WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.240 I was already tired before I even parked the car, 2 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:07.839 and the night pressed heavy as I shut off the 3 00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:10.640 head lights and sat in the driver's seat, catching my breath. 4 00:00:11.160 --> 00:00:13.279 Our Friday trivia Knight was supposed to feel like a 5 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:15.679 reward for surviving forty two high school as armed with 6 00:00:15.720 --> 00:00:18.879 fidget spinners and apathy for enduring Kaffetiva launches that always 7 00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:21.800 tasted vaguely of guardboard. But that night I felt like 8 00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:24.399 an intruder. Late after a blur of veseigrading at eedn 9 00:00:24.440 --> 00:00:27.039 through my afternoon and half my evening, the winter air 10 00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:29.039 nipped at my ankles as I crossed the cracked lot 11 00:00:29.079 --> 00:00:32.359 to McBride's, half lit humming with condensation on the windows 12 00:00:32.359 --> 00:00:34.159 and the thump of the smith's coming through the breakfast 13 00:00:34.159 --> 00:00:37.039 od inside, the familiar warble of laughter hit me. I 14 00:00:37.079 --> 00:00:40.479 spotted our group's usual table near the dartboards, scattering of 15 00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:42.799 half empty pink glasses, the pile of purses, some one 16 00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:45.719 scarf over a scratch wooden chair. But what I didn't 17 00:00:45.719 --> 00:00:48.079 see was Caleb. He tucked at me a thumbs up 18 00:00:48.079 --> 00:00:50.600 emoji after work said see you there, save me that 19 00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:53.719 seat by the wall. That was the last ping I 20 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:55.960 glanced at our group. Lila was chatting up Mark from 21 00:00:55.960 --> 00:00:58.880 Social Studies. Stuff poured over the trivish sheets and over 22 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:01.479 by the bar. Two teachers from another department, mister Yule 23 00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:05.159 and mss Pereres, were deep in conversation, foreheads almost touching, 24 00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:09.040 like conspirators. My instincts left over from years of deciphering 25 00:01:09.040 --> 00:01:11.840 teenage lies made me double back. Did Caleb tell me 26 00:01:11.879 --> 00:01:13.640 he'd meet me here? Or was there a plan I'd 27 00:01:13.640 --> 00:01:15.560 missed because I was grating how let essays until my 28 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:20.760 brain went static. I checked my phone again, no new messages. Then, 29 00:01:21.079 --> 00:01:23.120 just as I walked closer to the bar to order 30 00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:26.400 or drink, I heard mister Yule mention Caleb's name something 31 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:29.640 in a Kitin's soft, almost apologetic. I just think he 32 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:34.079 should have Then silence. I pretended not to notice, giving 33 00:01:34.120 --> 00:01:36.599 them a practice tired smile, but a mess. Perez's eyes 34 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:40.079 flicked up, sheepish and round a heartbeat pass. Nobody finished 35 00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:43.159 the sentence. It could have been anything. I forgotten faculty 36 00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:46.079 meeting and off Han Cassip about a committee job. But 37 00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:48.120 I heard the hush, the way a room dips quieter 38 00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:50.599 when you say something about someone and realized too late 39 00:01:50.640 --> 00:01:53.439 that they've just walked in. I brushed it off, ordered 40 00:01:53.480 --> 00:01:55.560 a Gin and tonic, but the sensation stuck to me 41 00:01:55.760 --> 00:01:58.439 a burr under a sock. I checked the time again, 42 00:01:58.519 --> 00:02:01.599 trying to will Caleb's name on to mine modifications. Did 43 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:04.680 everyone know something I didn't? If so, no one seemed 44 00:02:04.680 --> 00:02:07.159 eager to fill me in. I returned to the table, 45 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:09.479 squeezed between Leela and s death that in the chatter 46 00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:11.800 in the first round of trivia questions filled whatever space 47 00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:14.680 in my chest. The silent had hollowed out. The absent 48 00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:16.520 sat next to me at the table, as sharp as 49 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:19.400 the cold outside. The music was the same. The trivia 50 00:02:19.439 --> 00:02:22.400 horse Corny banded just as bad as always, Leela nudging 51 00:02:22.439 --> 00:02:25.199 me for useless band facts. Only I ever scored, but 52 00:02:25.240 --> 00:02:28.280 I kept scanning the bar, waiting. I