WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.759 Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched 2 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:06.400 and possibility takes the mic. 3 00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:10.640 I'm Leah Rowing, human in permanent. 4 00:00:10.279 --> 00:00:15.439 Beta, neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to one 5 00:00:15.720 --> 00:00:21.160 legendary soul, and your no Fluff Permission slate to stop waiting. 6 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:26.519 Every week we rewire brain patterns, smash hand me down mindsets, 7 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:30.559 and die into the daring identity shifting conversations. 8 00:00:31.039 --> 00:00:35.960 Most people got ready to turn potential into proof. Grab 9 00:00:36.039 --> 00:00:36.439 your pen. 10 00:00:37.079 --> 00:00:44.840 Your next chapter starts now. Hello, Hello, my friends, Welcome 11 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:48.960 to the Becoming You Show. I am your host, Leah Rolling, 12 00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:53.119 and I am so excited that you're joining me for 13 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:55.960 this conversation I am. 14 00:00:56.679 --> 00:00:58.320 I'm going to let you know. I'm gonna give you 15 00:00:58.399 --> 00:00:58.920 fair warning. 16 00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:02.000 I'm gonna be a little feis today because this is 17 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:04.599 an important one. I like to think that all the 18 00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:08.079 conversations are impactful in some way, at least it's my hope, 19 00:01:08.599 --> 00:01:11.319 But this one, in particular is one that I keep 20 00:01:11.359 --> 00:01:14.319 meeting and meeting and meeting in my coaching calls and 21 00:01:14.359 --> 00:01:18.560 in the world. And I'm probably not going to hold back. 22 00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:23.599 So get ready and we're going to dive right in. 23 00:01:23.760 --> 00:01:29.400 So somebody says something to you, okay, one sentence. Maybe 24 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:32.719 maybe it's a text, Maybe it's a look across the table. 25 00:01:33.079 --> 00:01:36.680 Maybe it is a comment in a meeting that they 26 00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:40.359 didn't even think twice about. Maybe it's a mention or 27 00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:42.200 a comment on a post that. 28 00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:46.439 You have on any of. 29 00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:50.799 Your social media profiles. And it takes you out. It 30 00:01:50.840 --> 00:01:53.799 takes you out, not for a minute, but for the 31 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:59.280 entire day. Right, you're playing it in the shower that night, 32 00:01:59.359 --> 00:02:03.000 you are writing the response right that you're probably not 33 00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:06.439 actually going to send. You are lying in bed at 34 00:02:06.480 --> 00:02:10.240 eleven o'clock still chewing on it. And this is true 35 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:13.159 for what was said, and it's also true for messages 36 00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:14.400 that you send that just. 37 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:15.800 Go ghost it, okay. 38 00:02:16.199 --> 00:02:20.240 So wherever you are meeting me in this conversation, just 39 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:22.639 know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if what 40 00:02:22.759 --> 00:02:25.879 was said or if it was what was ghosted. 41 00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:26.479 Okay. 42 00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:28.439 And here's the part that I want you to get 43 00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:33.159 upset about, maybe just a little, Matt. The person that 44 00:02:33.240 --> 00:02:35.719 said the thing, or the person that ghosted you in 45 00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:41.680 the thing, they're asleep, they forgot, they have zero idea, 46 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:47.240 no clue, right that you've been carrying. They're one careless sentence, 47 00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:52.680 there one careless comment or a lack of comment altogether 48 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:54.400 around like a second job. 49 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:59.039 Okay, you gave them a full day. I want you 50 00:02:59.080 --> 00:02:59.719 to consider this. 51 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:03.159 You gave them a full day of your one and 52 00:03:03.319 --> 00:03:06.400 only life, and we are done. 53 00:03:06.599 --> 00:03:08.719 We are done with that today. Okay. 54 00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:12.479 And I want to be clear right up front, because 55 00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:18.639 this word gets misheard fast. Okay, I'm not going to 56 00:03:18.639 --> 00:03:21.680 teach you today to care less. You should know my 57 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:24.360 heart by now. I'm not going to teach you to 58 00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:27.439 go cold and to wall up and to walk around, 59 00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:30.439 you know, with your chest puffed out and the volume 60 00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:33.639 turned down on the world so that you are unreachable. 