Speaker 1: This is not.
Speaker 2: Done. Expect to be and pres telling you night.
Speaker 1: Down.
Speaker 3: It's time to straight from the take because you'll find
no be survived side courst.
Speaker 2: Hey there everyone, Welcome back to side Quest the adventures
between the adventures where we kind of have Sometimes you
play a game. Sometimes we have a guest. Sometimes you
just bullshit around and see what happens. Well, today we
have no guests. It is a game and we're bullshitting around.
I'm MK Gibson. Who have with me?
Speaker 4: Rick?
Speaker 2: Introduce yourself? I'm Rick Well said sir, you're a man
of many words. Just you know what script, that's all
you get. Misty, how are you doing?
Speaker 5: Oh that's a loaded question. But I've had two cups
of coffee and it's Sunday, so I don't have shoes on.
How's that will that do?
Speaker 2: I'm still my sweatpants and I'm a happy man I feel,
mister Bevan, how are you, sir?
Speaker 1: Speaking of loads? Hello friends, Jesus, my name is Robert Pepin.
I play the role of Robert Bevin.
Speaker 2: Profound for those for those of the podcasts you just
hearing our wonderful voices. For those watching on the video
services like YouTube, you'll see that Rick and Bevin, both
because of the same person, are using their dicey Bastard's
characters because we'll be playing I don't have to beat today,
what's that.
Speaker 4: It's fine, I don't have to be doing that.
Speaker 2: You don't have to be.
Speaker 4: But I'm not going to touch any more buttons, so it's.
Speaker 2: All touch any button.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's kind of chaotic here. You don't need to
see the background.
Speaker 2: Just learn what the function button was today. All right,
So what game are we playing? Well, we knew that
we want to do something fun, and lately we're having
a lot of more fun doing things that are like
Dungeons and Dragons adjacent. But you know, we've already talked
about a bunch of D and D stories, a bunch
of tropes. But we had fun arguing last time using
the bracket system. So I said, what if we try
classic eighties swords and sandals, D and D adjacent movies?
And I didn't get anybody. No one told me no,
so I just rolled with it. So I created this bracket.
We have a twelve We have twelve people on the
bracket for you audio listeners. Again, you should really watch
this thing too. Okay, in the number one seed, we
have the movie Willow number two, Kroll number three, Conan
the Barbarian number four, Red Sonya number five, Clash of
the Titans. Number six. It's supposed to be Excalibur, but
I misspelled it, so it's like ex Lavier. But you know,
we know it's Excalaber. Number seven legend.
Speaker 4: We do know we.
Speaker 2: Number eight, The Dark Crystal, number nine, Dragon Slayer, number ten,
Conan the Destroyer, yes, that is Conan two, the Shitty one,
number eleven Beast Master, and number twelve Lady Hawk. So
based on when I went to the one website and
punch all these things in spat out this formulas one, two, three,
and four, I'll get a buye. So they so we
are in the preliminary rounds. We're gonna start with Dragon
Slayer versus The Dark Crystal. Say, do we have any
fond memories of either of these movies?
Speaker 4: Yeah, they're both. They're both. I have fond memories of
both movies. I mean Dark Crystal is like it's a
Jim Henson classic, whereas Dragon Slayer was probably like one
of the first movies out there that like about fucking dragons, right,
fucking dragons, but just hard dragons, the fucking hujitive not verb.
Speaker 2: Exactly. Dark Crystal is one of those suminal things like
I grew up watching over and over and over and
over and over, and I loved it, uh, for all
my life. Dragon Slayer, Thank Peter McNichol, who later got vegle.
It's a carpet at the end, but young, young Peter McNichol.
And also I think I forget the actress's name who
was in it with them, So I apologize, but I
remember I was like, I think that movie came out
like in nineteen eighty three or four, and I saw
Boobies and I was like eight or nine, so I
was a happy young kid. So but yeah, I both.
I have a deep love for both these flicks, Bob,
you have any touchdows with either of these.
Speaker 1: I saw The Dark Crystal once like forty years ago,
and I've never seen Dragon Slayer, so I choose the
Dark Crystal.
Speaker 4: Why do we haven't got these to these movie things?
Speaker 2: I was hoping that he would. I was hoping he'd
has some if anything, he'd be the tiebreaker, Misty. How
about you?
Speaker 5: Okay? So Caitlin Clark was the actor that you couldn't
remember right now and really not surprising because I'm not
sure how much else she's done. But I Dragon Slayer.
I love Dragon Slayer for all the reasons that y'all
have said, although it is really weird to watch it
now and see Peter McNichol because again, you know, from
Ghostbusters and from all the the wise older guy roles
that he has played in the last decade.
Speaker 2: Or so, how long was he on Ally McBeal for
like forever? So yeah, yeah, and he.
