WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:04.960 Weird. 2 00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:58.920 We welcome back midnight viewers to Father Malone's weekly round up. 3 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:02.600 I'm Father and with me wearing her brand new shiny 4 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:07.159 collar is missus ripley Jean? Will you sound a kind 5 00:01:07.159 --> 00:01:09.879 of musical? Do we need a theme song? What am 6 00:01:09.879 --> 00:01:12.159 I talking about? We have a theme song one that 7 00:01:12.200 --> 00:01:14.480 a student listener, Chris Haggerty, wrote in to say that 8 00:01:14.519 --> 00:01:17.799 it reminded him of the interstitial music from John Carpenter's 9 00:01:17.799 --> 00:01:21.280 assault on Precinct thirteen, which is exactly what it's meant 10 00:01:21.319 --> 00:01:23.959 to evoke. Good on you and thank you once again 11 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:26.200 to HP for that theme. What are we talking about 12 00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:26.640 this week? 13 00:01:27.040 --> 00:01:27.359 You know what? 14 00:01:27.439 --> 00:01:29.400 No, I don't think I have mentioned your brother. Have 15 00:01:29.480 --> 00:01:33.000 I mentioned Norman Bates on this podcast yet? Norman is 16 00:01:33.079 --> 00:01:36.719 a freaky LIIKOI cat. Those are more commonly referred to 17 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:40.159 as werewolf cats, which is an appropriate name. It's like 18 00:01:40.239 --> 00:01:43.079 being in an American werewolf in London all the time. 19 00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:46.680 When Norman was around in more ways than one last week, 20 00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:48.239 I said, Hey, do you want to go outside and 21 00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:50.719 go potty? And he turned and he said, didn't you 22 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:54.200 mean the lou And I said no, I meant potty 23 00:01:54.280 --> 00:01:56.439 like a brat would use because you're a fucking brat. 24 00:01:56.480 --> 00:01:59.079 And then we both said see you next Wednesday, bitch, 25 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:00.719 and I thought we were going to kill each other. 26 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:03.680 But it turns out that that Freaky Friday movie was right. 27 00:02:04.159 --> 00:02:06.000 If you say the same thing at the same time 28 00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:09.639 with the same intent, it causes magic. Except if you 29 00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:12.120 say see you next Wednesday at the same time, it 30 00:02:12.199 --> 00:02:15.240 conjures up John Landis and he just immediately starts talking 31 00:02:15.280 --> 00:02:18.759 about Lon Cheney. It diffused the situation, and I'm thankful, 32 00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:21.599 But man, he made us watch Kelly's Heroes and he 33 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:25.879 did a running commentary. Oh he was exhausting anyway. Speaking 34 00:02:25.879 --> 00:02:28.599 of werewolves, this would have been Rip's picked this week 35 00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:32.280 if I could have smuggled her into the theater to know. 36 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:35.759 Neither your brother nor sister are interested in forming a 37 00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:39.680 pantomime human to sneak into movies with you. Wait wait, 38 00:02:40.199 --> 00:02:41.800 Norman says he'll do it, but he wants to be 39 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:44.319 the head and shoulders. I'd actually love to see that. 40 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:47.719 You'd be like some kind of wolf man. 41 00:02:57.400 --> 00:03:15.479 Right now, we're gonna hello, Could anyone hear me? 42 00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:22.159 Hello? We were in an accident, Daddy, We're gonna die. 43 00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:26.879 No, it's my job to protect you and we. 44 00:03:26.120 --> 00:03:33.000 We were at to act. I think my husband was infected. 45 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:52.599 Back daddy, Daddy, what's wrong with daddy? 46 00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:54.680 She got sick? 47 00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:06.240 What is happening to week? Can you understand me? 48 00:04:10.199 --> 00:04:11.879 Yeah, you're you're. 49 00:04:13.479 --> 00:04:14.280 You're scaring me. 50 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:30.920 Daddy's mean. Sorry, Mommy is coming. 