Speaker 1: Oh Kidoki, welcome back, besties. It's me. This is officially
my last episode in LA, my last episode with Mike.
Speaker 2: Not ever.
Speaker 1: Maybe, well, I'm gonna have to fly you down to
Palm Beach. I'm gonna have to retire you put your ways. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Maybe's gonna tell you how to turn on a camera.
Yeah that's true, through a computer saying now hit this,
now hit this is everything good?
Speaker 1: Okay, you'll be there. Yeah. Yeah, I'm feeling all the
fields and we'll get into that in a second. I
do have some dates on the road that I want
to tell you guys about. I have my little European
dates where I'm doing London on March twentieth, and then
Berlin March twenty first, Amsterdam March twenty seconds. So if
you're across the pond, come hang out with me. All
of my tickets around Britney Schmidt dot com. And then
I'm going to be on the road featuring for Grina Greenberg,
so check out her tour schedule. I'm going to be
pretty much on all the dates except for the Texas
States and then also not San Diego or Los Angeles,
I don't think, so go get tickets on my website
Brittany Schmidt dot com and I would love to see
you guys on the road with that. Yeah, I'm I'm
I'm moving, baby, girls moving. And I feel like this
is one of the most substantial. It is probably the
biggest move I've ever done in my life, you know,
and it's with such a different mindset because when I
moved out to LA, you know, I was fresh out
of college. I was living on a prayer. I had
sixteen hundred dollars and a Ford tourists and two suitcases
and I'm at computer and that's all I had. And
I drove across the country in tornadoes. I remember there
was like a ton of tornadic activity in the Midwest.
And at one point I had to it was pouring
so hard. I had to like follow a semi because
otherwise the car was blowing all over the road. And
I just had like such grit and determination to get here,
because like, my only dream in life was to live
in La that was it. I never wanted to be
a comedian. Podcasting didn't even exist. I had no idea
what I was going to do out here. I mean,
I had an internship at Zambizy, which was I got
so lucky with that internship, you know. I it was
Kobe Bryant's at agency, and he helped me get an
internship there, and I built the best community at Zambezy.
Like I look back at my time in LA and
I just feel so fortunate for that chapter. Zambizy to
me felt a lot like like college again. You know,
it was a really small group of people. There were
seventeen of us working in advertising. I had no idea
what I was doing, but what I lacked in skill
I made up for in confidence. I showed up by
first day of work in like booty shorts, like short
shorts and a crop top, and I was like, what's up, sluts,
I'm here. And at the time I had one friend
in LA. His name was Mike, and he had a dispensary.
And so when I came to LA, he got me
as like a welcome to La gift, an ounce of weed.
And I at the time, like I said, I moved
out here. I had nothing but a car. So I
found some guy on Craigslist that I was living with.
He was like really seedy and weird and like hanging
out with what seemed like underage girls. And so I
didn't trust my stuff in his house. Not like I
had anything valuable, but I didn't want to have like
an ounce of weed in his house. So I brought
it to work. My first day of work, I brought
an ounce of weed to work. And we had a
small office. There was only like eight of us in
this office. So like the way the office was split
up was creative was on one side, an account was
on another side, and it was an advertising agency if
I didn't mention that already, but all the creatives were
in what we called the reef, which was like this
little part of it where there's eight of us. I
mean when I say that weed stunk up the whole building,
they were like, is the intern also a drug dealer?
And someone finally said something to me. They're like, hey,
you pack and wait, and I was like, oh my god,
I'm so glad you asked this guy gave you all
this sweet I don't know what to do with it,
and I I, do you guys want some?
Speaker 2: So then I just that's your only move you can do.
At that point. I brought it for you guys because
I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was like, do you guys want some and
they're like yeah, then you know, And there's like all
these rumblings like the intern and fucking booty shorts and
hasn't out so weed Like. It was just like I
had no idea what I was doing, but I went
full steam into that bitch and it was so interesting.
It was like baptism by fire. I yes, I went
to marketing classes when I was at Marquette, but I
had no idea how to actually do advertising. And I
remember like the first day on the job, I went
to like present a project. I didn't know what the
fuck I was doing. They're like, do this whatever some
I don't even remember what it was. It was some
sort of copy for Champ Sports. It was one of
our clients, and I like went and presented like with
my whole chest. I was like, this is the best
idea ever. And the creative director threw his pen down
and he's like, this is why women don't belong in advertising,
and I was like, oh, what the fuck did you
just say to me?
Speaker 2: Hell yeahper days?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it really was. I mean, I again feel
so fortunate to have witnessed the end of advertising as
like the glory days, like we fucking partied and had
the best time and everyone was friends and hooking up,
and you know, it was it was a lot of fun.
Zambezi is where I met Chris. That's where I met
my first husband, you know, I was. I went there
as an intern copywriter, and then when they didn't have
room to bring me on full time and a creative capacity,
they transitioned me over to creative recruitment. And so I
recruited Chris and you know, setting the power dynamic early,
like throughout our whole marriage we had hr SCHECKND. So
I'm just kidding performance reviews. I yeah, I met him,
and you know, we became really good friends, and he
was married to someone else at the time, and he
was like a really good husband, which was infuriating and hot.
You know, he just was like, she's the best I
think the world ever, even thought she wasn't the best.
That's what he did to me too though. When we
were married. He's like, she's the best, and everyone else
is like she is not the best. You know. I
recently one of his other friends got divorced and I
was talking to Chris and I was like, oh god,
I'm so glad they got divorced. He was way too
cool for her. She was such a cut and it
was like he was just quiet. And I'm like, I know,
I know people said that about us when we got divorced, too,
but yeah, I mean, I had this big career in advertising.
Oh I'm skipping over the fact that, like I moved
here in May of twenty eleven, and I in December
of twenty eleven, was supposed to go home for Christmas
and I couldn't afford a flight home. They were like
seven hundred I didn't have seven hundred bucks. I was
making eight dollars an hour at my internship. I was
also bartending at townhouse in Venice Beach. I had to
work two jobs to make ends meet, and they still
didn't meet, and I went so I couldn't fly home
to Wisconsin for Christmas. So I went to go see
my friend in Phoenix because her brother was playing a
bowl game, or in Scottsdale. I'm sorry whatever, Tomato Potato,
and her brother was playing a bowl game, and I
was like, I'll go there. The flight's like sixty bucks.
