Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, bestie. Is it is mother?
Speaker 1: I am here in a beautiful day in New York City,
Speaker 1: and I am joined by one of my friends who
Speaker 1: you guys, we've had her on the pod before and
Speaker 1: you loved her a lot, and I'm so excited that
Speaker 1: she's back. Please enjoy this episode with my dear friend
Speaker 1: Ali Colbert. Thanks for coming, Thanks for having me back.
Speaker 1: I went to the doctor this morning, a doctor, a
Speaker 1: Chinese doctor. Oh that's the cup, a Chinese medicine doctor.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wow, he gave me cupping. And he was just did
Speaker 1: he give you that peace sign? The peace sign?
Speaker 2: Is that a tattoo? Oh, that's a tottoo you got
Speaker 2: you got lasered.
Speaker 1: R it's a tattoo. I'm removing.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's right. It's the same purple of the cups.
Speaker 2: Oh so I was confused.
Speaker 1: For a second.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: He was trying to be like, be more peaceful, because
Speaker 1: I know I'm not peaceful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And You're like, well, this doesn't resonate with me anymore.
Speaker 2: I should take this off my body. You're like, this
Speaker 2: isn't landing. I don't feel peaceful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just a good tattoos. I feel like you're
Speaker 1: getting into like a tattoo.
Speaker 2: And we're getting into a tattoo. I was gonna get
Speaker 2: one last night because at my friend's birthday party there
Speaker 2: was like a tattoo guy and I was waiting to
Speaker 2: get one. And I had had like seven tequilas, so
Speaker 2: it was like, this makes sense.
Speaker 1: Seven tequilas. That's kind of crazy for you.
Speaker 2: I've been like fucked up for like a year and
Speaker 2: a half and I love that. Like drinking wise, like
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm fine, but like I definitely have been drinking.
Speaker 2: Like the part of me that doesn't drink is retired,
Speaker 2: right right, Okay, Like I'm drinking.
Speaker 1: I remember you got into it last year, but I didn't.
Speaker 1: I thought you got out of it for some reason.
Speaker 2: I go through periods. Yeah, but like like I'm so
Speaker 2: summer in New York, Like it's just like so fun
Speaker 2: to be drunk.
Speaker 1: And trust me, you're ready to reloud.
Speaker 2: No, I I know. I And also for some reason,
Speaker 2: like tequila soda, I have less of a hangover than wine.
Speaker 1: M Yeah, my drink before I retired was Cosamigos blanco
Speaker 1: on the rocks, three lines totally and no hangover.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful, right, I can have like twelve Yeah, I
Speaker 2: was doing Costetragones light soda water lime, and like I
Speaker 2: was just not getna hungover.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because soda waters water, so you're basically drinking water.
Speaker 2: Also basically water, and like if you're out for hours,
Speaker 2: like it's like I'm hungover throughout the party. Do you
Speaker 2: know what I mean by the time I wake up,
Speaker 2: I was drunk two days ago, right, So I mean anyway,
Speaker 2: there was a guy who was doing tattoos and I
Speaker 2: was like, I'll get a tattoo, and then the line
Speaker 2: just was way too long.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we should get a tattoo.
Speaker 2: I would love to.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get a tiny little tattoo. I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: tiny tattoos. No more big ones I had, like some
Speaker 1: big ones.
Speaker 2: I don't Yeah, I don't, wouldn't do that.
Speaker 1: No, I know these are like trashy.
Speaker 2: What is that one?
Speaker 1: The peacock?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I've never seen that.
Speaker 1: You've never seen the peacock.
Speaker 2: That's insane.
Speaker 1: Do you know what the story? Hangout have to show
Speaker 1: everyone the peacock byther? Okay, there, what the fuck is that?
Speaker 1: Why do you have that? Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: For your inquiry. I was in my like peak alcoholism.
Speaker 1: I lived in Venice Beach on the boardwalk, okay, and
Speaker 1: every time I would get hammered, I would go get
Speaker 1: a tattoo. I got six of my twelve times.
Speaker 2: You don't have more tattoos. You were a huge drunk.
Speaker 1: I know I have a lot of tattoos that I've removed, okay,
Speaker 1: but anyway, I would go get hammered and get tattoos.
Speaker 1: But this I went on a date with this guy
Speaker 1: at the sidewalk cafe and I didn't like him, and
Speaker 1: I was like, thinking of boys. I was such a
Speaker 1: people pleaser. I couldn't I couldn't just say hey, I'm
Speaker 1: not enjoying this, you need to go home.
Speaker 2: You had to get a tattoo with him.
Speaker 1: No, listen, I was I made in my drunk brain.
Speaker 1: I made it up and I was like, oh, this
Speaker 1: is fool proof. I was like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: forgot I have a six hour tattoo appointment. I have
Speaker 1: to go.
Speaker 3: Is that true? No?
Speaker 1: In my brain, I was like, I'm a genius. And
Speaker 1: then I and I knew if I walked over to
Speaker 1: the tattoo shop at House of Ink, those guys would
Speaker 1: have my back because I did.
Speaker 2: Not have your back tattoos.
Speaker 1: Okay, no, but I was like I walked in, I
Speaker 1: was like, remember my tattoo appointment for a really long
Speaker 1: tattoo and they were like oh. The guy was like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, the peacock feather on your rib cage and
Speaker 1: I was like yeah, and then I laid down for
Speaker 1: a four and a half hour tattoo.
Speaker 2: But you, I thought it was I thought it was
Speaker 2: an excuse to get out of the date.
Speaker 1: It was, but then he just came with me and then.
Speaker 2: You decided to actually get the tattoo.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, because it was right across the street from
Speaker 1: the bar that we were already hat. So he's like,
Speaker 1: I'll walk you over there, and he watched like did.
Speaker 2: You sleep with him? No? This is worse than this
Speaker 2: is so brutal.
Speaker 1: It was horrible because I have now the trashiest tattoo.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've never seen that tattoo. It's so weird because
Speaker 2: like I feel like I've seen you in like a
Speaker 2: bikini and stuff. But no, yeah, no, are you gonna
Speaker 2: get that removed? I can't because it's green and they
Speaker 2: can't remove green ink. Why it would take like ten
Speaker 2: times longer to remove, and this is so pain this
Speaker 2: is crazy. And removing I can't remove green ink.
Speaker 1: It takes like twice as long, and oh it is
Speaker 1: so painful. Removing tattoos is literally like I wish when
Speaker 1: I was getting my tattoos someone made me feel how
Speaker 1: painful it was to remove it first, because it's literally
Speaker 1: like I'd rather have a going through my earth. I
Speaker 1: have no idea. The laser is just really.
Speaker 2: Why don't they numb you like anything else, like a
Speaker 2: face laser? Well, because it can.
Speaker 1: Numbing is always topical, right, it can only do so much.
Speaker 2: Wow, that sucks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so now I have this time.
Speaker 2: I mean, who cares?
Speaker 1: But like I know, the guy stayed the whole entire time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then at the end of the night, I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: now you have to go home, and he was like,
Speaker 1: I'm too drunk to drive. I have to stay over.
Speaker 2: No, and he stayed in my bed with me, and
Speaker 2: I was like, don't this. I would rather fuck this
Speaker 2: guy than done anything you did. You had a platonic
Speaker 2: sleepover and got a permanent tattoo. Just fuck him. At
Speaker 2: this point, that would have taken less time and been
Speaker 2: less painful and less damaging.
Speaker 1: And trust me, I know. I don't even remember the
Speaker 1: guy's name. I just know I have He was like
Speaker 1: a club promoter. It was a dark it was a
Speaker 1: dark moment.
Speaker 2: It's not good, It's really bad.
Speaker 1: So anyway, wow is that wild? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Wild? I feel like once you get one tattoo, like
Speaker 2: they all kind of like start to mean nothing, do
Speaker 2: you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they just don't have to mean anything. The first
Speaker 1: one I got was the one on my wrist, this
Speaker 1: infinity symbol, and I got it. I was did you
Speaker 1: get that removed? Because it's disgusting, and also I got.
Speaker 2: It infinity symbol. I was gonna maybe get it last.
Speaker 1: Night, great and get a small one.
Speaker 2: This one was like that, it's like the death eater
Speaker 2: symbol from the dark.
Speaker 3: What is that?
Speaker 1: The dark mark the Dark? Like, no, it's so basically
Speaker 1: it's my best friend at the time, I was moving
Speaker 1: to LA and she was like, we have to get
Speaker 1: tattoos to like symbolize like our friendship is forever. And
Speaker 1: I was like totally. I went first, yeah and got this,
Speaker 1: and then right when I was done, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that was like way heavier and uglier. Than I thought
Speaker 1: it was gonna be.
Speaker 2: But you don't see because they do a mark on
Speaker 2: you first.
Speaker 1: I know. I just was kind of in the zone.
Speaker 2: Are you drunk? Yeah, in the zone, I mean drunk zone.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: And then I looked at it and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's no good.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Did she get one too, Nope?
Speaker 1: She backed out afterwards. She was like, She's like, I
Speaker 1: don't think I want that, and now we're not friends. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So every time I get I'm getting it done. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, god, I hate that bitch so much.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, are you still getting it like removed
Speaker 2: or it's gone.
Speaker 1: No, it's not gone. It's kind of gone, but it's
Speaker 1: not gone. Yeah, it needs like one more session.
Speaker 2: I was dating a girl and I got I tattooed
Speaker 2: the word mine and my hammay to her ass.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 2: And she was like, now you get it, and I
Speaker 2: was like no. I was like, we're not going to
Speaker 2: be together. No, we obviously broke up.
Speaker 1: But how long after the tattoo did you break up?
Speaker 2: Maybe like six months?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: No, I Like, she was like, why don't you get it?
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 1: I just know.
Speaker 2: I know I got another excess name. Done with that.
Speaker 2: I think I told you the story I got with that,
Speaker 2: like ink that's meant to go away, yeah, which is
Speaker 2: basically like my attachment style. Totally, this is gonna be
Speaker 2: get them all.
Speaker 1: I'm all in right now, I'm.
Speaker 2: Fully in, right out. No, but like I got this tattoo,
Speaker 2: and then I when we broke up, I started dating
Speaker 2: someone new and I she was like, I can't like
Speaker 2: come if I see that on your arm. And I
Speaker 2: was like, okay, I'll go get it laser off. So
Speaker 2: I went, and I'm like, you can't come because you're
Speaker 2: a liar. So I went to to get it lasered off,
Speaker 2: and they said that they can't laser that type of ink.
Speaker 2: It sets it even more permanently. So it's like these
Speaker 2: semi permanent tattoos end up being like the most permanent.
Speaker 2: I mean it's mostly definitely gone. Now you could still
Speaker 2: see this kind of a scar almost, Yeah, it looks
Speaker 2: like a scar.
Speaker 1: Did you get a laser.
Speaker 3: Such that shion?
Speaker 2: No? Oh, they said you can't.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. That was like a trend for a minute,
Speaker 1: and then everyone realized those tattoos were like actually permanent.
Speaker 2: No, they were permanent My sister got like four hideous
Speaker 2: tattoos that will not go away. She has like a
Speaker 2: lawn chair on her like side. It's really bad.
Speaker 1: I almost got a slice of pizza on my arm.
Speaker 2: That's awful. It's probably worse than the peacock. Why would
Speaker 2: you get a slice of pizza?
Speaker 1: Well, because it was disappearing and I thought it was fun.
Speaker 2: But is that funny? It's not cute.
