WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:06.440 I sat on the end of our bed, folding a 2 00:00:06.440 --> 00:00:10.480 basket of mispaired socks, my fingers moving on automatic or 3 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:13.679 my mind drifted above the room. The windows of our 4 00:00:13.720 --> 00:00:16.839 old colonial let the chill seep through. Some are barely 5 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:19.800 a rumor in the air, but I still cracked one open, 6 00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:22.879 waiting for the familiar chug of Mark's truck coming up 7 00:00:22.879 --> 00:00:27.280 the drive midnight. Again, the dryer buzzed. I didn't move. 8 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:32.079 He'd texted at seven that rescue shift eschoing long all 9 00:00:32.119 --> 00:00:35.240 hands needed, the little winking emoji. I could almost see 10 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:38.320 him peck out with his thick thumb. That was hours ago. 11 00:00:39.000 --> 00:00:41.840 I'd pressed for details, told him about the shepherd mix 12 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:45.640 we'd seen at the park, half joking about becoming foster parents. 13 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:50.119 Now that the house was so impossibly quiet, he sent back, Aha, 14 00:00:50.280 --> 00:00:54.600 maybe tell you later. I'd gone through my usual rituals, 15 00:00:54.920 --> 00:00:58.759 the laundry, the crossword I always left unfinished, refilling the 16 00:00:58.799 --> 00:01:01.039 treat jars under the prot hence the dog would know 17 00:01:01.119 --> 00:01:04.879 the difference. It was almost funny the way time suspended 18 00:01:04.920 --> 00:01:07.959 while I waited. The phone was propped up beside the 19 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:12.439 laundry basket, silent. The last message from Mark just three dots, 20 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:17.319 exhausting big intake. I heard his engine turn off at 21 00:01:17.319 --> 00:01:20.760 eleven fifty three, late even for him. I drifted to 22 00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:23.640 the front window, careful not to be obvious and silly, 23 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:26.000 but I could see the truck cab through the dogwoods, 24 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:29.280 his silhouette hunched in the driver's seat, engine dead, but 25 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:32.959 lights glowing against the dashboard. He didn't move. The beam 26 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:36.079 of his phone flashed blue now and again, thumb flicking, 27 00:01:36.159 --> 00:01:39.000 then pausing at his ear, one hand on the wheel, 28 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:41.799 the other just out of my line of sight, rubbing 29 00:01:41.840 --> 00:01:46.599 his jaw or maybe covering his mouth. Still Mark stayed there. 30 00:01:47.079 --> 00:01:50.239 Fifteen minutes may be longer, but I felt every stretch 31 00:01:50.239 --> 00:01:52.640 of it. I wanted to wave or flip on the 32 00:01:52.680 --> 00:01:55.599 porch light, just to shake him loose. But something in 33 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:59.359 the way he hunched over kept me rooted. He finally 34 00:01:59.359 --> 00:02:02.599 came in at court past the door opened gently, as 35 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:06.400 if afraid of waking someone. He called Anna in that 36 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:11.599 careful tone, bright forced cheerfulness, stretching his words in here, 37 00:02:11.879 --> 00:02:14.879 I called back. The socks in my hand were mismatched. 38 00:02:14.919 --> 00:02:19.120 Still I shoved one beneath the pile. He padded into 39 00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:22.039 the room, his step oddly light for a man his size. 40 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:26.039 His hair was damp, stubble, carefully trimmed. He looked thinner 41 00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:29.280 than I'd noticed last week, slimmer in the jaw chest, 42 00:02:29.319 --> 00:02:32.159 puffed from that high visibility fleece jacket he wore for 43 00:02:32.199 --> 00:02:35.479 the rescue work. He grinned, leaning into the door frame. 44 00:02:36.199 --> 00:02:40.240 Sorry so late, big case to night. You smell like 45 00:02:40.280 --> 00:02:43.800 the pound, I teased, trying for the old rappawt. But 46 00:02:43.879 --> 00:02:47.560 what hovered beneath the dog bleach and sweat was a faint, sweet, 47 00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:52.120 flowery scent I couldn't place. Not laundry detergent, not our soap, 48 00:02:52.599 --> 00:02:56.319 something sharp, almost powdery, clinging to the collar of his sweater. 