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<v Speaker 1>Well, well, well, welcome back, bestie. Is it is mother?

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<v Speaker 1>I am here in a beautiful day in New York City,

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<v Speaker 1>and I am joined by one of my friends who

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<v Speaker 1>you guys, we've had her on the pod before and

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<v Speaker 1>you loved her a lot, and I'm so excited that

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<v Speaker 1>she's back. Please enjoy this episode with my dear friend

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<v Speaker 1>Ali Colbert. Thanks for coming, Thanks for having me back.

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<v Speaker 1>I went to the doctor this morning, a doctor, a

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<v Speaker 1>Chinese doctor. Oh that's the cup, a Chinese medicine doctor.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow, he gave me cupping. And he was just did

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<v Speaker 1>he give you that peace sign? The peace sign?

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<v Speaker 2>Is that a tattoo? Oh, that's a tottoo you got

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<v Speaker 2>you got lasered.

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<v Speaker 1>R it's a tattoo. I'm removing.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, that's right. It's the same purple of the cups.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh so I was confused.

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<v Speaker 1>For a second.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>He was trying to be like, be more peaceful, because

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<v Speaker 1>I know I'm not peaceful.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And You're like, well, this doesn't resonate with me anymore.

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<v Speaker 2>I should take this off my body. You're like, this

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<v Speaker 2>isn't landing. I don't feel peaceful.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm just a good tattoos. I feel like you're

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<v Speaker 1>getting into like a tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>And we're getting into a tattoo. I was gonna get

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<v Speaker 2>one last night because at my friend's birthday party there

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<v Speaker 2>was like a tattoo guy and I was waiting to

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<v Speaker 2>get one. And I had had like seven tequilas, so

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<v Speaker 2>it was like, this makes sense.

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<v Speaker 1>Seven tequilas. That's kind of crazy for you.

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<v Speaker 2>I've been like fucked up for like a year and

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<v Speaker 2>a half and I love that. Like drinking wise, like

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, I'm fine, but like I definitely have been drinking.

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<v Speaker 2>Like the part of me that doesn't drink is retired,

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<v Speaker 2>right right, Okay, Like I'm drinking.

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<v Speaker 1>I remember you got into it last year, but I didn't.

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<v Speaker 1>I thought you got out of it for some reason.

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<v Speaker 2>I go through periods. Yeah, but like like I'm so

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<v Speaker 2>summer in New York, Like it's just like so fun

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<v Speaker 2>to be drunk.

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<v Speaker 1>And trust me, you're ready to reloud.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I I know. I And also for some reason,

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<v Speaker 2>like tequila soda, I have less of a hangover than wine.

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<v Speaker 1>M Yeah, my drink before I retired was Cosamigos blanco

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<v Speaker 1>on the rocks, three lines totally and no hangover.

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<v Speaker 2>It's beautiful, right, I can have like twelve Yeah, I

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<v Speaker 2>was doing Costetragones light soda water lime, and like I

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<v Speaker 2>was just not getna hungover.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because soda waters water, so you're basically drinking water.

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<v Speaker 2>Also basically water, and like if you're out for hours,

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<v Speaker 2>like it's like I'm hungover throughout the party. Do you

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<v Speaker 2>know what I mean by the time I wake up,

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<v Speaker 2>I was drunk two days ago, right, So I mean anyway,

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<v Speaker 2>there was a guy who was doing tattoos and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I'll get a tattoo, and then the line

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<v Speaker 2>just was way too long.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so we should get a tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>I would love to.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna get a tiny little tattoo. I'm gonna get

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<v Speaker 1>tiny tattoos. No more big ones I had, like some

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<v Speaker 1>big ones.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't Yeah, I don't, wouldn't do that.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I know these are like trashy.

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<v Speaker 2>What is that one?

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<v Speaker 1>The peacock?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, I've never seen that.

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<v Speaker 1>You've never seen the peacock.

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<v Speaker 2>That's insane.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you know what the story? Hangout have to show

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<v Speaker 1>everyone the peacock byther? Okay, there, what the fuck is that?

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<v Speaker 1>Why do you have that? Okay, thank you so much.

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<v Speaker 1>For your inquiry. I was in my like peak alcoholism.

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<v Speaker 1>I lived in Venice Beach on the boardwalk, okay, and

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<v Speaker 1>every time I would get hammered, I would go get

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<v Speaker 1>a tattoo. I got six of my twelve times.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't have more tattoos. You were a huge drunk.

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<v Speaker 1>I know I have a lot of tattoos that I've removed, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>but anyway, I would go get hammered and get tattoos.

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<v Speaker 1>But this I went on a date with this guy

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<v Speaker 1>at the sidewalk cafe and I didn't like him, and

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, thinking of boys. I was such a

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<v Speaker 1>people pleaser. I couldn't I couldn't just say hey, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not enjoying this, you need to go home.

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<v Speaker 2>You had to get a tattoo with him.

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<v Speaker 1>No, listen, I was I made in my drunk brain.

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<v Speaker 1>I made it up and I was like, oh, this

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<v Speaker 1>is fool proof. I was like, oh my god, I

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<v Speaker 1>forgot I have a six hour tattoo appointment. I have

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<v Speaker 1>to go.

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<v Speaker 3>Is that true? No?

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<v Speaker 1>In my brain, I was like, I'm a genius. And

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<v Speaker 1>then I and I knew if I walked over to

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<v Speaker 1>the tattoo shop at House of Ink, those guys would

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<v Speaker 1>have my back because I did.

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<v Speaker 2>Not have your back tattoos.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, no, but I was like I walked in, I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, remember my tattoo appointment for a really long

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<v Speaker 1>tattoo and they were like oh. The guy was like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh yeah, the peacock feather on your rib cage and

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<v Speaker 1>I was like yeah, and then I laid down for

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<v Speaker 1>a four and a half hour tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>But you, I thought it was I thought it was

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<v Speaker 2>an excuse to get out of the date.

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<v Speaker 1>It was, but then he just came with me and then.

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<v Speaker 2>You decided to actually get the tattoo.

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<v Speaker 1>Well yeah, because it was right across the street from

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<v Speaker 1>the bar that we were already hat. So he's like,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll walk you over there, and he watched like did.

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<v Speaker 2>You sleep with him? No? This is worse than this

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<v Speaker 2>is so brutal.

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<v Speaker 1>It was horrible because I have now the trashiest tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I've never seen that tattoo. It's so weird because

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<v Speaker 2>like I feel like I've seen you in like a

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<v Speaker 2>bikini and stuff. But no, yeah, no, are you gonna

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<v Speaker 2>get that removed? I can't because it's green and they

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<v Speaker 2>can't remove green ink. Why it would take like ten

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<v Speaker 2>times longer to remove, and this is so pain this

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<v Speaker 2>is crazy. And removing I can't remove green ink.

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<v Speaker 1>It takes like twice as long, and oh it is

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<v Speaker 1>so painful. Removing tattoos is literally like I wish when

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<v Speaker 1>I was getting my tattoos someone made me feel how

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<v Speaker 1>painful it was to remove it first, because it's literally

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<v Speaker 1>like I'd rather have a going through my earth. I

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<v Speaker 1>have no idea. The laser is just really.

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<v Speaker 2>Why don't they numb you like anything else, like a

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<v Speaker 2>face laser? Well, because it can.

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<v Speaker 1>Numbing is always topical, right, it can only do so much.

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<v Speaker 2>Wow, that sucks.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so now I have this time.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, who cares?

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<v Speaker 1>But like I know, the guy stayed the whole entire time. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>and then at the end of the night, I was like, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>now you have to go home, and he was like,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm too drunk to drive. I have to stay over.

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<v Speaker 2>No, and he stayed in my bed with me, and

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, don't this. I would rather fuck this

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<v Speaker 2>guy than done anything you did. You had a platonic

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<v Speaker 2>sleepover and got a permanent tattoo. Just fuck him. At

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<v Speaker 2>this point, that would have taken less time and been

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<v Speaker 2>less painful and less damaging.

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<v Speaker 1>And trust me, I know. I don't even remember the

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<v Speaker 1>guy's name. I just know I have He was like

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<v Speaker 1>a club promoter. It was a dark it was a

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<v Speaker 1>dark moment.

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<v Speaker 2>It's not good, It's really bad.

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<v Speaker 1>So anyway, wow is that wild? Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>Wild? I feel like once you get one tattoo, like

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<v Speaker 2>they all kind of like start to mean nothing, do

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<v Speaker 2>you know what I mean?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, they just don't have to mean anything. The first

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<v Speaker 1>one I got was the one on my wrist, this

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<v Speaker 1>infinity symbol, and I got it. I was did you

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<v Speaker 1>get that removed? Because it's disgusting, and also I got.

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<v Speaker 2>It infinity symbol. I was gonna maybe get it last.

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<v Speaker 1>Night, great and get a small one.

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<v Speaker 2>This one was like that, it's like the death eater

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<v Speaker 2>symbol from the dark.

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<v Speaker 3>What is that?

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<v Speaker 1>The dark mark the Dark? Like, no, it's so basically

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<v Speaker 1>it's my best friend at the time, I was moving

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<v Speaker 1>to LA and she was like, we have to get

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<v Speaker 1>tattoos to like symbolize like our friendship is forever. And

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<v Speaker 1>I was like totally. I went first, yeah and got this,

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<v Speaker 1>and then right when I was done, I was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>that was like way heavier and uglier. Than I thought

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<v Speaker 1>it was gonna be.

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<v Speaker 2>But you don't see because they do a mark on

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<v Speaker 2>you first.

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<v Speaker 1>I know. I just was kind of in the zone.

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<v Speaker 2>Are you drunk? Yeah, in the zone, I mean drunk zone.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>No.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I looked at it and I'm like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>that's no good.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Did she get one too, Nope?

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<v Speaker 1>She backed out afterwards. She was like, She's like, I

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<v Speaker 1>don't think I want that, and now we're not friends. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>So every time I get I'm getting it done. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>just like, god, I hate that bitch so much.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, are you still getting it like removed

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<v Speaker 2>or it's gone.

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<v Speaker 1>No, it's not gone. It's kind of gone, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>not gone. Yeah, it needs like one more session.

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<v Speaker 2>I was dating a girl and I got I tattooed

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<v Speaker 2>the word mine and my hammay to her ass.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh.

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<v Speaker 2>And she was like, now you get it, and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like no. I was like, we're not going to

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<v Speaker 2>be together. No, we obviously broke up.

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<v Speaker 1>But how long after the tattoo did you break up?

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<v Speaker 2>Maybe like six months?

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<v Speaker 1>Okay?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>No, I Like, she was like, why don't you get it?

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, I'm not doing that.

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<v Speaker 1>I just know.

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<v Speaker 2>I know I got another excess name. Done with that.

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<v Speaker 2>I think I told you the story I got with that,

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<v Speaker 2>like ink that's meant to go away, yeah, which is

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<v Speaker 2>basically like my attachment style. Totally, this is gonna be

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<v Speaker 2>get them all.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm all in right now, I'm.

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<v Speaker 2>Fully in, right out. No, but like I got this tattoo,

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<v Speaker 2>and then I when we broke up, I started dating

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<v Speaker 2>someone new and I she was like, I can't like

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<v Speaker 2>come if I see that on your arm. And I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, okay, I'll go get it laser off. So

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<v Speaker 2>I went, and I'm like, you can't come because you're

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<v Speaker 2>a liar. So I went to to get it lasered off,

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<v Speaker 2>and they said that they can't laser that type of ink.

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<v Speaker 2>It sets it even more permanently. So it's like these

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<v Speaker 2>semi permanent tattoos end up being like the most permanent.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean it's mostly definitely gone. Now you could still

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<v Speaker 2>see this kind of a scar almost, Yeah, it looks

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<v Speaker 2>like a scar.

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<v Speaker 1>Did you get a laser.

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<v Speaker 3>Such that shion?

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<v Speaker 2>No? Oh, they said you can't.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah. That was like a trend for a minute,

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<v Speaker 1>and then everyone realized those tattoos were like actually permanent.

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<v Speaker 2>No, they were permanent My sister got like four hideous

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<v Speaker 2>tattoos that will not go away. She has like a

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<v Speaker 2>lawn chair on her like side. It's really bad.

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<v Speaker 1>I almost got a slice of pizza on my arm.

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<v Speaker 2>That's awful. It's probably worse than the peacock. Why would

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<v Speaker 2>you get a slice of pizza?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, because it was disappearing and I thought it was fun.

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<v Speaker 2>But is that funny? It's not cute.

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<v Speaker 1>It's nothing like a slice of pepperoni pizza. It's a

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<v Speaker 1>cool tattoo.

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<v Speaker 2>No, it's not. Well, you didn't get it because it's

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00:09:16.960 --> 00:09:19.840
<v Speaker 2>not ultimately like you're going to defend the tattoo you

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<v Speaker 2>didn't get as cool that you didn't get because it

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<v Speaker 2>wasn't cool.

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<v Speaker 1>No, it is cool, and I wanted it.

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<v Speaker 2>Why a pepperoni pizza?

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<v Speaker 3>I don't know.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh god, Brittany, these are really bad choices.

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00:09:30.120 --> 00:09:33.080
<v Speaker 1>And yeah, I need people. I need people to know

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<v Speaker 1>what's going on up here.

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<v Speaker 2>Pizza. Yeah, you love that?

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00:09:38.799 --> 00:09:39.039
<v Speaker 1>Love?

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00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:41.080
<v Speaker 2>You love Italian food? I love yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Oh my gosh, Okay, I'm gonna pull one of

247
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<v Speaker 1>these cards. Okay, I'm so excited. Really, when do you

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<v Speaker 1>feel most like yourself? No?

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, that's so gay. You're right, Okay, hit us get.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay?

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<v Speaker 4>Sorry, so all right, never mind, this game is not

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00:10:01.240 --> 00:10:05.080
<v Speaker 4>going to be fun really because they're like cheesy and

253
00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:07.200
<v Speaker 4>they're cheesy. Yeah, well I knew that was going to

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<v Speaker 4>be the case.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you for being understanding of my blank.

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00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:20.080
<v Speaker 2>Mental illness is of me? Me saying thank you for

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<v Speaker 2>being understanding of my blank? Is that what it's saying?

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you for being understanding?

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00:10:25.480 --> 00:10:34.799
<v Speaker 2>You would feel no, obviously, what would you say for me?

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00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:35.120
<v Speaker 1>Mental?

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00:10:35.639 --> 00:10:39.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? We have the same mental Yeah, mental illness.

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00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:44.600
<v Speaker 1>I really should I see you try. I feel like

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00:10:44.600 --> 00:10:45.559
<v Speaker 1>we need to do couples.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, these are so fucking gay. I know, no, these

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00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:53.039
<v Speaker 2>are awful. We can't do that. It's like, when how

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<v Speaker 2>do you celebrate stupid?

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00:10:55.480 --> 00:10:58.559
<v Speaker 1>Oh? This one? Have I ever betrayed your trust in

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<v Speaker 1>any big or small way?

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00:11:04.240 --> 00:11:07.360
<v Speaker 2>You haven't betrayed my trust. You've just made like slight,

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<v Speaker 2>small decisions that have confused me.

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00:11:10.200 --> 00:11:12.360
<v Speaker 1>Okay, yeah, tell me which ones I mean?

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<v Speaker 2>I was just thinking about recently.

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00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:16.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

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<v Speaker 2>I thought it was weird that I introduced you to

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<v Speaker 2>a really good friend of mine and then I found

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<v Speaker 2>out through him that you were like staying in his

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<v Speaker 2>house without telling me. Yeah, that was just more so,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't I didn't feel betrayed. I felt surprised, confused, confused.

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00:11:32.480 --> 00:11:34.200
<v Speaker 2>I was just like, that's weird because we were talking

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<v Speaker 2>during that time and you failed to mention, yeah that

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00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:41.320
<v Speaker 2>you stayed with it. But in my defense, which is

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<v Speaker 2>thank you for being there for mental in my defense.

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00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:50.279
<v Speaker 1>My defense, now I've been that no health fire, acid

284
00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:51.960
<v Speaker 1>bath of a breakup that I was in the middle of.

285
00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:54.440
<v Speaker 1>I think it would have been different in my defense

286
00:11:54.519 --> 00:11:56.879
<v Speaker 1>because I'm going to defend myself obviously.

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00:11:56.440 --> 00:11:59.679
<v Speaker 2>Okay, don't do that, Sure, defend yourself.

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00:11:59.840 --> 00:12:01.200
<v Speaker 1>I think it would have been way different if he

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00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:04.759
<v Speaker 1>was there, don't you think.

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00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:06.639
<v Speaker 2>Well, if he was there and you didn't tell me,

291
00:12:07.080 --> 00:12:09.639
<v Speaker 2>that wouldn't have happened because I talked to him so

292
00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:12.320
<v Speaker 2>much that he would have like been I would have

293
00:12:12.320 --> 00:12:14.000
<v Speaker 2>spoken to him and I would have like seen you

294
00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.679
<v Speaker 2>in the background face like that would have been also

295
00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:19.960
<v Speaker 2>really weird, also very strange.

296
00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:21.840
<v Speaker 1>That would that would have been insane, That would have

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00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:23.639
<v Speaker 1>been you guys were fucking Yeah, that would have been

298
00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:24.279
<v Speaker 1>I'm not telling you.

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00:12:24.279 --> 00:12:28.039
<v Speaker 2>I would like you're telling me something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

300
00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:30.919
<v Speaker 2>I mean no, but I haven't felt betrayed by you. No,

301
00:12:31.080 --> 00:12:34.080
<v Speaker 2>have you feel betrayed by me? Betrayed is the trade

302
00:12:34.159 --> 00:12:37.039
<v Speaker 2>is a very word like we have ship like anyone else,

303
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:41.440
<v Speaker 2>but like, no, not betrayed, like I don't feel but

304
00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:42.679
<v Speaker 2>trade is like backstabbing.

305
00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:44.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, betrayed Yeah, yeah.

306
00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:47.039
<v Speaker 2>It's like intent. It feels like malicious in a way

307
00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:48.840
<v Speaker 2>that like you and I I feel are more like

308
00:12:49.320 --> 00:12:54.039
<v Speaker 2>clumsy yeah, and are like oops oops or that hur oops.

309
00:12:55.720 --> 00:12:57.399
<v Speaker 1>When I when I saw you were in LA and

310
00:12:57.440 --> 00:12:58.720
<v Speaker 1>I was like, can we hang out? Did you turn

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00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:02.639
<v Speaker 1>your location off? I didn't respond to me.

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00:13:02.720 --> 00:13:06.600
<v Speaker 2>Is that I did that? I'm shutting my location right now.

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00:13:06.919 --> 00:13:09.000
<v Speaker 2>I don't want anyone to have it. It's stressing me out.

314
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:11.039
<v Speaker 1>I get it, turn it off right. I feel like

315
00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:13.200
<v Speaker 1>you have to be able to be shady, like it's

316
00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:14.519
<v Speaker 1>very important.

317
00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:17.519
<v Speaker 2>Really breaking my heart. But I can't just like be shisty.

318
00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:20.720
<v Speaker 1>No, I told you, Apple came out with a feature

319
00:13:20.759 --> 00:13:21.679
<v Speaker 1>for you.

320
00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:25.200
<v Speaker 2>So many people sent me that you can congrats, bitch.

321
00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:29.440
<v Speaker 2>I was like, it's because I'm too lean, I'm too

322
00:13:29.480 --> 00:13:32.200
<v Speaker 2>generous with my location. Okay, And by the way, I

323
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.159
<v Speaker 2>did have it off for a while. That wasn't just

324
00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:36.200
<v Speaker 2>off for you. I did have it off because similarly,

325
00:13:36.279 --> 00:13:38.559
<v Speaker 2>I was going through a period I was being shady totally,

326
00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:41.159
<v Speaker 2>and then during those periods, I shut it and I say,

327
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:44.000
<v Speaker 2>it's bad for my iPhone battery, bad for my and

328
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:50.360
<v Speaker 2>I googled that it's integrity. It does, it does dream battery? Yes,

329
00:13:50.360 --> 00:13:50.600
<v Speaker 2>it does.

330
00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:51.279
<v Speaker 1>It actually doesn't.

331
00:13:51.320 --> 00:13:52.519
<v Speaker 2>I googled it.

332
00:13:52.600 --> 00:13:55.279
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, when you gave me that excuse, I was like,

333
00:13:55.440 --> 00:13:56.399
<v Speaker 1>is she cast light?

334
00:13:56.600 --> 00:13:56.759
<v Speaker 2>No?

335
00:13:56.919 --> 00:13:58.200
<v Speaker 1>It does, No, it doesn't.

336
00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:01.240
<v Speaker 2>Is sharing your location with a ton of friends bad

337
00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:11.320
<v Speaker 2>for your iPhone battery?

338
00:14:10.279 --> 00:14:10.320
<v Speaker 3>No?

339
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:15.440
<v Speaker 1>I told you. And why do people say that because

340
00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:18.480
<v Speaker 1>they're liars, Like, yeah, have grown drain. I don't know.

341
00:14:18.600 --> 00:14:21.000
<v Speaker 2>I just like you really have to. But the other

342
00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:23.039
<v Speaker 2>thing is like you have to share your location with

343
00:14:23.080 --> 00:14:27.840
<v Speaker 2>people that like have no expectations of you. Yeah, I don't,

344
00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:30.080
<v Speaker 2>and then it's fun, But I don't really have any

345
00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:32.320
<v Speaker 2>expectations with you. Like, think about the text you sent

346
00:14:32.360 --> 00:14:35.240
<v Speaker 2>me two nights ago, Hey you're al assuming? Was I

347
00:14:35.320 --> 00:14:37.559
<v Speaker 2>know I'm not leaving my house assuming you're not? I

348
00:14:37.559 --> 00:14:39.919
<v Speaker 2>see you're out like something something that was full like yeah,

349
00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:41.600
<v Speaker 2>we both think not like I don't know, I don't

350
00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:43.240
<v Speaker 2>really feel like we're gonna get in trouble with each other.

