WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.070 --> 00:00:06.250 I had already told myself not to check my phone again, 2 00:00:06.370 --> 00:00:08.109 but as I stood with my hands in my pockets 3 00:00:08.130 --> 00:00:10.089 at the edge of the white room's crowded main gallery, 4 00:00:10.130 --> 00:00:13.220 the compulsion twisted my spine all over again. There it was, 5 00:00:13.259 --> 00:00:15.300 her last text, just a single line above that tiny 6 00:00:15.339 --> 00:00:18.539 grey timestamp. Sorry, studio's crazy won't make it tonight, love you. 7 00:00:19.260 --> 00:00:21.000 Even as I read it for the third time, the 8 00:00:21.019 --> 00:00:25.839 familiar pang between my ribs made me flash. Love you. Capsule-sized, 9 00:00:25.929 --> 00:00:28.769 tossed off. As casual as hitting the like button on 10 00:00:28.809 --> 00:00:31.649 a meme. Three months ago, we'd have been arm-in-arm in 11 00:00:31.670 --> 00:00:33.609 the exact spot where I was now, grinning at the 12 00:00:33.630 --> 00:00:37.020 crowd we'd quietly helped assemble. Years ago, we'd have ended 13 00:00:37.060 --> 00:00:39.579 the night tucked into the back booth at Tremont, legs entwined, 14 00:00:39.799 --> 00:00:41.939 cycling through private reviews of every guest's weird joke or 15 00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:45.460 inspired tangent. But now I was alone, suffocating a pointless 16 00:00:45.479 --> 00:00:47.579 hope she'd still come charging in, paint on her knuckles, 17 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:52.130 stories tumbling out. She didn't. People floated through the whitewashed space, 18 00:00:52.229 --> 00:00:55.109 clutching wine glasses, pausing at stretched canvas or welded wire, 19 00:00:55.350 --> 00:00:58.310 making all the rec gallery murmur noises. Nina and I 20 00:00:58.350 --> 00:01:00.670 had chosen a third of the pieces here, debated layouts, 21 00:01:01.159 --> 00:01:04.019 reached consensus about which sharply owner-sculptors would break into the 22 00:01:04.060 --> 00:01:07.500 city's next wave. Six months ago, I could have recited 23 00:01:07.540 --> 00:01:11.239 every bio by heart. But tonight, my mind stuttered. I 24 00:01:11.299 --> 00:01:13.640 realized I hadn't asked about most of these new pieces. 25 00:01:13.939 --> 00:01:16.060 Nina had handled more than half of the invites herself 26 00:01:16.099 --> 00:01:18.120 and never sent me the second draft of the floor plan. 27 00:01:18.739 --> 00:01:20.980 When I glanced toward the entrance once more, Martin was 28 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:25.420 the first to catch my eye. He'd already crossed the gallery. Well, hey, man. 29 00:01:26.200 --> 00:01:29.260 His hug was awkward, a single-armed, half-distracted squeeze as he 30 00:01:29.280 --> 00:01:32.140 scanned the room, clearly hunting for her. I gave him 31 00:01:32.159 --> 00:01:34.890 what I hoped looked like a relaxed smile. Vanina got 32 00:01:34.909 --> 00:01:38.090 tied up at the collective, creative surge last minute. I 33 00:01:38.170 --> 00:01:40.269 added a broad shrug, as if this was simply our 34 00:01:40.290 --> 00:01:44.670 new normal. Martin laughed too sharply. She's really throwing herself 35 00:01:44.730 --> 00:01:47.250 into that new crowd. Ha, the whole city's watching her 36 00:01:47.290 --> 00:01:51.609 collective now. I grinned more thinly. Guess so. He took 37 00:01:51.659 --> 00:01:54.299 a sip of wine, then, in a low voice, listen, 38 00:01:54.459 --> 00:01:56.120 if she makes it out later, tell her Marta owes 39 00:01:56.140 --> 00:01:58.260 her a shot for skipping my sculpture talk last week, 40 00:01:58.359 --> 00:02:00.959 I prepped two cringey puns just for her. Will do, 41 00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:03.540 I promised, and he was soon lost in conversation with 42 00:02:03.579 --> 00:02:06.760 a pair of illustrators. By then, a few other friends 43 00:02:06.780 --> 00:02:08.879 of our friends had drifted over, asking where she was, 44 00:02:09.099 --> 00:02:11.199 if she'd share some of her crazy collective gossip soon, 45 00:02:11.340 --> 00:02:14.210 wondering if she'd submit work to the new resident artist initiative. 46 00:02:14.969 --> 00:02:18.409 Amidst more talk, dropped half-believable lies about her process, stretched 47 00:02:18.469 --> 00:02:22.669 anecdotes across treacherous silences. When a polite, bespectacled gallery board 48 00:02:22.710 --> 00:02:24.889 member said, if there's Nina on deadline again, I miss 49 00:02:24.930 --> 00:02:27.050 seeing you two together at these things. There's a real 50 00:02:27.169 --> 00:02:29.270 warmth between you. I nearly choked on my own tongue. 51 00:02:30.189 --> 00:02:32.960 I excused myself and retreated to the refreshments table, swirling 52 00:02:32.969 --> 00:02:35.740 club soda in a plastic cup. Was I being ridiculous? 