WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:03.520 On October sixth, at seven fifty six pm Eastern Time, 2 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:09.359 my dad, Daniel died. I don't know if I'm going 3 00:00:09.400 --> 00:00:11.880 to put this episode out. I don't even know if 4 00:00:11.880 --> 00:00:14.960 I'm doing the right thing, but it has been such 5 00:00:14.960 --> 00:00:20.559 a powerful six week process that I feel like, even 6 00:00:20.600 --> 00:00:22.839 if I don't end up publishing this, I want the 7 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:26.879 record for myself. So I'm gonna tell these stories because 8 00:00:27.320 --> 00:00:30.000 I think it's it'll be very therapeutic for me, and 9 00:00:30.039 --> 00:00:32.240 I think that ultimately I don't want to forget the 10 00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:35.399 details because they were so special and so so incredible. 11 00:00:35.799 --> 00:00:37.479 So I'm going to do this. I don't know if 12 00:00:37.479 --> 00:00:41.000 anyone's ever gonna hear it. What a weird thing to do. 13 00:00:41.079 --> 00:00:43.679 But so the reason I'm inspired to do this is, 14 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:45.439 you know, other than the fact that I'm inspired by 15 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:48.200 my dad, is that I made a post last night 16 00:00:48.600 --> 00:00:53.119 when I was at the hospital, and it went crazy viral, 17 00:00:53.719 --> 00:00:57.280 and the response to it was basically a therapy session 18 00:00:57.320 --> 00:01:00.439 for the world and everyone who is ever lost a 19 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:03.320 parent or a loved one for that matter. I can't 20 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:05.120 tell you. I mean, I don't know if it's ten 21 00:01:05.159 --> 00:01:09.319 thousand replies or something crazy. It's extraordinary and it seemed 22 00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:13.159 to be very, very therapeutic for people, and it really 23 00:01:13.159 --> 00:01:16.680 helped me. So that's why I'm doing this is that. 24 00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:20.439 And the context of that post was that, you know, 25 00:01:20.680 --> 00:01:23.519 people don't talk about this, They don't talk about the 26 00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:27.760 loss of a parent, and really we don't talk about 27 00:01:27.799 --> 00:01:29.640 death at all. And I don't know if I'm going 28 00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:33.439 to get too high minded and talk, you know, about 29 00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:36.439 that right now, but I do want to tell the story. 30 00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:43.719 So yesterday I was I was asked by my dad's 31 00:01:44.200 --> 00:01:47.840 wife to basically fill in for her, which we had 32 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:50.959 been doing. More or less. We had been cycling on 33 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:53.879 and off. My dad's been in the hospital for nine 34 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:58.319 days after fighting me tooth and nail and absolutely refusing 35 00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:01.239 to get care until the very, very very last minute, 36 00:02:01.239 --> 00:02:04.920 and it was too late. Also, just so you guys know, 37 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:07.599 because I'm sure there's some curiosity, my dad was seventy 38 00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:11.319 two years old when he passed, and he had stage 39 00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:16.560 four melanoma. It had started on his upper cheekbone and 40 00:02:16.599 --> 00:02:18.240 then he had a spot on his nose and the 41 00:02:18.280 --> 00:02:22.039 other side and it just kept coming back. But more importantly, 42 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:25.439 he just he didn't really address it. In January, he 43 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:28.080 had this large, large, blotch on his nose that the 44 00:02:28.159 --> 00:02:31.800 doctor had scheduled him to actually have removed, and instead 45 00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:33.840 of doing so, he went back to California and he 46 00:02:33.879 --> 00:02:36.960 stayed there for four months before he got it taken out. 47 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:41.199 And you know, I'm I can take some solace in 48 00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:43.520 the fact that I told him in January it may 49 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.919 have been February that Dad, if you don't address this, 50 00:02:47.080 --> 00:02:51.719 melanoma is crazy dangerous and it'll probably get in near blood, 51 00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:55.599 it'll spread to your organs, it'll kill you. And he said, 52 00:02:55.879 --> 00:02:59.400 I'll get it handled, Clint, and he didn't. I mean, 53 00:02:59.439 --> 00:03:05.240 he did, but five months too late. So anyways, about 54 00:03:05.400 --> 00:03:08.599 six weeks ago, or I guess it's two months ago. Now, 55 00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:12.360 this has been a very very trying time and very 56 00:03:12.840 --> 00:03:15.479 hard to keep track of time. So about two months 57 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:19.960 ago I am informed that he's sick. But you know, 58 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:22.400 we like we usually would see each other twice a month, 59 00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:25.879 go to lunch, go to dinner. Not like crazy close, 60 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:28.800 but a very close relationship for sure, And we would 61 00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:33.080 have phone calls probably weekly. And he was the biggest 62 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:36.319 fan of this show, the biggest fan, and he would 63 00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:40.280 force feed it to everyone in his life. He would 64 00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:41.879 put it on and then he'd be like, you want 65 00:03:41.919 --> 00:03:44.879 to watch my son? He was very very proud of me. 66 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:47.840 I don't know how I'm getting through this without crying. 