WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:06.000 Rain pecked at my hold an erratic best as I 2 00:00:06.040 --> 00:00:08.960 walked up Franklin Avenue, a boring blue grocery bag, bruising 3 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:11.000 my palm and my jacket soaked for along the scenes. 4 00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:13.119 By the time minion of the Irk barrel bar flickered 5 00:00:13.119 --> 00:00:16.079 into view, it was Thursday night, which men game night 6 00:00:16.120 --> 00:00:18.320 for Matt and the rest of the crew. Usually anyway, 7 00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:20.920 there'd be a big group hunched over settlers with something obscure, 8 00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:23.679 arguing about Hal's rules, while the bartender threaded between chairs 9 00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:26.719 with pitchers of something happy. I always liked watching through 10 00:00:26.719 --> 00:00:29.120 the window, seeing Matt's head bent next to kas on myes, 11 00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:31.399 hands folded in that deliberate where he had to careful 12 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:34.399 with game pieces, careful with everything. To night, I paused 13 00:00:34.399 --> 00:00:37.520 outside on the sidewalk. The glass was streaky, with rain 14 00:00:37.679 --> 00:00:40.840 blurring the inside into patches of warm yellow and shifting shadows, 15 00:00:40.920 --> 00:00:42.359 but I could make out a closter near of the 16 00:00:42.359 --> 00:00:47.200 tavern's back wall. Someone I squinted was adjustin laugh if 17 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:49.640 the head thrown back, and for half second the condensation 18 00:00:49.719 --> 00:00:52.000 cleared enough for me to spot Matt, unmistakable in his 19 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:55.200 thrift store navy's sweater. I thought about waving just out 20 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:57.079 of habit. But my phone chirupt as I fished out 21 00:00:57.119 --> 00:00:59.240 a message from Matt, probably sent half an hour ago, 22 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:02.320 just the guys to night, don't wag up, love you. 23 00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:05.959 I stayed at the text, weigh it. The word felt gentle, 24 00:01:06.040 --> 00:01:08.879 intentionally and intrusive, like the conversational equivalent of a do 25 00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:11.719 not disturb sign hung on a hotel knob. It was 26 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:13.719 the third time in the last month he'd said something 27 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:16.040 like that, always with a soft edge, never at a man, 28 00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:19.400 but a nudge, like a little invisible barrier. I looked 29 00:01:19.400 --> 00:01:21.879 back at the window. Cats and tiles glowed on the 30 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.560 table top, the colors running into each other behind glass, 31 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:27.200 the urge to slip inside, just for a minute, to 32 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:29.159 say hi, to remind the room I still existed, and 33 00:01:29.159 --> 00:01:32.719 it fluttered up, fainted and a little embarrassing. I shifted 34 00:01:32.719 --> 00:01:35.599 the groceries against my thigh. It would be weird, I 35 00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:38.120 told myself. I was close to all of them, but 36 00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:41.359 Matt had been oddly insistent lately. I pictured myself dripping 37 00:01:41.359 --> 00:01:43.840 by the hostess stand, trying to spot familiar faces, as 38 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:46.040 someone shuffled over to tell me a little too quietly 39 00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:48.519 that to night was just the crew. The rain darted 40 00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:51.120 under my collar. I pulled my jacket clothes and turned away. 41 00:01:51.719 --> 00:01:53.640 That's when I noticed my Ron just In, coming up 42 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.519 the street from the opposite direction, arms wrapped around each other, 43 00:01:57.079 --> 00:01:59.920 their gatesload. As they approached, my smile flickered on too bright, 44 00:02:00.040 --> 00:02:03.040 and Justin pushed his glasses up, nearly dropping the takeout 45 00:02:03.079 --> 00:02:07.239 back he carried Hey erin Maya's voice carried over the 46 00:02:07.239 --> 00:02:11.080 slush of passing cars. Out late, I argue, I smiled, 47 00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:13.759 tucking my damp hair behind my ear, just picking up 48 00:02:13.759 --> 00:02:17.199 some stuff from the market. You guys heading out. Justin's 49 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:20.520 response was delayed enough to sand off. Yeah, hay yah. 50 00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:23.719 Early morning tomorrow, they shared a glance, not quite secretive, 51 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:26.280 but