WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:05.240 Welcome to the Funny Kind with Erica Gummeny, bringing heart, humor, 2 00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:09.439 and hope to everyday life. Laughter and love really do 3 00:00:09.560 --> 00:00:13.439 make a difference, and Erica's here to prove it. Part 4 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:16.800 deep Dive, part stand up for the Soul, this show 5 00:00:16.839 --> 00:00:20.320 blends humor, heart and real talk to help you stop 6 00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:23.679 believing the lies that hold you back. Whether she's flying 7 00:00:23.719 --> 00:00:27.679 solo or chatting with guests, Erica brings her signature mix 8 00:00:27.879 --> 00:00:32.600 of authenticity, wit and wisdom, reminding you that growth doesn't 9 00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:36.280 have to be so serious. So pull up a chair, exhale, 10 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:40.039 and get ready to laugh, reflect, and reconnect with the 11 00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:44.759 extraordinary human you already are, because this is the Funny 12 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:48.799 Kind where humor meets healing and inspiration meets action. 13 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:59.520 Hello, everyone, thanks for being with us on well, at 14 00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:03.560 least recording. It's a hot summer day on July first, 15 00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:07.680 and it's it's a little hot outside, so I'm glad 16 00:01:07.719 --> 00:01:09.519 we're inside and air conditioning, so all I have to 17 00:01:09.560 --> 00:01:14.599 say thank God for air conditioning. So welcome to this 18 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:19.480 episode of the Funny Kind. I'm very excited to have 19 00:01:19.519 --> 00:01:23.280 this conversation with a dear friend of mine and someone 20 00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:25.959 who I know that you are going to love and 21 00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:31.000 learn from and relate to. Her name is Susan Marshall. 22 00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:33.480 I'm just going to tell you a little bit about her. 23 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:39.799 Hi, Susan, Hey Erica at the Hot Summer July first. 24 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:42.560 Yes, yes, for those of you that are watching, we're 25 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:47.640 both we're both sleeveless. Yeah, we are, which you know. Yeah, 26 00:01:47.799 --> 00:01:49.560 So let me tell you a little bit about Susan. 27 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:53.719 She is an author, a public speaker, a leadership advisor 28 00:01:54.359 --> 00:02:01.680 whose professional experience spans decades, and a global geography. Susan's 29 00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:04.239 done a lot of work in the public and private sectors, 30 00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:09.319 in nonprofit agencies, public education, and her passion is really 31 00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:15.360 to advocate for improve confidence, confidence and effective risk taking. 32 00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:18.599 I've seen Susan do a lot of different workshops and 33 00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:24.400 seen her speak, and she has a wonderful way of 34 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:30.199 exuding confidence and humility at the same time. There's not 35 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:34.159 a there's not a for lack of a better word, 36 00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:37.360 of cockiness about her that makes you go m it's 37 00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:42.479 a it's an authentic confidence that I really admire and 38 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:46.599 am inspired by. So I love how you show up, 39 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:47.199 my friend. 40 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:50.199 Thank you. Yeah. 41 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:56.319 Well. Susan is the author of four books hundreds of articles. 