00:04:14,719 --> 00:04:17,680
Like they might have it for cocaine addicts, so they

66
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,120
can come down, but it's like not the main thing

67
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:25,279
that they're dealing. It's it's usually something that people get

68
00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:27,920
addicted to because it was they were it was prescribed

69
00:04:27,959 --> 00:04:32,399
for them, and so people are typically addressing a sleep

70
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:37,000
issue when when they get hooked on ambient And like

71
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,519
for me, you know, I was able to take it

72
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,000
kind of normally for about a year I took I

73
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,879
got prescribed thirty of them, and it took me a

74
00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:47,279
year to get through that bottle.

75
00:04:48,199 --> 00:04:50,560
Speaker 1: But the next year I thought, you meant for a year,

76
00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:53,120
like you were taking it every night, like you know,

77
00:04:53,319 --> 00:04:54,959
thirty a month. Oh I got.

78
00:04:55,199 --> 00:04:59,439
Speaker 3: I got a total of thirty the first year. And yeah,

79
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,759
I didn't get another prescription that year. It was just

80
00:05:02,959 --> 00:05:05,879
like every once in a while, as needed, I would

81
00:05:05,959 --> 00:05:08,040
take one and it absolutely did the trick.

82
00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:12,680
Speaker 1: But did you notice did you have that period? Because

83
00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:18,319
what I understand from the ambient use is that or misuse,

84
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,079
is that you cannot just fall asleep. I have taken

85
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:26,839
ambien in my life in the past and fell asleep

86
00:05:26,879 --> 00:05:29,560
in twenty minutes, but there was no high period.

87
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that was the thing. It's like for me,

88
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,959
you know, I have been you know, like people look

89
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,399
for romantic partners all their lives, I was looking for

90
00:05:40,439 --> 00:05:43,879
a drug partner. I'm like, what's the perfect drug for me?

91
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,839
And I never found it until I took that first ambien.

92
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,959
And you're right, I did fall asleep pretty quickly. But

93
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,160
there was a period of time right after I took

94
00:05:54,199 --> 00:05:58,040
it where I had this euphoric high, something that I

95
00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:02,759
never experienced before or since. I will add you know,

96
00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:04,759
it's that thing I write it in the book. It's

97
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,720
that high that heroin addicts Chase. It's that euphoric disconnection

98
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:14,800
where everything feels floaty and warm and yummy and squishy.

99
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,040
And I would experience that, you know, for probably if

100
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,879
I were timing myself about ten minutes, but that was

101
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,480
enough for me, and then I would have the best

102
00:06:24,519 --> 00:06:27,720
sleep I'd ever had in my life following that feeling.

103
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,000
Speaker 1: Well, I'm shocked that you didn't get addicted to it

104
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:34,839
faster than if you felt that feeling too.

105
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,040
Speaker 3: But you know what, I had really little kids when

106
00:06:38,199 --> 00:06:41,000
it started. One was a baby, one was a toddler.

107
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,360
I think the way that my mind was wired at

108
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,600
the time was I just needed to I had to

109
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,240
be up too many times during the night, so it

110
00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:51,680
wasn't really possible for me to knock out every night.

111
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,839
Then it became possible later on when they were a

112
00:06:54,879 --> 00:06:56,759
little bit older and they were sleeping through the night.

113
00:06:56,879 --> 00:07:00,879
Then I could knock out more off. But I couldn't.

114
00:07:00,959 --> 00:07:03,319
I couldn't practically do that that first year.

115
00:07:04,439 --> 00:07:06,879
Speaker 1: So well, take me all the way back, give me

116
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,319
a little of the childhood. You and I have some

117
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,040
stuff in common from childhood.

118
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:17,519
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, my childhood is I guess it's a

119
00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:20,439
pretty unique story. You know. I was in Cambridge, mass

120
00:07:21,319 --> 00:07:24,360
I had two parents who divorced when they when I

121
00:07:24,439 --> 00:07:27,800
was four. Dad moved to another state to go to

122
00:07:27,839 --> 00:07:30,519
med school and then open his practice as a doctor.

123
00:07:31,079 --> 00:07:35,279
I stayed with mom. She remarried a man who just

124
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,199
did not like me. You know, everything I did rubbed

125
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,000
him the wrong way.

126
00:07:39,439 --> 00:07:39,759
Speaker 1: Same.

127
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, and yes, and that's when I learned kind of

128
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,279
to edit myself, you know, in order to keep the

129
00:07:45,319 --> 00:07:49,600
household peaceful. I dropped out of high school right after

130
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,800
ninth grade. I was really just drowning in this three

131
00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:58,040
thousand person school after being in a a school was

132
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,399
like maybe maybe one hundred kids. I don't think so.

133
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,519
In the whole school and there were eleven kids in

134
00:08:04,519 --> 00:08:08,560
my class, and I was just so unprepared for that transfer.

135
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,319
I was very much on my own at my first

136
00:08:11,319 --> 00:08:13,800
public school, and I just I just didn't make it

137
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:20,240
and didn't go to college. Had my first drink somewhere

138
00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:26,240
around sixteen or seventeen. Hated it would pretend that I

139
00:08:26,279 --> 00:08:28,360
was drinking when I was with my friends, but really

140
00:08:28,399 --> 00:08:31,879
just dumping it in the bushes. Didn't like it. But

141
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,879
what I didn't did end up liking around nineteen was

142
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,720
freebasing cocaine, which is I mean, I went all the

143
00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:43,000
way from like nothing to the to the worst.

144
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,879
Speaker 1: Right, You're like, no, I'll pass on the beer. Do

145
00:08:46,879 --> 00:08:48,639
you have any crack?

146
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,679
Speaker 3: And this is even before crack, right, this is before

147
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,600
it was named crack. And it was very glamorous. There

148
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,600
were these big parties and it was being cooked in

149
00:08:57,639 --> 00:09:01,240
the kitchen and people were like smoke in these gowns.

150
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,039
And I thought it was really cool. And I did

151
00:09:04,039 --> 00:09:06,960
it on weekends for about a year and I started

152
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,200
missing shit, you know, like start not showing up for

153
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:13,039
stuff on Mondays. The weekends became longer, and my parents

154
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:17,240
confronted me, so I stopped which I thought was evidence

155
00:09:17,279 --> 00:09:20,159
that I was not an addict or an alcoholic because

156
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,639
I just stopped in my tracks.

157
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,960
Speaker 1: But when you dropped out of high school, what did

158
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:29,519
your mom and stepfather say about that you drop out

159
00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,240
in the ninth grade? Usually they have some feelings.

160
00:09:32,519 --> 00:09:35,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I stopped going in the ninth grade. I

161
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,919
actually enrolled in the tenth grade and I was there

162
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,000
on campus, but I didn't go to any classes in

163
00:09:40,039 --> 00:09:43,480
tenth grade. And that's when it came to light. There

164
00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:47,200
was a lot of back and forth about where I should,

165
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,399
Should I go to another school, should I start ninth

166
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,639
grade over like? And I didn't want to do any

167
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,279
of the things that they suggested. So they said, well,

168
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:55,919
if you're not going to be in school, you have

169
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,039
to get a job. And so I got a job

170
00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:04,039
and that I worked at Berkeley Sauna and my job

171
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,759
was to clean out the sauna rooms, which was disgusting.

172
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:15,559
It was like, you know, skid marked towels, oh off

173
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,679
the bench, and then you know, like carefully try not

174
00:10:18,759 --> 00:10:21,399
to touch anything, and then like clean the sauna room

175
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,720
for the next person and check them. And I worked

176
00:10:23,759 --> 00:10:26,679
at Ortman's ice Cream. I scooped ice cream there. I

177
00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:29,200
was a waitress at Skates on the Bay, like I

178
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,519
did a variety of things.

179
00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:34,519
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, and then you just happened. Did you meet

180
00:10:34,519 --> 00:10:37,039
some people that got you into freebasing?

181
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:41,360
Speaker 3: Oh? Yeah, Well I had this group of black friends

182
00:10:41,759 --> 00:10:44,080
that I met during this time period of my life.

