WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:05.200 There's this thing that happens when you have a lot 2 00:00:05.240 --> 00:00:09.800 of kids, and I mean a lot. You stop marking 3 00:00:09.880 --> 00:00:12.960 time the way most people do. You don't think in 4 00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:17.679 months or seasons or even years. Really. You think in chapters. 5 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:21.600 You think in milestones. You think in the space between 6 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:25.960 who someone was and who they're becoming, and you watch 7 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:30.519 that space shrink faster than you are ever ever ready for. 8 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:34.960 I've been in this thing long enough to know that 9 00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:39.320 the big moments don't always announce themselves. Sometimes you see 10 00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:43.280 them coming from miles away, the build up, the planning, 11 00:00:43.799 --> 00:00:47.159 the color coded calendar on the fridge with three different 12 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:53.640 people's handwriting on it, And sometimes they just arrive quiet, 13 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:57.520 like they were always meant to be there. This was 14 00:00:57.640 --> 00:01:03.359 one that announced itself. There was a prom dress involved, 15 00:01:03.799 --> 00:01:06.920 and a neighbor with a gift for hair and nails, 16 00:01:07.719 --> 00:01:10.359 and a nephew with a camera who honestly should be 17 00:01:10.439 --> 00:01:15.359 charging more for his time. And there was Maddie, our Maddie, 18 00:01:15.879 --> 00:01:19.040 standing in our front yard in the afternoon light, wearing 19 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:24.519 that smile the kind that isn't performance, isn't trying, isn't 20 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:30.400 posed for the camera, just real, just her, And I'm 21 00:01:30.439 --> 00:01:33.640 telling you right now, before we even get into the story. 22 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:36.359 I knew the second I saw her standing there that 23 00:01:36.480 --> 00:01:40.599 this episode was going to write itself. So let's get 24 00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:44.239 into it. This is We Are the Hansens, and this 25 00:01:44.359 --> 00:01:48.640 is Maddie's prom night. Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to 26 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:52.439 We are the Hansens. I'm Maya And if you're new here, 27 00:01:52.840 --> 00:01:57.000 welcome to the most gloriously chaotic household on the Internet. 28 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:01.640 We are a big family, a loud family, a we 29 00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:04.879 ran out of cereal again? How does that even happen? Family? 30 00:02:05.840 --> 00:02:09.199 And we love every single second of it. If you've 31 00:02:09.240 --> 00:02:12.520 been with us for a while, you already know the deal. 32 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:19.240 This show is our family's story, unfiltered, unscripted, and unapologetically real. 33 00:02:19.800 --> 00:02:23.400 We talk about big moments and the small ones, the 34 00:02:23.400 --> 00:02:26.319 ones that make you laugh until you can't breathe, and 35 00:02:26.360 --> 00:02:29.599 the ones that make you sit in the quiet afterward 36 00:02:29.759 --> 00:02:33.280 and just feel it. Today's episode is one of those. 37 00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:38.800 We're talking about prom specifically, we're talking about Maddie's prom 38 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:43.000 and everything that surrounded it, from the morning chaos to 39 00:02:43.080 --> 00:02:46.360 the final photos to the moment she walked back through 40 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.159 the door at the end of the night. And if 41 00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.080 you stick around towards the end, I've got a little 42 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:55.960 bonus for you, because summer is coming, the weather is 43 00:02:56.000 --> 00:03:00.599 warming up, and I've been making this one particular treat 44 00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:04.520 that our whole family is obsessed with. Right now, I'm 45 00:03:04.520 --> 00:03:07.479 going to share the recipe because I believe good things 46 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:11.639 should be shared. But first, let's go back to Prom day, 47 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:15.479 because this story deserves to be told properly. There is 48 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:18.479 a specific kind of energy that exists in our house 49 00:03:18.680 --> 00:03:22.080 on a big day. It's not loud, not at first. 