42 00:02:56.719 --> 00:02:59.759 I love her books, I love her articles. She writes 43 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:02.240 a little locally, she's been a guest lecturer. I mean, 44 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:05.240 we could go on and on. A few years back, 45 00:03:05.319 --> 00:03:10.120 Susan launched something called Compassion Chats, which is a really 46 00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:14.560 cool way to bring Alzheimer's and dementia care providers to 47 00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:18.560 the caregiver community and an effort to kind of dispel 48 00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:24.360 the loneliness and helplessness that often comes with the caregiving journey. So, 49 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:29.000 you knows, as we move in our careers, at one 50 00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:31.439 moment in our career, we're maybe talking about another topic, 51 00:03:32.439 --> 00:03:34.719 and then years later here we're in a different season 52 00:03:34.719 --> 00:03:39.800 of life. So, but Susan's books, and I'll give the 53 00:03:39.879 --> 00:03:42.479 link to everything that you can find her blog and 54 00:03:42.520 --> 00:03:45.719 all of her information. She just shares such a wealth 55 00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:49.439 of information at Susanmarshall dot com. So that'll be in 56 00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:53.639 the description. But Hi, Susan officially, welcome. 57 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:58.919 Hello Erica. Officially. It's wonderful to be welcomed. You know, 58 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:02.159 I was thinking about we go back so far, Yeah, 59 00:04:02.199 --> 00:04:06.680 and have shared so many things that are delightful and 60 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:10.280 frightening and very very real. 61 00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:14.759 Yeah, Susan is one of those people that when you 62 00:04:14.840 --> 00:04:18.480 see her across the room, there's a there's a connection 63 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.480 that you make that is real, and it's almost like 64 00:04:20.519 --> 00:04:22.839 we're checking in with each other. And then when we 65 00:04:22.920 --> 00:04:25.240 do sit down and have a one on one conversation, 66 00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:28.759 there is no chit chat. It is immediately deep. 67 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:34.319 And isn't that fun. There's so much titter chatter, there's 68 00:04:34.360 --> 00:04:36.600 so much noise. It's like, you know, what, what are 69 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:37.600 we talking about? 70 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:38.639 That's what are we talking about? 71 00:04:38.759 --> 00:04:40.680 Yeah? Yeah, So in. 72 00:04:40.680 --> 00:04:46.839 Today's podcast, we are talking about being free, and we 73 00:04:46.959 --> 00:04:51.319 picked that topic because it aligns with the theme of 74 00:04:51.639 --> 00:04:55.279 my book, Journey from the Ashes. You know, Shameless plug 75 00:04:56.560 --> 00:04:59.040 every month in the in the book as a different theme, 76 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:03.839 and we're walking through lies that hold us back in 77 00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:08.199 our journey from the Ashes of our pain are past 78 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:11.360 whatever might be holding us back, and so in this 79 00:05:11.480 --> 00:05:16.759 month of July, we're talking about being free. And when 80 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:20.839 I thought about that, I thought about Susan, because I 81 00:05:20.920 --> 00:05:25.079 see Susan. I see you, Susan as someone who lives. 82 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:30.759 You know, the last couple episodes, people have said be 83 00:05:30.839 --> 00:05:34.199 where your feet are. I have had two bit different 84 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:39.519 people say that, I feel like you are in your self. 85 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:43.319 You know you are just who you are, and it 86 00:05:44.279 --> 00:05:46.439 means you're having fun. It means you're playing, it means 87 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:48.560 you're serious, it means all the things that you are, 88 00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:51.040 and you are who you are, and you are free. 89 00:05:52.279 --> 00:05:54.800 When I think of free, you resonate with to me 90 00:05:55.000 --> 00:06:00.120 with that, So what does free mean to you? 91 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:03.319 You know, I love what you just said, because being 92 00:06:03.519 --> 00:06:09.199 free to me means being who you are. Now that 93 00:06:09.240 --> 00:06:13.120 can take a very long time to discover exactly who 94 00:06:13.160 --> 00:06:16.600 that is, because we're told from the time our first 95 00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:19.199 feet hit the floor and we take our very first 96 00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:24.240 tippy tippy steps, we're total we are and then we 97 