told myself to 53 00:02:28.360 --> 00:02:30.000 let it go, to not ask, to not send a 54 00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:32.240 needy text, to not embarrass myself with suspicion that I 55 00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:34.719 didn't want anyone else to see. But when the round 56 00:02:34.840 --> 00:02:37.199 ended and Callop still wasn't there, the prickle that had 57 00:02:37.240 --> 00:02:39.960 started was mister Yel's and finished sentence turned into something 58 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:43.599 nearly like dread. We'd always been the golden pear, a 59 00:02:43.639 --> 00:02:46.319 phrase I hated and love an equal measure. It started 60 00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:48.479 as a joke at the Falstaff Retreat. Callup and me, 61 00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:51.360 two impossibly earnest young teachers, still so sure that teaching 62 00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:54.520 English or social studies actually changed the trajectory of anyone's life. 63 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:57.800 We met a professional development session about project based learning 64 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:00.520 of all things. I was twenty six save he was 65 00:03:00.520 --> 00:03:03.400 twenty nine. Both rolling our eyes through another teedy talk 66 00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:06.599 clip about transforming to flatterom leadership. We snuck out to 67 00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:09.319 the hallway exchanged ry glances inside jokes about the lamest 68 00:03:09.319 --> 00:03:12.919 ice breakers. That first bark was easy, so easy, in fact, 69 00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:15.759 that everyone pointed it out before we even omitted it ourselves. 70 00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:19.759 We married not long after. Looking back, maybe I should 71 00:03:19.800 --> 00:03:22.879 have questioned how quickly everything's laid into place, But at 72 00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:24.840 the time it just felt right, like we'd figured out 73 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:27.560 adulthood faster than the rest. Two good jobs and apartment 74 00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:30.280 with built and bookshelves, a routine involving late night lesson 75 00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:32.960 planning punctuated by bursts of laughter and left over PATAI 76 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:37.439 calap drived on motion. He volunteered for every club, signed 77 00:03:37.479 --> 00:03:40.120 up for chaperoning, joined committees and had a knack for 78 00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:42.919 rising to every challenge to school. Through his way, I 79 00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:45.159 was steadier, content to put in my best and go home. 80 00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:48.520 Slow to ambition, but supportive. I cheered him on, even 81 00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:51.639 when his drive sometimes cast shade over our evenings. We 82 00:03:51.719 --> 00:03:54.520 made triviaur tradition every Friday, unless flu season or parent 83 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:59.319 teacher conferences intervened. Wednesdays we'd cook together. Sundays, we'd do 84 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:02.080 the Times crossward in bed, arguing over wordplay and who 85 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:04.960 got the clever clues fir ust. My family, a mess 86 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:07.560 of step relatives and Milwaukee cousins were close by, but 87 00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:11.439 not intrusive. Caleb's parents lived in a quadra Chicago suburbs. 88 00:04:11.439 --> 00:04:14.280 More hands off. We'd build our own chosen family in 89 00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:16.480 the city. Our friends from work, a few grad school 90 00:04:16.480 --> 00:04:18.879 hold overs, occasional artist types who drifted in and out. 91 00:04:19.519 --> 00:04:21.439 We lived in a two bedroom walk up with peeling 92 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:24.519 paint and mismatched furniture, my grandmother's velvet arm chair, our 93 00:04:24.519 --> 00:04:26.839 record play from a thrift shop, cheap posters from every 94 00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:31.480 faculty Halloween party we ever attended. We shared passwords, email accounts, 95 00:04:31.519 --> 00:04:35.399 corocory lists on the fridge, everything, money, wasn't tight, but 96 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:37.839 we both grew up frugally from necessity, me from hat. 97 00:04:38.439 --> 00:04:41.480 I always thought our differences balanced usal. He'd go after 98 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.560 assistant department head, and I'd remind him to breathe slow down, 99 00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:47.480 to take the small pleasure seriously. He topped me through 100 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:49.959 my health scare, holding my hay back, rubbing my back 101 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:51.519 while half the world fell away in a blue lit 102 00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:55.120 hospital room. We'd planned trips obsessively. I'd do the spreadsheets. 