50 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:27.000 It starts almost like a hume, this low, quiet vibration 51 00:03:27.159 --> 00:03:31.520 underneath everything that tells you before anyone has said a word, 52 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:35.240 before you've even had your first cup of coffee, that 53 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.680 today is not an ordinary day. You feel it when 54 00:03:38.719 --> 00:03:41.520 you walk down the hallway. You feel it in the 55 00:03:41.560 --> 00:03:44.840 way the kitchen is already half busy, before the sun 56 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:47.199 is all the way up. You feel it in the 57 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:50.360 way people are moving a little more carefully, a little 58 00:03:50.360 --> 00:03:54.280 more deliberately, like the whole house knows something important is 59 00:03:54.319 --> 00:03:58.560 happening and has decided to cooperate. That was Prom morning. 60 00:03:59.240 --> 00:04:01.639 I woke up and there was already something in the air. 61 00:04:02.240 --> 00:04:04.360 Now I need to paint you a picture of what 62 00:04:04.439 --> 00:04:07.439 a big event morning looks like in the hands and house, 63 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:10.199 because I think people assume that having a lot of 64 00:04:10.319 --> 00:04:14.120 children means everything is chaos all the time, and yes, 65 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:20.120 chaos is very much present, if there's also this beautiful, organized, 66 00:04:20.439 --> 00:04:24.839 somehow functional rhythm that our family has developed over the 67 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:29.480 years of trial, air and the occasional total disaster. We 68 00:04:29.560 --> 00:04:32.560 know our roles, we know how to move around each other, 69 00:04:33.160 --> 00:04:35.519 we know when to help and when to stay out 70 00:04:35.519 --> 00:04:38.600 of the way. And on a morning like this, and 71 00:04:38.639 --> 00:04:42.120 on a morning like this one, when it's Maddie's day, 72 00:04:42.600 --> 00:04:45.879 when all the energy is pointed in one direction, that 73 00:04:46.040 --> 00:04:51.480 rhythm becomes something else entirely, it becomes something that actually works. 74 00:04:52.040 --> 00:04:55.600 Maddie was up early, which, if you know Maddie tells 75 00:04:55.639 --> 00:04:58.199 you everything you need to know about how much does 76 00:04:58.319 --> 00:05:02.160 it meant to her? This kid can sleep I say 77 00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:06.360 that with full love and zero judgment, because listen, the 78 00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:09.879 ability to sleep in is a gift and some of 79 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:13.680 us no longer possess it. But that morning, she was up, 80 00:05:14.279 --> 00:05:19.000 she was moving, She had a list, either mental or actual, 81 00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:22.720 I'm not sure, and she was working through it and 82 00:05:22.800 --> 00:05:25.680 through all of the noise that comes with a big 83 00:05:25.720 --> 00:05:29.560 family on a big morning, someone asking where something is, 84 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:34.720 someone debating breakfast options, the general symphony of the house 85 00:05:34.839 --> 00:05:39.839 full of people. Maddie was steady, calm. There's a version 86 00:05:39.959 --> 00:05:43.920 of nervous energy that some people get before big moments 87 00:05:43.959 --> 00:05:47.680 that makes everything a little sharp, a little too loud, 88 00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:51.240 a little jagged at the edges. And then there's the 89 00:05:51.319 --> 00:05:55.079 other kind, the kind Maddie had that morning, the kind 90 00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:58.959 that says, I've been waiting for this, I'm ready, let's 91 00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:03.519 go see it on her face, that quiet smile, that 92 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:09.160 mix of excitement and something just slightly deeper than excitement, anticipation, 93 00:06:09.399 --> 00:06:13.720 maybe the feeling of standing at the threshold and knowing 94 00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:17.079 with some part of your gut that doesn't lie to 95 00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:20.040 you that what on the other side is going to 96 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:24.160 be good. Now I have to talk about Trinity, because 97 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:27.600 any honest retelling of this prom day has to start 98 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:32.399 here with our neighbor girl, Trinity, who showed up and 99 00:06:32.600 --> 00:06:37.319 absolutely delivered. And I don't say that casually. I mean 100 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:40.600 she showed up, really showed up, the kind of showing 101 00:06:40.680 --> 00:06:44.079 up that goes way beyond I'll help you, the kind 102 00:06:44.120 --> 00:06:47.759 that says I'm here, I'm invested, and we are going 103 00:06:47.839 --> 00:06:51.040 to make sure this girl looks and feels like everything 104 00:06:51.160 --> 00:06:55.120 she deserves to feel like today. Trinity did Maddie's hair. 105 00:06:55.879 --> 00:07:01.000 Trinity did Maddie's nails, Trinity did Maddie's makeup, and in 106 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:04.839 doing those things, she turned our space into something that 107 00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:08.759 felt completely different than it does on any regular day. 108 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:14.439 There were tools out, there were products arranged, There was 109 00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:18.360 intention in the air. She came prepared, and she came 110 00:07:18.399 --> 00:07:23.199 with full focus. I watched it happen, and I will 111 00:07:23.240 --> 00:07:26.319 tell you there is something beautiful about watching two young 112 00:07:26.360 --> 00:07:30.600 women in a room together, working toward one goal, talking 113 00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:33.920 and laughing and figuring it out together. And it's not 114 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:37.199 just about the hair. It's not just about the nails. 115 00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:40.480 It's not just about the makeup. It's about what happens 116 00:07:40.560 --> 00:07:45.639 in that space, the conversation, the trust, the way someone 117 00:07:45.720 --> 00:07:50.399 can say I've got you without ever actually saying those words. 118 00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:55.040 Trinity said it with every single thing she did. She 119 00:07:55.160 --> 00:07:58.519 paid attention to the details, the ones Maddie would notice 120 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:01.040 and the ones she wouldn't tell. She looked in the 121 00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:05.920 mirror and realized everything was exactly right. She adjusted and 122 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:09.399 refined and stepped back to take a look the way 123 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:12.480 someone does when they actually care about the results, not 124 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:17.600 just the task. There's a craft to it. Honestly, you 125 00:08:17.639 --> 00:08:20.040 don't just pick up a curling iron and make someone 126 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:25.160 look incredible. There's an instinct involved, a sense of what 127 00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:28.839 serves that person in front of you, and Trinity had it. 128 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:34.320 She was reading Maddie what would feel right, what would 129 00:08:34.399 --> 00:08:36.879 make her walk out of that chair feeling like the 130 00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:43.600 best version of herself, and Maddie trusted her completely. That trust, 131 00:08:44.120 --> 00:08:47.360 that willingness to sit still and let someone else handle 132 00:08:47.399 --> 00:08:51.960 the thing that matters. That's not nothing, especially at an 133 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:55.039 age when so much of your sense of self is 134 00:08:55.159 --> 00:08:58.519 wrapped up in how you present yourself to the world, 135 00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:03.360 especially before an night as significant as this one. But 136 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:08.679 Matti trusted Trinity, and Trinity earned it. By the time 137 00:09:08.720 --> 00:09:11.879 they were done, I could see the difference, not just 138 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:16.600 in the look, although the look was genuinely incredible, but 139 00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:20.279 in the energy and the way Maddy was standing, in 140 00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:24.080 the way she was carrying herself. There's a specific kind 141 00:09:24.120 --> 00:09:27.320 of confidence that comes when you feel like the outside 142 00:09:27.399 --> 00:09:31.639 matches the inside, when the way you look reflects who 143 00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:36.519 you actually are on a day that actually matters. That's 144 00:09:36.519 --> 00:09:40.159 what Trinity gave her, and I don't think either of 145 00:09:40.159 --> 00:09:44.480 them fully knows how much that meant. I do, though, 146 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:48.720 I saw it before we get to the pictures, and 147 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:52.720 we are absolutely getting to the pictures. I want to 148 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:55.720 slow down here for just a second and talk about something. 