67 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:49.599 I'm sure I will break down at some point, but 68 00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:52.759 I've cried so much over the past week and really 69 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:55.400 over the past month, that I feel like I'm I'm tapped, 70 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:58.599 and I'm just I'm I don't know. I have I 71 00:03:58.639 --> 00:04:01.080 have great peace, and you'll understand if you stick with 72 00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:06.159 me through this conversation. So about six weeks ago, maybe 73 00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:09.120 two months ago, he's sick. He has an ear infection, 74 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:10.840 is what he tells me, and his energy is very 75 00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:13.199 low and he's not eating, and I'm like, okay, well 76 00:04:13.199 --> 00:04:15.719 that sounds pretty serious. Are you seeing a doctor? And 77 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:17.319 he's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna go see a doctor. 78 00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:20.759 See an ear, you know, get ear drops, and that's 79 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:24.040 what he does, and it doesn't fix it. Come to 80 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:27.000 find out much later than in fact, it's a tumor 81 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:31.199 that is in his ear, so it had spread. We 82 00:04:31.279 --> 00:04:35.360 find out about three weeks ago that the tumors, the melanoma, 83 00:04:35.399 --> 00:04:37.639 has obviously gotten it into his blood, as I had warned, 84 00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:41.199 and it has spread to virtually all his major organs. 85 00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:44.560 I mean it was his adrenals, his liver, his lung, 86 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:48.360 his uh. I think his kidney was okay, but they 87 00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:50.600 said at one point, one of the doctors said blood 88 00:04:50.639 --> 00:04:55.759 and bone so deep. And then we found out very 89 00:04:55.800 --> 00:04:57.879 late that in fact, that thing in his ear was 90 00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:01.680 a tumor as well melanoma, and it was likely in 91 00:05:01.720 --> 00:05:04.439 his brain at that point. I don't know that, and 92 00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:08.519 ultimately it doesn't matter. It was so so pervasive that 93 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:12.720 it was going to be fatal no matter what. So anyways, 94 00:05:12.920 --> 00:05:15.480 his wife asked me to sit in with him, and 95 00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:17.519 I was going back anyway, so that was no big deal. 96 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:19.680 But I hadn't been spending the night. I had been 97 00:05:19.720 --> 00:05:22.160 going over there and spending four to six hours every 98 00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:24.480 day with him and that was great. And this was 99 00:05:24.519 --> 00:05:28.639 when he was still talking. But last night, you know, 100 00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:32.920 he stopped talking on Thursday. So Wednesday of last week 101 00:05:33.000 --> 00:05:35.480 was the last conversation that I will now ever have 102 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:40.079 with my dad. And it was so powerful, it was 103 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:42.399 so good. If you're a fan of this show, then 104 00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:45.759 you already know what I'm talking about. But I did 105 00:05:45.800 --> 00:05:48.560 this episode. I think it was like second Shooter on 106 00:05:48.600 --> 00:05:51.160 the roof, talking about the Kirk case, and the last 107 00:05:51.160 --> 00:05:54.480 ten minutes of it is just this, you know, loving 108 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:58.199 story about my childhood with my dad and how I 109 00:05:58.279 --> 00:06:02.000 realized that this is the end, most likely, and that 110 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:04.199 I just wanted him to know how special he was 111 00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:06.639 to me, and I wanted him to hear it, and 112 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:08.879 because he had been in the hospital, I knew he 113 00:06:08.920 --> 00:06:10.720 hadn't heard it, and I knew he was such a 114 00:06:10.720 --> 00:06:14.920 big fan, not of the show but of me really 115 00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:19.560 that I just it would not be right if he 116 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:23.600 