49 00:02:57.400 --> 00:03:00.639 It was chaos. Huskies everywhere, and a hit bull that 50 00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:04.120 wanted to eat the universe. He laughed, But it sounded 51 00:03:04.159 --> 00:03:08.120 polished safe. You should have seen the volunteers, pure panic, 52 00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:12.439 I pressed gently. Sounds like a war zone. Who all 53 00:03:12.599 --> 00:03:16.400 was there? Mark shrugged it off, tossing his jacket over 54 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:20.120 the chair, mostly the usual Laurie freaked out, But we 55 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:23.159 got them all sorted. I'm beat. He picked up the 56 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:26.199 remote for a second, then abandoned it. I'll shower and 57 00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:31.719 crash early run tomorrow. He kissed my head, perfunctory but practiced, 58 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.039 and ducked into the hall before I could offer to 59 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:37.879 make him tea. The bathroom door closed with a hush. 60 00:03:38.120 --> 00:03:41.960 I stared at the laundry, hands tightening around the cool fabric, 61 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:45.080 the scent lingering in the air long after he'd crossed 62 00:03:45.080 --> 00:03:48.719 the room. The next morning was a blur mark out 63 00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:51.319 the door with his lunch at sunrise, leaving only a 64 00:03:51.319 --> 00:03:54.280 note on the coffee maker, love you, Sorry for the 65 00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:57.159 late night. We'll make it up to you. M I 66 00:03:57.280 --> 00:04:00.360 checked the clock, then the calendar, then propelled myself through 67 00:04:00.360 --> 00:04:04.439 my own dawn routine. The house sounded wrong somehow, our 68 00:04:04.520 --> 00:04:07.919 son's old trophies glinting on the shelf, my daughter's stack 69 00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:11.319 of college brochures still gathering dust on the entry table. 70 00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:15.599 I told myself to let it go. Years of shift work, 71 00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:20.160 odd hours, mismatched days of the week. Still I kept drifting, 72 00:04:20.439 --> 00:04:22.680 coming back, not just to the time he stayed out, 73 00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.079 but to the way he sat in the dark, to 74 00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:28.600 the perfume or whatever it was i'd inhaled on his sweater. 75 00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:33.079 There was no reason to ask, and every reason not to. 76 00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:35.720 A neighbor waved on my way to the car. Linda 77 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:38.800 her two terriers yapping at her side. She was in 78 00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:42.399 her robe, coffee mug in her hand, grinning in that wide, 79 00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:46.360 nosy way she had late night for Mark. Ha she 80 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:51.600 called big rescue thing. I kept it casual, juggling keys, 81 00:04:51.879 --> 00:04:54.240 pretending my life was as tidy as it looked on 82 00:04:54.279 --> 00:04:58.160 the outside. But Linda cocked her head saw him pulling in. 83 00:04:58.519 --> 00:05:01.120 He's a good guy, always looks out for the strays. 84 00:05:01.399 --> 00:05:05.399 Bless you both. I smiled and called thanks, but her 85 00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:09.199 words sat strangely. Bless you both, as if we were 86 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:13.800 being watched, evaluated, congratulated for a partnership. I wasn't sure 87 00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:17.279 how to describe any more. On the drive to work, 88 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:21.639 my phone buzzed an automated reminder for our anniversary dinner, 89 00:05:21.879 --> 00:05:25.560 booked at the inner week prior. I stared at the appointment, 90 00:05:25.879 --> 00:05:28.759 then at the unchanged ring on my finger, and forced 91 00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:32.160 myself not to think about the scent again. During my 92 00:05:32.279 --> 00:05:35.680 lunch break. In the weird lull between classes, I pulled 93 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.160 out my phone to scroll through photos of our last 94 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:42.319 year together. There was Mark at the kid's graduation, arms folded, 95 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:44.959 the two of us squeezed in beside our grinning daughter 96 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:48.240 who'd insisted we hold her dog for the picture. There 97 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:50.759 was Mark and me on the ferry during our main vacation. 