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Speaker 1: The best way to support this podcast is by going

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to patreon dot com slash Softcore History, where for five

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dollars a month you will get eight extra episodes per month,

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plus an entire three year evergreen back catalog of content,

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including shows like this game, shows, original sketches, and so

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much more. Check it out today at patreon dot com

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and leave a review on Apple and Spotify. It helps

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us move up the charts and we appreciate it a lot.

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Today we are talking about when men used to be men,

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and this time we kind of mean it. You always

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hear about how, you know, everyone in the past was

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harder than we are now, and that has been a

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narrative throughout all of history. It's a narrative now, or

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it is a narrative one hundred years ago, to the

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narrative five hundred years ago. In fact, it was even

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a narrative in ancient Rome. But now today we are

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going back to a time when, boy, that might have

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been accurate, because we are talking about the very very

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first hero of the Roman Republic and what he did

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in five oh eight BC is frigging bananas.

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Speaker 2: Listen up, Welcome to softcore History.

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Speaker 1: What is up? Welcome back to softcore History. I am

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your host for the week, Rob Fox, joined as always

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by Dan Regester and our very special guest, Scott Lopez.

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Speaker 3: Very special indeed, thank you guys for having me. It's

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always fun. Honored, love to.

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Speaker 1: Have you here. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I feel good. I look good. I'm punchowed up great, Yeah,

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big paunch, I'm poncho, got the Puka shows on it.

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Speaker 2: I'm punked up. You're always the best dressed guest. We

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have pooched up, oh by far.

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Speaker 1: And I like the Mexican version of a pancho because

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it's useless in rain. Yeah, it's really I don't know

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what its use is other than just.

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Speaker 3: This thing would just weigh a lot. It'd be super

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heavy in the rain. It's alpaca. I don't know why

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that's a thing. It's just a tunic because also isn't comfy.

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It's very itchy. This thing sucks. I hate wearing it.

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It's terrible. It provides nothing good for me.

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Speaker 2: He's married to the bit.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it provides a bit. It looks good, that's it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and the old pack has died for it.

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Speaker 1: I want to tell you what my wife just texted

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me before we went on air. This has been a

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developing situation for about a week and I just couldn't

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be prouder of my oldest and I'm gonna share it

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with you guys now. Yeah, he thinks poop is funny awesome.

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Every night this week he has been, he has said

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to following me dad at because he usually will be like, Dada,

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will you tell me a story before bed, like after

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reading books whatever. I'm like, oh, okay, sure. He used

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to be like, tell me a story about a tiger

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that goes to the store or something stupid, like that

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elephant that goes to the player round. So this week, finally,

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for whatever reason, he was like Dada, he thought it

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was really funny. He's like, Dada, tell me the story

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about a poop at a peep And he's like, like

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the funniest thing. So I'm like, okay, all right, I'll

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tell the story. And he's like, poop at pee goes

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school and I'm like okay, okay, and he's like dying,

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And so I told him like, so poop and a

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pee went to school and the teacher was like, oh,

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what's your name? And and then I'm like, and then

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the poop said, my name's Poop. And then the teacher

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said get out of here, and he fucking like is

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literally crying laughing in the bed, much to the chagrin

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of my wife, who does not want to tell ship

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stories to my fucking toddler. So tonight, as she's putting

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both kids down, she goes, she goes, she just texted me,

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She goes. Rory asked her a story about a gross

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poop and a yuckie pee, and I assumed he was

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just laughing.

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Speaker 2: She didn't oblige.

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Speaker 1: She did not oblige. She was like, I'll be right back,

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and then just left and never came back.

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Speaker 2: Wow. I don't ever want to tell somebody how to

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be a parent, But Courtney, you're letting your child down.

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Speaker 1: Tell that child a story about shit.

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Speaker 2: Make something up. You're supposed to be creative too.

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Speaker 1: I know it's not hard.

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Speaker 2: I mean that dream died a long long time ago.

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Speaker 1: And died for all of us. What are we doing here?

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Speaker 3: There's a there's a picture of me from my time

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in Korea and the barracks, naked on the toilet because

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I was drunk and walked outside, uh, naked but I

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kept like fighting all my friends like to get off

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of me, get off of me, because I had like

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poop and I was like going to take a poop

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and then I fell asleep on the toilet. And there's

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a picture of my buddy like pulling me like forward

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and then checking the toe to see if I.

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Speaker 2: Shit, to like carry me to bed, like is he done?

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I'm just naked on the toilet. He's just like looking

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in the toilet to see if I and I didn't.

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They're like, fuck, could you just drag him to bed?

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And yeah, also Rob, I'm still my prime, all right?

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World's Strongest Man those competitions, Yeah, they're usually late thirties,

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early forties.

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Speaker 1: Who said you weren't your prime? Where'd that come from?

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Speaker 2: You said? Uh, that time would be a star past us?

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Oh yeah, yeah yeah I don't think so. Okay, I

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judged they high school lifting competition this weekend.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, how that? Who?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? It was very humbling.

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Speaker 1: They crush you.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot of fat, hispanic, chubby, just strong men.

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Speaker 1: Real but real strong men don't they're not ripped.

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Speaker 2: Uh. Well, the strongest kid there was, Oh he was

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like he stunted on everybody okay, but uh yeah, no,

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some impressive stuff for high schoolers. We had kids squatting.

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I think the most they squatt was five ninety five.

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God dang pretty good. Yeah yeah, can I squad five

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to ninety five?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 2: Could I ever squat five to ninety five?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 1: You were talking before like you were gonna like be

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better than all these kids.

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Speaker 2: Oh surprise, although kind of kind of cheaters, like numbers

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a little juiced. They're all wearing, especially for bench. They're

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wearing the bench and shirts. Was that kind of everything

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gets pressed and it's kind of like a slingshot. Oh okay,

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So like if I wore one of those, I could

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easily bench over three fifteen.

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Speaker 3: You don't have to go down as far essentially.

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Speaker 2: You do, and I like so I had to instruct them,

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like you have to keep it on your chest to press. Yeah,

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but it keeps everything nice and.

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Speaker 1: Tight for you.

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Speaker 2: So like the you don't really have to worry about form,

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and like you don't have to worry about what something

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going out. It's kind of it's just like I said,

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a slingshot, just it helps you. But yeah, these kids, uh,

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some of the kids were benching, like I think max

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bench was like four hundred pounds. That's crazy, like four

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or five. I was embarrassed.

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Speaker 3: Like a week ago, I have a bench in my

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garage like with like one thirty five on it. I

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barely did ten. And I was like, that is sad, but.

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Speaker 2: That their best numbers were I couldn't believe it. I

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was very lenient though. Some of these kids didn't go,

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you know, full range of motion.

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Speaker 3: But I never went full range of motion in high

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school lifting. I never went all the way down. I

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had no idea they got that counted.

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Speaker 2: They had their fucking wrist bands, arm bands, they were

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just geared up. I also wanted to test them. I

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wanted I want to get.

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Speaker 3: Some p they're weightlifting LARPers.

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Speaker 2: Dude, No, I respect these kids. These kids are cool,

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they're all it's all the ghetto schools too, because I

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went to, uh, you know, a a low economic high school.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Was this through your teacher friend?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's through shehay. She teaches at this like really

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poor Hispanic school that like I think already three kids

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have died this year at school of murder. Yeah, of

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like stab ins or shootings. But these kids are disciplined.

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They have the coaches are cool. It was kind of

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like a Coach Carter situation.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you're gonna lift your way out of here, your

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way out.

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Speaker 2: Of poverty, and it starts with yourself. Yeah, but I've

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seen the appeal now. So Georgia has been coaching Texas

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club wrestling for like three years UT. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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I don't think he gets paid. I hope he does

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soon for.

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Speaker 1: Club sport, not much if he gets You would think,

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by the way, that UT would not have a club

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team since there's such an Olympic powerhouse.

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Speaker 2: Wrestling though, is not a big say.

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Speaker 1: In fact, when Missouri joined the SEC, we had to

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join a different conference for wrestling because we have a

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good wrestling program, which Georgia wrestled at Missouri. We had

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to join the MAC I believe.

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Speaker 2: Actually max powerhouse for wrestling. Yeah, it's not quite the

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Big ten though, you know Big tens. Those are the

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big boys for wrestling.

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Speaker 1: Big twelve used to be good at wrestling.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because of Missoo, uh not just Miszoo.

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Speaker 1: I would stay. I was in probably the camp. Actually,

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I think o U was solid wrestling as well.

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Speaker 2: I haven't kept up with my high school wrestling and

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college wrestling knowledge.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Miszoo had been askern and.

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Speaker 2: But my whole point is I see the appeal of

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being a youth coach. It's kind of addictive. I was

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a referee, but I was I was coaching these kids up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, helping kids is fun. Being part of kid's license fun.

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Why having kids as sweet? I see the appeal, rob Yeah,

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although it gets them one pregnant.

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Speaker 2: Your kid's gonna let you down. The good thing about

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the somebody that's like not your child. If you fail,

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you don't feel as bad.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you can eject.

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Speaker 2: You can easily eject.

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Speaker 3: You can have your kids join up my youth paintball

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team that I help own and coach.

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Speaker 2: Hey, they's got second place yesterday. That's why I helped

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my friend Shay out with her kid who's nine. Now,

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he's really good at soccer, but because you know, she's

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a teacher and a single mom, she doesn't really have

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the funding to send them to all these camps and

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all these different leagues. So he plays like once a year.

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But he's like a stud.

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Speaker 1: Gotta get him.

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Speaker 2: It's just nat really good at it.

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Speaker 1: You got to get him in something I know well,

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and he's.

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Speaker 2: Gonna be I'm gonna lift him out of poverty.

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Speaker 1: So you're gonna make him a real man.

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Speaker 2: He's like Michael war and here's Sandra.

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Speaker 1: Blindside. You're gonna make him a real man. And that's

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what we're talking about today.

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Speaker 2: Hell yeah, I know it's your favorite campaign, real man

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a geene. Yeah, I thought that was a great campaign

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back then.

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Speaker 1: It's fine back when America was here.

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Speaker 2: I hope we get those back. Well, that's a sign.

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That's a sign that.

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Speaker 1: We're real mana genius, we're here. Yeah. So today we're

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talking about it's similar to an episode that did recently. Uh.

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The ancient Romans much like us today.

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Speaker 2: Uh.

