1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,040
Speaker 1: When your old career gives you lemons throwing some ice,

2
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:10,880
mix in some vodka colored a podcast from the Mac

3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,640
of All Trade Studio in Fairport and driven by Victor

4
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:33,679
Chrysler Dots jeep Ram. It's Billified the Bill Moran Podcast. Well,

5
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,640
hello and welcome. Thank you for getting your pot on,

6
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,960
Thanks for telling a friend. That's how we've spread the

7
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:44,759
word about the Pirate Ship. Tell you be a little different.

8
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,520
You got me, And you know I have talked about

9
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,640
my love of drinking, like the social setting. I like

10
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:58,000
the people, you know, I enjoyed that even in our

11
00:00:58,039 --> 00:01:02,000
open life gives you lemon some bock in it. No

12
00:01:02,079 --> 00:01:05,599
where we go right? And I will say this, most

13
00:01:05,719 --> 00:01:10,400
people think alcohol causes bad behavior. And I think that's

14
00:01:10,439 --> 00:01:15,480
the most comforting lie that we tell ourselves because in

15
00:01:15,519 --> 00:01:19,640
that instance, alcohol gives us permission to stop managing parts

16
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,840
of ourselves we already struggle with, right, whether be self esteem,

17
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,920
maybe avoidance, you name it, put a name on it,

18
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:31,879
whatever you're struggling with. And when we use drinking as

19
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:38,239
an excuse, we miss the opportunity to actually grow. Why

20
00:01:39,359 --> 00:01:44,439
because when we blame alcohol, it deflects painful self awareness,

21
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,519
any shame, that we had. Now I was drunk, responsibility

22
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:53,280
for negative consequences, right, allowing for continued drinking. Right, And

23
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:57,680
then you can frame alcohol as a solution or external

24
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,239
force rather than the choice. It was me. It's the alcohol.

25
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:08,400
It's a great psychological buffer, allowing people to frame aggression,

26
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:14,280
risky sexual actions as separate from their core self. That's

27
00:02:14,319 --> 00:02:19,199
what alcohol does, shifting responsibility and avoiding the shame of

28
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:23,759
being seen as inherently bad, maybe a deviant, well, I

29
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:28,240
don't know, whatever you're doing. Put the sheep down an alcoholic, right,

30
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:32,240
you don't want to be called that. That's identity deflection.

31
00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:38,000
We deny problems to maintain a positive self image. If

32
00:02:38,039 --> 00:02:40,680
alcohol is the cause, I don't have to look deeper.

33
00:02:40,879 --> 00:02:45,639
I know what the cause is. I'm not so sure

34
00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:50,759
about that. This weekend I had a lot. I had

35
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:54,000
some fun, Yeah I did. I had a moment where

36
00:02:54,159 --> 00:02:59,199
alcohol was certainly involved. And when I look back, harm happened.

37
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,759
And that's why I really thought a lot about this.

38
00:03:02,879 --> 00:03:04,919
And I thought, I think I got to do this

39
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,719
one on my own, because there were three things that

40
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,680
happened at once for me, and I noticed how quickly

41
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:16,199
my mind reached for the explanation. I was drinking. That's

42
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:19,479
why I reacted that way. Someone was very upset with

43
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,280
me over what I thought was kind of trivial a

44
00:03:22,319 --> 00:03:27,319
business matter, but to them it wasn't right. And it

45
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,039
hit me at a moment that I wasn't ready. At

46
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,960
the same time, like almost the exact same moment, I

47
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,680
had a family member do something that deeply concerned me

48
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,319
and they weren't listening, and it was really kind of

49
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:46,080
frustrating me. And I misread a text and I responded

50
00:03:47,439 --> 00:03:52,520
rather coldly when I didn't when I normally wouldn't because

51
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,840
I wouldn't have misread it. I wouldn't do that. And

52
00:03:55,879 --> 00:03:58,639
these were things that were all again happening at once,

53
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:05,240
Wow drinking, and I responded in a way that caused harm.

54
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,159
But the explanation didn't actually explain the behavior. It just

55
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:15,520
kind of closed the case. And that's when I had

56
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,240
to think a lot about this. I had to stop

57
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:22,240
and actually pay attention, and I realized how often we

58
00:04:22,319 --> 00:04:29,319
all do this right, Because what do we say about alcohol?

59
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:33,240
It doesn't create. It reveals that's really what it is.

