WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.360 It's just after midnight, and the kitchen smells of charred 2 00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:10.560 rosemary and wilted endive traces of the dinner I'd spent 3 00:00:10.679 --> 00:00:15.119 all Saturday preparing duck breast ban my sour plum tarts, 4 00:00:15.439 --> 00:00:18.960 those little fermented tea eggs Lee pretended to love, mostly 5 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:21.679 because one of our friends said, umami bomb in a 6 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:26.079 reverent voice. I'm elbow deep in dishwater, scraping plates we'd 7 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:30.600 barely touched because Lee left early for gallery prep. The 8 00:00:30.679 --> 00:00:34.560 last guest had made polite noises about my solo hosting powers, 9 00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:38.359 then let the door ease shut behind her. Now the 10 00:00:38.439 --> 00:00:41.359 place is just me, the crunch of glass on tile 11 00:00:41.479 --> 00:00:44.479 under my sock, and a sticky, faint wine slick on 12 00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:48.159 the countertop. I set my phone on a folded paper 13 00:00:48.200 --> 00:00:51.200 towel and start the next sinkful, watching the bubbles blur 14 00:00:51.320 --> 00:00:54.719 the shape of the empty wine glasses. My hands ache, 15 00:00:54.920 --> 00:00:58.600 maybe from scrubbing, maybe from something else. I nudge the 16 00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:02.640 phone on, figuring up podcast would take the edge off instead. 17 00:01:02.920 --> 00:01:05.400 The last thing I opened still sits on the screen. 18 00:01:05.879 --> 00:01:10.400 Lee's latest Instagram story, a profil photo is her in 19 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:14.200 paint caked overalls, head thrown back in full open laughter 20 00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:17.879 her gallery face. It's a photo someone else took. The 21 00:01:17.959 --> 00:01:22.120 contrast is jarringly sharp. She looks so happy, free, surrounded 22 00:01:22.120 --> 00:01:25.760 by five people. I don't recognize. The caption stings more 23 00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:28.239 than I want to admit. Found my people couldn't do 24 00:01:28.280 --> 00:01:31.280 it without you. All Last year she used nearly that 25 00:01:31.400 --> 00:01:35.120 same phrase, only she was leaning against my shoulder, raising 26 00:01:35.159 --> 00:01:38.280 a toast to our New Year's crew at Candle Light Lounge. 27 00:01:39.079 --> 00:01:41.879 I try not to take social media literally, but as 28 00:01:41.920 --> 00:01:44.560 I swipe to the next story, there's a boomerang of 29 00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:48.040 Lee's spinning in the gallery foay paints splattered in her hair, 30 00:01:48.359 --> 00:01:53.079 cheeks flushed. The comments under each post are effusive. Seriously, 31 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:56.519 who are these people? One guy with a severe jawline 32 00:01:56.760 --> 00:01:59.959 uploads a black hand white filter of Lee painting. Hashtag 33 00:02:00.439 --> 00:02:06.400 muse my phone pings push notification new group chat gallery collective. 34 00:02:06.760 --> 00:02:09.360 It's the first time have been added. The chat bubbles 35 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:12.039 bounce around as I unlock the screen. It's a thread 36 00:02:12.039 --> 00:02:15.719 I've never seen before. Mina Sylvian, Julia Marco, some one 37 00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:19.240 called Ivonne. The thread auto scrolls up. Good night, Lee, 38 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:21.639 see you to morrow. For round two, row and twenty 39 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:24.400 Mina drops a selfie of the group in a heap 40 00:02:24.439 --> 00:02:28.240 on the gallery floor, Lee in the center, grinning. I 41 00:02:28.360 --> 00:02:31.199 scroll up, looking for my name, for any reference to 42 00:02:31.240 --> 00:02:34.680 my existence, but it's all shop talk and emojis and 43 00:02:34.800 --> 00:02:38.800 still buzzing from to night. I pause with my finger 44 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:42.240 hovering was this meant for me? Did Lee add me 45 00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:44.280 as a one off? Or did some one else do 46 00:02:44.360 --> 00:02:48.240 it accidentally? I glance around our kitchen for a sign, 47 00:02:48.599 --> 00:02:51.439 the Lee plus keV painted plate on the sideboard, the 48 00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:55.120 cheap museum prince he hung above the espresso machine. Everything 49 00:02:55.159 --> 00:02:58.280 is still here, but Lee's absence feels new, raw, like 50 00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:00.960 an empty seat at a table that nonger needs setting. 