Speaker 5: Was on the the numbers that show about how math
can solve all mysteries, but it you know, anyway, I'm
not gonna talk about math because math will get me
going for days, but nerd so I no, not that way.
The other way. I have issues with math. Math and
I are not friends because I'm a word girl. But
but I think of the two, Dark Crystal is far more.
It has far more of a grip on my soul.
I saw it when it was new and absolutely loved
it and ended up my DM at the time let
me develop and play a Gelfling character for years, and
so I was like totally into it and love the
Dark Crystal and even if I watch it now, it
still holds up without any of that little weird squiggly
Peter McNicol vibes. So so I vote Dark Crystal.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm gonna lean that way. Also, I would just say,
like you know, while I watched most of it, I
couldn't get into the Netflix show. And I know that's
sacrilets for some nerds out there, But Dark Chris was
one of those type of perfect vertical slices. I didn't
need a prequel. I didn't need a sequel because it
alluded to a pass that my imagination filled in more
blanks than anything ever possibly could. Same thing with a thing.
They just they gave you enough of a hints of
the Lord, enough of the hints of the things to come,
that your your imagination order to use a bevant your
wonder filled in the rest. So I I too would
go probably Dark Crystal over dragons Layer. But dragons Layer it,
like like Rick said in the beginning, there wasn't anything
like it until the time there's a goddamn dragon on
the screen and it looked and it still looks cooler
than the one with that shitty one that uh Dennis
Quaid deal with Sean conned so true?
Speaker 6: Is that?
Speaker 5: Who that was? Dennis Quaid? I was trying to think,
Oh wow, oh now my head hurts.
Speaker 2: Dragon Heart Yeah, David, no.
Speaker 1: Gap, my wonder won't fill.
Speaker 2: Rick, how are you voting?
Speaker 4: So I'm just I'm just gonna go which one I
have enjoyed watching more more over the years, And Dragon
Slayer is an easy choice. I like the Dark Crystal.
I recognize it as a classic. I like thesket Sis.
I can't stand the Gelflings whoever the good guys are,
whoever the We're gonna do nothing yep and just be
useless bags bags of ship mystics, those guys. But I know,
I know over the years, like you know, like like
teenage media, when like you know, I'm changing around. It's like, oh,
Channel Line Dragons players on. I've sat down and I've
watched that multiple times.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, okay, so I know we went we what, Bob,
which what did you vote for?
Speaker 1: The one I've seen dark?
Speaker 2: Which was the Dark Crystal? The Dark personal win suck
a Dragon Slayer.
Speaker 4: That's a that's a that's a ringing u interestment.
Speaker 2: It's a win as a win, all right. Moving on
to the second part of the round, we have Clash
of the Titans against Lady Hawk. So who wants to
start this? Who wants to start the bidding?
Speaker 1: I've seen Clash of the Titans winner.
Speaker 4: All right, I assume we're doing We're doing original Clash Italians,
not the crappy remake.
Speaker 2: Yes, this is that we're talking about. Howard had the yes,
the stop motion animation again because it was the era movies,
Harry Hamlin running around, great hair burgess Meredith Zeus.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so let me just I like Rutger Hower. I
think he's an underrated actor and probably the one thing
about Lady Hawk I actually like, but unfortunately I don't
like the rest of Lady Hawk.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Lady Hawk is one of those I wanted to
get into it as a kid. Now when I was
little and I saw it, you just watched a movie.
You watched a movie. When I got a little bit
older and went back to my teenagers and rewatched it
excited and seen it in years, I didn't realize we
had that much rock opera for the entire soundtrack. It's
just a heavy metal guitar riffs, like and it felt
so anachronistic to like the setting you know, maybe that's
just me being I can't see the art of the vision,
but uh, and Matthew Broderick is a little thief guy.
It was just kind of weird.
Speaker 4: And the thing is, Clash of the Titans was one
of those like that. That was one of those fuck yeah,
like you know movies that like that you went and
saw in the eighties knowing that there was just gonna
be all sorts of badass, like you know, Ray harry
House and like stop motion monsters and shit going on,
and it delivered.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go with Rick on this one,
even though I'm probably putting my my nerd woman card
into serious risk because a lot of my nerd girlfriends
are gonna go, what the hell is wrong with you?
Why don't you love Lady Hawk? It's romance and it's beautiful,
and but I'm just not a fan of Michelle Pfeiffer.
Sure she did, I know, right, she spoke. What is
she like? That? That the liquid gold? Is that what
the song calls her? But I'm like, no, no, I'm
not sure. Yeah, that one, that white gold, that white gull,
that white goal. Yeah, whatever, So she's a white lady whoopee.
