WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:03.080 Hey, everybody, and welcome to the best ever you show. 2 00:00:03.399 --> 00:00:07.040 I'm your host, Elizabeth here with new author Amber wardel 3 00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:07.679 How are you. 4 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:08.960 I'm doing great? 5 00:00:08.960 --> 00:00:11.279 How are you good? Thank you? Thank you for being 6 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:13.880 here teaching us all about your new book. I don't 7 00:00:13.880 --> 00:00:15.160 know if you have a copy or not with you, 8 00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:17.320 but I'll just tell everybody the copy of There you go, 9 00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:18.239 I see you, How I do. 10 00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:19.600 I'm either. 11 00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:23.440 It's got potato chips on the cover, probably one of 12 00:00:23.480 --> 00:00:25.640 the first books ever to have potato chips on the cover. 13 00:00:25.719 --> 00:00:27.199 I was going to sit here and like eat Dorito's 14 00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:28.960 the whole time I was talking to you. But help 15 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:32.200 beyond beyond self care potato chips. We're going to learn 16 00:00:32.200 --> 00:00:36.039 about why you titled it that here. But welcome, Welcome, welcome. 17 00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:37.960 Thank you so much for having me. It's it's a 18 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:39.000 real pleasure to be here. 19 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:40.679 Yeah. What's it like being a new author. 20 00:00:43.640 --> 00:00:46.280 It's been really exciting, as you know, It's like it's 21 00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:49.479 it's a bunch of emotions all tied up together. And 22 00:00:49.560 --> 00:00:52.039 I was just reflecting on this this morning, that you know, 23 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:54.679 this book, I finished writing it almost two years ago, 24 00:00:54.840 --> 00:00:57.679 and I feel like I'm almost a completely different person, 25 00:00:57.759 --> 00:01:01.399 Like I said a few ambers ago wrote this, and 26 00:01:02.119 --> 00:01:05.079 so it's interesting though. It's really cool to get to 27 00:01:05.159 --> 00:01:08.480 re experience the book now, like as it's coming out, 28 00:01:08.519 --> 00:01:10.719 you know that feeling of like you're falling back in 29 00:01:10.760 --> 00:01:12.840 love with it because it's finally coming out. 30 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:16.400 So that's been really cool. I've been enjoying that process. 31 00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:18.359 It takes a while for books to come out, doesn't it. 32 00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:20.879 From when you sign that contract. What's that moment? Like, 33 00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:22.480 what was that like for You're like, oh my god, 34 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:23.200 I got a book deal? 35 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:26.280 Okay, oh man, it was really great. Do you mind 36 00:01:26.280 --> 00:01:28.719 if I tell a little story about my agent first? 37 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:29.959 Please tell everything. 38 00:01:30.680 --> 00:01:33.519 So when I was first shopping around looking for an agent, 39 00:01:33.640 --> 00:01:36.439 I had a completely different book than this one. It 40 00:01:36.480 --> 00:01:41.599 was a book about my miscarriages and spiritual warfare and 41 00:01:41.680 --> 00:01:46.319 kind of my journey through my face through that. And 42 00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:49.719 so I was shopping that book around and the agent 43 00:01:49.760 --> 00:01:52.719 that I wanted, her name was Rachelle Gardner. She was 44 00:01:52.719 --> 00:01:56.400 my top choice, and she got back to me almost 45 00:01:56.439 --> 00:01:59.760 immediately and she was like it's a no. 46 00:02:01.000 --> 00:02:02.640 And I was like, no, do you love that? 47 00:02:03.359 --> 00:02:05.319 Yeah? She was like it's a no, but do you 48 00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:07.120 have time for a phone call? I would really love 49 00:02:07.159 --> 00:02:09.159 to talk to you. And I was like, okay, you know, 50 00:02:09.280 --> 00:02:12.719 never never not take an opportunity. So I got on 51 00:02:12.759 --> 00:02:14.639 the phone with her and she's like, listen, I actually 52 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:17.879 follow you on TikTok, and I love your voice, I 53 00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:19.759 love your message. I love the things that you talk 54 00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:23.039 about on your platform which have nothing to do with 55 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:25.319 this book you're trying to publish. 