351
00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:46.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. No, I also like, I love people who cancel plans,

352
00:14:46.679 --> 00:14:48.840
<v Speaker 1>and there's no one that cancels plans more than you.

353
00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:49.679
<v Speaker 2>No, it's not true.

354
00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:52.039
<v Speaker 1>Oh it's so true. Really, I can always count on

355
00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:55.240
<v Speaker 1>you to cancel plan. Are you unfortunate? Because plans with

356
00:14:55.279 --> 00:14:56.519
<v Speaker 1>you are ones that usually look forward to?

357
00:14:56.600 --> 00:14:56.759
<v Speaker 3>Wait?

358
00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:59.480
<v Speaker 2>Are you serious? Do you think I cancel? Ali, I

359
00:14:59.480 --> 00:14:59.919
<v Speaker 2>didn't know that.

360
00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:03.399
<v Speaker 1>It's your whole personality is not showing up? Is your whole?

361
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:04.519
<v Speaker 2>Are you serious?

362
00:15:04.600 --> 00:15:05.399
<v Speaker 1>I'm dead? Seriously.

363
00:15:05.399 --> 00:15:06.320
<v Speaker 2>Wait, I'm shocked.

364
00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:08.879
<v Speaker 1>Are you actually yes? Do you have any idea who

365
00:15:08.919 --> 00:15:10.080
<v Speaker 1>you are?

366
00:15:09.559 --> 00:15:09.600
<v Speaker 3>No?

367
00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:14.320
<v Speaker 2>No, But I actually think more than I cancel plans.

368
00:15:14.360 --> 00:15:17.120
<v Speaker 2>I actually think that you like to make plans and

369
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:20.320
<v Speaker 2>I don't. Okay, I like to just play everything by

370
00:15:20.399 --> 00:15:23.840
<v Speaker 2>your See, I don't identify as somebody who likes to

371
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:25.600
<v Speaker 2>make You're always trying to make plans, and I'm always

372
00:15:25.639 --> 00:15:26.399
<v Speaker 2>like I can't plan.

373
00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:28.559
<v Speaker 1>Maybe I'm trying to just hang out.

374
00:15:28.679 --> 00:15:30.720
<v Speaker 2>Okay, and maybe maybe I'm having a problem.

375
00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:32.519
<v Speaker 1>I need like a little something on my calendar so

376
00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:33.919
<v Speaker 1>I don't yeat myself.

377
00:15:34.159 --> 00:15:36.399
<v Speaker 2>No, I get that, But for some reason, when I.

378
00:15:36.279 --> 00:15:38.720
<v Speaker 1>Can't kill myself, I'm having crossots with Alliott the more.

379
00:15:38.679 --> 00:15:43.120
<v Speaker 2>Totally for some reason, plans sometimes I feel like like

380
00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:47.480
<v Speaker 2>take away from me planning how to yat myself, you

381
00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:49.960
<v Speaker 2>know what I mean? Like I sometimes I go quite

382
00:15:49.960 --> 00:15:53.720
<v Speaker 2>insular when I'm depressed, right, Like I actually my friend

383
00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:55.399
<v Speaker 2>was talking to me about this the other day where

384
00:15:55.399 --> 00:15:57.360
<v Speaker 2>he was like, when you're depressed, He's like, you like

385
00:15:57.399 --> 00:16:00.480
<v Speaker 2>refuse to like socialize, Yes, when it is one thing

386
00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:03.080
<v Speaker 2>that will help me, and I like really go quiet.

387
00:16:03.320 --> 00:16:05.720
<v Speaker 1>It's so much. I really relate to that though, because

388
00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:08.200
<v Speaker 1>I had that moment like it was such a weird

389
00:16:08.320 --> 00:16:10.240
<v Speaker 1>time to move to New York when like the city

390
00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:12.000
<v Speaker 1>has never I thought, I'm gonna come to New York.

391
00:16:12.039 --> 00:16:14.840
<v Speaker 1>Everyone's miserably here. I'm gonna fit right in. Yeah, the

392
00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:17.320
<v Speaker 1>city has never been happier. The Knicks won the finals

393
00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:19.399
<v Speaker 1>and it was like raw and I was just inside,

394
00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:21.919
<v Speaker 1>like I fucking hate everything.

395
00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:25.279
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's really hard to not be like medicated here. Yeah,

396
00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:26.480
<v Speaker 2>you want to self medicate?

397
00:16:26.919 --> 00:16:29.879
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and also I want to self We all want

398
00:16:29.879 --> 00:16:33.000
<v Speaker 1>to self medicate, I think. But then when we do,

399
00:16:33.200 --> 00:16:35.960
<v Speaker 1>we go do we have the edibles? And then you

400
00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:38.919
<v Speaker 1>we should talk about that. We need to talk about

401
00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:43.480
<v Speaker 1>should you start me all start, Okay, I'll start. So

402
00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:48.559
<v Speaker 1>we had these edibles. Yeah, they're two and a half milligrams.

403
00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:52.080
<v Speaker 1>Nothing to teach, nothing, nothing that doesn't even make me

404
00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:52.759
<v Speaker 1>skip a beat.

405
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:55.240
<v Speaker 2>Usually I take five milligram edibles all.

406
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:57.080
<v Speaker 1>The time, all the time. And you still feel nothing nothing?

407
00:16:57.240 --> 00:16:58.000
<v Speaker 2>No, I feel high.

408
00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:01.559
<v Speaker 1>Well, okay, fine, but like functional function all you. I

409
00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:04.519
<v Speaker 1>don't know what happened. They're called eating, They're called eating edibles.

410
00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:05.079
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

411
00:17:05.240 --> 00:17:09.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we went to Sugarfish and I this.

412
00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:11.359
<v Speaker 2>Is your welcome to New York dinner, your first Friday

413
00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:11.920
<v Speaker 2>night in New York.

414
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:13.880
<v Speaker 1>Yes, first you yelled at me for saying that Daniels

415
00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:15.799
<v Speaker 1>had made me cry outside of Sugarfish.

416
00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:18.559
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I didn't yell you. Well, I was actually very nice.

417
00:17:18.599 --> 00:17:19.480
<v Speaker 1>You came in pretty hot.

418
00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:20.759
<v Speaker 2>Well, I was like, what's wrong with you?

419
00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:25.279
<v Speaker 1>I was moments away from crying, like my life you did?

420
00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:28.039
<v Speaker 1>I know? No, I know, Okay. When you walked up

421
00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:29.799
<v Speaker 1>though it being the first thing you said, I was

422
00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:30.200
<v Speaker 1>just like.

423
00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:33.799
<v Speaker 2>I can't, like you couldn't handle confrontations by a thread

424
00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:36.319
<v Speaker 2>right now? Yeah? Like, and I wish that thread was

425
00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:37.440
<v Speaker 2>a noose literally.

426
00:17:39.319 --> 00:17:41.039
<v Speaker 1>But we sit down for dinner and we start having

427
00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:42.480
<v Speaker 1>a conversation and I'm like.

428
00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:44.559
<v Speaker 2>Well, we take the Edibles. We took the Edibles and

429
00:17:44.599 --> 00:17:46.319
<v Speaker 2>because we just said took it.

430
00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:47.319
<v Speaker 1>On an empty stomach.

431
00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:50.039
<v Speaker 2>No, but just say we took the Edibles once before

432
00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:52.599
<v Speaker 2>and we got ripper and high. But it was but

433
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:55.200
<v Speaker 2>it was fun. It was so cracking up.

434
00:17:55.279 --> 00:17:56.200
<v Speaker 1>We were having the best time.

435
00:17:56.680 --> 00:17:58.519
<v Speaker 2>We thought let's do it again because we weren't drinking.

436
00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:00.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I thought, let's do another like rip roar and

437
00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:01.440
<v Speaker 1>fun night.

438
00:18:01.599 --> 00:18:01.839
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

439
00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:04.640
<v Speaker 1>Okay, boy, oh boy, is that not what was in story.

440
00:18:04.759 --> 00:18:07.079
<v Speaker 1>That's not what happened. I am talking to you about

441
00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:10.279
<v Speaker 1>something that's important to me, and I see you start

442
00:18:10.319 --> 00:18:11.000
<v Speaker 1>to leave your.

443
00:18:10.839 --> 00:18:13.279
<v Speaker 2>Body, like, yeah, I started to glaze.

444
00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:15.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you started to glaze. And then you also were like,

445
00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:17.799
<v Speaker 1>I'm trying so hard to pay attention to you right now,

446
00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:19.960
<v Speaker 1>but I can't. So you need to chill.

447
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:23.720
<v Speaker 2>I was starting to leave my body.

448
00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:25.880
<v Speaker 1>And it's important to note ale so that you did

449
00:18:25.880 --> 00:18:29.599
<v Speaker 1>go to my psychic friend earlier that day, Drew McClean.

450
00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:31.319
<v Speaker 2>That scared me as well.

451
00:18:31.640 --> 00:18:34.880
<v Speaker 1>That's why you had the melt down. I don't know, Allie.

452
00:18:34.920 --> 00:18:37.119
<v Speaker 1>Do we need to play the tapes? No, because the

453
00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:38.640
<v Speaker 1>whole entire meltballe Well.

454
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:42.640
<v Speaker 2>I saw psychic and I was really like, it was

455
00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:45.880
<v Speaker 2>just a lot. It wasn't like a like it didn't

456
00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:47.240
<v Speaker 2>feel like he sugarcoat thing.

457
00:18:47.319 --> 00:18:48.440
<v Speaker 1>He doesn't knowic thing.

458
00:18:48.519 --> 00:18:51.240
<v Speaker 2>So that was a little bit upsetting, right, And I

459
00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:53.319
<v Speaker 2>was a little thrown by certain things, which I'm fine

460
00:18:53.319 --> 00:18:55.920
<v Speaker 2>with now. And then I started to get high, and

461
00:18:55.960 --> 00:18:58.680
<v Speaker 2>I started to get really paranoid. And I have truly

462
00:18:58.759 --> 00:19:01.759
<v Speaker 2>have been really high, maybe like hi to the point

463
00:19:01.759 --> 00:19:04.759
<v Speaker 2>that I'm like panicking, only really once maybe before that

464
00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:09.000
<v Speaker 2>I remember, And this was the worst high of my life.

465
00:19:09.039 --> 00:19:11.039
<v Speaker 2>And I mean I said, we have to leave the restaurant.

466
00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:15.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we did. We leave the restaurant, and you started

467
00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:17.799
<v Speaker 1>then immediately calling all of your family members because I

468
00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:20.119
<v Speaker 1>was not comforting because you were filming.

469
00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:25.119
<v Speaker 2>Me, and I was I started to panic. I was walking,

470
00:19:25.559 --> 00:19:27.279
<v Speaker 2>I mean, we're blocks from my apartment. I had to

471
00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:30.240
<v Speaker 2>put it into maps. I like put my head between

472
00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:32.759
<v Speaker 2>my knees. I was like I was holding your arm

473
00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:35.160
<v Speaker 2>like this, Like I was like I'm gonna faint or something. Yeah,

474
00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:37.079
<v Speaker 2>I just needed to get home so that I can

475
00:19:37.160 --> 00:19:40.640
<v Speaker 2>like lie down. There was something very overwhelming about being

476
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:42.599
<v Speaker 2>out in the world. And then I was like he

477
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:43.839
<v Speaker 2>told me I was gonna have a fight with one

478
00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:45.240
<v Speaker 2>of my friends. I was like, replaying, what am I

479
00:19:45.279 --> 00:19:47.960
<v Speaker 2>gonna say? That's gonna make us fight? And I was

480
00:19:48.000 --> 00:19:50.720
<v Speaker 2>just like I felt really stuck. And while I was

481
00:19:50.759 --> 00:19:54.160
<v Speaker 2>panicking so much, I called my sisters, my parents, everyone. Yeah,

482
00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:56.119
<v Speaker 2>and you were right there and I was hysterical. Crime.

483
00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:58.480
<v Speaker 1>You were hysterical yea. And you were just welcome to

484
00:19:58.480 --> 00:19:58.839
<v Speaker 1>New York.

485
00:20:00.039 --> 00:20:02.519
<v Speaker 2>We're at It was really intense.

486
00:20:02.920 --> 00:20:05.319
<v Speaker 1>It was a lot. And then I got a Sundays

487
00:20:06.119 --> 00:20:08.119
<v Speaker 1>oh yeah. And then we watched The Knicks with.

488
00:20:08.359 --> 00:20:10.079
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and I took a clonipin.

489
00:20:10.319 --> 00:20:10.759
<v Speaker 1>Oh you did?

490
00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:13.319
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, Sammy said I could because I was like

491
00:20:13.799 --> 00:20:15.880
<v Speaker 2>really anxious. I was like having a panic attack. Yeah,

492
00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:17.240
<v Speaker 2>I mean I was sobbing.

493
00:20:17.720 --> 00:20:19.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. We also just wanted a clonipin.

494
00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:23.799
<v Speaker 2>I also wanted that was really that was really scary.

495
00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:25.079
<v Speaker 2>That was not a fun high.

496
00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:29.279
<v Speaker 1>No for you, It would have been fine for me

497
00:20:29.319 --> 00:20:29.880
<v Speaker 1>because I didn't.

498
00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:32.000
<v Speaker 2>You were like, hey, I'm not high anymore.

499
00:20:32.279 --> 00:20:35.039
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I like, and I gave right down.

500
00:20:35.039 --> 00:20:37.240
<v Speaker 2>There's something else in those edibles. I think I must

501
00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:39.200
<v Speaker 2>have had like an allergy too. I know that my

502
00:20:39.240 --> 00:20:41.000
<v Speaker 2>mom was laughing at me saying an allergy, but like

503
00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:45.240
<v Speaker 2>I had some like hyper sensitive reaction. Clearly it wasn't

504
00:20:45.279 --> 00:20:46.680
<v Speaker 2>faking it. That was psycho of me.

505
00:20:46.839 --> 00:20:49.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, no, that was That would have been crazy.

506
00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:51.640
<v Speaker 2>That was like really really drama.

507
00:20:51.799 --> 00:20:54.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so high drama, high drama.

508
00:20:54.920 --> 00:20:56.359
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but wow it was Sugarfish good.

509
00:20:56.640 --> 00:20:58.559
<v Speaker 1>Sugarfish is so good? I should we go get it

510
00:20:58.559 --> 00:21:00.640
<v Speaker 1>after this? Yeah, I'm hungry. Oh my god.

511
00:21:00.799 --> 00:21:03.400
<v Speaker 2>See, Like, for example, that Sugarfish thing, is that a plan?

512
00:21:05.319 --> 00:21:06.920
<v Speaker 2>Because I told this girl i'd meet up with her?

513
00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:09.200
<v Speaker 2>What girl, I'm not going to say her name on

514
00:21:09.240 --> 00:21:13.240
<v Speaker 2>the podcast. A ryo girl. Oh like Sugarfish just now?

515
00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:15.480
<v Speaker 1>Oh you and I Yeah, no, that's not a plan.

516
00:21:15.759 --> 00:21:17.960
<v Speaker 2>Oh, because I'm then I'm like, then I understand why

517
00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:19.000
<v Speaker 2>you think I cancel plans.

518
00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:21.319
<v Speaker 1>Are you saying that right when the camera stops, you're

519
00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:22.640
<v Speaker 1>gonna tell me you don't want to go to Sugarfish?

520
00:21:22.759 --> 00:21:24.759
<v Speaker 2>No, it depends if depending on the time. So I'm

521
00:21:24.759 --> 00:21:26.839
<v Speaker 2>trying to hear this out on the air. Oh, I'm

522
00:21:26.839 --> 00:21:28.279
<v Speaker 2>trying to have a conversation with you now on the

523
00:21:28.279 --> 00:21:29.839
<v Speaker 2>air about is this happening in real time that I

524
00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:30.799
<v Speaker 2>make a plan and cancel it?

525
00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:37.079
<v Speaker 1>But isn't this this is technically playing it by ear because.

526
00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:38.960
<v Speaker 2>We're in Oh yeah, I'm fine with that, but I

527
00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:40.680
<v Speaker 2>didn't know my whole personality is canceling.

528
00:21:40.839 --> 00:21:43.160
<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, you cancel a lot, really a lot.

529
00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:44.960
<v Speaker 2>And by the way, you just t in LA and

530
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:48.640
<v Speaker 2>I shut my location and didn't answer. Yeah, that's criminal,

531
00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:49.640
<v Speaker 2>h that's violent.

532
00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:51.720
<v Speaker 1>No, I know, I thought we were over. You did.

533
00:21:51.880 --> 00:21:54.359
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you thought we were gonna did. I act like

534
00:21:54.359 --> 00:21:56.039
<v Speaker 2>nothing was wrong because I probably thought nothing was wrong.

535
00:21:56.720 --> 00:21:58.519
<v Speaker 1>I was like, hey, I see your like, can we

536
00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:58.920
<v Speaker 1>hang out?

537
00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:00.720
<v Speaker 2>I was probably there for twelve hours, and I was like,

538
00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:01.279
<v Speaker 2>I can't.

539
00:22:01.400 --> 00:22:03.680
<v Speaker 1>You were doing some shady shit. You shut your location

540
00:22:03.799 --> 00:22:06.000
<v Speaker 1>off and you said nothing.

541
00:22:06.799 --> 00:22:07.960
<v Speaker 2>Because I couldn't hang out.

542
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:11.319
<v Speaker 1>No, I know, but and I was just like it

543
00:22:11.400 --> 00:22:15.519
<v Speaker 1>was leave me alone, so upset.

544
00:22:16.200 --> 00:22:20.480
<v Speaker 2>I can't. Like, if I could have would, I would

545
00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:21.680
<v Speaker 2>have texted you already.

546
00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:25.440
<v Speaker 1>Growth is realizing that blank you.

547
00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:25.880
<v Speaker 3>Don't like it.

548
00:22:26.039 --> 00:22:28.960
<v Speaker 2>I mean that nothing matters, that we're gonna die. I

549
00:22:29.079 --> 00:22:33.279
<v Speaker 2>just like, you know, a part of me feels I

550
00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:36.599
<v Speaker 2>was thinking about this last night because I went on

551
00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:40.680
<v Speaker 2>a date with someone and then she's like followed up

552
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:42.960
<v Speaker 2>with me a few times, and I haven't and I

553
00:22:43.000 --> 00:22:44.880
<v Speaker 2>was like, I don't really feel that I owe her

554
00:22:45.559 --> 00:22:49.759
<v Speaker 2>after one date like anything. And I was like, you know,

555
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:51.839
<v Speaker 2>kind of letting myself off the hook, like why do

556
00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:53.559
<v Speaker 2>I owe someone something after one date?

557
00:22:53.640 --> 00:22:55.359
<v Speaker 1>How many times did she follow up?

558
00:22:56.319 --> 00:23:00.000
<v Speaker 2>She texted me twice in a row, replied, just story

559
00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:01.039
<v Speaker 2>and FaceTime me.

560
00:23:02.519 --> 00:23:03.240
<v Speaker 1>Call the police.

561
00:23:03.799 --> 00:23:05.480
<v Speaker 2>That's what I'm saying, though it's like too intense. I

562
00:23:05.480 --> 00:23:07.119
<v Speaker 2>gots like it's one day.

563
00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:09.079
<v Speaker 1>It's only us that can be that crazy.

564
00:23:09.279 --> 00:23:13.799
<v Speaker 2>No, but like we choose good marks. Yeah, because we're

565
00:23:13.839 --> 00:23:17.400
<v Speaker 2>being crazy for a reason. Mmmmm, it's with intent, don't

566
00:23:17.400 --> 00:23:19.559
<v Speaker 2>you think we're picking up on something Like I'm usually

567
00:23:19.559 --> 00:23:21.480
<v Speaker 2>crazy to someone who like, at least at some point

568
00:23:21.559 --> 00:23:25.000
<v Speaker 2>matches my crazy, right, and then it becomes intermittent, which

569
00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:26.039
<v Speaker 2>is what drives me crazy.

570
00:23:26.119 --> 00:23:26.279
<v Speaker 3>Right.

571
00:23:26.759 --> 00:23:30.119
<v Speaker 2>I don't feel that I would just completely not read

572
00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:33.599
<v Speaker 2>the room and totally love bomb someone who doesn't meet

573
00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:35.039
<v Speaker 2>me at all? Do you?

574
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:36.599
<v Speaker 1>Of course I would?

575
00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:39.319
<v Speaker 2>No, you wouldn't, No, you wouldn't. Yes, I have I

576
00:23:39.480 --> 00:23:42.839
<v Speaker 2>have what you've like, love bombed someone who's not interested

577
00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:45.519
<v Speaker 2>in you at all totally who or don't say? Who

578
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:49.160
<v Speaker 2>would explain the scenario you already know? No, you didn't

579
00:23:49.200 --> 00:23:49.880
<v Speaker 2>love bomb him.

580
00:23:50.480 --> 00:23:52.559
<v Speaker 1>Which one are you talking about?

581
00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:55.480
<v Speaker 2>Who are you thinking of? No, I just all the

582
00:23:55.480 --> 00:23:58.519
<v Speaker 2>people that I'm thinking of that you've quote unquote love bombed.