53 00:02:36.580 --> 00:02:38.659 It wasn't like her to skip something this important, but 54 00:02:38.699 --> 00:02:42.639 she'd always had periods of obsession, and that's lost her inspiration. Nina, 55 00:02:42.659 --> 00:02:45.199 bound brighter than anybody, admits sometimes too bright for either 56 00:02:45.250 --> 00:02:48.770 of us. She'd vanish into her work, intensity pushing out 57 00:02:48.810 --> 00:02:51.319 the rest of the world. And hadn't I always bragged 58 00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:55.180 about how fiercely independent we were? Still, as the reception 59 00:02:55.219 --> 00:02:57.840 shifted into that odd, loose energy that makes everyone more 60 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:00.780 brittle or over-familiar, I kept feeling Nina's absence reshape my 61 00:03:00.819 --> 00:03:03.960 own edges. Maybe creativity wasn't meant to follow a schedule. 62 00:03:04.659 --> 00:03:07.930 Maybe she was just rediscovering herself. I watched the crowd 63 00:03:07.939 --> 00:03:10.689 dance between art and anticipation and, for the first time, 64 00:03:10.849 --> 00:03:13.930 felt truly outside an event we'd once owned together. The 65 00:03:14.009 --> 00:03:15.689 air outside the white room was thick with the city's 66 00:03:15.710 --> 00:03:18.389 June warmth, ghosts of cigarettes twisting in the aisles behind 67 00:03:18.430 --> 00:03:22.129 clinking glass. I walked home alone, knowing how badly Nina 68 00:03:22.150 --> 00:03:25.409 would hate the last-minute curatorial choices, hating myself for cataloguing 69 00:03:25.449 --> 00:03:27.389 all the ways she would have teased me about my posture, 70 00:03:27.550 --> 00:03:30.340 the wayward collars, my relentless loyalty to classic dark denim 71 00:03:30.379 --> 00:03:33.580 over her preference for bolder colours. At our building, I 72 00:03:33.620 --> 00:03:36.319 paused in the tiny elevator, listening to its staticky jazz. 73 00:03:37.099 --> 00:03:39.659 In our apartment, our shared studio glowed from the kitchen's 74 00:03:39.719 --> 00:03:43.060 night-lighter rectangle of watercolour paper left to dry, Nina's signature 75 00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:46.770 slashes of blue interrupting the otherwise serene space. Her cues 76 00:03:46.830 --> 00:03:49.090 were everywhere, books splayed by her side of the couch, 77 00:03:49.389 --> 00:03:51.770 a thrift store lamp she'd rescued from the curb, traces 78 00:03:51.810 --> 00:03:54.110 of the lavender hand cream she'd started using in winter, 79 00:03:54.330 --> 00:03:57.560 lingering on doorknobs and pillowcases. For a few minutes, I 80 00:03:57.590 --> 00:03:59.960 just stood there, letting the evidence of our mutual history 81 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:02.900 calm me. We'd built this life like two architects arguing 82 00:04:02.939 --> 00:04:07.219 over aesthetics, but always close in the distance. Partners. That 83 00:04:07.259 --> 00:04:10.620 word had substance. I realized, not for the last time, 84 00:04:10.759 --> 00:04:13.520 I needed to let tonight go. Instead of stewing, I 85 00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:15.840 sent her a silly selfie with the caption, If you 86 00:04:15.860 --> 00:04:18.870 don't feed us soon, we are staging a coup. She 87 00:04:18.910 --> 00:04:21.449 replied an hour later with three emojis, palette, storm cloud, 88 00:04:21.670 --> 00:04:25.189 red heart. I tried to believe it was enough. Sometimes 89 00:04:25.230 --> 00:04:26.970 you can trace the shape of split back to the 90 00:04:27.009 --> 00:04:29.889 moment when routines stop being mutual and start being solitary. 91 00:04:30.689 --> 00:04:33.079 Our routine, for most of the last six years, had 92 00:04:33.100 --> 00:04:36.300 been almost aggressively collaborative, stitched together out of stubborn midwestern 93 00:04:36.339 --> 00:04:39.850 pragmatism and downtown out-scene bravado. We'd met in grad school, 94 00:04:39.889 --> 00:04:41.629 Nina bounding ahead of me up the chip stairs at 95 00:04:41.649 --> 00:04:45.470 the gallery annex, violet hair back then, face-wide grin, challenging 96 00:04:45.490 --> 00:04:47.490 me to a round of gallery bingo while the visiting 97 00:04:47.529 --> 00:04:50.490 lecture droned on. She was already known for fusing old 98 00:04:50.529 --> 00:04:53.889 Polaroid transfers into her acrylic pieces, but she didn't advertise that. 99 00:04:53.910 --> 00:04:56.949 At the party, she'd drag new friends to the leakiest roof, 100 00:04:57.009 --> 00:04:59.269 tilt her chin to the skyline, and extract a story 101 00:04:59.310 --> 00:05:02.490 nobody else had noticed. The rest, people used to say, 102 00:05:02.550 --> 00:05:06.189 happened fast. We'd pulled thrifted furniture from Craigslist, chaired our 103 00:05:06.209 --> 00:05:10.110 first sublet, organized guerrilla art shows off alleyways. I'd always 104 00:05:10.149 --> 00:05:12.839 been the methodical one, wary of risk, building Excel budgets, 105 00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:15.500 keeping our studio slotted for both her feverish bursts and 106 00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:19.060 my quieter commissions. Nina called it maintaining the nest, I 107 00:05:19.079 --> 00:05:21.160 thought of it as joint stewardship two brains planning a 108 00:05:21.220 --> 00:05:24.430 creative life that was more than survival. After grad school, 109 00:05:24.639 --> 00:05:27.290 we'd lucked into a rent-controlled two-bedroom in Chambers, a pocket 110 00:05:27.310 --> 00:05:30.970 neighborhood notorious for loud murals and early-a.m. food trucks. Those 111 00:05:31.009 --> 00:05:33.709 first three years were mostly dinners with artist friends, debates 112 00:05:33.769 --> 00:05:37.230 over design software versus real paint, sharing discoveries from museum trips. 113 00:05:38.129 --> 00:05:40.740 Some months were lean, sometimes a commission would fall through 114 00:05:40.769 --> 00:05:42.379 and we'd adjust date nights down to a bottle of 115 00:05:42.439 --> 00:05:45.379 grocery store wine and fries at Rosetta's. But there was 116 00:05:45.420 --> 00:05:47.959 never any question we'd find our way through. When she 117 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:50.399 landed the Agnes Grant, we went out for ice cream 118 00:05:50.439 --> 00:05:52.500 and walked the perimeter of the city's sculpture garden with 119 00:05:52.540 --> 00:05:55.319 our hands linked, dazed and giddy. My own first big 120 00:05:55.339 --> 00:05:57.319 client came the next autumn, and she made a sheet 121 00:05:57.339 --> 00:05:59.160 cake with icing in the shape of my company's logo. 122 00:05:59.720 --> 00:06:03.000 laughing when he slid sideways. We kept each other's trophies 123 00:06:03.060 --> 00:06:05.560 on a floating shelf in the studio, half pretending neither 124 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:08.689 of us cared if friends noticed whose came first. We'd 125 00:06:08.699 --> 00:06:10.889 always had little flashes of insecurity who sure got the 126 00:06:10.930 --> 00:06:14.490 better review, who picked up a client first. Sometimes, when 127 00:06:14.529 --> 00:06:17.470 a curator praised her irrepressible hunger for reinvention, I bristle 128 00:06:17.490 --> 00:06:20.449 with a private petty ache. And when my steady project 129 00:06:20.500 --> 00:06:22.660 work paid for a stay at her dream studio residency 130 00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.279 in Santa Fe, she once murmured, sometimes, I envy how 131 00:06:25.300 --> 00:06:27.439 you always seem so steady, so sure you're good enough. 132 00:06:28.230 --> 00:06:31.089 But these passing storms turned honest, talked out over cigarettes 133 00:06:31.129 --> 00:06:33.410 on the fire escape, solved with late-night pancakes or the 134 00:06:33.449 --> 00:06:36.829 ritual crawl of three favorite things before bed. Secrets never 135 00:06:36.889 --> 00:06:40.639 linger between us. Or so I thought. Our annual artist 136 00:06:40.699 --> 00:06:43.519 retreat had been a tradition since that second year. We'd 137 00:06:43.540 --> 00:06:46.579 hike upstate, rent a cabin with near-zero-sale service, live like 138 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:50.420 aesthetics for three days, sketch, walk, read aloud ideas, measure 139 00:06:50.439 --> 00:06:53.350 the coming year's hopes. The reset button on our life. 140 00:06:54.050 --> 00:06:56.310 This year, it was circled and read on my desk calendar. 141 00:06:57.029 --> 00:07:00.610 Three weeks ago, Nina had flipped through her phone, comparing Airbnbs, 142 00:07:00.790 --> 00:07:04.089 proposing ambitious side trips, a cold lake swim, sunrise hikes, 143 00:07:04.310 --> 00:07:07.540 a road detour for an unexplored antique store. We'll unplug, 144 00:07:07.699 --> 00:07:10.220 she said, dragging out the word, like monks with moleskins. 145 00:07:10.959 --> 00:07:12.959 All of that now seemed as old as cave paintings. 146 00:07:13.740 --> 00:07:15.779 I woke Friday to her shoes already gone from the hall. 147 00:07:16.519 --> 00:07:18.240 In the studio, a mug with a top of green 148 00:07:18.300 --> 00:07:21.300 paint floated in cold coffee. I glanced at my calendar 149 00:07:21.339 --> 00:07:24.399 and smiled. It was finally retreat weekend. I texted her, 150 00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:28.160 breakfast at Blue Bench, pre-retreat carbs. The answer didn't come 151 00:07:28.199 --> 00:07:30.779 until nearly noon, while I was out buying groceries for 152 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:34.899 the trip. Can't, sorry, scrap everything, major commission deadline just 153 00:07:34.939 --> 00:07:36.699 came and I can't leave town, can we move the trip? 154 00:07:37.339 --> 00:07:39.230 At first I thought it was a jerk, an overblown Mr. 155 00:07:39.370 --> 00:07:42.449 Rick before a surprise. Then I realized her message was 156 00:07:42.490 --> 00:07:45.949 missing any flourish, just bare facts. When I called needing 157 00:07:45.970 --> 00:07:47.930 to hear a note of my apology she sounded tired, 158 00:07:48.069 --> 00:07:51.029 voice tight and a little hollow. Which commission came through? 