56 00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:27.360 And so she said, do you. 57 00:02:27.319 --> 00:02:30.159 Have any ideas that might be more aligned with what 58 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:32.599 you talk about on your platforms, because I think I would, 59 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:36.000 I would want to represent that. So it was the 60 00:02:36.039 --> 00:02:38.599 next day I pitched self Care Potato Chips to her 61 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.520 and she said, yes, yes, I want it, and so 62 00:02:41.560 --> 00:02:44.439 she signed me and then, you know, I got it 63 00:02:44.439 --> 00:02:48.400 written within about six months, and we pitched it and 64 00:02:48.439 --> 00:02:51.520 when HCI picked it up, that was probably one of 65 00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:52.560 the best days of my life. 66 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:54.759 Yeah. I have that feeling too, like this is just 67 00:02:54.800 --> 00:02:58.159 a great life, the best day of your life. How 68 00:02:58.199 --> 00:02:59.159 to explain, right. 69 00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:01.840 But man, you I've had books on best seller lists 70 00:03:01.879 --> 00:03:04.479 like I can't even imagine what that's like. 71 00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:07.560 Well, you know, I switched though, you know, I switched 72 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:11.039 over from Hayhouse to HCI, and I wasn't sure when 73 00:03:11.080 --> 00:03:13.800 I got my agent, you know, through that process, if 74 00:03:13.800 --> 00:03:16.000 anybody was going to pick me up either or take 75 00:03:16.039 --> 00:03:18.719 my ideas or switch them or do whatever. So I 76 00:03:18.960 --> 00:03:21.439 get the feeling it's get I understand what you're saying. 77 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:24.719 I mean, it's it's it's it's tricky out there, and 78 00:03:24.919 --> 00:03:26.680 you know, I think this totally aligns with who you. 79 00:03:26.759 --> 00:03:29.759 I've been watching you on TikTok and now Instagram and 80 00:03:29.879 --> 00:03:33.599 seeing your bright, smiley face every day and listening to 81 00:03:33.639 --> 00:03:37.240 what you're saying, and you know, and you know, I'm 82 00:03:37.319 --> 00:03:39.599 I think I'm probably way older than you. I'm I 83 00:03:39.719 --> 00:03:44.080 just turned fifty five, and I relate. And it's cool 84 00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:47.879 because I think you have a message that is transcending 85 00:03:47.879 --> 00:03:50.560 all ages and spaces and places and things like that. 86 00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:52.680 So I'm pretty happy to have you on Best every 87 00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:55.280 year because I know, I know that you're aware of that, 88 00:03:56.280 --> 00:03:59.439 and you're not just peered toward people your age, you know, 89 00:03:59.560 --> 00:04:01.400 some of us. I look back and I was reading 90 00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:03.199 your book. I'm like, and they're done that, and they're 91 00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:05.840 done that, and they're done that. A little bit I 92 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:07.800 asked my husband, like, how do I go onto this 93 00:04:07.879 --> 00:04:10.080 show without a ben? They're done that attitude. I'm like, 94 00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:13.439 I'm not doing that. I want to hear what you 95 00:04:13.520 --> 00:04:16.959 have to say because I completely relate to you, though. 96 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:18.399 I just want you to know that, but I don't 97 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:20.120 have a been there, done that. There's a lot of 98 00:04:20.160 --> 00:04:23.519 things that you're doing that I haven't done, you know, 99 00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:26.319 a whole There are almost a million people following you 100 00:04:26.399 --> 00:04:30.639 on TikTok right now listening to your navigating your life 101 00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:34.839 with children, your husband, you're you know, you're an author, 102 00:04:34.920 --> 00:04:38.360 you have your I want to say therapist. I don't 103 00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:39.800 know if that's the exact right word, but you know 104 00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:44.120 it's actually doctor. Yes, there's a PhD that goes with 105 00:04:44.160 --> 00:04:48.680 you as well here in other things. So yeah, it's 106 00:04:48.720 --> 00:04:49.360 just amazing. 107 00:04:49.439 --> 00:04:52.920 So when I say I'm sorry, can I say I 108 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:55.399 appreciate that so much because you know, so I'm going 109 00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.759 to be forty in January. My husband is fifteen years 110 00:04:58.839 --> 00:05:03.240 older than me, so he's in his fifties. And when 111 00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:05.519 I was writing the book, I very much have this 112 00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:09.040 millennial mindset, right, I'm like, oh, I identify as a millennial, 113 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:12.040 and so when I was writing a book, it's very 114 00:05:12.120 --> 00:05:14.959 much geared toward millennial women, and even on the back 115 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:18.120 cover copy. It talks about, you know, millennial women and 116 00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:21.680 the publicists that I'm working with. We had a phone 117 00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:23.560 call the other day and she was like, she's your agent. 