583
00:23:58.240 --> 00:23:59.759
<v Speaker 1>The one that I would psychoed to. And I kept

584
00:23:59.799 --> 00:24:01.079
<v Speaker 1>said him like.

585
00:24:02.599 --> 00:24:06.920
<v Speaker 2>Well that's really bad. That was Oh my god, Okay,

586
00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:10.279
<v Speaker 2>that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was like a f

587
00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:12.759
<v Speaker 2>like that was like a one time thing. Though it's

588
00:24:12.759 --> 00:24:15.359
<v Speaker 2>not like a pattern. You would do that a lot.

589
00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:16.720
<v Speaker 1>No, No, I'm.

590
00:24:16.599 --> 00:24:19.279
<v Speaker 2>Just saying no, okay, that was very strange. That was

591
00:24:19.400 --> 00:24:19.839
<v Speaker 2>the fever.

592
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.039
<v Speaker 1>The fever, the fever. That was the fever.

593
00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:25.720
<v Speaker 2>That was intense, not ever.

594
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:28.200
<v Speaker 1>I mean I have said news. It happened back to

595
00:24:28.240 --> 00:24:29.799
<v Speaker 1>back that people don't reply to.

596
00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:31.680
<v Speaker 2>My No, I don't do that.

597
00:24:31.839 --> 00:24:33.079
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to answer this question.

598
00:24:33.200 --> 00:24:35.799
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I wouldn't do that. What is this book you're reading?

599
00:24:36.279 --> 00:24:36.440
<v Speaker 3>Oh?

600
00:24:36.440 --> 00:24:37.079
<v Speaker 1>The pivot here?

601
00:24:37.400 --> 00:24:39.000
<v Speaker 2>Why are you reading that? What's the pivot here? Oh

602
00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:40.359
<v Speaker 2>my god, you're spilling water all over your thing.

603
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:45.160
<v Speaker 1>This episode of Talking Schmidt is brought to you by

604
00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:47.799
<v Speaker 1>Berber Hair Oil. You guys, you can see my hair

605
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606
00:24:50.680 --> 00:24:53.799
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607
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608
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609
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610
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611
00:25:06.519 --> 00:25:09.559
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612
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613
00:25:11.880 --> 00:25:13.799
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614
00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:15.960
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615
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616
00:25:19.960 --> 00:25:22.440
<v Speaker 2>Okay, okay, So the pivot here?

617
00:25:23.160 --> 00:25:24.359
<v Speaker 1>Oh pivot?

618
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:25.000
<v Speaker 2>What's that?

619
00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:28.799
<v Speaker 1>It's it's a book of meditations. Oops, I'm not a

620
00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:32.599
<v Speaker 1>camera for like every single day of a year that

621
00:25:32.599 --> 00:25:33.759
<v Speaker 1>you're trying to make change.

622
00:25:34.039 --> 00:25:35.279
<v Speaker 2>You're trying to make change right now?

623
00:25:36.200 --> 00:25:39.160
<v Speaker 1>Girl? What are you trying to change everything? I'm a mess, I.

624
00:25:39.160 --> 00:25:41.559
<v Speaker 2>Know, but what what are you trying to change?

625
00:25:41.880 --> 00:25:44.240
<v Speaker 1>Who I am? At my core?

626
00:25:44.599 --> 00:25:45.440
<v Speaker 2>No?

627
00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:50.680
<v Speaker 1>No, no, I want my career like my Uh day

628
00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:52.240
<v Speaker 1>fifty seven is the day I'm on.

629
00:25:52.599 --> 00:25:53.720
<v Speaker 2>It's a meditation today?

630
00:25:53.880 --> 00:25:55.920
<v Speaker 1>Uh huh? Okay, this one is If you have a

631
00:25:55.960 --> 00:25:58.319
<v Speaker 1>heart that's healing, what you need to remember is that

632
00:25:58.359 --> 00:26:01.519
<v Speaker 1>there's more to life than romantic love. There are equal joys,

633
00:26:01.559 --> 00:26:04.319
<v Speaker 1>There are other worthwhile pursuits. Even if romantic love is

634
00:26:04.359 --> 00:26:06.640
<v Speaker 1>an element of your life, it's not the only thing

635
00:26:06.799 --> 00:26:07.480
<v Speaker 1>life is about.

636
00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:08.160
<v Speaker 2>It's true.

637
00:26:08.599 --> 00:26:11.240
<v Speaker 1>It may be that the fabric of our society hinges

638
00:26:11.279 --> 00:26:14.400
<v Speaker 1>on you believing that matrimony and reproduction are the end

639
00:26:14.440 --> 00:26:17.039
<v Speaker 1>all be all, the highest high, the only thing truly

640
00:26:17.079 --> 00:26:19.799
<v Speaker 1>worth living for. It may be well intentioned people who

641
00:26:19.880 --> 00:26:22.440
<v Speaker 1>do not want you to experience what they themselves fear.

642
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:25.920
<v Speaker 1>But romantic love does not excuse you from the inner work.

643
00:26:27.039 --> 00:26:29.640
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean I have fallen to that a lot

644
00:26:30.160 --> 00:26:33.599
<v Speaker 2>of feeling that romantic love is the only thing worth

645
00:26:33.720 --> 00:26:36.519
<v Speaker 2>pursuing anything for. And my friend Max always says to me,

646
00:26:36.519 --> 00:26:38.200
<v Speaker 2>he says, like, thirty thirty thirty, it's like you have

647
00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:40.440
<v Speaker 2>to do romantic love your friend's work.

648
00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:41.960
<v Speaker 1>Oh that's good.

649
00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:46.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I I always put romantic love on a

650
00:26:46.200 --> 00:26:48.839
<v Speaker 2>pedestal because I grew up closeted.

651
00:26:49.240 --> 00:26:52.799
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so I was just like longing. Yeah. Well, and

652
00:26:53.079 --> 00:26:57.559
<v Speaker 1>romantic love, when it's reciprocated, is the best drug for

653
00:26:57.720 --> 00:26:58.680
<v Speaker 1>us for shurets.

654
00:26:58.880 --> 00:27:00.039
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean I don't.

655
00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:02.640
<v Speaker 1>Think it's just for us. I think it's literally for everyone. Yeah,

656
00:27:02.680 --> 00:27:03.640
<v Speaker 1>falling in love is the best.

657
00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:04.880
<v Speaker 2>Falling in love is amazing.

658
00:27:05.680 --> 00:27:07.559
<v Speaker 1>And then figuring out who the fuck they actually are.

659
00:27:09.880 --> 00:27:12.079
<v Speaker 2>Falling in love and that is great. Then getting to

660
00:27:12.119 --> 00:27:12.599
<v Speaker 2>know them.

661
00:27:12.480 --> 00:27:14.960
<v Speaker 1>Sucks, figure out who they actually are.

662
00:27:15.079 --> 00:27:15.279
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

663
00:27:15.279 --> 00:27:17.880
<v Speaker 2>Someone posted a really funny video on I Forget who

664
00:27:17.880 --> 00:27:19.359
<v Speaker 2>it was, where it was like, if you want someone

665
00:27:19.400 --> 00:27:20.400
<v Speaker 2>to fall in love with you and you go on

666
00:27:20.440 --> 00:27:23.680
<v Speaker 2>a date, just like, don't speak because they will just fantasize. Yeah,

667
00:27:23.720 --> 00:27:25.960
<v Speaker 2>and they don't speak, you fantasize. It's the best. It's

668
00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:27.839
<v Speaker 2>just like, stay quiet as long as possible.

669
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:31.519
<v Speaker 1>Oh god, the gift of silence. Yeah, I'll never know it.

670
00:27:31.759 --> 00:27:34.680
<v Speaker 2>Spirituality is wanting to say something a not, says Michael Singer,

671
00:27:37.319 --> 00:27:39.799
<v Speaker 2>taking his podcast down a way different direction to that

672
00:27:40.039 --> 00:27:40.920
<v Speaker 2>The Untethered Soul.

673
00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:44.200
<v Speaker 1>I love the Untoethered Soul. Did you ever read the

674
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:47.680
<v Speaker 1>Surrender Experiment? No, it's also by him where he says

675
00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:49.839
<v Speaker 1>yes to everything for a year and he basically becomes

676
00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:51.680
<v Speaker 1>like a multi multi multimulator.

677
00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:54.440
<v Speaker 2>That was him. Yeah really, Yeah, Oh I don't. I

678
00:27:54.440 --> 00:27:55.400
<v Speaker 2>don't know him in that way.

679
00:27:55.519 --> 00:27:58.599
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it doesn't. If your every problem and often a

680
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:00.920
<v Speaker 1>rush to find it complicates our hearts the most the

681
00:28:00.920 --> 00:28:04.079
<v Speaker 1>pressure to be in a relationship creates a complex that

682
00:28:04.119 --> 00:28:07.119
<v Speaker 1>can bend your sense of self until connection feels futile.

683
00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:10.640
<v Speaker 1>Love exists in a myriad of ways, but the assumption

684
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:13.200
<v Speaker 1>that this singular form of it will lift you up

685
00:28:13.200 --> 00:28:15.880
<v Speaker 1>above your human experience, sanitize your pain, and make the

686
00:28:15.880 --> 00:28:18.279
<v Speaker 1>rest of your days a fever dream is not only untrue.

687
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:21.759
<v Speaker 2>It'll be a fever dream. It'll be a fever dream.

688
00:28:21.759 --> 00:28:24.119
<v Speaker 2>If you let us drive, have anything to do with

689
00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:26.319
<v Speaker 2>I'm behind the wheel, It's a fucking fever dream.

690
00:28:26.359 --> 00:28:29.279
<v Speaker 1>It'll be a fever dream. My whole last relationship with

691
00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:30.200
<v Speaker 1>a fever dream.

692
00:28:30.279 --> 00:28:31.000
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god.

693
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:33.359
<v Speaker 1>It's placing the portal to your own inner piece within

694
00:28:33.400 --> 00:28:35.880
<v Speaker 1>the realm of someone else's commitment, rather than leading you

695
00:28:35.960 --> 00:28:38.920
<v Speaker 1>back to where it truly exists, in your own ability

696
00:28:38.920 --> 00:28:41.920
<v Speaker 1>to retrain your mind to perceive love at any given moment.

697
00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:44.960
<v Speaker 1>Our fantasies about other people are never really about how

698
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.200
<v Speaker 1>someone else might give us their love. Instead, they mirror

699
00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:51.039
<v Speaker 1>our unawakened love back to us. They serve to show

700
00:28:51.079 --> 00:28:53.440
<v Speaker 1>us that we need to seek another human heart, but

701
00:28:53.559 --> 00:28:56.480
<v Speaker 1>that not that we need to seek another human heart,

702
00:28:56.559 --> 00:28:58.640
<v Speaker 1>but that we need to remember to nurture the one

703
00:28:58.640 --> 00:28:59.160
<v Speaker 1>we already have.

704
00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:04.200
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I really want a shot of espresso?

705
00:29:04.279 --> 00:29:05.079
<v Speaker 1>Fuck me up? Fam?

706
00:29:05.160 --> 00:29:06.079
<v Speaker 2>Do you yeah?

707
00:29:06.200 --> 00:29:06.680
<v Speaker 1>So bad?

708
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:07.039
<v Speaker 2>Do you have?

709
00:29:07.559 --> 00:29:09.799
<v Speaker 1>I only have decaf? Oh that sucks. I like what

710
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:11.880
<v Speaker 1>like the placebo effect? Would do it?

711
00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:12.400
<v Speaker 2>You think?

712
00:29:12.519 --> 00:29:12.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah?

713
00:29:13.039 --> 00:29:14.640
<v Speaker 2>Should we make Yeah? Can we pause?

714
00:29:14.759 --> 00:29:14.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah?

715
00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:16.920
<v Speaker 2>Okay, where do you want to start?

716
00:29:17.319 --> 00:29:18.319
<v Speaker 1>You pick your favor?

717
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:21.359
<v Speaker 2>What was my last breakup like for you?

718
00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:25.319
<v Speaker 1>Oh, thank you so much for your inquiry. Oh the

719
00:29:25.359 --> 00:29:30.519
<v Speaker 1>hard really really hard, really hard to know someone was

720
00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:34.000
<v Speaker 1>bad the whole time and have it take so long

721
00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:40.000
<v Speaker 1>for you to realize. And also what was hard is

722
00:29:40.119 --> 00:29:43.079
<v Speaker 1>the worst it got in your relationship, the more quiet

723
00:29:43.079 --> 00:29:46.599
<v Speaker 1>you got in our friendship because you were trying to

724
00:29:46.680 --> 00:29:50.000
<v Speaker 1>protect her, protect her. I was, and so I understand

725
00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:51.319
<v Speaker 1>that obviously.

726
00:29:50.880 --> 00:29:53.160
<v Speaker 2>But that's what people do in abusive relationship.

727
00:29:53.160 --> 00:29:54.640
<v Speaker 1>In abusive relations they fully.

728
00:29:54.400 --> 00:29:56.160
<v Speaker 2>Go quiet because they don't want to admit it, because

729
00:29:56.200 --> 00:29:57.000
<v Speaker 2>you can't walk it back.

730
00:29:57.119 --> 00:29:58.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you can't walk it back.

731
00:29:58.599 --> 00:30:00.680
<v Speaker 2>So like I do think people throw the word abuse.

732
00:30:00.759 --> 00:30:03.119
<v Speaker 2>I don't mean it in that way, of course, sure, yeah,

733
00:30:03.160 --> 00:30:06.759
<v Speaker 2>but abuse, I mean it was like people throw that

734
00:30:06.799 --> 00:30:08.359
<v Speaker 2>word around and I mean it.

735
00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:10.039
<v Speaker 1>I'm not throwing it.

736
00:30:10.079 --> 00:30:12.960
<v Speaker 2>I made it I'm saying my whole fucking yest.

737
00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:16.599
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that was It was just tough. It was just

738
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:19.079
<v Speaker 1>tough to see someone for who they were the whole

739
00:30:19.079 --> 00:30:21.039
<v Speaker 1>time and for you to not. Yeah, but it's like

740
00:30:21.079 --> 00:30:23.359
<v Speaker 1>I think we get blinded in love in that way, right.

741
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:25.680
<v Speaker 2>You know, love is blind, but the neighbors are not.

742
00:30:26.200 --> 00:30:26.799
<v Speaker 1>And I love that.

743
00:30:27.079 --> 00:30:32.599
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's so real, I know, I know. Yeah, brutal,

744
00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:33.359
<v Speaker 2>just like.

745
00:30:33.359 --> 00:30:34.960
<v Speaker 1>You have to get there on your own.

746
00:30:35.079 --> 00:30:39.000
<v Speaker 2>It's hard, Like, it's so true. Yeah, there's not so

747
00:30:39.079 --> 00:30:41.240
<v Speaker 2>much you can do in situations like that.

748
00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:45.720
<v Speaker 1>You can't because the options are like literally like get

749
00:30:45.720 --> 00:30:47.599
<v Speaker 1>in someone's face and be like this person's fucking horrible

750
00:30:47.599 --> 00:30:47.799
<v Speaker 1>for you.

751
00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:48.559
<v Speaker 2>That does nothing.

752
00:30:48.720 --> 00:30:51.440
<v Speaker 1>It fucks with our friendship. Yeah, and it's like, I

753
00:30:51.480 --> 00:30:53.559
<v Speaker 1>love you so much, I just don't want I don't

754
00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:56.119
<v Speaker 1>ever want that. So I'm just like, you gotta you

755
00:30:56.160 --> 00:30:58.160
<v Speaker 1>gotta let people fall flat on their fucking face.

756
00:30:58.319 --> 00:30:59.759
<v Speaker 2>Yes, totally.

757
00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:01.799
<v Speaker 1>And that's what people had to do with me too.

758
00:31:02.079 --> 00:31:04.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's just like people are gonna do what they're

759
00:31:04.000 --> 00:31:06.480
<v Speaker 2>gonna do. I remember a sorority sister of mine in

760
00:31:06.519 --> 00:31:11.400
<v Speaker 2>college was in the most toxic relationship on again, off again,

761
00:31:12.119 --> 00:31:15.359
<v Speaker 2>really brutal. To watch and I remember saying something to

762
00:31:15.400 --> 00:31:17.559
<v Speaker 2>her when they broke up, and I remember she just

763
00:31:17.559 --> 00:31:20.160
<v Speaker 2>looked at me. It was just like, it doesn't matter

764
00:31:20.359 --> 00:31:23.119
<v Speaker 2>what you say. It never will matter what you say.

765
00:31:23.240 --> 00:31:24.519
<v Speaker 2>I'm in love with him and I'm going to do

766
00:31:24.559 --> 00:31:27.640
<v Speaker 2>this for as long as I want. And I was like, yeah, yeah,

767
00:31:27.680 --> 00:31:30.000
<v Speaker 2>fair enough. And I've just felt that way. The hurt

768
00:31:30.079 --> 00:31:32.920
<v Speaker 2>him sens's and that's that's it. Like you can say

769
00:31:32.960 --> 00:31:36.680
<v Speaker 2>it once and then if they stay together and they

770
00:31:36.680 --> 00:31:38.839
<v Speaker 2>don't listen to your advice, you cannot say it again.

771
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:41.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean you can, but it just it really

772
00:31:41.559 --> 00:31:43.640
<v Speaker 1>just drives a wedge in the friendship. Yeah, you know,

773
00:31:43.680 --> 00:31:46.319
<v Speaker 1>because it's like you love that person more than anyone

774
00:31:46.400 --> 00:31:50.400
<v Speaker 1>right now, including me. It's not even including your family.

775
00:31:50.519 --> 00:31:51.440
<v Speaker 1>It's just like.

776
00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:53.400
<v Speaker 2>It's not even that you love them more. It's just

777
00:31:53.480 --> 00:31:57.759
<v Speaker 2>like that type of love. Yeah, is really like it

778
00:31:57.839 --> 00:32:01.839
<v Speaker 2>like w warps things. Yeah, because I don't feel that

779
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:04.279
<v Speaker 2>that it's always like more. It's just like that's like

780
00:32:04.359 --> 00:32:06.279
<v Speaker 2>anchoring in a way that other relationships are not.

781
00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:07.039
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

782
00:32:07.119 --> 00:32:08.119
<v Speaker 2>I guess like you're life.

783
00:32:08.119 --> 00:32:10.119
<v Speaker 1>That's your partner, that's your partner. Yeah, it's like the

784
00:32:10.119 --> 00:32:12.079
<v Speaker 1>person that you like in envisional life with I think

785
00:32:12.079 --> 00:32:14.400
<v Speaker 1>that's the hardest part about that. It's like you are

786
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:16.599
<v Speaker 1>building a life with someone and you don't really want

787
00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:18.440
<v Speaker 1>to hear from your friends or family that the person

788
00:32:18.480 --> 00:32:21.240
<v Speaker 1>you're building with is basura.

789
00:32:22.240 --> 00:32:26.000
<v Speaker 2>What's that trash? Trash I speak Spanish. I just didn't

790
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:32.000
<v Speaker 2>for some reason pick up on that, like linguistic flourish basa. Yeah,

791
00:32:32.039 --> 00:32:34.759
<v Speaker 2>that was tough. That was tough for everyone. It was

792
00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:35.880
<v Speaker 2>tough for you. It was tough for me too.

793
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:37.079
<v Speaker 1>It was tough for all of us.

794
00:32:37.519 --> 00:32:39.319
<v Speaker 2>What's the best worst thing that's ever happened to you?

795
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:46.400
<v Speaker 1>My mom's suicide. Like that's intense, Yeah, but that's that's it.

796
00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:51.799
<v Speaker 1>It's like, on paper, that's a bad thing, but in

797
00:32:51.839 --> 00:32:56.480
<v Speaker 1>the ways it has affected my life, it's a really,

798
00:32:56.480 --> 00:32:59.640
<v Speaker 1>really great thing. It's like the most profound thing that's

799
00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:04.480
<v Speaker 1>upper had happened to me because I was able to Hey,

800
00:33:04.480 --> 00:33:06.799
<v Speaker 1>it's the reason I got sober. It's the reason I

801
00:33:06.880 --> 00:33:11.319
<v Speaker 1>like quit drinking, and that was that was gonna kill me.

802
00:33:11.519 --> 00:33:13.400
<v Speaker 1>Like I I don't remember, was I talking to you

803
00:33:13.519 --> 00:33:14.960
<v Speaker 1>or I was talking to someone the other day about

804
00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:17.480
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I didn't envision being here at thirty

805
00:33:17.480 --> 00:33:19.640
<v Speaker 1>seven and yeah, it was you right, yeah, And You're like,

806
00:33:19.640 --> 00:33:21.680
<v Speaker 1>where did you envision being? And I said dead deady

807
00:33:21.720 --> 00:33:23.680
<v Speaker 1>And I mean that with my whole heart. Like I

808
00:33:23.720 --> 00:33:25.200
<v Speaker 1>did not think I was going to make it past

809
00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:28.720
<v Speaker 1>thirty because of how hard I was partying, and I

810
00:33:28.720 --> 00:33:30.160
<v Speaker 1>don't know that I would have. I got sober when

811
00:33:30.200 --> 00:33:32.400
<v Speaker 1>I was twenty eight because that's when my mom died.

812
00:33:32.519 --> 00:33:35.279
<v Speaker 2>And what about her death made you get sober? Was

813
00:33:35.319 --> 00:33:36.440
<v Speaker 2>it because she was a drunk?