But I'm I just I have problem with fantasy animals anyway,
I questioned them far too much, and so the idea
of them turning into animals always left me a little
cold as far as their behavior. And so I'm gonna
go with Clash of the Titans because it is, if
nothing else, a fun adventure. And if the two of
them were on back to back on TV on a
Saturday afternoon and I had nothing to do, I would
probably watch Clash to the Titans before Lady Hawk. So
I'll go Clash.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with that because like a lot of nerds,
like I think a lot of us, when we got
our touchstones into nerdom, Greek mythology was one of those
initials because it's like that is like it pushes you
into that general direction. Hey, these are superheroes going against
monsters using swords and running around and killing shit. You know.
A lot of d D is clearly based on a
lot of like if you fight them Medusa, you fight
a crack and you fight a whatever. Yeah, you grew
up with this, you like the clockwork out bubo. I mean,
these there are so many things that are like again,
it's not just their iconic. It was also had just
a good linear story from beginning what happened?
Speaker 5: No, I forgot about the owl, and I'm I was
hit with a momentary flash of delight.
Speaker 2: So okay, I didn't know Goobo is all of a
sudden racist like, oh shit, you're not finding the clockwork
animal listeners out there. I apologize for all you animal automatons. Uh,
what's up my boobos?
Speaker 5: I love him? I love him, so.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah for me. Clash of the Titans would also
go forward that remake. That was a movie. It was,
it was a movie.
Speaker 4: I think this one sweeps. Yeah, so well you're well,
you're typing. All moves on to the next one because
times is little short today because we're recording right before
a game. But we have Beast Master versus ex Claber.
Speaker 1: Why Clash of the Titans Cock?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, mister supposed to be caught? You're right, thank you.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I guess I was just thinking about Cock, all right.
Speaker 4: So Beast Master versus ex Caliber. Who wants to start
us off with the with that?
Speaker 1: I don't know if I've seen either of these all right?
Speaker 4: Well, fortunately I have opinions. I mean, the truth of
the matter is there's been a million King Arthur movies made,
and I'm not really sure ex Caliber kind of it's
never really stood out for me as like, you know,
as particularly one I cared about, whereas beast Master. I mean,
come on, what's what's not what's not to like about?
Like you know, shirtless, like your hairless Mark Singer running
around in his like little little little man kin away
and well and commanding animals and fighting bad guys and
like you know, and the and making out with Tanya
Roberts too.
Speaker 2: Not to mention that of Roberts to you, sir, show some.
Speaker 4: And then and then and then John John Amos is
in it. I think there's a late John Yeah, and
he's always he's always cool. It's just like, there's a
lot to like in that movie.
Speaker 2: It is a rip torn chewing up scenery as Mayock.
Speaker 4: You know. Yes, now we just say it's a low
budget ConA and the Barbarian, but it's one of the
but it's probably the best low budget.
Speaker 2: It spawns several it's several sequels on a television show.
Now I'm gonna take umbrage though. Excalibur is for me,
the the King Arthur story that other people are are
you have got that's the bar you've got to meet
because nineteen eighty created this amazing. I mean, this is
one they got the flight, the boomp bump bump bump
playing all the way through. It's got. It is a
hauntingly beautiful movie that tells the story of a young
King Arthur to a young author, to the King Arthur
to his fall with his son. You know, you've got
Liam Neeson, young Liam Neeson is in this flick. And
you've also got a oh what's her name, oh Melan Mirren,
you know, running around as as morgana in this thing. No,
this movie is fucking baller. I own it. I watch
it frequently. It is amazing. But like Rick said, beast Master,
it's going because that is like the reverse sexism right there.
Every time we talk about the Jane mel bikini, you've
got Mark Singer running around and Thatllinth with nothing but
abs nineteen abs right there on display.
Speaker 5: So yeah, I loved ex Caliber when it came out,
although I will vote it down for the sake of
one scene, the scene where where fake Uther comes home
and nates the mom and he's they're having sex and
he's in full damn armor. I'm sorry, ol, just owl.
Speaker 2: So no, yeah, they got down back then and it's
kind of grows.
Speaker 5: So yeah, yeah, it's just owl that hurts, so that kind.
Speaker 2: Of and then he collapses on top of her and
it hurts. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Oh, it hurt the whole time. I am sure so.
And and also be Smester came out. When Bee Semester
came out, I had I was in high school, and
I remember I had just fallen in love with Mark
Singer from seeing him on a video of his uh
the shoot the uh Taming of the Shrew that he
did with the American Conservatory Theater in the in the
seventies in the early seventies, And we had found a
video of that in my school library and we a
bunch of us watched it every day because it was
so freaking funny and we were madly in love with
Mark Singer at that time. And so when beast Master
came out, it was like it's petruchio, Oh yay.
Speaker 4: So so I went on to it. He wanted twelve
long career in a soft core porn.
