Speaker 1: On October sixth, at seven fifty six pm Eastern Time,
Speaker 1: my dad, Daniel died. I don't know if I'm going
Speaker 1: to put this episode out. I don't even know if
Speaker 1: I'm doing the right thing, but it has been such
Speaker 1: a powerful six week process that I feel like, even
Speaker 1: if I don't end up publishing this, I want the
Speaker 1: record for myself. So I'm gonna tell these stories because
Speaker 1: I think it's it'll be very therapeutic for me, and
Speaker 1: I think that ultimately I don't want to forget the
Speaker 1: details because they were so special and so so incredible.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to do this. I don't know if
Speaker 1: anyone's ever gonna hear it. What a weird thing to do.
Speaker 1: But so the reason I'm inspired to do this is,
Speaker 1: you know, other than the fact that I'm inspired by
Speaker 1: my dad, is that I made a post last night
Speaker 1: when I was at the hospital, and it went crazy viral,
Speaker 1: and the response to it was basically a therapy session
Speaker 1: for the world and everyone who is ever lost a
Speaker 1: parent or a loved one for that matter. I can't
Speaker 1: tell you. I mean, I don't know if it's ten
Speaker 1: thousand replies or something crazy. It's extraordinary and it seemed
Speaker 1: to be very, very therapeutic for people, and it really
Speaker 1: helped me. So that's why I'm doing this is that.
Speaker 1: And the context of that post was that, you know,
Speaker 1: people don't talk about this, They don't talk about the
Speaker 1: loss of a parent, and really we don't talk about
Speaker 1: death at all. And I don't know if I'm going
Speaker 1: to get too high minded and talk, you know, about
Speaker 1: that right now, but I do want to tell the story.
Speaker 1: So yesterday I was I was asked by my dad's
Speaker 1: wife to basically fill in for her, which we had
Speaker 1: been doing. More or less. We had been cycling on
Speaker 1: and off. My dad's been in the hospital for nine
Speaker 1: days after fighting me tooth and nail and absolutely refusing
Speaker 1: to get care until the very, very very last minute,
Speaker 1: and it was too late. Also, just so you guys know,
Speaker 1: because I'm sure there's some curiosity, my dad was seventy
Speaker 1: two years old when he passed, and he had stage
Speaker 1: four melanoma. It had started on his upper cheekbone and
Speaker 1: then he had a spot on his nose and the
Speaker 1: other side and it just kept coming back. But more importantly,
Speaker 1: he just he didn't really address it. In January, he
Speaker 1: had this large, large, blotch on his nose that the
Speaker 1: doctor had scheduled him to actually have removed, and instead
Speaker 1: of doing so, he went back to California and he
Speaker 1: stayed there for four months before he got it taken out.
Speaker 1: And you know, I'm I can take some solace in
Speaker 1: the fact that I told him in January it may
Speaker 1: have been February that Dad, if you don't address this,
Speaker 1: melanoma is crazy dangerous and it'll probably get in near blood,
Speaker 1: it'll spread to your organs, it'll kill you. And he said,
Speaker 1: I'll get it handled, Clint, and he didn't. I mean,
Speaker 1: he did, but five months too late. So anyways, about
Speaker 1: six weeks ago, or I guess it's two months ago. Now,
Speaker 1: this has been a very very trying time and very
Speaker 1: hard to keep track of time. So about two months
Speaker 1: ago I am informed that he's sick. But you know,
Speaker 1: we like we usually would see each other twice a month,
Speaker 1: go to lunch, go to dinner. Not like crazy close,
Speaker 1: but a very close relationship for sure, And we would
Speaker 1: have phone calls probably weekly. And he was the biggest
Speaker 1: fan of this show, the biggest fan, and he would
Speaker 1: force feed it to everyone in his life. He would
Speaker 1: put it on and then he'd be like, you want
Speaker 1: to watch my son? He was very very proud of me.
Speaker 1: I don't know how I'm getting through this without crying.
Speaker 1: I'm sure I will break down at some point, but
Speaker 1: I've cried so much over the past week and really
Speaker 1: over the past month, that I feel like I'm I'm tapped,
Speaker 1: and I'm just I'm I don't know. I have I
Speaker 1: have great peace, and you'll understand if you stick with
Speaker 1: me through this conversation. So about six weeks ago, maybe
Speaker 1: two months ago, he's sick. He has an ear infection,
Speaker 1: is what he tells me, and his energy is very
Speaker 1: low and he's not eating, and I'm like, okay, well
Speaker 1: that sounds pretty serious. Are you seeing a doctor? And
Speaker 1: he's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna go see a doctor.
Speaker 1: See an ear, you know, get ear drops, and that's
Speaker 1: what he does, and it doesn't fix it. Come to
Speaker 1: find out much later than in fact, it's a tumor
Speaker 1: that is in his ear, so it had spread. We
Speaker 1: find out about three weeks ago that the tumors, the melanoma,
Speaker 1: has obviously gotten it into his blood, as I had warned,
Speaker 1: and it has spread to virtually all his major organs.
