Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, bestie. Is it is mother?
I am here in a beautiful day in New York City,
and I am joined by one of my friends who
you guys, we've had her on the pod before and
you loved her a lot, and I'm so excited that
she's back. Please enjoy this episode with my dear friend
Ali Colbert. Thanks for coming, Thanks for having me back.
I went to the doctor this morning, a doctor, a
Chinese doctor. Oh that's the cup, a Chinese medicine doctor.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wow, he gave me cupping. And he was just did
he give you that peace sign? The peace sign?
Speaker 2: Is that a tattoo? Oh, that's a tottoo you got
you got lasered.
Speaker 1: R it's a tattoo. I'm removing.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's right. It's the same purple of the cups.
Oh so I was confused.
Speaker 1: For a second.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: He was trying to be like, be more peaceful, because
I know I'm not peaceful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And You're like, well, this doesn't resonate with me anymore.
I should take this off my body. You're like, this
isn't landing. I don't feel peaceful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just a good tattoos. I feel like you're
getting into like a tattoo.
Speaker 2: And we're getting into a tattoo. I was gonna get
one last night because at my friend's birthday party there
was like a tattoo guy and I was waiting to
get one. And I had had like seven tequilas, so
it was like, this makes sense.
Speaker 1: Seven tequilas. That's kind of crazy for you.
Speaker 2: I've been like fucked up for like a year and
a half and I love that. Like drinking wise, like
I mean, I'm fine, but like I definitely have been drinking.
Like the part of me that doesn't drink is retired,
right right, Okay, Like I'm drinking.
Speaker 1: I remember you got into it last year, but I didn't.
I thought you got out of it for some reason.
Speaker 2: I go through periods. Yeah, but like like I'm so
summer in New York, Like it's just like so fun
to be drunk.
Speaker 1: And trust me, you're ready to reloud.
Speaker 2: No, I I know. I And also for some reason,
like tequila soda, I have less of a hangover than wine.
Speaker 1: M Yeah, my drink before I retired was Cosamigos blanco
on the rocks, three lines totally and no hangover.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful, right, I can have like twelve Yeah, I
was doing Costetragones light soda water lime, and like I
was just not getna hungover.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because soda waters water, so you're basically drinking water.
Speaker 2: Also basically water, and like if you're out for hours,
like it's like I'm hungover throughout the party. Do you
know what I mean by the time I wake up,
I was drunk two days ago, right, So I mean anyway,
there was a guy who was doing tattoos and I
was like, I'll get a tattoo, and then the line
just was way too long.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we should get a tattoo.
Speaker 2: I would love to.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get a tiny little tattoo. I'm gonna get
tiny tattoos. No more big ones I had, like some
big ones.
Speaker 2: I don't Yeah, I don't, wouldn't do that.
Speaker 1: No, I know these are like trashy.
Speaker 2: What is that one?
Speaker 1: The peacock?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I've never seen that.
Speaker 1: You've never seen the peacock.
Speaker 2: That's insane.
Speaker 1: Do you know what the story? Hangout have to show
everyone the peacock byther? Okay, there, what the fuck is that?
Why do you have that? Okay, thank you so much.
For your inquiry. I was in my like peak alcoholism.
I lived in Venice Beach on the boardwalk, okay, and
every time I would get hammered, I would go get
a tattoo. I got six of my twelve times.
Speaker 2: You don't have more tattoos. You were a huge drunk.
Speaker 1: I know I have a lot of tattoos that I've removed, okay,
but anyway, I would go get hammered and get tattoos.
But this I went on a date with this guy
at the sidewalk cafe and I didn't like him, and
I was like, thinking of boys. I was such a
people pleaser. I couldn't I couldn't just say hey, I'm
not enjoying this, you need to go home.
Speaker 2: You had to get a tattoo with him.
Speaker 1: No, listen, I was I made in my drunk brain.
I made it up and I was like, oh, this
is fool proof. I was like, oh my god, I
forgot I have a six hour tattoo appointment. I have
to go.
Speaker 3: Is that true? No?
Speaker 1: In my brain, I was like, I'm a genius. And
then I and I knew if I walked over to
the tattoo shop at House of Ink, those guys would
have my back because I did.
Speaker 2: Not have your back tattoos.
Speaker 1: Okay, no, but I was like I walked in, I
was like, remember my tattoo appointment for a really long
tattoo and they were like oh. The guy was like,
oh yeah, the peacock feather on your rib cage and
I was like yeah, and then I laid down for
a four and a half hour tattoo.
Speaker 2: But you, I thought it was I thought it was
an excuse to get out of the date.
Speaker 1: It was, but then he just came with me and then.
Speaker 2: You decided to actually get the tattoo.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, because it was right across the street from
the bar that we were already hat. So he's like,
I'll walk you over there, and he watched like did.
Speaker 2: You sleep with him? No? This is worse than this
is so brutal.
Speaker 1: It was horrible because I have now the trashiest tattoo.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've never seen that tattoo. It's so weird because
like I feel like I've seen you in like a
bikini and stuff. But no, yeah, no, are you gonna
get that removed? I can't because it's green and they
can't remove green ink. Why it would take like ten
times longer to remove, and this is so pain this
is crazy. And removing I can't remove green ink.
Speaker 1: It takes like twice as long, and oh it is
so painful. Removing tattoos is literally like I wish when
I was getting my tattoos someone made me feel how
painful it was to remove it first, because it's literally
like I'd rather have a going through my earth. I
have no idea. The laser is just really.
Speaker 2: Why don't they numb you like anything else, like a
face laser? Well, because it can.
Speaker 1: Numbing is always topical, right, it can only do so much.
Speaker 2: Wow, that sucks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so now I have this time.
Speaker 2: I mean, who cares?
Speaker 1: But like I know, the guy stayed the whole entire time. Yeah,
and then at the end of the night, I was like, okay,
now you have to go home, and he was like,
I'm too drunk to drive. I have to stay over.
Speaker 2: No, and he stayed in my bed with me, and
I was like, don't this. I would rather fuck this
guy than done anything you did. You had a platonic
sleepover and got a permanent tattoo. Just fuck him. At
this point, that would have taken less time and been
less painful and less damaging.
Speaker 1: And trust me, I know. I don't even remember the
guy's name. I just know I have He was like
a club promoter. It was a dark it was a
dark moment.
Speaker 2: It's not good, It's really bad.
Speaker 1: So anyway, wow is that wild? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Wild? I feel like once you get one tattoo, like
they all kind of like start to mean nothing, do
you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they just don't have to mean anything. The first
one I got was the one on my wrist, this
infinity symbol, and I got it. I was did you
get that removed? Because it's disgusting, and also I got.
Speaker 2: It infinity symbol. I was gonna maybe get it last.
Speaker 1: Night, great and get a small one.
Speaker 2: This one was like that, it's like the death eater
symbol from the dark.
Speaker 3: What is that?
Speaker 1: The dark mark the Dark? Like, no, it's so basically
it's my best friend at the time, I was moving
to LA and she was like, we have to get
tattoos to like symbolize like our friendship is forever. And
I was like totally. I went first, yeah and got this,
and then right when I was done, I was like, oh,
that was like way heavier and uglier. Than I thought
it was gonna be.
Speaker 2: But you don't see because they do a mark on
you first.
Speaker 1: I know. I just was kind of in the zone.
Speaker 2: Are you drunk? Yeah, in the zone, I mean drunk zone.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: And then I looked at it and I'm like, oh,
that's no good.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Did she get one too, Nope?
Speaker 1: She backed out afterwards. She was like, She's like, I
don't think I want that, and now we're not friends. Yeah.
So every time I get I'm getting it done. I'm
just like, god, I hate that bitch so much.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, are you still getting it like removed
or it's gone.
Speaker 1: No, it's not gone. It's kind of gone, but it's
not gone. Yeah, it needs like one more session.
Speaker 2: I was dating a girl and I got I tattooed
the word mine and my hammay to her ass.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 2: And she was like, now you get it, and I
was like no. I was like, we're not going to
be together. No, we obviously broke up.
Speaker 1: But how long after the tattoo did you break up?
Speaker 2: Maybe like six months?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: No, I Like, she was like, why don't you get it?
I was like, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 1: I just know.
Speaker 2: I know I got another excess name. Done with that.
I think I told you the story I got with that,
like ink that's meant to go away, yeah, which is
basically like my attachment style. Totally, this is gonna be
get them all.
Speaker 1: I'm all in right now, I'm.
Speaker 2: Fully in, right out. No, but like I got this tattoo,
and then I when we broke up, I started dating
someone new and I she was like, I can't like
come if I see that on your arm. And I
was like, okay, I'll go get it laser off. So
I went, and I'm like, you can't come because you're
a liar. So I went to to get it lasered off,
and they said that they can't laser that type of ink.
It sets it even more permanently. So it's like these
semi permanent tattoos end up being like the most permanent.
I mean it's mostly definitely gone. Now you could still
see this kind of a scar almost, Yeah, it looks
like a scar.
Speaker 1: Did you get a laser.
Speaker 3: Such that shion?
Speaker 2: No? Oh, they said you can't.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. That was like a trend for a minute,
and then everyone realized those tattoos were like actually permanent.
