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Speaker 1: Oh Kidoki, welcome back, besties. It's me. This is officially

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my last episode in LA, my last episode with Mike.

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Speaker 2: Not ever.

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Speaker 1: Maybe, well, I'm gonna have to fly you down to

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Palm Beach. I'm gonna have to retire you put your ways. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Maybe's gonna tell you how to turn on a camera.

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Yeah that's true, through a computer saying now hit this,

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now hit this is everything good?

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Speaker 1: Okay, you'll be there. Yeah. Yeah, I'm feeling all the

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fields and we'll get into that in a second. I

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do have some dates on the road that I want

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to tell you guys about. I have my little European

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dates where I'm doing London on March twentieth, and then

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Berlin March twenty first, Amsterdam March twenty seconds. So if

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you're across the pond, come hang out with me. All

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of my tickets around Britney Schmidt dot com. And then

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I'm going to be on the road featuring for Grina Greenberg,

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so check out her tour schedule. I'm going to be

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pretty much on all the dates except for the Texas

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States and then also not San Diego or Los Angeles,

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I don't think, so go get tickets on my website

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Brittany Schmidt dot com and I would love to see

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you guys on the road with that. Yeah, I'm I'm

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I'm moving, baby, girls moving. And I feel like this

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is one of the most substantial. It is probably the

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biggest move I've ever done in my life, you know,

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and it's with such a different mindset because when I

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moved out to LA, you know, I was fresh out

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of college. I was living on a prayer. I had

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sixteen hundred dollars and a Ford tourists and two suitcases

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and I'm at computer and that's all I had. And

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I drove across the country in tornadoes. I remember there

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was like a ton of tornadic activity in the Midwest.

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And at one point I had to it was pouring

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so hard. I had to like follow a semi because

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otherwise the car was blowing all over the road. And

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I just had like such grit and determination to get here,

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because like, my only dream in life was to live

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in La that was it. I never wanted to be

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a comedian. Podcasting didn't even exist. I had no idea

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what I was going to do out here. I mean,

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I had an internship at Zambizy, which was I got

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so lucky with that internship, you know. I it was

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Kobe Bryant's at agency, and he helped me get an

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internship there, and I built the best community at Zambezy.

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Like I look back at my time in LA and

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I just feel so fortunate for that chapter. Zambizy to

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me felt a lot like like college again. You know,

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it was a really small group of people. There were

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seventeen of us working in advertising. I had no idea

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what I was doing, but what I lacked in skill

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I made up for in confidence. I showed up by

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first day of work in like booty shorts, like short

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shorts and a crop top, and I was like, what's up, sluts,

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I'm here. And at the time I had one friend

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in LA. His name was Mike, and he had a dispensary.

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And so when I came to LA, he got me

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as like a welcome to La gift, an ounce of weed.

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And I at the time, like I said, I moved

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out here. I had nothing but a car. So I

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found some guy on Craigslist that I was living with.

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He was like really seedy and weird and like hanging

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out with what seemed like underage girls. And so I

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didn't trust my stuff in his house. Not like I

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had anything valuable, but I didn't want to have like

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an ounce of weed in his house. So I brought

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it to work. My first day of work, I brought

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an ounce of weed to work. And we had a

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small office. There was only like eight of us in

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this office. So like the way the office was split

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up was creative was on one side, an account was

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on another side, and it was an advertising agency if

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I didn't mention that already, but all the creatives were

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in what we called the reef, which was like this

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little part of it where there's eight of us. I

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mean when I say that weed stunk up the whole building,

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they were like, is the intern also a drug dealer?

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And someone finally said something to me. They're like, hey,

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you pack and wait, and I was like, oh my god,

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I'm so glad you asked this guy gave you all

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this sweet I don't know what to do with it,

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and I I, do you guys want some?

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Speaker 2: So then I just that's your only move you can do.

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At that point. I brought it for you guys because

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I didn't know what to do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was like, do you guys want some and

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they're like yeah, then you know, And there's like all

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these rumblings like the intern and fucking booty shorts and

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hasn't out so weed Like. It was just like I

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had no idea what I was doing, but I went

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full steam into that bitch and it was so interesting.

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It was like baptism by fire. I yes, I went

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to marketing classes when I was at Marquette, but I

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had no idea how to actually do advertising. And I

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remember like the first day on the job, I went

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to like present a project. I didn't know what the

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fuck I was doing. They're like, do this whatever some

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I don't even remember what it was. It was some

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sort of copy for Champ Sports. It was one of

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our clients, and I like went and presented like with

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my whole chest. I was like, this is the best

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idea ever. And the creative director threw his pen down

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and he's like, this is why women don't belong in advertising,

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and I was like, oh, what the fuck did you

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just say to me?

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Speaker 2: Hell yeahper days?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it really was. I mean, I again feel

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so fortunate to have witnessed the end of advertising as

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like the glory days, like we fucking partied and had

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the best time and everyone was friends and hooking up,

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and you know, it was it was a lot of fun.

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Zambezi is where I met Chris. That's where I met

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my first husband, you know, I was. I went there

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as an intern copywriter, and then when they didn't have

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room to bring me on full time and a creative capacity,

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they transitioned me over to creative recruitment. And so I

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recruited Chris and you know, setting the power dynamic early,

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like throughout our whole marriage we had hr SCHECKND. So

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I'm just kidding performance reviews. I yeah, I met him,

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and you know, we became really good friends, and he

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was married to someone else at the time, and he

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was like a really good husband, which was infuriating and hot.

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You know, he just was like, she's the best I

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think the world ever, even thought she wasn't the best.

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That's what he did to me too though. When we

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were married. He's like, she's the best, and everyone else

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is like she is not the best. You know. I

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recently one of his other friends got divorced and I

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was talking to Chris and I was like, oh god,

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I'm so glad they got divorced. He was way too

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cool for her. She was such a cut and it

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was like he was just quiet. And I'm like, I know,

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I know people said that about us when we got divorced, too,

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but yeah, I mean, I had this big career in advertising.

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Oh I'm skipping over the fact that, like I moved

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here in May of twenty eleven, and I in December

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of twenty eleven, was supposed to go home for Christmas

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and I couldn't afford a flight home. They were like

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seven hundred I didn't have seven hundred bucks. I was

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making eight dollars an hour at my internship. I was

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also bartending at townhouse in Venice Beach. I had to

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work two jobs to make ends meet, and they still

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didn't meet, and I went so I couldn't fly home

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to Wisconsin for Christmas. So I went to go see

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my friend in Phoenix because her brother was playing a

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bowl game, or in Scottsdale. I'm sorry whatever, Tomato Potato,

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and her brother was playing a bowl game, and I

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was like, I'll go there. The flight's like sixty bucks.

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But at this point in my life, I would say

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my alcoholism is peaking, and so I get this sixty

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dollars round trip flight to Scottsdale. I go to the airport.

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I get so drunk that I miss my flight, and

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then I had to rebook the flight, and then rebooking

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the flight was like an additional three hundred dollars. So

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at this point I should have just flown to Wisconsin.

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I arrived in Scottsdale hammered, so drunk. I go to

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her place, I take a nap, I wake up, We

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go out, we go drinking, We drink. You remember those

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fish bowls, like, I don't. I don't know if those

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are still a thing.

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Speaker 2: Did you have you ever had a fi?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I think fishbowls did die off at some point.

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Speaker 2: Oh they're still in the South, which is not here

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in La. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I mean they're pretty pretty much like alcohol and sugar.

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It's like a diabetes cocktail. But I had a fish

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bowl margarita, which is good, just to I've never seen one.

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Just imagine a fish bowl and then fill it with

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margarita and put one straw in it. That's what I drank.

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I had a fish bowl margarita, and then we drove

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to the next bar. And then when we were at

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the next bar, I think I took like six shots

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of jameson I the way I used to drink. I'm

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not bragging about it. It's alarming. Like when I bartended

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in college and was a cocktail we dress. I would

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take like twenty six shots of Jamison at night and

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be fine to drive. I'm just kidding. I was a

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great drunk driver. But no, I So we get to

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the next bar, we take all these Jamison shots. At

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that point, my friend who I was visiting, Paige, her

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friend had came to meet up with us, and we

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or leaving Page like stumbled and dropped the keys and

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I picked them up, and the friend was like, Paige,

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you can't drive the d u I laws here are crazy,

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like if you get a duy, you go to jail

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for a super long time, dead to day. I was like,

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you fucking pussy, And I grabbed the keys and I

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get in the car and I make it a block

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and I get pulled over. They were doing a sting.

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They had no reason to pull me over other than

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you know, the fact that he saw Page follow me

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pick up the keys like he They were just doing

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a sting. And I got arrested for a duy and

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I didn't give a fuck, Like I literally I wish

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I could find that mugshot. They actually misfiled all of

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my paperwork, and I thought I was gonna get off

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on the DUI for a minute because they misfiled it,

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but they lost the mugshot. I was smiling ear to ear,

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like justin Bieber, like the chesshire cat is Cheshire? How

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do I say that? I think that's right, Cheshire cat?

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Speaker 2: That quite my vernacular.

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Speaker 1: Okay, well anyway, Alice in Wonderland, that cat like chess

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Yeah whatever. I was smiling ear to ear in my mugshot.

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I the next day at the bowl game, I was

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just like, hey, what, Like I was to partying again,

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and everyone's like, didn't you just get a duy last night?

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And I was like, yeah, that's fine. You know, I'm

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from Wisconsin. You can get four duys before they call

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your landline and they're like, hey, knock it off, you know.

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So I just I didn't think anything of it. And

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I remember one woman being like You're going to be

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in a world of hurt, and I was like what,

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and then she was right, I uh, you know, I

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thought for a minute I was going to get off.

