WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:02.000 Welcome to Skin and Soul. 2 00:00:02.160 --> 00:00:06.120 I'm Gwenhemkarsley, a transformational body, sex and Soul coach, and 3 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:09.320 I'm inviting you on a bold, unfiltered journey into the 4 00:00:09.320 --> 00:00:12.199 heart of our humanity through the lens of arrows. This 5 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:15.199 is where we strip away the shame, dive into the unspoken, 6 00:00:15.240 --> 00:00:16.800 and embrace the wild. 7 00:00:16.679 --> 00:00:19.559 Raw truth of our desires. Together we'll crack open the 8 00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:21.039 taboo and cover our. 9 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:24.320 Deepest intimacies and awaken the pulse of our sexual essence. 10 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:28.559 Because real transformation, it's messy, it's thrilling, and it's oh 11 00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:29.760 so delicious. 12 00:00:30.039 --> 00:00:30.920 Buckle up loves. 13 00:00:31.039 --> 00:00:34.759 Skin and Soul Beyond the Pale starts in three two one. 14 00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:35.600 Let's go. 15 00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:40.600 Hello and welcome everyone. I'm Gwenhem. I'm your host of 16 00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:43.240 Skin and Soul Beyond the Pale, and I am joined 17 00:00:43.240 --> 00:00:45.920 today by Amanda Dames, who is the founder of The 18 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:49.280 King Consultant. She's also host of The King Consultant podcast, 19 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:52.840 which is amazing. By the way. She's a certified sexologist, 20 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:56.759 sonatica sect of relationship coach, and a former dominatrix. So 21 00:00:56.759 --> 00:01:00.399 we have a really good, yummy, juicy topic today and 22 00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:02.000 we're going to be talking around kink. 23 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:05.719 Permission and permission to evolve, the permission to stay curious, 24 00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:08.239 to ask about and to be able to recognize that 25 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:11.920 your wants, desires, needs, and to be able to acpress them. 26 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:15.400 And I'm so excited to have you here. 27 00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:18.040 It's so welcome, Thank you, Gwenna, And it's lovely to 28 00:01:18.079 --> 00:01:20.120 be here. I've been looking forward to this conversation. 29 00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:24.760 Yeah, me too. And it's fun because right before we started, 30 00:01:25.239 --> 00:01:29.200 I was listening to Beverly Joe Scott. She has a 31 00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:35.000 song called Oh my God, make It Rock. Such a 32 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:39.359 good song, and I realized, like, oh, such a yummy 33 00:01:39.840 --> 00:01:43.000 to me. It speaks to my greatest desires, right, the 34 00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:45.200 things that I was never allowed to speak about. 35 00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:49.879 Yeah or yeah, I didn't even know I was allowed 36 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:54.760 to want back then. I thought I wanted something that 37 00:01:55.159 --> 00:01:57.640 was not allowed. Can you relate to that. That's sort 38 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:00.159 of like, oh, these things are good and these things 39 00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:03.640 are bad, and please just be a good girl. Yes. 40 00:02:03.799 --> 00:02:07.079 And I remember, you know, having different different partners would 41 00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:10.520 bring up different things. And I remember I think that 42 00:02:10.599 --> 00:02:13.159 was the first time I had a boyfriend that actually 43 00:02:13.639 --> 00:02:16.080 spanked me. I think I was more gud I must 44 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:19.560 have been. I don't know, nineteen somewhere around there, and 45 00:02:19.639 --> 00:02:21.800 I was I was just not ready for the world 46 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:26.000 of touch me in another way that's loving or what 47 00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:31.840 I was conceiving of loving and wanting. So yeah, absolutely 48 00:02:32.319 --> 00:02:34.719 to be able to say it, I want, you know, 49 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:36.719 I want a little bit of make it rough. I 50 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:39.439 want a little bit of that, you know. And I 51 00:02:39.479 --> 00:02:42.919 know you can identify that you're a switch. Yeah. Yeah, 52 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:45.199 So that back and forth feeling. 53 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:48.520 Oh, I love it. I love playing with energy and 54 00:02:48.680 --> 00:02:51.599 power like that and just getting to exert some of 55 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:54.400 that too, because that's another side of it. Be good 56 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:57.520 don't men and women experience. It's like it's like, be good, 57 00:02:57.639 --> 00:03:00.680 don't hit women, you know, And then that that's a 58 00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:02.960 big one as well. So like from all sides we're 59 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:05.400 being told what we should and shouldn't do. But when 60 00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:07.960 you do get to like just accept it and explore it. Ooh, 61 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:09.080 it's juicy. You're right. 