61 00:03:34.439 --> 00:03:39.840 It's not the title of this show, of this episode, 62 00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:45.120 I'm going to teach you something most people do not 63 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:53.199 even know is possible, and that is becoming unoffendable, unoffendable. Now, 64 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:55.599 before you go and tell me that you're not all 65 00:03:55.599 --> 00:04:00.400 that easily offendable, right, I want you to consider that anychjudgment, 66 00:04:01.159 --> 00:04:05.520 any judgment that you have against anyone else for any 67 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:10.919 reason at all, right, is someone that allows themselves to 68 00:04:10.919 --> 00:04:11.520 be offended. 69 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:15.479 Right. So if you think thoughts like they shouldn't do that, 70 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:20.040 or they should do it this way. That is judgment. 71 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:25.160 That is judgment, and in that judgment, you are allowing 72 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:26.000 yourself to. 73 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:29.480 Become offended, becoming offended by the very thing that they 74 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:32.040 didn't do that they should have, or that they did 75 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:35.680 that they shouldn't have. Okay, and let me say the 76 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:39.399 thing almost nobody says. A lot of us are addicted 77 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:43.240 to it a little bit because being offended feels good, 78 00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:47.240 it feels righteous. It puts us in the right and 79 00:04:47.279 --> 00:04:52.319 then in the wrong, and being right is really a 80 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:54.399 comfortable place for us to kind of set up camp. 81 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:59.240 So part of this conversation today is going to be 82 00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:04.240 admitting that you have been getting something out of staying 83 00:05:04.279 --> 00:05:10.959 offendable and then the practice of just becoming unoffendable. 84 00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:12.800 Okay, And I'm going to walk you through the whole thing. 85 00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:19.839 So what is what is being offendable? What is it actually? Okay, 86 00:05:20.519 --> 00:05:26.079 so let's talk about what it's not. Unoffendable is not numb. 87 00:05:26.839 --> 00:05:27.399 It's not numb. 88 00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:29.199 Like I said, I'm not going to ask you to 89 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:32.800 feel less. That is not strength. And it doesn't even work, 90 00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:35.160 by the way, because the stuff that you think you're 91 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:37.360 finding a way, the stuff that you think that you're numbing. 92 00:05:38.360 --> 00:05:40.759 Doesn't go away, It doesn't just leave. 93 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:42.160 It just goes. 94 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:45.319 Underground and runs the show from down there. So we 95 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:49.759 can thank the fines for that. It's not a wall either, right, 96 00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:51.600 and this is the one that a lot of people miss, 97 00:05:52.360 --> 00:05:53.160 the same wall. 98 00:05:53.199 --> 00:05:55.600 I want you to consider this, you guys, the same 99 00:05:55.759 --> 00:06:01.399 wall that keeps the insult out, that keeps the offense out, 100 00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:05.000 keeps the love out too. Right. The people with the 101 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:09.360 thickest armor are not the safest people. They're not. 102 00:06:10.079 --> 00:06:14.600 They're the loneliest I find most times. Okay, that's that 103 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:18.959 is not what we're building here. What we're building is sovereignty. 104 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:24.680 Unoffendable is sovereignty. It's becoming the kind of person who 105 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:28.199 cannot get knocked over, not because nothing reaches you, but 106 00:06:28.199 --> 00:06:31.240 because you finally took back the one thing that you 107 00:06:31.319 --> 00:06:36.319 kept handing away to anybody who wanted it, and that is. 108 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:39.639 The keys to your own inner world. 