118 00:05:23.639 --> 00:05:26.519 She said, why are you Why are you positioning this 119 00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:29.120 towards millennials? And I said, well, because I am one, 120 00:05:29.319 --> 00:05:31.000 and I feel like I'm probably not going to be 121 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:36.000 super relatable to other people. And she said, I resonate 122 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:39.920 with this, and that meant so much to me because 123 00:05:41.639 --> 00:05:43.759 my next project that I'm working on is called Brave 124 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:47.839 Beyond Thirty, and I'm talking about what it's like navigating 125 00:05:47.959 --> 00:05:51.839 getting older, aging out of the male gaze and the 126 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:55.800 invisibility that seems to come with that, and how getting 127 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:58.199 older is this strange paradox of on the one hand, 128 00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:02.480 feeling more confident and and knowing yourself better than you 129 00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:06.000 ever have, and on the other hand, dealing with some 130 00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:09.360 confidence issues that are imposed on you by the world 131 00:06:09.399 --> 00:06:10.439 that aren't even yours. 132 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:12.199 And so it means a lot. 133 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.040 Like clearly into something that the mail case is still there, 134 00:06:15.079 --> 00:06:19.120 the males are just a little older, just butting you know, 135 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:25.360 it doesn't go away. It's a different generation just ages 136 00:06:25.439 --> 00:06:28.759 right on with you. For some reason. It's like wow, 137 00:06:28.399 --> 00:06:32.240 any but as a human being who's taken. You know, 138 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:34.800 I have this chapter in one of my books somewhere. 139 00:06:34.839 --> 00:06:36.879 I don't know where I wrote it exactly, but you know, 140 00:06:36.920 --> 00:06:39.839 I'm taking phone calls in my walk in closet. The 141 00:06:39.920 --> 00:06:42.240 kids are like two, four, six, and eight, and I'm like, 142 00:06:42.279 --> 00:06:44.600 I just need a second, you know kind of thing. 143 00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:47.279 And it's it's that kind of you know, we're navigating 144 00:06:47.319 --> 00:06:50.240 that with with tiny children. I was reading. I was 145 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:53.160 reading something where I think it's maybe the end of 146 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:55.279 your book. Actually, not to give it away everybody, but 147 00:06:55.319 --> 00:06:58.079 we'll go there spoiler alert, but yeah, there's a book. 148 00:06:58.120 --> 00:07:01.000 You know, it's a whole chapter, whole and I'm going 149 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:03.000 to forgive myself in this moment because here's what I 150 00:07:03.079 --> 00:07:07.360 just did. I have a lot of those moments, you know. 151 00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:11.160 You know, my kids are twenty, they're twenty. How old 152 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:14.240 are they this year? They're twenty three, twenty five, twenty seven, 153 00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:17.480 and twenty nine now, all with their master's degrees. We've 154 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:20.839 got you know, girlfriends and fiances and all this stuff happening, 155 00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:25.680 and it's just it's just different. But you still at 156 00:07:25.720 --> 00:07:27.680 moments you know, they'll teach you something or you know 157 00:07:27.720 --> 00:07:28.800 it's a constant learning. 158 00:07:29.560 --> 00:07:31.879 Yeah, I think, yeah, oh for sure. 159 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:34.360 And I'm looking I'm looking forward to those years. You know, 160 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:38.240 there's this funny it's it's weird in motherhood spaces because 161 00:07:38.279 --> 00:07:42.279 sometimes you see this almost like a split between moms 162 00:07:42.279 --> 00:07:44.439 of older kids and moms of younger kids, and there's 163 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:47.040 this weird sense of competition of who has it harder, 164 00:07:47.439 --> 00:07:50.519 and it's like, I think it's probably all hard. I 165 00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:53.199 think it's probably all hard. It's just a different hard. 166 00:07:53.639 --> 00:07:56.319 And you know, I'm going to very much appre my 167 00:07:56.399 --> 00:07:58.199 kids are six and eight. I'm going to very much 168 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:02.439 appreciate them being a little bit older and not as 169 00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:06.120 dependent on me for everything. And it's going to be 170 00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:10.680 really hard navigating their relationships and their heartaches and them 171 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:12.519 driving away for the first. 172 00:08:12.199 --> 00:08:13.519 Time, and like all these things. 