62 00:03:10.439 --> 00:03:12.240 So for you, because I know you've been doing this 63 00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:16.439 work now for over ten years. Before you got into 64 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:19.439 this work, what do you think were some of those 65 00:03:19.479 --> 00:03:22.520 desires that you judged yourself for really harshly? 66 00:03:23.080 --> 00:03:26.960 Oh, I wanted to be spanked, I wanted to be punished, 67 00:03:27.159 --> 00:03:30.879 and I think, in small ways degraded and humiliated, and 68 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:34.080 that not only did I not know that that was okay, 69 00:03:34.199 --> 00:03:37.199 not only did I feel deep shame about it, but 70 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:41.080 I felt like I was broken, you know, I thought, like, 71 00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:44.840 who wants this? Not only that I felt really weak 72 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:47.400 for wanting it. I mean, strong people don't want to 73 00:03:47.400 --> 00:03:50.439 be degraded or humiliated. Strong people want to be respected. 74 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:54.240 So I felt that side of me was a weakness 75 00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:57.960 I had to bury deep and never admit to so 76 00:03:58.199 --> 00:04:02.199 like and this went from I speak about this pretty openly. 77 00:04:02.240 --> 00:04:04.039 From the age of five. I knew I had this 78 00:04:04.120 --> 00:04:07.840 weird obsession with punishment and spanking, but I didn't understand 79 00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:10.319 it had anything to do with my sex life or 80 00:04:10.759 --> 00:04:14.800 broader desires until I was in my teens. And just 81 00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:17.759 that shame of knowing I was weird as a kid, 82 00:04:17.839 --> 00:04:19.959 when you don't understand yourself at all and you're just 83 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:22.839 trying to absorb what the world is in general, that 84 00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:27.199 shame became very ingrained, and to this day it is 85 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:31.000 something that I actively have to fight against and like 86 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:33.600 just sort of be like, let's let this shame go. 87 00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:36.240 It's not mine. It's from a confused child who didn't 88 00:04:36.360 --> 00:04:37.759 understand things, you know. 89 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:41.040 Yeah, and then being able to express it as well, 90 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:46.000 especially when there's partners involved wo who have judgment around 91 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:49.639 because they're not that they can't accept that, oh right, 92 00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:52.399 because we're told so many things around what you're allowed 93 00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:55.720 to want, what you're what's acceptable and not susceptible, or 94 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:58.759 you're in a world right like otherwise you belong in 95 00:04:58.800 --> 00:05:03.519 the BDSM world, which is a whole other community into itself. 96 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:05.439 And I think there's a lot of judgment around that. 97 00:05:05.879 --> 00:05:07.639 I mean, I think I was lucky that I got 98 00:05:07.800 --> 00:05:13.240 some flavors of pink, and I definitely judge myself absolutely 99 00:05:13.360 --> 00:05:17.680 harshly around it and throughout my life even today, think 100 00:05:17.759 --> 00:05:20.439 oh my god, can I say that? And that comes 101 00:05:20.519 --> 00:05:21.000 back to. 102 00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:25.240 I feel the same way this. I do my work 103 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:27.800 and I'm full in it, I believe in it fully. 104 00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:30.519 But I will say sometimes I will hear a rant, 105 00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:33.680 or I'll read a blog post about someone who talks 106 00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:36.879 about having explored BDSM and kink and how now they 107 00:05:36.920 --> 00:05:38.759 see the light and they're a real feminist and they 108 00:05:38.759 --> 00:05:41.879 don't do that anymore, and I internally think, am I 109 00:05:41.959 --> 00:05:43.879 not a real feminist? And then I go through it, 110 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:47.399 And I'm like, Amanda, you are a feminist. You empower 111 00:05:47.480 --> 00:05:51.800 women to explore what they want. So but society is 112 00:05:51.879 --> 00:05:55.240 still sending out those messages that what I want is wrong, 113 00:05:55.480 --> 00:05:58.160 even in such an open space. And I do think 114 00:05:58.199 --> 00:06:00.120 we're a lot more open today than we were in 115 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:01.160 the eighties and nineties. 