Speaker 1: And you know what that music say, Yes, sir Amus,
that music say good health to all.
Speaker 2: From rex All.
Speaker 3: Be Amos and Andy Show Transcribed written by Joe Connelly
and Bob Moser, featuring Ernestine Wade, Johnny Lee, Amanda Randolph, Roy,
Glenn Corney, Anderson, Lillian Randolph, Jeff Alexander's music Yours Truly
Harlow Wilcox and starring radio's all time favorites Freeman Gosden
and Charles Correll. Amos, Sandy, how do you do, friends,
I'm Freeman Gosden. There's one subject of conversation I always
join in, and that's the subject of vitamins. Because when
I hear the word vitamins, I just have to interrupt
with two words that come right into my mind.
Speaker 2: Rex All plenimens.
Speaker 3: They are the vitamins we have at our house and
the ones I always recommend my friends. So when you
think about vitamins, remember rex All plenimens. That's pl E
N A M I N S plenimens. Ask for them
at any rex All drug store. Well, once again our
friend Andy Brown was engaged, but as has happened so
many times in the past, the romance.
Speaker 2: Stopped short of the altars. Yes.
Speaker 3: When the girl found out that Andy had no money,
no job, and no ambition, romance went out the window.
Right now, it's the topic of discussion at the home
of George Kingfish Stevens.
Speaker 4: Here you'll turn them down ready to also stuff.
Speaker 5: Well, personally, I can't see what any gal I see
and Andy Brown in the first.
Speaker 6: Place, can you, mom? No, I don't ain't.
Speaker 5: Nothing but a big back uncouth's unconscious boots.
Speaker 2: Well, I don't know. And the secret with women's neither.
I don't know whether.
Speaker 4: He smooches his way up to down level or smooches
them down.
Speaker 2: To his level.
Speaker 6: What's your move?
Speaker 4: Well, I can't see gals go in the tunnel of
love looking at Andy like red riding Hood looking at
the wolf, and come on to other end looking at
him like Joe de Mash Joe looking at Marlyn Monroe.
One of the things that works fast in the dog
than that boy as a groundhog.
Speaker 6: Well, I don't.
Speaker 5: Blame any gals for not wanting to marry Andy. He
ain't got no job, no ambition, no nothing.
Speaker 4: Well, the boy realizes that's always been the stumbling block
on his road of the room man, So he is
the site of the chair. I'm just laughing, and get
yourself a steady.
Speaker 6: Job, A steady job. I better workshin.
Speaker 4: Ain't even trying, Oh goody trying. He left his name
with all the informed at decisions. Everyf noon he's been
taking his nap with his head right by the telephone.
Speaker 6: Well.
Speaker 5: The big trouble with Andy Brown, if he ask me,
is that he's girl crazy, always chasing after five or six.
Speaker 6: Girls at once. Nothing on his mind but girls, girls, girls. Yes,
he's just like every man. That's what they all got
on their mind.
Speaker 2: How do you wear the minute at Mama? All man's
there like that?
Speaker 5: Oh yes, sees, yes, they is even samphire. This sweet
father was that way wonderful as he was. Every once
in a while I could tell he was dreaming about
a girl.
Speaker 2: How could you tell that, Mama? Did he talking to sleep?
Speaker 6: He do, but a couple of times a month I'd
catch him sleeping with a smile on his face.
Speaker 5: At night, and then next morning at breakfast, I find.
Speaker 6: Brown glass in my mill.
Speaker 1: Yeah, kingfish, I've been sitting here in the lodge hall
reviewing all.
Speaker 2: The chances I had to get married.
Speaker 4: Eh, you miss getting the church more times than a
Sunday golfer.
Speaker 2: Didn't you you think I ever gonna get married? Kingfish?
Speaker 4: Well, and here you are serious a lot of girls,
But well, don't wait too much longer.
Speaker 2: Boy, Getting married when you're old man, you know ain't
no good. It ain't huh no. It's like training for
years to win a hundred yard dash.
Speaker 4: Didn't find it out. You ain't got enough streak to
accept the trophy. I've had a lot of chances, all right.
You know I've been figuring it up.
Speaker 1: And you know in my lifetime I've been here Gage
sixty two times, and thirty four of them was the
Madam Queen.
Speaker 4: Boy, Yeah, Madam Queen, the love of your life.
Speaker 2: Tell me, boy, there was a time, dadded, I think
you was gonna get en up? You lad it up
with her? What really done? Broke that thing up? Give
me the low down over there, all right?
Speaker 1: I never told us so nobody else, King Fish, But
three days before the wedding I rescovered she wasn't all
she pretended to be. We were sitting on her sofa
in the living room and it was a hot June night,
so I reached over and turned on the electric fan.
