Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, this is nor Confuse
know More with your hosts, doctor and evangelist Hey Rich,
helping you to admit what you feel in order to
heal from the mix of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings
do matter.
Speaker 2: Good morning, Good morning, good morning. How you are doing
out there? I pray that you all or having a
blessed and wonderful day. I pray that your week last
week has been stress free, narcissistic free, abuse free so
far this week rather and not the remainder of this
week will continue to be so as well. But if not,
we're gonna be talking about a few things today again.
My name is doctor ko Rich or nark Abuse No More.
Where we're here to help you admit what you feel
in order to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse,
because your feelings do matter, yesday do. But before we
go on with today's podcast, I like to it to
let you know that we're on every Monday, Wednesday, and
Friday at ten am Eastern Standard Time, not am Central.
That's ten am Eastern Standard Time, not am Central, or
you can check us out at the time of your choice.
That's the great thing about podcast is if you're at work,
if you're busy, if you're not a to come on
and get on at the time that we actually aired
is always in the archives. So again that's every Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday on various platform speaker Our, Heart Radio, Spotify, Google, iTunes,
I can't think of all the other platforms. Apple podcasts, Yeah,
Apple podcasts, So you can check us out on various platforms.
All right, excuse me, what are we talking about today?
We're talking about narcissistic enablers. Narcissistic in ablers. Yes, the
narcissists often times have to have someone that's going to
support their behavior. Rather this person knowingly or unknowingly does it.
It always allows the narcissists to continue their behavior in
creating a toxic environment, and so it can be difficult
to break free from this when you're dealing with someone
that's enabling you or enabling the narcissists to continue that behavior.
Speaker 3: So narcissistic enablers, who are they?
Speaker 2: These are people who protect the narcissists. They support the
unhealthy behavior of the narcissists and oftentimes they don't understand
what the impact of their actions are. They could be
family members, they could be co workers, they could be
friends or associates, but they provide the narcissists with the
validation that they crave because if you do not address
the issue, if you do not address the issue, then
you are endorsing the issue.
Speaker 3: And let me repeat that, if you do not address
the issue, the bad behavior, then you are endorsing it
rather normally or unknowmally. So this relationship with this enabler
is oftentimes with a lack of boundaries. It has this
codependency dynamic with it. So the enabler feels responsible for
the narcissist happiness. Okay, so they feel like, well, if
I don't make the narcissist happy, or if I don't
create an atmosphere that brings happiness to the narcissist, then
I'm not doing my job. And this is what then
enabler actually feels is that they feel like they're responsible
for the narcissist happiness instead of actually making the narcissist
be responsible for their own actions. So I want to
give you some signs of a narcissistic.
Speaker 2: Enabler, because if you have dealt with the no narcissists,
you have maybe been the enabler yourself, or there's other
people that are around you that have been an enablers,
enablers with this narcissist. So number one, one of the
signs when you're dealing with an enabler of a narcissist
is they tend to ignore or minimize the problem. They
tend to ignore or minimize the problem, and so enablers,
they will downplay the real issue that's at hand, or
the severity of the issue at hand. Rather it's whatever
type of behavior that this narcissist is operating in. Rather
it's verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or whatever they're doing. Then
abler tries to minimize it by saying, oh, well, you
know what, it's not as bad as it seems, or
they're not that way every day, or you know what,
it's not really them, they're just stressed out or whatever.
So they come up with a lot of excuses for
this for this narcissist. And it's not healthy when you
have someone that minimizes the abuse of what the narcissist
is handing out, because it's actually abuse. As I often
say on this podcast, abuse comes in various forms, and
narcissists abuse their victims in various ways.
Speaker 3: So then abler tries to minimize it.
Speaker 2: So if you are the victim of a narcissist, then
if you have an enabler around you, they will try
to make you feel as if you know what, well,
just look at the good side of them. They're not
all bad. Oh they don't do this all the time. Oh,
they're just in a bad mood. Oh they'll be okay
in a few days. They minimize the damage that's been
done to you because they're really they're wanting to see
the good things within this person, but they're minimizing the
horm or not really even even understanding the damage that
it does to the victim. Each time, excuse me, each
time this victim has to enter this relationship with this person,
because what happens is that, as we talked about before
and we're gonna talk about again, the cycle of abuse,
and what happens is that it's a cycle. It's like
you're on a constant roller coaster. Is like you getting whiplash,
even where times are okay for a while, and then
it starts escalating and then you have this big bam,
this event that takes place, the big blowout, and then
it calms down, and then it goes back through it again.