51 00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:54.199 The current state of the studio system is wildly depressing 52 00:04:54.680 --> 00:04:56.879 to think there was a time if a gangster picture 53 00:04:56.920 --> 00:04:59.560 was coming from the Warner Brothers, it was probably gonna 54 00:04:59.560 --> 00:05:02.360 be aces, or that if a musical bore the roaring 55 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:05.480 Lion of MGM, you were in for a treat. Or 56 00:05:05.560 --> 00:05:08.519 that torch Lady Front in Columbia, she'd be announcing a 57 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:12.439 hell of a Western But horror, Oh my goodness, oh 58 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:16.720 my badness. There were other studios that dabbled, looking at you, RKO, 59 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:20.079 but really there was only one game in town, and 60 00:05:20.160 --> 00:05:24.759 that was Universal Pictures. The literal murderer's row of boogeymen 61 00:05:24.839 --> 00:05:27.399 they gave us would come to symbolize horror in the 62 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:32.759 twentieth century. Dracula, Frankenstein, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The 63 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:36.759 Invisible Man, The Phantom of the Opera, The Bride of Frankenstein, 64 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.680 The Mummy, Doctor Jekil and mister Hyde, the Creature from 65 00:05:40.680 --> 00:05:43.360 the Black Lagoon, and the Wolfman. 66 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:46.040 Oh you've got a Wolfman impression? Ah? 67 00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:53.279 How after last week's Lorne Michael's I Am All Ears, 68 00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:57.759 Good Girl leew and l Knows tension After two decades 69 00:05:57.800 --> 00:06:01.120 of pretty decent scare shows, the open seen here has 70 00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:03.879 a camera move that made me giggle at how skillfully 71 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:08.439 it manipulated me. Bravo oneell. The goal in both The 72 00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.959 Invisible Man and here in Wolfman, not the wolf Man, 73 00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:15.560 just wolf Man, seems to be to drag those characters 74 00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:19.120 into the twenty first century. Invisible Man is easier than 75 00:06:19.160 --> 00:06:21.560 most because you don't have to deal with the supernatural. 76 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:24.720 It's always been a mad scientist. Now a suit of 77 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:27.439 cameras that project what's behind you on the surface is 78 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:31.519 just as plausible now as the bleaching properties of monocane 79 00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:34.639 were to audiences in the original. So it's amusing that 80 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:37.360 he sets this film in a cabin isolated in the 81 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:41.480 wilds of Oregon, conveniently allowing the first of all modern 82 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:45.120 horror checklist items to be marked present can't get any 83 00:06:45.160 --> 00:06:49.279 cell service out here, shocker, but at least that's a 84 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:52.079 clear choice that the film has made the rest of 85 00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:55.560 its motivations are about as opaque as any window seems 86 00:06:55.600 --> 00:06:58.639 to be in this film. That is ultimately going to 87 00:06:58.680 --> 00:07:02.120 be the theme. By the way, movement without clarity, the 88 00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:04.040 whole thing is set up. I should mention with an 89 00:07:04.120 --> 00:07:06.360 opening crawl that tells us, you know what, I'm just 90 00:07:06.360 --> 00:07:09.399 going to read the entire word salad here. In early 91 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:13.319 nineteen ninety five, a hiker disappeared in the isolated mountains 92 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:17.480 of central Oregon. After several observations, some members of the 93 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:20.279 isolated community, have you got an the idea that it's isolated, 94 00:07:20.279 --> 00:07:23.120 that's twice began to speculate that the missing man had 95 00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:27.519 contracted a virus transmitted my animals that they call He'll fever. 96 00:07:28.120 --> 00:07:32.199 The indigenous peoples who preceded them called it differently, mouth 97 00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:35.879 of the Wolf. Okay, so that's a cheat right there. 98 00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:38.800 From the get go. I want this to be plausible, 99 00:07:38.839 --> 00:07:42.240 but also, you know, it could be spooky, supernatural stuff. 100 00:07:42.759 --> 00:07:43.199 I don't know. 101 00:07:43.879 --> 00:07:47.160 Yeah, it turns you into a wolf, but that's completely scientific. 