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Speaker 1: The Unburglars by Ellis Parker Butler. Although Detective Gubb's experience

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with the Oubliette elevator did not lead to the detection

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of the dynamiters, for whom a reward of five thousand

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dollars was offered, it resulted in the payment to him

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of one half of three fines of five hundred dollars

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for each of the three stores of whiskey he had unearthed.

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With this money amounting to seven hundred and fifty dollars,

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mister Gubb went to the home of Jonas Medderbrook and

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paid that gentleman the entire amount that their payment, mister

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Gubb said, deducted from what I owe on to them

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shares of perfectly worthless gold mine stock. The name of

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the mine, if you please, is utterly hopeless and not

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perfectly worthless, said mister Meadowbrook. Severely. Just so, said mister

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Gubb apologetically. You must excuse me, mister Meaderbrook. I ain't

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no expert onto gold mines names, and off hand them

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two names seem about the same to me. But my

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remark was to be that the indebtedness of the liability

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I now owe you is only thirteen thousand, seven hundred

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and fifty dollars. And the sooner you get it paid up,

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the better it will suit me, said mister Meadowbrook. Yes, sir,

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said mister Gubb, and hesitated. Then, assuming an air of

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little concern, he asked, it ain't likely to suppose we've

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had any word from miss Cyrilla, is it, mister Meadowbrook.

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For answer, mister Meadowbrook went to his desk and brought

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mister Gubb a telegram. It was from Cyrilla. It said,

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eating no potatoes, drinking no water, have lost eight pounds

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kind love to mister Gubb. She's wore herself down to

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nine hundred and ninety two pounds. According to that, said

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mister Gubb, she has only got to wear off two

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hundred and ninety two pounds more before mister Dorkan will

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discharge her away from the side show. And at the

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rate she's wearing herself away, said mister Meadobrook, that will

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be in about ten years. What interests me more is

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that the telegram came collect and cost me forty cents.

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If you want to do the square thing, mister Gubb,

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you'll pay me twenty cents for your share of that telegram.

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Mister Gubb immediately gave mister Meadowbrook twenty cents, and mister

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Meadobrook kindly allowed him to keep the telegram. Mister Gubb

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placed it in the pocket nearest his heart and proceeded

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to a house on Tenth Street, where he had a

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job of paper hanging. At about this same time, Smith Whittaker,

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the Riverbank Marshal or chief of police as he would

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have been called in a larger city, knocked the ashes

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from his pipe against the edge of his much whittled

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desk in the dingy Marshall's room on the ground floor

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of the City Hall, and grinned at mister Griscom, one

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of Riverbank's citizens. Well, I don't know, he said, with

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a grin. I don't know, but what I'd be glad

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to be unburgled like that. I guess it was just

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somebody playing a joke on you. If it was, said

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mister Griscomb, I am ready to do a little joking myself.

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I'm just enough of a joker to want to see

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whoever it was in jail. My house is my house,

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it is my castle, as the saying is, and I

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don't want strangers wandering in and out of it, whether

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they come to take away my property or leave property

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that is not mine? Is there or is there not

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a law against such things as happened at my house.

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Oh there's a law, right, said Marshall Whittaker. It's burglary.

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Whether the burglar breaks into your house or breaks out

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of it. How do you know he broke out? Well,

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my wife and I went to the Riverbank theater last night,

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said mister Griscom. And when I got home and went

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to put the key in the keyhole, there was another

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key in it. Here are the two keys. Marshal Whittaker

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took the two keys and examined them. One was an

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old door key, much worn, and the other a new key.