Speaker 5: Did he really?
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure he teamed up like Shannon
tweet and was like pretty much making like all those
like all those like nineties like sex mysteries and shit. Nice.
Speaker 2: Let us also not forget that like like the show
V he was a star on that, you know, when
we're fighting gets.
Speaker 4: To the aliens.
Speaker 2: And also a beast Master haunted my nightmares from like
nineteen eighty three four with those those people with the
with the with the bat like wings and like would
dissolve you into acid and like wrap their arms around you. Yeah,
nightmarriage fuel for children. That's why this for me. Again,
beast Master takes the win.
Speaker 4: So oh that and that like that like early Xena,
like you know, uh like throwing thing that he had.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah that. I think they called it a kappa. I'm
not sure, but I whatever remember but it was cool.
It was cool. So yes, beast Master takes that ship.
Speaker 4: Well I didn't need to vote.
Speaker 2: Well okay, but you see yea by all means hear
your points.
Speaker 4: It doesn't matter now. I was hoping I could make
a tie, but uh.
Speaker 2: All three of us are voting beast Master.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2: Did you Now, did you see any of these movies,
mister Bevan, which ones either of them? But the next ones, No,
the ones we just talked about, beast Master or Excalibur.
Did you watch an end of these?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 2: I was trying to feel some time. Okay, how about
the next ones. Did you ever see Legend or Conan
the Destroyer? Maybe Legend starring young Tom Cruise on the
Quest when his girlfriend fucks up and like hurts a
unicorm by accident. Well enough alone, I saw that, And
then Conan and the Destroyer the Bad one or the
sequel we got rid of everything good and brought in
Wilt Chamberlain.
Speaker 4: Yeah, this one, this one really comes down to me
really like two factors, you know, the awesomeness of Tim
Curry as Satan versus versus like you know, Wilt Chamberlain,
and like Grace Jones just just just I've got.
Speaker 2: The action and keep it there.
Speaker 5: Yeah, awesome.
Speaker 4: So no, I.
Speaker 2: I will be voting Legend for one. I it was
it was a weird movie. It was just weird. It
was out of it was like very French and artistic
and weird, and I loved it. But then later in
my life there's this one friend of mine who's we'll
call a hookup friend of my my twenties, and that
was our code when we want to go We're out
with some other friends and we're like, hey, you want
to go back and watch Legend, And that was our
code for we're going to go knock boots. So Legend
will always have a place in my heart.
Speaker 4: So, man, I was really hoping you could be like,
you want to go back to my place in tom Cruise.
Speaker 2: See the color of Money, You want to go fast
days of Thunder? I don't know, pick a tom Cruise
all the right moves.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm so tickled that Legend was your code.
Speaker 2: We both Jimmy liked it.
Speaker 4: We don't.
Speaker 2: It was like that was the original before Netflix. This
This is like two thousand and one, you know. So
it was one of those like we were up in Alaska,
so it's like for Netflix and Chill, there's like we
would always start watching Legend. We never finished watching.
Speaker 5: I laughed because ours our code was Pink Floyd's the Wall.
So what does that say about me?
Speaker 4: No offense, Gibbie, but I really hope there were a
few not so memorable sessions that ended with well that
certainly wasn't legendary, but I.
Speaker 2: Finished, and that's all that mattered, so moving So I think, Bob,
what did you say, did you see either one of these?
Speaker 1: And if you I saw a legend? I barely remember.
Speaker 2: So can we get you to ever watch legend?
Speaker 4: Well? I just said I saw it?
Speaker 2: Okay, how about beast Conan in the second?
Speaker 4: No, I haven't.
Speaker 5: How many times does he have to see it in
the life.
Speaker 4: Many times? Rick, please lead us into this for me?
So yeah, that was a legend, all right. So moving
into the next round we have we have will We're
starting off with Willow, you know, which is which was
pretty much like, you know, the Lord of the Rings
but not Lord of the Rings movie that that many
of us got in the in the eighties against the
Dark Crystal.
Speaker 5: One man, No, it's not one word. Maran mad Martigan.
Speaker 2: Val Kilmer. Yeah, okay, okay, I see where you're going. Yeah,
Willow is one of those Like again, this was a
for those who have never seen the original will and
they only saw that shitty TV show that was on Disney. Plus,
Willow was a George Lucas joint, you know, when he
took a break from Star Wars, he decided, I'm going
to make a fantasy movie. And boy did he was
it good? No one knows, but it was memorable. We
all thought, oh, because we saw one.
Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, I have an opinion. Finally your opinion, go, Bob, go.
That's pretty much it. I love Willow. Yeah, yeah, this
is an easy win for Willow in my book.
