Speaker 1: Welcome to Skin and Soul.
Speaker 2: I'm Gwenhemkarsley, a transformational body, sex and Soul coach, and
Speaker 2: I'm inviting you on a bold, unfiltered journey into the
Speaker 2: heart of our humanity through the lens of arrows. This
Speaker 2: is where we strip away the shame, dive into the unspoken,
Speaker 2: and embrace the wild.
Speaker 1: Raw truth of our desires. Together we'll crack open the
Speaker 1: taboo and cover our.
Speaker 2: Deepest intimacies and awaken the pulse of our sexual essence.
Speaker 2: Because real transformation, it's messy, it's thrilling, and it's oh
Speaker 2: so delicious.
Speaker 3: Buckle up loves.
Speaker 2: Skin and Soul Beyond the Pale starts in three two one.
Speaker 2: Let's go.
Speaker 1: Hello and welcome everyone. I'm Gwenhem. I'm your host of
Speaker 1: Skin and Soul Beyond the Pale, and I am joined
Speaker 1: today by Amanda Dames, who is the founder of The
Speaker 1: King Consultant. She's also host of The King Consultant podcast,
Speaker 1: which is amazing. By the way. She's a certified sexologist,
Speaker 1: sonatica sect of relationship coach, and a former dominatrix. So
Speaker 1: we have a really good, yummy, juicy topic today and
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking around kink.
Speaker 4: Permission and permission to evolve, the permission to stay curious,
Speaker 4: to ask about and to be able to recognize that
Speaker 4: your wants, desires, needs, and to be able to acpress them.
Speaker 4: And I'm so excited to have you here.
Speaker 3: It's so welcome, Thank you, Gwenna, And it's lovely to
Speaker 3: be here. I've been looking forward to this conversation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, me too. And it's fun because right before we started,
Speaker 1: I was listening to Beverly Joe Scott. She has a
Speaker 1: song called Oh my God, make It Rock. Such a
Speaker 1: good song, and I realized, like, oh, such a yummy
Speaker 1: to me. It speaks to my greatest desires, right, the
Speaker 1: things that I was never allowed to speak about.
Speaker 3: Yeah or yeah, I didn't even know I was allowed
Speaker 3: to want back then. I thought I wanted something that
Speaker 3: was not allowed. Can you relate to that. That's sort
Speaker 3: of like, oh, these things are good and these things
Speaker 3: are bad, and please just be a good girl. Yes.
Speaker 1: And I remember, you know, having different different partners would
Speaker 1: bring up different things. And I remember I think that
Speaker 1: was the first time I had a boyfriend that actually
Speaker 1: spanked me. I think I was more gud I must
Speaker 1: have been. I don't know, nineteen somewhere around there, and
Speaker 1: I was I was just not ready for the world
Speaker 1: of touch me in another way that's loving or what
Speaker 1: I was conceiving of loving and wanting. So yeah, absolutely
Speaker 1: to be able to say it, I want, you know,
Speaker 1: I want a little bit of make it rough. I
Speaker 1: want a little bit of that, you know. And I
Speaker 1: know you can identify that you're a switch. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So that back and forth feeling.
Speaker 3: Oh, I love it. I love playing with energy and
Speaker 3: power like that and just getting to exert some of
Speaker 3: that too, because that's another side of it. Be good
Speaker 3: don't men and women experience. It's like it's like, be good,
Speaker 3: don't hit women, you know, And then that that's a
Speaker 3: big one as well. So like from all sides we're
Speaker 3: being told what we should and shouldn't do. But when
Speaker 3: you do get to like just accept it and explore it. Ooh,
Speaker 3: it's juicy. You're right.
Speaker 1: So for you, because I know you've been doing this
Speaker 1: work now for over ten years. Before you got into
Speaker 1: this work, what do you think were some of those
Speaker 1: desires that you judged yourself for really harshly?
Speaker 3: Oh, I wanted to be spanked, I wanted to be punished,
Speaker 3: and I think, in small ways degraded and humiliated, and
Speaker 3: that not only did I not know that that was okay,
Speaker 3: not only did I feel deep shame about it, but
Speaker 3: I felt like I was broken, you know, I thought, like,
Speaker 3: who wants this? Not only that I felt really weak
Speaker 3: for wanting it. I mean, strong people don't want to
Speaker 3: be degraded or humiliated. Strong people want to be respected.
Speaker 3: So I felt that side of me was a weakness
Speaker 3: I had to bury deep and never admit to so
Speaker 3: like and this went from I speak about this pretty openly.
Speaker 3: From the age of five. I knew I had this
Speaker 3: weird obsession with punishment and spanking, but I didn't understand
Speaker 3: it had anything to do with my sex life or
Speaker 3: broader desires until I was in my teens. And just
Speaker 3: that shame of knowing I was weird as a kid,
Speaker 3: when you don't understand yourself at all and you're just
Speaker 3: trying to absorb what the world is in general, that
Speaker 3: shame became very ingrained, and to this day it is
Speaker 3: something that I actively have to fight against and like
Speaker 3: just sort of be like, let's let this shame go.
Speaker 3: It's not mine. It's from a confused child who didn't
Speaker 3: understand things, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then being able to express it as well,
Speaker 1: especially when there's partners involved wo who have judgment around
Speaker 1: because they're not that they can't accept that, oh right,
Speaker 1: because we're told so many things around what you're allowed
Speaker 1: to want, what you're what's acceptable and not susceptible, or
Speaker 1: you're in a world right like otherwise you belong in
Speaker 1: the BDSM world, which is a whole other community into itself.
Speaker 1: And I think there's a lot of judgment around that.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think I was lucky that I got
Speaker 1: some flavors of pink, and I definitely judge myself absolutely
Speaker 1: harshly around it and throughout my life even today, think
Speaker 1: oh my god, can I say that? And that comes
Speaker 1: back to.
Speaker 3: I feel the same way this. I do my work
Speaker 3: and I'm full in it, I believe in it fully.
Speaker 3: But I will say sometimes I will hear a rant,
Speaker 3: or I'll read a blog post about someone who talks
Speaker 3: about having explored BDSM and kink and how now they
Speaker 3: see the light and they're a real feminist and they
Speaker 3: don't do that anymore, and I internally think, am I
Speaker 3: not a real feminist? And then I go through it,
Speaker 3: And I'm like, Amanda, you are a feminist. You empower
Speaker 3: women to explore what they want. So but society is
Speaker 3: still sending out those messages that what I want is wrong,
Speaker 3: even in such an open space. And I do think
Speaker 3: we're a lot more open today than we were in
Speaker 3: the eighties and nineties.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that's a really interesting topic around
Speaker 1: feminism because isn't feminism the ability to choose for yourself
Speaker 1: exactly what you want, whatever that might be. And that
Speaker 1: might be you know, traditional roles or as well you know,
Speaker 1: or vanilla sex, but coming from that authentic place, that
Speaker 1: isn't shaming anything.
Speaker 3: Exactly it is. And it breaks my heart even when
Speaker 3: I see people shaming tradwives, because I feel like, no,
Speaker 3: I want them to have the choice to live the
Speaker 3: life they want to. I think the place where for
Speaker 3: me it gets a little all feminism is lost when
Speaker 3: we have one woman telling another woman how to live.
Speaker 3: And I think that's as simple as it gets. So
Speaker 3: for me, I'm like, please don't tell the tradwives not
Speaker 3: to do what they want to do. Equally, tradwives, please
Speaker 3: do not shame me for wanting to have a job,
Speaker 3: and maybe one day, have kids and do it all
Speaker 3: as opposed to committing to one type of life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think people have an idea around kink,
Speaker 1: and I think I'd love it if you explained it,
Speaker 1: you know, from all the work that you do.