Speaker 1: I mean it was his adrenals, his liver, his lung,
Speaker 1: his uh. I think his kidney was okay, but they
Speaker 1: said at one point, one of the doctors said blood
Speaker 1: and bone so deep. And then we found out very
Speaker 1: late that in fact, that thing in his ear was
Speaker 1: a tumor as well melanoma, and it was likely in
Speaker 1: his brain at that point. I don't know that, and
Speaker 1: ultimately it doesn't matter. It was so so pervasive that
Speaker 1: it was going to be fatal no matter what. So anyways,
Speaker 1: his wife asked me to sit in with him, and
Speaker 1: I was going back anyway, so that was no big deal.
Speaker 1: But I hadn't been spending the night. I had been
Speaker 1: going over there and spending four to six hours every
Speaker 1: day with him and that was great. And this was
Speaker 1: when he was still talking. But last night, you know,
Speaker 1: he stopped talking on Thursday. So Wednesday of last week
Speaker 1: was the last conversation that I will now ever have
Speaker 1: with my dad. And it was so powerful, it was
Speaker 1: so good. If you're a fan of this show, then
Speaker 1: you already know what I'm talking about. But I did
Speaker 1: this episode. I think it was like second Shooter on
Speaker 1: the roof, talking about the Kirk case, and the last
Speaker 1: ten minutes of it is just this, you know, loving
Speaker 1: story about my childhood with my dad and how I
Speaker 1: realized that this is the end, most likely, and that
Speaker 1: I just wanted him to know how special he was
Speaker 1: to me, and I wanted him to hear it, and
Speaker 1: because he had been in the hospital, I knew he
Speaker 1: hadn't heard it, and I knew he was such a
Speaker 1: big fan, not of the show but of me really
Speaker 1: that I just it would not be right if he
Speaker 1: didn't hear that. So long story short, Wednesday, it is
Speaker 1: like my last chance. I didn't know it at the time,
Speaker 1: but it's my last chance to talk to my dad,
Speaker 1: and thank god I took this opportunity. Everybody stepped out
Speaker 1: of the room, so it's just he and I and
Speaker 1: I'm the type that, like, I don't really want to
Speaker 1: be super emotional in a crowd, which is weird because
Speaker 1: I'm doing this, but you know what I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: by myself right now. This doesn't feel like there's a crowd.
Speaker 1: And I tell him that I know that you never
Speaker 1: miss an episode of my show, but I'm pretty sure
Speaker 1: you missed an episode because you haven't talked to me
Speaker 1: about this and I'd like to play you something and
Speaker 1: he said okay. And he's very weak already, you know,
Speaker 1: his voice is very very soft, and he's starting to
Speaker 1: detach from his body, but he's he's still present like
Speaker 1: that day. He's present, he's able to have a conversation.
Speaker 1: In fact, it was the most healthy he had been
Speaker 1: or present, i should say, in days. So very fortunate.
Speaker 1: So I have this one on one time and my
Speaker 1: aunt and my uncle are in the hallway and his
Speaker 1: wife in the hallway, so it's just he and I
Speaker 1: and I and I asked him and he says, oh, yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: that'd be great. And I start to play it and
Speaker 1: immediately I start to cry, and he does too. He
Speaker 1: grabs my hand and we just look at each other.
Speaker 1: We just look at each other for a long time.
Speaker 1: And he still thought I was crazy. He thought there
Speaker 1: was no chance he was dying. He was. He was like,
Speaker 1: He's like, this is great, but I'm gonna be fine.
Speaker 1: He wasn't. He wasn't gonna be fine. But I love
Speaker 1: that about him, you know it. Oh his stubbornness drove
Speaker 1: me fucking crazy. As I'm trying to get him healthcare
Speaker 1: and he just refuses adamantly. He's like, oh, I got
Speaker 1: a doctor's appartment in a week, he can wait. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, D like, I'm pretty sure you have cancer
Speaker 1: and like it's taken you quick. You haven't eaten in weeks,
Speaker 1: and he's like, I got a doctor's apartment a week,
Speaker 1: It'll be fine. But anyways, he just grabs my hand
Speaker 1: and he just he just you know, he tells me
Speaker 1: everything that he needs to say, and I tell him
Speaker 1: everything I need to say, and it's just so good
Speaker 1: to have that. And you know, I could get into
Speaker 1: the specifics, just broadly speaking, it was like, you know,
Speaker 1: he just got to tell me how proud he was
Speaker 1: of me, how much he loved me, and vice versa,
Speaker 1: and you know, truly we were each other's biggest fans
Speaker 1: and or for the reck. So about halfway through that
Speaker 1: ten minute segment of my show and we're likes, he's laughing.