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I ended up getting a lawyer and she's like, yeah,

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they misfiled and they have it was like sixteen days

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or something to refile and if they don't refile, you

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you get away with it. And I was like, hell, yeah,

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I'm going to get away with it. And when I

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got that news that night, I went out and celebrated.

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I partied because I was like, I'm going to get

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off on this. Duy da da da da da. And

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that was the night that I went to the Beverly

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Hills Hotel and it was Grammy wed and I was

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partying with this guy and he was with his friend Nick,

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and we, you know, just kind of partied all night.

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It was me and a friend and him and his friend.

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And then in the morning, like the conjoining door opened

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and this woman stumbled through and was, you know, a mess.

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And I'm not going to get into a ton of details.

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She just needed like drugs. She was like, who has weed?

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Who has a cigarette? I need this? I need that.

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Her wive was falling off. She asked me to help

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her pick out an outfit for some big party she

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was going to. I had no idea what she was

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talking about. All of her clothes were tragic her hotel

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looked like a fucking bomb went off in it. And

238
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I got back and the guy I was hooking up

239
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with was like, oh, you got to meet Auntie Whitney.

240
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And I was like what, and he's like, yeah, that

241
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was Whitney hous did and I was like whoa. And

242
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I remember leaving the hotel and I told one person.

243
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I told Brian Zambezi. He was the guy. He's still

244
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one of my best friends. You met Brian the other day. Yep,

245
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Brian one of my friends mentors, one of the most

246
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important people in my life. I told him. I was like,

247
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weird morning, I just smoked a cigarette with Whitney Houston.

248
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I'll talk to you later. And then I went back

249
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because we didn't sleep all night, and I took a

250
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nap and I woke up and by the time I

251
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woke up, she had passed away. And that was like

252
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a I don't know. There were so many moments in

253
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,120
my career of drinking and using and partying where it

254
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,360
should have been a wake up call, like the duy

255
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,279
should have been a wake up call. That should have

256
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been a wake up call, but I was so defiant

257
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and I was so stuck in my alcoholism, and I

258
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was so sure that alcohol was not the problem. It

259
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,799
was the solution. It fixed every single one of my problems.

260
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It was my only friend. It was the only thing

261
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I could rely on. It was the only thing that

262
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,519
made me feel safe for so long. So when they

263
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:56,440
ultimately did refile my DUI and I did have to

264
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,320
go to jail for thirty days because I had an

265
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,679
extreme dui. My blood was point one to eight when

266
00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,799
they took it, and point two would have been another

267
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,080
world of hurt. Point one eight I got very lucky.

268
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,120
I think they didn't really wait for those six shots

269
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,159
of jamison to settle, because if they had, I think

270
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:16,159
I would have been well over point two. But from

271
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,960
the time I left the bar to the time they

272
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,360
drew my blood was so quick. I think I got

273
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,960
really lucky because that would have been six months, and

274
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:30,120
one month was brutal. You know, I really thought I

275
00:13:30,159 --> 00:13:34,559
had no priors. I was so young. I just didn't

276
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,240
really think there was a world I was going to

277
00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:38,080
jail for a month. But I had to go to

278
00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:40,639
jail for a month, and again, you would have think

279
00:13:40,799 --> 00:13:43,320
that would have sobered me up. But what I looked

280
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,440
at jail was like a as was like a new

281
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:51,200
way to kind of game the system. And I wasn't

282
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,320
willing to get well, Like I would go to work

283
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,759
and I had to have like my boss at zam

284
00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:59,039
Beezy had to sign off, like we know, she's going

285
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,720
to jail at for thirty days for this duy, and

286
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,879
they did that, and I'm so grateful because that was Like,

287
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,039
let's talk about the window of how short that was.

288
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,240
I got here in May of twenty eleven. That happened

289
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,399
in December. I was sentenced in February. I think I

290
00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:17,799
was in jail by July. Yeah, I was in jail

291
00:14:17,799 --> 00:14:21,919
by July because that was when I snuck out of

292
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:23,879
you know, they let you get out of work from

293
00:14:23,919 --> 00:14:26,799
eight to eight Monday through Saturday, and I would at

294
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,159
the fourth of July was in there and I snuck

295
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,320
out to go to a party. And that's when I

296
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:33,759
went to that party. And I have a joke about it.

297
00:14:33,799 --> 00:14:36,440
I met Usher. Met Usher at the party.

298
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,639
Speaker 2: So what year was all this going down?

299
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,679
Speaker 1: So two thousand and twelve, because two, I got the

300
00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:46,120
duy in December of twenty eleven. Whitney Houston died in

301
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,480
February of twenty twelve, everyone.

302
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,399
Speaker 2: Was cooler about partying back then. Do you think you'd

303
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,120
have the job still if it was today?

304
00:14:53,799 --> 00:14:57,519
Speaker 1: I think in advertising, yes, Advertising is a strange industry

305
00:14:57,559 --> 00:15:00,440
where they don't really take into consider it, Like they

306
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,919
don't care if you drink or do drugs as long

307
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,759
as it doesn't get in the way of work. I

308
00:15:05,799 --> 00:15:07,679
don't know. I also don't know that I would have

309
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,840
the balls to approach a boss about going to like

310
00:15:10,879 --> 00:15:13,440
it's so embarrassing and the fact that I felt no

311
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:16,840
shame is a real red flag. You know.

312
00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:18,720
Speaker 2: Speaking of not getting in the way of work, I

313
00:15:18,759 --> 00:15:20,960
would say being in jail for twelve hours a day,

314
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,840
it's getting in the way of work for six months.

315
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it really was nice. I mean, like it's

316
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960
as nice as jail could be. Like you go from

317
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,759
eight to eight, you're able to leave Monday through Saturday

318
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,799
to go to work. This is the Beverly Hills pay estate.

319
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,440
By the way, this is not normal jail. This is

320
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:38,480
like the version of this like Epstein went to and

321
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,480
he got in trouble the first time. You know. It's like,

322
00:15:41,759 --> 00:15:45,279
here's the thing about crime. If you're gonna put someone

323
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,200
in jail for a crime and then you're gonna let

324
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,879
them out, that's when they're gonna go commit the crime again.

325
00:15:50,519 --> 00:15:52,080
So I'm like, you guys are giving me a pretty

326
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:56,080
generous window to commit crimes, you know. So what I

327
00:15:56,159 --> 00:15:59,399
did when I was in jail was I would leave

328
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,960
work early. I would go back to my apartment in

329
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,000
the morning, like I didn't need to be into the

330
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,000
office until nine or nine thirty, so I would be

331
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,440
able to get out at eight. Which, by the way,

332
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,840
you guys, I want to say, this is before Uber existed.

333
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,360
This is twenty twelve, so maybe it existed, but it

334
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,919
wasn't near the popularity. I remember, I still had a

335
00:16:14,919 --> 00:16:17,120
BlackBerry at this time. I don't know how I could

336
00:16:17,159 --> 00:16:17,720
even get Uber.

337
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,519
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was great, that was for sure.

338
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,039
Speaker 1: It was pre Uber and I was in the middle

339
00:16:21,039 --> 00:16:23,360
of Beverly Hills and my work was in Venice Beach,

340
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,519
like as far west as you can be. It's like

341
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:28,159
in one more carwheel and you're in the ocean. So

342
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,799
it was a far commute. So I would was relying

343
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,519
on friends driving me from jail to work, which was

344
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,840
crazy that I had so many friends that were willing

345
00:16:35,919 --> 00:16:38,039
to do that. And then at one point my friend

346
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,720
let me borrow her car, and I was like, well,

347
00:16:40,759 --> 00:16:43,440
this is risky business because I don't have a license.

348
00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:47,360
But I was so arrogant and so pompous that I

349
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:52,919
went into the Beverly Hills jail and like had the

350
00:16:53,039 --> 00:16:56,480
validate my parking and I would drive drunk. And I'm

351
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,399
not bragging about that, because I don't think that's fucking cool.

352
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,960
I was so defiant and I was so angry that

353
00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:05,799
I was in jail, and I thought it was the

354
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,960
punishment didn't match the crime, even though now I really

355
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,759
I do think it matched the crime. I think drunk

356
00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:14,279
driving is such a serious problem, but like at the time,

357
00:17:14,319 --> 00:17:15,519
I just really didn't think. So I was like, you

358
00:17:15,559 --> 00:17:17,119
guys didn't even I was like, the cop didn't even

359
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,640
let me drive. He didn't even let me show him

360
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,920
what I made him as a drunk driver, you know.

361
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,720
And they're like, that's not the point. It's funny though,

362
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,599
because I'm in the middle of this move and I

363
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,920
had all these paperwork, all this paperwork from my DUI

364
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,920
that I've been hanging on to. It's like the jail

365
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:37,359
release form, the actual police report of like things I

366
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,000
said when they arrested me. They're like, have you had

367
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:42,960
pills tonight and I was like, yeah, a handful of

368
00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:45,640
random pills. I don't know what I thought that was gonna.

369
00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:48,759
I don't know if I thought that, like taking out

370
00:17:48,799 --> 00:17:50,799
of an would help my case, Like I don't know

371
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,160
really what I was thinking. And then they're like, how

372
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,160
much of you had to drink tonight? And I'm like, too,

373
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,759
margaritas the size of your head. Like I really was

374
00:18:00,559 --> 00:18:02,880
being like such an asshole, which is probably part of

375
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,400
the reason they threw the book at me. But I

376
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,559
really was just so defiant and such an insane alcoholic,

377
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,200
Like there's no other way to put it. Like I

378
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,240
So I got out on the fourth of July and

379
00:18:14,279 --> 00:18:15,599
my friend picked me up and we went to a

380
00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:18,119
party in Malibu, and I remember, as I was leaving

381
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,160
because I had to get back, Usher was at the party. Whatever,

382
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,000
it's not like that big of a name. It's not

383
00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:25,759
that big of a name drop. He's like, where are

384
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:27,240
you going? And I was like, jam.