Speaker 3: It's just.
Speaker 1: People have this idea that kink is this one thing
Speaker 1: right and that it's naughty and taboo. But like in extremes,
Speaker 1: and your experience with kink is.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's everything in between. It can be as light
Speaker 3: as just I mean a tap on the bottom, you know,
Speaker 3: just like as a flirtatious little smack on the bump,
Speaker 3: all the way up to something more extreme like impact
Speaker 3: play with what people are probably more used to seeing
Speaker 3: in movies and stuff like riding crops and whips. But
Speaker 3: kink is anything that is viewed as alternative to what
Speaker 3: mainstream intimacy is at the time. So an example I
Speaker 3: always give is if someone wants to give a blowjob. Now,
Speaker 3: that's quite a normal thing, it's even expected, But fifty
Speaker 3: years ago that was a very kinky, taboo thing to do.
Speaker 3: And our acceptance as a society is actually what changes
Speaker 3: things and brings them from kinky to mainstream. So then
Speaker 3: you have to think a lot of things are still
Speaker 3: out there that are borderline mainstream but our kinky. And
Speaker 3: I love to give examples, like if you've ever wanted
Speaker 3: to be tied up during sex or even held down
Speaker 3: or said, you know, I just want him to take
Speaker 3: charge in the bedroom, that is now that's still considered kinky.
Speaker 3: You know, you want to be told what to do,
Speaker 3: how to act, even in small ways like get on
Speaker 3: the bed and spread your legs for me. That would
Speaker 3: be a kinky thing to say, because there's a power
Speaker 3: exchange going on there. So kink is the definition is
Speaker 3: so broad. It's kind of whatever you make it to be.
Speaker 3: But you also have to pay attention to like is
Speaker 3: this regular in society now? For example, my favorite, my
Speaker 3: actual favorite is sex toys. Now it's just expected everyone's
Speaker 3: including sex toys in their sex life. But even twenty
Speaker 3: years ago, that was a kinky thing to do, was
Speaker 3: to bring a vibrator in the bedroom during mutual sex.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think a lot of people still have
Speaker 1: a hard time bringing in toys right there is I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm of a generation, I'm not that all, but I'm
Speaker 1: definitely not when I'm looking at you know, the twenty
Speaker 1: year olds today that might have so much sex education
Speaker 1: at their fingertips and I don't know, Like the people
Speaker 1: that I work with are over forty, and so the
Speaker 1: experience is so different around what's acceptable in the bedroom. Right,
Speaker 1: Can I bring in a toy? Does that person think
Speaker 1: then that they're inadequate? Right? Like, there's all these stories
Speaker 1: that we tell ourselves around well, if I bring this in,
Speaker 1: that means that they think I'm not you know, they're
Speaker 1: not satisfying me, or that I don't I don't like
Speaker 1: their their cock, or they're pussy or whatever. It is
Speaker 1: right that that somehow it needs a replacement rather than
Speaker 1: these are toys in play.
Speaker 3: Yes, And I actually think what's going on with that
Speaker 3: younger generation is not just exposure, but I think the
Speaker 3: younger generation has less attachment to their own ego, so
Speaker 3: they explore things, they approach it curiously. And I know
Speaker 3: we can say that of a lot of young people,
Speaker 3: but they are not being bombarded with the messaging that
Speaker 3: a man has to be strong and make a woman
Speaker 3: come and all of the things that were passed down
Speaker 3: to us by like high school students above us telling
Speaker 3: us exactly what sex was supposed to be and in
Speaker 3: that we just it was ingrained this form of masculinity
Speaker 3: and what a man should be and what a woman
Speaker 3: should be. And thank god the younger generation don't have that,
Speaker 3: so they're able to explore things that maybe for our
Speaker 3: generation it was harder. Like I'm thirty seven right now,
Speaker 3: so I haven't hit that forty mark, but I know
Speaker 3: exactly what you're talking about. I also grew up in
Speaker 3: Catholic Ireland, where sex was even more taboo there than
Speaker 3: I think in the US at the time.
Speaker 1: Well, and I often think like, oh my god, So
Speaker 1: wherever there's religion and things are really suppressed is where
Speaker 1: the kinkiest fantasies come from. And I'd love to talk
Speaker 1: a little bit around really taboo kinky thoughts or what
Speaker 1: people deem as unacceptable and how to approach those kinks,
Speaker 1: because I think people are just terrified, Like what do
Speaker 1: you think, Like some of the most terrifying kinks are
Speaker 1: that people just are shocked about themselves that they want
Speaker 1: or desire.
Speaker 3: Okay, So one that I'm going to talk about is
Speaker 3: the daddy baby girl kink, right where the submissive is.
Speaker 3: It's a little bit sometimes it can include age play
Speaker 3: where the either party. By the way, it can be
Speaker 3: men or women. But I'm just going to go with
Speaker 3: the more mainstream version of like daddy dom, but baby
Speaker 3: girl who is playing a younger age, and she is
Speaker 3: not in her head a younger age. It is just
Speaker 3: a role play, and the fantasy there is I just
Speaker 3: want to be taken care of. It is a deeper
Speaker 3: version of the fantasy of like, I am tired of
Speaker 3: making all the decisions. I don't want to have to
Speaker 3: think about anything. Can we just play pretend in a
Speaker 3: world where I don't have to be in charge and
Speaker 3: someone is here to take care of me. That is
Speaker 3: quite jarring to a lot of people because they're like,
Speaker 3: what does this mean I want to be a child?
Speaker 3: Is this? Am I like a pedophile or something like that.
Speaker 3: It's like, I have this rule. As long as it
Speaker 3: is consensual between adults and legal where you are, you're
Speaker 3: good to go. If you and your adults partner are
Speaker 3: consensually agreeing to just between the two of you play
Speaker 3: this game where you are role playing a younger age.
Speaker 3: There is nothing wrong with that, and sometimes it's just
Speaker 3: helping people understand you're playing your role playing. There's no
Speaker 3: reason to shame yourself about that. So that's a common
Speaker 3: one that I hear a lot of shame about. And
Speaker 3: then another one that I hear a lot cross dressing.
Speaker 3: I have a lot of men who enjoy cross dressing,
Speaker 3: and I often get calls from women and they say, like,
Speaker 3: what's wrong with my partner? I caught him wearing women's
Speaker 3: clothes And they're actually quite scared. They don't want to
Speaker 3: break up, they just think there's something pathological. And I
Speaker 3: talk them a lot of women off the ledge of like, Nope,
Speaker 3: I really have to tell you, this is so much
Speaker 3: more common than you think. So I think those are
Speaker 3: two where people are doing something and they feel so
Speaker 3: alone in it because society says this is wrong, but
Speaker 3: they're quite common.
Speaker 1: And where did I come from? So, like when you
Speaker 1: think about your own liking to get spanked, and from
Speaker 1: like a very young age, have this thing around punishment
Speaker 1: getting spanked. Because these fantasies are rooted in us at
Speaker 1: such an early age, they're wired and to us, and
Speaker 1: I think people don't generally understand that it's coming from
Speaker 1: a desire for a feeling. It's not just about the spanking,
Speaker 1: it's not just about the cross dressing that it's giving
Speaker 1: the person something. So for you going back and thinking, oh,
Speaker 1: this rooted spanking, what was that for you?