814
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:39.960
<v Speaker 1>No, she wasn't. She wasn't a drunk. I drank at

815
00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:42.720
<v Speaker 1>her like my whole life. She was like, you're going

816
00:33:42.759 --> 00:33:44.359
<v Speaker 1>to be an alcoholic just like your father, And I'm like,

817
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:46.799
<v Speaker 1>my dad fucking slaps, Like my dad's fucking cool, So

818
00:33:46.839 --> 00:33:50.680
<v Speaker 1>whatever he does, I'll do. So it was like it

819
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:53.519
<v Speaker 1>almost became like an elaborate performance art piece to prove

820
00:33:53.559 --> 00:33:55.000
<v Speaker 1>to her that I could have the life that she

821
00:33:55.039 --> 00:33:57.279
<v Speaker 1>couldn't and still drink, do you know what I mean?

822
00:33:57.440 --> 00:33:59.799
<v Speaker 1>So like I was like, I have a big job,

823
00:33:59.839 --> 00:34:02.440
<v Speaker 1>I have this great husband, I have wonderful friends, I

824
00:34:02.440 --> 00:34:05.119
<v Speaker 1>have all this shit, and I drink like it's never

825
00:34:05.119 --> 00:34:07.359
<v Speaker 1>The drinking was never the problem. But then it was

826
00:34:07.359 --> 00:34:10.159
<v Speaker 1>like when I felt the drinking start to not be

827
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:14.760
<v Speaker 1>as rewarding or fun. I never stopped because I was like, no,

828
00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:16.519
<v Speaker 1>I still have to prove this to her.

829
00:34:16.800 --> 00:34:18.480
<v Speaker 2>But was she even around you?

830
00:34:18.519 --> 00:34:21.760
<v Speaker 1>No. It was like some weird psychological hold that she

831
00:34:21.880 --> 00:34:25.440
<v Speaker 1>had on me. And we were estranged for six years.

832
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:27.760
<v Speaker 1>But when she died, it was like I literally felt

833
00:34:28.920 --> 00:34:30.719
<v Speaker 1>relief was the first thing I felt.

834
00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:31.199
<v Speaker 2>Relief.

835
00:34:31.400 --> 00:34:34.880
<v Speaker 1>Relief was the first thing I felt, because it was yeah,

836
00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:38.360
<v Speaker 1>oh yeah, relief. I just was like the time. No,

837
00:34:38.400 --> 00:34:43.320
<v Speaker 1>we were strange for five or six years, and I

838
00:34:43.400 --> 00:34:45.559
<v Speaker 1>just was like, she was never going to find peace here.

839
00:34:45.719 --> 00:34:48.920
<v Speaker 1>She never had a day of happiness or joy, Like

840
00:34:49.000 --> 00:34:52.719
<v Speaker 1>she just didn't experience joy. She was so mentally ill.

841
00:34:52.960 --> 00:34:56.280
<v Speaker 1>And and then also she caused everyone else so much pain.

842
00:34:56.880 --> 00:34:59.400
<v Speaker 1>So I was relieved not only for myself but for

843
00:34:59.480 --> 00:35:03.719
<v Speaker 1>my family and for everyone that like you know, like

844
00:35:03.760 --> 00:35:07.440
<v Speaker 1>that cycle and yeah yeah, and and then the relief

845
00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:09.119
<v Speaker 1>of like, oh, I don't have to keep drinking at

846
00:35:09.119 --> 00:35:11.280
<v Speaker 1>this person. I don't have to keep killing myself to

847
00:35:11.320 --> 00:35:13.480
<v Speaker 1>prove a point to this person that's like not even

848
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:16.239
<v Speaker 1>here anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean. So that

849
00:35:16.360 --> 00:35:19.000
<v Speaker 1>was that was the best worst thing that's ever happened

850
00:35:19.000 --> 00:35:19.199
<v Speaker 1>to me.

851
00:35:19.440 --> 00:35:22.400
<v Speaker 2>Wow, what about you be well, I have a question though, Okay,

852
00:35:22.440 --> 00:35:24.800
<v Speaker 2>But being a strange from her for the six years

853
00:35:25.039 --> 00:35:28.639
<v Speaker 2>before she died, was that like no communication at all

854
00:35:28.760 --> 00:35:32.039
<v Speaker 2>or it was just like not anything meaningful to you.

855
00:35:33.000 --> 00:35:35.519
<v Speaker 1>It was like she would send emails here and there.

856
00:35:35.559 --> 00:35:37.239
<v Speaker 1>I kept blocking her, and then she would like get

857
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:41.639
<v Speaker 1>new email addresses and get new you know, different numbers

858
00:35:41.639 --> 00:35:42.440
<v Speaker 1>and stuff like that.

859
00:35:43.239 --> 00:35:48.480
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, it was and she would reach out because

860
00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:50.320
<v Speaker 2>you'd block her and stuff. Yeah, she would find another

861
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:51.800
<v Speaker 2>way to reach through the side door.

862
00:35:52.119 --> 00:35:55.159
<v Speaker 1>Yes, yes, she would reach out. And it's really sad

863
00:35:55.159 --> 00:35:57.920
<v Speaker 1>because like I've gone through those emails recently, and like,

864
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:01.920
<v Speaker 1>because I was so hurt and tormented by her, I

865
00:36:01.960 --> 00:36:04.599
<v Speaker 1>couldn't see like the pain and the love and like

866
00:36:05.639 --> 00:36:07.719
<v Speaker 1>I couldn't see what she was actually saying. I saw

867
00:36:07.760 --> 00:36:09.719
<v Speaker 1>it through the lens of like somebody who had hurt

868
00:36:09.760 --> 00:36:11.920
<v Speaker 1>me so bad in the past trying to like reignite

869
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:15.760
<v Speaker 1>and retrigger like my wounds. But like when I reread

870
00:36:15.760 --> 00:36:18.000
<v Speaker 1>the emails recently, I was just like, oh, this is

871
00:36:18.119 --> 00:36:20.519
<v Speaker 1>really fucking sad. It's just like a mom being like, oh,

872
00:36:20.599 --> 00:36:23.199
<v Speaker 1>you know, the weather's the weather sucks here, and I

873
00:36:23.239 --> 00:36:24.920
<v Speaker 1>want to go on vacation and I miss you and

874
00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:28.159
<v Speaker 1>I love you. She would say something yeah, and I

875
00:36:28.239 --> 00:36:31.000
<v Speaker 1>just wouldn't respond because I was like no, like she

876
00:36:31.119 --> 00:36:33.519
<v Speaker 1>did so much damage that I couldn't respond. But it

877
00:36:33.599 --> 00:36:36.480
<v Speaker 1>is really it's tricky. It's like when she died. So

878
00:36:36.679 --> 00:36:38.079
<v Speaker 1>I don't know if I ever told you this, but

879
00:36:40.559 --> 00:36:42.880
<v Speaker 1>I had like just a feeling. I just had a feeling.

880
00:36:42.920 --> 00:36:44.719
<v Speaker 1>It was a random Sunday and I had a feeling

881
00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:46.559
<v Speaker 1>that she did that something was wrong.

882
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:47.119
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and I.

883
00:36:47.639 --> 00:36:49.599
<v Speaker 1>Had blocked her. And I don't know if you know this,

884
00:36:49.679 --> 00:36:51.840
<v Speaker 1>but if you block someone, they can still leave you

885
00:36:51.880 --> 00:36:55.199
<v Speaker 1>a voicemail. It just goes to a different folder. I

886
00:36:55.199 --> 00:36:58.559
<v Speaker 1>didn't know that, and I just had like a feeling.

887
00:36:58.639 --> 00:37:02.440
<v Speaker 1>I was like a folder blocked messages. Wait, do you

888
00:37:02.480 --> 00:37:07.199
<v Speaker 1>have any sure? I do? Have you blocked people?

889
00:37:07.440 --> 00:37:07.920
<v Speaker 3>Of course?

890
00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:12.760
<v Speaker 1>Of course, And of course where's the so go under voicemail,

891
00:37:14.119 --> 00:37:15.079
<v Speaker 1>go to the very bottom.

892
00:37:15.159 --> 00:37:18.159
<v Speaker 2>Oh god, very sure. It's going to be from you know.

893
00:37:21.000 --> 00:37:24.440
<v Speaker 1>Oh, you should delete some of those baby blocked fourteen.

894
00:37:26.440 --> 00:37:27.719
<v Speaker 2>It's definitely from my ex.

895
00:37:29.519 --> 00:37:32.320
<v Speaker 1>Wait who are these all from? I don't know you

896
00:37:32.400 --> 00:37:45.880
<v Speaker 1>have so many of them? M hm, do you know

897
00:37:45.960 --> 00:37:46.719
<v Speaker 1>what number that is?

898
00:37:47.360 --> 00:37:51.800
<v Speaker 2>No? This is oh this Oh, this is this guy

899
00:37:51.840 --> 00:37:58.480
<v Speaker 2>from the no I don't know who this is. I

900
00:37:58.519 --> 00:37:59.440
<v Speaker 2>don't know who these people are.

901
00:37:59.480 --> 00:38:01.000
<v Speaker 1>These people are, but they're all blocked.

902
00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:03.519
<v Speaker 2>They must have been annoying. This person is in my phone?

903
00:38:03.599 --> 00:38:09.360
<v Speaker 2>Is block this fucking number? Sometimes I just blocked, like spam.

904
00:38:09.440 --> 00:38:16.000
<v Speaker 2>Oh okay, okay, never mind, not it's not tea. So

905
00:38:16.159 --> 00:38:19.079
<v Speaker 2>I had a feeling and I checked my blocked voicemail.

906
00:38:19.079 --> 00:38:22.440
<v Speaker 2>Why would they let you do that? Do what eave

907
00:38:22.440 --> 00:38:23.800
<v Speaker 2>a voicemail if you're blocked?

908
00:38:24.159 --> 00:38:26.960
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what was the point. I'm glad they

909
00:38:26.960 --> 00:38:29.760
<v Speaker 1>did because I had one from my mom, okay, and

910
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:31.960
<v Speaker 1>it was the first time. So basically she would leave

911
00:38:31.960 --> 00:38:34.320
<v Speaker 1>me a voicemail and she would be like, Hi, it's Mom,

912
00:38:34.400 --> 00:38:36.000
<v Speaker 1>Da da da da da, and I hope you're good,

913
00:38:36.039 --> 00:38:37.960
<v Speaker 1>and then she would like dive off into the deep

914
00:38:38.039 --> 00:38:40.320
<v Speaker 1>end of life. But these guys are like out to

915
00:38:40.360 --> 00:38:43.599
<v Speaker 1>get me, and like like she' her fucking psychosis would

916
00:38:43.639 --> 00:38:47.360
<v Speaker 1>kick in. But this voicemail was just nice. It was

917
00:38:47.400 --> 00:38:49.760
<v Speaker 1>just the first time she ever left me a nice

918
00:38:50.239 --> 00:38:53.599
<v Speaker 1>vossage ever. And I was still drinking at the time, obviously,

919
00:38:53.760 --> 00:38:56.039
<v Speaker 1>and Chris and I were going to brunch and I

920
00:38:56.280 --> 00:38:59.199
<v Speaker 1>started like hammering drinks and he was like, what is

921
00:38:59.239 --> 00:38:59.719
<v Speaker 1>going on?

922
00:39:00.360 --> 00:39:01.199
<v Speaker 2>Was he a drunk too?

923
00:39:01.639 --> 00:39:03.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? We drank together and then he got sober too.

924
00:39:04.079 --> 00:39:06.679
<v Speaker 1>He got sober a year after I did, like never

925
00:39:06.760 --> 00:39:10.519
<v Speaker 1>drank since. Wow, yeah, his life like completely.

926
00:39:10.159 --> 00:39:14.280
<v Speaker 2>Is it rude to say a drunk should say alcoholic?

927
00:39:14.360 --> 00:39:17.480
<v Speaker 2>Is like a midget? Like like you know what.

928
00:39:17.480 --> 00:39:23.440
<v Speaker 1>I mean, small person? You tried to make it worse

929
00:39:23.559 --> 00:39:26.320
<v Speaker 1>than No.

930
00:39:29.599 --> 00:39:32.079
<v Speaker 2>Feels like derogatory to say drunk. I realized I should

931
00:39:32.079 --> 00:39:34.360
<v Speaker 2>feel like an alcoholic, Like are you like a person

932
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:38.199
<v Speaker 2>with a drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic, but you can

933
00:39:38.199 --> 00:39:40.719
<v Speaker 2>call me She's a non drinking person.

934
00:39:40.719 --> 00:39:44.639
<v Speaker 1>No drinking drunk. He's a non drinking drunk. Okay, wait,

935
00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:47.519
<v Speaker 1>so you get this male from my mom. Let me

936
00:39:47.519 --> 00:39:50.679
<v Speaker 1>see if I can find it. Yeah, why not? Huh?

937
00:39:50.719 --> 00:39:54.239
<v Speaker 2>It's just intimate, is it? What's your life?

938
00:39:55.960 --> 00:39:57.199
<v Speaker 1>I don't even know if I can find it. Let

939
00:39:57.239 --> 00:39:57.559
<v Speaker 1>me see.

940
00:39:57.719 --> 00:40:01.599
<v Speaker 2>Last was the year that he remained and like actively

941
00:40:01.719 --> 00:40:06.239
<v Speaker 2>drinking and you are sober? A challenging one in the marriage. Very,

942
00:40:06.400 --> 00:40:08.239
<v Speaker 2>that sounds really difficult.

943
00:40:08.719 --> 00:40:10.480
<v Speaker 1>Very, I'm going to tell you all about that in

944
00:40:10.519 --> 00:40:13.159
<v Speaker 1>one second. Okay, this is let me see. Yeah, because

945
00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:16.000
<v Speaker 1>I really So this is the voicemail where I knew

946
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:16.480
<v Speaker 1>she was dead.

947
00:40:19.159 --> 00:40:21.559
<v Speaker 2>Hi, Berdy's mom, I'm just calling to is Sue a

948
00:40:21.599 --> 00:40:22.199
<v Speaker 2>wonderful day.

949
00:40:22.239 --> 00:40:25.159
<v Speaker 3>I hope everything is going well with you and Chris

950
00:40:25.320 --> 00:40:26.760
<v Speaker 3>and your wife and your job.

951
00:40:26.920 --> 00:40:28.719
<v Speaker 1>And I'm glad you're so happy.

952
00:40:29.880 --> 00:40:31.840
<v Speaker 3>Looks like I'll be heading out to California.

953
00:40:31.960 --> 00:40:35.480
<v Speaker 1>Not your way, northern California. Don't worry, but anyway, this.

954
00:40:35.440 --> 00:40:36.039
<v Speaker 4>One is gone.

955
00:40:36.360 --> 00:40:37.960
<v Speaker 1>Have an awesome day and I'll be okay.

956
00:40:38.039 --> 00:40:39.079
<v Speaker 3>Take care, bye bye.

957
00:40:41.159 --> 00:40:41.599
<v Speaker 1>Wow.

958
00:40:41.920 --> 00:40:43.960
<v Speaker 2>She wanted to tell you don't worry, not by you.

959
00:40:44.199 --> 00:40:44.480
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

960
00:40:45.239 --> 00:40:46.880
<v Speaker 2>Oh wow, that's heavy.

961
00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:48.920
<v Speaker 1>So that was her story to everyone, was that she

962
00:40:49.039 --> 00:40:51.960
<v Speaker 1>was going to northern California. She always said that. She said,

963
00:40:52.079 --> 00:40:54.119
<v Speaker 1>she just said that to everyone when she wasn't. No,

964
00:40:54.239 --> 00:40:56.840
<v Speaker 1>she never she was closed to the basement to kill herself.

965
00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:20.760
<v Speaker 5>Oh destination suicide.

966
00:41:30.280 --> 00:41:49.199
<v Speaker 3>I'm sucking up. I'm sorry, Holy shit.

967
00:41:53.599 --> 00:41:59.800
<v Speaker 1>Anyway, Okay, anyway, I got that voicemailed. I knew she

968
00:41:59.880 --> 00:42:04.400
<v Speaker 1>was that because she never left me a nice message

969
00:42:04.440 --> 00:42:05.119
<v Speaker 1>before in my life.

970
00:42:05.159 --> 00:42:07.559
<v Speaker 2>And yeah, like, oh did she you think she knew that?

971
00:42:07.559 --> 00:42:08.920
<v Speaker 2>That was like a goodbye.

972
00:42:09.599 --> 00:42:12.000
<v Speaker 1>It was like the day before she killed herself. She's

973
00:42:12.400 --> 00:42:16.639
<v Speaker 1>kind of doing her last rounds with everyone, like, yeah,

974
00:42:16.760 --> 00:42:18.039
<v Speaker 1>she was apparently.

975
00:42:18.119 --> 00:42:22.119
<v Speaker 2>Never let me tell you whether California if I tell

976
00:42:22.119 --> 00:42:28.760
<v Speaker 2>you what, just know what that's fucking going for what's

977
00:42:28.800 --> 00:42:33.760
<v Speaker 2>going on today? Just thinking about a trip to northern California.

978
00:42:35.079 --> 00:42:36.599
<v Speaker 1>Nor don't worry not about you.

979
00:42:38.079 --> 00:42:38.280
<v Speaker 3>Don't.

980
00:42:38.760 --> 00:42:41.239
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, that's really you should talk do that

981
00:42:41.239 --> 00:42:41.679
<v Speaker 2>on stage.

982
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:46.079
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god. Anyway, I was gonna say something. Oh,

983
00:42:46.440 --> 00:42:51.920
<v Speaker 1>so before her death, she was apparently so happy. And

984
00:42:51.960 --> 00:42:54.400
<v Speaker 1>I guess that's a phenomenon that happens to people when

985
00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:55.960
<v Speaker 1>they decide they're going to kill themselves.

986
00:42:55.960 --> 00:42:57.400
<v Speaker 2>I've heard about that, and they're.

987
00:42:57.159 --> 00:43:00.400
<v Speaker 1>Just like scoot tooting around ut.

988
00:43:00.320 --> 00:43:02.719
<v Speaker 2>Likes it like releases you from something.

989
00:43:02.920 --> 00:43:06.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, the literal prison and pain of being on this earth,

990
00:43:06.840 --> 00:43:07.719
<v Speaker 1>I do think.

991
00:43:07.960 --> 00:43:10.599
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I know we're going between like really funny

992
00:43:10.599 --> 00:43:14.239
<v Speaker 2>things and really dark things. So but I was I

993
00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:16.719
<v Speaker 2>don't know where this was in one of these like

994
00:43:16.800 --> 00:43:19.840
<v Speaker 2>spirituality podcasts where I'm trying to like find a semblance

995
00:43:19.880 --> 00:43:22.199
<v Speaker 2>of peace, but like someone was talking about how like

996
00:43:22.840 --> 00:43:25.800
<v Speaker 2>the discomfort of like being in like your human body

997
00:43:26.280 --> 00:43:29.920
<v Speaker 2>as like a symptom of knowing that like we're all

998
00:43:29.960 --> 00:43:32.119
<v Speaker 2>like one and like our spirit all of these things,

999
00:43:32.159 --> 00:43:35.920
<v Speaker 2>and like it is true that like it is like

1000
00:43:36.039 --> 00:43:37.920
<v Speaker 2>relentlessly uncomfortable to be alive.

1001
00:43:38.360 --> 00:43:40.599
<v Speaker 1>It is and like and that's just what we have

1002
00:43:40.679 --> 00:43:43.440
<v Speaker 1>to deal with. Yeah, I mean it's just a prison

1003
00:43:43.480 --> 00:43:45.000
<v Speaker 1>of pain. Yeah, it's just.

1004
00:43:46.079 --> 00:43:49.440
<v Speaker 2>With moments, with interludes of just.

1005
00:43:49.039 --> 00:43:52.000
<v Speaker 1>Small just to fragments, just enough to get Yes, it's.

1006
00:43:51.920 --> 00:43:54.960
<v Speaker 2>It's just you just have to accept that it's uncomfortable

1007
00:43:55.039 --> 00:43:57.320
<v Speaker 2>or or it's really going to be difficult.

1008
00:43:57.519 --> 00:43:57.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

1009
00:43:58.320 --> 00:44:00.639
<v Speaker 2>Well, and it is difficult even when except like I

1010
00:44:00.639 --> 00:44:03.159
<v Speaker 2>don't know what else to do. It's not like we're

1011
00:44:03.159 --> 00:44:06.199
<v Speaker 2>not therapized or self aware all these things. It's just

1012
00:44:06.239 --> 00:44:07.400
<v Speaker 2>like this is it, man.

1013
00:44:07.320 --> 00:44:09.400
<v Speaker 1>No, okay, but the whole purpose of us coming down

1014
00:44:09.400 --> 00:44:12.079
<v Speaker 1>to earth is to like grow and evolve, and the

1015
00:44:12.119 --> 00:44:17.159
<v Speaker 1>only way you do that is to experience pain. So well, well.

1016
00:44:17.079 --> 00:44:20.920
<v Speaker 2>I've been experiencing, well, I've been experiencing wait to talk

1017
00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:23.400
<v Speaker 2>about tell me about the year when you are getting

1018
00:44:23.400 --> 00:44:25.760
<v Speaker 2>sober and he's not because I can't even imagine what

1019
00:44:25.840 --> 00:44:27.000
<v Speaker 2>that's like in a relationship.

1020
00:44:27.519 --> 00:44:29.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm really really I could.

1021
00:44:29.400 --> 00:44:36.480
<v Speaker 2>Actually, Yeah, that's hard.

1022
00:44:37.159 --> 00:44:39.280
<v Speaker 1>Really really really hard because I'm going through like some

1023
00:44:39.320 --> 00:44:41.639
<v Speaker 1>of the biggest upheaval and change of my life, and

1024
00:44:41.719 --> 00:44:43.480
<v Speaker 1>he's partying harder than ever.