But at this point in my life, I would say
my alcoholism is peaking, and so I get this sixty
dollars round trip flight to Scottsdale. I go to the airport.
I get so drunk that I miss my flight, and
then I had to rebook the flight, and then rebooking
the flight was like an additional three hundred dollars. So
at this point I should have just flown to Wisconsin.
I arrived in Scottsdale hammered, so drunk. I go to
her place, I take a nap, I wake up, We
go out, we go drinking, We drink. You remember those
fish bowls, like, I don't. I don't know if those
are still a thing.
Speaker 2: Did you have you ever had a fi?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I think fishbowls did die off at some point.
Speaker 2: Oh they're still in the South, which is not here
in La. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean they're pretty pretty much like alcohol and sugar.
It's like a diabetes cocktail. But I had a fish
bowl margarita, which is good, just to I've never seen one.
Just imagine a fish bowl and then fill it with
margarita and put one straw in it. That's what I drank.
I had a fish bowl margarita, and then we drove
to the next bar. And then when we were at
the next bar, I think I took like six shots
of jameson I the way I used to drink. I'm
not bragging about it. It's alarming. Like when I bartended
in college and was a cocktail we dress. I would
take like twenty six shots of Jamison at night and
be fine to drive. I'm just kidding. I was a
great drunk driver. But no, I So we get to
the next bar, we take all these Jamison shots. At
that point, my friend who I was visiting, Paige, her
friend had came to meet up with us, and we
or leaving Page like stumbled and dropped the keys and
I picked them up, and the friend was like, Paige,
you can't drive the d u I laws here are crazy,
like if you get a duy, you go to jail
for a super long time, dead to day. I was like,
you fucking pussy, And I grabbed the keys and I
get in the car and I make it a block
and I get pulled over. They were doing a sting.
They had no reason to pull me over other than
you know, the fact that he saw Page follow me
pick up the keys like he They were just doing
a sting. And I got arrested for a duy and
I didn't give a fuck, Like I literally I wish
I could find that mugshot. They actually misfiled all of
my paperwork, and I thought I was gonna get off
on the DUI for a minute because they misfiled it,
but they lost the mugshot. I was smiling ear to ear,
like justin Bieber, like the chesshire cat is Cheshire? How
do I say that? I think that's right, Cheshire cat?
Speaker 2: That quite my vernacular.
Speaker 1: Okay, well anyway, Alice in Wonderland, that cat like chess
Yeah whatever. I was smiling ear to ear in my mugshot.
I the next day at the bowl game, I was
just like, hey, what, Like I was to partying again,
and everyone's like, didn't you just get a duy last night?
And I was like, yeah, that's fine. You know, I'm
from Wisconsin. You can get four duys before they call
your landline and they're like, hey, knock it off, you know.
So I just I didn't think anything of it. And
I remember one woman being like You're going to be
in a world of hurt, and I was like what,
and then she was right, I uh, you know, I
thought for a minute I was going to get off.
I ended up getting a lawyer and she's like, yeah,
they misfiled and they have it was like sixteen days
or something to refile and if they don't refile, you
you get away with it. And I was like, hell, yeah,
I'm going to get away with it. And when I
got that news that night, I went out and celebrated.
I partied because I was like, I'm going to get
off on this. Duy da da da da da. And
that was the night that I went to the Beverly
Hills Hotel and it was Grammy wed and I was
partying with this guy and he was with his friend Nick,
and we, you know, just kind of partied all night.
It was me and a friend and him and his friend.
And then in the morning, like the conjoining door opened
and this woman stumbled through and was, you know, a mess.
And I'm not going to get into a ton of details.
She just needed like drugs. She was like, who has weed?
Who has a cigarette? I need this? I need that.
Her wive was falling off. She asked me to help
her pick out an outfit for some big party she
was going to. I had no idea what she was
talking about. All of her clothes were tragic her hotel
looked like a fucking bomb went off in it. And
I got back and the guy I was hooking up
with was like, oh, you got to meet Auntie Whitney.
And I was like what, and he's like, yeah, that
was Whitney hous did and I was like whoa. And
I remember leaving the hotel and I told one person.
I told Brian Zambezi. He was the guy. He's still
one of my best friends. You met Brian the other day. Yep,
Brian one of my friends mentors, one of the most
important people in my life. I told him. I was like,
weird morning, I just smoked a cigarette with Whitney Houston.
I'll talk to you later. And then I went back
because we didn't sleep all night, and I took a
nap and I woke up and by the time I
woke up, she had passed away. And that was like
a I don't know. There were so many moments in
my career of drinking and using and partying where it
should have been a wake up call, like the duy
should have been a wake up call. That should have
been a wake up call, but I was so defiant
and I was so stuck in my alcoholism, and I
was so sure that alcohol was not the problem. It
was the solution. It fixed every single one of my problems.
It was my only friend. It was the only thing
I could rely on. It was the only thing that
made me feel safe for so long. So when they
ultimately did refile my DUI and I did have to
go to jail for thirty days because I had an
extreme dui. My blood was point one to eight when
they took it, and point two would have been another
world of hurt. Point one eight I got very lucky.
I think they didn't really wait for those six shots
of jamison to settle, because if they had, I think
I would have been well over point two. But from
the time I left the bar to the time they
drew my blood was so quick. I think I got
really lucky because that would have been six months, and
one month was brutal. You know, I really thought I
had no priors. I was so young. I just didn't
really think there was a world I was going to
jail for a month. But I had to go to
jail for a month, and again, you would have think
that would have sobered me up. But what I looked
at jail was like a as was like a new
way to kind of game the system. And I wasn't
willing to get well, Like I would go to work
and I had to have like my boss at zam
Beezy had to sign off, like we know, she's going
to jail at for thirty days for this duy, and
they did that, and I'm so grateful because that was Like,
let's talk about the window of how short that was.
