WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.440 I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.359 demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I AM six forty. 4 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:11.640 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 5 00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:14.240 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, and I am taking your calls 6 00:00:14.279 --> 00:00:19.440 and answering your dms on Instagram. The number is one 7 00:00:19.480 --> 00:00:22.480 eight hundred and five two zero one five three four. 8 00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:25.399 Just a reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology 9 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:28.000 professor at cal State Channel Islands. But I've written three 10 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:32.679 books on relationships and wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, 11 00:00:32.719 --> 00:00:37.600 and I've had a whole lot of life experience. All right. 12 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:40.719 One eight hundred and five two zero one five three four. 13 00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:42.759 Producer Kayla, Who do we have? We have Steve with 14 00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:43.759 the question is Steve? 15 00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:44.520 Hello? 16 00:00:44.600 --> 00:00:45.840 Steve is doctor Wendy. 17 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:50.719 Hey, doctor Wendy. My question is I have never been 18 00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:54.679 faithful to one girlfriend slash wife ever in my whole 19 00:00:54.799 --> 00:01:00.240 entire life. I'm always looking for the next person. Am 20 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:02.159 I what am I? What's what's going? 21 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:06.519 What do you think? Well, that is a very big 22 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:09.920 question for you and your therapist to spend months digging 23 00:01:09.959 --> 00:01:13.959 into the real question is, uh, do you want to 24 00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:16.319 change or is this okay for you? Or you know? 25 00:01:16.359 --> 00:01:18.840 No, no, I would like to have somebody do I 26 00:01:18.879 --> 00:01:21.599 actually like and like? But it seems like that I 27 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:25.280 get a I start dating somebody, and I'm like, eh, 28 00:01:25.319 --> 00:01:27.959 and they just never go away, and then I go 29 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:30.400 to the next one and then like, But like I said, 30 00:01:30.439 --> 00:01:31.799 I've never been faithful. 31 00:01:32.040 --> 00:01:34.920 So you've never been faithful with any woman that you've 32 00:01:34.920 --> 00:01:39.599 ever been with. Have you been married? I have been married, 33 00:01:39.640 --> 00:01:40.719 You've been married, and you are. 34 00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:43.519 I cheated on her before we even got married. 35 00:01:43.879 --> 00:01:48.159 Wow. And now the research, by the way, and again, 36 00:01:48.519 --> 00:01:51.920 you don't necessarily have to change unless you really don't 37 00:01:51.959 --> 00:01:55.359 like that you're hurting people. But I don't care if 38 00:01:55.359 --> 00:01:58.120 I hurt people. Honestly, you don't care if you hurt people, 39 00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:00.640 because I was going to say that the research that 40 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:04.680 compares men who are monogamous with men who are not monogamous, 41 00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:09.039 the big thing that keeps men monogamous is empathy and 42 00:02:09.080 --> 00:02:12.639 compassion for their partner. Worried so much I don't have 43 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:16.319 hurt you don't have, and so what do you want? 44 00:02:16.439 --> 00:02:18.840 Because it sounds like I mean, the only advice I 45 00:02:18.879 --> 00:02:22.479 would give you. You know, the human beings have the widest 46 00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:25.879 range of sexual behavior of any primate species. Right, Some 47 00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:31.520 have multiple partners and some are completely monogamous and everything 48 00:02:31.560 --> 00:02:34.520 in between. I think the most important thing is that, 49 00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:39.000 just from a purely moral standpoint, is that you're honest 50 00:02:39.400 --> 00:02:42.520 with your partners instead of this it sounds like you're 51 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:46.199 in this pursuit of perfection, instead of saying, this is 52 00:02:46.240 --> 00:02:48.159 who I am, and I'm going to find partners who 53 00:02:48.199 --> 00:02:51.360 are willing to have open relationships with me, because in 54 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:53.919 this day and age that's very common. You just put 55 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:56.400 it in your dating profile and you'll find your peeps. 56 00:02:56.599 --> 00:02:56.800 Right. 