60
00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,319
It doesn't create. It reveals how many times did you

61
00:04:35,399 --> 00:04:38,839
drink because you felt looser. Your inhibitions are gone. Of

62
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,000
course you feel looser. How about the person who's so

63
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,600
funny when they're drunk, but is a little more quiet

64
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,040
and reserve because they probably wouldn't say those things. Inhibition

65
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,519
is basically your internal brake system. It's the part of

66
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:54,600
you that lets you pause, kind of filter and choose

67
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,480
instead of just reacting. And how many times did this

68
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:01,439
podcast have I said your knee jerk reaction is usually

69
00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:08,160
the wrong reaction at alcohol. Inhibition's gone, there's no break system.

70
00:05:08,439 --> 00:05:12,040
Inhibition is what allows you to think, maybe not that

71
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,600
before you say or do something that you can't take back.

72
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,800
Maybe not that, maybe I shouldn't do that. And when

73
00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:22,439
you think about regulation, it takes work right, It requires attention.

74
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,399
You got to be restrained a little bit. You have

75
00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:28,839
to have some restraint. Not your you're restrained, you know,

76
00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,240
but I mean in a way, it's like mental handcuffs

77
00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:35,439
on you. I gotta restrain that and stay there. Your

78
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,480
brain has to override automatic reactions right and stay oriented

79
00:05:39,759 --> 00:05:43,160
towards something bigger than what's happening in that moment. That's

80
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:47,560
the kind of control. It isn't passive. It cost energy.

81
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,519
That kind of control cost energy because it's not a

82
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,959
passive one. Your mind is always working. You got that,

83
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:57,160
you know, and so alcohol doesn't change what you care about.

84
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,959
It changes how hard it is to act in line

85
00:06:00,959 --> 00:06:06,439
with it. Come on, man, alcohol doesn't insert thoughts. It

86
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:10,839
removes the friction. It's a nice lubrican, right, say whatever

87
00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:13,399
you really wanted? Ever have that done to get Someone

88
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,560
comes up drunk and says they really want it. Maybe

89
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:21,040
you've done it and realized the harm. You calls how

90
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,959
do you get back from that? That's kind of the thing,

91
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,920
you know. It's like the editor leaves the room, not

92
00:06:28,079 --> 00:06:32,879
the author. The author is still there spitting it out.

93
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:38,360
Your values are still there when you're drunk, but the

94
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:42,399
effort required to live by them is a little harder

95
00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:48,240
to access. So when you're drinking, I always think the

96
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:56,120
brain gets mentally nearsighted. Tone gets misread, intent gets guessed right,

97
00:06:56,199 --> 00:06:59,639
your guess that you have no idea meaning gets filled

98
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:05,199
instead of checked out or checked right. You want to

99
00:07:05,199 --> 00:07:06,959
be able to kind of put it in check there.

100
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:11,920
At the same time, your brain becomes more defensive. You

101
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,800
ever notice that you become way more defensive when you've

102
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:21,360
had a certain amount of alcohol, neutral cues can start

103
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:27,360
to feel loaded, and ambiguity starts to feel like danger

104
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:36,360
and something isn't clear, it feels like danger. Alcohol narrows

105
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:45,120
perspective and raises suspicion. Nuance requires complexity. Nuance disappears when

106
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,160
you're drinking. Complexity is one of the first things that

107
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:56,040
it's gone. When you're drinking, it is gone. You get

108
00:07:56,079 --> 00:08:00,240
fewer shades of gray, and things become, at least in

109
00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:08,680
your reactions, more black and white. Subtly takes regulation. Alcohol

110
00:08:08,759 --> 00:08:11,279
makes regulation actually expensive, you know what I mean, It

111
00:08:11,279 --> 00:08:13,959
really does because you can't really do it, so it

112
00:08:13,959 --> 00:08:17,959
becomes expensive to not have that. Think of it like

113
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,519
a dimmer switch. Got a dimmer switch anywhere in your house.

114
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:28,360
Alcohol doesn't change the room. It lowers the lighting, right,

115
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:34,039
it lowers the lighting. You see the same thing. When

116
00:08:34,039 --> 00:08:39,039
you're exhausted or overwhelmed. You have less patience, faster reactions,

117
00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:45,440
shorter fuse. That's not a moral failure. And that's the

118
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,720
thing is that you can't beat yourself up. It's not

119
00:08:47,759 --> 00:08:56,000
a moral failure. That's depleted regulation. Responsibility is not the

120
00:08:56,039 --> 00:08:59,840
same thing as self attack. One leads to growth, the

121
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,279
other shuts people down. That's really kind of a very

122
00:09:03,279 --> 00:09:10,720
important thing to think about. Right, you're thinking about taking responsibility,

123
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:16,679
it's not self attack. It leads to growth. Self attack

124
00:09:18,399 --> 00:09:25,440
shuts people down. Most people don't avoid responsibility because they're careless.

