WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.080 I came home to our apartment just after midnight on 2 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:08.199 a Friday. The city outside somehow quieter than what I 3 00:00:08.279 --> 00:00:11.039 found inside. The living room lights were dimmed the way 4 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:13.359 I liked them, yellow pulls on the polished floor, but 5 00:00:13.400 --> 00:00:16.600 they smile formed, spicy and masculine, not James's usual citrus 6 00:00:16.600 --> 00:00:19.960 and sandal would clown, but something sharper, almost peppery. The 7 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.039 scent curled along the hallway, fainter as I made my 8 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:25.079 way to the kitchen, then stronger by the couch. His 9 00:00:25.160 --> 00:00:27.359 laptop blinked, its cursor on the coffee table, opened to 10 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:29.879 a blank email with a subject line to night confirmation. 11 00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:32.719 The rest was empty, as though he'd started and then 12 00:00:32.759 --> 00:00:35.679 thought better of typing anything more. I set my tote 13 00:00:35.719 --> 00:00:38.039 down quietly and stood there a moment, my shoulders aching 14 00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:40.039 from a day sight visits and still wearing the flat 15 00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:42.439 sid's horn eyed kickoff. As soon as I got inside. 16 00:00:42.960 --> 00:00:45.159 My phone was light in my pocket. No miss calls 17 00:00:45.240 --> 00:00:47.759 or new messages since James's last one running late. Another 18 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:50.159 committee thing should be home just after nine, sorry, so 19 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:55.320 send at eight eleven. I checked again, almost reflexively midnight, 20 00:00:55.359 --> 00:00:58.079 and I'd heard nothing. It wasn't unusual for him to 21 00:00:58.119 --> 00:01:00.640 disappear into his work lately. Ever since, as Langley groups 22 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:04.040 started dangling these professional volunteering gigs, James had been pulled 23 00:01:04.040 --> 00:01:06.799 into more after hours meetings, a client calls, committee planning. 24 00:01:07.239 --> 00:01:09.519 He'd always been a drawn there, but his cynicism about 25 00:01:09.560 --> 00:01:11.680 charity Galas was one of those small things that had 26 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:13.799 come to depend on, Like how he'd saw its dark 27 00:01:13.879 --> 00:01:17.599 architectural features on TV. The sudden enthusiasm for social events 28 00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:20.079 felt a little like watching her interrupt friends start speaking 29 00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:22.840 in slogans. I tried to let it roll off me. 30 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:25.920 I wandered the perimeter of the living room, noting our 31 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.680 routines and Revers's coat missing from the hook, an empty 32 00:01:28.680 --> 00:01:30.879 glass on the side table, the faintest smudge of what 33 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:33.599 looked like lipstick in the room. I bent to sniffet, 34 00:01:33.640 --> 00:01:35.640 telling myself that it was probably cherry from one of 35 00:01:35.640 --> 00:01:37.920 my own glosses. But the tone was wrong, too dark. 36 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:40.120 It larded in my chest, But I didn't want to 37 00:01:40.200 --> 00:01:43.079 jump to conclusions. Our friends often stayed late, and sometimes 38 00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:46.040 things got mixed up. Still, I felt like a stranger 39 00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:48.640 in my own home. I pushed open the window a crack, 40 00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.640 desperate to clear the perfume. Down below on the street, 41 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:54.000 the black cow was idling, blinkers tap in the dark 42 00:01:54.040 --> 00:01:57.640 with orange punctuation. I waited, arms crossed, and then I 43 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:00.239 saw him, James, stepping out of a newber, glancing over 44 00:02:00.280 --> 00:02:02.760 each shoulder, then smoothing his navy blazer, like he was 45 00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:05.680 just another city suit out late for drinks. He didn't 46 00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:08.719 see me at the window at first. He hesitated, looked 47 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:10.840 up at the building and must have decided he could 48 00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:12.560 make it up to me with an explanation, or maybe 49 00:02:12.599 --> 00:02:15.680 he was calculating how little I would ask. I stepped 50 00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:17.520 back when I heard his keys, just in time for 51 00:02:17.599 --> 00:02:20.759 him to come in, posture already set for performance. When 52 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:23.759 