1025
00:44:43.599 --> 00:44:45.920
<v Speaker 2>Are you tempted to drink when he's doing that? No,

1026
00:44:46.519 --> 00:44:48.880
<v Speaker 2>you're like very clear that you're no longer I was

1027
00:44:49.039 --> 00:44:51.519
<v Speaker 2>very clear, Like you're clear that you're no longer drunk midget.

1028
00:44:51.599 --> 00:44:55.039
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you're no longer a drug bitche No. I was

1029
00:44:55.159 --> 00:44:58.800
<v Speaker 1>very clear, and honestly, the way in which he.

1030
00:44:58.679 --> 00:45:01.760
<v Speaker 2>Is calling you guys drunks, it's so rudeal like he's

1031
00:45:01.760 --> 00:45:02.280
<v Speaker 2>also drunk.

1032
00:45:02.280 --> 00:45:08.039
<v Speaker 1>He's also a drunk. You guys are both drunks anyways, losers. No,

1033
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:10.679
<v Speaker 1>I was so clear, and I became more clear the

1034
00:45:10.719 --> 00:45:13.760
<v Speaker 1>more he drank, because he got so unattractive to me,

1035
00:45:14.239 --> 00:45:16.440
<v Speaker 1>Like he would like come back from parties like not

1036
00:45:16.760 --> 00:45:19.840
<v Speaker 1>it's not like falling over like blackout, taking his clothes off,

1037
00:45:19.880 --> 00:45:24.639
<v Speaker 1>being like a fuck ma like literally, no, there's nothing

1038
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:25.880
<v Speaker 1>I want to do less And then he would like

1039
00:45:26.159 --> 00:45:28.320
<v Speaker 1>throw his body on me and be like come on,

1040
00:45:28.440 --> 00:45:32.000
<v Speaker 1>and I'm like, yeah, I'll call the police, like I

1041
00:45:32.039 --> 00:45:32.960
<v Speaker 1>will actually, And.

1042
00:45:33.000 --> 00:45:35.360
<v Speaker 2>We often talk about how disgusting drunk behavior is.

1043
00:45:35.519 --> 00:45:39.320
<v Speaker 1>Drunk behavior is gross, and I it also gives me

1044
00:45:39.360 --> 00:45:41.320
<v Speaker 1>like PTSD at this point because I'm like the fact

1045
00:45:41.320 --> 00:45:43.119
<v Speaker 1>that I know I was that person in so many

1046
00:45:43.159 --> 00:45:45.559
<v Speaker 1>people's lives and stories where I thought I was the

1047
00:45:45.639 --> 00:45:48.719
<v Speaker 1>fucking shit. Yeah, and I was just like allowed drunk slut,

1048
00:45:48.960 --> 00:45:50.639
<v Speaker 1>like it's very upsetic.

1049
00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:53.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. And I mean, if there's anyone you to talk

1050
00:45:53.480 --> 00:45:56.159
<v Speaker 2>to about, how off putting and at the same time

1051
00:45:56.480 --> 00:45:59.440
<v Speaker 2>sort of sexually appealing drunk blonde woman ares me because

1052
00:45:59.480 --> 00:46:02.639
<v Speaker 2>I have a very polarizing relationship with them. And they

1053
00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:07.360
<v Speaker 2>are loud and entitled and difficult and make no sense.

1054
00:46:07.760 --> 00:46:14.159
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and the ones they drinking are weafy. It only

1055
00:46:14.199 --> 00:46:18.199
<v Speaker 1>takes him a sip or two to start unraveling their families.

1056
00:46:22.320 --> 00:46:24.719
<v Speaker 1>At least me, I was like a fucking I could drink,

1057
00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:26.880
<v Speaker 1>like you can tell I'm a I'm a farm girl.

1058
00:46:26.920 --> 00:46:27.320
<v Speaker 3>I could.

1059
00:46:27.519 --> 00:46:30.280
<v Speaker 1>I could really handle it. But yeah, no, it's tough.

1060
00:46:30.320 --> 00:46:31.880
<v Speaker 1>It was tough for christ and Night and I bleed

1061
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:36.119
<v Speaker 1>the face. I'm gonna start drinking again right now on

1062
00:46:36.239 --> 00:46:40.199
<v Speaker 1>this podcast. It was tough for christ and I and

1063
00:46:40.239 --> 00:46:41.440
<v Speaker 1>I told him I was like, I think you have

1064
00:46:41.480 --> 00:46:43.519
<v Speaker 1>to like do a sober month because his whole ship

1065
00:46:43.719 --> 00:46:46.840
<v Speaker 1>was like turned upside down, Like he hated his job

1066
00:46:46.880 --> 00:46:48.639
<v Speaker 1>and then he lost his job, and then he was

1067
00:46:48.679 --> 00:46:50.320
<v Speaker 1>like in a really dark place. And I was like,

1068
00:46:51.400 --> 00:46:53.159
<v Speaker 1>I think you gotta like cut the sauce for like

1069
00:46:53.159 --> 00:46:55.320
<v Speaker 1>a second. Yeah, I was like, just do sober October.

1070
00:46:55.360 --> 00:46:56.079
<v Speaker 1>See how you feel.

1071
00:46:56.199 --> 00:46:57.239
<v Speaker 2>I didn't even know that was a thing.

1072
00:46:57.480 --> 00:46:59.400
<v Speaker 1>Sober October. It's a thing.

1073
00:46:59.519 --> 00:47:02.199
<v Speaker 2>You famous said to me once when I suggested my

1074
00:47:02.440 --> 00:47:04.719
<v Speaker 2>ex do dry January. You were like, she's gonna reply,

1075
00:47:04.800 --> 00:47:06.440
<v Speaker 2>let's actually do break up January.

1076
00:47:07.320 --> 00:47:09.599
<v Speaker 1>It's actually, let's actually break up.

1077
00:47:09.920 --> 00:47:12.760
<v Speaker 2>I have an idea. Break up Sober October.

1078
00:47:12.800 --> 00:47:17.559
<v Speaker 1>Okay, sober October. And he lost fifteen pounds in one month.

1079
00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:20.920
<v Speaker 1>He started biking again, He like got himself back, and

1080
00:47:21.639 --> 00:47:23.599
<v Speaker 1>I was so close to the end at that point,

1081
00:47:23.639 --> 00:47:26.440
<v Speaker 1>like I literally with my therapist made a like timeline.

1082
00:47:26.440 --> 00:47:28.000
<v Speaker 1>I was like, if he doesn't turn his shit around

1083
00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.000
<v Speaker 1>by January, I'm out, Like I can't do this. And

1084
00:47:31.039 --> 00:47:33.599
<v Speaker 1>then he did sober October. He turned his whole life around.

1085
00:47:33.639 --> 00:47:35.840
<v Speaker 1>He got a huge job in January, and then we

1086
00:47:35.880 --> 00:47:37.599
<v Speaker 1>stayed together for like another couple of years.

1087
00:47:37.639 --> 00:47:37.840
<v Speaker 2>Wow.

1088
00:47:37.920 --> 00:47:40.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, until I realized it wasn't the alcohol.

1089
00:47:40.119 --> 00:47:41.639
<v Speaker 2>Right right, right, but still.

1090
00:47:41.599 --> 00:47:45.239
<v Speaker 1>But still, it was like his life changed dramatically, and

1091
00:47:46.679 --> 00:47:50.039
<v Speaker 1>I'm so proud of him, Like he just stayed stayed sober. Yeah,

1092
00:47:50.079 --> 00:47:51.119
<v Speaker 1>he's fucking crushing it.

1093
00:47:51.400 --> 00:47:51.719
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

1094
00:47:52.599 --> 00:47:57.760
<v Speaker 2>I I can't imagine how hard because for whatever reason

1095
00:47:57.840 --> 00:48:00.400
<v Speaker 2>I can do, I can drink and do hard drugs,

1096
00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:03.320
<v Speaker 2>and I, for whatever reason, I'm not an addict. Yeah,

1097
00:48:03.400 --> 00:48:05.559
<v Speaker 2>and it's hard to not do, you know what I mean?

1098
00:48:05.800 --> 00:48:08.679
<v Speaker 1>Like, Yeah, I'm so envious of you. I'm so envious

1099
00:48:08.719 --> 00:48:10.480
<v Speaker 1>of anyone like and I have. You have a lot

1100
00:48:10.519 --> 00:48:13.079
<v Speaker 1>of friends who are like that too, Well, not a lot,

1101
00:48:13.159 --> 00:48:15.000
<v Speaker 1>but I feel like your friends are also like that,

1102
00:48:15.039 --> 00:48:17.400
<v Speaker 1>where like they can drink and they're nobody's like a

1103
00:48:17.480 --> 00:48:19.400
<v Speaker 1>drunk or a mess or a problem.

1104
00:48:19.679 --> 00:48:22.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and it's it's so it has their own affliction.

1105
00:48:23.039 --> 00:48:24.840
<v Speaker 1>Well, we all have our own afflictions, but it's nice

1106
00:48:24.880 --> 00:48:28.119
<v Speaker 1>to not be like the drunk, crying slob in the corner.

1107
00:48:28.239 --> 00:48:30.119
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, I agree.

1108
00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:33.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Yeah, that's great. That's great. That's when I knew

1109
00:48:33.320 --> 00:48:35.400
<v Speaker 1>I needed to stop drinking when crying a lot. No,

1110
00:48:35.440 --> 00:48:39.239
<v Speaker 1>I was popping when I stopped popping pussy and started crying, well,

1111
00:48:39.239 --> 00:48:42.079
<v Speaker 1>because I told myself popping pussy, popping pussy, what does

1112
00:48:42.159 --> 00:48:43.440
<v Speaker 1>that mean? Popping pussy?

1113
00:48:43.440 --> 00:48:45.480
<v Speaker 2>Throwing it back meaning fucking yeah.

1114
00:48:46.199 --> 00:48:48.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Okay, that used to be the only side effect.

1115
00:48:48.719 --> 00:48:51.559
<v Speaker 1>But then my mom's funerals the last time I drank,

1116
00:48:51.639 --> 00:48:53.639
<v Speaker 1>because I like made a package drunk at the funeral, Yeah,

1117
00:48:53.800 --> 00:48:56.320
<v Speaker 1>hammered I, but I made a pack to myself beforehand.

1118
00:48:56.320 --> 00:48:58.079
<v Speaker 1>I was like, you're not gonna get drunk tonight, Like

1119
00:48:58.079 --> 00:48:59.760
<v Speaker 1>we're gonna have a few drinks, We're gonna be sick.

1120
00:49:00.079 --> 00:49:03.760
<v Speaker 1>Mindicate it. And then I got fucking blackout. And then

1121
00:49:03.800 --> 00:49:06.039
<v Speaker 1>I wound up the next morning. I was like with

1122
00:49:06.119 --> 00:49:09.119
<v Speaker 1>a friend and my cousin in your movie, Yeah, I

1123
00:49:09.119 --> 00:49:11.079
<v Speaker 1>woke up with like a friend and a cousin. I

1124
00:49:11.079 --> 00:49:13.039
<v Speaker 1>was like, I wasn't that bad last night, And they're like,

1125
00:49:13.199 --> 00:49:15.519
<v Speaker 1>you were literally crying on the bar for three hours,

1126
00:49:15.519 --> 00:49:18.039
<v Speaker 1>and I was like, oh, I'm done. I didn't like

1127
00:49:18.119 --> 00:49:20.239
<v Speaker 1>being told about my life, do you know what I mean?

1128
00:49:20.239 --> 00:49:20.719
<v Speaker 1>I didn't like.

1129
00:49:20.840 --> 00:49:24.159
<v Speaker 2>That's very uncomfortable. That's a really uncomfortable level of drunk.

1130
00:49:24.320 --> 00:49:26.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm like, I don't like this. Like that, there's

1131
00:49:26.599 --> 00:49:28.559
<v Speaker 1>like a version of me that's out in the world,

1132
00:49:28.679 --> 00:49:30.119
<v Speaker 1>just like operating and doing shit.

1133
00:49:30.360 --> 00:49:31.639
<v Speaker 2>That's terrifying.

1134
00:49:31.679 --> 00:49:32.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, knowing that.

1135
00:49:32.559 --> 00:49:35.519
<v Speaker 2>Level of being inebriated is really scary and it's also

1136
00:49:35.679 --> 00:49:38.320
<v Speaker 2>so dangerous. Have you ever been that drunk, yes, okay,

1137
00:49:38.480 --> 00:49:41.039
<v Speaker 2>I mean blackout yeah, like in college.

1138
00:49:41.559 --> 00:49:44.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, see you could probably.

1139
00:49:43.960 --> 00:49:47.039
<v Speaker 2>Like in college. I I had a night I remember,

1140
00:49:47.079 --> 00:49:50.320
<v Speaker 2>I like didn't remember how I got home, just one night,

1141
00:49:53.159 --> 00:49:54.880
<v Speaker 2>I'm sure, no there And then there was there was

1142
00:49:54.960 --> 00:49:59.159
<v Speaker 2>one famous night in my household at least where I

1143
00:49:59.199 --> 00:50:03.960
<v Speaker 2>was drinking on so much and started puking, and my

1144
00:50:04.039 --> 00:50:06.719
<v Speaker 2>friend who I was with, called an ambulance to take

1145
00:50:06.719 --> 00:50:09.320
<v Speaker 2>me to the hospital because that was like what you

1146
00:50:09.360 --> 00:50:12.679
<v Speaker 2>did in college. And I by the time I got

1147
00:50:12.719 --> 00:50:14.320
<v Speaker 2>to the hospital, I had like sobered up and I

1148
00:50:14.400 --> 00:50:18.519
<v Speaker 2>just like left. Oh sorry, oh no, this was the story.

1149
00:50:19.079 --> 00:50:21.719
<v Speaker 2>There's two separate nights. That night got me into a

1150
00:50:21.760 --> 00:50:24.199
<v Speaker 2>program at NYU where I had to check in about

1151
00:50:24.199 --> 00:50:25.039
<v Speaker 2>my alcohol intakes.

1152
00:50:25.079 --> 00:50:26.880
<v Speaker 1>Okay, good, good start.

1153
00:50:26.960 --> 00:50:29.880
<v Speaker 2>So I did that. And then there was one other

1154
00:50:29.920 --> 00:50:32.639
<v Speaker 2>time I got so fucked up. I was doing a

1155
00:50:32.679 --> 00:50:34.960
<v Speaker 2>lot of shots. It was I think my sophomore year

1156
00:50:34.960 --> 00:50:38.559
<v Speaker 2>of college, and I went out with my friends to

1157
00:50:38.960 --> 00:50:41.519
<v Speaker 2>jay Z's club, like the forty forty club, the fifty

1158
00:50:41.559 --> 00:50:45.360
<v Speaker 2>fifty club something, and I gave her my bag and

1159
00:50:45.440 --> 00:50:47.519
<v Speaker 2>in my bag with all of my things, my phone,

1160
00:50:47.599 --> 00:50:51.000
<v Speaker 2>my wallet, whatever. I leave the club, I take a

1161
00:50:51.039 --> 00:50:54.159
<v Speaker 2>taxi up town. I remember that I get out of

1162
00:50:54.159 --> 00:50:56.400
<v Speaker 2>the taxi. I don't have money, and I just like ran.

1163
00:50:57.760 --> 00:51:01.079
<v Speaker 2>I was standing outside my friends apartment who I left

1164
00:51:01.119 --> 00:51:05.119
<v Speaker 2>at the club, buzzing to get in and to go

1165
00:51:05.199 --> 00:51:09.119
<v Speaker 2>to sleep at her apartment. And then I found my

1166
00:51:09.159 --> 00:51:13.239
<v Speaker 2>way into a diner. I fell asleep on the counter.

1167
00:51:14.039 --> 00:51:19.400
<v Speaker 2>The diner called my dad and said, like, I guess

1168
00:51:19.440 --> 00:51:21.679
<v Speaker 2>I drunkenly gave him his phone number. He drove in

1169
00:51:21.719 --> 00:51:24.199
<v Speaker 2>from Connecticut. He was like, where are you. I was

1170
00:51:24.199 --> 00:51:27.679
<v Speaker 2>like twenty second and second and the diner was like

1171
00:51:27.840 --> 00:51:30.639
<v Speaker 2>sixty seven, relax, like it was like wrong. He drove in,

1172
00:51:30.719 --> 00:51:32.280
<v Speaker 2>He picked me up. I went home. I woke up

1173
00:51:32.320 --> 00:51:36.679
<v Speaker 2>in my childhood home. Okay, I was in college and

1174
00:51:36.679 --> 00:51:40.320
<v Speaker 2>I woke up in my childhood bedroom. And I literally

1175
00:51:40.360 --> 00:51:41.559
<v Speaker 2>have not gotten fucked up like that.

1176
00:51:41.599 --> 00:51:47.719
<v Speaker 1>Since your parents are so special. Your parents are so special,

1177
00:51:47.920 --> 00:51:50.679
<v Speaker 1>the best. Like even the other night on the weed Gummy,

1178
00:51:50.719 --> 00:51:52.400
<v Speaker 1>they were worried about you. I was thinking about it,

1179
00:51:52.440 --> 00:51:54.719
<v Speaker 1>and part of me when I was like, I was like,

1180
00:51:54.840 --> 00:51:57.280
<v Speaker 1>if I called my dad panicking about anything, he would

1181
00:51:57.280 --> 00:51:58.360
<v Speaker 1>be like get a grip and hang.

1182
00:51:58.280 --> 00:52:01.480
<v Speaker 2>Up, like you think, but he's also there for you.

1183
00:52:01.679 --> 00:52:03.480
<v Speaker 1>He's there for me, not in that way. I don't

1184
00:52:03.519 --> 00:52:05.599
<v Speaker 1>have anyone there for me in that way. Like it's

1185
00:52:05.880 --> 00:52:08.000
<v Speaker 1>been very like you got to be a fucking soldier

1186
00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:10.800
<v Speaker 1>out here, but like your family's so special. Like my dad,

1187
00:52:10.840 --> 00:52:12.239
<v Speaker 1>if he would have gotten that call, he'd be like,

1188
00:52:12.239 --> 00:52:16.239
<v Speaker 1>all right, she'll figure it out. Like there's no I

1189
00:52:16.599 --> 00:52:18.440
<v Speaker 1>just love that they came and picked you up and

1190
00:52:18.480 --> 00:52:20.400
<v Speaker 1>like made sure you were safe. That's so sweet and wonderful.

1191
00:52:20.519 --> 00:52:22.400
<v Speaker 2>It was amazing. It was very sweet. And I woke

1192
00:52:22.440 --> 00:52:24.039
<v Speaker 2>up the next day and I remember they didn't even

1193
00:52:24.039 --> 00:52:26.400
<v Speaker 2>say to me. They were like, we're putting you on

1194
00:52:26.440 --> 00:52:28.760
<v Speaker 2>the train and go like get your stuff. They were

1195
00:52:28.960 --> 00:52:30.599
<v Speaker 2>I think they had been so worried about me that

1196
00:52:30.679 --> 00:52:32.760
<v Speaker 2>on top of it, they knew I wasn't gonna need

1197
00:52:32.760 --> 00:52:35.320
<v Speaker 2>like a lecture, right. It was just the results were

1198
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:38.079
<v Speaker 2>so bad. The results are that it was just like

1199
00:52:38.440 --> 00:52:41.199
<v Speaker 2>you can now clean it up, yeah, which I do

1200
00:52:41.320 --> 00:52:44.039
<v Speaker 2>think that that is. I find that style of parenting

1201
00:52:44.079 --> 00:52:46.440
<v Speaker 2>to be admirable. They're not perfect, but that was like

1202
00:52:46.599 --> 00:52:48.719
<v Speaker 2>enough where I was like, okay, this is was really

1203
00:52:48.760 --> 00:52:52.400
<v Speaker 2>bad enough. Yeah, I was really disoriented when I woke

1204
00:52:52.480 --> 00:52:53.639
<v Speaker 2>up with that feeling is terrible.

1205
00:52:53.800 --> 00:52:55.840
<v Speaker 1>That's so crazy. That you only have like two of

1206
00:52:55.880 --> 00:52:58.679
<v Speaker 1>those nights.

1207
00:52:57.159 --> 00:52:59.119
<v Speaker 2>Of such intense blackout.

1208
00:52:59.320 --> 00:53:01.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean I've woken up in different cities.

1209
00:53:01.960 --> 00:53:02.519
<v Speaker 2>What do you mean?

1210
00:53:03.239 --> 00:53:05.840
<v Speaker 1>Like I've gotten on planes and like flown to different

1211
00:53:05.840 --> 00:53:08.079
<v Speaker 1>cities and forgot and then woke up.

1212
00:53:08.159 --> 00:53:10.000
<v Speaker 2>How do you go through tsa wasted like that?

1213
00:53:10.440 --> 00:53:11.039
<v Speaker 1>I'll show you.

1214
00:53:13.599 --> 00:53:16.280
<v Speaker 2>But where why? What is inspiring you to go get

1215
00:53:16.320 --> 00:53:17.440
<v Speaker 2>on a plane when you're blacked out?

1216
00:53:17.519 --> 00:53:17.800
<v Speaker 5>Dick?

1217
00:53:18.880 --> 00:53:22.760
<v Speaker 1>Oh? Like I would go on a little adventure, like

1218
00:53:22.800 --> 00:53:25.000
<v Speaker 1>a Sunday fun day would turn into now I'm in Cleveland.

