WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.560 --> 00:00:03.000 The problem is that I think both hip hop fans 2 00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:06.040 and journalists for the most part and most of the scholars, 3 00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:08.080 that we're still acting as if we need to defend 4 00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:12.080 hip hop from Cee de Laurus Tucker or like, you know, 5 00:00:12.359 --> 00:00:15.080 you know who's the man of Calvin Butts, you who 6 00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:17.440 rolled it over with a steamroller? You know, I'm like, 7 00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:21.600 they've been beaten to a pulp. There's no respectability politician 8 00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:24.359 from the black middle class involved anymore. It's corporate America 9 00:00:24.440 --> 00:00:27.399 that we have not such a mumbling word about who 10 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:30.079 is determining the content at the level Cee Laurus Tucker 11 00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:33.719 couldn't imagine ever controlling, and yet we're acting like they're 12 00:00:33.719 --> 00:00:36.000 the one some sort of church lady is like breathing 13 00:00:36.039 --> 00:00:36.719 down our neck. 14 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:39.320 I'm like, you know, that's not what's happening. 15 00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:41.399 So I want us to, like, you know, wake it 16 00:00:41.479 --> 00:00:44.880 up a minute and really ask ourselves we can we 17 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:48.079 push the field forward with a critical dialogue. So what 18 00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:51.439 this is mean you will have to separate from people 19 00:00:51.439 --> 00:00:52.640 who don't want to be in. 20 00:00:52.600 --> 00:00:54.159 A critical dialogue at that level. 21 00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:55.679 That is painful. 22 00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:57.439 Trust me, I've been in that situation. 23 00:00:57.520 --> 00:00:59.719 Andrew Ties, I'd be like, well, dang, I got to 24 00:00:59.759 --> 00:01:02.640 go It's not gonna go well because I will eventually 25 00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:04.760 lose all my patients because people just want you to 26 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.159 create a theory that allows their love to look analytical. 27 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:09.760 I'm like, no, it has to be that you're really 28 00:01:09.760 --> 00:01:12.040 trying to ask yourself what are the moral and ethical 29 00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:15.480 questions about culture that you have, no matter the genre, 30 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:17.439 and then say, well, how is this working out? 31 00:01:18.200 --> 00:01:19.079 And that doesn't mean you. 32 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:19.519 Give it away? 33 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:26.519 Andy? Who is that? Oh? My god, Trisha rose out 34 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:31.920 here cooking with the rarest grease. I had to do 35 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:36.480 this topic over the weekend, Clarissa Shields. People flew me 36 00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:42.000 out to the fight in Atlanta and the stadium was 37 00:01:42.200 --> 00:01:52.319 filled to the brim, and I I wondered. I pondered, 38 00:01:54.480 --> 00:01:57.319 had they not flown me out, would I be in 39 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:04.599 this arena right now of my own accord? And I understood. 40 00:02:04.920 --> 00:02:07.319 You know, the music industry is different than what it 41 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:13.240 was when I was younger. You know, we barely had internet, 42 00:02:13.360 --> 00:02:15.840 so we didn't have social media popping the way it's 43 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:23.199 popping now. The music industry made a fatal flaw. They 44 00:02:23.240 --> 00:02:26.759 went to war against the Internet, and as you can 45 00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:32.800 see now, they've lost social media has changed everything, and 46 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:40.759 so I'm seeing negative narratives trickle downstream from the advent 47 00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:47.280 of social media. And now I have to ask this question, 48 00:02:48.280 --> 00:02:53.680 because what I saw in Atlanta was I was stupefied. 