109 00:06:39.959 --> 00:06:42.720 So here's the thing that nobody tells you about offense, 110 00:06:43.519 --> 00:06:46.079 and it's the line that I want you to actually 111 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:52.360 let land because it changes everything. And almost nobody will 112 00:06:52.399 --> 00:06:56.480 coach you into this, okay, And that is this offence 113 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:02.240 is not something that happens to you. Offence is something 114 00:07:02.439 --> 00:07:07.279 you do now. The first time people hear this, it 115 00:07:07.399 --> 00:07:11.560 sounds like I'm blaming you for your own pain, and 116 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:16.759 I'm not. I am handing you your own power. There's 117 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:22.040 a huge difference. There's a huge difference. And this is 118 00:07:22.040 --> 00:07:26.519 where we're gonna go today, because between what somebody says 119 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:30.480 or doesn't say and what. 120 00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:32.279 You feel, there is a gap. 121 00:07:32.720 --> 00:07:36.279 There's a space, and it doesn't feel like one, and 122 00:07:36.319 --> 00:07:40.959 it feels instant, like the comment went in right and 123 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:44.480 the hurt came right out with nothing in the middle. 124 00:07:45.079 --> 00:07:48.199 But there is always something, always something in the middle. 125 00:07:49.240 --> 00:07:52.360 And that is a thought. Okay, it is the meaning 126 00:07:52.600 --> 00:07:53.680 that you gave the thing. 127 00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:57.160 It is the story that you told yourself about what 128 00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:00.839 it meant that they said what they said. 129 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:05.560 Okay, the comment what was. 130 00:08:05.480 --> 00:08:08.959 Said or again, what was not said. I coach a 131 00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:14.920 lot around ghosting. Okay, that did not create the feeling. 132 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:18.480 The meaning that you gave the comment or the ghosting 133 00:08:18.600 --> 00:08:21.279 created the feeling. Same sentence. I want you to consider 134 00:08:21.279 --> 00:08:24.800 this too, same sentence, two different people. One is wrecked 135 00:08:24.839 --> 00:08:30.000 for a week, the other one barely blinks. Why the 136 00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:33.000 words were identical? The only thing that changed was the 137 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:37.759 thought that each person had about it. Okay, And if 138 00:08:37.759 --> 00:08:40.159 your thought is the thing that's creating the feeling, then 139 00:08:40.200 --> 00:08:44.000 your power has been sitting right where you left it 140 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:48.159 the whole time. You are not at the mercy of 141 00:08:48.240 --> 00:08:51.639 every careless thing that every person says or doesn't say, 142 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:57.200 or does or doesn't do, right, you are at the 143 00:08:57.360 --> 00:09:02.559 mercy to your own thinking about it. And your own 144 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:05.240 thinking about it is the one thing in all of 145 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:11.000 this that actually belongs to you. So I'm not minimizing 146 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:17.519 your pain. I'm offering your power. So the refrain I 147 00:09:17.559 --> 00:09:19.960 want you to hear today and I'll keep coming back to, 148 00:09:20.159 --> 00:09:26.000 is when you got offended, you made a decision. You 149 00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:28.600 just didn't realize that you are making one. 150 00:09:29.480 --> 00:09:35.039 Okay. So let's take the two directions that you get 151 00:09:35.080 --> 00:09:36.240 moved from. And we're going to. 152 00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:38.919 Start with the outside because it's the easiest one, right. 153 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:40.759 Most of us are very well aware of that, right. 154 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:44.000 So the outside is the other people. It's it's their opinions, 155 00:09:44.039 --> 00:09:46.200 it's their reactions, it's their reads on you. It's the 156 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.799 things that they say or the things that they don't 157 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:50.600 say that you feel anyway. 158 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:54.720 And here's what you have to make peace. 159 00:09:54.440 --> 00:09:57.480 With You've just got to make peace with this, friends, 160 00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:00.000 because there's no version of your life where this is. 161 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:00.519 That's not true. 162 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:05.320 People are going to have opinions about you that are wrong. 163 00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:10.440 They are going to have opinions of you that are unkind. 