Speaker 3: I think when I discuss what I'm into now and
Speaker 3: what it gives me, the feeling is that I feel
Speaker 3: seen and paid attention to. Someone is noticing me if
Speaker 3: they notice I'm doing something wrong. I had a wonderful
Speaker 3: childhood where I was not ignored at all, but I
Speaker 3: do I was the eldest and then my younger sister
Speaker 3: is thirteen months younger, and there could be an element
Speaker 3: of just wanting more attention. But I was a goodie
Speaker 3: two shoes kid as well, like I was not the
Speaker 3: kid who ever did get punished because I just I
Speaker 3: was born good and not trying to be a brat.
Speaker 3: So I didn't get punished and I didn't really do
Speaker 3: a lot that deserved it. I even brought my mom
Speaker 3: on the podcast to discuss this in depth about what
Speaker 3: my childhood was like. So I think for some of us,
Speaker 3: we are born this way. And there is a difference
Speaker 3: between a kink and a fetish. A fetish is a
Speaker 3: need to have to achieve a rousal. A kink is
Speaker 3: a nice to have. I will say my punishment is
Speaker 3: a ideal, is a fetish, and I do need it
Speaker 3: to achieve arousal. So I think there's more of that
Speaker 3: that you're born with than you actually just develop over time.
Speaker 3: But I think kinks in general a lot of them
Speaker 3: to do with power exchange or cross dressing. I think
Speaker 3: they come from a place of extreme curiosity of what
Speaker 3: would this be like and then finding out you enjoy it,
Speaker 3: or paying attention to power dynamics in your life of oh,
Speaker 3: mom and dad have all the power, I have none,
Speaker 3: my teacher has all the power. I have none. I
Speaker 3: feel vulnerable in a doctor's office because they know all
Speaker 3: the things and I don't really know what's going on.
Speaker 3: And we find ways to find fun in that and
Speaker 3: react to it and think, Okay, can I play with this?
Speaker 3: So I think a lot of kink comes from can
Speaker 3: I play with this? Feeling? Desire, curiosity.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, I also think that kink often
Speaker 1: comes from wounding as well, just to name that that
Speaker 1: it can that you know that oftentimes wounds can be
Speaker 1: replayed or traumas can be replayed through kanko to feeling,
Speaker 1: but also that it can be an arousal that we
Speaker 1: absolutely don't want have aroused that discordance, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I need this, but I don't want.
Speaker 3: This, right, So yes, and thank you for saying that.
Speaker 3: So I'm so used to having to explain that not
Speaker 3: all kink comes from trauma, but some of it does, right,
Speaker 3: So yes, absolutely, there is so much that people want
Speaker 3: to experience, and we call it having repetition with agency.
Speaker 3: So there's a lot of people who have what's commonly
Speaker 3: referred to as a rape fantasy, but in the kink world,
Speaker 3: what we call that is consensual non consent. You are
Speaker 3: playing out you've given consent in advance that you two
Speaker 3: are going to play as if you don't have consent
Speaker 3: and you are being raped or assaulted. And for so
Speaker 3: many people who have experienced that trauma, it allows them
Speaker 3: to feel re empowered in a sexual place because they
Speaker 3: are experiencing it. And for some people that is one
Speaker 3: of the most healing things for them. It brings them
Speaker 3: back to their sex life, brings them back to their
Speaker 3: orgasms for the first time since before the assault happened.
Speaker 1: So yeah, that is of their body right, being able
Speaker 1: to take agency over their experiences. And that's, like you said,
Speaker 1: that's not everybody, and so what do you find is
Speaker 1: probably the most common kinky fantasy thoughts for women that
Speaker 1: women don't want to admit being dominated.
Speaker 3: So many women want a man who just takes complete
Speaker 3: control and handles all of the situations so that they
Speaker 3: are able to just relax into pleasure and receive. And
Speaker 3: it's varying degrees of control that they're looking for, Like
Speaker 3: some of them are looking for that harsher, more primal,
Speaker 3: I'm being taken aggressively type of dominance, and others just
Speaker 3: want that like wine and dine me, bring me home,
Speaker 3: put me in the bed, and do all of the
Speaker 3: things I know I want without me having to ask
Speaker 3: for it. You know, one of the biggest fantasies I
Speaker 3: think is just I wish you knew what I wanted,
Speaker 3: and that comes through communication. But by communicating it you
Speaker 3: can get there in that fantasy world of oh, he's
Speaker 3: doing all the right things, maybe because I told him
Speaker 3: three days ago what to do, but I'm getting it
Speaker 3: now in one fell swoop.
Speaker 1: So I think for women's attention, like, yeh men, if
Speaker 1: you're paying attention, right, I mean, I think that's the
Speaker 1: hardest thing ever. I think some women feel that oh,
Speaker 1: if I say it, then it's no longer sexy, And
Speaker 1: I disagree. I think when you say it, it becomes
Speaker 1: even sexier because just in being able to talk about
Speaker 1: it can can tend to like spice up things. And
Speaker 1: and you know, we're not mind readers. That's the other
Speaker 1: part around sexuality is like we're not even with the
Speaker 1: best partner, right even with you know, somebody who's really
Speaker 1: in tune with you is not going to know your deepest,
Speaker 1: darkest secrets fantasies.
Speaker 3: No, and where did this idea come from that we
Speaker 3: all had to be mind readers in the bedroom? Like
Speaker 3: the idea that talking about it was bad is prevalent
Speaker 3: through I think many culturist countries everywhere you're just expected
Speaker 3: to know. And I don't know how we came up
Speaker 3: with that myth.
Speaker 1: Well, and we have these cultures that have extensive, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, manuals around sexuality when you think of the
Speaker 1: Kamasutra and just and these manuals of sexuality, of positions
Speaker 1: and how how to arouse a man or a woman
Speaker 1: and different you know, and today, I mean, I know
Speaker 1: when I went to school, there was like there's no
Speaker 1: there's no education around around pleasure, like you know, you're
Speaker 1: waiting and actively seeking it in many ways because otherwise
Speaker 1: you know, the alternative is born. And again you know,
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with porn all in context, et cetera.
Speaker 1: But to me, it's not the place to learn about sex, right,
Speaker 1: It's not the place to learn about ultimate pleasure, no.
Speaker 3: Not at all, right, And the place to learn about
Speaker 3: it is probably would have perfectly been in sex ed
Speaker 3: to teach you that your pleasure is valid and seeking
Speaker 3: it is valid, as opposed to just don't get pregnant,
Speaker 3: don't get an STI this is how you avoid those things.
Speaker 3: So we're scaring people from the beginning, not giving them
Speaker 3: many tools to explore their own pleasure, and then act
Speaker 3: shocked and shaken when they turn to porn. When teenagers
Speaker 3: turn to porn to learn, we act like this is
Speaker 3: the craziest thing ever, and it is, but it's because
Speaker 3: we set the system up that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, I think it's such a travesty. I mean
Speaker 1: I went to school and basically had a teacher say
Speaker 1: hand us a book and say, you know, talk amongst
Speaker 1: yourselves because she was having a hard time, oh my
Speaker 1: gosh about sex. Right, And so you know, and I
Speaker 1: went to an old girls' school, so it was just
Speaker 1: a lot of chitter chatter and gossick.
Speaker 3: That is so funny. I wonder if she'd even had sex,
Speaker 3: like to have such an awkward thing about talking about it.
Speaker 1: But that was I mean, I grew up with a
Speaker 1: mom who was very, very free in her body in
Speaker 1: terms of being naked, but being sexual was a whole
Speaker 1: other matter. And so I found myself trying to subdue,
Speaker 1: you know, the fact that I was a really sexual
Speaker 1: little being and didn't know what to do with it.
