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Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, bestie. Is it is mother?

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I am here in a beautiful day in New York City,

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and I am joined by one of my friends who

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you guys, we've had her on the pod before and

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you loved her a lot, and I'm so excited that

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she's back. Please enjoy this episode with my dear friend

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Ali Colbert. Thanks for coming, Thanks for having me back.

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I went to the doctor this morning, a doctor, a

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Chinese doctor. Oh that's the cup, a Chinese medicine doctor.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Wow, he gave me cupping. And he was just did

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he give you that peace sign? The peace sign?

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Speaker 2: Is that a tattoo? Oh, that's a tottoo you got

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you got lasered.

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Speaker 1: R it's a tattoo. I'm removing.

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Speaker 2: Okay, that's right. It's the same purple of the cups.

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Oh so I was confused.

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Speaker 1: For a second.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: He was trying to be like, be more peaceful, because

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I know I'm not peaceful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And You're like, well, this doesn't resonate with me anymore.

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I should take this off my body. You're like, this

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isn't landing. I don't feel peaceful.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just a good tattoos. I feel like you're

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getting into like a tattoo.

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Speaker 2: And we're getting into a tattoo. I was gonna get

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one last night because at my friend's birthday party there

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was like a tattoo guy and I was waiting to

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get one. And I had had like seven tequilas, so

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it was like, this makes sense.

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Speaker 1: Seven tequilas. That's kind of crazy for you.

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Speaker 2: I've been like fucked up for like a year and

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a half and I love that. Like drinking wise, like

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I mean, I'm fine, but like I definitely have been drinking.

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Like the part of me that doesn't drink is retired,

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right right, Okay, Like I'm drinking.

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Speaker 1: I remember you got into it last year, but I didn't.

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I thought you got out of it for some reason.

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Speaker 2: I go through periods. Yeah, but like like I'm so

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summer in New York, Like it's just like so fun

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to be drunk.

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Speaker 1: And trust me, you're ready to reloud.

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Speaker 2: No, I I know. I And also for some reason,

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like tequila soda, I have less of a hangover than wine.

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Speaker 1: M Yeah, my drink before I retired was Cosamigos blanco

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on the rocks, three lines totally and no hangover.

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Speaker 2: It's beautiful, right, I can have like twelve Yeah, I

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was doing Costetragones light soda water lime, and like I

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was just not getna hungover.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because soda waters water, so you're basically drinking water.

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Speaker 2: Also basically water, and like if you're out for hours,

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like it's like I'm hungover throughout the party. Do you

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know what I mean by the time I wake up,

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I was drunk two days ago, right, So I mean anyway,

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there was a guy who was doing tattoos and I

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was like, I'll get a tattoo, and then the line

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just was way too long.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so we should get a tattoo.

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Speaker 2: I would love to.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna get a tiny little tattoo. I'm gonna get

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tiny tattoos. No more big ones I had, like some

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big ones.

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Speaker 2: I don't Yeah, I don't, wouldn't do that.

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Speaker 1: No, I know these are like trashy.

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Speaker 2: What is that one?

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Speaker 1: The peacock?

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, I've never seen that.

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Speaker 1: You've never seen the peacock.

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Speaker 2: That's insane.

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Speaker 1: Do you know what the story? Hangout have to show

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everyone the peacock byther? Okay, there, what the fuck is that?

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Why do you have that? Okay, thank you so much.

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For your inquiry. I was in my like peak alcoholism.

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I lived in Venice Beach on the boardwalk, okay, and

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every time I would get hammered, I would go get

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a tattoo. I got six of my twelve times.

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Speaker 2: You don't have more tattoos. You were a huge drunk.

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Speaker 1: I know I have a lot of tattoos that I've removed, okay,

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but anyway, I would go get hammered and get tattoos.

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But this I went on a date with this guy

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at the sidewalk cafe and I didn't like him, and

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I was like, thinking of boys. I was such a

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people pleaser. I couldn't I couldn't just say hey, I'm

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not enjoying this, you need to go home.

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Speaker 2: You had to get a tattoo with him.

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Speaker 1: No, listen, I was I made in my drunk brain.

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I made it up and I was like, oh, this

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is fool proof. I was like, oh my god, I

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forgot I have a six hour tattoo appointment. I have

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to go.

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Speaker 3: Is that true? No?

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Speaker 1: In my brain, I was like, I'm a genius. And

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then I and I knew if I walked over to

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the tattoo shop at House of Ink, those guys would

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have my back because I did.

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Speaker 2: Not have your back tattoos.

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Speaker 1: Okay, no, but I was like I walked in, I

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was like, remember my tattoo appointment for a really long

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tattoo and they were like oh. The guy was like,

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oh yeah, the peacock feather on your rib cage and

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I was like yeah, and then I laid down for

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a four and a half hour tattoo.

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Speaker 2: But you, I thought it was I thought it was

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an excuse to get out of the date.

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Speaker 1: It was, but then he just came with me and then.

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Speaker 2: You decided to actually get the tattoo.

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Speaker 1: Well yeah, because it was right across the street from

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the bar that we were already hat. So he's like,

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I'll walk you over there, and he watched like did.

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Speaker 2: You sleep with him? No? This is worse than this

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is so brutal.

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Speaker 1: It was horrible because I have now the trashiest tattoo.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've never seen that tattoo. It's so weird because

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like I feel like I've seen you in like a

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bikini and stuff. But no, yeah, no, are you gonna

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get that removed? I can't because it's green and they

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can't remove green ink. Why it would take like ten

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times longer to remove, and this is so pain this

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is crazy. And removing I can't remove green ink.

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Speaker 1: It takes like twice as long, and oh it is

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so painful. Removing tattoos is literally like I wish when

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I was getting my tattoos someone made me feel how

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painful it was to remove it first, because it's literally

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like I'd rather have a going through my earth. I

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have no idea. The laser is just really.

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Speaker 2: Why don't they numb you like anything else, like a

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face laser? Well, because it can.

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Speaker 1: Numbing is always topical, right, it can only do so much.

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Speaker 2: Wow, that sucks.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so now I have this time.

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Speaker 2: I mean, who cares?

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Speaker 1: But like I know, the guy stayed the whole entire time. Yeah,

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and then at the end of the night, I was like, okay,

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now you have to go home, and he was like,

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I'm too drunk to drive. I have to stay over.

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Speaker 2: No, and he stayed in my bed with me, and

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I was like, don't this. I would rather fuck this

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guy than done anything you did. You had a platonic

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sleepover and got a permanent tattoo. Just fuck him. At

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this point, that would have taken less time and been

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less painful and less damaging.

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Speaker 1: And trust me, I know. I don't even remember the

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guy's name. I just know I have He was like

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a club promoter. It was a dark it was a

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dark moment.

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Speaker 2: It's not good, It's really bad.

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Speaker 1: So anyway, wow is that wild? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Wild? I feel like once you get one tattoo, like

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they all kind of like start to mean nothing, do

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you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they just don't have to mean anything. The first

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one I got was the one on my wrist, this

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infinity symbol, and I got it. I was did you

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get that removed? Because it's disgusting, and also I got.

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Speaker 2: It infinity symbol. I was gonna maybe get it last.

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Speaker 1: Night, great and get a small one.

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Speaker 2: This one was like that, it's like the death eater

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symbol from the dark.

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Speaker 3: What is that?

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Speaker 1: The dark mark the Dark? Like, no, it's so basically

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it's my best friend at the time, I was moving

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to LA and she was like, we have to get

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tattoos to like symbolize like our friendship is forever. And

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I was like totally. I went first, yeah and got this,

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and then right when I was done, I was like, oh,

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that was like way heavier and uglier. Than I thought

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it was gonna be.

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Speaker 2: But you don't see because they do a mark on

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you first.

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Speaker 1: I know. I just was kind of in the zone.

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Speaker 2: Are you drunk? Yeah, in the zone, I mean drunk zone.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: No.

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Speaker 1: And then I looked at it and I'm like, oh,

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that's no good.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Did she get one too, Nope?

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Speaker 1: She backed out afterwards. She was like, She's like, I

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don't think I want that, and now we're not friends. Yeah.

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So every time I get I'm getting it done. I'm

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just like, god, I hate that bitch so much.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, are you still getting it like removed

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or it's gone.

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Speaker 1: No, it's not gone. It's kind of gone, but it's

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not gone. Yeah, it needs like one more session.

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Speaker 2: I was dating a girl and I got I tattooed

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the word mine and my hammay to her ass.

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Speaker 1: Oh.

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Speaker 2: And she was like, now you get it, and I

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was like no. I was like, we're not going to

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be together. No, we obviously broke up.

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Speaker 1: But how long after the tattoo did you break up?

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Speaker 2: Maybe like six months?

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Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: No, I Like, she was like, why don't you get it?

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I was like, I'm not doing that.

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Speaker 1: I just know.

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Speaker 2: I know I got another excess name. Done with that.

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I think I told you the story I got with that,

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like ink that's meant to go away, yeah, which is

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basically like my attachment style. Totally, this is gonna be

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get them all.

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Speaker 1: I'm all in right now, I'm.

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Speaker 2: Fully in, right out. No, but like I got this tattoo,

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and then I when we broke up, I started dating

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someone new and I she was like, I can't like

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come if I see that on your arm. And I

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was like, okay, I'll go get it laser off. So

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I went, and I'm like, you can't come because you're

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a liar. So I went to to get it lasered off,

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and they said that they can't laser that type of ink.

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It sets it even more permanently. So it's like these

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semi permanent tattoos end up being like the most permanent.

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I mean it's mostly definitely gone. Now you could still

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see this kind of a scar almost, Yeah, it looks

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like a scar.

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Speaker 1: Did you get a laser.

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Speaker 3: Such that shion?

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Speaker 2: No? Oh, they said you can't.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah. That was like a trend for a minute,

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and then everyone realized those tattoos were like actually permanent.

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Speaker 2: No, they were permanent My sister got like four hideous

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tattoos that will not go away. She has like a

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lawn chair on her like side. It's really bad.

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Speaker 1: I almost got a slice of pizza on my arm.

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Speaker 2: That's awful. It's probably worse than the peacock. Why would

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you get a slice of pizza?

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Speaker 1: Well, because it was disappearing and I thought it was fun.

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Speaker 2: But is that funny? It's not cute.

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Speaker 1: It's nothing like a slice of pepperoni pizza. It's a

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cool tattoo.

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Speaker 2: No, it's not. Well, you didn't get it because it's

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not ultimately like you're going to defend the tattoo you

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didn't get as cool that you didn't get because it

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wasn't cool.

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Speaker 1: No, it is cool, and I wanted it.

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Speaker 2: Why a pepperoni pizza?

239
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:25,919
Speaker 3: I don't know.

240
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Speaker 2: Oh god, Brittany, these are really bad choices.

241
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:33,080
Speaker 1: And yeah, I need people. I need people to know

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what's going on up here.

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00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,120
Speaker 2: Pizza. Yeah, you love that?

244
00:09:38,799 --> 00:09:39,039
Speaker 1: Love?

245
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,080
Speaker 2: You love Italian food? I love yeah?

246
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,039
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my gosh, Okay, I'm gonna pull one of

247
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:48,639
these cards. Okay, I'm so excited. Really, when do you

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00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,440
feel most like yourself? No?

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Speaker 2: Okay, that's so gay. You're right, Okay, hit us get.

250
00:09:57,039 --> 00:09:57,519
Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 4: Sorry, so all right, never mind, this game is not

252
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:05,080
going to be fun really because they're like cheesy and

253
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,200
they're cheesy. Yeah, well I knew that was going to

254
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be the case.

255
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:13,919
Speaker 1: Thank you for being understanding of my blank.

256
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Speaker 2: Mental illness is of me? Me saying thank you for

257
00:10:20,159 --> 00:10:23,600
being understanding of my blank? Is that what it's saying?

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00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,080
Speaker 1: Thank you for being understanding?

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00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:34,799
Speaker 2: You would feel no, obviously, what would you say for me?

260
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Speaker 1: Mental?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? We have the same mental Yeah, mental illness.

262
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Speaker 1: I really should I see you try. I feel like

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00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,559
we need to do couples.

264
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Speaker 2: Okay, these are so fucking gay. I know, no, these

265
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,039
are awful. We can't do that. It's like, when how

266
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,000
do you celebrate stupid?

267
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,559
Speaker 1: Oh? This one? Have I ever betrayed your trust in

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00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:04,080
any big or small way?

269
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Speaker 2: You haven't betrayed my trust. You've just made like slight,

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00:11:07,519 --> 00:11:09,559
small decisions that have confused me.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, tell me which ones I mean?

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Speaker 2: I was just thinking about recently.

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00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

274
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Speaker 2: I thought it was weird that I introduced you to

275
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a really good friend of mine and then I found

276
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out through him that you were like staying in his

277
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house without telling me. Yeah, that was just more so,

278
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:32,480
I don't I didn't feel betrayed. I felt surprised, confused, confused.

279
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,200
I was just like, that's weird because we were talking

280
00:11:34,279 --> 00:11:37,159
during that time and you failed to mention, yeah that

281
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:41,320
you stayed with it. But in my defense, which is

282
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,720
thank you for being there for mental in my defense.

283
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,279
Speaker 1: My defense, now I've been that no health fire, acid

284
00:11:50,279 --> 00:11:51,960
bath of a breakup that I was in the middle of.

285
00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:54,440
I think it would have been different in my defense

286
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because I'm going to defend myself obviously.

287
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,679
Speaker 2: Okay, don't do that, Sure, defend yourself.

288
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,200
Speaker 1: I think it would have been way different if he

289
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:04,759
was there, don't you think.

290
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,639
Speaker 2: Well, if he was there and you didn't tell me,

291
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,639
that wouldn't have happened because I talked to him so

292
00:12:09,799 --> 00:12:12,320
much that he would have like been I would have

293
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,000
spoken to him and I would have like seen you

294
00:12:14,039 --> 00:12:17,679
in the background face like that would have been also

295
00:12:17,759 --> 00:12:19,960
really weird, also very strange.

296
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Speaker 1: That would that would have been insane, That would have

297
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,639
been you guys were fucking Yeah, that would have been

298
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:24,279
I'm not telling you.

299
00:12:24,279 --> 00:12:28,039
Speaker 2: I would like you're telling me something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

300
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,919
I mean no, but I haven't felt betrayed by you. No,

301
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,080
have you feel betrayed by me? Betrayed is the trade

302
00:12:34,159 --> 00:12:37,039
is a very word like we have ship like anyone else,

303
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:41,440
but like, no, not betrayed, like I don't feel but

304
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,679
trade is like backstabbing.

305
00:12:42,879 --> 00:12:44,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, betrayed Yeah, yeah.

306
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,039
Speaker 2: It's like intent. It feels like malicious in a way

307
00:12:47,039 --> 00:12:48,840
that like you and I I feel are more like

308
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:54,039
clumsy yeah, and are like oops oops or that hur oops.

309
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,399
Speaker 1: When I when I saw you were in LA and

310
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,720
I was like, can we hang out? Did you turn

311
00:12:58,799 --> 00:13:02,639
your location off? I didn't respond to me.

312
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,600
Speaker 2: Is that I did that? I'm shutting my location right now.

313
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:09,000
I don't want anyone to have it. It's stressing me out.

314
00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:11,039
Speaker 1: I get it, turn it off right. I feel like

315
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,200
you have to be able to be shady, like it's

316
00:13:13,279 --> 00:13:14,519
very important.

317
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,519
Speaker 2: Really breaking my heart. But I can't just like be shisty.

318
00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:20,720
Speaker 1: No, I told you, Apple came out with a feature

319
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:21,679
for you.

320
00:13:22,159 --> 00:13:25,200
Speaker 2: So many people sent me that you can congrats, bitch.

321
00:13:25,399 --> 00:13:29,440
I was like, it's because I'm too lean, I'm too

322
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,200
generous with my location. Okay, And by the way, I

323
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,159
did have it off for a while. That wasn't just

324
00:13:34,159 --> 00:13:36,200
off for you. I did have it off because similarly,

325
00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:38,559
I was going through a period I was being shady totally,

326
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,159
and then during those periods, I shut it and I say,

327
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:44,000
it's bad for my iPhone battery, bad for my and

328
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:50,360
I googled that it's integrity. It does, it does dream battery? Yes,

329
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:50,600
it does.