Speaker 1: He's like he's really he's remembering these stories that I'm telling,
Speaker 1: especially the childhood one, and he's I can just tell
Speaker 1: he's very touched. You know, I hadn't seen any emotion
Speaker 1: from him throughout this process, really, you know, other than
Speaker 1: irritability and sadness, you know, that was really a discomfort,
Speaker 1: and this was the first time that he cried. You know,
Speaker 1: he teared big time, and so did I. Anyways, my
Speaker 1: uncle Rod shout out to Uncle Rod. He walks in
Speaker 1: and he's just immediately overwhelmed because he recognizes what's happening
Speaker 1: because he had already heard it. And he just sits
Speaker 1: in the corner and he doesn't say a word and
Speaker 1: he just lets us have our moment and thank you
Speaker 1: for that. So anyways, that's the last time he talks.
Speaker 1: That's the last time he talks to me. And I
Speaker 1: go home that night and I'm actually thinking, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe I am overstating this. Maybe he is going to recover.
Speaker 1: He's so stubborn. Maybe he can just ignore this. He'lp
Speaker 1: be fine. I don't know. And I get back to
Speaker 1: the hospital the next day and he is no longer talking,
Speaker 1: and he's still able to move, but he doesn't move
Speaker 1: on command. He doesn't move based off of what you
Speaker 1: have to say to him. If you ask him to
Speaker 1: squeeze your hand, there's nothing. And it turns out that
Speaker 1: we think. I don't I don't even know if I'll
Speaker 1: ever know, because I don't think that they're going to
Speaker 1: do an autopsy because he you know, why would they.
Speaker 1: But I think I think the tumor in his ear
Speaker 1: or slash brain caused a brain bleed, and I think
Speaker 1: that a portion of his brain, probably the speech function,
Speaker 1: or maybe more than that, had been destroyed. Most likely,
Speaker 1: I'm really not sure. But he's he's almost almost in
Speaker 1: a coma. But I think people in a coma don't
Speaker 1: move around. I don't know that. This is not my expertise.
Speaker 1: So anyways, he's alive, but he's just basically laying there
Speaker 1: and and he can't react to what you say, even
Speaker 1: though he does he will move when you talk to him,
Speaker 1: so it's like he recognizes a familiar voice and he
Speaker 1: he reacts. So maybe he can here, maybe he can't understand,
Speaker 1: he just can't talk. I'm not I'm really not sure.
Speaker 1: So that's how he was from Thursday until today. And
Speaker 1: so she asked me last night to go, you know,
Speaker 1: swap swap her out, because she's been there and she's exhausted,
Speaker 1: and I totally respected that, and she wants to she
Speaker 1: wants to get some sleep at home because it's an
Speaker 1: absolute nightmare to try and sleep in the hospital. There's
Speaker 1: lights and people coming in and taking tests of him
Speaker 1: and stuff, and it's just absolutely brutal. So it's just
Speaker 1: he and I and I'm so grateful that I had
Speaker 1: this opportunity. And I'm gonna actually read it to you
Speaker 1: because because it seemed to be very impactful on people,
Speaker 1: and I think it's important that you know what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. Actually, I'll share it. Screw it, let's share
Speaker 1: it so you guys know what I'm talking about and
Speaker 1: you can see the photo because this is truly what
Speaker 1: it was. I thought long and hard about whether or
Speaker 1: not to post the photo, and I ended up cropping
Speaker 1: it to remove him from it, because you know, it's
Speaker 1: already weird to talk about something like this, and I
Speaker 1: just wanted to make it very clear that this was
Speaker 1: not intended to be exploitative of him, that it was
Speaker 1: supposed to be an honor of him. You know, that
Speaker 1: was my motivation. So I think people got it. As
Speaker 1: you can tell, this is Miami, downtown Miami, and he's
Speaker 1: got the IV with I had asked them to put
Speaker 1: him on steroids because it could bring down the brain inflammation.
Speaker 1: I was hoping that it might bring him back so
Speaker 1: that he could talk to us, but that never happened.
Speaker 1: So I say to him, all right, I say to
Speaker 1: the world, say, it's just my dad and I in
Speaker 1: the hospital tonight. I want to tell you what this
Speaker 1: is like, because no one ever told me, and I
Speaker 1: wish they had. It could be hours or it could
Speaker 1: be days, but he is dying. I read this short
Speaker 1: book called Gone from My Sight, which lays out, step
Speaker 1: by step, every aspect of the dying process. It gave
Speaker 1: me great comfort. I got to take a brief pause.
Speaker 1: My mom has ran hospice for twenty years and like
Speaker 1: as a management placement person, and she's been around and
Speaker 1: dealt with death and dying for decades. So she's a
Speaker 1: great resource on this and I'm so appreciative that she
Speaker 1: told me this. I talked to her last I can't
Speaker 1: believe it's only last night, but I talked to her
Speaker 1: last night and she tells me about this book. It's
Speaker 1: like it really it's a booklet. It's almost like a pamphlet.