385
00:18:29,519 --> 00:18:32,240
Speaker 2: And I have go ahead, Mike, say my way, but

386
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:33,400
my way?

387
00:18:34,039 --> 00:18:34,839
Speaker 1: What's my wed?

388
00:18:35,279 --> 00:18:38,960
Speaker 2: My way? Usher's biggest song, oh, one of Usher's biggest songs.

389
00:18:40,279 --> 00:18:43,559
Speaker 1: Is what's that song? I don't know that song? You

390
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:51,160
what my way? That one that's not ushow okay anyway,

391
00:18:52,039 --> 00:18:54,359
So I wrote a whole joke about that. I mean, listen,

392
00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:56,880
some of my best comedy comes from my drinking days.

393
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:01,519
But they were dark and they lasted a long time.

394
00:19:01,839 --> 00:19:04,319
I wish I could say that that was the end

395
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:07,519
and I turned my life around after that, but I didn't.

396
00:19:07,599 --> 00:19:13,279
I kept drinking, kept partying. I nearly didn't get out

397
00:19:13,279 --> 00:19:15,759
of that jail sentence because on the last day, what

398
00:19:16,039 --> 00:19:16,680
you're gonna play it?

399
00:19:17,079 --> 00:19:18,720
Speaker 2: If you want me to, I can, can you play it?

400
00:19:23,279 --> 00:19:29,559
It's got the whole skit first is one of his

401
00:19:29,599 --> 00:19:32,920
first hits. You don't remember this one. I'm old.

402
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:39,720
Speaker 1: Oh hang on, we gotta get into I gotta hear it.

403
00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:50,279
Oh yeah, yea, yep, okay, gotcha yep. So anyway, I

404
00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:53,680
what was I saying? I forgot years old mikes one

405
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,160
hundred years old? No, I I like I said, I

406
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,559
wish I would have pivoted at that point and quit drinking,

407
00:19:58,599 --> 00:20:04,200
and I I didn't. I almost was more. I almost

408
00:20:04,279 --> 00:20:07,319
drank more. I almost drank at I was like, fuck

409
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,240
the system, fuck this fuck that. Also at that point

410
00:20:10,279 --> 00:20:13,599
in my life, that was one of the that was

411
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,000
the last time my mom and I ever spoke, and

412
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:19,240
I actually, I haven't thought of this in a while.

413
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,000
I remember what happened is my mom was always like,

414
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,319
you know, from the time I was very young, She's like,

415
00:20:25,319 --> 00:20:29,279
you're gonna be an alcoholic just like your father, you know.

416
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,680
And alcohol was one of the biggest cruxes in our

417
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,599
relationship is that she wanted me to quit drinking, and

418
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:42,559
I drank at her and I didn't. I did. Actually,

419
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,519
I was talking to her at the time and I

420
00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:48,000
told her about my DUI and she would always check

421
00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:50,039
c cap for me, like she always knew I was

422
00:20:50,079 --> 00:20:52,559
gonna get in trouble, so she always scapped my ass

423
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:57,160
and I told her about my DUI. And in that moment,

424
00:20:57,519 --> 00:21:00,599
I really needed a mom. I didn't need someone to

425
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:05,359
be like fucking told you so I was right, you're

426
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:10,200
a fucking loser. But that's what she did. And when

427
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,400
I ended up, I just really broke down on her

428
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,000
and I said, you know, I need you to be

429
00:21:16,039 --> 00:21:18,519
a mom right now, Like I'm going to jail, but

430
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,480
you're like your daughter just moved across the country and

431
00:21:20,519 --> 00:21:22,599
it's going to jail for thirty days, Like this isn't

432
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,240
a joke and not to be like, oh poor me,

433
00:21:24,279 --> 00:21:27,000
I'm going to jail for something I did like. But

434
00:21:27,079 --> 00:21:29,599
at that time I was very scared. I didn't I

435
00:21:29,599 --> 00:21:31,440
didn't have any money. I didn't have two dimes to

436
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,759
rub together. I obviously told you before that story. I

437
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:36,119
couldn't even afford to go home for Christmas. So where

438
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:38,079
the fuck was I going to get thirteen thousand dollars

439
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,160
from to pay for this DUI. I didn't know if

440
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,680
I was going to keep my job. I didn't know

441
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,440
if the dream of La was going to be over

442
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:48,599
before it even started. I didn't know if I would

443
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,000
make it through, quite frankly, and she just got in

444
00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:54,240
my face and said some really horrible things to me,

445
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:58,519
and I told her, I was like, listen, if you

446
00:21:58,559 --> 00:22:01,319
ever want to go to therapy and get help, I

447
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,880
will fly home for it. I will be there for you,

448
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,319
and I will gladly resume this relationship. But until then,

449
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:11,359
I can't. I can't talk to you anymore. This is

450
00:22:11,599 --> 00:22:15,000
kind of the last straw. And we never spoke again,

451
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:16,960
and she reached out to me a few times. She

452
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,160
sent me like a message on LinkedIn. She changed her

453
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,759
phone number to try and get a hold of me.

454
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,799
But it was always kind of like a bit of

455
00:22:24,799 --> 00:22:28,559
a psychosis. It was never like an apology or like

456
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,799
I've done some work on myself, you know. It was like,

457
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:33,000
how are you? I miss you. I hope you're well.

458
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:37,000
I need fifty five thousand dollars for this lawsuit I'm in,

459
00:22:37,039 --> 00:22:38,880
and I'm like, girl, where the fuck do you think

460
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,480
I have fifty In what world do you think I

461
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:46,240
have fifty five thousand dollars? So, yeah, that it was

462
00:22:46,319 --> 00:22:49,319
a big end of a chapter there with that dui,

463
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,720
And then afterwards, I would say one of the best

464
00:22:51,759 --> 00:22:55,160
things that came of it was I was in such

465
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,640
a dark place and I was so deeply depressed, and

466
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,240
like I said, I almost didn't get out of that

467
00:22:59,319 --> 00:23:01,799
jail sentence because on the last day I got out,

468
00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:03,799
it was a Saturday, and I remember my talent my

469
00:23:03,839 --> 00:23:07,160
friend was in town because she had just got cut

470
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,039
from the Olympics basketball team. She was supposed to be

471
00:23:10,079 --> 00:23:11,759
in the Olympics. In the last minute they cut her,

472
00:23:11,839 --> 00:23:13,720
so she came and she was like distressed and she

473
00:23:13,839 --> 00:23:15,519
was staying at my place while I was in jail.

474
00:23:15,559 --> 00:23:18,759
And so on the last day I got out and

475
00:23:18,799 --> 00:23:21,480
we got hammered and we went and got tattoos, and

476
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,200
on my way back to jail, I was so drunk

477
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,960
I forgot where I was going. And again, this is

478
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,240
not a time where I had navigation or GPS. I

479
00:23:29,279 --> 00:23:31,400
had my brain to remember how to get from Venice

480
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,119
to Beverly Hills. And I got lost, and I thought

481
00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:36,519
for sure that was it. They were going to catch me.

482
00:23:36,599 --> 00:23:38,680
I was drunk. I was drunk driving. I didn't have

483
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:45,519
a license. I you know, I came back to jail drunk.

484
00:23:45,519 --> 00:23:48,359
I had saran wrap around my ankle from a tattoo,

485
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,720
like I was just completely unhinged. And the officers were like, oh,

486
00:23:50,799 --> 00:23:52,279
late night at work, and I was like yeah, and

487
00:23:52,279 --> 00:23:54,119
he's like, all right, well tomorrow, when you get out,

488
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,480
it's just going to You're gonna be forty minutes later

489
00:23:56,559 --> 00:23:58,119
whatever the amount of time that I was late to

490
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,200
report back. And I was like, what the fuck? Okay? Cool.

491
00:24:01,599 --> 00:24:04,079
I woke up the next morning and I got out

492
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,759
of jail, and I was so lucky. But I didn't

493
00:24:07,759 --> 00:24:11,200
make any big sweeping changes. And you know, I started

494
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:16,480
doing comedy because I was working at Zambezi still, and

495
00:24:16,519 --> 00:24:18,039
the guy that sat across from me he was the

496
00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:21,359
head of strategy. He was quitting advertising to go do

497
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,720
comedy full time, and I thought that was so cool.

498
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,960
And he's like, you know, you should try comedy. He's like,

499
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,400
you probably need therapy, but I know you can't afford it.

500
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,559
He's like, you should do comedy. There's this great comedy

501
00:24:31,559 --> 00:24:33,400
writing class. And like I said, I had no money

502
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,519
and the comedy writing class was like six hundred dollars

503
00:24:35,519 --> 00:24:36,599
and I was like, how the fuck am I going

504
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:41,319
to get six hundred dollars? And I remember I like

505
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,319
lied to one of the basketball players I was hooking

506
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,119
up with, and I was like, I need a fucking

507
00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:48,359
I don't know what I said, like new furniture or

508
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:52,480
something legitimately important. Yeah, I need six hundred dollars worth

509
00:24:52,519 --> 00:24:58,000
of Plan B. Yeah, I need an abortion. Yeah. So

510
00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:01,200
I ended up up getting money from him, and I

511
00:25:01,279 --> 00:25:04,279
dig comedy, and I remember it being like the most

512
00:25:04,319 --> 00:25:08,160
rewarding and challenging three months ever. And when I finally

513
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,960
got on stage for the first time and I did

514
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,519
stand up. You know, the comedy coach that I've worked

515
00:25:12,559 --> 00:25:15,759
under for the last twelve years is he has an

516
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:19,519
adamant and strict no drinking no drugs policy, So when

517
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,799
you're working in class and when you go to perform,

518
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,680
you can't drink and you can't do drugs. And I

519
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,880
think I needed those really strict rules otherwise I would have.

