Speaker 1: Hither kids. It's me. And before we get started on
Tonight's story.
Speaker 2: I just want to let you know about Infernal Tramps
Tales of Weird Terror.
Speaker 1: By Alex Grass.
Speaker 2: It's going to be available starting July fifteenth, two thousand
and twenty six. If you like Tonight's story, Tonight's author,
Alex Grass, has a book that is going to be releasing.
It's got some really good praise from beta readers, some
advanced readers. It is fantastic and if you guys listen
on for the rest of tonight, you're going to love
this story just as much.
Speaker 1: As I do.
Speaker 2: It will be available on Amazon as well as the
author's site as well.
Speaker 1: You can find those in a scription down below.
Speaker 2: And now onto Tonight's story. There was a man waiting
for me on my front porch when I got home
from work. He waved me as I walked up my
driveway to my house. I had a strange feeling about
him because he was a strange looking man. There are
strangers and then there are strange strangers, and there's a
world of difference between them. That I waved back. Good evening,
I said, and to you, the man said. His head
was shaped like an egg. It was almost one third
taller than the average man's head. Can I help you,
I said, Let me not be rude, he said. It
is my pleasure to make your acquaintance in the way
of comedy and fellowship. I'd like to introduce myself. My
name is Roger. He held out for a handshake. I
shook his hand. His fingers were long and cold and bumpy.
A strange stranger's, strange head and strange hands. Roger, I'm
Mary Ellen, I said. Let me also not be rude,
but still be direct. I've had a long day at work.
Maybe you could come right out and tell me what
you're doing here and how I can help you. Egg
headed Roger nodded like I'd said something true and wise.
I can certainly appreciate that. If there's something that I
can appreciate, its directness. That's what folks are missing these days,
directness that along with a direction. I'm a rather direct
man myself, he said, though in the middle of disproving
the same, So let me get right to it. He
bent down and reached into a paper grocery bag, then
pulled out a carton of eggs. I'm from the Keystone
Cooperative Growers Association, and I would like to offer you
these eggs. They're farm fresh and cruelty free, and it
would be my honor and the honor of my fellow
growers if you would accept this gift and use these
eggs to your own delight. He held out the carton.
I took the eggs. Oh, okay, this is like a
this is a what is this a carton of eggs?
Speaker 1: Ma'am.
Speaker 2: His smile was too wide for his face, and it
looked like the gesture was hurting him. Yes, I understand
that part good, He said, Why are you giving out
free eggs? This is just a service we provide to
the community. You see, the KCGA, that's our initialism for
brevity's sake. You understand. The k CGA's position is that
to enjoy a good egg is to enjoy life.
Speaker 1: We want the.
Speaker 2: Whole world to enjoy their lives, which to some degree
means we want them to enjoy our eggs too. Oh,
do you know that a god lives inside of eggs?
Speaker 1: Has that now.
Speaker 2: The time will come when the God filled eggs will
feed the sick and the poor until the sick and
the poor are no more. That time will be the
time of the egg. Everything unborn will be born, and
everything dead will be born again. All will fall under
the judgment of the Many Heads. I stared at him.
I said it it's just a religious thing. I'm not
really much of a church, doar.
Speaker 3: There will be no more faith when the world's flags
are blooded by the Many Heads the light of the
sanctific vction.
Speaker 1: He's kept only inside the egg.
Speaker 2: I've only ever met one scientologist. Are you you are scientologist? Well,
as I said, it would make all of us at
the KCGA just happy as the day is long. If
you'd only take those eggs and enjoy them for yourself,
and with that, I will leave you and wish you
a wonderful rest of your evening. Enjoy your eggs and
enjoy your life, ma'am, and if you can enjoy both
at once. He turned and sprinted towards the woods. I
looked down at my cardon of eggs, thinking of l
Ron Hubbard. The KCGA man was half a bubble off plumb,
and I was undecided as far as eating lunatic produce.