173 00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:16.600 It's just it's it's hard, and it comes with it's 174 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:22.800 it's it comes with so much self doubt and so much. 175 00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:28.079 There's no manual for it. You're navigating as you go 176 00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:30.240 through the best that you can do with what to me, 177 00:08:30.480 --> 00:08:32.600 like with what your experiences are to that date or 178 00:08:32.639 --> 00:08:35.639 what you don't want to repeat. Yeah, sort of, But 179 00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:38.600 we had a block party this past weekend. And I 180 00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:40.960 wouldn't say we're the grandparents on the block because we 181 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:42.679 don't have any grandkids yet, but we're one of the 182 00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:45.000 older We've been here for twenty one years and the 183 00:08:45.039 --> 00:08:47.039 families have turned over. So there were lots of tiny 184 00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:49.720 kids running around. There's an older couple, there's us, there's 185 00:08:49.720 --> 00:08:52.600 another older couple. But the kid you know. So everybody 186 00:08:52.679 --> 00:08:54.799 was you know, thirty on up to eighty, and we 187 00:08:54.840 --> 00:08:56.679 were all sitting around in a circle with fire with 188 00:08:56.720 --> 00:08:59.679 everybody's kids or grandkids running around in the dark, plane 189 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:03.480 flashlight tag and all this stuff, and everybody could relate 190 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:05.399 to all of the different things that were going on 191 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:09.159 right now, you know, and they were asking, well, where 192 00:09:09.159 --> 00:09:13.000 are your kids anyway, Like, well, one's asleep avoiding this party. 193 00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:17.759 Ones in Germany, ones you know here there, you know 194 00:09:17.799 --> 00:09:19.559 that kind of thing. But you know, we heated the 195 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:21.879 pool up to like ninety almost and had all the 196 00:09:21.960 --> 00:09:24.360 kids over for a pool party, and it was so 197 00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:27.240 much fun to have little kids. So even when you 198 00:09:27.279 --> 00:09:29.480 get older, you missed the little kids when you're younger. 199 00:09:29.559 --> 00:09:31.840 When you're younger, you're like, gosh, I wish they'd grow up. 200 00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:36.559 Good luck. Yeah, finding that you just have to almost 201 00:09:36.720 --> 00:09:39.039 I keep thinking, you just have to almost enjoy every moment. 202 00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:44.440 And that didn't dawn on me though, until I dropped 203 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.440 the first one off at college. The first one off 204 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:50.559 at college and there were three younger ones. I went, oh, 205 00:09:50.600 --> 00:09:51.720 did I do this all? Right? 206 00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:52.960 Yeah? 207 00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:55.720 I had a home like a That was then I 208 00:09:55.720 --> 00:09:57.960 wrote the Change Guidebook and I talked about how he 209 00:09:58.000 --> 00:09:59.720 didn't do his sheets for the year and stuff like that. 210 00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:02.919 But I really had a hiccup right here, going did 211 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:05.480 I do everything? Okay? Did I fail this child? Have 212 00:10:05.519 --> 00:10:08.759 I been a horrible mother? Am I? Okay? Am I? Oh? 213 00:10:08.840 --> 00:10:10.080 Yeah yeah? 214 00:10:10.279 --> 00:10:12.279 And I'm telling you do that in your book though. 215 00:10:12.600 --> 00:10:14.320 Well, thank you, And that's what I wanted to bring 216 00:10:14.360 --> 00:10:16.559 that through in the book to talk about it, particularly 217 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:18.879 in the chapters on motherhood that, like, like you said, 218 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:21.840 there is no manual, there is so much pressure to 219 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.960 be a perfect parent, to do it all the right way, 220 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:28.080 and what is right is constantly changing. So oh, we're 221 00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:30.799 all okay, we're all supposed to be gentle parenting. Oh no, 222 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:33.519 now there's some research that gentle parenting actually has some 223 00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:35.559 negative consequences, and we've got to move back this way 224 00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:38.039 and you're trying to navigate all of that. At the 225 00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:41.600 end of the day, you're doing fine. You know, you're 226 00:10:41.720 --> 00:10:45.840 just doing fine. And the self forgiveness, the self compassion 227 00:10:45.960 --> 00:10:48.559 is so important because you're never going to do it perfectly, 228 00:10:48.600 --> 00:10:51.080 so you just have to trust yourself to do the 229 00:10:51.120 --> 00:10:53.879 best with what you know and learn on your feet. 230 00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:56.919 You know, Well, I think I long winded that I 231 00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:58.679 really would have liked to have had this book when 232 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:01.200 my kids were smaller, because