330
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:51,279
Speaker 1: It actually doesn't.

331
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,519
Speaker 2: I googled it.

332
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you gave me that excuse, I was like,

333
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:56,399
is she cast light?

334
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:56,759
Speaker 2: No?

335
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,200
Speaker 1: It does, No, it doesn't.

336
00:13:58,799 --> 00:14:01,240
Speaker 2: Is sharing your location with a ton of friends bad

337
00:14:01,279 --> 00:14:11,320
for your iPhone battery?

338
00:14:10,279 --> 00:14:10,320
Speaker 3: No?

339
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:15,440
Speaker 1: I told you. And why do people say that because

340
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,480
they're liars, Like, yeah, have grown drain. I don't know.

341
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,000
Speaker 2: I just like you really have to. But the other

342
00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:23,039
thing is like you have to share your location with

343
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:27,840
people that like have no expectations of you. Yeah, I don't,

344
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,080
and then it's fun, But I don't really have any

345
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,320
expectations with you. Like, think about the text you sent

346
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,240
me two nights ago, Hey you're al assuming? Was I

347
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,559
know I'm not leaving my house assuming you're not? I

348
00:14:37,559 --> 00:14:39,919
see you're out like something something that was full like yeah,

349
00:14:39,919 --> 00:14:41,600
we both think not like I don't know, I don't

350
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,240
really feel like we're gonna get in trouble with each other.

351
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,639
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I also like, I love people who cancel plans,

352
00:14:46,679 --> 00:14:48,840
and there's no one that cancels plans more than you.

353
00:14:48,879 --> 00:14:49,679
Speaker 2: No, it's not true.

354
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,039
Speaker 1: Oh it's so true. Really, I can always count on

355
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,240
you to cancel plan. Are you unfortunate? Because plans with

356
00:14:55,279 --> 00:14:56,519
you are ones that usually look forward to?

357
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:56,759
Speaker 3: Wait?

358
00:14:56,799 --> 00:14:59,480
Speaker 2: Are you serious? Do you think I cancel? Ali, I

359
00:14:59,480 --> 00:14:59,919
didn't know that.

360
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,399
Speaker 1: It's your whole personality is not showing up? Is your whole?

361
00:15:03,759 --> 00:15:04,519
Speaker 2: Are you serious?

362
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:05,399
Speaker 1: I'm dead? Seriously.

363
00:15:05,399 --> 00:15:06,320
Speaker 2: Wait, I'm shocked.

364
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,879
Speaker 1: Are you actually yes? Do you have any idea who

365
00:15:08,919 --> 00:15:10,080
you are?

366
00:15:09,559 --> 00:15:09,600
Speaker 3: No?

367
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,320
Speaker 2: No, But I actually think more than I cancel plans.

368
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,120
I actually think that you like to make plans and

369
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,320
I don't. Okay, I like to just play everything by

370
00:15:20,399 --> 00:15:23,840
your See, I don't identify as somebody who likes to

371
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,600
make You're always trying to make plans, and I'm always

372
00:15:25,639 --> 00:15:26,399
like I can't plan.

373
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,559
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm trying to just hang out.

374
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:30,720
Speaker 2: Okay, and maybe maybe I'm having a problem.

375
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,519
Speaker 1: I need like a little something on my calendar so

376
00:15:32,559 --> 00:15:33,919
I don't yeat myself.

377
00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:36,399
Speaker 2: No, I get that, But for some reason, when I.

378
00:15:36,279 --> 00:15:38,720
Speaker 1: Can't kill myself, I'm having crossots with Alliott the more.

379
00:15:38,679 --> 00:15:43,120
Speaker 2: Totally for some reason, plans sometimes I feel like like

380
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,480
take away from me planning how to yat myself, you

381
00:15:47,519 --> 00:15:49,960
know what I mean? Like I sometimes I go quite

382
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:53,720
insular when I'm depressed, right, Like I actually my friend

383
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,399
was talking to me about this the other day where

384
00:15:55,399 --> 00:15:57,360
he was like, when you're depressed, He's like, you like

385
00:15:57,399 --> 00:16:00,480
refuse to like socialize, Yes, when it is one thing

386
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,080
that will help me, and I like really go quiet.

387
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,720
Speaker 1: It's so much. I really relate to that though, because

388
00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:08,200
I had that moment like it was such a weird

389
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,240
time to move to New York when like the city

390
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,000
has never I thought, I'm gonna come to New York.

391
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:14,840
Everyone's miserably here. I'm gonna fit right in. Yeah, the

392
00:16:14,879 --> 00:16:17,320
city has never been happier. The Knicks won the finals

393
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,399
and it was like raw and I was just inside,

394
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,919
like I fucking hate everything.

395
00:16:22,039 --> 00:16:25,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really hard to not be like medicated here. Yeah,

396
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,480
you want to self medicate?

397
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, and also I want to self We all want

398
00:16:29,879 --> 00:16:33,000
to self medicate, I think. But then when we do,

399
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,960
we go do we have the edibles? And then you

400
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,919
we should talk about that. We need to talk about

401
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:43,480
should you start me all start, Okay, I'll start. So

402
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:48,559
we had these edibles. Yeah, they're two and a half milligrams.

403
00:16:48,639 --> 00:16:52,080
Nothing to teach, nothing, nothing that doesn't even make me

404
00:16:52,159 --> 00:16:52,759
skip a beat.

405
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:55,240
Speaker 2: Usually I take five milligram edibles all.

406
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,080
Speaker 1: The time, all the time. And you still feel nothing nothing?

407
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,000
Speaker 2: No, I feel high.

408
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,559
Speaker 1: Well, okay, fine, but like functional function all you. I

409
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,519
don't know what happened. They're called eating, They're called eating edibles.

410
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:05,079
Speaker 3: Yeah.

411
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:09,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, we went to Sugarfish and I this.

412
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,359
Speaker 2: Is your welcome to New York dinner, your first Friday

413
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:11,920
night in New York.

414
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,880
Speaker 1: Yes, first you yelled at me for saying that Daniels

415
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,799
had made me cry outside of Sugarfish.

416
00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:18,559
Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't yell you. Well, I was actually very nice.

417
00:17:18,599 --> 00:17:19,480
Speaker 1: You came in pretty hot.

418
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,759
Speaker 2: Well, I was like, what's wrong with you?

419
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:25,279
Speaker 1: I was moments away from crying, like my life you did?

420
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,039
I know? No, I know, Okay. When you walked up

421
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,799
though it being the first thing you said, I was

422
00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:30,200
just like.

423
00:17:30,319 --> 00:17:33,799
Speaker 2: I can't, like you couldn't handle confrontations by a thread

424
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,319
right now? Yeah? Like, and I wish that thread was

425
00:17:36,319 --> 00:17:37,440
a noose literally.

426
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,039
Speaker 1: But we sit down for dinner and we start having

427
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:42,480
a conversation and I'm like.

428
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,559
Speaker 2: Well, we take the Edibles. We took the Edibles and

429
00:17:44,599 --> 00:17:46,319
because we just said took it.

430
00:17:46,319 --> 00:17:47,319
Speaker 1: On an empty stomach.

431
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,039
Speaker 2: No, but just say we took the Edibles once before

432
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,599
and we got ripper and high. But it was but

433
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,200
it was fun. It was so cracking up.

434
00:17:55,279 --> 00:17:56,200
Speaker 1: We were having the best time.

435
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,519
Speaker 2: We thought let's do it again because we weren't drinking.

436
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought, let's do another like rip roar and

437
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:01,440
fun night.

438
00:18:01,599 --> 00:18:01,839
Speaker 2: Yeah.

439
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,640
Speaker 1: Okay, boy, oh boy, is that not what was in story.

440
00:18:04,759 --> 00:18:07,079
That's not what happened. I am talking to you about

441
00:18:07,079 --> 00:18:10,279
something that's important to me, and I see you start

442
00:18:10,319 --> 00:18:11,000
to leave your.

443
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,279
Speaker 2: Body, like, yeah, I started to glaze.

444
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, you started to glaze. And then you also were like,

445
00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:17,799
I'm trying so hard to pay attention to you right now,

446
00:18:17,839 --> 00:18:19,960
but I can't. So you need to chill.

447
00:18:20,319 --> 00:18:23,720
Speaker 2: I was starting to leave my body.

448
00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:25,880
Speaker 1: And it's important to note ale so that you did

449
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,599
go to my psychic friend earlier that day, Drew McClean.

450
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:31,319
Speaker 2: That scared me as well.

451
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,880
Speaker 1: That's why you had the melt down. I don't know, Allie.

452
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,119
Do we need to play the tapes? No, because the

453
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,640
whole entire meltballe Well.

454
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,640
Speaker 2: I saw psychic and I was really like, it was

455
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,880
just a lot. It wasn't like a like it didn't

456
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,240
feel like he sugarcoat thing.

457
00:18:47,319 --> 00:18:48,440
Speaker 1: He doesn't knowic thing.

458
00:18:48,519 --> 00:18:51,240
Speaker 2: So that was a little bit upsetting, right, And I

459
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:53,319
was a little thrown by certain things, which I'm fine

460
00:18:53,319 --> 00:18:55,920
with now. And then I started to get high, and

461
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,680
I started to get really paranoid. And I have truly

462
00:18:58,759 --> 00:19:01,759
have been really high, maybe like hi to the point

463
00:19:01,759 --> 00:19:04,759
that I'm like panicking, only really once maybe before that

464
00:19:04,799 --> 00:19:09,000
I remember, And this was the worst high of my life.

465
00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:11,039
And I mean I said, we have to leave the restaurant.

466
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, we did. We leave the restaurant, and you started

467
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,799
then immediately calling all of your family members because I

468
00:19:17,839 --> 00:19:20,119
was not comforting because you were filming.

469
00:19:19,799 --> 00:19:25,119
Speaker 2: Me, and I was I started to panic. I was walking,

470
00:19:25,559 --> 00:19:27,279
I mean, we're blocks from my apartment. I had to

471
00:19:27,279 --> 00:19:30,240
put it into maps. I like put my head between

472
00:19:30,279 --> 00:19:32,759
my knees. I was like I was holding your arm

473
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,160
like this, Like I was like I'm gonna faint or something. Yeah,

474
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,079
I just needed to get home so that I can

475
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,640
like lie down. There was something very overwhelming about being

476
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,599
out in the world. And then I was like he

477
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,839
told me I was gonna have a fight with one

478
00:19:43,839 --> 00:19:45,240
of my friends. I was like, replaying, what am I

479
00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:47,960
gonna say? That's gonna make us fight? And I was

480
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,720
just like I felt really stuck. And while I was

481
00:19:50,759 --> 00:19:54,160
panicking so much, I called my sisters, my parents, everyone. Yeah,

482
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,119
and you were right there and I was hysterical. Crime.

483
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,480
Speaker 1: You were hysterical yea. And you were just welcome to

484
00:19:58,480 --> 00:19:58,839
New York.

485
00:20:00,039 --> 00:20:02,519
Speaker 2: We're at It was really intense.

486
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,319
Speaker 1: It was a lot. And then I got a Sundays

487
00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:08,119
oh yeah. And then we watched The Knicks with.

488
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:10,079
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I took a clonipin.

489
00:20:10,319 --> 00:20:10,759
Speaker 1: Oh you did?

490
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,319
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Sammy said I could because I was like

491
00:20:13,799 --> 00:20:15,880
really anxious. I was like having a panic attack. Yeah,

492
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,240
I mean I was sobbing.

493
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,920
Speaker 1: Yeah. We also just wanted a clonipin.

494
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,799
Speaker 2: I also wanted that was really that was really scary.

495
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,079
That was not a fun high.

496
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,279
Speaker 1: No for you, It would have been fine for me

497
00:20:29,319 --> 00:20:29,880
because I didn't.

498
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,000
Speaker 2: You were like, hey, I'm not high anymore.

499
00:20:32,279 --> 00:20:35,039
Speaker 1: I was like, I like, and I gave right down.

500
00:20:35,039 --> 00:20:37,240
Speaker 2: There's something else in those edibles. I think I must

501
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,200
have had like an allergy too. I know that my

502
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,000
mom was laughing at me saying an allergy, but like

503
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,240
I had some like hyper sensitive reaction. Clearly it wasn't

504
00:20:45,279 --> 00:20:46,680
faking it. That was psycho of me.

505
00:20:46,839 --> 00:20:49,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, that was That would have been crazy.

506
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,640
Speaker 2: That was like really really drama.

507
00:20:51,799 --> 00:20:54,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, so high drama, high drama.

508
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, but wow it was Sugarfish good.

509
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,559
Speaker 1: Sugarfish is so good? I should we go get it

510
00:20:58,559 --> 00:21:00,640
after this? Yeah, I'm hungry. Oh my god.

511
00:21:00,799 --> 00:21:03,400
Speaker 2: See, Like, for example, that Sugarfish thing, is that a plan?

512
00:21:05,319 --> 00:21:06,920
Because I told this girl i'd meet up with her?

513
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,200
What girl, I'm not going to say her name on

514
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:13,240
the podcast. A ryo girl. Oh like Sugarfish just now?

515
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,480
Speaker 1: Oh you and I Yeah, no, that's not a plan.

516
00:21:15,759 --> 00:21:17,960
Speaker 2: Oh, because I'm then I'm like, then I understand why

517
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,000
you think I cancel plans.

518
00:21:19,519 --> 00:21:21,319
Speaker 1: Are you saying that right when the camera stops, you're

519
00:21:21,319 --> 00:21:22,640
gonna tell me you don't want to go to Sugarfish?

520
00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:24,759
Speaker 2: No, it depends if depending on the time. So I'm

521
00:21:24,759 --> 00:21:26,839
trying to hear this out on the air. Oh, I'm

522
00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,279
trying to have a conversation with you now on the

523
00:21:28,279 --> 00:21:29,839
air about is this happening in real time that I

524
00:21:29,839 --> 00:21:30,799
make a plan and cancel it?

525
00:21:30,839 --> 00:21:37,079
Speaker 1: But isn't this this is technically playing it by ear because.

526
00:21:36,799 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 2: We're in Oh yeah, I'm fine with that, but I

527
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,680
didn't know my whole personality is canceling.

528
00:21:40,839 --> 00:21:43,160
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you cancel a lot, really a lot.

529
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,960
Speaker 2: And by the way, you just t in LA and

530
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,640
I shut my location and didn't answer. Yeah, that's criminal,

531
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:49,640
h that's violent.

532
00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:51,720
Speaker 1: No, I know, I thought we were over. You did.

533
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, you thought we were gonna did. I act like

534
00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:56,039
nothing was wrong because I probably thought nothing was wrong.

535
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,519
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, I see your like, can we

536
00:21:58,559 --> 00:21:58,920
hang out?

537
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,720
Speaker 2: I was probably there for twelve hours, and I was like,

538
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:01,279
I can't.

539
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,680
Speaker 1: You were doing some shady shit. You shut your location

540
00:22:03,799 --> 00:22:06,000
off and you said nothing.

541
00:22:06,799 --> 00:22:07,960
Speaker 2: Because I couldn't hang out.

542
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,319
Speaker 1: No, I know, but and I was just like it

543
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:15,519
was leave me alone, so upset.

544
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 2: I can't. Like, if I could have would, I would

545
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,680
have texted you already.

546
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,440
Speaker 1: Growth is realizing that blank you.

547
00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:25,880
Speaker 3: Don't like it.

548
00:22:26,039 --> 00:22:28,960
Speaker 2: I mean that nothing matters, that we're gonna die. I

549
00:22:29,079 --> 00:22:33,279
just like, you know, a part of me feels I

550
00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:36,599
was thinking about this last night because I went on

551
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,680
a date with someone and then she's like followed up

552
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,960
with me a few times, and I haven't and I

553
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,880
was like, I don't really feel that I owe her

554
00:22:45,559 --> 00:22:49,759
after one date like anything. And I was like, you know,

555
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,839
kind of letting myself off the hook, like why do

556
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,559
I owe someone something after one date?

557
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,359
Speaker 1: How many times did she follow up?

558
00:22:56,319 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 2: She texted me twice in a row, replied, just story

559
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,039
and FaceTime me.

560
00:23:02,519 --> 00:23:03,240
Speaker 1: Call the police.

561
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:05,480
Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying, though it's like too intense. I

562
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,119
gots like it's one day.