57 00:02:57.199 --> 00:03:00.840 So the question is are you looking for monogo or 58 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:05.919 you feel satisfied or are you looking to maintain multiple 59 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:07.759 relationships in a more honest way. 60 00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:13.560 If I could find something that I'm comfortable with, monogamy 61 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:16.800 is no problem for me. But I just haven't found 62 00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:19.960 the right one. And I've gone through about fifty And 63 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:20.439 you use. 64 00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:25.360 The word comfort and uncomfort and discomfort, So what is 65 00:03:25.400 --> 00:03:28.919 the discomfort that makes you want to have sex with 66 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:29.639 other people? 67 00:03:31.280 --> 00:03:35.680 Like even the littlest thing like can irritate me sometimes 68 00:03:35.680 --> 00:03:38.360 and I'm just like, I can't, like, I can't sleep 69 00:03:38.360 --> 00:03:40.919 in the same bed with somebody for more than like 70 00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:42.719 two hours. I have to kick him out. 71 00:03:43.400 --> 00:03:45.439 Even when you're married, you got your own bed. 72 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.560 Well, it's been twenty five years since I was married, 73 00:03:48.680 --> 00:03:51.520 right since, So it sounds like twenty five years. 74 00:03:51.639 --> 00:03:56.400 It sounds like intimacy is not your thing, not physical intimacy, 75 00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:59.520 not emotional intimacy, which is separate from sex. By the way, 76 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:03.479 sex is a drug, right, So it sounds like that 77 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:07.080 amount of closeness you find something wrong with somebody to 78 00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:12.960 protect yourself from the threat of intimacy. Intimacy is being 79 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:17.360 close enough to somebody where you can see their flaws 80 00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:20.399 and still like them, and also knowing that they can 81 00:04:20.439 --> 00:04:25.279 see your flaws and you still like yourself. Right, that's 82 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:28.800 real intimacy. I would suggest if this is bothering you, 83 00:04:29.240 --> 00:04:33.079 or it's causing ruptures in your life or your social life, 84 00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:35.319 that you seek a licensed therapist to get to the 85 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.079 bottom of it, because a lot of it was programmed 86 00:04:38.120 --> 00:04:40.480 in childhood for all of us, and maybe finding those 87 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:43.240 answers might set you free. Thank you for calling, Steve. 88 00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:46.680 I really appreciate your honesty, all right, do we have 89 00:04:46.720 --> 00:04:48.639 another caller? Or am I moving on to social media? 90 00:04:49.319 --> 00:04:53.120 Social Okay, Dear doctor Wendy. Every time I try to 91 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:57.800 talk about our future, kids, moving, etc. My boyfriend change 92 00:04:57.879 --> 00:05:00.439 is the subject. How do I bring it up without 93 00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:05.360 pushing him away? There are many ways that people communicate. 94 00:05:06.120 --> 00:05:10.639 Sometimes they communicate with words. Sometimes they communicate with their 95 00:05:10.680 --> 00:05:16.759 bodies body language. Sometimes they communicate with silence. I think 96 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:19.839 you got your answer. When you talk to him about 97 00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:22.319 a future and wanting to have kids, or wanting to 98 00:05:22.360 --> 00:05:25.439 move in together or whatever, and he changes the subject, 99 00:05:26.120 --> 00:05:31.199 his answer is not with you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry 100 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:33.959 be the deliver of bad news. But you have to 101 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:37.120 pay attention to that kind of communication. Then you have 102 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:41.120 to say, I don't think we have the same goals 103 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:44.199 in life. We may not have the same values, so 104 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:46.759 it's probably best that we part ways. You know, the 105 00:05:46.839 --> 00:05:50.120 hardest thing about love is being able to break up 106 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:53.560 with somebody who's inappropriate, because there is this belief, as 107 00:05:53.560 --> 00:05:56.199 I've said, that it's the last man on the planet. 108 00:05:56.800 --> 00:06:00.000 He's not the last man on the planet, I promise you, 109 00:06:00.199 --> 00:06:02.079 But I don't think he wants the same things you 110 00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:05.399 do in life. So all right, producer Kayla. Who do 111 00:06:05.399 --> 00:06:08.360 we have on the line. We have Susan with the question. Susan, Hi, 112 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:09.600 Susan is doctor Wendy. 113 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:15.839 Hi, doctor Wendy. My question is is I suffer from 114 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:22.759 very deep depression and anxiety. Oh, how do you? How 115 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:28.800 do you maintain a relationship with anxiety and depression? 