Speaker 1: And as I grew and you know, like I said,
Speaker 1: I was I was fortunate that I had some really
Speaker 1: wonderful lovers that were very very open, and then I
Speaker 1: had others that were completely shut down. And even today,
Speaker 1: you know, there's like those old patterns that show up
Speaker 1: within me. That's like, am I going to be accepted
Speaker 1: if I say this? Am I going to be able
Speaker 1: to be met or seen? Which is then brings me
Speaker 1: to you know, for men, what do you think for men,
Speaker 1: their greatest fears are around.
Speaker 3: Kink right now? I think it's to be considered a
Speaker 3: creep or to be considered creepy because and I mean
Speaker 3: we needed the me too movement absolutely, but there are
Speaker 3: a lot of men who are still very confused about
Speaker 3: consent and just understanding you ask permission and you're okay.
Speaker 3: You know, there's a fear that I'm immediately going to
Speaker 3: be judged as creepy. And I will say that men
Speaker 3: and women aren't different in this because it's almost an
Speaker 3: evolutionary thing. Being rejected is not just sad on an
Speaker 3: emotional level, but deep in our systems, Like if you
Speaker 3: were rejected from the tribe before, that meant your survival
Speaker 3: was at risk. You need to be accepted by the tribe.
Speaker 3: So the fear of rejection is across the board. In
Speaker 3: the same way you're like, oh, how am I going
Speaker 3: to be met? If I share? Men are now thinking
Speaker 3: am I going to be a creep? If I say this?
Speaker 3: Am I going to sound abusive? If I say I
Speaker 3: want to do some type of impact play like spanking
Speaker 3: or bondage and tying her up, there's a huge fear
Speaker 3: around that too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there's a lot of I actually I
Speaker 1: feel for men these days because I think there's a
Speaker 1: really lost component around, like a good strong masculine primal,
Speaker 1: like that whole like take me. You know, that surrender
Speaker 1: that we talked about earlier, that women's fantasies are often
Speaker 1: around like I just want to be taken. I want
Speaker 1: to be able to feel that warmth, that strength, the primalness.
Speaker 1: And on the other side, men being really terrified to
Speaker 1: go there right that there's that blockage of like, oh god,
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to get there, and then
Speaker 1: women not being able to fully surrender because she doesn't trust,
Speaker 1: she knows her person, you know, isn't able to just
Speaker 1: fully surrender a fully surrender to his primalness.
Speaker 3: Yes, And what women in this, what women are seeking
Speaker 3: is safety. They want to feel safe enough to know
Speaker 3: that this person can take control in a way that's
Speaker 3: going to land for them. And that's what they're lacking,
Speaker 3: that safety in trusting their partner to be able to
Speaker 3: do that and be in that fully, but also still
Speaker 3: paying attention to them and understanding what they need. So
Speaker 3: I think that there's a large part of and I
Speaker 3: don't know if you've noticed, but masculine now is a
Speaker 3: bad word in society, and I hate that. I hate
Speaker 3: that people are so scared of the word that as
Speaker 3: soon as you say it, it's almost politicized.
Speaker 1: I know. Yeah, it's we've gotten to a place of ice.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm like, I don't know what word I'm allowed
Speaker 1: to say. I don't really care anyone, just like whatever
Speaker 1: comes out of my mouth, you know. But it's some
Speaker 1: words are they're important, and we've we you know, compartmentalize
Speaker 1: words so harshly and judge them so harshly these days
Speaker 1: in a way that I think isn't serving either men
Speaker 1: or women, particularly in the bedroom.
Speaker 3: Like it's you've nailed it.
Speaker 1: Not crazy. Yeah, the world's gone crazy.
Speaker 3: Because I'm listening to women say they want men to
Speaker 3: be dominant. I'm listening to men say I want this,
Speaker 3: but I'm scared to be labeled to creep or like
Speaker 3: I'm not supposed to want this, And everyone publicly is
Speaker 3: saying they don't want it or this is the way
Speaker 3: of the old times and it doesn't exist now. But
Speaker 3: if that's so true, why is the desire still there
Speaker 3: and not for everyone? But we're shaming the people who
Speaker 3: have this desire and telling them it's wrong, it's not feminists.
Speaker 3: They need to be doing all of these things to
Speaker 3: be a really good feminist. And I think that that
Speaker 3: is where some of the crazy goes in. It's just
Speaker 3: a new type of societal judgment taking us in the
Speaker 3: opposite direction.
Speaker 1: So then in getting couples to be able to talk
Speaker 1: to each other, and I just you know, whenever I
Speaker 1: don't know about you, but meeting someone new and just
Speaker 1: being able to talk about or being in a marriage
Speaker 1: for like a really long time, because this is the
Speaker 1: other thing. People are in marriages for a really long
Speaker 1: time and they get stuck in a routine. Right, you
Speaker 1: meet somebody and you have a very strong idea of
Speaker 1: who they are sexually, right, they get pigeonholed. We get pigeonholed.
Speaker 1: You're like, And the thing is, there's this growth of
Speaker 1: what I love about you know, I'm going to say
Speaker 1: the introduction of kink is And I heard you talk
Speaker 1: about this on another podcast where you were, you know,
Speaker 1: talking about evolving. Right, what you like when you're twenty,
Speaker 1: you might not like when you're thirty, or incorporate or
Speaker 1: go or farther depending and that there's this opportunity as
Speaker 1: we get older in long term relationships, either it fizzes
Speaker 1: out to die because you've pigeonholed each other so deeply
Speaker 1: entrenched that that you know that nothing ends up happening
Speaker 1: after a while, or you can really enlive in the
Speaker 1: relationship again by getting really honest about what is it
Speaker 1: that you truly want and meet and have you know,
Speaker 1: the meet themselves there. And I conclude myself in this
Speaker 1: right just then, if I knew, like a long time ago,
Speaker 1: even within my own marriage, of what I could talk about,
Speaker 1: I think it would have just looked very different to
Speaker 1: be really open and honest and be able to understand
Speaker 1: this is where my desire is, this is what I like?
Speaker 1: How do I share it? I know?
Speaker 3: And that's I wish for everyone that they had that
Speaker 3: at a younger time in their relationship, because I will
Speaker 3: say I work with most of the people I work
Speaker 3: with are over five. I work with a lot of
Speaker 3: retire recently retired couples, and I will say that when
Speaker 3: you start to explore how to reconnect in the bedroom,
Speaker 3: there are a lot of resentments and painful things that
Speaker 3: are coming up that are nothing to do with sex.
Speaker 3: It's about the relationship and feeling safe with each other
Speaker 3: and feeling seen that we also need to work through
Speaker 3: to get back to intimacy. And while that's across the board,
Speaker 3: sometimes I'm having conversations with people about something that was
Speaker 3: not sex related at all, that happened twenty years ago,
Speaker 3: where the person is still feeling hurt and unseen, and
Speaker 3: that means that they don't feel that they can trust
Speaker 3: their partner in the bedroom. So over time, more of
Speaker 3: these things rack up, and if resentment has been there
Speaker 3: and not worked through, we are tackling that in addition
Speaker 3: to trying to find intimacy again, because intimacy is in vulnerability,
Speaker 3: So when you try to be vulnerable, that's when all
Speaker 3: of this stuff comes up.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. And the fact that you said, like, you know
Speaker 1: you some but he might be carrying something from twenty
Speaker 1: years ago at what is going on inside the bedroom
Speaker 1: is also being reflected outside and vice versa. I guarantee
Speaker 1: you you know, it's tell me what you're like in bed,
Speaker 1: and I'll tell you how you are outside in the world.
