WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.640 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.240 demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor 4 00:00:09.240 --> 00:00:12.199 Wendy Walls Show on I Am six SORTI relive everywhere 5 00:00:12.240 --> 00:00:14.519 on the iHeartRadio app. This is the time of the 6 00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:17.600 show where I take to my social media producer Klyst, 7 00:00:17.640 --> 00:00:20.719 scrolls around, looks for your dms, we check our email, 8 00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:23.760 We do all kinds of things to answer your relationship questions. 9 00:00:24.519 --> 00:00:27.960 A reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, 10 00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:30.960 but I've written three books on relationships and did a 11 00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:33.759 dissertation on attachment theory. And I'm a woman of a 12 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:36.439 certain age who's had every kind of relationship possible. So 13 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:38.920 I've got some life wisdom for you. Okay, let's get 14 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:42.960 to it. Dear Doctor Wendy says this one. I like 15 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:46.880 this question. What are the best questions to ask when 16 00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:50.240 trying to get to know someone on a serious level? 17 00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:55.280 You know what you want to ask, questions where they 18 00:00:55.840 --> 00:01:01.600 get to be real, authentic, vulnerable, And my favorite set 19 00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:04.239 of questions you can find them online. There's even an 20 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:07.359 app for it. Is called thirty six questions to fall 21 00:01:07.400 --> 00:01:10.400 in love. These were developed by a psychologist who tested 22 00:01:10.439 --> 00:01:13.959 them on couples and found that after answering these thirty 23 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:16.159 six questions, and it takes about ninety minutes to get 24 00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:21.040 through it a nice long first date. Couples reported feelings 25 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:23.959 of love for each other and they start light and 26 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:26.040 then they get a little deeper, and some of them 27 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:30.159 are funny, and so look it up. Thirty six questions 28 00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:32.280 to fall in love so you can get to the 29 00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:35.480 real stuff instead of just some What movies do you like? 30 00:01:35.719 --> 00:01:38.359 What music do you listen to? That's not going to 31 00:01:38.400 --> 00:01:41.920 hold you in the long run? Okay, dear doctor Wendy, 32 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:45.879 I took the advice of building a friendship with a 33 00:01:45.920 --> 00:01:49.560 man before it gets romantic. He became my best friend, 34 00:01:50.040 --> 00:01:52.319 and then we got romantic and it didn't work out. 35 00:01:52.799 --> 00:01:54.280 I'm struggling to be his friend. 36 00:01:54.319 --> 00:01:54.560 Now. 37 00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:58.519 Can we be friends with someone you love so deeply? 38 00:01:58.599 --> 00:02:00.599 Can you be friends with someone you love so deeply? 39 00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:04.359 I would need a whole bunch more information about why 40 00:02:04.439 --> 00:02:07.200 it didn't work out. I hope you're not going to 41 00:02:07.239 --> 00:02:10.319 tell me the problem with sexual chemistry, because you can 42 00:02:10.360 --> 00:02:12.439 obviously go to a sex therapist and you can talk 43 00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:15.400 things and communication. Andrea, you can get around that one. 44 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:20.199 Anybody can learn to have great sex life. Honestly, it 45 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:23.919 didn't work out, and now you're struggling to be his friend. 46 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:27.120 Can you be friends with someone you love so deeply? 47 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:30.960 So when you use the words someone you love so deeply, 48 00:02:31.639 --> 00:02:36.280 it feels like what's happened here is unrequited love on 49 00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:39.680 your side, that you do love this person and he 50 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:43.280 did not love you back. I would say, I'm sorry. 