00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:27.920 try to live into that expectation. Right. We talk about 98 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:33.600 expectation a lot, and I've finally, over many many years 99 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.920 and many painful episodes, and you know, many of them 100 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:42.040 came to appreciate and understand. And I don't think there's 101 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:44.480 a moment right where we're We're in church and we're 102 00:06:44.480 --> 00:06:47.920 in a service and there's a sermon, and two things 103 00:06:47.959 --> 00:06:51.319 I remember so very clearly. One is that people think 104 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:55.279 church is this holy place and the pastor who was 105 00:06:55.319 --> 00:07:01.480 speaking said, this is not celebration of what this is 106 00:07:01.560 --> 00:07:06.240 a hospital for sinners. Yeah, and I thought, yes, and 107 00:07:06.279 --> 00:07:09.480 I belong here. And then the second thing that really 108 00:07:09.480 --> 00:07:14.040 struck me is do you have any idea what it 109 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:18.160 means when you hear the words you are God's daughter? 110 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:25.920 And that blew my mind. I'm like, I know, right, 111 00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:28.759 because I know all the stuff, I know all the gunk, 112 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:32.199 I know everything that's been wrong, and I'm like, yeah, 113 00:07:32.279 --> 00:07:34.680 God doesn't have time for me, oh no, but he does. 114 00:07:35.959 --> 00:07:40.680 That Erica for me was just a almost like an 115 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:41.399 opening up. 116 00:07:42.040 --> 00:07:42.240 Wow. 117 00:07:42.759 --> 00:07:45.920 And you hear people in this world, on this planet 118 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:49.240 with us, who are every bit is broken, who are 119 00:07:49.319 --> 00:07:54.040 every bit is frightened of being exposed, who are also 120 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:58.959 God's children, And when we can relate to each other 121 00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:02.279 with a measure of comp passion with the giggles once 122 00:08:02.319 --> 00:08:06.839 in a while, right, it's like yeah, who. It is 123 00:08:06.920 --> 00:08:12.000 so freeing to understand that the people who told you 124 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:16.759 who you are or were were telling you about them, 125 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:18.600 not about you. 126 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:27.519 M wow. So freedom means free free to you and 127 00:08:27.560 --> 00:08:31.480 what that means to you. And when Susan and I 128 00:08:31.560 --> 00:08:35.440 were talking about this podcast, because we could like we 129 00:08:35.480 --> 00:08:37.399 could be here for eight hours, you know, we could 130 00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:39.879 be here till the season's change, and it gets chilly outside, 131 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:44.840 we could, but we were thinking about like a lot 132 00:08:44.840 --> 00:08:46.919 of in a lot of spaces, and like coaching and 133 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:50.320 things like that. There's talk of your future self and 134 00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:56.000 imagining visualizing yourself in a new place, where you want 135 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:58.639 to be, where your goals are, where you've achieved whatever. 136 00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:03.120 And we thought, wouldn't it be fun if we in 137 00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:07.720 the current Erica and Susan place go talk back to 138 00:09:07.799 --> 00:09:11.679 the old Erica and the old Susan. You know, twelve 139 00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:17.879 versions of ourselves ago, right, what would we tell them 140 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:19.759 when it comes to freedom? 141 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:25.320 You know, the very first word Erica that came to 142 00:09:25.399 --> 00:09:27.120 my mind just now, and I don't remember if we 143 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:33.120 talked about this is relax. Relax. You don't have to 144 00:09:33.159 --> 00:09:35.919 be there in thirty five seconds. You don't have to 145 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:39.720 respond every time somebody asks you a question. You don't 146 00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:42.480 have to be angry or upset because people are demanding 147 00:09:42.519 --> 00:09:45.200 things of you you don't want to do. Relax. 