183
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,120
And I'd had black friends before, but not like black

184
00:10:47,159 --> 00:10:50,200
black friends. Like they were black like me, Like they

185
00:10:50,279 --> 00:10:52,799
kind of grew up around white people and they kind

186
00:10:52,799 --> 00:10:55,240
of fit in everywhere. This was a group of black

187
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,879
women that only grew up around black people. They grew

188
00:10:57,919 --> 00:11:00,440
up in a black neighborhood. They went to black church,

189
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,960
black hair salons, black clubs, and I fell in with them,

190
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,840
and a friend of a friend took me to one

191
00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:11,399
of those parties. They weren't into it. They weren't into

192
00:11:11,519 --> 00:11:13,960
drugs at all, this group of black women, but I

193
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,000
lit up when I was introduced to it. So I

194
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,120
would go back by myself without them.

195
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:24,440
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, so your freebasing.

196
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:29,039
Speaker 3: Coke, Yeah, freebasing coke on the weekends and then going.

197
00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:34,360
Speaker 1: Socially you're socially freebasing, of course, I get it.

198
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,519
Speaker 3: And then going to work during the week and that's

199
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,039
that was what I was doing. You know, up and

200
00:11:39,159 --> 00:11:43,080
up through about nineteen and a half, and that's before

201
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,440
I turned twenty is when they confronted me, and then

202
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:52,200
I switched gears and started. I moved to LA to

203
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,279
direct commercials. That's what I thought I was going to

204
00:11:54,320 --> 00:12:00,080
do here, really, Okay, I a commercial director and I

205
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,960
went to work for one and found out that I

206
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,519
was not going to be a commercial director. There weren't

207
00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:08,360
any women directing commercials, and except for Penny Marshall, who

208
00:12:08,399 --> 00:12:10,600
was an actress on who had just come off a

209
00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:11,639
hit TV show, you.

210
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,799
Speaker 1: Bern and Shirley, of course. Yeah. Wait, so how old

211
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,240
were you when you moved to LA.

212
00:12:17,919 --> 00:12:21,080
Speaker 3: Twenty one turning twenty two?

213
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,240
Speaker 1: Okay, because I moved to LA from the East Coast

214
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:29,639
when I was nineteen. Ah, yeah, to be an actress comedian.

215
00:12:29,799 --> 00:12:32,120
I didn't know what was going to happen. Yeah, I

216
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:32,559
knew that.

217
00:12:32,759 --> 00:12:33,639
Speaker 3: I knew that about you.

218
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, so young too, I mean I did. I did

219
00:12:36,639 --> 00:12:40,279
graduate high school, but barely. Yeah that's bad.

220
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:44,639
Speaker 3: People, right, like, yeah, it's but yeah, it's an odd

221
00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:47,000
thing to be sixty years old, which is what I am,

222
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,159
and not have graduated high school. Because most people assume

223
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,240
that I got a ged or I went back at

224
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,120
some point and got a diploma and I just never did.

225
00:12:56,759 --> 00:12:59,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know why, but I love that so much. Yeah,

226
00:13:01,039 --> 00:13:03,679
and nowadays it's odd to have not gone to college.

227
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,519
People are like, wow, you didn't go to college. Yeah,

228
00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:07,919
but and then I ended up being a writer.

229
00:13:08,159 --> 00:13:12,879
Speaker 3: So I don't know, right, yes, exactly, Well, there there

230
00:13:12,919 --> 00:13:15,840
are more. There's more than one way to get an education.

231
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,600
And I think that my education was obviously not a

232
00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,200
formal one, but I still got an education.

233
00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:26,120
Speaker 1: But you're like a hustler, you know, which I think

234
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,279
is half of it. I think half of it is

235
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,159
just being like, you know what, I want to try

236
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,840
that thing? Okay, you know what. I'm going to try

237
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,960
that thing? All right? How do I who do I

238
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,799
need to know? What do I need to do to

239
00:13:35,879 --> 00:13:36,679
make this happen?

240
00:13:37,279 --> 00:13:41,200
Speaker 3: One hundred percent? Yeah, And that's how I spent my twenties.

241
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:44,000
I started looking for like the next thing. I was

242
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,679
drinking very socially in my twenties, like I would party

243
00:13:47,759 --> 00:13:51,759
with my friends. But by the time I was twenty

244
00:13:51,799 --> 00:13:57,320
six turning twenty seven, I owned my own PR firm

245
00:13:56,080 --> 00:14:00,840
and I had that for four years and it was

246
00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:04,600
a very strict schedule. Everything was back East client wise,

247
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,120
so I had to be in my office at six thirty.

248
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,559
This was like pre cell phones, you know. We had

249
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:15,399
fax machines, just starting to get email, but nobody really

250
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,720
used it. We had bike messengers, so everything was very

251
00:14:18,759 --> 00:14:22,879
analogue and I needed to be in my office, hands

252
00:14:22,879 --> 00:14:27,000
on to do anything. So drinking excessively would have gotten

253
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,039
in the way of that. And that wasn't even calling

254
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,080
me at that point. I was I was really just

255
00:14:32,399 --> 00:14:33,360
running my company.

256
00:14:33,519 --> 00:14:35,720
Speaker 1: Okay, then what happened.

257
00:14:36,759 --> 00:14:41,600
Speaker 3: Got married, had kids, and pretty much pretty sure that

258
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:50,399
I had postpartum anxiety but undiagnosed. Same. Yeah, no one

259
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,679
said this, but I don't think there was that language

260
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:56,559
then either. I don't think people people talked about postpartum

261
00:14:56,559 --> 00:15:01,000
depression right which when they asked me, you know, do

262
00:15:01,039 --> 00:15:03,200
you are you crying, do you feel flat? Do you

263
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,960
feel listless? Do you want to end your life like those?

264
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,000
I was like no, no, no, no, So it was

265
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:12,000
ruled out that I didn't have this. But what they

266
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,799
were asking me the wrong questions, you know, And but

267
00:15:15,879 --> 00:15:18,639
I didn't know. I didn't know. I was just like, good,

268
00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:21,759
I'm not one of those postpartum moms like I don't

269
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,360
have to because you know, there was a lot of

270
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,600
judgment around that, then a lot of judgment around moms

271
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,960
who couldn't like make it or hack it.

272
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,840
Speaker 1: Was it before Brookshields wrote her book Down down Comes

273
00:15:32,879 --> 00:15:34,519
the Rain. I think it was, Oh.

274
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,759
Speaker 3: My god, I think that's what. Yeah, I don't know

275
00:15:36,759 --> 00:15:38,000
if it was before that or not.

276
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,360
Speaker 1: Probably it was before that.

277
00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:42,399
Speaker 3: Probably probably she kind of broke.

278
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,720
Speaker 1: That open, like this is what happens. I had I

279
00:15:45,799 --> 00:15:49,120
had gone to the doctor, uh for I was crying

280
00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:52,799
all the time, but I wasn't flat. I was like

281
00:15:53,159 --> 00:15:58,960
on fire, you know, yeah, hyper vigilant, very worried, and

282
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,039
I didn't know what was wrong with me. But I

283
00:16:01,399 --> 00:16:04,559
just thought I'd made a huge mistake in having a baby.

284
00:16:04,679 --> 00:16:06,799
That's what I thought. I really was, like, this was

285
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,879
a massive bad decision and it's I ruined my life

286
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,720
and I couldn't feel the I loved my baby and

287
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,279
I wanted to protect her, but I felt such a

288
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,919
huge responsibility, like it was all on me, like everything,

289
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:28,360
every decision was going to be huge and could be wrong.

290
00:16:28,879 --> 00:16:31,279
So when I went to the doctor, he just said, yeah,

291
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,840
well you had a baby. It's a big responsibility, and

292
00:16:33,919 --> 00:16:37,320
so I suffered for a while until I think I

293
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,320
think my daughter was like a year and a half

294
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,480
old before I went to a psychiatrist who said, yeah,

295
00:16:42,639 --> 00:16:47,480
you have anxiety, and then he gave me Xanax and

296
00:16:47,519 --> 00:16:49,679
I fell in love. That was my job of.

