Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
Speaker 1: I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on I Am six SORTI relive everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. This is the time of the
Speaker 1: show where I take to my social media producer Klyst,
Speaker 1: scrolls around, looks for your dms, we check our email,
Speaker 1: We do all kinds of things to answer your relationship questions.
Speaker 1: A reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
Speaker 1: but I've written three books on relationships and did a
Speaker 1: dissertation on attachment theory. And I'm a woman of a
Speaker 1: certain age who's had every kind of relationship possible. So
Speaker 1: I've got some life wisdom for you. Okay, let's get
Speaker 1: to it. Dear Doctor Wendy says this one. I like
Speaker 1: this question. What are the best questions to ask when
Speaker 1: trying to get to know someone on a serious level?
Speaker 1: You know what you want to ask, questions where they
Speaker 1: get to be real, authentic, vulnerable, And my favorite set
Speaker 1: of questions you can find them online. There's even an
Speaker 1: app for it. Is called thirty six questions to fall
Speaker 1: in love. These were developed by a psychologist who tested
Speaker 1: them on couples and found that after answering these thirty
Speaker 1: six questions, and it takes about ninety minutes to get
Speaker 1: through it a nice long first date. Couples reported feelings
Speaker 1: of love for each other and they start light and
Speaker 1: then they get a little deeper, and some of them
Speaker 1: are funny, and so look it up. Thirty six questions
Speaker 1: to fall in love so you can get to the
Speaker 1: real stuff instead of just some What movies do you like?
Speaker 1: What music do you listen to? That's not going to
Speaker 1: hold you in the long run? Okay, dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: I took the advice of building a friendship with a
Speaker 1: man before it gets romantic. He became my best friend,
Speaker 1: and then we got romantic and it didn't work out.
Speaker 1: I'm struggling to be his friend.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: Can we be friends with someone you love so deeply?
Speaker 1: Can you be friends with someone you love so deeply?
Speaker 1: I would need a whole bunch more information about why
Speaker 1: it didn't work out. I hope you're not going to
Speaker 1: tell me the problem with sexual chemistry, because you can
Speaker 1: obviously go to a sex therapist and you can talk
Speaker 1: things and communication. Andrea, you can get around that one.
Speaker 1: Anybody can learn to have great sex life. Honestly, it
Speaker 1: didn't work out, and now you're struggling to be his friend.
Speaker 1: Can you be friends with someone you love so deeply?
Speaker 1: So when you use the words someone you love so deeply,
Speaker 1: it feels like what's happened here is unrequited love on
Speaker 1: your side, that you do love this person and he
Speaker 1: did not love you back. I would say, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: It's going to be hard to transition that into a
Speaker 1: friendship in the short term because it's going to keep
Speaker 1: bringing up these feelings every time you see him and
Speaker 1: talk to him. So sadly, you're going to have to
Speaker 1: go no contact for a while until you heal yourself
Speaker 1: and start seeing somebody else. Dear doctor Wendy, I fell
Speaker 1: for this man who is bipolar. I like to not
Speaker 1: give diagnoses. A full on character identity is by Paul
Speaker 1: Howbot has a diagnosis of bipolar personality. Okay, he's been
Speaker 1: a blessing and then a burden. I love when he's supportive,
Speaker 1: kind and caring, and then I want to run for
Speaker 1: the hills when he's spiraling and manic. We were once
Speaker 1: married Woo while I was caring for my mom who
Speaker 1: was suffering from Parkinson's Woo. It was a lot and
Speaker 1: it was pulling me apart. He has refused medical help
Speaker 1: and says God will get me through my condition. I
Speaker 1: know that's positive and a good way to start, but
Speaker 1: I'm struggling. Thank you in advance for your guidance and support. Well,
Speaker 1: you don't have to, you know, I think everybody deserves love,
Speaker 1: even those who suffer from mental illness or personality disorders. However,
Speaker 1: if the symptoms of his disorder are hurting you and
Speaker 1: hurting your relationship, and by the way, you have every
Speaker 1: right to say, listen when you are spiraling, when your manic,
Speaker 1: call me when you're out of it. And I know
Speaker 1: it can be days, it can be weeks, it could
Speaker 1: be months, but you can set up a boundary that says,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be around when you're like this.
Speaker 1: I love you, but this is hurting me too much.