159 00:07:51.050 --> 00:07:54.079 I asked trying to keep it neutral. There had been 160 00:07:54.100 --> 00:07:57.319 a couple promising conversations about city installations, but nothing that 161 00:07:57.339 --> 00:08:00.500 should have materialized this fast. There was a pause barely 162 00:08:00.540 --> 00:08:03.939 two seconds, but I heard it. They'll be opening a proposal, sorry. 163 00:08:04.100 --> 00:08:06.519 They want the concert sketches by Monday. It's ridiculous, but 164 00:08:06.540 --> 00:08:08.399 it's big. I tried to call the cabin, but couldn't 165 00:08:08.439 --> 00:08:11.920 reach anyone. I said, it's fine, swallowing the old disappointment 166 00:08:11.939 --> 00:08:15.660 that used to knock me off my rails. She sounded breathless, apologetic, 167 00:08:15.819 --> 00:08:18.699 but strangely impersonal, like a colleague excusing herself from a meeting. 168 00:08:19.339 --> 00:08:21.399 I wanted to tug the phone away, shake it, and 169 00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:24.350 listen for static in her words. You sure you're okay? 170 00:08:25.149 --> 00:08:27.600 I asked, almost laughing, to make it light. You were 171 00:08:27.639 --> 00:08:30.639 so excited last week. Yeah, but that was before this 172 00:08:30.660 --> 00:08:33.139 fire drill. I'll make it up to you, promise. I 173 00:08:33.159 --> 00:08:34.940 walked to the window and watched a market bustle on 174 00:08:34.960 --> 00:08:37.899 the street. We can do something next month. Just don't 175 00:08:37.919 --> 00:08:42.250 burn yourself out. She made a muffled noise. I won't, promise. 176 00:08:42.309 --> 00:08:45.009 Gotta get to a meeting. Love you. I let her go, 177 00:08:45.309 --> 00:08:48.909 staring at my muted reflection in the glass. Nina, forgetting 178 00:08:48.929 --> 00:08:51.879 the one weekend she herself had gushed about. I told 179 00:08:51.919 --> 00:08:55.870 myself that creative locks make people selfish, even reckless. I 180 00:08:55.899 --> 00:08:58.789 headed into the afternoon staff with familiar errands, laundry, billing, 181 00:08:58.909 --> 00:09:00.769 an overdue lunch with a mutual friend to cling into 182 00:09:00.809 --> 00:09:02.549 the idea that none of this was out of character. 183 00:09:03.289 --> 00:09:05.210 But lying on my back at midnight, staring at the 184 00:09:05.250 --> 00:09:08.450 ceiling fan's lazy orbit, I replayed her voice. The clipped 185 00:09:08.470 --> 00:09:11.830 way she pronounced concept sketches. The pause before were alpinate 186 00:09:11.850 --> 00:09:15.179 that sounded like a stone skipping water. Over breakfast, I'd 187 00:09:15.220 --> 00:09:17.720 found a pack of cigarettes, half-empty, sticking out of her 188 00:09:17.740 --> 00:09:21.000 workbag Nina, who hated smoking, who'd always mocked the destructive 189 00:09:21.019 --> 00:09:24.019 side effects of urban vice. Had she started bumbling her 190 00:09:24.059 --> 00:09:26.740 own references? Was there a new inside joke at the 191 00:09:26.759 --> 00:09:29.720 collective I wasn't in on? It's staggering how quickly trust 192 00:09:29.740 --> 00:09:33.059 can start to feel like a fragile, dangerous thing. Saturday, 193 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:36.120 I decided to reset the narrative. If Nina had become 194 00:09:36.139 --> 00:09:38.179 so lost in her new project that she'd forgotten our 195 00:09:38.279 --> 00:09:40.389 one annual escape, maybe it was on me to meet 196 00:09:40.429 --> 00:09:43.210 her where she lived. To be the supportive partner, not 197 00:09:43.230 --> 00:09:46.740 the suspicious husband. Around dusk, I walked the six blocks 198 00:09:46.779 --> 00:09:48.919 to the warehouse on Halley, the new site for her collective, 199 00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:52.350 a decommissioned tire factory with plank windows and handmade metal signage. 