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Evidently the work of an amateur key maker, all right,

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said Marshal Whittaker. When he had examined the keys. This

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new one was made out of an old spoon. Go ahead,

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We never had a key like that in the house,

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said mister Griscomb. But when we reached home last night,

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this nickel silver key was sticking in the lock of

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the front door on the outside, and the door was

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unlocked and standing ajar, just as if some one had

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gone in at the front door and left it unlocked,

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said mister Whittaker. Exactly, said mister Griscomb. So the first

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thing we thought was Burglar's. And the first place my

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wife looked was the sideboard in the dining room. And there, yes,

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said mister Whittaker. There on the sideboard were a dozen

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solid silver spoons you had never seen before, and marked

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with my wife's initials. Understand, said mister Griscom. And the

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cellar window, the one on the east side of the house,

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had been broken out of. Why not broken into, asked

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the Marshal. Well, I'm not quite a fool, said mister Griscom,

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with some heat. I know because of the marks his

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jimmy made on the sill. Some one has been playing

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a joke on you, said mister Whittaker. You wait and

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you'll see you won't be offended if I ask you

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a question. My wife knows no more about it than

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I do, said mister Griscom hotly. Now, Now, said mister Whittaker, soothingly.

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I didn't mean that. What are your own spoons solid

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or plaited, plated, said mister Griscom. Well, said mister Whittaker,

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there's where to look for the joke. Try to think,

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who would consider it a joke to send you solid

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silver spoons? Billy gets exclaimed mister Griscom, mentioning theer. That's

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the man I had in mind, said mister Whittaker. Now

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I guess you can handle this alone, mister Griscom. I

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guess I can, agreed mister Griscomb, and he went out.

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The Marshal chuckled, unburgled. He said to himself, that's a

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new one, for sure. That's the sort of burglary to

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set Filo gubb the undetective on. He was still grinning

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as he went out, but he tried to hide the grin.

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When he met Billy Getz on the main street. Billy

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uttered a hasty can't stop now, Whittaker, but the head

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of the Riverbank Police grasped his arm. What's your rush.

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I've got some fun for you, said Whittaker, some other time,

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said Billy. I just borrowed this from Doc Mortimer and

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promised to take it back quick. What is it, asked

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the Marshal, gazing at the curious affair Billy had in

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his hands. It looked very much like a coffee pot

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and on the lid was a wheel like a small

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tin wind mill. Just below the lid, and above the

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spout was a hole as large as a dime lung tester,

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said Billy, trying to pull away. Let me go, will you, Whittaker,

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I'm in a hurry. Just borrowed it to settle a

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bet with Sam Simmons. I show two pounds more lung

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pressure than he does twenty six pounds, you, scoffed Whittaker.

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I bet I can show twenty eight if you can

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show twenty six. Oh well, I suppose I can't get

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away until Baby tries the new toy. But hurry it up,

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will you. The Marshal put his lips to the spout

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and blew instantly from the hole under the lid. A

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great cloud of flowers shot out, covering his face and

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head and deluging his garments. From up and down the

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street came shouts of joy, and the Marshal, brushing at

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his face, grinned one on me, Billy, he said, good naturedly,

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patting the flour out of his hair. And just when

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I was coming to put you onto some fun too,

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what do you know about the griscom unburglary? Not a thing,

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Billy said. Tell me, I didn't expect you would know

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anything about it, said the Marshal with a wink. But

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how about putting Correspondent School Detective Gub onto the job, fine,

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said Billy. Tell me what the unburgled Griscom thing is

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and I'll do the rest. Billy found Filo Gubb at

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work in the house on Tenth Street, hanging paper on

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the second floor, and the lank detective looked at Billy

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solemnly as the story of the Griscom affair was explained

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to him. When I started in taking lessons from the

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Rising Sun Detecative Agency's Correspondent School of Detecting, said mister

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Gubb solemnly. I aimed to do a strictly retail business

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in detecting and let the wholesale alone. Seeing that you

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learned by mail, said Billy Getz, I should think you'd

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be better fitted to do a mail order business them

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terms of retail and wholesale is my own, said mister Gubb.

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You don't believe anybody would unburgle a house, I guess,

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said Billy, Yes, I do, Filo Gubb said, a fellow

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can tie a knot, or he can untie it can't

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he he can hitch a horse, or he can unhitch it.

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And if a man can burgle, he can unburgle. A

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mercenary burglar would naturally burgle things out of a house

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after he had burgled himself in. But a generous hearted

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burglar would just as naturally unburgle things into a house

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and then unburgle himself out. That stands to reason. Of

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course it does, said Billy Getz. And I knew you

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would see it that way. I see things reasonable, said

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Filo Gub. But I guess I won't take up the case.