he saw me, the fleeting flicker of surprise quickly erased 53 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:25.439 by a smile so broad and natural it made me 54 00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:28.840 question whether I'd ever really known him at all. Hey, Babe, 55 00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:31.120 couldn't sleep, He asked, as if his coming home hours 56 00:02:31.159 --> 00:02:33.479 late was the most ordinary thing in the world. I 57 00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:36.360 was waiting up, I said, voice even. He sat down 58 00:02:36.360 --> 00:02:38.240 a paper bag a half feet and sandwich I could 59 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:40.319 see from where I stood, then took off his blazer, 60 00:02:40.439 --> 00:02:44.039 brushing invisible and from the sleeve. Sorry, the meeting ran late, 61 00:02:44.240 --> 00:02:46.520 and then you know, post Mordan drinks, if you should 62 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:49.919 have gone to bed. It's okay. I tried to sound casual, 63 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:52.840 almost amused. I figured you'd need someone to keep the 64 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:55.599 lights on. He grinned at that, but glanced away. When 65 00:02:55.639 --> 00:02:58.400 I met his eyes, he turned his lap up instead, 66 00:02:58.439 --> 00:03:02.039 snapping it close so quickly I was laughed. You look exhausted, 67 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:05.240 he said, not quite a question, not quite an apology. 68 00:03:05.800 --> 00:03:09.520 I shrugged. Long week, how the committee stuff go? He 69 00:03:09.560 --> 00:03:13.439 busied himself with a residual tidying and characteristically formal setting issue, 70 00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:15.879 straight lining the pile of mail, moving around the room 71 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:18.039 with an energy. It always fun, charming, but now felt 72 00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:21.319 like a shield. You know, the usual people talking in circles. 73 00:03:21.360 --> 00:03:23.360 Next year, maybe I'll stay out of it. Hey, is 74 00:03:23.400 --> 00:03:26.199 there any of that leftover curry? We moved past each 75 00:03:26.199 --> 00:03:28.199 other in the kitchen. Our body is slipping into practice. 76 00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:30.840 Ruydm's me boiling water for TEAHM searching the fridge with 77 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:33.960 unnecessary drama. I tried to catch his eye, but he 78 00:03:33.960 --> 00:03:36.280 had already decided to focus on meal prep, Having just 79 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:39.280 loud enough for conversation to feel like an interruption. We 80 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:41.560 ended up sitting together on the couch a little too 81 00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.039 far apart for comfort. In answering my questions with one 82 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:47.639 sentence summaries. I asked about the new committee members, whether 83 00:03:47.719 --> 00:03:51.120 MARSSA had finally finalized a sponsorless if anyone interesting had 84 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:54.439 shown up. He answered, barely any one worth remembering, and 85 00:03:54.520 --> 00:03:57.879 Marisa's being her usual perfections self and not really just 86 00:03:57.919 --> 00:04:00.879 a few newbies. He was home. There was no returning 87 00:04:01.479 --> 00:04:03.400 in two weeks before all of this, the cold distance, 88 00:04:03.560 --> 00:04:05.560 the late returns, and perfumed ere. There was the US 89 00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:09.080 I still sometimes dream about, sometimes swept up in sight 90 00:04:09.159 --> 00:04:11.560 plans or hashing out budgets at pause. And remember how 91 00:04:11.560 --> 00:04:14.199 we first collided at the Design explot two over caffeineated 92 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:18.360 junior arctics, sniping about material costs. We'd worked at rival firms, 93 00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:21.279 both sharp, hungry, talking over each other, and then laughing 94 00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.040 about it later when people asked how we met, James 95 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.399 would lace his fingers through mine and say we started 96 00:04:26.399 --> 00:04:29.120 by arguing over a poored concrete countertop and built from there. 