It doesn't matter if it happens once a week, once
a month, once a year. You're still in this never
ending cycle. And you will stay in this never ending
cycle until you decide to jump off, until you decide,
you know what, I've had enough. I'm no longer gonna
allow this person, regardless of then abler trying to make
you feel like, hey, you have this. You know it's
not as bad as it seems. Yes, it is as
bad as it seems. It only takes one one time
for someone to do something like, for example, verbal abuse
to send you spinning emotionally. Only one time. You may
have been you know, it may you may have gone
a long time without any events occurring, and then that
one time would send you spinning. It's just like an alcoholic.
It only takes one greed of one grease lord, one drink,
one drink to send them off the bandwagon. And you
don't want that to happen to you. Another sign of
an enabler is they have a blind sense of loyalty.
So they have this unwavering support for this narcissist, and
this is what caused them to minimize or downplay the
harmful behavior that has been done to the victim, and
an enabler could be the victim. You may be this
enabler that has allowed the narcissists to continue to abuse, misuse,
the value in all these things, and then you try
to downplay it to you talk to yourself, well it's
not as bad, or I can you know, I can
deal with it, or I can take it, or I'm
strong enough. And then you continue in this because sometimes
you feel like, well if I don't, I'm weak. But
you're not. You're strong when you say enough is enough,
prove it. You know, being in an abusive relationship doesn't
make you strong. I mean it doesn't. It doesn't make
you strong, and it doesn't say that you're weak. What
it says is that I don't know my value. So
you when you leave this or decide, you know what,
I'm no longer gonna take this from this individual, that's
your strength right there. To make a conscious chick used
to say enough is enough. It doesn't matter where the
abuse is coming from. It could be a parent, it
could be a sibling, it could be a spouse, it
could be a boss, it could be a so called friend.
Your strength is being able to say, you know what,
enough is enough. I will no longer allow this person
to abuse me, because that's what narcissists do. They abuse,
and then they try to make you feel like you're
the one that's causing a harm when it's actually them.
Another thing, excuse me have a cold to day? Another thing,
when it comes to narcissism enablers, they try to avoid conflict.
They try to avoid conflict. Now, you know, as Christians
we're to be peacemakers, and yes, absolutely by all means.
As Paul said in the Bible, that be at peace
with all men as much as it relies on you.
But guess what, when you're dealing when you're dealing with
the narcissists, it's not even about you. It's about them.
Regardless of how you try to be at peace with
the narcissists, the narcissist is always gonna come around with
the abuse because abuse goes in cycles. So things may
go well for a while and you're trying your best,
but then as soon as they feel like they're able to,
they will go back to the abusive type of tone
that they were dealing with you before. Even if you
mention something that you feel that they've done. A healthy
relationship will take into consideration what each person is saying,
and then they won't abuse you. See, when you're in
a healthy relationship, you should be able to tell someone
you know what I feel that you that this was done,
this is how I perceive it, this is what was done,
and then they try. If that person really cares about you,
they're gonna take it into consideration and say, you know what.
You know, if they actually did something, they would actually
care that they did it and they would try to
change it. But when you're dealing with a narcissistic relationship,
they don't care because they never actually want you to
ever point out anything that they've done to you because
it's all about them. So therefore, when you're dealing with
an enabler, and an abler prefers to avoid confrontation at
all calls, So therefore the narcissistic behavior oftentimes goes unchecked.
They try to do anything to maintain the peace, and
so therefore it perpetuates this same cycle of.
Speaker 3: Abuse over and over and over again.
Speaker 2: Just because and for those of us who are Christians,
just because you are a peace maker doesn't mean that
you have to allow someone to disrupt your peace. Come
on now, just because you are a peacemaker doesn't mean
that you allow an enemy in your camp to disrupt
your peace. We're to try to be, as the word says,
ministers of reconciliation.
Speaker 3: But it takes two people to reconcile.
Speaker 2: And when you have one of those individuals that is
a narcissistic mindset, then there is no true such thing
as reconciliation when a person will not even acknowledge that
they've done something wrong or and I'm talking about in
the genuine sense, not to try to get you back
into their good graces or or try to get you
back so they can re victimize you again. And so
this is one thing that you have to be careful
of when, uh, when an enabler make an excuse for
someone else's behavior, justifying it instead of addressing it or
even covering it up, covering up the problem to prevent
them from facing the consequences of their actions. This is
not healthy. It's not healthy for you if you're the
one that is the victim of this behavior and it
and it actually it actually causes damage with your self
esteem because you're always at the state of I gotta
walk on eggshells. I cannot be myself. I never know
what bag this person is gonna come out of on
any given day, and I gotta try to make sure
that I be at peace. Let me just say this, people,
narcissistic behavior is of the devil. Okay. And those of
us who are Christians, we know that that the Bible
lets us know that. Let this mind be in you
that is in Christ Jesus, and nowhere in Christ is
there a narcissistic mindset is totally of the devil. Okay.