didn't hear that. So long story short, Wednesday, it is 117 00:06:23.639 --> 00:06:27.319 like my last chance. I didn't know it at the time, 118 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:30.000 but it's my last chance to talk to my dad, 119 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:35.680 and thank god I took this opportunity. Everybody stepped out 120 00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:37.360 of the room, so it's just he and I and 121 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:39.480 I'm the type that, like, I don't really want to 122 00:06:39.480 --> 00:06:43.079 be super emotional in a crowd, which is weird because 123 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:44.959 I'm doing this, but you know what I mean, I'm 124 00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:47.000 by myself right now. This doesn't feel like there's a crowd. 125 00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:52.279 And I tell him that I know that you never 126 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:54.480 miss an episode of my show, but I'm pretty sure 127 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:56.600 you missed an episode because you haven't talked to me 128 00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:58.480 about this and I'd like to play you something and 129 00:06:58.519 --> 00:07:01.680 he said okay. And he's very weak already, you know, 130 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:07.319 his voice is very very soft, and he's starting to 131 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:10.920 detach from his body, but he's he's still present like 132 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:12.800 that day. He's present, he's able to have a conversation. 133 00:07:12.920 --> 00:07:15.079 In fact, it was the most healthy he had been 134 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:19.519 or present, i should say, in days. So very fortunate. 135 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:22.720 So I have this one on one time and my 136 00:07:22.759 --> 00:07:24.279 aunt and my uncle are in the hallway and his 137 00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:26.519 wife in the hallway, so it's just he and I 138 00:07:26.360 --> 00:07:28.680 and I and I asked him and he says, oh, yeah, absolutely, 139 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:31.759 that'd be great. And I start to play it and 140 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:37.360 immediately I start to cry, and he does too. He 141 00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:41.959 grabs my hand and we just look at each other. 142 00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:49.240 We just look at each other for a long time. 143 00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:55.720 And he still thought I was crazy. He thought there 144 00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:58.560 was no chance he was dying. He was. He was like, 145 00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:04.920 He's like, this is great, but I'm gonna be fine. 146 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:08.720 He wasn't. He wasn't gonna be fine. But I love 147 00:08:08.839 --> 00:08:12.279 that about him, you know it. Oh his stubbornness drove 148 00:08:12.360 --> 00:08:15.680 me fucking crazy. As I'm trying to get him healthcare 149 00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:18.319 and he just refuses adamantly. He's like, oh, I got 150 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:21.040 a doctor's appartment in a week, he can wait. And 151 00:08:21.079 --> 00:08:23.879 I'm like, D like, I'm pretty sure you have cancer 152 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:27.519 and like it's taken you quick. You haven't eaten in weeks, 153 00:08:27.600 --> 00:08:29.639 and he's like, I got a doctor's apartment a week, 154 00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:32.720 It'll be fine. But anyways, he just grabs my hand 155 00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:34.480 and he just he just you know, he tells me 156 00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:36.039 everything that he needs to say, and I tell him 157 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:38.639 everything I need to say, and it's just so good 158 00:08:38.879 --> 00:08:42.200 to have that. And you know, I could get into 159 00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:45.399 the specifics, just broadly speaking, it was like, you know, 160 00:08:45.559 --> 00:08:47.080 he just got to tell me how proud he was 161 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:50.000 of me, how much he loved me, and vice versa, 162 00:08:50.679 --> 00:08:53.440 and you know, truly we were each other's biggest fans 163 00:08:54.919 --> 00:09:01.600 and or for the reck. So about halfway through that 164 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:07.480 ten minute segment of my show and we're likes, he's laughing. 165 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:10.519 He's like he's really he's remembering these stories that I'm telling, 166 00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:13.000 especially the childhood one, and he's I can just tell 167 00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:15.200 he's very touched. You know, I hadn't seen any emotion 168 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:17.720 from him throughout this process, really, you know, other than 169 00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:22.840 irritability and sadness, you know, that was really a discomfort, 170 00:09:23.000 --> 00:09:24.879 and this was the first time that he cried. You know, 171 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:31.039 he teared big time, and so did I. Anyways, my 172 00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:34.919 uncle Rod shout out to Uncle Rod. He walks in 173 00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:40.960 and he's just immediately overwhelmed because he recognizes what's happening 174 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:44.240 because he had already heard it. And he just sits 175 00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:45.639 in the corner and he doesn't say a word and 176 00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:47.639 he just lets us have our moment and thank you 177 00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:51.200 for that. So anyways, that's the last time he talks. 