WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.799 Thursday nights used to carry their own momentum, even if 2 00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:10.279 the day ran long, I could always count on that 3 00:00:10.359 --> 00:00:13.199 hour after dinner, when Matt and I would toss the 4 00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:15.839 board game box onto the coffee table and friends would 5 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:19.039 crowd into our apartment in a haze of laughter, beers 6 00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:22.920 and half played strategy matches. The old set was still 7 00:00:22.920 --> 00:00:27.440 there tonight, cards stacked, dice rattling under my thumb, except 8 00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:30.079 it was just me sitting at the edge of the sofa. 9 00:00:31.160 --> 00:00:33.960 Sasha had texted earlier to say she might swing by 10 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:36.600 if work let up, but it was already past eight 11 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:40.799 and she hadn't followed up. The apartment felt strangely hollow, 12 00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:43.840 as if all the noise had drained out and left 13 00:00:43.920 --> 00:00:47.000 just the subtle hum of the city outside our seventh 14 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:52.039 story window. Matt had texted three hours ago, sorry babe, 15 00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:55.479 massive headache with a client. Can't duck out of the call. 16 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:58.840 Love you. There had dee been a kiss emoji after 17 00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:02.520 love you, little placeholder, as if that could make up 18 00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:05.560 for him missing something. The friends now called Clara and 19 00:01:05.640 --> 00:01:08.319 Matt Game Night, even when it was only four of 20 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:12.040 us around a too small table. I imagined him on 21 00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:16.959 his laptop again, camera turned off, smoothing irritated clients through 22 00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:20.920 one of those impromptu tech emergencies that conveniently fell right 23 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:25.040 at the same time each week, his red windbreaker was 24 00:01:25.079 --> 00:01:27.640 thrown over the other end of the couch. I caught 25 00:01:27.640 --> 00:01:30.280 myself staring at it, the way you drift toward an 26 00:01:30.280 --> 00:01:33.519 object when you're trying to avoid real questions. I stood 27 00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:36.760 up to clear the table, clattering cards back into their box. 28 00:01:37.239 --> 00:01:39.040 There was a sticky ring on the glass from a 29 00:01:39.079 --> 00:01:42.480 seltzer I never drank, even after squeezing in a lime. 30 00:01:43.079 --> 00:01:45.439 I was about to hang mats jacket in the closet 31 00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:49.079 when something thin and glossy fell out from the inside pocket, 32 00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:54.480 fluttering to the rug. It was a restaurant receipt, neatly folded, 33 00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:57.000 the kind you get after a meal you don't want 34 00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:01.799 to forget. I bent down durante ironico. It read at 35 00:02:01.799 --> 00:02:05.680 the top, date Tuesday night, eight forty seven p m. 36 00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:10.360 Two pastors, a bottle of Montepulciano tiramasou three hundred and 37 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:13.520 forty eight dollars, including tip. My heart thudded in a 38 00:02:13.560 --> 00:02:17.319 direction that felt unnecessarily dramatic. It was just a receipt. 39 00:02:17.800 --> 00:02:21.000 I read the name twice, blinking. We went to Ournico 40 00:02:21.080 --> 00:02:24.479 maybe twice a year, always for our anniversary or when 41 00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:28.039 one of us landed something big at work. I couldn't 42 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:31.319 remember either of us mentioning the place lately, though Matt 43 00:02:31.360 --> 00:02:34.520 did bring it up once last summer, joking about how 44 00:02:34.520 --> 00:02:38.439 I always ordered the same dish. I turned the paper over. 45 00:02:38.840 --> 00:02:41.800 Nothing written on the back. There was a perfunctory thank 46 00:02:41.919 --> 00:02:45.319 you come again, in neat type, no signature. I tried 47 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:48.199 to walk myself backward. What was I doing? Tuesday night? 