Speaker 2: I agree. And then did you watch the Willow TV
show that was on Disney Place? Okay, don't no, Actually
I can't think he pulled it all the way down.
It's not even up there anymore.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was. It was surprisingly like there was there
were there were moments in it, but it could have been.
There were a lot of could have beens. Yeah, it's
like the Sacrifice story. To try to make it cool
at at points, and they failed in both aspects.
Speaker 5: They went with such a c W attitude with it.
It's they the kids.
Speaker 2: So now the thing is like the kids that spoke
with an English accent took And here's the thing, there
were they were competing American accents and English accents within
the same kingdom, within the same casts, within the same party.
Those who had an English accent took their roles seriously.
Those who spoke in an American accent thought they were
on a CW comedy, and everything was snarky and adorable
as supposed everybody who was speaking with the English accent
who took it fucking seriously, except for the one, the
one British guy, the one tall uh, the I forget
the character's name. He had the long dark hair and
he was like he was the goofball the group.
Speaker 4: So see it in the movie.
Speaker 1: They had kids, but all I said is data, data,
and then they got the fuck out of there.
Speaker 4: Awesome.
Speaker 2: Yep, you know you had pigeons. Shit, you had uh
you know, the the little tiny sprite guys. And again
Val Kilmer. You know, God blessed Val Kilmer in this movie.
Uh did you any of you ever watched the documentary
on I think it's on Oh bloody hell uh Amazon
Prime just called Val. No, okay, Uh. If you've enjoyed
Val Kilmer's work, then just find this movie Val. It
is written by Val Kilmer, but because a throat cancer,
he cannot speak. His son Jack Kilmer, who has a
voice very similar to his narrates the movie for him
because this is his father's words. Who sounds he sounds
a stupid amount like Val Kilmer, but it's like he
can't talk anymore after all these years and throat cancer,
and it's this heartbreaking story of how he grew up,
went to Juilliard. But he has all these home movies
because he was he's been a camera of fishingado since
he was a child. That literally documented his life. And like,
so he went, he was a Juilliard, he studied, he
did this one show. He met this one British actress
and he fell in love with her, but they were apart.
Then he started a movie with her, it was Willow.
They married in real life, had children, unfortunately divorced. But
it's like it is a really, like I said, heartbreaking
tell Abalcimer's life. Highly recommend it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's sounds depressing as fuck. I just want to
want Willow in top secret.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I think I'm gonna stick with with Bob's opinion
on that one.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 2: You gotta see him now, man, It's it's it's it's hard,
it's hard. Uh, but yes, Willow for the wind flu week.
Speaker 4: Moving on, Yah, all right, moving on, we have clash
of the Titans versus versus one of the less good
you know, showing my opinion there Low budget Conan remakes
Red Sonya.
Speaker 2: Oh you're not wrong, sir, We did it right? What's
that we might have? I think you guys, did I
think that was at the movies? I think that's on
the list. Yeah.
Speaker 5: I'm not a fan of Brigada Nielsen anyway. And uh,
I mean she really only has an acting career because
she was sleeping with Sylvester Stallone.
Speaker 2: So it's like, because, right, so, how was Salona is
a lover Bevan? Was he gentle? Was he rough? Did
he wear armored to bed?
Speaker 4: So? A lot of high farving. That is why, like
you don't want to Bob's nicknames is Adrian?
Speaker 2: Did you have to run through the water in short
shorts and then hug it, not jump in the air
and then lay down on the surf? Because that's how
how it's happening in my head right now all the time.
Speaker 5: But yeah, now done broke me. Now I'm red.
Speaker 2: Sonia was just flat out bad to me. I mean
it was it was at the time. It was like
it had all the markets of things that should be
good because at the time Bridget Nielsen was popular. She
makes you had have done like a couple of things. Uh,
you know, you had Ernie Rayes Junior as a little
kid who knew kung fu.
Speaker 4: You had h. R.
Speaker 2: Schortzninger showed up in the movie to help support this thing,
but as a different character that wasn't Conan, and it
had all the markings and it, like and like red
Sonya is a classic literary character that is jump forward
in time. Unfortunately this movie just hit with a thud.
Speaker 4: So yeah, yeah, it was like you exactly. It had
all the pieces to say it could have been a
good movie. It just wasn't. Yeah, it was like you know,
like you can tell like you know, even to this day,
I think Arnold Schwarzinger is embarrassed having been in that movie.
And that says luck considering some of the movies he's done.
Speaker 2: But yeah, so and Clash of the Titans, like we said,
is a classic for a reason. You know that it
is It's stood the test of time, it still stands
the test of time, and it's I can watch that
right now, whereas Red Zone, Yeah, I don't need to
watch that ever.