I would have felt like, Okay, 233 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:03.399 I'm not alone in all of these different moments of 234 00:11:04.360 --> 00:11:07.600 insecurity and unsure with my you know, just you made 235 00:11:07.639 --> 00:11:09.960 up words and I just probably made some up to 236 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:14.039 you know, you're just unsure of yourself, and you know, 237 00:11:14.120 --> 00:11:17.799 it's just it's hard and everybody's different and every family 238 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:20.039 is different, and there's no one size fits all way 239 00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:22.919 to parent kids or be a parent, or be married 240 00:11:23.000 --> 00:11:28.080 or anything. So tell me about the chip thing. Why 241 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:30.759 are their potato chips on this book? And what does 242 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:33.559 beyond self care potato chips mean? 243 00:11:34.279 --> 00:11:38.960 Okay, so this was this actually came from my therapist. Oh. 244 00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:39.759 I love my therapist. 245 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:42.320 I've been with him for three or four years now, 246 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:44.759 and I went to him because we had had a 247 00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:49.000 family crisis and I had sought him out to get 248 00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:51.879 help for this family member, and then that family member 249 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:55.919 declined the help. And so while I'm in contact with 250 00:11:55.960 --> 00:11:58.600 this therapist and now this family member is declining the help, 251 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:00.679 I was like, can I come, Can I just can 252 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:01.600 I take that appointment? 253 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:02.799 And he was like yeah, sure, So I. 254 00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:06.320 Came and and he's gotten me through a lot, through 255 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:09.279 my separation from my husband and then through our reconciliation 256 00:12:09.480 --> 00:12:12.080 and doing my inner child work and all like that. 257 00:12:12.279 --> 00:12:14.879 But there was a day where I was sitting, you know, 258 00:12:14.919 --> 00:12:16.919 sitting there in therapy with him, and he said, Amber, 259 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:19.399 you can't get full on self care potato chips. 260 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:23.639 And I was like, say that again, and he. 261 00:12:23.639 --> 00:12:26.440 Said, you know, he said, you know, you keep looking 262 00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:30.360 for these little these little morsels of things that are 263 00:12:30.360 --> 00:12:32.879 going to fill you up, things that you think will 264 00:12:32.879 --> 00:12:35.679 make you feel good, but they're not going to because 265 00:12:35.720 --> 00:12:39.320 you're not actually taking care of yourself. You know, you're 266 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:42.440 putting on the veneer of taking care of yourself. You're 267 00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:46.120 you know, you're you're you put on makeup every day, 268 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:48.679 you shower every day, you you know, go on walks, 269 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:50.639 you exercise, and all like that, and that's all great. 270 00:12:50.679 --> 00:12:53.600 He was like, that's it's not to minimize those things, 271 00:12:54.440 --> 00:12:58.919 but doing those things without going deeper, doing things that 272 00:12:59.039 --> 00:13:03.279 are hard, you know, learning how to do battle with 273 00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:06.600 your inner demons, heal your inner child, set your boundaries, 274 00:13:06.600 --> 00:13:10.440 communicate your needs. Those are actual. That's self care, that's 275 00:13:10.480 --> 00:13:13.159 the real self care. And it had rolled off of 276 00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:16.519 his tongue and I asked him. I was like, did 277 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:18.799 you just is that? Is that something that y'all talk 278 00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:20.080 about in therapy spaces? 279 00:13:20.120 --> 00:13:20.679 Is that a term? 280 00:13:20.679 --> 00:13:22.159 And he said no, I just kind of came up 281 00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:24.879 with it. So as I was thinking of the concept 282 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:27.440 for the book, that phrase just kept coming to my mind, 283 00:13:27.480 --> 00:13:29.360 and so I reached out to my therapist and I said, 284 00:13:29.480 --> 00:13:32.799 would you mind if I use this for the title 285 00:13:32.840 --> 00:13:35.000 of my book and he was like, yeah, go ahead, 286 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.840 that would be amazing. So I initially titled it just 287 00:13:38.200 --> 00:13:41.799 self care potato Chips, and everyone was like, you got 288 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:44.159 to put something in there in front of that so 289 00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:46.600 that people don't think you're advocating for the self care 290 00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:50.039 potato chip. So then it became beyond self care potato chips. 