103 00:04:55.160 --> 00:04:57.519 He'd find the best little record store in whatever city 104 00:04:57.560 --> 00:05:00.560 we visited, no matter how small even. And now when 105 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:02.639 I look around our apartment, it's hard to sort out 106 00:05:02.639 --> 00:05:05.759 which memories are only my number two hours, the mags 107 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:08.399 with bad puns, the faded concert tickets tacked over the desk. 108 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:11.399 They do not disturb reading sign we bought on a whim. 109 00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:13.839 All of it evidence of two people who, at least 110 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:16.120 for a while, trusted each other more than anyone else. 111 00:05:16.680 --> 00:05:19.680 But something shifted the past year. Maybe it started when 112 00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:22.959 the new principle took over a mess coldwell, all starched 113 00:05:22.959 --> 00:05:27.319 collars and dated assboards, cutting costs and doubling paperwork. Calob 114 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:30.600 threw himself into surviving her regime. He came home, Brittle, 115 00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:33.240 poured two fingers of whiskey instead of one, complained less 116 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:35.480 unless until he barely offered more than a shrug after 117 00:05:35.519 --> 00:05:38.360 a day's work. Work was always the centerpiece of around 118 00:05:38.360 --> 00:05:40.839 which we arranged our life. But when I tried to 119 00:05:40.839 --> 00:05:44.000 ask about the latest drama, his responses grew shorter. Long day, 120 00:05:44.759 --> 00:05:47.800 or it's just the new leadership, you know. I interpreted 121 00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:52.120 his silence as exhaustion, not detachment. That was safer. At 122 00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:54.480 some point, I tell myself, we take a breath and 123 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:57.399 laugh about it over brunch. I didn't want to nag, 124 00:05:57.519 --> 00:05:59.839 or worse, confer my worse. Fear of the partnership we'd 125 00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:02.639 buid so meticulously had invisible cracks neither of us wanted 126 00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:04.800 to see. I never thought that the cracks would become 127 00:06:04.839 --> 00:06:08.600 so wide I could fall right through the morning After Trivia, 128 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.639 Calob was already up running the shower. I padded into 129 00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:13.800 the kitchen, fighting the string of questions I didn't want 130 00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:18.360 to say out loud over eggs. He was casual, almost bland. Sorry, 131 00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:20.199 I miss Trivia got caught up as Skull had to 132 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:22.439 set up for Monday's lesson. They last track of time. 133 00:06:22.920 --> 00:06:24.959 He had a way of tossing excuses off handedly and 134 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:28.480 slightly to practice John behind the words. I tried, in 135 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:30.560 my own clumsy way to close the tiny gap I 136 00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:32.920 felt growing between us, brushing his arm, jerking about the 137 00:06:32.920 --> 00:06:35.399 trivia answers. He would have nailed offering another round of 138 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:37.680 coffee in a mug that said hot for teacher, but 139 00:06:37.759 --> 00:06:40.000 he smiled without meeting my eye, and as I leaned 140 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:42.680 in lips seeking his, he ducked away, brushing at invisible 141 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.319 crumbs on the counter. Sorry, Jane, just paperwork, over load, 142 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:49.079 principal drama, you know. I let it go and busied 143 00:06:49.120 --> 00:06:53.439 myself with dishes. No point forcing a mood. Most saturdays 144 00:06:53.480 --> 00:06:56.959 we clean, run errands on wine together, but that day 145 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:00.120 Calb was distracted. He typed at his lap up, then 146 00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:02.319 switched his phone. When I tried to ask what he 147 00:07:02.360 --> 00:07:05.720 was working on, he waved it away, just emails, schedules. 