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Speaker 1: And also everyone ever in the history of Earth always

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talked about how how men used to be men. Yeah,

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man used to be everyone of love today no matter

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what today is, whether it's now or two hundred BC

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or fifteen hundred AD, we're all pussies now. We used

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to be hard, yeah, Or.

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Speaker 2: You rip the ladder up and you're like in my

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day we were. We were the real fucking gangsters. We

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were the fucking g's. We're the fucking alphas.

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Speaker 1: You don't do it like we do it.

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Speaker 2: It's every sport too, like uh, Chuck Shack. You know,

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they're on their TNT show rip, but they're just talking

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about how soft the NBA is now and how bad

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the NBA is now. It's like our league. You could

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close line a guy. Yeah, used to fuck.

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Speaker 1: Dude's up. Everyone's a pussy now, And that was I.

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Speaker 2: Kind of look at us right now, we're currently podcasting

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talking about better men, talking about better men, but also

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popping zen pouches.

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Speaker 3: All of us have, like men, do you you lower

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deck it? That's strange, that's the only way. Now do

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you go upper deck? Yeah? Every time it's right, feel like.

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Speaker 1: I would swallow it on accent every time.

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Speaker 2: I go lower deck because, uh, when I used to

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dip and high school, like you know, long cut skull, straight,

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no big deal, you know, because if you did anything else,

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you were a pussy. Copenhagen straight though. Yeah, not school, dude,

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you get what's available to you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, high school, Yeah, it was.

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Speaker 2: It was the Northeast thing. School was I think king

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back then. Copenhagen, it was a little. I think that

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was a I think it's a regional thing.

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Speaker 1: So even part of Augustus Caesar's lifetime of propaganda was

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a he was a good, humble, masculine Rome lived like

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Romans used to live well, Roman men used to live

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in stuff like that. Uh, presumably he was thinking about

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men like Skippio Africanus, right, one of the guy who

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won the Punic Wars. Yeah, the episode you did. But

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even during the Punic Wars, if you'll remember, the Romans

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were like, this wouldn't be a problem. The carthag Jenans

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would be a problem if we weren't all such bitches nowadays.

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Not like the old dudes, the old heads who founded Rome.

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They were hard as fuck. Yeah, we're pussies, even though

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we just won one of the most important We're pussies, dude.

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Speaker 3: Very progressive to acknowledge the fact that they're pussies.

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Speaker 1: It's just eternal bullshit, you know what I mean. It's

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what people always say, it's what people always do.

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Speaker 2: Well, brother, you are what you eat and buddy do

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I lunch Box if you ever go through the TFM Marcus,

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it's one of the better columns ever wrote.

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Speaker 3: Is it just called munch and box, called munch more box.

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Speaker 1: Hell?

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Speaker 2: Hell, it's a propaganda piece to go down on ladies.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure everyone loved it time.

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Speaker 2: It's a great time, especially when you have a mediocre dick.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you gotta make up for it somehow, and you

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get her off a couple of times. It's the easiest

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way to do it. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Also zero pressure, less effort, Like.

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Speaker 3: I already got you a couple of times, so I'm

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not getting sweaty doing it either.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, it's the way to go. It's the move.

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It's the pro move. Kids. If you're out there listening, let.

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Speaker 2: Her sit on your face. Yeah, munch on box kids.

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Speaker 1: So, even though even though throughout history it's been constant

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bullshit that people have been like, oh, they used to

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be still much harder than rouse. There used to be

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such twelve for the ropes. We're pussies now. Sometimes, just sometimes,

294
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there is an example from history so egregiously hard ass

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masculine that you have to concede that maybe, just maybe

296
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they did used to be harder. Today, we were telling

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the story of Gaius Mucius Cordus, better known as sky Vola,

298
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which means left handed.

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Speaker 2: It's a hard name. Yeah, fucking Skyvolla. There was a

300
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kid at the meat That's how I knew I was.

301
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I was in a presence of a soft kid. His

302
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name was Phoenix. He was the one white kid at

303
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the meat His name was Phoenix, and he was the

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weakest kid there.

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Speaker 3: Yep, I guarantee everyone at the school calls him Sunshine

306
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boy because we had one white kid on our football team,

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and besides me, I was considered white adjacent, but we

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called him Sunshine.

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Speaker 2: I felt bad for because because I knew, like his teammates,

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his everyone at school probably just relentlessly bullies him. That's

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probably why he got into lifting.

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Speaker 1: Why was he there? Was he big?

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Speaker 2: You know he's getting into it. Oh, okay, you gotta

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start somewhere, right, I guess so. But dude, yeah, he

315
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was squat. He was squat like one thirty five. His

316
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teammates are squatting like six hundred pounds, fucking literally six

317
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and he's just getting started. He's a freshman whatever.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, full body yet, all right, fair enough.

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Speaker 2: But he's doing one rep one thirty five. We gotta

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get we gotta get there, bro, Come on, Phoenix. He

321
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never had a chance though. No, your your fucking parents

322
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name me Phoenix, that's.

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Speaker 1: Your fucked you gotta go by Nicks and just never

324
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telling him what your full name is. Eyes from the

325
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Ashes I think they call him like flame or bird.

326
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Speaker 2: They definitely do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I would do. I mean I was

328
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in high school at the same time. Say it might

329
00:16:02,279 --> 00:16:05,159
be like, is that flame of bird? Is that flameer chicken?

330
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Speaker 3: I'd go buy Dumbledore because he had a phoenix he did.

331
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Speaker 1: That was cool. Fox was cool.

332
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Speaker 2: Though. The softest name I ever came across was my

333
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:17,679
freshman roommate in college, Skyler. Oh it's tough, but he

334
00:16:17,919 --> 00:16:21,399
he was a hockey player. So mmmmm, the one Skylar

335
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,399
I know plays D and D.

336
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Speaker 1: Loser. Yeah, right, what do you mean losers played D

337
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and D.

338
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Speaker 2: I don't know what you're talking about.

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Speaker 1: Okay. So in five oh eight BC, early in the

340
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Roman Republic, the Romans were at war with the Etruscan kingdom.

341
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They were also Italians. Uh, The Romans and Etruscans have

342
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been fighting for like two hundred years at this point,

343
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on and off. This was Rome's first great rival before

344
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Carthage and stuff like that. And when I say early

345
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in the Roman Republic, I mean in five o nine

346
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BC they overthrew the Roman monarchy and the Republic was

347
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born with the election of the first Consuls and all

348
00:17:01,919 --> 00:17:05,240
that stuff. The king the Roman king who was deposed

349
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Lucius Tarkinis Superbose was actually.

350
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Speaker 2: Just making words up.

351
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, right, Latin's funny like that where it

352
00:17:14,759 --> 00:17:16,920
sounds all fake because it just sounds like an English

353
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word that you.

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Speaker 3: I mean, you can say any word right now, but that's.

355
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Speaker 1: Adding us to it.

356
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Speaker 2: Yeah, peniss and that's what made the Catholic Church dominant

357
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for centuries until fucking Vatican two ruined everything. We got

358
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to go back to Latin and the priest not looking

359
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,160
at you. I'm a big proponent of going back, Like

360
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:41,160
I think Vatican too ruined the Catholic Church. I've read

361
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:45,440
nothing about it, but I just it's not the same.

362
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Speaker 1: I mean, it was hyper controversial at the time.

363
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Speaker 2: Yeah, what the sixties? Uh yeah, I think I think

364
00:17:51,519 --> 00:17:54,960
it was in the sixties. Is under was it John Paul.

365
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Speaker 1: Not the second I think it was Pop Jumpaul one.

366
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Speaker 2: Ruined it for the rest of us.

367
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Speaker 1: But yeah, I was like, we got to make it

368
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,119
more accessible. No one understands what we're saying.

369
00:18:04,559 --> 00:18:06,839
Speaker 2: Some dude at the gym actually came up to me, older,

370
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:11,480
older fella complimented me on my beard, as one does. Yep, yep,

371
00:18:11,519 --> 00:18:13,079
I've been getting a lot of compliments on the beard

372
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just let it go. And I told him I had

373
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a history podcast, and then I told him I was

374
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,559
he found out I was Catholic. He's just like, yeah, dude,

375
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been out ever since Vatican too.

376
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Speaker 1: That sounds about right.

377
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:24,960
Speaker 2: Oh my hell yeah, brother.

378
00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:27,599
Speaker 1: I think my grandparents hated it.

379
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,480
Speaker 2: This all came up within a two minute conversation.

380
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Speaker 1: Like I remember, I remember growing up, which was only

381
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,039
like thirty years after Vatican two. So I was like,

382
00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,880
my grandparents were alive and they're you know, Catholic since

383
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,480
they were born in the twenties and the nineteen teens,

384
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like my mom's dad was born in nineteen twelve. Uh,

385
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,920
like they were when when Teddy was running for in

386
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:52,160
the Bullblue Party was here he was born. Yeah, they

387
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,119
were like Vatican two Vertican too, bro, you know what

388
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,079
I mean. It's just like the type of thing like

389
00:18:58,079 --> 00:19:03,759
what are their pronouns? Like that was Vatican of that two? Okay, uh.

390
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:09,759
Speaker 2: You got Vatican two? You hell two point zero? Everything

391
00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:13,359
to the two version. We gotta just go right to three. Yeah,

392
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,640
because two ain't doing it. It ain't cutting it.

393
00:19:15,759 --> 00:19:18,000
Speaker 1: No, it's attack of the clones. It's not great.

394
00:19:18,519 --> 00:19:23,319
Speaker 2: So my favorite Star Wars, the deposed king Count Dooku.

395
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:28,240
Come on, badass. Yeah, General Grievous Grieves is in three.

396
00:19:28,799 --> 00:19:29,720
He's in two as well.

397
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:33,680
Speaker 1: He's only in three. It's not true General Groose is.

398
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,759
Speaker 2: Only Grievous pops in in two when throughout the Clone Wars.

399
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:40,880
Speaker 1: Brother, that's not that's an Attack of the Clones and

400
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,440
the Clone Wars not the same thing.

401
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,079
Speaker 2: I understand that. But Grievous is in two.

402
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,759
Speaker 1: He is not an Attack of the Clones. No, General

403
00:19:48,759 --> 00:19:51,319
Grieves does not appear on screen in Attack of the Clones.

404
00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:53,279
Speaker 3: His name was mentioned.

405
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:59,519
Speaker 2: That's your timeline, all right. Just because it's accurate doesn't

406
00:19:59,559 --> 00:20:03,440
mean General Grieves in my timeline and my life isn't in.