Speaker 1: It's nothing like a slice of pepperoni pizza. It's a
Speaker 1: cool tattoo.
Speaker 2: No, it's not. Well, you didn't get it because it's
Speaker 2: not ultimately like you're going to defend the tattoo you
Speaker 2: didn't get as cool that you didn't get because it
Speaker 2: wasn't cool.
Speaker 1: No, it is cool, and I wanted it.
Speaker 2: Why a pepperoni pizza?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Oh god, Brittany, these are really bad choices.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I need people. I need people to know
Speaker 1: what's going on up here.
Speaker 2: Pizza. Yeah, you love that?
Speaker 1: Love?
Speaker 2: You love Italian food? I love yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my gosh, Okay, I'm gonna pull one of
Speaker 1: these cards. Okay, I'm so excited. Really, when do you
Speaker 1: feel most like yourself? No?
Speaker 2: Okay, that's so gay. You're right, Okay, hit us get.
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 4: Sorry, so all right, never mind, this game is not
Speaker 4: going to be fun really because they're like cheesy and
Speaker 4: they're cheesy. Yeah, well I knew that was going to
Speaker 4: be the case.
Speaker 1: Thank you for being understanding of my blank.
Speaker 2: Mental illness is of me? Me saying thank you for
Speaker 2: being understanding of my blank? Is that what it's saying?
Speaker 1: Thank you for being understanding?
Speaker 2: You would feel no, obviously, what would you say for me?
Speaker 1: Mental?
Speaker 2: Yeah? We have the same mental Yeah, mental illness.
Speaker 1: I really should I see you try. I feel like
Speaker 1: we need to do couples.
Speaker 2: Okay, these are so fucking gay. I know, no, these
Speaker 2: are awful. We can't do that. It's like, when how
Speaker 2: do you celebrate stupid?
Speaker 1: Oh? This one? Have I ever betrayed your trust in
Speaker 1: any big or small way?
Speaker 2: You haven't betrayed my trust. You've just made like slight,
Speaker 2: small decisions that have confused me.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, tell me which ones I mean?
Speaker 2: I was just thinking about recently.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Speaker 2: I thought it was weird that I introduced you to
Speaker 2: a really good friend of mine and then I found
Speaker 2: out through him that you were like staying in his
Speaker 2: house without telling me. Yeah, that was just more so,
Speaker 2: I don't I didn't feel betrayed. I felt surprised, confused, confused.
Speaker 2: I was just like, that's weird because we were talking
Speaker 2: during that time and you failed to mention, yeah that
Speaker 2: you stayed with it. But in my defense, which is
Speaker 2: thank you for being there for mental in my defense.
Speaker 1: My defense, now I've been that no health fire, acid
Speaker 1: bath of a breakup that I was in the middle of.
Speaker 1: I think it would have been different in my defense
Speaker 1: because I'm going to defend myself obviously.
Speaker 2: Okay, don't do that, Sure, defend yourself.
Speaker 1: I think it would have been way different if he
Speaker 1: was there, don't you think.
Speaker 2: Well, if he was there and you didn't tell me,
Speaker 2: that wouldn't have happened because I talked to him so
Speaker 2: much that he would have like been I would have
Speaker 2: spoken to him and I would have like seen you
Speaker 2: in the background face like that would have been also
Speaker 2: really weird, also very strange.
Speaker 1: That would that would have been insane, That would have
Speaker 1: been you guys were fucking Yeah, that would have been
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you.
Speaker 2: I would like you're telling me something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
Speaker 2: I mean no, but I haven't felt betrayed by you. No,
Speaker 2: have you feel betrayed by me? Betrayed is the trade
Speaker 2: is a very word like we have ship like anyone else,
Speaker 2: but like, no, not betrayed, like I don't feel but
Speaker 2: trade is like backstabbing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, betrayed Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: It's like intent. It feels like malicious in a way
Speaker 2: that like you and I I feel are more like
Speaker 2: clumsy yeah, and are like oops oops or that hur oops.
Speaker 1: When I when I saw you were in LA and
Speaker 1: I was like, can we hang out? Did you turn
Speaker 1: your location off? I didn't respond to me.
Speaker 2: Is that I did that? I'm shutting my location right now.
Speaker 2: I don't want anyone to have it. It's stressing me out.
Speaker 1: I get it, turn it off right. I feel like
Speaker 1: you have to be able to be shady, like it's
Speaker 1: very important.
Speaker 2: Really breaking my heart. But I can't just like be shisty.
Speaker 1: No, I told you, Apple came out with a feature
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 2: So many people sent me that you can congrats, bitch.
Speaker 2: I was like, it's because I'm too lean, I'm too
Speaker 2: generous with my location. Okay, And by the way, I
Speaker 2: did have it off for a while. That wasn't just
Speaker 2: off for you. I did have it off because similarly,
Speaker 2: I was going through a period I was being shady totally,
Speaker 2: and then during those periods, I shut it and I say,
Speaker 2: it's bad for my iPhone battery, bad for my and
Speaker 2: I googled that it's integrity. It does, it does dream battery? Yes,
Speaker 2: it does.
Speaker 1: It actually doesn't.
Speaker 2: I googled it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you gave me that excuse, I was like,
Speaker 1: is she cast light?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: It does, No, it doesn't.
Speaker 2: Is sharing your location with a ton of friends bad
Speaker 2: for your iPhone battery?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I told you. And why do people say that because
Speaker 1: they're liars, Like, yeah, have grown drain. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I just like you really have to. But the other
Speaker 2: thing is like you have to share your location with
Speaker 2: people that like have no expectations of you. Yeah, I don't,
Speaker 2: and then it's fun, But I don't really have any
Speaker 2: expectations with you. Like, think about the text you sent
Speaker 2: me two nights ago, Hey you're al assuming? Was I
Speaker 2: know I'm not leaving my house assuming you're not? I
Speaker 2: see you're out like something something that was full like yeah,
Speaker 2: we both think not like I don't know, I don't
Speaker 2: really feel like we're gonna get in trouble with each other.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I also like, I love people who cancel plans,
Speaker 1: and there's no one that cancels plans more than you.
Speaker 2: No, it's not true.
Speaker 1: Oh it's so true. Really, I can always count on
Speaker 1: you to cancel plan. Are you unfortunate? Because plans with
Speaker 1: you are ones that usually look forward to?
Speaker 3: Wait?
Speaker 2: Are you serious? Do you think I cancel? Ali, I
Speaker 2: didn't know that.
Speaker 1: It's your whole personality is not showing up? Is your whole?
Speaker 2: Are you serious?
Speaker 1: I'm dead? Seriously.
Speaker 2: Wait, I'm shocked.
Speaker 1: Are you actually yes? Do you have any idea who
Speaker 1: you are?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: No, But I actually think more than I cancel plans.
Speaker 2: I actually think that you like to make plans and
Speaker 2: I don't. Okay, I like to just play everything by
Speaker 2: your See, I don't identify as somebody who likes to
Speaker 2: make You're always trying to make plans, and I'm always
Speaker 2: like I can't plan.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm trying to just hang out.
Speaker 2: Okay, and maybe maybe I'm having a problem.
Speaker 1: I need like a little something on my calendar so
Speaker 1: I don't yeat myself.
Speaker 2: No, I get that, But for some reason, when I.
Speaker 1: Can't kill myself, I'm having crossots with Alliott the more.
Speaker 2: Totally for some reason, plans sometimes I feel like like
Speaker 2: take away from me planning how to yat myself, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Like I sometimes I go quite
Speaker 2: insular when I'm depressed, right, Like I actually my friend
Speaker 2: was talking to me about this the other day where
Speaker 2: he was like, when you're depressed, He's like, you like
Speaker 2: refuse to like socialize, Yes, when it is one thing
Speaker 2: that will help me, and I like really go quiet.
Speaker 1: It's so much. I really relate to that though, because
Speaker 1: I had that moment like it was such a weird
Speaker 1: time to move to New York when like the city
Speaker 1: has never I thought, I'm gonna come to New York.
Speaker 1: Everyone's miserably here. I'm gonna fit right in. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: city has never been happier. The Knicks won the finals
Speaker 1: and it was like raw and I was just inside,
Speaker 1: like I fucking hate everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really hard to not be like medicated here. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you want to self medicate?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and also I want to self We all want
Speaker 1: to self medicate, I think. But then when we do,
Speaker 1: we go do we have the edibles? And then you
Speaker 1: we should talk about that. We need to talk about
Speaker 1: should you start me all start, Okay, I'll start. So
Speaker 1: we had these edibles. Yeah, they're two and a half milligrams.
Speaker 1: Nothing to teach, nothing, nothing that doesn't even make me
Speaker 1: skip a beat.
Speaker 2: Usually I take five milligram edibles all.
Speaker 1: The time, all the time. And you still feel nothing nothing?
Speaker 2: No, I feel high.
Speaker 1: Well, okay, fine, but like functional function all you. I
Speaker 1: don't know what happened. They're called eating, They're called eating edibles.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we went to Sugarfish and I this.
Speaker 2: Is your welcome to New York dinner, your first Friday
Speaker 2: night in New York.
Speaker 1: Yes, first you yelled at me for saying that Daniels
Speaker 1: had made me cry outside of Sugarfish.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't yell you. Well, I was actually very nice.
Speaker 1: You came in pretty hot.
Speaker 2: Well, I was like, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 1: I was moments away from crying, like my life you did?
Speaker 1: I know? No, I know, Okay. When you walked up
Speaker 1: though it being the first thing you said, I was
Speaker 1: just like.
Speaker 2: I can't, like you couldn't handle confrontations by a thread
Speaker 2: right now? Yeah? Like, and I wish that thread was
Speaker 2: a noose literally.
Speaker 1: But we sit down for dinner and we start having
Speaker 1: a conversation and I'm like.
Speaker 2: Well, we take the Edibles. We took the Edibles and
Speaker 2: because we just said took it.
Speaker 1: On an empty stomach.
Speaker 2: No, but just say we took the Edibles once before
Speaker 2: and we got ripper and high. But it was but
Speaker 2: it was fun. It was so cracking up.
Speaker 1: We were having the best time.
Speaker 2: We thought let's do it again because we weren't drinking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought, let's do another like rip roar and
Speaker 1: fun night.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Okay, boy, oh boy, is that not what was in story.
Speaker 1: That's not what happened. I am talking to you about
Speaker 1: something that's important to me, and I see you start
Speaker 1: to leave your.
Speaker 2: Body, like, yeah, I started to glaze.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you started to glaze. And then you also were like,
Speaker 1: I'm trying so hard to pay attention to you right now,
Speaker 1: but I can't. So you need to chill.
Speaker 2: I was starting to leave my body.
Speaker 1: And it's important to note ale so that you did
Speaker 1: go to my psychic friend earlier that day, Drew McClean.
Speaker 2: That scared me as well.
Speaker 1: That's why you had the melt down. I don't know, Allie.
Speaker 1: Do we need to play the tapes? No, because the
Speaker 1: whole entire meltballe Well.
Speaker 2: I saw psychic and I was really like, it was
Speaker 2: just a lot. It wasn't like a like it didn't
Speaker 2: feel like he sugarcoat thing.
Speaker 1: He doesn't knowic thing.
Speaker 2: So that was a little bit upsetting, right, And I
Speaker 2: was a little thrown by certain things, which I'm fine
Speaker 2: with now. And then I started to get high, and
Speaker 2: I started to get really paranoid. And I have truly
Speaker 2: have been really high, maybe like hi to the point
Speaker 2: that I'm like panicking, only really once maybe before that
Speaker 2: I remember, And this was the worst high of my life.