Speaker 2: No, they were permanent My sister got like four hideous
tattoos that will not go away. She has like a
lawn chair on her like side. It's really bad.
Speaker 1: I almost got a slice of pizza on my arm.
Speaker 2: That's awful. It's probably worse than the peacock. Why would
you get a slice of pizza?
Speaker 1: Well, because it was disappearing and I thought it was fun.
Speaker 2: But is that funny? It's not cute.
Speaker 1: It's nothing like a slice of pepperoni pizza. It's a
cool tattoo.
Speaker 2: No, it's not. Well, you didn't get it because it's
not ultimately like you're going to defend the tattoo you
didn't get as cool that you didn't get because it
wasn't cool.
Speaker 1: No, it is cool, and I wanted it.
Speaker 2: Why a pepperoni pizza?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Oh god, Brittany, these are really bad choices.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I need people. I need people to know
what's going on up here.
Speaker 2: Pizza. Yeah, you love that?
Speaker 1: Love?
Speaker 2: You love Italian food? I love yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my gosh, Okay, I'm gonna pull one of
these cards. Okay, I'm so excited. Really, when do you
feel most like yourself? No?
Speaker 2: Okay, that's so gay. You're right, Okay, hit us get.
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 4: Sorry, so all right, never mind, this game is not
going to be fun really because they're like cheesy and
they're cheesy. Yeah, well I knew that was going to
be the case.
Speaker 1: Thank you for being understanding of my blank.
Speaker 2: Mental illness is of me? Me saying thank you for
being understanding of my blank? Is that what it's saying?
Speaker 1: Thank you for being understanding?
Speaker 2: You would feel no, obviously, what would you say for me?
Speaker 1: Mental?
Speaker 2: Yeah? We have the same mental Yeah, mental illness.
Speaker 1: I really should I see you try. I feel like
we need to do couples.
Speaker 2: Okay, these are so fucking gay. I know, no, these
are awful. We can't do that. It's like, when how
do you celebrate stupid?
Speaker 1: Oh? This one? Have I ever betrayed your trust in
any big or small way?
Speaker 2: You haven't betrayed my trust. You've just made like slight,
small decisions that have confused me.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, tell me which ones I mean?
Speaker 2: I was just thinking about recently.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Speaker 2: I thought it was weird that I introduced you to
a really good friend of mine and then I found
out through him that you were like staying in his
house without telling me. Yeah, that was just more so,
I don't I didn't feel betrayed. I felt surprised, confused, confused.
I was just like, that's weird because we were talking
during that time and you failed to mention, yeah that
you stayed with it. But in my defense, which is
thank you for being there for mental in my defense.
Speaker 1: My defense, now I've been that no health fire, acid
bath of a breakup that I was in the middle of.
I think it would have been different in my defense
because I'm going to defend myself obviously.
Speaker 2: Okay, don't do that, Sure, defend yourself.
Speaker 1: I think it would have been way different if he
was there, don't you think.
Speaker 2: Well, if he was there and you didn't tell me,
that wouldn't have happened because I talked to him so
much that he would have like been I would have
spoken to him and I would have like seen you
in the background face like that would have been also
really weird, also very strange.
Speaker 1: That would that would have been insane, That would have
been you guys were fucking Yeah, that would have been
I'm not telling you.
Speaker 2: I would like you're telling me something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
I mean no, but I haven't felt betrayed by you. No,
have you feel betrayed by me? Betrayed is the trade
is a very word like we have ship like anyone else,
but like, no, not betrayed, like I don't feel but
trade is like backstabbing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, betrayed Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: It's like intent. It feels like malicious in a way
that like you and I I feel are more like
clumsy yeah, and are like oops oops or that hur oops.
Speaker 1: When I when I saw you were in LA and
I was like, can we hang out? Did you turn
your location off? I didn't respond to me.
Speaker 2: Is that I did that? I'm shutting my location right now.
I don't want anyone to have it. It's stressing me out.
Speaker 1: I get it, turn it off right. I feel like
you have to be able to be shady, like it's
very important.
Speaker 2: Really breaking my heart. But I can't just like be shisty.
Speaker 1: No, I told you, Apple came out with a feature
for you.
Speaker 2: So many people sent me that you can congrats, bitch.
I was like, it's because I'm too lean, I'm too
generous with my location. Okay, And by the way, I
did have it off for a while. That wasn't just
off for you. I did have it off because similarly,
I was going through a period I was being shady totally,
and then during those periods, I shut it and I say,
it's bad for my iPhone battery, bad for my and
I googled that it's integrity. It does, it does dream battery? Yes,
it does.
Speaker 1: It actually doesn't.
Speaker 2: I googled it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you gave me that excuse, I was like,
is she cast light?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: It does, No, it doesn't.
Speaker 2: Is sharing your location with a ton of friends bad
for your iPhone battery?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I told you. And why do people say that because
they're liars, Like, yeah, have grown drain. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I just like you really have to. But the other
thing is like you have to share your location with
people that like have no expectations of you. Yeah, I don't,
and then it's fun, But I don't really have any
expectations with you. Like, think about the text you sent
me two nights ago, Hey you're al assuming? Was I
know I'm not leaving my house assuming you're not? I
see you're out like something something that was full like yeah,
we both think not like I don't know, I don't
really feel like we're gonna get in trouble with each other.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I also like, I love people who cancel plans,
and there's no one that cancels plans more than you.
Speaker 2: No, it's not true.
Speaker 1: Oh it's so true. Really, I can always count on
you to cancel plan. Are you unfortunate? Because plans with
you are ones that usually look forward to?
Speaker 3: Wait?
Speaker 2: Are you serious? Do you think I cancel? Ali, I
didn't know that.
Speaker 1: It's your whole personality is not showing up? Is your whole?
Speaker 2: Are you serious?
Speaker 1: I'm dead? Seriously.
Speaker 2: Wait, I'm shocked.
Speaker 1: Are you actually yes? Do you have any idea who
you are?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: No, But I actually think more than I cancel plans.
I actually think that you like to make plans and
I don't. Okay, I like to just play everything by
your See, I don't identify as somebody who likes to
make You're always trying to make plans, and I'm always
like I can't plan.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm trying to just hang out.
Speaker 2: Okay, and maybe maybe I'm having a problem.
Speaker 1: I need like a little something on my calendar so
I don't yeat myself.
Speaker 2: No, I get that, But for some reason, when I.
Speaker 1: Can't kill myself, I'm having crossots with Alliott the more.
Speaker 2: Totally for some reason, plans sometimes I feel like like
take away from me planning how to yat myself, you
know what I mean? Like I sometimes I go quite
insular when I'm depressed, right, Like I actually my friend
was talking to me about this the other day where
he was like, when you're depressed, He's like, you like
refuse to like socialize, Yes, when it is one thing
that will help me, and I like really go quiet.
Speaker 1: It's so much. I really relate to that though, because
I had that moment like it was such a weird
time to move to New York when like the city
has never I thought, I'm gonna come to New York.
Everyone's miserably here. I'm gonna fit right in. Yeah, the
city has never been happier. The Knicks won the finals
and it was like raw and I was just inside,
like I fucking hate everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really hard to not be like medicated here. Yeah,
you want to self medicate?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and also I want to self We all want
to self medicate, I think. But then when we do,
we go do we have the edibles? And then you
we should talk about that. We need to talk about
should you start me all start, Okay, I'll start. So
we had these edibles. Yeah, they're two and a half milligrams.
Nothing to teach, nothing, nothing that doesn't even make me
skip a beat.
Speaker 2: Usually I take five milligram edibles all.
Speaker 1: The time, all the time. And you still feel nothing nothing?
Speaker 2: No, I feel high.
Speaker 1: Well, okay, fine, but like functional function all you. I
don't know what happened. They're called eating, They're called eating edibles.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we went to Sugarfish and I this.
Speaker 2: Is your welcome to New York dinner, your first Friday
night in New York.
Speaker 1: Yes, first you yelled at me for saying that Daniels
had made me cry outside of Sugarfish.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't yell you. Well, I was actually very nice.
Speaker 1: You came in pretty hot.
Speaker 2: Well, I was like, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 1: I was moments away from crying, like my life you did?
I know? No, I know, Okay. When you walked up
though it being the first thing you said, I was
just like.
Speaker 2: I can't, like you couldn't handle confrontations by a thread
right now? Yeah? Like, and I wish that thread was
a noose literally.
Speaker 1: But we sit down for dinner and we start having
a conversation and I'm like.
Speaker 2: Well, we take the Edibles. We took the Edibles and
because we just said took it.
Speaker 1: On an empty stomach.
Speaker 2: No, but just say we took the Edibles once before
and we got ripper and high. But it was but
it was fun. It was so cracking up.
Speaker 1: We were having the best time.
Speaker 2: We thought let's do it again because we weren't drinking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought, let's do another like rip roar and
fun night.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Okay, boy, oh boy, is that not what was in story.
That's not what happened. I am talking to you about
something that's important to me, and I see you start
to leave your.