148 00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:08.439 Can we talk later, gent I retreated to the couch, 149 00:07:08.600 --> 00:07:10.839 hiding in a novel and resisting the urge to scroll 150 00:07:10.879 --> 00:07:13.959 back through our texts for reassurance. The hour slipped by 151 00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:16.759 that evening. A group message unded in my phone are 152 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:19.160 a cap of trivia fast and light but half our 153 00:07:19.199 --> 00:07:22.319 friends were missing from the thread. Leela didn't respond, and 154 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:25.439 neither did Steff, both usually glued to their phones. I 155 00:07:25.480 --> 00:07:28.160 sent a private text to Steph. No answer. Dinner that 156 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:31.120 night was left overstew Kalab picked at it. I was 157 00:07:31.160 --> 00:07:33.839 flicking to his phone every few minutes, fingers flicking over 158 00:07:33.879 --> 00:07:36.720 the screen. He'd never been openly rude or dismissive, but 159 00:07:36.759 --> 00:07:39.040 every smile felt like a hollowed up version of itself, 160 00:07:39.120 --> 00:07:42.639 every aha substitute for connection. I asked if Fork was pressing, 161 00:07:42.680 --> 00:07:45.399 if I needed to back off, give him space. He 162 00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:48.240 stared at me, jaw tight. I said, I'm handling it. 163 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:50.480 Can we please stop talking about work? Just this once? 164 00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:53.240 I stared at my fork, chained into silence by the 165 00:07:53.279 --> 00:07:56.399 heat in his voice. After dinner, he disappeared into the 166 00:07:56.399 --> 00:07:58.639 spare bedroom, claiming he had grading to catch up on, 167 00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:02.279 leaving the door open. The conversation closed. A batch of 168 00:08:02.279 --> 00:08:05.120 small rejections with him one day, all easily explained, except 169 00:08:05.160 --> 00:08:08.399 that strung together, they left me restless, trolling Netflix for distraction. 170 00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:11.600 I thought about asking straight out if something was wrong. 171 00:08:12.399 --> 00:08:14.240 I also thought about the look that passed between a 172 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:16.519 mess Perese and messill all the night before, and how 173 00:08:16.519 --> 00:08:18.639 easily I could imagine there and certainty being meant for 174 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:21.639 something innocuous, a surprise party and new committee, even a joke. 175 00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:24.199 But I couldn't shake the sense that for the first 176 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:27.040 time in years, Caleb was gently but deliberately pushing me away. 177 00:08:27.639 --> 00:08:29.399 I rolled over in bed that night and tried to 178 00:08:29.439 --> 00:08:32.879 convince myself. The couples went through rough spells. No marriage 179 00:08:32.919 --> 00:08:36.399 was seamless. Ambition stressed the brutality of our jobs. It 180 00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:38.240 wore you down until you had nothing left to give 181 00:08:38.279 --> 00:08:41.039 when you got home. I watched Calb from the darkness, 182 00:08:41.080 --> 00:08:43.080 his shoulder turned toward me as he scrolled his phone, 183 00:08:43.080 --> 00:08:46.000 with the brightness dimblow. I pretended to sleep and let 184 00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:48.720 the distance between us settle like snow over everything we'd built. 185 00:08:49.799 --> 00:08:52.720 A week later, the staff putlock loomed large on our calendar. Tradition, 186 00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:55.240 always noisy and crowded, held in the teacher's lounge with 187 00:08:55.279 --> 00:08:58.480 cropputs and some porsel dragging in a karaoke machine. It 188 00:08:58.600 --> 00:09:00.960 was the kind of event were calub usual thrive, moving 189 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:05.080 between conversations, collecting inside jokes like trophies. But this time 190 00:09:05.240 --> 00:09:07.039 he texted that he'd be late, had to wrap up 191 00:09:07.039 --> 00:09:09.200 the robotics clubs sign ups and asked me to hold 192 00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:11.360 down the fort. I showed up with my tried and 193 00:09:11.399 --> 00:09:14.080 true Bennet charter schook dat, smiling at faces I only 194 00:09:14.120 --> 00:09:17.279 cared for in passing, I navigated, gossip about the new principle, 195 00:09:17.360 --> 00:09:18.879 joked with Muck about the string, and chick in his 196 00:09:18.919 --> 00:09:21.960 contribution I learned, and all the wildcat glancing toward the door. 197 00:09:22.519 --> 00:09:24.960 Calb showed up an hour in, breezing through the doors 198 00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:27.879 with a big, performative smile, then skirted the main crowd entirely, 199 00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:30.480 greeting only a few coworkers before pouring himself a cup 200 00:09:30.519 --> 00:09:32.440 of tea and settling into her chair near the back. 201 00:09:33.159 --> 00:09:35.720 This phone was never out of reach, held in his lap, thumb, 202 00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:39.279 scrolling screen carefully angled away from view. I felt him 203 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:42.360 drifting from our usual orbit, but wasn't sure where he'd landed. 