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Unburglar ain't no common crime. It ain't mentioned in the

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twelve lessons I got from the Rising Sun Correspondence School.

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I wouldn't hardly know how to go about catching an unburglar.

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Just do the opposite from what it says to do

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to catch a burglar, said Billy gets Common sense would

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tell you that, wouldn't it. But listen, mister Gubb, I'd

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let Whitaker catch his own burglars. The reason I ask

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you to take this case is because I know you

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have a good heart. It's good, but it's hard, said

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Filo Gubb. A detecative has to have a hard heart.

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All right, here is this man unburgling houses. For all

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we know, he is honest and upright, said Billy gets.

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He continues unburgling houses. The habit grows. Each house he

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unburgles tempts him to unburgle too. Each set of spoons

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he leaves in a house tempts him to leave two

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sets in the next house, or four sets, or a

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solid silver punch bowl. In a short time, he wipes

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out his little fortune. He borrows, he begs at last,

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he steals in order to unburgle. One house he burgles another.

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He leads a jewel life, a sort of Jeckyll hide life.

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But what if I caught him, said mister Gubb. Oh

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you won't catch I mean we will leave that to you.

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Frighten him out of the unburgling habit. I'll tell Marshall Whittaker,

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you will get on the trail, Yes, said Filo Gub.

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I feel sorry for the feller. Maybe he's letting his

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wife and children suffer for food whilst he unburgles away

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his substance. Then, said Billy Gadz, taking up his lung. Tester.

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Suppose you stop in at the Marshal's office tonight at

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eight thirty, Whittaker will tell you all about it. Filo

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Gubb waited until Billy was well out of the house,

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and then he said he'd done it. And I know

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he'd done it, and he'd done it to make a

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fool out of me. But I guess I owe Billy

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gets a scare, and if I can prove that unburglary

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onto him, he'll get the scare, all right, Detective Gub,

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when it was time to go to the Marshal's office,

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pinned his law nickel plated star on his vest, put

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three false beards in his pocket, and went. The Marshal

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received him cordially. Billy Getz was there. You understand, said Whittaker.

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I have nothing to do with putting you on this case,

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but I want to ask you to report to me

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every evening. I could write out a docket, said Filo Gub.

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That's what them French detecatives did. Always, good idea, said Whittaker.

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Write out a docket and bring it in every night. Now,

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I'll go over this Griscom case so you'll understand how

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to go at it. Here, for instance, is the house,

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the clock on the Marshal's desk, marked ten. Before they

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were aware, Billy had arisen from his chair for he

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had a poker game waiting for him at the Kidder's Club.

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When the telephone bell rang, the Marshal drew the phone

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toward him. Yes, he said into the telephone. Yes, this

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is Marshall Whittaker. Mister Millbrook, Yes, I know seven sixty

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five Locust Avenue broken into what oh? Broken out of

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while you were out at dinner? Yes, opened the front

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door with a key. Yes, what kind of key, mister Millbrook?

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Thin nickel silver key? Nothing taken? What's that left? A

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dozen solid silver spoons engraved with your wife's initials, I see,

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and broke out through a cellar window. Yes, I understand. No,

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it doesn't seem possible, but such things have happened. I'll send.

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He looked around, but Filo Gubb, who had heard the

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name and address, was already gone. I'll attend to it

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at once, he concluded, and hung up the receiver. He

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turned to Billy Getz. Billy, he said, severely, is this

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another of your jokes? Whittaker said, Billy, I'd give you

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my word, I had nothing to do with this. Well,

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i'll believe you, said, Whittaker rather reluctantly. I thought it

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was you. Who do you suppose is trying to take

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the honor of town cut up from you? I can't imagine,

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said Billy. Are you going to leave the thing in

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Gubb's hands? That mail order? Detective? Not much, it's getting serious.