Speaker 3: Is yes, tell me what you need to enjoy pleasure,
Speaker 3: and I will tell you about what your life looks
Speaker 3: like outside the bedroom, for sure. And it's just it's
Speaker 3: always interesting the different little things people need in the bedroom.
Speaker 3: And I even just mean to get there to enjoy pleasure,
Speaker 3: Like there are some people who need the house to
Speaker 3: be perfect. They need to be showered, shaved, their hair
Speaker 3: looks nice, they need to feel good about themselves. And
Speaker 3: then there are other people who are like, now, let's
Speaker 3: just go for it. I'm horny, I'm ready to jump in, Like,
Speaker 3: why aren't you ready too? There are so many different
Speaker 3: personality types, and I often find the same type of
Speaker 3: personality in the bedroom is the same outside. The only
Speaker 3: difference is some people who have a lot of power
Speaker 3: outside of the bedroom love to give it up in control,
Speaker 3: give up control in the bedroom, and vice versa.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that makes sense, right, because if somebody has
Speaker 1: so much control and is carrying so much responsibility and accountability,
Speaker 1: I think we talk about that, you know, the really
Speaker 1: high exact man or woman and then coming back into
Speaker 1: the bedroom and just wanting to surrender, just wanting to
Speaker 1: experience and not wanting to have to carry the responsibility. Yeah,
Speaker 1: which again is probably more you know, probably for men,
Speaker 1: is more of a shaming just in how we you know,
Speaker 1: perceive men and how a man should be. I would think, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's probably greater struggles.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I have a lot of clients in that
Speaker 3: boat right now, where they've been married fifteen twenty years.
Speaker 3: They've grown in their career, they have taken on so much.
Speaker 3: They are large and in charge in their life and
Speaker 3: they feel responsible for everything. And they would just like
Speaker 3: in the bedroom, it doesn't even need to be super kinky.
Speaker 3: They just want their partner to take a little control
Speaker 3: to not just initiate, but how have a plan for
Speaker 3: the intimacy and make it an experience for them. And
Speaker 3: they want it so bad that they're willing to invest
Speaker 3: in hiring a coach to help them and their partner
Speaker 3: navigate it because it's it's a deep desire.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think having a coach really helps because
Speaker 1: now you have somebody else facilitating or helping to facilitate
Speaker 1: the conversation and to stop where you know, where projections are,
Speaker 1: where judgments are. I always say, like if you have
Speaker 1: a judgment on the other it's really something to look
Speaker 1: at within of like what is going on. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you have to like, it doesn't mean you'll ever
Speaker 1: be a hell yes on I don't know being pegged
Speaker 1: for instance, Yes, it might be that might never be
Speaker 1: on the table. However, the ability to have the conversation
Speaker 1: and the ability to hear your partner with as little
Speaker 1: judgment as possible is really helpful, which brings I have
Speaker 1: personal questions for you, by the.
Speaker 3: Way, Oh please, I'm an open book and I'm happy
Speaker 3: to answer anything for you too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you. Okay, So for you. And I asked
Speaker 1: this because as a coach as well, do you how
Speaker 1: did you find being in this world being I can't
Speaker 1: coach and being and dating?
Speaker 3: How was it doing it?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: How was it, Drake? Because you were with a partner
Speaker 3: now I am, it was difficult in some respects. First
Speaker 3: of all, I do think that me doing this work
Speaker 3: slightly contributed to the end of an engagement I was
Speaker 3: in before this, because when I met him, I wasn't
Speaker 3: doing this work speaking to growth and change and accepting
Speaker 3: as people change. When I was dating, I would meet people.
Speaker 3: It's not just that I do this work, it's that
Speaker 3: I also am so public about it on Instagram and
Speaker 3: TikTok and the podcast. My life is quite public, so
Speaker 3: that also made people think twice about dating me. And
Speaker 3: I definitely got these beautiful, heartfelt rejections of like, I
Speaker 3: really like you, and I believe in what you're doing.
Speaker 3: I just can't have this around my daughters or my
Speaker 3: family who I'm close to.
Speaker 1: So I the judgment, what is the thing that people
Speaker 1: are doing that.
Speaker 3: That there are kids would be made fun of because
Speaker 3: I focus on kink and I talk about cank, or
Speaker 3: that their kids would know what they were into because
Speaker 3: of me, Because even if I said this and I
Speaker 3: would never talk about us. It's sort of like just
Speaker 3: knowing that I'm so open it tells people a lot.
Speaker 3: Even my current partner. One of the things that I
Speaker 3: had learned to do by the time I met him
Speaker 3: was when we talked about dating each other and being exclusive,
Speaker 3: I sent him a list of podcast episodes. I sent
Speaker 3: him some blog posts, I sent him some Instagram videos.
Speaker 3: I said, this is who you'd be getting in a
Speaker 3: relationship with. This person isn't changing, so you need to
Speaker 3: accept this person. And I had to put that forward,
Speaker 3: probably earlier than I had would have liked to, or
Speaker 3: needed to defend my own work that I'm so proud of.
Speaker 3: But in terms of one of the other things is
Speaker 3: when you do this work, you put pressure on yourself
Speaker 3: to be the expert in how to handle a relationship.
Speaker 3: But I mean relationship problems they come for us. All
Speaker 3: these arguments these things come up and I want it.
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, if I was a coach, if I
Speaker 3: was my own coach, I'd be like, what are you doing, Amanda,
Speaker 3: But that's life, that's.
Speaker 1: Just a coach. Does the coach seek a coach.
Speaker 3: Yes, Oh for sure, I have. I've It's not a
Speaker 3: team of people, but I have my therapists that I've
Speaker 3: had for ten years. And then I also do a
Speaker 3: kind of co work with other coaches who are trained
Speaker 3: and certified by the same Somatica coaching program I went to,
Speaker 3: and we'll sort of do like quid pro quo sessions
Speaker 3: for each other to help each other really explore and
Speaker 3: do that deeper work. So yes, I would say the
Speaker 3: coach always needs a coach.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then because as you're saying, like, you know,
Speaker 1: being a coach doesn't necessarily mean that it doesn't come
Speaker 1: with stuff and all of that, And I'm just I'm
Speaker 1: speaking from my own experience of trying, you know, being
Speaker 1: out there in the minute anybody knows what I do.
Speaker 1: It's not even about how popular I am or anything
Speaker 1: like that. It's it's really around oh God, like oh,
Speaker 1: either I feel objectified either, I feel that kind of
Speaker 1: like oh, I'm supposed to now be the teacher, or
Speaker 1: it's not it's not about me, it's about oh what
Speaker 1: can she teach me? What can she show me? Or
Speaker 1: she must be amazing at this or that, versus like
Speaker 1: like I'm like, Hi, let's how about just hi?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, I understand exactly what you're You're looked to
Speaker 3: and sort of put on a pedestal and treated like
Speaker 3: you are going to be something I don't know, like
Speaker 3: a different level or something, and not just another human
Speaker 3: in relationship.
Speaker 1: Exactly like that. I you know, I'm just a automatic
Speaker 1: going to know their body inside it out and that
Speaker 1: it's just going to be either amazing or that they
Speaker 1: might or that I might judge them, which is the
Speaker 1: other thing, right, which is the fear of being judged,
Speaker 1: the fear of oh I'm not going to be you know,
Speaker 1: good enough or you know like that sort of I
Speaker 1: don't know if you encountered that.