97 00:04:29.639 --> 00:04:32.120 He'd been a spontaneous one, the planner who hated plans, 98 00:04:32.279 --> 00:04:34.720 darting out of serious meetings to huddle over concert sketches 99 00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:37.079 with a bottle of wine. I was the steady current 100 00:04:37.120 --> 00:04:39.759 to make a list horror, never missing a deadline, always 101 00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:42.399 quietly checking calculations. But he'd seen through the surface to 102 00:04:42.439 --> 00:04:45.480 the dreamer under it. The chemistry surprised both of us, 103 00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:48.680 as did our speed. Married at twenty five. Everyone at 104 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:50.800 the wedding said we looked a dangerous then in love, 105 00:04:50.959 --> 00:04:54.000 which made us laugh for months afterward. Seven years in 106 00:04:54.120 --> 00:04:57.480 the ordinary friction warsmooth. Our living room had shelves lined 107 00:04:57.519 --> 00:05:00.000 with travel souvenirs and frames, catches, a map of cities 108 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:03.279 we wanted to build in. Together. Sunday we battled over choices, 109 00:05:03.319 --> 00:05:05.920 both big and small, where to live, whose family to visit, 110 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:09.279 which project to prioritize, but always with an undercurrent of respect. 111 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:12.480 Sometimes I thought we stayed together by pure force of will, 112 00:05:12.759 --> 00:05:15.959 sometimes by luck, but mostly it was habit that's steady 113 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:19.959 and spoken loyalty. Sunday mornings were secred to movie marathons, coffee, 114 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:22.279 drunk on the balcony, repeating stupid child. He had jokes 115 00:05:22.319 --> 00:05:25.319 until one of us dissolved into laughter. Those rituals were 116 00:05:25.360 --> 00:05:27.319 our repair kiff. For everything that went wrong in a week, 117 00:05:27.959 --> 00:05:30.360 there was also our friend's circle, which James called the 118 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:34.560 Architects and prov troupe. Years of cristcross colleagues, caffeinated brainstorms, 119 00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:36.600 and after a work wine had solidified a group that 120 00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:40.519 felt closer than family, at least most days. Now, sometimes 121 00:05:40.680 --> 00:05:42.560 I'd look at those rituals and wonder when they started 122 00:05:42.600 --> 00:05:46.199 to feel performative. James's charm remained in diminished, at least 123 00:05:46.199 --> 00:05:48.439 among the group, always quick with a story, always the 124 00:05:48.439 --> 00:05:51.160 one turning small arguments into private jokes that lingo long 125 00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:54.720 after a party ended. Marisa, the event planner, whose energy 126 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:57.480 could light up a room, often gravitated to him. I'd 127 00:05:57.480 --> 00:05:59.040 pretend not to know this, the way she could get 128 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:01.319 him to blush with a single compliment, or how Jane's 129 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:03.720 so easy going with every one would sometimes grow competitive, 130 00:06:03.720 --> 00:06:05.480 whim her as it was around, as if needing to 131 00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:09.240 impress only her. I dismissed these thoughts at first, as insecurity. 132 00:06:09.879 --> 00:06:12.360 My mother divorced and gently bitter used to warn me, 133 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:15.199 never get too comfortable, honey. The second you do, life 134 00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:17.279 finds a way to knock you down a peg. I 135 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:19.360 used to roll my eyes, sure that our vituals would 136 00:06:19.360 --> 00:06:22.399 save us from the ordinary erosion. But some warnings echo 137 00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:25.720 louder when the ground under defeat starts to shift still. 138 00:06:25.839 --> 00:06:29.000 I told myself, I'd rather be trustworthy than suspicious. Even 139 00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.360 the most durable structures have a breaking point. The next morning, 140 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.439 as was our routine, we host a brunch for a 141 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:37.240 rotating cast of friends, this time our old university group, 142 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:39.920 all mid thirties, now scattered around the city, but loyal 143 00:06:39.959 --> 00:06:42.519 to pancakes in a bottomless pot of coffee. The air 144 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:44.800 was humid with warmth and the sound of blender eyes. 145 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:47.759 James was there making eggs, but he seemed to be 146 00:06:47.839 --> 00:06:50.279 cooking by muscle memory, eyes, flicking his phone again and 147 00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:53.519 again every few minutes. His hand darted under the tablecloth 148 00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:55.839 to check a buzzing phone, fingers composed as though hand 149 00:06:55.920 --> 00:06:58.800 in contraband. Alex was regaling us with dat and apt 150 00:06:58.839 --> 00:07:01.160 poor stories. He'd somehow man managed to get catfish twice 151 00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:03.680 that Montois Maris has snorted into her mimosa. He kneed 152 00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:07.439 better screening strategies, Man, James offered a half laugh, than 153 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:10.720 abruptly changed the subject. So anyone going to that rooftop 154 00:07:10.800 --> 00:07:15.160 expision next week? Usually he relished these debates about art installations, 155 00:07:15.240 --> 00:07:17.399 but now his eyes were distant, tracing something on the 156 00:07:17.399 --> 00:07:20.600 far wall. I leaned closer to whisper everything, all right, 157 00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:23.399 you are not usually a morning zombie. He flashed a 158 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:26.560 smile that didn't quite reach the corners. It just tired. 