149 00:09:56.679 --> 00:10:00.399 This wasn't just any prompt. Mattie was going into a 150 00:10:00.440 --> 00:10:04.000 public school prom. And I know that some of you 151 00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:09.360 might read that and think, okay, so, But for our family, 152 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:13.360 in the context of Maddie's life, in her path, that 153 00:10:13.559 --> 00:10:17.200 detail matters. It means she was stepping outside of her 154 00:10:17.320 --> 00:10:24.919 usual world, her usual faces, her usual environment, her usual routine. 155 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:29.320 She was walking into the space that was largely unfamiliar 156 00:10:29.360 --> 00:10:34.360 and saying I belong here too. That takes something. It 157 00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:38.279 takes confidence, It takes courage, It takes the kind of 158 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:43.799 openness that not every fourteen year old, seventeen year old, 159 00:10:43.960 --> 00:10:48.320 eighteen year old, or honestly, not even every adult has 160 00:10:48.399 --> 00:10:52.320 easy access to. Because when you go somewhere new, where 161 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:56.519 you don't have your usual safety net of people who 162 00:10:56.679 --> 00:10:59.840 already know you already, like you already get your son 163 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:04.960 of humor, you are presenting yourself completely cold. You're walking 164 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.080 in as a first impression with no do overs, and 165 00:11:09.120 --> 00:11:12.799 Maddie walked into that with her head up. We talked 166 00:11:12.799 --> 00:11:16.200 about it a little beforehand, not in a worried way, 167 00:11:16.720 --> 00:11:19.519 more in a how are you feeling about it? Kind 168 00:11:19.559 --> 00:11:24.240 of way, and she was calm, genuinely not performing calm 169 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:30.159 for my benefit, actually genuinely settled in herself about it. 170 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.440 She said she was excited to meet new people. She 171 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:36.039 said it was going to be fun, you know what. 172 00:11:36.519 --> 00:11:39.960 She was right. But I'm getting ahead of myself, all right. 173 00:11:40.039 --> 00:11:44.120 The pictures, oh, the pictures. Now. I want you to 174 00:11:44.200 --> 00:11:48.039 understand something about photographs. In our family, we are not 175 00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:51.759 a quick, get a photo, okay done kind of family. 176 00:11:52.120 --> 00:11:55.240 We don't do the quick snapshots from ten feet away 177 00:11:55.679 --> 00:12:00.480 that you'll look at later and think, I mean it exists. No, 178 00:12:01.159 --> 00:12:04.679 when we do photos, we do photos. And this day 179 00:12:04.879 --> 00:12:08.080 was no exception. And let me tell you, me and 180 00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:10.919 my nephew Johnny teamed up on this one, and let 181 00:12:10.960 --> 00:12:14.600 me tell you that was the right call because us 182 00:12:14.600 --> 00:12:19.240 two together have this way of working that just works. Me. 183 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.799 I've been doing it long enough to know where the 184 00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:25.879 light is, when to move, when to tell someone to 185 00:12:25.960 --> 00:12:29.960 shift two inches to the left, And Johnny that kid 186 00:12:30.039 --> 00:12:34.639 has natural eye. Some people take pictures, Johnny ces pictures. 187 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:39.799 There's a difference, and it's significant. Together, we turned our 188 00:12:39.840 --> 00:12:43.120 front yard in the space around our house into something 189 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:49.399 that felt intentional, like every backdrop was chosen, every angle considered. 190 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:53.559 We shot outside first, which was the right call, because 191 00:12:53.679 --> 00:12:58.799 the light that afternoon was beautiful, that warm, golden, just 192 00:12:58.919 --> 00:13:02.320 past midday life that makes everything look like it was 193 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:05.679 meant to be photographed, the kind of light that doesn't 194 00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:10.080 need filters because it's already doing all the work. Maddie 195 00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:12.919 came out ready, and I keep coming back to that 196 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:16.799 word ready because it's the only word that fits. She 197 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:19.919 wasn't nervous in front of the camera. She wasn't stiff, 198 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:22.720 She wasn't doing that thing where you can tell someone 199 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:25.759 is thinking about how they look instead of just being 200 00:13:25.799 --> 00:13:29.840 where they are. She was present, She was herself. We 201 00:13:29.879 --> 00:13:33.519 moved her around different spots, different angles, different kinds of poses. 