I thought I'd mulled over before frying up the man's eggs,
but maybe I was being mistrustful. I reminded myself to
keep in the habit of having faith in people until
they gave me a reason not to. I woke up
hungry Saturday morning, still in my pajamas. I maundered downstairs
with the residue of sleep in my eyes. I looked
in my refrigerator. There was nothing in there but the
KCGA eggs. I picked the egg carton up out of
the refrigerator. I put the eggs on the counter next
to where the range was built in. I took the
salted butter from the fridge and lobbed off a dollop
into the skillet.
Speaker 1: I clicked the.
Speaker 2: Gas on the stovetop. The skillet got crackling. I reached
for one of the eggs. I picked up the first egg,
nice and cold, from the fridge. I could feel the
weight of all women yolk inside the shell. When I
broke open the shell on the edge of the skillet,
nothing came out. I felt like one of those rubes
a magician calls on stage just to make fun of
Nobody likes a trixy egg for breakfast. I picked up
the next one, holding the haf to a shell full
of egg. I again split it on the skillet. Not
but nothing the same as before. There I was starting
to get miffed. I went through the eleven eggs that way.
I felt the chicken embryo was slashing around inside every shell. Hell,
I know what a full egg feels like. I cracked
almost all of them open empty, down to a one.
One egg was left in for a penny and for
a pound. I picked up what I expected to be
the last empty egg. Except when I cracked this one,
something came out.
Speaker 1: It wasn't the yoke.
Speaker 2: An egg shaped human head plopped skittering into the skillet.
It had two sets of three little legs, a set
coming out of each side of the head. I screeched
and whether the spidery little head hit the skillet and
started sizzling. It started screeching too. I took the spatula
and flipped the thing onto the counter. It moved its
spinly little legs in purposeless panic, cried like how a
baby cries. A tiny little egg shaped critter half fried
on my kitchen counter. I turned off the burner. I
had no idea what to do next. The six legged
head made a wheezing sound, followed by a noise like
air being led out of a bicycle tire, and then.
Speaker 1: It was dead.
Speaker 2: I did not shower, or brush my teeth, or put
real clothes on, or do any of the things I'd
earlier planned to do. I poured myself three fingers of whiskey,
grabbed the pack of cigarettes i'd swore off two months ago,
and parked my ass on my front porch stoop. I
sat there until I'd finished my whisky and smoked a
half dozen parliaments. I tucked my old fashioned glass behind
my dairy air. When the early risers passed by on
their morning stroll, the neighbors who stopped and said they
thought I'd quit smoking, I made a gesture of hey,
what can you do? I had some liquid courage to
fortify me, so I re entered my house and went
back in my kitchen. The six legged head was gone,
but there was another egg in its place. This one
was about the size of a grapefruit. I figured on
driving down the state road to my friend Dustin's. His
daddy was a poultry man, so Dustin knew lots about
chickens and lots about eggs. I'd loved talking about both
so much so that I had previously found him duller
than watching paint dry, but it's not like I ever
told him. I put the big egg in a little
grocery bag and hung it on the wall hook while
I got ready to see dustin. By the time I
was clean and dressed, there was someone knocking on my door.
I went downstairs and opened it to find my old
high school boyfriend, Danny. Denny smiled, I smiled back him.
Mary Ellen, Danny, how's tricks? Well, you know, I'm in
town to visit my brother and my new niece. He
had a girl this time. Oh, how is good, old
early Bird, I said. We used to call Danny's baby
brother early Bird Earl, because he was a known fuss
budget who'd rather lose a limb than show up at
church or school any less than fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1: Early.
Speaker 2: His mother used to say that Earl would make sure
to be dead and resurrected twice before anyone else knew
that the rapture had started. He's being more boring than
watching grass grow, say, I was wondering if you I'll
get my purse. This was a semi regular thing. When
Danny came back to town, we went out corrossing. After trolling
road houses, we returned to my place to as I've
heard it, put netflix and chill. I went out the door.