204 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:46.159 That's when I noticed Ms Rivera. She was new second 205 00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:49.120 semester at the school, taught literature. Rumor was she transferred 206 00:09:49.159 --> 00:09:52.639 from a rival district. Younger than me, maybe early thirties, 207 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:55.559 sharply dressed, a bright laugh that carried even when she whispered. 208 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:59.879 She made her way across the land, pausing at our table. Hi, Jennifer, 209 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:01.840 I hear your a trivia queen A. Calob keep saying, 210 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:04.720 uneat up my game. Her eyes flicked toward where Caleb 211 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:07.960 sat when she joined him. I watched the boardy language 212 00:10:08.039 --> 00:10:10.559 or lean in here, a shard smirke there. Calob's posture 213 00:10:10.600 --> 00:10:12.320 open and relaxed in a way I hadn't seen at 214 00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:15.080 home for months. I watched them at distance, the kind 215 00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:18.360 of watching, you pretend is only curiosity. The two exchanged 216 00:10:18.360 --> 00:10:21.440 a series of sidelong glances, spoke in low voices, laughed 217 00:10:21.480 --> 00:10:24.639 at something that didn't include anyone else. It was small, 218 00:10:24.799 --> 00:10:27.360 it was nothing. It was probably just friendly, but anxiety 219 00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:29.879 as a way of magnifying the insignificant into signs from 220 00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:33.080 the universe. A little later, refilling my cap, I heard 221 00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:35.360 a mess with vera murmur something about catching up before 222 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:39.240 the big flow tomorrow. Calob's smile was genuine. He touched 223 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:41.000 her roost in a gesture that would have meant nothing 224 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:44.000 to an outsider, Yet to me it was too intimate 225 00:10:44.039 --> 00:10:46.039 to practice, to something careful and familiar that should have 226 00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:48.240 sat me at ease, but instead made me want to run. 227 00:10:48.720 --> 00:10:51.120 On the drive home. I sat in silence for several blocks, 228 00:10:51.159 --> 00:10:53.840 hands tide on the wheel. Finally, I asked, so, what's 229 00:10:53.919 --> 00:10:55.440 up with the mess? Rivera you ty seemed to be 230 00:10:55.480 --> 00:10:59.440 getting along. Calub looked out the window. Voice flap, she's new, 231 00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:02.120 she struggled, I'm mentoring her Cardwell, ask me you know 232 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:04.519 how it is? That could have been the whole truth. 233 00:11:05.080 --> 00:11:06.960 I let it drop, hating how small and me my 234 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:10.279 question sounded. Later that week, I was tidying up when 235 00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:12.240 I found a crumpled paper in Caleb's work pants to 236 00:11:12.320 --> 00:11:14.240 run on the back of the chair. In expensive restaurant 237 00:11:14.279 --> 00:11:16.279 receipt dated a weeknight he claimed to be stuck at 238 00:11:16.279 --> 00:11:19.240 skull prepping curriculum. He paid for two entrees and a 239 00:11:19.240 --> 00:11:22.559 bottle of mid range wine. His handwriting round looping circled 240 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:24.960 the total. I told myself maybe it was a group 241 00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:27.399 in a teacher gathering, but my stomach taganed at how 242 00:11:27.399 --> 00:11:30.000 easily I wanted it to be true. When Caleb came 243 00:11:30.039 --> 00:11:32.480 home that night, he was extra considerate, offering to order 244 00:11:32.519 --> 00:11:35.120 take out and suggesting we pick a movie together. I 245 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:38.000 found myself treating it as evidence of guilt rather than kindness. 246 00:11:38.679 --> 00:11:40.840 The next day, at skill Leelah, our mutual friend, the 247 00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:42.759 glue in our social group, pulled me aside to chat 248 00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:46.080 between classes. I tried broaching the subject as lightly as 249 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:49.759 I could, asking if she'd noticed calib acting differently. She snorted, 250 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:53.679 everyone's acting different. Gen new principles got the whole place wire. 251 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:57.120 Then without warning, she reached for her coffee, as drifting 252 00:11:57.159 --> 00:12:00.159 away from mine, and veered the conversation into safe territory. 