102 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:48.720 Okay. 103 00:07:49.160 --> 00:07:51.439 This story is about an out of work writer whose 104 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:55.319 real career is super dad. That's right, He'll buy you 105 00:07:55.480 --> 00:07:58.519 everything in the gift shop of the museum and take 106 00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:01.399 you to ice cream afterwards. But he has a bit 107 00:08:01.439 --> 00:08:04.360 of a temper, so maybe this is an allegory for 108 00:08:04.399 --> 00:08:08.240 domestic violence, though between parent and child here as opposed 109 00:08:08.279 --> 00:08:12.040 to spouse to spouse, like Invisible Man could be, seems 110 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:15.319 a totally legitimate path to follow. There's trouble at home though. 111 00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:17.920 He and his wife have reached that convenient place in 112 00:08:17.959 --> 00:08:21.680 movies where they've grown distant, but without any real discernible 113 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:24.519 reason to be pointed to. It's just one of those 114 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:27.879 generally drifted apart that is in most flicks conveniently solved 115 00:08:27.879 --> 00:08:31.600 with a declaration of love scenarios. Is there jealousy because 116 00:08:31.639 --> 00:08:35.080 she's a working journalist and he's unemployed. That's attack you 117 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:38.480 could hang the film on. So Blake, that's the lead 118 00:08:38.559 --> 00:08:40.919 character's name. I had to look it up. A side 119 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:44.200 of being superdad and somewhat estranged from his wife, has 120 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:47.559 just received word that his dad, missing for an indeterminate 121 00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:50.600 amount of time, has been declared dead and his personal 122 00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:54.159 effects have been passed down. That's the cabin in the forest, 123 00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:57.159 So off they go. Does this make this like straw 124 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:00.879 Dogs about the thin veneer of society that covers up 125 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:04.440 animal instinct. Hell of a theme to explore. You can 126 00:09:04.480 --> 00:09:07.559 figure out where this is going. Blake is bitten or scratched. 127 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:10.759 Let's say he's wounded, and then the fun begins, or 128 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:13.000 it would if the film had any interest in that. 129 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.559 It is a great setup. There's a monster patrolling the exterior, 130 00:09:16.679 --> 00:09:19.759 waiting to pounce and attempting to gain entrance, while your 131 00:09:19.799 --> 00:09:24.240 spouse is slowly becoming that very same beast. Maybe Oneell, 132 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:28.320 being Australian, didn't see the fucking super obvious allegory he 133 00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:31.559 could have pursued here. I mean, in general, tell me 134 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:34.000 a relationship you've been in where over time you feel 135 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:37.080 the person has changed, or maybe you've changed and they haven't. 136 00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:40.399 That is worth exploring. Never mind the current state of 137 00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.559 affairs here in the United States, where we no longer 138 00:09:43.679 --> 00:09:45.200 recognize our friends. 139 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:46.000 And loved ones. 140 00:09:46.440 --> 00:09:48.919 So what is the movie about? According to one l 141 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:52.159 in every interview I've listened to, it's about disease. 142 00:09:53.159 --> 00:09:53.559 That's it. 143 00:09:54.440 --> 00:09:56.919 Sure, there are nods to all the possibles I mentioned, 144 00:09:56.919 --> 00:09:59.759 but the fact is Whenell's big innovation for the werewolf 145 00:09:59.799 --> 00:10:03.399 may is to make it the fly. Because that is 146 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:07.080 the film that this most resembles all the way through. 147 00:10:07.480 --> 00:10:10.159 The problem is you can feel one L straining over 148 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:13.200 the weight that meant the invisible man. I'll bet dollars 149 00:10:13.240 --> 00:10:15.200 to donuts that one L sat down to write a 150 00:10:15.200 --> 00:10:18.240 thriller and framed it in the most relatable way possible, 151 00:10:18.600 --> 00:10:21.919 a controlling relationship. It's a potent idea on its own, 152 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.799 but the timing of the film's release crested the me 153 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:28.039 too wave and gave the film a gravitas that may 154 00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:31.279 not have been entirely earned, or maybe it was. In 155 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:35.879 any event, that's not something you can replicate spontaneously. The 156 00:10:35.919 --> 00:10:38.399 Fly can be taken as a very real allegory for 157 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:41.120 the AIDS epidemic. It was in the right place, at 158 00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:43.639 the right time, with the right subject matter. But the 159 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:47.120 fact is Cronenberg had been dabbling in body horror all along. 