116 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:04.439 Yeah, And I think that's a really interesting topic around 117 00:06:04.839 --> 00:06:09.120 feminism because isn't feminism the ability to choose for yourself 118 00:06:09.240 --> 00:06:12.399 exactly what you want, whatever that might be. And that 119 00:06:12.519 --> 00:06:17.199 might be you know, traditional roles or as well you know, 120 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:22.560 or vanilla sex, but coming from that authentic place, that 121 00:06:22.759 --> 00:06:24.600 isn't shaming anything. 122 00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:27.879 Exactly it is. And it breaks my heart even when 123 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:30.800 I see people shaming tradwives, because I feel like, no, 124 00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:33.079 I want them to have the choice to live the 125 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:35.920 life they want to. I think the place where for 126 00:06:35.959 --> 00:06:40.480 me it gets a little all feminism is lost when 127 00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.639 we have one woman telling another woman how to live. 128 00:06:43.319 --> 00:06:46.399 And I think that's as simple as it gets. So 129 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:48.959 for me, I'm like, please don't tell the tradwives not 130 00:06:49.120 --> 00:06:52.639 to do what they want to do. Equally, tradwives, please 131 00:06:52.680 --> 00:06:54.959 do not shame me for wanting to have a job, 132 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:56.839 and maybe one day, have kids and do it all 133 00:06:56.879 --> 00:07:00.879 as opposed to committing to one type of life. 134 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:03.600 Yeah, and I think people have an idea around kink, 135 00:07:03.959 --> 00:07:05.519 and I think I'd love it if you explained it, 136 00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:07.240 you know, from all the work that you do. 137 00:07:07.319 --> 00:07:07.720 It's just. 138 00:07:09.399 --> 00:07:11.879 People have this idea that kink is this one thing 139 00:07:12.120 --> 00:07:16.079 right and that it's naughty and taboo. But like in extremes, 140 00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:20.360 and your experience with kink is. 141 00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:24.439 Oh, it's everything in between. It can be as light 142 00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:27.160 as just I mean a tap on the bottom, you know, 143 00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:29.800 just like as a flirtatious little smack on the bump, 144 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:32.439 all the way up to something more extreme like impact 145 00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:36.120 play with what people are probably more used to seeing 146 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:39.439 in movies and stuff like riding crops and whips. But 147 00:07:39.800 --> 00:07:42.680 kink is anything that is viewed as alternative to what 148 00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:46.399 mainstream intimacy is at the time. So an example I 149 00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:49.519 always give is if someone wants to give a blowjob. Now, 150 00:07:49.519 --> 00:07:52.560 that's quite a normal thing, it's even expected, But fifty 151 00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:56.120 years ago that was a very kinky, taboo thing to do. 152 00:07:56.839 --> 00:08:01.399 And our acceptance as a society is actually what changes 153 00:08:01.439 --> 00:08:04.360 things and brings them from kinky to mainstream. So then 154 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:07.319 you have to think a lot of things are still 155 00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:11.000 out there that are borderline mainstream but our kinky. And 156 00:08:11.079 --> 00:08:14.000 I love to give examples, like if you've ever wanted 157 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.319 to be tied up during sex or even held down 158 00:08:16.439 --> 00:08:17.920 or said, you know, I just want him to take 159 00:08:18.079 --> 00:08:22.720 charge in the bedroom, that is now that's still considered kinky. 160 00:08:23.000 --> 00:08:25.120 You know, you want to be told what to do, 161 00:08:25.279 --> 00:08:30.040 how to act, even in small ways like get on 162 00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:32.399 the bed and spread your legs for me. That would 163 00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:35.559 be a kinky thing to say, because there's a power 164 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:39.919 exchange going on there. So kink is the definition is 165 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:42.240 so broad. It's kind of whatever you make it to be. 166 00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:45.200 But you also have to pay attention to like is 167 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:48.080 this regular in society now? For example, my favorite, my 168 00:08:48.159 --> 00:08:51.600 actual favorite is sex toys. Now it's just expected everyone's 169 00:08:51.639 --> 00:08:55.279 including sex toys in their sex life. But even twenty 170 00:08:55.360 --> 00:08:58.960 years ago, that was a kinky thing to do, was 171 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:01.600 to bring a vibrator in the bedroom during mutual sex. 172 00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:04.240 Yeah, and I think a lot of people still have 173 00:09:04.279 --> 00:09:08.120 a hard time bringing in toys right there is I mean, 174 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:10.320 I'm of a generation, I'm not that all, but I'm 175 00:09:10.360 --> 00:09:13.919 definitely not when