202 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:37.440 Some that were more polished and serious, some that were 203 00:13:37.559 --> 00:13:41.919 just her laughing at something Johnny said, got completely off 204 00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:46.559 guard and completely perfect for it. Those are always my favorite, 205 00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:50.600 the laughing one, because no one looks bad when they're laughing. 206 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:54.320 No one looks like they're trying. When they're laughing, you 207 00:13:54.360 --> 00:13:58.039 can't fake a laugh that reaches your eyes, and Maddie's 208 00:13:58.080 --> 00:14:01.720 always does. At one point, I remember stepping back and 209 00:14:01.879 --> 00:14:07.279 just watching Johnny work, Johnny's shooting, Maddie navigating between us, 210 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:11.919 both with this easy confidence that made everything look effortless. 211 00:14:12.600 --> 00:14:15.759 The three of us had a rhythm, and I thought, 212 00:14:16.200 --> 00:14:19.519 this is stuff. This is stuff that gets put in 213 00:14:19.559 --> 00:14:23.000 a box and brought out twenty years from now. This 214 00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:25.399 is the stuff her kids are going to see someday. 215 00:14:25.799 --> 00:14:28.000 This is the thing that will make time feel real, 216 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.360 both how fast it moved and how full it was. 217 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:34.799 There was this moment in particular. I don't even know 218 00:14:34.840 --> 00:14:37.440 if Johnny got it on camera or not. Honestly, it 219 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:42.799 doesn't matter where. Maddy just stopped between poses. She looked 220 00:14:42.799 --> 00:14:46.960 out towards the road, not at anything specific, just out, 221 00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:51.360 and she was smiling that soft inward smile, the one 222 00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:54.159 that means you're happy in a way that's too full 223 00:14:54.279 --> 00:14:58.360 to perform. And I thought, she knows, she knows this 224 00:14:58.440 --> 00:15:02.000 is a moment. She knows is that right now, standing 225 00:15:02.039 --> 00:15:05.960 in this light, on this day, surrounded by these people, 226 00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:08.799 this is going to be something she'll come back to. 227 00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:13.600 Maybe not tonight, maybe next year, but someday she's going 228 00:15:13.639 --> 00:15:16.320 to be somewhere in her life and something will bring 229 00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:19.279 her back to this afternoon in the yard, and she 230 00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:22.559 is going to feel that whole weight of it. How 231 00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:26.919 young she was, how sure of herself, how the light 232 00:15:27.039 --> 00:15:30.120 hit her hair exactly right, and how nobody told her 233 00:15:30.159 --> 00:15:34.559 to smile like that she just did. I hope she 234 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:38.559 keeps those pictures somewhere safe. I hope she looks at 235 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:41.399 them on the days when things feel hard and she 236 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:45.320 needs a reminder of who she is, because those pictures 237 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:49.000 tell the truth. By the time we were done, we knew, 238 00:15:49.600 --> 00:15:52.519 we all knew without having to say it, we had 239 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:56.639 something really good, Better than good action. We had the 240 00:15:56.720 --> 00:15:59.879 kind of pictures that do exactly what pictures are supposed 241 00:15:59.919 --> 00:16:03.679 to to do, freeze the right moment with the right 242 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:07.440 light and the right day, so that years from now 243 00:16:08.080 --> 00:16:11.480 someone can look at them and feel it all over again. 244 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:14.759 And then it was time. There's a specific kind of 245 00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:18.120 pause that happens before a kid walks out the door 246 00:16:18.519 --> 00:16:21.639 on a night like this. If you're a parent, you 247 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:25.159 know the one I'm talking about. It's not dramatic. It 248 00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:28.600 doesn't come with the speech for a moment of formal recognition. 