520
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,559
And I remember the first time I did stand up

521
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,720
was like the best. It was the best day of

522
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,160
my life. I wish I could bottle that feeling and

523
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,359
recreate it. I was like, oh my god, I know

524
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:40,400
what I was put on this earth to do. I

525
00:25:40,519 --> 00:25:46,119
was so excited about it. And yeah, you know, there's

526
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,279
such a big part of me that wishes I would

527
00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:52,119
have gone head first into comedy right away. But I

528
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:56,200
was too I was married to my disease. I was

529
00:25:56,279 --> 00:25:59,680
married to alcoholism. I would go to comedy shows and

530
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,200
I didn't realize how lucky I got, how quick I

531
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,119
got it was. It was very quick, Like Bobby Lee

532
00:26:06,319 --> 00:26:09,039
was the first person to ask me to feature for him,

533
00:26:09,599 --> 00:26:11,759
granted it was just at the Ice House in Pasadena,

534
00:26:11,839 --> 00:26:14,720
like that was a big deal. I was getting booked

535
00:26:14,759 --> 00:26:18,359
on shows with Damon William's senior and junior at THEO,

536
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:23,440
von Neil Brennan, Eliza like big names right away. And

537
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,000
I was doing well and I was holding my own,

538
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,480
but I was afterwards, I would get hammered and I

539
00:26:29,519 --> 00:26:32,039
would like, you know, some of the I would get

540
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,599
a little I would hit on the mail comics and

541
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,240
like I just I wasn't a professional. And I remember

542
00:26:37,279 --> 00:26:40,119
one time this woman, she was my neighbor at the time,

543
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:42,440
and she was just like fascinated by comedy and she

544
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,680
took pictures and she came to take some pictures and

545
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,799
she saw me afterwards get drunk and she was like,

546
00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,480
you're at work. You need to act like it. And

547
00:26:49,559 --> 00:26:50,960
I was like, no, I'm not. This is just like

548
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,640
something I do for fun. And she's like, okay, then

549
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,200
it's always just going to be something you do for fun.

550
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,960
She's like, but this could be your work. And I

551
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,160
remember that kind of like sat with me, and throughout

552
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,680
my drinking career, things sat with me where people like

553
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,160
looked me in the eyes and said, hey, you have

554
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,279
a problem. I remember Neil Brennan told me that He's like,

555
00:27:06,279 --> 00:27:08,759
you're an alcoholic and I was like, I'm Brittany, I

556
00:27:08,799 --> 00:27:10,920
don't even know your name, what are you talking about?

557
00:27:11,319 --> 00:27:16,160
But like, I think I just didn't have the I

558
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,720
didn't have the courage to quit drinking because it was

559
00:27:18,759 --> 00:27:21,599
such a crutch, and I was already working in advertising

560
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:26,480
and pretty successfully. I was doing pretty well, and I'm

561
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,400
so I'm not jealous. I am envious now though, when

562
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,880
I see people just jump in head first and just

563
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,119
go for it full force. I wish I could have

564
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,279
done that, because what I did is I did it

565
00:27:38,279 --> 00:27:41,200
as a hobby for like two years, and then I

566
00:27:41,279 --> 00:27:44,240
quit completely for two years, and then I came back

567
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,000
in twenty eighteen, and then by twenty end of twenty nineteen,

568
00:27:48,039 --> 00:27:51,279
I was like, we're gonna do this full time, which

569
00:27:51,319 --> 00:27:53,559
was a great time to decide to do that because

570
00:27:53,599 --> 00:27:58,319
twenty twenty was the pandemic. Twenty twenty one, I shot

571
00:27:58,359 --> 00:27:59,920
my first special, you know what I mean. But it

572
00:28:00,079 --> 00:28:02,759
took me so much longer because I was so in

573
00:28:02,799 --> 00:28:06,319
my disease. And you know, I think those years that

574
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,440
I took not doing comedy, I needed those I needed

575
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,359
to like fall in love for the first time and

576
00:28:12,039 --> 00:28:15,200
experience that romantic partnership that I had with Chris that

577
00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:20,160
was so wonderful and healed a really deep wound in me.

578
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,319
You know, Chris and I ended up getting married after

579
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,839
dating for two years, and he's wonderful, Like I cannot

580
00:28:27,839 --> 00:28:30,319
say enough good things about bat Man. He's the funniest

581
00:28:30,319 --> 00:28:34,759
person I've ever known. He is so kind, He's so compassionate.

582
00:28:34,839 --> 00:28:37,920
Is he perfect? No, none of us are, but just

583
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,599
a really, really wonderful person. And I think you know,

584
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,319
that marriage was such a big part of my experience

585
00:28:44,319 --> 00:28:47,480
in la We were together for eight years, married for

586
00:28:47,599 --> 00:28:51,359
six and that's a big chunk of time, you know.

587
00:28:51,519 --> 00:28:54,160
All in I've been here fifteen years, so over half

588
00:28:54,359 --> 00:28:57,480
of that. Well it'll be fifteen in May, so I

589
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,240
won't even make it to fifteen, it'll be fourteen and

590
00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:05,559
a half. But yeah, that marriage was such a learning experience,

591
00:29:05,599 --> 00:29:10,559
you know. I married him, and then my mom, you know,

592
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,799
ultimately ended up committing suicide, which was a surprise to

593
00:29:13,839 --> 00:29:19,759
everyone but me, and I will say when she committed suicide,

594
00:29:20,079 --> 00:29:27,160
finally I felt relief. I felt really happy that she

595
00:29:27,319 --> 00:29:29,000
was going to be happy for the first time because

596
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,119
I knew she couldn't find it here. And so much

597
00:29:32,279 --> 00:29:35,200
of the profound healing that I've done with that relationship

598
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,200
has come post mortem, because while she was alive, I

599
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:42,119
couldn't find it in myself to forgive her, and she

600
00:29:42,279 --> 00:29:45,039
still felt like an active villain. And when she left,

601
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,839
I finally was able to kind of take a look

602
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:52,759
at her and start to do some real healing, some

603
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:56,880
very profound healing. And one of those things was, you know,

604
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,480
so when my mom died, I told myself. You know,

605
00:30:02,519 --> 00:30:05,119
I was doing this thing, this negotiating thing with myself

606
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,799
at that time, where I'm like, all right, I'm gonna

607
00:30:06,799 --> 00:30:08,359
wake up and I'm going to decide if I want

608
00:30:08,359 --> 00:30:09,960
to drink, and whether I do want to drink or

609
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:11,599
whether I don't want to drink is fine, I just

610
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,400
have to stick to it. And I realized pretty quickly

611
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,720
I wasn't in control. But I told myself. The last

612
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:19,039
thing I told myself was I'm not gonna get drunk

613
00:30:19,039 --> 00:30:21,839
at my mom's funeral. It's not the time. And so

614
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:27,519
I didn't. I got black out, and I woke up

615
00:30:27,559 --> 00:30:29,759
the next morning and I was with some friends and

616
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,359
a cousin and I was like, last night was pretty good, right,

617
00:30:32,359 --> 00:30:36,680
And They're like yeah, like you were crying on the bar,

618
00:30:36,839 --> 00:30:38,400
and I was like, oh my god, I don't want this.

619
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:40,039
I don't want this to be my life. I don't

620
00:30:40,119 --> 00:30:42,079
want to not know what I did the night before.

621
00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:46,759
I want to be in control. Again, and so I

622
00:30:46,799 --> 00:30:50,319
remember waking up and deciding definitively, I'm going to be

623
00:30:50,319 --> 00:30:56,039
done drinking right after this mimosa, right after this Mabosa

624
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,720
finishes up. No, but I quit drinking, and I think

625
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:04,000
that was probably one of the most profound changes of

626
00:31:04,039 --> 00:31:08,640
my life. You know, I quit drinking in a way

627
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,400
that like, I quit drinking, but I was still smoking weed.

628
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,759
And then once I started smoking, like when I quit

629
00:31:13,839 --> 00:31:16,079
drinking and started smoking weed, I smoked weed twenty four

630
00:31:16,119 --> 00:31:20,960
to seven. I couldn't be with myself. It's mister Manhattan.

631
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:26,759
I couldn't be with myself and I you know, it

632
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,839
was just like smoking myself dumb every single day. And

633
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,480
then I had a friend in the program say, like,

634
00:31:32,519 --> 00:31:34,680
you're not actually sober after I told her I was sober,

635
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,400
and she's like, do you still smoke weed? And I

636
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,279
said yeah, And she's like, who are you that you're

637
00:31:38,319 --> 00:31:40,359
so afraid to be with yourself? And I was like,

638
00:31:40,519 --> 00:31:43,400
what the fuck was that question? What kind of an

639
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:49,319
attack of a question is that? So I that next day,

640
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:55,039
out of defiance, got completely sober, and I stayed completely

641
00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:59,440
sober for three years, and that those first six months

642
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:03,039
of like real, actual sobriety were the hardest six months

643
00:32:03,039 --> 00:32:07,599
of my life. The hardest I was. I didn't even

644
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:11,359
know prior to getting sober that I was depressed. I

645
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,319
thought I was fine. I didn't know I had anxiety.