Speaker 3: My gosh, wait, I'm just you just unlocked a memory
Speaker 3: for me. I do remember hearing that people were like, oh, well,
Speaker 3: I'd be too intimidated to dom you, And immediately in
Speaker 3: my head I was like, in my head, I was like, okay, well,
Speaker 3: you're off the table anyway, which is why I didn't
Speaker 3: even commit it to memory because I was like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm sorry you think that you couldn't do
Speaker 3: me because I used to dom other people, like you
Speaker 3: don't trust in your own ability to do this that
Speaker 3: I remember getting a lot of that.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's where you pass on your card.
Speaker 3: Yeah I did that. I literally would do that. Well
Speaker 3: date you, but here's like, here's my Instagram. I think
Speaker 3: that you could like learn a lot.
Speaker 1: Oh I love that. Yeah. So and I always say
Speaker 1: I've a menopausal moment. But so, before you got into
Speaker 1: this work, what do you think is the thing that
Speaker 1: that broke you into the place, Like what made you go,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, I want to go and do this work?
Speaker 1: What was that awakening for you?
Speaker 3: I've always been a curious person. So when I moved
Speaker 3: to New York City from Ireland, I needed another job
Speaker 3: and I found work as a dominatrix. And it's not
Speaker 3: that I didn't know that job existed. I knew and
Speaker 3: I did want to try it. I never realized I
Speaker 3: was going to do it until I was like, this
Speaker 3: is it, this is the moment I can try this,
Speaker 3: and I felt I had an excuse because in society,
Speaker 3: needing money is sort of a blanket statement for Oh, well,
Speaker 3: she needed a job, so of course she went and
Speaker 3: did that as opposed to choosing that job. So it
Speaker 3: gave me the freedom to go choose that work. Of like, well,
Speaker 3: she obviously needs to make some extra cash, it makes
Speaker 3: sense she would go do this. So I think I
Speaker 3: needed my own way of giving my helf permission to
Speaker 3: go become a dominatrix at a dungeon. And then I
Speaker 3: did the job for two years and decided I wanted
Speaker 3: to focus more on my corporate America job that was
Speaker 3: going to move me up the career ladder. So I
Speaker 3: fully committed to that, but I always missed the work,
Speaker 3: and I spent a long time trying to figure out
Speaker 3: how I was going to get back to that kind
Speaker 3: of work while still feeling like myself and not being
Speaker 3: on someone else's schedule or being a dom takes a
Speaker 3: lot of energy. Being a professional in the space takes
Speaker 3: a lot of energy. And I found coaching, and as
Speaker 3: soon as I understood this was a thing, like I
Speaker 3: call it life coach for relationships and sex, I was
Speaker 3: sold And I was like, that's that is the job
Speaker 3: for me. So as soon as I found this out,
Speaker 3: and I'm a little woo woo, So I'm going to
Speaker 3: tell you something that actually happened. I was having a dream,
Speaker 3: one of those dreams where you think you are really
Speaker 3: in a place, and someone was talking to me and said,
Speaker 3: you need to be a life coach. Go be a
Speaker 3: life coach. And I woke up from the dream sort
Speaker 3: of shock because I was just in the shower. How
Speaker 3: am I here now? And my immediate thought was I
Speaker 3: don't want to be a life coach, but I would
Speaker 3: be a life coach for sex. I googled it. I
Speaker 3: found out that was a job sex and relationship coaching,
Speaker 3: and I signed up that day to be a coach
Speaker 3: to like learn.
Speaker 1: To learn about it. Yeah, I had, I had, I
Speaker 1: had a similar I was like, is this a thing?
Speaker 1: Because even when I was twenty, I think I knew
Speaker 1: I loved sex, I knew I loved psychology. I uh,
Speaker 1: And I ended up going into acting in my young years,
Speaker 1: like to move through embodiment work. But then it came
Speaker 1: in a way I was like, oh, yeah, I can't
Speaker 1: ignore this anymore, and I just yeah, So I was
Speaker 1: just curious about your own awakening of like what brought
Speaker 1: you and then how did your parents? It's like, how
Speaker 1: did your family react? Well?
Speaker 3: Can I just ask you one quick question where you
Speaker 3: also the friend everyone asked about sex? Did everyone go
Speaker 3: to you about their relationships?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Everyone always came to me about everything.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, so that is another talk to.
Speaker 1: Me about anything that they'd be like, oh, you're so
Speaker 1: easy to talk to or you're so you know because everything.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, why not? And it doesn't mean there's
Speaker 1: the other thing around, Coach. It doesn't mean that I
Speaker 1: do everything. It means that it's just I find human
Speaker 1: sexuality and human connection fascinating, and I think we're all
Speaker 1: terrified of the same thing, which is being seen, even
Speaker 1: though it's the thing that we crave the most. Right
Speaker 1: It's like it's the thing like you don't see me.
Speaker 1: That's what I always say, like, see you don't see me.
Speaker 3: And that fear I think that don't see me is
Speaker 3: don't judge me, Like see me, don't judge.
Speaker 1: Me, don't leave me, don't abandon me.
Speaker 3: The abandonment wound is really strong, and especially in me,
Speaker 3: like my dad is not. When I talk about my family,
Speaker 3: I'm not talking about my dad because like he sort
Speaker 3: of disappeared in my teen years and I don't talk
Speaker 3: to him anymore. But my family. To answer your question about,
Speaker 3: I've always had a super supportive mother. So I told
Speaker 3: her about my working as a dominatrix, and I don't
Speaker 3: think she was ecstatic about it, but she has always
Speaker 3: understood never tell your kids not to do something, because
Speaker 3: that's exactly what they're going to do. So she was
Speaker 3: supportive from the get go. I told her I had
Speaker 3: this job and that Christmas when I went home, she
Speaker 3: had put She always has this like Christmas how like
Speaker 3: little village thing, and she put one red light in
Speaker 3: one of her Christmas houses and she was like, look,
Speaker 3: this is where you work. And it was just such
Speaker 3: an accepting thing, do you know what I mean of?
Speaker 3: Like I was like, Mom, I'm not having sex. She's like,
Speaker 3: I know, I know, but like it's the red light
Speaker 3: district for you. And I thought that was cute. When
Speaker 3: I started to do when I started to talk about
Speaker 3: it online on Instagram and became a coach, my family
Speaker 3: were supportive of it. And it's just I even was
Speaker 3: giving my mom relationship advice in my teenage years so
Speaker 3: I don't think she was shocked by it. And one
Speaker 3: of the things that I think helps now is she's
Speaker 3: very proud of the work I do. She tells her
Speaker 3: friends and colleagues and people come back to her now
Speaker 3: and like, oh, Mandy gave me confidence to do this.
Speaker 3: My family calls me Mandy, or like I feel like, oh,
Speaker 3: I feel so empowered. So now that she also gets
Speaker 3: to see the change I'm having in the lives of
Speaker 3: people she knows, she's super proud. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, and I also acknowledges them in their sexuality and
Speaker 1: their needs, like there's something I've you know, I know
Speaker 1: for me, my father was making fun, you know, making
Speaker 1: fun in his way, right, trying to understand kind of
Speaker 1: what I do. He was like, oh, you are like
Speaker 1: doctor Who's best timer. I know you're probably too young
Speaker 1: to know who she was, but she used to doctor Ruth, Yeah,
Speaker 1: doctor Ruth right right.
Speaker 3: Isn't she the goal like you were the goal.
