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Speaker 1: Hither kids. It's me. And before we get started on

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Tonight's story.

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Speaker 2: I just want to let you know about Infernal Tramps

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Tales of Weird Terror.

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Speaker 1: By Alex Grass.

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Speaker 2: It's going to be available starting July fifteenth, two thousand

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and twenty six. If you like Tonight's story, Tonight's author,

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Alex Grass, has a book that is going to be releasing.

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It's got some really good praise from beta readers, some

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advanced readers. It is fantastic and if you guys listen

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on for the rest of tonight, you're going to love

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this story just as much.

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Speaker 1: As I do.

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Speaker 2: It will be available on Amazon as well as the

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author's site as well.

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Speaker 1: You can find those in a scription down below.

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Speaker 2: And now onto Tonight's story. There was a man waiting

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for me on my front porch when I got home

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from work. He waved me as I walked up my

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driveway to my house. I had a strange feeling about

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him because he was a strange looking man. There are

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strangers and then there are strange strangers, and there's a

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world of difference between them. That I waved back. Good evening,

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I said, and to you, the man said. His head

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was shaped like an egg. It was almost one third

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taller than the average man's head. Can I help you,

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I said, Let me not be rude, he said. It

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is my pleasure to make your acquaintance in the way

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of comedy and fellowship. I'd like to introduce myself. My

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name is Roger. He held out for a handshake. I

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shook his hand. His fingers were long and cold and bumpy.

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A strange stranger's, strange head and strange hands. Roger, I'm

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Mary Ellen, I said. Let me also not be rude,

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but still be direct. I've had a long day at work.

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Maybe you could come right out and tell me what

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you're doing here and how I can help you. Egg

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headed Roger nodded like I'd said something true and wise.

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I can certainly appreciate that. If there's something that I

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can appreciate, its directness. That's what folks are missing these days,

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directness that along with a direction. I'm a rather direct

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man myself, he said, though in the middle of disproving

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the same, So let me get right to it. He

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bent down and reached into a paper grocery bag, then

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pulled out a carton of eggs. I'm from the Keystone

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Cooperative Growers Association, and I would like to offer you

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these eggs. They're farm fresh and cruelty free, and it

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would be my honor and the honor of my fellow

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growers if you would accept this gift and use these

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eggs to your own delight. He held out the carton.

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I took the eggs. Oh, okay, this is like a

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this is a what is this a carton of eggs?

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Speaker 1: Ma'am.

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Speaker 2: His smile was too wide for his face, and it

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looked like the gesture was hurting him. Yes, I understand

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that part good, He said, Why are you giving out

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free eggs? This is just a service we provide to

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the community. You see, the KCGA, that's our initialism for

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brevity's sake. You understand. The k CGA's position is that

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to enjoy a good egg is to enjoy life.

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Speaker 1: We want the.

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Speaker 2: Whole world to enjoy their lives, which to some degree

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means we want them to enjoy our eggs too. Oh,

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do you know that a god lives inside of eggs?

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Speaker 1: Has that now.

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Speaker 2: The time will come when the God filled eggs will

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feed the sick and the poor until the sick and

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the poor are no more. That time will be the

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time of the egg. Everything unborn will be born, and

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everything dead will be born again. All will fall under

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the judgment of the Many Heads. I stared at him.

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I said it it's just a religious thing. I'm not

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really much of a church, doar.

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Speaker 3: There will be no more faith when the world's flags

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are blooded by the Many Heads the light of the

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sanctific vction.

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Speaker 1: He's kept only inside the egg.

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Speaker 2: I've only ever met one scientologist. Are you you are scientologist? Well,

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as I said, it would make all of us at

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the KCGA just happy as the day is long. If

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you'd only take those eggs and enjoy them for yourself,

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and with that, I will leave you and wish you

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a wonderful rest of your evening. Enjoy your eggs and

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enjoy your life, ma'am, and if you can enjoy both

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at once. He turned and sprinted towards the woods. I

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looked down at my cardon of eggs, thinking of l

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Ron Hubbard. The KCGA man was half a bubble off plumb,

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and I was undecided as far as eating lunatic produce.

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I thought I'd mulled over before frying up the man's eggs,

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but maybe I was being mistrustful. I reminded myself to

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keep in the habit of having faith in people until

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they gave me a reason not to. I woke up

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hungry Saturday morning, still in my pajamas. I maundered downstairs

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with the residue of sleep in my eyes. I looked

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in my refrigerator. There was nothing in there but the

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KCGA eggs. I picked the egg carton up out of

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the refrigerator. I put the eggs on the counter next

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to where the range was built in. I took the

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salted butter from the fridge and lobbed off a dollop

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into the skillet.

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Speaker 1: I clicked the.