Speaker 2: Next thing I knowed.
Speaker 1: I was sitting there smooching with a ball headed old lady.
Her hair was going with you win. Huh yeah, she screamed,
jumped up to grab her tupe, and her whalebone stays
let loose by her waistline spread out like chicken fat on.
Speaker 2: A hot griddle to be paul and floated.
Speaker 1: Huh yeah, right then and there I recited, I didn't
want no wife to look like a kangaroo with a
butch haircut.
Speaker 4: Whoa, he's done pop back in your life on other
occasions since then, Asian boy.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I heard from it once in a while,
you know, threatening letters, poison pen postcards, things like that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, they love to touch you.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: She never really forgave you thought for jiltingly, did you know?
Speaker 1: And the worst thing she's done was back in nineteen
thirty nine she read a letter to the FBI saying
that I was the brains behind the German American bun.
Speaker 2: Tell me something. Whatever happened to the Sowero monster.
Speaker 1: Well, last thing I heard she was back around New
York here somewhere, going around with some big shot or something.
Speaker 4: Well that's one thing about Anna.
Speaker 2: You gotta hand it to us.
Speaker 4: She always attracting men, always had some fellow on the string.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know what there was about Madam Queen.
Speaker 1: She was fat and homely and had a nasty disposition
and a personality like an alligator. Six days out of seven,
you knowed what she had was nothing. But somehow on
Saturday night she had the knack of making.
Speaker 2: You think you had a big week.
Speaker 4: Well, my wife's tough. I has all them colleges too,
twenty three years of marriage. I ain't never run into
a Saturday night you see.
Speaker 1: Well, I'll tell you I was lucky that Madame Queen
is out of my life. The only thing I was
interested in now is getting the job.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I.
Speaker 4: Trust you was approaching the subject with great caution.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, I don't put an ad in the paper. Yeah,
I'll read it to you.
Speaker 1: I gotta say, big, strong, alert and intelligent man looking
for employment, prey for non walking work such as desk
job or chauffeur.
Speaker 2: Reason sore feats all that water nine seven five nine eight.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a nice sounding there, And i'd be careful
about the saffey.
Speaker 2: I ain't showing a good job. Well, most of the.
Speaker 4: Time, and of it, I don't apply it for a
schurevar's job once and it turned out to be driving
a hurse.
Speaker 2: I really left that job in a hurry, he did.
Huh huh.
Speaker 4: Come well, one night, on the way up the woodlawn,
somebody started backseat driving on me.
Speaker 7: Alert and intelligent man looking for employment prefers work as chauffeur.
Call at water nine seven five ninety eight. Honey, I'm
only gonna be gone a few days. You don't need
no chauffeur.
Speaker 8: But look, Rocket, I need somebody to drive me around
in that big old Cary.
Speaker 6: And when I seen this ad, I thought it was
a wonderful chains.
Speaker 7: You ain't thinking of using this as an excuse to
get mixed up with a man while I'm away.
Speaker 9: Are you?
Speaker 6: Of course not, Honey, You are wait so jealous.
Speaker 7: Well, all right, I'll call this number and arrange the
interview with this fellow. But I don't want no nonsense.
Don't forget you rock a riding this gal Now.
Speaker 6: Rocket, you got to get over this violent jealousy.
Speaker 7: I can't. But you told me about all the boyfriends
you had up here in New York years ago.
Speaker 6: Oh but honey, everything's changed since then.
Speaker 5: That's when I was young and frivolous and everybody called
me Madam Queen.
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Speaker 11: Fella call say coming over here in a view in
if for a job and say it'd pay two hundred
dollars a worth.
Speaker 2: I wish that boy and it was here he could.
Uh yeah, maybe i'll come out.
Speaker 3: How do you do.
Speaker 2: My name is Rock Ridingy.
Speaker 7: I'm looking for a fella here who advertised to take
a chauffeur's job.
Speaker 2: Oh, yes, was right there, the boy here right now.
But I was just business manager. I could have a
deal for him. Well, I'll tell you what I want.
Speaker 7: You see, I'm gonna be out of town, and I
got a girlfriend who has a rove and I was
she is, and I don't want to put no temptation
in her ways. So I want a chauffeur who's unattracted
and stupid. In other words, a big, ugly lunkhead with
the brains of a moron. Now what's this fellow like?
Speaker 4: Well, I think if we brightened him up a bit,
he might just feel your requirements.
Speaker 7: Well, it sounds just like what I'm looking for.
Speaker 2: What I want is a real goon. Oh he's a
real goon.