160 00:10:47.639 --> 00:10:49.519 I suspect if he had made The Fly in nineteen 161 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:52.360 seventy nine, it would have been remarkably similar to the 162 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:55.080 film that we received, though it would have been viewed 163 00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:58.240 through whatever lens was popular at that moment. So one 164 00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.120 L doubles and triples down here, throwing out all of 165 00:11:01.159 --> 00:11:03.360 these possibles of what he's trying to say about the 166 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:06.200 wolf Man without focusing on any of them at all, 167 00:11:06.600 --> 00:11:09.759 which is fine if it has good scares, which it does, 168 00:11:10.279 --> 00:11:15.200 and interesting characters, which it does not. I won't spoil 169 00:11:15.240 --> 00:11:17.320 that or really anything else, but I will say, because 170 00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:19.960 one hell wants this to be science based, if a 171 00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:24.200 character loses a foot, they don't become faster you dig. 172 00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:28.639 More likely they bleed out after two minutes tops, no 173 00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:30.120 silver bullet required. 174 00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:31.000 Listen. 175 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:33.600 I didn't get behind the mic glow those many years 176 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:36.960 ago with the intention of contributing to the endless waves 177 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:39.919 of negativity out there. In fact, what spurred me to 178 00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:43.120 start broadcasting in the first place was the preponderance of 179 00:11:43.200 --> 00:11:46.960 shows laser focused on the shredding of movies to pieces 180 00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:50.679 just bread and circus bullshit. It may be why my 181 00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:53.320 focus tends to hover on the things I love. I've 182 00:11:53.320 --> 00:11:55.639 got a brain jam packed with so much stupid movie 183 00:11:55.679 --> 00:11:57.879 knowledge that it wouldn't hurt to spread some of it 184 00:11:57.919 --> 00:12:02.240 around and recommend things people might actually find diverting. But 185 00:12:02.440 --> 00:12:06.679 then I started reviewing contemporary entertainment and things get dicey, 186 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:10.200 which is a long winded way of apology. This show 187 00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:14.000 isn't about snark unless I'm pushed, and goddamn it, the 188 00:12:14.120 --> 00:12:17.200 entertainment gods are pushing me like well, like you do 189 00:12:17.320 --> 00:12:18.639 rip when you're trying to get a treat out of 190 00:12:18.679 --> 00:12:19.000 my hands. 191 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:21.279 No, I don't have a treat right now. 192 00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:31.080 Hit at HP K, thank you hp it's raining men, 193 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:33.679 am I right? Remember just a couple of episodes ago, 194 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:37.000 when I was telling tales of fandom past, back when 195 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:39.799 the Star Trek fans were the assholes and Star Wars 196 00:12:39.840 --> 00:12:42.799 fans the underdogs. And even though those roles have now 197 00:12:42.840 --> 00:12:46.360 reversed and Star Wars fandom has become toxic, it has 198 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:49.200 still managed to produce two shows worthy of the Star 199 00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:53.320 Wars name well that Upside Down Bizarro World, or in 200 00:12:53.360 --> 00:12:57.039 this case, the Mirror Universe just keeps right on hurtling 201 00:12:57.120 --> 00:13:00.519 through the cosmos. In my mind, Star Trek has always 202 00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:04.759 had something of quality on at all times until Voyager anyway, 203 00:13:04.840 --> 00:13:07.360 that show was terrible, but Star Trek has always been 204 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:10.279 hit or miss. This was a film franchise marked by 205 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:13.679 the fact that the even films were good. That means 206 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:17.080 the odd films were bad. So maybe Star Trek fans 207 00:13:17.120 --> 00:13:19.600 are a little more flexible given the mutability of the 208 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:23.360 show's quality over the years, or the quality of the shows. 