125
00:09:26,159 --> 00:09:32,159
They avoid it because somewhere along the way, responsibility became painful.

126
00:09:32,879 --> 00:09:35,639
That's why it's so easy to blame alcol I was drunk.

127
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:40,679
What do you mean gold? You know me? For some people,

128
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:50,639
responsibility punishment. For others, responsibility meant rejection or humiliation. Avoidance

129
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:55,000
is often protection, not denial. Absolutely, you're not denying this.

130
00:09:55,519 --> 00:09:57,960
I mean I think about that that in your on life,

131
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,039
all the things that we avoid. Sometimes alcohol can help

132
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,840
us do that, and then we can blame the alcohol

133
00:10:02,879 --> 00:10:05,080
and it's not really us. We get to preserve our

134
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:12,840
ego and then think about like shame, Right, Shame doesn't teach.

135
00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:19,720
Shame threatens. It turns reflection into survival. And when you're

136
00:10:19,799 --> 00:10:25,120
in survival mode, you're not changing. Growth stops there's nothing there.

137
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,639
Shame does attack who you are as a person, not

138
00:10:29,799 --> 00:10:32,879
what you did. Here's the thing, a lot of adults

139
00:10:33,919 --> 00:10:41,799
still hear the word accountability as you're in trouble, not repair,

140
00:10:42,919 --> 00:10:50,440
not learning, consequences. But real accountability isn't about paying a price.

141
00:10:51,039 --> 00:10:55,600
It's about staying present with what happened long enough to

142
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,440
actually change. That's what you're looking for, is change. You

143
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,320
can keep doing the same thing over and over again,

144
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:06,519
you're gonna get the same results, different players, same story.

145
00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:11,639
Responsibility held with shame collapses us. Responsibility held with clarity

146
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:17,000
actually frees us. Let me say that again. Responsibility held

147
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:22,960
with shame collapses US. Responsibility held with clarity frees us

148
00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:30,080
because you understand what you're doing. Take responsibility right. Taking

149
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:34,279
responsibility doesn't mean you're bad. It means you're honest. That's

150
00:11:34,399 --> 00:11:42,039
the difference. You're honest. I see what I did. When

151
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:47,519
there's no alcohol, you can still have the same thing.

152
00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:50,519
You ever see anybody over react? Maybe something you post

153
00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:55,200
it online. Maybe a partner is upset about something you did.

154
00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:59,639
I don't know. It's the emotion, though, is disproportionate to

155
00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:04,000
the act moment. This is the same pattern, just without

156
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:09,279
the substance. Right, you get an intense, overwhelming surge of emotion.

157
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,200
You ever have that yourself, like an intense sense of

158
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,879
fear instead of saying in the moment or anger, maybe

159
00:12:15,919 --> 00:12:19,120
even anxiety about what's going to come next, and it

160
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,879
triggers your body's fight or flight response, and it shuts

161
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:29,480
down rational thinking and guess what's gone. Any effective communication,

162
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:35,720
almost any action is nearly impossible. And a lot of

163
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:40,120
times when people overreact, what's usually happening isn't a loss

164
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:46,480
of control. It's a loss of time perspective. Something in

165
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:50,000
the present moment touches something unfinished from the past, and

166
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:55,240
suddenly the nervous system isn't responding to now anymore. I

167
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,320
call this old material getting activated. Do you ever have that?

168
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,519
And a lot of times when we drink, old material

169
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,039
is anything we didn't fully process when it happened, You

170
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:10,799
got hurt, There was shame, fear, rejection, powerlessness. It doesn't disappear,

171
00:13:11,519 --> 00:13:14,960
it just goes quiet. And when something in the present

172
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:19,519
feels similar enough, it could be a tone, a word,

173
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:25,480
a look, a perceived slight, the body reacts as if

174
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:28,879
the old moment is happening again. Right, I know this,

175
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,559
I know how this feels right, and you get defensive

176
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,320
or you get just ugly. That's why the reaction feels

177
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,360
bigger than the situation. It is bigger than the situation.

178
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:45,200
It's carrying more history than the moment deserves. The reaction

179
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,559
to stuff isn't wrong, it's misplaced. It belongs in an

180
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,600
earlier chapter of who you were. When old material gets activated,

181
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,840
the present becomes a stand in, so the person in

182
00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:59,919
front of us becomes a symbol and the response comes

183
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:04,080
from an older version of ourselves. That's why when you

184
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:08,120
say to somebody, calm down, it never fucking works ever. Right,

185
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,440
some people can say, how pissed off do you get

186
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:14,120
when somebody goes calm down? Especially when you're drunk. You

187
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:18,039
can't calm something that thinks it's still under a threat.