178 00:09:52.200 --> 00:09:55.080 That's the last time he talks to me. And I 179 00:09:55.120 --> 00:09:58.480 go home that night and I'm actually thinking, you know, 180 00:09:58.559 --> 00:10:02.279 maybe I am overstating this. Maybe he is going to recover. 181 00:10:02.320 --> 00:10:05.799 He's so stubborn. Maybe he can just ignore this. He'lp 182 00:10:05.840 --> 00:10:09.840 be fine. I don't know. And I get back to 183 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:12.600 the hospital the next day and he is no longer talking, 184 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:18.759 and he's still able to move, but he doesn't move 185 00:10:18.759 --> 00:10:21.600 on command. He doesn't move based off of what you 186 00:10:21.639 --> 00:10:24.080 have to say to him. If you ask him to 187 00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:27.679 squeeze your hand, there's nothing. And it turns out that 188 00:10:28.919 --> 00:10:30.759 we think. I don't I don't even know if I'll 189 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:32.360 ever know, because I don't think that they're going to 190 00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:34.840 do an autopsy because he you know, why would they. 191 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:38.960 But I think I think the tumor in his ear 192 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:41.919 or slash brain caused a brain bleed, and I think 193 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:45.480 that a portion of his brain, probably the speech function, 194 00:10:46.039 --> 00:10:49.679 or maybe more than that, had been destroyed. Most likely, 195 00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:55.399 I'm really not sure. But he's he's almost almost in 196 00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:57.519 a coma. But I think people in a coma don't 197 00:10:57.559 --> 00:11:01.320 move around. I don't know that. This is not my expertise. 198 00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:07.279 So anyways, he's alive, but he's just basically laying there 199 00:11:07.639 --> 00:11:11.360 and and he can't react to what you say, even 200 00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:14.320 though he does he will move when you talk to him, 201 00:11:14.440 --> 00:11:19.080 so it's like he recognizes a familiar voice and he 202 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:22.440 he reacts. So maybe he can here, maybe he can't understand, 203 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:24.240 he just can't talk. I'm not I'm really not sure. 204 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:30.879 So that's how he was from Thursday until today. And 205 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:36.519 so she asked me last night to go, you know, 206 00:11:36.639 --> 00:11:39.480 swap swap her out, because she's been there and she's exhausted, 207 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:42.639 and I totally respected that, and she wants to she 208 00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:45.440 wants to get some sleep at home because it's an 209 00:11:45.480 --> 00:11:48.240 absolute nightmare to try and sleep in the hospital. There's 210 00:11:48.519 --> 00:11:50.759 lights and people coming in and taking tests of him 211 00:11:50.799 --> 00:11:54.919 and stuff, and it's just absolutely brutal. So it's just 212 00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:57.440 he and I and I'm so grateful that I had 213 00:11:57.440 --> 00:11:59.720 this opportunity. And I'm gonna actually read it to you 214 00:11:59.759 --> 00:12:03.840 because because it seemed to be very impactful on people, 215 00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:05.799 and I think it's important that you know what I'm 216 00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:10.559 talking about. Actually, I'll share it. Screw it, let's share 217 00:12:10.600 --> 00:12:12.000 it so you guys know what I'm talking about and 218 00:12:12.039 --> 00:12:15.360 you can see the photo because this is truly what 219 00:12:15.480 --> 00:12:17.639 it was. I thought long and hard about whether or 220 00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:20.720 not to post the photo, and I ended up cropping 221 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:24.360 it to remove him from it, because you know, it's 222 00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:28.960 already weird to talk about something like this, and I 223 00:12:29.080 --> 00:12:31.120 just wanted to make it very clear that this was 224 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:35.399 not intended to be exploitative of him, that it was 225 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.440 supposed to be an honor of him. You know, that 226 00:12:38.440 --> 00:12:42.279 was my motivation. So I think people got it. As 227 00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:45.519 you can tell, this is Miami, downtown Miami, and he's 228 00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:48.120 got the IV with I had asked them to put 229 00:12:48.159 --> 00:12:50.480 him on steroids because it could bring down the brain inflammation. 