1219
00:53:25.800 --> 00:53:28.480
<v Speaker 2>Really, They're like, get on a plane.

1220
00:53:28.559 --> 00:53:31.039
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Well they don't know. The guy I am talking

1221
00:53:31.079 --> 00:53:34.079
<v Speaker 1>to doesn't know how fucking fucking wasted I am. So

1222
00:53:34.119 --> 00:53:35.719
<v Speaker 1>they're just like, we'll send you a car, I'll send

1223
00:53:35.760 --> 00:53:37.639
<v Speaker 1>you this, I'll do this, I'll do that whatever, and

1224
00:53:38.320 --> 00:53:40.239
<v Speaker 1>a ticket. Yeah, and then I wake up in Cleveland.

1225
00:53:41.360 --> 00:53:44.039
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, that island.

1226
00:53:44.119 --> 00:53:46.239
<v Speaker 2>How many drinks is that that you're in that space?

1227
00:53:47.920 --> 00:53:49.639
<v Speaker 1>Well, here's the thing, Like I used to drink a

1228
00:53:49.679 --> 00:53:53.280
<v Speaker 1>whole bottle before I went out of what it varied

1229
00:53:53.599 --> 00:53:56.840
<v Speaker 1>throughout the years, but it starts. It's usually was rum

1230
00:53:57.480 --> 00:54:01.719
<v Speaker 1>like Bacardi parent an entire bottle and then when I

1231
00:54:01.760 --> 00:54:04.039
<v Speaker 1>was in college, I was drinking an entire bottle of Jamison.

1232
00:54:04.039 --> 00:54:05.000
<v Speaker 2>How do you not die?

1233
00:54:05.519 --> 00:54:05.960
<v Speaker 1>I should have.

1234
00:54:07.800 --> 00:54:09.639
<v Speaker 2>But by the way, why are you choosing the most

1235
00:54:09.679 --> 00:54:12.159
<v Speaker 2>disgusting liquor Jameson Jamison.

1236
00:54:12.599 --> 00:54:15.519
<v Speaker 1>Jamison had like a real run in Milwaukee in the

1237
00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:19.119
<v Speaker 1>in the early knots, in the tens. Whoa, it was

1238
00:54:19.159 --> 00:54:21.400
<v Speaker 1>on a real run. It was on a humdinger when

1239
00:54:21.440 --> 00:54:24.960
<v Speaker 1>you just drink it straight up. Yeah, just shot shot

1240
00:54:25.000 --> 00:54:25.719
<v Speaker 1>shot shot shot.

1241
00:54:26.559 --> 00:54:29.719
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, for me, like five shots.

1242
00:54:29.440 --> 00:54:32.840
<v Speaker 1>Is like yeah for any person usually.

1243
00:54:32.639 --> 00:54:37.199
<v Speaker 2>Like maybe severely fucked up. Last night, I had a

1244
00:54:37.199 --> 00:54:38.920
<v Speaker 2>lot to drink, but it was over the course of many,

1245
00:54:38.920 --> 00:54:41.800
<v Speaker 2>many hours. But it was again maybe five drink yeah yeah,

1246
00:54:41.840 --> 00:54:43.079
<v Speaker 2>over the course of seven hours.

1247
00:54:43.159 --> 00:54:46.679
<v Speaker 1>Yeah see, I would probably see this is like the thing,

1248
00:54:46.920 --> 00:54:48.800
<v Speaker 1>this is why I can't drink again, because the way

1249
00:54:48.800 --> 00:54:50.360
<v Speaker 1>in which I drank would kill me.

1250
00:54:50.400 --> 00:54:50.599
<v Speaker 2>Now.

1251
00:54:50.840 --> 00:54:54.119
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like it I really I had no off switch.

1252
00:54:54.280 --> 00:54:55.639
<v Speaker 1>And it was like I was the kind of person

1253
00:54:55.679 --> 00:54:57.719
<v Speaker 1>where like when a waitress came to the table and

1254
00:54:57.800 --> 00:55:00.400
<v Speaker 1>I still had most of my drink left to order

1255
00:55:00.400 --> 00:55:03.679
<v Speaker 1>another one. Yeah, so that because I knew by the

1256
00:55:03.679 --> 00:55:05.960
<v Speaker 1>time she got back, I would need another one. Also,

1257
00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:08.159
<v Speaker 1>like working in the service industry. I was bartending, I

1258
00:55:08.239 --> 00:55:10.480
<v Speaker 1>was or I was cocktailing and bartending, so I would

1259
00:55:10.519 --> 00:55:13.000
<v Speaker 1>just rip shots all night long.

1260
00:55:13.079 --> 00:55:14.679
<v Speaker 2>And you were doing it. You were able to work

1261
00:55:15.079 --> 00:55:18.480
<v Speaker 2>fucked up. Yeah, wow, that is really impressive to me.

1262
00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:20.920
<v Speaker 2>I'd be like falling physically in a sleep.

1263
00:55:21.079 --> 00:55:22.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, no, I was. Yeah.

1264
00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:26.199
<v Speaker 2>How are you like you just built genetically then predisposed

1265
00:55:26.239 --> 00:55:27.760
<v Speaker 2>to be capable alcoholic?

1266
00:55:27.920 --> 00:55:28.119
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

1267
00:55:28.239 --> 00:55:31.400
<v Speaker 1>I think it's like in our family, it's in our blood.

1268
00:55:31.480 --> 00:55:34.000
<v Speaker 2>Like I would I don't, I could not. I'd be

1269
00:55:34.039 --> 00:55:34.960
<v Speaker 2>like I can't speak.

1270
00:55:35.280 --> 00:55:37.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. No. See. The scariest thing about me and the

1271
00:55:37.880 --> 00:55:40.800
<v Speaker 1>scariest thing about my dad, which you know and love him.

1272
00:55:40.960 --> 00:55:43.000
<v Speaker 1>I got this from my dad, is we can both

1273
00:55:43.000 --> 00:55:45.880
<v Speaker 1>be in a full blackout and be fully coherent.

1274
00:55:46.000 --> 00:55:47.559
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. That's really scary having.

1275
00:55:47.400 --> 00:55:49.800
<v Speaker 1>Like this kind of a conversation with you, and then

1276
00:55:50.280 --> 00:55:52.639
<v Speaker 1>the next day I'll have no idea what was said,

1277
00:55:52.719 --> 00:55:54.840
<v Speaker 1>or that we even saw each other, or that we spoke.

1278
00:55:55.239 --> 00:55:58.320
<v Speaker 1>But there's no signs, there's no slurring, there's no like

1279
00:55:58.440 --> 00:56:01.559
<v Speaker 1>flop sweat, there's nothing other than just chops. What flap

1280
00:56:01.599 --> 00:56:03.519
<v Speaker 1>sweat is like when you know you get drunk and

1281
00:56:03.559 --> 00:56:04.760
<v Speaker 1>you start to get like slimy.

1282
00:56:04.960 --> 00:56:06.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's gross.

1283
00:56:07.039 --> 00:56:07.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

1284
00:56:07.639 --> 00:56:16.159
<v Speaker 2>My most impressive drinking friends. I I actually think they're like,

1285
00:56:16.360 --> 00:56:19.199
<v Speaker 2>they drink so much. I would imagine they're gonna forget,

1286
00:56:19.280 --> 00:56:23.000
<v Speaker 2>but then they remember everything, right, which is also weird. Yeah,

1287
00:56:23.079 --> 00:56:24.880
<v Speaker 2>It's like, I'm like, how are you not blacked out?

1288
00:56:24.960 --> 00:56:26.159
<v Speaker 2>You drink more than anything?

1289
00:56:26.320 --> 00:56:28.239
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean I could bacillate between that two. It

1290
00:56:28.280 --> 00:56:30.320
<v Speaker 1>really depends where you caught me in my drinking career,

1291
00:56:30.400 --> 00:56:32.960
<v Speaker 1>because early on that was me. I would drink so

1292
00:56:33.039 --> 00:56:35.280
<v Speaker 1>much and I would remember everything. Yeah, and then the

1293
00:56:35.360 --> 00:56:37.559
<v Speaker 1>later it got my brain started getting tools in it.

1294
00:56:37.920 --> 00:56:39.880
<v Speaker 2>Do you think because of your tolerance? This is a

1295
00:56:39.920 --> 00:56:42.920
<v Speaker 2>dumb question, you just genuinely what you just keep drinking

1296
00:56:42.920 --> 00:56:44.559
<v Speaker 2>more and more and more and more and more. Does

1297
00:56:44.559 --> 00:56:46.159
<v Speaker 2>it always go like that or is there a certain point?

1298
00:56:46.199 --> 00:56:48.559
<v Speaker 1>It was more and more and more until I hit

1299
00:56:49.280 --> 00:56:51.239
<v Speaker 1>the limit and then it started going down and then

1300
00:56:51.239 --> 00:56:53.119
<v Speaker 1>I would have to drink less to get more fucked up.

1301
00:56:53.159 --> 00:56:55.039
<v Speaker 1>And that's actually like one of the signs of like

1302
00:56:55.119 --> 00:56:57.480
<v Speaker 1>later stage alcoholism, which is kind of scary because I

1303
00:56:57.519 --> 00:56:58.400
<v Speaker 1>hit that in my twenties.

1304
00:56:58.760 --> 00:56:59.239
<v Speaker 2>What is that?

1305
00:56:59.639 --> 00:57:01.519
<v Speaker 1>So it's like it was like a lot, a lot,

1306
00:57:01.559 --> 00:57:03.920
<v Speaker 1>a lot like high school college, it was like I

1307
00:57:03.920 --> 00:57:05.800
<v Speaker 1>was drinking a whole bottle before I even went out,

1308
00:57:05.840 --> 00:57:07.440
<v Speaker 1>and then when I went out, I was still drinking.

1309
00:57:07.519 --> 00:57:09.840
<v Speaker 1>Like I was drinking so fucking much.

1310
00:57:09.960 --> 00:57:10.320
<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

1311
00:57:10.360 --> 00:57:12.519
<v Speaker 1>But then when I was in my twenties and was

1312
00:57:12.559 --> 00:57:15.000
<v Speaker 1>still like drinking, it would take less to get me

1313
00:57:15.280 --> 00:57:17.639
<v Speaker 1>drunk because it's like your body's trying to protect you.

1314
00:57:17.719 --> 00:57:19.239
<v Speaker 1>It's like we know where we're going. We're gonna like

1315
00:57:19.239 --> 00:57:21.039
<v Speaker 1>shut the fucking system down.

1316
00:57:21.440 --> 00:57:23.400
<v Speaker 2>Oh that is scary, you know when you say that, though,

1317
00:57:23.440 --> 00:57:28.840
<v Speaker 2>I actually remember I drink so much my like junior

1318
00:57:28.880 --> 00:57:31.440
<v Speaker 2>senior year of high school that by the time I

1319
00:57:31.480 --> 00:57:33.960
<v Speaker 2>got to college, I was pretty burned out up for

1320
00:57:33.960 --> 00:57:36.719
<v Speaker 2>my sophomore year. Yeah, Like I did most of my

1321
00:57:36.840 --> 00:57:39.199
<v Speaker 2>heavy drinking my senior year of high school. I put

1322
00:57:39.199 --> 00:57:41.559
<v Speaker 2>on so much weight then and then I lost it

1323
00:57:41.599 --> 00:57:45.159
<v Speaker 2>in college. Yeah, because I was like totally drinking way

1324
00:57:45.159 --> 00:57:45.519
<v Speaker 2>too much.

1325
00:57:45.639 --> 00:57:49.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah school, Yeah, I drank the whole the whole time. Yeah,

1326
00:57:49.599 --> 00:57:51.559
<v Speaker 1>and I just thought it was the hottest bitch. And

1327
00:57:51.599 --> 00:57:53.119
<v Speaker 1>then if you see pictures of me in college, I

1328
00:57:53.159 --> 00:57:53.960
<v Speaker 1>had like a beer.

1329
00:57:53.760 --> 00:57:55.880
<v Speaker 2>Belly, Like I was just like, yeah, but you have

1330
00:57:55.960 --> 00:57:58.199
<v Speaker 2>always been hot. But yeah, I.

1331
00:57:58.119 --> 00:57:59.880
<v Speaker 1>Hear you I was tanning twice a day. I looked

1332
00:57:59.920 --> 00:58:06.360
<v Speaker 1>like a fucking a pumpkin. Oh my gosh, what's the

1333
00:58:06.360 --> 00:58:07.920
<v Speaker 1>best worst thing that's ever happened to you? Did you

1334
00:58:07.920 --> 00:58:08.320
<v Speaker 1>answer that?

1335
00:58:08.960 --> 00:58:09.039
<v Speaker 3>No?

1336
00:58:09.159 --> 00:58:13.320
<v Speaker 2>I didn't answer it the best worst thing that's ever

1337
00:58:13.360 --> 00:58:14.800
<v Speaker 2>happened to me. It's hard for me to not like

1338
00:58:14.920 --> 00:58:17.920
<v Speaker 2>be first of all, it's really hard to answer that

1339
00:58:17.960 --> 00:58:21.719
<v Speaker 2>after your answer, right, because it's but also so tragic

1340
00:58:21.760 --> 00:58:23.880
<v Speaker 2>and traumatizing in a way that I'm like, oh my god,

1341
00:58:24.519 --> 00:58:25.840
<v Speaker 2>you know what am I gonna say?

1342
00:58:25.880 --> 00:58:26.320
<v Speaker 5>But like.

1343
00:58:28.480 --> 00:58:30.960
<v Speaker 2>This is just like a theme of anything that you

1344
00:58:31.039 --> 00:58:34.440
<v Speaker 2>go through that you feel is so utterly terrible that

1345
00:58:35.119 --> 00:58:37.119
<v Speaker 2>ends up serving you in all of these ways. And like,

1346
00:58:37.159 --> 00:58:40.960
<v Speaker 2>I just don't I mean, I don't know. I think

1347
00:58:40.960 --> 00:58:43.159
<v Speaker 2>about that like Steve Jobs quote all the time where

1348
00:58:43.159 --> 00:58:46.280
<v Speaker 2>he's like, you can only connect the dots retrospectively, And

1349
00:58:46.320 --> 00:58:48.679
<v Speaker 2>it's true, it's just like every bad thing that happens

1350
00:58:48.719 --> 00:58:51.320
<v Speaker 2>that I'm it's like everything in my life that I

1351
00:58:51.440 --> 00:58:55.800
<v Speaker 2>cling onto so hard. The second I'm actually like authentically

1352
00:58:55.840 --> 00:58:58.159
<v Speaker 2>able to let go of it, all the shit that

1353
00:58:58.239 --> 00:59:02.239
<v Speaker 2>I would have like wanted in the first place comes in. Yeah,

1354
00:59:02.719 --> 00:59:05.559
<v Speaker 2>you know, yeah, So for me, obvious like the thing

1355
00:59:05.559 --> 00:59:08.239
<v Speaker 2>I'm thinking about is like, do you know this like

1356
00:59:08.280 --> 00:59:11.599
<v Speaker 2>horrifying breakup right involved gaslighting and all these things that

1357
00:59:11.760 --> 00:59:12.599
<v Speaker 2>was so painful.

1358
00:59:12.760 --> 00:59:13.800
<v Speaker 1>It was so painful, and.

1359
00:59:13.760 --> 00:59:16.679
<v Speaker 2>Then the after follows the best year of my life,

1360
00:59:16.800 --> 00:59:20.840
<v Speaker 2>like all these things. But yeah, it's just really hard

1361
00:59:20.840 --> 00:59:22.480
<v Speaker 2>when you're like in the middle of something to like

1362
00:59:23.000 --> 00:59:24.079
<v Speaker 2>you can't see.

1363
00:59:24.079 --> 00:59:26.159
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you can't see the what is it? Can't see

1364
00:59:26.199 --> 00:59:27.199
<v Speaker 1>the trees through.

1365
00:59:27.079 --> 00:59:29.840
<v Speaker 2>The forest, something like that, something like that.

1366
00:59:29.840 --> 00:59:32.800
<v Speaker 1>Something like that. What assumptions do you think strangers make

1367
00:59:32.880 --> 00:59:34.960
<v Speaker 1>about me based off my social media?

1368
00:59:35.840 --> 00:59:36.719
<v Speaker 2>You answer it for me?

1369
00:59:37.239 --> 00:59:47.800
<v Speaker 1>For you, Yeah, I think highly intellectual, very very funny.

1370
00:59:48.039 --> 00:59:48.800
<v Speaker 2>It's so nice.

1371
00:59:49.280 --> 00:59:50.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I don't think it's a nice answer.

1372
00:59:51.079 --> 00:59:53.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I thought I was gonna be like rude.

1373
00:59:53.760 --> 00:59:59.280
<v Speaker 1>No, I was getting there, highly highly intellectual because from

1374
00:59:59.320 --> 01:00:03.840
<v Speaker 1>you you're little your little threads, Yeah, those are always

1375
01:00:03.840 --> 01:00:06.599
<v Speaker 1>so funny and smart. And then when you post your clips,

1376
01:00:06.639 --> 01:00:07.880
<v Speaker 1>they're always so funny and smart.

1377
01:00:07.960 --> 01:00:08.440
<v Speaker 2>Oh thank you.

1378
01:00:10.519 --> 01:00:14.079
<v Speaker 1>But what people assume based off your social media is

1379
01:00:14.119 --> 01:00:18.280
<v Speaker 1>that is that they think you're happy, and I know

1380
01:00:18.320 --> 01:00:20.880
<v Speaker 1>you're not. No, I think they think you're dating your

1381
01:00:20.880 --> 01:00:21.800
<v Speaker 1>best friend, right though.

1382
01:00:21.760 --> 01:00:24.719
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, totally, I know that though they all reply, yeah.

1383
01:00:24.559 --> 01:00:29.039
<v Speaker 1>Okay, Well, and I just wonder, as another one of

1384
01:00:29.079 --> 01:00:31.159
<v Speaker 1>your close friends, why you never post me. I'm just kidding.

1385
01:00:32.000 --> 01:00:33.119
<v Speaker 1>I actually don't care.

1386
01:00:33.199 --> 01:00:35.599
<v Speaker 2>Like I posted you a week ago.

1387
01:00:35.800 --> 01:00:36.559
<v Speaker 1>I was just kidding.

1388
01:00:36.679 --> 01:00:38.719
<v Speaker 2>You know, you're not or truth than just you do

1389
01:00:38.800 --> 01:00:39.159
<v Speaker 2>wonder that?

1390
01:00:39.360 --> 01:00:40.559
<v Speaker 1>No, I actually don't.

1391
01:00:41.679 --> 01:00:45.960
<v Speaker 2>I do post like six people, yeah, three of which

1392
01:00:45.960 --> 01:00:46.840
<v Speaker 2>are on heavy rotation.

1393
01:00:47.079 --> 01:00:51.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, okay. What do you think people think about

1394
01:00:51.760 --> 01:00:53.440
<v Speaker 1>me based off my social media.

1395
01:00:55.719 --> 01:01:00.519
<v Speaker 2>Or disaster or yeah, or just because of the brain colors?

1396
01:01:01.760 --> 01:01:03.679
<v Speaker 2>You wear a lot of bright colors. Probably, I think

1397
01:01:03.679 --> 01:01:06.440
<v Speaker 2>that's why. But you also like you're so it's what

1398
01:01:06.480 --> 01:01:08.559
<v Speaker 2>I also like love about you, and it's the same

1399
01:01:08.559 --> 01:01:12.079
<v Speaker 2>reason people think you're a whore like you are so

1400
01:01:14.480 --> 01:01:19.719
<v Speaker 2>like radically and honestly yourself. And it first of all,

1401
01:01:19.719 --> 01:01:21.440
<v Speaker 2>it does a few things. One is it does what

1402
01:01:21.679 --> 01:01:23.400
<v Speaker 2>it did to the start of our friendship, where it

1403
01:01:23.440 --> 01:01:25.880
<v Speaker 2>makes people really intimidated by you and we like hated

1404
01:01:25.920 --> 01:01:27.679
<v Speaker 2>each other at first, which is a fun story that

1405
01:01:27.760 --> 01:01:29.920
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if we've talked about on here, but

1406
01:01:30.400 --> 01:01:34.119
<v Speaker 2>you know, it's intimidating. But the other thing it does

1407
01:01:34.320 --> 01:01:37.719
<v Speaker 2>is it gives people permission to just be themselves around you.

1408
01:01:38.199 --> 01:01:41.039
<v Speaker 2>In a way that like I like really appreciate. Like

1409
01:01:41.079 --> 01:01:45.559
<v Speaker 2>I have this relationship with my youngest sister, specifically Sammy,

1410
01:01:45.599 --> 01:01:49.280
<v Speaker 2>where like I feel like I could say anything to

1411
01:01:49.320 --> 01:01:53.519
<v Speaker 2>her that like usually should be dripping in shame, like

1412
01:01:53.760 --> 01:01:58.000
<v Speaker 2>choices or my feelings about something, and we can laugh

1413
01:01:58.039 --> 01:02:01.559
<v Speaker 2>about it. And I have that same sense with you

1414
01:02:02.239 --> 01:02:04.840
<v Speaker 2>that like it's almost just you shine a light on

1415
01:02:04.880 --> 01:02:08.320
<v Speaker 2>something that's like should be so dark about something, and

1416
01:02:08.360 --> 01:02:13.000
<v Speaker 2>then it becomes really funny. Yeah, and it's very freeing.