Speaker 4: Again, I will admit, I will sit down. I've seen
Red Zonia more times than Clash of the Titans, but
it's more in uh, the same reason I've seen like
Suicide Squad multiple times in that Okay, it's so bad,
it's good, but that still doesn't make it good.
Speaker 2: So like you're talking like the Will Smith suicide Squad
and not the James Gunn suicide Squad. Okay, I got
that right, doesn't matter. Wow, Okay, I could. I couldn't
watch a movie more than once. It was just horrible anyway. Okay.
I think we all agree.
Speaker 4: Clash of the Titans, yes, yeah, right, all right, So
speeding things long now brings us to I think two
heavy hitters, Conan the Barbarian and Beastmaster.
Speaker 5: For me, there's no question. I watched Conan the Barbarian
a day and a half ago. Just I love that movie.
I it's one of those movies that we quote to
each other in my house. I fell madly in love
with Subatai, the buddy, the konamb. I love that guy,
even though he never did anything else. I think he
was a surfer when they when he got a cast
in the movie, and he went back to surfing after that.
Speaker 4: I think it was just in the movie to do
a because they needed somebody and he was doing a
friend of favor.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think, yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, But
I just I loved him. I thought he was great,
and I loved that they took the they took everything
so seriously. They did not camp it at all. That's
what happened with the Destroyer and and that's what messed
it up. You know, if they had done Destroyer as
with the seriousness that they did Barbarian, it would have
been fine, and we'd have had dozens of them.
Speaker 2: But but they did King Conan, which we never got.
Speaker 5: Right, which we never got and I was waiting for now.
Speaker 2: The thing is the reason I like the I mean, obviously,
Conan the Barbarian is one of those things. It's lasted again,
like the test of time. We've quoted, it's it's part
of the nerd zeitgeist. But it's like, there are a
lot of people who still love the books. And I
read some of the books. They just they never they
didn't do anything for me. But again, I came after
that time period. You know, I read I went back
read them. Okay, that's a lot of that's a lot
of rape, you know, that is okay, Conan, uh, But
the Conan the Barbarian was just one of those movies.
It's just it was the perfect movie at the perfect place,
at the perfect time, at the perfect cast. You know,
it just hit. I do like the story though, when
you in real life Arnold wants to push the wheel
of woe for the first time for the scene and
it was so well balanced that he fell down and
the post behind him knocked him in the head.
Speaker 4: Like, Yeah, it's one of those movies where the behind
the scenes is nearly as interesting as the movie itself.
Speaker 2: Right, you have any touchdowns with this, Bob, Yeah, really,
I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't have any strong feelings about either of these.
I'll choose Conan finally, Fine, fine, fine.
Speaker 2: Final answer. I think we can agree. I think Conan
the Barbarian goes on.
Speaker 4: All right. So now an interesting matchup we have Legend
versus Krawl, and Krawl is basically it's different in that
it's really not a sword and sorcery. It's more of
a sci fi sword and sorcery. Oh and oh and pps,
you know, speaking of sci fi sword and for the sorcery.
Fuck you for not including you were the Hunter from
the future on this, but which is we would have
just won this outright in my mind.
Speaker 2: But you agree to disagree sir, moving on, But you're right.
Krawl was with one of those like again you watched
behind the scenes things. It was supposed to be like
nine different movies and none of them ever happened, and
they filmed and they filmed and they filmed, and they
just kind of edited together this monstrosity that is somehow
the worst and best dumb movie I've seen since I
was a child.
Speaker 4: You know, something, you take away the main weapon, the
glave from this and this movie is forgettable.
Speaker 2: But yeah, you've sacrificed his life for you, sir, brought
the fire mares.
Speaker 4: How you just held look your hand. My camera's off,
but I literally just did the same thing.
Speaker 2: That was just the best, Like, oh, my flang, you
know it's it's impractical. I watched one of those stupid
nerd YouTube video things where it's like one of those
one of those mega nerves who builds and tests like
all the dork weapons from these things, and he's trying
to throw it. It's like almost cutting himself because it's
like it's curved in such a way it's gonna hurt
you no matter.
Speaker 4: What you do. Oh yeah, it is. It is like
like it's one of those like it's one of those
weapons that, like, I think anybody who loves like you know,
swort and sorts of things, you want one of those
on your wall. But you also know to never take
it down because you will hurt yourself with it. Because
it is just so bad.
Speaker 2: You legally can't have it in the house with anyone
under the age of fourteen nearby because there it's gonna
bang the way you're gonna kill a child, you know.
Speaker 4: So I absolutely love Kraull because it is such a
weird mashup and so bizarre and just and again has
another has young Leam Nissen in it, Yeph. Yeah, I
just I just absolutely love that movie.
Speaker 2: Well, the other thing about Krawl always baffled me is
like he went on his way to get the thing,
to find the spider Lady, to find the lava thing,
put his hand on lava, pull out the Kroll blade. Cool.