I'm looking at you know, the twenty 176 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:16.759 year olds today that might have so much sex education 177 00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:21.200 at their fingertips and I don't know, Like the people 178 00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:23.200 that I work with are over forty, and so the 179 00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:29.799 experience is so different around what's acceptable in the bedroom. Right, 180 00:09:29.879 --> 00:09:31.879 Can I bring in a toy? Does that person think 181 00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:35.919 then that they're inadequate? Right? Like, there's all these stories 182 00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:38.919 that we tell ourselves around well, if I bring this in, 183 00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:41.200 that means that they think I'm not you know, they're 184 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:45.200 not satisfying me, or that I don't I don't like 185 00:09:45.559 --> 00:09:48.440 their their cock, or they're pussy or whatever. It is 186 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.240 right that that somehow it needs a replacement rather than 187 00:09:53.240 --> 00:09:54.720 these are toys in play. 188 00:09:55.440 --> 00:09:59.000 Yes, And I actually think what's going on with that 189 00:09:59.080 --> 00:10:02.159 younger generation is not just exposure, but I think the 190 00:10:02.240 --> 00:10:06.000 younger generation has less attachment to their own ego, so 191 00:10:06.039 --> 00:10:09.840 they explore things, they approach it curiously. And I know 192 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:11.679 we can say that of a lot of young people, 193 00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:14.840 but they are not being bombarded with the messaging that 194 00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:17.000 a man has to be strong and make a woman 195 00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:19.960 come and all of the things that were passed down 196 00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:22.799 to us by like high school students above us telling 197 00:10:22.879 --> 00:10:25.840 us exactly what sex was supposed to be and in 198 00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:31.559 that we just it was ingrained this form of masculinity 199 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:34.080 and what a man should be and what a woman 200 00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:37.200 should be. And thank god the younger generation don't have that, 201 00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:40.159 so they're able to explore things that maybe for our 202 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:42.559 generation it was harder. Like I'm thirty seven right now, 203 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:44.320 so I haven't hit that forty mark, but I know 204 00:10:44.440 --> 00:10:46.919 exactly what you're talking about. I also grew up in 205 00:10:47.159 --> 00:10:51.279 Catholic Ireland, where sex was even more taboo there than 206 00:10:51.320 --> 00:10:52.639 I think in the US at the time. 207 00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:55.240 Well, and I often think like, oh my god, So 208 00:10:55.639 --> 00:11:00.840 wherever there's religion and things are really suppressed is where 209 00:11:02.039 --> 00:11:07.519 the kinkiest fantasies come from. And I'd love to talk 210 00:11:07.559 --> 00:11:10.600 a little bit around really taboo kinky thoughts or what 211 00:11:10.679 --> 00:11:17.000 people deem as unacceptable and how to approach those kinks, 212 00:11:17.080 --> 00:11:19.840 because I think people are just terrified, Like what do 213 00:11:19.879 --> 00:11:22.919 you think, Like some of the most terrifying kinks are 214 00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:25.840 that people just are shocked about themselves that they want 215 00:11:25.960 --> 00:11:26.519 or desire. 216 00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:29.120 Okay, So one that I'm going to talk about is 217 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:33.559 the daddy baby girl kink, right where the submissive is. 218 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:36.879 It's a little bit sometimes it can include age play 219 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:39.720 where the either party. By the way, it can be 220 00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:41.200 men or women. But I'm just going to go with 221 00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:44.879 the more mainstream version of like daddy dom, but baby 222 00:11:44.919 --> 00:11:48.240 girl who is playing a younger age, and she is 223 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:50.559 not in her head a younger age. It is just 224 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:54.240 a role play, and the fantasy there is I just 225 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:56.519 want to be taken care of. It is a deeper 226 00:11:56.600 --> 00:12:00.000 version of the fantasy of like, I am tired of 227 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:02.679 making all the decisions. I don't want to have to 228 00:12:02.679 --> 00:12:05.399 think about anything. Can we just play pretend in a 229 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:07.519 world where I don't have to be in charge and 230 00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:10.519 someone is here to take care of me. That is 231 00:12:10.600 --> 00:12:12.679 quite jarring to a lot of people because they're like, 232 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:14.360 what does this mean I want to be a child? 