297
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:55,559
Speaker 3: Yes, really similar. Yeah, that book actually came out in

298
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,440
two thousand and six. Down came the Rain.

299
00:16:57,519 --> 00:17:01,840
Speaker 1: I just looked it up, okay, which was yeah, sour

300
00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:05,279
our My first baby was two thousand and four and

301
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:08,960
mine was nineteen ninety eight, so we predate. Sorry, Brooke,

302
00:17:09,039 --> 00:17:09,599
he didn't.

303
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,960
Speaker 3: Help us too late, so nice, it would have been

304
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,400
really nice, but yeah, no, it was. It was too late.

305
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,799
But that's a really similar story Stephanie, yours and mine.

306
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,400
That's kind of crazy.

307
00:17:22,759 --> 00:17:25,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, so did you feel that way too, Like what

308
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,119
have I done to my life?

309
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:33,319
Speaker 3: Mine was really specific. It was like I felt fine,

310
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,480
except for I was very tired during the day. But

311
00:17:36,599 --> 00:17:39,240
as soon as they went to sleep, I was afraid

312
00:17:39,279 --> 00:17:43,720
to sleep, and every single like pre wake up whimper

313
00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:47,759
got me up like a fireman, and I was hovering

314
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,079
like to see if they needed me, and I couldn't

315
00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:53,160
ever fully get back to sleep because I was so

316
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,839
afraid of them waking up and needing me and me

317
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,680
not being there, and so that's where it centered. I

318
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,599
didn't really experience it that much during the day, except

319
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:06,079
for I was like snapping at people during the day

320
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:10,440
because I was so tired from having been basically, you know,

321
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,559
not wide awake all night but not really ever getting

322
00:18:13,599 --> 00:18:15,720
into a deep sleep because of that. And they were

323
00:18:15,759 --> 00:18:19,119
back to back, you know, Miles was ninety eight and

324
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,440
then Justin was ninety nine.

325
00:18:20,759 --> 00:18:23,839
Speaker 1: Oh wow, okay, it was It was.

326
00:18:23,839 --> 00:18:26,839
Speaker 3: Just kind of a continuous two years of that.

327
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:33,599
Speaker 1: So not to backtrack too far, but did you when

328
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:38,000
you were rebasing, did you just stop and go all right?

329
00:18:38,039 --> 00:18:40,319
That was the old That was just that's young stuff.

330
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,319
Speaker 3: It wasn't not, no, It was just that my parents

331
00:18:43,319 --> 00:18:46,640
confronted me and they were worried, and I was just like, one,

332
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,680
I did not want them to worry about me, Like

333
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,279
that felt too heavy and like I had done something

334
00:18:52,319 --> 00:18:55,400
wrong and I didn't like that. So I was like, well,

335
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,640
the way to remedy this is for me not to

336
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,160
do this anymore. That way they won't have any thing

337
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:05,839
to worry about. And then because I moved also, it

338
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,960
just wasn't like I didn't even know where to do that.

339
00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:11,480
And then it was crack and it had like that

340
00:19:11,519 --> 00:19:14,960
ghetto reputation, and it was different. It wasn't cooked in

341
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,359
someone's kitchen where I watched it. It was sold in

342
00:19:17,519 --> 00:19:21,160
viols on the street. Like I. It seemed dirty then,

343
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:25,000
like something that I was interested in doing. I'm I've

344
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,279
never been a drug dealer, drug user.

345
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:32,960
Speaker 1: Right, you want that bespoke freebase, that.

346
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:40,640
Speaker 3: Primo, you know, like winery experience. I wanted some Mollier

347
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:41,920
for my free.

348
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:46,319
Speaker 1: Base, exactly. I get that. I feel that. Yeah, yeah,

349
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:52,319
so okay, so you're not really abusing alcohol or anything.

350
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:56,799
Then at this point, right right, you're a grown ass

351
00:19:56,839 --> 00:20:01,519
woman with kids and a husband, and you're nothing's wrong really.

352
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:06,440
Speaker 3: Except for the anxiety and the not sleeping at night. Yeah.

353
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:09,400
Speaker 1: So then you get some ambient and I get some ambient,

354
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,000
and then the kids get old enough that you can

355
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,200
take it a little bit more.

356
00:20:12,799 --> 00:20:20,559
Speaker 3: Hell yeah, sleep that night. I loved it, Stephanie. I

357
00:20:20,599 --> 00:20:23,559
loved it. I loved everything about it. I couldn't wait

358
00:20:23,599 --> 00:20:24,240
to take it.

359
00:20:25,039 --> 00:20:25,240
Speaker 1: You know.

360
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:30,480
Speaker 3: It definitely rivaled my my love for my children, it

361
00:20:30,519 --> 00:20:33,880
really did. And it was my treat at the end

362
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,480
of the day. That's how I thought of it, because

363
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,200
I went one hundred percent for my kids, one hundred

364
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,240
percent through my day. I was doing everything. You know,

365
00:20:42,599 --> 00:20:44,759
Even before I was the PA president, which is the

366
00:20:44,839 --> 00:20:48,640
year I write about in Stash, I was the kindergarten

367
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,160
you know, like room mom.

368
00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:53,799
Speaker 1: I did too. Now, I was the room mom in

369
00:20:53,839 --> 00:20:56,160
preschool two years in a row.

370
00:20:57,279 --> 00:21:01,039
Speaker 3: And and but ill I was the chair of the

371
00:21:01,079 --> 00:21:05,519
fair like I did. I was always around campus a campus.

372
00:21:05,519 --> 00:21:09,119
I was always with my kids, and you know, then

373
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,000
I was a hostess, you know, in the evening, not

374
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:14,279
at a restaurant, but at my house. We would have

375
00:21:14,319 --> 00:21:18,160
dinner parties, we would throw different kinds of parties. We

376
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,079
were at premieres.

377
00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 1: So your husband, we should say, was a big deal,

378
00:21:24,039 --> 00:21:29,519
a big Hollywood deal, A big Hollywood deal, ran stuff,

379
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,039
ran shit in Hollywood. So you and so you had

380
00:21:33,599 --> 00:21:36,079
stopped doing your PR firm at this point.

381
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,680
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, as soon as I got pregnant with my

382
00:21:38,759 --> 00:21:41,559
first son, I started shutting it down, and by the

383
00:21:41,599 --> 00:21:43,480
time he was born it was completely close.

384
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,920
Speaker 1: Was there any part of you that was like, Okay,

385
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,319
now I'm married to this man who's sort of like

386
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,279
the big like he's the name in the relationship and people.

387
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,319
I mean, he was He's a powerful guy. I'm sure

388
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:59,799
that you guys had a connection that you didn't. I'm

389
00:21:59,839 --> 00:22:01,640
sure he didn't try to make you feel that way

390
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,160
at all. But did you feel like, oh wow, so

391
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,720
now my sense of identity is gone because I don't

392
00:22:07,759 --> 00:22:09,839
have my job or were you just like, no, you

393
00:22:09,839 --> 00:22:11,480
know what, this is what I want. I want to

394
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,440
be a stay at home mom.

395
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:18,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I think it was. I think it

396
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,920
was a little bit of all of that. I honestly,

397
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,359
by the end of my PR company, I was so

398
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,359
glad to shudter it. I was, you know, dealing with

399
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,680
a lot of hip hop music acts and they would

400
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,000
not show up, and they would neat babysitters and they

401
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,240
you know, do mushrooms before at MTV interview. But I'd

402
00:22:35,279 --> 00:22:38,480
have to like hand all them. And I was out

403
00:22:38,559 --> 00:22:41,240
late because there were all these parties that I had

404
00:22:41,279 --> 00:22:45,720
to either facilitate or run or walk them through and

405
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,119
then be at work, you know, like I said, at

406
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,119
six point thirty the next morning. And I was really

407
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,359
burning the candle at both ends, and I was finding

408
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:56,839
it not very fulfilling for me. So when I got

409
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,119
pregnant with Miles, there was no question in my mind

410
00:22:59,319 --> 00:23:01,000
that I wasn't going to try to work part time.