148 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:53.559 You get to choose ooh, relax. You know, I look 149 00:09:53.600 --> 00:09:56.240 back at when I talk to little Erica, who I've 150 00:09:56.399 --> 00:09:59.000 had a lot of conversations with writing this book and 151 00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:02.080 doing a lot of the work that happens in your 152 00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:05.360 older age when your kids are grown, and you kind 153 00:10:05.399 --> 00:10:11.120 of go okay, right, Reset, yeah, Reset, what's going on? 154 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:16.279 And I look at her and I feel relaxed. I 155 00:10:16.279 --> 00:10:22.399 hear what you're saying, and I feel you know this 156 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:27.840 this constant. I don't like, we are not experiments to 157 00:10:27.879 --> 00:10:32.159 be proven right or wrong. And so I always felt 158 00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:37.399 like I had to prove myself or reach some goal, reach, 159 00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:45.559 do be busy, do to prove that I am worthy 160 00:10:45.720 --> 00:10:49.000 and wanted. And a lot of the things in the 161 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:52.320 book are things this is for me, you know, worthy, wanted, 162 00:10:52.440 --> 00:10:57.720 loved enough, right and free, love, Sorry enough? 163 00:10:58.080 --> 00:10:59.759 What is it? Says? 164 00:10:59.799 --> 00:11:06.120 Who? Oh, oh my gosh, yes, so yes, probably Susan's 165 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:09.960 next book or keynote or teeth, shirts or sticker or something, 166 00:11:10.799 --> 00:11:14.840 says who tell us more about that? So, just to 167 00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:17.200 finish my thought, I was just gonna say that what 168 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:22.000 I would tell little Erica is that you are enough, 169 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:25.879 like you're saying, and you are God's daughter like you said, 170 00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:30.159 and honey, you are, Oh my goodness, look at you 171 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:33.960 just the way you are. Look at your hazel eyes. 172 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:36.840 Look at your squinty little hazel eyes. Look at your 173 00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:39.320 strawberry belond here. Look at how you make people laugh. 174 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:42.320 Look at you. Look at what a connector you are 175 00:11:42.360 --> 00:11:44.200 of people. Look at how well you take care of 176 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:47.639 those people. Look at you, Like my pastor always says, 177 00:11:47.639 --> 00:11:51.279 look at you, look at that. He's so sweet, and 178 00:11:51.320 --> 00:11:55.519 it's like, oh, you know, we're so turned hard on ourselves. 179 00:11:55.919 --> 00:11:56.600 Yeah we are. 180 00:11:57.440 --> 00:12:03.120 Oh, so let's talk about this. Who says? I love 181 00:12:03.159 --> 00:12:04.919 it because I'm like, that's what she said. That's a 182 00:12:04.919 --> 00:12:06.879 different that's a different tone, right. 183 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:10.399 Right, right, No, the who says comes from, as we 184 00:12:10.440 --> 00:12:13.919 talk the other day, expectations from the time we come 185 00:12:13.960 --> 00:12:16.679 out of the womb. There are expectations placed on us 186 00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:18.840 by our parents. When are you going to take your 187 00:12:18.840 --> 00:12:20.879 first step? When are you going to say your first word? 188 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:22.480 When are you going to eat your first solids? When 189 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:23.720 are you going to be potty trained? 190 00:12:23.799 --> 00:12:23.960 Right? 191 00:12:24.240 --> 00:12:26.200 When are you going to learn to When I said 192 00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:27.960 clean up your room, You're going to go clean up 193 00:12:27.960 --> 00:12:30.720 your room? Right. Then we go to school and we 194 00:12:30.840 --> 00:12:33.120 have teachers, and we have coaches, And if we go 195 00:12:33.159 --> 00:12:35.879 to church, we have ministers and we have you know, 196 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:39.559 leaders in the church. Then we have coaches. Perhaps if 197 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:43.399 we're in sports, then we have bosses. Then we have corporations, 198 00:12:43.399 --> 00:12:47.000 then we have society, and then we have social media. 