51 00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:03.080 When did I become the one out of place in 52 00:03:03.159 --> 00:03:06.800 my own home? Had she noticed, truly noticed the way 53 00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:10.400 things had shifted? Or was it only me counting ghosts 54 00:03:10.439 --> 00:03:13.800 where nothing had been changed on the surface. I leave 55 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:16.719 the last glass soaking and wipe my hands, then open 56 00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:20.120 my own chat with Lee. The last few messages are practical. 57 00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:23.919 What time are you coming home? Everything okay? Save me 58 00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:27.360 a plate, she replied an hour ago. Sorry, lost track, 59 00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:31.840 studio stuff, no heart, no inside joke, not even a zoxo, 60 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:36.240 Just efficient. I thumb a blank message field, but nothing 61 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:40.080 comes out. I close the chat instead. In the quiet, 62 00:03:40.360 --> 00:03:43.639 the only sound is the fridge ticking, and somewhere outside 63 00:03:43.960 --> 00:03:47.719 the faint thump of music, probably from the gallery. I 64 00:03:47.759 --> 00:03:51.479 ask myself, honestly, am I just being left behind? Or 65 00:03:51.560 --> 00:03:53.960 is Lee the one drifting into something she doesn't want 66 00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:58.879 to explain. People always talk about instant chemistry, the first 67 00:03:58.919 --> 00:04:02.840 magnetic touch of hands, the laughter that cracks out without warning. 68 00:04:03.560 --> 00:04:06.439 For us, it was the echo of some one else's voice, 69 00:04:06.800 --> 00:04:10.080 a tour guide's monologue at a conceptual art show that 70 00:04:10.159 --> 00:04:12.840 neither of us cared for, though we'd each bought the 71 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:16.600 overpriced tickets for different reasons. I met Lee on a 72 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:18.800 wet Thursday in March at a pop up gallery in 73 00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:21.839 River North. She wore a thrifted puffer and shoes with 74 00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:24.639 violet laces, and she rolled her eyes so hard at 75 00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:29.040 the phrase met architectural liminality that I nearly snorted my seltzer. 76 00:04:29.720 --> 00:04:33.040 I covered my mouth. She caught me. We waited until 77 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:35.879 the guide slid into the next room, then slipped back 78 00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:39.240 and whispered caustic commentary on each installation until we were 79 00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:42.240 out in the rain with our hoods up, laughing, neither 80 00:04:42.279 --> 00:04:45.199 in a hurry to go home. We'd both come to 81 00:04:45.319 --> 00:04:48.279 Chicago for work, too stubborn to admit we felt out 82 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:51.480 of place. She just landed a gig at Wyman plus Greer, 83 00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:55.519 the architecture firm that prized precision over poetry. I was 84 00:04:55.600 --> 00:04:59.519 freelancing as a developer, handling legacy code for small clients, 85 00:05:00.040 --> 00:05:03.120 deady but unimpressive. I thought we each had stories of 86 00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:06.279 things we wanted to build or design that employers dismissed 87 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:10.639 as indulgent. That night, after noodle bowls at Furious Spoon, 88 00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:14.480 we rode the Blue Line together. She fell asleep on 89 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:17.199 my shoulder, and neither of us said good bye. At 90 00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:21.759 her stop. It all felt natural. Five years later we 91 00:05:21.800 --> 00:05:24.160 bought this two bedroom in log and square, with wood 92 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:27.319 floors and high ceilings, too much white wall space to 93 00:05:27.399 --> 00:05:31.639 fill all at once. Lee insisted we hang only original pieces, 94 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:35.600 no reprints. That became a ritual. Every month or so 95 00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:38.279 we'd earmark a little money, find a piece by a 96 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:41.800 local artist, and argue about its placement for an afternoon. 97 00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:44.439 It was an odd sort of way to claim territory 98 00:05:44.439 --> 00:05:47.560 in a city full of strangers. A day to day 99 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:51.199 built up quietly, a layering of chores and jokes. Tasks 100 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:55.279 always divided. She hated vacuuming. I hated loading the dish washer. 101 00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:58.600 We'd host long, noisy dinners for our group half her 102 00:05:58.680 --> 00:06:03.079 architecture circle off my tech world friends. Evenings stretched across 103 00:06:03.079 --> 00:06:06.160 the dining table or onto the back patio when weather allowed. 