407
00:20:03,559 --> 00:20:05,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, your lived experience is different than mine. It's not

408
00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:09,160
the same with General Grieves fair enough. So really he's

409
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,519
only in three and he gets fucking got immediately. Yeah,

410
00:20:11,519 --> 00:20:12,279
he's only in three.

411
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:13,160
Speaker 2: Damn.

412
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,640
Speaker 1: He's not great storytelling. But it is a great movie.

413
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,680
Speaker 2: It's just the light Saber Battles are so much better.

414
00:20:20,079 --> 00:20:21,640
Speaker 1: Literally that make the first ones on on?

415
00:20:24,559 --> 00:20:26,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, is that the one where they're tied up in

416
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,200
the arena when Natalie Portman gets her mid rift.

417
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,240
Speaker 2: That one's badass, I mean because of her. Yeah, yeah, god,

418
00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:35,319
she's perfect.

419
00:20:36,519 --> 00:20:38,359
Speaker 1: Natalie Portman in Attack of the Clones.

420
00:20:39,079 --> 00:20:44,000
Speaker 2: I can't think of anyone better. No notes, Yeah, you're like,

421
00:20:44,039 --> 00:20:46,559
who's our hell try Honestly, it was not an a Portman.

422
00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:48,200
Oh boy, early two thousands.

423
00:20:48,319 --> 00:20:53,799
Speaker 1: Just perfect. So the deposed king has familiar ties to

424
00:20:53,839 --> 00:20:58,119
the Etruscans and he goes up there and he garners

425
00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,400
support from the cities of v I and Tarquina, hence

426
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:06,559
the name. And he's like, hey, help me get the

427
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:10,720
thrown back, and I will get lands back for one

428
00:21:10,759 --> 00:21:12,880
city and for the other city. It's just like, hey,

429
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,880
I'm part of your family, so like, help me out.

430
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:19,319
So the armies follow him and they are defeated by

431
00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:25,079
the Romans at the Battle of Silva Arcia, and they're

432
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,960
just defeated, and you know whatever, they're like, all right,

433
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:32,000
I guess we lost blah blah blah. But Tarcinus or

434
00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:34,839
Tarcinus Sorry, is like, God damn it. I'm not giving

435
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,440
up that easy. I want the fucking Roman thrown back.

436
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,799
I'm the king of Rome, God damn it. So he

437
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,799
goes to the city of the Etruscan city of Closseum

438
00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:48,079
in five oh eight PC and they're king Lars Porcina.

439
00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:51,799
This is the most powerful Etruscan city. I think it's

440
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,160
definitely one of the most powerful Trustcan city. It's super powerful,

441
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,759
more powerful than Rome even at this point in time,

442
00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,920
I believe. And uh, he's like, hey, help me take

443
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,359
back the throne when I'm king of Rome again. I'll

444
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,799
you know, concede shit to you, and you know, we'll

445
00:22:06,839 --> 00:22:08,720
have a good deal and blah blah blah. So the

446
00:22:08,759 --> 00:22:11,160
city's like, all right, fuck Rome, and you know you're

447
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,960
kind of Etruscan so we'll help you out and plus

448
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,240
we'll get shipped out of it. So all right, well

449
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,480
we'll do it. We'll go we'll go fight Rome for you.

450
00:22:21,519 --> 00:22:26,359
When the Senate finds out that Tarkinus's army, Etruscan army

451
00:22:26,559 --> 00:22:30,519
is approaching the city, they're like, oh shit, our little

452
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,720
Republican experiment is already fucked. The people of Rome are

453
00:22:34,759 --> 00:22:36,880
for sure going to surrender. We cannot win this fight.

454
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:46,640
So the Romans turn to communism. Sad they saved democracy

455
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,440
with communism?

456
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:50,599
Speaker 3: Is that a good idea?

457
00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 2: Well, it's never truly been done.

458
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,920
Speaker 1: I've never gotten tried, never tried. Uh no, so the Senate.

459
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,920
Speaker 2: At least, that's what the pamphlets tell me. Yeah, correct,

460
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:01,640
did you know that?

461
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,799
Speaker 1: No matter what it is, because I hear this, I

462
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:09,839
feel like I hear this all the time about liberalism, conservatism, capitalism, communism.

463
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:16,279
If something bad happens under the banner or guys of

464
00:23:16,319 --> 00:23:19,720
your system of something, then that actually wasn't the real

465
00:23:19,839 --> 00:23:24,039
version of it, and it doesn't count. Right, So like

466
00:23:24,799 --> 00:23:28,839
if you try conservatism and something bad happens in whatever

467
00:23:28,839 --> 00:23:32,319
you're trying it with, that wasn't real. Or like a

468
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,240
conservative president does something, it wasn't real conservatism. If a liberal,

469
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:40,039
if a superliberal person does something and it goes super wrong,

470
00:23:40,319 --> 00:23:42,839
it wasn't real. It wasn't that. Oh, that actually doesn't

471
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,480
count because it wasn't a real thing.

472
00:23:45,039 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 3: That's how you stay winning the data.

473
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,400
Speaker 2: Nothing counts because you know, religion has killed so many people,

474
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:53,079
but we're not going to.

475
00:23:53,079 --> 00:23:54,200
Speaker 1: Tell that's not real religion.

476
00:23:54,279 --> 00:23:56,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're not gonna talk about now or.

477
00:23:57,799 --> 00:24:02,160
Speaker 1: Yeah when yeah, and see Salem with trials. Not real

478
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:09,039
Christianity now, great, not real communism. So it doesn't count

479
00:24:10,799 --> 00:24:15,880
full stop. So they actually do they They nationalize a

480
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,039
lot of stuff immediately just to make sure that people

481
00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:19,559
get free shit and don't turn on them.

482
00:24:19,599 --> 00:24:22,039
Speaker 2: Basically, they had fucking UBI.

483
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:29,519
Speaker 1: Close. They nationalize grain and make sure grain is super cheap.

484
00:24:29,559 --> 00:24:32,359
They nationalize the sale of salt, which was costly at

485
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,039
the time, and they take away all taxes from the

486
00:24:35,039 --> 00:24:39,279
lower classes so that the fucking pores don't turn on them.

487
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 2: They incentivize a tax break with children.

488
00:24:43,039 --> 00:24:45,640
Speaker 1: I who knows what the fuck, but they're basically they

489
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,640
basically just bought the loyalty. They were like, we'll just

490
00:24:47,759 --> 00:24:48,759
bite what is buy off?

491
00:24:48,759 --> 00:24:50,359
Speaker 3: You gotta stop the bleeding somehow.

492
00:24:50,559 --> 00:24:53,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, and this worked, and the population was like the

493
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:57,279
city's sweet to live in. Fuck these guys. And so

494
00:24:57,319 --> 00:24:59,119
the city was like, all right, we'll defend, like we'll

495
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,559
defend this shit. Fuck it because before it was a

496
00:25:02,559 --> 00:25:06,680
little bit of I suppose the mood of like I

497
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,319
don't know, man, what are we doing? A ripaboloa what?

498
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,880
And now this powerful city is gonna come and just

499
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:17,319
fuck us up. Like there's there's a lot of motivations

500
00:25:17,319 --> 00:25:19,920
to just surrender and be like just let the dude like,

501
00:25:20,759 --> 00:25:23,759
oh my god, this sucks ass, Yeah, like why not?

502
00:25:24,079 --> 00:25:25,440
And so they do all these measures and they're like,

503
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,960
you know what, Okay, fuck them, let's go grab my

504
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:30,960
pitch for yeah.

505
00:25:31,079 --> 00:25:31,519
Speaker 2: Yeah.

506
00:25:31,519 --> 00:25:33,920
Speaker 1: So the army comes to Rome. The Etruscan army comes

507
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:37,680
to Rome, and there's a little bit of a battle

508
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,720
outside of Rome to try to set up the siege, essentially,

509
00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:42,680
try to get to a point where they can besiege

510
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:48,039
the city. As Etruscan troops are are attacking over the

511
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,720
river Tiber, the bridge is leading into the city. There's

512
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,880
one bridge in particular. They're trying to destroy the bridge

513
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,079
to cut off to like delay the enemy or whatever.

514
00:25:57,319 --> 00:25:59,039
But they're having a tough time because the enemy is

515
00:25:59,079 --> 00:26:03,359
coming on so fast. So hey man, this isn't even

516
00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:05,319
a man we're talking about. It's just another hard ass

517
00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:12,880
moment in this war. Man named Pubilius Horatius Cockles Cocles

518
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:22,599
leaps across the bridge with Titus equilinieslah and Spurius Larcius,

519
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,880
and the three of them just hold off. I don't

520
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,319
know if they have spears or whatever. They're just like

521
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:30,039
straight back, straight back. They're like getting ready to like

522
00:26:30,079 --> 00:26:32,119
everyone else, destroying the bridge, like at the fuck back,

523
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:34,599
just goot fucking back, and they the three of them

524
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,039
hold off a large amount of troops, not probably not thousands,

525
00:26:38,039 --> 00:26:41,000
but like they're out. There's three of them. They're absolutely outnumbered,

526
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,839
like ten guys a fuck up, three guys alone the

527
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,319
fifty year hundred home of there.

528
00:26:45,759 --> 00:26:47,880
Speaker 2: It's like an episode of American Gladiators.

529
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, dude, if a guy named pub Cock is like, yo,

530
00:26:51,559 --> 00:26:54,680
we gotta defend this fucking bridge, I'll be a little

531
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:55,359
bit inspired.

532
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,279
Speaker 2: I'll ride to the gates of Hell for him, Pubious

533
00:26:58,319 --> 00:26:59,880
Cockalus or whatever the hell.

534
00:27:00,079 --> 00:27:01,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, dude, I got you.

535
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,880
Speaker 1: So two of them retreat as the bridge is almost destroyed.

536
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,799
They're like, Okay, there's like only one plank left, let's

537
00:27:07,839 --> 00:27:13,839
run back across. Horatious though stays keeps fighting the Etruscans

538
00:27:14,039 --> 00:27:17,079
by himself until the bridge is completely destroyed, just so

539
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,440
they can't stop it or anything like that, then swims

540
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,680
across the river as the enemy finally decides to shoot

541
00:27:22,759 --> 00:27:24,200
arrows at that. I don't know why they're waiting.