164 00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:12.279 That is not the risk. 165 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:18.240 Hey, that is a guarantee. As long as you are visible, 166 00:10:19.399 --> 00:10:21.399 hear me say this. As long as you are visible, 167 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:23.919 as long as you are doing anything that matters at all, 168 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:26.600 as long as you are putting yourself out there with 169 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:33.679 any level of authenticity, genuineness, passion, anything at all that matters, 170 00:10:33.960 --> 00:10:37.480 somebody is going to be wrong about you. Someone is 171 00:10:37.480 --> 00:10:40.200 going to get you wrong, and some of them are 172 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:41.639 actually going to say what. 173 00:10:41.720 --> 00:10:42.679 They think out loud. 174 00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:48.759 You cannot control that, and you will burn and I've 175 00:10:48.759 --> 00:10:52.279 seen it happen your whole life down trying. 176 00:10:52.879 --> 00:10:53.039 So. 177 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:55.759 The work is not to get every person to see 178 00:10:55.799 --> 00:11:00.000 you correctly. The work is to stop treating every opinion 179 00:11:00.120 --> 00:11:05.720 in like a verdict that you are required to answer, 180 00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:08.960 that you are required to respond to, that you are 181 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:16.080 required to hurt from. Somebody's opinion of you is information 182 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:21.080 about them, not a ruling about you. When a person 183 00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:24.720 tells you who they think you are. They are showing 184 00:11:24.759 --> 00:11:27.799 you their lens, they are showing you their fears, they 185 00:11:27.799 --> 00:11:30.879 are showing you the kind of day that they are having. 186 00:11:32.519 --> 00:11:39.360 The story that they run about people like you is 187 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:47.120 about them, right. They are offering up to you a 188 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:48.639 window inside of them. 189 00:11:49.240 --> 00:11:54.679 They're not reporting a fact about you, and so you'll 190 00:11:54.679 --> 00:12:00.480 get to take it exactly as it is and has 191 00:12:00.519 --> 00:12:03.480 always been. It's a data point about them, and you 192 00:12:03.519 --> 00:12:06.200 can look at it and if there is something true. 193 00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:10.080 In there, take it, grow, keep moving. You are not 194 00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:12.480 too fragile to hear our things. 195 00:12:13.960 --> 00:12:20.399 You're not, and you can stop standing trial for the 196 00:12:20.440 --> 00:12:27.720 things that that you were never actually charged with. And 197 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:31.600 the minute you stop doing that, it loses all its power. 198 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:37.399 It loses all its power. So we can just let 199 00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:41.759 what was said be said, and we can take on 200 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:45.159 any truth of that. Most of the time what people 201 00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:47.200 have to offer, I can find some truth in it. 202 00:12:47.919 --> 00:12:52.639 If people tell me that I am reckless with my words, 203 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:55.519 yeah for sure, sometimes I can be. When people tell 204 00:12:55.519 --> 00:13:01.080 me that I'm selfish about the amount of self care 205 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:03.039 I offer to myself, yeah, you're probably right. 206 00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:07.279 I don't find any offense to it, because it's all 207 00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:08.240 things about myself. 208 00:13:08.240 --> 00:13:13.080 That I've made peace with. I'm a human that's going 209 00:13:13.080 --> 00:13:19.759 to be imperfect. Okay, so what else you got right? 210 00:13:19.799 --> 00:13:22.879 When people want to criticize me, I often say, you're like, hey, 211 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:24.000 we should just do lunch sometime. 212 00:13:24.080 --> 00:13:24.919 We have a lot in common. 213 00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:27.759 There's no one that's gonna be more critical of me 214 00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:28.840 than me, and we'll get to that. 215 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:34.840 So get in line, buddy, and stop taking everything so seriously. Okay, 216 00:13:35.159 --> 00:13:36.240 so that's outside. 217 00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:38.720 We're gonna let it be outside, and we're gonna let 218 00:13:38.759 --> 00:13:42.639 whatever they say right allow us to learn something more 219 00:13:42.679 --> 00:13:45.600 about ourselves where we have judgment of self, or we're 220 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:47.240 just gonna give it back to them and say, huh, 221 00:13:47.320 --> 00:13:48.279 you could just be wrong about me. 222 00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:52.960 It's no problem. Okay, Now we get to work on 223 00:13:52.960 --> 00:13:53.440 the inside. 224 00:13:53.559 --> 00:13:55.799 Okay, this is the hard one, and this is the 225 00:13:55.799 --> 00:13:58.559 one that almost everybody skips because it's kind of uncomfortable. 226 00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:01.919 But it is the way that matters the most. Okay, 227 00:14:02.159 --> 00:14:07.240 your meanest critic is probably not the person who said 228 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:12.919 the thing. It's you. It is you. So here is 229 00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:17.279 what actually happens when something gets us right. 