Speaker 1: You could try that first. And the other thing is
Speaker 1: you could insist that he become medicated, get on medication
Speaker 1: that makes him more functional, because why are you hurting yourself?
Speaker 1: That's what I want to know, why have you given
Speaker 1: yourself permission to be hurt this way? That's what I say.
Speaker 1: Start with the boundaries, Dear doctor Wendy. Why do men
Speaker 1: work for years? I love it? Why do men like
Speaker 1: all men? Every single one? Generalize? Right there, I've about
Speaker 1: why do some men or one man that I met?
Speaker 1: But let's continue. I digress. Why do men work for
Speaker 1: years to get you? But when you give them a chance,
Speaker 1: all that effort goes out the window. All right, this
Speaker 1: you can put any gender on. I want you to
Speaker 1: remember that relationships have various stages, and they should not
Speaker 1: feel like a courtship or a honeymoon for years and
Speaker 1: years and years. Of course, people of all genders are
Speaker 1: going to try a little harder at the beginning. Now,
Speaker 1: if you've noticed that this person who you are now
Speaker 1: in a committed relationship with is really doing nothing to
Speaker 1: nurture the relationship, then this is an opportunity to have
Speaker 1: a conversation about that. Right Even Julio will say to
Speaker 1: me sometimes, are we getting into a rut? Are things
Speaker 1: getting a little boring? Do we need to add some novelty?
Speaker 1: And novelty may mean just going to do something different
Speaker 1: together finding something else to do. Right, So, I think
Speaker 1: it's an opportunity for you guys to have a conversation
Speaker 1: about Hey, I noticed that things are getting a little
Speaker 1: boring for me, and it doesn't seem like we're going
Speaker 1: out like, be very specific about the things you want.
Speaker 1: This effort that he was making, what was in that effort?
Speaker 1: Was he dressing better? Was he showering more? Was he
Speaker 1: taking you out places? Give a laundry list of the
Speaker 1: stuff you're missing, and then say I'd like to do
Speaker 1: more of that and see what happens. Right, Okay, I've
Speaker 1: got more for you when we come back. If you
Speaker 1: would like to send me a DM. If you've noticed
Speaker 1: I keep your identity completely confidential. All you do is
Speaker 1: send me a DM. Instagram is the place you check
Speaker 1: the most, isn't it, Kayla? Right, So you send it
Speaker 1: to at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: Some of you go on my website and send me
Speaker 1: an email. Fine, you know, I forward it to Kayla
Speaker 1: and she gets it on our list. I'm happy to
Speaker 1: weigh in on your love life, all right when we
Speaker 1: come back. Oh, the whole problem with nice guys and
Speaker 1: bad boys. I used to have that problem. You're listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI six forty
Speaker 1: with Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
Speaker 1: this is the segment of the show where I'm answering
Speaker 1: your private messages that you send to me on social
Speaker 1: media at Doctor Wendy Walsh. It is always my honor
Speaker 1: to weigh in. This listener asked the question that so
Speaker 1: many women struggle with, which is, Dear Doctor Wendy, why
Speaker 1: am I not attracted to the nice guy and continuously
Speaker 1: allow myself to be hurt by bad boys? Well, you
Speaker 1: a preacher to the choir. I went through decades and
Speaker 1: decades of this as a young woman, and I was
Speaker 1: so frustrated. Evolutionary psychologists might say that we are naturally
Speaker 1: triggered to go for guys who are taller, more muscular,
Speaker 1: have deeper voices, have access to more resources, and those
Speaker 1: particular men tend to become bad boys. If you'll want frequent,
Speaker 1: short term relationships because they can because so many women
Speaker 1: are attracted to them. And then there are these nice
Speaker 1: guys who will do anything for you, and you're not
Speaker 1: as excited by them. For me, I have to tell
Speaker 1: you it took many, many years working with a therapist. Also,
Speaker 1: the healing relationship of my healthy attachment with my children.