98 00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.720 He looked slightly seasick. I looked wind blown, both of 99 00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:57.600 us in matching second hand Parker's because it had been 100 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:02.160 colder than we'd planned. Those trips, those rituals, they'd been 101 00:06:02.199 --> 00:06:04.720 our life. Birthday cake in the same spot at the 102 00:06:04.759 --> 00:06:08.480 lake every July fourth Sundays for church and scrambled eggs, 103 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.240 Me asking about the Steelers, just so Mark could gloat 104 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:15.720 or grumble. A thousand little traditions, comforting as Grandard's quilt 105 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:19.399 that stitched us together. We de raised two kids, put 106 00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:23.439 them through dental drama and endless soccer tournaments, survived cancer 107 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:27.439 scares and Mark's ankle surgery. A house wasn't magazine neat, 108 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:31.720 but there was order to it, there was safety. The 109 00:06:31.800 --> 00:06:34.920 intimacy faded over the years. Sure, what did anyone my 110 00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:38.199 age say, honestly? But we still took our road trips, 111 00:06:38.439 --> 00:06:41.680 found ways to keep each other company. We'd even started 112 00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:45.360 a ritual of Friday night curry, eating together with no phones, 113 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:50.319 feet tangled under the table. Sometimes he'd watch Jeopardy with me, 114 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:54.600 making elaborate guesses and running commentary until we both collapsed 115 00:06:54.600 --> 00:06:58.560 in laughter. Other nights it was me with lesson plans, 116 00:06:58.920 --> 00:07:03.199 him browsing some our repair forum, silence between us, but comfortable. 117 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:06.839 We de buried a lot of small talk over the years, 118 00:07:07.199 --> 00:07:09.680 but I'd never thought of that as losing each other. 119 00:07:10.680 --> 00:07:13.800 The volunteering was new, a burst of energy after our 120 00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:17.680 son left for college. Mark had been steady, satisfied with work, 121 00:07:17.879 --> 00:07:20.600 not one for hobbies. Suddenly he was on fire for 122 00:07:20.720 --> 00:07:24.879 dog rescue, empty nest crisis. My sister teased, I had 123 00:07:24.959 --> 00:07:28.240 laughed and said maybe, but secretly admired him. At least 124 00:07:28.279 --> 00:07:31.199 Mark had passion. At first, he'd wrote me into it, 125 00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:34.600 showing me online photos of the animals, recruiting me to 126 00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:39.680 help with fundraising mailers. His texts, once all practicalities about 127 00:07:39.720 --> 00:07:45.120 groceries and schedules, shifted funny memes about scruffy pitbulls, late 128 00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:48.519 night rescue jokes between Laurie from the shelter and a 129 00:07:48.560 --> 00:07:52.800 network of other volunteers whose names I'd never learned. But 130 00:07:52.879 --> 00:07:56.639 then it changed. The texts became constant. His phone, which 131 00:07:56.720 --> 00:07:59.519 used to sit battery dead on the kitchen counter, was 132 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:03.480 always face down, always freshly charged. He started waking before 133 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:07.279 dawn to jog trimmer every week, new running shoes replacing 134 00:08:07.319 --> 00:08:11.519 his battered old boots. He bought vitamins, shaved daily instead 135 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:14.600 of every other. He planned his weak around shelter shifts, 136 00:08:14.839 --> 00:08:17.839 even swapping work roots to be around on intake days. 137 00:08:18.439 --> 00:08:23.120 He'd never looked so engaged. Friends began to notice. Look 138 00:08:23.120 --> 00:08:26.439 at Mark, My sister crowed at Sunday brunch, elbowing me. 139 00:08:26.959 --> 00:08:29.879 Next he'll be in a triathlon. There was something else 140 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.519 in her tone, a nudge half serious. Is this midlife 141 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:36.279 thing rubbing off on you too? I brushed it off, 142 00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:40.639 pretending to be amused, but the question stuck. Sometimes, after 143 00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:43.279 he dropped his gim bag on the foyer bench Mark 144 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:46.120 would flop beside me on the couch, sweat still clinging 145 00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:50.039 to his temples, raving about Laurie, her new fundraising ideas, 146 00:08:50.039 --> 00:08:53.279 her sense of humor. You'd like her, he'd insist. She's 147 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:55.879 a little nuts, but in a good rescue way. But 148 00:08:55.919 --> 00:08:57.919 if I tried to tag along for a shift, he'd 149 00:08:57.960 --> 00:09:02.200 glibly object. Insurance rules, honey, and those dogs, half of 150 00:09:02.200 --> 00:09:05.320 them would try to bite you. His eyes darted away. 151 00:09:06.440 --> 00:09:09.360 Was he searching for meaning, filling the silence left when 152 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:12.159 our children left, or stepping into some new version of 153 