49 00:02:54.840 --> 00:03:00.759 I didn't Does it seem to let me just let 50 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:04.159 me frame it up. Does it seem like narcissism is 51 00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:08.879 more attractive now than ever? Does it seem like toxicity 52 00:03:09.599 --> 00:03:14.439 and negativity, drama, trauma, all of it is at an 53 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:19.360 all time high premium, and it's attractive. People love it, 54 00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:23.319 or maybe we're addicted to it. I brought in some 55 00:03:23.400 --> 00:03:28.439 heavy hitters tonight, or at least one heavy hitter. He's 56 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:32.319 gonna join me in a second. It's about to get 57 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:35.879 about to get ugly up in here. We're about to 58 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:41.680 do it. Tonight's topic. Can black love compete with the 59 00:03:41.879 --> 00:03:49.240 high of being seen? Oh? Gosh, the validation horse, is 60 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:53.199 that what we're dealing with? Oh goodness, the attention horse? 61 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:54.479 Is that what we're dealing with? 62 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:55.280 I don't know. 63 00:03:56.919 --> 00:04:02.039 The deeper inquiry into whether attention, validation, money, status, desire, 64 00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:08.520 and public recognition have become so psychologically rewarding that unconditional 65 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:17.759 love can no longer command the same emotional voltage. Gosh, 66 00:04:18.120 --> 00:04:21.759 who I'm seeing it right now. I was in this 67 00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:25.959 cigar lounge in Atlanta, very nice cigar lounge, chilling with 68 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:31.600 our brother Rob, very nice. A young girl in there 69 00:04:32.199 --> 00:04:36.120 as a bartender. She was in her late twenties, early thirties, 70 00:04:37.319 --> 00:04:42.839 and somebody asked her, you know, where's your guy? Like, 71 00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:46.160 where's your man? She was like, if I had a man, 72 00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:49.439 I would not be working here. I said, wait, what 73 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:58.680 that's the response? Yes, he I just listened. I just wow. 74 00:04:59.079 --> 00:05:01.240 Ladies and gentlemen, it to your phone lines. Get ready, 75 00:05:01.240 --> 00:05:02.879 get ready to get ready, to get ready. The voice 76 00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:06.959 of reason is on complete fire already. My special guest 77 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:11.959 in the building. It's a good brother, Brett Riley L 78 00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:17.279 C s W P I D candidate. Don't tell me 79 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:22.720 he's a he's a Atrosian? Where is he a trojan. 80 00:05:25.319 --> 00:05:27.120 Asy? 81 00:05:27.959 --> 00:05:31.319 And oh yeah talking to Mike Yeah. 82 00:05:31.399 --> 00:05:39.120 Also yeah, okay, there we got yeah. Also Acorn State University. 83 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:43.839 University of Chicago too. Oh I read it. Oh you 84 00:05:43.879 --> 00:05:44.480 didn't you anything? 85 00:05:44.519 --> 00:05:48.240 I read it. 86 00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:54.199 My brother Brett Riley is in the building and we're 87 00:05:54.199 --> 00:05:57.560 about to do some work because I'm trying to understand 88 00:05:57.639 --> 00:05:59.959 the state of our folk the state of our peace. 89 00:06:01.319 --> 00:06:06.040 And I would say these gravity fields or these pressure 90 00:06:06.120 --> 00:06:11.959 fields that are kind of molding us. And a lot 91 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:14.040 of people don't think they're being molded, but I'm saying, 92 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:19.120 when you live in a society that has social constructs, 93 00:06:19.720 --> 00:06:25.240 social game rules, you're being molded. You're in an intellectual 94 00:06:25.319 --> 00:06:33.000 psychological aquarium. And and as a clinician, you know a 95 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:35.560 lot of this stuff happens in childhood in terms of 96 00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:39.439 the modeling, but I also believe it happens out in 97 00:06:39.480 --> 00:06:43.240 the world. The modeling doesn't stop if you don't gain 98 00:06:43.319 --> 00:06:47.079 control over yourself, this self awareness piece, right, you don't 99 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:51.639 pick up the pen of self authorship. And I'm looking 100 00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:56.319 at social media, and I know social media is just 101 00:06:56.639 --> 00:07:01.519 a microcosm. It's not all of us, but it is powerful. 