48 00:02:48.639 --> 00:02:50.919 I had an early consult up town and then dinner 49 00:02:50.960 --> 00:02:53.960 at home. Matt got back after nine, claimed the train 50 00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:57.599 was delayed. I'd half watched an episode of something trashy 51 00:02:57.639 --> 00:03:00.800 on Netflix. He joined me for the last half, already 52 00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:04.639 changed into his oldest sweats. I pushed the receipt back 53 00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:07.120 into the pocket and hung up the jacket, as if 54 00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:10.639 returning everything to its place would reset my thinking. Did 55 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:13.360 I even have a right to ask? God? It was 56 00:03:13.520 --> 00:03:17.680 just dinner. Matt was always meeting people, smoothing out deals, 57 00:03:17.960 --> 00:03:21.039 grabbing late night food with colleagues who half worshiped him 58 00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:25.159 for wrangling impossible projects into order. I reached for my phone, 59 00:03:25.560 --> 00:03:29.719 thumb hovering over his contact, but the only texts between 60 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:33.080 us were appointment reminders and a gift of a penguin 61 00:03:33.159 --> 00:03:36.639 he sent. While waiting for the subway, I dropped the 62 00:03:36.680 --> 00:03:39.759 phone on to the couch, suddenly ashamed of how quickly 63 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:43.919 my imagination ran to betrayal. I washed my face and 64 00:03:43.960 --> 00:03:46.439 sat on the bed, half listening to the city below, 65 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:50.199 replaying every moment from the past week that felt not wrong, 66 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:53.800 but a little slipperier than usual. Matt was working hard, 67 00:03:54.120 --> 00:03:58.240 I was being paranoid or missing something important. I told myself, 68 00:03:58.280 --> 00:04:00.680 half angry now that tomorrow I I'd laugh at this. 69 00:04:01.159 --> 00:04:04.159 Tomorrow we'd host Sasha and Pete, and Matt would tell 70 00:04:04.199 --> 00:04:07.280 some ridiculous story from his day, and maybe I'd roll 71 00:04:07.319 --> 00:04:09.599 my eyes at how much I overthink. When the nights 72 00:04:09.639 --> 00:04:14.120 go quiet, I didn't sleep much. If you'd ask me 73 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.600 a year ago, i'd have rattled off the details of 74 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:19.680 our relationship as if I was giving an interview. Met 75 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:22.720 at a rooftop networking event in late August, both a 76 00:04:22.759 --> 00:04:25.839 little too tipsy, both there mostly because we'd been guilt 77 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:29.040 tripped into it by friends. Matt had approached because he 78 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:32.399 liked my polka dotted shoes. I stayed talking to him 79 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:36.759 because he didn't seem like anyone i'd dated, fast talking, confident, 80 00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:41.279 full of funnier sides about the business world. The first 81 00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:43.959 time he invited me to brunch was a month later, 82 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:46.600 with a dozen of his friends and two of mine, 83 00:04:46.920 --> 00:04:50.639 all crammed into the picnic tables at Pine and Walnut Cafe, 84 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:55.000 already acting like we'd known each other for years. That 85 00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:59.199 first autumn together moved quickly, game nights every couple weeks 86 00:04:59.199 --> 00:05:02.800 in whatever apartment was biggest, afternoons at movies no one 87 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:06.040 else wanted to see. By our first Christmas, we'd half 88 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:10.199 combined apartments and spent mornings wandering the streets, armed with 89 00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:14.000 lattes and bagels, mapping out which buildings had the weirdest 90 00:05:14.040 --> 00:05:18.839 doorways or the prettiest Christmas lights strung up. It's impossible 91 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:22.720 to explain how natural those days felt, even at their busiest, 92 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:26.439 Matt threading his way through friends and business calls me 93 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:30.160 scribbling ideas in a notebook, always circling back to our 94 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:33.319 corner of the world. It's not as if things were 95 00:05:33.319 --> 00:05:37.160 ever perfect. Hard stop Matt could be frenetic, hyper focused, 96 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:41.240 almost competitive, even with himself At first, there were weeks 97 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:44.560 when he worked long hours, letting texts trail off before 98 00:05:44.600 --> 00:05:47.439 bouncing back and bringing me take out and apologizing for 99 00:05:47.519 --> 00:05:51.639 being a work hermit. I had my own flaws, moments 100 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:55.000 when I pulled away. Times I needed reassurance and hated 101 00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:58.439 asking for it, memories of a previous relationship that had 102 00:05:58.439 --> 00:06:03.199 conditioned me to brace against disappointment. But together, together we 103 00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:06.879 