I got here in May of twenty eleven. That happened
in December. I was sentenced in February. I think I
was in jail by July. Yeah, I was in jail
by July because that was when I snuck out of
you know, they let you get out of work from
eight to eight Monday through Saturday, and I would at
the fourth of July was in there and I snuck
out to go to a party. And that's when I
went to that party. And I have a joke about it.
I met Usher. Met Usher at the party.
Speaker 2: So what year was all this going down?
Speaker 1: So two thousand and twelve, because two, I got the
duy in December of twenty eleven. Whitney Houston died in
February of twenty twelve, everyone.
Speaker 2: Was cooler about partying back then. Do you think you'd
have the job still if it was today?
Speaker 1: I think in advertising, yes, Advertising is a strange industry
where they don't really take into consider it, Like they
don't care if you drink or do drugs as long
as it doesn't get in the way of work. I
don't know. I also don't know that I would have
the balls to approach a boss about going to like
it's so embarrassing and the fact that I felt no
shame is a real red flag. You know.
Speaker 2: Speaking of not getting in the way of work, I
would say being in jail for twelve hours a day,
it's getting in the way of work for six months.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it really was nice. I mean, like it's
as nice as jail could be. Like you go from
eight to eight, you're able to leave Monday through Saturday
to go to work. This is the Beverly Hills pay estate.
By the way, this is not normal jail. This is
like the version of this like Epstein went to and
he got in trouble the first time. You know. It's like,
here's the thing about crime. If you're gonna put someone
in jail for a crime and then you're gonna let
them out, that's when they're gonna go commit the crime again.
So I'm like, you guys are giving me a pretty
generous window to commit crimes, you know. So what I
did when I was in jail was I would leave
work early. I would go back to my apartment in
the morning, like I didn't need to be into the
office until nine or nine thirty, so I would be
able to get out at eight. Which, by the way,
you guys, I want to say, this is before Uber existed.
This is twenty twelve, so maybe it existed, but it
wasn't near the popularity. I remember, I still had a
BlackBerry at this time. I don't know how I could
even get Uber.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was great, that was for sure.
Speaker 1: It was pre Uber and I was in the middle
of Beverly Hills and my work was in Venice Beach,
like as far west as you can be. It's like
in one more carwheel and you're in the ocean. So
it was a far commute. So I would was relying
on friends driving me from jail to work, which was
crazy that I had so many friends that were willing
to do that. And then at one point my friend
let me borrow her car, and I was like, well,
this is risky business because I don't have a license.
But I was so arrogant and so pompous that I
went into the Beverly Hills jail and like had the
validate my parking and I would drive drunk. And I'm
not bragging about that, because I don't think that's fucking cool.
I was so defiant and I was so angry that
I was in jail, and I thought it was the
punishment didn't match the crime, even though now I really
I do think it matched the crime. I think drunk
driving is such a serious problem, but like at the time,
I just really didn't think. So I was like, you
guys didn't even I was like, the cop didn't even
let me drive. He didn't even let me show him
what I made him as a drunk driver, you know.
And they're like, that's not the point. It's funny though,
because I'm in the middle of this move and I
had all these paperwork, all this paperwork from my DUI
that I've been hanging on to. It's like the jail
release form, the actual police report of like things I
said when they arrested me. They're like, have you had
pills tonight and I was like, yeah, a handful of
random pills. I don't know what I thought that was gonna.
I don't know if I thought that, like taking out
of an would help my case, Like I don't know
really what I was thinking. And then they're like, how
much of you had to drink tonight? And I'm like, too,
margaritas the size of your head. Like I really was
being like such an asshole, which is probably part of
the reason they threw the book at me. But I
really was just so defiant and such an insane alcoholic,
Like there's no other way to put it. Like I
So I got out on the fourth of July and
my friend picked me up and we went to a
party in Malibu, and I remember, as I was leaving
because I had to get back, Usher was at the party. Whatever,
it's not like that big of a name. It's not
that big of a name drop. He's like, where are
you going? And I was like, jam.
Speaker 2: And I have go ahead, Mike, say my way, but
my way?
Speaker 1: What's my wed?
Speaker 2: My way? Usher's biggest song, oh, one of Usher's biggest songs.
Speaker 1: Is what's that song? I don't know that song? You
what my way? That one that's not ushow okay anyway,
So I wrote a whole joke about that. I mean, listen,
some of my best comedy comes from my drinking days.
But they were dark and they lasted a long time.
I wish I could say that that was the end
and I turned my life around after that, but I didn't.
I kept drinking, kept partying. I nearly didn't get out
of that jail sentence because on the last day, what
you're gonna play it?
Speaker 2: If you want me to, I can, can you play it?
It's got the whole skit first is one of his
first hits. You don't remember this one. I'm old.
Speaker 1: Oh hang on, we gotta get into I gotta hear it.
Oh yeah, yea, yep, okay, gotcha yep. So anyway, I
what was I saying? I forgot years old mikes one
hundred years old? No, I I like I said, I
wish I would have pivoted at that point and quit drinking,
and I I didn't. I almost was more. I almost
drank more. I almost drank at I was like, fuck
the system, fuck this fuck that. Also at that point
in my life, that was one of the that was
the last time my mom and I ever spoke, and
I actually, I haven't thought of this in a while.
I remember what happened is my mom was always like,
you know, from the time I was very young, She's like,
you're gonna be an alcoholic just like your father, you know.