Speaker 1: It caused me to realize my value, to feel that
Speaker 1: I deserved good treatment. You see, we all have this unconscious,
Speaker 1: silent attachment style, and I think I had what you
Speaker 1: would call an anxious ambivalent attachment style, meaning the bad
Speaker 1: boys if they were, you know, treating me badly or
Speaker 1: pushing away and I was chasing them, there would be
Speaker 1: that anxiety, right, I'd be anxious for them to call
Speaker 1: to get together. I'd try to please them as much
Speaker 1: as possible, and then there would be the nice guy
Speaker 1: showing up, and I'd be very ambivalent about being loved,
Speaker 1: and I would push them away. I don't know, maybe
Speaker 1: I would say, like, after twenty years of single motherhood,
Speaker 1: and I do not wish this on you. When I
Speaker 1: met a guy who's now my husband and he was
Speaker 1: actually kind and giving and loving, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I deserve this. I've worked hard for this, and I
Speaker 1: got to my state of readiness to be able to
Speaker 1: take in a nice guy, so it is an inside job.
Speaker 1: I do suggest you work with a therapist on this,
Speaker 1: because there could be a lot of things going on,
Speaker 1: and it took me a long time to get over it.
Speaker 1: And now when I see those bad boys out of
Speaker 1: the world, or the old bad boys from the past,
Speaker 1: when they come cruising by again, because they seem to
Speaker 1: keep coming around, I just laugh. I find a comical
Speaker 1: their whole game. It just doesn't doesn't turn me on anymore.
Speaker 1: All right, Moving on, Dear doctor Wendy, how long do
Speaker 1: I play hard to get? I want this guy bad,
Speaker 1: but I don't want to lose my power in the situation. Oooo. Well,
Speaker 1: the answer is, you're not supposed to be playing hard
Speaker 1: to get as a manipulation tactic. You're supposed to be
Speaker 1: taking the time you need to assess them as a
Speaker 1: possible mate. And if they are showing up, if they
Speaker 1: are being honest, if they are doing what they say
Speaker 1: they're going to do, their actions are matching their words,
Speaker 1: if they're opening up and becoming emotionally vulnerable, then he's
Speaker 1: probably ready for you to have a relationship and go
Speaker 1: to that next step. But if all you're doing is
Speaker 1: withholding sex from him to drive him crazy, that's not
Speaker 1: building a relationship. It's also not assessing who he really
Speaker 1: is because he's gonna be acting like the best made
Speaker 1: in the world because he's playing that same game. So
Speaker 1: I would say, do your full assessment, don't play hard
Speaker 1: to get just see take the time that you need
Speaker 1: to analyze the relationship. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, my
Speaker 1: date has been going above and beyond. Well, that's good.
Speaker 1: He gives me calls, calls daily, dates me weekly, But
Speaker 1: he won't move forward. We've been doing this dance for
Speaker 1: three months. I speculate that he still loves the mother
Speaker 1: of his children, Da Da Da Da. He denies it
Speaker 1: when I ask him about it. Is there another way
Speaker 1: to find out? Well, first of all, you're focusing on
Speaker 1: the wrong thing instead of saying, like, dude, are you
Speaker 1: really into her and not me? You sure look insecure.
Speaker 1: You do not look like you have won this game.
Speaker 1: I would say, be very clear about what your needs are.
Speaker 1: What are your needs? Say move forward? How How is
Speaker 1: he going to move forward? Having dinner in sex once
Speaker 1: a week is not a relationship, by the way, even
Speaker 1: if there is a text and phone call every day,
Speaker 1: It's all about the intimacy. What are you talking about?
Speaker 1: Is he opening up? Are you opening up? Are you
Speaker 1: leading the way with vulnerability and your feelings? The quality
Speaker 1: is much more important than the frequency. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about the frequency of contact, even if it's an everyday
Speaker 1: text or call. If you guys aren't really deepening things
Speaker 1: and getting closer, I wouldn't focus on the X. I
Speaker 1: would focus on what's going on with the two of you.
Speaker 1: Oh here's a good one. Ooh, ooh ooh. Dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: my wife no longer turns me on sexually. Oh I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: it's her job to turn you on. Okay, so I digress.
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, my wife no longer turns me on sexually.
Speaker 1: It's been years since I have been sexually attracted to her.
Speaker 1: Is this normal? Will my sexual attraction ever come back? Okay?
Speaker 1: I am quoting friends of mine who are working as
Speaker 1: sex therapists. Sex isn't something that spontaneously happens. It's not like, oh,
Speaker 1: this person turns me on, because all they're doing is
Speaker 1: standing there and that's all they need to do. Sex
Speaker 1: is an inside job and it takes place in your head.