159 00:07:26.680 --> 00:07:29.199 Work's been crazy busy. He told me about his new 160 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:32.279 charity gala initiative. That Langley a group project, organizing an 161 00:07:32.279 --> 00:07:35.519 annual event for a pretty exclusive client list. He'd always 162 00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:38.839 dismissed those things as corporate chest puffing. When Marissa Grindam 163 00:07:38.879 --> 00:07:41.480 poked his side, look at you, party planner, he coughed 164 00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:43.560 out a too loud laugh and protested. I was forced 165 00:07:43.560 --> 00:07:46.480 totally conscript it to blay Manny from Finance. The sound 166 00:07:46.519 --> 00:07:48.720 came out strained, and for half a second I saw 167 00:07:48.759 --> 00:07:51.279 something flash across Norris's face and inside joke, I wasn't 168 00:07:51.319 --> 00:07:53.759 in awn, or maybe just the amusement of someone seeing 169 00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:56.279 a friend's squirm I couldn't name more about it hit 170 00:07:56.319 --> 00:07:59.160 me wrong. I only knew I felt outside of the moment, 171 00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:02.639 watching them from a disas stance. That afternoon, James disappeared 172 00:08:02.680 --> 00:08:05.000 into the second bedroom with his laptop, pressing the door 173 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:08.120 mostly but pointedly not fully closed. He called out that 174 00:08:08.160 --> 00:08:10.680 he had to finalize design renderings for the gala, and 175 00:08:10.720 --> 00:08:13.000 I made a show of believing him. When I walked 176 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:15.560 in an hour later with tea, he clicked frantically through screens, 177 00:08:15.639 --> 00:08:19.120 windows closing too fast for me to follow. He looked up, surprised, 178 00:08:19.160 --> 00:08:23.040 poorly feigned Hey babe, thanks, I'm neck deep in this thing. Sorry. 179 00:08:23.639 --> 00:08:26.160 I set the mug down, watching him arrange his expression 180 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:29.959 into gratitude, his body cull protectively over the laptop, shoulders 181 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:32.879 angled away from me. On his deathtop, I glimpsed a 182 00:08:32.919 --> 00:08:34.960 chad application, too quick to read the names before it 183 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:38.440 whisked itself away behind a stack of design schematics. Anything 184 00:08:38.440 --> 00:08:41.039 I can do, I tried, as cheerfully as I could. 185 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:44.879 He blinked, then shook his head. Naw, just slogging for 186 00:08:44.960 --> 00:08:48.840 sponsor requests, nothing exciting. For a while, I convinced myself 187 00:08:48.840 --> 00:08:51.960 it was just stress. We'd had hard months before, deadlines, 188 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:55.720 client meldowns, even laves, but work had never made him distant. 189 00:08:56.440 --> 00:08:59.000 If anything, we pulled together a fortress of two against 190 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:02.000 the world. Now I felt like an assistant being humored 191 00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:05.320 rather than a teammate worth confiding in. Still I managed 192 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:08.600 to believe him because the alternative felt absurd. You trust 193 00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:10.279 the person you build a life with, because to do 194 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:13.279 otherwise is to unravel everything you've worked for together. But 195 00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:17.039 unease isn't polite. He keeps circling back, making the ordinary 196 00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:21.559 suddenly inexplicable. The late nights became routine. Jint blamed sight 197 00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:24.799 visits or last minute drinks after meetings. He'd leave at 198 00:09:24.799 --> 00:09:26.679 seven with the promise to be home by ten, then 199 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:28.879 text at eleven at meetings are running over, but I'll 200 00:09:28.879 --> 00:09:31.600 be home as soon as I can. I started noticing 201 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:33.759 his calendar left open on the counter, now clotted with 202 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:37.559 color coded blocks off site planning, a strategy, a vendor meeting. 