411
00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:02,240
I was glad to get rid of it.

412
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,440
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't.

413
00:23:04,319 --> 00:23:07,400
Speaker 3: Think that I thought of and my husband at that time.

414
00:23:07,519 --> 00:23:08,960
I mean, he was still a big deal, but he

415
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,319
was a director. He wasn't running anything. He could a

416
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,960
job to job, a lot of it on location. We

417
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,319
would go with him when he shot on location, So

418
00:23:18,559 --> 00:23:21,680
that seemed like, how could I do anything else I

419
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,359
would interfere with us being able to go with him, right,

420
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,000
It didn't seem like a sacrifice to me at the time.

421
00:23:28,519 --> 00:23:34,200
Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, But so as he did start running things,

422
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,000
I guess I mean when you were starting to have

423
00:23:36,079 --> 00:23:39,200
dinner parties and did that feel like a big responsibility.

424
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 3: Yeah. I think the idea of it was really fun

425
00:23:42,559 --> 00:23:45,599
to me, Like I loved the idea of it. I

426
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,880
loved meeting these celebrities that I had grown up watching

427
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:54,200
or had you know, just recently started watching. But in

428
00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:58,240
practice it was quite difficult for me. And I'm not

429
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:02,000
domestic at all, Like I don't cook, I don't clean,

430
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,319
I don't decorate. I'm really not interested in how a

431
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:09,880
table is set, I don't care. And so these are

432
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,079
all things that I was in charge of, you know,

433
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,559
kind of by default, and so that the practicality of

434
00:24:15,599 --> 00:24:21,119
it logistics were challenging for me. And and I think

435
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,599
the other thing was I really thought that I would

436
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:28,119
grow into it. I thought, like, you know, the practice,

437
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,319
you know how practice makes a practice. The more I

438
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,200
practiced this, it would become second nature, and then I

439
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,880
would be Martha Stewart and who was at the time,

440
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:42,039
you know, the consummate house of course, And it just wasn't.

441
00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:44,119
It didn't work that way for me. The more I

442
00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:46,880
did it, the more weary I became in it, and

443
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,799
the less I liked it, and the more I needed

444
00:24:48,839 --> 00:24:50,599
ambient at the end of the day.

445
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,359
Speaker 1: Okay, so you start to take the ambient, you love

446
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,079
it of it, You're like, this is my treat at

447
00:24:57,079 --> 00:25:01,519
the end of the day. Yes, what Then it starts

448
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,480
it's fun, Then it's fun with problems, then it's just problems.

449
00:25:05,519 --> 00:25:07,920
But so are we at just fun at this point?

450
00:25:09,079 --> 00:25:12,079
Speaker 3: I mean kind of you know, it's that Hemingway quote.

451
00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:16,039
It was gradually and then suddenly, and that's what it

452
00:25:16,079 --> 00:25:18,240
was for me, was we're talking about a six year period.

453
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 1: Woh okay, So you know.

454
00:25:21,559 --> 00:25:23,519
Speaker 3: Year one was the one that I talked where I

455
00:25:23,559 --> 00:25:26,440
only had one bottle and it was great. Year two,

456
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,079
I was taking one every night. This is approximate, This

457
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,440
isn't exactly three hundred and sixty five days.

458
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 1: But this is not a deposition. It's just I've got

459
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,160
no fact checkers.

460
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,119
Speaker 3: And somewhere at the end of year two, I started

461
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,640
needing like a one and a half to get to

462
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,119
sleep at night. By the middle of year three, I

463
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,079
was taking two to sleep and two in the middle

464
00:25:49,079 --> 00:25:51,920
of the night to get back to sleep, because it okay,

465
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:56,039
really fast, and my tolerance was just you know, growing

466
00:25:56,079 --> 00:26:00,440
at this really alarming rate. And so the thing that

467
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:03,240
I didn't like, which was alcohol, came into play then

468
00:26:03,799 --> 00:26:07,519
because if I boosted it with alcohol, I would get

469
00:26:07,559 --> 00:26:10,200
the effect I wanted and it would last longer, but

470
00:26:10,599 --> 00:26:12,799
that also wore off. I got a tolerance for that

471
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:16,359
as well, so you know, and for anyone who's watching

472
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,960
or listening who doesn't know, that is a lethal combination.

473
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:24,559
Sedatives and alcohol is something that one takes to end

474
00:26:24,559 --> 00:26:28,240
one's life. And I was taking more and more of

475
00:26:28,279 --> 00:26:32,000
that every night until that six year where I was taking.

476
00:26:32,559 --> 00:26:34,319
I say I was taking up to ten a day,

477
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:37,599
which is true, but I didn't usually have ten to

478
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,559
take during the day, so it wasn't like I took

479
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:42,559
ten a day every day. If I had them, I

480
00:26:42,599 --> 00:26:46,400
would have, But typically I only had four to five

481
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,839
a day to take, and so I would try to

482
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,559
like ration those out, and so I would probably end

483
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,240
up taking like four a day. And I say a day.

484
00:26:57,359 --> 00:26:59,640
This was all at night after my kids went to sleep,

485
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,039
for the part, and at the very end it was

486
00:27:02,079 --> 00:27:03,119
twenty four hours a day.

487
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,799
Speaker 1: So at the like at the end, could you take

488
00:27:06,839 --> 00:27:08,680
one in the middle of the day and just feel

489
00:27:08,759 --> 00:27:10,759
high from it and not need to go to sleep?

490
00:27:11,799 --> 00:27:13,880
Speaker 3: Yes, and no, I couldn't take a whole one in

491
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,200
the middle of the day because it would be visible.

492
00:27:16,599 --> 00:27:18,640
People would be able to tell that something was wrong

493
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:22,079
with me. But I could not be without anything because

494
00:27:22,079 --> 00:27:25,799
I would go into withdrawal, like really debilitating. So I

495
00:27:25,799 --> 00:27:29,200
would break off what I called corners, like part of

496
00:27:29,319 --> 00:27:33,279
one probably you know, maybe an eighth of a tablet,

497
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,079
and I would take that, like before I went into

498
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,960
school to give a speech to the parent association, to

499
00:27:40,039 --> 00:27:44,079
steady my hands, I would take one afterwards because I'd

500
00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,559
have so much adrenaline in me that I would need

501
00:27:46,559 --> 00:27:50,039
to calm down a corner and then I would save

502
00:27:50,079 --> 00:27:52,240
the whole ones for after my kids went to sleep,

503
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:53,079
when I went to sleep.

504
00:27:54,599 --> 00:27:57,200
Speaker 1: So when did you start at this point? Were you feeling?

505
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,240
I mean, I just remember from the book. Now, it's

506
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,200
been a little while since I read the book, but

507
00:28:03,279 --> 00:28:06,559
I remember scenes about like getting your prescription from the

508
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:11,920
doctor and just knowing that you had that full prescription bottle.

509
00:28:12,279 --> 00:28:15,319
Best feeling in the world. I remember it from And

510
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:18,119
I wrote about it too, about like get if I

511
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,400
could get like a whole thing of vic it in

512
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:26,279
or a toothpain. It was like Christmas morning, It was like, Wow,

513
00:28:26,799 --> 00:28:29,359
I have a whole bottle of pills. So or were

514
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,599
you already at that nervous too, like, Okay, I've got

515
00:28:32,599 --> 00:28:35,400
this many pills. But unless I mean, take me to

516
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,640
the part where you're like doctor shopping and trying to

517
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,039
figure out how to get somebody else.