116 00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:33.439 Okay, So, Susan, thank you so much for sharing with 117 00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:37.959 me that you suffer from depression and anxiety. The most 118 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:43.079 important thing is that you seek therapy to get the 119 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:46.879 help that you need to heal. There is start with 120 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:50.240 your insurance. Go onto your insurance's website. If you don't 121 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:53.839 have insurance, you can go to medical who will pay 122 00:06:53.879 --> 00:06:57.240 for all kinds of therapy for you. There are really 123 00:06:57.279 --> 00:07:02.480 affordable therapy. One is called in Pathways in Los Angeles, 124 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:06.040 who does on a sliding scale. But you need to 125 00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:10.879 be an intensive therapy for your depression and your anxiety 126 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:14.959 because it is not the job of somebody else to 127 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:19.560 make you happy. Right relationships, The research is pretty clear. 128 00:07:19.639 --> 00:07:24.959 Happy people have happy relationships. And I feel that all 129 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:28.079 of these things can be addressed. That there are treatments 130 00:07:28.120 --> 00:07:31.040 out there, but you've got to reach out. You've got 131 00:07:31.040 --> 00:07:33.560 to do what you need to to get the treatment 132 00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:37.639 for depression and anxiety. And I'm so sorry you're hurting, Susan. 133 00:07:38.040 --> 00:07:40.600 But it's not a relationship that's going to fix it, 134 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:43.439 that's for sure. You've got to start out from a 135 00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:47.680 better place, a more whole place inside, all right, when 136 00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:52.240 we come back. Never thought that if you choose a 137 00:07:52.279 --> 00:07:56.759 mate who's most like you in many ways that things 138 00:07:56.800 --> 00:08:00.759 will go great. Well they will, but it actually could 139 00:08:00.839 --> 00:08:04.079 hurt society. I'm gonna explain when we come back. You 140 00:08:04.120 --> 00:08:06.959 are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI 141 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:10.240 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 142 00:08:10.680 --> 00:08:14.879 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 143 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:16.040 AM six forty. 144 00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.360 Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walsh Show on KFI 145 00:08:19.439 --> 00:08:23.920 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So 146 00:08:25.639 --> 00:08:32.159 Ever heard the saying that opposites attract well, In reality, 147 00:08:32.360 --> 00:08:37.919 similarity is sexy, and people are more often likely to 148 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.919 choose a mate that's most like them at least that's 149 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:45.279 linked to longer, more satisfying relationships. But this can be 150 00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:50.039 good or this can be bad. So, for instance, I 151 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:52.720 think Julio and I are pretty similar. Julio and I 152 00:08:52.840 --> 00:08:56.759 are both extroverts, although I do talk more. We're both 153 00:08:56.799 --> 00:08:59.960 pretty educated, and we value education and gaining new inform 154 00:09:00.440 --> 00:09:04.440 like we're thinkers, right. We both love the outdoors and walking, 155 00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:08.320 Thank goodness. I once had a boyfriend who said I 156 00:09:08.440 --> 00:09:13.639 hate walking, walking the most basic human action. Anyway, Hulu 157 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:15.679 and I love to walk. We walk all the time. 158 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:17.879 We like to travel, we like to talk. We walk 159 00:09:17.879 --> 00:09:21.039 and talk and walk and talk a lot. But we 160 00:09:21.080 --> 00:09:24.159 met later in life, so we didn't have kids, so 161 00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:30.679 our assortative mating choosing somebody similar to you isn't dangerous 162 00:09:30.679 --> 00:09:37.279 for society. So what is assortative mating? It is the 163 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:41.679 fact that individuals tend to pair up with people who 164 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:45.759 are similar, well obviously similar, like in age, education, income, religion, 165 00:09:45.840 --> 00:09:51.320 or even physical traits. And this can happen completely by design, consciously, 166 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:57.679 or it can be completely unconscious, but it can influence 167 00:09:57.720 --> 00:10:02.639 all kinds of things I mentioned, relationship satisfaction, social mobility, 168 00:10:03.200 --> 00:10:07.120 and even genetic diversity. Let's break it down. Okay, so 169 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:11.759 assortative mating, so you choose somebody who's like you, maybe 170 00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:15.799 your same age, race, the same value system the same 171 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:18.879 amount of education, et cetera. So a study out of 172 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:22.480 the Netherlands looked at how people select potential partners on 173 00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:26.120 dating apps, and they found that people with higher education 174 00:10:26.279 --> 00:10:29.879 levels are more likely to choose profiles indicating that that 175 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:33.480 partner has higher education. In fact, there are apps for that. 176 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:35.879 I think there's one called the League, like implying that 177 00:10:35.919 --> 00:10:38.600 you all went to an ivy league. That's all about 178 00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:44.600 assortative mating. Another study looked at how personality traits influence 179 00:10:44.679 --> 00:10:48.440 partner selection on dating apps, and they found that people 180 00:10:48.519 --> 00:10:51.279 tend to pick others with similar personalities, like I said, 181 00:10:51.320 --> 00:10:55.519 Hulu and I are both extroverts right now, Then there's 182 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:59.559 the sexual strategies and made value. The other research looked 183 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:04.679 at the interplay between people's mating strategies and their perceived 184 00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:07.759 mate value, and so they found that, well, I'm gonna 185 00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:10.159 go do now because I'm gonna saying this forever, people 186 00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:15.440 with short term mating orientation and higher perceived attractiveness were 187 00:11:15.480 --> 00:11:18.480 more likely to match with also, hot people who just 188 00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:21.159 wanted to hook up. Basically, I mean, there's real cycle 189 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:23.840 babble to describe that, but we'll just call it hot 190 00:11:23.840 --> 00:11:26.360 people who also wanted to hook up, and those people 191 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:31.080 with long term mating orientations tended to choose partners who 192 00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:33.519 shared the same thing. Now, if you are somebody who 193 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:36.320 proclaims that you would like a long term relationship, but 194 00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:39.399 you keep finding that you only meet people that want 195 00:11:39.399 --> 00:11:42.879 short term relationships, that has and you'll say things like 196 00:11:42.919 --> 00:11:44.799 my pickers off or I don't have a good picker. 197 00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:48.799 That often has to do with attachment style and attachment anxiety. 198 00:11:48.879 --> 00:11:51.639 And that's something to talk to your therapist about. All right, 199 00:11:51.639 --> 00:11:56.399 here's the bad news. Assortative mating, especially by education and income, 200 00:11:56.720 --> 00:12:01.799 has been shown to contribute to growing economic inequity in 201 00:12:01.840 --> 00:12:06.039 our culture. Sure, it can lead to more stable and 202 00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:09.279 compatible relationships on a personal level, but when we're talking 203 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:14.120 about society as a whole, it actually can reinforce or 204 00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:19.320 even widen gaps between the social classes. And here's why. 205 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:22.240 So let's say two people who both make a pretty 206 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:25.240 good living and are pretty educated. They come together and 207 00:12:25.320 --> 00:12:28.399 their double income high earners, and what do they do. 208 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:33.440 They concentrate wealth, right, so they're more likely to own 209 00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:38.200 property together, to invest in assets, and they accumulate generational wealth. 210 00:12:39.240 --> 00:12:42.120 On the other hand, people in lower income couples or 211 00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:46.159 single earner households have fewer opportunities to build wealth, and 212 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:51.559 that's what widens that income gap. Educational stratification. So college 213 00:12:51.639 --> 00:12:55.279 educated folks are increasingly like to likely to marry somebody 214 00:12:55.320 --> 00:12:57.919 else who went to college, and this creates a divide 215 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:01.919 between households with two college degrees, which means access to 216 00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:05.919 higher paying jobs. And also then their kids are more 217 00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:08.679 likely acculturated to go to college. So I happen to 218 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:13.159 teach at California State University, Channel Islands Go Dolphins, and 219 00:13:14.360 --> 00:13:16.559 I think from the last statistic I saw, we're about 220 00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:19.840 like sixty nine percent Latino female first in their family 221 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:23.200 ever to go to college. We call those first gen. Now, 222 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:27.080 these are super important students, these first gen students, because 223 00:13:27.159 --> 00:13:31.279 by changing the educational level in a family, making it 224 00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:34.120 normal the norm within the family to go to college, 225 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:37.159 that first one to start to do that starts to 226 00:13:37.279 --> 00:13:41.519 rise up the entire family and future generations and