249 00:16:29.320 --> 00:16:33.679 It's smaller than that. It's quieter. It's just this brief, 250 00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:38.320 suspended second where you look at them, really look at them, 251 00:16:38.519 --> 00:16:41.559 and something in you catches, not in a sad way, 252 00:16:42.039 --> 00:16:45.080 in a full way, in a look how far we've 253 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:48.399 come way. Maddie was standing by the door, ready to leave, 254 00:16:48.600 --> 00:16:52.639 everything done, everything in place, looking incredible, and I had 255 00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:56.200 that pause. I saw her as she was right then, 256 00:16:56.840 --> 00:17:01.440 this young woman, confident, beautiful in the way that's more 257 00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:03.799 than just the dress and the hair and the makeup, 258 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:08.319 though all of that was genuinely perfect, Beautiful in the 259 00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:12.400 way that comes from being raised with love, from knowing 260 00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:15.880 who you are, from stepping into hard things and coming 261 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:19.079 through them. Okay. I thought about the little kid version 262 00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:22.480 of Maddie, the loud laugh she had since she was small, 263 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:26.200 the way she always moved through the world with this 264 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:32.640 particular energy, big feeling, big personality, but also underneath that, 265 00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:37.720 something steady, something grounded. I thought about all the regular 266 00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:41.200 days between then and now, all the Tuesday evenings and 267 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:45.759 Saturday mornings, all the dinners and arguments and car rides 268 00:17:45.799 --> 00:17:51.000 and quiet conversations, all the ordinary stuff that accumulates without 269 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:54.960 announcement into who a person is. And then I looked 270 00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:57.960 at that person standing in front of me, and I thought, 271 00:17:58.359 --> 00:18:03.200 we are doing something right. That feeling. I can't manufacture it, 272 00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:07.440 I can't force it just happens in these moments, and 273 00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:11.160 when it does, I've learned to just let it. Don't 274 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:14.720 rush past it, don't make it too big, just let 275 00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:18.079 it be what it is. And we headed out, and 276 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:21.640 the house got a little quieter, not empty, a house 277 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:25.880 like ours is never truly empty, but quieter, different quiet. 278 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:30.519 And in that different quiet there was satisfaction, the kind 279 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:33.599 that comes when a big day goes right, when the 280 00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:37.599 things that could have gone sideways didn't, when you put 281 00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:41.119 love and effort and people into something and it comes 282 00:18:41.160 --> 00:18:44.599 back around exactly what it was supposed to be. Here's 283 00:18:44.599 --> 00:18:46.640 the thing about waiting for a kid to come home 284 00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:50.559 from something big. You're not really waiting, not in the 285 00:18:50.559 --> 00:18:53.960 way you're sitting by the door watching the clock. Life 286 00:18:54.039 --> 00:18:57.480 keeps going, the rest of the household keeps moving. Other 287 00:18:57.559 --> 00:19:01.720 kids need things, the night moves forward, someone wants a snack, 288 00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:06.519 someone can't find the TV remote, the usual symphony. But 289 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:09.480 there's a small part of your attention that stays put, 290 00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:12.359 that keeps a little window open in the back of 291 00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:16.359 your mind, Wondering if she's having fun, Wondering if the 292 00:19:16.359 --> 00:19:20.200 people were kind, Wondering if the music was good, if 293 00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:23.839 the venue was what she expected, if she found her 294 00:19:23.920 --> 00:19:28.160 footing in a room full of unfamiliar faces, Wondering if 295 00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:31.039 this experience is doing what you hoped it would do 296 00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:35.599 for her, giving her something to carry forward. I've noticed 297 00:19:35.640 --> 00:19:38.799 that parenting a teenager is a lot of this. It's 298 00:19:38.839 --> 00:19:41.759 a lot of sending someone out to an experience and 299 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:45.279 trusting that you've given them what they need, not just 300 00:19:45.359 --> 00:19:49.720 the dress and the logistics, but the internal stuff, the resilience, 301 00:19:49.880 --> 00:19:53.119 the confidence, the ability to walk into a room and 302 00:19:53.160 --> 00:19:55.960 not need to be a perfect person in order to 303 00:19:56.079 --> 00:20:00.279 enjoy it. You spend years pouring into your kids, and 304 00:20:00.319 --> 00:20:03.359 then there are these moments where you let go of 305 00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:07.359 the handle, watch them balance on their own, and every 306 00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:12.759 time your heart is doing something complicated and wonderful simultaneously. 