563
00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:09,079
Speaker 1: It's only us that can be that crazy.

564
00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:13,799
Speaker 2: No, but like we choose good marks. Yeah, because we're

565
00:23:13,839 --> 00:23:17,400
being crazy for a reason. Mmmmm, it's with intent, don't

566
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,559
you think we're picking up on something Like I'm usually

567
00:23:19,559 --> 00:23:21,480
crazy to someone who like, at least at some point

568
00:23:21,559 --> 00:23:25,000
matches my crazy, right, and then it becomes intermittent, which

569
00:23:25,039 --> 00:23:26,039
is what drives me crazy.

570
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:26,279
Speaker 3: Right.

571
00:23:26,759 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 2: I don't feel that I would just completely not read

572
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,599
the room and totally love bomb someone who doesn't meet

573
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,039
me at all? Do you?

574
00:23:35,599 --> 00:23:36,599
Speaker 1: Of course I would?

575
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,319
Speaker 2: No, you wouldn't, No, you wouldn't. Yes, I have I

576
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,839
have what you've like, love bombed someone who's not interested

577
00:23:42,839 --> 00:23:45,519
in you at all totally who or don't say? Who

578
00:23:45,519 --> 00:23:49,160
would explain the scenario you already know? No, you didn't

579
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:49,880
love bomb him.

580
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,559
Speaker 1: Which one are you talking about?

581
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,480
Speaker 2: Who are you thinking of? No, I just all the

582
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,519
people that I'm thinking of that you've quote unquote love bombed.

583
00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:59,759
Speaker 1: The one that I would psychoed to. And I kept

584
00:23:59,799 --> 00:24:01,079
said him like.

585
00:24:02,599 --> 00:24:06,920
Speaker 2: Well that's really bad. That was Oh my god, Okay,

586
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,279
that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was like a f

587
00:24:10,559 --> 00:24:12,759
like that was like a one time thing. Though it's

588
00:24:12,759 --> 00:24:15,359
not like a pattern. You would do that a lot.

589
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 1: No, No, I'm.

590
00:24:16,599 --> 00:24:19,279
Speaker 2: Just saying no, okay, that was very strange. That was

591
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:19,839
the fever.

592
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,039
Speaker 1: The fever, the fever. That was the fever.

593
00:24:24,319 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 2: That was intense, not ever.

594
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,200
Speaker 1: I mean I have said news. It happened back to

595
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,799
back that people don't reply to.

596
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:31,680
Speaker 2: My No, I don't do that.

597
00:24:31,839 --> 00:24:33,079
Speaker 1: I don't want to answer this question.

598
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,799
Speaker 2: Okay, I wouldn't do that. What is this book you're reading?

599
00:24:36,279 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 3: Oh?

600
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:37,079
Speaker 1: The pivot here?

601
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 2: Why are you reading that? What's the pivot here? Oh

602
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,359
my god, you're spilling water all over your thing.

603
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,160
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604
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616
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Speaker 2: Okay, okay, So the pivot here?

617
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,359
Speaker 1: Oh pivot?

618
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 2: What's that?

619
00:25:25,759 --> 00:25:28,799
Speaker 1: It's it's a book of meditations. Oops, I'm not a

620
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,599
camera for like every single day of a year that

621
00:25:32,599 --> 00:25:33,759
you're trying to make change.

622
00:25:34,039 --> 00:25:35,279
Speaker 2: You're trying to make change right now?

623
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,160
Speaker 1: Girl? What are you trying to change everything? I'm a mess, I.

624
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,559
Speaker 2: Know, but what what are you trying to change?

625
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 1: Who I am? At my core?

626
00:25:44,599 --> 00:25:45,440
Speaker 2: No?

627
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:50,680
Speaker 1: No, no, I want my career like my Uh day

628
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:52,240
fifty seven is the day I'm on.

629
00:25:52,599 --> 00:25:53,720
Speaker 2: It's a meditation today?

630
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,920
Speaker 1: Uh huh? Okay, this one is If you have a

631
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,319
heart that's healing, what you need to remember is that

632
00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:01,519
there's more to life than romantic love. There are equal joys,

633
00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:04,319
There are other worthwhile pursuits. Even if romantic love is

634
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,640
an element of your life, it's not the only thing

635
00:26:06,799 --> 00:26:07,480
life is about.

636
00:26:07,599 --> 00:26:08,160
Speaker 2: It's true.

637
00:26:08,599 --> 00:26:11,240
Speaker 1: It may be that the fabric of our society hinges

638
00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:14,400
on you believing that matrimony and reproduction are the end

639
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,039
all be all, the highest high, the only thing truly

640
00:26:17,079 --> 00:26:19,799
worth living for. It may be well intentioned people who

641
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,440
do not want you to experience what they themselves fear.

642
00:26:22,799 --> 00:26:25,920
But romantic love does not excuse you from the inner work.

643
00:26:27,039 --> 00:26:29,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I have fallen to that a lot

644
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,599
of feeling that romantic love is the only thing worth

645
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,519
pursuing anything for. And my friend Max always says to me,

646
00:26:36,519 --> 00:26:38,200
he says, like, thirty thirty thirty, it's like you have

647
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,440
to do romantic love your friend's work.

648
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 1: Oh that's good.

649
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:46,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I I always put romantic love on a

650
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,839
pedestal because I grew up closeted.

651
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:52,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I was just like longing. Yeah. Well, and

652
00:26:53,079 --> 00:26:57,559
romantic love, when it's reciprocated, is the best drug for

653
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:58,680
us for shurets.

654
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,039
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I don't.

655
00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:02,640
Speaker 1: Think it's just for us. I think it's literally for everyone. Yeah,

656
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:03,640
falling in love is the best.

657
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:04,880
Speaker 2: Falling in love is amazing.

658
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,559
Speaker 1: And then figuring out who the fuck they actually are.

659
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,079
Speaker 2: Falling in love and that is great. Then getting to

660
00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:12,599
know them.

661
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 1: Sucks, figure out who they actually are.

662
00:27:15,079 --> 00:27:15,279
Speaker 3: Yeah.

663
00:27:15,279 --> 00:27:17,880
Speaker 2: Someone posted a really funny video on I Forget who

664
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,359
it was, where it was like, if you want someone

665
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:20,400
to fall in love with you and you go on

666
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:23,680
a date, just like, don't speak because they will just fantasize. Yeah,

667
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,960
and they don't speak, you fantasize. It's the best. It's

668
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,839
just like, stay quiet as long as possible.

669
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,519
Speaker 1: Oh god, the gift of silence. Yeah, I'll never know it.

670
00:27:31,759 --> 00:27:34,680
Speaker 2: Spirituality is wanting to say something a not, says Michael Singer,

671
00:27:37,319 --> 00:27:39,799
taking his podcast down a way different direction to that

672
00:27:40,039 --> 00:27:40,920
The Untethered Soul.

673
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 1: I love the Untoethered Soul. Did you ever read the

674
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,680
Surrender Experiment? No, it's also by him where he says

675
00:27:47,759 --> 00:27:49,839
yes to everything for a year and he basically becomes

676
00:27:49,839 --> 00:27:51,680
like a multi multi multimulator.

677
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,440
Speaker 2: That was him. Yeah really, Yeah, Oh I don't. I

678
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:55,400
don't know him in that way.

679
00:27:55,519 --> 00:27:58,599
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't. If your every problem and often a

680
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,920
rush to find it complicates our hearts the most the

681
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:04,079
pressure to be in a relationship creates a complex that

682
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:07,119
can bend your sense of self until connection feels futile.

683
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,640
Love exists in a myriad of ways, but the assumption

684
00:28:11,039 --> 00:28:13,200
that this singular form of it will lift you up

685
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,880
above your human experience, sanitize your pain, and make the

686
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,279
rest of your days a fever dream is not only untrue.

687
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,759
Speaker 2: It'll be a fever dream. It'll be a fever dream.

688
00:28:21,759 --> 00:28:24,119
If you let us drive, have anything to do with

689
00:28:24,319 --> 00:28:26,319
I'm behind the wheel, It's a fucking fever dream.

690
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:29,279
Speaker 1: It'll be a fever dream. My whole last relationship with

691
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:30,200
a fever dream.

692
00:28:30,279 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

693
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,359
Speaker 1: It's placing the portal to your own inner piece within

694
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,880
the realm of someone else's commitment, rather than leading you

695
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,920
back to where it truly exists, in your own ability

696
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,920
to retrain your mind to perceive love at any given moment.

697
00:28:42,319 --> 00:28:44,960
Our fantasies about other people are never really about how

698
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,200
someone else might give us their love. Instead, they mirror

699
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:51,039
our unawakened love back to us. They serve to show

700
00:28:51,079 --> 00:28:53,440
us that we need to seek another human heart, but

701
00:28:53,559 --> 00:28:56,480
that not that we need to seek another human heart,

702
00:28:56,559 --> 00:28:58,640
but that we need to remember to nurture the one

703
00:28:58,640 --> 00:28:59,160
we already have.

704
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 2: Okay, I really want a shot of espresso?

705
00:29:04,279 --> 00:29:05,079
Speaker 1: Fuck me up? Fam?

706
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:06,079
Speaker 2: Do you yeah?

707
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:06,680
Speaker 1: So bad?

708
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:07,039
Speaker 2: Do you have?

709
00:29:07,559 --> 00:29:09,799
Speaker 1: I only have decaf? Oh that sucks. I like what

710
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,880
like the placebo effect? Would do it?

711
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 2: You think?

712
00:29:12,519 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 1: Yeah?

713
00:29:13,039 --> 00:29:14,640
Speaker 2: Should we make Yeah? Can we pause?

714
00:29:14,759 --> 00:29:14,960
Speaker 1: Yeah?

715
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:16,920
Speaker 2: Okay, where do you want to start?

716
00:29:17,319 --> 00:29:18,319
Speaker 1: You pick your favor?

717
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,359
Speaker 2: What was my last breakup like for you?

718
00:29:21,559 --> 00:29:25,319
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much for your inquiry. Oh the

719
00:29:25,359 --> 00:29:30,519
hard really really hard, really hard to know someone was

720
00:29:30,559 --> 00:29:34,000
bad the whole time and have it take so long

721
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:40,000
for you to realize. And also what was hard is

722
00:29:40,119 --> 00:29:43,079
the worst it got in your relationship, the more quiet

723
00:29:43,079 --> 00:29:46,599
you got in our friendship because you were trying to

724
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:50,000
protect her, protect her. I was, and so I understand

725
00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:51,319
that obviously.

726
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:53,160
Speaker 2: But that's what people do in abusive relationship.

727
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: In abusive relations they fully.

728
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,160
Speaker 2: Go quiet because they don't want to admit it, because

729
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:57,000
you can't walk it back.

730
00:29:57,119 --> 00:29:58,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't walk it back.

731
00:29:58,599 --> 00:30:00,680
Speaker 2: So like I do think people throw the word abuse.

732
00:30:00,759 --> 00:30:03,119
I don't mean it in that way, of course, sure, yeah,

733
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:06,759
but abuse, I mean it was like people throw that

734
00:30:06,799 --> 00:30:08,359
word around and I mean it.

735
00:30:09,359 --> 00:30:10,039
Speaker 1: I'm not throwing it.

736
00:30:10,079 --> 00:30:12,960
Speaker 2: I made it I'm saying my whole fucking yest.

737
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:16,599
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was It was just tough. It was just

738
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,079
tough to see someone for who they were the whole

739
00:30:19,079 --> 00:30:21,039
time and for you to not. Yeah, but it's like

740
00:30:21,079 --> 00:30:23,359
I think we get blinded in love in that way, right.

741
00:30:23,599 --> 00:30:25,680
Speaker 2: You know, love is blind, but the neighbors are not.

742
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:26,799
Speaker 1: And I love that.

743
00:30:27,079 --> 00:30:32,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so real, I know, I know. Yeah, brutal,

744
00:30:33,119 --> 00:30:33,359
just like.

745
00:30:33,359 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: You have to get there on your own.

746
00:30:35,079 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 2: It's hard, Like, it's so true. Yeah, there's not so

747
00:30:39,079 --> 00:30:41,240
much you can do in situations like that.

748
00:30:41,759 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 1: You can't because the options are like literally like get

749
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:47,599
in someone's face and be like this person's fucking horrible

750
00:30:47,599 --> 00:30:47,799
for you.

751
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:48,559
Speaker 2: That does nothing.

752
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,440
Speaker 1: It fucks with our friendship. Yeah, and it's like, I

753
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:53,559
love you so much, I just don't want I don't

754
00:30:54,079 --> 00:30:56,119
ever want that. So I'm just like, you gotta you

755
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,160
gotta let people fall flat on their fucking face.

756
00:30:58,319 --> 00:30:59,759
Speaker 2: Yes, totally.

757
00:30:59,839 --> 00:31:01,799
Speaker 1: And that's what people had to do with me too.

758
00:31:02,079 --> 00:31:04,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just like people are gonna do what they're

759
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:06,480
gonna do. I remember a sorority sister of mine in

760
00:31:06,519 --> 00:31:11,400
college was in the most toxic relationship on again, off again,

761
00:31:12,119 --> 00:31:15,359
really brutal. To watch and I remember saying something to

762
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,559
her when they broke up, and I remember she just

763
00:31:17,559 --> 00:31:20,160
looked at me. It was just like, it doesn't matter

764
00:31:20,359 --> 00:31:23,119
what you say. It never will matter what you say.

765
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:24,519
I'm in love with him and I'm going to do

766
00:31:24,559 --> 00:31:27,640
this for as long as I want. And I was like, yeah, yeah,

767
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,000
fair enough. And I've just felt that way. The hurt

768
00:31:30,079 --> 00:31:32,920
him sens's and that's that's it. Like you can say

769
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:36,680
it once and then if they stay together and they

770
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,839
don't listen to your advice, you cannot say it again.

771
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you can, but it just it really

772
00:31:41,559 --> 00:31:43,640
just drives a wedge in the friendship. Yeah, you know,

773
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,319
because it's like you love that person more than anyone

774
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:50,400
right now, including me. It's not even including your family.

775
00:31:50,519 --> 00:31:51,440
It's just like.

776
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,400
Speaker 2: It's not even that you love them more. It's just

777
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,759
like that type of love. Yeah, is really like it

778
00:31:57,839 --> 00:32:01,839
like w warps things. Yeah, because I don't feel that

779
00:32:02,079 --> 00:32:04,279
that it's always like more. It's just like that's like

780
00:32:04,359 --> 00:32:06,279
anchoring in a way that other relationships are not.

781
00:32:06,519 --> 00:32:07,039
Speaker 1: Yeah.

782
00:32:07,119 --> 00:32:08,119
Speaker 2: I guess like you're life.

783
00:32:08,119 --> 00:32:10,119
Speaker 1: That's your partner, that's your partner. Yeah, it's like the

784
00:32:10,119 --> 00:32:12,079
person that you like in envisional life with I think

785
00:32:12,079 --> 00:32:14,400
that's the hardest part about that. It's like you are

786
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,599
building a life with someone and you don't really want

787
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:18,440
to hear from your friends or family that the person

788
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:21,240
you're building with is basura.

789
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:26,000
Speaker 2: What's that trash? Trash I speak Spanish. I just didn't

790
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:32,000
for some reason pick up on that, like linguistic flourish basa. Yeah,

791
00:32:32,039 --> 00:32:34,759
that was tough. That was tough for everyone. It was

792
00:32:34,799 --> 00:32:35,880
tough for you. It was tough for me too.

793
00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:37,079
Speaker 1: It was tough for all of us.

794
00:32:37,519 --> 00:32:39,319
Speaker 2: What's the best worst thing that's ever happened to you?

795
00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:46,400
Speaker 1: My mom's suicide. Like that's intense, Yeah, but that's that's it.

796
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:51,799
It's like, on paper, that's a bad thing, but in

797
00:32:51,839 --> 00:32:56,480
the ways it has affected my life, it's a really,

798
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,640
really great thing. It's like the most profound thing that's

799
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,480
upper had happened to me because I was able to Hey,

800
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:06,799
it's the reason I got sober. It's the reason I

801
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:11,319
like quit drinking, and that was that was gonna kill me.