209 00:13:24.080 --> 00:13:27.960 Here are my Starfleet credentials. I'm fluent in the original series, 210 00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:32.799 the animated series, Next Gen, and most of Deep Space nine. 211 00:13:32.879 --> 00:13:36.159 I watched Voyager intermittently until seven of nine showed up, 212 00:13:36.320 --> 00:13:39.799 and then with a little more regularity. Nice work, Brandon Braga, 213 00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:43.639 and then there's Enterprise. There was so much I like 214 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:46.480 about that show, or wanted to like about that show, 215 00:13:46.559 --> 00:13:50.000 but the completely interchangeable white guy Bridge crew was so 216 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:55.200 fucking dull man. No complaints about DePaul, No complaints with 217 00:13:55.240 --> 00:13:58.320 the continued use of Jeffrey Combs as an Andorian. He 218 00:13:58.360 --> 00:14:01.039 should be in all the Star Trek's dummies. He's a 219 00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:04.879 good luck charm. Treat him like Ratzenberger is treated by Pixar. 220 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:08.799 Do I have to mention the opening song. I'm gonna 221 00:14:08.799 --> 00:14:10.639 have to mention the opening song. It's one of the 222 00:14:10.679 --> 00:14:14.519 best track credit sequences with the fucking worst possible piece 223 00:14:14.519 --> 00:14:18.399 of music. It's like they hired Mike Post circa nineteen eighty. 224 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:19.559 Five to compose that. Diddy. 225 00:14:19.679 --> 00:14:22.200 I know there's a working theory of failing upwards, so 226 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:25.039 it makes sense that one person can constantly bumble their 227 00:14:25.120 --> 00:14:27.960 way to top creative positions. But this isn't the work 228 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:31.120 of one person. There were many just to decide, hey, 229 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:33.799 let's do a song that'd be different, and then they 230 00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:36.480 hired someone, and then they handed in a demo, and 231 00:14:36.519 --> 00:14:39.240 then they listened to that demo and said, yeah, that's 232 00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:42.519 the sound of Star Trek in song form. Even if 233 00:14:42.519 --> 00:14:45.600 it's three or four dunderheads, even if it were only them, 234 00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:47.519 then the fact that it gone on the air would 235 00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:50.360 make sense. But now that song has to be recorded, 236 00:14:50.919 --> 00:14:54.320 Musicians and vocalists have to be hired, time is booked 237 00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:57.799 at a studio, and engineers services are engaged. How many 238 00:14:57.799 --> 00:15:02.039 people is that now? No pushback? Okay, so maybe none 239 00:15:02.039 --> 00:15:04.480 of those people are really affiliated with Star Trek. There's 240 00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:07.720 session people and contractors. Not their job to comment on 241 00:15:07.799 --> 00:15:10.279 the material. It's to do as they're told and cast 242 00:15:10.279 --> 00:15:12.840 the check. But then that song has to be laid 243 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:16.639 into the show over those credits where the credits designed 244 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:20.480 around the song. What a terrible thought. Now, how many 245 00:15:20.519 --> 00:15:23.279 people haven't opened their mouths and said the fucking obvious. 246 00:15:23.519 --> 00:15:26.000 I'm sure I could find the actual answers to these questions, 247 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:29.159 but I'm treating them hypothetically because there is no decent 248 00:15:29.200 --> 00:15:31.960 reason for that fucking song to exist. Because of it, 249 00:15:32.039 --> 00:15:35.600 there is no streaming skip credits button fast enough to 250 00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:39.080 get me to rewatch that series. Enterprise really took the 251 00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:41.519 joy out of the show for me for quite a while. 252 00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:44.080 That in the fact that it found itself in between 253 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:49.320 Insurrection and Nemesis. I mean, seriously, that's a fucking terrible sandwich. 254 00:15:49.559 --> 00:15:53.159 I mentioned failing Upward. Well, meet Alex Kurtzman. He and 255 00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:56.320 his partner Robert Orsey have been responsible for so much 256 00:15:56.440 --> 00:15:59.519 fucking mediocrity in the last twenty years. It is staggering, 257 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:03.639 jumping from that Kevin Sorbo Hercules series to the Island, 258 00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:07.919 that fucking awful Michael Bay film. From there to Transformers. 