646
00:32:13,319 --> 00:32:15,480
I didn't know I had depression. All of it came

647
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,519
flying forward. And they say, and I've said it before,

648
00:32:19,559 --> 00:32:21,920
and I'll say it again, like drinking and using is

649
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:24,359
like driving in a station wagon and every time something

650
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,680
happens you just throw it in the back. Getting sober

651
00:32:26,759 --> 00:32:29,400
is like slamming on the brakes. Everything comes forward, it

652
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,119
flies to the front. You have to deal with it.

653
00:32:31,519 --> 00:32:35,440
And I just had a lifetime of shit, of childhood trauma,

654
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,359
not only with my mom but with you know, I

655
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,759
was very badly bullied in school. I'm not looking to

656
00:32:40,799 --> 00:32:43,319
play the victim here. I've grown from it. I'm grateful

657
00:32:43,319 --> 00:32:45,200
for it. I wouldn't be who I am today without it.

658
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:47,039
But I had a lot of work I had to do.

659
00:32:47,039 --> 00:32:48,680
I had a lot of resentment. I had a lot

660
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:52,480
of anger. I had a lot of sadness. And those

661
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:56,359
I mean, imagine getting married and then your wife gets

662
00:32:56,359 --> 00:32:59,079
sober and turns into the saddest version of anyone you've

663
00:32:59,119 --> 00:33:03,119
ever seen. I commend Chris so much for sticking with

664
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,599
me through those times because it wasn't easy. And I

665
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:09,240
think both of us went back and forth supporting each

666
00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:12,519
other on the journey of life, you know, but I

667
00:33:12,519 --> 00:33:16,559
would say getting sober was a reckoning. It was a motherfucker.

668
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:20,039
And you know, like I said, I've gone back and

669
00:33:20,079 --> 00:33:23,440
forth on full sobriety a few times. But like that,

670
00:33:23,559 --> 00:33:28,640
those three years changed my life. I found transcendental meditation,

671
00:33:28,839 --> 00:33:31,240
I started journaling, I started doing all of this work

672
00:33:31,279 --> 00:33:36,200
on myself. Ultimately, the marriage, did you know, kind of

673
00:33:36,279 --> 00:33:38,640
run its course. We were growing in different directions. I

674
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:42,319
think I was so profoundly broken. I couldn't be the

675
00:33:42,319 --> 00:33:44,480
partner that I needed to be. And I think he

676
00:33:44,599 --> 00:33:47,039
had things about himself that he wasn't willing to work

677
00:33:47,079 --> 00:33:49,920
on at the time, so he couldn't be the partner

678
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,960
that I needed anymore. And we ultimately went in other directions.

679
00:33:53,000 --> 00:34:00,319
And I think that, you know, the divorce was another devastation.

680
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:03,680
Like I my life hasn't been all sad. I've had

681
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:08,440
pockets of profound joy. I like stand up does bring

682
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,159
me a lot of joy. I have wonderful, meaningful friendships,

683
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:16,519
A lot of which have you know? Started in LA.

684
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:24,079
The divorce was profoundly difficult, and not only the divorce,

685
00:34:24,199 --> 00:34:26,320
but the divorce came on the heels of I put

686
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,079
out my first stand up special and it did really well,

687
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:33,840
and then I was a touring comedian, divorced, touring comedian,

688
00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:37,039
freezing my eggs like giving myself injections on the road.

689
00:34:38,599 --> 00:34:42,559
That year was a hellish year. And I think a

690
00:34:42,559 --> 00:34:44,679
lot of people don't understand why I don't like that

691
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:49,519
second special so much, Horny. It's because it it was

692
00:34:49,599 --> 00:34:51,880
the product of that year. I can see the sadness

693
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,519
all over my face, and I just I just know

694
00:34:54,559 --> 00:34:56,559
that I was trying to make jokes when I wasn't

695
00:34:56,599 --> 00:35:00,559
in a really great place. And I have. I've learned

696
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:04,639
so much in the years that I've been here. I

697
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:06,760
would say the best thing I ever did for myself

698
00:35:07,679 --> 00:35:11,880
was getting medicated. I really thought that I could just

699
00:35:13,519 --> 00:35:16,719
journal and do ten thousand steps and work out five

700
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,800
times a week and sit in the sun and do

701
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:21,840
all this stuff. And I'm like, no, you know, depression

702
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:26,119
is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I needed the balance.

703
00:35:26,159 --> 00:35:28,800
I needed the SSRIs to even me out. It's not

704
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:32,360
like you know, like water is a chemical, it's hydrogen

705
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,199
and oxygen. It's not like hydrogen just needs to journal more.

706
00:35:35,599 --> 00:35:35,840
Speaker 2: You know.

707
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:41,239
Speaker 1: It's like I, I've done a lot of work on

708
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:44,079
myself in this town. I feel like I am in

709
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:49,639
a place of peace. I have learned a lot, I've

710
00:35:49,679 --> 00:35:57,519
grown immensely, and I am sad for my living here

711
00:35:57,559 --> 00:35:59,000
to be over. But I know so much of my

712
00:35:59,039 --> 00:36:00,920
life will always be here. I know I will always

713
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:03,039
have friends here. I know it's a place that's always

714
00:36:03,039 --> 00:36:07,079
going to feel like home when I come back. And yeah,

715
00:36:07,119 --> 00:36:10,880
I did like a ritualistic burning of everything, Like I

716
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,039
I got all of my divorce papers and all of

717
00:36:14,079 --> 00:36:18,920
my dy papers and everything that I you know, reminded

718
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:21,599
me of this like kind of heavy past, and I

719
00:36:21,639 --> 00:36:23,440
put it in my fireplace and I burned it. And

720
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,719
then my county neighbor called the fucking fire department and

721
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:30,079
we had thirteen firefighters show up. I talked about this

722
00:36:30,159 --> 00:36:31,880
on the last episode, right or did.

723
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:33,679
Speaker 2: I not think so? Or at least we were talking

724
00:36:33,679 --> 00:36:36,119
about it with Craig. But oh yeah, whether or not

725
00:36:36,239 --> 00:36:39,880
you're allowed to burn your trash and the fireplace.

726
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,320
Speaker 1: Is debatable, right, right, right, So apparently I committed a

727
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:46,280
crime and I had thirteen firefighters show up and they

728
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,960
knocked on my door and they're like, what are you burning?

729
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:50,440
And I was like my divorce papers and my dy papers,

730
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:55,480
any questions, any other questions, And they're like no, like

731
00:36:55,559 --> 00:36:57,719
next time, don't burn trash. And I was like, well,

732
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,679
my life's spent trash. I was trying to just trying

733
00:37:01,679 --> 00:37:04,800
to burn it, just trying to pretend it never happened. No,

734
00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:06,800
I'm not trying to pretend any of this never happened.

735
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,079
And I do have like a heavy heart moving away,

736
00:37:09,119 --> 00:37:11,639
but I am so excited for this fresh start. I

737
00:37:11,679 --> 00:37:16,320
have never gotten rid of more clothes or like stuff

738
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,639
in my entire life, Like since I've moved as an adult,

739
00:37:19,679 --> 00:37:21,800
I've just kind of like thrown everything in boxes and

740
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,280
moved it to the next place. But this time I'm

741
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,800
going through everything one by one, like do I need it?

742
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:30,079
Does this bring me joy? Like mariecondoing this shit and

743
00:37:30,239 --> 00:37:33,000
throwing so much away. I had a huge sale. Some

744
00:37:33,079 --> 00:37:35,119
of you guys showed up. Thank you for coming and

745
00:37:35,199 --> 00:37:40,239
buying my trinkets at a huge sale, got rid of

746
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,239
sold pretty much all my furniture, mister Manhattan and I

747
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:46,079
are completely starting over, which is so exciting. I've never

748
00:37:46,119 --> 00:37:50,239
done that before in my life. I'm scared. I'll be honest,

749
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:53,559
I'm scared. I'm excited. I think, what is it. It's

750
00:37:53,599 --> 00:37:56,320
the year of the Horse this year, which is I

751
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,199
think it's a good year for change. I don't know.

752
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:03,159
Is any of that shit real? I don't know, So yeah,

753
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:07,159
I'm I am excited. However, I did start watching the

754
00:38:07,199 --> 00:38:09,239
poem being you guys all were dming me about this

755
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:12,000
member's only show on Netflix it's about like the Palm

756
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,800
Beach Elite whatever, and I started watching it. Woof, woof,

757
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:20,599
what a dump. I mean, these ladies are deep as

758
00:38:20,639 --> 00:38:22,679
a puddle, and they're like they all just think they're

759
00:38:22,719 --> 00:38:25,719
like super important, and they're old and they have bad

760
00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:27,760
work done on their face, and I'm just like, you

761
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,239
know what I want to do in the next life.

762
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,639
I want to be a beauty consultant where I can

763
00:38:31,639 --> 00:38:33,639
see someone and I'm like, here's what you need to

764
00:38:33,679 --> 00:38:36,039
do to your face to make it look better, because

765
00:38:36,079 --> 00:38:38,840
I like putting the puzzle together when someone's like a

766
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,719
little off and I'm like, wait no, if this goes here,

767
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:44,159
that goes I like that. I like there's so many people,

768
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,199
like there's a beauty broke a on Instagram. I want

769
00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:49,280
to be her in my next life because just looking

770
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:51,400
at someone and being like, shift this slightly and everything

771
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:52,800
will look so much better. I do this to my

772
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,199
friends all the time. Whether or not they like it,

773
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:57,599
I don't really care. I always tell them I'm like,

774
00:38:57,639 --> 00:39:01,599
you gotta like fix that, you gotta do that, but

775
00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:04,320
not like, you know, not super invasive stuff, just like

776
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:10,079
little little changes. So anyway, Yeah, it's really funny. I

777
00:39:10,079 --> 00:39:12,320
was talking too. I don't know how I'm gonna make friends,

778
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,079
or if I'm gonna make friends. I'm not great, you know.