253 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:03.000 Miss Zelensky and her much lamented COMPI who brought the 254 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:06.200 worst karaoke voice to last year staff party. I tried 255 00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:09.600 again softer, but she vaded thhwne out busy fingers. I 256 00:12:09.639 --> 00:12:11.879 couldn't decide if I was being generally steered away or 257 00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:14.559 if Leela genuine wanted to ignore what I increasingly felt 258 00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:18.519 pulsing beneath the surface. The following Thursday, after an exhausting 259 00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:21.600 current conference night, I decided to bring Caleb dinner at school. 260 00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:24.879 His car wasn't in the lot. I wandered through the 261 00:12:24.919 --> 00:12:27.840 near empty halls, his cast room, immaculate, the chairs neatly stacked, 262 00:12:27.879 --> 00:12:30.879 his personal laptop, missing only a mug of coltie on 263 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:33.840 his desk and the faintest trace of cologne. I called. 264 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.080 He answered out of breath, claiming he was helping with 265 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:39.679 the lake club meeting up at the library, but a 266 00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:42.320 home later that night, the laptop he supposedly needed was 267 00:12:42.360 --> 00:12:44.480 on the dining room table, where I'd left it that morning. 268 00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:47.279 Part of me balked at the idea of tracking his movement. 269 00:12:48.039 --> 00:12:49.879 The growing up part, the one who trusted him, who 270 00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:52.720 prized her own privacy, felt sick at the idea. But 271 00:12:52.799 --> 00:12:55.559 the other part, the smaller, more suspicious version of myself, 272 00:12:55.639 --> 00:12:59.519 started cataloging inconsistencies like a detective with too many open cases. 273 00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:03.519 The next weekend brought another red flag. One of Khaled's 274 00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:06.480 closest friends, Dave, celebrated a birthday, an annual excuse to 275 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:10.120 eat pizza in rent bad action movies. Cawoed bailed last minute, 276 00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:13.360 claiming a grading marathon at the library. Before I left, 277 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:15.559 I checked his work back was under our coffee table, 278 00:13:15.639 --> 00:13:18.639 laptop in plain view. I then my confusion had bled 279 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:23.320 into irritation. Every conversation turned evasive or tense. On Sunday, 280 00:13:23.360 --> 00:13:26.480 I overheard more whispers in the staff lounge. This time 281 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.799 I caught the phrase faculty drama just as I walked in. 282 00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:32.639 Then a chorus of silence. I stared straight ahead, fixed 283 00:13:32.679 --> 00:13:36.000 a cup of coffee, and pretended not to notice. On Monday, 284 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:39.240 running through our finances, something I always did midmonth on autopilot, 285 00:13:39.279 --> 00:13:41.519 I noticed a withdrawal from our shared savings account, A 286 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:46.000 few hundred dollars label innocuously Room Haash seventeen. I recognized 287 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:48.399 the hotel name, a butique spot barely six blocks from 288 00:13:48.399 --> 00:13:50.919 the high school, best known for its dication spa deals. 289 00:13:51.399 --> 00:13:54.200 I closed my laptop numb. Was a fur a conference, 290 00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:57.559 a faculty event, maybe paid for a guest speaker, or 291 00:13:57.559 --> 00:14:00.000 helped book rooms for some one in need. I tell 292 00:14:00.200 --> 00:14:02.639 these options over until the explanations became too thin to 293 00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:05.360 hold together. By dinner, I built up the courage to 294 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:07.480 ask about the hotel charge friend as a question about 295 00:14:07.480 --> 00:14:10.720 our budget. Calab didn't blink. Offered a vague story about 296 00:14:10.759 --> 00:14:13.559 covering for a faculty guess who forgot their wallet. He 297 00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:16.960 was gracious, almost offended. I double checked, Do you think 298 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:19.639 I'd really waste money on something like that? I tried 299 00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:22.720 to believe him. Later, I caught myself wondering how I 300 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:26.080 was becoming someone who rummaged for explanations for satisfaction. Rather 301 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:29.159 