were good. I loved the peculiar intimacy of apartment life, 104 00:06:07.079 --> 00:06:10.879 the hissing radiator, the noisy neighbours above us, the familiarity 105 00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:14.040 with the old woman who ran the bakery downstairs. Matt 106 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:17.720 learned everyone's names within weeks, and before long they'd wave 107 00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:21.319 at us from stoops, slipping us extra pastries. He could 108 00:06:21.360 --> 00:06:24.199 light up a room, pull even the shyest people from 109 00:06:24.199 --> 00:06:27.120 their corners with a dirty joke or some half mad 110 00:06:27.160 --> 00:06:31.920 idea for an impromptu movie marathon. Professionally, we were complicated 111 00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:36.120 but compatible. I'd landed my first big interior design clients 112 00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:39.120 six months before our wedding. Matt was in the thick 113 00:06:39.160 --> 00:06:41.920 of consult contracts that took him from start up to 114 00:06:41.959 --> 00:06:47.079 start up, Always charming, always a little over caffeinated, Sunday nights, 115 00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:51.720 we'd open our laptops inches apart, sharing playlists and critique, 116 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:55.839 sometimes even mock staging our living room for fun. We 117 00:06:55.920 --> 00:06:57.879 made it a rule to eat dinner at the table, 118 00:06:58.279 --> 00:07:01.519 no matter how late things ran, because Matt said it 119 00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:04.839 gave us an excuse to talk like grown ups instead 120 00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:08.839 of feral freeloaders. There were routines that felt then as 121 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:11.720 solid as anything. The sticky notes Matt used to plaster 122 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:14.399 to my mirror when I was stressed, the particularly dumb 123 00:07:14.439 --> 00:07:17.079 hat he wore when cooking. The dance we did every 124 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:20.959 anniversary to the same acoustic cover we'd stumbled across on YouTube. 125 00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:25.360 Friends teased us about being relationship goals, which I both 126 00:07:25.439 --> 00:07:29.199 resented and loved. When my mother asked, with a finely 127 00:07:29.319 --> 00:07:33.439 sharpened skepticism she reserved for every man I dated, Matt 128 00:07:33.439 --> 00:07:37.439 didn't flinch. He brought her wild flowers and argued with 129 00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:40.800 her about city politics at dinner, and she'd later admit 130 00:07:41.079 --> 00:07:45.199 grudgingly that at least he's fun to argue with. Was 131 00:07:45.240 --> 00:07:47.759 it possible to trust some one so completely that you 132 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:51.240 ignored the ordinary cracks? If you'd asked, Even in my 133 00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:54.519 lowest moment, I'd have said, Matt is the real thing, 134 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:59.120 not perfect, but real. I never worried about trust, not truly, 135 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:04.000 not with my Still, people change so slowly you almost 136 00:08:04.040 --> 00:08:07.560 don't notice until one month blurs into the next and 137 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:11.920 you realize the things you counted on have started coming undone. 138 00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:14.879 By the second Thursday, it had become almost a running 139 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:18.120 joke among our group that Matt was the phantom, never 140 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:22.879 vanishing quite entirely, but always ducking out last minute apologizing 141 00:08:22.959 --> 00:08:26.399 for some pressing issue with a client. At first, I 142 00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:29.439 barely noticed. It was a busy month for both of us. 143 00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:32.320 Client demands seemed to be peeking, and I was in 144 00:08:32.360 --> 00:08:36.240 the thick of a big commercial redesign, sometimes working fifteen 145 00:08:36.279 --> 00:08:40.440 hour stretches. But even during those weeks, we'd made time 146 00:08:40.519 --> 00:08:43.320 for company, even if it was just take out pizza 147 00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:46.159 on the floor while Sasha and Pete trashed each other 148 00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:50.000 at scategories. Now every game night seemed to arrive with 149 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:54.360 a reason Matt couldn't join overtime international calls a truly 150 00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:58.879 impossible launched deadline. The group text got quieter, especially from 151 00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:02.440 his end, sometimes a hurried emoji or a sorry working late. 152 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:06.399 At first, our friends, familiar with his routine barely batted 153 00:09:06.399 --> 00:09:09.279 an eye, but as the cancelations piled up, so did 154 00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:12.679 the explanations. Once I caught him on the balcony, his 155 00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:15.919 phone pressed tightly to his ear, voice pitched low, not 156 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:19.480 in anger, more like caution. When I brought out two 157 00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:22.200 mugs of tea, he ended the call in a clipped 158 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:25.399 rush and locked his phone before setting it on the table. 