307 00:20:13.519 --> 00:20:16.720 That's what the evening felt like. We heard a little 308 00:20:16.759 --> 00:20:20.319 bit through that evening, the usual, a text here and there, 309 00:20:20.680 --> 00:20:23.400 the kind of brief check ins that tell you enough 310 00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:27.440 without telling you everything. Which is exactly appropriate. She was 311 00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:30.359 having a great time, and that was enough. It was 312 00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:33.799 more than enough, because that was the whole point. Not 313 00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:37.359 the dress, not the photos, not the hair or the nails, 314 00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:40.880 or the perfect light in the front yard. Those things 315 00:20:40.920 --> 00:20:44.039 were the frame around the real thing. The real thing 316 00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:47.480 was Maddie out in the world having a night. She 317 00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:53.359 would remember meeting new people, dancing, laughing, being young, being free, 318 00:20:53.720 --> 00:20:57.200 being in a gymnasium that's been transformed into something that 319 00:20:57.599 --> 00:21:02.200 tries very hard to be magical, and on the right night, 320 00:21:02.759 --> 00:21:07.240 with the right people, actually succeeds. That's what we were 321 00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:10.839 waiting for. And she got it. She absolutely got it. 322 00:21:11.799 --> 00:21:14.440 When she walked back through that door, I could see 323 00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:17.920 the night on her face, and I mean that in 324 00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:21.960 the best way possible. She still looked beautiful, but it 325 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:25.079 was a different kind of beautiful now. It was a 326 00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:29.000 lived in beautiful, the kind that comes from having been 327 00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:33.279 somewhere and done something and felt things. The hair was 328 00:21:33.319 --> 00:21:36.400 a little different than when she left, which is exactly 329 00:21:36.440 --> 00:21:39.759 how it should be. Her eyes were bright. That glow, 330 00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.400 that specific post good night glow that you can't fake 331 00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:49.279 and you can't manufacture, was absolutely present. I asked her 332 00:21:49.359 --> 00:21:52.480 how it was and the way she said so good, 333 00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:56.880 the weight of those two words, the way they came 334 00:21:56.920 --> 00:22:01.279 from somewhere genuine. I didn't need that details. I mean 335 00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:04.759 I wanted the details, and she gave them to me. 336 00:22:04.920 --> 00:22:09.119 Don't worry. But the details almost didn't matter, because the 337 00:22:09.160 --> 00:22:13.119 feeling set everything first. She talked about the people she met, 338 00:22:13.519 --> 00:22:16.079 She talked about the music, She talked about the moment 339 00:22:16.119 --> 00:22:20.359 that made her laugh. She talked about dancing, and I 340 00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:23.720 love that. I love that she danced. I loved that 341 00:22:23.799 --> 00:22:27.079 she got on that floor and moved and didn't spend 342 00:22:27.079 --> 00:22:30.720 the night standing by the wall worrying about how she looked. 343 00:22:31.559 --> 00:22:37.119 That's the goal every time, every milestone, go in, be present, dance, 344 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:42.119 come home full. She was still home safe, she was happy. 