199 00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:53.720 Oh oh man. And so when I hear probably the 200 00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:57.399 most adamant demands placed on me, and it's always a 201 00:12:57.480 --> 00:13:01.720 work as you know, it says who, Yeah, it says 202 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:05.000 who who. It's like, you know, one, we're two. You're 203 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:05.840 not the boss of me. 204 00:13:06.639 --> 00:13:08.600 Yeah yeah. 205 00:13:08.799 --> 00:13:12.720 Nobody is the boss of us except the one who 206 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:13.360 made us. 207 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:17.840 Oh. I'm thinking of a talk that I did recently 208 00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:20.960 called who do you Think You Are? And I had 209 00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:23.919 a mirror up on the stage with different colored post 210 00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:27.039 it notes, and just like you're saying, like, this is 211 00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:29.080 all the people, all these things that people have told me, 212 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:32.919 and it covers up the mirror so much that I 213 00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:37.639 can't even see myself anymore, right, and this stage of 214 00:13:37.720 --> 00:13:40.960 life that we're in, or whatever is happening in your 215 00:13:40.960 --> 00:13:43.080 life that you might be listening right now where you're like, 216 00:13:44.039 --> 00:13:47.960 something's got to give here, man. And now I'm like 217 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:49.600 looking at all these post it notes and I'm like, 218 00:13:49.639 --> 00:13:52.639 what is this? Throw that out? 219 00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:53.320 What is this? 220 00:13:53.480 --> 00:13:55.759 And And now once I've kind of cleaned it up 221 00:13:55.799 --> 00:13:59.639 and I can see myself now, you don't dare be 222 00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:03.440 put no post it notes on my mirror unless you 223 00:14:03.519 --> 00:14:05.480 go through God and me first. 224 00:14:05.480 --> 00:14:08.679 Right, well, and I think there's a there's sort of 225 00:14:08.679 --> 00:14:11.759 an enigma buried in that because as long as there 226 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:14.919 are posting notes covering the mirror, I don't have to 227 00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:19.120 see what I really look like you. I can just 228 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:22.960 be who I am. And I think if women generally, 229 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:24.879 and this was in my book of Beauty and Substance, 230 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:28.159 if you got away from the mirror and got out 231 00:14:28.200 --> 00:14:30.960 into the world, you'd be a much happier human. 232 00:14:32.919 --> 00:14:37.360 Oh too much self focus and. 233 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:42.000 It's encouraged and it is It goes back to that 234 00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:45.000 word enough. If you don't look quite like this, if 235 00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:48.720 you have this wrinkle bag, sag, gray, heir, whatever that is, 236 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:54.440 then you're not enough. You know that's not right. You 237 00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:59.639 are somehow deficient. And if we as efficient, however we 238 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:04.840 find deficient or we're taught to be deficient. Yeah, that's 239 00:15:04.840 --> 00:15:07.799 when I get stubborn. Now, I say, he says, who's who? 240 00:15:08.159 --> 00:15:10.879 You know what? I reject that I become Now. I 241 00:15:10.919 --> 00:15:13.720 don't reject it just because I'm rebellious and I am. 242 00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:17.080 I reject it because that is your definition of b 243 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:23.759 which does not sit well, which does not accurately describe, 244 00:15:23.919 --> 00:15:28.879 and it's not true. It's just not true. 245 00:15:29.159 --> 00:15:32.559 Yeah, and that had to have required a lot of 246 00:15:32.639 --> 00:15:39.360 work to pull that back and dig into what you 247 00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:44.039 what was it holding you in bondage? Let's say that 248 00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:46.600 you weren't even aware of. Can you think of an example. 