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I'll send Purcell up to look the ground over. A

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man can't make nickel silver keys and break out of

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houses and leave engraved spoons and forks around without leaving

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plenty of traces. We'll have the man tomorrow and give

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him a good scare. Detective Gubb in the meanwhile, had

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gone directly to mister Milbrook's unburgled house at seven sixty

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five Locust Avenue. Mister Milbrook, a short, stout man with

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a husky voice that gurgled when he was excited, opened

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the door. I'm Detecative Gubb of the Rising Sun Detecative

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Agency's Correspondence School of det Ticketing. Come to see about

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your unburglary, said Philo Gubb, opening his coat to show

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his badge. This is a most peculiar case. I've never

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heard anything like it in my life, gurgled mister Milbrook.

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Didn't take a thing left a dozen spoons came in

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at the front door and broke out through the cellar window.

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How long have you been married, asked mister Gubb, seating

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himself on the edge of a chair and drawing out

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a note book and pencil. Married. Married? What's that got

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to do with it? Asked mister Milbrook. Twenty years next June.

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If you want to know, that makes it a difficult case,

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said Philo Gubb. If you was a bride and a groom,

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it would be easier. But I guess maybe you can

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tell me the names of some of the folks you've

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had to dinner dinner, gurgled mister Milbrook. Dinner when since

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you were married, said mister Gubb. My dear man, exclaimed,

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mister Milbrook, We've had thousands to dinner, dining out and

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giving dinners as our favorite amusement. I can't see what

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you mean. I can't understand you. Well, you got plated

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spoons and forks, ain't you, asked Filo Gubb. What if

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we have? Gurgled mister Milbrook. That's our affair, ain't it.

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It's my affair too, said Detective Gubb. Mister Griskom's house

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was unburgled last night, and he had plated spoons. The

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unburglar left solid ones on him like he did on you. Now,

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I reason inducatively, like Sherlock Holmes. You both got plated spoons,

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and unburglar leaves you solid ones. So he must have

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known you had plated ones and needed solid ones. So

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it must be someone who has had dinner with you,

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My dear man, gurgled mister Milbrook. We never have had

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a plated spoon in this house. Who sent you here? Anyway? Nobody,

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said Philo Gub. I come of myself, Well you can

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go of yourself, gurgled mister Milbrook angrily. There's the door.

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Get out. On his way out, mister Gubb met Patrolman

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Purcell coming in. Detective Gub outside the house examined the

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cellar window as well as he could. There was not

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a mark to be seen from the outside, but a

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pansy bed bore the marks of the unburglar's exit. To

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get out of the cellar, the unburglar had to wiggle

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himself out of the small window and had crushed the

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pansy's flat. Detective Gub felt carefully among the crushed pansies,

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and his hand found something hard and round. It was

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the drumstick bone of a chicken's leg. Detective Gub threw

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it away. Even an unburglar would not have chosen a

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chicken's leg bone as a weapon. Evidently Billy Gatz had

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not left any clue in the pansy bed. Philo Gub

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had no doubt that Billy was putting up a joke

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on him. The detective decided that his best method would

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be to shadow Billy Gattz from sundown each day until

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he caught him unburgling another house or found something to

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connect him with the unburglaries. So he went home. It

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was eleven when he began to undress. It was then

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he first realized that the knees of his light trousers

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were damp from kneeling in the pansy bed, and he

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looked at them ruefully. The knees were stained like Joseph's

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coat of many colors, and they were his best trousers.

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He hung them carefully over the back of his chair

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and went to bed. The next morning, he rolled the

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trousers into a bundle and took them with him on

295
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his way to his paper hanging job on Main Street.

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He stopped at Frank the tailer's pants cleaned and pressed

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thirty five cents. He unrolled the trousers and laid them

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across the counter. Can you remove those stains, he asked? Ah,

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should I cood, said Frank, I make me no troubles

300
00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:07,079
by DoD. Mister Kupe shoot this morning. Already I did it?