Speaker 2: Body, like, yeah, I started to glaze.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you started to glaze. And then you also were like,
I'm trying so hard to pay attention to you right now,
but I can't. So you need to chill.
Speaker 2: I was starting to leave my body.
Speaker 1: And it's important to note ale so that you did
go to my psychic friend earlier that day, Drew McClean.
Speaker 2: That scared me as well.
Speaker 1: That's why you had the melt down. I don't know, Allie.
Do we need to play the tapes? No, because the
whole entire meltballe Well.
Speaker 2: I saw psychic and I was really like, it was
just a lot. It wasn't like a like it didn't
feel like he sugarcoat thing.
Speaker 1: He doesn't knowic thing.
Speaker 2: So that was a little bit upsetting, right, And I
was a little thrown by certain things, which I'm fine
with now. And then I started to get high, and
I started to get really paranoid. And I have truly
have been really high, maybe like hi to the point
that I'm like panicking, only really once maybe before that
I remember, And this was the worst high of my life.
And I mean I said, we have to leave the restaurant.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we did. We leave the restaurant, and you started
then immediately calling all of your family members because I
was not comforting because you were filming.
Speaker 2: Me, and I was I started to panic. I was walking,
I mean, we're blocks from my apartment. I had to
put it into maps. I like put my head between
my knees. I was like I was holding your arm
like this, Like I was like I'm gonna faint or something. Yeah,
I just needed to get home so that I can
like lie down. There was something very overwhelming about being
out in the world. And then I was like he
told me I was gonna have a fight with one
of my friends. I was like, replaying, what am I
gonna say? That's gonna make us fight? And I was
just like I felt really stuck. And while I was
panicking so much, I called my sisters, my parents, everyone. Yeah,
and you were right there and I was hysterical. Crime.
Speaker 1: You were hysterical yea. And you were just welcome to
New York.
Speaker 2: We're at It was really intense.
Speaker 1: It was a lot. And then I got a Sundays
oh yeah. And then we watched The Knicks with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I took a clonipin.
Speaker 1: Oh you did?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Sammy said I could because I was like
really anxious. I was like having a panic attack. Yeah,
I mean I was sobbing.
Speaker 1: Yeah. We also just wanted a clonipin.
Speaker 2: I also wanted that was really that was really scary.
That was not a fun high.
Speaker 1: No for you, It would have been fine for me
because I didn't.
Speaker 2: You were like, hey, I'm not high anymore.
Speaker 1: I was like, I like, and I gave right down.
Speaker 2: There's something else in those edibles. I think I must
have had like an allergy too. I know that my
mom was laughing at me saying an allergy, but like
I had some like hyper sensitive reaction. Clearly it wasn't
faking it. That was psycho of me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, that was That would have been crazy.
Speaker 2: That was like really really drama.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so high drama, high drama.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but wow it was Sugarfish good.
Speaker 1: Sugarfish is so good? I should we go get it
after this? Yeah, I'm hungry. Oh my god.
Speaker 2: See, Like, for example, that Sugarfish thing, is that a plan?
Because I told this girl i'd meet up with her?
What girl, I'm not going to say her name on
the podcast. A ryo girl. Oh like Sugarfish just now?
Speaker 1: Oh you and I Yeah, no, that's not a plan.
Speaker 2: Oh, because I'm then I'm like, then I understand why
you think I cancel plans.
Speaker 1: Are you saying that right when the camera stops, you're
gonna tell me you don't want to go to Sugarfish?
Speaker 2: No, it depends if depending on the time. So I'm
trying to hear this out on the air. Oh, I'm
trying to have a conversation with you now on the
air about is this happening in real time that I
make a plan and cancel it?
Speaker 1: But isn't this this is technically playing it by ear because.
Speaker 2: We're in Oh yeah, I'm fine with that, but I
didn't know my whole personality is canceling.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you cancel a lot, really a lot.
Speaker 2: And by the way, you just t in LA and
I shut my location and didn't answer. Yeah, that's criminal,
h that's violent.
Speaker 1: No, I know, I thought we were over. You did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you thought we were gonna did. I act like
nothing was wrong because I probably thought nothing was wrong.
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, I see your like, can we
hang out?
Speaker 2: I was probably there for twelve hours, and I was like,
I can't.
Speaker 1: You were doing some shady shit. You shut your location
off and you said nothing.
Speaker 2: Because I couldn't hang out.
Speaker 1: No, I know, but and I was just like it
was leave me alone, so upset.
Speaker 2: I can't. Like, if I could have would, I would
have texted you already.
Speaker 1: Growth is realizing that blank you.
Speaker 3: Don't like it.
Speaker 2: I mean that nothing matters, that we're gonna die. I
just like, you know, a part of me feels I
was thinking about this last night because I went on
a date with someone and then she's like followed up
with me a few times, and I haven't and I
was like, I don't really feel that I owe her
after one date like anything. And I was like, you know,
kind of letting myself off the hook, like why do
I owe someone something after one date?
Speaker 1: How many times did she follow up?
Speaker 2: She texted me twice in a row, replied, just story
and FaceTime me.
Speaker 1: Call the police.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying, though it's like too intense. I
gots like it's one day.
Speaker 1: It's only us that can be that crazy.
Speaker 2: No, but like we choose good marks. Yeah, because we're
being crazy for a reason. Mmmmm, it's with intent, don't
you think we're picking up on something Like I'm usually
crazy to someone who like, at least at some point
matches my crazy, right, and then it becomes intermittent, which
is what drives me crazy.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: I don't feel that I would just completely not read
the room and totally love bomb someone who doesn't meet
me at all? Do you?
Speaker 1: Of course I would?
Speaker 2: No, you wouldn't, No, you wouldn't. Yes, I have I
have what you've like, love bombed someone who's not interested
in you at all totally who or don't say? Who
would explain the scenario you already know? No, you didn't
love bomb him.
Speaker 1: Which one are you talking about?
Speaker 2: Who are you thinking of? No, I just all the
people that I'm thinking of that you've quote unquote love bombed.
Speaker 1: The one that I would psychoed to. And I kept
said him like.
Speaker 2: Well that's really bad. That was Oh my god, Okay,
that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was like a f
like that was like a one time thing. Though it's
not like a pattern. You would do that a lot.
Speaker 1: No, No, I'm.
Speaker 2: Just saying no, okay, that was very strange. That was
the fever.
Speaker 1: The fever, the fever. That was the fever.
Speaker 2: That was intense, not ever.
Speaker 1: I mean I have said news. It happened back to
back that people don't reply to.
Speaker 2: My No, I don't do that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to answer this question.
Speaker 2: Okay, I wouldn't do that. What is this book you're reading?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: The pivot here?
Speaker 2: Why are you reading that? What's the pivot here? Oh
my god, you're spilling water all over your thing.
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Speaker 2: Okay, okay, So the pivot here?
Speaker 1: Oh pivot?
Speaker 2: What's that?
Speaker 1: It's it's a book of meditations. Oops, I'm not a
camera for like every single day of a year that
you're trying to make change.
Speaker 2: You're trying to make change right now?
Speaker 1: Girl? What are you trying to change everything? I'm a mess, I.
Speaker 2: Know, but what what are you trying to change?
Speaker 1: Who I am? At my core?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, no, I want my career like my Uh day
fifty seven is the day I'm on.
Speaker 2: It's a meditation today?
Speaker 1: Uh huh? Okay, this one is If you have a
heart that's healing, what you need to remember is that
there's more to life than romantic love. There are equal joys,
There are other worthwhile pursuits. Even if romantic love is
an element of your life, it's not the only thing
life is about.
Speaker 2: It's true.
Speaker 1: It may be that the fabric of our society hinges
on you believing that matrimony and reproduction are the end
all be all, the highest high, the only thing truly
worth living for. It may be well intentioned people who
do not want you to experience what they themselves fear.
But romantic love does not excuse you from the inner work.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I have fallen to that a lot
of feeling that romantic love is the only thing worth
pursuing anything for. And my friend Max always says to me,
he says, like, thirty thirty thirty, it's like you have
to do romantic love your friend's work.
Speaker 1: Oh that's good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I I always put romantic love on a
pedestal because I grew up closeted.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I was just like longing. Yeah. Well, and
romantic love, when it's reciprocated, is the best drug for
us for shurets.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I don't.
Speaker 1: Think it's just for us. I think it's literally for everyone. Yeah,
falling in love is the best.
Speaker 2: Falling in love is amazing.
Speaker 1: And then figuring out who the fuck they actually are.
Speaker 2: Falling in love and that is great. Then getting to
know them.
Speaker 1: Sucks, figure out who they actually are.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Someone posted a really funny video on I Forget who
it was, where it was like, if you want someone
to fall in love with you and you go on
a date, just like, don't speak because they will just fantasize. Yeah,
and they don't speak, you fantasize. It's the best. It's
just like, stay quiet as long as possible.
Speaker 1: Oh god, the gift of silence. Yeah, I'll never know it.
Speaker 2: Spirituality is wanting to say something a not, says Michael Singer,
taking his podcast down a way different direction to that
The Untethered Soul.
Speaker 1: I love the Untoethered Soul. Did you ever read the
Surrender Experiment? No, it's also by him where he says
yes to everything for a year and he basically becomes
like a multi multi multimulator.