Speaker 2: And I mean I said, we have to leave the restaurant.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we did. We leave the restaurant, and you started
Speaker 1: then immediately calling all of your family members because I
Speaker 1: was not comforting because you were filming.
Speaker 2: Me, and I was I started to panic. I was walking,
Speaker 2: I mean, we're blocks from my apartment. I had to
Speaker 2: put it into maps. I like put my head between
Speaker 2: my knees. I was like I was holding your arm
Speaker 2: like this, Like I was like I'm gonna faint or something. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I just needed to get home so that I can
Speaker 2: like lie down. There was something very overwhelming about being
Speaker 2: out in the world. And then I was like he
Speaker 2: told me I was gonna have a fight with one
Speaker 2: of my friends. I was like, replaying, what am I
Speaker 2: gonna say? That's gonna make us fight? And I was
Speaker 2: just like I felt really stuck. And while I was
Speaker 2: panicking so much, I called my sisters, my parents, everyone. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and you were right there and I was hysterical. Crime.
Speaker 1: You were hysterical yea. And you were just welcome to
Speaker 1: New York.
Speaker 2: We're at It was really intense.
Speaker 1: It was a lot. And then I got a Sundays
Speaker 1: oh yeah. And then we watched The Knicks with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I took a clonipin.
Speaker 1: Oh you did?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Sammy said I could because I was like
Speaker 2: really anxious. I was like having a panic attack. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean I was sobbing.
Speaker 1: Yeah. We also just wanted a clonipin.
Speaker 2: I also wanted that was really that was really scary.
Speaker 2: That was not a fun high.
Speaker 1: No for you, It would have been fine for me
Speaker 1: because I didn't.
Speaker 2: You were like, hey, I'm not high anymore.
Speaker 1: I was like, I like, and I gave right down.
Speaker 2: There's something else in those edibles. I think I must
Speaker 2: have had like an allergy too. I know that my
Speaker 2: mom was laughing at me saying an allergy, but like
Speaker 2: I had some like hyper sensitive reaction. Clearly it wasn't
Speaker 2: faking it. That was psycho of me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, that was That would have been crazy.
Speaker 2: That was like really really drama.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so high drama, high drama.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but wow it was Sugarfish good.
Speaker 1: Sugarfish is so good? I should we go get it
Speaker 1: after this? Yeah, I'm hungry. Oh my god.
Speaker 2: See, Like, for example, that Sugarfish thing, is that a plan?
Speaker 2: Because I told this girl i'd meet up with her?
Speaker 2: What girl, I'm not going to say her name on
Speaker 2: the podcast. A ryo girl. Oh like Sugarfish just now?
Speaker 1: Oh you and I Yeah, no, that's not a plan.
Speaker 2: Oh, because I'm then I'm like, then I understand why
Speaker 2: you think I cancel plans.
Speaker 1: Are you saying that right when the camera stops, you're
Speaker 1: gonna tell me you don't want to go to Sugarfish?
Speaker 2: No, it depends if depending on the time. So I'm
Speaker 2: trying to hear this out on the air. Oh, I'm
Speaker 2: trying to have a conversation with you now on the
Speaker 2: air about is this happening in real time that I
Speaker 2: make a plan and cancel it?
Speaker 1: But isn't this this is technically playing it by ear because.
Speaker 2: We're in Oh yeah, I'm fine with that, but I
Speaker 2: didn't know my whole personality is canceling.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you cancel a lot, really a lot.
Speaker 2: And by the way, you just t in LA and
Speaker 2: I shut my location and didn't answer. Yeah, that's criminal,
Speaker 2: h that's violent.
Speaker 1: No, I know, I thought we were over. You did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you thought we were gonna did. I act like
Speaker 2: nothing was wrong because I probably thought nothing was wrong.
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, I see your like, can we
Speaker 1: hang out?
Speaker 2: I was probably there for twelve hours, and I was like,
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 1: You were doing some shady shit. You shut your location
Speaker 1: off and you said nothing.
Speaker 2: Because I couldn't hang out.
Speaker 1: No, I know, but and I was just like it
Speaker 1: was leave me alone, so upset.
Speaker 2: I can't. Like, if I could have would, I would
Speaker 2: have texted you already.
Speaker 1: Growth is realizing that blank you.
Speaker 3: Don't like it.
Speaker 2: I mean that nothing matters, that we're gonna die. I
Speaker 2: just like, you know, a part of me feels I
Speaker 2: was thinking about this last night because I went on
Speaker 2: a date with someone and then she's like followed up
Speaker 2: with me a few times, and I haven't and I
Speaker 2: was like, I don't really feel that I owe her
Speaker 2: after one date like anything. And I was like, you know,
Speaker 2: kind of letting myself off the hook, like why do
Speaker 2: I owe someone something after one date?
Speaker 1: How many times did she follow up?
Speaker 2: She texted me twice in a row, replied, just story
Speaker 2: and FaceTime me.
Speaker 1: Call the police.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying, though it's like too intense. I
Speaker 2: gots like it's one day.
Speaker 1: It's only us that can be that crazy.
Speaker 2: No, but like we choose good marks. Yeah, because we're
Speaker 2: being crazy for a reason. Mmmmm, it's with intent, don't
Speaker 2: you think we're picking up on something Like I'm usually
Speaker 2: crazy to someone who like, at least at some point
Speaker 2: matches my crazy, right, and then it becomes intermittent, which
Speaker 2: is what drives me crazy.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: I don't feel that I would just completely not read
Speaker 2: the room and totally love bomb someone who doesn't meet
Speaker 2: me at all? Do you?
Speaker 1: Of course I would?
Speaker 2: No, you wouldn't, No, you wouldn't. Yes, I have I
Speaker 2: have what you've like, love bombed someone who's not interested
Speaker 2: in you at all totally who or don't say? Who
Speaker 2: would explain the scenario you already know? No, you didn't
Speaker 2: love bomb him.
Speaker 1: Which one are you talking about?
Speaker 2: Who are you thinking of? No, I just all the
Speaker 2: people that I'm thinking of that you've quote unquote love bombed.
Speaker 1: The one that I would psychoed to. And I kept
Speaker 1: said him like.
Speaker 2: Well that's really bad. That was Oh my god, Okay,
Speaker 2: that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was like a f
Speaker 2: like that was like a one time thing. Though it's
Speaker 2: not like a pattern. You would do that a lot.
Speaker 1: No, No, I'm.
Speaker 2: Just saying no, okay, that was very strange. That was
Speaker 2: the fever.
Speaker 1: The fever, the fever. That was the fever.
Speaker 2: That was intense, not ever.
Speaker 1: I mean I have said news. It happened back to
Speaker 1: back that people don't reply to.
Speaker 2: My No, I don't do that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to answer this question.
Speaker 2: Okay, I wouldn't do that. What is this book you're reading?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: The pivot here?
Speaker 2: Why are you reading that? What's the pivot here? Oh
Speaker 2: my god, you're spilling water all over your thing.
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Speaker 2: Okay, okay, So the pivot here?
Speaker 1: Oh pivot?
Speaker 2: What's that?
Speaker 1: It's it's a book of meditations. Oops, I'm not a
Speaker 1: camera for like every single day of a year that
Speaker 1: you're trying to make change.
Speaker 2: You're trying to make change right now?
Speaker 1: Girl? What are you trying to change everything? I'm a mess, I.
Speaker 2: Know, but what what are you trying to change?
Speaker 1: Who I am? At my core?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, no, I want my career like my Uh day
Speaker 1: fifty seven is the day I'm on.
Speaker 2: It's a meditation today?
Speaker 1: Uh huh? Okay, this one is If you have a
Speaker 1: heart that's healing, what you need to remember is that
Speaker 1: there's more to life than romantic love. There are equal joys,
Speaker 1: There are other worthwhile pursuits. Even if romantic love is
Speaker 1: an element of your life, it's not the only thing
Speaker 1: life is about.
Speaker 2: It's true.
Speaker 1: It may be that the fabric of our society hinges
Speaker 1: on you believing that matrimony and reproduction are the end
Speaker 1: all be all, the highest high, the only thing truly
Speaker 1: worth living for. It may be well intentioned people who
Speaker 1: do not want you to experience what they themselves fear.
Speaker 1: But romantic love does not excuse you from the inner work.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I have fallen to that a lot
Speaker 2: of feeling that romantic love is the only thing worth
Speaker 2: pursuing anything for. And my friend Max always says to me,
Speaker 2: he says, like, thirty thirty thirty, it's like you have
Speaker 2: to do romantic love your friend's work.
Speaker 1: Oh that's good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I I always put romantic love on a
Speaker 2: pedestal because I grew up closeted.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I was just like longing. Yeah. Well, and
Speaker 1: romantic love, when it's reciprocated, is the best drug for
Speaker 1: us for shurets.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I don't.
Speaker 1: Think it's just for us. I think it's literally for everyone. Yeah,
Speaker 1: falling in love is the best.
Speaker 2: Falling in love is amazing.
Speaker 1: And then figuring out who the fuck they actually are.
Speaker 2: Falling in love and that is great. Then getting to
Speaker 2: know them.
Speaker 1: Sucks, figure out who they actually are.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Someone posted a really funny video on I Forget who
Speaker 2: it was, where it was like, if you want someone
Speaker 2: to fall in love with you and you go on
Speaker 2: a date, just like, don't speak because they will just fantasize. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and they don't speak, you fantasize. It's the best. It's
Speaker 2: just like, stay quiet as long as possible.
Speaker 1: Oh god, the gift of silence. Yeah, I'll never know it.
Speaker 2: Spirituality is wanting to say something a not, says Michael Singer,
Speaker 2: taking his podcast down a way different direction to that
Speaker 2: The Untethered Soul.
Speaker 1: I love the Untoethered Soul. Did you ever read the
Speaker 1: Surrender Experiment? No, it's also by him where he says
Speaker 1: yes to everything for a year and he basically becomes
Speaker 1: like a multi multi multimulator.
Speaker 2: That was him. Yeah really, Yeah, Oh I don't. I
Speaker 2: don't know him in that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't. If your every problem and often a
Speaker 1: rush to find it complicates our hearts the most the
Speaker 1: pressure to be in a relationship creates a complex that
Speaker 1: can bend your sense of self until connection feels futile.
Speaker 1: Love exists in a myriad of ways, but the assumption
Speaker 1: that this singular form of it will lift you up
Speaker 1: above your human experience, sanitize your pain, and make the
Speaker 1: rest of your days a fever dream is not only untrue.
Speaker 2: It'll be a fever dream. It'll be a fever dream.
Speaker 2: If you let us drive, have anything to do with
Speaker 2: I'm behind the wheel, It's a fucking fever dream.
Speaker 1: It'll be a fever dream. My whole last relationship with
Speaker 1: a fever dream.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: It's placing the portal to your own inner piece within
Speaker 1: the realm of someone else's commitment, rather than leading you
Speaker 1: back to where it truly exists, in your own ability
Speaker 1: to retrain your mind to perceive love at any given moment.
Speaker 1: Our fantasies about other people are never really about how
Speaker 1: someone else might give us their love. Instead, they mirror
Speaker 1: our unawakened love back to us. They serve to show
Speaker 1: us that we need to seek another human heart, but
Speaker 1: that not that we need to seek another human heart,
Speaker 1: but that we need to remember to nurture the one
Speaker 1: we already have.
Speaker 2: Okay, I really want a shot of espresso?
Speaker 1: Fuck me up? Fam?