Speaker 1: On you know, listen to her on the radio and
Speaker 1: she was talking about masturbation and are you like touching
Speaker 1: your partner and have you died like and do you
Speaker 1: have a gone about like in ways that nobody was
Speaker 1: talking about it at that time.
Speaker 3: I know, and I always say what I loved about
Speaker 3: her is she was for the people who needed to
Speaker 3: hear that it was okay they wanted to suck cock,
Speaker 3: but also the halo people who just wanted to understand
Speaker 3: what was going on in people's bedrooms. And she brought
Speaker 3: this acceptance to it of like, hey, this is happening,
Speaker 3: don't judge it. So she just helped so many people,
Speaker 3: not just the people who needed to hear her advice,
Speaker 3: but the people who needed to understand this is normal
Speaker 3: and so much more common than you think.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so healthy that ye. You know, sexuality is
Speaker 1: And what I love about kink it's to me, I
Speaker 1: call it like it's it's the imaginative form of sex, right,
Speaker 1: It's like it's allowing your imagination to soar. It's allowing
Speaker 1: it's that playful place. It brings out like, oh, what
Speaker 1: can we do in a way that's different, and it
Speaker 1: it pushes those edges into what's uncomfortable. But it also,
Speaker 1: I think, is that doorway into deeper intimacy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it really is. And you only live one life,
Speaker 3: but when you have kinky sex and intimacy, you get
Speaker 3: to live like a hundred lives and explore feelings in
Speaker 3: new ways, and it makes it It just keeps it fresh.
Speaker 3: And I think you're always learning about yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Do you think that that people who are in
Speaker 1: kinky relationships that openly like or move into that direction
Speaker 1: have richer sex lives? I mean it's a it's a
Speaker 1: big question.
Speaker 3: I think that anyone who's talking and planning and prioritizing
Speaker 3: their sex life is going to have a richer sex life.
Speaker 3: When you're kinky, by default you have to be doing that,
Speaker 3: and you have to be debriefing afterwards, asking things because
Speaker 3: you're trying new things, you need to understand if you
Speaker 3: liked it or didn't like it, So that naturally lends
Speaker 3: itself to having a deeper connection. But that doesn't mean
Speaker 3: non keeky people can't have that. But what you need
Speaker 3: to be doing is having those conversations after what did
Speaker 3: you enjoy? What would you have liked more of? What
Speaker 3: do you not want brought back next time? That's going
Speaker 3: to develop that deeper connection. And you don't even need
Speaker 3: to touch kink for it.
Speaker 1: No, And I think people associate the word kink with
Speaker 1: a very specific label and stigma, and you know, for
Speaker 1: anybody out there, I just you know, if you can
Speaker 1: give people just that that word of advice that's like, hey,
Speaker 1: kink is you know, for the person who's.
Speaker 3: Like kink is anything that explores a different feeling of
Speaker 3: intimacy that doesn't and just include penis and vagina sex.
Speaker 3: It can be playing with even just a little bit
Speaker 3: of power, extra romance, or extra fantasy within the bedroom.
Speaker 3: It all falls under the umbrella of kink. And I
Speaker 3: think the best advice I could give is let go
Speaker 3: of the idea that it kink is what TV told
Speaker 3: you it was. If you saw it on TV, it's
Speaker 3: likely that wasn't kink. But if it's an internal desire
Speaker 3: that you haven't seen in you didn't hear about in
Speaker 3: sex ed, you might be just a little bit kinky.
Speaker 3: And I don't want you to shy away from it.
Speaker 3: Explore what that means to you and what you want
Speaker 3: to experience in the bedroom. Don't worry about the label.
Speaker 3: Talk to your partner about it. Try it.
Speaker 1: What do you think you still want to explore in kick.
Speaker 3: I would I'm actually it's hard to believe this, but
Speaker 3: I think I am quite I'm not an extreme kinkster, right,
Speaker 3: and I would like to try some more extreme things
Speaker 3: because I talk talk about a lot. Like you said,
Speaker 3: we don't have to do all of the things, we
Speaker 3: can be fascinated by them. Yep, I would like to
Speaker 3: try some maybe just more extreme role plays where like
Speaker 3: I'm being heavily interrogated, Like I have this fantasy of
Speaker 3: being interrogated by someone who doesn't speak English, so I
Speaker 3: don't understand what they're saying, but like we're trying to
Speaker 3: communicate with each other without words. That's a fantasy I
Speaker 3: have that I've never tried. And I'm like, I want
Speaker 3: to play with fear a little bit in my kink Yeah,
Speaker 3: So what.
Speaker 1: Do you think playing with fear brings you.
Speaker 3: Exhilaration? I think that I it. I love roller coasters,
Speaker 3: I absolutely love roller coasters. Why not experience a little
Speaker 3: bit of that type of fear in the bedroom but
Speaker 3: knowing I'm safe and it's consensual and we've talked about it,
Speaker 3: just like when I get on a roller coaster, I
Speaker 3: know I'm safe. There's that little bit of fear of
Speaker 3: is something going to go wrong? But for the most part,
Speaker 3: do you expect to be right back where you started?
Speaker 3: In sixty seconds. And that's why I want to explore
Speaker 3: a little bit more fear in my kink as long
Speaker 3: as I can work it out in a way where
Speaker 3: I'm right back where I started in sixty minutes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just and I just got the flash when
Speaker 1: you were like roller coaster, I was like work as
Speaker 1: them on a roller coaster.
Speaker 3: I wonder if I could, right right.
Speaker 1: I wonder if I could. I wonder what that looks like.
Speaker 1: I wonder how that happens.
Speaker 3: I'm sure someone's done it, well, they have on the fair.
Speaker 1: I hear. I didn't even know it was a thing.
Speaker 1: The ferris wheel thing.
Speaker 3: Wheel, yes, I mean, and those are so common now,
Speaker 3: and the ones that are like not open air or yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't see how.
Speaker 1: That's like that's not even a kink anymore. That's just.
Speaker 3: Well that that's what the people doing that would never
Speaker 3: consider themselves kinky. But that's the type of exhibitionism and
Speaker 3: thrill seeking to do that. So even if you've ever
Speaker 3: wanted to do it outside, that's a little bit kinky.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, that's it. I mean, I can say I'm in
Speaker 1: my kink, so I'm as as a sexual being, like
Speaker 1: I'm very energetic, right, So for me, my turn ons
Speaker 1: before anything, before any kind of touch has to come
Speaker 1: through my mind. It has to be stimulated, whether that's
Speaker 1: like wirism or just like the anticipation I am that
Speaker 1: person across a room literally you know that that needs
Speaker 1: that feeding, and that is a type of caink Like
Speaker 1: it's a type of energetic kink you will.
Speaker 3: Oh, And I think any time you're talking about kink,
Speaker 3: there's a little piece of it that is definitely energy
Speaker 3: that you can't ignore and acknowledging that just brings you
Speaker 3: deeper into the experience.
Speaker 1: And there's so much trust involved in kink, whether it's
Speaker 1: within yourself and or your partner hopefully both that it's
Speaker 1: that cultivation of like really getting to hear your yeses
Speaker 1: and your nose and I'm starting to understand for yourself, like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: what is it that I really want out of this
Speaker 1: or what is it I'm really desiring and what's really
Speaker 1: off the table and where can I like move into
Speaker 1: maybe right willing that place and having you know, particularly
Speaker 1: couples meet themselves there because I think they rarely have
Speaker 1: the same you know, the same fantasy.