Speaker 1: It's very short. She tells me to read or listen
Speaker 1: to it. I immediately do. I'm so glad I did,
Speaker 1: because what I realized in it is that, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I've been watching my dad die for two months, and
Speaker 1: I didn't I didn't know. I knew instinctually, but I
Speaker 1: didn't know no, as Candice own says, so continuing on
Speaker 1: it gave me great comfort. This is natural. In some ways.
Speaker 1: It is as beautiful as childbirth. That's not what the
Speaker 1: book said, just the overwhelming emotion I was left with.
Speaker 1: He stopped eating almost entirely about a month ago, and
Speaker 1: stopped speaking four days ago. I am very fortunate and
Speaker 1: grateful that he and I had a tear filled conversation
Speaker 1: on the last day he will ever speak. It was
Speaker 1: so beautiful. I don't even have words for it. Obviously
Speaker 1: I do now, but at the time I did not.
Speaker 1: He had withdrawn from me two months ago, but that
Speaker 1: is exactly what dying people do. I just didn't know,
Speaker 1: and I don't know, and I doubt he did either.
Speaker 1: His eyelids remain slightly open, and you can see him
Speaker 1: looking around as if in a dream state. To me,
Speaker 1: he is likely reliving fond memories and reconciling any items
Speaker 1: left undone. He moves when I speak to him, but
Speaker 1: I believe it's just the familiar voice of a loved
Speaker 1: one that causes him to stir. He is not truly present,
Speaker 1: a few toes left on earth, and the rest of
Speaker 1: him lifting away from me towards his next chapter. He
Speaker 1: is not gone. He will not be gone. He will
Speaker 1: just be gone from my sight. If anyone had told
Speaker 1: me that the week my dad died would be one
Speaker 1: of the best of my life, I would have thought
Speaker 1: they were crazy here, sociopathic. But that's what this has been.
Speaker 1: I've never felt closer to him. I have never felt
Speaker 1: closer to God. To hold his hand as he dies,
Speaker 1: his life come full circle. He was the first to
Speaker 1: hold my hand, and I will be the last to
Speaker 1: hold his. I have done my duty as his son,
Speaker 1: and he did a great job as my father. Don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong. It hurts terribly, but only because the
Speaker 1: bond runs so deep. I love you, Dad. It's okay
Speaker 1: for you to go. I can't believe I read that
Speaker 1: without crying. Good job, Clinton, you're keeping it together. My
Speaker 1: dad died like a couple hours ago. Guys, like it's
Speaker 1: eleven forty eight. He died at seven fifty six, So
Speaker 1: this is what is that? Nine ten eleven, less than
Speaker 1: four hours ago. Oh? I really don't know if I
Speaker 1: should be doing this but I'm gonna keep going. I really,
Speaker 1: I really I need to have these memories like locked
Speaker 1: in because it was really spectacular. And once I tell
Speaker 1: you what happened, you're going to understand why. That's how
Speaker 1: you do a cliffhanger. Folks, Oh man, what a cliff hanger.
Speaker 1: Oh I can't believe it happened. It doesn't even feel real.
Speaker 1: So anyways, So I spend the night there and I
Speaker 1: am just having like every hour, maybe least probably every
Speaker 1: thirty minutes twenty minutes, I go over to him and
Speaker 1: I kiss his head and I hold his hand and
Speaker 1: I talk to him and I just tell him everything
Speaker 1: I need to say. And then I feel like I've
Speaker 1: said everything, and I'm like, nope, you know. I go
Speaker 1: sit down and I, you know, wash something on my
Speaker 1: phone or whatever, and then I go, nope, I got
Speaker 1: more to say, and I get back up. And a
Speaker 1: lot of it is like a lot of it's for
Speaker 1: me to like get stuff off my chest and express
Speaker 1: things that I feel are very important that I do.
Speaker 1: But most of it it's just about love. It's just
Speaker 1: about caring for him. It's just about comfort, trying trying
Speaker 1: to comfort him because I do not know, you know
Speaker 1: what he is experiencing. I don't know because he can't
Speaker 1: he can't communicate. But I'm just saying everything that comes
Speaker 1: to my mind, everything that I'm like, I've got to
Speaker 1: say this. I have to say, like whatever, whatever that
Speaker 1: thing is that you're like, God, I wish I had
Speaker 1: told my parent this, or I need to tell my
Speaker 1: dad or my mom this. I got that chance and
Speaker 1: I did that, and I'm so deeply grateful that I
Speaker 1: had that time with him. It was obviously one of
Speaker 1: the hardest nights of my life, but also legitimately one
Speaker 1: of the best nights of my life. So spiritually aligning,
Speaker 1: fulfilling in ways that I It's going to be hard
Speaker 1: for me to describe, but I'm going to try. So anyways,
Speaker 1: we have an amazing night together. And I know that
Speaker 1: sounds weird because I'm with my dad who's dying, but
Speaker 1: it was amazing, so spiritually aligned and like our like
Speaker 1: our souls were connected for real. So anyways, I can't
Speaker 1: sleep though, because it's it's just very hard, and I
Speaker 1: I think I fall asleep for maybe forty five minutes,
Speaker 1: maybe an hour if I'm lucky, and I wake up
Speaker 1: with the sunrise and it's seven ish, and I uh,
Speaker 1: I texted his lady and I, you know, I tell her,
Speaker 1: I gotta go home. I got to sleep, Like I
Speaker 1: don't know when he's going to pass, but if he
Speaker 1: passes and I'm sleep deprived, I don't know if I
Speaker 1: can handle it. You know. That was that was the rationale,
Speaker 1: and it was I was being sincere. I really was
Speaker 1: concerned about my own mental health because I was like,
Speaker 1: this is this is big shit. It really is big shit.