102 00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:06.079 Its influence is powerful. I saw eighteen thousand people in 103 00:07:06.120 --> 00:07:11.240 the State Farm arena and they all were locked in 104 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:13.879 in a certain mentality. Talk to me, what's going on 105 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:14.560 with our folks? 106 00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:17.560 Well, a microcosm, for sure, but very powerful. 107 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:17.959 Yes. 108 00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:21.360 And I think the modeling that you spoke of. You know, 109 00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:26.240 when I'm usually starting off with a new client or whatever, 110 00:07:26.480 --> 00:07:30.519 whether it's in private practice or in public work. I 111 00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:33.920 like to start in the childhood. You know, usually we 112 00:07:34.040 --> 00:07:36.160 take that journey back to childhood just to see how 113 00:07:36.199 --> 00:07:40.279 that upbreaking was, and it usually gives you kind of 114 00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:44.120 a window into what's going on today, at least you 115 00:07:44.319 --> 00:07:45.480 help you figure. 116 00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:49.079 It out, kind of lay of the land exactly exactly. 117 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:54.519 But you spoke on something that's actually even taking I mean, 118 00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:59.839 the modeling of today. The device is right. Yeah, I 119 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:05.279 just disclaimer, this is not a show about the negatives 120 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:10.040 of social media. However, you know, it is very powerful 121 00:08:10.079 --> 00:08:15.879 in the sense that it is modifying what maybe how 122 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:20.120 me and you grew up, and persons and the environment 123 00:08:20.720 --> 00:08:21.680 kind of mold in us. 124 00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:24.879 Give me an example, we were talking about it earlier. 125 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:28.240 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I think you know, when 126 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:33.320 you are seeking, I mean, at one point in time, 127 00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:36.919 I mean, it is still a thing. But love and 128 00:08:36.919 --> 00:08:44.000 and that's consistent slow uh affirmations and and and being 129 00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:48.200 able to be affirmed from persons in your life was 130 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:52.320 was enough, right, and you learned how to you know, 131 00:08:53.080 --> 00:08:53.879 adjust to that. 132 00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:55.000 But now. 133 00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:02.559 That that culture of competing for attention and affirmation has 134 00:09:02.639 --> 00:09:04.720 kind of changed the game, and it also changed the 135 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:12.840 psychology of how we think the process connective connectivity, right, 136 00:09:12.840 --> 00:09:18.240 connectivity versus connectiveness, you know, human beings versus that artificial 137 00:09:20.519 --> 00:09:23.000 bringing together. You know what I mean that? Yeah, yeah, 138 00:09:23.039 --> 00:09:27.480 So I think it's it's it's complicated in some ways, 139 00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:32.559 but actually it's it is very simple, and that we 140 00:09:32.679 --> 00:09:41.679 have entered a culture of needing that consistent you know, 141 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:49.559 affirmation or or or yeah, yeah, yeah and so. And 142 00:09:49.600 --> 00:09:53.039 the problem with that is that when it wears off, 143 00:09:53.320 --> 00:09:56.519 now you're having to get the next hit or search 144 00:09:56.559 --> 00:10:01.039 for it again. Right where you are able to talk 145 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:06.840 to someone someone you're in a relationship or friend whoever, 146 00:10:07.159 --> 00:10:08.360 that's not enough anymore. 