104 00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:10.319 Sunday mornings we had a checkpoint brunch at table L 105 00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:12.920 and a walk to check out the rotating front window 106 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:17.279 mural at Vertice. If a week was particularly rough, either 107 00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:19.959 Lee's project manager demanded too much or one of my 108 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:22.639 clients ghosted me, one of us would pick a new 109 00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.560 restaurant so the other could escape the grind, as Lee 110 00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:29.319 called it. On rainy saturdays, Lee would spread out tarps 111 00:06:29.319 --> 00:06:32.000 in the spare room and we'd each work on canvases. 112 00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:36.240 She sketched architectural forms in charcoal. I bled color fields 113 00:06:36.240 --> 00:06:40.480 across six dollar panels from blick. Sometimes we'd swap, laughing 114 00:06:40.519 --> 00:06:45.199 at each other's ruins. Once she painted an entire skyline 115 00:06:45.240 --> 00:06:48.959 of stick people holding smartphones, and I threatened to submit 116 00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:53.199 it to her annual review. We never wanted kids. It 117 00:06:53.319 --> 00:06:56.279 wasn't an argument so much as a shared understanding a 118 00:06:56.360 --> 00:06:59.639 luxury of making our own, meaning both of our families 119 00:06:59.680 --> 00:07:02.199 scatter on the coasts, would send us Venmo for our 120 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:07.720 birthdays and then forget to call our friends. Julia, alex Mina, Dan, 121 00:07:07.959 --> 00:07:12.959 Sophie acted as our chosen family. It worked mostly if 122 00:07:12.959 --> 00:07:16.360 I was honest. We did have friction. Lee's independence was 123 00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:19.519 at first what I found most magnetic. She wasn't the 124 00:07:19.560 --> 00:07:22.279 type to wait on plans or slow down to let 125 00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:25.759 others catch up. I loved her drive, but sometimes I 126 00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:27.959 felt like she was already half way down the next 127 00:07:27.959 --> 00:07:31.160 street and I was jogging to keep up. She'd needle 128 00:07:31.240 --> 00:07:35.319 me good naturedly. I thought about disappearing into code for 129 00:07:35.480 --> 00:07:38.639 days at a time. If I missed a dinner out 130 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.560 because of a last minute deadline, she'd sigh and say, 131 00:07:41.959 --> 00:07:45.480 someone has to keep you interesting. It was funny, but 132 00:07:45.600 --> 00:07:50.399 sometimes only almost funny. In the last year, something shifted. 133 00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:53.680 Lee's firm was recognizing her in ways that made me 134 00:07:53.800 --> 00:07:58.000 proud but also quietly jealous. She led two major projects, 135 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:02.600 got invited to present at design conferences. My work, steady 136 00:08:02.639 --> 00:08:07.399 but underwhelming, began to feel dwarfed by hers. Then came 137 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:11.399 that brutal winter. Lee's office slowed, her calendar opened. She 138 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:15.199 seemed smaller, quieter, more vulnerable. Some part of her, the 139 00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:18.360 one that always sought connection and novelty, started looking for 140 00:08:18.439 --> 00:08:22.079 something more. I tried to fill the space, more walks, 141 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:25.959 spontaneous gifts, movie nights where we ordered everything Lee wanted. 142 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:28.560 I wanted her to know I saw her, even if 143 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:32.559 I didn't always understand what she needed. Now it seems 144 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:37.320 the world's reversed. She's found something new, people new late nights, 145 00:08:37.639 --> 00:08:40.159 and I am the one still in the kitchen wondering 146 00:08:40.200 --> 00:08:43.360 why she doesn't reach for me first any more. It 147 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:46.799 started as a passing comment at brunch, Lee chattering over 148 00:08:46.840 --> 00:08:51.279 her cappuccino while I finished my second espressor. The collective's 149 00:08:51.320 --> 00:08:54.679 going to be wild, she said, We're doing an overnight 150 00:08:54.759 --> 00:08:59.720 installation blitz. They need an architect who actually sketches. I 151 00:08:59.720 --> 00:09:04.480 grew relieved. She sounded animated again. That's awesome. They're lucky 152 00:09:04.519 --> 00:09:07.919 to have you. What's the plan? She went on about 153 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:11.440 an