Speaker 2: That was him. Yeah really, Yeah, Oh I don't. I
don't know him in that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't. If your every problem and often a
rush to find it complicates our hearts the most the
pressure to be in a relationship creates a complex that
can bend your sense of self until connection feels futile.
Love exists in a myriad of ways, but the assumption
that this singular form of it will lift you up
above your human experience, sanitize your pain, and make the
rest of your days a fever dream is not only untrue.
Speaker 2: It'll be a fever dream. It'll be a fever dream.
If you let us drive, have anything to do with
I'm behind the wheel, It's a fucking fever dream.
Speaker 1: It'll be a fever dream. My whole last relationship with
a fever dream.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: It's placing the portal to your own inner piece within
the realm of someone else's commitment, rather than leading you
back to where it truly exists, in your own ability
to retrain your mind to perceive love at any given moment.
Our fantasies about other people are never really about how
someone else might give us their love. Instead, they mirror
our unawakened love back to us. They serve to show
us that we need to seek another human heart, but
that not that we need to seek another human heart,
but that we need to remember to nurture the one
we already have.
Speaker 2: Okay, I really want a shot of espresso?
Speaker 1: Fuck me up? Fam?
Speaker 2: Do you yeah?
Speaker 1: So bad?
Speaker 2: Do you have?
Speaker 1: I only have decaf? Oh that sucks. I like what
like the placebo effect? Would do it?
Speaker 2: You think?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Should we make Yeah? Can we pause?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Okay, where do you want to start?
Speaker 1: You pick your favor?
Speaker 2: What was my last breakup like for you?
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much for your inquiry. Oh the
hard really really hard, really hard to know someone was
bad the whole time and have it take so long
for you to realize. And also what was hard is
the worst it got in your relationship, the more quiet
you got in our friendship because you were trying to
protect her, protect her. I was, and so I understand
that obviously.
Speaker 2: But that's what people do in abusive relationship.
Speaker 1: In abusive relations they fully.
Speaker 2: Go quiet because they don't want to admit it, because
you can't walk it back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't walk it back.
Speaker 2: So like I do think people throw the word abuse.
I don't mean it in that way, of course, sure, yeah,
but abuse, I mean it was like people throw that
word around and I mean it.
Speaker 1: I'm not throwing it.
Speaker 2: I made it I'm saying my whole fucking yest.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was It was just tough. It was just
tough to see someone for who they were the whole
time and for you to not. Yeah, but it's like
I think we get blinded in love in that way, right.
Speaker 2: You know, love is blind, but the neighbors are not.
Speaker 1: And I love that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so real, I know, I know. Yeah, brutal,
just like.
Speaker 1: You have to get there on your own.
Speaker 2: It's hard, Like, it's so true. Yeah, there's not so
much you can do in situations like that.
Speaker 1: You can't because the options are like literally like get
in someone's face and be like this person's fucking horrible
for you.
Speaker 2: That does nothing.
Speaker 1: It fucks with our friendship. Yeah, and it's like, I
love you so much, I just don't want I don't
ever want that. So I'm just like, you gotta you
gotta let people fall flat on their fucking face.
Speaker 2: Yes, totally.
Speaker 1: And that's what people had to do with me too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just like people are gonna do what they're
gonna do. I remember a sorority sister of mine in
college was in the most toxic relationship on again, off again,
really brutal. To watch and I remember saying something to
her when they broke up, and I remember she just
looked at me. It was just like, it doesn't matter
what you say. It never will matter what you say.
I'm in love with him and I'm going to do
this for as long as I want. And I was like, yeah, yeah,
fair enough. And I've just felt that way. The hurt
him sens's and that's that's it. Like you can say
it once and then if they stay together and they
don't listen to your advice, you cannot say it again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you can, but it just it really
just drives a wedge in the friendship. Yeah, you know,
because it's like you love that person more than anyone
right now, including me. It's not even including your family.
It's just like.
Speaker 2: It's not even that you love them more. It's just
like that type of love. Yeah, is really like it
like w warps things. Yeah, because I don't feel that
that it's always like more. It's just like that's like
anchoring in a way that other relationships are not.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I guess like you're life.
Speaker 1: That's your partner, that's your partner. Yeah, it's like the
person that you like in envisional life with I think
that's the hardest part about that. It's like you are
building a life with someone and you don't really want
to hear from your friends or family that the person
you're building with is basura.
Speaker 2: What's that trash? Trash I speak Spanish. I just didn't
for some reason pick up on that, like linguistic flourish basa. Yeah,
that was tough. That was tough for everyone. It was
tough for you. It was tough for me too.
Speaker 1: It was tough for all of us.
Speaker 2: What's the best worst thing that's ever happened to you?
Speaker 1: My mom's suicide. Like that's intense, Yeah, but that's that's it.
It's like, on paper, that's a bad thing, but in
the ways it has affected my life, it's a really,
really great thing. It's like the most profound thing that's
upper had happened to me because I was able to Hey,
it's the reason I got sober. It's the reason I
like quit drinking, and that was that was gonna kill me.
Like I I don't remember, was I talking to you
or I was talking to someone the other day about
I was like, I didn't envision being here at thirty
seven and yeah, it was you right, yeah, And You're like,
where did you envision being? And I said dead deady
And I mean that with my whole heart. Like I
did not think I was going to make it past
thirty because of how hard I was partying, and I
don't know that I would have. I got sober when
I was twenty eight because that's when my mom died.
Speaker 2: And what about her death made you get sober? Was
it because she was a drunk?
Speaker 1: No, she wasn't. She wasn't a drunk. I drank at
her like my whole life. She was like, you're going
to be an alcoholic just like your father, And I'm like,
my dad fucking slaps, Like my dad's fucking cool, So
whatever he does, I'll do. So it was like it
almost became like an elaborate performance art piece to prove
to her that I could have the life that she
couldn't and still drink, do you know what I mean?
So like I was like, I have a big job,
I have this great husband, I have wonderful friends, I
have all this shit, and I drink like it's never
The drinking was never the problem. But then it was
like when I felt the drinking start to not be
as rewarding or fun. I never stopped because I was like, no,
I still have to prove this to her.
Speaker 2: But was she even around you?
Speaker 1: No. It was like some weird psychological hold that she
had on me. And we were estranged for six years.
But when she died, it was like I literally felt
relief was the first thing I felt.
Speaker 2: Relief.
Speaker 1: Relief was the first thing I felt, because it was yeah,
oh yeah, relief. I just was like the time. No,
we were strange for five or six years, and I
just was like, she was never going to find peace here.
She never had a day of happiness or joy, Like
she just didn't experience joy. She was so mentally ill.
And and then also she caused everyone else so much pain.
So I was relieved not only for myself but for
my family and for everyone that like you know, like
that cycle and yeah yeah, and and then the relief
of like, oh, I don't have to keep drinking at
this person. I don't have to keep killing myself to
prove a point to this person that's like not even
here anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean. So that
was that was the best worst thing that's ever happened
to me.
Speaker 2: Wow, what about you be well, I have a question though, Okay,
But being a strange from her for the six years
before she died, was that like no communication at all
or it was just like not anything meaningful to you.
Speaker 1: It was like she would send emails here and there.
I kept blocking her, and then she would like get
new email addresses and get new you know, different numbers
and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: But yeah, it was and she would reach out because
you'd block her and stuff. Yeah, she would find another
way to reach through the side door.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, she would reach out. And it's really sad
because like I've gone through those emails recently, and like,
because I was so hurt and tormented by her, I
couldn't see like the pain and the love and like
I couldn't see what she was actually saying. I saw
it through the lens of like somebody who had hurt
me so bad in the past trying to like reignite
and retrigger like my wounds. But like when I reread
the emails recently, I was just like, oh, this is
really fucking sad. It's just like a mom being like, oh,
you know, the weather's the weather sucks here, and I
want to go on vacation and I miss you and
I love you. She would say something yeah, and I
just wouldn't respond because I was like no, like she
did so much damage that I couldn't respond. But it
is really it's tricky. It's like when she died. So
I don't know if I ever told you this, but
I had like just a feeling. I just had a feeling.
It was a random Sunday and I had a feeling
that she did that something was wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.
Speaker 1: Had blocked her. And I don't know if you know this,
but if you block someone, they can still leave you
a voicemail. It just goes to a different folder. I
didn't know that, and I just had like a feeling.
I was like a folder blocked messages. Wait, do you
have any sure? I do? Have you blocked people?
Speaker 3: Of course?
Speaker 1: Of course, And of course where's the so go under voicemail,
go to the very bottom.
Speaker 2: Oh god, very sure. It's going to be from you know.
Speaker 1: Oh, you should delete some of those baby blocked fourteen.
Speaker 2: It's definitely from my ex.
Speaker 1: Wait who are these all from? I don't know you
have so many of them? M hm, do you know
what number that is?
Speaker 2: No? This is oh this Oh, this is this guy
from the no I don't know who this is. I
don't know who these people are.
Speaker 1: These people are, but they're all blocked.
Speaker 2: They must have been annoying. This person is in my phone?