Speaker 2: Do you yeah?
Speaker 1: So bad?
Speaker 2: Do you have?
Speaker 1: I only have decaf? Oh that sucks. I like what
Speaker 1: like the placebo effect? Would do it?
Speaker 2: You think?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Should we make Yeah? Can we pause?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Okay, where do you want to start?
Speaker 1: You pick your favor?
Speaker 2: What was my last breakup like for you?
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much for your inquiry. Oh the
Speaker 1: hard really really hard, really hard to know someone was
Speaker 1: bad the whole time and have it take so long
Speaker 1: for you to realize. And also what was hard is
Speaker 1: the worst it got in your relationship, the more quiet
Speaker 1: you got in our friendship because you were trying to
Speaker 1: protect her, protect her. I was, and so I understand
Speaker 1: that obviously.
Speaker 2: But that's what people do in abusive relationship.
Speaker 1: In abusive relations they fully.
Speaker 2: Go quiet because they don't want to admit it, because
Speaker 2: you can't walk it back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't walk it back.
Speaker 2: So like I do think people throw the word abuse.
Speaker 2: I don't mean it in that way, of course, sure, yeah,
Speaker 2: but abuse, I mean it was like people throw that
Speaker 2: word around and I mean it.
Speaker 1: I'm not throwing it.
Speaker 2: I made it I'm saying my whole fucking yest.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was It was just tough. It was just
Speaker 1: tough to see someone for who they were the whole
Speaker 1: time and for you to not. Yeah, but it's like
Speaker 1: I think we get blinded in love in that way, right.
Speaker 2: You know, love is blind, but the neighbors are not.
Speaker 1: And I love that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so real, I know, I know. Yeah, brutal,
Speaker 2: just like.
Speaker 1: You have to get there on your own.
Speaker 2: It's hard, Like, it's so true. Yeah, there's not so
Speaker 2: much you can do in situations like that.
Speaker 1: You can't because the options are like literally like get
Speaker 1: in someone's face and be like this person's fucking horrible
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 2: That does nothing.
Speaker 1: It fucks with our friendship. Yeah, and it's like, I
Speaker 1: love you so much, I just don't want I don't
Speaker 1: ever want that. So I'm just like, you gotta you
Speaker 1: gotta let people fall flat on their fucking face.
Speaker 2: Yes, totally.
Speaker 1: And that's what people had to do with me too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just like people are gonna do what they're
Speaker 2: gonna do. I remember a sorority sister of mine in
Speaker 2: college was in the most toxic relationship on again, off again,
Speaker 2: really brutal. To watch and I remember saying something to
Speaker 2: her when they broke up, and I remember she just
Speaker 2: looked at me. It was just like, it doesn't matter
Speaker 2: what you say. It never will matter what you say.
Speaker 2: I'm in love with him and I'm going to do
Speaker 2: this for as long as I want. And I was like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: fair enough. And I've just felt that way. The hurt
Speaker 2: him sens's and that's that's it. Like you can say
Speaker 2: it once and then if they stay together and they
Speaker 2: don't listen to your advice, you cannot say it again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you can, but it just it really
Speaker 1: just drives a wedge in the friendship. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: because it's like you love that person more than anyone
Speaker 1: right now, including me. It's not even including your family.
Speaker 1: It's just like.
Speaker 2: It's not even that you love them more. It's just
Speaker 2: like that type of love. Yeah, is really like it
Speaker 2: like w warps things. Yeah, because I don't feel that
Speaker 2: that it's always like more. It's just like that's like
Speaker 2: anchoring in a way that other relationships are not.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I guess like you're life.
Speaker 1: That's your partner, that's your partner. Yeah, it's like the
Speaker 1: person that you like in envisional life with I think
Speaker 1: that's the hardest part about that. It's like you are
Speaker 1: building a life with someone and you don't really want
Speaker 1: to hear from your friends or family that the person
Speaker 1: you're building with is basura.
Speaker 2: What's that trash? Trash I speak Spanish. I just didn't
Speaker 2: for some reason pick up on that, like linguistic flourish basa. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that was tough. That was tough for everyone. It was
Speaker 2: tough for you. It was tough for me too.
Speaker 1: It was tough for all of us.
Speaker 2: What's the best worst thing that's ever happened to you?
Speaker 1: My mom's suicide. Like that's intense, Yeah, but that's that's it.
Speaker 1: It's like, on paper, that's a bad thing, but in
Speaker 1: the ways it has affected my life, it's a really,
Speaker 1: really great thing. It's like the most profound thing that's
Speaker 1: upper had happened to me because I was able to Hey,
Speaker 1: it's the reason I got sober. It's the reason I
Speaker 1: like quit drinking, and that was that was gonna kill me.
Speaker 1: Like I I don't remember, was I talking to you
Speaker 1: or I was talking to someone the other day about
Speaker 1: I was like, I didn't envision being here at thirty
Speaker 1: seven and yeah, it was you right, yeah, And You're like,
Speaker 1: where did you envision being? And I said dead deady
Speaker 1: And I mean that with my whole heart. Like I
Speaker 1: did not think I was going to make it past
Speaker 1: thirty because of how hard I was partying, and I
Speaker 1: don't know that I would have. I got sober when
Speaker 1: I was twenty eight because that's when my mom died.
Speaker 2: And what about her death made you get sober? Was
Speaker 2: it because she was a drunk?
Speaker 1: No, she wasn't. She wasn't a drunk. I drank at
Speaker 1: her like my whole life. She was like, you're going
Speaker 1: to be an alcoholic just like your father, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: my dad fucking slaps, Like my dad's fucking cool, So
Speaker 1: whatever he does, I'll do. So it was like it
Speaker 1: almost became like an elaborate performance art piece to prove
Speaker 1: to her that I could have the life that she
Speaker 1: couldn't and still drink, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: So like I was like, I have a big job,
Speaker 1: I have this great husband, I have wonderful friends, I
Speaker 1: have all this shit, and I drink like it's never
Speaker 1: The drinking was never the problem. But then it was
Speaker 1: like when I felt the drinking start to not be
Speaker 1: as rewarding or fun. I never stopped because I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I still have to prove this to her.
Speaker 2: But was she even around you?
Speaker 1: No. It was like some weird psychological hold that she
Speaker 1: had on me. And we were estranged for six years.
Speaker 1: But when she died, it was like I literally felt
Speaker 1: relief was the first thing I felt.
Speaker 2: Relief.
Speaker 1: Relief was the first thing I felt, because it was yeah,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, relief. I just was like the time. No,
Speaker 1: we were strange for five or six years, and I
Speaker 1: just was like, she was never going to find peace here.
Speaker 1: She never had a day of happiness or joy, Like
Speaker 1: she just didn't experience joy. She was so mentally ill.
Speaker 1: And and then also she caused everyone else so much pain.
Speaker 1: So I was relieved not only for myself but for
Speaker 1: my family and for everyone that like you know, like
Speaker 1: that cycle and yeah yeah, and and then the relief
Speaker 1: of like, oh, I don't have to keep drinking at
Speaker 1: this person. I don't have to keep killing myself to
Speaker 1: prove a point to this person that's like not even
Speaker 1: here anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean. So that
Speaker 1: was that was the best worst thing that's ever happened
Speaker 1: to me.
Speaker 2: Wow, what about you be well, I have a question though, Okay,
Speaker 2: But being a strange from her for the six years
Speaker 2: before she died, was that like no communication at all
Speaker 2: or it was just like not anything meaningful to you.
Speaker 1: It was like she would send emails here and there.
Speaker 1: I kept blocking her, and then she would like get
Speaker 1: new email addresses and get new you know, different numbers
Speaker 1: and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: But yeah, it was and she would reach out because
Speaker 2: you'd block her and stuff. Yeah, she would find another
Speaker 2: way to reach through the side door.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, she would reach out. And it's really sad
Speaker 1: because like I've gone through those emails recently, and like,
Speaker 1: because I was so hurt and tormented by her, I
Speaker 1: couldn't see like the pain and the love and like
Speaker 1: I couldn't see what she was actually saying. I saw
Speaker 1: it through the lens of like somebody who had hurt
Speaker 1: me so bad in the past trying to like reignite
Speaker 1: and retrigger like my wounds. But like when I reread
Speaker 1: the emails recently, I was just like, oh, this is
Speaker 1: really fucking sad. It's just like a mom being like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, the weather's the weather sucks here, and I
Speaker 1: want to go on vacation and I miss you and
Speaker 1: I love you. She would say something yeah, and I
Speaker 1: just wouldn't respond because I was like no, like she
Speaker 1: did so much damage that I couldn't respond. But it
Speaker 1: is really it's tricky. It's like when she died. So
Speaker 1: I don't know if I ever told you this, but
Speaker 1: I had like just a feeling. I just had a feeling.
Speaker 1: It was a random Sunday and I had a feeling
Speaker 1: that she did that something was wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.
Speaker 1: Had blocked her. And I don't know if you know this,
Speaker 1: but if you block someone, they can still leave you
Speaker 1: a voicemail. It just goes to a different folder. I
Speaker 1: didn't know that, and I just had like a feeling.
Speaker 1: I was like a folder blocked messages. Wait, do you
Speaker 1: have any sure? I do? Have you blocked people?
Speaker 3: Of course?
Speaker 1: Of course, And of course where's the so go under voicemail,
Speaker 1: go to the very bottom.
Speaker 2: Oh god, very sure. It's going to be from you know.
Speaker 1: Oh, you should delete some of those baby blocked fourteen.
Speaker 2: It's definitely from my ex.
Speaker 1: Wait who are these all from? I don't know you
Speaker 1: have so many of them? M hm, do you know
Speaker 1: what number that is?
Speaker 2: No? This is oh this Oh, this is this guy
Speaker 2: from the no I don't know who this is. I
Speaker 2: don't know who these people are.
Speaker 1: These people are, but they're all blocked.
Speaker 2: They must have been annoying. This person is in my phone?
Speaker 2: Is block this fucking number? Sometimes I just blocked, like spam.
Speaker 2: Oh okay, okay, never mind, not it's not tea. So
Speaker 2: I had a feeling and I checked my blocked voicemail.
Speaker 2: Why would they let you do that? Do what eave
Speaker 2: a voicemail if you're blocked?
Speaker 1: I don't know what was the point. I'm glad they
Speaker 1: did because I had one from my mom, okay, and
Speaker 1: it was the first time. So basically she would leave
Speaker 1: me a voicemail and she would be like, Hi, it's Mom,
Speaker 1: Da da da da da, and I hope you're good,
Speaker 1: and then she would like dive off into the deep
Speaker 1: end of life. But these guys are like out to
Speaker 1: get me, and like like she' her fucking psychosis would
Speaker 1: kick in. But this voicemail was just nice. It was
Speaker 1: just the first time she ever left me a nice
Speaker 1: vossage ever. And I was still drinking at the time, obviously,
Speaker 1: and Chris and I were going to brunch and I
Speaker 1: started like hammering drinks and he was like, what is
Speaker 1: going on?
Speaker 2: Was he a drunk too?
Speaker 1: Yeah? We drank together and then he got sober too.
Speaker 1: He got sober a year after I did, like never
Speaker 1: drank since. Wow, yeah, his life like completely.
Speaker 2: Is it rude to say a drunk should say alcoholic?
Speaker 2: Is like a midget? Like like you know what.
Speaker 1: I mean, small person? You tried to make it worse
Speaker 1: than No.