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:15.120 life I hadn't been invited to join. Were we just 154 00:09:15.159 --> 00:09:18.120 two strangers residing in the same four walls, each of 155 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:22.440 us inventing justifications for our changing patterns. Sometimes he'd grabbed 156 00:09:22.480 --> 00:09:26.559 my hand at dinner, playful, affectionate. Other nights, I'd watch 157 00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:30.759 him hover over his phone, absorbed, smiling privately, a look 158 00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:34.039 I hadn't seen since we were dating. The story I 159 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:36.960 told myself was that everyone had to adapt. The world 160 00:09:36.960 --> 00:09:40.639 didn't stop spinning just because we were older. Still, there 161 00:09:40.639 --> 00:09:43.440 were moments I stood in the kitchen staring at my mug, 162 00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:45.679 trying to recall the feel of his hand on my 163 00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:48.159 back while I cooked, or the sound of his laughter 164 00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:51.360 at a private joke, small details that used to define 165 00:09:51.360 --> 00:09:55.720 our connection. Instead, I found absence, replaced by a routine 166 00:09:55.759 --> 00:10:01.440 that sometimes felt like choreography. Each step prescribed the mas gone. 167 00:10:01.679 --> 00:10:04.879 I chalked it up to adjustment, empty nest, one cycle 168 00:10:04.919 --> 00:10:09.039 of life closing another opening. Sometimes hope sprung up, bright 169 00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:12.480 and stubborn. Maybe this was our chance, the quiet after 170 00:10:12.519 --> 00:10:16.559 the storm, time to become partners rather than taskmasters. But 171 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:19.799 then I'd find myself eating dinner alone, listening for the 172 00:10:19.879 --> 00:10:24.320 rumble of Mark's truck, my mind circling, restless and unfinished. 173 00:10:25.320 --> 00:10:28.879 Two weeks later, I was walking our ancient spaniel Cricket, 174 00:10:29.159 --> 00:10:32.080 looping around the block under a wet canopy of oak leaves. 175 00:10:32.600 --> 00:10:36.039 Our neighbor, Linda, ever the busybody, flagged me down with 176 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:39.559 a wave. Anna, you must be so proud of Mark, 177 00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:44.240 she called, breath puffing into the cool air. I blinked, 178 00:10:44.279 --> 00:10:48.559 trying to juggle Cricket's leash while maintaining neighborly cheer. What's 179 00:10:48.559 --> 00:10:52.720 he done now? Oh, the animal rescue fundraiser. He was 180 00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:56.960 quite the star. Every One was crowding around big blond lady, 181 00:10:57.159 --> 00:11:00.200 a few younger gals and Laurie. I think they had 182 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:04.879 champagne and a photographer. Didn't you go, I laughed, hoping 183 00:11:04.919 --> 00:11:08.480 it sounded natural. No, I must have missed it. Mark 184 00:11:08.559 --> 00:11:13.279 didn't mention a big event, probably swamped. Linda shook her head, 185 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:16.600 dogs barking at a passing squirrel. Lucky they have you 186 00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:20.279 at home. Then she wandered off, trailing gossip in her wake. 187 00:11:21.320 --> 00:11:24.600 I stood frozen on the sidewalk, awkwardly bending to fuss 188 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:29.000 with cricket's harness. My mind racing Mark attending a fundraiser, 189 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:33.679 surrounded by strangers posing for pictures without once mentioning it 190 00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:37.159 to me. I'd been home alone that night, scrolling through 191 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:41.279 rescue updates, watching TV in my pajamas, thinking maybe he'd 192 00:11:41.320 --> 00:11:45.240 come home with a stray or a story. Later that evening, 193 00:11:45.480 --> 00:11:48.000 I poured myself a glass of wine and sat at 194 00:11:48.039 --> 00:11:52.480 the kitchen table, laptop open. I typed Centerville Animal Rescue 195 00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:57.440 Fundraiser into Facebook, then wider hashtags, shelter page event posts, 196 00:11:57.879 --> 00:12:00.799 a few blurry photos of dogs in sana hats, some 197 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:04.240 snapshots of Laurie speaking, but no big group shots, no 198 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:08.120 images of Mark, no sign of the lively, champagne fueled 199 00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:12.679 social scene my neighbor had described. I poked further Instagram, 200 00:12:12.919 --> 00:12:16.320 hunting for names I half remembered from Mark's stories. Nothing 201 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:20.559 meaningful surfaced, odd for an event Linda had described as packed. 