1417
01:02:13.320 --> 01:02:14.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

1418
01:02:14.480 --> 01:02:19.400
<v Speaker 2>And I think that people maybe assume from they don't

1419
01:02:19.559 --> 01:02:22.199
<v Speaker 2>it's actually that they don't get to feel. I think

1420
01:02:22.280 --> 01:02:25.320
<v Speaker 2>like how like soft you are, right, and like big

1421
01:02:25.320 --> 01:02:29.039
<v Speaker 2>hearted you are, because like you can be like very

1422
01:02:29.119 --> 01:02:32.800
<v Speaker 2>like dark and promiscuous and like loud, like these things

1423
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:34.639
<v Speaker 2>that people are like, there's no way she's like she's

1424
01:02:34.719 --> 01:02:38.800
<v Speaker 2>really sensitive. Yeah, and like you're not like a thoughtless person,

1425
01:02:39.400 --> 01:02:42.159
<v Speaker 2>you know. And I think that just you're edging in

1426
01:02:42.199 --> 01:02:44.400
<v Speaker 2>a way that people are like she's not thinking or something,

1427
01:02:44.639 --> 01:02:45.360
<v Speaker 2>and it's not true.

1428
01:02:45.559 --> 01:02:47.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I think a lot of times people and I

1429
01:02:47.320 --> 01:02:48.960
<v Speaker 1>don't know if this is based off my social media

1430
01:02:49.000 --> 01:02:52.679
<v Speaker 1>are just my general demeanor. People are always like I

1431
01:02:52.679 --> 01:02:54.519
<v Speaker 1>thought you were going to be such a bitch. Yeah,

1432
01:02:54.559 --> 01:02:55.840
<v Speaker 1>Like I thought you were going to be such a

1433
01:02:55.880 --> 01:02:59.880
<v Speaker 1>huge bitch. And I'm like, because I can be by

1434
01:03:00.039 --> 01:03:02.119
<v Speaker 1>the way I can be, But that's not what That's

1435
01:03:02.119 --> 01:03:02.840
<v Speaker 1>not how I lead.

1436
01:03:03.159 --> 01:03:05.440
<v Speaker 2>Also, just like cowt girls, I've talked about this in general,

1437
01:03:05.639 --> 01:03:08.320
<v Speaker 2>just like people don't think cockgirls are gonna ever be nice, right,

1438
01:03:08.559 --> 01:03:10.559
<v Speaker 2>it's not even nice. Nice is the wrong word. I

1439
01:03:10.559 --> 01:03:13.280
<v Speaker 2>think that you're like big feeling and like you do

1440
01:03:13.400 --> 01:03:15.360
<v Speaker 2>care about some people. Mm.

1441
01:03:15.440 --> 01:03:16.880
<v Speaker 1>So you want to borrow my nions. You want to

1442
01:03:16.880 --> 01:03:17.960
<v Speaker 1>borrow my neans.

1443
01:03:17.599 --> 01:03:19.800
<v Speaker 2>Babe, I don't like you know, I just did my colors.

1444
01:03:20.119 --> 01:03:22.760
<v Speaker 1>You hate neons now, literally told me when you were

1445
01:03:22.800 --> 01:03:24.239
<v Speaker 1>I was going to meet your friends here, You're like,

1446
01:03:24.280 --> 01:03:26.519
<v Speaker 1>don't wear neons and look like a whore. I was like,

1447
01:03:26.679 --> 01:03:28.239
<v Speaker 1>oh my god, is that what you think of me?

1448
01:03:28.559 --> 01:03:30.800
<v Speaker 2>No, But like neons are just first of all, it

1449
01:03:30.840 --> 01:03:31.400
<v Speaker 2>was a shabbat.

1450
01:03:31.800 --> 01:03:34.280
<v Speaker 1>Totally, I've never wear you to a shabbat.

1451
01:03:34.360 --> 01:03:36.280
<v Speaker 2>Okay, Well, I'm just saying they pull focus in a

1452
01:03:36.320 --> 01:03:37.480
<v Speaker 2>scary way sometimes.

1453
01:03:37.960 --> 01:03:41.000
<v Speaker 1>Also, this is what I'm going to say, This is

1454
01:03:41.000 --> 01:03:42.159
<v Speaker 1>what I'm going to say to you. No, I love

1455
01:03:42.199 --> 01:03:42.800
<v Speaker 1>that we're honest and.

1456
01:03:42.840 --> 01:03:44.519
<v Speaker 2>By the way, You've given me a full beauty makeover.

1457
01:03:44.559 --> 01:03:46.119
<v Speaker 2>You sat me down, you told me my hair's too short.

1458
01:03:46.119 --> 01:03:47.440
<v Speaker 2>I need to fix my nose, I need to fix

1459
01:03:47.440 --> 01:03:49.280
<v Speaker 2>my lips. I need filler, I need botogs. Here, you

1460
01:03:49.639 --> 01:03:51.400
<v Speaker 2>and I followed your step by step plan. I got

1461
01:03:51.440 --> 01:03:53.400
<v Speaker 2>a tan, I lost like five pounds, and I've never

1462
01:03:53.480 --> 01:03:55.480
<v Speaker 2>gotten more compounds in my life. Other people will not

1463
01:03:55.559 --> 01:03:57.920
<v Speaker 2>listen to your programming in terms of your beauty plan

1464
01:03:58.000 --> 01:04:00.199
<v Speaker 2>for them. I fucking did step by step.

1465
01:04:00.079 --> 01:04:03.079
<v Speaker 1>And you're and you've never been hot.

1466
01:04:03.280 --> 01:04:03.920
<v Speaker 2>You gave vehicle.

1467
01:04:04.000 --> 01:04:05.880
<v Speaker 1>Literally, I didn't tell you to lose weight, though you

1468
01:04:05.920 --> 01:04:09.360
<v Speaker 1>did that on your own. Okay, the neon. This is

1469
01:04:09.360 --> 01:04:11.239
<v Speaker 1>what I'm going to tell you, because it's there's a

1470
01:04:11.239 --> 01:04:13.239
<v Speaker 1>method to my madness. So when I put my first

1471
01:04:13.239 --> 01:04:16.039
<v Speaker 1>special out, how a Housewife, every single one of those

1472
01:04:16.079 --> 01:04:18.519
<v Speaker 1>clips went viral, every single one, And I was in

1473
01:04:18.559 --> 01:04:23.400
<v Speaker 1>a bright pink blazer. When I put Horning out, zero

1474
01:04:23.679 --> 01:04:27.199
<v Speaker 1>of them went viral and I was in all black. Okay,

1475
01:04:27.280 --> 01:04:29.159
<v Speaker 1>And then when I put the Don't Tell special out,

1476
01:04:29.239 --> 01:04:32.079
<v Speaker 1>I was wearing a bright blue blazer and neon underneath

1477
01:04:33.199 --> 01:04:36.079
<v Speaker 1>viral again, and so then I noticed a pattern, and

1478
01:04:36.119 --> 01:04:38.039
<v Speaker 1>I was like when I wear bright collars and say

1479
01:04:38.159 --> 01:04:40.159
<v Speaker 1>dark things, people.

1480
01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:44.199
<v Speaker 2>Are like, wow, okay, fine, it's almost like charactery. Yeah, yeah,

1481
01:04:44.239 --> 01:04:46.000
<v Speaker 2>it's that's smart and I could see that.

1482
01:04:46.079 --> 01:04:47.679
<v Speaker 1>So then when I did it again with Don't Tell,

1483
01:04:47.719 --> 01:04:49.800
<v Speaker 1>and I wore that neon and it went viral again. Okay,

1484
01:04:49.800 --> 01:04:51.960
<v Speaker 1>so I think I have a formula. Yeah you do,

1485
01:04:52.079 --> 01:04:56.719
<v Speaker 1>and I'm a whore. And also, okay, we're gonna cut

1486
01:04:56.760 --> 01:04:59.039
<v Speaker 1>over to the Patreon Come join us. Okay, hi, honeys,

1487
01:04:59.039 --> 01:05:00.840
<v Speaker 1>if you're going on the artist Way journey with me.

1488
01:05:00.960 --> 01:05:03.320
<v Speaker 1>We are back this week after taking a week off

1489
01:05:03.360 --> 01:05:07.920
<v Speaker 1>because I lost my book. This week is recovering a

1490
01:05:08.000 --> 01:05:12.679
<v Speaker 1>sense of strength the week eight. This week tackles another

1491
01:05:12.800 --> 01:05:16.719
<v Speaker 1>major creative block. Time. You will explore the ways in

1492
01:05:16.760 --> 01:05:19.159
<v Speaker 1>which you have used your perception of time to preclude

1493
01:05:19.239 --> 01:05:23.360
<v Speaker 1>taking creative risks. You will identify immediate and practical changes

1494
01:05:23.400 --> 01:05:25.840
<v Speaker 1>you can make in your current life. You will excavate

1495
01:05:26.559 --> 01:05:29.360
<v Speaker 1>the early conditioning that may have encouraged you to settle

1496
01:05:29.840 --> 01:05:35.079
<v Speaker 1>for far less than you desire. Creatively, survival, one of

1497
01:05:35.119 --> 01:05:37.719
<v Speaker 1>the most difficult tasks and an artist must face, is

1498
01:05:37.760 --> 01:05:41.360
<v Speaker 1>a primal one, artistic survival. All artists must learn the

1499
01:05:41.480 --> 01:05:44.679
<v Speaker 1>art of surviving loss, loss of hope, loss of face,

1500
01:05:44.760 --> 01:05:47.519
<v Speaker 1>loss of money, loss of self belief. In addition to

1501
01:05:47.559 --> 01:05:52.079
<v Speaker 1>our many gains, we inevitably suffer losses over our artistic career.

1502
01:05:53.199 --> 01:05:55.360
<v Speaker 1>We have to acknowledge it and share it, right, because

1503
01:05:55.360 --> 01:05:57.360
<v Speaker 1>when you lose something, when you make something and it

1504
01:05:57.360 --> 01:05:59.719
<v Speaker 1>doesn't go the way you want or it doesn't get

1505
01:05:59.719 --> 01:06:02.199
<v Speaker 1>as far as you want. You know, I've like written

1506
01:06:02.199 --> 01:06:05.440
<v Speaker 1>pilots and I've done things and I've put them out

1507
01:06:05.440 --> 01:06:09.199
<v Speaker 1>into the world and not so many copies sold, you know,

1508
01:06:09.239 --> 01:06:13.079
<v Speaker 1>with my book, like not so many copies sold. I

1509
01:06:13.119 --> 01:06:15.360
<v Speaker 1>have written pilots that I like, really deeply believe in

1510
01:06:15.480 --> 01:06:19.079
<v Speaker 1>and they don't get bought. And I think it's important

1511
01:06:19.079 --> 01:06:22.400
<v Speaker 1>to take time to mourn those losses because you are

1512
01:06:23.079 --> 01:06:25.280
<v Speaker 1>pouring your soul out and you do hope that it

1513
01:06:25.280 --> 01:06:28.079
<v Speaker 1>gets received well, and not everything does. And I think like,

1514
01:06:28.199 --> 01:06:30.679
<v Speaker 1>in order to mourn those losses, you have to acknowledge them,

1515
01:06:30.719 --> 01:06:34.039
<v Speaker 1>and in order to heal them, you have to share them.

1516
01:06:34.199 --> 01:06:36.639
<v Speaker 1>So you have to share with someone that you trust

1517
01:06:36.639 --> 01:06:38.400
<v Speaker 1>that's going to be a safe space for you during

1518
01:06:38.400 --> 01:06:41.320
<v Speaker 1>this process about what it feels like to lose that.

1519
01:06:41.480 --> 01:06:44.440
<v Speaker 1>And in the book, it's comparing this type of loss

1520
01:06:45.039 --> 01:06:49.480
<v Speaker 1>to a miscarriage. Right, Like women, when we lose babies

1521
01:06:49.559 --> 01:06:52.280
<v Speaker 1>or don't bring babies to term, we spend a great

1522
01:06:52.320 --> 01:06:56.400
<v Speaker 1>deal of time mourning the loss of you know what,

1523
01:06:56.920 --> 01:07:00.800
<v Speaker 1>what could have been. And this is similar with artistic

1524
01:07:00.920 --> 01:07:03.079
<v Speaker 1>pursuits that don't go the way we want, or they

1525
01:07:03.119 --> 01:07:05.880
<v Speaker 1>never see the light of day, or you make something

1526
01:07:05.920 --> 01:07:09.320
<v Speaker 1>wonderful and it gets shelved. Like, we just need to

1527
01:07:09.320 --> 01:07:11.480
<v Speaker 1>make sure that we are giving time and space to

1528
01:07:11.559 --> 01:07:20.840
<v Speaker 1>properly mourn these things. True, just the disappointing reception of

1529
01:07:20.880 --> 01:07:23.000
<v Speaker 1>a good piece of work, the inability to move across

1530
01:07:23.039 --> 01:07:24.800
<v Speaker 1>into different mediums or a type of role due to

1531
01:07:24.800 --> 01:07:28.760
<v Speaker 1>other people's expectations are artistic losses that must be mourned.

1532
01:07:29.039 --> 01:07:32.199
<v Speaker 1>Perhaps the most damaging form of artistic loss has to

1533
01:07:32.199 --> 01:07:34.840
<v Speaker 1>do with criticism. Okay, so this one's really big, right,

1534
01:07:34.920 --> 01:07:38.679
<v Speaker 1>because we can get a piece of criticism that can

1535
01:07:38.880 --> 01:07:41.679
<v Speaker 1>derail us for years. And I had this happen when

1536
01:07:41.679 --> 01:07:45.119
<v Speaker 1>I first started doing comedy. My aunt told me, she said,

1537
01:07:45.960 --> 01:07:48.119
<v Speaker 1>you know, if you keep going with this comedy thing,

1538
01:07:48.159 --> 01:07:50.239
<v Speaker 1>it's really not going to be great for your position

1539
01:07:50.280 --> 01:07:53.480
<v Speaker 1>in the family. I mean, I made a joke about

1540
01:07:53.480 --> 01:07:55.800
<v Speaker 1>my grandma I like mocked her accent or something. She

1541
01:07:55.880 --> 01:07:58.079
<v Speaker 1>was from Britain and I've made it, but it was

1542
01:07:58.119 --> 01:07:59.800
<v Speaker 1>a funny joke, I was. What was it?

1543
01:07:59.800 --> 01:07:59.960
<v Speaker 3>It was?

1544
01:08:00.440 --> 01:08:02.719
<v Speaker 1>It's like, it's hard talking to your grandparents about dating

1545
01:08:02.760 --> 01:08:07.119
<v Speaker 1>because it's changed so much since back in the day.

1546
01:08:07.199 --> 01:08:09.119
<v Speaker 1>You know, I'm talking to my grandma on the phone.

1547
01:08:09.159 --> 01:08:10.960
<v Speaker 1>She's like, ohould go to the movie? Did you go

1548
01:08:11.039 --> 01:08:15.400
<v Speaker 1>to the movie or would you go to them? Do

1549
01:08:15.400 --> 01:08:17.159
<v Speaker 1>you go to the movie and get a milkshake? And

1550
01:08:17.199 --> 01:08:19.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, yeah, Grandma. Then afterwards we did the jitterbug,

1551
01:08:19.680 --> 01:08:22.479
<v Speaker 1>and by jitterbug I mean anal That was the whole joke.

1552
01:08:22.560 --> 01:08:25.000
<v Speaker 1>But my aunt told me basically if I kept doing comedy,

1553
01:08:25.079 --> 01:08:27.439
<v Speaker 1>I would not have a place in the family. And

1554
01:08:27.640 --> 01:08:33.039
<v Speaker 1>I was so hurt by that criticism that, like it

1555
01:08:33.159 --> 01:08:38.399
<v Speaker 1>really put a damper on me and my steam to

1556
01:08:38.520 --> 01:08:42.279
<v Speaker 1>go forward. So I think we can get criticism from

1557
01:08:42.319 --> 01:08:45.359
<v Speaker 1>well meaning people, we can get criticism from fucking controls

1558
01:08:45.399 --> 01:08:47.560
<v Speaker 1>on the internet, we can get criticism from all over

1559
01:08:47.600 --> 01:08:51.479
<v Speaker 1>the place, and it can really fuck us up, you know.

1560
01:08:51.680 --> 01:08:54.600
<v Speaker 1>So you just have to take time to mourn, mourn

1561
01:08:54.800 --> 01:08:59.399
<v Speaker 1>the piece of you that was hurt and kind of

1562
01:08:59.479 --> 01:09:03.119
<v Speaker 1>move on from that personal and nature nebulous as to specifics.

1563
01:09:03.119 --> 01:09:06.560
<v Speaker 1>This criticism is like covert sexual harassment, a sullying yet

1564
01:09:06.560 --> 01:09:10.600
<v Speaker 1>hard to quantify experience. The student emerges feeling shamed like

1565
01:09:10.640 --> 01:09:17.479
<v Speaker 1>a bad artist or worse, like a fool. So we

1566
01:09:17.600 --> 01:09:19.840
<v Speaker 1>just have to be we have to be very very

1567
01:09:19.880 --> 01:09:23.199
<v Speaker 1>careful about who we're letting view our work, especially in

1568
01:09:23.239 --> 01:09:28.560
<v Speaker 1>the beginning, who were opening it up to to criticize,

1569
01:09:29.039 --> 01:09:32.399
<v Speaker 1>because even if it's subtle or just like people take

1570
01:09:32.479 --> 01:09:34.640
<v Speaker 1>like little digs at you, they can build up and

1571
01:09:34.680 --> 01:09:36.319
<v Speaker 1>they can start to feel really bad and then they

1572
01:09:36.319 --> 01:09:40.079
<v Speaker 1>can kind of shut you down, and that'll kind of

1573
01:09:40.079 --> 01:09:42.600
<v Speaker 1>turn into artistic scar tissue where you're not going to

1574
01:09:42.600 --> 01:09:43.880
<v Speaker 1>be able to move forward. You're not going to be

1575
01:09:43.880 --> 01:09:45.479
<v Speaker 1>able to create the next thing because you're going to

1576
01:09:45.520 --> 01:09:47.720
<v Speaker 1>feel so bad about the first thing that you created

1577
01:09:47.760 --> 01:09:52.199
<v Speaker 1>that you can't you can't move forward. And a lot

1578
01:09:52.199 --> 01:09:55.119
<v Speaker 1>of times this will come from people in positions of power, right,

1579
01:09:55.159 --> 01:09:57.159
<v Speaker 1>This will come from teachers. This will come from people

1580
01:09:57.239 --> 01:09:59.920
<v Speaker 1>that are themselves creatively stuck and they don't want you

1581
01:10:00.119 --> 01:10:02.359
<v Speaker 1>you to break out in a way that they never

1582
01:10:02.399 --> 01:10:06.479
<v Speaker 1>were able to. So oftentimes, like if you're in school

1583
01:10:08.000 --> 01:10:12.039
<v Speaker 1>for film or art, or advertising or anything whatever. You're

1584
01:10:12.079 --> 01:10:15.520
<v Speaker 1>in school for a lot of times. You know, there's

1585
01:10:15.560 --> 01:10:18.560
<v Speaker 1>that old saying, if you can't do teach, and while

1586
01:10:18.560 --> 01:10:20.439
<v Speaker 1>I don't think it's always true, I think there there

1587
01:10:20.520 --> 01:10:22.079
<v Speaker 1>is a lot of truth to it. There's a lot

1588
01:10:22.119 --> 01:10:24.640
<v Speaker 1>of validity in that. You have to be really careful

1589
01:10:25.239 --> 01:10:28.479
<v Speaker 1>making sure that you don't take teachers feedback too seriously,

1590
01:10:28.560 --> 01:10:30.840
<v Speaker 1>because a lot of them are just people that wanted

1591
01:10:30.920 --> 01:10:33.279
<v Speaker 1>to do the thing, and they couldn't get past kind

1592
01:10:33.319 --> 01:10:41.640
<v Speaker 1>of their creative the creative not blocks, but the creative Gosh,

1593
01:10:42.119 --> 01:10:44.680
<v Speaker 1>they couldn't get past I'm like having a fucking brain

1594
01:10:44.720 --> 01:10:48.640
<v Speaker 1>aneurysm right now. They couldn't get past people like putting

1595
01:10:48.640 --> 01:10:50.600
<v Speaker 1>them down and criticizing them, and so they kind of

1596
01:10:50.600 --> 01:10:53.079
<v Speaker 1>shrunk into something smaller, which is, you know, a teacher

1597
01:10:53.119 --> 01:10:55.720
<v Speaker 1>and somebody who can then kind of pass down that

1598
01:10:55.760 --> 01:10:58.720
<v Speaker 1>sort of artistic trauma to the next victim, which ends

1599
01:10:58.800 --> 01:11:01.439
<v Speaker 1>up being their students. So just be very careful for

1600
01:11:01.520 --> 01:11:05.319
<v Speaker 1>people in power when you are pursuing a creative life,

1601
01:11:06.880 --> 01:11:09.199
<v Speaker 1>because those are often people that are unable or unwilling

1602
01:11:09.239 --> 01:11:13.000
<v Speaker 1>to expose themselves to the rigors and disappointments of creating themselves.

1603
01:11:13.279 --> 01:11:17.159
<v Speaker 1>They alternately over control and undercut their best endeavors, seeking

1604
01:11:17.359 --> 01:11:21.399
<v Speaker 1>vicariously to fulfill or justify their own position on the sidelines.

1605
01:11:23.439 --> 01:11:25.920
<v Speaker 1>And here's what we need. All of us need encouragement.