230 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:24.519 Somebody says a careless thing, somebody says what they say, okay, 231 00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:26.840 and then your own mind picks it up off the 232 00:14:26.840 --> 00:14:29.960 floor and you build a whole case out of it. 233 00:14:30.840 --> 00:14:36.480 They say one offhand comment, and a voice inside you goes, see, 234 00:14:36.799 --> 00:14:37.320 I knew it. 235 00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:38.440 I told you. 236 00:14:38.679 --> 00:14:42.159 This proves the thing that you've always quietly been afraid 237 00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:48.159 is true about you. They must be right, and then 238 00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:50.600 there's tremendous shame, and when that doesn't feel great, then 239 00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:53.000 there's blame for them for saying the thing, and that 240 00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:57.639 blame shame loop is exhausting, and we just have to 241 00:14:57.639 --> 00:15:00.879 come back to the truth of what happened. The truth 242 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:06.279 is they dropped a sentence and walked off. You were 243 00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:09.360 the one that took it home. You are the one 244 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:12.320 that took it home, into the shower, into your sleep, 245 00:15:13.159 --> 00:15:16.639 into the next day. 246 00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:20.000 And I also want to bring this to you with love. 247 00:15:20.519 --> 00:15:26.279 Is that voice inside doesn't need much, It doesn't need 248 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:30.320 a whole lot of provoking. It could take one careless 249 00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:34.320 thing that a stranger said, something that you don't even 250 00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:40.000 know on your social in your day to day, and 251 00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:42.399 use it to confirm a story that you have been 252 00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:45.120 telling yourself for years decades. 253 00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:51.320 Being unoffendable on the inside means you stop letting it, 254 00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:56.639 You stop loaning your peace to people. Today today you stop. 255 00:15:58.120 --> 00:16:01.600 I would love for you to just announce that to 256 00:16:01.639 --> 00:16:05.320 yourself today, I stop. Make that be that demarcation line 257 00:16:05.320 --> 00:16:09.000 in your world and say, today I stop, I stop 258 00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:12.480 giving my peace to other people. And I want you 259 00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:18.200 to think about how strange that arrangement that you've made 260 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:24.000 with your life is. Some person, Okay, let's break this down, 261 00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:26.720 because I really want you just to be able to 262 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:33.440 stop like today, full stop. So some person, okay, having 263 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:38.320 probably not their best day, maybe their worst moment, says something, 264 00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:43.600 says a thoughtless thing, and you take that thoughtless thing 265 00:16:44.039 --> 00:16:44.639 and you. 266 00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:47.639 Give it the authority to be thoughtless to yourself. 267 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:51.480 You let the most careless version of somebody's worst day 268 00:16:52.039 --> 00:16:58.679 define you. You would never sign up for that on purpose, 269 00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:02.320 None of us would. But most of us are quietly 270 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:06.079 living inside that exact deal, that exact arrangement. When was 271 00:17:06.119 --> 00:17:10.519 that arrangement made. I want you to renegotiate the deal. 272 00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:15.519 You hold the pen, you get to write the new contract. 273 00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:18.039 You get to do that. 274 00:17:22.039 --> 00:17:24.400 And I hope that you do that today, and I 275 00:17:24.440 --> 00:17:27.759 hope that you come back to this conversation every time 276 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:32.000 you need the practice of doing it, because It is 277 00:17:32.039 --> 00:17:34.640 a practice, my friends, It is a practice. 278 00:17:35.559 --> 00:17:38.160 And so I want to take you. 279 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:44.720 Somewhere out where this conversation doesn't normally go because so 280 00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:49.799 far this sounds mostly about your feelings, okay, and about 281 00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:53.079 not having your day ruined right, not by the outside 282 00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:56.880 and not by your inside, and all of that matters. 