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Speaker 2: Gas on the stovetop. The skillet got crackling. I reached

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for one of the eggs. I picked up the first egg,

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nice and cold, from the fridge. I could feel the

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weight of all women yolk inside the shell. When I

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broke open the shell on the edge of the skillet,

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nothing came out. I felt like one of those rubes

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a magician calls on stage just to make fun of

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Nobody likes a trixy egg for breakfast. I picked up

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the next one, holding the haf to a shell full

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of egg. I again split it on the skillet. Not

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but nothing the same as before. There I was starting

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to get miffed. I went through the eleven eggs that way.

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I felt the chicken embryo was slashing around inside every shell. Hell,

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I know what a full egg feels like. I cracked

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almost all of them open empty, down to a one.

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One egg was left in for a penny and for

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a pound. I picked up what I expected to be

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the last empty egg. Except when I cracked this one,

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something came out.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't the yoke.

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Speaker 2: An egg shaped human head plopped skittering into the skillet.

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It had two sets of three little legs, a set

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coming out of each side of the head. I screeched

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and whether the spidery little head hit the skillet and

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started sizzling. It started screeching too. I took the spatula

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and flipped the thing onto the counter. It moved its

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spinly little legs in purposeless panic, cried like how a

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baby cries. A tiny little egg shaped critter half fried

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on my kitchen counter. I turned off the burner. I

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had no idea what to do next. The six legged

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head made a wheezing sound, followed by a noise like

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air being led out of a bicycle tire, and then.

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Speaker 1: It was dead.

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Speaker 2: I did not shower, or brush my teeth, or put

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real clothes on, or do any of the things I'd

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earlier planned to do. I poured myself three fingers of whiskey,

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grabbed the pack of cigarettes i'd swore off two months ago,

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and parked my ass on my front porch stoop. I

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sat there until I'd finished my whisky and smoked a

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half dozen parliaments. I tucked my old fashioned glass behind

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my dairy air. When the early risers passed by on

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their morning stroll, the neighbors who stopped and said they

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thought I'd quit smoking, I made a gesture of hey,

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what can you do? I had some liquid courage to

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fortify me, so I re entered my house and went

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back in my kitchen. The six legged head was gone,

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but there was another egg in its place. This one

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was about the size of a grapefruit. I figured on

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driving down the state road to my friend Dustin's. His

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daddy was a poultry man, so Dustin knew lots about

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chickens and lots about eggs. I'd loved talking about both

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so much so that I had previously found him duller

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than watching paint dry, but it's not like I ever

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told him. I put the big egg in a little

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grocery bag and hung it on the wall hook while

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I got ready to see dustin. By the time I

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was clean and dressed, there was someone knocking on my door.

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I went downstairs and opened it to find my old

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high school boyfriend, Danny. Denny smiled, I smiled back him.

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Mary Ellen, Danny, how's tricks? Well, you know, I'm in

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town to visit my brother and my new niece. He

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had a girl this time. Oh, how is good, old

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early Bird, I said. We used to call Danny's baby

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brother early Bird Earl, because he was a known fuss

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budget who'd rather lose a limb than show up at

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church or school any less than fifteen minutes.

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Speaker 1: Early.

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Speaker 2: His mother used to say that Earl would make sure

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to be dead and resurrected twice before anyone else knew

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that the rapture had started. He's being more boring than

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watching grass grow, say, I was wondering if you I'll

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get my purse. This was a semi regular thing. When

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Danny came back to town, we went out corrossing. After trolling

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road houses, we returned to my place to as I've

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heard it, put netflix and chill. I went out the door.

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Not a minute later. The grapefruit sized eggs still hung

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on my wall hook, momentarily forgotten. Through the call of

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my lust. My friend Jackie he dropped us back off

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at home. Three sheets to the wind, two blitz to

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steer the ship, but too old to be stupid enough

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to drunk drive either. Some call that wisdom. Me and

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Danny stood under the fading yellow porch lights as the

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projected the shadows of monts aerial maneuvers. Danny kept grabbing

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at me, not in a bad way. I needed to

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concentrate because the lock kept moving away from my key,

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and then on I you know, I like. I turned

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around and held my fingers up to my lips, trying

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not to laugh.

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Speaker 1: I got neighbors.

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Speaker 2: They're late when it sleeped, I mean, Danny, he hey, Danny,

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what do I mean you mean they're sleeping when you?

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Danny stumbled back into my wind chime and made a

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jangle shit that started laughing hysterically. Through catching my breath,

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I managed to tell Danny that I thought my neighbors

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probably shat during daylight hours too. He didn't get it.

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To be fair, I'm not sure it was a joke.

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I got the key in the lock and opened the door.