abandoned studio in Pilsen, how the gallery's new exhibition 154 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:16.440 needed a full repint, found objects, entire walls reimagined. There 155 00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:19.799 were references to Dardarists all night jams, the kind of 156 00:09:19.919 --> 00:09:24.440 artists who valued vibes more than blueprints, urban ghosting, whatever 157 00:09:24.519 --> 00:09:28.120 that means, she joked, half rolling her eyes. I said 158 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:31.360 I could help with logistics, maybe run some late night food, 159 00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:35.519 anything to be involved. She didn't say. No, Just it's 160 00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:38.679 a madhouse, babe. I'll barely know which way is up. 161 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:41.720 You should probably stay clear unless you want a paint 162 00:09:41.720 --> 00:09:45.600 bomb in your hair. We both laughed. The names of 163 00:09:45.639 --> 00:09:48.559 her new crew tumbled out, Julia, who I knew from 164 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.960 our old party circuit, joined by Mina Sculpture, Sylvin Multimedia, 165 00:09:53.080 --> 00:09:57.000 Marco Painter, and Yvonne in stall Tech. I nodded along, 166 00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:01.240 pretending I recognized each one. That Ma loco guy, she said, 167 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:06.000 he built his own pigment mill wild. Some nights, I'd 168 00:10:06.039 --> 00:10:09.360 catch Lee at home, crouched over sketches, her phone buzzing 169 00:10:09.399 --> 00:10:12.720 every few minutes with group texts and calendar chimes. A 170 00:10:12.759 --> 00:10:17.320 patchwork of enthusiasm, anxiety, and secrecy settled around her. When 171 00:10:17.320 --> 00:10:20.840 I pressed for details. So who's actually leading this project? 172 00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:24.919 He'd shift, suddenly vague. Honestly, it's kind of a free 173 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:29.399 for all. No one's in charge exactly. Then she started 174 00:10:29.399 --> 00:10:33.679 being unavailable on studio nights, calls would roll to voicemail. 175 00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:37.360 My texts hung unread for hours. When she replied, it 176 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:40.559 was always a breezy sorry caught up with the team, 177 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:44.720 or a smile emoji and nothing else. One night, after 178 00:10:44.759 --> 00:10:47.519 I finally managed to wrangle some friends over for dinner, 179 00:10:47.879 --> 00:10:51.320 Julia was among them. Sophie, one of Lee's oldest friends 180 00:10:51.480 --> 00:10:55.080 and a notorious gossip, pulled me aside. I thought you'd 181 00:10:55.080 --> 00:10:58.320 be there last night, she said, twirling her earring. Lee 182 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:00.720 was at Tears food truck after midas night with that 183 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:05.360 fascinating painter. She keeps talking about the curly hair guy Marco. 184 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:09.840 Seriously intense but clever. You'd like him. She wriggled her 185 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:13.000 eyebrows in a way that was supposed to be conspiratorial, 186 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:16.919 but only made my skin crawl. I was sure Lee 187 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:21.279 hadn't mentioned midnight tacos or being with Marco. Maybe I 188 00:11:21.480 --> 00:11:24.440 just missed a throwaway comment, but I felt left out. 189 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:28.200 That same week, Lee started sleeping in the guest room 190 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:31.519 after gallery nights, claiming the paint fumes were nasty, might 191 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:34.200 even be toxic. I just don't want to keep you up, 192 00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:37.039 she added a little too brightly, but when I tried 193 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:39.519 to check in ask if everything was okay, if she 194 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:43.480 wanted ginger tea, she'd be curt mutter, distracted, fine, keV 195 00:11:43.679 --> 00:11:46.759 just tired. The next morning, she'd stick to the other 196 00:11:46.840 --> 00:11:50.799 side of the kitchen island, barely looking at me. Once 197 00:11:50.919 --> 00:11:54.320 I found her notes open beside her coffee, half raised 198 00:11:54.519 --> 00:11:57.360 and scribbled through at odd angles, as if she didn't 199 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.360 want me to see. Maybe I was tell us of 200 00:12:00.399 --> 00:12:03.759 her new camaraderie, or maybe I just missed her. I 201 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:08.559 tried not to catastrophize. Adults have separate lives, right, Maybe 202 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:10.399 this was just what