159 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:29.759 He started keeping his laptop out of sight, password changed. 160 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:32.639 I tried not to read into that. He'd always been 161 00:09:32.679 --> 00:09:36.000 a little fussy about security, especially after the time his 162 00:09:36.120 --> 00:09:39.840 old machine had been hacked. But still, when I glanced 163 00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:42.799 over his shoulder, expecting a joke or a shared meme 164 00:09:42.840 --> 00:09:45.559 as before, there would just be a blank desktop or 165 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:48.879 a new sight Instead. I mentioned it to Sasha over 166 00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:51.759 a boozy brunch after Pete had left to pay the bill. 167 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:56.159 He's probably just buried under work stuff, she said, picking 168 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:59.519 at her eggs. You know how consultants are Half the 169 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:03.720 time they act like government spies, she grinned. Maybe he's 170 00:10:03.720 --> 00:10:07.840 planning your next surprise trip. I let myself laugh along, 171 00:10:08.200 --> 00:10:12.360 even though the pit in my stomach lingered. It sounded ridiculous, 172 00:10:12.600 --> 00:10:15.879 this flicker of suspicion. What was there to worry about. 173 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:19.919 We were both ambitious, both juggling stress, both a little 174 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:23.879 jealous of how easy the other made things look. That night, 175 00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:28.039 I suggested we do something spontaneous, maybe dinner at Ournico, 176 00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:31.519 just to have a reason to celebrate anything, even making 177 00:10:31.519 --> 00:10:35.279 it through the week. Matt's face froze for a split second. 178 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:40.759 Then he smiled, apologetic and shook his head to night's tough. 179 00:10:41.159 --> 00:10:44.080 My client is on London time, and they're expecting me 180 00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:48.519 to be around all evening. Maybe next week. He looked, 181 00:10:48.559 --> 00:10:52.120 almost pained at having to refuse so quick to redirect. 182 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:55.080 Why don't I pick up those dumplings you like and 183 00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:58.360 we'll do a movie instead. He already had the takeout 184 00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.600 app open, never looking up until he'd fired off an order. 185 00:11:02.639 --> 00:11:06.159 During dinner, he'd been all energy, telling funny stories from 186 00:11:06.200 --> 00:11:09.679 his day, but every time I drifted close to anything personal, 187 00:11:09.960 --> 00:11:13.360 he slipped into a lighter register, nudging the conversation toward 188 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:17.559 TV or the friends upcoming trivia night. I kissed him 189 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:22.320 good night, still feeling stupidly adrift. By morning, I'd resolved 190 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:25.600 not to bring up the restaurant again. It's easy to 191 00:11:25.639 --> 00:11:29.639 decide your imagining things far harder to reconcile how intensely 192 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:32.759 little details can gnaw at you. The next week brought 193 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:35.879 more the same pattern, only now with a low grade 194 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:39.639 tension neither of us could name. Matt started volunteering for 195 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:43.559 more evening work, sometimes without even texting a head. I'd 196 00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:46.440 come home and find the kitchen dark, a sticky note 197 00:11:46.519 --> 00:11:50.960 on the fridge, late with clients save me leftovers. I 198 00:11:51.039 --> 00:11:54.200 told myself this was normal, people get busy. But then 199 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:57.519 there was the scarf, a deep green, soft cashmere left 200 00:11:57.559 --> 00:12:00.159 bunched on the passenger seat of our car. I ever 201 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:02.240 seen Matt wear something like that, nor any of our 202 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.080 male friends. When I asked, he barely glanced at it 203 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:09.080 before declaring Sasha left it last week. Remember I texted 204 00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:11.879 Sasha off hand after a dinner, Hey, did you leave 205 00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:15.360 a scarf in our car? Her reply was instant, Nope, 206 00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:19.440 not mine. Haven't worn a green scarf in years. I 207 00:12:19.600 --> 00:12:23.799 let the matter drop. The tension bled into our circle, slowly, 208 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:26.519 the way you only notice when someone else says something. 