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Danny grabbed my wrist and stopped me from walking in.

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Old On, No, lady, it's late at night and the

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light's not bright. Let me check your homestead, he said, then.

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Speaker 1: Waggled his eyebrows.

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Speaker 2: I laughed and held one arm towards the door, like

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a girl presenting a game show prize.

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Speaker 1: My hero, you're chivalrous. Is shit?

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Speaker 2: Danny walked inside. A few steps in he abruptly stopped.

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I heard a gurgling sound, then a croaking sound, like

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when you're in really bad pain but don't have the

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wind to cry out. Danny just stood there, spasmodically shaking, Danny,

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what are you doing? I reached inside and to the

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left of him, and switched on to the vestibule light.

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I saw why Danny was sucked still and gurgling. Two

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foot and a half long barbs punctured his neck and

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the side of his head at his temple, respectively. There

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came a thick, quick slushing sound as the barb slickly

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slid out of his throat and skull Danny convulse. As

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he hit the floor. I stared, unable to move. A

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half dozen legs, each like a seven foot long bendable stilt,

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carried forward a massive head the sides of a yoga ball.

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My adrenal glands secreted enough to quickly boot me off

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my drunk. I put together the sequence in my head.

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The first egg gave birth to the first tiny head

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with legs. The first tiny head with legs gave birth

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to the bigger egg. The bigger egg gave birth to this.

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The barb snapped back into the egg shaped head's mouth.

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The thing six legs locomotive like a basketball hoop high

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spider crabs. Its height was all long limbs. I screamed.

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I turned to run. It snared me in one of

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its crustacean spindles. The appendage was no thicker than a

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garden hose, but the kinetic strength of the other five

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legs produced an unimpedable force. As the six legged head

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flung me like a rag doll across my living room,

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I hit headfirst into a wall. Everything went black. I

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woke up in the corner of my living room. The

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six legged head was much bigger than before. A probuscus,

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like a livid blood red bamboo shoot, extended for the

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middle of its forehead down to the ground where it

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had punctured Danny's body. Through the top of his skull.

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I heard slurping and sucking noises over a sound like

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a wet, dry shop back. As it sucked out Danny's

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brains and guts, the six legged head metamorphosed. Bulbs of

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flesh molded on its face, bones broke and reset to

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altered curvatures. It was a nightmare clamation a freakish rob

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Botton practical effect. Its face was turning into Danny's. By

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the time it slurped up all of Danny's insides, the

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egg's face had completely changed into his. It's probuscus shucked

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itself free of the swollen puncture in Danny's skull. My

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date's dead body was shrunken, drained of its every wet drop.

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The six legged had noticed me as if I'd only

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just appeared. It approached my corner and the gate of

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a mutated hexapod. Once beside me, it looked down. I

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looked and saw the top of its head almost touching

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the ceiling tiles.

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Speaker 1: I from case.

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Speaker 2: The six legged had spoken Danny's voice. I started crying,

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neighborly giving eggs, You happiness with eggs, You love eggs.

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I covered my mouth to blunt, hiccupping sobs, trying not

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to make noise. It was right there, God, that thing

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was right there. And Danny's voice, I I my voice

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coming from my body startled me. I was floored. Had

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the six legged head penetrated my flesh? Had it infected

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my brain? Was I a host dreaming my parasite's dream?

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It chattered and got louder. Under Danny's voice was a noisy,

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burbling sludge, like food through a gassy gut. You are

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happiness inside eggs, are neighboring happy.

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Speaker 1: Eggs?

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Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, yes, I'm very happy with the eggs. I managed,

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will bearing down on my weeping. The six legged head

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seemed to think this over for a minute. It spoke,

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egg is community, Eggs is neighbors and neighborly.

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Speaker 1: A is friendly and our good ning. You will buy more?

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Speaker 2: A yeah, yeah, I'll buy more eggs, I swear. I

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looked around for my purse. Did I have cash? Is

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that what it wanted? I could go to the oh oh,

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I thought of something. I have to go to the

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bank to get money to pay you, I said. The

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six legged head was processing this, and it worked out

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my proposal. It spoke its thoughts aloud, Bank our money,

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money are giving case CGA k CG A god of people's.

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Speaker 1: Egg is case CGA. Money is going.

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Speaker 2: To four egg eggs, eggs egg exchange, I said. The

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sixth leged had blue dumb force laughter at its mouth,

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like a grade schooler go falling at a joke about

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political economy. Its laughter stopped suddenly enough to almost be violent.

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Speaker 4: Eggs are money exchange. Eggs is money. Our money is

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case CGA. Money is good of people's. It leaned over

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me with a stupid but penetrating gaze. Bank are where

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I pointed towards the door in town. Money are bank.