200 00:09:53.169 --> 00:09:55.690 I texted, bringing you fuel, and bought two gold cheese 201 00:09:55.710 --> 00:09:58.350 sandwiches and a bag of lemon seltzers at a corner cafe. 202 00:09:58.970 --> 00:10:01.580 I pushed through the heavy steel door. The back hall 203 00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:03.720 was strangely quiet for a Saturday, not only the hum 204 00:10:03.759 --> 00:10:05.620 of the ventilation and a flicker from the other end. 205 00:10:06.470 --> 00:10:08.870 I almost turned around, certain she'd be with friends in 206 00:10:08.889 --> 00:10:11.850 the rear studio where the sculptors worked. But the main 207 00:10:11.889 --> 00:10:15.309 room was empty. A faint smell, not quite cigarettes, more dusty, 208 00:10:15.549 --> 00:10:18.440 metallic con in the air. A single spotlight hit an 209 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:20.820 unfinished canvas left abandoned near the window, but there was 210 00:10:20.879 --> 00:10:23.840 no sign of Nina or anyone else. I drifted through 211 00:10:23.860 --> 00:10:26.360 the sprawl of paint tubes and unwashed mugs, the communal 212 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:28.759 table littered with sketch pens and half-eaten pizza, but it 213 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:30.720 was as if the place had been deserted in a hurry. 214 00:10:31.419 --> 00:10:33.799 At her usual cubicle, I found a mess of pencil stubs, 215 00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:35.879 her mock-up for the Albina project, and a cryptic list 216 00:10:35.919 --> 00:10:39.570 of first names on the margin, D.S. Caro, me. I waited, 217 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:42.809 eating half my grilled cheese, then texted again a surprise ambush. 218 00:10:43.009 --> 00:10:46.399 I brought dinner, but got no reply. After 45 minutes, 219 00:10:46.590 --> 00:10:48.450 I finally left the food in a hasty note and 220 00:10:48.490 --> 00:10:52.690 walked home. She texted near 10.45, sorry. Just left to 221 00:10:52.710 --> 00:10:57.029 get photos. Sorry I missed you. Did you eat? I 222 00:10:57.070 --> 00:10:59.090 replied with an emoji and tried to swallow the hard 223 00:10:59.129 --> 00:11:01.730 stone of letdown. I told myself it was just one 224 00:11:01.769 --> 00:11:05.029 more weird byproduct of a creative person's work cycle. What 225 00:11:05.049 --> 00:11:07.870 had Martin said at the gallery? That new crowd, huh? 226 00:11:08.590 --> 00:11:10.590 Sunday I cleaned the kitchen and found one of Nina's 227 00:11:10.629 --> 00:11:13.830 plastic folders gaping open in the studio. A credit card 228 00:11:13.850 --> 00:11:16.240 statement meant for the shredder had wedged itself between a 229 00:11:16.269 --> 00:11:18.860 batch of mail. The top line caught my eye. Bella 230 00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:25.220 Knott Friday. One item. $ 184. 50. My breath snagged. Bella Knott 231 00:11:25.259 --> 00:11:29.320 was almost cartoonishly romantic. Dark walnut booths. Live jazz. Legendary 232 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:32.679 first chocolate souffle. We'd been there on our third anniversary 233 00:11:32.779 --> 00:11:35.480 in one of our more solvent years. She hadn't been 234 00:11:35.500 --> 00:11:37.580 home until close to three at night. I'd been asleep 235 00:11:37.639 --> 00:11:40.120 leaving the story at Killer Progress at the studio. Don't 236 00:11:40.139 --> 00:11:42.659 wait up. Who had she taken out for champagne and 237 00:11:42.679 --> 00:11:45.919 soufflé at 1 a.m.? I set the statement aside, sickened 238 00:11:45.940 --> 00:11:49.320 by my own curiosity. Monday, Martin called to see if 239 00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:52.299 I'd be joining his critique circle this week. I hesitated 240 00:11:52.360 --> 00:11:55.240 a second too long, and he filled the silence. By 241 00:11:55.259 --> 00:11:57.700 the way, I saw Nina late last night. Actually, she 242 00:11:57.740 --> 00:12:00.570 and that new guy from her collective, what's his name? Daniel, right? 243 00:12:00.730 --> 00:12:02.490 They were at the bar across from the Halley Warehouse. 244 00:12:02.690 --> 00:12:05.370 Looked deep in debate. You working on a collaboration together now? 245 00:12:06.149 --> 00:12:09.090 I felt the back of my scalp tingle. No, just her. 246 00:12:09.350 --> 00:12:12.909 Daniel's the new sculptor. How late was this? Oh, nearly one. 247 00:12:13.029 --> 00:12:16.799 I wasn't drinking. If that's what you're asking, he joked. Anyway, 248 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:19.460 she looked intense, happy, not the kind of happy you 249 00:12:19.480 --> 00:12:22.960 get from budget revisions. I made some noise agreement surprise. 