147 00:10:08.799 --> 00:10:14.080 Right, So, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to the 148 00:10:14.200 --> 00:10:19.480 voice of reason. Bret Riley is in the building, lcsw 149 00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:23.879 in the house. You already know what it is when 150 00:10:23.919 --> 00:10:27.559 everybody needs to be the one who still knows how 151 00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:31.440 to love. A deeper investigation into whether black life can 152 00:10:31.519 --> 00:10:39.159 sustain unconditional love inside and attention economy that monetizes visibility, 153 00:10:39.759 --> 00:10:46.600 reward it rewards exceptionalism, converts pain into content, and teaches 154 00:10:46.720 --> 00:10:52.600 human beings to experience recognition as worth. What if validation 155 00:10:52.919 --> 00:10:55.399 has been misidentified as love? 156 00:10:56.919 --> 00:10:56.960 Ugh? 157 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:01.000 Ah, what happens when Black people are already carrying the 158 00:11:01.120 --> 00:11:08.639 historical complications of recognition, exclusion, representation, economic scarcity, racial projection, 159 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:14.960 and contested the worth enter technologies that monetize the human 160 00:11:15.240 --> 00:11:21.320 hunger to be recognized. Black love now competes inside an 161 00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:26.360 economy that can turn recognition into reward and public response 162 00:11:26.440 --> 00:11:33.240 into psychological evidence. Yikes, this is getting ugly. Is this 163 00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:38.480 the reason why Game is beefing with Kendrick? He wants 164 00:11:38.519 --> 00:11:44.759 to be Oh gosh, I'm sorry for black people, but 165 00:11:44.840 --> 00:11:47.120 I'm just saying, is this why Clarissa is beefing with 166 00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:53.919 the other girl, bomb Gardener? Or maybe maybe ray J 167 00:11:55.440 --> 00:11:59.519 told us the secret. He says, when my life is bad, 168 00:12:00.759 --> 00:12:07.600 I make millions because he's filming it. That's the new hustle. 169 00:12:08.639 --> 00:12:12.279 My life is a train wreck, I make bread. So 170 00:12:12.480 --> 00:12:16.720 maybe Clarissa is very smart. Maybe she's like, let's make 171 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:21.519 these fights into a train wreck, into Housewives of Atlanta 172 00:12:21.720 --> 00:12:25.919 or bad whatever, and that's the build up for the tickets. 173 00:12:26.360 --> 00:12:28.840 I don't know what it is, but what I saw 174 00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:37.000 was an entire arena with that particular mindset they had. 175 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:41.120 They had different boxing matches. Of course, ray J's boxing 176 00:12:41.159 --> 00:12:45.399 match that was a boxing match with Orlando Brown, and 177 00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:48.320 then they had the Bad Girls boxing match, you know 178 00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:50.879 the television show to Bad Girls listen when we come 179 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:54.039 forward more from the Voice of. 180 00:12:54.200 --> 00:12:59.720 Reason, a little more work to do, and it's really 181 00:12:59.799 --> 00:13:01.840 an It doesn't happens pretty often, so I love that, 182 00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:07.960 Thank you very much. So it's great to be here. 183 00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:10.200 It is very late where I live. It is after 184 00:13:10.279 --> 00:13:14.639 ten o'clock, and so I will try to remain normal, 185 00:13:15.159 --> 00:13:18.399 but I do. I think it's why I'm only really 186 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:21.240 on the earlier shows and not on ED very often, 187 00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:24.240 because I get a little freer later in the evening. 188 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:29.279 So I'm really thrilled, particularly to have this opportunity to 189 00:13:29.559 --> 00:13:33.120 at this point be walking around the country and talking 190 00:13:33.200 --> 00:13:37.879 about my new book project, Sister Citizen. And it's exciting 191 00:13:37.919 --> 00:13:42.399 for me because it is this opportunity that I just 192 00:13:42.759 --> 00:13:46.240 I'm not sure I ever expected what happened. There's a 193 00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:49.600 part of me that still feels like the graduate student 194 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:54.919 dying for anybody to read anything that I've written, and 195 00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:57.799 so it is still always surprising to me when my 196 00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:01.039 work goes before me and people have read things that 197 00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:04.240 I've written. But then to have an opportunity and come 198 00:14:04.240 --> 00:14:07.120 and be in conversation about something as precious to me 199 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:10.559 and as overidentified as I am with this particular book 200 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:16.120 is fantastic, and especially I think in this political moment. 