indeed 227 00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:46.840 communities as a whole. So my grandparents on my dad's side, 228 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:49.519 where my mother did not go to college because her 229 00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:52.919 dad didn't believe in educating girls. On my dad's side, 230 00:13:53.960 --> 00:13:57.039 they were farmers and college was kind of unheard of. Now, 231 00:13:57.080 --> 00:13:59.519 my dad was smart, so he was first in his 232 00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:01.960 family to go to college. And here's the loophole that 233 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:04.840 he used with his very Catholic mother. But let me 234 00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:07.759 go get a degree in philosophy and then I'll enter 235 00:14:07.799 --> 00:14:10.639 the seminary and I'll be a priest, and a good 236 00:14:10.759 --> 00:14:12.960 educated priest will be better. Now, back in the day 237 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:17.120 now we're talking about the nineteen forties or fifties, having 238 00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:19.720 your firstborn son become a priest was the biggest deal 239 00:14:19.799 --> 00:14:22.519 in the world. A firstborn daughter was supposed to be 240 00:14:22.679 --> 00:14:26.720 a nun. And yes, my aunt to Emily's sister Emily 241 00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:30.399 did that. So my dad finishes his degree, and then 242 00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:32.080 he goes to his mom and he tries another trick, 243 00:14:32.120 --> 00:14:34.720 and he goes, look, let me just join the navy 244 00:14:34.840 --> 00:14:38.840 for a year, and then when I come back, I'll 245 00:14:38.840 --> 00:14:41.000 go into the seminary with my degree, and I can 246 00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:43.720 enter the navy as an officer. So you know, it's 247 00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:45.639 not gonna be dangerous. I'm gonna be fine. You know, 248 00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:47.080 I'll make a good living. I'll come back in a 249 00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:50.399 year after I see the world. She says, yes, he 250 00:14:50.440 --> 00:14:53.000 comes back. You know, twenty two year old boy with 251 00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:56.480 a thirty year old bleach blonde from the city my mother. 252 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:00.159 I had always heard that my grandmother didn't like my 253 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:03.399 mom so much. Now I kind of know why. Okay, So, 254 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:10.360 assortative mating moon right along, reduces upward mobility. Right So, 255 00:15:10.440 --> 00:15:13.559 if you're stuck in a lower income bracket with your partner, 256 00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:16.519 it's harder for the two of you to move forward, 257 00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:20.039 and the outcomes for kids. So high income, high education 258 00:15:20.200 --> 00:15:22.600 parents they invest more time and more money into their 259 00:15:22.679 --> 00:15:27.720 kids development, extracurricular activities, tutors, better schools, et cetera. And 260 00:15:27.799 --> 00:15:31.879 this enrichment gives kids a really strong competitive edge in 261 00:15:32.039 --> 00:15:35.600 education and career opportunities. So, but that's only part of it. 262 00:15:36.039 --> 00:15:40.440 Assortative mating also reduces genetic diversity. Look, I just did 263 00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:42.559 twenty three and meters recently, no a while ago, a 264 00:15:42.559 --> 00:15:45.120 few months ago, and I found out that I'm one 265 00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:47.840 hundred percent Irish. This is like embarrassing. Okay, they might 266 00:15:47.879 --> 00:15:51.799 as well have just sent back basic white bee back. 267 00:15:53.879 --> 00:15:57.320 Think of it. Both my parents' ancestors came over during 268 00:15:57.360 --> 00:16:00.000 the Great Potato Famine, and they both landed on islands 269 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.840 where they made it with cousins. I mean, I'm lucky. 270 00:16:01.879 --> 00:16:03.440 I don't have three heads. Just want to say that. 271 00:16:04.240 --> 00:16:08.559 But one of the problems with a assortative mating is 272 00:16:08.600 --> 00:16:12.200 that you don't have as much genetic diversity, which is 273 00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:18.039 really important because we need to have We can't be homogenized, 274 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:25.360 right it can. It's dangerous for our health to inherit 275 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:29.720 inherit similar kinds of genes, and we need to we 276 00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:31.360 need to mix the gene pool so we'll have a 277 00:16:31.360 --> 00:16:36.360 better future. So okay, bottom line, Well, assortative mating might 278 00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:39.679 feel like easy and then the relationship is compatible and 279 00:16:39.720 --> 00:16:45.440 you have shared values. It unintentionally can create a wide 280 00:16:45.480 --> 00:16:48.200 gap between the haves and the have nots in society. 281 00:16:49.240 --> 00:16:51.440 So my thing is day outside your comfort zone. Mix 282 00:16:51.519 --> 00:16:55.000 and match, right, mix and match. I'm lucky. I mixed 283 00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:58.639 with my kids. My children are Irish, Canadian, African American. 