518
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, so yeah, I got I got my

519
00:28:43,519 --> 00:28:48,599
prescriptions from different doctors. They were all my doctors, but

520
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:50,839
I would go to them, you know, I would figure

521
00:28:50,839 --> 00:28:52,640
out what the right thing to say to each of

522
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:56,920
these doctors would be like my obgyn. I don't remember

523
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:58,759
exactly the story I told him, but I would tell

524
00:28:58,799 --> 00:29:02,000
him one story. I had a psychiatrist who I was

525
00:29:02,039 --> 00:29:04,759
telling another story. I had my general practitioner, who I

526
00:29:04,799 --> 00:29:06,000
was telling another story.

527
00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:07,799
Speaker 1: You didn't feel like you could just say I'm having

528
00:29:07,839 --> 00:29:09,279
trouble sleeping. I need ambient.

529
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,279
Speaker 3: I did, but it had me a variation of that

530
00:29:12,279 --> 00:29:16,079
that made sense specifically for them, And it had to

531
00:29:16,119 --> 00:29:18,440
be like, well why am I The question would be

532
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,920
like why do you need another one so soon? Oh? Okay,

533
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,200
So I would need to come up with reasons why

534
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,640
I need another one so soon? And you know, I

535
00:29:27,799 --> 00:29:30,440
use the story of our houses being tinted and we

536
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:32,799
had to leave, and I left my medications there.

537
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: Oh that's a good one, isn't that good? That's so specific. Yeah,

538
00:29:39,039 --> 00:29:41,839
it's really specificity that really sells it.

539
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:45,839
Speaker 3: And because it had happened once and it was true,

540
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,160
and don't you know I went back in that tinted

541
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:49,200
house and got my meds.

542
00:29:49,319 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 1: Well yeah, I.

543
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,119
Speaker 3: Mean I don't think they hadn't turned on the gas yet,

544
00:29:54,119 --> 00:29:56,799
but it was still and I was just like, I'll

545
00:29:56,839 --> 00:30:01,160
be right back as they're running after me. Miss missed no, no,

546
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,400
but yeah, I mean I needed to come up with

547
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:09,519
different reasons why someone like me was needing refills sooner

548
00:30:09,519 --> 00:30:13,440
and sooner and sooner, and eventually that wears them with everybody, right,

549
00:30:14,599 --> 00:30:18,839
each doctor. And this was really at a time when

550
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,039
the way that it works now, I think is that

551
00:30:22,079 --> 00:30:24,680
it's all in one day database. You know, you get

552
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,640
a prescription filled and the state of California knows.

553
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. The thing you don't want to hear, the

554
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:33,680
word you do not want to hear is triplicate.

555
00:30:34,559 --> 00:30:36,640
Speaker 3: Ah.

556
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 1: So when I found out that percoset for which I

557
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,039
got from my C section, and then when I got

558
00:30:42,039 --> 00:30:45,000
it from my second C section, they were like triplicate,

559
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:45,599
I was like.

560
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,559
Speaker 3: Ah, wait, what does that mean.

561
00:30:47,759 --> 00:30:50,519
Speaker 1: It just means that it goes to different copies of

562
00:30:50,559 --> 00:30:54,359
it are like filed. Basically, it's not just between you

563
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:57,519
and your doctor. It's between you your doctor, the state.

564
00:30:57,839 --> 00:30:59,759
Like it's you know, everybody knows.

565
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:05,480
Speaker 3: Everybody knows. And and so I started using my my middle name,

566
00:31:05,519 --> 00:31:07,480
which is my I don't like the word and the

567
00:31:07,519 --> 00:31:09,440
maiden name I have to think of it because that

568
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:14,759
sounds so like Victorian my maiden name, but the name

569
00:31:14,799 --> 00:31:18,160
I was born with which is part of my my name,

570
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,559
but I just started using that instead of my full name,

571
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,480
and that got me like another month or two under

572
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,720
the radar, right, Oh, can you just call it into

573
00:31:28,119 --> 00:31:32,039
this name please? And but you know, then I went

574
00:31:32,079 --> 00:31:37,720
to see like an orthopedic surgeon, like I started having to.

575
00:31:38,279 --> 00:31:41,480
And then people weren't playing ball though, because they immediately

576
00:31:41,559 --> 00:31:45,920
wanted to call my GP and get my files. Oh no, yeah,

577
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,200
and so, and I would like to forget it, forget it.

578
00:31:48,279 --> 00:31:52,880
I'm not, don't do that. And you know, eventually I

579
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:57,319
started running out faster and faster. I would boost it

580
00:31:57,359 --> 00:32:00,720
with alcohol and benadryl at that time, because those are

581
00:32:00,759 --> 00:32:04,640
both extenders for it. I could take less ambient if

582
00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:09,519
I took more of those things, okay, but that ran

583
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:13,400
then too, And you know, on July fourth, two thousand

584
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,519
and eight, I got to this place where I wasn't

585
00:32:17,559 --> 00:32:20,400
like sobriety. If I was sober, and I don't mean

586
00:32:20,559 --> 00:32:23,519
sober as in recovery, I mean like if I didn't

587
00:32:23,559 --> 00:32:27,799
have anything in my system, I was a shaky, in

588
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:33,880
pain mess. Just I could not be in public. And

589
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:37,880
if I were loaded, I also couldn't be in public. Right,

590
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:41,319
So that's very isolating. Those two states, and those are

591
00:32:41,319 --> 00:32:44,279
the only two states I knew at that point. And

592
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:48,519
on that date, I took everything I had, I washed

593
00:32:48,519 --> 00:32:50,839
it down with the booze that I had, and I

594
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:55,759
was still I couldn't get loaded and I didn't have

595
00:32:55,839 --> 00:32:59,440
anymore and so I was that shaky, you know, that

596
00:32:59,599 --> 00:33:03,680
excrewruciating mess. And I made the decision to go to treatment.

597
00:33:05,359 --> 00:33:09,359
So you were not separated at this point though, right,

598
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,759
or were you? I filed for divorce, but we were

599
00:33:13,759 --> 00:33:17,880
still living together, okay, Yeah, And so he sent you

600
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:22,599
to rehab. No, No, he didn't know. I told him

601
00:33:22,759 --> 00:33:25,480
after I'd made the decision to go that I was going.

602
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,599
Speaker 1: Well. I mean, he supported you, he did. He actually

603
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:33,240
flew you to rehab. Yeah, he flew me there.

604
00:33:34,519 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 3: In Wickenburg, Arizona.

605
00:33:36,599 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 1: That probably wasn't the most common thing to get flown

606
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,920
into rehab. Did you feel othered because you'd flown in

607
00:33:43,279 --> 00:33:45,480
like was? Did anybody make fun of you? They probably

608
00:33:45,519 --> 00:33:45,880
didn't know.

609
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,359
Speaker 3: They knew because I told them, and I just felt

610
00:33:49,359 --> 00:33:53,559
better than everybody. Nobody made fun of me. I mean

611
00:33:53,599 --> 00:33:56,519
they probably did behind my back, but not to my face.

612
00:33:56,559 --> 00:33:58,960
I felt like I was better than everyone there who

613
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,480
like flew commercial or drove.

614
00:34:02,839 --> 00:34:06,799
Speaker 1: So when you went to rehab, were you thinking I

615
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:08,880
just need to get all this out of my system

616
00:34:09,039 --> 00:34:11,679
and get myself like, I just know we all go

617
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,760
into rehab with different thought process. Not we all. I

618
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:16,679
didn't go to rehab, but a lot of people that

619
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:20,079
go to rehab that can go to rehab either feel

620
00:34:20,159 --> 00:34:24,039
oh my god, I'm so done, thank god, I'm totally surrendered,

621
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,760
or I just need a reset, like I need to

622
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,800
get all this out detox so that I could take

623
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:31,360
and being like a lady.

624
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:36,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, I really was thinking I just needed that break,

625
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,639
like you're saying. I did not think I had no

626
00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:44,119
intention of staying sober, none at all. But I did

627
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:47,000
have the idea that I probably needed to try to

628
00:34:47,039 --> 00:34:49,000
stay sober until my divorce was final.

629
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:49,840
Speaker 1: Okay.