202 00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:24.320 The only podcasts or updates from the shelter were patches 203 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:28.759 of fundraising thermometers and blurry flyer reposts. Nothing that felt grand. 204 00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:32.159 I lingered on a video of Laurie welcoming new volunteers. 205 00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:36.000 A short clip recorded in the kitchen. Mark's voice was 206 00:12:36.039 --> 00:12:39.279 audible off camera, barking out a joke, but he wasn't 207 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:43.000 in the frame. When Mark got home that night carrying 208 00:12:43.039 --> 00:12:46.720 bags of takeout, I pressed gently as we unpacked the food. 209 00:12:47.399 --> 00:12:50.879 Linda mentioned you were the star at the fundraiser, champagne 210 00:12:50.919 --> 00:12:55.320 and everything. He fumbled briefly with the bags. Oh that 211 00:12:55.840 --> 00:12:58.200 it was just a quick meet and greet. Nothing major. 212 00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:01.679 People exaggerate. I'm mostly helped with set up and left 213 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:04.480 before it got rowdy. He picked up a packet of 214 00:13:04.519 --> 00:13:07.919 soy sauce, tossing it toward me. What's on t V? 215 00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:12.120 I let it slide, spinning the packet between my fingers, 216 00:13:12.399 --> 00:13:15.399 watching the tension slide from his shoulders as I shifted 217 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:19.240 the subject to an inane debate about Netflix's documentaries. But 218 00:13:19.320 --> 00:13:22.080 the air in the kitchen felt different, like wall paper 219 00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:24.960 pealing at the corners. I tried to laugh it off, 220 00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:29.480 making a joke about Linda's wild imagination. Still, even when 221 00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:32.519 Mark laughed with me, the silence between us was full 222 00:13:32.519 --> 00:13:36.960 of holes, old warmth giving way to a draft. Days 223 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:40.039 tumbled one into the next. I swung from hope to 224 00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:44.279 suspicion and back again, convincing myself most days that everything 225 00:13:44.360 --> 00:13:49.320 unusual was, if not harmless, at least explicable. Then one 226 00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:53.039 quiet Thursday, the credit card statement arrived in my inbox, 227 00:13:53.399 --> 00:13:56.000 flagged for review because of a declined purchase at the 228 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:59.679 grocery store. I logged in, expecting to see the usual 229 00:14:00.120 --> 00:14:03.639 gas stations, Mark's cracker barrel breakfasts on the road, the 230 00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:07.480 heat of repair bill i'd forgotten. Instead, three bright red 231 00:14:07.559 --> 00:14:10.519 charges blinked back at me. Two to bistros I'd never 232 00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:14.120 heard of, one to Urban Wild Boutique, a new shop 233 00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:18.879 i'd glimpsed on Maine. The times matched Marks supposed rescue 234 00:14:18.919 --> 00:14:22.919 supply runs Friday nights when he'd come home late, complaining 235 00:14:22.960 --> 00:14:26.600 about meeting with Laurie about inventory, brushing me off when 236 00:14:26.600 --> 00:14:29.960 I'd offered to help. The restaurant charges posted on the 237 00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:32.639 same nights he claimed to be at the shelter feeding 238 00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:37.279 dogs alone. Looking deeper, I saw entries a late night 239 00:14:37.440 --> 00:14:40.360 charge at Brass Lantern Bistro, one in the name of 240 00:14:40.519 --> 00:14:43.720 Ginger Pear Retail, both dressed up as dinner for staff, 241 00:14:44.519 --> 00:14:47.519 neither match to date. I remembered Mark eating out with 242 00:14:47.639 --> 00:14:51.759 any one from church, family or his work buddies. I 243 00:14:51.840 --> 00:14:55.120 called him at work, flustered, hoping to sound more harried 244 00:14:55.200 --> 00:14:58.840 than inquisitive. Hey, just a quick one. Did you use 245 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:01.919 the card at Urban wa old boutique? They flagged it? 246 00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:07.639 Mark was quick, too quick? Oh, probably Laurie needed dog bedding, 247 00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:10.519 but they were out of cash for reimbursement. I put 248 00:15:10.519 --> 00:15:13.960 it on our account and the bestro was that a 249 00:15:14.039 --> 00:15:18.919 rescue thing too. He made a noise, affectionately annoyed, playful. 