Is block this fucking number? Sometimes I just blocked, like spam.
Oh okay, okay, never mind, not it's not tea. So
I had a feeling and I checked my blocked voicemail.
Why would they let you do that? Do what eave
a voicemail if you're blocked?
Speaker 1: I don't know what was the point. I'm glad they
did because I had one from my mom, okay, and
it was the first time. So basically she would leave
me a voicemail and she would be like, Hi, it's Mom,
Da da da da da, and I hope you're good,
and then she would like dive off into the deep
end of life. But these guys are like out to
get me, and like like she' her fucking psychosis would
kick in. But this voicemail was just nice. It was
just the first time she ever left me a nice
vossage ever. And I was still drinking at the time, obviously,
and Chris and I were going to brunch and I
started like hammering drinks and he was like, what is
going on?
Speaker 2: Was he a drunk too?
Speaker 1: Yeah? We drank together and then he got sober too.
He got sober a year after I did, like never
drank since. Wow, yeah, his life like completely.
Speaker 2: Is it rude to say a drunk should say alcoholic?
Is like a midget? Like like you know what.
Speaker 1: I mean, small person? You tried to make it worse
than No.
Speaker 2: Feels like derogatory to say drunk. I realized I should
feel like an alcoholic, Like are you like a person
with a drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic, but you can
call me She's a non drinking person.
Speaker 1: No drinking drunk. He's a non drinking drunk. Okay, wait,
so you get this male from my mom. Let me
see if I can find it. Yeah, why not? Huh?
Speaker 2: It's just intimate, is it? What's your life?
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I can find it. Let
me see.
Speaker 2: Last was the year that he remained and like actively
drinking and you are sober? A challenging one in the marriage. Very,
that sounds really difficult.
Speaker 1: Very, I'm going to tell you all about that in
one second. Okay, this is let me see. Yeah, because
I really So this is the voicemail where I knew
she was dead.
Speaker 2: Hi, Berdy's mom, I'm just calling to is Sue a
wonderful day.
Speaker 3: I hope everything is going well with you and Chris
and your wife and your job.
Speaker 1: And I'm glad you're so happy.
Speaker 3: Looks like I'll be heading out to California.
Speaker 1: Not your way, northern California. Don't worry, but anyway, this.
Speaker 4: One is gone.
Speaker 1: Have an awesome day and I'll be okay.
Speaker 3: Take care, bye bye.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: She wanted to tell you don't worry, not by you.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, that's heavy.
Speaker 1: So that was her story to everyone, was that she
was going to northern California. She always said that. She said,
she just said that to everyone when she wasn't. No,
she never she was closed to the basement to kill herself.
Speaker 5: Oh destination suicide.
Speaker 3: I'm sucking up. I'm sorry, Holy shit.
Speaker 1: Anyway, Okay, anyway, I got that voicemailed. I knew she
was that because she never left me a nice message
before in my life.
Speaker 2: And yeah, like, oh did she you think she knew that?
That was like a goodbye.
Speaker 1: It was like the day before she killed herself. She's
kind of doing her last rounds with everyone, like, yeah,
she was apparently.
Speaker 2: Never let me tell you whether California if I tell
you what, just know what that's fucking going for what's
going on today? Just thinking about a trip to northern California.
Speaker 1: Nor don't worry not about you.
Speaker 3: Don't.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's really you should talk do that
on stage.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Anyway, I was gonna say something. Oh,
so before her death, she was apparently so happy. And
I guess that's a phenomenon that happens to people when
they decide they're going to kill themselves.
Speaker 2: I've heard about that, and they're.
Speaker 1: Just like scoot tooting around ut.
Speaker 2: Likes it like releases you from something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the literal prison and pain of being on this earth,
I do think.
Speaker 2: I mean, I know we're going between like really funny
things and really dark things. So but I was I
don't know where this was in one of these like
spirituality podcasts where I'm trying to like find a semblance
of peace, but like someone was talking about how like
the discomfort of like being in like your human body
as like a symptom of knowing that like we're all
like one and like our spirit all of these things,
and like it is true that like it is like
relentlessly uncomfortable to be alive.
Speaker 1: It is and like and that's just what we have
to deal with. Yeah, I mean it's just a prison
of pain. Yeah, it's just.
Speaker 2: With moments, with interludes of just.
Speaker 1: Small just to fragments, just enough to get Yes, it's.
Speaker 2: It's just you just have to accept that it's uncomfortable
or or it's really going to be difficult.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, and it is difficult even when except like I
don't know what else to do. It's not like we're
not therapized or self aware all these things. It's just
like this is it, man.
Speaker 1: No, okay, but the whole purpose of us coming down
to earth is to like grow and evolve, and the
only way you do that is to experience pain. So well, well.
Speaker 2: I've been experiencing, well, I've been experiencing wait to talk
about tell me about the year when you are getting
sober and he's not because I can't even imagine what
that's like in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm really really I could.
Speaker 2: Actually, Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 1: Really really really hard because I'm going through like some
of the biggest upheaval and change of my life, and
he's partying harder than ever.
Speaker 2: Are you tempted to drink when he's doing that? No,
you're like very clear that you're no longer I was
very clear, Like you're clear that you're no longer drunk midget.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're no longer a drug bitche No. I was
very clear, and honestly, the way in which he.
Speaker 2: Is calling you guys drunks, it's so rudeal like he's
also drunk.
Speaker 1: He's also a drunk. You guys are both drunks anyways, losers. No,
I was so clear, and I became more clear the
more he drank, because he got so unattractive to me,
Like he would like come back from parties like not
it's not like falling over like blackout, taking his clothes off,
being like a fuck ma like literally, no, there's nothing
I want to do less And then he would like
throw his body on me and be like come on,
and I'm like, yeah, I'll call the police, like I
will actually, And.
Speaker 2: We often talk about how disgusting drunk behavior is.
Speaker 1: Drunk behavior is gross, and I it also gives me
like PTSD at this point because I'm like the fact
that I know I was that person in so many
people's lives and stories where I thought I was the
fucking shit. Yeah, and I was just like allowed drunk slut,
like it's very upsetic.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I mean, if there's anyone you to talk
to about, how off putting and at the same time
sort of sexually appealing drunk blonde woman ares me because
I have a very polarizing relationship with them. And they
are loud and entitled and difficult and make no sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the ones they drinking are weafy. It only
takes him a sip or two to start unraveling their families.
At least me, I was like a fucking I could drink,
like you can tell I'm a I'm a farm girl.
Speaker 3: I could.
Speaker 1: I could really handle it. But yeah, no, it's tough.
It was tough for christ and Night and I bleed
the face. I'm gonna start drinking again right now on
this podcast. It was tough for christ and I and
I told him I was like, I think you have
to like do a sober month because his whole ship
was like turned upside down, Like he hated his job
and then he lost his job, and then he was
like in a really dark place. And I was like,
I think you gotta like cut the sauce for like
a second. Yeah, I was like, just do sober October.
See how you feel.
Speaker 2: I didn't even know that was a thing.
Speaker 1: Sober October. It's a thing.
Speaker 2: You famous said to me once when I suggested my
ex do dry January. You were like, she's gonna reply,
let's actually do break up January.
Speaker 1: It's actually, let's actually break up.
Speaker 2: I have an idea. Break up Sober October.
Speaker 1: Okay, sober October. And he lost fifteen pounds in one month.
He started biking again, He like got himself back, and
I was so close to the end at that point,
like I literally with my therapist made a like timeline.
I was like, if he doesn't turn his shit around
by January, I'm out, Like I can't do this. And
then he did sober October. He turned his whole life around.
He got a huge job in January, and then we
stayed together for like another couple of years.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, until I realized it wasn't the alcohol.
Speaker 2: Right right, right, but still.
Speaker 1: But still, it was like his life changed dramatically, and
I'm so proud of him, Like he just stayed stayed sober. Yeah,
he's fucking crushing it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I I can't imagine how hard because for whatever reason
I can do, I can drink and do hard drugs,
and I, for whatever reason, I'm not an addict. Yeah,
and it's hard to not do, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like, Yeah, I'm so envious of you. I'm so envious
of anyone like and I have. You have a lot
of friends who are like that too, Well, not a lot,
but I feel like your friends are also like that,
where like they can drink and they're nobody's like a
drunk or a mess or a problem.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's it's so it has their own affliction.
Speaker 1: Well, we all have our own afflictions, but it's nice
to not be like the drunk, crying slob in the corner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, that's great. That's great. That's when I knew
I needed to stop drinking when crying a lot. No,
I was popping when I stopped popping pussy and started crying, well,
because I told myself popping pussy, popping pussy, what does
that mean? Popping pussy?
Speaker 2: Throwing it back meaning fucking yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, that used to be the only side effect.
But then my mom's funerals the last time I drank,
because I like made a package drunk at the funeral, Yeah,
hammered I, but I made a pack to myself beforehand.
I was like, you're not gonna get drunk tonight, Like
we're gonna have a few drinks, We're gonna be sick.
Mindicate it. And then I got fucking blackout. And then
I wound up the next morning. I was like with
a friend and my cousin in your movie, Yeah, I
woke up with like a friend and a cousin. I
was like, I wasn't that bad last night, And they're like,
you were literally crying on the bar for three hours,
and I was like, oh, I'm done. I didn't like
being told about my life, do you know what I mean?