Speaker 1: King Pike.
Speaker 4: Well, come in brother here, we were just talking about you.
This man is the one that they answered you add.
Speaker 7: This is the fella.
Speaker 2: He looks kind of bright to me. Oh no, no,
it's just the way the.
Speaker 4: Afternoon sun glances off the cusper door then gives the
boy the look of intelligence over in the corner there
and then let the man get the full benefit of
your ugerness. He he a beautiful mess over.
Speaker 2: There, King pace, What is all this about? But now
look and I'll go explain it to you. And listen.
Speaker 4: Mister Rodney here is going away on a trip. He
wants the chauffeur that his galfriend ain't gonna make no
play for him. The job pays two hundred dollars a month,
but unless the fella is really stupid, he ain't gonna
get the job. Now what did you say to that,
mister brown?
Speaker 2: Blaha? Here is your boy, I don't know who is.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I guess he'll do. My girlfriend wouldn't go for that. Uh,
you report the nach mcgarride's first thing in the morning,
eyes another thing. And when you're on the job in
fish she speaks to any other man. I want you
to keep your eyes open. I'll be there to take
care of that. Yeah, when I'm on this business trip,
I don't want her in the back seat, smooching with
no stranger.
Speaker 2: I'll be there to take care of that.
Speaker 4: Yes, I'll have to.
Speaker 2: Now what was there not a Oh?
Speaker 4: I just just playing his stupidity. Oh, he gonna make
you a good show for mose.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, yeah, Now, I don't forget keep your eyes
open if I find out she has anything to do
with any other man. When I get through, tanem apart,
he's gonna be pushing up daisies in three different states.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, wow, i'd show hate to have trouble with
that boy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but you better watch yourself so his girlfriend of
his might be a real sweet petuti you know.
Speaker 2: Oh listen, kant fish on this deal. I don't care
what you look like.
Speaker 1: Smooching is out that fellow ready to tear me apart.
I ain't gonna be able to work up enough pucker
to whistle. God bless America. Well this is the apartment
where they say to bring the car. Thanks for writing
over with the Kingfish.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well word, the shore Will is a beautiful catalog.
You got your in, Oh yeah, I got all the
latest features.
Speaker 4: Tell me this is you met his girlfriend here?
Speaker 1: No, no, the garage told me that madame called him
and said to bring the car around madonn.
Speaker 4: Uh yeah, there must be one of them higher class.
Speaker 2: Old uh down witchers to check the back seatures, see
if everything's in order. Yeah, Op'm up the door there.
Let's look in there. Boy, that's place looking at it.
Oh what a car. Look what a luxury that is. Yeah,
this is one of the say, Kingfish, you get away
for the perfume in here? Yeah h.
Speaker 3: H.
Speaker 2: She must be an older woman.
Speaker 4: Smells like Chanel number five with overtoons of saloons liniment
in there.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: You know something, Kingfish, There is something awful familiar about
that scent. I associates that scent along with the sound
of breaking bones and a wild ride and the patrol wagon.
Speaker 4: Yes, your imagination. And oh say there's a woman's pocketbook on.
Speaker 2: To see it? Yeah, well hand it tomm me, Kingfish.
I'll handle girl when she come down. Make a m print. Lay? Yeah, well,
how you like that?
Speaker 4: When I picked it up, the thing snapped open right
in my head?
Speaker 2: Here look at that.
Speaker 1: Now wait a minute, Kingfish, wait, listen, na.
Speaker 4: As long as the thing is opened, you might as
well get a line on who you working for here.
Speaker 2: Look, Kingfish, I wouldn't do a sneaky thing like that.
What's in there?
Speaker 4: Let me see here, false eyelash, a raisin for him,
a bill can opener, re a little sport.
Speaker 2: Didn't you? Wait?
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, here's something she must collect, pitchers, animals.
She ain't got a picture of a bull moose here.
Speaker 2: In the wallet.
Speaker 4: Let me see, no, no, any that's a driver's license.
There's a human being there in it. Them things on
her forehead there in auntless them as whats in there?
Speaker 2: This is definitely a woman.
Speaker 1: Let mean, let me see this thing in the light
is holy mackerel, king fish. This ain't no human being.
This is Madam Queen.
Speaker 4: Madam Queen is Rocky Rodney his girlfriend, and you working
for her and.
Speaker 2: It this is murder king fish. I'm gonna get out
of here.
Speaker 4: Mine say, well, look what's coming out of the building
just to the teeth.
Speaker 2: Oh me, it's Madam Queen. I'd know that nasty wattle
anyplace else. Take fish, don't leave me, don't come out,
oh me?