249 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:48.879 I'm just throwing this, I mean, Joe. 250 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:52.200 You know it's it's kind of a funny thing to say, 251 00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:54.240 but when I was in eighth grade, my mother sewed 252 00:15:54.279 --> 00:15:56.879 a lot of her clothes, which was a source of 253 00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:00.879 tremendous embarrassment to us, right, particularly in grade school. Well, 254 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:05.120 she saw in my eighth grade graduation dress, which was hideous, 255 00:16:05.320 --> 00:16:09.000 but it's what she wanted, not what I wanted. So 256 00:16:09.399 --> 00:16:12.320 and she had these little cuffs right that she was 257 00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:16.720 making and she's like, oh, Susie, you're getting so fat. 258 00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:20.720 That stayed with me my entire life. Oh and I thought, 259 00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:23.799 you know, adolescent. I mean, I'm watching my granddaughters now 260 00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:29.080 beautiful young women. Adolescence, puberty, Yes, you gain weight, your 261 00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:33.879 your body is developed, it's blossoming. And that was completely 262 00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:41.200 destroyed for me. And I carried that definition for years. Hmm. 263 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:45.679 And it's so silly, but it was so damaged. I mean, 264 00:16:45.879 --> 00:16:47.480 you and I have talked about this over the years. 265 00:16:47.720 --> 00:16:50.759 The things you hear as a child, you have no 266 00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:55.000 means of there's no benchmark for them. So you hear them, 267 00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:57.399 you say, well, that must be true because this person 268 00:16:57.720 --> 00:17:01.200 who I'm dependent on from anything. Oh yeah, it must 269 00:17:01.240 --> 00:17:06.279 be true. Yes, yeah, how how do you? How did 270 00:17:06.519 --> 00:17:08.559 so we're going back to talk to our old, our 271 00:17:08.599 --> 00:17:11.920 old susan. Yeah I heard that. Yeah. 272 00:17:12.039 --> 00:17:15.400 Other than saying that's not true, don't listen to that. 273 00:17:16.839 --> 00:17:17.359 How do you? 274 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:19.400 How do you come? 275 00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:22.400 How do you It's almost like I'm thinking of Harry 276 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:26.240 Potter when when Dumbledore takes out that memory and pulls 277 00:17:26.279 --> 00:17:28.079 it out. How do you? 278 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:28.480 How do you? 279 00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:30.839 How did you find a way to freedom from that? 280 00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:33.759 Well? It's interesting because it was not easy and it 281 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:36.319 was not linear, and it took many, many, many, many years. 282 00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:43.960 I was a comfort food eater, potato chips, bring them baby. 283 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:47.519 I loved to bake. So when I babysat there was 284 00:17:47.559 --> 00:17:49.960 one family. It's so funny. We're thinking about this now 285 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:52.160 because it's mortifying as I think about it now, But 286 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:55.960 it's funny. She was a baker. And so the kids 287 00:17:55.960 --> 00:17:57.680 will go to bed and I go through all the cupboards. 288 00:17:57.720 --> 00:17:59.799 What did she make ooh these bars, and I would 289 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:04.000 just anything I can get in my mouth was my comfort, 290 00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:08.680 which of course made the problem worse. But I didn't 291 00:18:08.720 --> 00:18:14.759 know how to deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the judgment, 292 00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:18.400 all that felt like. And so I ate, and I 293 00:18:18.440 --> 00:18:20.599 still do, by the way, But you know, I work out, 294 00:18:20.680 --> 00:18:24.720 So it's all good. But we, as I said, when 295 00:18:24.759 --> 00:18:27.799 we're children and we hear things that are so discordant 296 00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:30.559 from how we see our own selves, and we have 297 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:36.200 no means of even understanding it, Yeah, we can't cope. 298 00:18:37.079 --> 00:18:39.039 And so I think, as we talked the other day, 299 00:18:39.079 --> 00:18:42.079 there's there are these episodes and