So if it's not of Christ and it's not bringing
you peace, then guess what is of the enemy. Another thing,
when you're when you're dealing with enablers, they you know,
enabler will they oftentimes struggle with their self worth and
they feel the need to please.
Speaker 4: You.
Speaker 2: Will have these type of people that have difficulties setting boundaries.
They will act like the White Knight. They feel like
they got to.
Speaker 3: Rescue the narcissists and it's.
Speaker 2: Up to them to try to rescue the narcissists, when
in actuality, the narcissists need to go get help. They
you know, it's not your job to try to make
them see that they are toxic.
Speaker 3: Because what it does is when you're.
Speaker 2: Trying to make someone see something that they don't want
to see, then it causes you to be stressed out,
It causes you to be depressed, or it causes you
to be even even abused even more because you're getting
into possibly conflict and arguments and everything with them, because
they they don't want to see who they are. They
don't want to see that they need help. They don't
want to see that they are doing things that is
causing harm to somebody else. So therefore this enabler is
actually causing you just as much harm, nearly just as
much harm as the narcissist by not addressing the issue.
We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back
in just a moment.
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Speaker 5: Knew before strong.
Speaker 2: In the cry, I feel his speech.
Speaker 4: Too hard, sharm, we feel must heavy, aim.
Speaker 5: Up trus head.
Speaker 6: Lights up, boys, pray, gather, I feel strong.
Speaker 4: Please holds a scold A little long. Heaven is the
sound of the horse and holds my spirit forever and time.
When we pray when we play agather.
Speaker 7: Mm hmmm, heavy storm, even nice. Your voice reminds me
God is me.
Speaker 4: When the chance that you let me.
Speaker 2: Together we touch the high the sky.
Speaker 8: Men, words fall short, infay, sad and stilly coach.
Speaker 7: Pain, Your faith goes now were reflesh.
Speaker 3: Heavy, fair ship, never save.
Speaker 4: We pray, cab.
Speaker 6: The fistrong, Grace holds us close, a little heaven and
chops with our hands and.
Speaker 3: Promise when we pray.
Speaker 4: God, when we prayed again.
Speaker 2: And that is when we pray together.
Speaker 3: You know, I don't know who who.
Speaker 2: Makes these songs.
Speaker 3: These are Christian love songs that's.
Speaker 2: On YouTube, and I don't know who the individual artists are,
but these are some beautiful songs. If you notice this
year with the podcast that I've done, you're hearing a
lot of Christian R and B love songs with the
emphasis of faith and God in the center, because in
order to have a good relationship, you have to have
God in the center. And so therefore, so for those
of you who may want to know where these songs
are coming from these or on YouTube, you just type
in Christian love songs and you will see a whole
lot of them. And these are very beautiful, beautiful songs.
All right, all right, so we're still talking about enablers.
These these enablers of the narcissists. Be careful of the
enabler who sometimes adopt certain manipulative tactics that the narcissist does.
You know, they may gaslight you into thinking that you know,
it's not as bad as you think, so they want
you to doubt your reality or coursion, or they protect themselves.
And see, one thing you have to be careful.
Speaker 3: Of is that the they're enabler.
Speaker 2: While they may be with good intention trying to have peace,
that peace is for them.
Speaker 3: It's not bringing you peace.
Speaker 2: The peace is for them. So in actuality where they
maybe feeling as if they are helping the situation by
by trying to get you back involved in that toxic
dynamic with that narcissist, what is actually doing is bringing
peace to them and harm to you. And they may
not always even realize it. But when someone refuses to change,
when someone does not take the initiative to say I'm wrong,
I'm sorry, forgive me, I did wrong. See, someone has
to admit that they did wrong. And when the narcissist
does not take it upon themselves to even recognize that
they've done something wrong. They see, when you put yourself
back into that relationship, you're going back in with the
full knowledge that this person doesn't even think that they've
done anything wrong. That's the thing sometimes as a especially
for Christians. Christians, you know, some Christians feel like, well,
you know, some Christians have stayed in toxic relationships because
they feel like, well, because I'm a Christian, then I
have to go the extra mile and try to make
this relationship work while the other person is not even
in a state of repentance. It takes two to reconcile.