230 00:12:50.519 --> 00:12:51.879 I was hoping that it might bring him back so 231 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:53.480 that he could talk to us, but that never happened. 232 00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:56.159 So I say to him, all right, I say to 233 00:12:56.240 --> 00:12:59.000 the world, say, it's just my dad and I in 234 00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:00.679 the hospital tonight. I want to tell you what this 235 00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:02.440 is like, because no one ever told me, and I 236 00:13:02.440 --> 00:13:04.720 wish they had. It could be hours or it could 237 00:13:04.759 --> 00:13:07.200 be days, but he is dying. I read this short 238 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:10.559 book called Gone from My Sight, which lays out, step 239 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:13.440 by step, every aspect of the dying process. It gave 240 00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:16.039 me great comfort. I got to take a brief pause. 241 00:13:16.279 --> 00:13:20.120 My mom has ran hospice for twenty years and like 242 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:25.519 as a management placement person, and she's been around and 243 00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:28.679 dealt with death and dying for decades. So she's a 244 00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:31.240 great resource on this and I'm so appreciative that she 245 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:34.039 told me this. I talked to her last I can't 246 00:13:34.039 --> 00:13:35.679 believe it's only last night, but I talked to her 247 00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:37.960 last night and she tells me about this book. It's 248 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:40.159 like it really it's a booklet. It's almost like a pamphlet. 249 00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:44.600 It's very short. She tells me to read or listen 250 00:13:44.639 --> 00:13:46.840 to it. I immediately do. I'm so glad I did, 251 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:49.159 because what I realized in it is that, like, oh, 252 00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:51.279 I've been watching my dad die for two months, and 253 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:54.080 I didn't I didn't know. I knew instinctually, but I 254 00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:58.120 didn't know no, as Candice own says, so continuing on 255 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:03.159 it gave me great comfort. This is natural. In some ways. 256 00:14:03.159 --> 00:14:05.600 It is as beautiful as childbirth. That's not what the 257 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:07.960 book said, just the overwhelming emotion I was left with. 258 00:14:08.440 --> 00:14:10.879 He stopped eating almost entirely about a month ago, and 259 00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:13.799 stopped speaking four days ago. I am very fortunate and 260 00:14:13.799 --> 00:14:15.919 grateful that he and I had a tear filled conversation 261 00:14:15.960 --> 00:14:18.039 on the last day he will ever speak. It was 262 00:14:18.039 --> 00:14:20.240 so beautiful. I don't even have words for it. Obviously 263 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:22.120 I do now, but at the time I did not. 264 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:25.480 He had withdrawn from me two months ago, but that 265 00:14:25.559 --> 00:14:28.120 is exactly what dying people do. I just didn't know, 266 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:30.200 and I don't know, and I doubt he did either. 267 00:14:31.000 --> 00:14:33.120 His eyelids remain slightly open, and you can see him 268 00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:35.240 looking around as if in a dream state. To me, 269 00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:38.600 he is likely reliving fond memories and reconciling any items 270 00:14:38.679 --> 00:14:41.240 left undone. He moves when I speak to him, but 271 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:43.240 I believe it's just the familiar voice of a loved 272 00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:46.279 one that causes him to stir. He is not truly present, 273 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:48.480 a few toes left on earth, and the rest of 274 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:51.279 him lifting away from me towards his next chapter. He 275 00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:54.480 is not gone. He will not be gone. He will 276 00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:57.919 just be gone from my sight. If anyone had told 277 00:14:57.919 --> 00:14:59.840 me that the week my dad died would be one 278 00:14:59.879 --> 00:15:01.399 of the best of my life, I would have thought 279 00:15:01.399 --> 00:15:04.600 they were crazy here, sociopathic. But that's what this has been. 280 00:15:05.440 --> 00:15:07.879 I've never felt closer to him. I have never felt 281 00:15:07.879 --> 00:15:10.559 closer to God. To hold his hand as he dies, 282 00:15:10.639 --> 00:15:12.919 his life come full circle. He was the first to 283 00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:14.440 hold my hand, and I will be the last to 284 00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:17.120 hold his. I have done my duty as his son, 285 00:15:17.480 --> 00:15:20.000 and he did a great job as my father. Don't 286 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:23.480 