250 00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:27.340 Martin's call ended politely. At night, Nina came home long 251 00:12:27.419 --> 00:12:30.269 after midnight. I was pretending to sleep but heard her 252 00:12:30.289 --> 00:12:33.129 set down a portfolio with a tire plunk. She moved 253 00:12:33.169 --> 00:12:35.210 in practice quiet, but I heard the exhale as she 254 00:12:35.250 --> 00:12:37.950 sat on the bed's edge. Not quite a sob, not 255 00:12:37.990 --> 00:12:41.210 quite a sigh. Morning revealed an odd artifact to sketch, 256 00:12:41.409 --> 00:12:44.169 tossed half under her mug, unlike any of her recent work. 257 00:12:44.870 --> 00:12:47.529 It was rough, done in long, rapid lines, the kind 258 00:12:47.549 --> 00:12:50.720 she only made embracing moments of inspiration. At first, it 259 00:12:50.740 --> 00:12:53.240 was just a figure crouched awkwardly at a table, hands 260 00:12:53.259 --> 00:12:56.659 large and square. But the angle the facial features, the thick, 261 00:12:56.840 --> 00:12:58.960 sweep of dark hair looked uncannily like the downhill I'd 262 00:12:58.980 --> 00:13:02.519 seen around the collector's posts. Above the sketch, her usual 263 00:13:02.570 --> 00:13:05.779 signature flourishes, but no date or title. I left it 264 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:07.580 out to see if she'd mention it, but she cleared 265 00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:10.700 it away before breakfast with barely a glance. What began 266 00:13:10.759 --> 00:13:13.240 as mild irritation the last weekend, the odd hours fused 267 00:13:13.259 --> 00:13:16.559 with sleeping suspicion. She was showering at night now, always 268 00:13:16.620 --> 00:13:19.879 locking the bathroom door. Her studio at home became off-limits. 269 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:22.759 She'd rather not have anyone's energy in there while she prepped. 270 00:13:23.580 --> 00:13:25.860 She skipped our shared Saturday run to the market, a 271 00:13:25.899 --> 00:13:28.700 ritual she never let go for anything but deadlines or hangovers. 272 00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:32.149 Her phone, once left on counters and coffee tables, was 273 00:13:32.190 --> 00:13:35.740 now never out of her reach. Notification silence, always turned 274 00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:39.720 face down. Small acts, but when lined up, they felt pointed, orchestrated. 275 00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:42.799 On Tuesday night, I interrupted her as she was leaving. 276 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:47.350 You need anything from the store? I asked. She hesitated, 277 00:13:47.470 --> 00:13:51.190 jacket already on. I'm good, don't wait up. There was 278 00:13:51.210 --> 00:13:53.610 something hollow in her gaze, not guilt, exactly, but an 279 00:13:53.690 --> 00:13:57.090 urgency edged with apology. After she left, I scrolled through 280 00:13:57.149 --> 00:13:59.590 our photo library, searching for images we used to take 281 00:13:59.629 --> 00:14:01.860 her propped on the gallery's ladders, us at the retreat 282 00:14:01.889 --> 00:14:05.110 making shadow puppets on the cabin walls. In the last month, 283 00:14:05.269 --> 00:14:08.690 we appeared together almost nowhere. What remained was abstract, a 284 00:14:08.750 --> 00:14:11.029 close-up of her palette, a photo of Rain on a window, 285 00:14:11.190 --> 00:14:13.309 a shot of Daniel at a sculptor's wheel, reposted to 286 00:14:13.350 --> 00:14:16.820 Nina's stories. At dinner with our friend Kenzie, I floated 287 00:14:16.860 --> 00:14:20.460 the concern obliquely, speaking in generalities, Nina's running on empty, 288 00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:23.720 maybe burning up with all this collective stuff. Kenzie gave 289 00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:27.299 an ambiguous frown. That's the scene, well, everyone stretched, that 290 00:14:27.320 --> 00:14:29.299 Daniel guy, he's done a number on the dynamic, though, 291 00:14:29.450 --> 00:14:32.250 don't love his stuff, but the women are obsessed. I 292 00:14:32.289 --> 00:14:35.269 changed the subject. then excuse myself early, unable to hide 293 00:14:35.289 --> 00:14:38.309 my strain. The next week, the elastic in our conversation 294 00:14:38.330 --> 00:14:42.049 stretched thin. Our laughter, once rapid-fire and crowded within jokes, 295 00:14:42.330 --> 00:14:45.389 faded away, humour faltered, replaced by quick updates and reminders 296 00:14:45.429 --> 00:14:49.580 about bills or mutual clients. Sometimes, she'd return radiant, flinging 297 00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:51.740 herself on the bed with snatches of energy, only to 298 00:14:51.779 --> 00:14:55.019 fall into eerie silence the very next night. Other times, 299 00:14:55.059 --> 00:14:58.039 she'd erupt into critiques, her own process, the collective's stubborn admin, 300 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:01.080 even the city's changing gallery seen them withdraw abruptly, as 301 00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:05.129 if she'd revealed too much. Our friends started noticing. A 302 00:15:05.149 --> 00:15:07.769 few called