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<v Speaker 1>This is section eleven of The Gilded Age by Mark Twain.

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<v Speaker 1>This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Gilded Age,

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<v Speaker 1>A Tale of to Day by Mark Twain and C. D. Warner,

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<v Speaker 1>Chapter eleven. Two months had gone by, and the Hawkins

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<v Speaker 1>family were domiciled in Hawkeye. Washington was at work in

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<v Speaker 1>the real estate office again, and was alternately in paradise

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<v Speaker 1>or the other place, just as it happened that Louise

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<v Speaker 1>was gracious to him or seemingly indifferent, because indifference or

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<v Speaker 1>preoccupation could mean nothing else than that she was thinking

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<v Speaker 1>of some other young person. Colonel Sellars had asked him

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<v Speaker 1>several times to dine with him when he first returned

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<v Speaker 1>to Hawkeye, but Washington, for no particular reason, had not accepted,

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<v Speaker 1>no particular reason except one which he preferred to keep

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<v Speaker 1>to himself, viz. That he could not bear to be

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<v Speaker 1>away from Louise. It occurred to him now that the

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<v Speaker 1>Colonel had not invited him lately, could he be offended?

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<v Speaker 1>He resolved to go that very day and give the

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<v Speaker 1>colonel a pleasant surprise. It was a good idea, especially

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<v Speaker 1>as Louise had absented herself from breakfast that morning and

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<v Speaker 1>torn his heart. He would tear hers now and let

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<v Speaker 1>her see how it felt. The Seller's family were just

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<v Speaker 1>starting to dinner when Washington burst upon them with his surprise.

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<v Speaker 1>For an instant, the colonel looked nonplussed and just a

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<v Speaker 1>bit uncomfortable, and missus Sellers looked actually distressed. But the

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<v Speaker 1>next moment the head of the house was himself again

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<v Speaker 1>and exclaimed, all right, my boy, all right, always glad

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<v Speaker 1>to see you, always glad to hear your voice, and

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<v Speaker 1>take you by the hand. And don't wait for special invitations.

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<v Speaker 1>That's all nonsense among friends. Just come whenever you can,

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<v Speaker 1>and come as often as you can, the oftener the better.

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<v Speaker 1>You can't please us any better than that Washington. The

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<v Speaker 1>little woman will tell you so herself. We don't pretend

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<v Speaker 1>to style plain folks, you know, oh, plain folks, just

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<v Speaker 1>a plain family dinner. But such as it is, our

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<v Speaker 1>friends are always welcome. I reckon you know that yourself, Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>Run along, children, run along Lafayette. In those old days,

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<v Speaker 1>the average man called his children after his most revered

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<v Speaker 1>literary and historical idols. Consequently, there was hardly a family,

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<v Speaker 1>at least in the West, but had a Washington in it,

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<v Speaker 1>and also a Lafayette, a Franklin, and six or eight

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<v Speaker 1>sounding names from Byron Scott and the Bible. If the

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<v Speaker 1>offspring held out to visit such a family was to

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<v Speaker 1>find one's self confronted by a congress made up of

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<v Speaker 1>representatives of the imperial myths and the majestic dead of

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<v Speaker 1>all the ages. There was something thrilling about it to

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<v Speaker 1>a stranger, not to say or inspiring stand off the cattails, child,

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<v Speaker 1>can't you see what you're doing? Come? Come, come, rodri Da.

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<v Speaker 1>It isn't nice for little boys to hang on to

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<v Speaker 1>young gentlemen's coat tails, but never find him. Washington, he's

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<v Speaker 1>full of spirits and don't mean any harm. Children will

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<v Speaker 1>be children, you know. Take the chair next to missus Seller's.

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<v Speaker 1>Washington to tut Mary Antoinette. Let your brother have the

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<v Speaker 1>fork if he wants it. You are bigger than he is.

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<v Speaker 1>Washington contemplated the banquet and wondered, if he were in

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<v Speaker 1>his right mind, was this the plain family dinner, and

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<v Speaker 1>was at all present? It was soon apparent that this

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<v Speaker 1>was indeed the dinner. It was all on the table.

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<v Speaker 1>It consisted of abundance of clear fresh water and a

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<v Speaker 1>basin of raw turnips, nothing more. Washington stole a glance

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<v Speaker 1>at missus Seller's face and would have given the world

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<v Speaker 1>the next moment if he could have spared her that

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<v Speaker 1>the poor woman's face was crimson and the tears stood

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<v Speaker 1>in her eyes. Washington did not know what to do.