233 00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:19.639 Is this? Am I like a pedophile or something like that. 234 00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:22.360 It's like, I have this rule. As long as it 235 00:12:22.440 --> 00:12:26.120 is consensual between adults and legal where you are, you're 236 00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:29.120 good to go. If you and your adults partner are 237 00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:32.919 consensually agreeing to just between the two of you play 238 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:35.440 this game where you are role playing a younger age. 239 00:12:35.960 --> 00:12:38.519 There is nothing wrong with that, and sometimes it's just 240 00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:42.080 helping people understand you're playing your role playing. There's no 241 00:12:42.200 --> 00:12:46.320 reason to shame yourself about that. So that's a common 242 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:48.720 one that I hear a lot of shame about. And 243 00:12:48.759 --> 00:12:52.240 then another one that I hear a lot cross dressing. 244 00:12:52.919 --> 00:12:55.360 I have a lot of men who enjoy cross dressing, 245 00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:58.120 and I often get calls from women and they say, like, 246 00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:01.559 what's wrong with my partner? I caught him wearing women's 247 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:04.000 clothes And they're actually quite scared. They don't want to 248 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:07.120 break up, they just think there's something pathological. And I 249 00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:10.080 talk them a lot of women off the ledge of like, Nope, 250 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:11.679 I really have to tell you, this is so much 251 00:13:11.679 --> 00:13:14.559 more common than you think. So I think those are 252 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.559 two where people are doing something and they feel so 253 00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:20.919 alone in it because society says this is wrong, but 254 00:13:20.919 --> 00:13:21.799 they're quite common. 255 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:24.000 And where did I come from? So, like when you 256 00:13:24.039 --> 00:13:27.279 think about your own liking to get spanked, and from 257 00:13:27.279 --> 00:13:30.559 like a very young age, have this thing around punishment 258 00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:35.879 getting spanked. Because these fantasies are rooted in us at 259 00:13:35.960 --> 00:13:38.399 such an early age, they're wired and to us, and 260 00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:44.279 I think people don't generally understand that it's coming from 261 00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:49.960 a desire for a feeling. It's not just about the spanking, 262 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:53.960 it's not just about the cross dressing that it's giving 263 00:13:54.279 --> 00:13:58.200 the person something. So for you going back and thinking, oh, 264 00:13:58.279 --> 00:14:00.559 this rooted spanking, what was that for you? 265 00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:04.960 I think when I discuss what I'm into now and 266 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:08.639 what it gives me, the feeling is that I feel 267 00:14:08.679 --> 00:14:12.039 seen and paid attention to. Someone is noticing me if 268 00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:15.279 they notice I'm doing something wrong. I had a wonderful 269 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:17.440 childhood where I was not ignored at all, but I 270 00:14:17.480 --> 00:14:19.840 do I was the eldest and then my younger sister 271 00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:22.240 is thirteen months younger, and there could be an element 272 00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:24.960 of just wanting more attention. But I was a goodie 273 00:14:24.960 --> 00:14:26.639 two shoes kid as well, like I was not the 274 00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:29.519 kid who ever did get punished because I just I 275 00:14:29.639 --> 00:14:32.840 was born good and not trying to be a brat. 276 00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:34.639 So I didn't get punished and I didn't really do 277 00:14:34.679 --> 00:14:36.320 a lot that deserved it. I even brought my mom 278 00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:39.399 on the podcast to discuss this in depth about what 279 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:41.720 my childhood was like. So I think for some of us, 280 00:14:41.799 --> 00:14:44.320 we are born this way. And there is a difference 281 00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:46.639 between a kink and a fetish. A fetish is a 282 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:48.919 need to have to achieve a rousal. A kink is 283 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:52.240 a nice to have. I will say my punishment is 284 00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:54.799 a ideal, is a fetish, and I do need it 285 00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:57.600 to achieve arousal. So I think there's more of that 286 00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:00.759 that you're born with than you actually just develop over time. 287 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:04.039 But I think kinks in general a lot of