And alcohol was one of the biggest cruxes in our
relationship is that she wanted me to quit drinking, and
I drank at her and I didn't. I did. Actually,
I was talking to her at the time and I
told her about my DUI and she would always check
c cap for me, like she always knew I was
gonna get in trouble, so she always scapped my ass
and I told her about my DUI. And in that moment,
I really needed a mom. I didn't need someone to
be like fucking told you so I was right, you're
a fucking loser. But that's what she did. And when
I ended up, I just really broke down on her
and I said, you know, I need you to be
a mom right now, Like I'm going to jail, but
you're like your daughter just moved across the country and
it's going to jail for thirty days, Like this isn't
a joke and not to be like, oh poor me,
I'm going to jail for something I did like. But
at that time I was very scared. I didn't I
didn't have any money. I didn't have two dimes to
rub together. I obviously told you before that story. I
couldn't even afford to go home for Christmas. So where
the fuck was I going to get thirteen thousand dollars
from to pay for this DUI. I didn't know if
I was going to keep my job. I didn't know
if the dream of La was going to be over
before it even started. I didn't know if I would
make it through, quite frankly, and she just got in
my face and said some really horrible things to me,
and I told her, I was like, listen, if you
ever want to go to therapy and get help, I
will fly home for it. I will be there for you,
and I will gladly resume this relationship. But until then,
I can't. I can't talk to you anymore. This is
kind of the last straw. And we never spoke again,
and she reached out to me a few times. She
sent me like a message on LinkedIn. She changed her
phone number to try and get a hold of me.
But it was always kind of like a bit of
a psychosis. It was never like an apology or like
I've done some work on myself, you know. It was like,
how are you? I miss you. I hope you're well.
I need fifty five thousand dollars for this lawsuit I'm in,
and I'm like, girl, where the fuck do you think
I have fifty In what world do you think I
have fifty five thousand dollars? So, yeah, that it was
a big end of a chapter there with that dui,
And then afterwards, I would say one of the best
things that came of it was I was in such
a dark place and I was so deeply depressed, and
like I said, I almost didn't get out of that
jail sentence because on the last day I got out,
it was a Saturday, and I remember my talent my
friend was in town because she had just got cut
from the Olympics basketball team. She was supposed to be
in the Olympics. In the last minute they cut her,
so she came and she was like distressed and she
was staying at my place while I was in jail.
And so on the last day I got out and
we got hammered and we went and got tattoos, and
on my way back to jail, I was so drunk
I forgot where I was going. And again, this is
not a time where I had navigation or GPS. I
had my brain to remember how to get from Venice
to Beverly Hills. And I got lost, and I thought
for sure that was it. They were going to catch me.
I was drunk. I was drunk driving. I didn't have
a license. I you know, I came back to jail drunk.
I had saran wrap around my ankle from a tattoo,
like I was just completely unhinged. And the officers were like, oh,
late night at work, and I was like yeah, and
he's like, all right, well tomorrow, when you get out,
it's just going to You're gonna be forty minutes later
whatever the amount of time that I was late to
report back. And I was like, what the fuck? Okay? Cool.
I woke up the next morning and I got out
of jail, and I was so lucky. But I didn't
make any big sweeping changes. And you know, I started
doing comedy because I was working at Zambezi still, and
the guy that sat across from me he was the
head of strategy. He was quitting advertising to go do
comedy full time, and I thought that was so cool.
And he's like, you know, you should try comedy. He's like,
you probably need therapy, but I know you can't afford it.
He's like, you should do comedy. There's this great comedy
writing class. And like I said, I had no money
and the comedy writing class was like six hundred dollars
and I was like, how the fuck am I going
to get six hundred dollars? And I remember I like
lied to one of the basketball players I was hooking
up with, and I was like, I need a fucking
I don't know what I said, like new furniture or
something legitimately important. Yeah, I need six hundred dollars worth
of Plan B. Yeah, I need an abortion. Yeah. So
I ended up up getting money from him, and I
dig comedy, and I remember it being like the most
rewarding and challenging three months ever. And when I finally
got on stage for the first time and I did
stand up. You know, the comedy coach that I've worked
under for the last twelve years is he has an
adamant and strict no drinking no drugs policy, So when
you're working in class and when you go to perform,
you can't drink and you can't do drugs. And I
think I needed those really strict rules otherwise I would have.
And I remember the first time I did stand up
was like the best. It was the best day of
my life. I wish I could bottle that feeling and
recreate it. I was like, oh my god, I know
what I was put on this earth to do. I
was so excited about it. And yeah, you know, there's
such a big part of me that wishes I would
have gone head first into comedy right away. But I
was too I was married to my disease. I was
married to alcoholism. I would go to comedy shows and
I didn't realize how lucky I got, how quick I
got it was. It was very quick, Like Bobby Lee
was the first person to ask me to feature for him,
granted it was just at the Ice House in Pasadena,
like that was a big deal. I was getting booked
on shows with Damon William's senior and junior at THEO,
von Neil Brennan, Eliza like big names right away. And
I was doing well and I was holding my own,
but I was afterwards, I would get hammered and I
would like, you know, some of the I would get
a little I would hit on the mail comics and
like I just I wasn't a professional. And I remember
one time this woman, she was my neighbor at the time,
and she was just like fascinated by comedy and she
took pictures and she came to take some pictures and
she saw me afterwards get drunk and she was like,
you're at work. You need to act like it. And
I was like, no, I'm not. This is just like
something I do for fun. And she's like, okay, then
it's always just going to be something you do for fun.
She's like, but this could be your work. And I
remember that kind of like sat with me, and throughout
my drinking career, things sat with me where people like
looked me in the eyes and said, hey, you have
a problem. I remember Neil Brennan told me that He's like,
you're an alcoholic and I was like, I'm Brittany, I
don't even know your name, what are you talking about?
But like, I think I just didn't have the I
didn't have the courage to quit drinking because it was
such a crutch, and I was already working in advertising
and pretty successfully. I was doing pretty well, and I'm
so I'm not jealous. I am envious now though, when
I see people just jump in head first and just
go for it full force. I wish I could have
done that, because what I did is I did it
as a hobby for like two years, and then I
quit completely for two years, and then I came back
in twenty eighteen, and then by twenty end of twenty nineteen,
I was like, we're gonna do this full time, which
was a great time to decide to do that because
twenty twenty was the pandemic. Twenty twenty one, I shot
my first special, you know what I mean. But it
took me so much longer because I was so in
my disease. And you know, I think those years that
I took not doing comedy, I needed those I needed
to like fall in love for the first time and
experience that romantic partnership that I had with Chris that
was so wonderful and healed a really deep wound in me.