Speaker 3: Very rarely, like it's and I think we need to
Speaker 3: normalize that you're going to have different fantasies from your partner,
Speaker 3: but you can find each other in them. You can
Speaker 3: find ways to work towards each other. You can balance
Speaker 3: it out by exploring one person's one night or one
Speaker 3: week and the other person's the next week. You don't
Speaker 3: always have to be in lockstep. There are ways for
Speaker 3: you to explore together even when you want different things.
Speaker 1: Agreed, Okay, I'm going to move into asking you some
Speaker 1: some questions about you. Okay, So, what is one truth
Speaker 1: your body has always known that took your mind years
Speaker 1: to catch up to.
Speaker 3: That My pleasure matters. I always have From the time
Speaker 3: I lost my virginity, I was giving direction of like
Speaker 3: do this touch this? Like just like that, I knew
Speaker 3: my pleasure mattered and I should go for it. My
Speaker 3: mind for years, in terms of the kings and bdaszmside
Speaker 3: was telling me not to bring it up or trying
Speaker 3: to hide me from it. But my body always new,
Speaker 3: like how to get what it wanted.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the battle mind viattles. What is the most
Speaker 1: intimate moment you've ever had that had nothing to do
Speaker 1: with sex.
Speaker 3: I was on a tandem bike. Yeah, yeah, it was
Speaker 3: a tandem bike and the college I was that just
Speaker 3: happened to get some and someone took me for a
Speaker 3: tandem bike ride and I was really scared, but I
Speaker 3: just had to trust them. And that was an intimate
Speaker 3: thing for me because I was letting go of control,
Speaker 3: trusting that they were going to get me around the
Speaker 3: campus on this bike. And I still like I little.
Speaker 3: I just got little tingles in my head remembering that render.
Speaker 1: Thank you. If you could be remembered for one sensation
Speaker 1: you gave someone, what would it be.
Speaker 3: Feeling seen.
Speaker 1: Like that? And if pleasure were a language, what would
Speaker 1: your first word be?
Speaker 3: Love?
Speaker 1: H beautiful? If your erotic life had a title like
Speaker 1: a novel or a film, what would it be called.
Speaker 3: You can't always get what you want, but if you try,
Speaker 3: sometimes you get what you need.
Speaker 1: Yep, do that one. What is one thing that you've
Speaker 1: never said out loud but you wish someone would ask you.
Speaker 3: About my biggest fear? I've never I don't think I've
Speaker 3: ever said it out loud, and I like talking about vulnerability.
Speaker 3: So what's your biggest fear?
Speaker 1: It would be the question, what's your biggest fear that
Speaker 1: might be. Question eleven is what part of your erotic
Speaker 1: self are you still afraid to bring to the light.
Speaker 3: The part of me, Oh, it's even scary to say it.
Speaker 3: The part of me that is willing to completely hand
Speaker 3: myself over to someone else and say, doom with my
Speaker 3: body whatever you want, even a partner. So I still
Speaker 3: feel very controlled in my own desire and wanting to
Speaker 3: give up control.
Speaker 1: Thank you. What dies in you when you pretend and
Speaker 1: what comes alive in you when you.
Speaker 3: Don't like pretend to be someone I'm not that or
Speaker 3: oh okay, so my heart sinks I'm incapable of pretending
Speaker 3: to be a version of myself that I am not.
Speaker 3: When I am truly authentically myself. A smile that I've
Speaker 3: been told lights up, a room comes out, and I
Speaker 3: just think I'm full of light when I get to
Speaker 3: be myself.
Speaker 1: Thank you, I would say, that's true. You are your
Speaker 1: beam light. Finish this sentence when I leave this life.
Speaker 1: I want my skin to remember.
Speaker 3: This is a non kinky or this is a crazy answer,
Speaker 3: but the feeling of really warm sun in a hot,
Speaker 3: dry climate, that's one of my favorite feelings. And feeling
Speaker 3: sun on my skin, I'm convinced I needed to live.
Speaker 3: Everyone does, but I'm like, it's important to me and
Speaker 3: I want my skin to never forget that wonderful feeling
Speaker 3: because that makes me really happy.
Speaker 1: Thank you. And if the soul has a scent, what
Speaker 1: does your smell like today?
Speaker 3: Of like fresh air in a field, that's just I
Speaker 3: feel very clear and calm and just sort of like
Speaker 3: wind waving in the grass. I think the scent would
Speaker 3: be that freshness and that clarity.
Speaker 1: Thank you and totally optional. What is your greatest fear?
Speaker 3: That I will not do the work I want to
Speaker 3: do and be able to help people understand that kink
Speaker 3: is not bad. The way doctor Ruth did things for sex,
Speaker 3: I want to do for kink. I want to help
Speaker 3: people understand kink is not a bad word. It is
Speaker 3: just an umbrella term for the things we want to
Speaker 3: explore in our sex life that are not as commonly
Speaker 3: accepted at the moment.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and having the permission to do it, giving yourself
Speaker 1: the permission. Absolutely. I love the work that you do. Okay,
Speaker 1: So where do people find you?
Speaker 3: My website is Amanda Dames dot com and if you
Speaker 3: go on there you can find everything you have the
Speaker 3: kink Consultant podcast or on Instagram the Underscore Kink Consultant.
Speaker 3: And I will also say, if you want to talk
Speaker 3: to your partner about kink, if you go to Amanda
Speaker 3: Dames dot com scroll to the very bottom, you can
Speaker 3: get a free worksheet called speaking your Desires with Confidence
Speaker 3: and it's a great guy to get you started on
Speaker 3: that conversation. So I highly recommend if anything here resonated today,
Speaker 3: go check out that free worksheet and try using it
Speaker 3: with your partner.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, communication skills. People communicate right, We're so terrified
Speaker 1: of doing it and having that and making it a game.
Speaker 1: Like you know, sex is messy, sex is fun. It's ridiculous,
Speaker 1: you know, it's not it's it doesn't come with lighting
Speaker 1: and background music.
Speaker 3: It's so true. And also some people are like, oh,
Speaker 3: well we try this, but then we just laugh, and
Speaker 3: I'm like, that's okay, that's the.
Speaker 1: Best you should laughing, yes, s nodding.
Speaker 5: I don't know, Like I'm just like, you know, some
Speaker 5: of the craziest noises, sounds, things that come out, like
Speaker 5: so you think about, you know, trying to be sexy
Speaker 5: and you're like, you're so hot.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but like I'm.
Speaker 3: Just the sounds are not always sexy.
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, the sounds are not always sexy, or the
Speaker 1: the way the words come out aren't always perfect.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's real.
Speaker 1: So thank you for joining me today. Thank you for
Speaker 1: being so open and candid and having a wealth of information.
Speaker 1: If there's anything else, I think we have a couple
Speaker 1: of minutes before going and otherwise, no.
Speaker 3: It was just so nice to feel like a heart
Speaker 3: connection with someone on a podcast. So thank you for
Speaker 3: making space and just asking such really insightful questions.
Speaker 1: Pleasure. Thank you, thank you and everyone else. Thank you
Speaker 1: for joining us today. It is a live one. I
Speaker 1: love it when we're live, and I will see you
Speaker 1: again next week.
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening to Skin and Soul with me, Gwenham.
Speaker 2: Join me Fridays at ten AMPSD on Transformation Talk Radio.
Speaker 1: Catch the podcast.
Speaker 2: Anytime on your favorite platforms. You can follow me on
Speaker 2: Instagram at louvology. Ready to Take the Next Step, Book
Speaker 2: a compatibility call with me at Gwenhemcarsley dot com.
Speaker 3: Take Best Take the Best Take