than warmth. That night, at dinner out, something calib orx 302 00:14:29.159 --> 00:14:31.960 strated almost as an apology. He seemed on edge, nervous 303 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:35.559 even before the appetizers arrived. I tried to stare conversation, 304 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:38.480 asking again about mess Rivera, what she was really like, 305 00:14:38.600 --> 00:14:42.480 if she was settling in? He glared, dropping his fork, Jen, 306 00:14:42.600 --> 00:14:44.240 can we not do this? You keep hopping on the 307 00:14:44.279 --> 00:14:46.360 same thing? Why is it always about her? Don't you 308 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:49.360 trust me? I almost laughed at the hypocrisy, but instead 309 00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:52.279 fell silent. We spent the rest of the meal discussing 310 00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:55.200 safe finalities. Netflix shows a possible road trip the weather 311 00:14:55.279 --> 00:14:58.279 next week. When we got home, he retreated his phone. 312 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:00.799 I wondered if I was making him or if his 313 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:03.360 distance was fuel in mine, but the cycle was unbreakable. 314 00:15:04.600 --> 00:15:06.879 A few days after that fight, Caleb surprised me by 315 00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:10.360 coming home earlyer removed these days. He tested from the train, 316 00:15:10.639 --> 00:15:13.440 said he wanted to take me out. My first instinct 317 00:15:13.480 --> 00:15:15.679 was disbelief. But when I opened the door, he stood 318 00:15:15.679 --> 00:15:17.440 there with the sheepish smile and two tickets to a 319 00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:22.360 favorite neighborhood Italian place. Dinner was easy, familiar, he explained, 320 00:15:22.440 --> 00:15:24.879 and prompted that work had been nearly impossible cult while 321 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:27.799 driving everyone mad. New responsibilities dumped on top of already 322 00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:31.440 impossible expectations. He admitted he'd been asked to mentor MSS 323 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:34.000 for VERA. She's struggling as she's young. Guess Cold Wall 324 00:15:34.039 --> 00:15:36.120 thinks I'm good from mo Raut. That's why the extra hours, 325 00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:39.519 the mysterious dinners, the long texts. He held my hand, 326 00:15:39.639 --> 00:15:43.399 soft but sincere. He apologized for being distant, insisted that 327 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:46.120 things would get better after the semester. There was no 328 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:49.200 hint of irony in his words, Jen, I love you, 329 00:15:49.360 --> 00:15:51.840 I'm sorry. I haven't been myself. Can we reset. Let's 330 00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:54.159 just take a week end, just us, remember Door County 331 00:15:54.440 --> 00:15:57.120 or maybe somewhere new. For the first time in months, 332 00:15:57.159 --> 00:16:00.000 his once felt real. At home, he pulled up photos 333 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:03.840 of our last vacation, smiling faces, arms entwined. We ordered 334 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:07.600 dessert that night in bed. His touch was tentative but real. 335 00:16:08.200 --> 00:16:10.679 I caught myself thinking that Navy I had been catastrophizing 336 00:16:10.679 --> 00:16:13.879 that stress, not betrayal, was all it ever was. We 337 00:16:13.960 --> 00:16:16.000 planned a trip for the following week into Little Bed 338 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:18.840 and Breakfast in Lake Geneva. I let myself hoop for 339 00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:21.840 return to normal back In the next day, I rustled 340 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:23.639 through his backack, the one he brought to school to 341 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:26.919 the library to trivia night. At the bottom, buried beneath 342 00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:29.279 a stack of printed rubrics and granola bar wrappers, I 343 00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:31.879 found a scuff, wine red with delicate fringe, not my 344 00:16:31.960 --> 00:16:34.559 style at all. I lifted it, and a faint trace 345 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:36.879 of unfamiliar perfume drifted up, clean and sharp, with a 346 00:16:36.919 --> 00:16:39.879 musky undertone. As I folded it, a slip of paper 347 00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:42.919 tumbled out. Last night was incredible. You make me brave. 348 00:16:43.639 --> 00:16:45.840 My hand shook, and for a long moment I stared 349 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:48.279 at the words. If they were meant for calib they 350 00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:51.080 must be right. Then this was a truth I couldn't 351 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:53.799 talk away. I stood there in the living room, sunlight 352 00:16:53.840 --> 00:16:56.080 slanting over the rug, and felt the world till beneath 353 00:16:56.120 --> 00:16:58.639 me there was still a version of events, somewhere, in 354 00:16:58.679 --> 00:17:01.039 a pocket of denial, where this was all a misunderstanding, 355 00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:03.879 a prank left in a staff lounge, a gift accidentally swapped. 