301
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Their same ding? You fall over der Vire too, Yes,

302
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certainly I expect it was the same wire into a

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flower bed chess, said Frank, like mister Dervescott, Yes, cooting

304
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across their corner. Yes, didn't see der vir that's so,

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00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:31,680
said Detective Gub. You don't mean old mister Westcoat to you. Sure, yes,

306
00:19:32,079 --> 00:19:35,359
said Frank. He falls by der flower bed and un

307
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stands his knees. Already shoot like that that I have

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met these pants ready by you, dese evenings. You vontempressed

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to press them and clean them and make them nice,

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said Filo Gub, and went out Old John Westcoat and

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pansy stains on his trouser knees. Was it? The thing

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seemed impossible, but so did Unburglary that matter. Old John

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Westcote was one of the richest men in Riverbank. He

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was a retired merchant, and as mean as sin. He

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was the last man in Riverbank. Any one would suspect

316
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of leaving spoons and forks in other people's houses. But

317
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how did it come that he had pansy stains on

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the knees of his trousers. Philo Gubb thought of old

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John Westcote all day, and toward night he hit on

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a solution wedding presents. From what he had heard, Old

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John was or had been, the sort of man to

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accept a wedding invitation, go to the reception and eat

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his fill, and never send the bride so much as

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a black wire hairpin. And now grown old, his conscience

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might be hurting him. He might be in that semi

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senile state when restitution becomes a craze, and the ungiven

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wedding presence might press upon his conscience. It was not

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at all unlikely that he had chosen the unburglary method

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of giving the presents at this late date. The form

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of the unburgled goods forks and spoons, and the initials

331
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engraved upon them made this more likely. That night, Detective

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Gub did not report in person or by docket to

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Marshall Whittaker at seven o'clock. He was hiding in the

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hazel brush opposite Old John Westcote's lonely house on Poddock's Lane.

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At seven fifteen, the old man tottered from his gate

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and tottered down the lane toward the more thickly settled

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part of town. Under his arm, he carried a small bundle,

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a bundle wrapped in newspaper. Detective Gub waited until the

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old man was well in advance, and then slipped from

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the hazel brush and followed him, observing all the rules

341
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foreshadowing and trailing as taught by the Rising Sun Detective

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Agencies Correspondent School of Detecting. For three hours, the old

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man wandered the streets. Now he walked along Main Street,

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peering anxiously into the faces of the pedestrians with purblind eyes,

345
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and now walking the residence streets. Detective Gub kept close behind.

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As ten o'clock struck from the clock in the high

347
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School tower, Old John Westcote quickened his steps a little

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and walked toward the opposite end of the town, where

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the lumber yards are. Down the hill into the lumber district.

350
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He walked and Detective Gub dodged from tree to tree.

351
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Half way down the hill. The old man hesitated. He

352
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,079
glanced around. At his side was a mass of lilac bushes,

353
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seemingly strangely out of place among the huge piles of lumber.

354
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Without stopping, the old man with the bundle slide from

355
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under his arm and fall on the walk. For a moment,

356
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it lay like a white spot on the walk, and

357
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,079
then it moved rapidly out of sight into the bushes.

358
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Bundles do not move thus unless assisted, but Philo Gub

359
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,440
was too far away to see the hand he knew

360
00:22:51,519 --> 00:22:55,160
must have reached out for the bundle. He ran rapidly,

361
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keeping in the sawdust that formed the unfitful soil of

362
00:22:58,599 --> 00:23:01,599
the lumber yard until he he dared come no nearer,

363
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,039
and then he climbed to the top of the tallest

364
00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:07,599
lumber pile and lay flat. He commanded every side of

365
00:23:07,599 --> 00:23:10,480
the hillside lumberyard, and he did not have long to wait.

366
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From the lower side of the yard, he saw a

367
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black figure emerge cross the street and disappear over the

368
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:21,039
bank into the railway switch yard below. Mister Gubb scrambled

369
00:23:21,079 --> 00:23:24,720
down and followed. At the bank above the switch yard,

370
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He paused, keeping in his shadow, and looked here and there.

371
00:23:29,279 --> 00:23:31,920
Flat cars and box cars stood on the tracks in

372
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great numbers, most of them closed and sealed, some partly opened.

373
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He heard a car door grate as it was closed.