542
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,200
Speaker 3: Isn't that a weird thing. There's a lot of historical

543
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:33,519
moments of one dude pretend are protecting a single bridge. Guys,

544
00:27:33,599 --> 00:27:34,039
get an.

545
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 2: Arrow, get a fucking yeah, where's the archers? They're usually

546
00:27:37,079 --> 00:27:37,720
pretty close.

547
00:27:37,839 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 1: I do understand it to a little bit of an

548
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:46,079
extent because people don't movies don't really do a good

549
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,839
job of showing what ancient medieval combat was actually like,

550
00:27:50,839 --> 00:27:53,640
which is it's it's actually quite a bit tentative. Like

551
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,279
they're not just like a lot of swinging to each

552
00:27:56,279 --> 00:27:58,279
other and shit like that. They're kind of like feeling

553
00:27:58,279 --> 00:28:01,839
each other out. O poke yeah, like it really like

554
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,759
nobody wants to get stabbed, believe it or not.

555
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's like a striking battle where both are

556
00:28:06,839 --> 00:28:12,559
very like good at punching or kicking, and it's just

557
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,160
guys kind of you you go for a faint, he

558
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:16,160
doesn't budge.

559
00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:18,599
Speaker 3: You're finding your range and all that kind of stuff.

560
00:28:18,799 --> 00:28:21,640
Speaker 1: Typically a born fight, yeah, because you're looking for that

561
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,920
one moment when you can kind of like get in there.

562
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,920
Speaker 2: And especially when there's like two counterpunchers, nothing happens.

563
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. And and so that's like a big thing

564
00:28:30,039 --> 00:28:32,720
with ancient and medieval battles is essentially it's it's it's

565
00:28:32,799 --> 00:28:38,920
really not about combat effect or like not combat effectiveness,

566
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,200
like melee effectiveness or like being like sweet with a sword,

567
00:28:42,279 --> 00:28:47,480
or it's it's positioning I always want all maneuvering and positioning.

568
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 2: Because guys will just survive battle after battle after battle,

569
00:28:50,559 --> 00:28:53,160
and like how like I would have thought the way

570
00:28:53,279 --> 00:28:57,720
movies portray stuff, like a random ara is gonna take

571
00:28:57,759 --> 00:29:01,240
you out eventually. No, no, because the death toll in

572
00:29:01,279 --> 00:29:05,000
a lot of these battles very minimal. Yeah, comparatively and

573
00:29:05,039 --> 00:29:09,480
so essentially les you're in China, Yeah, slaughter in China.

574
00:29:08,799 --> 00:29:12,279
Speaker 1: But like essentially, it's all like maneuvering, and all you

575
00:29:12,319 --> 00:29:14,000
want to do really is like kind of get around

576
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,440
the flank. I mean there's certain instances where that's not

577
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,920
the case. Like the reason Alexander and Phillips, like Macedonian

578
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,640
Failanxes were so sweet in part is because they just

579
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,039
had like longer spears. Yeah, that they were just able

580
00:29:25,039 --> 00:29:26,599
to like fuck you up before you could fuck them up.

581
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 2: What if we made it longer?

582
00:29:29,839 --> 00:29:33,079
Speaker 1: If he was longer than the other ones.

583
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,279
Speaker 3: You have to be so strong to manipulate a fucking

584
00:29:35,359 --> 00:29:35,880
long spirit.

585
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:37,359
Speaker 1: They had sixty foot spears.

586
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:41,519
Speaker 2: What how do you hold on? That's insane too long,

587
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,720
that's not gonna be good in battle. That's crazy.

588
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,000
Speaker 1: I couldn't hold Sorry, I'm totally right. I couldn't hold

589
00:29:48,039 --> 00:29:51,440
that Macedonian spears were twenty one feet long.

590
00:29:51,759 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 3: Even still, that's insane.

591
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,799
Speaker 2: Sixty feet that things snapping.

592
00:29:57,119 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so they were twenty one feet long, and

593
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:02,200
like a normal Greek failings was seven and nine. Okay,

594
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:04,440
you come out. I don't know where I got sixty.

595
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,599
I apologize, that's fucking stupid. But yeah, they were much longer,

596
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,599
and so you just were able to hit people before

597
00:30:10,599 --> 00:30:13,039
they but mostly it's like maneuvering and shit like that.

598
00:30:13,119 --> 00:30:14,640
And so it was the very tentative fight.

599
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 2: So like it's not fucking sixty foot sphere would be

600
00:30:17,759 --> 00:30:21,880
like inspector, gadget, the guy's trying to hold on for

601
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:24,160
dear life just to the spears, like grabbing her from

602
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,400
him and be like, hey, dude, drop it. He misses

603
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,160
the guy there. Yeah, they're just gonna grab it and

604
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,119
just pull him forward, which.

605
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:32,559
Speaker 1: Let go the spears. At that point, I guess.

606
00:30:32,759 --> 00:30:37,599
Speaker 2: They really funny. There's pulling the guy away from value.

607
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:38,599
Speaker 3: Nothing I can do.

608
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:42,559
Speaker 1: So, I mean they had side arms, they had like

609
00:30:42,599 --> 00:30:47,000
a sword. Yeah, but it was one serious, which always

610
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,279
makes me wonder how the Romans would beat any failings,

611
00:30:49,319 --> 00:30:50,720
but they did. They beat the shit out of them.

612
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,240
Probably maneuverability. Actually, they were a lot more maneuverable because

613
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,839
they weren't rocking spears and yeah, and so a lot

614
00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,799
of it is maneuverability. And once you get around the

615
00:30:59,799 --> 00:31:01,759
side of a formation like that, yeah exactly.

616
00:31:01,799 --> 00:31:03,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I mean with that kind of length, you

617
00:31:03,519 --> 00:31:06,319
could probably pull vault over the line, pull.

618
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:10,039
Speaker 1: Vault into it. So these are guys weren't even talking

619
00:31:10,039 --> 00:31:11,960
about There's just three dudes who held a stand at

620
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:17,000
a bridge. But the attack succeeds overall and a siege

621
00:31:17,079 --> 00:31:17,440
is laid.

622
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:19,799
Speaker 2: Do that one guy get killed by those arrows? No,

623
00:31:19,559 --> 00:31:21,920
no one got killed. No, No, those guys didn't get killed.

624
00:31:22,119 --> 00:31:22,920
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, they.

625
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,319
Speaker 2: Will remember our name for eternity as we defended this

626
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:27,480
nameless bridge.

627
00:31:27,519 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, Pubio horsio.

628
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,359
Speaker 1: I mean they're technically remembered. I don't I already don't

629
00:31:32,359 --> 00:31:34,920
remember their names, but they are technically remembered, like they're

630
00:31:36,079 --> 00:31:37,279
written down, you know what I mean.

631
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:38,880
Speaker 2: Yeah.

632
00:31:39,119 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, So siege is lay. The Romans kind of like

633
00:31:45,039 --> 00:31:46,640
will pop out and fight a little bit now and

634
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:50,039
then whin some skirmishes, but for the most part, cities

635
00:31:50,119 --> 00:31:54,559
under siege they don't know what to do. So a

636
00:31:54,640 --> 00:32:02,000
young Roman man, Guayus Mucius, comes to the Senate and

637
00:32:02,039 --> 00:32:07,920
he's like, I got an idea. I'll go sneak in

638
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:12,960
to the Etruscan Army camp and I'll kill their fucking king.

639
00:32:14,039 --> 00:32:15,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, little assassin.

640
00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:20,279
Speaker 1: And the Senate is like, oh, well, we're fresh out

641
00:32:20,279 --> 00:32:21,000
of fucking ideas.

642
00:32:21,039 --> 00:32:22,480
Speaker 2: It's not honorable, though.

643
00:32:22,559 --> 00:32:24,960
Speaker 1: Let's go for it. Senate doesn't care. They're like, we're

644
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:28,400
only a year old, this republic that barely exists, Like

645
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:32,359
we're fucked, go ahead, do it. He doesn't care if

646
00:32:32,359 --> 00:32:33,079
he makes it or not.

647
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:35,119
Speaker 2: He's gonna kill suicide mission.

648
00:32:35,519 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 1: It is a suicide mission. He's going to kill the

649
00:32:37,319 --> 00:32:39,440
king to save the republic, to save the city. So

650
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,160
he sneaks into the Etruscan camp, swims across the river Tiber,

651
00:32:42,519 --> 00:32:49,279
sneaks into the Etruscan camp, and sneaks around until he

652
00:32:49,359 --> 00:32:58,200
finds the king. However, apparently it had recently been payday

653
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:05,519
for the Etruscan Army. So like a soldier with the

654
00:33:05,519 --> 00:33:08,680
fresh paycheck and nothing to spend it on is wont

655
00:33:08,759 --> 00:33:12,400
to do a lot of people bought a lot of

656
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:18,039
fancy shit walking around balled out right.

657
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,359
Speaker 2: I thought they were gonna have like card games, rolling

658
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:22,319
some diet that was almost certainly happening.

659
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,799
Speaker 3: I was gonna say, they're either drunk because of payday

660
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,680
or they're gambling their new money in some way that too,

661
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:32,400
which might help this dude assassinate him, But it sounded

662
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,880
like because they were rolling around and looking baller, he

663
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:36,880
had a hard time finding out which one was the king.

664
00:33:36,759 --> 00:33:38,880
Speaker 1: Which one was the king. Yeah, so he spots who

665
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:42,319
he thinks is the king. Turns out it's just the

666
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:46,480
king's assistant, and he stabs that guy to death and

667
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,440
is immediately captured.

668
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:50,559
Speaker 3: Damn it.

669
00:33:51,799 --> 00:33:55,920
Speaker 1: So Mukius is captured by the Etruscans and he's brought

670
00:33:56,119 --> 00:34:02,599
before King porcina A, and King Porsin is like who

671
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,799
are you? And he's like Michus is like, I'm a

672
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:10,400
Roman and I'm here to fucking kill you. Hell yeah,

673
00:34:10,599 --> 00:34:13,199
he says straight up. He goes, this is a quote.

674
00:34:13,559 --> 00:34:16,400
I am a Roman citizen. Men call me Guias Mukius.

675
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,320
I came here as an enemy to kill my enemy,

676
00:34:19,519 --> 00:34:21,960
and I am ready to die. I am as ready

677
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:25,360
to die as I am to kill. We Romans act bravely,

678
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,960
and when adversity strikes, we suffer bravely.

679
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:29,920
Speaker 3: What a cool dude.