He throws it too the bonster at the end and
gets stuck, and then she gives in the power of
fire and he's just shooting fire like at the monster
at the end, Like, why did you even mess with
a gun? You're you're immune to fire. Fire power, motherfucker. Yeah.
So yeah, I would take Kroll.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: For me, I might actually go Legend. I think Legend
Nick Nick Feury, No, Tim Curry, same person, Tim Curry
us as Death Young Tom know, I'm actually gonna go
Legend over Krall. I do love Krawl, He's got a spot,
but Legend has multiple spots.
Speaker 4: For me.
Speaker 5: I don't actually remember Krull. I know I've watched it
back in the day, but I just if I try
to think about it, all I can remember is the
cover of the video box, and I really don't remember
the movie. So again, I yeah, I'm with you. I
got to vote for Tim Curry. I mean Legend.
Speaker 4: We really need to do an atm of Kroll.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you haven't done Krol, saying Bob, I.
Speaker 1: Don't think I've seen Kral, but I don't like sci
fi and my mystery, so my fantasy. So yeah Legend.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this one had a touch of sci fi and
there's some aliens things, so yeah, all right, So Legend
moves on, all right.
Speaker 4: All right, Now it gets a little a little more
difficult because moving to the semi.
Speaker 2: Final round semi finals.
Speaker 4: Yeah, all right, So we have Willow against Clash of
the Titans.
Speaker 5: I have one word, mad mart again, how did you know?
Speaker 2: I got a sixth CeNSE for.
Speaker 4: This Class of the Titans.
Speaker 1: Class of the Titans was really cool, but it was
it was no Willow Willow. It was for me far
more entertaining. Yep, I'm gonna I'm gonna disagree and that.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I like both of these. I really do like Willow.
But Clash of the Titans in terms of eighty was
like the epitome of like, you know, eighties cool and
there's just so much that movie offers. It is close,
don't get me wrong, But I'm gonna go with Clash.
Speaker 2: If I went with Rick would be a tie.
Speaker 6: We have.
Speaker 2: We can't go forward, so.
Speaker 4: What I am.
Speaker 2: But the reason I'm going to go with Willow is because, uh,
your everything you said is correct, you know, Like Clash
of the Titans is one. It came first, It's set
a standard. We all built off that standard. But Willow
actually follows the the the the hero's tale, the little
nothing to as something to learn from the end. It
is an adventure, it is a romp. It is a story.
And from the storytellers that we are, you learn more
from Willow than you do from Clash the Titans, and
that's why Willow for me. Will We'll move forward to
the final round.
Speaker 1: Also, what Rick was saying about the eighties Clash of
the Titans reeks of the eighties. I could watch Willow
and not realize I'm watching a movie from the eighties.
Speaker 4: I saw Willow in the theater and I just I
did have one uncomfortable audience moment because at the beginning
of the movie, when I guess Lord Dannon's mom is like,
you know, it's like, oh my my daughter will come
back and kill you, and like the bat Queen Bethmoreta
is like kill her. I let out a laugh in
the theater and literally and literally every head turned towards me,
and I was just like, well, maybe I'll just go
get some popcorns.
Speaker 2: You killed the bitch, Queen bad Mortar for life. Oh
so you gotta you got a guy in General Kale.
He's got a skull mask, and like, you know, it's like,
if you listen, it takes a lot of It takes
a lot of balls to wear the skull mask, because
you just can't show up one day to work, Like
what was the first day to work he showed up
with a skull mask, and like, are we allowed to
ask questions? Are we like? Uh, general sir bull choice,
bull choice. You haven't fought in a while, so you know,
you know, he he owned it.
Speaker 1: He owned to get a skull mask. You need to
kill something with a skull that's bigger than your face.
Speaker 2: Yeah, or he bought it, or he bought it at
a kitchen store. He got it off the fantasy version
of Etsy. Yeah, all right, the next Browns or the
next part of this, the semi these semi finals is
Conan versus Legend. This is this is again It's a
no brainer for me. Conan. Did anybody else watch the
Coneyan animated show?
Speaker 4: I did? Yeah, I remember. I love when they try
to take like bloody r ridged movies and you and
they tried to make kid shows out of them.
Speaker 2: Like Rebel Coop or Rambo.
Speaker 4: Or Highlander.
Speaker 1: Legend got far. Sorry, legend only got as far as
it got because I barely remembered it.
Speaker 4: And uh.
Speaker 2: Now it got there because it is it is an
artistic flick. And again, Tim Curry is the devil is
an Icon's it's you look up Tim Curry and like
there are certain like Rocky Horror, excuse me, Doctor Frankenfurter
and did the Devil or like the two things that
pop up the most off So, and we just rewatched Clue,
the Wife and the Kids the other day, so it's like, so, yeah, Wadsworth.