for dinner, but Nina begged off. At a 303 00:15:07.809 --> 00:15:09.789 group opening, she stayed for less than half an hour, 304 00:15:09.909 --> 00:15:12.470 glancing at her phone, whispering with Daniel before heading out 305 00:15:12.490 --> 00:15:15.909 to prep a proposal. Needing clarity, I pressed lightly everything 306 00:15:15.980 --> 00:15:18.360 okay at the collective, and she'd wave it off. Artists 307 00:15:18.379 --> 00:15:22.379 are just chaos. Well, I'm hiding the only functional wave. Mid-July, 308 00:15:22.580 --> 00:15:25.440 we flipped through finances for a pending home repair. I 309 00:15:25.500 --> 00:15:27.899 noticed several life charges centered on the area near Daniel's 310 00:15:27.940 --> 00:15:31.259 apartment downtown late weeknights. When I asked, she looked at 311 00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:34.210 her cuticles. We were out for reference shots. Daniel has 312 00:15:34.230 --> 00:15:36.429 this camera guy, not really my gig, but the light 313 00:15:36.450 --> 00:15:39.590 was better than at the warehouse. Okay, I said, jotting 314 00:15:39.649 --> 00:15:43.269 figures into her spreadsheet. At another friend's dinner party, Nina 315 00:15:43.309 --> 00:15:46.129 talked about new breakthroughs in collaborative work, but left Daniel's 316 00:15:46.190 --> 00:15:49.129 name out altogether. Only after I thanked her for hanging 317 00:15:49.220 --> 00:15:51.169 through her, how much did she lean in and confess, 318 00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:54.179 sometimes I wish the whole scene would disappear for a week, 319 00:15:54.279 --> 00:15:58.379 just us, just old times. Her smile was watery. I 320 00:15:58.419 --> 00:16:00.179 squeezed her hand and tried not to drown in the 321 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:03.600 southern wave of nostalgia. The next evening, Nina brought home 322 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:07.720 a new painting, huge, wild, all sharp contrasts, magnetic energy. 323 00:16:08.419 --> 00:16:10.950 It earned her a string of gushing DMs from local critics. 324 00:16:11.789 --> 00:16:13.610 That's you in this, she said, laying a hand on 325 00:16:13.649 --> 00:16:17.610 my shoulder, all stability in the storm. Another attempt at connection. 326 00:16:18.370 --> 00:16:21.409 Another rush of hope. But by dawn, I found myself 327 00:16:21.450 --> 00:16:24.279 staring at yet another document, the collective's latest PR email, 328 00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:28.460 with Nina's name featured alongside Daniel's in an upcoming duo show. Martin, 329 00:16:28.820 --> 00:16:31.409 during a Saturday studio visit, so idled up with a 330 00:16:31.460 --> 00:16:35.019 conspiratorial grin. He's seen these two at work, well, electric. 331 00:16:35.220 --> 00:16:36.919 I'm not saying the rest of us should be jealous, 332 00:16:37.059 --> 00:16:40.139 but damn. I tried to laugh along, burning up with 333 00:16:40.179 --> 00:16:42.759 an anger even I couldn't fully name. I had never 334 00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:46.289 considered myself as suspicious. But I was now catching shadows 335 00:16:46.350 --> 00:16:48.070 out of the corner of my vision answers a moment 336 00:16:48.110 --> 00:16:50.509 too slow of small stories that appeared and disappeared like 337 00:16:50.570 --> 00:16:53.090 old foam bits, flashes of accusations I dismiss out of 338 00:16:53.129 --> 00:16:55.889 both shame and hope. Things reached a breaking point on 339 00:16:55.909 --> 00:16:58.750 the Saturday after the cancelled retreat. We were sitting on 340 00:16:58.769 --> 00:17:01.950 the stoop, coffee warming in mismatched mugs, when she glanced 341 00:17:01.990 --> 00:17:05.710 sideways at me, her knee bouncing. Hey, she said, would 342 00:17:05.730 --> 00:17:07.269 you hate me if I turned down lunch with your 343 00:17:07.309 --> 00:17:09.750 folks next week? I just need more time at the studio. 344 00:17:09.890 --> 00:17:12.099 There's a new round of grants, and Daniel wants me 345 00:17:12.130 --> 00:17:14.359 to review his proposal. He's not very strong at that 346 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:18.500 admin stuff. It was a narrow excuse, bundled with honest details. 347 00:17:19.400 --> 00:17:22.079 I mustered a grin. Will you ever bring him around 348 00:17:22.119 --> 00:17:25.059 for dinner so he can beg for mercy himself? She 349 00:17:25.079 --> 00:17:28.380 laughed too loud, then gave my arm a quick squeeze. Maybe, 350 00:17:28.710 --> 00:17:31.359 if he survives Friday nights in Seoul. She wanted me 351 00:17:31.400 --> 00:17:34.420 to believe she was just overworked. I called my mother 352 00:17:34.500 --> 00:17:37.259 our only living parent close by and handled the conversation. 