779
00:39:14,119 --> 00:39:16,280
Speaker 2: I was talking to start by taking their picture and

780
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,199
drawing on it and telling them how to fix themselves.

781
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:20,320
Speaker 1: Hilarious, like the plastic surgeon did to me. I just

782
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,679
have like arrows. I'm like, hey, I noticed this really

783
00:39:22,679 --> 00:39:28,119
cute photo of you. Here's how it could be better. Yeah,

784
00:39:28,159 --> 00:39:29,800
it's funny. I was talking to Chris because we're like

785
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,199
figuring out the logistics of like the last time he's

786
00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:34,199
going to see Biggie, hopefully not the last time, but

787
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:36,559
like you know, handing off Biggie and all that stuff,

788
00:39:36,599 --> 00:39:38,119
and he's like, how are you feeling about everything? And

789
00:39:38,119 --> 00:39:39,599
I was like, you know, I'm good other than the

790
00:39:39,639 --> 00:39:42,360
fact like I only know you know, my boyfriend and

791
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,599
I don't know anyone else. And he's like, well, you know,

792
00:39:44,679 --> 00:39:52,400
you're so great at friends. I was like, shots fired.

793
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:57,199
But I'm not. I'm very introverted. I'm I don't have

794
00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:58,960
a great It's not that I don't have a great

795
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:00,760
track record. I think I try too fast and then

796
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:03,320
I get burned quickly, or you know, sometimes I do

797
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,639
the burning. I'm not going to act like I'm innocent here.

798
00:40:05,719 --> 00:40:09,000
Sometimes I do shitty shit and friendships end too. I'm

799
00:40:09,039 --> 00:40:10,519
not just going to be like I'm a victim and

800
00:40:10,519 --> 00:40:11,599
I'm gonna be any bubble button.

801
00:40:11,599 --> 00:40:11,639
Speaker 2: No.

802
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,360
Speaker 1: Sometimes I fuck up and I am the reason of

803
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:18,840
friendship ends, and I will take that squarely and accountably.

804
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,679
But I just don't have that much patience for people

805
00:40:21,679 --> 00:40:24,360
and their fuck shit anymore. So Yeah, we'll see. I

806
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:27,760
don't know. I'm I'm super excited. I'm most excited to

807
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:29,639
be on the road. I think, you know, I'm on

808
00:40:29,679 --> 00:40:32,159
the road through June with Reina, and then hopefully we'll

809
00:40:32,159 --> 00:40:35,639
do like a little European summer moment mister Manhattan is

810
00:40:35,639 --> 00:40:38,440
going to be so busy making bagels, and I am

811
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:40,320
going to be on the road. So it's going to

812
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,079
be nice to have a home base that's just like

813
00:40:42,119 --> 00:40:47,239
feels peaceful and mellow and chill. Okay, we are going

814
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:51,159
to get into word of the week, like where are

815
00:40:51,159 --> 00:40:54,639
we at for time? H forty forty Okay, we're going

816
00:40:54,639 --> 00:40:56,559
to get into word of the week and then me

817
00:40:56,599 --> 00:40:58,840
and Mike are going to tax some Schmidt.

818
00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:01,639
Speaker 2: Oh, go ahead, I thought I was doing enough already.

819
00:41:03,199 --> 00:41:08,320
Speaker 1: No, okay, what letter do you want the word to

820
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,840
start with? L? Okay?

821
00:41:15,119 --> 00:41:21,000
Speaker 2: H I J K L before I am?

822
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:34,679
Speaker 1: I know I okay, there we go. Ooh ooh okay,

823
00:41:35,519 --> 00:41:40,119
do you know lascivius? You don't? Lascivious is a good one.

824
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:43,400
L A S C I V I O U S lascivious.

825
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:47,760
It's an adjective. It means wanton or lustful. That which

826
00:41:48,199 --> 00:41:56,039
excites sexual desires is lascivious. Grandmother Jones, upon being informed

827
00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:59,159
that the dancers at the club had done a can

828
00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:06,719
can for us denounce such lascivious goings on? Lacious?

829
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:11,519
Speaker 2: Someone's taunting somebody?

830
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:16,639
Speaker 1: Is it? Biggie Biggie's taunting Wrigley. Oh my god, what

831
00:42:16,679 --> 00:42:18,320
are you gonna do without us? Mike? Are you gonna

832
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:22,000
fucking miss us? Or what? Of course you're not. You

833
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:22,880
don't like me.

834
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:25,440
Speaker 2: There's no where else am I going to get the

835
00:42:25,559 --> 00:42:26,760
estrogen in this office?

836
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:32,559
Speaker 1: I know, I know, Mike. I gotta say. I was

837
00:42:32,599 --> 00:42:34,320
really proud of you for coming to my party, my

838
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,599
going away party, and hanging for as long as you did.

839
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:39,679
While I know, I really thought you were going to

840
00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:41,800
be like, Okay, see you later, and then I thought

841
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:43,639
you were gonna irish eggsit, which you might have done.

842
00:42:43,719 --> 00:42:46,480
Speaker 2: No, I said goodbye, but I looked at George and

843
00:42:46,519 --> 00:42:48,840
I said to him, I'm about to irish eggs at

844
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:50,679
this thing. And then I saw my opening. I was like,

845
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:52,960
I'm going to irish eggs at everybody.

846
00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:56,039
Speaker 1: But no, I was proud of you guys. You both

847
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:57,199
stuck it out.

848
00:42:57,639 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 2: Well, I'll tell you exactly what happened.

849
00:42:59,559 --> 00:43:01,559
Speaker 1: Georgia, want to go? If you weren't going, I already

850
00:43:01,679 --> 00:43:03,760
know I'm not made leave.

851
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:07,639
Speaker 2: Okay, Uh, there's back. I had about eight hundred dollars

852
00:43:07,639 --> 00:43:10,960
on the line for fantasy football back to back touchdowns

853
00:43:11,039 --> 00:43:14,000
right before halftime by the one person who was just

854
00:43:14,119 --> 00:43:17,400
fucking me in the ass that day. Okay, So I

855
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,480
said like, yeah, I can't be here and be nice

856
00:43:20,519 --> 00:43:23,519
to anybody. This wight be This won't be healthy, This

857
00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:27,239
will be me being as spas about nothing in front

858
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:28,000
of strangers.

859
00:43:28,039 --> 00:43:30,360
Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing. It's not nothing. It's eight hundred dollars.

860
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:34,000
And here's the other thing. If you can't take the heat,

861
00:43:34,079 --> 00:43:36,840
get the fuck out the kitchen. You can't be gambling

862
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:39,679
eight hundred dollars if you can't be fine with losing it.

863
00:43:39,679 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 2: It was the championship. It wasn't me losing eight hundred

864
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,239
dollars is me winning either nothing or winning eight hundred.

865
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:50,039
I see, I wanted the eight hundred dollars and yeah

866
00:43:50,199 --> 00:43:51,599
I really had to white knuckle for it.

867
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:52,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, did you win it? Or no?

868
00:43:53,119 --> 00:43:55,760
Speaker 2: I did? The amount of drugs I need to do

869
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:57,760
in front of the television wasn't something I wanted to

870
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:58,880
do in front of everyone.

871
00:43:59,000 --> 00:43:59,880
Speaker 1: Everyone that you didn't?

872
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, like I know some of you are sober,

873
00:44:02,519 --> 00:44:03,519
but not me.

874
00:44:04,559 --> 00:44:08,480
Speaker 1: Well, not a lot of people are not sober. Present

875
00:44:08,519 --> 00:44:11,679
company didn't have the beer there that I wanted, But

876
00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:12,320
I had beer.

877
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 2: Oh I didn't know that.

878
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:15,760
Speaker 1: Oh, my god, I had beer for you. I had

879
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:17,079
a whole drawer full of beer.

880
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,840
Speaker 2: I didn't assume that there was I bought.

881
00:44:19,639 --> 00:44:22,159
Speaker 1: One shitty bottle of wine for Reina, and then I

882
00:44:22,199 --> 00:44:26,159
bought you beer. Nobody drink my beers. There's I still

883
00:44:26,199 --> 00:44:27,039
have a whole drawer full.

884
00:44:27,239 --> 00:44:28,719
Speaker 2: Hey, you know what you can bring tomorrow?

885
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 1: Beers. I'll bring them.

886
00:44:30,519 --> 00:44:30,880
Speaker 2: I will.

887
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,280
Speaker 1: I will absolutely bring them because otherwise they're just going

888
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:34,119
in my trash.

889
00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:34,679
Speaker 2: Nice.

890
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:41,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, they were corona hei hei. So Mike, tell us

891
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:43,480
your big goals for twenty twenty six.

892
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:49,239
Speaker 2: Ooh, to start doing more stuff besides podcast. I like podcasts,

893
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:52,239
but I also like expanding into other work and stuff.

894
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:55,039
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're writing right now. You're working on something exciting.

895
00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:58,280
Speaker 2: And I will tell you as I write a lot

896
00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:00,519
of things at the bar just to get out of

897
00:45:00,559 --> 00:45:03,039
the house and out of disk because I'm just always

898
00:45:03,079 --> 00:45:06,679
here and be writing some smut at the bar, and

899
00:45:06,719 --> 00:45:11,639
I don't realize that people are ship. I was like,

900
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:15,400
I canna scroll up on my Ipadt's see what I'm writing.