not inviting me deeper either in the glow of 52 00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:28.560 the street light, my looked tired or maybe just colder 53 00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:31.879 than usual. She opened her mouth, then closed it, settling 54 00:02:31.879 --> 00:02:33.879 for a quick we should do brunch. Soon before they 55 00:02:33.960 --> 00:02:37.280 hurried past, choe squelching on the wet concrete. I stood 56 00:02:37.280 --> 00:02:39.960 for a moment, groceries, getting heavier, feeling a wid sense 57 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:41.759 of being stuck outside a bubble I used to be 58 00:02:41.800 --> 00:02:44.479 inside by default. I shook it off. Maybe they were 59 00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:46.479 just tired, but the echo of their glances clung to 60 00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:48.560 me as I walked the last block home, jacket damp 61 00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:51.639 and city lights, skating across puddles. The elevator up to 62 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:54.120 our floe was ancient and slow, humming to itself as 63 00:02:54.120 --> 00:02:56.879 I leaned against the mirror wall. Our building was one 64 00:02:56.879 --> 00:03:00.199 of those redunwarehouse LOFs, exposed brick squeaky floors, cheap ran 65 00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:03.400 back when we signed, now prized, fined. I unlocked the 66 00:03:03.400 --> 00:03:05.199 door and was met by a tangle of cats at 67 00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:07.479 my feet, the tom smacking at the grocery bag, and 68 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.800 the smaller one winding herself between my ankles. I collapsed 69 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:12.639 a bag on the kitchen table and loaded out milk 70 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:15.400 and rawmen and over price berries. For a minute, the 71 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:18.680 apartment felt smaller than usual. My reflection pulsed in the 72 00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:21.479 microwaved door, a little more tired maybe, but mostly just 73 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:25.120 wet and hungry. The rain battered the windows. I turned 74 00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:27.319 on the Playliss. Matt and I had been building for months, 75 00:03:27.319 --> 00:03:30.120 something upbeat, just to light in the evening. I'd see 76 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:33.400 him later. I told myself, this was nothing, just a night, 77 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.199 just a little in planid distance. But as the cats 78 00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:38.240 dashed under fruit and passed a boiled on the stove, 79 00:03:38.360 --> 00:03:41.159 the edges of that feeling lingered, like I glimpsed the 80 00:03:41.159 --> 00:03:43.000 theater sat that was supposed to be home, and for 81 00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:44.840 a second saw the seams at the back were only 82 00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:48.159 the actors ever walked. Matt and I first met in college, 83 00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:50.400 him hunched over a battered think pad at a coffee 84 00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:52.879 shop where I spent half my sophomore year designing logos 85 00:03:52.879 --> 00:03:55.680 for a campus non profit. I had watched him for weeks. 86 00:03:55.719 --> 00:03:58.280 A blow of hoodies and loose leaf cold notes I broke, 87 00:03:58.360 --> 00:04:01.400 piercing I found oddly endearing. We kept sharing the same 88 00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:04.199 table by accident, which became intentional by the time midterms 89 00:04:04.280 --> 00:04:06.919 rolled around. He liked to Joko taught him to survive 90 00:04:06.960 --> 00:04:09.680 on coffee, sharp pastries. He taught me python and how 91 00:04:09.719 --> 00:04:12.759 to clean a French bress. We started slower study date here, 92 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.080 a casual drink there, than aught. Once it became real, 93 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:18.120 I moved into his off campus out of apartment during 94 00:04:18.120 --> 00:04:20.920 that month when the firdest cap breaking. I remember how 95 00:04:20.920 --> 00:04:22.959 it felt waking up to Matt making pancakes with you 96 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:26.120 Tube Jazon talking about fictional creatures or sci fi scenarios 97 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:28.360 as if they were our future. He'd hand me a 98 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:31.120 steaming mug. I still saw off from sleep, already deep, 99 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:33.519 and thought about who we could become. Were married at 100 00:04:33.519 --> 00:04:35.480 twenty four in a city garden, ring by friends and 101 00:04:35.519 --> 00:04:39.079 a smartering of distant relatives. Downtown felt huge back then, 102 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:41.160 a place we could get lost in. More important, they 103 00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:44.519 build something together. The apartment was ours, a cat's were our, 104 00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:46.879 as the Sunday farmer's market in late night talker runs 105 00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:49.319 and open mic nights that bled into slow mornings. While 106 00:04:49.319 --> 00:04:52.279 love forming a mesh of routines that felt unbreakable. There 107 00:04:52.319 --> 00:04:54.879 was a triviuteine that cycled in and out theme movie nights, 108 00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:57.800 the furry of new adult joy you only recognize in hindsight. 