188
00:14:21,399 --> 00:14:24,159
Understanding this doesn't excuse harm, That's not what I'm saying,

189
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,440
but it does explain why people can feel genuinely confused

190
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,879
after like why did I react like that? Right? Why

191
00:14:33,879 --> 00:14:37,759
did I react like that? I don't understand because the

192
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:43,519
reaction wasn't about what happened, It was about what got remembered.

193
00:14:46,679 --> 00:14:50,919
Reactions are about history. They're not about moments, especially big ones,

194
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,399
and it doesn't have to be when you're drunk, but

195
00:14:54,679 --> 00:14:59,519
that's what we're talking about, and we externalize responsibility on

196
00:14:59,559 --> 00:15:04,399
things all the time. Most avoidance is not dramatic at all.

197
00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:10,279
It's pretty quiet, right, and it's usually misunderstood. We tend

198
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,399
to think avoidance means running away from something, or more often,

199
00:15:14,519 --> 00:15:25,120
it means redirecting responsibility when something uncomfortable happens, when we

200
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:30,039
hurt someone, when we overreact, or when we act out

201
00:15:30,039 --> 00:15:34,679
of alignment with who we are responsibility for. That creates

202
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:39,799
tension inside of us. Not guilty exactly, more like pressure,

203
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:49,480
and human beings are very good at relieving pressure. Externalizing

204
00:15:49,559 --> 00:15:52,320
responsibility is one of the fastest ways to do that.

205
00:15:53,639 --> 00:15:58,159
When we say I was drunk, or I was angry,

206
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,879
or I was stressed, what we're really saying is I

207
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,000
don't want to sit with what this says about me.

208
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,759
I don't want to sit with what this says about me,

209
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:17,679
so I can deflect. Those explanations always feel true, right,

210
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:24,759
but they're incomplete because when you're externalizing responsibility doesn't mean

211
00:16:24,799 --> 00:16:31,279
we're lying. It means we're prioritizing emotional relief over understanding.

212
00:16:31,879 --> 00:16:34,279
We just want to feel better, that's it. I don't

213
00:16:34,279 --> 00:16:40,039
want to understand the situation right. Blame works quickly, insight

214
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:47,200
works slowly. Avoidance isn't weakness, it's protection. It's a shield.

215
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:54,360
At some point in many of our lives. Taking responsibility

216
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:59,000
felt unsafe. Maybe it meant punishment, Right, you did something

217
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,720
to take responsibilit you Sually we're in trouble how many times?

218
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,240
Or a coach you're responsible for this, or a teacher

219
00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:07,599
or whatever. Maybe it meant rejection because now all of

220
00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:09,720
a sudden, you're the bad person because you did that.

221
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:16,599
Maybe it meant shame. So we learn to move responsibility

222
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:24,079
outward onto substances alcohol or to emotions, or to certain circumstances.

223
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,519
And we're not doing it to avoid growth. We're trying

224
00:17:28,519 --> 00:17:35,240
to avoid pain. That shit sucks. It's painful. Any kind

225
00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:40,680
of self growth sucks. It just does at times. I

226
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,559
don't think even all the time. You can feel good

227
00:17:42,599 --> 00:17:44,680
at times, but think about that. Why do people stay

228
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:50,799
in what's called their comfort zone? Right? The problem is

229
00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:54,200
whatever we move outside ourselves, and when we do that,

230
00:17:54,279 --> 00:17:58,759
we also lose the ability to actually change. If alcohol

231
00:17:58,839 --> 00:18:01,160
cost it, I can't work on it. I mean, come on,

232
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,640
what do you want me to do? I love to drink.

233
00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:08,079
Anger caused it. I can't regulate it. I get angry.

234
00:18:08,319 --> 00:18:10,160
I got a hot temper. You ever hear that I

235
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,759
got a hot temper? The Irish temper as I was

236
00:18:12,799 --> 00:18:17,799
always told, if stress caused it, I can't address it.

237
00:18:17,799 --> 00:18:20,279
It's stress, it's just life, it's just what happened. And

238
00:18:20,319 --> 00:18:24,960
so we externalize responsibility. It gives us relief, and I

239
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:30,200
really think, honestly, it cost us. Agency. Growth begins the

240
00:18:30,279 --> 00:18:36,960
moment we are willing to hold responsibility without attacking ourselves.

241
00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:44,279
My friends, that's not blame. That's adulting, right, it's adulting.

242
00:18:52,319 --> 00:18:58,960
That's why substances, emotions, stress the all workers' shields. We're

243
00:18:59,039 --> 00:19:01,359
hiding from something. Call it takes us to a fun place.