even whole chapters of 300 00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:45.400 our lives that are very difficult, that are very dark, 301 00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:50.960 that are so discouraging, and they are all necessary on 302 00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:55.519 the journey to freedom. Oh yes, And I just got 303 00:18:55.599 --> 00:18:59.559 sick of being, you know, a chunkster. I just got 304 00:18:59.640 --> 00:19:02.960 sick of it. I'm like, okay, well what do I 305 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:06.519 do instead? And I find different found different ways. What 306 00:19:06.599 --> 00:19:09.880 I what I have learned repeatedly over the years, Erica, 307 00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:13.599 is if I can be curious about something I get 308 00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:16.559 outside of me, that's very very helpful. 309 00:19:16.920 --> 00:19:19.559 Oh, I really love that. If you can get curious 310 00:19:19.599 --> 00:19:24.559 about something you step outside of yourself. Yeah, and and 311 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:27.079 don't you think And I think this is why the 312 00:19:27.160 --> 00:19:32.480 journey from the Ashes book and the long process that 313 00:19:32.480 --> 00:19:34.359 that took me. And it's not like, oh the book 314 00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:36.640 is over, I'm free, I'm fixed. 315 00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:39.079 No good luck for that. 316 00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:42.000 Yeah, if i'd be, i'd be we'd be sitting at 317 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.319 a beach having this conversation if that was tough, because 318 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:48.559 I'd be making billions. But what what it taught me 319 00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:55.119 is and I've been sober from alcohol for just over 320 00:19:55.240 --> 00:19:59.680 two years since the day my sister passed away. Wasn't 321 00:19:59.720 --> 00:20:03.839 inten to be a sober journey or anything. That wasn't 322 00:20:03.880 --> 00:20:07.680 like you know, rock Bottom or anything like that. It 323 00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:10.319 was just we were having a lot of trauma that 324 00:20:10.440 --> 00:20:13.480 came out of nowhere. It was very traumatic for our family, 325 00:20:13.599 --> 00:20:15.480 and I knew that I needed to be really crystal 326 00:20:15.519 --> 00:20:20.799 clear to go through that and through that experience. And 327 00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:24.319 the book was already being written and working on and 328 00:20:24.359 --> 00:20:28.079 things like that. But it when you talk about like 329 00:20:28.119 --> 00:20:30.680 the coping mechanisms that we do, it's almost like how 330 00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:33.519 those post it notes covered up the mirror. The coping 331 00:20:33.640 --> 00:20:36.720 makes it blurry. So I can't see myself. 332 00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:40.400 Absolutely true, and I was there's some comfort in that 333 00:20:42.000 --> 00:20:44.799 I can't see the real me until I am ready. 334 00:20:46.440 --> 00:20:49.920 Oh that's such an iterative. I'm ready today, I'm not ready. 335 00:20:50.079 --> 00:20:51.839 An hour later, I'm not ready. No, no, put the 336 00:20:51.880 --> 00:20:54.559 post is back. It's just it is messy. 337 00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:58.200 Yeah, it is messy, and like you said, it's not linear. 338 00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:01.440 And I think I just I wrote about this today 339 00:21:01.680 --> 00:21:04.119 that a friend of mine wrote a song for me. 340 00:21:04.720 --> 00:21:07.559 She's a songwriter. She's an award winning songwriter. She's so cool. 341 00:21:07.640 --> 00:21:09.960 She's a dear friend of mine and a breaker of 342 00:21:10.039 --> 00:21:12.480 change for women, chains for women. She does this really 343 00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:16.319 cool thing called when Stories and has women from talk 344 00:21:16.519 --> 00:21:20.359 and it's usually something very intense. She's amazing. And she 345 00:21:20.359 --> 00:21:22.799 wrote the song. It's called coming Home to You, Come 346 00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:25.880 Home to You. I'll send it to you and put 347 00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:29.880 it in the description. But in the beginning of the scene, 348 00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:31.960 I made a video to go with her song, with 349 00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:35.279 all these different images, and I found a hot air balloon. 