Speaker 6: Here she comes all right, chauffa. I wants to take
a drive.
Speaker 8: Up to Connecticut, and then I want wait a minute,
who is this here?
Speaker 6: Why is that no good, Handy Brown.
Speaker 1: Now, look, madam Queen, I didn't know what you was
going to be working for. And don't start hollering. I'm
quitting right away.
Speaker 6: Quinton, Oh, I know you don't, Andy Brown. I done
waited twelve years to get even with you. You gonna
stay on this job, driving for me and calling me
my domb.
Speaker 1: I ain't taking no orders from you, you old nanny goat.
Speaker 2: I ain't have nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1: I finished with you years ago. I wouldn't look at
you if you were the last woman in the world.
Speaker 6: But I wouldn't look at you if you are the
last man on earth. I hate and despises you. But
you gonna stay on this job so I can get
even with you.
Speaker 1: Well, I hate and despises you, and I ain't gonna.
Speaker 6: Do it listening, Andy Brown, either, you drive from me.
I'm telling my boyfriend.
Speaker 8: Rocket all about what you've done to me years ago.
Speaker 6: Now what you're gonna say bout that?
Speaker 9: Uh fe too, Madam Frank's Frank, This is Rocky call
from Chicago.
Speaker 7: I want you to do me a favor.
Speaker 2: Anything you say, Rocky, and look.
Speaker 7: I hired a chauffeur to drive the old girl around
while I was away. I got a sneaking suspicion. You know,
I got to thinking about the guy, and I don't
trust him. I want you to watch the both of
them for me, Watch him Rocky, Yeah, trail them every
place they go, you know, and give me a full
report when I get back.
Speaker 2: We'll do You don't trust this joke for huh?
Speaker 7: Well, he seems harmless enough, but he's got the same
looking in his eye as an Irish setter looking at
a butcher shop window.
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Speaker 4: Well Hands making a note with his first day on
the shover's job that was sudden him in enough working
for Madame Queen, the one woman he really is.
Speaker 2: Oh boy, this is well, I'll gogon. Yeah, Calhoun, King Fish,
I gotta.
Speaker 3: Talk to you.
Speaker 2: I gotta talk to you, Macron. I ain't never seen
you this upset? What's the matter?
Speaker 6: Call Fish?
Speaker 2: I just heard something, and the minute I heard it,
I heard it over here. The second I got the news, I.
Speaker 6: Scurried over here like a place I ain't never heard
nothing that worried me like this?
Speaker 12: What is it?
Speaker 2: Calhoun?
Speaker 6: Well, it's the thing, is Well, how are you like that?
Speaker 12: Between the hurrying, whirrying and scurrying, I never forgot what
I excited about.
Speaker 4: Now look here, when your fleas, calm down, slow down,
now it must be something important.
Speaker 2: Wait a minute, now, wait a minute.
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll come back to me and
now I'm good and they're.
Speaker 2: Gonna get killed? Uh what do you mean by that? Calhoun? Well?
Speaker 4: He he done got that job driving for Rock Rock
and his girlfriend, and it turned out to be Madam Queen,
getn't it? Yeah? And he also is supposed to keep
an eye on her, and here she get interested in
the other fella.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, well that's it. While Handy keeping his eye
on Madam Queen. Rock Rodney got a guy keeping his
eye on Andy. And I slow down here? Where did
you hear this Calhoun? Down at the pool halls?
Speaker 8: Some fellow named Frank is out following him right now.
Speaker 2: Well that don't matter.
Speaker 4: And he ain't got no use from Madam Queen after
all these years. And she ain't got no use Frndy.
Speaker 12: Yeah, but you know how Andy is around girls. Man,
that boy's a real food smoocher. No, Calhoun, it couldn't happen.
That is all over and done with.
Speaker 4: It's just a job Dandy anyway, Madam Queen is getting
too old for romance.
Speaker 2: Well, I hope so for Andy, Sy, But don't forget Kingfish.
Speaker 12: Many a house is done burnt down after the furnace
has been banked?
Speaker 2: Is this beeed all right for you? Madam?
Speaker 8: It's a lot better brown, But don't you try no
fancy stuff.
Speaker 6: You always was a new good driver.
Speaker 2: Yes, madame.
Speaker 6: You know I'll never get that.
Speaker 8: Time you took me to that large picnic. You almost
kill me with your crazy driving on the way up there.
Speaker 1: Man, I'll never forget that picnic neither. We was going
canoe and and you done stepped off the dock and
went right through the bottom.
Speaker 2: Of the canoe.