203 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:40.639 Some days, two or three of these appeared out of nowhere, 204 00:09:40.759 --> 00:09:44.120 wedged in with barely twenty minutes between them. I justified 205 00:09:44.159 --> 00:09:47.759 it for a while. Langley had a new director, high expectations, 206 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:50.559 maybe a new project on the side. But as the 207 00:09:50.559 --> 00:09:52.960 weeks wore on, I found myself waiting for texts longer 208 00:09:53.000 --> 00:09:56.039 and longer. One Thursday, I called him just after ten, 209 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:58.159 only to be met with a clipped stack cant he 210 00:09:58.320 --> 00:10:01.600 batteries going Sorry, babe. The call died before I could 211 00:10:01.639 --> 00:10:04.120 ask whether he wanted me to save him dinner. A 212 00:10:04.120 --> 00:10:06.600 group dinner couple weeks later in impromptu Korea and B 213 00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:08.759 B C with our closest friends, James looked like he 214 00:10:08.799 --> 00:10:11.799 hadn't slept in two days. He nursed a single beer, 215 00:10:11.960 --> 00:10:14.720 picking at his food. When Marius Es strolled in half 216 00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:16.759 an hour late, she cast a look toward him, fleeting 217 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:19.679 but charged, as if confirming something I'd missed. When I 218 00:10:19.679 --> 00:10:21.519 asked about the gale his final day to detail there, 219 00:10:21.639 --> 00:10:24.519 weeks into planning should have been settled, James said, exchanging 220 00:10:24.559 --> 00:10:27.120 all the time, can't keep it straight. His eyes slid 221 00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:30.080 right past mine as he said it. It wasn't until Alex, 222 00:10:30.159 --> 00:10:32.240 ever the last to notice anything, caught me by the 223 00:10:32.320 --> 00:10:34.679 arm by the refrigerator that I realized how obvious changes 224 00:10:34.840 --> 00:10:38.480 changes were becoming. Hey, Tora, is everything cool with you? Too? James? 225 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:41.399 Seems I dunno like out of sink. He barely drinks 226 00:10:41.399 --> 00:10:44.559 with this anymore's dress. I shrugged and muttered work, But 227 00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:47.440 that small word sounded less like comfort and more like deflection. 228 00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:50.200 It took three more nights of James coming home already 229 00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:52.240 in dressing at the front door, shoes kicked off before 230 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:54.240 I could even see his face. For me to start 231 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:57.440 asking the questions out loud, not to him, never directly, 232 00:10:57.639 --> 00:10:59.519 not yet, but to myself in the mirror. Was this 233 00:10:59.519 --> 00:11:02.879 what growing in a part looked like? The erosion wasn't dramatic. 234 00:11:03.559 --> 00:11:06.799 It was a thousand half turned conversations, tiny evasions gone 235 00:11:06.840 --> 00:11:09.759 before I could press. Then a series of small things 236 00:11:09.799 --> 00:11:12.679 began to stack up. James had never cared about his 237 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:14.720 linked in, but suddenly I saw his phone light up 238 00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:17.399 with notifications from the upper woman named Rachel prove Alferto, 239 00:11:17.440 --> 00:11:19.639 of sleek black hair and a laughing smile, was suddenly 240 00:11:19.639 --> 00:11:23.360 liking every professional post James shared. She was the internet 241 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:25.879 revealed a recent transfer to Langley from the from San 242 00:11:25.919 --> 00:11:29.960 Francisco office specialty in hospitality design. Her comments were full 243 00:11:29.960 --> 00:11:31.799 of office and jokes and emojis that felt just a 244 00:11:31.799 --> 00:11:35.039 little too private. One night, after a glass of wine warm, 245 00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:37.600 both my suspicions and one er have asked him, who's Rachel. 246 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:40.200 She seems new at Langley. She's all over your notifications, 247 00:11:40.759 --> 00:11:44.799 He shrugged, the perfect picture of nonchalance. Though, yeah, transfer 248 00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:46.879 from the West Coast. She's fine, a little intense with 249 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:50.039 social media, but harmless, he smiled, but it flickered at 250 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:52.720 the corners. Honestly, he'd be the first to know if 251 00:11:52.720 --> 00:11:55.399 anything exciting was going on. I left it there and 252 00:11:55.480 --> 00:11:57.960 we fell asleep, back to back, each pretending we convinced 253 00:11:57.960 --> 00:12:00.799 the other. A few days later, I glanced through our 254 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:03.600 shed finances while at dating invisies from my solo projects. 