109 00:04:58.439 --> 00:05:01.519 We started grouping our friends as age chosen family. Matt 110 00:05:01.560 --> 00:05:03.720 was the steady corps, always quietly solving for the best 111 00:05:03.800 --> 00:05:06.680 route home or the right takeout order. He was analytical 112 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:09.240 but present, sometimes reserved in crowds, but open with me. 113 00:05:09.879 --> 00:05:11.920 He had a habit of holding my hand under the table, 114 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:15.000 as if reassuring himself I was still there. I was 115 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:18.319 the highlighter to his mechanical pencil, noisey, social, prone to 116 00:05:18.360 --> 00:05:21.639 last minute plans. When I changed jobs last year, jumping 117 00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:23.839 from a batique design agency to an enhance role at 118 00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:26.199 the lifestyle brand, it was partly for stability, partly to 119 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:29.279 stave off burnout. But the work proved uninspiring and my 120 00:05:29.399 --> 00:05:33.240 creative dry flagged. Meanwhile, Mas's job at the software startup 121 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:37.319 got more demanding, more siloed. Sometimes we landed at drastically 122 00:05:37.319 --> 00:05:41.120 different energies. We didn't talk about not having kids, not really. 123 00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:43.800 We'd each lost parents too young and felt wordily superstitious 124 00:05:43.800 --> 00:05:47.120 about legacy. Our friends filled the space. Meyer and justin 125 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:50.560 together since forever, gentle and protective Francesca Razor's shop, who 126 00:05:50.600 --> 00:05:53.639 once told me she secretly envied my confidence. Kyle, smart 127 00:05:53.639 --> 00:05:55.439 and rowdy, with a tongue too big for his mouth, 128 00:05:55.720 --> 00:05:59.759 mirror thoughtful, observant, sometimes reading us stories at parties, game 129 00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:02.839 night at myer's rooftop, Picnics grew karaoke at bars with 130 00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:05.639 sticky floors. Our try more consistent than any blood family. 131 00:06:06.199 --> 00:06:08.639 There was comfort in all of it. I loved coming 132 00:06:08.680 --> 00:06:11.000 home to Matt running our playlist in the background while 133 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:13.199 debating new show pilots or which restaurant had the best 134 00:06:13.240 --> 00:06:17.519 veggie burger. The cat sprawled everywhere, knocking overboard game boxes. 135 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:20.279 Even our bickering was safe about the right way to 136 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:22.360 load the dishwasher, or whether pudding ketch upon eggs was 137 00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:25.759 horrifying or just efficient. Our texts were steady trade to 138 00:06:25.839 --> 00:06:29.519 silly means, snippets of overheard conversations, secret packs about Coli 139 00:06:29.560 --> 00:06:33.000 and sick necks, Rainy Friday, just to walk along the river. Lately, 140 00:06:33.079 --> 00:06:35.800 though I'd felt just a little outside myself, less inspired 141 00:06:35.800 --> 00:06:37.800 at work, more dependent on the next group event to 142 00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:41.519 fill the mental quiet. Matt responded by turning inward, throwing 143 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:44.120 himself deeper into the endless demands of his code base, 144 00:06:44.279 --> 00:06:47.000 and when that wasn't enough, escaping to his game nights. 