283 00:17:57.480 --> 00:18:01.559 But this is so much bigger than your afternoon. This 284 00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:06.920 is so much bigger than your lack of rem sleep 285 00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:11.440 last night, and I need, I really really want you 286 00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:15.680 to feel the size of it. Okay, being offendable doesn't 287 00:18:15.759 --> 00:18:22.400 just cost you days rest sleep. It quietly makes decisions 288 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:29.279 for your entire life. Most people never catch it happening. Okay, 289 00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:34.039 So here's how it works. When you are somebody who 290 00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:43.799 gets moved right offended by what somebody else says, by 291 00:18:43.839 --> 00:18:48.160 what other people might think, you start managing for it 292 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:54.920 before you even act. It happens underneath you, kind of 293 00:18:55.039 --> 00:19:00.480 below that waterline. You don't send the message because what 294 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:01.480 if they take it wrong. 295 00:19:01.720 --> 00:19:03.200 You don't say what. 296 00:19:03.079 --> 00:19:07.359 You actually want to say because you don't want to 297 00:19:07.400 --> 00:19:11.759 be that disruptive. You don't raise your hand in the 298 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:14.680 room because what if it sounds dumb? 299 00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:19.240 What if you actually don't know the answer. What if 300 00:19:19.240 --> 00:19:22.000 it's just a guess right, You. 301 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:25.240 Don't start the thing, launch the thing, apply for the thing, 302 00:19:25.640 --> 00:19:29.039 say the thing, because some part of you already knows 303 00:19:29.880 --> 00:19:33.640 and is bracing for how it might land and who 304 00:19:34.680 --> 00:19:39.440 might have a comment about it. And so, without ever 305 00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:44.680 sitting down and choosing it, without ever rearranging right that arrangement, 306 00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:49.680 without redefining the contract, you start capping your own ceiling. 307 00:19:50.839 --> 00:19:53.079 You shrink the dream down to a. 308 00:19:53.079 --> 00:19:56.400 Size that feels safe from judgment. You soften the thing 309 00:19:56.400 --> 00:20:00.119 that you actually wanted to say you you live one 310 00:20:00.279 --> 00:20:07.039 inch smaller than you really are everywhere you go. And 311 00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:08.839 here's the part that gets me. It's the part that 312 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:10.519 I want to shake you on just a little bit. 313 00:20:11.960 --> 00:20:17.119 You don't call that fear. You call it being careful, 314 00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:22.960 You call it being realistic, You call it being humble, right, 315 00:20:23.240 --> 00:20:26.319 being appropriate, being a team player. 316 00:20:26.440 --> 00:20:29.160 It wears a lot of respectable. 317 00:20:28.599 --> 00:20:36.920 Labels, it does, but it is none of those things. 318 00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:37.880 It isn't. 319 00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:41.359 It's your life getting run by an arrangement that you 320 00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:43.039 made that you haven't renegotiated on. 321 00:20:43.319 --> 00:20:47.519 That's it. That was a decision. It was a. 322 00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:51.400 Decision to not play your life big, to not show 323 00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:57.759 up in your life with the full truth of who 324 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:01.480 you are, and most of us don't even realize we're 325 00:21:01.480 --> 00:21:03.400 making it right. 326 00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:05.119 So I want you to I want you to hear 327 00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:05.559 me say this. 328 00:21:05.799 --> 00:21:09.079 The tragedy in this, you guys, isn't isn't that you 329 00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:11.920 went for something great and got judged. I would love 330 00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:15.640 for you to do that, because then you get practice 331 00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:19.839 working on becoming unoffendable. That is not the tragedy. That's 332 00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:23.119 the gift. The tragedy is that you never went for it, 333 00:21:24.720 --> 00:21:26.039 and you never even knew. 334 00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:26.880 The reason. 335 00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:33.200 Was that you were protecting yourself from people whose opinions 336 00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:37.759 are not going to matter at all on the very 337 00:21:38.119 --> 00:21:41.519 on the very last day of your life. Because that 338 00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:46.519 really is what offendability costs. It's not a bad mood, 339 00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:50.279 it's not a ruined shower, it's not a restless night 340 00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:51.200 of sleep. 