255 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:05.639 James had always been lucky about money, but we still 256 00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:08.360 kept an eye on things. There were ride share receipts 257 00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:11.080 late at night, locations out by the river, no offices 258 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:14.200 anywhere near. There were restaurant charges from places that had 259 00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:16.960 never come up in our shared recommendations, and three small 260 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:20.039 at m of drolls, odd for someone who barely use cash. 261 00:12:20.440 --> 00:12:22.799 When I asked, joking if we'd taken up cash only 262 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:25.120 gambling on the side, James snorted, the guys make me 263 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.080 get round sometimes, that's all Old schoolers hate, splitting checks 264 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:32.440 by app another flicker, another evasion. One Sunday evening, I 265 00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:34.559 came in quietly from the balcony and heard James in 266 00:12:34.600 --> 00:12:37.679 the spare bedroom door, mosely, shot, voicelow and smooth as honey. 267 00:12:38.159 --> 00:12:40.360 He was laughing gently, the way he sometimes did with 268 00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:42.320 me in the early ears. The sound withered now by 269 00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:45.559 fatigue and something else I couldn't place. I stood outside, 270 00:12:45.639 --> 00:12:48.600 hot thumping until I heard him murmur, yeah, I'll let 271 00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:51.840 you know tomorrow, maybe same place. Then a pause and 272 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:55.679 a warm of course o que night, then silence. I 273 00:12:55.720 --> 00:12:59.039 waited a few beats before opening the door. He nearly jumped, 274 00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:03.480 wrapping up, He said too quickly, who was that? Ask 275 00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:07.159 voice level work? He be bored, bunch of us coordinating 276 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:09.919 something for the gala? Sorry, did I wik you? We 277 00:13:09.960 --> 00:13:12.120 stood for an awkward beat until I broke the tension. 278 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:14.759 Not just about to come in any way, lawn day. 279 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:17.639 He nodded the conversation's finish, as if he drawn a 280 00:13:17.639 --> 00:13:21.000 line under it. After that, I noticed password appearing on 281 00:13:21.039 --> 00:13:22.919 devices that had been opened for as long as we 282 00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:26.240 cheered them. He updated as phone's p I n the 283 00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:29.399 honest late night conversations about our projects, our plans, the 284 00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:32.919 things that bound us together became sparse, hesitant. Every word 285 00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:34.960 started to feel deliberate, as if we were marking the 286 00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:36.960 floor between us so we'd know we're not to step. 287 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:39.919 I wasn't sure what worried me most, the possibility that 288 00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:42.720 James had secrets or the certainty that our easy intimacy 289 00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:45.200 was evaporating, replaced by the one thing had always sworn 290 00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:48.080 we'd never need in our marriage, privacy. The week leading 291 00:13:48.120 --> 00:13:50.159 up to the gala was a feverish churn of anxiety. 292 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:52.399 Part of me desperate to drag the truth into the open, 293 00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:55.240 part of me terrified I'd rude everything over nothing. In 294 00:13:55.320 --> 00:13:58.000 a moment of our self disclosure, I called Nina best friend, 295 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:00.320 full of secrets, the only person I hadn't felt the 296 00:14:00.360 --> 00:14:03.440 need to perform bravery for. I told her, voice low, 297 00:14:03.480 --> 00:14:06.240 about James's late nights, the strange expenses, the shift in 298 00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:08.759 his eyes. When Mersa was in the room, she listened, 299 00:14:08.879 --> 00:14:12.960 not interrupting. Finally, she said, maybe he's not hiding a person. 