901
00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:18,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're writing the text. It's not my fault. Your

902
00:45:18,559 --> 00:45:20,920
dick can't get hard. And someone's sitting over there like

903
00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:26,159
what are you writing? Yeah, sir, sir, sir, okay, well

904
00:45:26,199 --> 00:45:26,760
that's exciting.

905
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:29,559
Speaker 2: One person walk up though and say are you coding

906
00:45:29,679 --> 00:45:32,880
right now? Yes? Yes, yes, yes.

907
00:45:35,199 --> 00:45:39,000
Speaker 1: Do you want an accountability buddy for writing to get

908
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:39,400
it done?

909
00:45:39,519 --> 00:45:41,159
Speaker 2: Okay? I thought you're talking about, like for drinking your

910
00:45:41,199 --> 00:45:41,599
drugs or.

911
00:45:41,559 --> 00:45:46,199
Speaker 1: Something like, I have accountable Yeah, I will drink and drug.

912
00:45:46,079 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 2: Drink three beers and get my pages out of the bar.

913
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:51,000
Very clean system, and it is excellent.

914
00:45:51,559 --> 00:45:54,159
Speaker 1: It's a very clean system. If anyone wants to find Mike,

915
00:45:54,239 --> 00:45:55,280
he's at what bar.

916
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:59,639
Speaker 2: Pins bowling Alley, and I'd go there because nobody's there.

917
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:01,119
Speaker 1: Okay, we'll go find like.

918
00:46:01,079 --> 00:46:04,119
Speaker 2: Seventy five seats and about three people in there. Everyone

919
00:46:04,159 --> 00:46:05,599
else is on the other side bowling.

920
00:46:06,119 --> 00:46:07,800
Speaker 1: Can I tell you when I was in Connecticut, we

921
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:10,599
went bowling on Christmas and I am not a good

922
00:46:10,639 --> 00:46:14,400
bowler at all, but I had one game where every

923
00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:19,079
single all ten I either yeah, no, no, no, all ten

924
00:46:19,159 --> 00:46:24,000
because it's rounds right, like attempts whatever, I either got

925
00:46:24,079 --> 00:46:27,400
a strike or a spare. Nice except for two of them.

926
00:46:27,519 --> 00:46:29,599
So eight out of ten that's pretty good.

927
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:33,639
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like upper like that's almost two hundred probably yeah,

928
00:46:33,719 --> 00:46:34,199
somewhere else.

929
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,119
Speaker 1: Well it was close, was it quite?

930
00:46:36,159 --> 00:46:39,639
Speaker 2: But it's hard to get to two hundred though. Yeah.

931
00:46:39,679 --> 00:46:41,400
Speaker 1: It was very exciting for me. I was like, well,

932
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:42,960
I didn't know that I was so good at this.

933
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:45,920
Do you bowl or do you just right?

934
00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't. I have never bowled there once.

935
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:52,239
Speaker 1: Really such an interesting place to go to drink if

936
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:53,159
you're not going to bowl.

937
00:46:53,559 --> 00:46:56,039
Speaker 2: I knew a person at a different bar, and then

938
00:46:56,119 --> 00:46:59,840
she started working at that bar, and I go where

939
00:46:59,880 --> 00:47:01,000
they don't charge me for beer.

940
00:47:01,079 --> 00:47:03,480
Speaker 1: Oh, I see you. I am My dad used to

941
00:47:03,519 --> 00:47:05,360
work at a bowling alley and he got really mad

942
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,800
ones and he threw the pin down and it bounced

943
00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:09,519
back up and it hit him in the face and

944
00:47:09,599 --> 00:47:14,639
knocked his front tooth. Oh, Charlie's front tooth is fake.

945
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,519
Charlie and I we we got into it. We got

946
00:47:18,519 --> 00:47:20,400
into it. I tell you. He called me and told

947
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:23,920
me my comedy is not funny. Oh yeah, I was.

948
00:47:24,039 --> 00:47:25,719
Oh yeah, I almost canceled the whole party.

949
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:26,639
Speaker 2: I remember the fallout.

950
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,760
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, he called, he apologized, he called, He's like

951
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:33,519
I'm sorry. He just he was like confused. And I

952
00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:35,719
have this joke. It's an old joke about how when

953
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:38,159
he gets drunk he says the N word whatever, and

954
00:47:38,199 --> 00:47:40,559
he's just like, I was at the chop site and

955
00:47:40,599 --> 00:47:42,360
this guy came up to me and started talking to

956
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:43,960
me about it, and you know, I was like, what

957
00:47:44,039 --> 00:47:46,199
if the guy over there hears it? And I'm like,

958
00:47:46,639 --> 00:47:49,039
you just say it's fake. You just say everything I'm

959
00:47:49,079 --> 00:47:50,679
saying is fake. And he's like, well, the other joke

960
00:47:50,679 --> 00:47:52,599
I didn't like is the one about you having abortions.

961
00:47:52,599 --> 00:47:55,320
I was like, I've never had an abortion. That's fake.

962
00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,519
I'm just talking shit. Comedians get on stage and lie.

963
00:48:00,599 --> 00:48:03,320
But yeah, so we're better now. He felt bad that

964
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:05,199
he made me so upset.

965
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:08,719
Speaker 2: The amount of dudes who'd be arrested for crimes if

966
00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:11,639
they like the things they say on podcasts that like

967
00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:15,639
didn't happen. Like I sit here watching other people's clips

968
00:48:15,639 --> 00:48:19,679
and stuff, and sometimes like some famous people's clips, and

969
00:48:19,719 --> 00:48:25,119
I'm just listening. I'm like, somebody's done that, but you haven't. Yeah.

970
00:48:25,119 --> 00:48:27,440
I listened to one recently of a guy talking like yeah,

971
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:30,039
and then we all trick these guys and then if

972
00:48:30,039 --> 00:48:32,360
we don't like them, we'd all beat them up and

973
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:35,199
like just jump these guys, like it was a regular thing. Yeah,

974
00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:37,079
you and your frack guys that I'm looking at. This

975
00:48:37,119 --> 00:48:44,159
guy's like someone does that not you? Yeah? Yeah, good

976
00:48:44,199 --> 00:48:49,840
story though, get your clicks. The person doesn't line up.

977
00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:51,960
Speaker 1: We're all just sitting here talking ship, you.

978
00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:55,079
Speaker 2: Know, like me telling stories about and then there's three

979
00:48:55,119 --> 00:48:57,320
girls and they just couldn't keep their hands and.

980
00:48:57,800 --> 00:49:02,199
Speaker 1: They were all at the same time. Yeah, don't worry

981
00:49:02,199 --> 00:49:06,360
about logistics. It happened. Okay, A while I was drying,

982
00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:12,079
he was there. Do you have a dog camp for

983
00:49:12,119 --> 00:49:13,280
Wrigley when you're not with him?

984
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:14,800
Speaker 2: Why am I not with ra?

985
00:49:15,079 --> 00:49:15,559
Speaker 1: That's true.

986
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:16,679
Speaker 2: No, I don't know.

987
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:17,599
Speaker 1: I was thinking about that.

988
00:49:17,639 --> 00:49:19,679
Speaker 2: I should change that. I just got a camera for

989
00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:23,360
the office today. That was my Christmas gift from the family,

990
00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:25,320
and I think it's so nake look at.

991
00:49:25,159 --> 00:49:28,159
Speaker 1: The hilarious I'm trying to decide because I'm on the

992
00:49:28,239 --> 00:49:30,920
road so much and I want I miss Biggie.

993
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:31,079
Speaker 2: Now.

994
00:49:31,119 --> 00:49:33,280
Speaker 1: I'm like he's at that age where like anytime I'm

995
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:37,079
not with him, I like physically hurt. I'm trying to

996
00:49:37,119 --> 00:49:38,840
decide if I should get a dog cam or if

997
00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:40,760
that feels like invasive.

998
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,760
Speaker 2: Well, if you're looking at the dog cam to see

999
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:48,920
anyone but the dog, then it's probably weird. Is it

1000
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:50,719
going to be something that you feel like you'ld ever

1001
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:51,480
check up? No?

1002
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:53,800
Speaker 1: No, no, I don't. I honestly, if someone's gonna cheat

1003
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:54,960
on me, they're gonna cheat on me. I'm not going

1004
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:57,960
to find out through a dog camera. I don't care,

1005
00:49:58,079 --> 00:49:58,599
but I'm just.

1006
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:01,360
Speaker 2: I will say. They make ones where you can like

1007
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:04,199
actually talk back and whistle and say something to your dog.

1008
00:50:04,239 --> 00:50:07,039
I think there's somewhere you can even give him treats, like, well.

1009
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:08,880
Speaker 1: I want it. Mostly I want to know what the

1010
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:11,480
fuck he's doing when I'm gone, because there are certain

1011
00:50:11,519 --> 00:50:13,800
things that he gets into and knocks over, and I'm like,

1012
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:16,360
how did he even get up there? Like he'll every

1013
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:19,000
time I leave him knocks over my laundry basket, even

1014
00:50:19,039 --> 00:50:21,079
if it's full of laundry and it's so heavy, it's

1015
00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:23,679
like forty pounds of laundry, and he just pulls it

1016
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:25,840
over and drags everything out, and I'm like, in what

1017
00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:28,639
world he's like a little bodybuilder.

1018
00:50:29,519 --> 00:50:32,239
Speaker 2: So that's how I figured out my old dog, Jacks.