356 00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:07.000 But the edges of that hope were shedding already. My 357 00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:10.039 heart pounded in my ears. I set the scarf aside, 358 00:17:10.400 --> 00:17:13.720 folded the note. For once, I decided I wouldn't react 359 00:17:13.720 --> 00:17:16.920 on impulse. I would gather more than fragments. I wanted 360 00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:19.359 the truth, whole and ambiguous, even if it broke me. 361 00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:21.880 But as the first of my lusions collapsed around me, 362 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:24.240 I understood I couldn't trust myself to even know what 363 00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:27.640 a warning sign looked like any more. The next day, 364 00:17:27.720 --> 00:17:29.920 I texted Lila under the guise of needing advice about 365 00:17:29.960 --> 00:17:32.920 sub plans. I waited for her to ask for details, 366 00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:35.480 or at least offer one of her warm, supportive check ins, 367 00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:39.119 but her texts came strained. Each replied, alaid her usual 368 00:17:39.160 --> 00:17:43.359 stream of emojis, and gave's absent. I called instead a 369 00:17:43.400 --> 00:17:46.519 few rings, then her voice higher than usual, Hey, jem, 370 00:17:46.559 --> 00:17:49.640 what's up. I could almost hear her checking her surroundings, 371 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:51.920 the shift in tone that signaled she didn't want this call. 372 00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:55.319 I pressed anyway, stammering a vague question about a mess 373 00:17:55.319 --> 00:17:58.960 for Vera and if she'd noticed anything odd lately. Leelah hesitated, 374 00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:01.839 and then her response came quick, slick, Oh God, I 375 00:18:01.880 --> 00:18:05.200 can hardly keep track. Every one's fried this week. I shoot, Den, 376 00:18:05.319 --> 00:18:07.400 can I call you back? Dave just walked in with 377 00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:09.880 Peter and I told him I'd be right up. That's all. 378 00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:12.759 She clicked off, leaving me holding my phone as if 379 00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:14.960 it had more to say. I sat on the edge 380 00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:17.160 of our bed, scarf still in its evidence bag, so 381 00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:21.039 to speak, unresolved. I muled over confronting calap but couldn't 382 00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:23.039 bear the idea of doing it wrong, making an accusation 383 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:24.680 that would allow him to slide out of the trap 384 00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:28.759 by giving a half answer, another glibri assurance. Instead. That night, 385 00:18:28.839 --> 00:18:30.880 as he showed after dinner, I did what I promised 386 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:33.480 myself I never would. I picked up his phone from 387 00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:36.559 the night's into clumsy with nerves thumb finding patterns, already 388 00:18:36.599 --> 00:18:39.839 expecting disappointment, and scrolled his messages under the spray's white noise. 389 00:18:40.519 --> 00:18:42.400 It wasn't instantly damning, the way it would be in 390 00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:45.720 a bad TV procedural. There were messages from friends, parents, 391 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:49.359 to the department. Then, in his conversations with a mess Rivera, 392 00:18:49.480 --> 00:18:51.920 the text took on a new shape, half coated, sprinkled 393 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:54.599 with inside joke's references to escape plans and rainy de 394 00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:58.079 rendezvous akoy room seventeen again and a string of fire emojis. 395 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:02.519 Her last message last night, miss you already your bravest girl. 396 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:05.920 I scrolled father screenshots of schedules lined up close beside 397 00:19:05.960 --> 00:19:08.680 fragments of flirtation, half whispered promises of the next time, 398 00:19:08.759 --> 00:19:11.160 and a short video of someone's hotel slippers kicked under 399 00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:13.960 a bed I didn't recognize. I put the phone down, 400 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:17.759 hand shaking, forced myself to breathe. No deniability left, not 401 00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:21.839