284 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:02.440 I finally mixed up that gene pool. Whew, I did it. Hey, 285 00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:03.799 when we come back, if you're a woman of a 286 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:06.519 certain age trying to figure out what your next big 287 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:11.079 act is, I have an author and coach who is 288 00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:16.000 going to help you find your diamonds. In her new book, 289 00:17:16.279 --> 00:17:20.640 Finding your Diamonds, Heal the Girl and the Warrior appears. 290 00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:23.319 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI 291 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:26.319 AM six forty be live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 292 00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:31.799 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 293 00:17:31.880 --> 00:17:32.839 AM six forty. 294 00:17:34.119 --> 00:17:36.759 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 295 00:17:36.839 --> 00:17:41.640 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My 296 00:17:41.799 --> 00:17:45.359 guest is someone who has been spending a great deal 297 00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:50.480 of her life helping women transform their own lives. I've 298 00:17:50.519 --> 00:17:53.559 actually been honored to be a guest on her podcast, 299 00:17:53.960 --> 00:17:57.079 Conversations with Warrior Women in the past, although now it's 300 00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.359 called The Liz What Oh, I'm gonna say ye wrong? 301 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:00.640 Liz? 302 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:01.920 How do I pronounce your last name? 303 00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:02.160 Love? 304 00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:08.440 Swatik swatik Like I'm gonna swatick you out of my 305 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:10.319 way so I can go forward to be a warrior 306 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:16.519 right Swatik Liz Swatik. Liz is a healer and rapid 307 00:18:16.640 --> 00:18:22.799 transformation coach. Rapid I love that word, and she basically 308 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:28.359 is all about resilience and when she, just like myself 309 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:32.680 as a journalist, brings knowledge to the masses, it is 310 00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:38.799 from the worlds of neuroscience, human design and sometimes mastering 311 00:18:38.920 --> 00:18:44.400 our own illogical, irrational, and downright wrong beliefs. Liz Swatik, 312 00:18:44.519 --> 00:18:46.519 thank you so much for being with us. 313 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:49.240 Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. 314 00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:52.839 I am curious to know how you found your own 315 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:56.440 passion and what you did before this that led you 316 00:18:56.559 --> 00:19:00.559 to this place of being a healer and transformation coach. 317 00:19:01.799 --> 00:19:05.359 Well, the better question might be what haven't I done. 318 00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:07.759 That I know? 319 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:11.519 Oh my gosh, I have been. I was a stand 320 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:16.200 up comedian, I was an actress. I was in luxury marketing. 321 00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:18.960 I had a social media company that I ended up 322 00:19:19.319 --> 00:19:22.200 selling because it was just too much for me. All 323 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:24.680 this to say, I think, you know, you hit a 324 00:19:24.680 --> 00:19:27.079 certain age. I'm fifty five, Double Nickel, just had my 325 00:19:27.079 --> 00:19:31.119 double Nickel birthday, Happy birthday. I thank you. I think 326 00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:33.599 when you, you know, when you're in your forty fifty sixty, 327 00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:36.119 you start to realize, you know, maybe the things you 328 00:19:36.160 --> 00:19:38.680 were doing before, just because you're good at it, doesn't 329 00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:42.079 mean you want to keep doing it right. And I 330 00:19:42.119 --> 00:19:44.759 think I learned that and I kind of hit a 331 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:48.319 wall at forty nine and I realized I'm not I'm 332 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:51.119 just kind of going along just doing kind of whatever 333 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:54.400 comes to me. I'm not really making these choices that 334 00:19:54.440 --> 00:19:56.319 I want to make. And then I had some guilt 335 00:19:56.319 --> 00:19:58.519 and shame about the pack that I'd done. I felt 336 00:19:58.559 --> 00:20:00.759 like I was the Jane of all trades and the 337 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:04.279 master of none. You know, I've done everything and had 338 00:20:04.279 --> 00:20:08.240 some success. But really now when I look back on it, 339 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:12.480 now it seems like this beautiful mosaic my whole life. Now, 340 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:16.039 everything I'm doing now I use every single thing I've 341 00:20:16.079 --> 00:20:20.119 ever done in my coaching and my healing. It's almost 342 00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:22.839 like Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz, like I went 343 00:20:22.839 --> 00:20:26.039 down the yellowick road, and here I am and I 344 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:29.759 have arrived. So it's I think I was always curious 345 00:20:29.799 --> 00:20:33.359 about transformation. I think I've always been curious about healing 346 00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:37.480 and transforming and changing and evolving, and I think now 347 00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:39.480 I get to do it for a living, and that 348 00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:40.559 just is amazing. 