Speaker 2: Feels like derogatory to say drunk. I realized I should
Speaker 2: feel like an alcoholic, Like are you like a person
Speaker 2: with a drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic, but you can
Speaker 2: call me She's a non drinking person.
Speaker 1: No drinking drunk. He's a non drinking drunk. Okay, wait,
Speaker 1: so you get this male from my mom. Let me
Speaker 1: see if I can find it. Yeah, why not? Huh?
Speaker 2: It's just intimate, is it? What's your life?
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I can find it. Let
Speaker 1: me see.
Speaker 2: Last was the year that he remained and like actively
Speaker 2: drinking and you are sober? A challenging one in the marriage. Very,
Speaker 2: that sounds really difficult.
Speaker 1: Very, I'm going to tell you all about that in
Speaker 1: one second. Okay, this is let me see. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: I really So this is the voicemail where I knew
Speaker 1: she was dead.
Speaker 2: Hi, Berdy's mom, I'm just calling to is Sue a
Speaker 2: wonderful day.
Speaker 3: I hope everything is going well with you and Chris
Speaker 3: and your wife and your job.
Speaker 1: And I'm glad you're so happy.
Speaker 3: Looks like I'll be heading out to California.
Speaker 1: Not your way, northern California. Don't worry, but anyway, this.
Speaker 4: One is gone.
Speaker 1: Have an awesome day and I'll be okay.
Speaker 3: Take care, bye bye.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: She wanted to tell you don't worry, not by you.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, that's heavy.
Speaker 1: So that was her story to everyone, was that she
Speaker 1: was going to northern California. She always said that. She said,
Speaker 1: she just said that to everyone when she wasn't. No,
Speaker 1: she never she was closed to the basement to kill herself.
Speaker 5: Oh destination suicide.
Speaker 3: I'm sucking up. I'm sorry, Holy shit.
Speaker 1: Anyway, Okay, anyway, I got that voicemailed. I knew she
Speaker 1: was that because she never left me a nice message
Speaker 1: before in my life.
Speaker 2: And yeah, like, oh did she you think she knew that?
Speaker 2: That was like a goodbye.
Speaker 1: It was like the day before she killed herself. She's
Speaker 1: kind of doing her last rounds with everyone, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: she was apparently.
Speaker 2: Never let me tell you whether California if I tell
Speaker 2: you what, just know what that's fucking going for what's
Speaker 2: going on today? Just thinking about a trip to northern California.
Speaker 1: Nor don't worry not about you.
Speaker 3: Don't.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's really you should talk do that
Speaker 2: on stage.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Anyway, I was gonna say something. Oh,
Speaker 1: so before her death, she was apparently so happy. And
Speaker 1: I guess that's a phenomenon that happens to people when
Speaker 1: they decide they're going to kill themselves.
Speaker 2: I've heard about that, and they're.
Speaker 1: Just like scoot tooting around ut.
Speaker 2: Likes it like releases you from something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the literal prison and pain of being on this earth,
Speaker 1: I do think.
Speaker 2: I mean, I know we're going between like really funny
Speaker 2: things and really dark things. So but I was I
Speaker 2: don't know where this was in one of these like
Speaker 2: spirituality podcasts where I'm trying to like find a semblance
Speaker 2: of peace, but like someone was talking about how like
Speaker 2: the discomfort of like being in like your human body
Speaker 2: as like a symptom of knowing that like we're all
Speaker 2: like one and like our spirit all of these things,
Speaker 2: and like it is true that like it is like
Speaker 2: relentlessly uncomfortable to be alive.
Speaker 1: It is and like and that's just what we have
Speaker 1: to deal with. Yeah, I mean it's just a prison
Speaker 1: of pain. Yeah, it's just.
Speaker 2: With moments, with interludes of just.
Speaker 1: Small just to fragments, just enough to get Yes, it's.
Speaker 2: It's just you just have to accept that it's uncomfortable
Speaker 2: or or it's really going to be difficult.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, and it is difficult even when except like I
Speaker 2: don't know what else to do. It's not like we're
Speaker 2: not therapized or self aware all these things. It's just
Speaker 2: like this is it, man.
Speaker 1: No, okay, but the whole purpose of us coming down
Speaker 1: to earth is to like grow and evolve, and the
Speaker 1: only way you do that is to experience pain. So well, well.
Speaker 2: I've been experiencing, well, I've been experiencing wait to talk
Speaker 2: about tell me about the year when you are getting
Speaker 2: sober and he's not because I can't even imagine what
Speaker 2: that's like in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm really really I could.
Speaker 2: Actually, Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 1: Really really really hard because I'm going through like some
Speaker 1: of the biggest upheaval and change of my life, and
Speaker 1: he's partying harder than ever.
Speaker 2: Are you tempted to drink when he's doing that? No,
Speaker 2: you're like very clear that you're no longer I was
Speaker 2: very clear, Like you're clear that you're no longer drunk midget.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're no longer a drug bitche No. I was
Speaker 1: very clear, and honestly, the way in which he.
Speaker 2: Is calling you guys drunks, it's so rudeal like he's
Speaker 2: also drunk.
Speaker 1: He's also a drunk. You guys are both drunks anyways, losers. No,
Speaker 1: I was so clear, and I became more clear the
Speaker 1: more he drank, because he got so unattractive to me,
Speaker 1: Like he would like come back from parties like not
Speaker 1: it's not like falling over like blackout, taking his clothes off,
Speaker 1: being like a fuck ma like literally, no, there's nothing
Speaker 1: I want to do less And then he would like
Speaker 1: throw his body on me and be like come on,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, yeah, I'll call the police, like I
Speaker 1: will actually, And.
Speaker 2: We often talk about how disgusting drunk behavior is.
Speaker 1: Drunk behavior is gross, and I it also gives me
Speaker 1: like PTSD at this point because I'm like the fact
Speaker 1: that I know I was that person in so many
Speaker 1: people's lives and stories where I thought I was the
Speaker 1: fucking shit. Yeah, and I was just like allowed drunk slut,
Speaker 1: like it's very upsetic.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I mean, if there's anyone you to talk
Speaker 2: to about, how off putting and at the same time
Speaker 2: sort of sexually appealing drunk blonde woman ares me because
Speaker 2: I have a very polarizing relationship with them. And they
Speaker 2: are loud and entitled and difficult and make no sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the ones they drinking are weafy. It only
Speaker 1: takes him a sip or two to start unraveling their families.
Speaker 1: At least me, I was like a fucking I could drink,
Speaker 1: like you can tell I'm a I'm a farm girl.
Speaker 3: I could.
Speaker 1: I could really handle it. But yeah, no, it's tough.
Speaker 1: It was tough for christ and Night and I bleed
Speaker 1: the face. I'm gonna start drinking again right now on
Speaker 1: this podcast. It was tough for christ and I and
Speaker 1: I told him I was like, I think you have
Speaker 1: to like do a sober month because his whole ship
Speaker 1: was like turned upside down, Like he hated his job
Speaker 1: and then he lost his job, and then he was
Speaker 1: like in a really dark place. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I think you gotta like cut the sauce for like
Speaker 1: a second. Yeah, I was like, just do sober October.
Speaker 1: See how you feel.
Speaker 2: I didn't even know that was a thing.
Speaker 1: Sober October. It's a thing.
Speaker 2: You famous said to me once when I suggested my
Speaker 2: ex do dry January. You were like, she's gonna reply,
Speaker 2: let's actually do break up January.
Speaker 1: It's actually, let's actually break up.
Speaker 2: I have an idea. Break up Sober October.
Speaker 1: Okay, sober October. And he lost fifteen pounds in one month.
Speaker 1: He started biking again, He like got himself back, and
Speaker 1: I was so close to the end at that point,
Speaker 1: like I literally with my therapist made a like timeline.
Speaker 1: I was like, if he doesn't turn his shit around
Speaker 1: by January, I'm out, Like I can't do this. And
Speaker 1: then he did sober October. He turned his whole life around.
Speaker 1: He got a huge job in January, and then we
Speaker 1: stayed together for like another couple of years.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, until I realized it wasn't the alcohol.
Speaker 2: Right right, right, but still.
Speaker 1: But still, it was like his life changed dramatically, and
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of him, Like he just stayed stayed sober. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's fucking crushing it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I I can't imagine how hard because for whatever reason
Speaker 2: I can do, I can drink and do hard drugs,
Speaker 2: and I, for whatever reason, I'm not an addict. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and it's hard to not do, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like, Yeah, I'm so envious of you. I'm so envious
Speaker 1: of anyone like and I have. You have a lot
Speaker 1: of friends who are like that too, Well, not a lot,
Speaker 1: but I feel like your friends are also like that,
Speaker 1: where like they can drink and they're nobody's like a
Speaker 1: drunk or a mess or a problem.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's it's so it has their own affliction.
Speaker 1: Well, we all have our own afflictions, but it's nice
Speaker 1: to not be like the drunk, crying slob in the corner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, that's great. That's great. That's when I knew
Speaker 1: I needed to stop drinking when crying a lot. No,
Speaker 1: I was popping when I stopped popping pussy and started crying, well,
Speaker 1: because I told myself popping pussy, popping pussy, what does
Speaker 1: that mean? Popping pussy?
Speaker 2: Throwing it back meaning fucking yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, that used to be the only side effect.
Speaker 1: But then my mom's funerals the last time I drank,
Speaker 1: because I like made a package drunk at the funeral, Yeah,
Speaker 1: hammered I, but I made a pack to myself beforehand.
Speaker 1: I was like, you're not gonna get drunk tonight, Like
Speaker 1: we're gonna have a few drinks, We're gonna be sick.
Speaker 1: Mindicate it. And then I got fucking blackout. And then
Speaker 1: I wound up the next morning. I was like with
Speaker 1: a friend and my cousin in your movie, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: woke up with like a friend and a cousin. I
Speaker 1: was like, I wasn't that bad last night, And they're like,
Speaker 1: you were literally crying on the bar for three hours,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, I'm done. I didn't like
Speaker 1: being told about my life, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: I didn't like.
Speaker 2: That's very uncomfortable. That's a really uncomfortable level of drunk.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, I don't like this. Like that, there's
Speaker 1: like a version of me that's out in the world,
Speaker 1: just like operating and doing shit.
Speaker 2: That's terrifying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, knowing that.
Speaker 2: Level of being inebriated is really scary and it's also
Speaker 2: so dangerous. Have you ever been that drunk, yes, okay,
Speaker 2: I mean blackout yeah, like in college.
Speaker 1: Yeah, see you could probably.
Speaker 2: Like in college. I I had a night I remember,
Speaker 2: I like didn't remember how I got home, just one night,
Speaker 2: I'm sure, no there And then there was there was
Speaker 2: one famous night in my household at least where I
Speaker 2: was drinking on so much and started puking, and my
Speaker 2: friend who I was with, called an ambulance to take
Speaker 2: me to the hospital because that was like what you
Speaker 2: did in college. And I by the time I got
Speaker 2: to the hospital, I had like sobered up and I
Speaker 2: just like left. Oh sorry, oh no, this was the story.
Speaker 2: There's two separate nights. That night got me into a
Speaker 2: program at NYU where I had to check in about
Speaker 2: my alcohol intakes.
Speaker 1: Okay, good, good start.
Speaker 2: So I did that. And then there was one other
Speaker 2: time I got so fucked up. I was doing a
Speaker 2: lot of shots. It was I think my sophomore year
Speaker 2: of college, and I went out with my friends to
Speaker 2: jay Z's club, like the forty forty club, the fifty
Speaker 2: fifty club something, and I gave her my bag and
Speaker 2: in my bag with all of my things, my phone,
Speaker 2: my wallet, whatever. I leave the club, I take a
Speaker 2: taxi up town. I remember that I get out of
Speaker 2: the taxi. I don't have money, and I just like ran.