Speaker 1: And so she says, okay, and she's like, I'm on
Speaker 1: my way there, go ahead. So I leave and I
Speaker 1: go home, which is like a forty five minute drive.
Speaker 1: And I get home and I can't sleep, of course,
Speaker 1: because all I'm thinking the entire time is like, my
Speaker 1: dad's gonna die while I'm asleep, and I could have
Speaker 1: been there for him, even though I've been with him
Speaker 1: like NonStop for six weeks or two months or whatever
Speaker 1: it's been. But it's really hard, and I have this
Speaker 1: moment of you know, it like all hits me. Finally,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I know he's dying. I know, it's like
Speaker 1: it's so close. I just just like epiphany kind of
Speaker 1: style or God telling me or me knowing. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I knew, and I sob deeply.
Speaker 1: I cry as hard as I have ever cried ever,
Speaker 1: like legitimately, like and it was weird because I almost
Speaker 1: felt as if I was an observer of myself during that,
Speaker 1: like like I was watching me do it, but I
Speaker 1: was crying so deeply and it was so good, it
Speaker 1: was so necessary. Anyways, and then I'm like, I've got it.
Speaker 1: I've got to get to sleep because I've got to
Speaker 1: get back to my dad because I want to be
Speaker 1: with him when he dies. That's like that's my whole
Speaker 1: mission for today. But also I like still have self
Speaker 1: care in mind, like Okay, yeah, you want to be
Speaker 1: there for him, but make sure that you can handle
Speaker 1: this claiint. And I'm like, I'm trying to balance these things.
Speaker 1: And so I pray, which I don't do often, but
Speaker 1: I have done a lot over the past month. And
Speaker 1: once again, sure is shit. I have this massive vibrational
Speaker 1: energy that is just like just everywhere just emanating off me. Powerful,
Speaker 1: super powerful, And because I've posted about it, you know,
Speaker 1: people are telling me that's the Holy Spirit, and I
Speaker 1: genuinely believe as though God has been with me through this,
Speaker 1: all of it, and he has given me strength that
Speaker 1: I did not know I have. I was telling my
Speaker 1: stepdad about it and my mom that I've discovered reservoirs
Speaker 1: of strength within me that I did not know I had.
Speaker 1: And I think God granted me that ability in this
Speaker 1: time that I needed to be this now. And I
Speaker 1: don't know that I was ready, but I was ready,
Speaker 1: that makes any sense at all, But I was so oh.
Speaker 1: So I fall asleep and I sleep so hard, so hard,
Speaker 1: but I only sleep for like sixty minutes or ninety minutes.
Speaker 1: But I wake up and I'm like covered and drool
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, how long have I been asleep?
Speaker 1: And not long, not long at all. I'm like, did
Speaker 1: I miss it. I'm looking at my phone. I'm like
Speaker 1: expecting a test text message like your dad's dead, and no,
Speaker 1: there's nothing. Like nobody's even reached out to me in
Speaker 1: that time, Like, oh great, I did it. I slept.
Speaker 1: I feel refreshed, I feel re energized. I can do this.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get back to my dad. But I'm like,
Speaker 1: I better eat. I haven't eaten in over a day,
Speaker 1: so I grab a salad and I'm eating and I think,
Speaker 1: I call. Yeah, I call his brother and his sister,
Speaker 1: my aunt and uncle, and I update them on his condition.
Speaker 1: And I explained that, like, it's happening, it's imminent. And
Speaker 1: they had been with us up until Wednesday, so they
Speaker 1: got to see him on the last day he spoke
Speaker 1: to and God, God bless him and them and everybody
Speaker 1: for that opportunity. So anyways, I have a lengthy conversation
Speaker 1: with them. I update them, I'm like, it's imminent, it's happening.
Speaker 1: And and then I finally, you know, get my car
Speaker 1: and head down there. Forty five minute drive and I
Speaker 1: arrive at and this this like, I know this sounds
Speaker 1: like minutia, but it's super important, so I'm going to
Speaker 1: tell you all of it. I arrive at seven twenty six.
Speaker 1: If you remember the time that they called it, you'll
Speaker 1: understand why that's important. So anyways, I walk in and
Speaker 1: his wife and her daughter are in the room with him,
Speaker 1: and he's still there. I'm like, Wow, what a legend.
Speaker 1: I don't know how he's still hanging on, but he is.