680
00:34:30,199 --> 00:34:33,519
Speaker 2: I bet they're like, chill out, man, you're.

681
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,519
Speaker 3: Kind of that was his movie moment. Do we just

682
00:34:36,519 --> 00:34:38,760
got paid, We're chilling, relaxed, dude.

683
00:34:39,039 --> 00:34:41,079
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're all having a good time. You just had

684
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:42,960
to come in here and stab a motherfucker.

685
00:34:43,039 --> 00:34:44,760
Speaker 2: And it's his assistant. I'd be like, dude, I gotta

686
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,320
get a new one. That guy was good, Yeah, it was.

687
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,519
It was the King's scribe. So I wrote everything down,

688
00:34:50,519 --> 00:34:52,159
and the King's just like, God, I gotta find another

689
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:54,199
dude that can write as well or as fast.

690
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:57,199
Speaker 1: We just got writing. No one else knows how to do.

691
00:34:58,480 --> 00:34:59,400
God damn it.

692
00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 2: Really send us back, you dick.

693
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,840
Speaker 1: So then Mukius says, he's like, you can kill me,

694
00:35:07,599 --> 00:35:10,320
but it doesn't matter because there are three hundred guys

695
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,119
just as fucking brave and fucked up as I am,

696
00:35:13,599 --> 00:35:16,639
ready to kill you if I don't, which I guess

697
00:35:16,679 --> 00:35:19,360
I didn't, So you can kill me, but they're gonna

698
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,119
keep coming, and one of them is gonna get your

699
00:35:21,159 --> 00:35:26,840
ass nice and the King is like, okay, yeah, right, whatever, asshole.

700
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,159
We're gonna rip you limb from limb, like we're gonna

701
00:35:29,159 --> 00:35:31,159
torture you. And then and then kill you so so

702
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:32,960
you know, like you failed, and.

703
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,280
Speaker 2: We were not just gonna slay your throat. Yeah, we're

704
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:36,119
gonna suffer for this.

705
00:35:36,159 --> 00:35:38,960
Speaker 1: We would make you fucking bleed like you were gonna

706
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:39,880
have a horrible time.

707
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,840
Speaker 2: And then this is a huge inconvenience for us, So

708
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,159
we're gonna make you pay.

709
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, like you're a dick. This is annoying. You killed

710
00:35:48,039 --> 00:35:51,280
my my guy. Here, we're gonna we're going to make

711
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:54,360
your life, the last eight minutes of it, a living

712
00:35:54,440 --> 00:36:03,920
fucking hell. And Mukius is like, again, fine, you wanna

713
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,880
fuck torture me, you wanna fuck me up? You think

714
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:09,480
you can even fuck me up. It doesn't matter because

715
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:12,880
there's three hundred assholes at least back in there that

716
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:15,880
are gonna come and they're gonna get you. And here's

717
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:20,679
how hard romans are. I'll just show you. So Mukius

718
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:26,400
walks over to a fire in like a cauldron that's

719
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,960
in the tent and he go he says this is

720
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:33,159
what he says, leisurely watch so that you know how

721
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:36,519
cheap the body is to men who have their eye

722
00:36:36,559 --> 00:36:37,480
on great glory.

723
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:43,280
Speaker 2: He did something like Tony Robbin shit, like walk the coals, no,

724
00:36:43,599 --> 00:36:46,039
he puts his face in it close.

725
00:36:48,199 --> 00:36:51,639
Speaker 1: He takes his right arm and he sticks it over

726
00:36:51,679 --> 00:36:54,639
the fire, and the Etruscans are like, oh wow, cool,

727
00:36:54,679 --> 00:36:57,559
you're gonna burn yourself a little bit. Whatever, whoa fire?

728
00:36:57,559 --> 00:37:00,920
You don't care about fire? Oh whoa, Well, we're still

729
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:04,400
going to torture you when you're done. But Miukius doesn't

730
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:09,840
take his arm out of the fire. Mukius stands there

731
00:37:11,519 --> 00:37:16,639
without flinching until his whole right hand burns off.

732
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:17,800
Speaker 2: The man.

733
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:21,920
Speaker 1: He literally just keeps his hand over the fire, staring

734
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:26,360
at the intrusting Etruscan king, just gritting his teeth until

735
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:30,199
his fucking right hand burns off of his body.

736
00:37:30,239 --> 00:37:31,760
Speaker 2: I guess he was not a true targarian.

737
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:32,840
Speaker 1: Why is that?

738
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:33,199
Speaker 2: Yeah?

739
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:33,480
Speaker 1: Right?

740
00:37:34,079 --> 00:37:36,800
Speaker 3: The only thing cooler in that moment to do, not

741
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,679
my kalisi, was to just starting masturbating.

742
00:37:39,519 --> 00:37:41,480
Speaker 1: With your left hand. Yeah, dude, while you.

743
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:45,480
Speaker 2: Do, how fucking hard I am? They surround start cranking.

744
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:48,559
One's going to try to capture you if you're just

745
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:49,199
jerking it.

746
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:51,320
Speaker 3: I had I had a section leader who went through

747
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,159
that the Seer school, which is like where you get

748
00:37:54,159 --> 00:37:57,880
tortured and learn how to evade capture and survive. He's

749
00:37:57,880 --> 00:37:59,280
like every time they would come into fuck with us,

750
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,119
would just hard jack off. They'd be like that guy

751
00:38:01,199 --> 00:38:03,559
is weird, and they would like kind of let him

752
00:38:03,559 --> 00:38:07,079
off a little bit easier. There everyone else that's genius.

753
00:38:07,079 --> 00:38:09,800
And I was this is my first, like team leader guy,

754
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:11,480
if you're compromised, I'm doing that.

755
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:12,639
Speaker 1: I don't think that's genius.

756
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 2: Let's say you get into a bad spot, say you're

757
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,159
out numbered, you gotta be the crazy guy. Yeah, you

758
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:19,760
gotta go full mental.

759
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 1: Here's why I don't think that's genius. It worked on

760
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:27,719
his trainers, right, that's true. Yeah, Here's what I would

761
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:32,760
do if I was some Isis soldier and I was like,

762
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:35,639
this guy keeps trying to psych us out by jacking off.

763
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:38,519
I'll probably just I'm gonna cut his dick off so

764
00:38:38,559 --> 00:38:40,000
you can't do that anymore because it's annoying.

765
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:40,719
Speaker 2: That's good.

766
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:43,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I'd be like, oh, you think you're gonna

767
00:38:43,199 --> 00:38:47,039
get us this fingering finger your asshole?

768
00:38:47,079 --> 00:38:48,840
Speaker 2: Now, that's a risk you take.

769
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:49,320
Speaker 3: You look at that.

770
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,719
Speaker 1: I'm gonna solder your asshole shut if you start doing that.

771
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, but then you take your cut off penis and

772
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:56,440
maybe you start whipping and around like I'm gonna.

773
00:38:56,199 --> 00:39:02,400
Speaker 1: Throw if I'm cutting off your penis keeping it, it's

774
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,679
getting pickled, and it's a war trophy.

775
00:39:07,559 --> 00:39:09,519
Speaker 2: You put it in a jar from aldehyde.

776
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'm not giving it back to him.

777
00:39:12,599 --> 00:39:15,800
Speaker 2: Like mind now, wait, that's how they got Napoleon's dick, right.

778
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:18,039
Speaker 1: That was post mortem?

779
00:39:18,599 --> 00:39:19,599
Speaker 2: Who did that though?

780
00:39:20,079 --> 00:39:22,159
Speaker 1: As well? You know medicine at the time.

781
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 2: Who owns Napoleon's dick?

782
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,000
Speaker 1: Now, let me look where Napoleon's penis is.

783
00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:27,440
Speaker 3: I know this was the thing.

784
00:39:27,639 --> 00:39:30,760
Speaker 2: Someone has his dick, Someone has Napoleon's penis. That's amazing.

785
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:34,480
Speaker 1: Napoleon's penis is currently owned by It's a great set

786
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,679
of words Evan Latimer.

787
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:40,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, like a Russian oligarch.

788
00:39:41,119 --> 00:39:44,440
Speaker 1: The daughter. It's a woman, the daughter of the late

789
00:39:44,559 --> 00:39:50,679
John K. Latimer. John Latimer, an American urologist, bought the

790
00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:55,960
penis at a Paris auction in nineteen seventy seven. Oh god,

791
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:56,679
there's a picture.

792
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:57,639
Speaker 2: What do you go for?

793
00:39:58,480 --> 00:39:59,559
Speaker 1: What? Three grand?

794
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 2: You have bought Napoleon's dick for three grand? I'd go

795
00:40:03,039 --> 00:40:06,840
in debt for his dick. I'll buy his dick right now.

796
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:07,280
Speaker 1: Here's a dick.

797
00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:08,360
Speaker 3: I'd be dead dicked.

798
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, dude, imagine Napoleon's piece on our set.

799
00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 1: That's pretty good. That dead dick. That's a solid dead dick.

800
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:18,599
Speaker 2: You get the inflation calculator out.

801
00:40:18,679 --> 00:40:22,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely right now I'm doing an inflations.

802
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,519
Speaker 2: Three thousand dollars in nineteen seventy worth now.

803
00:40:24,519 --> 00:40:26,840
Speaker 1: I bet you, I might guess would be like twenty.

804
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:30,599
Speaker 2: I'd still pay twenty grand for Napoleon's pea fucking obviously.

805
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,119
Speaker 3: I'd sell my house.

806
00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:36,079
Speaker 2: Fifteen grand.

807
00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:40,079
Speaker 1: You bought Napoleon's dick for you can get a credit

808
00:40:40,159 --> 00:40:42,679
card tomorrow for a higher.

809
00:40:42,639 --> 00:40:47,679
Speaker 2: Maxing it out. I'm getting that piece. Oh my god,

810
00:40:48,079 --> 00:40:50,360
I am calling Evan as soon as the show ends.

811
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:52,920
Speaker 1: But like, hey, I need that.

812
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 3: Are you on the part with that dick?

813
00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,119
Speaker 1: With that I'll give you?

814
00:41:01,599 --> 00:41:04,119
Speaker 2: We should split it, split it in half. It's easy.

815
00:41:04,159 --> 00:41:07,360
Oh do we go one? We each own one third

816
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:08,840
of Napoleon's penis? Yeah?

817
00:41:09,119 --> 00:41:11,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, every quarter, we we get joint. We just get

818
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:12,480
joint custody.