209 00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:30.120 During a group dinner at Pete's place, Ell, a neighbor 210 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.120 from three floors down, part of our wider friend group, 211 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:37.759 mentioned running into Matt rushing down town one night. The 212 00:12:37.879 --> 00:12:40.200 date matched up with a Thursday Matt had claimed to 213 00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:43.399 be working from home. I laughed it off, but logged 214 00:12:43.399 --> 00:12:47.399 it in the mounting catalog of oddities. I started combing 215 00:12:47.399 --> 00:12:50.320 through our shared calendar, something we'd set up during our 216 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:53.879 first chaotic year of marriage, mostly to prevent overbooking and 217 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:57.559 missed birthdays. Matt now had a standing appointment for Thursday 218 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:02.600 nights private do not disturb, no client names, no locations, 219 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:05.639 just two blocks of time with an aura of secrecy. 220 00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:09.720 He'd never used that label before. His old entries were 221 00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:14.080 always detailed to the point of absurdity. Strategic planning, call 222 00:13:14.320 --> 00:13:17.559 board review. Now just a locked window in our week. 223 00:13:17.799 --> 00:13:21.120 Every week, money grew tight in a way it hadn't 224 00:13:21.120 --> 00:13:24.720 been before. A few at m withdrawals from places Matt 225 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:29.360 rarely visited higher than normal amounts. Reviewing our credit card 226 00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:33.320 statements for household expenses, I noticed charges that stood out. 227 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:37.519 High end bars, expensive cocktails, all on night's. Matt was 228 00:13:37.600 --> 00:13:41.879 out for work one late Saturday morning. I bumped into 229 00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:45.000 l in front of the bakery. She was walking her dog, 230 00:13:45.320 --> 00:13:49.960 and the conversation slipped easily from trivial to personal. Hey, 231 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:52.120 I saw you and Matt had a nice night out 232 00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:56.279 the other day, She remarked, half deazing, What do you mean, 233 00:13:56.600 --> 00:14:00.399 I asked, trying to keep my tone light. At our ronico, 234 00:14:00.759 --> 00:14:03.360 I saw you both there last week, well, him and 235 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:05.879 a woman, I guess, but I only saw from a 236 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:09.360 distance and just assumed it was you. She laughed easily. 237 00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:13.120 I nodded my face, refusing me the privacy of a 238 00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:17.759 neutral reaction. El oblivious tugged her dog and chatted about 239 00:14:17.799 --> 00:14:22.279 the upcoming art crawl. I barely heard a word. Little 240 00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:26.159 cracks started appearing in other small moments. The Thursday after 241 00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:30.360 L's comment, Matt was unusually affectionate, all long hugs and 242 00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:34.200 requests for takeaway from our favorite tie place, despite saying 243 00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:37.879 he was busy. At other times, he was short, irritable, 244 00:14:38.039 --> 00:14:41.399 snapping at questions as if I was interrogating him. That 245 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:45.720 push pul rhythm had me doubting everything, my trust, my perception, 246 00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:50.039 even my memory of our marriage. One afternoon, as I 247 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:52.399 tidied the living room, my phone lit up with a 248 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:55.480 message from an unknown number, hope you worked things out 249 00:14:55.559 --> 00:14:58.960 last night. The area code was local, but nothing about 250 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:03.000 it was familiar. I texted back, wrong number, and received 251 00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:06.919 