it looked like to be married 203 00:12:10.440 --> 00:12:13.519 to someone more vibrant, plugged in, and for the first 204 00:12:13.559 --> 00:12:16.960 time in her element. But when the next dinner came 205 00:12:17.360 --> 00:12:20.720 a Thursday, late spring, and Lee texted at five that 206 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:23.600 she just have to miss it again, I caught myself 207 00:12:23.639 --> 00:12:27.039 reading over her messages twice, trying to pase meaning from 208 00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:32.159 her minimalist punctuations don't wait up, love you all, exclamation, 209 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:36.360 no signature. I stood in the kitchen after everyone left, 210 00:12:36.679 --> 00:12:39.879 the lights from the apartment across the street reflecting in 211 00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:43.120 our own windows. Was I the only one feeling? This? 212 00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:47.679 Was Lee chasing something? I never had to offer That week, 213 00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:50.919 I decided to reclaim some of the narrative. Lee was 214 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:54.200 always energized by action, so I offered to drive down 215 00:12:54.200 --> 00:12:57.559 to the studio with her help, carry supplies, a few 216 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:01.600 rickety stools, massive stretches of cans, even a box of 217 00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:06.159 snacks for whoever was pulling the long shift. She appreciated 218 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:09.320 it in theory, but waved me off. It's pretty wild 219 00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:12.320 right now, she said, head deep in her overnight bag. 220 00:13:12.919 --> 00:13:16.639 I know you wouldn't enjoy it. It's really chaotic inside jokes, 221 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:20.960 music blaring, everyone flinging ideas around. I survive on red 222 00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:24.720 bull and cold pizza and like zero structure. Trust me, 223 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:28.879 it's only fun if you're in the group already that's strung. 224 00:13:29.080 --> 00:13:32.159 Even if it made sense, I hovered, trying to find 225 00:13:32.159 --> 00:13:35.320 another way in. Maybe I could just drop something off, 226 00:13:35.720 --> 00:13:38.039 or swing by for a late dinner after, maybe take 227 00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:42.799 you home. She flashed her tight work politics smile. Let's 228 00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:46.399 not sometimes we're still sorting out big conceptual fights at 229 00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:48.799 two a m. And then it's just crash or you 230 00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:51.279 hate every one in the room for an hour. She 231 00:13:51.399 --> 00:13:54.279 kissed my cheek, but I caught her glancing at the clock, 232 00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:58.960 rain check, keV. Maybe I should have pushed, but I 233 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:03.000 told myself to trust her. Twice I overheard late night 234 00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:06.720 murmurings from the hallway. Lee's office door barely cracked. Once, 235 00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:09.600 she answered in a whisper, Yeah, yeah, no, just five 236 00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:13.759 more minutes. Another time, Mina, I swear I triple checked 237 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:18.519 the wall dimensions, Marco said, before trailing off. Mina's name 238 00:14:18.679 --> 00:14:21.440 was new, but Marco's now seemed to pop up everywhere, 239 00:14:21.720 --> 00:14:26.120 even when Lee talked about things unrelated to painting. Julia 240 00:14:26.200 --> 00:14:29.399 at our next happy hour, grinned sideways at Lee and me. 241 00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:32.159 You missed one hell of a paint fight with Marco, 242 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:35.440 she said, would have loved to see you clean that up, keV. 243 00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:39.279 Julia assumed I knew all about it. Lee just flicked 244 00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:42.720 her wrist dismissively. He's a menace with a squeeze bottle, 245 00:14:42.799 --> 00:14:46.399 That's all. I felt like a tourist in my own marriage, 246 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:50.320 forced to smile along with inside jokes i'd never share. 