Not a minute later. The grapefruit sized eggs still hung
on my wall hook, momentarily forgotten. Through the call of
my lust. My friend Jackie he dropped us back off
at home. Three sheets to the wind, two blitz to
steer the ship, but too old to be stupid enough
to drunk drive either. Some call that wisdom. Me and
Danny stood under the fading yellow porch lights as the
projected the shadows of monts aerial maneuvers. Danny kept grabbing
at me, not in a bad way. I needed to
concentrate because the lock kept moving away from my key,
and then on I you know, I like. I turned
around and held my fingers up to my lips, trying
not to laugh.
Speaker 1: I got neighbors.
Speaker 2: They're late when it sleeped, I mean, Danny, he hey, Danny,
what do I mean you mean they're sleeping when you?
Danny stumbled back into my wind chime and made a
jangle shit that started laughing hysterically. Through catching my breath,
I managed to tell Danny that I thought my neighbors
probably shat during daylight hours too. He didn't get it.
To be fair, I'm not sure it was a joke.
I got the key in the lock and opened the door.
Danny grabbed my wrist and stopped me from walking in.
Old On, No, lady, it's late at night and the
light's not bright. Let me check your homestead, he said, then.
Speaker 1: Waggled his eyebrows.
Speaker 2: I laughed and held one arm towards the door, like
a girl presenting a game show prize.
Speaker 1: My hero, you're chivalrous. Is shit?
Speaker 2: Danny walked inside. A few steps in he abruptly stopped.
I heard a gurgling sound, then a croaking sound, like
when you're in really bad pain but don't have the
wind to cry out. Danny just stood there, spasmodically shaking, Danny,
what are you doing? I reached inside and to the
left of him, and switched on to the vestibule light.
I saw why Danny was sucked still and gurgling. Two
foot and a half long barbs punctured his neck and
the side of his head at his temple, respectively. There
came a thick, quick slushing sound as the barb slickly
slid out of his throat and skull Danny convulse. As
he hit the floor. I stared, unable to move. A
half dozen legs, each like a seven foot long bendable stilt,
carried forward a massive head the sides of a yoga ball.
My adrenal glands secreted enough to quickly boot me off
my drunk. I put together the sequence in my head.
The first egg gave birth to the first tiny head
with legs. The first tiny head with legs gave birth
to the bigger egg. The bigger egg gave birth to this.
The barb snapped back into the egg shaped head's mouth.
The thing six legs locomotive like a basketball hoop high
spider crabs. Its height was all long limbs. I screamed.
I turned to run. It snared me in one of
its crustacean spindles. The appendage was no thicker than a
garden hose, but the kinetic strength of the other five
legs produced an unimpedable force. As the six legged head
flung me like a rag doll across my living room,
I hit headfirst into a wall. Everything went black. I
woke up in the corner of my living room. The
six legged head was much bigger than before. A probuscus,
like a livid blood red bamboo shoot, extended for the
middle of its forehead down to the ground where it
had punctured Danny's body. Through the top of his skull.
I heard slurping and sucking noises over a sound like
a wet, dry shop back. As it sucked out Danny's
brains and guts, the six legged head metamorphosed. Bulbs of
flesh molded on its face, bones broke and reset to
altered curvatures. It was a nightmare clamation a freakish rob
Botton practical effect. Its face was turning into Danny's. By
the time it slurped up all of Danny's insides, the
egg's face had completely changed into his. It's probuscus shucked
itself free of the swollen puncture in Danny's skull. My
date's dead body was shrunken, drained of its every wet drop.
The six legged had noticed me as if I'd only
just appeared. It approached my corner and the gate of
a mutated hexapod. Once beside me, it looked down. I
looked and saw the top of its head almost touching
the ceiling tiles.
Speaker 1: I from case.
Speaker 2: The six legged had spoken Danny's voice. I started crying,
neighborly giving eggs, You happiness with eggs, You love eggs.