145 00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:49.720 That was always the thing with Matt. He needed routines, 146 00:06:49.839 --> 00:06:53.000 escape vowels. I always admired that he was a foundation 147 00:06:53.079 --> 00:06:56.360 for everyone. If I handled the social glue, Matt handled 148 00:06:56.360 --> 00:06:58.839 the structure of the calendar, the low level logistics. Nobody 149 00:06:58.839 --> 00:07:02.439 else saw respected my wild energy, and I respected his patience, 150 00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:05.839 at least I thought I did. Sometimes, when I let 151 00:07:05.879 --> 00:07:08.240 myself be self conscious, I wondered if I loved all 152 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:10.240 of him of just the security blanket he gave me. 153 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:14.120 I'd never have said that out loud. Until recently, any 154 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:16.399 gap between us felt temporary, like a face to write out. 155 00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:18.519 But as I saw it, with my bowl of pasta 156 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:21.560 scrolling a timeline now littered with other people's vacation photos, 157 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:24.199 I wondered if that was still the case. A week 158 00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:26.680 after that rainy Thursday night, Matt asked if he could 159 00:07:26.720 --> 00:07:29.120 do game night just with the crew again. We were 160 00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:31.720 making dinner pad Thai kits as favorite when he mentioned it, 161 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:34.920 of hand, not quite meeting my eyes. It's just been 162 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:37.000 a lot at work, he said, stirring needles with a 163 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:40.399 little too much force. Sometimes it's nice to have the guys, 164 00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:44.720 you know. I nodded, masking a flicker of confusion. Sure, yeah, 165 00:07:44.759 --> 00:07:48.199 I get it, he glanced up, registering something in my tone. 166 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:51.319 You're cool with this, right? The questions done in a 167 00:07:51.319 --> 00:07:54.279 way shouldn't have I'd never thought twice about drifting and 168 00:07:54.279 --> 00:07:57.240 were out of game nights. Everyone welcomed me often, the 169 00:07:57.279 --> 00:07:59.240 crew insisted I show up so it wasn't a total 170 00:07:59.279 --> 00:08:02.439 sausage fest. I forced a laugh. He sounded like your 171 00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:05.000 pre clearing a night out with your parole officer. It's fine, 172 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:08.279 go decompress, he smiled a little too, even a little 173 00:08:08.279 --> 00:08:11.879 two rehearsed. After dinner, while Matt loaded the dishwasher. I 174 00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:14.000 texted my to ask about her new job. She'd been 175 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.600 promoted at the non profit something worth a little celebration, 176 00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:20.319 she replied, much later than usual. Her text brief, it's good, 177 00:08:20.519 --> 00:08:24.600 super busy though, Let's catch up soon, nomoji, no extra details. 178 00:08:25.279 --> 00:08:28.040 I shrugged it off. Juston had always been the more 179 00:08:28.040 --> 00:08:31.079 reserved one, but even he usually shared pun laden breakdowns 180 00:08:31.120 --> 00:08:33.440 from last week's matches, or at least griped about what 181 00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:36.120 drinks the bar had on tap. I text sed Justin, 182 00:08:36.360 --> 00:08:39.399 what you guys play last night? He answered an hour later, 183 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:42.480 the usual, nothing exciting. Been a long week. How are 184 00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:45.480 the cats? Deflection in his tone, though maybe I was 185 00:08:45.519 --> 00:08:48.679 reading too much. Friday after work, I called off at 186 00:08:48.679 --> 00:08:51.559 home alone, low if I beats on sketch a coprinbook blank. 187 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:53.919 When Matt got home, the first thing he did was 188 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:55.879 set his phone on the counters greened an as he 189 00:08:55.960 --> 00:08:58.360 hung up his coat. That had always been a key 190 00:08:58.399 --> 00:08:59.679 for I need to detect for the night in the 191 00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:02.360 early day. Only now it looked more like he was 192 00:09:02.440 --> 00:09:05.320 hiding something, and when it buzzed, he snatched it up 193 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:07.480 and turned away, his thumb moving fast as he tapped 194 00:09:07.480 --> 00:09:10.879 out a response almost too quickly. That night, as we 195 00:09:10.960 --> 00:09:13.080 watched a slow, beautiful mess of a movie together some 196 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:15.320 arts the Indy thing May had recommended, I couldn't help 197 00:09:15.320 --> 00:09:17.840 but notice Matt's hands sliding to his phone again and again. 198 00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:20.440 Once I caught a flash of a group chat name 199 00:09:20.440 --> 00:09:22.919 I didn't recognize roll on Brew, but he flicked it 200 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:25.840 away before I could make anything else out. You joining 201 00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:30.840 for brunch tomorrow, I asked idly. Matt shrugged, I'm not sure, 202 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:32.600 might have to catch up on some work. I'll see 203 00:09:32.600 --> 00:09:34.960 how I feel. It wasn't the answer so much as 204 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:38.120 the subdued finality of it. Matt, of all people, never 205 00:09:38.200 --> 00:09:41.519 bailed on group brunch. The next morning, coffee marked halfway 206 00:09:41.559 --> 00:09:44.039 to my lips, I caught a weird notification on Matt's phone. 