no reply. The message sat there, heavy and strange, like 252 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:10.159 a stone at the bottom of a pool. I started 253 00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:13.159 noticing other things. The late nights now attached to a 254 00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:16.480 faint scent, not quite cologne of v nila and musk. 255 00:15:16.600 --> 00:15:20.720 Note I didn't recognize. Matt's replies in group chats were fewer, 256 00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:24.679 often delayed until the next day. When I challenged him, 257 00:15:24.919 --> 00:15:28.519 asking about his work schedule, he would be defensive, reciting 258 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:32.720 details that didn't match up with past anecdotes. My own 259 00:15:32.759 --> 00:15:36.399 body betrayed me. I'd find myself listening for the elevator 260 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:39.879 long before I dared peek at the clock, missing his voice, 261 00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:43.960 yet dreading the stories he would bring. I grew careful, 262 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:47.200 tiptoeing around my own home, as if proximity might make 263 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:50.720 him suspicious of me. I tried to probe gently, how's 264 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:54.080 the project going, or risk small jokes about him being 265 00:15:54.120 --> 00:15:57.120 a mystery man, and each time he would either dismiss 266 00:15:57.120 --> 00:16:00.879 the question or overcompensate with extravagant, diny plans for the 267 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:04.480 following weekend. It didn't feel like love, not the way 268 00:16:04.519 --> 00:16:08.639 it used to. It felt like damage control. The tipping 269 00:16:08.679 --> 00:16:12.320 point came after a particularly bad night Matt came home 270 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.360 past midnight, claiming a system outage had locked him in 271 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:19.039 the office. He stripped off his shirt in silence, ignoring 272 00:16:19.080 --> 00:16:22.240 my attempt to ask about his day. He was asleep 273 00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:24.879 almost before his head hit the pillow, and with his 274 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:29.240 back turned to me, I stared into darkness, electricity buzzing 275 00:16:29.320 --> 00:16:33.440 in my finger tips. I woke, determined at last to 276 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:38.000 confront him. I couldn't go on circling shadows over breakfast 277 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:40.799 in the cold morning light, I made coffee and set 278 00:16:40.799 --> 00:16:44.200 two mugs on the table. Matt, hair still wet from 279 00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:47.799 the shower, was scrolling something on his phone. Eyes jumpy. 280 00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:51.960 Are you upset with me? I asked, voice low. You've 281 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:56.600 seemed somewhere else these past few weeks. He looked up, startled, 282 00:16:56.840 --> 00:16:59.639 as if he'd forgotten I was there. For a moment. 283 00:16:59.679 --> 00:17:02.639 He sees about to deflect, but then something seemed to 284 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:07.000 deflate in his posture. He set down his phone. Work 285 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:10.400 es been insane, he said, rubbing his eyes. But that's 286 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:12.880 not all of it. He paused so long. I wondered 287 00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:15.079 if he'd leave the rest, and said, one of my 288 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:18.519 clients is going through a lot, a really nasty divorce. 289 00:17:18.839 --> 00:17:21.880 He keeps calling at weird hours, and frankly, I've been 290 00:17:21.880 --> 00:17:24.480 acting as more of a therapist than a tech consultant. 291 00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:28.079 He gave a tired half smile. It's not my business 292 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:30.440 to share with you, not in detail, but I didn't 293 00:17:30.440 --> 00:17:33.920 want you to think I was hiding things. These dinners, 294 00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:37.559 the late nights, they've been about keeping him from self combusting. 295 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:41.599 I know it's strange. I'm sorry for being so secretive. 296 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:45.640 I just felt like I owed him some discretion. I 297 00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:49.599 stared at him. The explanation slotted into almost everything, the 298 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:53.799 after hours calls, restaurant tabs, even the restricted calendar blocks. 