630
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,159
Speaker 3: I knew that I wouldn't be able to without that

631
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:59,159
break and the assistance that would be offered there. Yeah, okay,

632
00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:02,840
so you finished rehab. There's so much to your story.

633
00:35:03,159 --> 00:35:07,840
Speaker 1: But you finish rehab, you meet a guy in rehab,

634
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:16,559
by the way, who just who just us, I'm doing

635
00:35:16,559 --> 00:35:18,880
the math? Do you want to know something? And this

636
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:21,400
won't really matter to the people that are listening to this,

637
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:25,920
But today is my sixteenth birthday? Is it really?

638
00:35:26,199 --> 00:35:28,880
Speaker 3: Yeah? Oh, Hatsie's soberversary.

639
00:35:29,119 --> 00:35:35,199
Speaker 1: So you must be seventeen in August. Okay, but you

640
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:38,840
stopped in July or that's when you made the decision.

641
00:35:39,119 --> 00:35:42,599
Speaker 3: But then I went to rehab in July. I count

642
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:46,599
my sobriety date is August fourteenth. That was the last

643
00:35:46,639 --> 00:35:50,440
day of rehab, because they detox me in there, and

644
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,760
I don't know what day. I think it was like

645
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:55,760
ten or eleven days in so I don't know exactly

646
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:59,039
what day in there I was free of drugs and alcohol.

647
00:35:59,079 --> 00:36:00,880
So I just counted as a day I left because

648
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,559
I know for sure that was that I was sober.

649
00:36:03,639 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 1: You were trying to sneak stuff into rehab, though I wasn't.

650
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:09,719
Speaker 3: Trying to sneak stuff into rehab. I was planning to

651
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,000
pick up stuff after I left. I called in a

652
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:16,920
refill to pick up on my way out to the airport.

653
00:36:17,599 --> 00:36:21,280
Speaker 1: Okay, And then now it's coming back to me. But

654
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,760
then you didn't.

655
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:27,000
Speaker 3: I did not pick it up because Scott, the man

656
00:36:27,039 --> 00:36:30,760
who interrupted us a few minutes ago, left with me.

657
00:36:31,039 --> 00:36:33,599
He and I checked in an hour apart from each other.

658
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,719
We left on the same day at the same time,

659
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:41,159
in the same car, and I had made all these arrangements,

660
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:44,280
like you know, very covertly for this rehab, because the

661
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:46,960
way you're allowed to do it is like on your

662
00:36:47,039 --> 00:36:50,039
last week, in your last week in rehab, you can

663
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:55,800
use the phone, which is a big deal, to make arrangements.

664
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,599
You can call like a therapist and set up here. Fore,

665
00:36:58,639 --> 00:37:01,400
you can call people that you want to meetings. You

666
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:06,400
can make your plane reservations, you know. I ordered a

667
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,159
car to pick me up to take me to the airport.

668
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:14,280
And during those calls, while a tech is walking around

669
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:15,960
kind of making sure we're on the up and up

670
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:20,280
and not calling our dealers, I called the pharmacy where

671
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:24,760
a refill had miraculously come through in Los Angeles and said,

672
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:28,000
can you transfer it to the one here in Wickenburg

673
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,760
because this is where I am now. So they did,

674
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,079
and then I called the Wickenberg pharmacy to make sure

675
00:37:34,079 --> 00:37:35,480
it was ready and it was.

676
00:37:36,199 --> 00:37:40,199
Speaker 1: So after all this time and your detox your brain,

677
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,800
and this is so important for especially for the people

678
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:48,000
that are listening that are not addicts, to understand is

679
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,360
with all that and all the money spent on getting

680
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,840
better your brain goes. You know it would be great,

681
00:37:54,199 --> 00:37:56,239
you know it would be such a great after rehab.

682
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,039
Treat ambient well.

683
00:37:59,079 --> 00:38:02,360
Speaker 3: And I can't go home without it. I don't know

684
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:04,719
how to be without it. Like even getting on the

685
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:08,440
plane without ambient was terrifying to me. So I was like,

686
00:38:08,519 --> 00:38:11,079
I'm going to need something in order to go home.

687
00:38:11,559 --> 00:38:13,280
You know where I am now, at the end of

688
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:16,199
a divorce with kids that I've been away from for

689
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:22,159
three for three weeks, for thirty days, going back to

690
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:26,039
the school as the parent association president starting that year,

691
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,280
you know, like I had to face all this stuff

692
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:31,920
all at the same time, and I was sure that

693
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:35,960
I could not do it without ambient positive. It was terrified.

694
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,840
Speaker 1: So but you don't, you don't take the ambient.

695
00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:44,679
Speaker 3: I don't know how to get out of the car

696
00:38:45,079 --> 00:38:49,960
without Scott realizing what I'm doing. And he's bound and

697
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,599
determined to go to Starbucks because we haven't had caffeine

698
00:38:52,639 --> 00:38:56,239
for a month. Ah, that's what he's excited about. And

699
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:58,079
he's talking to the driver and he's like, where is

700
00:38:58,079 --> 00:39:00,239
there a Starbucks? We've been dying for right, hund Like

701
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,840
we're dying, not how you didn't call me Hun then, right, Laura,

702
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:07,480
We're dying for Starbucks And I remember him talking, but

703
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,320
I didn't hear him. All I was trying to figure

704
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:13,480
out was Okay, I can say I need to jump

705
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:15,639
in and like maybe get something that he won't be

706
00:39:15,679 --> 00:39:18,679
interested in the drug store, like tampons, right, Like I

707
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,159
got to go get some tampons. But he hadn't been

708
00:39:21,159 --> 00:39:23,400
in a drug store for thirty days. I was sure

709
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,440
that he would also want to go in and get something,

710
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,920
and I just didn't know how way get the pills

711
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:32,039
in front of him. And the feeling I had when

712
00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:34,280
we drove past that drug store and got on the

713
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:40,320
highway going toward Phoenix was something I'd never experienced before.

714
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:45,320
It was beyond regret. It was it was absolute grief.

715
00:39:46,239 --> 00:39:50,320
I was leaving the thing behind that I understood to

716
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,440
be the only way I could face life, and I

717
00:39:53,519 --> 00:39:54,400
wasn't going to have it.

718
00:39:57,199 --> 00:40:03,000
Speaker 1: And then get back. And at this point, are you like, well,

719
00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:05,320
I didn't pick it up at the drug store, so

720
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,559
I guess I'm gonna have to try to go. I mean,

721
00:40:08,599 --> 00:40:11,320
because at that point you could have gone home transferred

722
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:14,159
it back to yeah, but you didn't.

723
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 3: I could have, but my divorce attorney had a whole

724
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,239
list of things for me to do, and one of

725
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:21,840
them was drug testing twice a week.

726
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:26,400
Speaker 1: This is the story I wanted to get to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, And.

727
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,719
Speaker 3: She was smart. She was just like, no one's asking

728
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,519
for this, but let's get ahead of it so that

729
00:40:31,639 --> 00:40:34,119
when we get to that point, if anyone says, well,

730
00:40:34,159 --> 00:40:37,000
we don't know if she's been sober, we have documentation

731
00:40:37,079 --> 00:40:40,039
that says yes, she has. In fact, she's been voluntarily

732
00:40:40,119 --> 00:40:43,039
drug testing for the last three months, and here is

733
00:40:43,079 --> 00:40:46,360
the proof. And I just didn't know how to beat it.

734
00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:50,039
Twice a week drug test. I thought about it, you know,

735
00:40:50,199 --> 00:40:55,239
and the information available on ambien was pretty scarce then.

736
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,559
There wasn't just wasn't that much information. There was information

737
00:40:58,599 --> 00:41:01,719
on beating other kinds of drug tests on there, but

738
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,880
not too much about ambient. And I was really I

739
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:08,159
was more scared of coming up dirty and losing my

740
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:12,079
kids than I was of going through a day shaky.