374
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He slipped down the bank and crept on his hands

375
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and knees. He was half way down the line of

376
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,200
cars when he heard a voice. It came from car

377
00:23:47,279 --> 00:23:51,400
seventy eight eighty seven C B and Q. Run all

378
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,680
the breath out of me, said the voice in a wheeze.

379
00:23:55,440 --> 00:24:00,359
Well did you get it, whispered another voice. Sure, I

380
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,599
got it. Got something anyway, Strike a match bill, and

381
00:24:03,799 --> 00:24:05,839
let's see if he put up a job on us.

382
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,640
If he did, we'll blow him up tomorrow night. Hey,

383
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,359
that's right, we got a can of powder left under

384
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,839
the pile by the laylacks. How much is it? We

385
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,440
told him one thousand, didn't we? Same as he'd give

386
00:24:18,519 --> 00:24:21,319
the law in order to help grab us. Now, listen,

387
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,200
you take half of this and go one way, and

388
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I'll take half and go the other. We can get

389
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,519
away with five hundred apiece. And we got the five

390
00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:33,319
hundred a piece we got for doing the dynamite job too.

391
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:36,400
Say I never thought to have a thousand dollars at

392
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once and be life. What's that? It was Filo Gubb

393
00:24:40,839 --> 00:24:43,680
slipping the car door latch over the staple and hammering

394
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,960
home the hasp with a rock. It was the engine

395
00:24:47,039 --> 00:24:50,039
backing against a long row of cars to make a coupling,

396
00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:53,960
and then moving slowly forward toward Durlingport. As the heavy

397
00:24:54,039 --> 00:24:57,799
train got under way, the two rascals hammered on the

398
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,960
side of the car with their fists. They swore they

399
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:04,720
kicked against the doors. Philo Gubb drew himself into the

400
00:25:04,759 --> 00:25:08,839
next open car as the train moved away. About the

401
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,880
same time, Officer Purcell entered the Marshal's office, where Whittaker

402
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,920
and Billy Guett sat awaiting the coming of Philo Gubb.

403
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:21,319
Purcell led John Gutman, the town half wit. I got him,

404
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,519
he said, proudly caught him comin out of sam Whence's

405
00:25:24,559 --> 00:25:28,400
cellar window says. He didn't mean no harm. Had a dream.

406
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,160
He was to leave spoons on all the society folks,

407
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,799
and he'd be invited to all their parties. Did he fight, you,

408
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:39,960
asked Whittaker, Your pants is all stained up. Fight. No,

409
00:25:40,279 --> 00:25:43,119
he wouldn't fight a sheep, I tripped over a wire

410
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,720
fence cut in a corner and fell into a flower bed.

411
00:25:46,279 --> 00:25:49,759
Got hail Columbia from the lady too, she said, old

412
00:25:49,799 --> 00:25:52,519
man Westcoat fell into the flowers yesterday, and she didn't

413
00:25:52,559 --> 00:25:55,559
mean to have her flower bed used as no landing place.

414
00:25:56,440 --> 00:26:00,880
Heard from Detective Gub yet, Whittaker grinned. We ought to

415
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,200
hear from him soon, and I reckon he'll be worth

416
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,440
waiting to hear from, and he was. Word came from

417
00:26:07,519 --> 00:26:10,279
him about an hour later. It was a telegram from

418
00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:15,000
the Sheriff of Durling County. Detective Gubb captured two of

419
00:26:15,039 --> 00:26:19,720
the dynamiters to night have their confession. Arrest Pie Wagon, Peep,

420
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:25,599
Long Sam Underberry and Shorty Billings all implicated. And the

421
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:30,160
reward's up to five thousand dollars, said Officer Purcell. Let's

422
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,079
hustle out and nab the other three, and maybe we

423
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,799
can split it with Gubb and us sitting here thinking

424
00:26:35,839 --> 00:26:39,319
we had a joke on him, exclaimed Marshall Whittaker with disgust.

425
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:45,160
It makes me sick. Well, I feel a little billyous myself,

426
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:56,599
said Billy Getz and of the un burglars by Ellis Parker, Butler,