51 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:45.960 It's going to be hard to transition that into a 52 00:02:46.039 --> 00:02:49.840 friendship in the short term because it's going to keep 53 00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:52.199 bringing up these feelings every time you see him and 54 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:55.800 talk to him. So sadly, you're going to have to 55 00:02:55.840 --> 00:02:59.120 go no contact for a while until you heal yourself 56 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:04.360 and start seeing somebody else. Dear doctor Wendy, I fell 57 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:07.879 for this man who is bipolar. I like to not 58 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:11.639 give diagnoses. A full on character identity is by Paul 59 00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:16.719 Howbot has a diagnosis of bipolar personality. Okay, he's been 60 00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:19.800 a blessing and then a burden. I love when he's supportive, 61 00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:21.639 kind and caring, and then I want to run for 62 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:26.479 the hills when he's spiraling and manic. We were once 63 00:03:26.680 --> 00:03:29.439 married Woo while I was caring for my mom who 64 00:03:29.479 --> 00:03:32.719 was suffering from Parkinson's Woo. It was a lot and 65 00:03:32.759 --> 00:03:36.120 it was pulling me apart. He has refused medical help 66 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:40.599 and says God will get me through my condition. I 67 00:03:40.680 --> 00:03:42.800 know that's positive and a good way to start, but 68 00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:46.840 I'm struggling. Thank you in advance for your guidance and support. Well, 69 00:03:47.439 --> 00:03:50.599 you don't have to, you know, I think everybody deserves love, 70 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:56.479 even those who suffer from mental illness or personality disorders. However, 71 00:03:56.919 --> 00:04:00.800 if the symptoms of his disorder are hurting you and 72 00:04:00.919 --> 00:04:03.319 hurting your relationship, and by the way, you have every 73 00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:07.120 right to say, listen when you are spiraling, when your manic, 74 00:04:07.800 --> 00:04:09.680 call me when you're out of it. And I know 75 00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:11.400 it can be days, it can be weeks, it could 76 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:15.120 be months, but you can set up a boundary that says, 77 00:04:15.159 --> 00:04:16.720 I'm not going to be around when you're like this. 78 00:04:16.920 --> 00:04:19.560 I love you, but this is hurting me too much. 79 00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:22.160 You could try that first. And the other thing is 80 00:04:22.199 --> 00:04:26.000 you could insist that he become medicated, get on medication 81 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:29.439 that makes him more functional, because why are you hurting yourself? 82 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:33.000 That's what I want to know, why have you given 83 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:36.079 yourself permission to be hurt this way? That's what I say. 84 00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:42.279 Start with the boundaries, Dear doctor Wendy. Why do men 85 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:44.600 work for years? I love it? Why do men like 86 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:48.040 all men? Every single one? Generalize? Right there, I've about 87 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:50.639 why do some men or one man that I met? 88 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:55.000 But let's continue. I digress. Why do men work for 89 00:04:55.120 --> 00:04:58.000 years to get you? But when you give them a chance, 90 00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:03.199 all that effort goes out the window. All right, this 91 00:05:04.519 --> 00:05:07.839 you can put any gender on. I want you to 92 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:13.560 remember that relationships have various stages, and they should not 93 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:17.680 feel like a courtship or a honeymoon for years and 94 00:05:17.800 --> 00:05:22.160 years and years. Of course, people of all genders are 95 00:05:22.199 --> 00:05:25.800 going to try a little harder at the beginning. Now, 96 00:05:26.360 --> 00:05:29.199 if you've noticed that this person who you are now 97 00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:32.759 in a committed relationship with is really doing nothing to 98 00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:36.079 nurture the relationship, then this is an opportunity to have 99 00:05:36.120 --> 00:05:39.879 a conversation about that. Right Even Julio will say to 100 00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:42.839 me sometimes, are we getting into a rut? Are things 101 00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:45.199 getting a little boring? Do we need to add some novelty? 102 00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:49.160 And novelty may mean just going to do something different 103 00:05:49.199 --> 00:05:53.800 together finding something else to do. Right, So, I think 104 00:05:53.800 --> 00:05:57.480 it's an opportunity for you guys to have a conversation 105 00:05:58.120 --> 00:06:02.040 about Hey, I noticed that things are getting a little 106 00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:05.639 boring for me, and it doesn't seem like we're going 107 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:07.959 out like, be very specific about the things you want. 108 00:06:08.040 --> 00:06:10.480 This effort that he was making, what was in that effort? 109 00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:13.680 Was he dressing better? Was he showering more? Was he 110 00:06:13.800 --> 00:06:16.519 taking you out places? Give a laundry list of the 111 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:19.199 stuff you're missing, and then say I'd like to do 112 00:06:19.399 --> 00:06:24.240 more of that and see what happens. Right, Okay, I've 113 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:26.399 got more for you when we come back. If you 114 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:30.279 would like to send me a DM. If you've noticed 115 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:34.199 I keep your identity completely confidential. All you do is 116 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.319 send me a DM. Instagram is the place you check 117 00:06:36.360 --> 00:06:38.680 the most, isn't it, Kayla? Right, So you send it 118 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:42.240 to at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. 