350 00:21:35.880 --> 00:21:36.319 Yeah. 351 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:41.680 Because the sand bags is the stuff that I think 352 00:21:41.720 --> 00:21:44.839 about most often. I focus a lot of my time 353 00:21:45.640 --> 00:21:48.839 on the sand bags in my life. And why did 354 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:51.160 they say that to me? Why did that happen to me? 355 00:21:51.559 --> 00:21:54.880 Why did those terrible things happen? We spent so much 356 00:21:54.920 --> 00:22:00.960 time feeling sorry for ourselves, feeling like victims being You know, 357 00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:04.839 the book is not called Journey Staring at the Ashes, right, 358 00:22:05.400 --> 00:22:10.240 But you had said something that really resonates is that 359 00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:13.960 curiosity to be like, isn't that interesting that I feel 360 00:22:13.960 --> 00:22:15.880 that way? And I know my therapist taught me about that, 361 00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:19.359 but it's like, once you look at it, it loses 362 00:22:19.559 --> 00:22:23.440 its power over you. Like you clean a little part 363 00:22:23.480 --> 00:22:26.000 of the mirror and you're like, well, that wasn't so bad. Oh, 364 00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:27.920 look what I learned because of that? All right? 365 00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:33.960 Yep, you know it's interesting. Speaking of nonlinear I had 366 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.519 an extraordinary opportunity, I don't know, five or six years 367 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:40.400 ago to go to Brunei and work with a global 368 00:22:40.440 --> 00:22:44.240 team through the University of Michigan. And it was wonderful 369 00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:48.799 and it was awful and it was so different than 370 00:22:48.839 --> 00:22:51.440 anything I had done. It was a ten day trip 371 00:22:51.480 --> 00:22:53.920 and I came home and I said, I'm not going back. 372 00:22:55.079 --> 00:22:57.599 I don't care about their kids. I care about our kids, right. 373 00:22:57.720 --> 00:22:59.359 I don't want to be on coaching calls at one 374 00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:04.559 o'clock in the morning. But I was so for some reason, 375 00:23:04.720 --> 00:23:08.079 it brought everything that I had been told about me 376 00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:11.799 that was deficient. It brought it front and center. And 377 00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:15.119 I remember one Friday night sitting I went to a 378 00:23:15.160 --> 00:23:18.279 friend in University of Wisconsin Madison. I said, how do 379 00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:22.079 I travel internationally? She said, Get an antidiarrhea pill. Get 380 00:23:22.079 --> 00:23:23.640 a sleeping pill. When you get on the plane in 381 00:23:23.720 --> 00:23:27.359 Newark to Singapore, take a sleeping pill. Don't eat anything, 382 00:23:27.400 --> 00:23:30.279 don't drink anything. Left I'm like, okay, Well, get on 383 00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:32.559 the plane in Newark and you're greeted at would you 384 00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:34.880 like a glass of wine? Yes? Or this champagne? Yes? 385 00:23:34.920 --> 00:23:37.559 I would. Would you like some mixed nuts so that, yes, 386 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:39.319 I would. Would you like dinner, yes I would. Would 387 00:23:39.359 --> 00:23:41.119 you like wine with dinner, Yes I would. So I'm 388 00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:44.319 having my own little party. Right. Fabulous all of that, 389 00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:47.279 and it was fine. The way back was not the same. 390 00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:50.480 But after I got back, for whatever reason, I found 391 00:23:50.559 --> 00:23:54.079 myself in one of the darkest tunnels I had ever 392 00:23:54.160 --> 00:23:58.599 experienced to that time, and the sleeping pill that I 393 00:23:58.680 --> 00:24:02.920 was given was lazop. Now, my next door neighbors said, 394 00:24:02.920 --> 00:24:04.839 that's not a sleeping pill. I take two every morning 395 00:24:04.880 --> 00:24:06.559 before I go to work. I'm like, okay, I don't 396 00:24:06.599 --> 00:24:09.880 have that kind of tolerance anyway. I had probably twenty 397 00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:13.279 their teeny tiny little things, twenty and I had a 398 00:24:13.279 --> 00:24:15.519 glass of shardin eye and I sat there for twenty 399 00:24:15.559 --> 00:24:19.160 minutes Erica and thought, you know what, these are so tiny? 400 00:24:19.319 --> 00:24:24.720 This finish that wine. I'm done. Wow, I'm done. I'm gone. 401 00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:28.000