Speaker 1: And but I know, I know, like it's it's close.
Speaker 1: And they say, here take have some time with him.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, this is great. So they stepped in
Speaker 1: the hallway and it's just he and I again, just
Speaker 1: like it was the night before. And I get to
Speaker 1: say a lot of the same things that I had
Speaker 1: already said, but some new things and and with a
Speaker 1: deeper sense of I don't want to say sincerity, but
Speaker 1: like urgency, that's what it is like, and like full
Speaker 1: connection with the words, not not I'm saying what I
Speaker 1: should say right now, saying what I what I feel
Speaker 1: deeply and what needs to be said, and like concise,
Speaker 1: nothing extra, just love him, comfort him, guide him, release him.
Speaker 1: This is not conscious. I'm just I'm explaining it in hindsight, obviously.
Speaker 1: But I tell him, you know, you fought your whole
Speaker 1: life to be free, as I've told you guys before.
Speaker 1: He's he was a libertarian for forty plus fifty years almost.
Speaker 1: I say, you fought your whole life to be free,
Speaker 1: and you're about to feel what like true freedom is
Speaker 1: the one thing that no one in this mortal coil
Speaker 1: can experience. And I and I just say, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like this is really a special time and and
Speaker 1: I want you to embrace it. I want you to
Speaker 1: know that you get to you get to answer that
Speaker 1: one thing that none of us get to answer until
Speaker 1: this time, and how special that is, and to embrace
Speaker 1: the journey, to embrace the exploration and the piece that
Speaker 1: comes with it. And you know, he and I had
Speaker 1: always had kind of a peer relationship, very business relationship,
Speaker 1: but a lot of that comes to like him genuinely
Speaker 1: respecting me as an adult man, you know, and it's,
Speaker 1: oh God, James Blunt monster, if you want to really cry,
Speaker 1: listen to that right right after this, or pause this
Speaker 1: and listen to that right now. It's ah, I'm not
Speaker 1: your I'm not your son, you're not my father, or
Speaker 1: just two grown men saying goodbye. And that's what it was.
Speaker 1: It was so good anyways. So I tell him, you know,
Speaker 1: because we had had a working relationship at parts of
Speaker 1: my life in adulthood, and you know, I just expressed
Speaker 1: to him that, like, you've carried a lot, you know,
Speaker 1: as the patriarch if you will, and you're probably still
Speaker 1: here because of that, that you don't you don't have
Speaker 1: faith that these things can be accomplished. And I want
Speaker 1: you to know that they will be that that weight
Speaker 1: that you carry I can't. I can't. I'm ready and
Speaker 1: I meant it and I do and I feel it
Speaker 1: and I know it so and I just expressed to
Speaker 1: him over and over again, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
Speaker 1: you can let go. And what's weird is I again,
Speaker 1: I have this reservoir I didn't know I had. And
Speaker 1: I tell him, I tell him all of this without crying,
Speaker 1: like for the first ten minutes. It's like I end
Speaker 1: up with fifteen minutes with him, and the first ten
Speaker 1: minutes no crime. It is just like it is. I'm smiling.
Speaker 1: I am smiling as I tell my dying dad that
Speaker 1: I got this. How I had that strength, I don't know.
Speaker 1: But in the last five minutes, you know, after I've
Speaker 1: already said all of the like dutiful things that I
Speaker 1: feel compelled to say in that moment, I feel then
Speaker 1: the loss comes. Then it's like, I'm gonna miss you
Speaker 1: so much, and I ball. I mean, it's it comparable
Speaker 1: to that that sobbing fit that I had in the
Speaker 1: middle of the day. And and I put my my
Speaker 1: head on all right, I'm kissing his forehead throughout this,
Speaker 1: And then I put my forehead on his and I
Speaker 1: cry on to him and it's just like it's just
Speaker 1: and this all sounds like, this all sounds like a movie.
Speaker 1: So I think that's the other reason I wanted to
Speaker 1: have a record of it for myself is because it's like,
Speaker 1: at some point I'll start to not believe that it
Speaker 1: because it's so ridiculous, but it did. It all happen,
Speaker 1: and uh and I and then I can you know,
Speaker 1: the tears are like literally falling on his forehead and
Speaker 1: on his cheeks, and I'm and I'm wiping them away
Speaker 1: and it's just so good. It's just and I know
Speaker 1: that sounds weird, but it is. It was so good.
Speaker 1: It was so connected, so deeply connected, not just not
Speaker 1: just father to son, but both of us to God
Speaker 1: for real, just a power flowing through me. I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for it, and I'm so grateful for this opportunity.
Speaker 1: And it's breath at this point. And I know this
Speaker 1: because the book pamphlet thing that my mom recommended to
Speaker 1: me that you know you're as you're dying, And he's
Speaker 1: gone through all the phases and I've recognized them now
Speaker 1: in hindsight, and I'm like, he's only got a few
Speaker 1: phases left, you know, and I know that your blood
Speaker 1: pressure drops and your breathing slows almost to a crawl.