250 00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:22.519 You know how Laurie is last minute thank you dinner 251 00:15:22.519 --> 00:15:25.879 for the weekend crew. Don't worry, honey, the non profit 252 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:29.759 will cover it. He chuckled, offered to swing by, later 253 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:34.200 asked if I needed anything, but the conversation lasted thirty 254 00:15:34.279 --> 00:15:38.759 seconds after my question, then trailed off to static. Later 255 00:15:38.879 --> 00:15:41.559 that week, I brought up the idea of helping on 256 00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:45.559 his supply runs. Mark closed the fridge with more force 257 00:15:45.679 --> 00:15:49.879 than usual, milk sloshing in the jug. Honestly, Anna, it's 258 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:53.679 a mess down there. Insurance won't even cover spouses, and 259 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:57.399 Laurie gets so anxious with strangers. Plus you hate cleaning 260 00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:01.919 out crates. He took my hand and half laughing, half serious, 261 00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:05.200 Let's keep rescue my thing. O, K, you do real 262 00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:08.080 good at school. I do real good at dogs. Win win. 263 00:16:09.240 --> 00:16:12.080 I let him squeeze my hand. He smiled at me, 264 00:16:12.440 --> 00:16:15.759 then left for his emergency drop off, pecking the top 265 00:16:15.799 --> 00:16:18.960 of my head on his way out. Nights got later, 266 00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:22.279 Mark less present. Even when he was home, he'd collapse 267 00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:25.000 on the couch, worn to the bone, but eyes alert, 268 00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:28.159 phone never far. His old hobby of tinkering in the 269 00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:31.279 garage faded. I missed the scent of metal and oil, 270 00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:35.399 replaced now with fruit flavored protein bars, the acrid tinge 271 00:16:35.399 --> 00:16:38.879 of sports detergent, and always just at the edge of things, 272 00:16:39.120 --> 00:16:43.240 a powdery whiff, persistent and unknowable. I used to think 273 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:46.039 I knew all of Mark's moods, the rise and fall 274 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:48.919 of his enthusiasms, the way he'd throw himself at a 275 00:16:48.919 --> 00:16:52.159 home project, then drop it for weeks. This was new. 276 00:16:52.639 --> 00:16:55.240 When he spoke about rescue work, he'd glow in a 277 00:16:55.279 --> 00:16:57.720 way he hadn't since our courtship. It should have made 278 00:16:57.759 --> 00:17:01.440 me glad, But instead, when he talked about Laurie, her chaos, 279 00:17:01.559 --> 00:17:05.559 her creativity, how she gets stuff done, sent something tightening 280 00:17:05.559 --> 00:17:09.839 in my chest. At the supermarket, paying for groceries, my 281 00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:14.279 card failed again, the PINpad blinking in refusal. The manager 282 00:17:14.359 --> 00:17:17.640 ran it through and apologized for the inconvenience, letting me 283 00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:20.759 buy with a wink. I checked our balance that night, 284 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:25.759 a string of small, unexpected with drawers. I mentioned my 285 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:29.799 frustration to Mark during dinner, low stakes, hoping just for reassurance. 286 00:17:30.200 --> 00:17:34.240 He smiled, all easy charm, the rescuer counting's a disaster 287 00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:37.359 right now, but it'll be sorted out soon. It's just 288 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:41.440 small potatoes. Then, before I could ask more, he bumped 289 00:17:41.480 --> 00:17:44.640 my shoulder, nodding toward a video looping on his phone. 290 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:48.319 You've got to see Laurie's new promo. She's gone viral. 291 00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:53.880 If I pressed to meet the team, Mark became mildly defensive. Honey, 292 00:17:54.039 --> 00:17:57.559 those long shifts are just sweaty chaos. Last time I 293 00:17:57.599 --> 00:18:01.279 brought a spouse, the pit bull knocked her down. I 294 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:05.559 heard about his rescue friends in anecdotes, always colorful, always 295 00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:08.359 with Laurie at the center, But somehow none of them 296 00:18:08.400 --> 00:18:11.119 showed up in our lives. I'd never been invited to 297 00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:14.359 the shelter for an event, never been introduced to the group. 298 00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:17.039 When I ran into Roberta at the coffee shop, a 299 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:20.799 mutual friend Mark had name dropped. Once I asked innocuously, 300 00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:25.240 Mark says he volunteers with you a lot, small world. 