201 00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:17.720 When we are. 202 00:14:19.480 --> 00:14:21.720 As we gear up, I think for the twenty twelve 203 00:14:21.799 --> 00:14:26.600 election cycle, the difference at this moment than what we 204 00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:33.559 felt four years ago, with all of the angst and 205 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:39.559 the war and the economic crisis that we were experiencing 206 00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:42.879 in two thousand and eight, there was nonetheless a sense 207 00:14:43.039 --> 00:14:47.080 of dare I say it, hopefulness in the American electorate, 208 00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:50.519 a kind of willingness to imagine that we could still 209 00:14:50.600 --> 00:14:55.000 find answers to our collective problems. And I sense in 210 00:14:55.120 --> 00:14:59.480 so many ways that really disconnected from even who the 211 00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:04.159 candidate are or the parties, there's a sense of angst 212 00:15:04.519 --> 00:15:06.720 about whether or not we still believe that we have 213 00:15:06.840 --> 00:15:11.200 the capacity to find answers together across our differences. And 214 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:13.639 so I'm also excited to be here because I'm hoping 215 00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:16.600 that we can have a conversation not only about the 216 00:15:16.600 --> 00:15:20.200 book project, but hopefully that will open up some discourse 217 00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:26.320 about our current political moment. So Sister Citizen is a 218 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:28.600 book that took me way too long to write, it's 219 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:31.639 not my fault. It's my daughter's fault. She's nine and 220 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:33.120 a half. And that's about how long it took the 221 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:38.000 book to be written. The first two years of her life. 222 00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:41.320 I don't even think I saw anything above like this height. 223 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:44.639 You know, you're just looking down all the time. But 224 00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:48.720 part of the process of rearing a little black girl 225 00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:51.399 child was to make Sister Citizen that much more important for. 226 00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:51.799 Me to write. 227 00:15:52.679 --> 00:15:55.960 I am interested in this book in trying to think 228 00:15:56.000 --> 00:16:00.919 about black women's interior lives as a site of citizenship. 229 00:16:02.120 --> 00:16:04.240 And so that makes it odd. You know, if you 230 00:16:04.279 --> 00:16:08.159 ask people in Intro American government, as I often, do 231 00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:11.120 you know what is politics or what is political science? 232 00:16:11.559 --> 00:16:15.200 You know, they say things like voting elections, we have 233 00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:17.919 three branches of government, you know, that sort of thing. 234 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:20.919 And this book is not about any of that. It's 235 00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:23.960 really not about the way that black women behave when 236 00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:27.639 they go to the voting booth. It's not really about 237 00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:30.919 the choices that African American women make when they decide 238 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:33.080 to run for office or choose not to. 239 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:35.480 It's not, for the. 240 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:38.919 Most part, even about what our current office holders or 241 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:42.799 historical office holders have done in the realm of the 242 00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:45.600 world that we think of and identify clearly as the 243 00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:50.960 political world. Instead, it's a claim about what it feels 244 00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:55.600 like to try to do the work of citizenship when 245 00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:59.039 you are in a body that is racialized and gendered 246 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:06.440 in a way that produces shame, fear, and distress. 247 00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:11.400 I was pregnant at thirty, divorced at thirty one, lost 248 00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:15.279 at thirty two. How else would I have ended up 249 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:18.839 in a place called Rudines. It really is no other explanation. 