247 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:54.679 That feeling only thickened when, while sorting our budget's sheet 248 00:14:54.720 --> 00:14:58.759 one afternoon, I found an unfamiliar charge, A pricey bottle 249 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:02.159 of Ya Mayzaki whiskey, A cut above anything, we'd spring for. 250 00:15:02.799 --> 00:15:06.320 The invoice read thanks for the collab, scribbled in a 251 00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:09.360 spiky hand. I asked Lee about it that night on 252 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:13.320 the couch. She shrugged, too light. Oh, it was a 253 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:16.080 group gift for the team leader. We all chipped in 254 00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:20.480 Marco's birthday. I figured if I bought it, reimbursements would 255 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:24.360 be easier. She breezed past the topic, making herself a drink. 256 00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:27.360 I wasn't sure whether to push, so I let it drop. 257 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:31.200 Her recaps of the days became quick, just a lot 258 00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:35.440 of prep, nothing special or Marco kept spiraling on the mural. 259 00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:39.360 He's such a perfectionist. After a while, it all sounded 260 00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:43.639 intentionally dull. We fell into a rhythm of missed connections. 261 00:15:44.120 --> 00:15:47.840 Lee would come in, smelling of acrylix and turpentine, shower quickly, 262 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:51.039 then collapse either in the guest room or slip out early, 263 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:55.720 crashing at the studio. She described it as practical, too far, 264 00:15:55.960 --> 00:15:59.759 too late, too much hassle to you. But back physical 265 00:15:59.720 --> 00:16:04.279 closeness dwindled too. Mornings, she'd snag her coffee and avoid 266 00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:07.200 the touch of my hand. Focus pinched on her phone, 267 00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:11.840 headphones in bed sheets started cooling fast. Each keeping to 268 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:16.320 our own side, whether together or apart, I tried awkwardly 269 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:20.159 to insert myself. Dropping by a mutual friend's show one Friday, 270 00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:24.120 Lee's collective entered in a noisy clump. Everyone seemed to 271 00:16:24.200 --> 00:16:27.399 orbit Lee, all eyes, all energy on her. She made 272 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:30.039 a grand entrance, lighting up as she wrapped Mina in 273 00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:34.120 a hug. Exchanging cryptic quips with Sylving. They bantered about 274 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:40.000 last Thursday's disaster, Gray Primer apocalypse, Lee's secret superpower, none 275 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:43.559 of which made sense to me. I hung back, making 276 00:16:43.639 --> 00:16:46.600 small talk with the few people I recognized from old 277 00:16:46.600 --> 00:16:50.240 dinner parties. Later, as I tried to piece together a 278 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:52.919 group for a toast, one of the artists this guy 279 00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:57.559 with an angular beard, maybe Sylving, teased Lee. Someone drove 280 00:16:57.639 --> 00:17:00.679 home in style last night. Ha, although those late night 281 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:04.720 lift rides living the high life, Lee, she laughed, if 282 00:17:04.759 --> 00:17:07.480 only man must be thinking of someone else, all I 283 00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:11.559 get is a splatter headache. It was friendly light, but 284 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:13.759 I felt like there was something in it I wasn't 285 00:17:13.799 --> 00:17:17.640 meant to hear. After the show, Julia posted a photo 286 00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:22.279 Lee and a striking man, tall, curly hair, expressive hands, 287 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:25.839 resting just beside hers. The two leaning in toward the camera. 288 00:17:26.519 --> 00:17:30.799 In the comments, Yvonne joked power couple alert. Mina left 289 00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:35.240 a string of fire emojis that night. Scrolling through feeds, 290 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:38.160 I asked Lee while she moved laundry from the dryer, 291 00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:42.240 what's with the power couple jokes on Julia's post. Didn't 292 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:45.839 know you and Marco were quite that tight. She rolled 293 00:17:45.880 --> 00:17:48.279 her eyes at the towel in her hands. It's just 294 00:17:48.480 --> 00:17:53.039 art world teasing. Julia likes to stir. Seriously, Marco is 295 00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:57.440 all energy, zero game. Also, he's married. She said it 296 00:17:57.519 --> 00:18:00.720 like a preemptive answer, a closing of any further question. 