244
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:06,240
Drugs takets to a more fun place. Right, they all

245
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:10,519
work the same way. They don't explain behavior, They shield

246
00:19:10,559 --> 00:19:14,440
us from it. They give us something external to point

247
00:19:15,519 --> 00:19:20,240
at when we're looking inward and it feels uncomfortable. Nah,

248
00:19:20,319 --> 00:19:24,839
I was drunk, I was high. If it was alcohol,

249
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,880
I don't have to ask what I was avoiding because

250
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,839
it was the alcohol. If it's anger, who wants to

251
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:37,599
look underneath the fear? If it was anger, I don't

252
00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:40,720
want to have to look at the fear underneath. If

253
00:19:40,759 --> 00:19:45,240
it was stress, I don't have to face how overwhelmed

254
00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:50,880
I really am in any situation. And here's the thing.

255
00:19:51,599 --> 00:20:00,519
Any of these explanations. They're not wrong, they're just incomplete.

256
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:05,799
They protect us from shame and they block growth at

257
00:20:05,799 --> 00:20:10,720
the same time. Shield can keep you safe, right Captain America,

258
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,920
But you can't move forward while you're hiding behind it

259
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:18,160
no matter what it is. And when you say I

260
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:22,920
didn't mean to and it feels sufficient, you're saying I

261
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,519
didn't mean to because it protects how we see ourselves.

262
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:40,079
It measures us that we're still a good person. Here's

263
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:44,000
why saying I didn't mean to feel sufficient, but it

264
00:20:44,039 --> 00:20:49,440
really isn't. Saying I didn't mean to feels sufficient because

265
00:20:49,559 --> 00:20:53,680
it protects how we see ourselves. It reassures us that

266
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,680
we're still a good person. I'm still good, come on,

267
00:20:56,839 --> 00:21:03,640
you know me. But it only explains us to ourselves.

268
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:07,000
It doesn't undo the impact on someone else. I didn't

269
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,680
mean it, I was drunk, but it doesn't. The impact

270
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:16,519
is still there. When we stop an intent, we get

271
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:22,000
emotional relief without real accountability. I didn't intend for that

272
00:21:22,079 --> 00:21:25,640
to be that way, and then we stopped there. Growth

273
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,359
starts when we're willing to care about the impact, even

274
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,440
when our intent was good. Right you ever have that

275
00:21:32,599 --> 00:21:35,680
even in a sober moment you say something that's like,

276
00:21:35,759 --> 00:21:38,400
that's not how I intended it. But when we start

277
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:43,359
to care about that, that's when growth comes. Excuses truly,

278
00:21:43,599 --> 00:21:47,319
they are emotional painkillers. Man. They work quickly and they

279
00:21:47,319 --> 00:21:56,960
block any healing right. Sometimes it's alcohol. I was drinking.

280
00:21:57,079 --> 00:22:01,200
Sometimes it's emotion. I was angry. Sometimes stress, I've had

281
00:22:01,319 --> 00:22:04,680
a lot going on. Sometimes it's personality. That's just how

282
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:08,240
I am. It's Boby and Bob. Now just Boby and Bob.

283
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:15,039
Bob gets away with anything. Sometimes it's intent, I didn't

284
00:22:15,079 --> 00:22:20,279
mean it like that. Different words, same function. They help

285
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:27,440
us feel better without asking us to change. They move

286
00:22:27,559 --> 00:22:32,759
responsibility away from the self and onto something outside of us.

287
00:22:34,559 --> 00:22:38,160
They lower the emotional pressure of the moment, and they

288
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:43,559
let us stop asking harder questions. Different excuses, all of them,

289
00:22:44,519 --> 00:22:53,319
same function. They give us relief without resolution. I'm going

290
00:22:53,400 --> 00:23:00,839
to ask these questions slowly and obviously they're rhetorical, but

291
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:04,160
think about them. What part of me becomes harder to

292
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:12,559
regulate when I drink? It's gonna be your self esteem.

293
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:20,599
I don't know what feeling am I trying? What feeling

294
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:26,000
am I trying not to feel? What pattern does this

295
00:23:26,079 --> 00:23:33,200
moment belong to. What would responsibility look like without punishment.

296
00:23:39,559 --> 00:23:45,000
Alcohol didn't cause the harm, It revealed where attention was needed.

297
00:23:46,559 --> 00:23:51,279
Growth doesn't come from excuses or self attack. It comes

298
00:23:52,559 --> 00:24:00,480
from the courage to look beneath the moment. I Bill

299
00:24:00,559 --> 00:24:13,759
Moran will see you tomorrow.