So if the person is not in a state of repentance,
this person has done something wrong and they're not in
a state of repentance, then guess what, they're gonna do
it again because they don't even they don't even want
to recognize or realize or they could care less that
they've done something wrong. So therefore you wind up putting
yourself back into the fire in the frying pan, thinking
that you're gonna get a different outcome, when all you're
gonna get is burned. And this is what happens when
you go back into a toxic relationship where there's been
no acknowledgment and no even sign of repentance. And then
you have to be careful with the enabler who makes
you feel like the person's changed. Oh, well, they're doing
this and they're doing that, and they're changing. If that
person has not come to you to show you that
they've changed, to acknowledge the wrong that they've done. Because
let me just say this, even with God, the Bible
says that if we confess our sins, he is faithful
and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Speaker 3: But first, well, it's the first thing you have to
do if you confess.
Speaker 2: And so when you put yourself back into a toxic
situation where the person does not even confess that they've
done something wrong, then you're asking to get more of
the same. Okay, but let me go a little bit
beyond that. Confession and repentance. Repentance requires change. That means
that someone can say, oh, I'm sorry, but if they
don't change, then those words are useless.
Speaker 3: So true repentance, true repentance means I need to change.
Speaker 2: There's a text in the Bible when God told Israel
to render their hearts and not their garments. See, when
there was a sign of sorrow, one of the outward
displays of sadness or grief or remorse was for that
person to tear their garments, even with anger, to tear
their garments. And God was telling Israel, I don't want
to just see the outward display. I need you to
change your heart. And it's the same thing with the narcissists.
I don't need you just to say I'm sorry. I
need you to do the steps to let me know
that you are sorry, that you even acknowledge that what
you did was wrong. And when a person won't even
acknowledge that what they did was wrong, then there's nothing
you can do to even fix that relationship. You're basically
putting in a on an open wound. You know, when
you when when someone is someone may have for example,
someone may have gotten some glass in their in their foot,
for example, when you go to the er, they're not
just gonna put a band aid on it. At least
they shouldn't put a band aid on it and say, okay,
go home, but the glass is still there. No, you
have to make sure that you take out all of
them bits and pieces of glass first before the healing
can begin. And and this is when you're dealing with
a narcissist. In order to in all, and this is
for anyone, in order for true healing to take place,
you got to remove all those broken pieces. But see,
narcissists will not allow you to heal because they're never
gonna admit at least, let me put it like this,
because there is healing apart from them. Okay, so let
me let me rephrase that there they there are when
it comes to them, when it depends on them, if if,
if it depends on the narcissist, you're not gonna have
any healing because they're never gonna admit that they've done
anything wrong and change in the truth sense of the word.
So therefore you have to be responsible for your own healing.
If you wait on the narcissist, you're never gonna have it.
Another thing, when you are dealing with uh an enabler
there uh uh. Their their need to have peace with
the narcissists harms you. Their need to have peace with
the narcissists harms you. What do I mean by that?
What do I mean is that then then abler will
try to do anything and everything to bring peace because
it helps them, but it's at the cost of your
emotional health. And again, when you don't deal with what
went wrong to begin with, then there can be no peace.
An enabler often struggles to set boundaries, and so this
allows them to continue that harmful behavior without any intervention.
The narcissist feels that they can have unlimited rain, and
therefore they do have unlimited rain when it comes to
their behavior because no one is putting them in check,
all right, so they enable or feel like they must
rescue their loved one from the consequences of their actions.
And when you don't face the consequences of your actions,
that you keep doing the same behavior over and over
and over again. As a victim of narcissism, you have
to be careful of the enabler that will try to
entice you to get back involved in a relationship with
that person when there has been no true repentance. And
so then abler sometimes try to overcompensate for the other
person's failures and short and shortcomings, and this is increasing
or adding on to that person's behavior.
Speaker 3: Let that person take responsibility for.
Speaker 2: Their own actions. See the n abler tries to be
in a sense the White Knight, and they try to
do the rescuing. But the thing is is that there
is no there is no such thing as rescuing if
the person does not acknowledge that they are wrong. We're
going to take another quick break and we'll be back
in just a moment.
Speaker 4: I never thought I find a lover like this, so gentle, pure,
she with having excuse. You love me the way that
Jesus was. You haul me.
Speaker 2: Clothes, and it feels so good when you pray with me.
Speaker 4: The world fades a way. Every word you speak feels
like grace, sor and display. You remind me daily that
it's not just a flame, it service. It's patience he carries.
Speaker 2: And when to see hard, I see his his your souls.
Speaker 4: A realm by his command.
Speaker 9: I've never known loved by this heaven tserin God talkis.