You know, Chris and I ended up getting married after
dating for two years, and he's wonderful, Like I cannot
say enough good things about bat Man. He's the funniest
person I've ever known. He is so kind, He's so compassionate.
Is he perfect? No, none of us are, but just
a really, really wonderful person. And I think you know,
that marriage was such a big part of my experience
in la We were together for eight years, married for
six and that's a big chunk of time, you know.
All in I've been here fifteen years, so over half
of that. Well it'll be fifteen in May, so I
won't even make it to fifteen, it'll be fourteen and
a half. But yeah, that marriage was such a learning experience,
you know. I married him, and then my mom, you know,
ultimately ended up committing suicide, which was a surprise to
everyone but me, and I will say when she committed suicide,
finally I felt relief. I felt really happy that she
was going to be happy for the first time because
I knew she couldn't find it here. And so much
of the profound healing that I've done with that relationship
has come post mortem, because while she was alive, I
couldn't find it in myself to forgive her, and she
still felt like an active villain. And when she left,
I finally was able to kind of take a look
at her and start to do some real healing, some
very profound healing. And one of those things was, you know,
so when my mom died, I told myself. You know,
I was doing this thing, this negotiating thing with myself
at that time, where I'm like, all right, I'm gonna
wake up and I'm going to decide if I want
to drink, and whether I do want to drink or
whether I don't want to drink is fine, I just
have to stick to it. And I realized pretty quickly
I wasn't in control. But I told myself. The last
thing I told myself was I'm not gonna get drunk
at my mom's funeral. It's not the time. And so
I didn't. I got black out, and I woke up
the next morning and I was with some friends and
a cousin and I was like, last night was pretty good, right,
And They're like yeah, like you were crying on the bar,
and I was like, oh my god, I don't want this.
I don't want this to be my life. I don't
want to not know what I did the night before.
I want to be in control. Again, and so I
remember waking up and deciding definitively, I'm going to be
done drinking right after this mimosa, right after this Mabosa
finishes up. No, but I quit drinking, and I think
that was probably one of the most profound changes of
my life. You know, I quit drinking in a way
that like, I quit drinking, but I was still smoking weed.
And then once I started smoking, like when I quit
drinking and started smoking weed, I smoked weed twenty four
to seven. I couldn't be with myself. It's mister Manhattan.
I couldn't be with myself and I you know, it
was just like smoking myself dumb every single day. And
then I had a friend in the program say, like,
you're not actually sober after I told her I was sober,
and she's like, do you still smoke weed? And I
said yeah, And she's like, who are you that you're
so afraid to be with yourself? And I was like,
what the fuck was that question? What kind of an
attack of a question is that? So I that next day,
out of defiance, got completely sober, and I stayed completely
sober for three years, and that those first six months
of like real, actual sobriety were the hardest six months
of my life. The hardest I was. I didn't even
know prior to getting sober that I was depressed. I
thought I was fine. I didn't know I had anxiety.
I didn't know I had depression. All of it came
flying forward. And they say, and I've said it before,
and I'll say it again, like drinking and using is
like driving in a station wagon and every time something
happens you just throw it in the back. Getting sober
is like slamming on the brakes. Everything comes forward, it
flies to the front. You have to deal with it.
And I just had a lifetime of shit, of childhood trauma,
not only with my mom but with you know, I
was very badly bullied in school. I'm not looking to
play the victim here. I've grown from it. I'm grateful
for it. I wouldn't be who I am today without it.
But I had a lot of work I had to do.
I had a lot of resentment. I had a lot
of anger. I had a lot of sadness. And those
I mean, imagine getting married and then your wife gets
sober and turns into the saddest version of anyone you've
ever seen. I commend Chris so much for sticking with
me through those times because it wasn't easy. And I
think both of us went back and forth supporting each
other on the journey of life, you know, but I
would say getting sober was a reckoning. It was a motherfucker.
And you know, like I said, I've gone back and
forth on full sobriety a few times. But like that,
those three years changed my life. I found transcendental meditation,
I started journaling, I started doing all of this work
on myself. Ultimately, the marriage, did you know, kind of
run its course. We were growing in different directions. I
think I was so profoundly broken. I couldn't be the
partner that I needed to be. And I think he
had things about himself that he wasn't willing to work
on at the time, so he couldn't be the partner
that I needed anymore. And we ultimately went in other directions.
And I think that, you know, the divorce was another devastation.
Like I my life hasn't been all sad. I've had
pockets of profound joy. I like stand up does bring
me a lot of joy. I have wonderful, meaningful friendships,
A lot of which have you know? Started in LA.
The divorce was profoundly difficult, and not only the divorce,
but the divorce came on the heels of I put
out my first stand up special and it did really well,
and then I was a touring comedian, divorced, touring comedian,
freezing my eggs like giving myself injections on the road.
That year was a hellish year. And I think a
lot of people don't understand why I don't like that
second special so much, Horny. It's because it it was
the product of that year. I can see the sadness
all over my face, and I just I just know
that I was trying to make jokes when I wasn't
in a really great place. And I have. I've learned
so much in the years that I've been here. I
would say the best thing I ever did for myself
was getting medicated. I really thought that I could just
journal and do ten thousand steps and work out five
times a week and sit in the sun and do
all this stuff. And I'm like, no, you know, depression
is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I needed the balance.
I needed the SSRIs to even me out. It's not
like you know, like water is a chemical, it's hydrogen
and oxygen. It's not like hydrogen just needs to journal more.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: It's like I, I've done a lot of work on
myself in this town. I feel like I am in
a place of peace. I have learned a lot, I've
grown immensely, and I am sad for my living here
to be over. But I know so much of my
life will always be here. I know I will always
have friends here. I know it's a place that's always
going to feel like home when I come back. And yeah,
I did like a ritualistic burning of everything, Like I
I got all of my divorce papers and all of
my dy papers and everything that I you know, reminded
me of this like kind of heavy past, and I
put it in my fireplace and I burned it. And
then my county neighbor called the fucking fire department and
we had thirteen firefighters show up. I talked about this
on the last episode, right or did.