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<v Speaker 1>He wished he had never come there and spied out

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<v Speaker 1>this cruel poverty and brought pain to that poor little

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<v Speaker 1>lady's heart and shame to her cheek. But he was there,

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<v Speaker 1>and there was no escape. Colonel Sellers hitched back his coat,

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<v Speaker 1>sleeves airily from his wrists, as who should say now

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<v Speaker 1>for solid enjoyment, seized a fork, flourished it, and began

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<v Speaker 1>to harpoon turnips and deposit them in the plates before him.

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<v Speaker 1>Let me help you, Washington. Lafayette passed this plate to Washington. Ah, well, well,

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<v Speaker 1>my boy, things are looking pretty bright now, I tell you,

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<v Speaker 1>speculation by the whole atmosphere's full of money. I wouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>take three fortunes for one little operation I've got on hand. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>have anything from the casters? No, well, you're right, you're right.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people like mustard with turnips. But now there was

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<v Speaker 1>Baron Poniatowsky, Lord, But that man did know how to

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<v Speaker 1>live true Russian. You know, Russian to the backbone. I

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<v Speaker 1>say to my wife, give me a Russian every time

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<v Speaker 1>for a table. Comrade. The baron used to say, take mustard, sellars,

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<v Speaker 1>try the mustard. A man can't know what turnips are

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<v Speaker 1>in perfection without mustard. But I always said, no, Baron,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a plain man, and I want my food plain.

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<v Speaker 1>None of your embellishments for Barria cellars. No made dishes

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<v Speaker 1>for me. And it's the best way. High living kills

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<v Speaker 1>more than it cures in this world. You can rest

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<v Speaker 1>assured of that. Yes, indeed, Washington, I've got one little

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<v Speaker 1>operation on hand that take some more water. Help yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>won't you help yourself? There's plenty of it. You'll find

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<v Speaker 1>it pretty good. I guess, how does that fruit strike you?

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<v Speaker 1>Washington did not know that he had ever tasted better.

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<v Speaker 1>He did not add that he detested turnips even when

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<v Speaker 1>they were cooked, loathed them in their natural state. No,

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<v Speaker 1>he kept this to himself and praised the turnips to

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<v Speaker 1>the peril of his soul. I thought you'd like them.

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<v Speaker 1>Examine them, Examine them. They'll bear it. See how perfectly

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<v Speaker 1>firm and juicy they are. They can't start any like

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<v Speaker 1>them in this part of the country. I can tell you.

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<v Speaker 1>These are from New Jersey. I imported them myself. They

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<v Speaker 1>cost like sin too, But Lord bless me. I go

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<v Speaker 1>in for having the best of a thing, even if

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<v Speaker 1>it does cost a little more. It's the best economy

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<v Speaker 1>in the long run. These are the early Malcolm. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a turnip that can't be produced except in just one orchard,

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<v Speaker 1>and the supply never is up to the demand. Take

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<v Speaker 1>some more water, Washington. You can't drink too much water

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<v Speaker 1>with fruit. All the doctors say that the plague can't

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<v Speaker 1>come where this article is, my boy? Plague? What plague?

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<v Speaker 1>What plague? Indeed, why the Asiatic plague that nearly depopulated

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<v Speaker 1>London a couple of centuries ago? But how does that

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<v Speaker 1>concern us? There is no plague here, I reckon sh

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<v Speaker 1>I've let it out. Well, never mind, just keep it

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<v Speaker 1>to yourself. Perhaps I oughtn't said anything, but it's bound

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<v Speaker 1>to come out sooner or later. So what is the odds?

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<v Speaker 1>Old McDowell's wouldn't like me to bother it all. I'll

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<v Speaker 1>just tell the whole thing and let it go. You see,

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<v Speaker 1>I've been down to Saint Louis and I happen to

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<v Speaker 1>run across old Doctor mc dowells thinks the world of me,

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<v Speaker 1>does the doctor. He's a man that keeps himself to himself,

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<v Speaker 1>and well he may, for he knows that he's got

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<v Speaker 1>a reputation that covers the whole earth. He won't condescend

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<v Speaker 1>to open himself out to many people. But Lord bless you,

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<v Speaker 1>he and I are just like brothers. He won't let

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<v Speaker 1>me go to a hotel when I'm in the city,

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<v Speaker 1>says I'm the only man that's company to him. And

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. But there's some truth in it too,

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<v Speaker 1>because although I never like to glorify myself and make

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<v Speaker 1>a great to do over what I am, or what

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<v Speaker 1>I can do or what I know, I don't mind

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<v Speaker 1>saying here among friends that I am better read up

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<v Speaker 1>in most sciences, maybe than the general run of professional

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<v Speaker 1>men in these days. Well, the other day he let

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<v Speaker 1>me into a little secret, strictly on the quiet, about

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<v Speaker 1>this matter of the plague. You see, it's booming right

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<v Speaker 1>along in our direction, follows the Gulf stream, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>just as all those epidemics do. And within three months.