Speaker 2: I was standing outside my friends apartment who I left
Speaker 2: at the club, buzzing to get in and to go
Speaker 2: to sleep at her apartment. And then I found my
Speaker 2: way into a diner. I fell asleep on the counter.
Speaker 2: The diner called my dad and said, like, I guess
Speaker 2: I drunkenly gave him his phone number. He drove in
Speaker 2: from Connecticut. He was like, where are you. I was
Speaker 2: like twenty second and second and the diner was like
Speaker 2: sixty seven, relax, like it was like wrong. He drove in,
Speaker 2: He picked me up. I went home. I woke up
Speaker 2: in my childhood home. Okay, I was in college and
Speaker 2: I woke up in my childhood bedroom. And I literally
Speaker 2: have not gotten fucked up like that.
Speaker 1: Since your parents are so special. Your parents are so special,
Speaker 1: the best. Like even the other night on the weed Gummy,
Speaker 1: they were worried about you. I was thinking about it,
Speaker 1: and part of me when I was like, I was like,
Speaker 1: if I called my dad panicking about anything, he would
Speaker 1: be like get a grip and hang.
Speaker 2: Up, like you think, but he's also there for you.
Speaker 1: He's there for me, not in that way. I don't
Speaker 1: have anyone there for me in that way. Like it's
Speaker 1: been very like you got to be a fucking soldier
Speaker 1: out here, but like your family's so special. Like my dad,
Speaker 1: if he would have gotten that call, he'd be like,
Speaker 1: all right, she'll figure it out. Like there's no I
Speaker 1: just love that they came and picked you up and
Speaker 1: like made sure you were safe. That's so sweet and wonderful.
Speaker 2: It was amazing. It was very sweet. And I woke
Speaker 2: up the next day and I remember they didn't even
Speaker 2: say to me. They were like, we're putting you on
Speaker 2: the train and go like get your stuff. They were
Speaker 2: I think they had been so worried about me that
Speaker 2: on top of it, they knew I wasn't gonna need
Speaker 2: like a lecture, right. It was just the results were
Speaker 2: so bad. The results are that it was just like
Speaker 2: you can now clean it up, yeah, which I do
Speaker 2: think that that is. I find that style of parenting
Speaker 2: to be admirable. They're not perfect, but that was like
Speaker 2: enough where I was like, okay, this is was really
Speaker 2: bad enough. Yeah, I was really disoriented when I woke
Speaker 2: up with that feeling is terrible.
Speaker 1: That's so crazy. That you only have like two of
Speaker 1: those nights.
Speaker 2: Of such intense blackout.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I've woken up in different cities.
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Like I've gotten on planes and like flown to different
Speaker 1: cities and forgot and then woke up.
Speaker 2: How do you go through tsa wasted like that?
Speaker 1: I'll show you.
Speaker 2: But where why? What is inspiring you to go get
Speaker 2: on a plane when you're blacked out?
Speaker 5: Dick?
Speaker 1: Oh? Like I would go on a little adventure, like
Speaker 1: a Sunday fun day would turn into now I'm in Cleveland.
Speaker 2: Really, They're like, get on a plane.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well they don't know. The guy I am talking
Speaker 1: to doesn't know how fucking fucking wasted I am. So
Speaker 1: they're just like, we'll send you a car, I'll send
Speaker 1: you this, I'll do this, I'll do that whatever, and
Speaker 1: a ticket. Yeah, and then I wake up in Cleveland.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that island.
Speaker 2: How many drinks is that that you're in that space?
Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing, Like I used to drink a
Speaker 1: whole bottle before I went out of what it varied
Speaker 1: throughout the years, but it starts. It's usually was rum
Speaker 1: like Bacardi parent an entire bottle and then when I
Speaker 1: was in college, I was drinking an entire bottle of Jamison.
Speaker 2: How do you not die?
Speaker 1: I should have.
Speaker 2: But by the way, why are you choosing the most
Speaker 2: disgusting liquor Jameson Jamison.
Speaker 1: Jamison had like a real run in Milwaukee in the
Speaker 1: in the early knots, in the tens. Whoa, it was
Speaker 1: on a real run. It was on a humdinger when
Speaker 1: you just drink it straight up. Yeah, just shot shot
Speaker 1: shot shot shot.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, for me, like five shots.
Speaker 1: Is like yeah for any person usually.
Speaker 2: Like maybe severely fucked up. Last night, I had a
Speaker 2: lot to drink, but it was over the course of many,
Speaker 2: many hours. But it was again maybe five drink yeah yeah,
Speaker 2: over the course of seven hours.
Speaker 1: Yeah see, I would probably see this is like the thing,
Speaker 1: this is why I can't drink again, because the way
Speaker 1: in which I drank would kill me.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like it I really I had no off switch.
Speaker 1: And it was like I was the kind of person
Speaker 1: where like when a waitress came to the table and
Speaker 1: I still had most of my drink left to order
Speaker 1: another one. Yeah, so that because I knew by the
Speaker 1: time she got back, I would need another one. Also,
Speaker 1: like working in the service industry. I was bartending, I
Speaker 1: was or I was cocktailing and bartending, so I would
Speaker 1: just rip shots all night long.
Speaker 2: And you were doing it. You were able to work
Speaker 2: fucked up. Yeah, wow, that is really impressive to me.
Speaker 2: I'd be like falling physically in a sleep.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I was. Yeah.
Speaker 2: How are you like you just built genetically then predisposed
Speaker 2: to be capable alcoholic?
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think it's like in our family, it's in our blood.
Speaker 2: Like I would I don't, I could not. I'd be
Speaker 2: like I can't speak.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No. See. The scariest thing about me and the
Speaker 1: scariest thing about my dad, which you know and love him.
Speaker 1: I got this from my dad, is we can both
Speaker 1: be in a full blackout and be fully coherent.
Speaker 2: Yeah. That's really scary having.
Speaker 1: Like this kind of a conversation with you, and then
Speaker 1: the next day I'll have no idea what was said,
Speaker 1: or that we even saw each other, or that we spoke.
Speaker 1: But there's no signs, there's no slurring, there's no like
Speaker 1: flop sweat, there's nothing other than just chops. What flap
Speaker 1: sweat is like when you know you get drunk and
Speaker 1: you start to get like slimy.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's gross.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: My most impressive drinking friends. I I actually think they're like,
Speaker 2: they drink so much. I would imagine they're gonna forget,
Speaker 2: but then they remember everything, right, which is also weird. Yeah,
Speaker 2: It's like, I'm like, how are you not blacked out?
Speaker 2: You drink more than anything?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I could bacillate between that two. It
Speaker 1: really depends where you caught me in my drinking career,
Speaker 1: because early on that was me. I would drink so
Speaker 1: much and I would remember everything. Yeah, and then the
Speaker 1: later it got my brain started getting tools in it.
Speaker 2: Do you think because of your tolerance? This is a
Speaker 2: dumb question, you just genuinely what you just keep drinking
Speaker 2: more and more and more and more and more. Does
Speaker 2: it always go like that or is there a certain point?
Speaker 1: It was more and more and more until I hit
Speaker 1: the limit and then it started going down and then
Speaker 1: I would have to drink less to get more fucked up.
Speaker 1: And that's actually like one of the signs of like
Speaker 1: later stage alcoholism, which is kind of scary because I
Speaker 1: hit that in my twenties.
Speaker 2: What is that?
Speaker 1: So it's like it was like a lot, a lot,
Speaker 1: a lot like high school college, it was like I
Speaker 1: was drinking a whole bottle before I even went out,
Speaker 1: and then when I went out, I was still drinking.
Speaker 1: Like I was drinking so fucking much.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But then when I was in my twenties and was
Speaker 1: still like drinking, it would take less to get me
Speaker 1: drunk because it's like your body's trying to protect you.
Speaker 1: It's like we know where we're going. We're gonna like
Speaker 1: shut the fucking system down.
Speaker 2: Oh that is scary, you know when you say that, though,
Speaker 2: I actually remember I drink so much my like junior
Speaker 2: senior year of high school that by the time I
Speaker 2: got to college, I was pretty burned out up for
Speaker 2: my sophomore year. Yeah, Like I did most of my
Speaker 2: heavy drinking my senior year of high school. I put
Speaker 2: on so much weight then and then I lost it
Speaker 2: in college. Yeah, because I was like totally drinking way
Speaker 2: too much.
Speaker 1: Yeah school, Yeah, I drank the whole the whole time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I just thought it was the hottest bitch. And
Speaker 1: then if you see pictures of me in college, I
Speaker 1: had like a beer.
Speaker 2: Belly, Like I was just like, yeah, but you have
Speaker 2: always been hot. But yeah, I.
Speaker 1: Hear you I was tanning twice a day. I looked
Speaker 1: like a fucking a pumpkin. Oh my gosh, what's the
Speaker 1: best worst thing that's ever happened to you? Did you
Speaker 1: answer that?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: I didn't answer it the best worst thing that's ever
Speaker 2: happened to me. It's hard for me to not like
Speaker 2: be first of all, it's really hard to answer that
Speaker 2: after your answer, right, because it's but also so tragic
Speaker 2: and traumatizing in a way that I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: you know what am I gonna say?
Speaker 5: But like.
Speaker 2: This is just like a theme of anything that you
Speaker 2: go through that you feel is so utterly terrible that
Speaker 2: ends up serving you in all of these ways. And like,
Speaker 2: I just don't I mean, I don't know. I think
Speaker 2: about that like Steve Jobs quote all the time where
Speaker 2: he's like, you can only connect the dots retrospectively, And
Speaker 2: it's true, it's just like every bad thing that happens
Speaker 2: that I'm it's like everything in my life that I
Speaker 2: cling onto so hard. The second I'm actually like authentically
Speaker 2: able to let go of it, all the shit that
Speaker 2: I would have like wanted in the first place comes in. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, yeah, So for me, obvious like the thing
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about is like, do you know this like
Speaker 2: horrifying breakup right involved gaslighting and all these things that
Speaker 2: was so painful.
Speaker 1: It was so painful, and.
Speaker 2: Then the after follows the best year of my life,
Speaker 2: like all these things. But yeah, it's just really hard
Speaker 2: when you're like in the middle of something to like
Speaker 2: you can't see.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't see the what is it? Can't see
Speaker 1: the trees through.
Speaker 2: The forest, something like that, something like that.
Speaker 1: Something like that. What assumptions do you think strangers make
Speaker 1: about me based off my social media?
Speaker 2: You answer it for me?
Speaker 1: For you, Yeah, I think highly intellectual, very very funny.
Speaker 2: It's so nice.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think it's a nice answer.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought I was gonna be like rude.
Speaker 1: No, I was getting there, highly highly intellectual because from
Speaker 1: you you're little your little threads, Yeah, those are always
Speaker 1: so funny and smart. And then when you post your clips,
Speaker 1: they're always so funny and smart.
Speaker 2: Oh thank you.
Speaker 1: But what people assume based off your social media is
Speaker 1: that is that they think you're happy, and I know
Speaker 1: you're not. No, I think they think you're dating your
Speaker 1: best friend, right though.
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, I know that though they all reply, yeah.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, and I just wonder, as another one of
Speaker 1: your close friends, why you never post me. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1: I actually don't care.
Speaker 2: Like I posted you a week ago.
Speaker 1: I was just kidding.