them 288 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:07.720 to do with power exchange or cross dressing. I think 289 00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:10.000 they come from a place of extreme curiosity of what 290 00:15:10.039 --> 00:15:12.440 would this be like and then finding out you enjoy it, 291 00:15:12.519 --> 00:15:15.679 or paying attention to power dynamics in your life of oh, 292 00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:17.879 mom and dad have all the power, I have none, 293 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.919 my teacher has all the power. I have none. I 294 00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:23.759 feel vulnerable in a doctor's office because they know all 295 00:15:23.799 --> 00:15:25.759 the things and I don't really know what's going on. 296 00:15:26.360 --> 00:15:29.399 And we find ways to find fun in that and 297 00:15:29.519 --> 00:15:32.960 react to it and think, Okay, can I play with this? 298 00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:35.519 So I think a lot of kink comes from can 299 00:15:35.559 --> 00:15:39.720 I play with this? Feeling? Desire, curiosity. 300 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:41.600 I was gonna say, I also think that kink often 301 00:15:41.639 --> 00:15:44.759 comes from wounding as well, just to name that that 302 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:48.799 it can that you know that oftentimes wounds can be 303 00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:55.440 replayed or traumas can be replayed through kanko to feeling, 304 00:15:55.519 --> 00:15:58.360 but also that it can be an arousal that we 305 00:15:58.480 --> 00:16:03.039 absolutely don't want have aroused that discordance, and you're like, oh, 306 00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:04.720 I need this, but I don't want. 307 00:16:04.519 --> 00:16:07.799 This, right, So yes, and thank you for saying that. 308 00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:10.480 So I'm so used to having to explain that not 309 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:14.039 all kink comes from trauma, but some of it does, right, 310 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:17.799 So yes, absolutely, there is so much that people want 311 00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:21.200 to experience, and we call it having repetition with agency. 312 00:16:21.559 --> 00:16:24.679 So there's a lot of people who have what's commonly 313 00:16:24.679 --> 00:16:27.240 referred to as a rape fantasy, but in the kink world, 314 00:16:27.279 --> 00:16:30.399 what we call that is consensual non consent. You are 315 00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:33.519 playing out you've given consent in advance that you two 316 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:35.639 are going to play as if you don't have consent 317 00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:39.159 and you are being raped or assaulted. And for so 318 00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:42.200 many people who have experienced that trauma, it allows them 319 00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:47.200 to feel re empowered in a sexual place because they 320 00:16:47.240 --> 00:16:50.080 are experiencing it. And for some people that is one 321 00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:52.120 of the most healing things for them. It brings them 322 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:53.960 back to their sex life, brings them back to their 323 00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:58.080 orgasms for the first time since before the assault happened. 324 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:02.080 So yeah, that is of their body right, being able 325 00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:06.359 to take agency over their experiences. And that's, like you said, 326 00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:09.279 that's not everybody, and so what do you find is 327 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:15.839 probably the most common kinky fantasy thoughts for women that 328 00:17:15.880 --> 00:17:18.400 women don't want to admit being dominated. 329 00:17:19.559 --> 00:17:23.519 So many women want a man who just takes complete 330 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:27.240 control and handles all of the situations so that they 331 00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:31.000 are able to just relax into pleasure and receive. And 332 00:17:31.079 --> 00:17:34.200 it's varying degrees of control that they're looking for, Like 333 00:17:34.279 --> 00:17:36.839 some of them are looking for that harsher, more primal, 334 00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:42.799 I'm being taken aggressively type of dominance, and others just 335 00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:45.640 want that like wine and dine me, bring me home, 336 00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:47.519 put me in the bed, and do all of the 337 00:17:47.559 --> 00:17:50.279 things I know I want without me having to ask 338 00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:53.319 for it. You know, one of the biggest fantasies I 339 00:17:53.319 --> 00:17:55.559 think is just I wish you knew what I wanted, 340 00:17:55.839 --> 00:17:58.640 and that comes through communication. But by communicating it you 341 00:17:58.680 --> 00:18:01.279 can get there in that fantasy world of oh, he's 342 00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:03.319 doing all the right things, maybe because I told him 343 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:05.160 three days ago what to do, but I'm getting it 344 00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:06.359 now in one fell swoop. 