get me wrong. It hurts terribly, but only because the 287 00:15:23.519 --> 00:15:26.639 bond runs so deep. I love you, Dad. It's okay 288 00:15:26.679 --> 00:15:29.200 for you to go. I can't believe I read that 289 00:15:29.799 --> 00:15:35.960 without crying. Good job, Clinton, you're keeping it together. My 290 00:15:36.039 --> 00:15:39.480 dad died like a couple hours ago. Guys, like it's 291 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:43.279 eleven forty eight. He died at seven fifty six, So 292 00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:46.879 this is what is that? Nine ten eleven, less than 293 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:52.919 four hours ago. Oh? I really don't know if I 294 00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:55.159 should be doing this but I'm gonna keep going. I really, 295 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:58.240 I really I need to have these memories like locked 296 00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:00.559 in because it was really spectacular. And once I tell 297 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:03.639 you what happened, you're going to understand why. That's how 298 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:06.679 you do a cliffhanger. Folks, Oh man, what a cliff hanger. 299 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:09.639 Oh I can't believe it happened. It doesn't even feel real. 300 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:17.279 So anyways, So I spend the night there and I 301 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:23.440 am just having like every hour, maybe least probably every 302 00:16:23.679 --> 00:16:26.200 thirty minutes twenty minutes, I go over to him and 303 00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:28.720 I kiss his head and I hold his hand and 304 00:16:28.759 --> 00:16:30.879 I talk to him and I just tell him everything 305 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:33.080 I need to say. And then I feel like I've 306 00:16:33.120 --> 00:16:35.360 said everything, and I'm like, nope, you know. I go 307 00:16:35.399 --> 00:16:37.519 sit down and I, you know, wash something on my 308 00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:40.240 phone or whatever, and then I go, nope, I got 309 00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:42.919 more to say, and I get back up. And a 310 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:45.759 lot of it is like a lot of it's for 311 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:48.279 me to like get stuff off my chest and express 312 00:16:48.279 --> 00:16:50.120 things that I feel are very important that I do. 313 00:16:50.840 --> 00:16:53.200 But most of it it's just about love. It's just 314 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:55.960 about caring for him. It's just about comfort, trying trying 315 00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:58.600 to comfort him because I do not know, you know 316 00:16:59.240 --> 00:17:03.320 what he is experiencing. I don't know because he can't 317 00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:08.359 he can't communicate. But I'm just saying everything that comes 318 00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:10.039 to my mind, everything that I'm like, I've got to 319 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:12.279 say this. I have to say, like whatever, whatever that 320 00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:14.319 thing is that you're like, God, I wish I had 321 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:16.880 told my parent this, or I need to tell my 322 00:17:17.079 --> 00:17:20.000 dad or my mom this. I got that chance and 323 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:23.920 I did that, and I'm so deeply grateful that I 324 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:27.200 had that time with him. It was obviously one of 325 00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:30.000 the hardest nights of my life, but also legitimately one 326 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:33.720 of the best nights of my life. So spiritually aligning, 327 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:36.440 fulfilling in ways that I It's going to be hard 328 00:17:36.480 --> 00:17:39.400 for me to describe, but I'm going to try. So anyways, 329 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:41.960 we have an amazing night together. And I know that 330 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:44.240 sounds weird because I'm with my dad who's dying, but 331 00:17:44.319 --> 00:17:49.279 it was amazing, so spiritually aligned and like our like 332 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:56.400 our souls were connected for real. So anyways, I can't 333 00:17:56.440 --> 00:18:00.200 sleep though, because it's it's just very hard, and I 334 00:18:00.200 --> 00:18:02.319 I think I fall asleep for maybe forty five minutes, 335 00:18:02.359 --> 00:18:05.200 maybe an hour if I'm lucky, and I wake up 336 00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:11.640 with the sunrise and it's seven ish, and I uh, 337 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:14.319 I texted his lady and I, you know, I tell her, 338 00:18:15.119 --> 00:18:16.920 I gotta go home. I got to sleep, Like I 339 00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:19.799 don't know when he's going to pass, but if he 340 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.440 passes and I'm sleep deprived, I don't know if I 341 00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:25.039 can handle it. You know. That was that was the rationale, 342 00:18:25.039 --> 00:18:27.440 and it was I was being sincere. I really was 343 00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:29.759 concerned about my own mental health because I was like, 344 00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:33.519 this is this is big shit. It really is big shit. 345 00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:37.720 And so she says, okay, and she's like, I'm on 346 00:18:37.799 --> 00:18:41.240 my way there, go ahead. So I leave and I 347 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:43.519 go home, which is like a forty five minute drive. 