300 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:15.120 Maybe it's a crisis at work, or he's trying to 301 00:14:15.159 --> 00:14:17.360 impress a boss, or he's depressed and doesn't want to 302 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:19.399 admit it. He know, James, he only likes being the 303 00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:21.960 golden boy. That should have sued me, but it only 304 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:24.799 made me feel lonelier. Still, Gil prodded at me for 305 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:28.559 even suspecting him. I found myself over compensating, telling James 306 00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:30.159 in the days before the gala that I was proud 307 00:14:30.200 --> 00:14:31.799 of him that I wanted him to do well, that 308 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:33.840 if he needed any help with his presentation, I could 309 00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:36.919 offer designer's second set of eyes. I watched as he 310 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:40.080 let himself relax just for a moment, letting me into 311 00:14:40.080 --> 00:14:42.120 his work in the same way he used to. We 312 00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:45.639 practiced his talking points after punctuating the awkwardness when he 313 00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:48.720 stumbled over the sponsor's name. For a few hours I 314 00:14:48.759 --> 00:14:51.320 almost believed we were back at the beginning. The night 315 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:53.399 of the gala, I dressed with extra care, aware of 316 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:55.720 a longing I came from, wanting to impress your own husband. 317 00:14:56.279 --> 00:14:58.440 I wore deep green dresses favorite on me, and even 318 00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:00.679 as I fussed with my hair, I remind kind to myself, 319 00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:02.919 if everything to night feels normal, I'll let this go. 320 00:15:03.679 --> 00:15:06.440 I'll believe it was all stress and shadows, not something darker. 321 00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:09.799 James was radiant at the event, center of easy conversation, 322 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:13.080 making everyone feel seen. He introduced me to his colleagues, 323 00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:15.919 Rachel among them, shaking my hand with practiced, polite warmth. 324 00:15:16.440 --> 00:15:19.039 She seemed oblivious to any tension, and James acted as 325 00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:20.720 though we were the most in love couple in the room. 326 00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:24.559 During the opening speeches, he squeezed my hand, whispering under 327 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:27.279 his breath when something dull dragged unto long, making me 328 00:15:27.320 --> 00:15:28.799 snort and draw a look from some one at a 329 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.879 nearby table. For two hours, it felt like a reprieve. 330 00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:34.799 The laughter we shared, the memory of belonging to one 331 00:15:34.840 --> 00:15:38.200 another draped itself over us like a worn blanket. When 332 00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:40.600 people took photos. His arm wrapped round my waist as 333 00:15:40.679 --> 00:15:43.200 naturally as it always had. For a moment, I let 334 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:46.320 myself drop my guard. But there are always cracks if 335 00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:48.840 you know word to look. Late in the evening, as 336 00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:51.159 the party started to thin out, I excuse myself to 337 00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:53.559 the powder room, and on my return spotted James on 338 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:56.600 the neatly let patio out back with Marissa. Their faces 339 00:15:56.600 --> 00:15:59.759 were inches apart. The air between them charged her expression urgent. 340 00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:02.799 I watched hard in my throat as Mersa reached out 341 00:16:02.799 --> 00:16:05.360 to touch his sleeve. He shrugged her hand off, then 342 00:16:05.399 --> 00:16:07.480 turned away, but the energy between them was as vivid 343 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:10.360 as a shouted conversation. Neither of them saw me. A 344 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:13.320 froze waiting, then retreated back to the ball room, smile 345 00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:15.799 on my face so nobody could see the termoil underneath. 346 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:19.159 We took a cap home together that night, James was 347 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:22.360 unusually quiet, tens and nodding his jaw. When I tried 348 00:16:22.360 --> 00:16:24.759 to catch his eye, he cleaned fatigue and closed his eyes, 349 00:16:24.840 --> 00:16:27.879 feigning sleep. I turned and watched the city blow by 350 00:16:28.039 --> 00:16:31.039 slights no brighter than the darkest inside our car. After 351 00:16:31.120 --> 00:16:33.600 James went to shower, I found myself treading an old 352 00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:36.120 craving the need to know the truth. I waited until 353 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:38.360 the sound of rushing water filled the bathroom, then