819
00:41:12,519 --> 00:41:14,119
Speaker 2: We pass it around like the Stanley cup.

820
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, we do weird stuff.

821
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:16,840
Speaker 2: We just get a couple of weeks.

822
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,079
Speaker 1: Would you do a coke bump off a Napoleon's dick?

823
00:41:20,039 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 2: At this point Yeah, it's not gay. It's history obviously

824
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:27,440
not gay, not gay at all. That's so powerful? Would

825
00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,679
you do because dick probably never touched coke and it

826
00:41:29,719 --> 00:41:32,760
will probably ground up pieces of it, and then snort.

827
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:35,960
Speaker 1: That I wouldn't I wouldn't hurt that penis at all. Yeah,

828
00:41:36,159 --> 00:41:36,920
are you kidding me?

829
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 2: Now? Now we're gonna have problems if you have custody

830
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,559
of the dick for the quarter. You can't have that

831
00:41:42,639 --> 00:41:44,440
dick if you're going to do that to it, you're

832
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:48,199
gonna use it on your wife. No, we'll talk about

833
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:50,159
us as I mean, you just use as a dildo.

834
00:41:50,519 --> 00:41:53,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I do the penis extender, you know what I mean?

835
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:55,159
Like how you can get those on.

836
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:57,639
Speaker 3: Tie a little like like the loop around it, so

837
00:41:57,719 --> 00:41:58,880
it adds to you.

838
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:02,440
Speaker 2: Some girth and some inch to you. Yeah, you just

839
00:42:02,519 --> 00:42:03,760
double penetrate.

840
00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:05,039
Speaker 3: Your wife, dick of conquering dude.

841
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can conquer your wife with your penis and

842
00:42:08,079 --> 00:42:11,239
him you know what, you dp your wife with napoleons penis.

843
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:13,760
Speaker 1: You know what I would do, I'll take that penis

844
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:17,159
to Moscow and be like here you go, dude, I

845
00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:18,920
mean think he took Moscow, but whatever, I'd be like

846
00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:19,679
here you go, dude.

847
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 2: I think Putin would actually appreciate it. Putin would, Yeah,

848
00:42:23,639 --> 00:42:25,079
it'd be a gift well received.

849
00:42:25,239 --> 00:42:27,639
Speaker 3: I would like cast it in bronze and make it

850
00:42:27,679 --> 00:42:30,840
a hilt of a sword or like the handle whatever

851
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:32,760
it is. Yeah, like you're just holding onto his dick.

852
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:34,280
Hell yeah, as the sword.

853
00:42:35,039 --> 00:42:35,840
Speaker 1: That would be cool.

854
00:42:36,519 --> 00:42:39,840
Speaker 2: It's obviously going to be the centerpiece of your house too. Yeah.

855
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:42,760
Speaker 1: It's in the foyer in glass as soon as you

856
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:43,199
walk in.

857
00:42:43,599 --> 00:42:46,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, everyone needs to see it. You enter my apartment

858
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:48,480
boom being you.

859
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,400
Speaker 1: Can't miss it. And if you do miss it, I

860
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:52,320
will make sure you go back and look at it.

861
00:42:52,599 --> 00:42:55,159
Speaker 3: The best thing is that would be my second piece

862
00:42:55,199 --> 00:42:58,320
of art or like pictures I have in my whole house.

863
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,800
The only picture I have is Loak Dog from Don't

864
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:02,400
Be a Menace?

865
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:05,400
Speaker 2: Wait, did you just say dick coor and it would

866
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:06,400
be art.

867
00:43:06,639 --> 00:43:08,679
Speaker 3: It would just be like his dick, like I have

868
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:11,840
this Dick and Loak Dog.

869
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:15,039
Speaker 1: I gotta say real quick that Don't Be a Menace

870
00:43:15,199 --> 00:43:18,039
is one of the most underrated movies ever created.

871
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:20,039
Speaker 3: Have you seen that? That portrait? I have?

872
00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:21,559
Speaker 1: No, I have to show it to you after this.

873
00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:26,000
It is that movie. Is so goddamned funny it doesn't

874
00:43:26,039 --> 00:43:29,039
make sense. Yeah, it is a master all right.

875
00:43:29,079 --> 00:43:31,320
Speaker 2: So you're not gonna take credit for dick Core.

876
00:43:33,039 --> 00:43:35,000
Speaker 1: Oh I didn't. I didn't even hear what you said.

877
00:43:35,119 --> 00:43:40,320
Speaker 2: Oh that's why you asked. Yeah, sorry, I didn't hear it,

878
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:44,639
but it was good shouts credit. I thought you said that.

879
00:43:44,639 --> 00:43:44,960
That's why.

880
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:48,360
Speaker 1: Oh I didn't say it. Okay, No, I just pronounced

881
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:49,800
it badly because I have his in in my mouth

882
00:43:51,199 --> 00:43:52,239
that has mush mouthed it.

883
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:57,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, so boy, am I familiar with that? Real quick?

884
00:43:57,199 --> 00:43:59,800
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930
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slash softcore. That's f I T B O D dot

931
00:46:39,159 --> 00:46:41,679
me e slash softcore. Fitbod's been with us for a while,

932
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:43,480
so you probably know the deal. But if you're new here,

933
00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:45,679
I'll tell you again the easiest way to put it

934
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it's a personal trainer in your pocket. Fitbod is a

935
00:46:49,079 --> 00:46:52,320
personal trainer in your pocket. It will help you achieve

936
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whatever your fitness goals are. It's not a weight loss app.

937
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It is an everything workout app. Whatever you need, they

938
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:00,559
can do it. You want to put on map and muscle,

939
00:47:00,599 --> 00:47:02,480
fit bod can do that, you want to lose weight,

940
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fit Bod can do that, you want to just maintain

941
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:07,920
a healthy lifestyle. Fit Bod can do that. Fitbod is

942
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so malleable to what you need in your fitness goals

943
00:47:11,639 --> 00:47:13,800
it is insane. It is actually, I take that back.

944
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,719
It's not a personal trainer in your pocket. It's a

945
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,159
thousand personal trainers in your pocket. And I say that

946
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,880
because they have thousands of workout videos to help show

947
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you how to work out whatever you do with whatever

948
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you have. If you're doing cardio and stuff, they'll do that.

949
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If you have a fancy gym and you're lifting like

950
00:47:29,639 --> 00:47:32,360
Dan does at a Lifetime or whatever, they'll do that.

951
00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:35,599
Whatever equipment you have, whatever whatever stuff you have, they

952
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will cultivate it to what you have and to your goals,

953
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and they keep track of everything. So like you work

954
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this muscle one day, so they'll give you a break.

955
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Your app will be like a you're not working legs today,

956
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,440
you work legs yesterday. You're not working your your biceps today,

957
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:52,960
you worked through yesterday. Whatever. Fit pod is so cultivated

958
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,280
to what you need. It is incredible and it costs

959
00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:58,440
less than a personal trainer, despite the fact that it

960
00:47:58,559 --> 00:48:03,000
is made and input into by lots and lots of

961
00:48:03,039 --> 00:48:05,639
personal trainers. I just it has changed my life in

962
00:48:05,679 --> 00:48:07,559
terms of working out and stuff like that. It is

963
00:48:07,639 --> 00:48:10,199
so good if this is the way to go. And

964
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:12,800
I one thing I don't like about actual personal trainers

965
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:14,440
is I don't want to deal with other people. I

966
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:16,239
just want someone to, like a thing, to tell me

967
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:18,199
what to do. I want to kind of do it privately.

968
00:48:18,239 --> 00:48:19,800
I'm more of a private workout guy. That's why I

969
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:21,360
like to run alone, right, That's why I like to

970
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,159
kind of work out alone. If you're that kind of

971
00:48:23,159 --> 00:48:25,320
person with working out, you're kind of shy about it.

972
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:28,840
Fit pod is so awesome for that especially, And again,

973
00:48:29,119 --> 00:48:31,480
whatever your goals are or whatever your equipment is, whatever

974
00:48:31,679 --> 00:48:34,719
fit Pod will work with you on that and it

975
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can do it for you. I can't recommend it enough. Again,

976
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fitbod dot emmy slash Softcore. That's fit bo d dot

980
00:48:49,119 --> 00:48:55,000
emmy slash soft Core again. Mukius holding his hand over

981
00:48:55,039 --> 00:48:58,199
the fire as his hand melts off of his body.

982
00:48:58,519 --> 00:49:00,920
He's just looking at poor Sina and he like, there's

983
00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:04,639
so many fucking more me bro, check the shit out.

984
00:49:05,119 --> 00:49:06,199
Speaker 2: Hell, yeah, you.

985
00:49:06,119 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 1: Want to come for the republic. This is what you're

986
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:13,519
dealing with. Porcina and everyone else in the tent is like,

987
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:17,320
oh my god, like they're just freaking. They're like, what

988
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:17,920
the fuck?

989
00:49:19,679 --> 00:49:20,840
Speaker 3: Then the smell hits you.

990
00:49:21,159 --> 00:49:26,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, so Porcina is like, Jesus Christ, dude, you can leave,

991
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:30,039
just go back to all right? Fine, he literally says,

992
00:49:30,079 --> 00:49:32,440
go back since you do more harm to yourself than me.

993
00:49:33,519 --> 00:49:34,800
Speaker 2: What ad whoa.

994
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:36,360
Speaker 1: He's like, you can just go, dude.

995
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:37,880
Speaker 2: And but now he's handless.

996
00:49:39,480 --> 00:49:40,880
Speaker 1: But now he's a legend.

997
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,360
Speaker 3: Wait was he the guy that was a lefty that

998
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:46,000
you said earlier? Oh okay, what is it?

999
00:49:46,039 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 1: Hold on? Yeah, Skyvola, dang it.

1000
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:51,840
Speaker 2: Okay, so that was probably right, Yeah, he's right here.

1001
00:49:51,840 --> 00:49:57,000
Speaker 3: The fuck now, I can't do anything that's Jamie lanistered himself.

1002
00:49:58,119 --> 00:50:01,880
Speaker 2: It was his jerkn it was his crank can.

1003
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:02,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, almost certainly.

1004
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:05,559
Speaker 2: So the rest of his life he's just going stranger. Yeah,

1005
00:50:05,559 --> 00:50:06,480
there's nothing wrong with that.

1006
00:50:07,119 --> 00:50:10,000
Speaker 1: So at this point, after sky Vola.