Speaker 1: I would highly suggest that the two of you go
Speaker 1: see a license sex therapist so you can learn better
Speaker 1: sexual communication. You can learn better sex things different, a
Speaker 1: more wider variety. Sometimes just taking it to a different room,
Speaker 1: like a hotel room with a candle can change things.
Speaker 1: But you've got to do the work. Sexual attraction comes
Speaker 1: from inside your own head. It doesn't come from outside you.
Speaker 1: Everybody of all genders listen to me on this. It's
Speaker 1: our own fantasy in our head, and we need to
Speaker 1: work that muscle. It's not some spontaneous thing that just happens,
Speaker 1: So please please, You and your wife could do so
Speaker 1: much better just going to see a license sex therapist
Speaker 1: and learning how to play the game. I have time
Speaker 1: for one more real quick because I think this comes
Speaker 1: up a lot. Dear doctor Wendy, what does I need
Speaker 1: my space really mean? It means they're trying to break
Speaker 1: up with you. I'm sorry, that's what it means. Nobody
Speaker 1: who wants to move forward and grow closer says I
Speaker 1: need my space, right So they'd like to keep you
Speaker 1: around for sex and dinner once in a while, but no, no, no.
Speaker 1: Just if someone says I need my space, say enjoy
Speaker 1: it and then move along. That's all you need to do,
Speaker 1: all right? When we come back, where are we going
Speaker 1: after this? Producer Kayla, Oh, this is a good one
Speaker 1: because a lot of people. Earlier I talked about happiness,
Speaker 1: but now I want to talk about taking the high road,
Speaker 1: being an optimist, being classy, not and sometimes the high
Speaker 1: road is being just gently a little bit best aggressive
Speaker 1: but not really, not really. I'll explain because I am
Speaker 1: that I always take the high road, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to tell you how to do it where you're not
Speaker 1: sacrificing your true feelings. When we come back, you are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and k
Speaker 1: I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: You know what life is. Life is interacting with all
Speaker 1: kinds of different people, people with different life experiences, people
Speaker 1: with different levels of education, people with different preconceived notions
Speaker 1: about who you are, some prejudices, some attitudes. Remember, we
Speaker 1: are a tribe and we are many one brained species.
Speaker 1: In other words, we're cooperative thinkers. So we do have
Speaker 1: to engage with each other, whether it's in families, whether
Speaker 1: it's in workplaces, whether it's in friend groups. And every
Speaker 1: once in a while there's going to be somebody who
Speaker 1: gets under your skin, who drives you crazy, and it
Speaker 1: can be really tempting to take the bait and go
Speaker 1: down into the swamp with them. It's happened to me,
Speaker 1: And I'm pretty emotionally mature. I like to think of
Speaker 1: myself as emotionally mature, but it's happened to me. Taking
Speaker 1: the high road is very, very difficult because on some level,
Speaker 1: you want to prove that you're right. Kayla. Have you
Speaker 1: ever had a situation where someone totally triggered you and
Speaker 1: you ended up saying or doing things that you didn't
Speaker 1: mean to?
Speaker 3: Uh? Yeah, And you really hurt yourself more when you
Speaker 3: do that and you regret it. And that's something that
Speaker 3: I'm actively working toward, because I will take the low
Speaker 3: road in a New York minute, Yeah, and I gotta
Speaker 3: work on that because I don't feel good afterwards. I
Speaker 3: feel good in the moment, but then afterwards it's like, that.
Speaker 1: Wasn't me right. You know, there's this a saying and
Speaker 1: I hear it on social media a lot about how
Speaker 1: somebody triggered me, they triggered me, or whenever that X
Speaker 1: calls he triggers me. Well, first of all, I think
Speaker 1: the most important thing to remember when you're learning to
Speaker 1: take the high road emotionally is to understand that nobody
Speaker 1: is triggering you deliberately. They don't hold the trigger. You do.
Speaker 1: You are the one. It's your job to not be triggered.