1019
00:50:32,239 --> 00:50:33,039
Did you meet Jacks?

1020
00:50:33,079 --> 00:50:34,760
Speaker 1: Of course the German shepherd?

1021
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:38,079
Speaker 2: Yeah? Oh, part German shepherd, part yeah, he's a blondie.

1022
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:41,559
He was old yeah, yeah, old Jacks. But I didn't

1023
00:50:41,559 --> 00:50:43,119
when I got him. He would never be on the

1024
00:50:43,159 --> 00:50:46,599
furniture in front of me. Ever. But I couldn't see

1025
00:50:46,679 --> 00:50:48,599
him on the dog cam one time and I was like,

1026
00:50:48,639 --> 00:50:50,880
he's not in his bed, where is he? And like

1027
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:52,760
the camera was low where his bed was and I

1028
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:55,480
could see up across the room. I was like, off

1029
00:50:55,599 --> 00:50:58,920
the couch. Yeah, finally, but I'm talking like six months.

1030
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:00,719
He would never be on the cow in front of me,

1031
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:02,239
so I had to teach him. I was like, I

1032
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,320
know you're getting up on the couch. Get up here

1033
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,280
with me, dude, Like, I want you to be on

1034
00:51:06,320 --> 00:51:08,039
the couch with me. I'm not trying to lay on

1035
00:51:08,079 --> 00:51:08,920
the floor with you.

1036
00:51:09,199 --> 00:51:11,760
Speaker 1: There's nobody else here coming out.

1037
00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:15,400
Speaker 2: I like to trick him and then once he is

1038
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:17,400
old enough to not hear me coming up the stairs

1039
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:19,679
and surprise him, I'll be like, I see you on.

1040
00:51:19,639 --> 00:51:26,199
Speaker 1: The Oh my god. Okay, So you're gonna write more

1041
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:29,599
this year? Last podcasting? Great? Are you going to try

1042
00:51:29,599 --> 00:51:32,360
and get back into making movies?

1043
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:35,960
Speaker 2: Yeah? Well, I don't know if the movie part's gonna work.

1044
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:38,239
It might be more of like TV pilot and try

1045
00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:41,719
and go that route because I think I think making

1046
00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:44,159
a show, Like I told you, I think I want

1047
00:51:44,159 --> 00:51:45,960
to make I want to have all the fans fund

1048
00:51:46,039 --> 00:51:48,039
my first project, and they need to go into that

1049
00:51:48,079 --> 00:51:50,039
work because it's right off for them, Like, yeah, we

1050
00:51:50,079 --> 00:51:52,199
could lose all the money and it would still just

1051
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:55,480
go under their taxes, right right? Who needs HBO to

1052
00:51:55,559 --> 00:51:58,639
finance a project when only fans has more money than HBO.

1053
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:01,360
HBO doesn't exist. They just got bought by Netflix. What

1054
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:04,760
are we talking about, did they? Yeah, well Warner and everything,

1055
00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:09,360
so that's all under the Netflix arm now. So yeah,

1056
00:52:09,840 --> 00:52:11,480
so it's a whole new world when it comes to

1057
00:52:11,599 --> 00:52:13,039
like actually making shit.

1058
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:16,079
Speaker 1: So it's a whole new world.

1059
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:20,079
Speaker 2: Yeah. So I'm gonna try and get them to fund

1060
00:52:20,079 --> 00:52:22,360
half and maybe fund half privately.

1061
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:24,800
Speaker 1: And only fans would fund all of it.

1062
00:52:25,519 --> 00:52:28,280
Speaker 2: Potentially, Sometimes you got to get something in the can

1063
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:31,000
and have a little something going just to prove it

1064
00:52:31,039 --> 00:52:31,800
to them.

1065
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:34,920
Speaker 1: I wonder how my special is doing on there. I

1066
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:37,239
wonder if I would have any pull to go present

1067
00:52:38,519 --> 00:52:41,360
with you. Potentially we can figure that out.

1068
00:52:41,679 --> 00:52:43,960
Speaker 2: We can build a little package of people in there.

1069
00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:47,960
But the trick is, whoever the main girl is like,

1070
00:52:48,079 --> 00:52:50,400
she can't have an only fans account and be an

1071
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:55,280
OnlyFans girl because they need to see her on our

1072
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:58,239
show or else everyone will just go to the girl's

1073
00:52:58,320 --> 00:53:00,679
only fans account that well won't be able to compete with.

1074
00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:05,199
Speaker 1: Okay, you've got your work cut out for you, because

1075
00:53:05,199 --> 00:53:08,079
like seventy eight percent of girls around OnlyFans or something crazy.

1076
00:53:08,119 --> 00:53:14,800
But yeah, okay, Mike, Well, everyone is so sad to

1077
00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:17,519
lose you. Have you seen the comments. I'm like, not

1078
00:53:17,599 --> 00:53:19,119
much of a comment reader, but I've been reading on

1079
00:53:19,159 --> 00:53:21,480
this one because it's like my baby. Everyone's like it's

1080
00:53:21,480 --> 00:53:23,039
a huge fuck up to lose Mike, And I'm like,

1081
00:53:23,039 --> 00:53:26,079
you think I don't know that, you think I'm not

1082
00:53:26,480 --> 00:53:28,519
leaving behind something very valuable.

1083
00:53:28,559 --> 00:53:31,679
Speaker 2: Lose is just such a strong word. If I'm going somewhere, it's.

1084
00:53:31,559 --> 00:53:33,280
Speaker 1: Like I'm I know, I'm here, I know.

1085
00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:35,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's this thing called the internet.

1086
00:53:36,039 --> 00:53:36,400
Speaker 1: I know.

1087
00:53:36,639 --> 00:53:39,679
Speaker 2: These cameras plug in with a USB straight into the

1088
00:53:39,719 --> 00:53:41,840
computer and then I can see you.

1089
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:45,559
Speaker 1: There we go. It's not Mike's not going anywhere. The

1090
00:53:45,599 --> 00:53:50,400
threat any any last things you want to say to

1091
00:53:50,440 --> 00:53:51,760
the besties before.

1092
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:56,000
Speaker 2: We go, be nice to each other as we move forward.

1093
00:53:56,079 --> 00:53:59,440
The internet's a crazy, weird, mean place, and there's no

1094
00:53:59,480 --> 00:54:02,519
reason to get online and spill and take out you're

1095
00:54:02,559 --> 00:54:06,400
crazy on others, Like, we all like comments and we

1096
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:08,639
all want the likes and engagement and all of that,

1097
00:54:08,760 --> 00:54:11,400
because that's what makes us think the internet's run on.

1098
00:54:11,559 --> 00:54:14,960
But really a lot of the over commenting and over

1099
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:19,079
sharing and over everything is just so negative. I'm almost like,

1100
00:54:19,639 --> 00:54:21,920
even the people who do comment, I'm like, oh, are

1101
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:25,639
you insane? I don't know. So the Internet doesn't exist.

1102
00:54:25,719 --> 00:54:27,519
It's a lot of trolls. It's a lot of crazies.

1103
00:54:27,559 --> 00:54:30,599
Don't over engage negatively, and be a nice person when

1104
00:54:30,599 --> 00:54:31,519
you're on the internet.

1105
00:54:32,119 --> 00:54:34,199
Speaker 1: Be a nice person. It's really not that hard.

1106
00:54:34,239 --> 00:54:36,599
Speaker 2: And a nice person period, not just on the Internet

1107
00:54:37,599 --> 00:54:38,079
in life.

1108
00:54:38,159 --> 00:54:43,079
Speaker 1: Be a nice person. It is funny. Trolls are funny.

1109
00:54:43,199 --> 00:54:44,920
I mean they're funny. You got to give it to them.

1110
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:47,679
They're wasting a lot of energy just to put negativity

1111
00:54:47,679 --> 00:54:51,239
towards someone that's like trying to do something productive. But

1112
00:54:51,280 --> 00:54:55,519
it's I laughed at this one. Recently with my latest special,

1113
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:59,880
someone made a Reddit thread being like, how did you

1114
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:03,079
guys like Britney Schmid's new special and then nobody responded,

1115
00:55:03,599 --> 00:55:05,400
and then they're like, I'll go first. I didn't like,

1116
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:10,679
I really laughed. I was like imaginating someone so much.

1117
00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:13,519
You start the thread, you wait there for people to

1118
00:55:13,559 --> 00:55:15,320
give a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck, and you're like,

1119
00:55:15,360 --> 00:55:19,039
I'll go first. I fucking it. Oh my god, you

1120
00:55:19,079 --> 00:55:23,000
guys be kind Mike. I love you so much. Thank

1121
00:55:23,039 --> 00:55:25,400
you for everything you've done for the show. I'll I'll

1122
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:28,159
miss you. But it's it's what is it? What do

1123
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:29,960
they say? It's not goodbye? To see you later?

1124
00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:30,519
Speaker 2: Sure?

1125
00:55:32,039 --> 00:55:35,400
Speaker 1: All right, guys, all right, besties, love you so much.

1126
00:55:36,039 --> 00:55:39,199
This is my last episode filming from LA So the

1127
00:55:39,239 --> 00:55:42,679
next time you see me, maybe, if everything goes according

1128
00:55:42,679 --> 00:55:45,400
to plan, I'll be in Palm Beach in my apartment

1129
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:48,719
filming there, and Mike will be there virtually if everything

1130
00:55:48,719 --> 00:55:53,119
goes according to plan, and Biggie will be there also. Okay,

1131
00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:56,159
I love you guys, See you next week.

1132
00:56:06,519 --> 00:56:06,559
Speaker 2: M