259 00:16:08.360 --> 00:16:11.399 You know, when everyone was saying Michael Bay ruined their childhood, 260 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:14.759 even though that movie made billions and spawned too many sequels, 261 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:18.360 that script was by our man Alex Kurtzman. To be fair, 262 00:16:18.399 --> 00:16:20.919 he also wrote the horrible scripts for the Amazing Spider 263 00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:24.240 Man two and The Mummy with Tom Cruise, which is 264 00:16:24.320 --> 00:16:27.320 hilarious considering that film was meant to kick off Universal's 265 00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:30.840 misbegotten Dark Universe, where they were attempting to turn the 266 00:16:30.919 --> 00:16:34.840 Universal Monsters into the Avengers, a concept that was considered 267 00:16:34.879 --> 00:16:40.200 dead until the surprise success of Leewanel's Invisible Man. Somewhere 268 00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:44.159 between Transformers and The Mummy, a terrible thing happened. This 269 00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:48.440 guy got hold of Star Trek, starting with jj abrams 270 00:16:48.440 --> 00:16:51.519 remake of Star Wars as Star Trek in two thousand nine. 271 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:55.960 Kurtzman has been there for everything track since. There were 272 00:16:55.960 --> 00:16:58.080 a few writers on that first film, so I can't 273 00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:00.600 say for sure who did what I'm gonna say the 274 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:04.440 notion of exiling Kirk on a random planet that they're passing, 275 00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:07.640 where he then gets chased by a beast into a cave, 276 00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:11.519 where he then runs into alternate timeline Spock, who has 277 00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:14.960 just so happened to set up shop there a veritable 278 00:17:15.039 --> 00:17:19.039 dais I Spakina, Shut up. I lay the blame for 279 00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:22.279 that nonsense on Kurtzman. When I saw his name was 280 00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:24.759 attached to the first new series in over a decade, 281 00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:29.440 my expectations were not high. So when Star Trek Discovery 282 00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:33.039 hit the airwaves, I was shocked. I loved it. I 283 00:17:33.079 --> 00:17:35.640 loved setting it just prior to the original series. I 284 00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:38.599 loved the aesthetic, I loved the characters. I loved having 285 00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:43.119 a complicated, shaded, and potentially morally corrupt character as a lead. 286 00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:47.200 I loved the Klingon double Agent, the whole Mirror Universe thing. 287 00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:50.920 Everything in that season was aces. I didn't finish the 288 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:53.359 second season. It just felt off. 289 00:17:54.119 --> 00:17:54.839 What happened? 290 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:59.160 Oh, Brian Fuller, the creator of the Hannibal television series, 291 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:03.359 The creator the American Gods television series. That Brian Fuller, 292 00:18:03.720 --> 00:18:07.519 the one in the JJ Abrams verse with actual talent, 293 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:11.119 the one who apparently kept nagging Paramount that Star Trek 294 00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:14.400 is a television based franchise and maybe they should get 295 00:18:14.440 --> 00:18:17.319 back to it, and apparently pitched a series that would 296 00:18:17.319 --> 00:18:20.519 base its model on American horror story, with each season 297 00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:24.039 being self contained and set in different eras of Starfleet 298 00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:27.799 season one before the original series, season two, during the 299 00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:32.200 original series, season three, during Next Generation, and on and 300 00:18:32.279 --> 00:18:35.559 on into the future we've yet to see. Paramount had 301 00:18:35.640 --> 00:18:38.119 him streamline it down to one timeline, so instead of 302 00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:41.359 plotting out different stories in different eras, he plotted out 303 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:45.640 one season of Discovery and then bailed, leaving us with 304 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:50.160 Kurtzman and leaving Kurtzman and Discovery adrift for all seasons 305 00:18:50.200 --> 00:18:54.039 going forward now This might be a shame on me scenario, 306 00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:57.759 because even with all of that precedent, all those terrible 307 00:18:57.799 --> 00:19:00.559 stories and half bank characters and lapses in logic and 308 00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:03.200 everything the man has written. When I heard he was 309 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:06.480 making a series about a Black Ops division of Starfleet, 310 00:19:07.200 --> 00:19:08.319 I kind of got excited. 