207 00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:46.639 As it vibrated on the table. It looked like cold 208 00:09:46.720 --> 00:09:49.240 half a string of X junk, half gibberish, and wedged 209 00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:52.200 in the middle a hard MODI. I blinked, unsure if 210 00:09:52.200 --> 00:09:54.159 it was some in Jokiev with the guys but didn't 211 00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:55.840 have a chance to ask before Mass swept up a 212 00:09:55.879 --> 00:09:58.679 phone and thumb the screen off. Inside joke, he said, 213 00:09:58.679 --> 00:10:03.120 as the moment lagged, forcing us something. Kyle started a laugh, 214 00:10:03.240 --> 00:10:06.399 but it fell out of sink. Kyle and his ridiculous means, 215 00:10:06.519 --> 00:10:09.600 I swears Brin's half algorithm. At this point, he nodded 216 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:13.679 a little too enthusiastically and said exactly. I tried not 217 00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:15.360 to let it get at me, but it settled behind 218 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:18.360 my eyes. I messaged maya brunch this week, I have 219 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:21.960 so much gossip. Let's get mimosas she replied after an hour, 220 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:24.480 I'd love to, but can we rain check super behind 221 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:27.519 on dead lines. I stared at the chat window, thumb 222 00:10:27.519 --> 00:10:30.360 hovering over the keyboard. My text to her used to 223 00:10:30.360 --> 00:10:34.879 be peppered with emojis, half sarcastic memes, and instantly reciprocated chaos. 224 00:10:35.399 --> 00:10:39.080 Now her voice was muted, distant. I resolved stop spiling 225 00:10:39.080 --> 00:10:41.759 a tendency it had Matt had gently teased me about 226 00:10:42.360 --> 00:10:45.879 real life didn't revolve around On returned brunch texts, people 227 00:10:45.919 --> 00:10:49.080 got busy, but at brunch that Sunday something felt off. 228 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:51.799 I arrived late. The cats had knocked over mushy rack, 229 00:10:52.120 --> 00:10:54.279 which somehow became an epic cling up so isolated at 230 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:57.200 the end of the table between Francesca and Justin, everyone 231 00:10:57.279 --> 00:11:00.080 was already half way through their drinks. I listened for 232 00:11:00.120 --> 00:11:03.360 a minute before joining, taking in the rhythm, usually joking 233 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:06.600 complaints about Matt's terribled dice lockomis over caffeinated. Plans for 234 00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:09.000 the next crew trip filled the air to day. They 235 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:11.279 were talking about a new out installation at the river front, 236 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:13.519 then switched to office drum, so quickly my teeth out 237 00:11:13.519 --> 00:11:16.320 from the whiblash. Mayer asked about my job, but as 238 00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:18.320 soon as I mentioned a new project, she turned to 239 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:21.679 Justin and asked about his parents house hunt. Even Francesca, 240 00:11:21.960 --> 00:11:25.200 usually first to needle me about my hyper organization, seemed distant, 241 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:28.559 her gaze searching the tablecloth rather than my face. After 242 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:31.159 five minutes, she excused herself to answer a work thing, 243 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:33.879 her foe and barely vibrating before she sprinted for the entrance. 244 00:11:34.600 --> 00:11:36.759 I tried making a joke about our old trivia team no. 245 00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:40.480 One bit later. Back at home, Matt asked how's brunch 246 00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:43.039 and seemed genuinely surprised when I said we barely topped 247 00:11:43.440 --> 00:11:46.320 He kissed my forehead and returned his laptop, giving nothing away. 248 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:49.000 A few nights later, I found a pile of board 249 00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:51.080 game re seats in the laundry, MAT's pants, emptied up 250 00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:54.080 for a wash, which he'd rarely done himself. They were 251 00:11:54.080 --> 00:11:56.279 for the oak barrel bond. That's when, as far as 252 00:11:56.279 --> 00:11:59.440 I knew, he'd been working late, not gaming. The receipts 253 00:11:59.480 --> 00:12:01.720 were always for two drinks, maybe some fries, not the 254 00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:04.000 swelling tabs that came from a full group game night, 255 00:12:04.039 --> 00:12:07.519 definitely not his usual orders. For a moment, I wondered 256 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:10.120 if he was covering for someone, maybe Kyle, maybe one 257 00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:12.679 of the others, or did he just like quiet after 258 00:12:12.759 --> 00:12:15.000 work on winding alone for a drink with a friend. 