Speaker 2: I not think so? Or at least we were talking
about it with Craig. But oh yeah, whether or not
you're allowed to burn your trash and the fireplace.
Speaker 1: Is debatable, right, right, right, So apparently I committed a
crime and I had thirteen firefighters show up and they
knocked on my door and they're like, what are you burning?
And I was like my divorce papers and my dy papers,
any questions, any other questions, And they're like no, like
next time, don't burn trash. And I was like, well,
my life's spent trash. I was trying to just trying
to burn it, just trying to pretend it never happened. No,
I'm not trying to pretend any of this never happened.
And I do have like a heavy heart moving away,
but I am so excited for this fresh start. I
have never gotten rid of more clothes or like stuff
in my entire life, Like since I've moved as an adult,
I've just kind of like thrown everything in boxes and
moved it to the next place. But this time I'm
going through everything one by one, like do I need it?
Does this bring me joy? Like mariecondoing this shit and
throwing so much away. I had a huge sale. Some
of you guys showed up. Thank you for coming and
buying my trinkets at a huge sale, got rid of
sold pretty much all my furniture, mister Manhattan and I
are completely starting over, which is so exciting. I've never
done that before in my life. I'm scared. I'll be honest,
I'm scared. I'm excited. I think, what is it. It's
the year of the Horse this year, which is I
think it's a good year for change. I don't know.
Is any of that shit real? I don't know, So yeah,
I'm I am excited. However, I did start watching the
poem being you guys all were dming me about this
member's only show on Netflix it's about like the Palm
Beach Elite whatever, and I started watching it. Woof, woof,
what a dump. I mean, these ladies are deep as
a puddle, and they're like they all just think they're
like super important, and they're old and they have bad
work done on their face, and I'm just like, you
know what I want to do in the next life.
I want to be a beauty consultant where I can
see someone and I'm like, here's what you need to
do to your face to make it look better, because
I like putting the puzzle together when someone's like a
little off and I'm like, wait no, if this goes here,
that goes I like that. I like there's so many people,
like there's a beauty broke a on Instagram. I want
to be her in my next life because just looking
at someone and being like, shift this slightly and everything
will look so much better. I do this to my
friends all the time. Whether or not they like it,
I don't really care. I always tell them I'm like,
you gotta like fix that, you gotta do that, but
not like, you know, not super invasive stuff, just like
little little changes. So anyway, Yeah, it's really funny. I
was talking too. I don't know how I'm gonna make friends,
or if I'm gonna make friends. I'm not great, you know.
Speaker 2: I was talking to start by taking their picture and
drawing on it and telling them how to fix themselves.
Speaker 1: Hilarious, like the plastic surgeon did to me. I just
have like arrows. I'm like, hey, I noticed this really
cute photo of you. Here's how it could be better. Yeah,
it's funny. I was talking to Chris because we're like
figuring out the logistics of like the last time he's
going to see Biggie, hopefully not the last time, but
like you know, handing off Biggie and all that stuff,
and he's like, how are you feeling about everything? And
I was like, you know, I'm good other than the
fact like I only know you know, my boyfriend and
I don't know anyone else. And he's like, well, you know,
you're so great at friends. I was like, shots fired.
But I'm not. I'm very introverted. I'm I don't have
a great It's not that I don't have a great
track record. I think I try too fast and then
I get burned quickly, or you know, sometimes I do
the burning. I'm not going to act like I'm innocent here.
Sometimes I do shitty shit and friendships end too. I'm
not just going to be like I'm a victim and
I'm gonna be any bubble button.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I fuck up and I am the reason of
friendship ends, and I will take that squarely and accountably.
But I just don't have that much patience for people
and their fuck shit anymore. So Yeah, we'll see. I
don't know. I'm I'm super excited. I'm most excited to
be on the road. I think, you know, I'm on
the road through June with Reina, and then hopefully we'll
do like a little European summer moment mister Manhattan is
going to be so busy making bagels, and I am
going to be on the road. So it's going to
be nice to have a home base that's just like
feels peaceful and mellow and chill. Okay, we are going
to get into word of the week, like where are
we at for time? H forty forty Okay, we're going
to get into word of the week and then me
and Mike are going to tax some Schmidt.
Speaker 2: Oh, go ahead, I thought I was doing enough already.
Speaker 1: No, okay, what letter do you want the word to
start with? L? Okay?
Speaker 2: H I J K L before I am?
Speaker 1: I know I okay, there we go. Ooh ooh okay,
do you know lascivius? You don't? Lascivious is a good one.
L A S C I V I O U S lascivious.
It's an adjective. It means wanton or lustful. That which
excites sexual desires is lascivious. Grandmother Jones, upon being informed
that the dancers at the club had done a can
can for us denounce such lascivious goings on? Lacious?
Speaker 2: Someone's taunting somebody?
Speaker 1: Is it? Biggie Biggie's taunting Wrigley. Oh my god, what
are you gonna do without us? Mike? Are you gonna
fucking miss us? Or what? Of course you're not. You
don't like me.
Speaker 2: There's no where else am I going to get the
estrogen in this office?
Speaker 1: I know, I know, Mike. I gotta say. I was
really proud of you for coming to my party, my
going away party, and hanging for as long as you did.
While I know, I really thought you were going to
be like, Okay, see you later, and then I thought
you were gonna irish eggsit, which you might have done.
Speaker 2: No, I said goodbye, but I looked at George and
I said to him, I'm about to irish eggs at
this thing. And then I saw my opening. I was like,
I'm going to irish eggs at everybody.
Speaker 1: But no, I was proud of you guys. You both
stuck it out.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll tell you exactly what happened.
Speaker 1: Georgia, want to go? If you weren't going, I already
know I'm not made leave.