345 00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:45.759 She had a story to tell, and in this family, 346 00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:49.839 stories are everything. We sat together for a while after 347 00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:52.640 she got back, not in a formal way, just in 348 00:22:52.920 --> 00:22:56.000 the easy kind of late night talking that happens when 349 00:22:56.039 --> 00:22:58.720 someone comes home from something and the house is a 350 00:22:58.759 --> 00:23:01.640 little quieter and there's nowhere to be the kind of 351 00:23:01.720 --> 00:23:05.680 conversation that moves around without agenda, part de brief or 352 00:23:05.880 --> 00:23:09.319 just being together. Those are some of my favorite moments, honestly, 353 00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:12.920 the after moments, when the event is over, but the 354 00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:15.799 energy of it is still in the room, when everyone 355 00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:18.720 is a little tired and a little happy and nobody's 356 00:23:18.839 --> 00:23:22.200 rushing off anywhere. Those moments are easy in a way 357 00:23:22.279 --> 00:23:27.039 that some of the big, planned, orchestrated moments aren't. They're 358 00:23:27.079 --> 00:23:30.680 just real, just us and that night with Maddie home 359 00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:33.440 and happy and full of stories. Who is one of 360 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:35.440 the good ones, one of the ones I'll hold on to. 361 00:23:36.039 --> 00:23:38.279 I've been doing this long enough to know that the 362 00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:41.319 moments you think are going to be significant don't always 363 00:23:41.319 --> 00:23:44.000 turn out to be, and the ones you think are 364 00:23:44.119 --> 00:23:46.720 just another day turn out to be the ones you 365 00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:50.680 remember forever. This one I knew would matter. I knew 366 00:23:50.680 --> 00:23:53.079 it when we were standing in the driveway and the 367 00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:55.960 light was exactly right. I knew it when I saw 368 00:23:56.000 --> 00:24:01.240 Mattie's face in those photographs, that absolute, unguarded, real expression 369 00:24:01.279 --> 00:24:05.200 of being happy and confident and exactly herself. I knew 370 00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:07.680 it when the house went quiet after she left, and 371 00:24:07.720 --> 00:24:10.359 I let myself feel it for just a second before 372 00:24:10.440 --> 00:24:13.200 moving on to whatever was next. I want to talk 373 00:24:13.240 --> 00:24:16.440 about something though, before we get to my recipe, because 374 00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:19.000 I think it's worth saying out loud. There is so 375 00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:22.559 much pressure in parenting to make the big moments perfect, 376 00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:27.359 to orchestrate everything, to control all the variables and produce 377 00:24:27.400 --> 00:24:30.640 a result that matches some idea of what a milestone 378 00:24:30.680 --> 00:24:34.079 is supposed to look like. We see it everywhere in 379 00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:38.039 the Pinterest boards and the Instagram stories and the highlight 380 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:43.599 reels that other families post. That sometimes, if you're not careful, 381 00:24:44.119 --> 00:24:47.079 make you feel like your version of things isn't quite enough. 382 00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:50.440 And I've been there. I've been there in the comparison trap. 383 00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:54.279 I've felt that pulled to wonder if we're doing it right, 384 00:24:54.920 --> 00:24:58.359 if we're doing enough, if the milestone will land the 385 00:24:58.400 --> 00:25:02.200 way it's supposed to. But what I've learned, and Mattie's 386 00:25:02.240 --> 00:25:05.599 prom was a beautiful reminder of this, is that the 387 00:25:05.640 --> 00:25:09.400 best moments aren't the ones where everything went perfectly according 388 00:25:09.400 --> 00:25:12.519 to plan. They're the ones where the right people showed up, 389 00:25:12.759 --> 00:25:16.640 Where someone like Trinity said I've got you and meant it, 390 00:25:16.839 --> 00:25:19.599 Where someone like Johnny picked up a camera and saw 391 00:25:19.640 --> 00:25:22.559 the shot before anyone told him to, where the whole 392 00:25:22.599 --> 00:25:26.880 family moved in the same direction instinctively, without a script. 393 00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:30.519 Because we've been doing this together for a long time. 394 00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:34.240 That's the thing you can't manufacture. That's the thing you 395 00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:39.000 build slowly over years, through showing up and being present 396 00:25:39.079 --> 00:25:42.839 and choosing people who show up and are present. Right back, 397 00:25:43.240 --> 00:25:47.000 we have that. We've built that, and Mattie's problem was 398 00:25:47.039 --> 00:25:50.319 the kind of moment that just reflected it back at us. 399 00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:53.720 So if you're in the middle of the building, if 400 00:25:53.759 --> 00:25:57.359 you were in the noisy, chaotic who took my shoes? 401 00:25:57.640 --> 00:26:01.319