802
00:33:11,519 --> 00:33:13,400
Like I I don't remember, was I talking to you

803
00:33:13,519 --> 00:33:14,960
or I was talking to someone the other day about

804
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,480
I was like, I didn't envision being here at thirty

805
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,640
seven and yeah, it was you right, yeah, And You're like,

806
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,680
where did you envision being? And I said dead deady

807
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:23,680
And I mean that with my whole heart. Like I

808
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,200
did not think I was going to make it past

809
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,720
thirty because of how hard I was partying, and I

810
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:30,160
don't know that I would have. I got sober when

811
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,400
I was twenty eight because that's when my mom died.

812
00:33:32,519 --> 00:33:35,279
Speaker 2: And what about her death made you get sober? Was

813
00:33:35,319 --> 00:33:36,440
it because she was a drunk?

814
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:39,960
Speaker 1: No, she wasn't. She wasn't a drunk. I drank at

815
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,720
her like my whole life. She was like, you're going

816
00:33:42,759 --> 00:33:44,359
to be an alcoholic just like your father, And I'm like,

817
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:46,799
my dad fucking slaps, Like my dad's fucking cool, So

818
00:33:46,839 --> 00:33:50,680
whatever he does, I'll do. So it was like it

819
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,519
almost became like an elaborate performance art piece to prove

820
00:33:53,559 --> 00:33:55,000
to her that I could have the life that she

821
00:33:55,039 --> 00:33:57,279
couldn't and still drink, do you know what I mean?

822
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,799
So like I was like, I have a big job,

823
00:33:59,839 --> 00:34:02,440
I have this great husband, I have wonderful friends, I

824
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,119
have all this shit, and I drink like it's never

825
00:34:05,119 --> 00:34:07,359
The drinking was never the problem. But then it was

826
00:34:07,359 --> 00:34:10,159
like when I felt the drinking start to not be

827
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:14,760
as rewarding or fun. I never stopped because I was like, no,

828
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:16,519
I still have to prove this to her.

829
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 2: But was she even around you?

830
00:34:18,519 --> 00:34:21,760
Speaker 1: No. It was like some weird psychological hold that she

831
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,440
had on me. And we were estranged for six years.

832
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,760
But when she died, it was like I literally felt

833
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:30,719
relief was the first thing I felt.

834
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:31,199
Speaker 2: Relief.

835
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,880
Speaker 1: Relief was the first thing I felt, because it was yeah,

836
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,360
oh yeah, relief. I just was like the time. No,

837
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:43,320
we were strange for five or six years, and I

838
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,559
just was like, she was never going to find peace here.

839
00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:48,920
She never had a day of happiness or joy, Like

840
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,719
she just didn't experience joy. She was so mentally ill.

841
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:56,280
And and then also she caused everyone else so much pain.

842
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,400
So I was relieved not only for myself but for

843
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:03,719
my family and for everyone that like you know, like

844
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,440
that cycle and yeah yeah, and and then the relief

845
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,119
of like, oh, I don't have to keep drinking at

846
00:35:09,119 --> 00:35:11,280
this person. I don't have to keep killing myself to

847
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,480
prove a point to this person that's like not even

848
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,239
here anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean. So that

849
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,000
was that was the best worst thing that's ever happened

850
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:19,199
to me.

851
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,400
Speaker 2: Wow, what about you be well, I have a question though, Okay,

852
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,800
But being a strange from her for the six years

853
00:35:25,039 --> 00:35:28,639
before she died, was that like no communication at all

854
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:32,039
or it was just like not anything meaningful to you.

855
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,519
Speaker 1: It was like she would send emails here and there.

856
00:35:35,559 --> 00:35:37,239
I kept blocking her, and then she would like get

857
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:41,639
new email addresses and get new you know, different numbers

858
00:35:41,639 --> 00:35:42,440
and stuff like that.

859
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:48,480
Speaker 2: But yeah, it was and she would reach out because

860
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,320
you'd block her and stuff. Yeah, she would find another

861
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:51,800
way to reach through the side door.

862
00:35:52,119 --> 00:35:55,159
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, she would reach out. And it's really sad

863
00:35:55,159 --> 00:35:57,920
because like I've gone through those emails recently, and like,

864
00:35:59,039 --> 00:36:01,920
because I was so hurt and tormented by her, I

865
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,599
couldn't see like the pain and the love and like

866
00:36:05,639 --> 00:36:07,719
I couldn't see what she was actually saying. I saw

867
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,719
it through the lens of like somebody who had hurt

868
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:11,920
me so bad in the past trying to like reignite

869
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:15,760
and retrigger like my wounds. But like when I reread

870
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:18,000
the emails recently, I was just like, oh, this is

871
00:36:18,119 --> 00:36:20,519
really fucking sad. It's just like a mom being like, oh,

872
00:36:20,599 --> 00:36:23,199
you know, the weather's the weather sucks here, and I

873
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:24,920
want to go on vacation and I miss you and

874
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:28,159
I love you. She would say something yeah, and I

875
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,000
just wouldn't respond because I was like no, like she

876
00:36:31,119 --> 00:36:33,519
did so much damage that I couldn't respond. But it

877
00:36:33,599 --> 00:36:36,480
is really it's tricky. It's like when she died. So

878
00:36:36,679 --> 00:36:38,079
I don't know if I ever told you this, but

879
00:36:40,559 --> 00:36:42,880
I had like just a feeling. I just had a feeling.

880
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,719
It was a random Sunday and I had a feeling

881
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,559
that she did that something was wrong.

882
00:36:46,639 --> 00:36:47,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.

883
00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:49,599
Speaker 1: Had blocked her. And I don't know if you know this,

884
00:36:49,679 --> 00:36:51,840
but if you block someone, they can still leave you

885
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,199
a voicemail. It just goes to a different folder. I

886
00:36:55,199 --> 00:36:58,559
didn't know that, and I just had like a feeling.

887
00:36:58,639 --> 00:37:02,440
I was like a folder blocked messages. Wait, do you

888
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:07,199
have any sure? I do? Have you blocked people?

889
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 3: Of course?

890
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:12,760
Speaker 1: Of course, And of course where's the so go under voicemail,

891
00:37:14,119 --> 00:37:15,079
go to the very bottom.

892
00:37:15,159 --> 00:37:18,159
Speaker 2: Oh god, very sure. It's going to be from you know.

893
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,440
Speaker 1: Oh, you should delete some of those baby blocked fourteen.

894
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:27,719
Speaker 2: It's definitely from my ex.

895
00:37:29,519 --> 00:37:32,320
Speaker 1: Wait who are these all from? I don't know you

896
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:45,880
have so many of them? M hm, do you know

897
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:46,719
what number that is?

898
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:51,800
Speaker 2: No? This is oh this Oh, this is this guy

899
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:58,480
from the no I don't know who this is. I

900
00:37:58,519 --> 00:37:59,440
don't know who these people are.

901
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 1: These people are, but they're all blocked.

902
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,519
Speaker 2: They must have been annoying. This person is in my phone?

903
00:38:03,599 --> 00:38:09,360
Is block this fucking number? Sometimes I just blocked, like spam.

904
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:16,000
Oh okay, okay, never mind, not it's not tea. So

905
00:38:16,159 --> 00:38:19,079
I had a feeling and I checked my blocked voicemail.

906
00:38:19,079 --> 00:38:22,440
Why would they let you do that? Do what eave

907
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:23,800
a voicemail if you're blocked?

908
00:38:24,159 --> 00:38:26,960
Speaker 1: I don't know what was the point. I'm glad they

909
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,760
did because I had one from my mom, okay, and

910
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,960
it was the first time. So basically she would leave

911
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,320
me a voicemail and she would be like, Hi, it's Mom,

912
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,000
Da da da da da, and I hope you're good,

913
00:38:36,039 --> 00:38:37,960
and then she would like dive off into the deep

914
00:38:38,039 --> 00:38:40,320
end of life. But these guys are like out to

915
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:43,599
get me, and like like she' her fucking psychosis would

916
00:38:43,639 --> 00:38:47,360
kick in. But this voicemail was just nice. It was

917
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:49,760
just the first time she ever left me a nice

918
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:53,599
vossage ever. And I was still drinking at the time, obviously,

919
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,039
and Chris and I were going to brunch and I

920
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,199
started like hammering drinks and he was like, what is

921
00:38:59,239 --> 00:38:59,719
going on?

922
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:01,199
Speaker 2: Was he a drunk too?

923
00:39:01,639 --> 00:39:03,960
Speaker 1: Yeah? We drank together and then he got sober too.

924
00:39:04,079 --> 00:39:06,679
He got sober a year after I did, like never

925
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:10,519
drank since. Wow, yeah, his life like completely.

926
00:39:10,159 --> 00:39:14,280
Speaker 2: Is it rude to say a drunk should say alcoholic?

927
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:17,480
Is like a midget? Like like you know what.

928
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:23,440
Speaker 1: I mean, small person? You tried to make it worse

929
00:39:23,559 --> 00:39:26,320
than No.

930
00:39:29,599 --> 00:39:32,079
Speaker 2: Feels like derogatory to say drunk. I realized I should

931
00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:34,360
feel like an alcoholic, Like are you like a person

932
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:38,199
with a drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic, but you can

933
00:39:38,199 --> 00:39:40,719
call me She's a non drinking person.

934
00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:44,639
Speaker 1: No drinking drunk. He's a non drinking drunk. Okay, wait,

935
00:39:44,679 --> 00:39:47,519
so you get this male from my mom. Let me

936
00:39:47,519 --> 00:39:50,679
see if I can find it. Yeah, why not? Huh?

937
00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:54,239
Speaker 2: It's just intimate, is it? What's your life?

938
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,199
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I can find it. Let

939
00:39:57,239 --> 00:39:57,559
me see.

940
00:39:57,719 --> 00:40:01,599
Speaker 2: Last was the year that he remained and like actively

941
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:06,239
drinking and you are sober? A challenging one in the marriage. Very,

942
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,239
that sounds really difficult.

943
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,480
Speaker 1: Very, I'm going to tell you all about that in

944
00:40:10,519 --> 00:40:13,159
one second. Okay, this is let me see. Yeah, because

945
00:40:13,159 --> 00:40:16,000
I really So this is the voicemail where I knew

946
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:16,480
she was dead.

947
00:40:19,159 --> 00:40:21,559
Speaker 2: Hi, Berdy's mom, I'm just calling to is Sue a

948
00:40:21,599 --> 00:40:22,199
wonderful day.

949
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:25,159
Speaker 3: I hope everything is going well with you and Chris

950
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,760
and your wife and your job.

951
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:28,719
Speaker 1: And I'm glad you're so happy.

952
00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:31,840
Speaker 3: Looks like I'll be heading out to California.

953
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:35,480
Speaker 1: Not your way, northern California. Don't worry, but anyway, this.

954
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:36,039
Speaker 4: One is gone.

955
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:37,960
Speaker 1: Have an awesome day and I'll be okay.

956
00:40:38,039 --> 00:40:39,079
Speaker 3: Take care, bye bye.

957
00:40:41,159 --> 00:40:41,599
Speaker 1: Wow.

958
00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:43,960
Speaker 2: She wanted to tell you don't worry, not by you.

959
00:40:44,199 --> 00:40:44,480
Speaker 1: Yeah.

960
00:40:45,239 --> 00:40:46,880
Speaker 2: Oh wow, that's heavy.

961
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:48,920
Speaker 1: So that was her story to everyone, was that she

962
00:40:49,039 --> 00:40:51,960
was going to northern California. She always said that. She said,

963
00:40:52,079 --> 00:40:54,119
she just said that to everyone when she wasn't. No,

964
00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:56,840
she never she was closed to the basement to kill herself.

965
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:20,760
Speaker 5: Oh destination suicide.

966
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:49,199
Speaker 3: I'm sucking up. I'm sorry, Holy shit.

967
00:41:53,599 --> 00:41:59,800
Speaker 1: Anyway, Okay, anyway, I got that voicemailed. I knew she

968
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:04,400
was that because she never left me a nice message

969
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:05,119
before in my life.

970
00:42:05,159 --> 00:42:07,559
Speaker 2: And yeah, like, oh did she you think she knew that?

971
00:42:07,559 --> 00:42:08,920
That was like a goodbye.

972
00:42:09,599 --> 00:42:12,000
Speaker 1: It was like the day before she killed herself. She's

973
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:16,639
kind of doing her last rounds with everyone, like, yeah,

974
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,039
she was apparently.

975
00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:22,119
Speaker 2: Never let me tell you whether California if I tell

976
00:42:22,119 --> 00:42:28,760
you what, just know what that's fucking going for what's

977
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:33,760
going on today? Just thinking about a trip to northern California.

978
00:42:35,079 --> 00:42:36,599
Speaker 1: Nor don't worry not about you.

979
00:42:38,079 --> 00:42:38,280
Speaker 3: Don't.

980
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,239
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's really you should talk do that

981
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:41,679
on stage.

982
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:46,079
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Anyway, I was gonna say something. Oh,

983
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:51,920
so before her death, she was apparently so happy. And

984
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:54,400
I guess that's a phenomenon that happens to people when

985
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:55,960
they decide they're going to kill themselves.

986
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 2: I've heard about that, and they're.

987
00:42:57,159 --> 00:43:00,400
Speaker 1: Just like scoot tooting around ut.

988
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:02,719
Speaker 2: Likes it like releases you from something.

989
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:06,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, the literal prison and pain of being on this earth,

990
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:07,719
I do think.

991
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:10,599
Speaker 2: I mean, I know we're going between like really funny

992
00:43:10,599 --> 00:43:14,239
things and really dark things. So but I was I

993
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:16,719
don't know where this was in one of these like

994
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:19,840
spirituality podcasts where I'm trying to like find a semblance

995
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:22,199
of peace, but like someone was talking about how like

996
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:25,800
the discomfort of like being in like your human body

997
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:29,920
as like a symptom of knowing that like we're all

998
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:32,119
like one and like our spirit all of these things,

999
00:43:32,159 --> 00:43:35,920
and like it is true that like it is like

1000
00:43:36,039 --> 00:43:37,920
relentlessly uncomfortable to be alive.

1001
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,599
Speaker 1: It is and like and that's just what we have

1002
00:43:40,679 --> 00:43:43,440
to deal with. Yeah, I mean it's just a prison

1003
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,000
of pain. Yeah, it's just.

1004
00:43:46,079 --> 00:43:49,440
Speaker 2: With moments, with interludes of just.

1005
00:43:49,039 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 1: Small just to fragments, just enough to get Yes, it's.

1006
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:54,960
Speaker 2: It's just you just have to accept that it's uncomfortable

1007
00:43:55,039 --> 00:43:57,320
or or it's really going to be difficult.

1008
00:43:57,519 --> 00:43:57,920
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1009
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:00,639
Speaker 2: Well, and it is difficult even when except like I

1010
00:44:00,639 --> 00:44:03,159
don't know what else to do. It's not like we're

1011
00:44:03,159 --> 00:44:06,199
not therapized or self aware all these things. It's just

1012
00:44:06,239 --> 00:44:07,400
like this is it, man.

1013
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 1: No, okay, but the whole purpose of us coming down

1014
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:12,079
to earth is to like grow and evolve, and the

1015
00:44:12,119 --> 00:44:17,159
only way you do that is to experience pain. So well, well.

1016
00:44:17,079 --> 00:44:20,920
Speaker 2: I've been experiencing, well, I've been experiencing wait to talk

1017
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,400
about tell me about the year when you are getting

1018
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:25,760
sober and he's not because I can't even imagine what

1019
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:27,000
that's like in a relationship.

1020
00:44:27,519 --> 00:44:29,320
Speaker 1: I'm really really I could.

1021
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:36,480
Speaker 2: Actually, Yeah, that's hard.

1022
00:44:37,159 --> 00:44:39,280
Speaker 1: Really really really hard because I'm going through like some

1023
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,639
of the biggest upheaval and change of my life, and

1024
00:44:41,719 --> 00:44:43,480
he's partying harder than ever.

1025
00:44:43,599 --> 00:44:45,920
Speaker 2: Are you tempted to drink when he's doing that? No,

1026
00:44:46,519 --> 00:44:48,880
you're like very clear that you're no longer I was

1027
00:44:49,039 --> 00:44:51,519
very clear, Like you're clear that you're no longer drunk midget.

1028
00:44:51,599 --> 00:44:55,039
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're no longer a drug bitche No. I was

1029
00:44:55,159 --> 00:44:58,800
very clear, and honestly, the way in which he.