1606
01:11:25.960 --> 01:11:28.000
<v Speaker 1>I want to give you encouragement to create. You need

1607
01:11:28.039 --> 01:11:30.600
<v Speaker 1>to be encouraged to create, like we all just need

1608
01:11:30.600 --> 01:11:34.239
<v Speaker 1>to have each other's back in the creative process. As artists,

1609
01:11:34.239 --> 01:11:36.079
<v Speaker 1>we are like little kids. We do need a lot

1610
01:11:36.119 --> 01:11:38.600
<v Speaker 1>of love and care. And so just make sure you're

1611
01:11:38.600 --> 01:11:40.239
<v Speaker 1>giving that to yourself. And if you can't give it

1612
01:11:40.239 --> 01:11:42.119
<v Speaker 1>to yourself, find someone in your life who can be

1613
01:11:42.199 --> 01:11:47.039
<v Speaker 1>there for you in that capacity. Don't become over the

1614
01:11:47.399 --> 01:11:51.760
<v Speaker 1>cerebral that will cripple you. Artists and intellectuals are not

1615
01:11:51.880 --> 01:12:00.239
<v Speaker 1>the same animals. Many gifted artists languish for years in

1616
01:12:00.319 --> 01:12:03.079
<v Speaker 1>wake of such blows, Shamed at their supposed lack of

1617
01:12:03.159 --> 01:12:06.039
<v Speaker 1>talent their grandiose dreams. The young artists may channel their

1618
01:12:06.039 --> 01:12:08.439
<v Speaker 1>gifts into commercial endeavors and then forget their dreams of

1619
01:12:08.479 --> 01:12:11.880
<v Speaker 1>doing more groundbreaking and risky work. They may work as

1620
01:12:12.000 --> 01:12:15.279
<v Speaker 1>editors instead of writers, film editors instead of directors, commercial

1621
01:12:15.399 --> 01:12:18.159
<v Speaker 1>artists instead of fine artists. In order to recover our

1622
01:12:18.239 --> 01:12:20.960
<v Speaker 1>sense of hope and courage to create. We must acknowledge

1623
01:12:21.000 --> 01:12:24.560
<v Speaker 1>and mourn the scars that are blocking us. Like the

1624
01:12:24.600 --> 01:12:26.640
<v Speaker 1>career of any athlete, you guys were gonna get hurt,

1625
01:12:26.680 --> 01:12:29.199
<v Speaker 1>all right. We're gonna have losses, We're gonna have injuries.

1626
01:12:29.279 --> 01:12:32.039
<v Speaker 1>We are going to look back on our creative careers

1627
01:12:32.079 --> 01:12:35.359
<v Speaker 1>and be like, ooh, I you know, that wasn't my best.

1628
01:12:35.439 --> 01:12:39.399
<v Speaker 1>That wasn't my best, that wasn't my best work. The

1629
01:12:39.399 --> 01:12:41.199
<v Speaker 1>trick is to survive them, to learn how to let

1630
01:12:41.239 --> 01:12:44.760
<v Speaker 1>yourself heal. No inventory of our artistic injuries would be

1631
01:12:44.800 --> 01:12:49.279
<v Speaker 1>complete without acknowledging those wounds that are self inflicted. Here's

1632
01:12:49.319 --> 01:12:52.039
<v Speaker 1>the other thing. Sometimes gain is disguised as loss. Right,

1633
01:12:52.119 --> 01:12:55.079
<v Speaker 1>every loss must always be viewed as a potential gain.

1634
01:12:55.199 --> 01:12:58.000
<v Speaker 1>It's all in the framing. Every end is a beginning.

1635
01:12:58.079 --> 01:12:59.800
<v Speaker 1>We know that, but we tend to forget that as

1636
01:12:59.800 --> 01:13:02.439
<v Speaker 1>we move through grief. I don't relate to anything more

1637
01:13:02.479 --> 01:13:05.159
<v Speaker 1>than this sentence in this chapter. I am in such

1638
01:13:05.359 --> 01:13:10.800
<v Speaker 1>a state of personal grief right now that I can't

1639
01:13:10.920 --> 01:13:16.199
<v Speaker 1>understand what it's all for. But I know intellectually, because

1640
01:13:16.199 --> 01:13:17.920
<v Speaker 1>I've been through so much pain in my life before,

1641
01:13:17.920 --> 01:13:19.760
<v Speaker 1>that something great is on the other side of this.

1642
01:13:21.960 --> 01:13:24.279
<v Speaker 1>Struck by a loss, we focus understandably on what we

1643
01:13:24.359 --> 01:13:27.319
<v Speaker 1>leave behind, the lost stream of the work, successful fruition,

1644
01:13:27.399 --> 01:13:29.960
<v Speaker 1>and its buoyant reception. We need to focus on what

1645
01:13:30.000 --> 01:13:32.479
<v Speaker 1>lies ahead. This can be tricky. We may not know

1646
01:13:32.520 --> 01:13:35.279
<v Speaker 1>what lies ahead, and if the present hurts this badly,

1647
01:13:35.399 --> 01:13:38.760
<v Speaker 1>we tend to view the future as impending pain. How

1648
01:13:38.800 --> 01:13:41.119
<v Speaker 1>can this loss serve me? Where does this point my work?

1649
01:13:41.159 --> 01:13:43.279
<v Speaker 1>Those are questions you need to ask yourself. The trick

1650
01:13:43.359 --> 01:13:47.520
<v Speaker 1>is to metabolize pain as energy. If you're only willing

1651
01:13:47.560 --> 01:13:49.319
<v Speaker 1>to look at your work differently or walk through a

1652
01:13:49.319 --> 01:13:53.520
<v Speaker 1>different door. Yeah, so this is like, make sure you

1653
01:13:53.640 --> 01:13:56.920
<v Speaker 1>know that every time you suffer a creative loss or

1654
01:13:56.960 --> 01:13:59.239
<v Speaker 1>a loss in life like this goes you know. This

1655
01:13:59.359 --> 01:14:03.720
<v Speaker 1>is sorry New York. It's sirens all the time. This

1656
01:14:03.920 --> 01:14:06.920
<v Speaker 1>is a personal message and a creative message. Like when

1657
01:14:06.960 --> 01:14:09.079
<v Speaker 1>you're in the shit and you can't see the other

1658
01:14:09.159 --> 01:14:13.199
<v Speaker 1>side of it, just know that, Like, just trust the process.

1659
01:14:13.319 --> 01:14:16.640
<v Speaker 1>The pain is important. The failures are teaching you something,

1660
01:14:17.359 --> 01:14:21.319
<v Speaker 1>and you've got to just keep going. Whenever I've taken

1661
01:14:21.399 --> 01:14:24.039
<v Speaker 1>no for a final answer, I've stalled, stalled and gotten stuck,

1662
01:14:24.439 --> 01:14:27.199
<v Speaker 1>I've learned that the key to career resiliency is self

1663
01:14:27.199 --> 01:14:31.600
<v Speaker 1>empowerment and choice. Also, it's really hard to hit a

1664
01:14:31.600 --> 01:14:33.520
<v Speaker 1>moving target. So if you just keep going, even if

1665
01:14:33.560 --> 01:14:37.199
<v Speaker 1>you fall down creatively and something happens that's not aligned

1666
01:14:37.239 --> 01:14:39.399
<v Speaker 1>with the version of yourself that you wanted to kind

1667
01:14:39.439 --> 01:14:42.760
<v Speaker 1>of get to creatively. Just like you know, a play

1668
01:14:42.840 --> 01:14:46.279
<v Speaker 1>gets rejected, a piece of art gets reject whatever it is,

1669
01:14:46.319 --> 01:14:49.720
<v Speaker 1>whatever the rejection or the sadness that you're experiencing as

1670
01:14:49.720 --> 01:14:52.079
<v Speaker 1>an artist, it cannot hit a moving target. So you

1671
01:14:52.159 --> 01:14:53.960
<v Speaker 1>just have to keep going. You just the next day,

1672
01:14:54.399 --> 01:14:57.760
<v Speaker 1>even after you're in you know, an insurmountable amount of pain,

1673
01:14:57.840 --> 01:15:00.680
<v Speaker 1>you just have to put pen to paper, write your

1674
01:15:00.720 --> 01:15:04.439
<v Speaker 1>morning pages, do your artist dates, do just the little

1675
01:15:04.479 --> 01:15:06.600
<v Speaker 1>things that are taking care of you and your inner artist,

1676
01:15:06.680 --> 01:15:09.560
<v Speaker 1>and make sure that you just keep moving because you

1677
01:15:09.560 --> 01:15:11.640
<v Speaker 1>can't hit a moving target. But if you slow down

1678
01:15:11.760 --> 01:15:14.119
<v Speaker 1>enough and if you let kind of the grief and

1679
01:15:14.159 --> 01:15:18.920
<v Speaker 1>the sadness take over, then it does become creative scar tissue. Okay,

1680
01:15:20.079 --> 01:15:23.159
<v Speaker 1>don't let the bastards get you down. Honey, I'm gonna

1681
01:15:23.159 --> 01:15:25.199
<v Speaker 1>get this fucking tattooed. Who wants to get tattoo? Should

1682
01:15:25.199 --> 01:15:31.520
<v Speaker 1>we all get bestie tats? None illegitamay take car boorundum.

1683
01:15:32.680 --> 01:15:36.800
<v Speaker 1>None illegitima tae carborundum. Don't let the bastards get you down.

1684
01:15:36.800 --> 01:15:38.439
<v Speaker 1>That used to be on prisoner of war camps, that

1685
01:15:38.439 --> 01:15:42.199
<v Speaker 1>should be on our fucking foreheads. Artists who take this

1686
01:15:42.199 --> 01:15:44.840
<v Speaker 1>to heart survive and often prevail. The key here is action.

1687
01:15:45.079 --> 01:15:48.159
<v Speaker 1>Pain that is not used profitably quickly solidifies into a

1688
01:15:48.199 --> 01:15:51.560
<v Speaker 1>laden heart, which means any which makes any action difficult.

1689
01:15:51.840 --> 01:15:54.600
<v Speaker 1>When faced with loss, immediately take one small action to

1690
01:15:54.640 --> 01:15:56.800
<v Speaker 1>support your artist, even if you're doing all you're doing

1691
01:15:56.840 --> 01:15:58.560
<v Speaker 1>is buying a bunch of tulips and a sketch pad.

1692
01:15:58.600 --> 01:16:01.079
<v Speaker 1>Your action says I acknowledge you your pain. I promise

1693
01:16:01.119 --> 01:16:07.439
<v Speaker 1>you a future worth having, age in time, product and process. Okay,

1694
01:16:07.479 --> 01:16:09.439
<v Speaker 1>how many times have we all said I'm too old

1695
01:16:09.439 --> 01:16:11.520
<v Speaker 1>to do that. I can't learn to act, I can't

1696
01:16:11.600 --> 01:16:13.920
<v Speaker 1>learn to play the piano, I can't learn to do this.

1697
01:16:14.000 --> 01:16:16.119
<v Speaker 1>I can't I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm to this,

1698
01:16:16.239 --> 01:16:18.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm too that, whatever the whatever it is. I'm too broke,

1699
01:16:18.720 --> 01:16:21.479
<v Speaker 1>I don't have the money, I'm too enough. It's just

1700
01:16:21.520 --> 01:16:25.960
<v Speaker 1>a block, all right, It's just a block. It's always

1701
01:16:26.119 --> 01:16:29.239
<v Speaker 1>used to avoid facing fear. When you say I'm too old,

1702
01:16:29.279 --> 01:16:32.640
<v Speaker 1>you're just afraid. That's it. Whatever you're afraid of I've

1703
01:16:32.640 --> 01:16:35.000
<v Speaker 1>talked about this before. I fear is your compass. Go

1704
01:16:35.119 --> 01:16:37.840
<v Speaker 1>towards it. Okay, I'm afraid of acting. I need to

1705
01:16:37.840 --> 01:16:40.319
<v Speaker 1>get into some acting classes. I scheduled it for the

1706
01:16:40.359 --> 01:16:43.479
<v Speaker 1>end of this month. All right, we are getting into

1707
01:16:44.159 --> 01:16:48.039
<v Speaker 1>We are getting into motion here, babies. All right. The

1708
01:16:48.079 --> 01:16:49.920
<v Speaker 1>thing is we don't want to look crazy and trying

1709
01:16:49.960 --> 01:16:52.840
<v Speaker 1>something anything, whatever it is at our age, whatever that

1710
01:16:52.880 --> 01:16:57.520
<v Speaker 1>age is, would look nuts. At the heart of anorexia

1711
01:16:57.680 --> 01:17:01.119
<v Speaker 1>of artistic avoidance is the denial of process. So you

1712
01:17:01.159 --> 01:17:03.039
<v Speaker 1>guys need to have a process too. You need to

1713
01:17:03.079 --> 01:17:07.039
<v Speaker 1>put something into your daily routine where you are nurturing

1714
01:17:07.079 --> 01:17:09.479
<v Speaker 1>your artist, whether it is writing one page of your

1715
01:17:09.479 --> 01:17:12.720
<v Speaker 1>screenplay a day, picking up a paintbrush at least once

1716
01:17:12.800 --> 01:17:15.800
<v Speaker 1>a day, whatever it is that you're on the journey,

1717
01:17:15.880 --> 01:17:18.439
<v Speaker 1>just like a little chunk of time fifteen minutes, even

1718
01:17:18.439 --> 01:17:21.640
<v Speaker 1>twenty minutes, because then it's like motion. It's a little

1719
01:17:21.680 --> 01:17:24.239
<v Speaker 1>bit of motion, right, rather than just being like boo,

1720
01:17:24.359 --> 01:17:26.960
<v Speaker 1>I have to write a whole screenplay in like two weeks.

1721
01:17:26.680 --> 01:17:30.159
<v Speaker 1>That's just not that's not a reasonable way to approach

1722
01:17:30.239 --> 01:17:35.319
<v Speaker 1>being creative all right. Fixated on the need to have

1723
01:17:35.399 --> 01:17:38.960
<v Speaker 1>something to show for our labors, we often deny our curiosities.

1724
01:17:39.000 --> 01:17:41.199
<v Speaker 1>Every time we do this, we are blocked to use

1725
01:17:41.239 --> 01:17:44.520
<v Speaker 1>our age as a block to creative work interlocks with

1726
01:17:44.560 --> 01:17:47.840
<v Speaker 1>our toxic finished product thinking we have set an appropriate

1727
01:17:47.840 --> 01:17:50.800
<v Speaker 1>age uncertain activities like college graduation, going to med school,

1728
01:17:50.800 --> 01:17:54.000
<v Speaker 1>writing the book first. This artificial ego requirement asks us

1729
01:17:54.039 --> 01:17:57.560
<v Speaker 1>to be done when we truly when what we truly

1730
01:17:57.680 --> 01:18:00.920
<v Speaker 1>yearn for is to start something. The grace to be

1731
01:18:01.000 --> 01:18:03.680
<v Speaker 1>a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist.

1732
01:18:03.840 --> 01:18:08.119
<v Speaker 1>The beginner's humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads

1733
01:18:08.159 --> 01:18:11.600
<v Speaker 1>to accomplishment, and all of it begins at the beginning,

1734
01:18:11.640 --> 01:18:14.359
<v Speaker 1>with the first small and scary step. So for this

1735
01:18:14.439 --> 01:18:16.640
<v Speaker 1>I like to equate it to something like a workout class.

1736
01:18:16.640 --> 01:18:18.119
<v Speaker 1>Like when you go to a plates class for the

1737
01:18:18.159 --> 01:18:20.479
<v Speaker 1>first time, you're like, I have no idea what I'm doing,

1738
01:18:20.520 --> 01:18:24.439
<v Speaker 1>Please help me. That is the attitude that gives you

1739
01:18:24.520 --> 01:18:27.199
<v Speaker 1>the best results. I have no idea what I'm doing.

1740
01:18:27.239 --> 01:18:29.199
<v Speaker 1>The second that you start to get cocky and you're like,

1741
01:18:29.239 --> 01:18:31.000
<v Speaker 1>I've been here before, I know what the fuck, I'm doing.

1742
01:18:32.039 --> 01:18:35.479
<v Speaker 1>That kind of attitude keeps you from growth. The beginner's

1743
01:18:35.520 --> 01:18:39.039
<v Speaker 1>mentality is so important to artists to keep having an

1744
01:18:39.039 --> 01:18:41.960
<v Speaker 1>open heart to everything you try, because you never know

1745
01:18:42.039 --> 01:18:46.079
<v Speaker 1>what you might find. And then it talks about filling

1746
01:18:46.119 --> 01:18:50.760
<v Speaker 1>in the form right. This is more of just most

1747
01:18:50.800 --> 01:18:53.479
<v Speaker 1>of the time, the next right thing is something small,

1748
01:18:54.199 --> 01:18:56.479
<v Speaker 1>washing your paint brushes, stopping by the art supply store,

1749
01:18:56.520 --> 01:18:58.800
<v Speaker 1>getting your clay, checking on your local paper for acting

1750
01:18:58.840 --> 01:19:01.680
<v Speaker 1>class black create like to think they're looking at changing

1751
01:19:01.680 --> 01:19:04.000
<v Speaker 1>their whole life in one fell swoop. This form of

1752
01:19:04.039 --> 01:19:07.279
<v Speaker 1>grandiosity is very often its own undoing. By setting the

1753
01:19:07.359 --> 01:19:09.600
<v Speaker 1>jumps too high or making the price tag too great,

1754
01:19:09.800 --> 01:19:13.840
<v Speaker 1>the recovering artist sets defeat in motion. Creative people are dramatic,

1755
01:19:13.920 --> 01:19:16.600
<v Speaker 1>and we use negative drama to scare ourselves out of

1756
01:19:16.600 --> 01:19:20.520
<v Speaker 1>our creativity. With this notion of wholesale and often destructive

1757
01:19:20.720 --> 01:19:24.199
<v Speaker 1>change in a creative career, thinking about the odds is

1758
01:19:24.399 --> 01:19:26.640
<v Speaker 1>a drink of emotional poison. It robs us of the

1759
01:19:26.680 --> 01:19:28.920
<v Speaker 1>dignity of art as process and puts us at the

1760
01:19:28.960 --> 01:19:32.199
<v Speaker 1>mercy of imagined powers out there. As a rule of thumb,

1761
01:19:32.239 --> 01:19:35.119
<v Speaker 1>the odds are what we use to procrastinate about doing

1762
01:19:35.199 --> 01:19:38.039
<v Speaker 1>what comes next. This is our addiction to anxiety in

1763
01:19:38.119 --> 01:19:40.840
<v Speaker 1>lieu of action. Once you catch onto this, the jig

1764
01:19:40.880 --> 01:19:42.960
<v Speaker 1>is up. Watch yourself for a week and notice the

1765
01:19:42.960 --> 01:19:44.840
<v Speaker 1>way you will pick up an anxious thought, almost like

1766
01:19:44.880 --> 01:19:46.920
<v Speaker 1>a joint, to blow off or at least delay your

1767
01:19:46.960 --> 01:19:50.960
<v Speaker 1>next creative action. Most block creatives have an active addiction

1768
01:19:51.079 --> 01:19:55.479
<v Speaker 1>to anxiety that I really really feel that we prefer

1769
01:19:55.560 --> 01:19:58.960
<v Speaker 1>the low grade pain and occasional heart stopping panic attack

1770
01:19:59.039 --> 01:20:01.279
<v Speaker 1>to the drudgery of small, in simple daily steps in

1771
01:20:01.319 --> 01:20:04.239
<v Speaker 1>the right direction. What I'm saying is that work begets work.

1772
01:20:04.319 --> 01:20:07.279
<v Speaker 1>Small actions lead us to larger movements in our creative life.

1773
01:20:07.680 --> 01:20:11.000
<v Speaker 1>Instead of asking what yourself might do for to hone

1774
01:20:11.039 --> 01:20:13.279
<v Speaker 1>your craft, fill the form what can you do right

1775
01:20:13.279 --> 01:20:16.119
<v Speaker 1>now in your life that is currently constituted? Do that

1776
01:20:16.199 --> 01:20:18.920
<v Speaker 1>thing one small daily action instead of indulging in the

1777
01:20:18.920 --> 01:20:21.479
<v Speaker 1>big questions. When we allow ourselves to wallow in the

1778
01:20:21.520 --> 01:20:28.159
<v Speaker 1>big questions, we fail to find the small answers. All right,

1779
01:20:28.239 --> 01:20:35.800
<v Speaker 1>you guys, Recovering creatives commonly undergo bouts of fierce rage

1780
01:20:35.840 --> 01:20:40.800
<v Speaker 1>and grief over the lost years. That is something that

1781
01:20:40.840 --> 01:20:43.279
<v Speaker 1>I have experienced, you know, I'm just like, I've lost

1782
01:20:43.279 --> 01:20:45.920
<v Speaker 1>so much time I could have been doing to stand

1783
01:20:46.000 --> 01:20:48.079
<v Speaker 1>up for so much longer I had. You know, I

1784
01:20:48.119 --> 01:20:49.920
<v Speaker 1>spent too much time in advertising when I knew I

1785
01:20:49.960 --> 01:20:52.880
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to be in advertising. Uh huh, cut it out.

1786
01:20:53.079 --> 01:20:56.239
<v Speaker 1>You're at where you're at right now. God's plan is perfect.

1787
01:20:56.520 --> 01:20:59.119
<v Speaker 1>Wherever you are in the process right now is exactly

1788
01:20:59.119 --> 01:21:01.920
<v Speaker 1>where you're supposed to be. Enjoy the ride, have some fun,

1789
01:21:02.039 --> 01:21:04.720
<v Speaker 1>and take care of your inner artists our babies. They

1790
01:21:04.760 --> 01:21:05.159
<v Speaker 1>love you.