Speaker 2: You know, you're not or truth than just you do
Speaker 2: wonder that?
Speaker 1: No, I actually don't.
Speaker 2: I do post like six people, yeah, three of which
Speaker 2: are on heavy rotation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, okay. What do you think people think about
Speaker 1: me based off my social media.
Speaker 2: Or disaster or yeah, or just because of the brain colors?
Speaker 2: You wear a lot of bright colors. Probably, I think
Speaker 2: that's why. But you also like you're so it's what
Speaker 2: I also like love about you, and it's the same
Speaker 2: reason people think you're a whore like you are so
Speaker 2: like radically and honestly yourself. And it first of all,
Speaker 2: it does a few things. One is it does what
Speaker 2: it did to the start of our friendship, where it
Speaker 2: makes people really intimidated by you and we like hated
Speaker 2: each other at first, which is a fun story that
Speaker 2: I don't know if we've talked about on here, but
Speaker 2: you know, it's intimidating. But the other thing it does
Speaker 2: is it gives people permission to just be themselves around you.
Speaker 2: In a way that like I like really appreciate. Like
Speaker 2: I have this relationship with my youngest sister, specifically Sammy,
Speaker 2: where like I feel like I could say anything to
Speaker 2: her that like usually should be dripping in shame, like
Speaker 2: choices or my feelings about something, and we can laugh
Speaker 2: about it. And I have that same sense with you
Speaker 2: that like it's almost just you shine a light on
Speaker 2: something that's like should be so dark about something, and
Speaker 2: then it becomes really funny. Yeah, and it's very freeing.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I think that people maybe assume from they don't
Speaker 2: it's actually that they don't get to feel. I think
Speaker 2: like how like soft you are, right, and like big
Speaker 2: hearted you are, because like you can be like very
Speaker 2: like dark and promiscuous and like loud, like these things
Speaker 2: that people are like, there's no way she's like she's
Speaker 2: really sensitive. Yeah, and like you're not like a thoughtless person,
Speaker 2: you know. And I think that just you're edging in
Speaker 2: a way that people are like she's not thinking or something,
Speaker 2: and it's not true.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think a lot of times people and I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is based off my social media
Speaker 1: are just my general demeanor. People are always like I
Speaker 1: thought you were going to be such a bitch. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like I thought you were going to be such a
Speaker 1: huge bitch. And I'm like, because I can be by
Speaker 1: the way I can be, But that's not what That's
Speaker 1: not how I lead.
Speaker 2: Also, just like cowt girls, I've talked about this in general,
Speaker 2: just like people don't think cockgirls are gonna ever be nice, right,
Speaker 2: it's not even nice. Nice is the wrong word. I
Speaker 2: think that you're like big feeling and like you do
Speaker 2: care about some people. Mm.
Speaker 1: So you want to borrow my nions. You want to
Speaker 1: borrow my neans.
Speaker 2: Babe, I don't like you know, I just did my colors.
Speaker 1: You hate neons now, literally told me when you were
Speaker 1: I was going to meet your friends here, You're like,
Speaker 1: don't wear neons and look like a whore. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, is that what you think of me?
Speaker 2: No, But like neons are just first of all, it
Speaker 2: was a shabbat.
Speaker 1: Totally, I've never wear you to a shabbat.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I'm just saying they pull focus in a
Speaker 2: scary way sometimes.
Speaker 1: Also, this is what I'm going to say, This is
Speaker 1: what I'm going to say to you. No, I love
Speaker 1: that we're honest and.
Speaker 2: By the way, You've given me a full beauty makeover.
Speaker 2: You sat me down, you told me my hair's too short.
Speaker 2: I need to fix my nose, I need to fix
Speaker 2: my lips. I need filler, I need botogs. Here, you
Speaker 2: and I followed your step by step plan. I got
Speaker 2: a tan, I lost like five pounds, and I've never
Speaker 2: gotten more compounds in my life. Other people will not
Speaker 2: listen to your programming in terms of your beauty plan
Speaker 2: for them. I fucking did step by step.
Speaker 1: And you're and you've never been hot.
Speaker 2: You gave vehicle.
Speaker 1: Literally, I didn't tell you to lose weight, though you
Speaker 1: did that on your own. Okay, the neon. This is
Speaker 1: what I'm going to tell you, because it's there's a
Speaker 1: method to my madness. So when I put my first
Speaker 1: special out, how a Housewife, every single one of those
Speaker 1: clips went viral, every single one, And I was in
Speaker 1: a bright pink blazer. When I put Horning out, zero
Speaker 1: of them went viral and I was in all black. Okay,
Speaker 1: And then when I put the Don't Tell special out,
Speaker 1: I was wearing a bright blue blazer and neon underneath
Speaker 1: viral again, and so then I noticed a pattern, and
Speaker 1: I was like when I wear bright collars and say
Speaker 1: dark things, people.
Speaker 2: Are like, wow, okay, fine, it's almost like charactery. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's that's smart and I could see that.
Speaker 1: So then when I did it again with Don't Tell,
Speaker 1: and I wore that neon and it went viral again. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I think I have a formula. Yeah you do,
Speaker 1: and I'm a whore. And also, okay, we're gonna cut
Speaker 1: over to the Patreon Come join us. Okay, hi, honeys,
Speaker 1: if you're going on the artist Way journey with me.
Speaker 1: We are back this week after taking a week off
Speaker 1: because I lost my book. This week is recovering a
Speaker 1: sense of strength the week eight. This week tackles another
Speaker 1: major creative block. Time. You will explore the ways in
Speaker 1: which you have used your perception of time to preclude
Speaker 1: taking creative risks. You will identify immediate and practical changes
Speaker 1: you can make in your current life. You will excavate
Speaker 1: the early conditioning that may have encouraged you to settle
Speaker 1: for far less than you desire. Creatively, survival, one of
Speaker 1: the most difficult tasks and an artist must face, is
Speaker 1: a primal one, artistic survival. All artists must learn the
Speaker 1: art of surviving loss, loss of hope, loss of face,
Speaker 1: loss of money, loss of self belief. In addition to
Speaker 1: our many gains, we inevitably suffer losses over our artistic career.
Speaker 1: We have to acknowledge it and share it, right, because
Speaker 1: when you lose something, when you make something and it
Speaker 1: doesn't go the way you want or it doesn't get
Speaker 1: as far as you want. You know, I've like written
Speaker 1: pilots and I've done things and I've put them out
Speaker 1: into the world and not so many copies sold, you know,
Speaker 1: with my book, like not so many copies sold. I
Speaker 1: have written pilots that I like, really deeply believe in
Speaker 1: and they don't get bought. And I think it's important
Speaker 1: to take time to mourn those losses because you are
Speaker 1: pouring your soul out and you do hope that it
Speaker 1: gets received well, and not everything does. And I think like,
Speaker 1: in order to mourn those losses, you have to acknowledge them,
Speaker 1: and in order to heal them, you have to share them.
Speaker 1: So you have to share with someone that you trust
Speaker 1: that's going to be a safe space for you during
Speaker 1: this process about what it feels like to lose that.
Speaker 1: And in the book, it's comparing this type of loss
Speaker 1: to a miscarriage. Right, Like women, when we lose babies
Speaker 1: or don't bring babies to term, we spend a great
Speaker 1: deal of time mourning the loss of you know what,
Speaker 1: what could have been. And this is similar with artistic
Speaker 1: pursuits that don't go the way we want, or they
Speaker 1: never see the light of day, or you make something
Speaker 1: wonderful and it gets shelved. Like, we just need to
Speaker 1: make sure that we are giving time and space to
Speaker 1: properly mourn these things. True, just the disappointing reception of
Speaker 1: a good piece of work, the inability to move across
Speaker 1: into different mediums or a type of role due to
Speaker 1: other people's expectations are artistic losses that must be mourned.
Speaker 1: Perhaps the most damaging form of artistic loss has to
Speaker 1: do with criticism. Okay, so this one's really big, right,
Speaker 1: because we can get a piece of criticism that can
Speaker 1: derail us for years. And I had this happen when
Speaker 1: I first started doing comedy. My aunt told me, she said,
Speaker 1: you know, if you keep going with this comedy thing,
Speaker 1: it's really not going to be great for your position
Speaker 1: in the family. I mean, I made a joke about
Speaker 1: my grandma I like mocked her accent or something. She
Speaker 1: was from Britain and I've made it, but it was
Speaker 1: a funny joke, I was. What was it?
Speaker 3: It was?
Speaker 1: It's like, it's hard talking to your grandparents about dating
Speaker 1: because it's changed so much since back in the day.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm talking to my grandma on the phone.
Speaker 1: She's like, ohould go to the movie? Did you go
Speaker 1: to the movie or would you go to them? Do
Speaker 1: you go to the movie and get a milkshake? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, Grandma. Then afterwards we did the jitterbug,
Speaker 1: and by jitterbug I mean anal That was the whole joke.
Speaker 1: But my aunt told me basically if I kept doing comedy,
Speaker 1: I would not have a place in the family. And
Speaker 1: I was so hurt by that criticism that, like it
Speaker 1: really put a damper on me and my steam to
Speaker 1: go forward. So I think we can get criticism from
Speaker 1: well meaning people, we can get criticism from fucking controls
Speaker 1: on the internet, we can get criticism from all over
Speaker 1: the place, and it can really fuck us up, you know.
Speaker 1: So you just have to take time to mourn, mourn
Speaker 1: the piece of you that was hurt and kind of
Speaker 1: move on from that personal and nature nebulous as to specifics.
Speaker 1: This criticism is like covert sexual harassment, a sullying yet
Speaker 1: hard to quantify experience. The student emerges feeling shamed like
Speaker 1: a bad artist or worse, like a fool. So we
Speaker 1: just have to be we have to be very very
Speaker 1: careful about who we're letting view our work, especially in
Speaker 1: the beginning, who were opening it up to to criticize,
Speaker 1: because even if it's subtle or just like people take
Speaker 1: like little digs at you, they can build up and
Speaker 1: they can start to feel really bad and then they
Speaker 1: can kind of shut you down, and that'll kind of
Speaker 1: turn into artistic scar tissue where you're not going to
Speaker 1: be able to move forward. You're not going to be
Speaker 1: able to create the next thing because you're going to
Speaker 1: feel so bad about the first thing that you created
Speaker 1: that you can't you can't move forward. And a lot
Speaker 1: of times this will come from people in positions of power, right,
Speaker 1: This will come from teachers. This will come from people
Speaker 1: that are themselves creatively stuck and they don't want you
Speaker 1: you to break out in a way that they never
Speaker 1: were able to. So oftentimes, like if you're in school
Speaker 1: for film or art, or advertising or anything whatever. You're
Speaker 1: in school for a lot of times. You know, there's
Speaker 1: that old saying, if you can't do teach, and while
Speaker 1: I don't think it's always true, I think there there
Speaker 1: is a lot of truth to it. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of validity in that. You have to be really careful
Speaker 1: making sure that you don't take teachers feedback too seriously,
Speaker 1: because a lot of them are just people that wanted
Speaker 1: to do the thing, and they couldn't get past kind
Speaker 1: of their creative the creative not blocks, but the creative Gosh,
Speaker 1: they couldn't get past I'm like having a fucking brain
Speaker 1: aneurysm right now. They couldn't get past people like putting
Speaker 1: them down and criticizing them, and so they kind of
Speaker 1: shrunk into something smaller, which is, you know, a teacher
Speaker 1: and somebody who can then kind of pass down that
Speaker 1: sort of artistic trauma to the next victim, which ends
Speaker 1: up being their students. So just be very careful for
Speaker 1: people in power when you are pursuing a creative life,
Speaker 1: because those are often people that are unable or unwilling
Speaker 1: to expose themselves to the rigors and disappointments of creating themselves.