Speaker 1: It's not their job to not trigger you. They don't
Speaker 1: know what they're doing. They're bumbling around the dark and
Speaker 1: human relationships and they don't know. And so I remember
Speaker 1: reading that book the Four Agreements way back when, and
Speaker 1: I think agreement number one was take nothing personally. It's
Speaker 1: always about them, always right. And you know, when I
Speaker 1: learned in therapy school, I had a supervisor who used
Speaker 1: to say that I should often like one intervention that
Speaker 1: therapists could ask patients is who taught you that, because
Speaker 1: it immediately takes it out of a dynamic between you
Speaker 1: and the person who's insulting you, and instead goes to
Speaker 1: a third person who could be to blame. So the
Speaker 1: two of you could almost collude because let's say somebody
Speaker 1: said something insulting to me. Okay, it's happened, and it
Speaker 1: was at a dinner table, and it was front of people. Okay,
Speaker 1: I said something that is used in common is a word, okay,
Speaker 1: and it's used in common language, but I can't say
Speaker 1: it on the radio. Well it is mohab Nope, what
Speaker 1: it's a sexual act that women perform on men.
Speaker 3: I can say that on the radio, excel and go
Speaker 3: to work.
Speaker 1: Oh, there you go. That's the way you're saying. So
Speaker 1: I was telling a story and I happened to insert
Speaker 1: that word or two words, if you want to call
Speaker 1: it that way, and this woman interrupted me and said,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, you can't say that at this dinner table.
Speaker 1: That sounds crass. And I said, what would you rather say? Fillatio? See,
Speaker 1: I can say that on the radio. That was medically
Speaker 1: terms a term, right and yeah, And then they just
Speaker 1: kind of laughed. But all I thought in my head
Speaker 1: is this poor woman probably had a critical mother who
Speaker 1: really slammed her at the table, and of course I
Speaker 1: didn't want to get into therapy in front of all
Speaker 1: the other people, and so I didn't say, who taught
Speaker 1: you to admonish people at the dinner table? Was that
Speaker 1: your mom? I didn't go there. Okay, As another friend
Speaker 1: said to me the other day, why is that word
Speaker 1: a problem? It's a job? Why devalue women's work? Anyway?
Speaker 1: I let it go. I took the high road. But
Speaker 1: what did I use to take the high road? Compassion?
Speaker 1: Compassion is the best way to take the high road.
Speaker 1: When somebody quote unquote triggers you or says something that
Speaker 1: offends you or hurts you in some way, you always
Speaker 1: need to ask yourself who taught them that? Or why
Speaker 1: are they afraid of me? Why are they intimidated by me?
Speaker 1: Because it's always ultimately about them. It's also really important
Speaker 1: that you do the work of getting rid of your
Speaker 1: tender spots. And that's one of the reasons I'm always
Speaker 1: preaching people need to go see a licensed therapist, because
Speaker 1: when we walk around with all these vulnerable tender spots,
Speaker 1: and anybody with any slight, whether it's you know, road rage,
Speaker 1: they cut you off on the freeway or they you
Speaker 1: know breast past you at the line of Trader Joe's
Speaker 1: whatever if they If somebody feels like they're insulting you
Speaker 1: when they're just busily going about their day, you have
Speaker 1: too many tender spots and healing needs to take place.
Speaker 1: You need to recognize they're not doing anything deliberate to you. Right,
Speaker 1: you can become more resilient in the face of triggers.
Speaker 1: My favorite metaphor for triggers is let's say you're driving
Speaker 1: along and you see the person in front of you
Speaker 1: take a lit cigarette and throw it out the window
Speaker 1: of their moving car. Well, what happens. It depends on
Speaker 1: where it lands. If it lands on a field of
Speaker 1: dry grass, you're going to be in trouble. Right, If
Speaker 1: it lands in a puddle, you're not going to have
Speaker 1: a problem. And so when people lob their little insults
Speaker 1: at you, are you a field of dry grass or
Speaker 1: are you a soothing serene a puddle, We'll just put
Speaker 1: it out right, let it go. Okay. So, if you've
Speaker 1: got family members who are making judgmental comments, you've got
Speaker 1: co workers who seem a little rude, I want you
Speaker 1: to be concerned about their welfare. I want you to
Speaker 1: stop and think, why are they threatened by me?
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: Because you're the one who has the power at that moment.
Speaker 1: Don't forget it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1: To the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I hope you've
Speaker 1: downloaded that iHeartRadio app by now, because what you can
Speaker 1: do you don't have to listen to me Sunday nights
Speaker 1: from seven to nine. Anytime you're driving in the car,
Speaker 1: you got your head set in, you're out for a walk,
Speaker 1: you just go on the iHeartRadio app and you search
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walsh and all the shows you missed are
Speaker 1: right there. So you see, you can do that anyway.