299 00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:57.960 The relief came so swift, so intense, I nearly started 300 00:17:58.000 --> 00:18:01.359 to cry. Of course, Matt had always been the friend 301 00:18:01.400 --> 00:18:05.119 others leaned on. It was ridiculous, selfish even to wedge 302 00:18:05.119 --> 00:18:08.839 myself between him and some one in real trouble. He 303 00:18:08.920 --> 00:18:13.039 squeezed my hand, warm and familiar. Nothing's wrong with us, 304 00:18:13.319 --> 00:18:15.440 you know, I'd tell you if there was. But I'll 305 00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:17.440 try to be better about keeping you in the loop. 306 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:21.200 O kay. His voice was so gentle, so earnest, that 307 00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:25.119 all the fear melted away. That week end, he made 308 00:18:25.160 --> 00:18:28.519 a show of canceling his Thursday night meeting, insisting we 309 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:31.200 go see a movie, order junk food, and stay up 310 00:18:31.240 --> 00:18:34.440 late talking about future vacations. It felt like the old 311 00:18:34.519 --> 00:18:39.000 version of us, messy, chaotic interwoven. On Sunday, we hosted 312 00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:42.960 friends for brunch, laughing over mimosas, passing bowls of fruit 313 00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:46.039 and muffins. For the first time in weeks, the laughter 314 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:49.119 came easily. I let myself be swept back into the 315 00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:54.000 current of shared life, and yet it didn't last. At brunch, Liz, 316 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:57.319 a mutual friend, casually mentioned that she'd seen Matt at 317 00:18:57.319 --> 00:19:00.279 a birthday party for a coworker on Thursday. He was, 318 00:19:00.319 --> 00:19:03.720 according to her, holding court at a rooftop bar, drinks 319 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:06.519 in hand, not a care in the world. So much 320 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:09.480 for the self destructive client, or at least so much 321 00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:12.000 for him spending his evening anywhere near where he said 322 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.240 he was. I managed to smile through it, but beneath 323 00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:19.160 the table, my hands were clenched and cold. As that 324 00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:23.400 revelation simmered, I felt the old uncertainty's surge back, this 325 00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:26.920 time colored by embarrassment. Had I been so eager to 326 00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:30.680 believe the first satisfying story that I ignored what should 327 00:19:30.680 --> 00:19:36.200 have screamed at me. The answer was yes. My suspicion changed, 328 00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:39.839 this time with a different quality, less fear, more calculation. 329 00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:42.960 I watched Matt more carefully in the days that followed, 330 00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:47.160 observing small habits and the choreography of avoidance. He hung 331 00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:50.160 on to his phone with a new protectiveness. His evening 332 00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:54.839 texts became more formulaic. Still busy be home late, he 333 00:19:54.960 --> 00:19:59.359 started changing after work without showering. His key card for 334 00:19:59.400 --> 00:20:03.440 the parking garrage had been mysteriously missing for days. He 335 00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:06.880 mumbled something about losing it at work, but didn't follow 336 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:10.559 up when I offered to help replace it. One Tuesday, 337 00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:13.079 Matt left his phone charging on the hall table while 338 00:20:13.079 --> 00:20:15.960 he took a quick shower. My intention was only to 339 00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:19.240 move it. The ring volume was set annoyingly high, but 340 00:20:19.319 --> 00:20:22.240 as I picked it up, a flurry of notifications flashed 341 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:25.279 on the lock screen. Three missed calls from Isabel R. 342 00:20:25.559 --> 00:20:29.960 The name was unfamiliar, elegant somehow, no accompanying emoji, no 343 00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:33.079 last name, just the R. For a moment, I considered 344 00:20:33.079 --> 00:20:36.920 trying his pass code, then recoiled almost physically at the 345 00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:41.200 idea of such a violation. Instead, I scanned his recent 346 00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:45.160 social media activity public shallow, his profile full of work 347 00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:48.920 related reposts and nothing personal, but by then I was committed. 