1030
00:44:58,679 --> 00:45:01,760
Speaker 2: Is calling you guys drunks, it's so rudeal like he's

1031
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:02,280
also drunk.

1032
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:08,039
Speaker 1: He's also a drunk. You guys are both drunks anyways, losers. No,

1033
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,679
I was so clear, and I became more clear the

1034
00:45:10,719 --> 00:45:13,760
more he drank, because he got so unattractive to me,

1035
00:45:14,239 --> 00:45:16,440
Like he would like come back from parties like not

1036
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:19,840
it's not like falling over like blackout, taking his clothes off,

1037
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:24,639
being like a fuck ma like literally, no, there's nothing

1038
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:25,880
I want to do less And then he would like

1039
00:45:26,159 --> 00:45:28,320
throw his body on me and be like come on,

1040
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:32,000
and I'm like, yeah, I'll call the police, like I

1041
00:45:32,039 --> 00:45:32,960
will actually, And.

1042
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:35,360
Speaker 2: We often talk about how disgusting drunk behavior is.

1043
00:45:35,519 --> 00:45:39,320
Speaker 1: Drunk behavior is gross, and I it also gives me

1044
00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,320
like PTSD at this point because I'm like the fact

1045
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,119
that I know I was that person in so many

1046
00:45:43,159 --> 00:45:45,559
people's lives and stories where I thought I was the

1047
00:45:45,639 --> 00:45:48,719
fucking shit. Yeah, and I was just like allowed drunk slut,

1048
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:50,639
like it's very upsetic.

1049
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I mean, if there's anyone you to talk

1050
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,159
to about, how off putting and at the same time

1051
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:59,440
sort of sexually appealing drunk blonde woman ares me because

1052
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:02,639
I have a very polarizing relationship with them. And they

1053
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:07,360
are loud and entitled and difficult and make no sense.

1054
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:14,159
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the ones they drinking are weafy. It only

1055
00:46:14,199 --> 00:46:18,199
takes him a sip or two to start unraveling their families.

1056
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:24,719
At least me, I was like a fucking I could drink,

1057
00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:26,880
like you can tell I'm a I'm a farm girl.

1058
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:27,320
Speaker 3: I could.

1059
00:46:27,519 --> 00:46:30,280
Speaker 1: I could really handle it. But yeah, no, it's tough.

1060
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:31,880
It was tough for christ and Night and I bleed

1061
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:36,119
the face. I'm gonna start drinking again right now on

1062
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:40,199
this podcast. It was tough for christ and I and

1063
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:41,440
I told him I was like, I think you have

1064
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:43,519
to like do a sober month because his whole ship

1065
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:46,840
was like turned upside down, Like he hated his job

1066
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,639
and then he lost his job, and then he was

1067
00:46:48,679 --> 00:46:50,320
like in a really dark place. And I was like,

1068
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:53,159
I think you gotta like cut the sauce for like

1069
00:46:53,159 --> 00:46:55,320
a second. Yeah, I was like, just do sober October.

1070
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:56,079
See how you feel.

1071
00:46:56,199 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 2: I didn't even know that was a thing.

1072
00:46:57,480 --> 00:46:59,400
Speaker 1: Sober October. It's a thing.

1073
00:46:59,519 --> 00:47:02,199
Speaker 2: You famous said to me once when I suggested my

1074
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:04,719
ex do dry January. You were like, she's gonna reply,

1075
00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:06,440
let's actually do break up January.

1076
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:09,599
Speaker 1: It's actually, let's actually break up.

1077
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,760
Speaker 2: I have an idea. Break up Sober October.

1078
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:17,559
Speaker 1: Okay, sober October. And he lost fifteen pounds in one month.

1079
00:47:17,599 --> 00:47:20,920
He started biking again, He like got himself back, and

1080
00:47:21,639 --> 00:47:23,599
I was so close to the end at that point,

1081
00:47:23,639 --> 00:47:26,440
like I literally with my therapist made a like timeline.

1082
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:28,000
I was like, if he doesn't turn his shit around

1083
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:31,000
by January, I'm out, Like I can't do this. And

1084
00:47:31,039 --> 00:47:33,599
then he did sober October. He turned his whole life around.

1085
00:47:33,639 --> 00:47:35,840
He got a huge job in January, and then we

1086
00:47:35,880 --> 00:47:37,599
stayed together for like another couple of years.

1087
00:47:37,639 --> 00:47:37,840
Speaker 2: Wow.

1088
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:40,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, until I realized it wasn't the alcohol.

1089
00:47:40,119 --> 00:47:41,639
Speaker 2: Right right, right, but still.

1090
00:47:41,599 --> 00:47:45,239
Speaker 1: But still, it was like his life changed dramatically, and

1091
00:47:46,679 --> 00:47:50,039
I'm so proud of him, Like he just stayed stayed sober. Yeah,

1092
00:47:50,079 --> 00:47:51,119
he's fucking crushing it.

1093
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:51,719
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1094
00:47:52,599 --> 00:47:57,760
Speaker 2: I I can't imagine how hard because for whatever reason

1095
00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:00,400
I can do, I can drink and do hard drugs,

1096
00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:03,320
and I, for whatever reason, I'm not an addict. Yeah,

1097
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:05,559
and it's hard to not do, you know what I mean?

1098
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,679
Speaker 1: Like, Yeah, I'm so envious of you. I'm so envious

1099
00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:10,480
of anyone like and I have. You have a lot

1100
00:48:10,519 --> 00:48:13,079
of friends who are like that too, Well, not a lot,

1101
00:48:13,159 --> 00:48:15,000
but I feel like your friends are also like that,

1102
00:48:15,039 --> 00:48:17,400
where like they can drink and they're nobody's like a

1103
00:48:17,480 --> 00:48:19,400
drunk or a mess or a problem.

1104
00:48:19,679 --> 00:48:22,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's it's so it has their own affliction.

1105
00:48:23,039 --> 00:48:24,840
Speaker 1: Well, we all have our own afflictions, but it's nice

1106
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:28,119
to not be like the drunk, crying slob in the corner.

1107
00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:30,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I agree.

1108
00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:33,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, that's great. That's great. That's when I knew

1109
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:35,400
I needed to stop drinking when crying a lot. No,

1110
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:39,239
I was popping when I stopped popping pussy and started crying, well,

1111
00:48:39,239 --> 00:48:42,079
because I told myself popping pussy, popping pussy, what does

1112
00:48:42,159 --> 00:48:43,440
that mean? Popping pussy?

1113
00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 2: Throwing it back meaning fucking yeah.

1114
00:48:46,199 --> 00:48:48,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, that used to be the only side effect.

1115
00:48:48,719 --> 00:48:51,559
But then my mom's funerals the last time I drank,

1116
00:48:51,639 --> 00:48:53,639
because I like made a package drunk at the funeral, Yeah,

1117
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:56,320
hammered I, but I made a pack to myself beforehand.

1118
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:58,079
I was like, you're not gonna get drunk tonight, Like

1119
00:48:58,079 --> 00:48:59,760
we're gonna have a few drinks, We're gonna be sick.

1120
00:49:00,079 --> 00:49:03,760
Mindicate it. And then I got fucking blackout. And then

1121
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,039
I wound up the next morning. I was like with

1122
00:49:06,119 --> 00:49:09,119
a friend and my cousin in your movie, Yeah, I

1123
00:49:09,119 --> 00:49:11,079
woke up with like a friend and a cousin. I

1124
00:49:11,079 --> 00:49:13,039
was like, I wasn't that bad last night, And they're like,

1125
00:49:13,199 --> 00:49:15,519
you were literally crying on the bar for three hours,

1126
00:49:15,519 --> 00:49:18,039
and I was like, oh, I'm done. I didn't like

1127
00:49:18,119 --> 00:49:20,239
being told about my life, do you know what I mean?

1128
00:49:20,239 --> 00:49:20,719
I didn't like.

1129
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:24,159
Speaker 2: That's very uncomfortable. That's a really uncomfortable level of drunk.

1130
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:26,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, I don't like this. Like that, there's

1131
00:49:26,599 --> 00:49:28,559
like a version of me that's out in the world,

1132
00:49:28,679 --> 00:49:30,119
just like operating and doing shit.

1133
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:31,639
Speaker 2: That's terrifying.

1134
00:49:31,679 --> 00:49:32,639
Speaker 1: Yeah, knowing that.

1135
00:49:32,559 --> 00:49:35,519
Speaker 2: Level of being inebriated is really scary and it's also

1136
00:49:35,679 --> 00:49:38,320
so dangerous. Have you ever been that drunk, yes, okay,

1137
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,039
I mean blackout yeah, like in college.

1138
00:49:41,559 --> 00:49:44,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, see you could probably.

1139
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,039
Speaker 2: Like in college. I I had a night I remember,

1140
00:49:47,079 --> 00:49:50,320
I like didn't remember how I got home, just one night,

1141
00:49:53,159 --> 00:49:54,880
I'm sure, no there And then there was there was

1142
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:59,159
one famous night in my household at least where I

1143
00:49:59,199 --> 00:50:03,960
was drinking on so much and started puking, and my

1144
00:50:04,039 --> 00:50:06,719
friend who I was with, called an ambulance to take

1145
00:50:06,719 --> 00:50:09,320
me to the hospital because that was like what you

1146
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:12,679
did in college. And I by the time I got

1147
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:14,320
to the hospital, I had like sobered up and I

1148
00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:18,519
just like left. Oh sorry, oh no, this was the story.

1149
00:50:19,079 --> 00:50:21,719
There's two separate nights. That night got me into a

1150
00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:24,199
program at NYU where I had to check in about

1151
00:50:24,199 --> 00:50:25,039
my alcohol intakes.

1152
00:50:25,079 --> 00:50:26,880
Speaker 1: Okay, good, good start.

1153
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:29,880
Speaker 2: So I did that. And then there was one other

1154
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:32,639
time I got so fucked up. I was doing a

1155
00:50:32,679 --> 00:50:34,960
lot of shots. It was I think my sophomore year

1156
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:38,559
of college, and I went out with my friends to

1157
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,519
jay Z's club, like the forty forty club, the fifty

1158
00:50:41,559 --> 00:50:45,360
fifty club something, and I gave her my bag and

1159
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:47,519
in my bag with all of my things, my phone,

1160
00:50:47,599 --> 00:50:51,000
my wallet, whatever. I leave the club, I take a

1161
00:50:51,039 --> 00:50:54,159
taxi up town. I remember that I get out of

1162
00:50:54,159 --> 00:50:56,400
the taxi. I don't have money, and I just like ran.

1163
00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:01,079
I was standing outside my friends apartment who I left

1164
00:51:01,119 --> 00:51:05,119
at the club, buzzing to get in and to go

1165
00:51:05,199 --> 00:51:09,119
to sleep at her apartment. And then I found my

1166
00:51:09,159 --> 00:51:13,239
way into a diner. I fell asleep on the counter.

1167
00:51:14,039 --> 00:51:19,400
The diner called my dad and said, like, I guess

1168
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:21,679
I drunkenly gave him his phone number. He drove in

1169
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:24,199
from Connecticut. He was like, where are you. I was

1170
00:51:24,199 --> 00:51:27,679
like twenty second and second and the diner was like

1171
00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:30,639
sixty seven, relax, like it was like wrong. He drove in,

1172
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:32,280
He picked me up. I went home. I woke up

1173
00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:36,679
in my childhood home. Okay, I was in college and

1174
00:51:36,679 --> 00:51:40,320
I woke up in my childhood bedroom. And I literally

1175
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:41,559
have not gotten fucked up like that.

1176
00:51:41,599 --> 00:51:47,719
Speaker 1: Since your parents are so special. Your parents are so special,

1177
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:50,679
the best. Like even the other night on the weed Gummy,

1178
00:51:50,719 --> 00:51:52,400
they were worried about you. I was thinking about it,

1179
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:54,719
and part of me when I was like, I was like,

1180
00:51:54,840 --> 00:51:57,280
if I called my dad panicking about anything, he would

1181
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:58,360
be like get a grip and hang.

1182
00:51:58,280 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 2: Up, like you think, but he's also there for you.

1183
00:52:01,679 --> 00:52:03,480
Speaker 1: He's there for me, not in that way. I don't

1184
00:52:03,519 --> 00:52:05,599
have anyone there for me in that way. Like it's

1185
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:08,000
been very like you got to be a fucking soldier

1186
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:10,800
out here, but like your family's so special. Like my dad,

1187
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:12,239
if he would have gotten that call, he'd be like,

1188
00:52:12,239 --> 00:52:16,239
all right, she'll figure it out. Like there's no I

1189
00:52:16,599 --> 00:52:18,440
just love that they came and picked you up and

1190
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:20,400
like made sure you were safe. That's so sweet and wonderful.

1191
00:52:20,519 --> 00:52:22,400
Speaker 2: It was amazing. It was very sweet. And I woke

1192
00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:24,039
up the next day and I remember they didn't even

1193
00:52:24,039 --> 00:52:26,400
say to me. They were like, we're putting you on

1194
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:28,760
the train and go like get your stuff. They were

1195
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:30,599
I think they had been so worried about me that

1196
00:52:30,679 --> 00:52:32,760
on top of it, they knew I wasn't gonna need

1197
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:35,320
like a lecture, right. It was just the results were

1198
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:38,079
so bad. The results are that it was just like

1199
00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:41,199
you can now clean it up, yeah, which I do

1200
00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:44,039
think that that is. I find that style of parenting

1201
00:52:44,079 --> 00:52:46,440
to be admirable. They're not perfect, but that was like

1202
00:52:46,599 --> 00:52:48,719
enough where I was like, okay, this is was really

1203
00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:52,400
bad enough. Yeah, I was really disoriented when I woke

1204
00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:53,639
up with that feeling is terrible.

1205
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,840
Speaker 1: That's so crazy. That you only have like two of

1206
00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:58,679
those nights.

1207
00:52:57,159 --> 00:52:59,119
Speaker 2: Of such intense blackout.

1208
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:01,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I've woken up in different cities.

1209
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:02,519
Speaker 2: What do you mean?

1210
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:05,840
Speaker 1: Like I've gotten on planes and like flown to different

1211
00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:08,079
cities and forgot and then woke up.

1212
00:53:08,159 --> 00:53:10,000
Speaker 2: How do you go through tsa wasted like that?

1213
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:11,039
Speaker 1: I'll show you.

1214
00:53:13,599 --> 00:53:16,280
Speaker 2: But where why? What is inspiring you to go get

1215
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:17,440
on a plane when you're blacked out?

1216
00:53:17,519 --> 00:53:17,800
Speaker 5: Dick?

1217
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:22,760
Speaker 1: Oh? Like I would go on a little adventure, like

1218
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:25,000
a Sunday fun day would turn into now I'm in Cleveland.

1219
00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:28,480
Speaker 2: Really, They're like, get on a plane.

1220
00:53:28,559 --> 00:53:31,039
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well they don't know. The guy I am talking

1221
00:53:31,079 --> 00:53:34,079
to doesn't know how fucking fucking wasted I am. So

1222
00:53:34,119 --> 00:53:35,719
they're just like, we'll send you a car, I'll send

1223
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:37,639
you this, I'll do this, I'll do that whatever, and

1224
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:40,239
a ticket. Yeah, and then I wake up in Cleveland.

1225
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:44,039
Oh my god, that island.

1226
00:53:44,119 --> 00:53:46,239
Speaker 2: How many drinks is that that you're in that space?

1227
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:49,639
Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing, Like I used to drink a

1228
00:53:49,679 --> 00:53:53,280
whole bottle before I went out of what it varied

1229
00:53:53,599 --> 00:53:56,840
throughout the years, but it starts. It's usually was rum

1230
00:53:57,480 --> 00:54:01,719
like Bacardi parent an entire bottle and then when I

1231
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:04,039
was in college, I was drinking an entire bottle of Jamison.

1232
00:54:04,039 --> 00:54:05,000
Speaker 2: How do you not die?

1233
00:54:05,519 --> 00:54:05,960
Speaker 1: I should have.

1234
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:09,639
Speaker 2: But by the way, why are you choosing the most

1235
00:54:09,679 --> 00:54:12,159
disgusting liquor Jameson Jamison.