Speaker 4: You're the reason I believe in, for God brought this story.
We wrockets and gather of you, no doubt. Just be
said this, because I've.
Speaker 8: Never known a love life to leave with kindness, now
with pride. You love me like crist SAEs.
Speaker 10: Right through every season, every scene, through joy of pain,
joy and my shelter my sunshine. After the way when
I fall short, you remind me of Gracio.
Speaker 4: You see my heart not just myth is.
Speaker 10: And every time you hop me leave, I feel God
whisper my child. I'm here injunship nor.
Speaker 4: Touch is pretty all in your arms.
Speaker 5: I feel God everywhere.
Speaker 4: I don't even know love live, haven't touch Earth got you,
so keep up. You the reason to believe it, for
God brought the story the buckets.
Speaker 9: And gather movie No Doubt, shasky sample exa'mble Yeah, when
the night feels on, we'll keep our facetrong, face strong.
Speaker 4: What God has wrong? No buckets who have known?
Speaker 5: Like you're my answer prayer, My soul's pures. Every heartbeat
sees his Grayson New Grayson New cause guy's love shines
right through.
Speaker 4: Never know love love, and that is a love like this,
Like I say, go.
Speaker 3: On YouTube and get some of those Christian love songs.
Speaker 2: Come on now, They're not gonna lead you in the
wrong direction. Y'all know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 4: A man?
Speaker 2: All right, all right, all right, So we are, excuse
me talking about the narcissists in Abler, the narcissists in Abeler,
and again.
Speaker 3: You have to be careful of the narcissistic and abler.
Speaker 2: They're enablers and and they you know, not all of
them know that they are being enablers their things. Some
of them think they're doing the right thing. And sometimes
the victim is the one that's the enabler as well.
But it's at what cost, okay. So another thing is
that they deny or ignore the reality of the situation
when it's when when a person is engaging in harmful behavior,
they dismiss it or they rationalize the behavior again to
protect the individual. But the thing is is that at
what costs is causing harm. It is causing harm rather
as to that victim, or if you're the victim, it's
causing harm to you. And you have to look at
the reality of the situation. So do not make excuses
for that person, because what you're doing is allowing your
needs to suffer in the relationship. And this is something
I want to this quote I want to read to
you by doctor Borland that says, think of your capacity
to give like a gas tank. If you're given given
giving to someone else, eventually you're going to start running
on empty. There are consequences to our own well being
when we enable others or if we fall prey to
the enabler.
Speaker 3: So that means that if you're if you're the person that's.
Speaker 2: Always given in this relationship and you're trying to make
peace and you're trying to go the extra mile, and
you've been doing this okay, but then the narcissist does
not try to change, then there's no change within that narcissist.
Speaker 3: Then you have to protect your own gas tank.
Speaker 2: It's you know, there's a story in the Bible that
talks about the ten virgins, the five foolish, and the
five wives. The five foolish did not come with enough oil,
so they wanted to get take off from the wise ones,
who did come with enough oil, to wait till the
bridegroom came. The five foolish as the wise ones, give
us some of your oil, But the wise ones told them, no,
go get your own oil. Go buy your own oil.
So the wise were they were considered wise because they
did not allow the foolish ones to deplete them in
order to be just be nice. The same thing applies
when it comes to narcissists. You don't have to allow
anyone to deplete your oil. You don't have to allow
anyone to deplete you. If they want to deplete you,
let them go do it somewhere else. But you can
say no. You can set boundaries and say, at the
expense of my peace, at the expense of my happiness,
I'm no longer going to allow you to deplete me
and mean it and do it.
Speaker 3: It comes a time where, regardless of who that person is,
you have to say no.
Speaker 2: You have to just say, you know what, I'm no
longer going to be this person's punching bag, because that's
what narcissists want. They want to be your emotional punching bag.
And you have to be the one. Regardless of if
an enabler tries to get you to get back into
that relationship or whatever, you have to say no. You
have to say no, you're not You're not How would
I say this? You are not obligated to be anybody's
anybody's doormat. If that person will not get help, if
that person do not need to do not see the
need for them to get help that person And and
the thing is, let that person speak for themselves, do
not be the do not allow the enabler to be
a third party trying to put things together. If that
if that person that's doing the harm, if they were
truly repentant, they would they would get things right themselves
without having a third party. And you have to at
some point say no, enough is enough, narck abuse no more.
All right, we are about it here today. I pray
to today's podcast has been a blessing to you and
that you will know you will know that your feelings
do matter. This is doctor Ko Richard knock Abuse no more.
Until next time, the spasssssss