297 00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:05.400 So I made myself believe her for a while. But 298 00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:07.880 two mornings later, on my walk to the l I 299 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:11.759 paused by the gallery window. There inside, Lee and Marco 300 00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:15.319 stood close, laughing, Marco brushing a fingertip through a blob 301 00:18:15.359 --> 00:18:18.680 of wet paint on Lee's nose. She shrieked, laughed, play 302 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:22.160 slapped his shoulder. He leaned in too intimate. Even if 303 00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:25.680 nothing more happened, they lingered like the world was blurred out. 304 00:18:26.119 --> 00:18:29.480 By the time I passed, they'd split apart, business as usual. 305 00:18:30.519 --> 00:18:33.799 That night, over takeout, I brought it up. You and 306 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:36.960 Marco seem pretty tight. I saw you through the window. 307 00:18:38.039 --> 00:18:41.519 Lee looked blank for a split second. Yeah, well, we 308 00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:44.759 were fixing the mural. He's a dork. I promise you'd 309 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:46.880 love him if you met him. He and his wife 310 00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:49.720 host game nights. All the artists have to show up. 311 00:18:50.839 --> 00:18:54.119 You d tell me if something was you know, weird? Right? 312 00:18:54.519 --> 00:18:58.759 I pressed, I love you, she said, slow but distracted, 313 00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:02.720 looking at her phone. Marko is married. I hide nothing 314 00:19:02.759 --> 00:19:07.440 from you. I told myself to let it go, except 315 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:11.559 the pattern only grew on a gray Sunday, while rain 316 00:19:11.640 --> 00:19:14.279 hammered the window and Lee nursed a mug in the kitchen. 317 00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:17.920 I finally put my worry into words as gently as 318 00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:21.480 I could. I feel like I'm not part of your 319 00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:24.359 world any more, I said, trying to hold her gaze. 320 00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:27.960 Is there some one else? Lee? She set her mug 321 00:19:28.039 --> 00:19:30.640 down with a soft thunk. For a second, her face 322 00:19:30.680 --> 00:19:34.200 twisted real pain. I thought, keV, what, no, no, where 323 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.079 is this coming from? Her eyes filled suddenly, and she 324 00:19:37.160 --> 00:19:39.720 tucked a strand of hair behind her ear a nervous tell. 325 00:19:40.240 --> 00:19:43.039 I'm just this project is huge. All eyes are on 326 00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:47.200 me now, especially Marko's wife. She runs the whole business side. 327 00:19:47.279 --> 00:19:50.319 She's terrifying. If she thinks we're getting too chummy, she'll 328 00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:53.440 start policing every breath I take. I hide stuff from 329 00:19:53.480 --> 00:19:56.720 her shore, but nothing from you. She came over and 330 00:19:56.759 --> 00:20:00.519 took my hands, squeezing hard. Come to the next gallery 331 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:05.119 event see for yourself. I want you there. The following evening, 332 00:20:05.279 --> 00:20:07.599 I put on a real shirt, brushed my hair, and 333 00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:11.240 walked in with Lee. It was full buzzing. People clapped 334 00:20:11.240 --> 00:20:14.000 her on the back, pulled her from conversation to conversation. 335 00:20:14.599 --> 00:20:17.400 I met Marko's wife, Gabby, a tall woman with a 336 00:20:17.400 --> 00:20:20.519 sharp handshake and a schedule in her eyes. She watched 337 00:20:20.559 --> 00:20:23.319 Lee with cool, evaluative interest, but was civil to me. 338 00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:27.559 I watched Lee and Marco no touching, only laughter, and 339 00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:30.880 the same back and forth with the other artists. I 340 00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:33.720 even talked to Marco at the bar. He was witty, 341 00:20:33.880 --> 00:20:38.039 if distracted, quick to talk about pigments, and never about people. 342 00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:42.000 By the end, I felt both reassured and exhausted by 343 00:20:42.000 --> 00:20:45.400 the effort. I told myself Lee must be right. The 344 00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:49.079 group was close, but the lines between connection and flirtation, 345 00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:54.279 secrecy and community, they seemed solid drawn with gallery tape 346 00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:58.359 not open to erasure. Lee took my arm as we left. 347 00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:01.920 See you're in the SAR cucle two. Nothing to hide. 348 00:21:02.680 --> 00:21:05.480 But the next night, after Lee fell asleep in the 349 00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:08.160 guest room again, I went to look for a sketch 350 00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:11.799 She'd promised to show me one of her concepts in progress. 