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<v Speaker 1>It will be just waltzing through this land like a whirlwind.

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<v Speaker 1>And whoever it touches can make his will and contract

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<v Speaker 1>for the funeral. Well, you can't cure it, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>but you can prevent it. How Turnips, that's it. Turnips

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<v Speaker 1>and water. Nothing like it in the world. Old mc

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<v Speaker 1>dowells said, just fill yourself up two or three times

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<v Speaker 1>a day, and you can snap your fingers at the plague.

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<v Speaker 1>Sha keep mum, But just you confine yourself to that

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<v Speaker 1>diet and you're all right. I wouldn't have old mc

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<v Speaker 1>dowells know that I told about it for anything. He

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<v Speaker 1>never would speak to me again. Take some more water, Washington.

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<v Speaker 1>The more water you drink, the better. Here. Let me

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<v Speaker 1>give you some more of the turnips. No, no, no, no, now,

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<v Speaker 1>I insist there. Now. Absorb those. They're mighty sustaining brim

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<v Speaker 1>full of nutriment. All the medical books say so. Just

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<v Speaker 1>eat from four to seven good sized turnips at a meal,

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<v Speaker 1>and drink from a pint and a half to a

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<v Speaker 1>quart of water, and then just sit around a couple

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<v Speaker 1>of hours and let them ferment. You'll feel like a

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<v Speaker 1>fighting cock next day, fifteen or twenty minutes later, the

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<v Speaker 1>colonel's tongue was still chattering away. He had piled up

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<v Speaker 1>several future fortunes out of several incipient operations which he

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<v Speaker 1>had blundered into within the past week, and was now

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<v Speaker 1>soaring along through some brilliant expectations born of late promising

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<v Speaker 1>experiments upon the lacking ingredient of the eye water. And

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<v Speaker 1>at such a time Washington ought to have been a

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<v Speaker 1>rapt and enthusiastic listener. But he was not, for two

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<v Speaker 1>matters disturbed his mind and distracted his attention. One was

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<v Speaker 1>that he discovered, to his confusion and shame, that in

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<v Speaker 1>allowing himself to be helped a second time to the turnips,

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<v Speaker 1>he had robbed those hungry children. He had not needed

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<v Speaker 1>the dreadful fruit, and had not wanted it. And when

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<v Speaker 1>he saw the pathetic sorrow in their faces when they

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<v Speaker 1>asked for more and there was no more to give them,

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<v Speaker 1>he hated himself for his stupidity, and pitied the famishing

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<v Speaker 1>young things with all his heart. The other matter that

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<v Speaker 1>disturbed him was the dire inflation that had begun in

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<v Speaker 1>his stomach. It grew and grew, it became more and

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<v Speaker 1>more insupportable. Evidently the turnips were fermenting. He forced himself

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<v Speaker 1>to sit still as long as he could, but his

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<v Speaker 1>anguish conquered him. At last he rose in the midst

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<v Speaker 1>of the colonel's talk and excused himself on the plea

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<v Speaker 1>of a previous engagement. The colonel followed him to the door,

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<v Speaker 1>promising over and over again that he would use his

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<v Speaker 1>influence to get some of the early malcolms for him,

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<v Speaker 1>and insisting that he should not be such a stranger,

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<v Speaker 1>but come and take pot luck with him every chance

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<v Speaker 1>he got. Washington was glad enough to get away and

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<v Speaker 1>feel free again. He immediately bent his steps towards home.

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<v Speaker 1>In bed, he passed an hour that threatened to turn

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<v Speaker 1>his hair gray, and then a blessed calm settled down

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<v Speaker 1>upon him that filled his heart with gratitude. Weak and languid,

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<v Speaker 1>he made shift to turn himself about and seek rest

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<v Speaker 1>and sleep, And as his soul hovered upon the brink

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<v Speaker 1>of unconsciousness, he heaved a long, deep sigh and said

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<v Speaker 1>to himself that in his heart he had cursed the

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<v Speaker 1>colonel's preventive of rheumatism before, and now let the plague

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<v Speaker 1>come if it must. He was done with preventatives. If

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<v Speaker 1>ever any man beguiled him with turnips and water, again,

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<v Speaker 1>let him die the death. If he dreamed of all

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<v Speaker 1>that night, no gossiping spirit disturbed his visions to whisper

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<v Speaker 1>in his ear of certain matters just then in Bud

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<v Speaker 1>in the east, more than a thousand miles away, that

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<v Speaker 1>after the lapse of a few years, would develop influences

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<v Speaker 1>which would profoundly affect the fate and fortunes of the

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<v Speaker 1>Hawkins family. End of Chapter eleven.