But it comes down to this, the finals, Willow versus Conan.
We got a couple of minutes of burn on this,
but not many, so.
Speaker 5: I would I'd love to have no. No, actually no,
I love both of these movies. Willow is one of
the most feminist movies that I've ever seen because you
end up at the end of this movie with three
women if you count Sortia, because she is in the
final battle fighting over control of the kingdom, and there's
there's not a man in the mix as far as
what the women are fighting over. Willow just happens to
be there because lucky him, but even he is fighting
for the sake of a woman a Laura Dannon, And
so it's an extremely feminist movie and for so many
other reasons. But I love it for that. But I'm
still gonna go for Conan because that's just that's the movie.
Speaker 4: I love that movie.
Speaker 1: Action well, I don't hate women, so willow.
Speaker 4: In many in many ways bringing that up, it's like, uh,
like Conan is kind of the opposite because it is,
like you do, kind of one of those ultimate male movies.
Speaker 2: It is male power fantasy through and through.
Speaker 4: But as much as I like to think of myself
as like you know, as an enlightened mail, if the
two are on, I'm gonna turn on Conan every fucking time.
Speaker 5: Well and kind of kind of fits. I mean, there
are feminist themes in Conan too, because how does he
get to the end. He doesn't survive the end without
the help of his woman who comes back from the
freaking dead to to make sure that he can that.
Speaker 2: He's leaning up after guys. Yeah, so I think it's
what is a bob's willow too? For Conan, I can
either tie it or king make it. Uh, we can
put in is a stale mat and will never be
an answer.
Speaker 4: But the answer, yeah, give us your honest answers, play
play into the crowd.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, no, the answer is Conan, because it is
just what's the riddle of steel willows? Like it's a pig,
it's my finger. It's the fun to hear the lamentation
of the women you know that is that is unfortunate.
The riddle of steel.
Speaker 4: You know, it's like like how many how many of
us have sat down with our with our kids and
and explained to them like crumb is your gun and
you lose it in the earth.
Speaker 2: Well actually though, but it's like steel, like steel is
not strong. Flesh is strong. James Earl Jones talks strong,
drawing like.
Speaker 4: Yeah, James Jones is just yeah, he's just kind of
like like terrifying. And then you have like Ben Davidson
and like you know, and let's spend all off.
Speaker 2: It's just yeah, yeah, without its doubt and also all
all of all those schwartz niggers like lifting palace from
the gym, like Franco Polombo is like he's just there.
He's just some weird little scout guys. All this jack
little half Barbarian staring up when he was a child.
So yeah, uh, Conyan is the movie that we are
again if we had things like you know, Beast Master,
and we had things like Lady Hawk. Conan is the
one that that it was the Star Wars of its time.
Everybody is just trying to be it, you know. So Willow,
I love you, You are a solid number two, but
Conan moves on to the to become the winner of
the Eighties Swords and Sandals movies.
Speaker 4: Solid number two. So you basically just said Willow is
shit nice. Oh yeah, I had.
Speaker 2: I had to do that for Bomb, you know.
Speaker 1: So most of these are a liquid number two.
Speaker 2: All right, with Conan at the top of the heap.
Right now, we thank everybody home for listening to this
play along, for this little battle royale of eighties for
eighties Swords and Sandals.
Speaker 4: Mos.
Speaker 2: If you have any ideas of the things you would
like for us to battle it out, songs, movies, TV shows, books, whatever,
send it to us on our discord link. Send it
to message us in the YouTube chat channel. Just get
ahold of us and tell us what it is that
you would like to see us argue about. But we've
got to take off, so.
Speaker 1: All of those Netflix fantasy shows, you can put Willow
and you can put fucking sw Tooth in there.
Speaker 2: I do like sweet Tooth, Oh God, a lot of time.
I'm talking about sweet Tooth, the monster clown guy from
from Twisted Metal. I'm telling oh no, not that shitty show,
not the Kide the Antlers, oh no, it'screa kid. You know,
I would have shot it. I thought she had the
clown thing from Twisted. Like now we're talking, you know.
But so if you want an urban fantasy TV show battle,
we can do that as well. We want to put
a supernatural on us and we don't get like the
boys anyway. That's the end of our show. Uh, reach
out to us, talk to us. Connect. I'm vamping out.
Say goodbye everybody.
Speaker 5: Bye everybody, good bye bye.
Speaker 6: Authors and Dragons brought to you under Creative Commons License,
meaning you were free to share this material so long
as credit is given to those who created it, which
is us.
Speaker 4: People.
Speaker 6: You just started to play the game, opening and closing
themes performed by the Gore Core four.
Speaker 2: That's a joy.