351 00:21:12.200 --> 00:21:14.680 She told me to always check her main sketch book, 352 00:21:14.920 --> 00:21:18.839 so I paged through half way in slipped just under 353 00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:22.359 tracing paper divider, I found an unsigned note on heavy 354 00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:26.319 stock paper. It was a short, awkward scrawl. Thanks for 355 00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:31.599 last night meant everything M. It was unsigned, but the 356 00:21:31.799 --> 00:21:35.720 M was unmistakable. I ran my thumb over the indentation, 357 00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:39.200 feeling the difference between what Lee said and what her 358 00:21:39.240 --> 00:21:43.359 world actually looked like. Was I reading too far into it? 359 00:21:43.799 --> 00:21:46.559 Was it just an inside joke? Or did this mean 360 00:21:46.599 --> 00:21:50.279 what I feared For the first time. It didn't matter 361 00:21:50.319 --> 00:21:54.960 how careful Lee's explanations sounded. Something was happening, after all. 362 00:21:55.960 --> 00:22:00.359 I sat with myself, the evidence, the contradiction. I didn't 363 00:22:00.359 --> 00:22:03.119 want to become the guy scrolling through his wife's phone 364 00:22:03.319 --> 00:22:06.480 or reading her email. Still, I wanted to face what 365 00:22:06.599 --> 00:22:10.720 was happening with open eyes. I began quietly tracing the 366 00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:15.400 practical details. Noticing calendar invites, Lee hid under private session 367 00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:20.039 receipts for supplies. I'd never seen expenses labeled late night 368 00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:24.200 run to addresses I couldn't place. I started to note 369 00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:27.759 patterns whenever there was a private sketch session blocked out 370 00:22:27.799 --> 00:22:31.359 in Lee's calendar. Marco's name was also in her group texts. 371 00:22:31.799 --> 00:22:35.680 These were not public events. They ran late hours after 372 00:22:35.720 --> 00:22:38.920 the group's official meetings broke up. Most of the names 373 00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:41.720 from the group never seemed to attend, or if they did, 374 00:22:42.039 --> 00:22:46.480 they always signed off hours earlier. Casually, I reached out 375 00:22:46.519 --> 00:22:50.599 to Julia one afternoon, Hey, so, who usually closes up 376 00:22:50.640 --> 00:22:53.319 shop at the gallery? I thought about dropping by, but 377 00:22:53.400 --> 00:22:58.839 didn't want to spook anyone. She glanced at her phone, considering, honestly, 378 00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:02.440 Lee and Mark usually pulled the all nighters. The rest 379 00:23:02.440 --> 00:23:04.799 of us bail around one a m. Those two were 380 00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:09.000 just extra when it comes to the mural. It's their baby. Apparently, 381 00:23:10.119 --> 00:23:13.599 Julia didn't linger, maybe thinking I already knew the shape 382 00:23:13.599 --> 00:23:17.359 of things. I started checking Lee's lift history through our 383 00:23:17.440 --> 00:23:22.640 shared account. Most rides were straightforward gallery supply runs home, 384 00:23:23.119 --> 00:23:26.160 but one kept recurring, a late trip to an address 385 00:23:26.200 --> 00:23:29.759 in West Town I didn't recognize. Always between midnight and 386 00:23:29.839 --> 00:23:32.480 two a m. It wasn't a studio. It was a 387 00:23:32.519 --> 00:23:37.920 private residential building. I pulled up Google street View tension rising, 388 00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:41.240 a red brick walk up, no gallery anywhere near by. 389 00:23:41.799 --> 00:23:44.160 I couldn't see the buzzer, but the time stamp on 390 00:23:44.200 --> 00:23:48.440 the receipts built a mosaic. Private sessions, always when everyone 391 00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:51.319 else was dead on their feet, with rides to a 392 00:23:51.359 --> 00:23:55.440 place Marco mentioned once off handedly as his home workspace. 393 00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:59.759 Still there was no absolute proof. Yet it was all 394 00:23:59.799 --> 00:24:04.960 in implication, plausible deniability. I tried not to become cold 395 00:24:05.079 --> 00:24:08.920 or confrontational at home. I was more careful with my questions, 396 00:24:09.240 --> 00:24:12.559 tracking what Lee would share. I watched her flinch at 397 00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:16.000 the sound of incoming messages. I watched her linger outside 398 00:24:16.039 --> 00:24:19.319 the bedroom, texting before slipping in after she thought I 399 00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:22.799 was asleep. One night, when Lee left early for in 400 00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:25.440 stall work, I took a walk that just happened to 401 00:24:25.480 --> 00:24:28.920