353 00:17:37.940 --> 00:17:41.079 I found myself describing Nina's business in obsessive detail, padding 354 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:43.940 the lie with anecdotes about past deadlines, half remembering when 355 00:17:43.960 --> 00:17:46.640 those were real. That night, the exhaustion in my chest 356 00:17:46.680 --> 00:17:50.309 became something new. I wasn't sure if I was being jealous, protective, 357 00:17:50.490 --> 00:17:53.690 or simply desperate to hold on. I questioned my mutual friends, 358 00:17:53.750 --> 00:17:58.829 not bluntly, but with calculated hints. People shrugged, offered nothing. Kenzie, 359 00:17:59.130 --> 00:18:01.630 soft for the normal, asked, You two still good? She 360 00:18:01.670 --> 00:18:06.700 seems somewhere else. I covered. Just creative burnout. What hurt 361 00:18:06.740 --> 00:18:09.500 the most, I realized, was the wall building up between us. 362 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:11.720 I used to be able to joke my way through 363 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:15.319 her restless spells, coax her back with old stories. This time, 364 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:17.900 she orbited out of reach, leaving only brief flashes of 365 00:18:17.990 --> 00:18:21.890 intimacy before withdrawing completely. The following Friday, I took a chance. 366 00:18:22.769 --> 00:18:24.970 I showed up to the Halley warehouse again, this time 367 00:18:25.009 --> 00:18:26.970 with no announcement, just a brown bag full of her 368 00:18:27.009 --> 00:18:29.589 favorite bagels and some vitamin drink small tokens of care, 369 00:18:29.730 --> 00:18:32.319 or maybe my own silent plea. Lights came from the 370 00:18:32.339 --> 00:18:35.819 offices out front. I heard voices, hurrs, daniels, and a 371 00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:39.119 third I didn't know. Their laughter was low, private, not 372 00:18:39.140 --> 00:18:40.980 the wild volume she used in the old days, but 373 00:18:41.019 --> 00:18:43.829 edged with rigged excitement. I thought about knocking, saw in 374 00:18:43.849 --> 00:18:47.619 my mind her startled face, but didn't. Instead... Retreating to 375 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:49.680 a corner, I watched from the parking lot as the 376 00:18:49.720 --> 00:18:53.700 trio emerged, arms looped across shoulders in lopsided hugs. Nina 377 00:18:53.720 --> 00:18:56.619 looked both exhausted and absolutely alive, a flush cutting across 378 00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:58.960 her cheeks, a looseness in her limbs I hadn't seen 379 00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:02.539 in weeks. Daniel peeled away, his bag slung over his shoulder. 380 00:19:03.259 --> 00:19:05.099 He caught my gaze for half a second but nodded 381 00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:07.819 through me, not picking up who I was. Nina didn't 382 00:19:07.859 --> 00:19:10.559 see me. She climbed into the back of her rideshare 383 00:19:10.579 --> 00:19:12.980 with the other woman, pulling her scarf over her face, 384 00:19:13.180 --> 00:19:16.240 fingers flying over her phone. At home, she greeted me 385 00:19:16.259 --> 00:19:20.309 with quick, distracted affection. Sorry I bailed. I just got swamped. 386 00:19:20.509 --> 00:19:22.549 Daniel needed to call in pizza and we crashed till 387 00:19:22.589 --> 00:19:25.700 nearly midnight. Don't wait up for me, okay? This time, 388 00:19:25.900 --> 00:19:28.240 when she disappeared into her studio, locking the door, I 389 00:19:28.259 --> 00:19:30.819 stood in the hallway thinking about the cracks forming. Her 390 00:19:30.900 --> 00:19:34.960 ongoing disconnection, skipping our Saturday walks, missing Sunday breakfast became routine. 391 00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:37.380 Her side of the bed was cool more often than not, 392 00:19:37.420 --> 00:19:40.220 her laughter half in frequency, her urgency now solely devoted 393 00:19:40.220 --> 00:19:42.630 to someone or something else. I'd ask when she was 394 00:19:42.630 --> 00:19:45.849 coming home. She'd answer with a shout of apologies. It 395 00:19:45.890 --> 00:19:47.829 was the credit card bill that wouldn't leave my mind. 396 00:19:48.609 --> 00:19:52.990 Bella not. The lift receipts to Daniel Block. All parentheses 397 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:55.519 details that might have added up to nothing until, layered 398 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:57.500 on top of each other, they began to feel damning. 399 00:19:58.220 --> 00:20:00.920 One afternoon, I rifled through the bag she'd left carelessly 400 00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:03.519 open on the kitchen table, hoping to find her house keys. 401 00:20:04.359 --> 00:20:06.660