I covered my mouth to blunt, hiccupping sobs, trying not
to make noise. It was right there, God, that thing
was right there. And Danny's voice, I I my voice
coming from my body startled me. I was floored. Had
the six legged head penetrated my flesh? Had it infected
my brain? Was I a host dreaming my parasite's dream?
It chattered and got louder. Under Danny's voice was a noisy,
burbling sludge, like food through a gassy gut. You are
happiness inside eggs, are neighboring happy.
Speaker 1: Eggs?
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, yes, I'm very happy with the eggs. I managed,
will bearing down on my weeping. The six legged head
seemed to think this over for a minute. It spoke,
egg is community, Eggs is neighbors and neighborly.
Speaker 1: A is friendly and our good ning. You will buy more?
Speaker 2: A yeah, yeah, I'll buy more eggs, I swear. I
looked around for my purse. Did I have cash? Is
that what it wanted? I could go to the oh oh,
I thought of something. I have to go to the
bank to get money to pay you, I said. The
six legged head was processing this, and it worked out
my proposal. It spoke its thoughts aloud, Bank our money,
money are giving case CGA k CG A god of people's.
Speaker 1: Egg is case CGA. Money is going.
Speaker 2: To four egg eggs, eggs egg exchange, I said. The
sixth leged had blue dumb force laughter at its mouth,
like a grade schooler go falling at a joke about
political economy. Its laughter stopped suddenly enough to almost be violent.
Speaker 4: Eggs are money exchange. Eggs is money. Our money is
case CGA. Money is good of people's. It leaned over
me with a stupid but penetrating gaze. Bank are where
I pointed towards the door in town. Money are bank.
I nodded, yes, the money is in the bank. It
bent one of its spidery legs and scratched the necklace
underside of its head body. I don't know if it
was thinking or having a gesture that it had seen
a thinking creature.
Speaker 2: Make you go bank. It said, yeah, I go bank.
It scattered backward a few steps and opened a clear
path towards the front door, then turned to look back
at me.
Speaker 5: Eggs is money and r KCGA, God of all people,
you are going to bank.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what he wanted me to do. I
didn't move.
Speaker 2: Go, they had said with much more loudness and force.
I didn't need any more prompting than that. I got
to my feet, careful to make no sudden movements. I
tiptoed past the six legged head with as wide a
birth as I could give. As soon as I was
at my door, I ran. When I came back with
the police, there was no evidence any of the things
I claimed that happened had actually happened. There was no
blood on my living room carpet, no six legged head,
no egg carton on the trash from the KCGA, no
Danny's body, nothing, all of it gone. I was warned
that I needed to cut back on the sauce. Ems
came and checked me out, asked me how many quarters
make up a dollar and who the president was. They
said that I might have been sauced, but it was
still plenty lucid. One of the e mts nodded his
head at any sideways while talking to one of the cops.
The cop came over and asked me a bunch of questions.
They were all round about secondary queries. What he was
really asking was are you now or have you ever
been a drunken lunatic spinster. The cop decided the answer
was probably yes. I sought psychological counseling. You tend not
to believe your own eyes. When something happens like what
I precedentingly described, I thought it couldn't hurt. After a
week or so, I got a call from Earle asking
if i'd seen Danny. I told him we'd gone out.
I told him that I told the cops too, and
I left.
Speaker 1: It at that.
Speaker 2: When Earl sees me in the grocery store now he
gets a look on his face like he's smelling shit.
Then he turns and he walks the other way. I
wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to kill me. A
month later, there was a carton of eggs waiting in
my doorstep when I got home from work. There was
a note tied to the carton, nodded to it with twine,
enjoying the latest batch. Please remit payment at your convenience.
Your friends at the KC. G.
Speaker 1: Hey Hey they're kids.
Speaker 2: It's me, mister Kreeppasta, and before we say goodnight, I
just wanted to say thank you so much for watching
tonight's video or for listening to tonight's episode or the podcast.
As always, I want to give a very big thank
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