1236
00:54:12,599 --> 00:54:15,519
Speaker 1: Jamison had like a real run in Milwaukee in the

1237
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:19,119
in the early knots, in the tens. Whoa, it was

1238
00:54:19,159 --> 00:54:21,400
on a real run. It was on a humdinger when

1239
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:24,960
you just drink it straight up. Yeah, just shot shot

1240
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:25,719
shot shot shot.

1241
00:54:26,559 --> 00:54:29,719
Speaker 2: Oh my god, for me, like five shots.

1242
00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:32,840
Speaker 1: Is like yeah for any person usually.

1243
00:54:32,639 --> 00:54:37,199
Speaker 2: Like maybe severely fucked up. Last night, I had a

1244
00:54:37,199 --> 00:54:38,920
lot to drink, but it was over the course of many,

1245
00:54:38,920 --> 00:54:41,800
many hours. But it was again maybe five drink yeah yeah,

1246
00:54:41,840 --> 00:54:43,079
over the course of seven hours.

1247
00:54:43,159 --> 00:54:46,679
Speaker 1: Yeah see, I would probably see this is like the thing,

1248
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:48,800
this is why I can't drink again, because the way

1249
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:50,360
in which I drank would kill me.

1250
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:50,599
Speaker 2: Now.

1251
00:54:50,840 --> 00:54:54,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, like it I really I had no off switch.

1252
00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:55,639
And it was like I was the kind of person

1253
00:54:55,679 --> 00:54:57,719
where like when a waitress came to the table and

1254
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:00,400
I still had most of my drink left to order

1255
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,679
another one. Yeah, so that because I knew by the

1256
00:55:03,679 --> 00:55:05,960
time she got back, I would need another one. Also,

1257
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:08,159
like working in the service industry. I was bartending, I

1258
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:10,480
was or I was cocktailing and bartending, so I would

1259
00:55:10,519 --> 00:55:13,000
just rip shots all night long.

1260
00:55:13,079 --> 00:55:14,679
Speaker 2: And you were doing it. You were able to work

1261
00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:18,480
fucked up. Yeah, wow, that is really impressive to me.

1262
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:20,920
I'd be like falling physically in a sleep.

1263
00:55:21,079 --> 00:55:22,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I was. Yeah.

1264
00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:26,199
Speaker 2: How are you like you just built genetically then predisposed

1265
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:27,760
to be capable alcoholic?

1266
00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:28,119
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1267
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:31,400
Speaker 1: I think it's like in our family, it's in our blood.

1268
00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:34,000
Speaker 2: Like I would I don't, I could not. I'd be

1269
00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:34,960
like I can't speak.

1270
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:37,880
Speaker 1: Yeah. No. See. The scariest thing about me and the

1271
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:40,800
scariest thing about my dad, which you know and love him.

1272
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:43,000
I got this from my dad, is we can both

1273
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:45,880
be in a full blackout and be fully coherent.

1274
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,559
Speaker 2: Yeah. That's really scary having.

1275
00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:49,800
Speaker 1: Like this kind of a conversation with you, and then

1276
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,639
the next day I'll have no idea what was said,

1277
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:54,840
or that we even saw each other, or that we spoke.

1278
00:55:55,239 --> 00:55:58,320
But there's no signs, there's no slurring, there's no like

1279
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:01,559
flop sweat, there's nothing other than just chops. What flap

1280
00:56:01,599 --> 00:56:03,519
sweat is like when you know you get drunk and

1281
00:56:03,559 --> 00:56:04,760
you start to get like slimy.

1282
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:06,960
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's gross.

1283
00:56:07,039 --> 00:56:07,559
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1284
00:56:07,639 --> 00:56:16,159
Speaker 2: My most impressive drinking friends. I I actually think they're like,

1285
00:56:16,360 --> 00:56:19,199
they drink so much. I would imagine they're gonna forget,

1286
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:23,000
but then they remember everything, right, which is also weird. Yeah,

1287
00:56:23,079 --> 00:56:24,880
It's like, I'm like, how are you not blacked out?

1288
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:26,159
You drink more than anything?

1289
00:56:26,320 --> 00:56:28,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I could bacillate between that two. It

1290
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:30,320
really depends where you caught me in my drinking career,

1291
00:56:30,400 --> 00:56:32,960
because early on that was me. I would drink so

1292
00:56:33,039 --> 00:56:35,280
much and I would remember everything. Yeah, and then the

1293
00:56:35,360 --> 00:56:37,559
later it got my brain started getting tools in it.

1294
00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:39,880
Speaker 2: Do you think because of your tolerance? This is a

1295
00:56:39,920 --> 00:56:42,920
dumb question, you just genuinely what you just keep drinking

1296
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:44,559
more and more and more and more and more. Does

1297
00:56:44,559 --> 00:56:46,159
it always go like that or is there a certain point?

1298
00:56:46,199 --> 00:56:48,559
Speaker 1: It was more and more and more until I hit

1299
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,239
the limit and then it started going down and then

1300
00:56:51,239 --> 00:56:53,119
I would have to drink less to get more fucked up.

1301
00:56:53,159 --> 00:56:55,039
And that's actually like one of the signs of like

1302
00:56:55,119 --> 00:56:57,480
later stage alcoholism, which is kind of scary because I

1303
00:56:57,519 --> 00:56:58,400
hit that in my twenties.

1304
00:56:58,760 --> 00:56:59,239
Speaker 2: What is that?

1305
00:56:59,639 --> 00:57:01,519
Speaker 1: So it's like it was like a lot, a lot,

1306
00:57:01,559 --> 00:57:03,920
a lot like high school college, it was like I

1307
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:05,800
was drinking a whole bottle before I even went out,

1308
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:07,440
and then when I went out, I was still drinking.

1309
00:57:07,519 --> 00:57:09,840
Like I was drinking so fucking much.

1310
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:10,320
Speaker 5: Yeah.

1311
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:12,519
Speaker 1: But then when I was in my twenties and was

1312
00:57:12,559 --> 00:57:15,000
still like drinking, it would take less to get me

1313
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:17,639
drunk because it's like your body's trying to protect you.

1314
00:57:17,719 --> 00:57:19,239
It's like we know where we're going. We're gonna like

1315
00:57:19,239 --> 00:57:21,039
shut the fucking system down.

1316
00:57:21,440 --> 00:57:23,400
Speaker 2: Oh that is scary, you know when you say that, though,

1317
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:28,840
I actually remember I drink so much my like junior

1318
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,440
senior year of high school that by the time I

1319
00:57:31,480 --> 00:57:33,960
got to college, I was pretty burned out up for

1320
00:57:33,960 --> 00:57:36,719
my sophomore year. Yeah, Like I did most of my

1321
00:57:36,840 --> 00:57:39,199
heavy drinking my senior year of high school. I put

1322
00:57:39,199 --> 00:57:41,559
on so much weight then and then I lost it

1323
00:57:41,599 --> 00:57:45,159
in college. Yeah, because I was like totally drinking way

1324
00:57:45,159 --> 00:57:45,519
too much.

1325
00:57:45,639 --> 00:57:49,559
Speaker 1: Yeah school, Yeah, I drank the whole the whole time. Yeah,

1326
00:57:49,599 --> 00:57:51,559
and I just thought it was the hottest bitch. And

1327
00:57:51,599 --> 00:57:53,119
then if you see pictures of me in college, I

1328
00:57:53,159 --> 00:57:53,960
had like a beer.

1329
00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:55,880
Speaker 2: Belly, Like I was just like, yeah, but you have

1330
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:58,199
always been hot. But yeah, I.

1331
00:57:58,119 --> 00:57:59,880
Speaker 1: Hear you I was tanning twice a day. I looked

1332
00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:06,360
like a fucking a pumpkin. Oh my gosh, what's the

1333
00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:07,920
best worst thing that's ever happened to you? Did you

1334
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:08,320
answer that?

1335
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:09,039
Speaker 3: No?

1336
00:58:09,159 --> 00:58:13,320
Speaker 2: I didn't answer it the best worst thing that's ever

1337
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:14,800
happened to me. It's hard for me to not like

1338
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,920
be first of all, it's really hard to answer that

1339
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:21,719
after your answer, right, because it's but also so tragic

1340
00:58:21,760 --> 00:58:23,880
and traumatizing in a way that I'm like, oh my god,

1341
00:58:24,519 --> 00:58:25,840
you know what am I gonna say?

1342
00:58:25,880 --> 00:58:26,320
Speaker 5: But like.

1343
00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:30,960
Speaker 2: This is just like a theme of anything that you

1344
00:58:31,039 --> 00:58:34,440
go through that you feel is so utterly terrible that

1345
00:58:35,119 --> 00:58:37,119
ends up serving you in all of these ways. And like,

1346
00:58:37,159 --> 00:58:40,960
I just don't I mean, I don't know. I think

1347
00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:43,159
about that like Steve Jobs quote all the time where

1348
00:58:43,159 --> 00:58:46,280
he's like, you can only connect the dots retrospectively, And

1349
00:58:46,320 --> 00:58:48,679
it's true, it's just like every bad thing that happens

1350
00:58:48,719 --> 00:58:51,320
that I'm it's like everything in my life that I

1351
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:55,800
cling onto so hard. The second I'm actually like authentically

1352
00:58:55,840 --> 00:58:58,159
able to let go of it, all the shit that

1353
00:58:58,239 --> 00:59:02,239
I would have like wanted in the first place comes in. Yeah,

1354
00:59:02,719 --> 00:59:05,559
you know, yeah, So for me, obvious like the thing

1355
00:59:05,559 --> 00:59:08,239
I'm thinking about is like, do you know this like

1356
00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:11,599
horrifying breakup right involved gaslighting and all these things that

1357
00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:12,599
was so painful.

1358
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:13,800
Speaker 1: It was so painful, and.

1359
00:59:13,760 --> 00:59:16,679
Speaker 2: Then the after follows the best year of my life,

1360
00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:20,840
like all these things. But yeah, it's just really hard

1361
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:22,480
when you're like in the middle of something to like

1362
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:24,079
you can't see.

1363
00:59:24,079 --> 00:59:26,159
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't see the what is it? Can't see

1364
00:59:26,199 --> 00:59:27,199
the trees through.

1365
00:59:27,079 --> 00:59:29,840
Speaker 2: The forest, something like that, something like that.

1366
00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:32,800
Speaker 1: Something like that. What assumptions do you think strangers make

1367
00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:34,960
about me based off my social media?

1368
00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:36,719
Speaker 2: You answer it for me?

1369
00:59:37,239 --> 00:59:47,800
Speaker 1: For you, Yeah, I think highly intellectual, very very funny.

1370
00:59:48,039 --> 00:59:48,800
Speaker 2: It's so nice.

1371
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:50,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think it's a nice answer.

1372
00:59:51,079 --> 00:59:53,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought I was gonna be like rude.

1373
00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:59,280
Speaker 1: No, I was getting there, highly highly intellectual because from

1374
00:59:59,320 --> 01:00:03,840
you you're little your little threads, Yeah, those are always

1375
01:00:03,840 --> 01:00:06,599
so funny and smart. And then when you post your clips,

1376
01:00:06,639 --> 01:00:07,880
they're always so funny and smart.

1377
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:08,440
Speaker 2: Oh thank you.

1378
01:00:10,519 --> 01:00:14,079
Speaker 1: But what people assume based off your social media is

1379
01:00:14,119 --> 01:00:18,280
that is that they think you're happy, and I know

1380
01:00:18,320 --> 01:00:20,880
you're not. No, I think they think you're dating your

1381
01:00:20,880 --> 01:00:21,800
best friend, right though.

1382
01:00:21,760 --> 01:00:24,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, I know that though they all reply, yeah.

1383
01:00:24,559 --> 01:00:29,039
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, and I just wonder, as another one of

1384
01:00:29,079 --> 01:00:31,159
your close friends, why you never post me. I'm just kidding.

1385
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:33,119
I actually don't care.

1386
01:00:33,199 --> 01:00:35,599
Speaker 2: Like I posted you a week ago.

1387
01:00:35,800 --> 01:00:36,559
Speaker 1: I was just kidding.

1388
01:00:36,679 --> 01:00:38,719
Speaker 2: You know, you're not or truth than just you do

1389
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:39,159
wonder that?

1390
01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:40,559
Speaker 1: No, I actually don't.

1391
01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:45,960
Speaker 2: I do post like six people, yeah, three of which

1392
01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:46,840
are on heavy rotation.

1393
01:00:47,079 --> 01:00:51,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, okay. What do you think people think about

1394
01:00:51,760 --> 01:00:53,440
me based off my social media.

1395
01:00:55,719 --> 01:01:00,519
Speaker 2: Or disaster or yeah, or just because of the brain colors?

1396
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,679
You wear a lot of bright colors. Probably, I think

1397
01:01:03,679 --> 01:01:06,440
that's why. But you also like you're so it's what

1398
01:01:06,480 --> 01:01:08,559
I also like love about you, and it's the same

1399
01:01:08,559 --> 01:01:12,079
reason people think you're a whore like you are so

1400
01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:19,719
like radically and honestly yourself. And it first of all,

1401
01:01:19,719 --> 01:01:21,440
it does a few things. One is it does what

1402
01:01:21,679 --> 01:01:23,400
it did to the start of our friendship, where it

1403
01:01:23,440 --> 01:01:25,880
makes people really intimidated by you and we like hated

1404
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:27,679
each other at first, which is a fun story that

1405
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:29,920
I don't know if we've talked about on here, but

1406
01:01:30,400 --> 01:01:34,119
you know, it's intimidating. But the other thing it does

1407
01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:37,719
is it gives people permission to just be themselves around you.

1408
01:01:38,199 --> 01:01:41,039
In a way that like I like really appreciate. Like

1409
01:01:41,079 --> 01:01:45,559
I have this relationship with my youngest sister, specifically Sammy,

1410
01:01:45,599 --> 01:01:49,280
where like I feel like I could say anything to

1411
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:53,519
her that like usually should be dripping in shame, like

1412
01:01:53,760 --> 01:01:58,000
choices or my feelings about something, and we can laugh

1413
01:01:58,039 --> 01:02:01,559
about it. And I have that same sense with you

1414
01:02:02,239 --> 01:02:04,840
that like it's almost just you shine a light on

1415
01:02:04,880 --> 01:02:08,320
something that's like should be so dark about something, and

1416
01:02:08,360 --> 01:02:13,000
then it becomes really funny. Yeah, and it's very freeing.

1417
01:02:13,320 --> 01:02:14,440
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1418
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:19,400
Speaker 2: And I think that people maybe assume from they don't

1419
01:02:19,559 --> 01:02:22,199
it's actually that they don't get to feel. I think

1420
01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:25,320
like how like soft you are, right, and like big

1421
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:29,039
hearted you are, because like you can be like very

1422
01:02:29,119 --> 01:02:32,800
like dark and promiscuous and like loud, like these things

1423
01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:34,639
that people are like, there's no way she's like she's

1424
01:02:34,719 --> 01:02:38,800
really sensitive. Yeah, and like you're not like a thoughtless person,

1425
01:02:39,400 --> 01:02:42,159
you know. And I think that just you're edging in

1426
01:02:42,199 --> 01:02:44,400
a way that people are like she's not thinking or something,

1427
01:02:44,639 --> 01:02:45,360
and it's not true.

1428
01:02:45,559 --> 01:02:47,320
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think a lot of times people and I

1429
01:02:47,320 --> 01:02:48,960
don't know if this is based off my social media

1430
01:02:49,000 --> 01:02:52,679
are just my general demeanor. People are always like I

1431
01:02:52,679 --> 01:02:54,519
thought you were going to be such a bitch. Yeah,

1432
01:02:54,559 --> 01:02:55,840
Like I thought you were going to be such a

1433
01:02:55,880 --> 01:02:59,880
huge bitch. And I'm like, because I can be by

1434
01:03:00,039 --> 01:03:02,119
the way I can be, But that's not what That's

1435
01:03:02,119 --> 01:03:02,840
not how I lead.

1436
01:03:03,159 --> 01:03:05,440
Speaker 2: Also, just like cowt girls, I've talked about this in general,

1437
01:03:05,639 --> 01:03:08,320
just like people don't think cockgirls are gonna ever be nice, right,

1438
01:03:08,559 --> 01:03:10,559
it's not even nice. Nice is the wrong word. I

1439
01:03:10,559 --> 01:03:13,280
think that you're like big feeling and like you do

1440
01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:15,360
care about some people. Mm.