741
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,920
And I wasn't in withdrawal anymore, but I kind of

742
00:41:16,079 --> 00:41:18,880
was for like six months, Like I still had night

743
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:21,840
sweats for like six months, I still had brains apps,

744
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:25,559
you know, I still just I was very like my

745
00:41:25,599 --> 00:41:29,000
nervous system was so dysregulated for like six months.

746
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:32,119
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this, though, when you get drug tested,

747
00:41:32,199 --> 00:41:35,159
you could probably still drink, right or would it check

748
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:38,480
for that too, Like it was your ex. Your ex

749
00:41:38,559 --> 00:41:41,599
knew what you were going to rehab for. But was

750
00:41:41,639 --> 00:41:44,280
he Did you feel like, oh, he's going to look

751
00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:47,280
for a reason to try to take my kids because

752
00:41:47,519 --> 00:41:49,320
he didn't even know you were an addict of any

753
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:52,000
kind at that point until you told him.

754
00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 3: I didn't think that, but my attorney did. Okay, she

755
00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:59,119
and she knew his attorney, and she's like, even if

756
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:01,760
your X does a want to, he's going to go

757
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:04,480
for that. He's going to look through everything. He's going

758
00:42:04,519 --> 00:42:07,239
to make sure that he gets his client the best

759
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:09,960
deal out of this, which might mean trashing you and

760
00:42:10,079 --> 00:42:10,519
your reput.

761
00:42:10,639 --> 00:42:13,679
Speaker 1: So did your attorneys say you also shouldn't drink, because

762
00:42:13,679 --> 00:42:16,920
I'm assuming I probably felt like, although I do remember

763
00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:19,360
a scene in your book where you like drained all

764
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:20,360
the stuff from your bar.

765
00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:27,360
Speaker 3: I finished most of the bar, you know, like there

766
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:29,159
were a few things that I didn't like to drink,

767
00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:33,719
like gen. I never liked gen, but most of it

768
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,360
I had taken down and refilled with water to the

769
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,039
point where it was too watery, you know, so the

770
00:42:39,119 --> 00:42:42,039
alcohol wasn't all gone. But if he had poured himself

771
00:42:42,079 --> 00:42:44,079
a drink, he absolutely would have known. So I refilled

772
00:42:44,119 --> 00:42:48,840
it and stopped it so it was whole again. But

773
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,360
here's the thing. I didn't never drink if I didn't

774
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,679
have ambient. I never like how to drink during like

775
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:56,760
even when it was the worst, when I was completely

776
00:42:56,840 --> 00:43:00,320
out of ambient, I never drank in between. I didn't

777
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,840
like it and it didn't do the same thing for me.

778
00:43:03,679 --> 00:43:06,159
So yeah, I probably could have drank, but I didn't

779
00:43:06,199 --> 00:43:06,559
want to.

780
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:10,199
Speaker 1: So you went for these drug tests, and this is

781
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,840
just a good story. Can you tell me about like

782
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:17,000
you felt like this is so ridiculous You're going into

783
00:43:17,079 --> 00:43:18,280
like it's not fancy.

784
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,639
Speaker 3: It was not fancy at all. It was you know,

785
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:26,159
in between like a circus liquors and a check cashing place.

786
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:31,079
There were you know, just people hanging out outside who

787
00:43:31,119 --> 00:43:36,440
looked like they were unhoused. It was also a needle exchange,

788
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:41,000
so I would like park my range Rover in front

789
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,039
where I could see it, and then you know, try

790
00:43:44,079 --> 00:43:47,039
not to touch anything when I was inside. And the

791
00:43:47,119 --> 00:43:50,400
deal with the drug testing. Was this woman whose name

792
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:53,400
was Veronica, would have to walk back there with me

793
00:43:54,039 --> 00:43:57,880
and watch me pee into a cup. I thought I

794
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,719
just had to pee there behind a cloth stall door,

795
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,880
but no, she had to watch me do this. And

796
00:44:04,079 --> 00:44:06,159
it was the first time I couldn't even do it.

797
00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:10,440
Speaker 1: I get so pea shy, Yes, for real.

798
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:14,960
Speaker 3: It was. It was humiliating. The second time, I really

799
00:44:15,039 --> 00:44:17,639
hydrated so that I could produce something, but it was

800
00:44:17,679 --> 00:44:21,239
still really hard. And you know, we went on for

801
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:24,039
a few weeks like that, and finally we started talking

802
00:44:24,079 --> 00:44:27,000
about like the Real Housewives of Atlanta while I was peeing,

803
00:44:27,119 --> 00:44:29,840
and then we started talking about her kids while I

804
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:33,000
was peeing, and then we got to know each other

805
00:44:33,079 --> 00:44:35,920
really well. And by the time I ended, we started

806
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:39,239
in August, right when I got out of treatment. I

807
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:42,559
ended in December because that's when the mediation was. And

808
00:44:42,599 --> 00:44:45,920
by the last visit with her, you know, I had

809
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:49,679
Christmas presents for her kids, she had a present for me.

810
00:44:50,159 --> 00:44:53,079
We hugged each other and we were both crying, like

811
00:44:53,159 --> 00:44:56,800
it was this. It was this this bond, this very

812
00:44:56,880 --> 00:45:00,239
unexpected bond with the most unexpected person. She was like

813
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:04,320
all tatted up and like the tattooed eyeliner, and like

814
00:45:04,519 --> 00:45:08,280
she was just somebody that I would have kind of

815
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:11,639
rushed past if I saw her on the street and

816
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:15,119
not looked at. And then just to have this bond

817
00:45:15,119 --> 00:45:16,360
with her, it was really magical.

818
00:45:17,639 --> 00:45:20,079
Speaker 1: So you make it through, but it's only for a

819
00:45:20,079 --> 00:45:22,239
few months that you have to even do the drug

820
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:26,800
testing and then yeah, then you have the mediation. Yeah,

821
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:29,559
and you're not in danger of now losing your kids.

822
00:45:30,079 --> 00:45:30,280
Speaker 3: Right.

823
00:45:30,719 --> 00:45:34,039
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, so what I made you decide to stay?

824
00:45:34,559 --> 00:45:35,079
Stay with it?

825
00:45:37,079 --> 00:45:40,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, at that point I figured because yeah, we were divorced,

826
00:45:41,119 --> 00:45:44,280
and you know, I obviously got to stay in my

827
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:47,039
children's lives. But you know, there was a clause in

828
00:45:47,039 --> 00:45:49,519
my divorce that basically, if I was caught using or

829
00:45:49,599 --> 00:45:52,320
drinking again, he could take them and then we deal

830
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:57,599
with it later, right, Okay, which is smart. If I

831
00:45:57,679 --> 00:45:59,840
was loaded and he found that out, he should be

832
00:46:00,199 --> 00:46:03,519
to take the kids and then and then deal with

833
00:46:03,559 --> 00:46:07,480
whatever I was dealing with. It felt harsh, you know

834
00:46:07,599 --> 00:46:09,360
when it was spelled out for me at the time,

835
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:12,559
like I was being punished. I understand it better now

836
00:46:12,599 --> 00:46:15,119
and I have more compassion for the position he was in.

837
00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:19,960
But so I kind of had this clause hanging over

838
00:46:20,039 --> 00:46:24,239
my head, and so I figured a year would be

839
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:28,199
a good amount of time to stay sober, and that

840
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,960
way he wouldn't even think about me getting loaded because

841
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,280
I would have been good. I'm putting air quotes around that.

842
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:38,280
For a year, and that's what I did, and I

843
00:46:38,280 --> 00:46:41,840
didn't like it. I really hated it. Actually, I hated meetings.

844
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:44,599
I went to twelve step meetings. You know, I came

845
00:46:44,639 --> 00:46:47,400
in the back, I sat in the back. I came

846
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:49,960
in after the meeting started. I left before it was over.

847
00:46:50,079 --> 00:46:51,039
I talked to no one.

848
00:46:51,639 --> 00:46:52,360
Speaker 1: You talk to me.

849
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:54,039
Speaker 3: I talked to you.