291 00:13:50.039 --> 00:13:53.440 But the metaphor is essentially like you can keep going 292 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:56.080 to the closet and pulling out potato chips, and you 293 00:13:56.120 --> 00:13:58.759 will eat that entire bag and you'll be done, and 294 00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:01.919 you'll feel bloated, and maybe you'll feel a little bit 295 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:05.039 emotionally better because you just ate this food that just 296 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.559 feels good. But you're going to be hungry again in 297 00:14:08.440 --> 00:14:11.159 just less than an hour. Then you're gonna have to 298 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:15.159 go feed yourself again, and you're not actually nourishing anything. 299 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:18.399 It's just empty calories. And so what I talk about 300 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:22.639 in the book is what nourishing self care is self care. 301 00:14:22.679 --> 00:14:25.879 Potato chips are fine, and they're good, but you gotta 302 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:27.720 do the You got to get the casse role in 303 00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:28.399 there too. 304 00:14:29.759 --> 00:14:34.360 The vitamins with the chips. Yeah, so what what does 305 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:36.440 that mean? What did what did you put in the 306 00:14:36.440 --> 00:14:40.759 book that is going to teach us to actually self care? 307 00:14:40.759 --> 00:14:42.480 Because you know, I think people do think that, just 308 00:14:42.519 --> 00:14:44.759 like with a gratitude journal, people write five things they're 309 00:14:44.799 --> 00:14:46.559 grateful for and be done with it and walk away 310 00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:48.639 and things like that. But I like the I like 311 00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:52.840 this type of stuff on autopilot, so it becomes who 312 00:14:52.919 --> 00:14:55.480 you are as a method of how you operate. You 313 00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:57.200 learn it and learn it and learn it and learn it, 314 00:14:57.240 --> 00:14:59.440 and then you are like, Okay, this is who I am, 315 00:14:59.559 --> 00:15:02.679 this is the I am. But it's tough to get there, 316 00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:05.559 isn't it, especially with the whole boundary thing and saying 317 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:08.600 what you really want without making somebody else mad or 318 00:15:08.759 --> 00:15:13.039 feel bad or you feel bad or you know. Yeah. 319 00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:15.440 And I thought it was interesting. I was watching one 320 00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:18.320 of your tiktoks and you you were talking about your 321 00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:23.080 the four four four newsletter, and you were you spoke 322 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:26.480 about how there's four things for self, four things for humanity, 323 00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:29.679 four journal prompts, and four affirmations, and you said in 324 00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:31.679 the middle of that, you said, I know some of 325 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:33.919 you guys say everything I talk about is just puppies 326 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:36.159 and rainbows. So if you want, you can journal about 327 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:39.120 something you know, negative if you want, But this is positive. 328 00:15:39.159 --> 00:15:42.200 And I just was so struck by that, because I 329 00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:47.200 do think people want to kind of they want to 330 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:53.240 vilify growth mindset and positive mindset. It seems like nobody 331 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:55.440 likes a happy person in the same way that they say, 332 00:15:55.799 --> 00:15:59.039 like everyone everyone loves a baby and hates an old man. 333 00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:01.399 In some ways, when I was getting the most reach 334 00:16:01.480 --> 00:16:03.879 and views on my platform was when I was at 335 00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:07.799 my absolute lowest. Right, People love watching someone going through 336 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:10.840 a hard time, and they love you talking about going 337 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.159 through a hard time, and they love talking about their 338 00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:17.159 hard times. And when you start doing the work the 339 00:16:17.159 --> 00:16:19.679 same the work that you're talking about in your literature 340 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:21.519 and what I talk about in my book. 341 00:16:21.559 --> 00:16:24.039 You start to evolve. You start to. 342 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.600 Realize I don't have to think that everything is puppy 343 00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:33.000 dogs and rainbows. I'm allowed to say this just sucks. However, yeah, 344 00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:38.240 there is something that is useful and good about saying Okay, 345 00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:41.639 yes this can suck. And also what lessons can I 346 00:16:41.720 --> 00:16:44.279 learn from this? You talk about the oh what do 347 00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:46.600 you call it? It's not it's not the gratitude reframe. 