250 00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:24.599 Rudine's was an institution. It sat in a strip mall 251 00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:28.039 on a street, Batty's Ford Road, that had once been 252 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:30.480 the heart of the new black middle class in Charlotte, 253 00:17:30.519 --> 00:17:34.519 North Carolina. That's where I'm from. As went the fortunes 254 00:17:34.559 --> 00:17:40.279 of black home ownership, entrepreneurship, wealth creation, citizenship, and health, 255 00:17:40.839 --> 00:17:43.680 so went Baty's Ford Road. You know every town has 256 00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:49.519 that street, right, Rudines held on. So did Rudine. The 257 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:52.559 establishment was named for its owner, even though it perhaps 258 00:17:52.599 --> 00:17:54.640 would have been would have sounded better were it not. 259 00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:57.319 But I do not tell old black people nothing. It 260 00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:02.240 is rude. What wasn't rude was Route's reputation. You grew 261 00:18:02.359 --> 00:18:04.960 up on jokes in Charlotte, North Carolina, about the old 262 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:07.920 players and the aging flygirls living out their glory days 263 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:11.960 at Rudine's, that nightclub that also sold fried fish plates 264 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:15.200 and chicken wings. You had to get there early because 265 00:18:15.240 --> 00:18:18.359 parking was slim pickings, and there were only maybe a 266 00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:21.000 dozen or so tables pressed up against a long wall 267 00:18:21.079 --> 00:18:24.160 on the empty side of the room. The other wall 268 00:18:24.279 --> 00:18:27.039 had the bar, which was wrapped in that tufted pleather, 269 00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:31.480 you know, papered with liquor ads featuring smiling, glorious black 270 00:18:31.480 --> 00:18:35.119 people living the high life. You ordered your fish at 271 00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:38.279 the bar. If you were early enough, you could eat 272 00:18:38.279 --> 00:18:41.240 it at a table as bodies pressed by you, inching 273 00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:45.359 and beat together. After you ate, if you were feeling 274 00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:49.079 extra festive and didn't have the itis, you slid through 275 00:18:49.079 --> 00:18:52.279 those bodies in an oddly narrow doorway into a second 276 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:55.799 room in the back, narrow like the front room, but 277 00:18:55.880 --> 00:18:59.079 in a different direction, horizontal to the front room's vertical. 278 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:03.799 This was the makeshift dance floor. Going to Rudin's your 279 00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:07.480 first time was a write of passage. In your teens, 280 00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:10.440 you laughed at Rudine's. Right in your twenties, you joked 281 00:19:10.440 --> 00:19:12.559 about the sugar daddies, you might one day meet at 282 00:19:12.599 --> 00:19:16.240 Rudine's when you hit thirty. You busted your Rudine's cherry 283 00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:20.279 on my first of only two visits to Rudines, and 284 00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:24.079 I promised I only went twice. I sat alone at 285 00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:26.680 the bar waiting for friends as a man sidled up 286 00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:31.359 next to me. He talked as they do. I mostly 287 00:19:31.400 --> 00:19:34.640 demurred as I do, and I waited on my croker 288 00:19:34.680 --> 00:19:39.119 plate fried hard. Just before he asked me for my 289 00:19:39.160 --> 00:19:42.400 phone number, he said, And I really can still see 290 00:19:42.440 --> 00:19:43.400 him in my mind's eye. 291 00:19:44.119 --> 00:19:44.440 Mmmm. 292 00:19:45.400 --> 00:19:49.559 Yo hair, dick yo, nostick your lipstick. 293 00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:50.960 All of you just thick. 294 00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:55.240 It was true, if not artfully stated. 295 00:19:56.279 --> 00:20:04.160 Yeah, I love that Tressy mcma and Cottam presents thick boy. 296 00:20:04.519 --> 00:20:09.960 Let me tell you something. Come on, man, let me 297 00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:15.519 tell you now. Shout out to State Farm Marena in Atlanta, 298 00:20:16.160 --> 00:20:21.000 cause it was thick up in there. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, 299 00:20:21.240 --> 00:20:26.519 but I'm having this conversation because we're talking about the 300 00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:31.799 condition of black love in general, and of course I 301 00:20:31.880 --> 00:20:35.000 love using the term some but all, some but not all. 302 00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:39.519 We're not speaking in absolutes here, but when we're looking 303 00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:46.279 at the digital footprint that's being left on a younger generation. Right, 304 00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:52.039 Like we were talking earlier about how when I was 305 00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:54.519 coming up, the thing to look at that was the 306 00:20:54.559 --> 00:20:59.480 most crazy was Faces of Death. And I never watched it. 307 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:02.279 I saw like a quick clip and that was enough. 308 00:21:02.279 --> 00:21:03.759 I say, oh, I don't need to see I don't 309 00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:06.920 need to see that. But that was like the danger 310 00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:12.480 thing that is cold. That's a cold cup of tea 311 00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:16.240 right now compared to what's you don't understand what compared 312 00:21:16.279 --> 00:21:20.640 to what's happening now. And I'm saying now, it's being monetized, 313 00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:25.400 right The toxicity of the culture is being monetized and 314 00:21:25.559 --> 00:21:29.119 shot through the veins of social media, and the kids 315 00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:33.960 are being addicted and becoming addicted to it. Validation comparison culture, 316 00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:38.640 she ugly, she light skin, she dark skinned. All of 317 00:21:38.680 --> 00:21:41.680 this is happening within our community. And we started this 318 00:21:41.720 --> 00:21:45.720 conversation by talking about the modeling of early childhood, but 319 00:21:45.799 --> 00:21:50.079 then we progress to the modeling of society and now 320 00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:55.640 the modeling of social media. Talk to me, Brett, how 321 00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.680 do we break the pattern and get the hell up 322 00:21:58.720 --> 00:21:59.240 out of here. 323 00:22:01.400 --> 00:22:06.200 That's that's getting an answer in one session. That's definitely 324 00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:09.039 not going to have it. But I do think that 325 00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:12.799 we have entered a space where it has become difficult 326 00:22:12.920 --> 00:22:22.200 to discern from healthy reality and dysfunctional reality. So we 327 00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:25.599 talked about places of death, which is a great example, right, 328 00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:28.799 and we're so past that. For those who are not 329 00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:31.839 sure what we're referring to, just google faces of death, right. 330 00:22:32.279 --> 00:22:35.240 And for this time, it was the most outrageous thing 331 00:22:35.359 --> 00:22:40.799 you can put. Right, And like you mentioned, we're far 332 00:22:41.440 --> 00:22:46.480 past that. So when we're talking about pushing the envelope 333 00:22:46.519 --> 00:22:51.640 and what we are desensitized to, that carries into that, 334 00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:55.559 goes against, goes along that line of where you're speaking 335 00:22:55.599 --> 00:23:02.000 of modeling, right, And so what we've thought was the 336 00:23:02.119 --> 00:23:06.559 right thing, the best thing in terms of relationships, it 337 00:23:06.680 --> 00:23:09.640 is proven to be even more difficult or not the 338 00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:13.400 case now, right, And it can be confusing. It can 339 00:23:13.440 --> 00:23:18.400 be confusing for so many people, especially of a certain ay, right. 340 00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:22.440 But so let me ask you this, what's the difference? 341 00:23:23.240 --> 00:23:28.400 Because typically we go back to what's familiar, and if 342 00:23:28.400 --> 00:23:32.960 that early modeling was toxic or fractured or broken in 343 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:39.559 some way, that becomes like that's the home design or 344 00:23:39.640 --> 00:23:43.359 the home pattern, and we tend to attract people that 345 00:23:43.519 --> 00:23:47.559 resemble that, right, We go back to these re enactments, 346 00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:51.480 so to speak. Yeah, right, we go back to that. 347 00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:56.240 If we want healthy relationship, doesn't it stand to reason 348 00:23:56.640 --> 00:24:01.279 that we would have to break that pattern, effectively breaking 349 00:24:01.400 --> 00:24:05.359 up with the home kind of formula where the formula 350 00:24:05.400 --> 00:24:07.440 we got from home? Do we have to break that? 351 00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:10.920 And if we do, how do we attempt to break that? Bread? 