259 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:18.840 Curiosity naggt I led a simmer. A few days. The 260 00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:22.519 apartment was tense, mass cycling between hyperfocus coding and moody 261 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:25.320 wanderings around a kitchen. It was a Thursday, and I 262 00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:27.320 picked up cookies from the bakery below my office so 263 00:12:27.320 --> 00:12:29.960 I could stop by game night. The sky was clear, 264 00:12:30.039 --> 00:12:32.360 the air finally turning from spring cold to something softer. 265 00:12:33.039 --> 00:12:35.399 I told myself I'd just pop in see HOI surprised 266 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.840 the group but when I walked in, the place was 267 00:12:37.840 --> 00:12:40.840 nothing like the full crowd I expected. It was almost empty, 268 00:12:40.960 --> 00:12:43.759 only a few strangers at the bar. At a corner table, 269 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:46.039 Matt and Kyle sat with a woman I didn't recognize, 270 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:49.279 long darcair of sharp eyes, an easy intimate laugh. She 271 00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:52.159 was sitting beside Matt, gesturing with her glasses. She described 272 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:55.120 something her attention fixed on him. Matt saw me as 273 00:12:55.159 --> 00:12:58.559 I moved toward them, cookies in hand. Instantly, colored drained 274 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:02.279 from his face. Elle smile flickered, not quite reaching his eyes. 275 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:05.480 Matth stood up so quickly he nearly knocked his chair back, 276 00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:08.759 stepping between me and the table. Erin, Hey, al, what 277 00:13:08.840 --> 00:13:11.759 are you doing here? He sounded more startled than pleased. 278 00:13:12.360 --> 00:13:15.240 I tried for lightness, thought i'd bring treats. This is 279 00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:19.200 just y three to night. Ah Ye, Matt said, last 280 00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:22.159 minute change. Everyone else bailed. Erin. This is Becca from 281 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:24.480 the Meat Up Cheesaw, new to the group. Actually she 282 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:27.879 was just about to head out, right, Becca, The woman smiled, 283 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:30.960 smooth as silk. Yeah, I was just calling my ride. 284 00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:34.480 Nice to meet you. Erin, She stood quickly, collecting her bag. 285 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:37.600 Cow mumbled something about meeting the others at the arcade 286 00:13:37.600 --> 00:13:40.279 and slid away before I could press him. Matt shepherded 287 00:13:40.279 --> 00:13:42.600 me to the bar, kept up a stream of explanations, 288 00:13:42.759 --> 00:13:44.840 but his hands were shaking as he arranged the cookies 289 00:13:44.879 --> 00:13:47.360 on a napkin. On the way home, he was quiet, 290 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:51.399 answering questions and clipped sentences that weakened. After a game night, 291 00:13:51.480 --> 00:13:53.519 I noticed Matt's giggle. Kanda, once she had so weak 292 00:13:53.559 --> 00:13:56.480 a coordinate errands, was now private. All the events I'd 293 00:13:56.519 --> 00:13:59.039 known about were gone, were replaced with a lot gray grid. 294 00:13:59.559 --> 00:14:02.200 Sitting on couch with him Sunday afternoon, scrolling through some 295 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:05.120 old photos on my phone, trips, group shots, moments from Bert. 296 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:07.159 This Matt sat beside me, only half there at them, 297 00:14:07.159 --> 00:14:10.399 constantly scrolling his own phone. At first I figured he 298 00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:12.480 was chatting with Kyle about d and DL orphan next 299 00:14:12.559 --> 00:14:15.039 week's campaign, but there were small smiles at odd times, 300 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:17.000 a kind of distraction that didn't fit with what I'd 301 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:19.840 come to know was his geeking out. A few days later, 302 00:14:20.039 --> 00:14:22.600 I asked over the dregs of a sheer pizzer any 303 00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:24.679 one new coming to the group lately. That woman beck 304 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.919 as she seemed cool. Matt's reaction was almost theatrical. Why 305 00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:31.159 are you suddenly asking all these questions? His jaw tensed 306 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:33.960 as he set his water down too hard. I'll blink 307 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:37.480 frown off. Sorry, just curious, you've been more involved with 308 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:39.799 the group, That's all. He looked at me for a 309 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:41.879 long time, sizing me up, as if trying to calculate 310 00:14:41.919 --> 00:14:44.480 the safest answer. You always get this way when you're 311 00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:48.679 stressed at work, I laughed, Britle, sure, blame the deadlines. 