Speaker 2: Okay, Uh, there's back. I had about eight hundred dollars
on the line for fantasy football back to back touchdowns
right before halftime by the one person who was just
fucking me in the ass that day. Okay, So I
said like, yeah, I can't be here and be nice
to anybody. This wight be This won't be healthy, This
will be me being as spas about nothing in front
of strangers.
Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing. It's not nothing. It's eight hundred dollars.
And here's the other thing. If you can't take the heat,
get the fuck out the kitchen. You can't be gambling
eight hundred dollars if you can't be fine with losing it.
Speaker 2: It was the championship. It wasn't me losing eight hundred
dollars is me winning either nothing or winning eight hundred.
I see, I wanted the eight hundred dollars and yeah
I really had to white knuckle for it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, did you win it? Or no?
Speaker 2: I did? The amount of drugs I need to do
in front of the television wasn't something I wanted to
do in front of everyone.
Speaker 1: Everyone that you didn't?
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, like I know some of you are sober,
but not me.
Speaker 1: Well, not a lot of people are not sober. Present
company didn't have the beer there that I wanted, But
I had beer.
Speaker 2: Oh I didn't know that.
Speaker 1: Oh, my god, I had beer for you. I had
a whole drawer full of beer.
Speaker 2: I didn't assume that there was I bought.
Speaker 1: One shitty bottle of wine for Reina, and then I
bought you beer. Nobody drink my beers. There's I still
have a whole drawer full.
Speaker 2: Hey, you know what you can bring tomorrow?
Speaker 1: Beers. I'll bring them.
Speaker 2: I will.
Speaker 1: I will absolutely bring them because otherwise they're just going
in my trash.
Speaker 2: Nice.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they were corona hei hei. So Mike, tell us
your big goals for twenty twenty six.
Speaker 2: Ooh, to start doing more stuff besides podcast. I like podcasts,
but I also like expanding into other work and stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're writing right now. You're working on something exciting.
Speaker 2: And I will tell you as I write a lot
of things at the bar just to get out of
the house and out of disk because I'm just always
here and be writing some smut at the bar, and
I don't realize that people are ship. I was like,
I canna scroll up on my Ipadt's see what I'm writing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're writing the text. It's not my fault. Your
dick can't get hard. And someone's sitting over there like
what are you writing? Yeah, sir, sir, sir, okay, well
that's exciting.
Speaker 2: One person walk up though and say are you coding
right now? Yes? Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1: Do you want an accountability buddy for writing to get
it done?
Speaker 2: Okay? I thought you're talking about, like for drinking your
drugs or.
Speaker 1: Something like, I have accountable Yeah, I will drink and drug.
Speaker 2: Drink three beers and get my pages out of the bar.
Very clean system, and it is excellent.
Speaker 1: It's a very clean system. If anyone wants to find Mike,
he's at what bar.
Speaker 2: Pins bowling Alley, and I'd go there because nobody's there.
Speaker 1: Okay, we'll go find like.
Speaker 2: Seventy five seats and about three people in there. Everyone
else is on the other side bowling.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you when I was in Connecticut, we
went bowling on Christmas and I am not a good
bowler at all, but I had one game where every
single all ten I either yeah, no, no, no, all ten
because it's rounds right, like attempts whatever, I either got
a strike or a spare. Nice except for two of them.
So eight out of ten that's pretty good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like upper like that's almost two hundred probably yeah,
somewhere else.
Speaker 1: Well it was close, was it quite?
Speaker 2: But it's hard to get to two hundred though. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It was very exciting for me. I was like, well,
I didn't know that I was so good at this.
Do you bowl or do you just right?
Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't. I have never bowled there once.
Speaker 1: Really such an interesting place to go to drink if
you're not going to bowl.
Speaker 2: I knew a person at a different bar, and then
she started working at that bar, and I go where
they don't charge me for beer.
Speaker 1: Oh, I see you. I am My dad used to
work at a bowling alley and he got really mad
ones and he threw the pin down and it bounced
back up and it hit him in the face and
knocked his front tooth. Oh, Charlie's front tooth is fake.
Charlie and I we we got into it. We got
into it. I tell you. He called me and told
me my comedy is not funny. Oh yeah, I was.
Oh yeah, I almost canceled the whole party.
Speaker 2: I remember the fallout.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, he called, he apologized, he called, He's like
I'm sorry. He just he was like confused. And I
have this joke. It's an old joke about how when
he gets drunk he says the N word whatever, and
he's just like, I was at the chop site and
this guy came up to me and started talking to
me about it, and you know, I was like, what
if the guy over there hears it? And I'm like,
you just say it's fake. You just say everything I'm
saying is fake. And he's like, well, the other joke
I didn't like is the one about you having abortions.
I was like, I've never had an abortion. That's fake.
I'm just talking shit. Comedians get on stage and lie.
But yeah, so we're better now. He felt bad that
he made me so upset.
Speaker 2: The amount of dudes who'd be arrested for crimes if
they like the things they say on podcasts that like
didn't happen. Like I sit here watching other people's clips
and stuff, and sometimes like some famous people's clips, and
I'm just listening. I'm like, somebody's done that, but you haven't. Yeah.
I listened to one recently of a guy talking like yeah,
and then we all trick these guys and then if
we don't like them, we'd all beat them up and
like just jump these guys, like it was a regular thing. Yeah,
you and your frack guys that I'm looking at. This
guy's like someone does that not you? Yeah? Yeah, good
story though, get your clicks. The person doesn't line up.
Speaker 1: We're all just sitting here talking ship, you.
Speaker 2: Know, like me telling stories about and then there's three
girls and they just couldn't keep their hands and.
Speaker 1: They were all at the same time. Yeah, don't worry
about logistics. It happened. Okay, A while I was drying,
he was there. Do you have a dog camp for
Wrigley when you're not with him?
Speaker 2: Why am I not with ra?
Speaker 1: That's true.
Speaker 2: No, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I was thinking about that.
Speaker 2: I should change that. I just got a camera for
the office today. That was my Christmas gift from the family,
and I think it's so nake look at.