341 00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:53.200 It's a whole. 342 00:21:53.319 --> 00:21:57.960 Capped life, a whole capt life. That is the importance 343 00:21:58.000 --> 00:21:59.400 of this conversation today. 344 00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:01.000 So I want to. 345 00:22:01.000 --> 00:22:03.079 Clear up one thing before I hand you a practice, 346 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:07.759 because people get a little nervous, right, and I want 347 00:22:07.759 --> 00:22:11.640 to talk you out of it. Unoffendable does not mean 348 00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:13.799 that you let everything slide. It does not mean everything 349 00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:15.880 is fine. It does not mean that you don't have boundaries. 350 00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:18.279 It does not mean that you turn into a doormat 351 00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:21.720 who absorbs whatever anybody wants to hand you and just 352 00:22:21.880 --> 00:22:27.359 smiles and waves. That is not sovereignty. That is a 353 00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:32.440 level of self abandonment with better manners. Okay, I want 354 00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:37.720 you to hear the difference. You can become completely unoffended 355 00:22:37.720 --> 00:22:40.200 and still say no. You can be unbothered and still 356 00:22:40.200 --> 00:22:43.160 walk out the room. You can decline, you can address 357 00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:45.880 it straight. You can remove yourself from something that is 358 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:49.920 not okay all without your inner world getting set on fire. 359 00:22:50.839 --> 00:22:53.160 In fact, in fact, you. 360 00:22:53.160 --> 00:22:56.400 Will be able to make those calls, hold those boundaries 361 00:22:56.920 --> 00:23:00.799 from a steadier place than an offended one, because now 362 00:23:01.079 --> 00:23:04.359 you are choosing on purpose instead of reacting from a wound. 363 00:23:04.759 --> 00:23:07.480 You are deciding from a level of consciousness, from a 364 00:23:07.559 --> 00:23:10.559 level of intentionality, instead of just reacting to what the 365 00:23:10.599 --> 00:23:15.599 world will throw at you. So again, sovereignty is not 366 00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:18.640 the absence of care and standards. It's quite the opposite. 367 00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:22.400 It's honoring the standards with such a conviction that you 368 00:23:22.440 --> 00:23:26.200 don't have to prove them wrong for your own belief. 369 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:36.119 Okay, So when we do this work. Okay, this is 370 00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:38.240 what we get to do. Right. 371 00:23:39.359 --> 00:23:41.880 Number one, you take the piece off the table, and 372 00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:45.440 you do this in advance, on a calm day before 373 00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:51.119 any moment shows up. Right, it's really hard to negotiate 374 00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:55.799 this contract when your heart is pounding. 375 00:23:55.359 --> 00:23:57.000 And your body's on fire. 376 00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:03.000 You decide ahead of time that your steadiness, your nervous system, regulation, 377 00:24:03.119 --> 00:24:03.880 your peace is. 378 00:24:03.799 --> 00:24:05.079 Not up for grabs. 379 00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:07.559 It's not up for sale. Okay, that your inner world 380 00:24:08.119 --> 00:24:10.119 is not on offer to every person who. 381 00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:11.319 Wants to walk by with an opinion. 382 00:24:11.640 --> 00:24:14.119 Okay, you make it a settled thing right now, so 383 00:24:14.200 --> 00:24:17.240 when the moment comes, you're not deciding from a place 384 00:24:17.599 --> 00:24:18.200 of disruption. 385 00:24:18.640 --> 00:24:20.960 You already know who you are and how you're going 386 00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:26.200 to meet that moment. Okay. Second, two questions. Right when 387 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:27.000 you feel. 388 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:31.000 The heat, because you will, because you're human and you 389 00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:36.079 kind of feel that familiar poll to jade right, to justify, 390 00:24:36.119 --> 00:24:38.839 to argue, to defend, to explain, you get to ask 391 00:24:38.839 --> 00:24:40.160 yourself two things. 392 00:24:40.519 --> 00:24:45.519 One is this true? Is this true? Is what they're 393 00:24:45.559 --> 00:24:46.039 saying true? 394 00:24:46.039 --> 00:24:48.160 You'll probably find some truth to it, otherwise there wouldn't 395 00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:48.920 be the heat. 396 00:24:49.720 --> 00:24:54.440 Okay, work on the truth for you is this mind 397 00:24:54.440 --> 00:25:00.319 to carry. That's it. A lot of what comes up 398 00:25:02.279 --> 00:25:04.440 fails the carry part. You don't have to carry all 399 00:25:04.440 --> 00:25:06.279 of this. You just have to make peace with it. 400 00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:09.039 If there's truth to it, If there's not truth in it, 401 00:25:09.160 --> 00:25:13.200