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I nodded, yes, the money is in the bank. It

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bent one of its spidery legs and scratched the necklace

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underside of its head body. I don't know if it

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was thinking or having a gesture that it had seen

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a thinking creature.

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Speaker 2: Make you go bank. It said, yeah, I go bank.

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It scattered backward a few steps and opened a clear

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path towards the front door, then turned to look back

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at me.

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Speaker 5: Eggs is money and r KCGA, God of all people,

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you are going to bank.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know what he wanted me to do. I

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didn't move.

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Speaker 2: Go, they had said with much more loudness and force.

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I didn't need any more prompting than that. I got

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to my feet, careful to make no sudden movements. I

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tiptoed past the six legged head with as wide a

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birth as I could give. As soon as I was

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at my door, I ran. When I came back with

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the police, there was no evidence any of the things

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I claimed that happened had actually happened. There was no

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blood on my living room carpet, no six legged head,

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no egg carton on the trash from the KCGA, no

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Danny's body, nothing, all of it gone. I was warned

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that I needed to cut back on the sauce. Ems

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came and checked me out, asked me how many quarters

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make up a dollar and who the president was. They

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said that I might have been sauced, but it was

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still plenty lucid. One of the e mts nodded his

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head at any sideways while talking to one of the cops.

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The cop came over and asked me a bunch of questions.

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They were all round about secondary queries. What he was

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really asking was are you now or have you ever

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been a drunken lunatic spinster. The cop decided the answer

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was probably yes. I sought psychological counseling. You tend not

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to believe your own eyes. When something happens like what

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I precedentingly described, I thought it couldn't hurt. After a

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week or so, I got a call from Earle asking

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if i'd seen Danny. I told him we'd gone out.

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I told him that I told the cops too, and

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I left.

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Speaker 1: It at that.

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Speaker 2: When Earl sees me in the grocery store now he

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gets a look on his face like he's smelling shit.

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Then he turns and he walks the other way. I

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wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to kill me. A

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month later, there was a carton of eggs waiting in

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my doorstep when I got home from work. There was

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a note tied to the carton, nodded to it with twine,

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enjoying the latest batch. Please remit payment at your convenience.

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Your friends at the KC. G.

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Speaker 1: Hey Hey they're kids.

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Speaker 2: It's me, mister Kreeppasta, and before we say goodnight, I

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just wanted to say thank you so much for watching

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tonight's video or for listening to tonight's episode or the podcast.

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As always, I want to give a very big thank

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you to everybody who supports me on Patreon Patreon dot

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00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:55,319
com slash mister Kreepasta.

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Speaker 1: That is the main place you guys are able to

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00:21:58,279 --> 00:21:58,799
support me.

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Speaker 2: If you guys want to be able to report me,

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which you absolutely don't have to do, but hey, thank

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00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:08,359
you for you know, doing that. If that's something that

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00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,839
you do, and if it's not something that you do, hey,

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00:22:11,319 --> 00:22:16,119
please help me. In all seriousness, I really appreciate it

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if you guys could be able to help me out,

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if you guys are able to give anything even one

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00:22:19,599 --> 00:22:23,200
dollar a month, and especially if you guys like you

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00:22:23,319 --> 00:22:26,599
can become one of these wonderful people whose names I mispronounced,

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people such as Diana Kraus Asset System, Benjamin two thousand

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and three, Blake Bratler, Bottle cooland Brandon Mendoza, Caltuna, Cory

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x Kensi, The codea Best, Daniel Polson, John taking Kay,

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Enchanted Buns Eric Anthony Carusso has to be in fifteen

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Squirrels in a trench Coat, Kalaxy Gremlin, his nephew, Himo,

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Jerry Hour Minute, Second Time, Jay Kearnes, Jed's Pet, lu Cipher,

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Nick mc flant, piss Red, Shadow Cat, Remember the Sun,

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Salty's Prize, So Marilyn Scary Stories, Fuel Me thirty two

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Seclude Simps, Bloody Mojo Sky, Harper Smiley, the Psychotic sully Man,

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Holly Sue, Team Leo seventy six, The Chab His Brothers,

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The Ginger Brows, Tommy Walters, Vice, Roy Scorn, William Wellington,

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X WEEPERT sixty nine x X, Lucky Cat xx, Zibol,

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Shadow Gardens and Peaceful Pudhah. All these really great guys,

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00:22:59,519 --> 00:23:01,160
as well as as all the folks you see in

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00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,519
the description down below, or everybody that you see scrolling

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00:23:03,559 --> 00:23:05,519
across the screen. Hey, I want to say thank you

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so much for supporting me, thank you all so much

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00:23:08,079 --> 00:23:11,319
for being here, and as always, sweet dreams.