348 00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:52.480 I pivoted to Instagram, where Matt was rarely tagged except 349 00:20:52.519 --> 00:20:55.519 at company events over the past few months, though there 350 00:20:55.559 --> 00:20:59.240 was a pattern certain posts from colleagues, one especially from 351 00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:02.319 a user call Isabel Ah. There was Isabel at a 352 00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:06.079 roof top with Matt. Three colleagues arranged around a high table, 353 00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:11.920 glasses of wine visible. Isabel's arms slung casually around his shoulders, 354 00:21:12.279 --> 00:21:15.200 his hand on the small of her back, hardly proof 355 00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:19.359 of anything, but more familiar than work friends usually allowed themselves. 356 00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:24.799 My breathing was shallow, my hands simultaneously cold and clammy. 357 00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:27.359 I sank on to the edge of the bed, the 358 00:21:27.440 --> 00:21:31.240 phone heavy in my lap. The next day, still pretending 359 00:21:31.240 --> 00:21:34.319 a facade of normal life, I ducked into Ironico near 360 00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:37.880 lunch time, using a designed client as an excuse. I 361 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:40.839 made small talk with the hostess, asking whether they'd seen 362 00:21:40.920 --> 00:21:44.920 much of Matt lately. She smiled brightly. Oh, yes, Matt 363 00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:47.920 is one of our Thursday regulars, always with his wife. 364 00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:51.319 You two are such a cute couple. I forced a smile, 365 00:21:51.480 --> 00:21:55.880 nodding politely before excusing myself to the restroom, my mouth dry, 366 00:21:56.079 --> 00:22:00.000 my thoughts whirring. I scanned my own messages for any 367 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:03.680 mention of a Thursday dinner date, any recent photo together 368 00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:07.039 I could have posted. There was nothing. As I walked 369 00:22:07.079 --> 00:22:10.920 back to work, I considered confronting Matt outright, but I 370 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:14.680 no longer believed I'd get a straight answer. The next 371 00:22:14.759 --> 00:22:18.799 days were full of small humiliations. Credit card transactions to 372 00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:23.079 flower shops, jewelry stores, theater tickets, none of which matched 373 00:22:23.079 --> 00:22:26.880 my gifts or our excursions in recent months. A theater 374 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:29.920 program for a show I'd never seen, stashed in the 375 00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:33.960 bottom of the glove compartment. The green scarf again, now 376 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.119 on the back of a kitchen chair, as if marking territory. 377 00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:42.960 Sasha texted one evening, Hey, weird cue as Matt mentioned 378 00:22:43.000 --> 00:22:46.279 anything about Isabel R. Just got asked about you too 379 00:22:46.359 --> 00:22:49.519 by someone from her office. Didn't mean to eavesdrop, but 380 00:22:49.640 --> 00:22:53.319 it was odd. I stared at Sasha's message a long 381 00:22:53.359 --> 00:22:57.920 time before responding he hasn't mentioned her. Sasha's next one 382 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:01.920 came nearly instantly. Apparently Isabel is newish at his firm, 383 00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:05.200 just had some vague gossip. Didn't want to worry you. 384 00:23:06.279 --> 00:23:09.200 I wanted to feel grateful for the warning, but mostly 385 00:23:09.519 --> 00:23:14.000 I just felt stupid. That night alone, I scrolled back 386 00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:17.400 through months of photos looking for signs in our own history. 387 00:23:17.960 --> 00:23:21.440 Did Matt start pulling away before Isabel arrived? Was there 388 00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:25.319 a moment our easy laughter hardened into brittle pleasantries? Or 389 00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:28.119 did the change sneak in while I was busy making 390 00:23:28.119 --> 00:23:32.160 a life around him? Sometimes nostalgia is just a weapon 391 00:23:32.200 --> 00:23:36.680 you turn on yourself. Every routine, every joke, every threadbare 392 00:23:36.680 --> 00:23:40.119 tradition now look threadbare for a different reason. I started 393 00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:45.079 building the case study of our undoing text messages, receipts, photos, 394 00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:48.599 in the background of other people's stories. The more I stared, 395 00:23:48.960 --> 00:23:51.640 the more I saw a web tightening around me when 396 00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:55.079 I hadn't known existed until it was too late. I 397 00:23:55.160 --> 00:23:58.240 kept finding myself walking past his favorite coffee shop on 398 00:23:58.359 --> 00:24:01.440 mornings when I knew he'd be working from home, ducking 399 00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:05.000 my head into windows, hoping for nothing, and dreading everything. 400 00:24:05.799 --> 00:24:08.759 At home, I started locking the bathroom door out of 401 00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:12.160