Speaker 1: And I knew that his blood pressure had dropped and
Speaker 1: his breathing was extraordinarily slow. He was breathing very shallowly,
Speaker 1: and maybe once every twenty seconds. It was like just
Speaker 1: barely there. And uh oh God, it's not on myself.
Speaker 1: I've had a hard month. But I hope this is therapeutic.
Speaker 1: If I publish this, I hope this helps people ways
Speaker 1: his uh so, he's this is as I'm crying on
Speaker 1: to him, he just stops. He just stops breathing. And
Speaker 1: at the time I didn't really even recognize it because
Speaker 1: his breathing was so slowed that this twenty second gap
Speaker 1: that uh oh oh, one other note of what I'm
Speaker 1: saying to him, And I just say over and over again,
Speaker 1: it's okay for you to go, and I love you
Speaker 1: and it's okay for you to go, and you're going
Speaker 1: with God. This is natural, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Speaker 1: It's time put down your load. I can carry it
Speaker 1: from here. It's time. I kiss him again, super hard.
Speaker 1: And then I started to feel guilty because I've occupied
Speaker 1: so much of this precious time with him, and I
Speaker 1: I just turn around the doors right there and I
Speaker 1: open it and I tell his wife and her daughter
Speaker 1: to come in because I want them to, you know,
Speaker 1: have this time too. I don't want to monopolize it.
Speaker 1: And they come in and they walk over to him
Speaker 1: and they go, oh, he's he's not breathing. And he
Speaker 1: literally died right as I offered him, as I was
Speaker 1: holding his hand, as I was kissing his head, as
Speaker 1: I was falling like into his face. And there's just
Speaker 1: so many, so many beautiful moments throughout this that I
Speaker 1: just feel blessed, so blessed. And you guys know, I've always,
Speaker 1: you know, struggled with faith and I still don't know
Speaker 1: faith wise. But God is real. There's just there's just
Speaker 1: no answer for this stuff. God is real. He guided
Speaker 1: me through this, he lifted me up. Then as a consequence,
Speaker 1: I did that hurt him. Fuck. Just amazing. I don't
Speaker 1: think you're supposed to be profane when you're talking about God,
Speaker 1: but I'm new to this. Apologies and uh, and then
Speaker 1: we sat with him, you know, oh oh so at first, Uh,
Speaker 1: her daughter says, you know, let's call in a nurse,
Speaker 1: you know, let's try and get a maide or whatever.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, let's and his wife says, let's
Speaker 1: let's hold hands and pray. I'm so glad she did that.
Speaker 1: And then we all take turns just praying over him,
Speaker 1: and I literally put you know, they're holding hands and
Speaker 1: I'm holding his wife's hand, and I put my hand
Speaker 1: on his forehead and we just pray for him. And
Speaker 1: he has died like within less than a minute, maybe
Speaker 1: maybe two minutes is hard to stopped. So he still
Speaker 1: he's still there, I would imagine. And and to have
Speaker 1: that opportunity is just like to say it's priceless doesn't
Speaker 1: do it justice. It's timeless. It's eternal. And to have
Speaker 1: had all of this time with him and that experience
Speaker 1: and that timing, it's otherworldly. I I'm sure other people
Speaker 1: have had experiences like this, I'm sure, and please tell
Speaker 1: me about them down below, But my god, I have not.
Speaker 1: I have never had anything that comes even close to
Speaker 1: this in terms of spiritual alignment strength. And then just
Speaker 1: these unbelievable you call them coincidences, but like miraculous timing
Speaker 1: of events, and it was so good and throughout all
Speaker 1: of it. Every time I prayed, without fail, that vibration
Speaker 1: the spirit every time, never felt that ever and every
Speaker 1: time I did. And then these gifts that I'm offered
Speaker 1: over and over, I'm just so thankful and U yeah.
Speaker 1: And then we all sit around and sit around his bed.
Speaker 1: Obviously we notify the nurse. She comes in and she says,
Speaker 1: you know, they're like, are we right? You know. She
Speaker 1: pulls out the stethoscope and checks his heart and she
Speaker 1: doesn't say yes or no. She says the time. She
Speaker 1: says seven fifty six, which is marking the time and
Speaker 1: death of my father. I can't even believe I'm saying
Speaker 1: that sentence, but it was thirty minutes to the minute
Speaker 1: from the time I got to the hospital to the
Speaker 1: time that that time was read off. And I just
Speaker 1: can't help but think that that prayer that I did
Speaker 1: in the middle of the day that was so vibrational,
Speaker 1: and much of it was me talking to my dad
Speaker 1: and telling him I'm trying to sleep. I want to
Speaker 1: get back to you, but I need rest, and if
Speaker 1: I don't have it, I don't know if I can
Speaker 1: survive what's coming. And I just have this huge energy
Speaker 1: thing and I just the timing of him passing just
Speaker 1: really feels like he heard that and he hung on
Speaker 1: just long enough and it wasn't like I got there
Speaker 1: and then it was just like it was like I
Speaker 1: got there and I had fifteen minutes one on one
Speaker 1: saying everything, and like literally and I told my stepdad this.