119 00:06:42.279 --> 00:06:43.639 Some of you go on my website and send me 120 00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:46.480 an email. Fine, you know, I forward it to Kayla 121 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:48.639 and she gets it on our list. I'm happy to 122 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:50.839 weigh in on your love life, all right when we 123 00:06:50.879 --> 00:06:54.759 come back. Oh, the whole problem with nice guys and 124 00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:57.720 bad boys. I used to have that problem. You're listening 125 00:06:57.720 --> 00:07:00.639 to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI six forty 126 00:07:00.680 --> 00:07:02.839 with Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 127 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:08.240 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 128 00:07:08.439 --> 00:07:09.399 AM six forty. 129 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:13.199 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI 130 00:07:13.319 --> 00:07:17.240 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right, 131 00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:20.000 this is the segment of the show where I'm answering 132 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:22.720 your private messages that you send to me on social 133 00:07:22.759 --> 00:07:26.160 media at Doctor Wendy Walsh. It is always my honor 134 00:07:26.199 --> 00:07:31.000 to weigh in. This listener asked the question that so 135 00:07:31.160 --> 00:07:36.399 many women struggle with, which is, Dear Doctor Wendy, why 136 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:40.199 am I not attracted to the nice guy and continuously 137 00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:44.480 allow myself to be hurt by bad boys? Well, you 138 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:47.199 a preacher to the choir. I went through decades and 139 00:07:47.319 --> 00:07:49.720 decades of this as a young woman, and I was 140 00:07:49.839 --> 00:07:57.040 so frustrated. Evolutionary psychologists might say that we are naturally 141 00:07:57.079 --> 00:08:01.279 triggered to go for guys who are taller, more muscular, 142 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:05.920 have deeper voices, have access to more resources, and those 143 00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:10.360 particular men tend to become bad boys. If you'll want frequent, 144 00:08:10.439 --> 00:08:14.199 short term relationships because they can because so many women 145 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:17.279 are attracted to them. And then there are these nice 146 00:08:17.319 --> 00:08:20.399 guys who will do anything for you, and you're not 147 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:25.000 as excited by them. For me, I have to tell 148 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:29.879 you it took many, many years working with a therapist. Also, 149 00:08:29.959 --> 00:08:33.200 the healing relationship of my healthy attachment with my children. 150 00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:41.120 It caused me to realize my value, to feel that 151 00:08:41.240 --> 00:08:47.720 I deserved good treatment. You see, we all have this unconscious, 152 00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:52.200 silent attachment style, and I think I had what you 153 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:57.879 would call an anxious ambivalent attachment style, meaning the bad 154 00:08:57.960 --> 00:09:01.799 boys if they were, you know, treating me badly or 155 00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:04.159 pushing away and I was chasing them, there would be 156 00:09:04.240 --> 00:09:07.320 that anxiety, right, I'd be anxious for them to call 157 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.879 to get together. I'd try to please them as much 158 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:12.840 as possible, and then there would be the nice guy 159 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:16.240 showing up, and I'd be very ambivalent about being loved, 160 00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:19.919 and I would push them away. I don't know, maybe 161 00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:23.279 I would say, like, after twenty years of single motherhood, 162 00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:26.120 and I do not wish this on you. When I 163 00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:30.159 met a guy who's now my husband and he was 164 00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:33.960 actually kind and giving and loving, I was like, oh, 165 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:38.279 I deserve this. I've worked hard for this, and I 166 00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:40.879 got to my state of readiness to be able to 167 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:45.200 take in a nice guy, so it is an inside job. 168 00:09:45.720 --> 00:09:48.320 I do suggest you work with a therapist on this, 169 00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:50.639 because there could be a lot of things going on, 170 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:53.399 and it took me a long time to get over it. 171 00:09:53.799 --> 00:09:56.559 And now when I see those bad boys out of 172 00:09:56.559 --> 00:09:58.519 the world, or the old bad boys from the past, 173 00:09:58.519 --> 00:10:00.559 when they come cruising by again, because they seem to 174 00:10:00.600 --> 00:10:04.120 keep coming around, I just laugh. I find a comical 175 00:10:04.519 --> 00:10:07.399 their whole game. It just doesn't doesn't turn me on anymore. 