I didn't like.
Speaker 2: That's very uncomfortable. That's a really uncomfortable level of drunk.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, I don't like this. Like that, there's
like a version of me that's out in the world,
just like operating and doing shit.
Speaker 2: That's terrifying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, knowing that.
Speaker 2: Level of being inebriated is really scary and it's also
so dangerous. Have you ever been that drunk, yes, okay,
I mean blackout yeah, like in college.
Speaker 1: Yeah, see you could probably.
Speaker 2: Like in college. I I had a night I remember,
I like didn't remember how I got home, just one night,
I'm sure, no there And then there was there was
one famous night in my household at least where I
was drinking on so much and started puking, and my
friend who I was with, called an ambulance to take
me to the hospital because that was like what you
did in college. And I by the time I got
to the hospital, I had like sobered up and I
just like left. Oh sorry, oh no, this was the story.
There's two separate nights. That night got me into a
program at NYU where I had to check in about
my alcohol intakes.
Speaker 1: Okay, good, good start.
Speaker 2: So I did that. And then there was one other
time I got so fucked up. I was doing a
lot of shots. It was I think my sophomore year
of college, and I went out with my friends to
jay Z's club, like the forty forty club, the fifty
fifty club something, and I gave her my bag and
in my bag with all of my things, my phone,
my wallet, whatever. I leave the club, I take a
taxi up town. I remember that I get out of
the taxi. I don't have money, and I just like ran.
I was standing outside my friends apartment who I left
at the club, buzzing to get in and to go
to sleep at her apartment. And then I found my
way into a diner. I fell asleep on the counter.
The diner called my dad and said, like, I guess
I drunkenly gave him his phone number. He drove in
from Connecticut. He was like, where are you. I was
like twenty second and second and the diner was like
sixty seven, relax, like it was like wrong. He drove in,
He picked me up. I went home. I woke up
in my childhood home. Okay, I was in college and
I woke up in my childhood bedroom. And I literally
have not gotten fucked up like that.
Speaker 1: Since your parents are so special. Your parents are so special,
the best. Like even the other night on the weed Gummy,
they were worried about you. I was thinking about it,
and part of me when I was like, I was like,
if I called my dad panicking about anything, he would
be like get a grip and hang.
Speaker 2: Up, like you think, but he's also there for you.
Speaker 1: He's there for me, not in that way. I don't
have anyone there for me in that way. Like it's
been very like you got to be a fucking soldier
out here, but like your family's so special. Like my dad,
if he would have gotten that call, he'd be like,
all right, she'll figure it out. Like there's no I
just love that they came and picked you up and
like made sure you were safe. That's so sweet and wonderful.
Speaker 2: It was amazing. It was very sweet. And I woke
up the next day and I remember they didn't even
say to me. They were like, we're putting you on
the train and go like get your stuff. They were
I think they had been so worried about me that
on top of it, they knew I wasn't gonna need
like a lecture, right. It was just the results were
so bad. The results are that it was just like
you can now clean it up, yeah, which I do
think that that is. I find that style of parenting
to be admirable. They're not perfect, but that was like
enough where I was like, okay, this is was really
bad enough. Yeah, I was really disoriented when I woke
up with that feeling is terrible.
Speaker 1: That's so crazy. That you only have like two of
those nights.
Speaker 2: Of such intense blackout.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I've woken up in different cities.
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Like I've gotten on planes and like flown to different
cities and forgot and then woke up.
Speaker 2: How do you go through tsa wasted like that?
Speaker 1: I'll show you.
Speaker 2: But where why? What is inspiring you to go get
on a plane when you're blacked out?
Speaker 5: Dick?
Speaker 1: Oh? Like I would go on a little adventure, like
a Sunday fun day would turn into now I'm in Cleveland.
Speaker 2: Really, They're like, get on a plane.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well they don't know. The guy I am talking
to doesn't know how fucking fucking wasted I am. So
they're just like, we'll send you a car, I'll send
you this, I'll do this, I'll do that whatever, and
a ticket. Yeah, and then I wake up in Cleveland.
Oh my god, that island.
Speaker 2: How many drinks is that that you're in that space?
Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing, Like I used to drink a
whole bottle before I went out of what it varied
throughout the years, but it starts. It's usually was rum
like Bacardi parent an entire bottle and then when I
was in college, I was drinking an entire bottle of Jamison.
Speaker 2: How do you not die?
Speaker 1: I should have.
Speaker 2: But by the way, why are you choosing the most
disgusting liquor Jameson Jamison.
Speaker 1: Jamison had like a real run in Milwaukee in the
in the early knots, in the tens. Whoa, it was
on a real run. It was on a humdinger when
you just drink it straight up. Yeah, just shot shot
shot shot shot.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, for me, like five shots.
Speaker 1: Is like yeah for any person usually.
Speaker 2: Like maybe severely fucked up. Last night, I had a
lot to drink, but it was over the course of many,
many hours. But it was again maybe five drink yeah yeah,
over the course of seven hours.
Speaker 1: Yeah see, I would probably see this is like the thing,
this is why I can't drink again, because the way
in which I drank would kill me.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like it I really I had no off switch.
And it was like I was the kind of person
where like when a waitress came to the table and
I still had most of my drink left to order
another one. Yeah, so that because I knew by the
time she got back, I would need another one. Also,
like working in the service industry. I was bartending, I
was or I was cocktailing and bartending, so I would
just rip shots all night long.
Speaker 2: And you were doing it. You were able to work
fucked up. Yeah, wow, that is really impressive to me.
I'd be like falling physically in a sleep.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I was. Yeah.
Speaker 2: How are you like you just built genetically then predisposed
to be capable alcoholic?
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think it's like in our family, it's in our blood.
Speaker 2: Like I would I don't, I could not. I'd be
like I can't speak.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No. See. The scariest thing about me and the
scariest thing about my dad, which you know and love him.
I got this from my dad, is we can both
be in a full blackout and be fully coherent.
Speaker 2: Yeah. That's really scary having.
Speaker 1: Like this kind of a conversation with you, and then
the next day I'll have no idea what was said,
or that we even saw each other, or that we spoke.
But there's no signs, there's no slurring, there's no like
flop sweat, there's nothing other than just chops. What flap
sweat is like when you know you get drunk and
you start to get like slimy.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's gross.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: My most impressive drinking friends. I I actually think they're like,
they drink so much. I would imagine they're gonna forget,
but then they remember everything, right, which is also weird. Yeah,
It's like, I'm like, how are you not blacked out?
You drink more than anything?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I could bacillate between that two. It
really depends where you caught me in my drinking career,
because early on that was me. I would drink so
much and I would remember everything. Yeah, and then the
later it got my brain started getting tools in it.
Speaker 2: Do you think because of your tolerance? This is a
dumb question, you just genuinely what you just keep drinking
more and more and more and more and more. Does
it always go like that or is there a certain point?
Speaker 1: It was more and more and more until I hit
the limit and then it started going down and then
I would have to drink less to get more fucked up.
And that's actually like one of the signs of like
later stage alcoholism, which is kind of scary because I
hit that in my twenties.
Speaker 2: What is that?
Speaker 1: So it's like it was like a lot, a lot,
a lot like high school college, it was like I
was drinking a whole bottle before I even went out,
and then when I went out, I was still drinking.
Like I was drinking so fucking much.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But then when I was in my twenties and was
still like drinking, it would take less to get me
drunk because it's like your body's trying to protect you.
It's like we know where we're going. We're gonna like
shut the fucking system down.
Speaker 2: Oh that is scary, you know when you say that, though,
I actually remember I drink so much my like junior
senior year of high school that by the time I
got to college, I was pretty burned out up for
my sophomore year. Yeah, Like I did most of my
heavy drinking my senior year of high school. I put
on so much weight then and then I lost it
in college. Yeah, because I was like totally drinking way
too much.
Speaker 1: Yeah school, Yeah, I drank the whole the whole time. Yeah,
and I just thought it was the hottest bitch. And
then if you see pictures of me in college, I
had like a beer.
Speaker 2: Belly, Like I was just like, yeah, but you have
always been hot. But yeah, I.
Speaker 1: Hear you I was tanning twice a day. I looked
like a fucking a pumpkin. Oh my gosh, what's the
best worst thing that's ever happened to you? Did you
answer that?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: I didn't answer it the best worst thing that's ever
happened to me. It's hard for me to not like
be first of all, it's really hard to answer that
after your answer, right, because it's but also so tragic
and traumatizing in a way that I'm like, oh my god,
you know what am I gonna say?
Speaker 5: But like.
Speaker 2: This is just like a theme of anything that you
go through that you feel is so utterly terrible that
ends up serving you in all of these ways. And like,
I just don't I mean, I don't know. I think
about that like Steve Jobs quote all the time where
he's like, you can only connect the dots retrospectively, And
it's true, it's just like every bad thing that happens
that I'm it's like everything in my life that I
cling onto so hard. The second I'm actually like authentically
able to let go of it, all the shit that
I would have like wanted in the first place comes in. Yeah,
you know, yeah, So for me, obvious like the thing
I'm thinking about is like, do you know this like
horrifying breakup right involved gaslighting and all these things that
was so painful.