349 00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:45.039 Well, what's interesting is I think often of my own 350 00:20:45.119 --> 00:20:49.200 media work. I think of that wonderful saying from is 351 00:20:49.240 --> 00:20:53.240 It from Jonathan Livingston Seagull in that book where he says, 352 00:20:54.359 --> 00:20:58.240 we teach best what we most need to learn, and 353 00:20:58.319 --> 00:21:01.200 for people like you and I, Liz, who are extroverts, 354 00:21:01.240 --> 00:21:06.440 who process externally. As we are going through our own life, 355 00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:10.640 navigating of life, we're like shouting it from the rooftops 356 00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:13.160 for people like, oh my goodness, this is what this 357 00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:15.359 is how you do it. Look, I'm doing it and 358 00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:19.440 it sounds like you went through your own transformation to 359 00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:21.440 get to this place to want to share it with 360 00:21:21.640 --> 00:21:22.599 other warrior women. 361 00:21:23.880 --> 00:21:27.160 No, that's exactly right. It's because I have walked this 362 00:21:27.319 --> 00:21:31.759 path that I am an expert in transformation. And also, 363 00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:35.119 you know, I'm also an expert of getting knocked down 364 00:21:35.160 --> 00:21:36.920 and getting back up again, which I know you are 365 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:41.319 as well. I think that's kind of you know when 366 00:21:41.359 --> 00:21:43.119 people come to me like, well, Liz, I can't do 367 00:21:43.160 --> 00:21:46.400 it because I'm going through this or this, and I think, yes, 368 00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:48.920 I've done that, Yes me too, uh huh, Yes, I've 369 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:51.319 heard this, you know. So I think because I've been 370 00:21:51.319 --> 00:21:55.759 through so many things, everything from infertility to marriage issues too. 371 00:21:55.799 --> 00:21:58.200 I've got a child with a physical difference, I've got 372 00:21:58.839 --> 00:22:02.559 a child with ulteris. I mean I have things, you know. 373 00:22:02.680 --> 00:22:05.640 I've had a kiddd a HD who's struggled through high school. 374 00:22:06.039 --> 00:22:09.079 I've had so many things. So I think because I've 375 00:22:09.079 --> 00:22:11.720 had so many things. I have a unique way of 376 00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:16.759 using my stand up comedy, using my humor, and really 377 00:22:16.960 --> 00:22:21.200 understanding where women are in midlife and they what the 378 00:22:21.319 --> 00:22:24.480 unique challenges are of that zone. 379 00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:27.119 And I don't need to tell you that we are 380 00:22:27.200 --> 00:22:30.559 a very unique species in that we are the only 381 00:22:30.599 --> 00:22:33.880 one of three species on the entire planet that has menopause, 382 00:22:34.359 --> 00:22:38.759 a time of a woman's life where she is wise, experienced, energetic, 383 00:22:38.920 --> 00:22:44.240 fun and also sterile and evolution. Mother Nature was so 384 00:22:44.359 --> 00:22:47.480 perfect she was she created the stage of a woman's life. 385 00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:51.559 I believe. Well. Evolutionary psychologists would say to help nurture 386 00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:55.119 the next generation, but that includes getting involved in politics, 387 00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:58.319 building businesses, building charities. That's all nurturing the culture. We 388 00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:02.960 become costodians of the culture because we now have the 389 00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:05.880 time to do that. But figuring out it sounds to 390 00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:08.720 me like the people who follow you and read your 391 00:23:08.720 --> 00:23:10.960 work and listen to your podcast are people who are 392 00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:16.200 trying to figure out how to create that important meaning 393 00:23:16.599 --> 00:23:19.240 during that special third of their life. Am I right? 394 00:23:20.480 --> 00:23:23.400 You're one hundred percent right? I call it legacy work. 395 00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:25.759 I think a lot of women think of legacy of 396 00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:28.920 what happens after we're gone. I believe that we live 397 00:23:28.960 --> 00:23:33.119 our legacy now in our thoughts are actions, how we 398 00:23:33.160 --> 00:23:35.920 make people feel, how we feel, all the choices that 399 00:23:35.960 --> 00:23:39.960 we're making every single day is leaving a legacy. And 400 00:23:40.559 --> 00:23:43.599 I lead women to that many different ways. But the 401 00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:46.599