Speaker 1: They alternately over control and undercut their best endeavors, seeking
Speaker 1: vicariously to fulfill or justify their own position on the sidelines.
Speaker 1: And here's what we need. All of us need encouragement.
Speaker 1: I want to give you encouragement to create. You need
Speaker 1: to be encouraged to create, like we all just need
Speaker 1: to have each other's back in the creative process. As artists,
Speaker 1: we are like little kids. We do need a lot
Speaker 1: of love and care. And so just make sure you're
Speaker 1: giving that to yourself. And if you can't give it
Speaker 1: to yourself, find someone in your life who can be
Speaker 1: there for you in that capacity. Don't become over the
Speaker 1: cerebral that will cripple you. Artists and intellectuals are not
Speaker 1: the same animals. Many gifted artists languish for years in
Speaker 1: wake of such blows, Shamed at their supposed lack of
Speaker 1: talent their grandiose dreams. The young artists may channel their
Speaker 1: gifts into commercial endeavors and then forget their dreams of
Speaker 1: doing more groundbreaking and risky work. They may work as
Speaker 1: editors instead of writers, film editors instead of directors, commercial
Speaker 1: artists instead of fine artists. In order to recover our
Speaker 1: sense of hope and courage to create. We must acknowledge
Speaker 1: and mourn the scars that are blocking us. Like the
Speaker 1: career of any athlete, you guys were gonna get hurt,
Speaker 1: all right. We're gonna have losses, We're gonna have injuries.
Speaker 1: We are going to look back on our creative careers
Speaker 1: and be like, ooh, I you know, that wasn't my best.
Speaker 1: That wasn't my best, that wasn't my best work. The
Speaker 1: trick is to survive them, to learn how to let
Speaker 1: yourself heal. No inventory of our artistic injuries would be
Speaker 1: complete without acknowledging those wounds that are self inflicted. Here's
Speaker 1: the other thing. Sometimes gain is disguised as loss. Right,
Speaker 1: every loss must always be viewed as a potential gain.
Speaker 1: It's all in the framing. Every end is a beginning.
Speaker 1: We know that, but we tend to forget that as
Speaker 1: we move through grief. I don't relate to anything more
Speaker 1: than this sentence in this chapter. I am in such
Speaker 1: a state of personal grief right now that I can't
Speaker 1: understand what it's all for. But I know intellectually, because
Speaker 1: I've been through so much pain in my life before,
Speaker 1: that something great is on the other side of this.
Speaker 1: Struck by a loss, we focus understandably on what we
Speaker 1: leave behind, the lost stream of the work, successful fruition,
Speaker 1: and its buoyant reception. We need to focus on what
Speaker 1: lies ahead. This can be tricky. We may not know
Speaker 1: what lies ahead, and if the present hurts this badly,
Speaker 1: we tend to view the future as impending pain. How
Speaker 1: can this loss serve me? Where does this point my work?
Speaker 1: Those are questions you need to ask yourself. The trick
Speaker 1: is to metabolize pain as energy. If you're only willing
Speaker 1: to look at your work differently or walk through a
Speaker 1: different door. Yeah, so this is like, make sure you
Speaker 1: know that every time you suffer a creative loss or
Speaker 1: a loss in life like this goes you know. This
Speaker 1: is sorry New York. It's sirens all the time. This
Speaker 1: is a personal message and a creative message. Like when
Speaker 1: you're in the shit and you can't see the other
Speaker 1: side of it, just know that, Like, just trust the process.
Speaker 1: The pain is important. The failures are teaching you something,
Speaker 1: and you've got to just keep going. Whenever I've taken
Speaker 1: no for a final answer, I've stalled, stalled and gotten stuck,
Speaker 1: I've learned that the key to career resiliency is self
Speaker 1: empowerment and choice. Also, it's really hard to hit a
Speaker 1: moving target. So if you just keep going, even if
Speaker 1: you fall down creatively and something happens that's not aligned
Speaker 1: with the version of yourself that you wanted to kind
Speaker 1: of get to creatively. Just like you know, a play
Speaker 1: gets rejected, a piece of art gets reject whatever it is,
Speaker 1: whatever the rejection or the sadness that you're experiencing as
Speaker 1: an artist, it cannot hit a moving target. So you
Speaker 1: just have to keep going. You just the next day,
Speaker 1: even after you're in you know, an insurmountable amount of pain,
Speaker 1: you just have to put pen to paper, write your
Speaker 1: morning pages, do your artist dates, do just the little
Speaker 1: things that are taking care of you and your inner artist,
Speaker 1: and make sure that you just keep moving because you
Speaker 1: can't hit a moving target. But if you slow down
Speaker 1: enough and if you let kind of the grief and
Speaker 1: the sadness take over, then it does become creative scar tissue. Okay,
Speaker 1: don't let the bastards get you down. Honey, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get this fucking tattooed. Who wants to get tattoo? Should
Speaker 1: we all get bestie tats? None illegitamay take car boorundum.
Speaker 1: None illegitima tae carborundum. Don't let the bastards get you down.
Speaker 1: That used to be on prisoner of war camps, that
Speaker 1: should be on our fucking foreheads. Artists who take this
Speaker 1: to heart survive and often prevail. The key here is action.
Speaker 1: Pain that is not used profitably quickly solidifies into a
Speaker 1: laden heart, which means any which makes any action difficult.
Speaker 1: When faced with loss, immediately take one small action to
Speaker 1: support your artist, even if you're doing all you're doing
Speaker 1: is buying a bunch of tulips and a sketch pad.
Speaker 1: Your action says I acknowledge you your pain. I promise
Speaker 1: you a future worth having, age in time, product and process. Okay,
Speaker 1: how many times have we all said I'm too old
Speaker 1: to do that. I can't learn to act, I can't
Speaker 1: learn to play the piano, I can't learn to do this.
Speaker 1: I can't I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm to this,
Speaker 1: I'm too that, whatever the whatever it is. I'm too broke,
Speaker 1: I don't have the money, I'm too enough. It's just
Speaker 1: a block, all right, It's just a block. It's always
Speaker 1: used to avoid facing fear. When you say I'm too old,
Speaker 1: you're just afraid. That's it. Whatever you're afraid of I've
Speaker 1: talked about this before. I fear is your compass. Go
Speaker 1: towards it. Okay, I'm afraid of acting. I need to
Speaker 1: get into some acting classes. I scheduled it for the
Speaker 1: end of this month. All right, we are getting into
Speaker 1: We are getting into motion here, babies. All right. The
Speaker 1: thing is we don't want to look crazy and trying
Speaker 1: something anything, whatever it is at our age, whatever that
Speaker 1: age is, would look nuts. At the heart of anorexia
Speaker 1: of artistic avoidance is the denial of process. So you
Speaker 1: guys need to have a process too. You need to
Speaker 1: put something into your daily routine where you are nurturing
Speaker 1: your artist, whether it is writing one page of your
Speaker 1: screenplay a day, picking up a paintbrush at least once
Speaker 1: a day, whatever it is that you're on the journey,
Speaker 1: just like a little chunk of time fifteen minutes, even
Speaker 1: twenty minutes, because then it's like motion. It's a little
Speaker 1: bit of motion, right, rather than just being like boo,
Speaker 1: I have to write a whole screenplay in like two weeks.
Speaker 1: That's just not that's not a reasonable way to approach
Speaker 1: being creative all right. Fixated on the need to have
Speaker 1: something to show for our labors, we often deny our curiosities.
Speaker 1: Every time we do this, we are blocked to use
Speaker 1: our age as a block to creative work interlocks with
Speaker 1: our toxic finished product thinking we have set an appropriate
Speaker 1: age uncertain activities like college graduation, going to med school,
Speaker 1: writing the book first. This artificial ego requirement asks us
Speaker 1: to be done when we truly when what we truly
Speaker 1: yearn for is to start something. The grace to be
Speaker 1: a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist.
Speaker 1: The beginner's humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads
Speaker 1: to accomplishment, and all of it begins at the beginning,
Speaker 1: with the first small and scary step. So for this
Speaker 1: I like to equate it to something like a workout class.
Speaker 1: Like when you go to a plates class for the
Speaker 1: first time, you're like, I have no idea what I'm doing,
Speaker 1: Please help me. That is the attitude that gives you
Speaker 1: the best results. I have no idea what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: The second that you start to get cocky and you're like,
Speaker 1: I've been here before, I know what the fuck, I'm doing.
Speaker 1: That kind of attitude keeps you from growth. The beginner's
Speaker 1: mentality is so important to artists to keep having an
Speaker 1: open heart to everything you try, because you never know
Speaker 1: what you might find. And then it talks about filling
Speaker 1: in the form right. This is more of just most
Speaker 1: of the time, the next right thing is something small,
Speaker 1: washing your paint brushes, stopping by the art supply store,
Speaker 1: getting your clay, checking on your local paper for acting
Speaker 1: class black create like to think they're looking at changing
Speaker 1: their whole life in one fell swoop. This form of
Speaker 1: grandiosity is very often its own undoing. By setting the
Speaker 1: jumps too high or making the price tag too great,
Speaker 1: the recovering artist sets defeat in motion. Creative people are dramatic,
Speaker 1: and we use negative drama to scare ourselves out of
Speaker 1: our creativity. With this notion of wholesale and often destructive
Speaker 1: change in a creative career, thinking about the odds is
Speaker 1: a drink of emotional poison. It robs us of the
Speaker 1: dignity of art as process and puts us at the
Speaker 1: mercy of imagined powers out there. As a rule of thumb,
Speaker 1: the odds are what we use to procrastinate about doing
Speaker 1: what comes next. This is our addiction to anxiety in
Speaker 1: lieu of action. Once you catch onto this, the jig
Speaker 1: is up. Watch yourself for a week and notice the
Speaker 1: way you will pick up an anxious thought, almost like
Speaker 1: a joint, to blow off or at least delay your
Speaker 1: next creative action. Most block creatives have an active addiction
Speaker 1: to anxiety that I really really feel that we prefer
Speaker 1: the low grade pain and occasional heart stopping panic attack
Speaker 1: to the drudgery of small, in simple daily steps in
Speaker 1: the right direction. What I'm saying is that work begets work.
Speaker 1: Small actions lead us to larger movements in our creative life.
Speaker 1: Instead of asking what yourself might do for to hone
Speaker 1: your craft, fill the form what can you do right
Speaker 1: now in your life that is currently constituted? Do that
Speaker 1: thing one small daily action instead of indulging in the
Speaker 1: big questions. When we allow ourselves to wallow in the
Speaker 1: big questions, we fail to find the small answers. All right,
Speaker 1: you guys, Recovering creatives commonly undergo bouts of fierce rage
Speaker 1: and grief over the lost years. That is something that
Speaker 1: I have experienced, you know, I'm just like, I've lost
Speaker 1: so much time I could have been doing to stand
Speaker 1: up for so much longer I had. You know, I
Speaker 1: spent too much time in advertising when I knew I
Speaker 1: didn't want to be in advertising. Uh huh, cut it out.
Speaker 1: You're at where you're at right now. God's plan is perfect.
Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the process right now is exactly
Speaker 1: where you're supposed to be. Enjoy the ride, have some fun,
Speaker 1: and take care of your inner artists our babies. They
Speaker 1: love you.