Speaker 1: It was so painful, and.
Speaker 2: Then the after follows the best year of my life,
like all these things. But yeah, it's just really hard
when you're like in the middle of something to like
you can't see.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't see the what is it? Can't see
the trees through.
Speaker 2: The forest, something like that, something like that.
Speaker 1: Something like that. What assumptions do you think strangers make
about me based off my social media?
Speaker 2: You answer it for me?
Speaker 1: For you, Yeah, I think highly intellectual, very very funny.
Speaker 2: It's so nice.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think it's a nice answer.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought I was gonna be like rude.
Speaker 1: No, I was getting there, highly highly intellectual because from
you you're little your little threads, Yeah, those are always
so funny and smart. And then when you post your clips,
they're always so funny and smart.
Speaker 2: Oh thank you.
Speaker 1: But what people assume based off your social media is
that is that they think you're happy, and I know
you're not. No, I think they think you're dating your
best friend, right though.
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, I know that though they all reply, yeah.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, and I just wonder, as another one of
your close friends, why you never post me. I'm just kidding.
I actually don't care.
Speaker 2: Like I posted you a week ago.
Speaker 1: I was just kidding.
Speaker 2: You know, you're not or truth than just you do
wonder that?
Speaker 1: No, I actually don't.
Speaker 2: I do post like six people, yeah, three of which
are on heavy rotation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, okay. What do you think people think about
me based off my social media.
Speaker 2: Or disaster or yeah, or just because of the brain colors?
You wear a lot of bright colors. Probably, I think
that's why. But you also like you're so it's what
I also like love about you, and it's the same
reason people think you're a whore like you are so
like radically and honestly yourself. And it first of all,
it does a few things. One is it does what
it did to the start of our friendship, where it
makes people really intimidated by you and we like hated
each other at first, which is a fun story that
I don't know if we've talked about on here, but
you know, it's intimidating. But the other thing it does
is it gives people permission to just be themselves around you.
In a way that like I like really appreciate. Like
I have this relationship with my youngest sister, specifically Sammy,
where like I feel like I could say anything to
her that like usually should be dripping in shame, like
choices or my feelings about something, and we can laugh
about it. And I have that same sense with you
that like it's almost just you shine a light on
something that's like should be so dark about something, and
then it becomes really funny. Yeah, and it's very freeing.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I think that people maybe assume from they don't
it's actually that they don't get to feel. I think
like how like soft you are, right, and like big
hearted you are, because like you can be like very
like dark and promiscuous and like loud, like these things
that people are like, there's no way she's like she's
really sensitive. Yeah, and like you're not like a thoughtless person,
you know. And I think that just you're edging in
a way that people are like she's not thinking or something,
and it's not true.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think a lot of times people and I
don't know if this is based off my social media
are just my general demeanor. People are always like I
thought you were going to be such a bitch. Yeah,
Like I thought you were going to be such a
huge bitch. And I'm like, because I can be by
the way I can be, But that's not what That's
not how I lead.
Speaker 2: Also, just like cowt girls, I've talked about this in general,
just like people don't think cockgirls are gonna ever be nice, right,
it's not even nice. Nice is the wrong word. I
think that you're like big feeling and like you do
care about some people. Mm.
Speaker 1: So you want to borrow my nions. You want to
borrow my neans.
Speaker 2: Babe, I don't like you know, I just did my colors.
Speaker 1: You hate neons now, literally told me when you were
I was going to meet your friends here, You're like,
don't wear neons and look like a whore. I was like,
oh my god, is that what you think of me?
Speaker 2: No, But like neons are just first of all, it
was a shabbat.
Speaker 1: Totally, I've never wear you to a shabbat.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I'm just saying they pull focus in a
scary way sometimes.
Speaker 1: Also, this is what I'm going to say, This is
what I'm going to say to you. No, I love
that we're honest and.
Speaker 2: By the way, You've given me a full beauty makeover.
You sat me down, you told me my hair's too short.
I need to fix my nose, I need to fix
my lips. I need filler, I need botogs. Here, you
and I followed your step by step plan. I got
a tan, I lost like five pounds, and I've never
gotten more compounds in my life. Other people will not
listen to your programming in terms of your beauty plan
for them. I fucking did step by step.
Speaker 1: And you're and you've never been hot.
Speaker 2: You gave vehicle.
Speaker 1: Literally, I didn't tell you to lose weight, though you
did that on your own. Okay, the neon. This is
what I'm going to tell you, because it's there's a
method to my madness. So when I put my first
special out, how a Housewife, every single one of those
clips went viral, every single one, And I was in
a bright pink blazer. When I put Horning out, zero
of them went viral and I was in all black. Okay,
And then when I put the Don't Tell special out,
I was wearing a bright blue blazer and neon underneath
viral again, and so then I noticed a pattern, and
I was like when I wear bright collars and say
dark things, people.
Speaker 2: Are like, wow, okay, fine, it's almost like charactery. Yeah, yeah,
it's that's smart and I could see that.
Speaker 1: So then when I did it again with Don't Tell,
and I wore that neon and it went viral again. Okay,
so I think I have a formula. Yeah you do,
and I'm a whore. And also, okay, we're gonna cut
over to the Patreon Come join us. Okay, hi, honeys,
if you're going on the artist Way journey with me.
We are back this week after taking a week off
because I lost my book. This week is recovering a
sense of strength the week eight. This week tackles another
major creative block. Time. You will explore the ways in
which you have used your perception of time to preclude
taking creative risks. You will identify immediate and practical changes
you can make in your current life. You will excavate
the early conditioning that may have encouraged you to settle
for far less than you desire. Creatively, survival, one of
the most difficult tasks and an artist must face, is
a primal one, artistic survival. All artists must learn the
art of surviving loss, loss of hope, loss of face,
loss of money, loss of self belief. In addition to
our many gains, we inevitably suffer losses over our artistic career.
We have to acknowledge it and share it, right, because
when you lose something, when you make something and it
doesn't go the way you want or it doesn't get
as far as you want. You know, I've like written
pilots and I've done things and I've put them out
into the world and not so many copies sold, you know,
with my book, like not so many copies sold. I
have written pilots that I like, really deeply believe in
and they don't get bought. And I think it's important
to take time to mourn those losses because you are
pouring your soul out and you do hope that it
gets received well, and not everything does. And I think like,
in order to mourn those losses, you have to acknowledge them,
and in order to heal them, you have to share them.
So you have to share with someone that you trust
that's going to be a safe space for you during
this process about what it feels like to lose that.
And in the book, it's comparing this type of loss
to a miscarriage. Right, Like women, when we lose babies
or don't bring babies to term, we spend a great
deal of time mourning the loss of you know what,
what could have been. And this is similar with artistic
pursuits that don't go the way we want, or they
never see the light of day, or you make something
wonderful and it gets shelved. Like, we just need to
make sure that we are giving time and space to
properly mourn these things. True, just the disappointing reception of
a good piece of work, the inability to move across
into different mediums or a type of role due to
other people's expectations are artistic losses that must be mourned.
Perhaps the most damaging form of artistic loss has to
do with criticism. Okay, so this one's really big, right,
because we can get a piece of criticism that can
derail us for years. And I had this happen when
I first started doing comedy. My aunt told me, she said,
you know, if you keep going with this comedy thing,
it's really not going to be great for your position
in the family. I mean, I made a joke about
my grandma I like mocked her accent or something. She
was from Britain and I've made it, but it was
a funny joke, I was. What was it?
Speaker 3: It was?
Speaker 1: It's like, it's hard talking to your grandparents about dating
because it's changed so much since back in the day.
You know, I'm talking to my grandma on the phone.
She's like, ohould go to the movie? Did you go
to the movie or would you go to them? Do
you go to the movie and get a milkshake? And
I'm like, yeah, Grandma. Then afterwards we did the jitterbug,
and by jitterbug I mean anal That was the whole joke.
But my aunt told me basically if I kept doing comedy,
I would not have a place in the family. And
I was so hurt by that criticism that, like it
really put a damper on me and my steam to
go forward. So I think we can get criticism from
well meaning people, we can get criticism from fucking controls
on the internet, we can get criticism from all over
the place, and it can really fuck us up, you know.
So you just have to take time to mourn, mourn
the piece of you that was hurt and kind of
move on from that personal and nature nebulous as to specifics.