1007
00:50:11,599 --> 00:50:17,079
Speaker 2: Spiced to your own sexual masturbation, you're gonna get better

1008
00:50:17,159 --> 00:50:17,440
at it.

1009
00:50:17,519 --> 00:50:19,199
Speaker 1: You know, I am left handed, so I jerk off

1010
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:19,719
left handed.

1011
00:50:20,039 --> 00:50:21,480
Speaker 2: That's a true story here, mom.

1012
00:50:21,599 --> 00:50:23,239
Speaker 1: If you know what lefty, they jerk off left handed?

1013
00:50:23,519 --> 00:50:25,440
What if you write if anyone who writes left handed

1014
00:50:25,519 --> 00:50:27,960
jerks offliftenined gross guaranteed.

1015
00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 2: That's why they get all that fucking silver on their hands.

1016
00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:33,440
Speaker 3: Joking it.

1017
00:50:33,719 --> 00:50:39,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, So at this point, after sending Mukius now Mukius

1018
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:43,920
sky Vola out, the Etruscan king is like, I don't

1019
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:48,239
know if what he said was true, but that was

1020
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:51,360
so fucked up that I'm not going to risk it.

1021
00:50:52,599 --> 00:50:56,800
Holy shit, And poor Seedas sends ambassadors to Rome and

1022
00:50:56,880 --> 00:50:57,559
offers peace.

1023
00:50:58,360 --> 00:50:59,239
Speaker 3: Yukius did it.

1024
00:51:00,079 --> 00:51:03,000
Speaker 1: The terms were negotiated. There's you know, weird terms or whatever.

1025
00:51:03,239 --> 00:51:05,679
Porcine is like, can my guy have the throne? And

1026
00:51:05,719 --> 00:51:08,760
the Romans were like no, and he's like, all right,

1027
00:51:09,119 --> 00:51:10,679
fuck it, I don't want to deal with you. Anyway.

1028
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,760
The Romans did give a little bit, like they returned

1029
00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:17,559
some lands to the Etruscans, but the siegees lifted. The

1030
00:51:17,559 --> 00:51:19,159
Republic survived part of the deal.

1031
00:51:20,159 --> 00:51:23,519
Speaker 3: Yeah, dude, Mukia has got a free kill and got

1032
00:51:23,519 --> 00:51:26,639
the like negotiation. Yeah that's what.

1033
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:27,719
Speaker 2: Cost was his hand? All right?

1034
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:30,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, well and the worst pain you can ever imagine.

1035
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:31,440
I assume.

1036
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:35,400
Speaker 3: I'm sure he's fine. Caught a rise the moon. Probably

1037
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:37,880
no infections. I don't know how it works, but.

1038
00:51:38,199 --> 00:51:42,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, but here's the thing.

1039
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,159
Speaker 2: It's called mental toughness. Robbie wouldn't know about it.

1040
00:51:45,119 --> 00:51:51,920
Speaker 1: Wouldn't know about me about Mucius Skyvola and Romans being

1041
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:55,480
so tough. Dude, they used to be so tough. They

1042
00:51:55,519 --> 00:51:57,760
used to be so fucking tough, dude, Men used to

1043
00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:04,559
be men. Probably story mm hmm, probably fake, But he's

1044
00:52:04,599 --> 00:52:07,599
a fucking legend due Jorans don't know for sure. Romans

1045
00:52:07,639 --> 00:52:12,920
weren't really writing a lot down back then. It's basically

1046
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:16,159
a spoken legend the Roman period of literature. I mean

1047
00:52:16,159 --> 00:52:18,400
they were writing, they had writing, but it was they

1048
00:52:18,440 --> 00:52:20,280
weren't didn't really get down to writing a shit ton

1049
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:23,840
down until about two hundred years later. It's the war

1050
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,719
itself happened, but a lot of the stuff in the war,

1051
00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:32,360
including probably the bridge thing, more of a foundational propaganda

1052
00:52:32,440 --> 00:52:36,079
myth to help be like, we got so badass after

1053
00:52:36,119 --> 00:52:39,639
we went republic. Dude, dang it, it's got so fucking hard.

1054
00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 2: Not my boy, Muki is skuy Vola.

1055
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:51,880
Speaker 1: So just so you know, when someone tells you, dude,

1056
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:54,280
used to be so hard, I walked uphill both ways

1057
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:56,719
to school, blah blah fucking.

1058
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:57,960
Speaker 3: Blah, it's not written down.

1059
00:52:58,000 --> 00:52:59,199
Speaker 1: It's all fucking bullshit.

1060
00:53:00,639 --> 00:53:03,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's tough.

1061
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:06,199
Speaker 3: Maybe my great uncle's eye is real this whole time,

1062
00:53:06,239 --> 00:53:07,559
and that glass eye was fake.

1063
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:11,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, your great uncle is a liar. Fuck grandma's a liar.

1064
00:53:12,039 --> 00:53:13,480
Whatever you want to say. Damn it.

1065
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,760
Speaker 2: History is all lies. This entire show all nothing.

1066
00:53:16,840 --> 00:53:20,280
Speaker 1: But I haven't told said one real thing on this show.

1067
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:21,960
Speaker 2: It's written by the winners.

1068
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,599
Speaker 1: It is they said it. It was just funny me

1069
00:53:25,639 --> 00:53:28,000
though that I mean it is literally it's a This

1070
00:53:28,039 --> 00:53:32,159
is Rome's much cooler version of George Washington chopping down

1071
00:53:32,199 --> 00:53:32,840
a cherry tree.

1072
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:37,880
Speaker 2: Yeah right, Wait, that didn't happen either, allegedly. No, you're

1073
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:38,840
telling me Santa's not real.

1074
00:53:39,639 --> 00:53:42,280
Speaker 1: Uh No, Santa is real. For my children that are

1075
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:46,239
listening twenty years from now, Santa is real. No, I'm

1076
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,039
just kidding. I bought you all those gifts, you bastards.

1077
00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:52,960
Speaker 2: And he's hot. Santa's hot as hell hot Santa.

1078
00:53:53,079 --> 00:53:57,280
Speaker 1: Yeah. So it's probably a Roman foundational myth that future

1079
00:53:57,360 --> 00:54:00,880
Romans were like, dude, we gotta these hard asstitude motherfuckers were,

1080
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:04,559
and then other elements as hard as they were, We're

1081
00:54:04,559 --> 00:54:07,519
gonna be as hard as they were. We're not hard,

1082
00:54:08,039 --> 00:54:09,800
still not hard, never been hard.

1083
00:54:09,960 --> 00:54:13,960
Speaker 2: You gotta hype yourself up and your boys. If it

1084
00:54:14,039 --> 00:54:18,960
prevents violence, I guess there's a method to the madness.

1085
00:54:19,320 --> 00:54:23,400
There's a reason to lie. That's it's preventative.

1086
00:54:23,679 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 1: It's a Harvey Dent, right, He's not the hero we need.

1087
00:54:27,559 --> 00:54:30,079
He's the hero we deserve, but not the hero we need.

1088
00:54:30,199 --> 00:54:30,639
Right now.

1089
00:54:32,360 --> 00:54:35,800
Speaker 2: Most dudes that are like really buff and jacked, they

1090
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:39,599
can't fight. But it's all so you don't fight to

1091
00:54:39,639 --> 00:54:43,239
begin with, right, He's like he's huge. Yeah, you don't

1092
00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:43,840
want to try it.

1093
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:48,519
Speaker 3: Have you ever had one of those competitions with like

1094
00:54:48,519 --> 00:54:51,559
one of your boys on who's the toughest just as

1095
00:54:51,599 --> 00:54:53,519
a kid, anything like that.

1096
00:54:56,159 --> 00:54:58,480
Speaker 1: Me and another dude I went to grade school with

1097
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:01,880
for whatever. In like music class, do you remember the

1098
00:55:03,880 --> 00:55:09,039
those pens They were like really wet ink pins that

1099
00:55:09,199 --> 00:55:11,239
had like almost like a needle coming out of it

1100
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:12,800
was like a It wasn't like a bic. It was

1101
00:55:12,840 --> 00:55:15,559
like the Yeah, I forget what they're called. Uh. In

1102
00:55:15,679 --> 00:55:18,079
music class, we would just stab each other in the leg.

1103
00:55:17,920 --> 00:55:20,559
Speaker 2: With those Oh cool, it's pretty sick.

1104
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:22,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, just to see who could take it the most.

1105
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:27,960
Speaker 2: Yeah. We would do things like a junk ball, oh yeah,

1106
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,719
where you had to kind of just keep your your

1107
00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:34,840
legs wide open so your genitals were able to be

1108
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:38,000
hit with a tennis ball and you couldn't flinch.

1109
00:55:38,719 --> 00:55:39,840
Speaker 1: Yep, if you flinch, lose.

1110
00:55:40,320 --> 00:55:44,159
Speaker 2: But you just kept going and oh, last person to

1111
00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:45,320
quit wins.

1112
00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:48,360
Speaker 1: It's a fun game, yeah, just.

1113
00:55:48,239 --> 00:55:50,000
Speaker 2: Getting hit left, left, and right.

1114
00:55:50,159 --> 00:55:50,639
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1115
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:52,519
Speaker 2: I watched right in the set.

1116
00:55:52,400 --> 00:55:57,039
Speaker 3: I watched two grown men that were drunk, like a

1117
00:55:57,119 --> 00:55:58,760
stap where was brought out and they're like, oh, stay

1118
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:02,000
with my forehead right now. You know you won't staples

1119
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:04,760
a forehead. The other guy does the same, all staple

1120
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:07,960
in my tongue, staples each other's tongue. Oh, they go

1121
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:10,599
to the nipple and they go it was nipples not

1122
00:56:10,639 --> 00:56:13,320
as bad as tongue. Like then they like, you want

1123
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:15,639
to do dicks, and the like, let's do dicks. So

1124
00:56:15,679 --> 00:56:19,119
they staple their own dicks and then they're like, what

1125
00:56:19,159 --> 00:56:22,039
do we do next? Next logical thing was the butthole?

1126
00:56:22,039 --> 00:56:24,440
And so I saw two like one was like in

1127
00:56:24,480 --> 00:56:28,519
his probably thirties, one was early forties, uh like spread

1128
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:31,320
like bend over naked, and the other guy was like

1129
00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:34,760
like a surgical doctor getting that stapler in there and like, yes,

1130
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:36,280
smacking this dude's butthole and.