1441
01:03:15,440 --> 01:03:16,880
Speaker 1: So you want to borrow my nions. You want to

1442
01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:17,960
borrow my neans.

1443
01:03:17,599 --> 01:03:19,800
Speaker 2: Babe, I don't like you know, I just did my colors.

1444
01:03:20,119 --> 01:03:22,760
Speaker 1: You hate neons now, literally told me when you were

1445
01:03:22,800 --> 01:03:24,239
I was going to meet your friends here, You're like,

1446
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:26,519
don't wear neons and look like a whore. I was like,

1447
01:03:26,679 --> 01:03:28,239
oh my god, is that what you think of me?

1448
01:03:28,559 --> 01:03:30,800
Speaker 2: No, But like neons are just first of all, it

1449
01:03:30,840 --> 01:03:31,400
was a shabbat.

1450
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:34,280
Speaker 1: Totally, I've never wear you to a shabbat.

1451
01:03:34,360 --> 01:03:36,280
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I'm just saying they pull focus in a

1452
01:03:36,320 --> 01:03:37,480
scary way sometimes.

1453
01:03:37,960 --> 01:03:41,000
Speaker 1: Also, this is what I'm going to say, This is

1454
01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:42,159
what I'm going to say to you. No, I love

1455
01:03:42,199 --> 01:03:42,800
that we're honest and.

1456
01:03:42,840 --> 01:03:44,519
Speaker 2: By the way, You've given me a full beauty makeover.

1457
01:03:44,559 --> 01:03:46,119
You sat me down, you told me my hair's too short.

1458
01:03:46,119 --> 01:03:47,440
I need to fix my nose, I need to fix

1459
01:03:47,440 --> 01:03:49,280
my lips. I need filler, I need botogs. Here, you

1460
01:03:49,639 --> 01:03:51,400
and I followed your step by step plan. I got

1461
01:03:51,440 --> 01:03:53,400
a tan, I lost like five pounds, and I've never

1462
01:03:53,480 --> 01:03:55,480
gotten more compounds in my life. Other people will not

1463
01:03:55,559 --> 01:03:57,920
listen to your programming in terms of your beauty plan

1464
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,199
for them. I fucking did step by step.

1465
01:04:00,079 --> 01:04:03,079
Speaker 1: And you're and you've never been hot.

1466
01:04:03,280 --> 01:04:03,920
Speaker 2: You gave vehicle.

1467
01:04:04,000 --> 01:04:05,880
Speaker 1: Literally, I didn't tell you to lose weight, though you

1468
01:04:05,920 --> 01:04:09,360
did that on your own. Okay, the neon. This is

1469
01:04:09,360 --> 01:04:11,239
what I'm going to tell you, because it's there's a

1470
01:04:11,239 --> 01:04:13,239
method to my madness. So when I put my first

1471
01:04:13,239 --> 01:04:16,039
special out, how a Housewife, every single one of those

1472
01:04:16,079 --> 01:04:18,519
clips went viral, every single one, And I was in

1473
01:04:18,559 --> 01:04:23,400
a bright pink blazer. When I put Horning out, zero

1474
01:04:23,679 --> 01:04:27,199
of them went viral and I was in all black. Okay,

1475
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:29,159
And then when I put the Don't Tell special out,

1476
01:04:29,239 --> 01:04:32,079
I was wearing a bright blue blazer and neon underneath

1477
01:04:33,199 --> 01:04:36,079
viral again, and so then I noticed a pattern, and

1478
01:04:36,119 --> 01:04:38,039
I was like when I wear bright collars and say

1479
01:04:38,159 --> 01:04:40,159
dark things, people.

1480
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:44,199
Speaker 2: Are like, wow, okay, fine, it's almost like charactery. Yeah, yeah,

1481
01:04:44,239 --> 01:04:46,000
it's that's smart and I could see that.

1482
01:04:46,079 --> 01:04:47,679
Speaker 1: So then when I did it again with Don't Tell,

1483
01:04:47,719 --> 01:04:49,800
and I wore that neon and it went viral again. Okay,

1484
01:04:49,800 --> 01:04:51,960
so I think I have a formula. Yeah you do,

1485
01:04:52,079 --> 01:04:56,719
and I'm a whore. And also, okay, we're gonna cut

1486
01:04:56,760 --> 01:04:59,039
over to the Patreon Come join us. Okay, hi, honeys,

1487
01:04:59,039 --> 01:05:00,840
if you're going on the artist Way journey with me.

1488
01:05:00,960 --> 01:05:03,320
We are back this week after taking a week off

1489
01:05:03,360 --> 01:05:07,920
because I lost my book. This week is recovering a

1490
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:12,679
sense of strength the week eight. This week tackles another

1491
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:16,719
major creative block. Time. You will explore the ways in

1492
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:19,159
which you have used your perception of time to preclude

1493
01:05:19,239 --> 01:05:23,360
taking creative risks. You will identify immediate and practical changes

1494
01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:25,840
you can make in your current life. You will excavate

1495
01:05:26,559 --> 01:05:29,360
the early conditioning that may have encouraged you to settle

1496
01:05:29,840 --> 01:05:35,079
for far less than you desire. Creatively, survival, one of

1497
01:05:35,119 --> 01:05:37,719
the most difficult tasks and an artist must face, is

1498
01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:41,360
a primal one, artistic survival. All artists must learn the

1499
01:05:41,480 --> 01:05:44,679
art of surviving loss, loss of hope, loss of face,

1500
01:05:44,760 --> 01:05:47,519
loss of money, loss of self belief. In addition to

1501
01:05:47,559 --> 01:05:52,079
our many gains, we inevitably suffer losses over our artistic career.

1502
01:05:53,199 --> 01:05:55,360
We have to acknowledge it and share it, right, because

1503
01:05:55,360 --> 01:05:57,360
when you lose something, when you make something and it

1504
01:05:57,360 --> 01:05:59,719
doesn't go the way you want or it doesn't get

1505
01:05:59,719 --> 01:06:02,199
as far as you want. You know, I've like written

1506
01:06:02,199 --> 01:06:05,440
pilots and I've done things and I've put them out

1507
01:06:05,440 --> 01:06:09,199
into the world and not so many copies sold, you know,

1508
01:06:09,239 --> 01:06:13,079
with my book, like not so many copies sold. I

1509
01:06:13,119 --> 01:06:15,360
have written pilots that I like, really deeply believe in

1510
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:19,079
and they don't get bought. And I think it's important

1511
01:06:19,079 --> 01:06:22,400
to take time to mourn those losses because you are

1512
01:06:23,079 --> 01:06:25,280
pouring your soul out and you do hope that it

1513
01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:28,079
gets received well, and not everything does. And I think like,

1514
01:06:28,199 --> 01:06:30,679
in order to mourn those losses, you have to acknowledge them,

1515
01:06:30,719 --> 01:06:34,039
and in order to heal them, you have to share them.

1516
01:06:34,199 --> 01:06:36,639
So you have to share with someone that you trust

1517
01:06:36,639 --> 01:06:38,400
that's going to be a safe space for you during

1518
01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:41,320
this process about what it feels like to lose that.

1519
01:06:41,480 --> 01:06:44,440
And in the book, it's comparing this type of loss

1520
01:06:45,039 --> 01:06:49,480
to a miscarriage. Right, Like women, when we lose babies

1521
01:06:49,559 --> 01:06:52,280
or don't bring babies to term, we spend a great

1522
01:06:52,320 --> 01:06:56,400
deal of time mourning the loss of you know what,

1523
01:06:56,920 --> 01:07:00,800
what could have been. And this is similar with artistic

1524
01:07:00,920 --> 01:07:03,079
pursuits that don't go the way we want, or they

1525
01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:05,880
never see the light of day, or you make something

1526
01:07:05,920 --> 01:07:09,320
wonderful and it gets shelved. Like, we just need to

1527
01:07:09,320 --> 01:07:11,480
make sure that we are giving time and space to

1528
01:07:11,559 --> 01:07:20,840
properly mourn these things. True, just the disappointing reception of

1529
01:07:20,880 --> 01:07:23,000
a good piece of work, the inability to move across

1530
01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:24,800
into different mediums or a type of role due to

1531
01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:28,760
other people's expectations are artistic losses that must be mourned.

1532
01:07:29,039 --> 01:07:32,199
Perhaps the most damaging form of artistic loss has to

1533
01:07:32,199 --> 01:07:34,840
do with criticism. Okay, so this one's really big, right,

1534
01:07:34,920 --> 01:07:38,679
because we can get a piece of criticism that can

1535
01:07:38,880 --> 01:07:41,679
derail us for years. And I had this happen when

1536
01:07:41,679 --> 01:07:45,119
I first started doing comedy. My aunt told me, she said,

1537
01:07:45,960 --> 01:07:48,119
you know, if you keep going with this comedy thing,

1538
01:07:48,159 --> 01:07:50,239
it's really not going to be great for your position

1539
01:07:50,280 --> 01:07:53,480
in the family. I mean, I made a joke about

1540
01:07:53,480 --> 01:07:55,800
my grandma I like mocked her accent or something. She

1541
01:07:55,880 --> 01:07:58,079
was from Britain and I've made it, but it was

1542
01:07:58,119 --> 01:07:59,800
a funny joke, I was. What was it?

1543
01:07:59,800 --> 01:07:59,960
Speaker 3: It was?

1544
01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:02,719
Speaker 1: It's like, it's hard talking to your grandparents about dating

1545
01:08:02,760 --> 01:08:07,119
because it's changed so much since back in the day.

1546
01:08:07,199 --> 01:08:09,119
You know, I'm talking to my grandma on the phone.

1547
01:08:09,159 --> 01:08:10,960
She's like, ohould go to the movie? Did you go

1548
01:08:11,039 --> 01:08:15,400
to the movie or would you go to them? Do

1549
01:08:15,400 --> 01:08:17,159
you go to the movie and get a milkshake? And

1550
01:08:17,199 --> 01:08:19,640
I'm like, yeah, Grandma. Then afterwards we did the jitterbug,

1551
01:08:19,680 --> 01:08:22,479
and by jitterbug I mean anal That was the whole joke.

1552
01:08:22,560 --> 01:08:25,000
But my aunt told me basically if I kept doing comedy,

1553
01:08:25,079 --> 01:08:27,439
I would not have a place in the family. And

1554
01:08:27,640 --> 01:08:33,039
I was so hurt by that criticism that, like it

1555
01:08:33,159 --> 01:08:38,399
really put a damper on me and my steam to

1556
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:42,279
go forward. So I think we can get criticism from

1557
01:08:42,319 --> 01:08:45,359
well meaning people, we can get criticism from fucking controls

1558
01:08:45,399 --> 01:08:47,560
on the internet, we can get criticism from all over

1559
01:08:47,600 --> 01:08:51,479
the place, and it can really fuck us up, you know.

1560
01:08:51,680 --> 01:08:54,600
So you just have to take time to mourn, mourn

1561
01:08:54,800 --> 01:08:59,399
the piece of you that was hurt and kind of

1562
01:08:59,479 --> 01:09:03,119
move on from that personal and nature nebulous as to specifics.

1563
01:09:03,119 --> 01:09:06,560
This criticism is like covert sexual harassment, a sullying yet

1564
01:09:06,560 --> 01:09:10,600
hard to quantify experience. The student emerges feeling shamed like

1565
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:17,479
a bad artist or worse, like a fool. So we

1566
01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:19,840
just have to be we have to be very very

1567
01:09:19,880 --> 01:09:23,199
careful about who we're letting view our work, especially in

1568
01:09:23,239 --> 01:09:28,560
the beginning, who were opening it up to to criticize,

1569
01:09:29,039 --> 01:09:32,399
because even if it's subtle or just like people take

1570
01:09:32,479 --> 01:09:34,640
like little digs at you, they can build up and

1571
01:09:34,680 --> 01:09:36,319
they can start to feel really bad and then they

1572
01:09:36,319 --> 01:09:40,079
can kind of shut you down, and that'll kind of

1573
01:09:40,079 --> 01:09:42,600
turn into artistic scar tissue where you're not going to

1574
01:09:42,600 --> 01:09:43,880
be able to move forward. You're not going to be

1575
01:09:43,880 --> 01:09:45,479
able to create the next thing because you're going to

1576
01:09:45,520 --> 01:09:47,720
feel so bad about the first thing that you created

1577
01:09:47,760 --> 01:09:52,199
that you can't you can't move forward. And a lot

1578
01:09:52,199 --> 01:09:55,119
of times this will come from people in positions of power, right,

1579
01:09:55,159 --> 01:09:57,159
This will come from teachers. This will come from people

1580
01:09:57,239 --> 01:09:59,920
that are themselves creatively stuck and they don't want you

1581
01:10:00,119 --> 01:10:02,359
you to break out in a way that they never

1582
01:10:02,399 --> 01:10:06,479
were able to. So oftentimes, like if you're in school

1583
01:10:08,000 --> 01:10:12,039
for film or art, or advertising or anything whatever. You're

1584
01:10:12,079 --> 01:10:15,520
in school for a lot of times. You know, there's

1585
01:10:15,560 --> 01:10:18,560
that old saying, if you can't do teach, and while

1586
01:10:18,560 --> 01:10:20,439
I don't think it's always true, I think there there

1587
01:10:20,520 --> 01:10:22,079
is a lot of truth to it. There's a lot

1588
01:10:22,119 --> 01:10:24,640
of validity in that. You have to be really careful

1589
01:10:25,239 --> 01:10:28,479
making sure that you don't take teachers feedback too seriously,

1590
01:10:28,560 --> 01:10:30,840
because a lot of them are just people that wanted

1591
01:10:30,920 --> 01:10:33,279
to do the thing, and they couldn't get past kind

1592
01:10:33,319 --> 01:10:41,640
of their creative the creative not blocks, but the creative Gosh,

1593
01:10:42,119 --> 01:10:44,680
they couldn't get past I'm like having a fucking brain

1594
01:10:44,720 --> 01:10:48,640
aneurysm right now. They couldn't get past people like putting

1595
01:10:48,640 --> 01:10:50,600
them down and criticizing them, and so they kind of

1596
01:10:50,600 --> 01:10:53,079
shrunk into something smaller, which is, you know, a teacher

1597
01:10:53,119 --> 01:10:55,720
and somebody who can then kind of pass down that

1598
01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:58,720
sort of artistic trauma to the next victim, which ends

1599
01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,439
up being their students. So just be very careful for

1600
01:11:01,520 --> 01:11:05,319
people in power when you are pursuing a creative life,

1601
01:11:06,880 --> 01:11:09,199
because those are often people that are unable or unwilling

1602
01:11:09,239 --> 01:11:13,000
to expose themselves to the rigors and disappointments of creating themselves.

1603
01:11:13,279 --> 01:11:17,159
They alternately over control and undercut their best endeavors, seeking

1604
01:11:17,359 --> 01:11:21,399
vicariously to fulfill or justify their own position on the sidelines.

1605
01:11:23,439 --> 01:11:25,920
And here's what we need. All of us need encouragement.

1606
01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:28,000
I want to give you encouragement to create. You need

1607
01:11:28,039 --> 01:11:30,600
to be encouraged to create, like we all just need

1608
01:11:30,600 --> 01:11:34,239
to have each other's back in the creative process. As artists,

1609
01:11:34,239 --> 01:11:36,079
we are like little kids. We do need a lot

1610
01:11:36,119 --> 01:11:38,600
of love and care. And so just make sure you're

1611
01:11:38,600 --> 01:11:40,239
giving that to yourself. And if you can't give it

1612
01:11:40,239 --> 01:11:42,119
to yourself, find someone in your life who can be

1613
01:11:42,199 --> 01:11:47,039
there for you in that capacity. Don't become over the

1614
01:11:47,399 --> 01:11:51,760
cerebral that will cripple you. Artists and intellectuals are not

1615
01:11:51,880 --> 01:12:00,239
the same animals. Many gifted artists languish for years in

1616
01:12:00,319 --> 01:12:03,079
wake of such blows, Shamed at their supposed lack of

1617
01:12:03,159 --> 01:12:06,039
talent their grandiose dreams. The young artists may channel their

1618
01:12:06,039 --> 01:12:08,439
gifts into commercial endeavors and then forget their dreams of

1619
01:12:08,479 --> 01:12:11,880
doing more groundbreaking and risky work. They may work as

1620
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:15,279
editors instead of writers, film editors instead of directors, commercial

1621
01:12:15,399 --> 01:12:18,159
artists instead of fine artists. In order to recover our

1622
01:12:18,239 --> 01:12:20,960
sense of hope and courage to create. We must acknowledge

1623
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:24,560
and mourn the scars that are blocking us. Like the

1624
01:12:24,600 --> 01:12:26,640
career of any athlete, you guys were gonna get hurt,

1625
01:12:26,680 --> 01:12:29,199
all right. We're gonna have losses, We're gonna have injuries.