176 00:10:08.360 --> 00:10:12.440 All right, Moving on, Dear doctor Wendy, how long do 177 00:10:12.519 --> 00:10:15.200 I play hard to get? I want this guy bad, 178 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:21.720 but I don't want to lose my power in the situation. Oooo. Well, 179 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:25.879 the answer is, you're not supposed to be playing hard 180 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:29.919 to get as a manipulation tactic. You're supposed to be 181 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:33.440 taking the time you need to assess them as a 182 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:37.360 possible mate. And if they are showing up, if they 183 00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:41.080 are being honest, if they are doing what they say 184 00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:43.759 they're going to do, their actions are matching their words, 185 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:49.000 if they're opening up and becoming emotionally vulnerable, then he's 186 00:10:49.039 --> 00:10:52.440 probably ready for you to have a relationship and go 187 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:55.360 to that next step. But if all you're doing is 188 00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:59.200 withholding sex from him to drive him crazy, that's not 189 00:10:59.399 --> 00:11:03.320 building a relationship. It's also not assessing who he really 190 00:11:03.440 --> 00:11:06.440 is because he's gonna be acting like the best made 191 00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:09.600 in the world because he's playing that same game. So 192 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:13.799 I would say, do your full assessment, don't play hard 193 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:17.759 to get just see take the time that you need 194 00:11:17.799 --> 00:11:22.960 to analyze the relationship. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, my 195 00:11:23.120 --> 00:11:26.039 date has been going above and beyond. Well, that's good. 196 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:29.960 He gives me calls, calls daily, dates me weekly, But 197 00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:32.639 he won't move forward. We've been doing this dance for 198 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:37.000 three months. I speculate that he still loves the mother 199 00:11:37.080 --> 00:11:41.039 of his children, Da Da Da Da. He denies it 200 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:43.600 when I ask him about it. Is there another way 201 00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:46.360 to find out? Well, first of all, you're focusing on 202 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:50.039 the wrong thing instead of saying, like, dude, are you 203 00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:52.720 really into her and not me? You sure look insecure. 204 00:11:53.080 --> 00:11:55.120 You do not look like you have won this game. 205 00:11:55.879 --> 00:11:58.600 I would say, be very clear about what your needs are. 206 00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:02.000 What are your needs? Say move forward? How How is 207 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:05.480 he going to move forward? Having dinner in sex once 208 00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:07.679 a week is not a relationship, by the way, even 209 00:12:07.720 --> 00:12:09.320 if there is a text and phone call every day, 210 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:13.440 It's all about the intimacy. What are you talking about? 211 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:16.279 Is he opening up? Are you opening up? Are you 212 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:20.840 leading the way with vulnerability and your feelings? The quality 213 00:12:21.000 --> 00:12:24.879 is much more important than the frequency. So let's talk 214 00:12:24.919 --> 00:12:27.399 about the frequency of contact, even if it's an everyday 215 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:31.000 text or call. If you guys aren't really deepening things 216 00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:34.080 and getting closer, I wouldn't focus on the X. I 217 00:12:34.120 --> 00:12:37.759 would focus on what's going on with the two of you. 218 00:12:38.519 --> 00:12:41.480 Oh here's a good one. Ooh, ooh ooh. Dear doctor Wendy, 219 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:45.519 my wife no longer turns me on sexually. Oh I'm sorry, 220 00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:48.639 it's her job to turn you on. Okay, so I digress. 221 00:12:49.480 --> 00:12:52.519 Dear doctor Wendy, my wife no longer turns me on sexually. 222 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:55.559 It's been years since I have been sexually attracted to her. 223 00:12:56.120 --> 00:13:02.679 Is this normal? Will my sexual attraction ever come back? Okay? 224 00:13:02.840 --> 00:13:06.759 I am quoting friends of mine who are working as 225 00:13:06.840 --> 00:13:14.919 sex therapists. Sex isn't something that spontaneously happens. It's not like, oh, 226 00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:18.279 this person turns me on, because all they're doing is 227 00:13:18.279 --> 00:13:21.320 standing there and that's all they need to do. Sex 228 00:13:21.399 --> 00:13:24.159 is an inside job and it takes place in your head. 229 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:26.639 I would highly suggest that the two of you go 230 00:13:26.679 --> 00:13:29.240 see a license sex therapist so you can learn better 231 00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:33.120 sexual communication. You can learn better sex things different, a 232 00:13:33.159 --> 00:13:36.799 more wider variety. Sometimes just taking it to a different room, 233 00:13:36.840 --> 00:13:39.480 like a hotel room with a candle can change things. 