1131
00:56:36,239 --> 00:56:38,079
Speaker 2: He has a sea bag the rest of his life.

1132
00:56:38,599 --> 00:56:42,440
Speaker 1: It was inspiring. Yeah, that's a lot.

1133
00:56:43,159 --> 00:56:47,880
Speaker 3: That's and and they proved that their manliness very tough.

1134
00:56:48,119 --> 00:56:51,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was the weirdest thing I've ever see.

1135
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:55,039
Speaker 1: Where did you see this? The military? Yeah it was

1136
00:56:55,119 --> 00:56:55,639
the military.

1137
00:56:55,719 --> 00:56:57,639
Speaker 3: Yeah it was. It was like an actual squad leader.

1138
00:56:57,639 --> 00:56:59,519
And then another team leaders like these are are like

1139
00:56:59,599 --> 00:57:02,880
idols we looked up to for like direction and everything.

1140
00:57:03,519 --> 00:57:05,480
They couldn't like arm wrestle, and so so we had

1141
00:57:05,480 --> 00:57:07,199
a month long of like we weren't allowed to drink

1142
00:57:07,199 --> 00:57:09,360
because we got in trouble, and so the day we

1143
00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:13,440
were able to drink again was when that happened, and

1144
00:57:13,519 --> 00:57:14,960
it was five o'clock at night.

1145
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:17,679
Speaker 2: We were all just drunk by.

1146
00:57:17,519 --> 00:57:18,880
Speaker 1: The sun has not even gone down.

1147
00:57:19,039 --> 00:57:22,159
Speaker 2: Yeah, dude, that's why I can see clearly to this day.

1148
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:25,559
Just like one of our squad leaders just butthole, like

1149
00:57:26,159 --> 00:57:28,920
spreading his own cheeks, bent over, well fucking bleeding. Another

1150
00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:30,960
sergeant is just in there and hit.

1151
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:34,119
Speaker 1: Them with the stabler. Good for him.

1152
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:37,320
Speaker 3: They're both doing great today, are they imagine?

1153
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:38,199
Speaker 1: Oh they are.

1154
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:39,039
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1155
00:57:39,079 --> 00:57:41,280
Speaker 3: One of them is like, oh, he works on like

1156
00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:44,239
high rise, like like fixing or repairing or even just

1157
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:45,719
building high rises in Chicago.

1158
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:47,679
Speaker 2: Now, okay, I was gonna say they're the CEOs of

1159
00:57:47,719 --> 00:57:48,480
fortune five hundred.

1160
00:57:48,559 --> 00:57:52,440
Speaker 3: The other one is like, h like a fucking warden

1161
00:57:52,559 --> 00:57:52,800
or some.

1162
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:56,639
Speaker 2: Shit, a prison, Yeah, something crazy like that.

1163
00:57:56,639 --> 00:57:57,079
Speaker 1: That's fair.

1164
00:57:57,159 --> 00:57:59,079
Speaker 2: Yeah that sounds right though.

1165
00:57:59,199 --> 00:58:02,599
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Uh what you guys learn.

1166
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:06,239
Speaker 2: Today, man, I learned everything I've ever been.

1167
00:58:06,159 --> 00:58:14,360
Speaker 1: Told is bullshit. Maybe maybe certainly in terms of how

1168
00:58:14,519 --> 00:58:20,719
fucking I don't know, just valorizing the past is uh fraud.

1169
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:23,039
Speaker 2: Well, the further away you get from I'm saying, the

1170
00:58:23,039 --> 00:58:29,039
more you romanticize it typically, Yeah, yeah, what.

1171
00:58:29,039 --> 00:58:30,159
Speaker 1: Did you learn today, Scott?

1172
00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:33,360
Speaker 3: I learned that if a guy with a cool name

1173
00:58:33,840 --> 00:58:38,199
like pube Cock tells me to defend something, I'm doing

1174
00:58:38,239 --> 00:58:39,559
it and I'll probably survive.

1175
00:58:39,760 --> 00:58:42,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I have to do just back, get back, Yeah,

1176
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:45,559
have that the Yeah, I'm like, all right, well, I

1177
00:58:45,559 --> 00:58:46,719
don't want to get stabbed right now.

1178
00:58:46,719 --> 00:58:48,159
Speaker 3: I got forced to be here.

1179
00:58:48,199 --> 00:58:51,679
Speaker 1: So especially if you've already kind of won. Yeah, what

1180
00:58:51,679 --> 00:58:53,320
I mean, it's like I'm not gonna like I like

1181
00:58:53,639 --> 00:58:57,679
my favorite thing about the eighth episode of Band of

1182
00:58:57,719 --> 00:59:00,480
Brothers in particulars that like at that point they knew

1183
00:59:00,480 --> 00:59:02,480
the war was done, but they still have to keep

1184
00:59:02,559 --> 00:59:05,400
like moving forward and they're just like, yeah, we're not

1185
00:59:05,400 --> 00:59:08,000
trying to get killed anymore. Yeah, like we got we

1186
00:59:08,039 --> 00:59:09,880
get it with the Battle of the Bulge in D Day,

1187
00:59:09,920 --> 00:59:11,719
like you gotta tick riff. Now we're just kind of

1188
00:59:11,760 --> 00:59:15,559
like they're fucking losing, like we're bombing the fucking Christ

1189
00:59:15,559 --> 00:59:17,800
out of them. Yeah, let's just calm down.

1190
00:59:18,639 --> 00:59:23,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, who's in the game seeing how far you can

1191
00:59:23,599 --> 00:59:24,559
get away with a lie?

1192
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:29,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's all about just like origin story, you know

1193
00:59:29,559 --> 00:59:31,119
it's your it's your brand.

1194
00:59:31,599 --> 00:59:34,000
Speaker 2: This is my villain archy. Yeah.

1195
00:59:34,119 --> 00:59:39,960
Speaker 3: I think it's believing in yourself and historical facts that, yeah,

1196
00:59:40,079 --> 00:59:41,920
I believe are factual.

1197
00:59:41,840 --> 00:59:45,480
Speaker 2: What's in the game, saying the story over and over

1198
00:59:45,559 --> 00:59:47,159
and over again until it becomes truth.

1199
00:59:47,239 --> 00:59:50,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm repeating that you're a badass until it's fucking real.

1200
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:54,079
Speaker 3: And he's probably still alive to this day with his

1201
00:59:54,199 --> 00:59:55,320
arm just going.

1202
00:59:55,239 --> 00:59:56,119
Speaker 1: Just wanders around.

1203
00:59:56,199 --> 00:59:58,119
Speaker 2: I bet he talked himself to the point that he

1204
00:59:58,199 --> 01:00:00,559
believed it. He's like, yeah, that happened, Yeah, I did it.

1205
01:00:00,760 --> 01:00:01,119
Speaker 1: Definitely.

1206
01:00:01,119 --> 01:00:02,079
Speaker 2: He has a full arm.

1207
01:00:02,159 --> 01:00:02,320
Speaker 1: Doue.

1208
01:00:02,320 --> 01:00:04,880
Speaker 3: I burnt this arm off. Yeah, I grew back three

1209
01:00:04,920 --> 01:00:05,440
years ago.

1210
01:00:06,199 --> 01:00:07,039
Speaker 2: I'm a reptile.

1211
01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:12,119
Speaker 3: It's weird the reason you guys are still living currently.

1212
01:00:13,280 --> 01:00:13,960
Speaker 1: You're welcome.

1213
01:00:15,079 --> 01:00:17,360
Speaker 4: But yeah, that's all I got for today, dude, Scott,

1214
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:19,079
thanks for thanks for joining us.

1215
01:00:19,079 --> 01:00:20,960
Speaker 1: Thank you as always. Thank you guys.

1216
01:00:21,039 --> 01:00:24,280
Speaker 3: It's always fun, my favorite show to be on. It's great.

1217
01:00:24,519 --> 01:00:25,599
Speaker 2: Where can the people find you?

1218
01:00:25,719 --> 01:00:29,519
Speaker 3: Lastro Lopez on Instagram that's it perfect. Check out my

1219
01:00:29,559 --> 01:00:34,760
cool LARPing stuff and new love for Sabrina Carpenter. Everything

1220
01:00:34,760 --> 01:00:35,719
I do is for her now.

1221
01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:38,039
Speaker 1: Queen, I'd burn it off for her right hand in

1222
01:00:38,079 --> 01:00:38,719
the fire.

1223
01:00:39,639 --> 01:00:42,559
Speaker 3: I'd go left hand personally, but if she, if she

1224
01:00:42,639 --> 01:00:44,800
asked for my for my right hand, I would still have.

1225
01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:48,440
Speaker 1: To do like you see, this is ping. It's all

1226
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:49,079
for Sabrina.

1227
01:00:51,079 --> 01:00:52,760
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, she has a little spinster.

1228
01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:53,960
Speaker 1: I love her.

1229
01:00:54,639 --> 01:00:55,320
Speaker 2: How dare you?

1230
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:56,119
Speaker 1: How fuck you?

1231
01:00:56,199 --> 01:00:58,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's a tiny little girl. You just she's spin

1232
01:00:58,920 --> 01:00:59,440
on that thang.

1233
01:00:59,760 --> 01:01:02,880
Speaker 1: Spin. That's not what spinscer means. What is it like

1234
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:05,840
an old gross lady who no one could get or

1235
01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:06,559
no one wanted.

1236
01:01:07,639 --> 01:01:12,960
Speaker 2: Oh I have a totally different definition of spinner.

1237
01:01:13,039 --> 01:01:13,840
Speaker 3: Do the windmill on.

1238
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:16,360
Speaker 1: Aong with dude? It's a spinner.

1239
01:01:16,440 --> 01:01:19,239
Speaker 2: That's a dig Yeah yeah, I thought it was just

1240
01:01:19,239 --> 01:01:20,960
like a tiny girl you just throw around.

1241
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:26,320
Speaker 4: No, no, no, spinster, spinner, spinner a spinner Yeah, okay,

1242
01:01:26,880 --> 01:01:30,679
two different words, but if I if I just say

1243
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:33,280
spenser enough, it'll become that exactly.

1244
01:01:33,599 --> 01:01:36,360
Speaker 1: That's what you learned today. That's just saying enough. Yeah,

1245
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:39,280
for damn Regester and Scott Lopez, I'm round Fox.

1246
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:40,400
Speaker 2: You just got saf served