Speaker 6: Well, I'll give you credit for one thing. You did,
dive right in and pull me out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember, I done hauled you out on the shore,
and you was unconscious. I put my mom around your
waist and give you artificial respiration for twenty minutes before
I could bring you to Well.
Speaker 8: I got a confession. I was only unconscious for ten minutes.
Speaker 1: Why is you let me keep giving you artificial respiration?
Speaker 6: Honey? I know the good thing when I saw it down.
Why are you slowing down?
Speaker 2: Well? I thought that you and me could.
Speaker 6: Brown remember your place?
Speaker 2: Keep driving, Yes, madame.
Speaker 6: Why I should be drenched in a boom like you?
Speaker 8: I got everything I waltz now big carn A wonderful boyfriend.
Speaker 2: Yes, madam.
Speaker 6: Hm.
Speaker 8: And to think I ever had anything to do with you,
it never was nothing but a no good two timer.
Speaker 2: Yes, madam.
Speaker 8: And I never will forget that time you went to
the hospital for operations.
Speaker 6: I had a nurse for you, had and paid for
all that wonder brugs to make you well. And the
next day when I came to the hospital, you was
chasing the nurse up and down the halls on my penicillin.
Speaker 2: Two more shots and out a corner too.
Speaker 6: You the first time you come in my beauty shop
for manicure, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Boy, And what a manicure you used to give you
was the cutest cutie dollar I ever clipped the cuticle.
Speaker 7: And it was that.
Speaker 6: All sitting. Then I guess you was the Sheik of
all times. Then, yeah, Brown, what is you slowing down again?
Speaker 3: For?
Speaker 2: Well? I had thought that like the old days, wickered.
Speaker 6: Brown, that's all in the past. Keep your mind on
your driving.
Speaker 2: Yes, madam.
Speaker 1: Another thing, Madam, I noticed there's been a car behind us.
You think they could be following us?
Speaker 6: Oh, don't be silly, keep on driving, Brown.
Speaker 2: Is you ready to go home now, Madame?
Speaker 6: In a minute, Brown, I wants to sit and watch
this sunset. This is the favorite spot where me and
mister Rockney always talks. Well, guess I'm ready to go home. Now,
where get the car started?
Speaker 1: What you waiting for for you to get off my
lap so I can get in the front seat.
Speaker 6: Oh, and.
Speaker 2: Don't you try to lie to me, baby Frankie.
Speaker 6: Seeing you what Rocky, don't you don't mean with his
old friend?
Speaker 2: Huh?
Speaker 7: I know that sooner later i'd catch you something like this, Rocky,
what you're gonna do? I've waited for five years for
something like this to happen. I'm taking my gun and
going over and see this handy Brown all.
Speaker 2: Rocky, is you sure we are safe up here? Amas? Oh?
Speaker 4: Yeah, take it easy, and there you are safe up
here in your own room.
Speaker 2: Oh man, this is terrible. I didn't know we was
being followed. Yeah, but and I after all these years,
did you have to make a plea for Madam Queen again? Oh?
Speaker 1: I don't know, Amos. I guess it's like when you
get to taste for olives. It's hard to keep away
from the refrigerator. I tell you, Andy, Oh, that must
be the King Fish. He's the only one that knows
I was hiding up here. Come in, hire, King Fish,
Holy mackerel, it's Rock Rodney.
Speaker 2: Hello, bron Now death admitted miss Rodney. You ought to
be careful. What shut up you? Yes, sir, yes, Brown.
Speaker 1: You see this gun and I look, myster look, I
didn't mean nothing with Madame Queen. I am never going
to see you again, honest, I won't never.
Speaker 2: See it again. No, brother, You're gonna see you have plenty.
What you mean.
Speaker 7: I've been trying to catch on a spot like this
for very good reason you asked for five years. I've
been trying to ditch Joe. Go you marrying Madame Queen.
If I have to hold this gun on you all
through the salmony. Oh, there's no faster acting aspirin made. Yes, friends,
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Speaker 4: Don't forget ladies and gentlemen to visit your rex Al
family drug store.
Speaker 2: Thank you and good night. See you next Sunday.
Speaker 13: For the one woman in ten with sensitive skim, there's Karenome.
The beauty aids that are hypoallergenic, carefully come pounded a fine,
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Speaker 3: I'm sold at rex Al drug stores everywhere. Be sure
to be with us at the same time next Sunday
when your rex Al Druggist will again present the Amos
and Andy Show, transcribed and directed by Cliff Hall. Stay
tuned for the Edgar Berg and Charlie mccazey program, which
follows immediately over most of these same stations.
Speaker 2: This is the CBS Radio Network.