1626
01:12:29,279 --> 01:12:32,039
We are going to look back on our creative careers

1627
01:12:32,079 --> 01:12:35,359
and be like, ooh, I you know, that wasn't my best.

1628
01:12:35,439 --> 01:12:39,399
That wasn't my best, that wasn't my best work. The

1629
01:12:39,399 --> 01:12:41,199
trick is to survive them, to learn how to let

1630
01:12:41,239 --> 01:12:44,760
yourself heal. No inventory of our artistic injuries would be

1631
01:12:44,800 --> 01:12:49,279
complete without acknowledging those wounds that are self inflicted. Here's

1632
01:12:49,319 --> 01:12:52,039
the other thing. Sometimes gain is disguised as loss. Right,

1633
01:12:52,119 --> 01:12:55,079
every loss must always be viewed as a potential gain.

1634
01:12:55,199 --> 01:12:58,000
It's all in the framing. Every end is a beginning.

1635
01:12:58,079 --> 01:12:59,800
We know that, but we tend to forget that as

1636
01:12:59,800 --> 01:13:02,439
we move through grief. I don't relate to anything more

1637
01:13:02,479 --> 01:13:05,159
than this sentence in this chapter. I am in such

1638
01:13:05,359 --> 01:13:10,800
a state of personal grief right now that I can't

1639
01:13:10,920 --> 01:13:16,199
understand what it's all for. But I know intellectually, because

1640
01:13:16,199 --> 01:13:17,920
I've been through so much pain in my life before,

1641
01:13:17,920 --> 01:13:19,760
that something great is on the other side of this.

1642
01:13:21,960 --> 01:13:24,279
Struck by a loss, we focus understandably on what we

1643
01:13:24,359 --> 01:13:27,319
leave behind, the lost stream of the work, successful fruition,

1644
01:13:27,399 --> 01:13:29,960
and its buoyant reception. We need to focus on what

1645
01:13:30,000 --> 01:13:32,479
lies ahead. This can be tricky. We may not know

1646
01:13:32,520 --> 01:13:35,279
what lies ahead, and if the present hurts this badly,

1647
01:13:35,399 --> 01:13:38,760
we tend to view the future as impending pain. How

1648
01:13:38,800 --> 01:13:41,119
can this loss serve me? Where does this point my work?

1649
01:13:41,159 --> 01:13:43,279
Those are questions you need to ask yourself. The trick

1650
01:13:43,359 --> 01:13:47,520
is to metabolize pain as energy. If you're only willing

1651
01:13:47,560 --> 01:13:49,319
to look at your work differently or walk through a

1652
01:13:49,319 --> 01:13:53,520
different door. Yeah, so this is like, make sure you

1653
01:13:53,640 --> 01:13:56,920
know that every time you suffer a creative loss or

1654
01:13:56,960 --> 01:13:59,239
a loss in life like this goes you know. This

1655
01:13:59,359 --> 01:14:03,720
is sorry New York. It's sirens all the time. This

1656
01:14:03,920 --> 01:14:06,920
is a personal message and a creative message. Like when

1657
01:14:06,960 --> 01:14:09,079
you're in the shit and you can't see the other

1658
01:14:09,159 --> 01:14:13,199
side of it, just know that, Like, just trust the process.

1659
01:14:13,319 --> 01:14:16,640
The pain is important. The failures are teaching you something,

1660
01:14:17,359 --> 01:14:21,319
and you've got to just keep going. Whenever I've taken

1661
01:14:21,399 --> 01:14:24,039
no for a final answer, I've stalled, stalled and gotten stuck,

1662
01:14:24,439 --> 01:14:27,199
I've learned that the key to career resiliency is self

1663
01:14:27,199 --> 01:14:31,600
empowerment and choice. Also, it's really hard to hit a

1664
01:14:31,600 --> 01:14:33,520
moving target. So if you just keep going, even if

1665
01:14:33,560 --> 01:14:37,199
you fall down creatively and something happens that's not aligned

1666
01:14:37,239 --> 01:14:39,399
with the version of yourself that you wanted to kind

1667
01:14:39,439 --> 01:14:42,760
of get to creatively. Just like you know, a play

1668
01:14:42,840 --> 01:14:46,279
gets rejected, a piece of art gets reject whatever it is,

1669
01:14:46,319 --> 01:14:49,720
whatever the rejection or the sadness that you're experiencing as

1670
01:14:49,720 --> 01:14:52,079
an artist, it cannot hit a moving target. So you

1671
01:14:52,159 --> 01:14:53,960
just have to keep going. You just the next day,

1672
01:14:54,399 --> 01:14:57,760
even after you're in you know, an insurmountable amount of pain,

1673
01:14:57,840 --> 01:15:00,680
you just have to put pen to paper, write your

1674
01:15:00,720 --> 01:15:04,439
morning pages, do your artist dates, do just the little

1675
01:15:04,479 --> 01:15:06,600
things that are taking care of you and your inner artist,

1676
01:15:06,680 --> 01:15:09,560
and make sure that you just keep moving because you

1677
01:15:09,560 --> 01:15:11,640
can't hit a moving target. But if you slow down

1678
01:15:11,760 --> 01:15:14,119
enough and if you let kind of the grief and

1679
01:15:14,159 --> 01:15:18,920
the sadness take over, then it does become creative scar tissue. Okay,

1680
01:15:20,079 --> 01:15:23,159
don't let the bastards get you down. Honey, I'm gonna

1681
01:15:23,159 --> 01:15:25,199
get this fucking tattooed. Who wants to get tattoo? Should

1682
01:15:25,199 --> 01:15:31,520
we all get bestie tats? None illegitamay take car boorundum.

1683
01:15:32,680 --> 01:15:36,800
None illegitima tae carborundum. Don't let the bastards get you down.

1684
01:15:36,800 --> 01:15:38,439
That used to be on prisoner of war camps, that

1685
01:15:38,439 --> 01:15:42,199
should be on our fucking foreheads. Artists who take this

1686
01:15:42,199 --> 01:15:44,840
to heart survive and often prevail. The key here is action.

1687
01:15:45,079 --> 01:15:48,159
Pain that is not used profitably quickly solidifies into a

1688
01:15:48,199 --> 01:15:51,560
laden heart, which means any which makes any action difficult.

1689
01:15:51,840 --> 01:15:54,600
When faced with loss, immediately take one small action to

1690
01:15:54,640 --> 01:15:56,800
support your artist, even if you're doing all you're doing

1691
01:15:56,840 --> 01:15:58,560
is buying a bunch of tulips and a sketch pad.

1692
01:15:58,600 --> 01:16:01,079
Your action says I acknowledge you your pain. I promise

1693
01:16:01,119 --> 01:16:07,439
you a future worth having, age in time, product and process. Okay,

1694
01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:09,439
how many times have we all said I'm too old

1695
01:16:09,439 --> 01:16:11,520
to do that. I can't learn to act, I can't

1696
01:16:11,600 --> 01:16:13,920
learn to play the piano, I can't learn to do this.

1697
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:16,119
I can't I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm to this,

1698
01:16:16,239 --> 01:16:18,680
I'm too that, whatever the whatever it is. I'm too broke,

1699
01:16:18,720 --> 01:16:21,479
I don't have the money, I'm too enough. It's just

1700
01:16:21,520 --> 01:16:25,960
a block, all right, It's just a block. It's always

1701
01:16:26,119 --> 01:16:29,239
used to avoid facing fear. When you say I'm too old,

1702
01:16:29,279 --> 01:16:32,640
you're just afraid. That's it. Whatever you're afraid of I've

1703
01:16:32,640 --> 01:16:35,000
talked about this before. I fear is your compass. Go

1704
01:16:35,119 --> 01:16:37,840
towards it. Okay, I'm afraid of acting. I need to

1705
01:16:37,840 --> 01:16:40,319
get into some acting classes. I scheduled it for the

1706
01:16:40,359 --> 01:16:43,479
end of this month. All right, we are getting into

1707
01:16:44,159 --> 01:16:48,039
We are getting into motion here, babies. All right. The

1708
01:16:48,079 --> 01:16:49,920
thing is we don't want to look crazy and trying

1709
01:16:49,960 --> 01:16:52,840
something anything, whatever it is at our age, whatever that

1710
01:16:52,880 --> 01:16:57,520
age is, would look nuts. At the heart of anorexia

1711
01:16:57,680 --> 01:17:01,119
of artistic avoidance is the denial of process. So you

1712
01:17:01,159 --> 01:17:03,039
guys need to have a process too. You need to

1713
01:17:03,079 --> 01:17:07,039
put something into your daily routine where you are nurturing

1714
01:17:07,079 --> 01:17:09,479
your artist, whether it is writing one page of your

1715
01:17:09,479 --> 01:17:12,720
screenplay a day, picking up a paintbrush at least once

1716
01:17:12,800 --> 01:17:15,800
a day, whatever it is that you're on the journey,

1717
01:17:15,880 --> 01:17:18,439
just like a little chunk of time fifteen minutes, even

1718
01:17:18,439 --> 01:17:21,640
twenty minutes, because then it's like motion. It's a little

1719
01:17:21,680 --> 01:17:24,239
bit of motion, right, rather than just being like boo,

1720
01:17:24,359 --> 01:17:26,960
I have to write a whole screenplay in like two weeks.

1721
01:17:26,680 --> 01:17:30,159
That's just not that's not a reasonable way to approach

1722
01:17:30,239 --> 01:17:35,319
being creative all right. Fixated on the need to have

1723
01:17:35,399 --> 01:17:38,960
something to show for our labors, we often deny our curiosities.

1724
01:17:39,000 --> 01:17:41,199
Every time we do this, we are blocked to use

1725
01:17:41,239 --> 01:17:44,520
our age as a block to creative work interlocks with

1726
01:17:44,560 --> 01:17:47,840
our toxic finished product thinking we have set an appropriate

1727
01:17:47,840 --> 01:17:50,800
age uncertain activities like college graduation, going to med school,

1728
01:17:50,800 --> 01:17:54,000
writing the book first. This artificial ego requirement asks us

1729
01:17:54,039 --> 01:17:57,560
to be done when we truly when what we truly

1730
01:17:57,680 --> 01:18:00,920
yearn for is to start something. The grace to be

1731
01:18:01,000 --> 01:18:03,680
a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist.

1732
01:18:03,840 --> 01:18:08,119
The beginner's humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads

1733
01:18:08,159 --> 01:18:11,600
to accomplishment, and all of it begins at the beginning,

1734
01:18:11,640 --> 01:18:14,359
with the first small and scary step. So for this

1735
01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:16,640
I like to equate it to something like a workout class.

1736
01:18:16,640 --> 01:18:18,119
Like when you go to a plates class for the

1737
01:18:18,159 --> 01:18:20,479
first time, you're like, I have no idea what I'm doing,

1738
01:18:20,520 --> 01:18:24,439
Please help me. That is the attitude that gives you

1739
01:18:24,520 --> 01:18:27,199
the best results. I have no idea what I'm doing.

1740
01:18:27,239 --> 01:18:29,199
The second that you start to get cocky and you're like,

1741
01:18:29,239 --> 01:18:31,000
I've been here before, I know what the fuck, I'm doing.

1742
01:18:32,039 --> 01:18:35,479
That kind of attitude keeps you from growth. The beginner's

1743
01:18:35,520 --> 01:18:39,039
mentality is so important to artists to keep having an

1744
01:18:39,039 --> 01:18:41,960
open heart to everything you try, because you never know

1745
01:18:42,039 --> 01:18:46,079
what you might find. And then it talks about filling

1746
01:18:46,119 --> 01:18:50,760
in the form right. This is more of just most

1747
01:18:50,800 --> 01:18:53,479
of the time, the next right thing is something small,

1748
01:18:54,199 --> 01:18:56,479
washing your paint brushes, stopping by the art supply store,

1749
01:18:56,520 --> 01:18:58,800
getting your clay, checking on your local paper for acting

1750
01:18:58,840 --> 01:19:01,680
class black create like to think they're looking at changing

1751
01:19:01,680 --> 01:19:04,000
their whole life in one fell swoop. This form of

1752
01:19:04,039 --> 01:19:07,279
grandiosity is very often its own undoing. By setting the

1753
01:19:07,359 --> 01:19:09,600
jumps too high or making the price tag too great,

1754
01:19:09,800 --> 01:19:13,840
the recovering artist sets defeat in motion. Creative people are dramatic,

1755
01:19:13,920 --> 01:19:16,600
and we use negative drama to scare ourselves out of

1756
01:19:16,600 --> 01:19:20,520
our creativity. With this notion of wholesale and often destructive

1757
01:19:20,720 --> 01:19:24,199
change in a creative career, thinking about the odds is

1758
01:19:24,399 --> 01:19:26,640
a drink of emotional poison. It robs us of the

1759
01:19:26,680 --> 01:19:28,920
dignity of art as process and puts us at the

1760
01:19:28,960 --> 01:19:32,199
mercy of imagined powers out there. As a rule of thumb,

1761
01:19:32,239 --> 01:19:35,119
the odds are what we use to procrastinate about doing

1762
01:19:35,199 --> 01:19:38,039
what comes next. This is our addiction to anxiety in

1763
01:19:38,119 --> 01:19:40,840
lieu of action. Once you catch onto this, the jig

1764
01:19:40,880 --> 01:19:42,960
is up. Watch yourself for a week and notice the

1765
01:19:42,960 --> 01:19:44,840
way you will pick up an anxious thought, almost like

1766
01:19:44,880 --> 01:19:46,920
a joint, to blow off or at least delay your

1767
01:19:46,960 --> 01:19:50,960
next creative action. Most block creatives have an active addiction

1768
01:19:51,079 --> 01:19:55,479
to anxiety that I really really feel that we prefer

1769
01:19:55,560 --> 01:19:58,960
the low grade pain and occasional heart stopping panic attack

1770
01:19:59,039 --> 01:20:01,279
to the drudgery of small, in simple daily steps in

1771
01:20:01,319 --> 01:20:04,239
the right direction. What I'm saying is that work begets work.

1772
01:20:04,319 --> 01:20:07,279
Small actions lead us to larger movements in our creative life.

1773
01:20:07,680 --> 01:20:11,000
Instead of asking what yourself might do for to hone

1774
01:20:11,039 --> 01:20:13,279
your craft, fill the form what can you do right

1775
01:20:13,279 --> 01:20:16,119
now in your life that is currently constituted? Do that

1776
01:20:16,199 --> 01:20:18,920
thing one small daily action instead of indulging in the

1777
01:20:18,920 --> 01:20:21,479
big questions. When we allow ourselves to wallow in the

1778
01:20:21,520 --> 01:20:28,159
big questions, we fail to find the small answers. All right,

1779
01:20:28,239 --> 01:20:35,800
you guys, Recovering creatives commonly undergo bouts of fierce rage

1780
01:20:35,840 --> 01:20:40,800
and grief over the lost years. That is something that

1781
01:20:40,840 --> 01:20:43,279
I have experienced, you know, I'm just like, I've lost

1782
01:20:43,279 --> 01:20:45,920
so much time I could have been doing to stand

1783
01:20:46,000 --> 01:20:48,079
up for so much longer I had. You know, I

1784
01:20:48,119 --> 01:20:49,920
spent too much time in advertising when I knew I

1785
01:20:49,960 --> 01:20:52,880
didn't want to be in advertising. Uh huh, cut it out.

1786
01:20:53,079 --> 01:20:56,239
You're at where you're at right now. God's plan is perfect.

1787
01:20:56,520 --> 01:20:59,119
Wherever you are in the process right now is exactly

1788
01:20:59,119 --> 01:21:01,920
where you're supposed to be. Enjoy the ride, have some fun,

1789
01:21:02,039 --> 01:21:04,720
and take care of your inner artists our babies. They

1790
01:21:04,760 --> 01:21:05,159
love you.