301 00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:29.160 Roberta looked puzzled Mark. He came in on a set 302 00:18:29.240 --> 00:18:32.680 up shift, but I mostly worked transport with Ken. Maybe 303 00:18:32.680 --> 00:18:37.000 we overlapped one morning, hard to keep track. Her tone 304 00:18:37.119 --> 00:18:41.960 wasn't unfriendly, just distracted and somewhat dismissive, but it left 305 00:18:41.960 --> 00:18:45.160 a gap in the narrative. I thought I knew. I 306 00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:48.000 confessed my worries to my sister Rachel over the phone, 307 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:51.319 the words sticky in my throat. Do you think I'm 308 00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:55.920 imagining this? Maybe I'm just being needy? Rachel didn't say 309 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.160 yes or no. She offered a non committal Men can 310 00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:03.119 get weird when routines change, But Anna, you have instincts 311 00:19:03.119 --> 00:19:06.720 for a reason. I tried to laugh it off, blaming 312 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:10.039 my mood on work stress. But late at night, when 313 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:12.880 Mark's side of the bed reeked of ibuprofen and that 314 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:17.359 faint perfume, my mind kept excavating. If this was mid life, 315 00:19:17.519 --> 00:19:21.559 why did it hurt so much? Another Friday, Mark left 316 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:24.440 for what he claimed would be an exhausting transport run, 317 00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:29.920 craziest logistics yet, dogs everywhere. I watched him shave, carefully 318 00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.720 aligning the edge of his beard, fumbling with the buttons 319 00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:35.279 on a new shirt he'd never worn to work. He 320 00:19:35.319 --> 00:19:39.799 seemed energized, humming spritz in cologne, not his usual musky scent, 321 00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:44.960 something floral and unfamiliar. He stayed out until two, when 322 00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:48.559 he returned, sliding into bed beside me. I feigned sleep, 323 00:19:48.759 --> 00:19:51.680 my heart thudding. I waited for him to reach for me, 324 00:19:51.799 --> 00:19:54.880 say something, but he simply rolled to his side. The 325 00:19:54.960 --> 00:19:58.960 space between us a mile wide. Weeks blended into a 326 00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:02.920 rhythm of half truth, mark losing track of anniversaries, forgetting 327 00:20:02.920 --> 00:20:05.759 to fill out paperwork for our summer trip, turning down 328 00:20:05.799 --> 00:20:09.200 invitations to church potlucks. When I reminded him of our 329 00:20:09.240 --> 00:20:14.599 anniversary dinner reservation, he groaned, half apologetic. Damn, honey, I 330 00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:18.839 totally dropped the ball. Next week, my brain's fried work 331 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:21.559 had me on East Coast Dispatch every day this week. 332 00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:24.839 He tried to make it better, taking me out for 333 00:20:24.920 --> 00:20:28.160 frozen yogurt at the drive through, a sad replacement for 334 00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:32.359 the quiet elegance I'd hoped for. He was distracted, checking 335 00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:36.079 his phone, smiling at names I didn't recognize. Lighting up 336 00:20:36.079 --> 00:20:39.480 the screen. One Saturday, I was at the park with 337 00:20:39.559 --> 00:20:43.039 Cricket when a woman stopped me beside the fountain, peering 338 00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:47.279 down at the dog's collar. Oh is that cricket. My 339 00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:51.039 Daisy was rescued by a volunteer named Mark just last month. 340 00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:55.640 He was wonderful, really went out of his way. I blinked, 341 00:20:55.640 --> 00:20:59.599 holding back surprise. That's my husband, I told her, my 342 00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:03.680 voice almost not my own. Oh, you're so lucky. He 343 00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:06.799 even drove Daisy clear out to Pine Grove. Said I 344 00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:10.920 shouldn't thank the shelter, just support the work. Such a sweetheart. 345 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:14.960 Mark had never mentioned this rescue or any trip to 346 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:19.240 Pine Grove. That night, I told Mark the story, hinting 347 00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:22.079 that I'd like to come along next time. He only 348 00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:26.839 smiled mildly amused, and muttered something about liability and Laury 349 00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:31.440 being uptight about guests. I found myself replaying all the 350 00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:36.359 excuses in my mind, holding them up to the light. Insurance, liability, 351 00:21:36.599 --> 00:21:41.319 dog anxiety, transport chaos, spouses getting in the way. Had 