This criticism is like covert sexual harassment, a sullying yet
hard to quantify experience. The student emerges feeling shamed like
a bad artist or worse, like a fool. So we
just have to be we have to be very very
careful about who we're letting view our work, especially in
the beginning, who were opening it up to to criticize,
because even if it's subtle or just like people take
like little digs at you, they can build up and
they can start to feel really bad and then they
can kind of shut you down, and that'll kind of
turn into artistic scar tissue where you're not going to
be able to move forward. You're not going to be
able to create the next thing because you're going to
feel so bad about the first thing that you created
that you can't you can't move forward. And a lot
of times this will come from people in positions of power, right,
This will come from teachers. This will come from people
that are themselves creatively stuck and they don't want you
you to break out in a way that they never
were able to. So oftentimes, like if you're in school
for film or art, or advertising or anything whatever. You're
in school for a lot of times. You know, there's
that old saying, if you can't do teach, and while
I don't think it's always true, I think there there
is a lot of truth to it. There's a lot
of validity in that. You have to be really careful
making sure that you don't take teachers feedback too seriously,
because a lot of them are just people that wanted
to do the thing, and they couldn't get past kind
of their creative the creative not blocks, but the creative Gosh,
they couldn't get past I'm like having a fucking brain
aneurysm right now. They couldn't get past people like putting
them down and criticizing them, and so they kind of
shrunk into something smaller, which is, you know, a teacher
and somebody who can then kind of pass down that
sort of artistic trauma to the next victim, which ends
up being their students. So just be very careful for
people in power when you are pursuing a creative life,
because those are often people that are unable or unwilling
to expose themselves to the rigors and disappointments of creating themselves.
They alternately over control and undercut their best endeavors, seeking
vicariously to fulfill or justify their own position on the sidelines.
And here's what we need. All of us need encouragement.
I want to give you encouragement to create. You need
to be encouraged to create, like we all just need
to have each other's back in the creative process. As artists,
we are like little kids. We do need a lot
of love and care. And so just make sure you're
giving that to yourself. And if you can't give it
to yourself, find someone in your life who can be
there for you in that capacity. Don't become over the
cerebral that will cripple you. Artists and intellectuals are not
the same animals. Many gifted artists languish for years in
wake of such blows, Shamed at their supposed lack of
talent their grandiose dreams. The young artists may channel their
gifts into commercial endeavors and then forget their dreams of
doing more groundbreaking and risky work. They may work as
editors instead of writers, film editors instead of directors, commercial
artists instead of fine artists. In order to recover our
sense of hope and courage to create. We must acknowledge
and mourn the scars that are blocking us. Like the
career of any athlete, you guys were gonna get hurt,
all right. We're gonna have losses, We're gonna have injuries.
We are going to look back on our creative careers
and be like, ooh, I you know, that wasn't my best.
That wasn't my best, that wasn't my best work. The
trick is to survive them, to learn how to let
yourself heal. No inventory of our artistic injuries would be
complete without acknowledging those wounds that are self inflicted. Here's
the other thing. Sometimes gain is disguised as loss. Right,
every loss must always be viewed as a potential gain.
It's all in the framing. Every end is a beginning.
We know that, but we tend to forget that as
we move through grief. I don't relate to anything more
than this sentence in this chapter. I am in such
a state of personal grief right now that I can't
understand what it's all for. But I know intellectually, because
I've been through so much pain in my life before,
that something great is on the other side of this.
Struck by a loss, we focus understandably on what we
leave behind, the lost stream of the work, successful fruition,
and its buoyant reception. We need to focus on what
lies ahead. This can be tricky. We may not know
what lies ahead, and if the present hurts this badly,
we tend to view the future as impending pain. How
can this loss serve me? Where does this point my work?
Those are questions you need to ask yourself. The trick
is to metabolize pain as energy. If you're only willing
to look at your work differently or walk through a
different door. Yeah, so this is like, make sure you
know that every time you suffer a creative loss or
a loss in life like this goes you know. This
is sorry New York. It's sirens all the time. This
is a personal message and a creative message. Like when
you're in the shit and you can't see the other
side of it, just know that, Like, just trust the process.
The pain is important. The failures are teaching you something,
and you've got to just keep going. Whenever I've taken
no for a final answer, I've stalled, stalled and gotten stuck,
I've learned that the key to career resiliency is self
empowerment and choice. Also, it's really hard to hit a
moving target. So if you just keep going, even if
you fall down creatively and something happens that's not aligned
with the version of yourself that you wanted to kind
of get to creatively. Just like you know, a play
gets rejected, a piece of art gets reject whatever it is,
whatever the rejection or the sadness that you're experiencing as
an artist, it cannot hit a moving target. So you
just have to keep going. You just the next day,
even after you're in you know, an insurmountable amount of pain,
you just have to put pen to paper, write your
morning pages, do your artist dates, do just the little
things that are taking care of you and your inner artist,
and make sure that you just keep moving because you
can't hit a moving target. But if you slow down
enough and if you let kind of the grief and
the sadness take over, then it does become creative scar tissue. Okay,
don't let the bastards get you down. Honey, I'm gonna
get this fucking tattooed. Who wants to get tattoo? Should
we all get bestie tats? None illegitamay take car boorundum.
None illegitima tae carborundum. Don't let the bastards get you down.
That used to be on prisoner of war camps, that
should be on our fucking foreheads. Artists who take this
to heart survive and often prevail. The key here is action.
Pain that is not used profitably quickly solidifies into a
laden heart, which means any which makes any action difficult.
When faced with loss, immediately take one small action to
support your artist, even if you're doing all you're doing
is buying a bunch of tulips and a sketch pad.
Your action says I acknowledge you your pain. I promise
you a future worth having, age in time, product and process. Okay,
how many times have we all said I'm too old
to do that. I can't learn to act, I can't
learn to play the piano, I can't learn to do this.
I can't I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm to this,
I'm too that, whatever the whatever it is. I'm too broke,
I don't have the money, I'm too enough. It's just
a block, all right, It's just a block. It's always
used to avoid facing fear. When you say I'm too old,
you're just afraid. That's it. Whatever you're afraid of I've
talked about this before. I fear is your compass. Go
towards it. Okay, I'm afraid of acting. I need to
get into some acting classes. I scheduled it for the
end of this month. All right, we are getting into
We are getting into motion here, babies. All right. The
thing is we don't want to look crazy and trying
something anything, whatever it is at our age, whatever that
age is, would look nuts. At the heart of anorexia
of artistic avoidance is the denial of process. So you
guys need to have a process too. You need to
put something into your daily routine where you are nurturing
your artist, whether it is writing one page of your
screenplay a day, picking up a paintbrush at least once
a day, whatever it is that you're on the journey,
just like a little chunk of time fifteen minutes, even
twenty minutes, because then it's like motion. It's a little
bit of motion, right, rather than just being like boo,
I have to write a whole screenplay in like two weeks.
That's just not that's not a reasonable way to approach
being creative all right. Fixated on the need to have
something to show for our labors, we often deny our curiosities.
Every time we do this, we are blocked to use
our age as a block to creative work interlocks with
our toxic finished product thinking we have set an appropriate
age uncertain activities like college graduation, going to med school,
writing the book first. This artificial ego requirement asks us
to be done when we truly when what we truly
yearn for is to start something. The grace to be
a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist.
The beginner's humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads
to accomplishment, and all of it begins at the beginning,
with the first small and scary step. So for this
I like to equate it to something like a workout class.
Like when you go to a plates class for the
first time, you're like, I have no idea what I'm doing,
Please help me. That is the attitude that gives you
the best results. I have no idea what I'm doing.
The second that you start to get cocky and you're like,
I've been here before, I know what the fuck, I'm doing.
That kind of attitude keeps you from growth. The beginner's
mentality is so important to artists to keep having an
open heart to everything you try, because you never know
what you might find. And then it talks about filling
in the form right. This is more of just most
of the time, the next right thing is something small,
washing your paint brushes, stopping by the art supply store,
getting your clay, checking on your local paper for acting
class black create like to think they're looking at changing
their whole life in one fell swoop. This form of
grandiosity is very often its own undoing. By setting the
jumps too high or making the price tag too great,
the recovering artist sets defeat in motion. Creative people are dramatic,
and we use negative drama to scare ourselves out of
our creativity. With this notion of wholesale and often destructive
change in a creative career, thinking about the odds is
a drink of emotional poison. It robs us of the
dignity of art as process and puts us at the
mercy of imagined powers out there. As a rule of thumb,
the odds are what we use to procrastinate about doing
what comes next. This is our addiction to anxiety in
lieu of action. Once you catch onto this, the jig
is up. Watch yourself for a week and notice the
way you will pick up an anxious thought, almost like
a joint, to blow off or at least delay your
next creative action. Most block creatives have an active addiction
to anxiety that I really really feel that we prefer
the low grade pain and occasional heart stopping panic attack
to the drudgery of small, in simple daily steps in
the right direction. What I'm saying is that work begets work.
Small actions lead us to larger movements in our creative life.
Instead of asking what yourself might do for to hone
your craft, fill the form what can you do right
now in your life that is currently constituted? Do that
thing one small daily action instead of indulging in the
big questions. When we allow ourselves to wallow in the
big questions, we fail to find the small answers. All right,
you guys, Recovering creatives commonly undergo bouts of fierce rage
and grief over the lost years. That is something that
I have experienced, you know, I'm just like, I've lost
so much time I could have been doing to stand
up for so much longer I had. You know, I
spent too much time in advertising when I knew I
didn't want to be in advertising. Uh huh, cut it out.
You're at where you're at right now. God's plan is perfect.
Wherever you are in the process right now is exactly
where you're supposed to be. Enjoy the ride, have some fun,
and take care of your inner artists our babies. They
love you.