348 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:45.839 And I get home and I can't sleep, of course, 349 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.000 because all I'm thinking the entire time is like, my 350 00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:50.920 dad's gonna die while I'm asleep, and I could have 351 00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:52.960 been there for him, even though I've been with him 352 00:18:53.000 --> 00:18:55.680 like NonStop for six weeks or two months or whatever 353 00:18:55.680 --> 00:18:59.119 it's been. But it's really hard, and I have this 354 00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:03.480 moment of you know, it like all hits me. Finally, 355 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:06.759 I'm like, I know he's dying. I know, it's like 356 00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:11.319 it's so close. I just just like epiphany kind of 357 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:14.680 style or God telling me or me knowing. I don't know. 358 00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:18.359 I don't know, but I knew, and I sob deeply. 359 00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:21.200 I cry as hard as I have ever cried ever, 360 00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:27.279 like legitimately, like and it was weird because I almost 361 00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:29.720 felt as if I was an observer of myself during that, 362 00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:35.160 like like I was watching me do it, but I 363 00:19:35.240 --> 00:19:39.160 was crying so deeply and it was so good, it 364 00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:45.359 was so necessary. Anyways, and then I'm like, I've got it. 365 00:19:45.400 --> 00:19:46.960 I've got to get to sleep because I've got to 366 00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:48.640 get back to my dad because I want to be 367 00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:51.720 with him when he dies. That's like that's my whole 368 00:19:51.799 --> 00:19:57.519 mission for today. But also I like still have self 369 00:19:57.519 --> 00:19:59.160 care in mind, like Okay, yeah, you want to be 370 00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:00.720 there for him, but make sure that you can handle 371 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:02.799 this claiint. And I'm like, I'm trying to balance these things. 372 00:20:03.400 --> 00:20:06.799 And so I pray, which I don't do often, but 373 00:20:06.839 --> 00:20:08.559 I have done a lot over the past month. And 374 00:20:08.640 --> 00:20:14.799 once again, sure is shit. I have this massive vibrational 375 00:20:14.920 --> 00:20:21.880 energy that is just like just everywhere just emanating off me. Powerful, 376 00:20:22.200 --> 00:20:26.160 super powerful, And because I've posted about it, you know, 377 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.519 people are telling me that's the Holy Spirit, and I 378 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:34.759 genuinely believe as though God has been with me through this, 379 00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:37.359 all of it, and he has given me strength that 380 00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:39.559 I did not know I have. I was telling my 381 00:20:39.559 --> 00:20:44.599 stepdad about it and my mom that I've discovered reservoirs 382 00:20:45.640 --> 00:20:48.240 of strength within me that I did not know I had. 383 00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:52.000 And I think God granted me that ability in this 384 00:20:52.079 --> 00:21:01.039 time that I needed to be this now. And I 385 00:21:01.119 --> 00:21:06.440 don't know that I was ready, but I was ready, 386 00:21:06.599 --> 00:21:16.240 that makes any sense at all, But I was so oh. 387 00:21:20.599 --> 00:21:28.400 So I fall asleep and I sleep so hard, so hard, 388 00:21:28.440 --> 00:21:30.960 but I only sleep for like sixty minutes or ninety minutes. 389 00:21:31.279 --> 00:21:33.759 But I wake up and I'm like covered and drool 390 00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:36.599 and I'm like, oh, how long have I been asleep? 391 00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:41.079 And not long, not long at all. I'm like, did 392 00:21:41.079 --> 00:21:43.000 I miss it. I'm looking at my phone. I'm like 393 00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:46.440 expecting a test text message like your dad's dead, and no, 394 00:21:46.599 --> 00:21:49.079 there's nothing. Like nobody's even reached out to me in 395 00:21:49.079 --> 00:21:52.160 that time, Like, oh great, I did it. I slept. 396 00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:55.200 I feel refreshed, I feel re energized. I can do this. 397 00:21:55.480 --> 00:21:57.839 I'm gonna get back to my dad. But I'm like, 398 00:21:57.880 --> 00:21:59.720 I better eat. I haven't eaten in over a day, 399 00:21:59.799 --> 00:22:03.519 so I grab a salad and I'm eating and I think, 400 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:05.920 I call. Yeah, I call his brother and his sister, 401 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:08.160