352 00:21:41.359 --> 00:21:44.720 all these tiny lies simply patched over busy schedules? Why 353 00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:47.599 did he laugh it all off, gloss over obvious questions, 354 00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:51.200 act as if concern was a sign of weakness, or worse, 355 00:21:51.720 --> 00:21:54.720 was it my own fear talking, an unwillingness to admit 356 00:21:54.759 --> 00:21:56.880 the truths that seemed to hover at the periphery of 357 00:21:56.920 --> 00:22:01.319 our lives. One evening, unsure which straw would break the silence, 358 00:22:01.559 --> 00:22:05.440 I decided to try directness. I cooked dinner herb chicken, 359 00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:08.519 the kind he always pretended to hate, and waited for 360 00:22:08.599 --> 00:22:12.279 him to come home. When Mark arrived, carrying his jim 361 00:22:12.359 --> 00:22:15.640 bag and the scent of that familiarunknown floral, he seemed 362 00:22:15.680 --> 00:22:18.559 put off by the candle eyed lit the playlist I'd 363 00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:22.759 queued up, a vain attempt to recapture a feeling he 364 00:22:22.920 --> 00:22:25.920 ate with. Gusto praised the meal, but something about the 365 00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:29.480 way his eyes never quite settled unnerved me. I put 366 00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:33.960 down my fork, stealing myself. Mark, can I be honest, 367 00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:37.039 I feel left out. I want to help with rescue, 368 00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:41.160 I miss us. He stopped fork in, madea then put 369 00:22:41.160 --> 00:22:44.880 it down softly, as if afraid to break anything. Anna, 370 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:48.400 I'm sorry. I didn't realize I'd been so obsessed. I 371 00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:51.319 just want to do good. I'll bring you in next weekend, 372 00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:55.880 show you the ropes. His smile seemed genuine, perhaps more 373 00:22:55.920 --> 00:23:00.279 tired than defensive. For a moment I believed him. The 374 00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:03.839 shelter was nothing like I'd expected. We arrived mid morning, 375 00:23:03.960 --> 00:23:08.160 Marks seemingly nervous of a familiar chattering about cleaning stations 376 00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:11.640 and emergency plans, making jokes that didn't quite land. The 377 00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.799 building was haphazard, stacks of bleach stained towels, rescue crates 378 00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:20.640 huddled like refugees across the cement floor. Staff frazzled and impatient, 379 00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:24.400 moved with purpose but no warmth. I met Laurie, a 380 00:23:24.480 --> 00:23:29.279 decade younger than us, trim, bespectacled, intense. She greeted me 381 00:23:29.319 --> 00:23:32.640 politely and then was gone, phone pressed to her ear 382 00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:36.680 giving orders in clipped tones. Mark showed me how to 383 00:23:36.680 --> 00:23:39.440 fill water bowls, circled with me around the cat room, 384 00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:42.960 but everywhere we went I felt surplus. I asked Laurie 385 00:23:42.960 --> 00:23:46.559 about volunteer events, tried to make conversation about the fundraiser. 386 00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:50.359 She answered vaguely, then excused herself for a call. Mark 387 00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:53.599 kept trying to include me, isn't she a dynamo? But 388 00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:56.720 he seemed stilted, watching me more than the dogs. I 389 00:23:56.759 --> 00:23:59.799 caught him fidgeting, glancing at his phone, checking the time 390 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:03.920 every ten minutes. After an hour, Mark declared the hurricane 391 00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:06.920 shelter not its best self and hustled me back to 392 00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:10.240 the car. You see why it's chaos, he said, with 393 00:24:10.319 --> 00:24:13.720 a forced laugh. Maybe next time you'll catch the magic. 394 00:24:14.759 --> 00:24:18.039 For a few days I did relax. Mark was attentive, 395 00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:22.079 sending funny memes, bringing home take out, rewatching old movies 396 00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:25.839 with me. My heart thawed slightly. I started to believe 397 00:24:25.880 --> 00:24:29.640 I d invented the distance between us, that maybe grief 398 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:33.839 for our children's absence had warped my perspective. But worry 399 00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:38.079 is patient. One afternoon, taking out a rumpled pile of recycling, 400 00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:40.920 I found a pretty gold embossed card wedged in the 401 00:24:40.920 --> 00:24:43.920