234 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.000 But you've got to do the work. Sexual attraction comes 235 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:47.000 from inside your own head. It doesn't come from outside you. 236 00:13:47.639 --> 00:13:51.000 Everybody of all genders listen to me on this. It's 237 00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:54.440 our own fantasy in our head, and we need to 238 00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:59.559 work that muscle. It's not some spontaneous thing that just happens, 239 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:04.200 So please please, You and your wife could do so 240 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:07.360 much better just going to see a license sex therapist 241 00:14:07.720 --> 00:14:12.080 and learning how to play the game. I have time 242 00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:14.600 for one more real quick because I think this comes 243 00:14:14.679 --> 00:14:18.200 up a lot. Dear doctor Wendy, what does I need 244 00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:21.279 my space really mean? It means they're trying to break 245 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:24.440 up with you. I'm sorry, that's what it means. Nobody 246 00:14:24.440 --> 00:14:27.519 who wants to move forward and grow closer says I 247 00:14:27.559 --> 00:14:31.480 need my space, right So they'd like to keep you 248 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:35.080 around for sex and dinner once in a while, but no, no, no. 249 00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:38.120 Just if someone says I need my space, say enjoy 250 00:14:38.120 --> 00:14:41.159 it and then move along. That's all you need to do, 251 00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:43.879 all right? When we come back, where are we going 252 00:14:44.039 --> 00:14:47.120 after this? Producer Kayla, Oh, this is a good one 253 00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:49.639 because a lot of people. Earlier I talked about happiness, 254 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:53.840 but now I want to talk about taking the high road, 255 00:14:54.720 --> 00:14:59.480 being an optimist, being classy, not and sometimes the high 256 00:14:59.559 --> 00:15:02.559 road is being just gently a little bit best aggressive 257 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:05.600 but not really, not really. I'll explain because I am 258 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:08.480 that I always take the high road, and I'm going 259 00:15:08.519 --> 00:15:10.200 to tell you how to do it where you're not 260 00:15:10.279 --> 00:15:13.840 sacrificing your true feelings. When we come back, you are 261 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:16.919 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM 262 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:20.000 six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 263 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:24.799 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 264 00:15:24.879 --> 00:15:25.840 AM six forty. 265 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:28.720 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and k 266 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:32.960 I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 267 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:37.759 You know what life is. Life is interacting with all 268 00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:42.039 kinds of different people, people with different life experiences, people 269 00:15:42.080 --> 00:15:46.559 with different levels of education, people with different preconceived notions 270 00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:51.240 about who you are, some prejudices, some attitudes. Remember, we 271 00:15:51.279 --> 00:15:54.440 are a tribe and we are many one brained species. 272 00:15:54.519 --> 00:15:56.960 In other words, we're cooperative thinkers. So we do have 273 00:15:57.039 --> 00:15:59.799 to engage with each other, whether it's in families, whether 274 00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:03.519 it's in workplaces, whether it's in friend groups. And every 275 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:07.200 once in a while there's going to be somebody who 276 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:11.840 gets under your skin, who drives you crazy, and it 277 00:16:11.879 --> 00:16:15.360 can be really tempting to take the bait and go 278 00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:19.360 down into the swamp with them. It's happened to me, 279 00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:22.799 And I'm pretty emotionally mature. I like to think of 280 00:16:22.840 --> 00:16:27.320 myself as emotionally mature, but it's happened to me. Taking 281 00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:33.120 the high road is very, very difficult because on some level, 282 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:37.840 you want to prove that you're right. Kayla. Have you 283 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:40.600 ever had a situation where someone totally triggered you and 284 