sat 354 00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:40.639 at his desk to open his messenger aps, driven by 355 00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:43.159 dread that made my hand shake. The first thing I 356 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:45.679 found was a folder marked Committee, inside which were not 357 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:48.840 just spridsheets, but screenchots of chack conversations, mostly group messages 358 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:51.600 about venue details, but sprinkled among them with direct threads 359 00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:53.679 Marris's name at the top. A cascade of late night 360 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:57.799 messages I scrawled, telling myself I was only confirming my suspicions, 361 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:00.679 not dragging myself deeper into winnipis that would be impossible 362 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:03.919 to unsee. The messages with Mercer were suggestive, full of 363 00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:06.000 in jokes and references that never showed up in our 364 00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:09.559 group dinners. Scrolling upward, I caught lines from James like, 365 00:17:09.759 --> 00:17:11.720 you always know how to talk me down. Don't tell 366 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:14.240 Tory you're my secret therapist, and Mercer replying you'd be 367 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:17.559 lost without me. I'm almost darting to like it. Further along, 368 00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:20.279 discussions about meeting before the others get there, making fun 369 00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:22.559 of the boring crowd, and in one moment at May 370 00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:25.160 Time Freeze a reference to that bet that Olivers. Don't 371 00:17:25.160 --> 00:17:26.880 think I'll ever look at that place the same way 372 00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:30.240 af till last week. I pulled back, trembling, unwilling to 373 00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:32.880 see more, but then curiosity had already changed its color 374 00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:36.720 to desperation. There were also threads with Rachel, less subvertly flirtatious, 375 00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:40.160 but similarly intimate, late night exchanges about work, confessions about 376 00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:42.759 career frustrations, a photo of a city rooftop at sunset 377 00:17:42.759 --> 00:17:44.920 with the caption best view in the city. Wish you 378 00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:47.880 were here, James had replied, the next time, give me 379 00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:50.759 more warning, wouldn't want to miss it. The next afternoon, 380 00:17:50.759 --> 00:17:54.079 a piece together time minds, cross referencing Youber receipts and 381 00:17:54.119 --> 00:17:57.200 account of blocks. It was obvious every off site planning 382 00:17:57.240 --> 00:17:59.359 session had been an opportunity for James to meet either 383 00:17:59.400 --> 00:18:03.400 Mirsa or Rachel, sometimes both. I saw in their exchanges 384 00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:06.200 references to dinners James had claimed were working group take 385 00:18:06.240 --> 00:18:08.519 out to venues I'd never heard of, to private rooftop drinks. 386 00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:12.480 After the real meetings had ended, I still hesitated. Part 387 00:18:12.519 --> 00:18:14.960 of me refused to believe the evidence, insisting that maybe 388 00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:17.599 they were just decompressing together, that affairs could happen in 389 00:18:17.640 --> 00:18:20.799 the heart but never cross physical boundaries. Maybe I was 390 00:18:20.839 --> 00:18:24.160 confusing emotion on necessity with intent, But that night my 391 00:18:24.200 --> 00:18:26.839 fear morphed into something sharper need to know finally and 392 00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:29.480 for certain, instead of living with the slow rod of suspicion. 393 00:18:29.960 --> 00:18:32.720 When James left for another strategy session at Langley, I 394 00:18:32.759 --> 00:18:34.759 called and sick to my own project meeting and waited 395 00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:37.200 until he'd left the building. Watching from behind a cafe 396 00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:40.160 window on a chilly Wednesday, I saw him across the street, 397 00:18:40.200 --> 00:18:42.519 standing uncertainly at the edge of the curb phone tz 398 00:18:42.519 --> 00:18:45.799 ear minutes later, Oris and Rachel joined him, when after 399 00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:48.279 the other, each dressed casually, but a mistakealy intimate in 400 00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:51.200 their laughter at their share privacy. I watched as the 401 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:54.000