Speaker 1: I have been studying, researching, reading about writing about the
Speaker 1: science of love for about three decades now, partly to
Speaker 1: solve my own love life problems. Now that's done, I'm married.
Speaker 1: It all worked. I took my own advice that the
Speaker 1: other day I was trying to explain my quote unquote
Speaker 1: brand to somebody and he immediately said, well, I had
Speaker 1: two daughters. They're in their early thirties. They're having such
Speaker 1: a hard time meeting guys. And I thought to myself, Oh,
Speaker 1: they don't know about the high supply sexual economy that
Speaker 1: we're in. So, in case you haven't heard me say
Speaker 1: this before, because I haven't talked about it in a while,
Speaker 1: it's all in my book, The Thirty Day Love Detoks.
Speaker 1: I want to break it down a little bit. So
Speaker 1: let's go back to when patriarchy reigned. Men held the
Speaker 1: resources women in order to survive. During patriarchy basically had
Speaker 1: two choices. The thing that was most profitable to them
Speaker 1: was their vagina. So they could either withhold sex and
Speaker 1: get a guy to sign on the dotted line in
Speaker 1: a contract called marriage, or they could rent it by
Speaker 1: the hour and become a prostitute. It's really interesting now
Speaker 1: that we're in a high supply sexual economy, there are
Speaker 1: fewer and fewer prostitutes. There's just not a market for
Speaker 1: it because guys can just go on tender and just
Speaker 1: swipe away. I believe that they are.
Speaker 3: There are a lower number, but I saw my first
Speaker 3: batch of prostitutes when I was driving home from a
Speaker 3: workout one day and they I thought maybe there was
Speaker 3: an app these days, But they just stand on the
Speaker 3: corner there.
Speaker 1: It's like the old days. Like the old days.
Speaker 3: I saw plenty of naked breasts and they were just
Speaker 3: kind of waiting for a car to pull over, and
Speaker 3: I was like, Wow, this is still happening.
Speaker 1: And still happening just like that. Yeah, because guys like
Speaker 1: the whole no strings attached things. Yeah, yeah, they're anonymity.
Speaker 1: They're interesting dudes anyway. So now we have reached a
Speaker 1: time in our history where we are past uh, the farming,
Speaker 1: which people say far the time of farming. Agriculture time
Speaker 1: was the biggest downfall for women. Back when we were
Speaker 1: hunters and gatherers, women actually roved in very protective packs
Speaker 1: of lots of other women, and they had lots of
Speaker 1: women to help assess guys. Guys had to work very
Speaker 1: hard to get a woman to copulate with them, et cetera.
Speaker 1: And then when we became farmers, women were separated from
Speaker 1: their female tribe except if it was like a knitting
Speaker 1: circle or a quilting bee, and they were on one
Speaker 1: plot of land with one dude and a few tools,
Speaker 1: and they were quarantined in some ways. That gave way
Speaker 1: to the barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen model. Right
Speaker 1: then we got the Industrial Revolution, where again women were
Speaker 1: excluded except from the lower work, working in laundry houses
Speaker 1: or whatever. A prostitution. I think the height of prostitution
Speaker 1: in Europe was in Victorian England. At that time there
Speaker 1: were an estimated one prostitute for every twelve men in
Speaker 1: the population. I mean that it was a full time
Speaker 1: job for a lot of women, right, because you are
Speaker 1: either going to go in the convent, you were going
Speaker 1: to get married, and who knows what happened in that
Speaker 1: could happen in that marriage, he had full control to
Speaker 1: beat the heck out of you if it, or work
Speaker 1: as a prostitute. So some people say the feminists, the
Speaker 1: free women, were the prostitutes. Right, those were the choices.