Speaker 1: I'm then drive home on the phone, like I feel
Speaker 1: like I handed him to God fucking powerful, because I
Speaker 1: really when I was saying it, I meant it, not
Speaker 1: consciously meant it, not like oh, I'm saying the right thing,
Speaker 1: meant like from my soul, it's okay, you can go.
Speaker 1: It's time. From my soul. He and he did his
Speaker 1: sole left, and it's just there's just I mean, obviously
Speaker 1: there's words to describe it, because I've just done almost
Speaker 1: forty minutes talking about it, but it is indescribable. Otherwise,
Speaker 1: like I hope I'm doing a good enough job that
Speaker 1: you can you can feel this story because it's so
Speaker 1: fucking powerful. And then we sit there with him for
Speaker 1: two hours as his first his hands and then his
Speaker 1: fore arms and then his arms, his biceps, and then
Speaker 1: his slowly his cheeks and his face go cold, and
Speaker 1: every five or ten minutes. I get up and I
Speaker 1: kiss his forehead again, and I either cry sometimes or
Speaker 1: sometimes I don't, and just express all these things again,
Speaker 1: just one more time. And it's just so hard to stop.
Speaker 1: And the nurses keep coming in and saying they got
Speaker 1: to take him to the morgue, and we keep saying no.
Speaker 1: And we keep them there for about two hours, doing
Speaker 1: this cycle, and I'm so glad, so glad we did.
Speaker 1: And finally they're like, we have to have the room.
Speaker 1: You gotta go, and so they take him and I
Speaker 1: leave and I just got home not that long ago,
Speaker 1: half an hour, an hour ago now, and it's again.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'll publish this, but if I do,
Speaker 1: the reason is because we don't talk about death. We don't.
Speaker 1: It's a foible of Western civilization. We don't talk about
Speaker 1: it as a consequence. I was totally ill prepared for this.
Speaker 1: It's super unprepared, but I was very prepared. Who knew, right,
Speaker 1: Thank you God. But I think that this is a
Speaker 1: this is and I said these words and I meant them.
Speaker 1: After going through this process, the similarities to death and
Speaker 1: birth are so stark it's just impossible not to see them.
Speaker 1: To me watching my dad in this process was like
Speaker 1: literally his his body giving birth to his soul, just
Speaker 1: as he and my mom gave birth to mine. And
Speaker 1: the you know, kind of circular symmetry of my dad
Speaker 1: being the first person to hold my hand or the
Speaker 1: first man to hold my hand and me being the
Speaker 1: last man to hold his is just it's just it's
Speaker 1: so ornate. Life is like it's just it's just spectacular.
Speaker 1: And I'm just I'm awed by all of it. And
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that I have the presence of mind
Speaker 1: and this perspective throughout this that while it has been
Speaker 1: very hard and I have cried so much, I'm shocked
Speaker 1: I have tears left in my body, but to have
Speaker 1: the wherewithal to appreciate this the way I did has
Speaker 1: genuinely stunned me, like to my core. And I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for it, and I'm so grateful for all of
Speaker 1: it in the entire process. And I mean, if you
Speaker 1: had told me that at any point in my forty
Speaker 1: plus years of life that I would really appreciate the
Speaker 1: week my dad died, that's not possible. You're a lunatic.
Speaker 1: And I do deeply, like so profoundly that I can't
Speaker 1: even begin to really express it. So that's the reason
Speaker 1: I wanted to tell you, guys it because death is scary, obviously,
Speaker 1: but it is beautiful in a way that I think
Speaker 1: if you can approach it the way I did, and
Speaker 1: God only knows how I did. God is how I did,
Speaker 1: but I think that it would be really helpful. I
Speaker 1: think it would be very helpful to you. And I
Speaker 1: think that you know my mom's guidance as a hospice
Speaker 1: practitioner or whatever for so long, and her familiarity with death,
Speaker 1: and just like brief conversations we've had about her career
Speaker 1: over the years, I don't know, it stepped in somehow
Speaker 1: and it assisted me, and I just really I wish
Speaker 1: that for everyone. Not that I wish your parents dead,
Speaker 1: I don't. If they're still alive, awesome. And I hope
Speaker 1: that this inspires you to immediately call them because I
Speaker 1: wish I could call my dad right now, God do
Speaker 1: I wish. But I can talk to him, and that's
Speaker 1: something I did not think I would ever believe. I
Speaker 1: believe I can talk to my dad and I don't
Speaker 1: know how, but I did it today, soul to soul,
Speaker 1: So yeah, my dad died today and it was one
Speaker 1: of the best days of my life. Crazy thing to say,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna miss him so much, but I believe
Speaker 1: our connection is eternal. Literally, I hope to helped love
Speaker 1: you bye,