Speaker 1: The hilarious I'm trying to decide because I'm on the
road so much and I want I miss Biggie.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: I'm like he's at that age where like anytime I'm
not with him, I like physically hurt. I'm trying to
decide if I should get a dog cam or if
that feels like invasive.
Speaker 2: Well, if you're looking at the dog cam to see
anyone but the dog, then it's probably weird. Is it
going to be something that you feel like you'ld ever
check up? No?
Speaker 1: No, no, I don't. I honestly, if someone's gonna cheat
on me, they're gonna cheat on me. I'm not going
to find out through a dog camera. I don't care,
but I'm just.
Speaker 2: I will say. They make ones where you can like
actually talk back and whistle and say something to your dog.
I think there's somewhere you can even give him treats, like, well.
Speaker 1: I want it. Mostly I want to know what the
fuck he's doing when I'm gone, because there are certain
things that he gets into and knocks over, and I'm like,
how did he even get up there? Like he'll every
time I leave him knocks over my laundry basket, even
if it's full of laundry and it's so heavy, it's
like forty pounds of laundry, and he just pulls it
over and drags everything out, and I'm like, in what
world he's like a little bodybuilder.
Speaker 2: So that's how I figured out my old dog, Jacks.
Did you meet Jacks?
Speaker 1: Of course the German shepherd?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Oh, part German shepherd, part yeah, he's a blondie.
He was old yeah, yeah, old Jacks. But I didn't
when I got him. He would never be on the
furniture in front of me. Ever. But I couldn't see
him on the dog cam one time and I was like,
he's not in his bed, where is he? And like
the camera was low where his bed was and I
could see up across the room. I was like, off
the couch. Yeah, finally, but I'm talking like six months.
He would never be on the cow in front of me,
so I had to teach him. I was like, I
know you're getting up on the couch. Get up here
with me, dude, Like, I want you to be on
the couch with me. I'm not trying to lay on
the floor with you.
Speaker 1: There's nobody else here coming out.
Speaker 2: I like to trick him and then once he is
old enough to not hear me coming up the stairs
and surprise him, I'll be like, I see you on.
Speaker 1: The Oh my god. Okay, So you're gonna write more
this year? Last podcasting? Great? Are you going to try
and get back into making movies?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Well, I don't know if the movie part's gonna work.
It might be more of like TV pilot and try
and go that route because I think I think making
a show, Like I told you, I think I want
to make I want to have all the fans fund
my first project, and they need to go into that
work because it's right off for them, Like, yeah, we
could lose all the money and it would still just
go under their taxes, right right? Who needs HBO to
finance a project when only fans has more money than HBO.
HBO doesn't exist. They just got bought by Netflix. What
are we talking about, did they? Yeah, well Warner and everything,
so that's all under the Netflix arm now. So yeah,
so it's a whole new world when it comes to
like actually making shit.
Speaker 1: So it's a whole new world.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So I'm gonna try and get them to fund
half and maybe fund half privately.
Speaker 1: And only fans would fund all of it.
Speaker 2: Potentially, Sometimes you got to get something in the can
and have a little something going just to prove it
to them.
Speaker 1: I wonder how my special is doing on there. I
wonder if I would have any pull to go present
with you. Potentially we can figure that out.
Speaker 2: We can build a little package of people in there.
But the trick is, whoever the main girl is like,
she can't have an only fans account and be an
OnlyFans girl because they need to see her on our
show or else everyone will just go to the girl's
only fans account that well won't be able to compete with.
Speaker 1: Okay, you've got your work cut out for you, because
like seventy eight percent of girls around OnlyFans or something crazy.
But yeah, okay, Mike, Well, everyone is so sad to
lose you. Have you seen the comments. I'm like, not
much of a comment reader, but I've been reading on
this one because it's like my baby. Everyone's like it's
a huge fuck up to lose Mike, And I'm like,
you think I don't know that, you think I'm not
leaving behind something very valuable.
Speaker 2: Lose is just such a strong word. If I'm going somewhere, it's.
Speaker 1: Like I'm I know, I'm here, I know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's this thing called the internet.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: These cameras plug in with a USB straight into the
computer and then I can see you.
Speaker 1: There we go. It's not Mike's not going anywhere. The
threat any any last things you want to say to
the besties before.
Speaker 2: We go, be nice to each other as we move forward.
The internet's a crazy, weird, mean place, and there's no
reason to get online and spill and take out you're
crazy on others, Like, we all like comments and we
all want the likes and engagement and all of that,
because that's what makes us think the internet's run on.
But really a lot of the over commenting and over
sharing and over everything is just so negative. I'm almost like,
even the people who do comment, I'm like, oh, are
you insane? I don't know. So the Internet doesn't exist.
It's a lot of trolls. It's a lot of crazies.
Don't over engage negatively, and be a nice person when
you're on the internet.
Speaker 1: Be a nice person. It's really not that hard.
Speaker 2: And a nice person period, not just on the Internet
in life.
Speaker 1: Be a nice person. It is funny. Trolls are funny.
I mean they're funny. You got to give it to them.
They're wasting a lot of energy just to put negativity
towards someone that's like trying to do something productive. But
it's I laughed at this one. Recently with my latest special,
someone made a Reddit thread being like, how did you
guys like Britney Schmid's new special and then nobody responded,
and then they're like, I'll go first. I didn't like,
I really laughed. I was like imaginating someone so much.
You start the thread, you wait there for people to
give a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck, and you're like,
I'll go first. I fucking it. Oh my god, you
guys be kind Mike. I love you so much. Thank
you for everything you've done for the show. I'll I'll
miss you. But it's it's what is it? What do
they say? It's not goodbye? To see you later?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 1: All right, guys, all right, besties, love you so much.
This is my last episode filming from LA So the
next time you see me, maybe, if everything goes according
to plan, I'll be in Palm Beach in my apartment
filming there, and Mike will be there virtually if everything
goes according to plan, and Biggie will be there also. Okay,
I love you guys, See you next week.
Speaker 2: M