Speaker 1: Right fast forward we enter the information age. Now, in
Speaker 1: the information age, women are far more suited to extract
Speaker 1: resources from the environment. We are better typers and texters
Speaker 1: and talkers, and we're more socially sensitive. So as a result,
Speaker 1: in the last few decades, women have been surging ahead,
Speaker 1: not only in education but also economically. For every two
Speaker 1: men that graduate college, there are three women. We passed
Speaker 1: a milestone a few years ago where women actually make
Speaker 1: up the majority of the workforce. I think we're at
Speaker 1: about twenty five percent stay at home dads now. I
Speaker 1: mean like the gender roles are changing now. Having said that,
Speaker 1: women still have inside their crazy little patriarchy heads leftover
Speaker 1: remnants of what was before, so they think sometimes in
Speaker 1: traditional gender roles. And there's actually been research to show
Speaker 1: that the more education a woman has, the more money
Speaker 1: she makes, the more she wants a dude to have
Speaker 1: even more. She's going to be attracted to that prince
Speaker 1: in the castle who has a bigger paycheck and more
Speaker 1: education and a little bit older.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: There was a sociologist in Scotland, Fiona Something, and her
Speaker 1: study is called the George Clooney effect, right, that they
Speaker 1: don't want this big star of a guy. So what
Speaker 1: ends up happening in the mating marketplace is you get
Speaker 1: a group of guys, the you know, the alpha males
Speaker 1: if you will, at the top, who are not about
Speaker 1: to settle down anytime soon. They don't have a fertility window.
Speaker 1: You guys right, So they're enjoying riding the wave of
Speaker 1: all the free sects that's available. Because when women rise
Speaker 1: in economic power, they put sex out into the economy
Speaker 1: in a high supply. They no longer need to withhold
Speaker 1: sex or stop enjoying their body in order to get
Speaker 1: a guy to marry them, or rented by the hour
Speaker 1: or what have you. So instead they just enjoy the
Speaker 1: pleasures of their body and they put it out there. Well,
Speaker 1: once it's out there, the guys at the top who
Speaker 1: can get a lot of it are happy to just
Speaker 1: take it and not settle down. And meanwhile, you've got
Speaker 1: their peer women of around the same age, in their
Speaker 1: early to mid thirties with all their education, thinking that
Speaker 1: those are the dudes who should marry them. Meanwhile, you
Speaker 1: got the in cells at one end who can't find
Speaker 1: a date because they don't have a job and they're
Speaker 1: living in their mom's basement. And then you have a
Speaker 1: lot of hard working, good guys who would be wonderful
Speaker 1: partners for a woman. They might not make as much
Speaker 1: money as her, they might have learned that the old
Speaker 1: fashioned gender roles were all so unfair to men, and
Speaker 1: they're happy to do some laundry and help out in childcare.
Speaker 1: I've been saying to women for a long time that
Speaker 1: your idea of a power guy might just be a
Speaker 1: guy who can power a stroller. We need to get
Speaker 1: patriarchy out of our heads. We need to recognize that biologically,
Speaker 1: not a lot has changed. I know women are using technology,
Speaker 1: freezing their eggs, all that stuff, right, but we need
Speaker 1: to stop and say what do I value? What kind
Speaker 1: of relationship does my heart need? Not what we need
Speaker 1: on paper, etc. When I talk about the science of love,
Speaker 1: I talk about the biological realities our own attachment style,
Speaker 1: are fertility windows or not? I talk about the sociological piece.
Speaker 1: You know, what our society says is right for us?
Speaker 1: Who looks good on paper in a dating app and
Speaker 1: psychologe what love is and what it feels like. It
Speaker 1: is complicated, and it is so fascinating to me. I
Speaker 1: will continue to talk about the science of love as
Speaker 1: long as I'm on this planet, because nothing interests me more.
Speaker 1: Is there any little bit of advice I could tell
Speaker 1: you women who are in your early to mid thirties
Speaker 1: and are chasing after all those alpha guys who aren't
Speaker 1: ready to make a commitment. Look to your right and left.
Speaker 1: There are lots of peer men. They're at your workplaces,
Speaker 1: they're everywhere. They may not make as much money, but
Speaker 1: they are really really good guys, and they're going to
Speaker 1: enhance your life in a big way. And that that
Speaker 1: little soapbox I got up on brings the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Wall Show to a close. I am here every Sunday
Speaker 1: from seven to nine pm for you. It is always
Speaker 1: my pleasure to weigh in on your love lives. You've
Speaker 1: been listening The Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
Speaker 1: to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live
Speaker 1: on KFI A M six forty from seven to nine
Speaker 1: p m on Sunday and any time on demand on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.