312 00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:53.519 The conversation fizzle. Whatever ease existed felt provisional. That night, 313 00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:55.840 after he'd gone to bed, I sat with my laptop, 314 00:14:55.919 --> 00:14:58.600 scrolling for pictures, trying to recapture that sense of belonging. 315 00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:01.360 Matt grunted from the be droom phone, still blowing under 316 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:04.159 the blanket. The next week passed in fits and starts. 317 00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:08.639 Matt alternated between attentive and absent. Every small gesture announced 318 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:10.960 the text A distracted smile. Alaft from the other room 319 00:15:11.000 --> 00:15:12.720 while he tapped out a messager took on new weight 320 00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:15.279 for me. At work, I snapped at my team over 321 00:15:15.320 --> 00:15:18.559 a missing file, instantly regretted it, and then apologized twice. 322 00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:21.559 I couldn't shake the feeling of being invisible. Chin the 323 00:15:21.600 --> 00:15:24.240 erased by degrees residue of a life i'd once been 324 00:15:24.279 --> 00:15:27.559 certain of. Saturday morning, an hour after Matt left for 325 00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:30.000 some bon ascession at the bar, I filled my coffee 326 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:32.639 and started cleaning. When I lifted mass laugh up a 327 00:15:32.720 --> 00:15:34.879 batter gaming device he rarely used for work, and open 328 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:36.600 tab flashbery. As I tried to plug it in, he 329 00:15:36.679 --> 00:15:39.840 googled dry folder marked meat up games corps. When I 330 00:15:39.879 --> 00:15:43.559 clicked it was locked, password protected. I closed the lid. 331 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:46.879 That afternoon, I reached out to the group. May replied 332 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:50.879 with exclamation marked apologies, blaming deadlines. J Justin muttered something 333 00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:53.559 about prepping for a work trip. By now I was 334 00:15:53.600 --> 00:15:56.480 caught in a feedback loop, running through every conversation from 335 00:15:56.519 --> 00:15:59.440 the past weeks, looking for evidence of exclusion or worse, 336 00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:02.840 conspirator oral secrecy. Maybe the group has shifted to maybe 337 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:04.759 the new meet up members with their own clique, and 338 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:07.600 I'd missed a moment to re establish myself. But if 339 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:09.759 that was true, while all the hedging, a quick subject 340 00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:13.360 changes the half lies my theory adjusted. Perhaps Matt was 341 00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:16.159 just looking for breathing room and the friends, sensing tension, 342 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:19.279 shielded him. That night, I tried laying beside Matt and 343 00:16:19.320 --> 00:16:23.080 asking directly, is there something wrong? He pulled his gaze 344 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:26.480 from his phone. Patience thin but not yet snapped here 345 00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:29.519 doing the thing again. Over analyzing works just ridiculous. Lately, 346 00:16:29.559 --> 00:16:31.679 I'm tired. I'd rather not talk everything to death. On 347 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.559 the one night I get to chill. Defeated, I looked away. 348 00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:37.159 It hurt that he saw my anxiety as an irritant, 349 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:40.240 but I forced myself to believe it. The city outside 350 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:43.159 was warm, apartment windows glowing in the street below. We 351 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:45.879 lay side by side Matt's breathing evening. As he drifted off, 352 00:16:46.519 --> 00:16:49.480 I stayed awake, replaying months of conversations, hoping I was 353 