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:43.799 you ended up saying or doing things that you didn't 285 00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:44.080 mean to? 286 00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:48.080 Uh? Yeah, And you really hurt yourself more when you 287 00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:50.200 do that and you regret it. And that's something that 288 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:53.320 I'm actively working toward, because I will take the low 289 00:16:53.399 --> 00:16:56.159 road in a New York minute, Yeah, and I gotta 290 00:16:56.200 --> 00:16:57.960 work on that because I don't feel good afterwards. I 291 00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:01.440 feel good in the moment, but then afterwards it's like, that. 292 00:17:01.480 --> 00:17:07.480 Wasn't me right. You know, there's this a saying and 293 00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:09.640 I hear it on social media a lot about how 294 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:14.440 somebody triggered me, they triggered me, or whenever that X 295 00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:18.519 calls he triggers me. Well, first of all, I think 296 00:17:18.599 --> 00:17:21.640 the most important thing to remember when you're learning to 297 00:17:21.720 --> 00:17:27.039 take the high road emotionally is to understand that nobody 298 00:17:27.400 --> 00:17:33.000 is triggering you deliberately. They don't hold the trigger. You do. 299 00:17:34.119 --> 00:17:37.400 You are the one. It's your job to not be triggered. 300 00:17:37.720 --> 00:17:40.279 It's not their job to not trigger you. They don't 301 00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:42.160 know what they're doing. They're bumbling around the dark and 302 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:46.599 human relationships and they don't know. And so I remember 303 00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:50.119 reading that book the Four Agreements way back when, and 304 00:17:50.200 --> 00:17:55.039 I think agreement number one was take nothing personally. It's 305 00:17:55.200 --> 00:17:59.680 always about them, always right. And you know, when I 306 00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:02.480 learned in therapy school, I had a supervisor who used 307 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:06.839 to say that I should often like one intervention that 308 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:11.200 therapists could ask patients is who taught you that, because 309 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:15.200 it immediately takes it out of a dynamic between you 310 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:19.079 and the person who's insulting you, and instead goes to 311 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:21.440 a third person who could be to blame. So the 312 00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:24.720 two of you could almost collude because let's say somebody 313 00:18:24.839 --> 00:18:28.640 said something insulting to me. Okay, it's happened, and it 314 00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:31.240 was at a dinner table, and it was front of people. Okay, 315 00:18:31.319 --> 00:18:36.119 I said something that is used in common is a word, okay, 316 00:18:36.359 --> 00:18:39.039 and it's used in common language, but I can't say 317 00:18:39.039 --> 00:18:51.039 it on the radio. Well it is mohab Nope, what 318 00:18:53.079 --> 00:18:57.200 it's a sexual act that women perform on men. 319 00:18:57.759 --> 00:18:59.599 I can say that on the radio, excel and go 320 00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:00.000 to work. 321 00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:03.519 Oh, there you go. That's the way you're saying. So 322 00:19:03.640 --> 00:19:05.960 I was telling a story and I happened to insert 323 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:07.440 that word or two words, if you want to call 324 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:10.599 it that way, and this woman interrupted me and said, 325 00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:13.519 I'm sorry, you can't say that at this dinner table. 326 00:19:13.559 --> 00:19:17.759 That sounds crass. And I said, what would you rather say? Fillatio? See, 327 00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:20.720 I can say that on the radio. That was medically 328 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:24.359 terms a term, right and yeah, And then they just 329 00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.720 kind of laughed. But all I thought in my head 330 00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:31.599 is this poor woman probably had a critical mother who 331 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:34.279 really slammed her at the table, and of course I 332 00:19:34.279 --> 00:19:35.880 didn't want to get into therapy in front of all 333 00:19:35.920 --> 00:19:39.079 the other people, and so I didn't say, who taught 334 00:19:39.160 --> 00:19:42.000 you to admonish people at the dinner table? Was that 335 00:19:42.039 --> 00:19:46.240 your mom? I didn't go there. Okay, As another friend 336 00:19:46.440 --> 00:19:48.799 said to me the other day, why is that word 337 00:19:48.839 --> 00:19:56.759 a problem? It's a job? Why devalue women's work? Anyway? 338 00:19:57.079 --> 00:19:59.720 I let it go. I took the high road. But 339 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.640 what did I use to take the high road? Compassion? 