352 00:24:14.039 --> 00:24:17.240 You hit on something that's actually very poignant because when 353 00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:21.720 you're talking about breaking that pattern, especially of the earlier 354 00:24:21.759 --> 00:24:28.400 time or find foundational time, often we stay in certain 355 00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:32.960 behaviors or create adaptive behaviors, right, or that are often 356 00:24:32.960 --> 00:24:36.640 seen as maladaptive, which is behaviors that are not usual 357 00:24:36.720 --> 00:24:42.119 or helpful. And ultimately these are things that bring us comfort, right, 358 00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:47.640 we get to a place where it's just comfortable to 359 00:24:47.720 --> 00:24:51.480 be in that rather than invest in change, right, And 360 00:24:51.599 --> 00:24:54.920 actually investing in change can be scary. Rather we're talking 361 00:24:54.960 --> 00:25:06.279 about from trauma or from attachment, right, whatever the case, right, right, right, man, So. 362 00:25:06.200 --> 00:25:08.880 You're telling me, if the home is bereft of love, 363 00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:12.279 then when love shows up in your life, it is 364 00:25:12.279 --> 00:25:16.440 seen as a threat in some cases, stay right there, 365 00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:19.160 don't go nowhere, Brett. Is only when we come forward 366 00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:21.519 the voice of reason. We're going to come right back 367 00:25:21.559 --> 00:25:24.359 to Brett. Brett Ridley is cooking right now. Elsie has 368 00:25:24.519 --> 00:25:26.680 w He's in there on fire. I'm on fire. I 369 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:28.240 want to hear from you. The number to Dowe one 370 00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:30.200 eight nine, twenty fifteen eighty. 371 00:25:30.319 --> 00:25:30.839 Let's get it. 372 00:25:31.440 --> 00:25:35.920 Hold on handy. You know, I get upset a little bit, 373 00:25:35.960 --> 00:25:40.880 because why why the playlists gotta be better than our relationships? 374 00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:46.000 The playlist sounds so lush and beautiful. Andy in here 375 00:25:46.039 --> 00:25:49.720 acting a fool? He he done played the kindred soul? 376 00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:52.440 Is that the name of the group come on and 377 00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:57.559 the playlist be fire? The relationships be on fire. Go ahead, Andy, 378 00:25:57.599 --> 00:25:58.200 play again. 379 00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:10.319 Poetic in its brevity and clarity, no other arrangement of 380 00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:17.119 five common words could better reveal the contradictions confining enslaved 381 00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:23.039 black women's options for sustained romantic love and marriage during 382 00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:27.519 their years of bondage in this country. When twenty four 383 00:26:27.599 --> 00:26:32.200 year old Margaret Peggy Garner uttered these words to her 384 00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:36.359 husband Robert on her deathbed, she certainly was not the 385 00:26:36.640 --> 00:26:41.000 first among black women in America to change her mind 386 00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:50.240 about the benefits of marriage. While legally enslaved, the singular 387 00:26:50.359 --> 00:26:54.119 message gleaned from the initial two hundred and fifty year 388 00:26:54.279 --> 00:26:58.799 period of black and voluntary presence in this country. Is 389 00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:04.079 that slavery constituted the first battlefield in America's war on 390 00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:10.519 African American marriage, making marriage unstable and unworkable for millions 391 00:27:10.559 --> 00:27:15.960 of African descendants. This fact must be tempered, however, by 392 00:27:16.119 --> 00:27:21.279 testaments of bond person's inscrutable capacity to make a way 393 00:27:21.480 --> 00:27:25.039 out of no way in the thick of their daily 394 00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:31.519 battle for love. Not all vanquished by slavery, succumbed to 395 00:27:31.599 --> 00:27:35.160 the forces bent on destroying their bonds of affection. 396 00:27:36.519 --> 00:27:40.880 That's forbidden black love? Am I right? And who is 397 00:27:40.920 --> 00:27:46.759 the sister reading Diane Stewart? Forbidden black love? Now, no, no, 398 00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:48.720 let me just stop. There was a time when black 399 00:27:48.759 --> 00:27:51.519 love in America was forbidden, Black marriage, all of it. 400 00:27:51.880 --> 00:27:56.279 And now if we throw in the intergenerational piece of 401 00:27:56.319 --> 00:28:01.200