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:54.200 being paranoid. But paranoia, once invited, never leaves easily. I 354 00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:57.440 busied myself with design work, picking up extra fruelance gigs, 355 00:16:57.519 --> 00:17:00.519 but my heart wasn't in it. At lunch, I flicked 356 00:17:00.519 --> 00:17:04.359 through texts from Francesca, Mirror short in personal responses, group 357 00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:08.359 chat invitations dried up. Mirror always an observer wrote simply 358 00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:10.599 help your good Let's get coffee sometime, but even that 359 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:12.839 felt tenuous, as if she was testing to see if 360 00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:16.640 I'd say more. A breakthrough came by accident. I remembered 361 00:17:16.680 --> 00:17:18.960 MAT's ole. What tablet tucked in the clauses something he 362 00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:21.200 only used for remote debugging on the rare occasion he 363 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:24.440 couldn't access his main rig. I booted it up almost 364 00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:26.759 outs and mindedly, needing to email myself a copy of 365 00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:28.880 our lease when the landlord asked for updated contact in 366 00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:31.799 for As the dusty start up screen flickered on, I 367 00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:34.559 noticed a chrome proval locked in under Matt's name. I 368 00:17:34.559 --> 00:17:37.200 clicked impulsively, and for a moment almost forgot why. They 369 00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:40.359 saw an array of calendar locations, mostly home or work, 370 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:42.160 but a few stood out. A wine bar on the 371 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:44.920 other side of tan, places that never factored into our routines, 372 00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:48.559 all in odd overlap with Thursday nights, not the oak barrel, 373 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:50.960 not anywhere near the group, but always tagged as board 374 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:54.079 game corps. I snapped the tablet shut, he prickling my cheeks. 375 00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:56.759 I told myself it was nothing, an odd fact of 376 00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:59.440 his code obsessive mind, maybe a side project he hadn't 377 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:02.480 told me about. That night, while Matt showered, as called 378 00:18:02.480 --> 00:18:05.160 through his photos, nothing out of place, Screenshots of board games, 379 00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:07.400 A few means from Kyle, A joke shot from justin 380 00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:12.400 about beer stats, no faces, no group selvies. It felt curated, sterill. 381 00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:16.519 I tried again, a direct approach over breakfast burritos at 382 00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:19.359 the cafe down the block. The place bussed with energy, 383 00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:22.240 sunlight cutting through the window. Matt piked at his EGS 384 00:18:22.279 --> 00:18:24.799 gaze a million miles away. Are you mad at me? 385 00:18:25.400 --> 00:18:28.039 I said, finally, unable to keep the tension from my voice. 386 00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:32.640 Did I do something? Matt loock startled, thensoft. He reached 387 00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:35.680 across the table took my hands gently between his No, 388 00:18:35.960 --> 00:18:38.359 of course not. I'm just work's been hard, everyone's on 389 00:18:38.440 --> 00:18:41.079 edge about layoffsend. Honestly, I didn't want to worry. The 390 00:18:41.119 --> 00:18:43.440 group's helping me decompress. That's all I know. I've been 391 00:18:43.480 --> 00:18:47.599 crappy at communicating. I'm sorry. His voice was low, almost broken. 392 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:50.480 I wanted to believe him. I did For a while. 393 00:18:51.160 --> 00:18:54.720 That week, something shifted. Matt made dinner twice, texted from 394 00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:56.920 work to askame my day was going, suggested we try 395 00:18:56.920 --> 00:18:59.359 the new movie theater a few blocks over. He made 396 00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:01.240 it Spotify playlist and sent it to me with a 397 00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:04.599 dumb jerk about dinner soundtracks for stressy wives. He even 398 00:19:04.599 --> 00:19:06.480 called my during dinner to check on her ankle, a 399 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:08.640 lingering sprain from her last pick up sock again, and 400 00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:10.519 handed me the phone to say hi, as if re 401 00:19:10.599 --> 00:19:14.759