340 00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:06.079 Compassion is the best way to take the high road. 341 00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:09.400 When somebody quote unquote triggers you or says something that 342 00:20:09.440 --> 00:20:12.960 offends you or hurts you in some way, you always 343 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:16.000 need to ask yourself who taught them that? Or why 344 00:20:16.039 --> 00:20:20.359 are they afraid of me? Why are they intimidated by me? 345 00:20:20.960 --> 00:20:27.920 Because it's always ultimately about them. It's also really important 346 00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:32.000 that you do the work of getting rid of your 347 00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:34.680 tender spots. And that's one of the reasons I'm always 348 00:20:34.680 --> 00:20:38.079 preaching people need to go see a licensed therapist, because 349 00:20:38.759 --> 00:20:43.319 when we walk around with all these vulnerable tender spots, 350 00:20:43.720 --> 00:20:47.359 and anybody with any slight, whether it's you know, road rage, 351 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:49.880 they cut you off on the freeway or they you 352 00:20:49.880 --> 00:20:52.799 know breast past you at the line of Trader Joe's 353 00:20:52.839 --> 00:20:57.079 whatever if they If somebody feels like they're insulting you 354 00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:00.440 when they're just busily going about their day, you have 355 00:21:00.519 --> 00:21:04.519 too many tender spots and healing needs to take place. 356 00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:11.359 You need to recognize they're not doing anything deliberate to you. Right, 357 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:18.519 you can become more resilient in the face of triggers. 358 00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:23.319 My favorite metaphor for triggers is let's say you're driving 359 00:21:23.319 --> 00:21:25.240 along and you see the person in front of you 360 00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:28.839 take a lit cigarette and throw it out the window 361 00:21:28.920 --> 00:21:32.720 of their moving car. Well, what happens. It depends on 362 00:21:32.759 --> 00:21:35.319 where it lands. If it lands on a field of 363 00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:38.920 dry grass, you're going to be in trouble. Right, If 364 00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:41.079 it lands in a puddle, you're not going to have 365 00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:44.960 a problem. And so when people lob their little insults 366 00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:48.160 at you, are you a field of dry grass or 367 00:21:48.200 --> 00:21:51.519 are you a soothing serene a puddle, We'll just put 368 00:21:51.559 --> 00:21:57.039 it out right, let it go. Okay. So, if you've 369 00:21:57.039 --> 00:22:00.359 got family members who are making judgmental comments, you've got 370 00:22:00.359 --> 00:22:04.440 co workers who seem a little rude, I want you 371 00:22:04.519 --> 00:22:07.640 to be concerned about their welfare. I want you to 372 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:10.640 stop and think, why are they threatened by me? 373 00:22:11.720 --> 00:22:12.079 Why? 374 00:22:12.279 --> 00:22:16.200 Because you're the one who has the power at that moment. 375 00:22:16.880 --> 00:22:20.400 Don't forget it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh 376 00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:23.519 Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 377 00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:24.519 iHeartRadio App. 378 00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.200 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 379 00:22:29.400 --> 00:22:31.799 AM six forty Welcome back. 380 00:22:31.640 --> 00:22:34.440 To the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six 381 00:22:34.519 --> 00:22:37.359 forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I hope you've 382 00:22:37.359 --> 00:22:40.880 downloaded that iHeartRadio app by now, because what you can 383 00:22:40.920 --> 00:22:44.119 do you don't have to listen to me Sunday nights 384 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:47.680 from seven to nine. Anytime you're driving in the car, 385 00:22:48.119 --> 00:22:50.720 you got your head set in, you're out for a walk, 386 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:53.799 you just go on the iHeartRadio app and you search 387 00:22:53.880 --> 00:22:56.079 Doctor Wendy Walsh and all the shows you missed are 388 00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:01.079 right there. So you see, you can do that anyway. 389 00:23:01.799 --> 00:23:08.160 I have been studying, researching, reading about writing about the 390 00:23:08.200 --> 00:23:11.359 science of love for about three decades now, partly to 391 00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:14.200 solve my own love life problems. Now that's done, I'm married. 392 00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:17.960 It all worked. I took my own advice that the 393 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:20.880 other day I was trying to explain my quote unquote 394 00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:25.880 brand to somebody and he immediately said, well, I had 395 00:23:25.880 --> 00:23:29.200 two daughters. They're in their early thirties. They're having such 396 00:23:29.240 --> 00:23:32.960 a hard time meeting guys. And I thought to myself, Oh, 397 00:23:33.000 --> 00:23:36.720 they don't know about the high supply sexual economy that 398 00:23:36.759 --> 00:23:39.680 we're in. So, in case you haven't heard me say 399 00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:42.559 this before, because I haven't talked about it in a while, 400 00:23:42.640 --> 00:23:44.960 it's all in my book, The Thirty Day Love Detoks. 401 00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:47.839