345 00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:10.079 So I think for women's attention, like, yeh men, if 346 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:12.599 you're paying attention, right, I mean, I think that's the 347 00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:15.720 hardest thing ever. I think some women feel that oh, 348 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:19.000 if I say it, then it's no longer sexy, And 349 00:18:19.079 --> 00:18:21.960 I disagree. I think when you say it, it becomes 350 00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:25.119 even sexier because just in being able to talk about 351 00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:30.440 it can can tend to like spice up things. And 352 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:33.319 and you know, we're not mind readers. That's the other 353 00:18:33.400 --> 00:18:36.920 part around sexuality is like we're not even with the 354 00:18:36.960 --> 00:18:39.960 best partner, right even with you know, somebody who's really 355 00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:43.000 in tune with you is not going to know your deepest, 356 00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:44.519 darkest secrets fantasies. 357 00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:47.839 No, and where did this idea come from that we 358 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:50.599 all had to be mind readers in the bedroom? Like 359 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:54.880 the idea that talking about it was bad is prevalent 360 00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:58.799 through I think many culturist countries everywhere you're just expected 361 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:02.160 to know. And I don't know how we came up 362 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:02.839 with that myth. 363 00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:08.240 Well, and we have these cultures that have extensive, uh, 364 00:19:08.359 --> 00:19:12.160 you know, manuals around sexuality when you think of the 365 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:17.039 Kamasutra and just and these manuals of sexuality, of positions 366 00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:20.119 and how how to arouse a man or a woman 367 00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:23.200 and different you know, and today, I mean, I know 368 00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:24.720 when I went to school, there was like there's no 369 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:30.359 there's no education around around pleasure, like you know, you're 370 00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:35.680 waiting and actively seeking it in many ways because otherwise 371 00:19:35.720 --> 00:19:38.039 you know, the alternative is born. And again you know, 372 00:19:38.119 --> 00:19:41.000 there's nothing wrong with porn all in context, et cetera. 373 00:19:41.799 --> 00:19:44.480 But to me, it's not the place to learn about sex, right, 374 00:19:44.519 --> 00:19:48.640 It's not the place to learn about ultimate pleasure, no. 375 00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:52.640 Not at all, right, And the place to learn about 376 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:55.240 it is probably would have perfectly been in sex ed 377 00:19:55.480 --> 00:19:58.359 to teach you that your pleasure is valid and seeking 378 00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:00.880 it is valid, as opposed to just don't get pregnant, 379 00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:03.359 don't get an STI this is how you avoid those things. 380 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:06.279 So we're scaring people from the beginning, not giving them 381 00:20:06.279 --> 00:20:09.799 many tools to explore their own pleasure, and then act 382 00:20:09.960 --> 00:20:13.000 shocked and shaken when they turn to porn. When teenagers 383 00:20:13.039 --> 00:20:16.079 turn to porn to learn, we act like this is 384 00:20:16.119 --> 00:20:19.519 the craziest thing ever, and it is, but it's because 385 00:20:19.559 --> 00:20:20.920 we set the system up that way. 386 00:20:21.599 --> 00:20:25.200 Yeah. Absolutely, I think it's such a travesty. I mean 387 00:20:25.240 --> 00:20:27.720 I went to school and basically had a teacher say 388 00:20:28.839 --> 00:20:31.799 hand us a book and say, you know, talk amongst 389 00:20:31.839 --> 00:20:34.880 yourselves because she was having a hard time, oh my 390 00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:37.839 gosh about sex. Right, And so you know, and I 391 00:20:37.920 --> 00:20:39.839 went to an old girls' school, so it was just 392 00:20:39.880 --> 00:20:42.880 a lot of chitter chatter and gossick. 393 00:20:43.640 --> 00:20:46.039 That is so funny. I wonder if she'd even had sex, 394 00:20:46.279 --> 00:20:49.400 like to have such an awkward thing about talking about it. 395 00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:52.000 But that was I mean, I grew up with a 396 00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:55.440 mom who was very, very free in her body in 397 00:20:55.519 --> 00:21:00.319 terms of being naked, but being sexual was a whole 398 00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:05.119 other matter. And so I found myself trying to subdue, 399 00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:07.519 you know, the fact that I was a really sexual 400 00:21:07.519 --> 00:21:10.119 little being and didn't know what to do with it. 401 00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:13.160