348 00:16:46.679 --> 00:16:48.559 It's the gratitude flip flip. 349 00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:52.159 Yeah, where it's where it's not like, oh, I have 350 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:53.759 to go do that. I gotta go. I have to 351 00:16:53.759 --> 00:16:55.440 go pick up the kids from school or whatever. It's 352 00:16:55.480 --> 00:16:58.440 in my book, but your frame everything is like I get. 353 00:16:58.279 --> 00:16:59.000 To I get to. 354 00:16:59.360 --> 00:17:02.039 Yeah. It's just it's like a little bit of mind 355 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:06.680 trickery with I really kind of mean that, though, because 356 00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:09.480 if you stay down all the time talking about all 357 00:17:09.519 --> 00:17:12.160 your problems and all your everything and whoa boo is 358 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:14.039 me and all this stuff, you're going to stay there. 359 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:19.799 And it's really helpful to shift people to recognize all 360 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:24.039 of that, go through it, talk about it, deal with it, 361 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:26.319 and all those things. But to have the element of 362 00:17:26.359 --> 00:17:27.920 moving forward is a beautiful thing. 363 00:17:28.400 --> 00:17:30.839 Yeah, And I feel like sometimes people want to label 364 00:17:30.880 --> 00:17:34.839 that incorrectly, label that as toxic positivity, and they don't 365 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:37.279 understand that that's not what that word actually means. 366 00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:40.200 But you do, you can get caught in this. 367 00:17:40.359 --> 00:17:48.160 It can become difficult talking about change and growth, about spirituality, 368 00:17:48.279 --> 00:17:51.720 about self care because sometimes people want to say, oh, 369 00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:53.960 this is just all puppy dogs and rainbows. And so 370 00:17:54.400 --> 00:17:56.920 my book is trying really hard to bring some balance 371 00:17:56.960 --> 00:18:01.279 to the conversation and say, like, hey, it's we should 372 00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:04.440 talk about the hard stuff. And the book primarily talks 373 00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:09.000 about the hard stuff, but let's also remember that through 374 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:12.960 all the hard stuff there are learnings, and again abuse 375 00:18:13.200 --> 00:18:15.640 neglect those things. We don't have to, we don't have 376 00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:18.240 to try to pretend like there's a learning opportunity there. 377 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:20.839 We can set those aside. But I'm talking about the 378 00:18:21.079 --> 00:18:24.119 just the everyday challenges and woes that we go through 379 00:18:24.119 --> 00:18:27.000 that are so painful, that hurts so deep. There is 380 00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:28.559 a way to look at those and go, how can 381 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:30.279 I grow from this? How can I evolve? 382 00:18:30.279 --> 00:18:31.039 What can I learn? 383 00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:34.039 How can I be and do better from this? And 384 00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:37.599 that's not toxic, that's actually incredibly healthy, and that's what 385 00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:41.519 we should be doing. And so the book, the book 386 00:18:41.640 --> 00:18:45.200 really goes into here's the hard stuff we have to do, 387 00:18:45.279 --> 00:18:47.799 and here's how we sort of not just reframe it, 388 00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:50.039 but go a step further and try to turn it 389 00:18:50.119 --> 00:18:53.160 into something like a practical approach. 390 00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:55.599 Now, when you talk about other people in your book, 391 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:59.400 let's just say your husband for a minute, Charlie, Right, yes, 392 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:02.680 did you have to say, look, I'm going to write about. 393 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:08.079 You, don't. I don't feel like that was ever a 394 00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:10.960 very specific conversation we had. I never came to him 395 00:19:11.000 --> 00:19:13.359 and was like, is it okay if I share these stories? 396 00:19:13.799 --> 00:19:16.799 But it was him who encouraged me to write the book. 397 00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:20.720 And you know, as we navigated our separation and then 398 00:19:20.759 --> 00:19:23.799 our reconciliation, he was the one who was like, we 399 00:19:23.960 --> 00:19:27.119 have this great testimony and I want you to share. 400 00:19:27.720 --> 00:19:31.000 He was like, you can be honest, you can talk 401 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:33.880