850
00:46:54,039 --> 00:46:57,519
Speaker 1: But that was a year later, okay, almost a year later. Yeah, yeah,

851
00:46:57,519 --> 00:46:58,800
you're right, Okay.

852
00:46:58,559 --> 00:47:02,159
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah. But at first, those first few months, I

853
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:06,840
was very much dark, glasses on, arms folded. And then

854
00:47:06,880 --> 00:47:10,639
you know, I heard someone tell my story, which is

855
00:47:10,639 --> 00:47:17,559
what you hear in these things, and I guess I

856
00:47:17,679 --> 00:47:21,159
asked her to take me through these twelve steps. But

857
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:25,679
in my recollection, she offered, I don't remember exactly what happened,

858
00:47:26,360 --> 00:47:31,719
but anyway she did, and that everything I was just

859
00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:34,079
kind of like waiting for the other, like until it

860
00:47:34,119 --> 00:47:36,639
was time for me to leave, basically, and I figured

861
00:47:36,639 --> 00:47:38,440
I would know when it was time for me to leave,

862
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:43,079
but I just kept staying. And then eventually, like I

863
00:47:43,159 --> 00:47:45,440
meet you, and I meet a few other people, like

864
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,920
we have a few friends that I won't name that

865
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:53,039
I met that really allowed me to find my place

866
00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:57,119
in this and feel comfortable, more comfortable at times, and

867
00:47:57,159 --> 00:48:01,679
I felt in my world outside of this, and I

868
00:48:01,719 --> 00:48:07,159
started realizing that, you know, being honest, being authentic, not

869
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:11,039
just telling the truth, but like living truthfully was so

870
00:48:11,199 --> 00:48:13,760
much better for me than the way that I had

871
00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:17,760
been living before. And the reason I was able to

872
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:19,960
live that way was because of what I was learning

873
00:48:20,039 --> 00:48:24,480
in this program and so that and my kids, you know,

874
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:27,440
really liked who I was, not that they didn't like

875
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:30,559
who I was before, but I felt like there was

876
00:48:30,599 --> 00:48:33,360
a deeper connection with them, Like I was much more

877
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:37,519
present for them because I wasn't planning, you know, I couldn't.

878
00:48:37,519 --> 00:48:39,199
I was trying to wait till they got to sleep

879
00:48:39,239 --> 00:48:41,920
before so I could get high, or I was planning

880
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,039
how much I you know, I was strategizing all the

881
00:48:45,119 --> 00:48:49,039
time prior to that, and I wasn't strategizing anymore. I

882
00:48:49,159 --> 00:48:51,800
was just with them, and I did all the same

883
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,280
stuff you know, I joined the board of trustees, I

884
00:48:54,320 --> 00:48:57,039
helped with the galas, like I did all the same stuff,

885
00:48:57,039 --> 00:48:59,880
but I was present for it, and I really liked that.

886
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:03,960
I really liked how it made me, so I stayed.

887
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:10,079
Speaker 1: I remember, you know, when I was new and then

888
00:49:10,119 --> 00:49:12,199
I had to lead a meeting and you came up

889
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:15,519
to me afterwards. We've talked about this since, but and

890
00:49:15,639 --> 00:49:18,679
somebody had said something a little bit rude, and it

891
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,000
was a person who says something who's kind of rude

892
00:49:21,039 --> 00:49:23,400
to everyone, and you came over to me and you

893
00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:26,920
were like, don't worry about that. Like you told my story,

894
00:49:27,559 --> 00:49:30,559
I really relate to you. And then it was like

895
00:49:30,599 --> 00:49:33,199
a newcomer meeting. And then you were the first person

896
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:36,920
you asked me to help you celebrate your one year,

897
00:49:37,519 --> 00:49:41,000
and you were the first I only had. I mean

898
00:49:41,039 --> 00:49:42,920
I had a couple months, I guess at the time,

899
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:48,360
or less if I'm May and you're August. Anyway, the point, yeah,

900
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,239
the point is I had a couple months of sobriety,

901
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:52,679
and it was so exciting to me. And I remember thinking, like,

902
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:56,559
my gosh, what do you get somebody for their birthday?

903
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:58,760
And then I think I got you, like some can't

904
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:01,280
a card and like some can. And I was very

905
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:04,119
into it. I was so excited and like really honored

906
00:50:04,159 --> 00:50:07,960
to do it. But you know, we always don't realize

907
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:11,599
how much our story can like impact the next person,

908
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:16,239
which is really like what this podcast is because I

909
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:19,559
think that regardless of how you do it, and whether

910
00:50:19,679 --> 00:50:22,559
you go to a twelve step program or whether you

911
00:50:22,559 --> 00:50:24,760
you know, read a book about I don't care how

912
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:27,920
you do it. I think the thing that helps people

913
00:50:28,159 --> 00:50:32,159
is recognizing their feelings, their same feelings in somebody else's story.

914
00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:33,320
Speaker 3: Yeah.

915
00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:37,880
Speaker 1: So I'm so happy that you you shared with us.

916
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:41,639
And now it's been all these years later, you're still

917
00:50:41,679 --> 00:50:45,800
with the guy they you met in rehab, which is

918
00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:51,039
just so cute. He's the cutest and you guys work

919
00:50:51,119 --> 00:50:55,639
together and you live together, and your podcaster, are you

920
00:50:55,679 --> 00:50:58,239
still like? What? Tell us where we can find you?

921
00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:01,440
What you're doing? You have a beautiful book book? Thank you?

922
00:51:02,199 --> 00:51:05,800
Speaker 3: Yeah. So the podcast is called the only One in

923
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:08,639
the Room and it all dashed my life in hiding.

924
00:51:08,679 --> 00:51:10,639
Thank you for holding that up. Is that the hardcover?

925
00:51:11,039 --> 00:51:13,800
Speaker 1: Yeah? This is the hardcover. Yeah, this is this is

926
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:16,159
a for YouTube so they can see the book.

927
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:20,159
Speaker 3: Good, good, Yeah, the only one in the room. Of

928
00:51:20,159 --> 00:51:22,840
the podcast Dashed My Life in Hiding is the memoir.

929
00:51:24,519 --> 00:51:27,159
The memoir came out in March of twenty twenty three.

930
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:30,800
The paperback came out last year. The audible. I don't

931
00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:32,679
know if you found this with with your books. My

932
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:36,519
audiobook is going crazy, like it's doing really well. The

933
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:41,119
hardcover and the paperback sales are far less than the audio.

934
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:45,480
Oh yeah, yeah, So that's really nice to see and

935
00:51:45,639 --> 00:51:48,880
I appreciate however you read it or listen to it,

936
00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:52,920
consume it. I appreciate it. And the podcast focuses on

937
00:51:53,039 --> 00:51:55,519
anybody who's ever felt alone in a room full of people,

938
00:51:56,000 --> 00:52:00,920
whether that's sobriety or infertility or divorce, or someone with

939
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:04,280
a disability, whatever that is that might you might feel

940
00:52:04,280 --> 00:52:07,079
like you're alone. We have those stories on the podcast.

941
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:12,960
And uh yeah, and I'm on I'm my name everywhere.

942
00:52:13,079 --> 00:52:15,960
My my website is at Laura No my website is

943
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:20,519
Lauracathcart Robbins dot com. And on Instagram, I'm at Laura

944
00:52:20,599 --> 00:52:24,599
Cathcart Robbins. I'm want other platforms, but not really. I

945
00:52:24,679 --> 00:52:27,079
don't really check Facebook or x but I'm on them,

946
00:52:28,360 --> 00:52:30,360
so you know, you can find me there, but if

947
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:34,079
you want to engage with me, check out Instagram.

948
00:52:35,079 --> 00:52:39,559
Speaker 1: Okay perfect. Laurakafcart Robbins everybody, thank you again. Thank you

949
00:52:39,679 --> 00:52:43,559
for sharing your beautiful story and I adore you and

950
00:52:44,119 --> 00:52:45,320
we'll see you guys next week.

951
00:52:48,239 --> 00:53:02,599
Speaker 2: Linda Darty Times you can't be the