311 00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:10.079 No, not kind of. 312 00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:13.599 The idea of a gritty and oranth series set in 313 00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:17.640 and around the Star Trek universe is really fucking tantalizing. 314 00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:21.039 Did I say shame on me? This is Star Trek 315 00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:27.039 Section thirty one. 316 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:32.039 Here's a customer, hope it for a word with you? 317 00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:36.920 Bring him? 318 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:39.720 What are you doing in my space station? I'm giving 319 00:19:39.759 --> 00:19:41.359 you a chance to get back in on the action 320 00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:44.920 on a galactic scale. 321 00:19:45.960 --> 00:19:49.839 What a cute idea. 322 00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:53.319 The only way this works is if I know exactly 323 00:19:53.400 --> 00:19:54.319 what I'm dealing with. 324 00:19:54.599 --> 00:20:00.359 We're facing a threat unlike anything Starfleet's ever seen. Millions 325 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:01.519 of lives are at stake. 326 00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:05.119 Gather your people who are going to need every one 327 00:20:05.160 --> 00:20:09.759 of them. Thirty one is a Black Ops Division spy work. 328 00:20:10.440 --> 00:20:12.920 It's just a place for people to lend the rules. 329 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:14.880 Start leaders here to make sure no one commits murder. 330 00:20:17.640 --> 00:20:22.359 Whatever you believed your mission was it's worse than you thought. 331 00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:26.759 How do we stop it? 332 00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:32.200 We work together and don't get dead. I'll try my hurtest. 333 00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:38.200 You. Ready, let's get messy. 334 00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:42.200 You don't answer her questions directly, she will punch you 335 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:42.920 in your face. 336 00:20:43.319 --> 00:20:46.400 What you said that she was going to be doing 337 00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:47.279 a face punching. 338 00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:51.759 You have no idea what you've started. 339 00:20:56.240 --> 00:21:04.640 This is gonna be bad or record one, We survived 340 00:21:04.799 --> 00:21:17.079 together Article fourteen, Section thirty one. In times of extreme threat, 341 00:21:17.319 --> 00:21:21.519 extraordinary measures must be taken. That's the Starfleet charter y'all. 342 00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:25.359 Section thirty one is basically the Wetworks division of the CIA. 343 00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:28.480 We first met them on Deep Space nine, where they 344 00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:32.720 were represented by William Fuckin Sadler. That's death in Bill 345 00:21:32.759 --> 00:21:35.880 and Ted talk about tantalizing. Why didn't they spin the 346 00:21:35.880 --> 00:21:39.119 shit off immediately? I'm sure section thirty one showed up 347 00:21:39.160 --> 00:21:41.720 in the comics and novels and all of the other apocrypha, 348 00:21:41.960 --> 00:21:44.680 but we wouldn't really get them again on screen until 349 00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:48.480 Star Trek into Darkness, and there they were hardly themselves, 350 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:51.359 not a clandestine thing at all. They were like some 351 00:21:51.519 --> 00:21:54.839 insurrectionist group with an admiral and a giant fucking Starship 352 00:21:54.920 --> 00:21:59.359 marauding around speaking of into Darkness screenplay by Alex Kurtzman. 353 00:21:59.640 --> 00:22:02.279 There's a scene where Spock has turned in Kirk for 354 00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:05.680 some infraction, and before Kirk is able to save the 355 00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:10.519 day by throwing a fire hose into the intake of 356 00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:15.079 a spacecraft's engine, a fire hose on a spool in 357 00:22:15.119 --> 00:22:18.960 the twenty third fucking century. Before that piece of anachronistic idiocy, 358 00:22:19.240 --> 00:22:23.559 Kirk refers to Spock's betrayal as being thrown under the bus. 359 00:22:23.960 --> 00:22:24.559 What bus? 360 00:22:25.119 --> 00:22:28.279 What the fuck are you talking about? Spaceboy? Oh right, 361 00:22:28.400 --> 00:22:31.519 the writers are fucking terrible. That line shouldn't have bothered 362 00:22:31.559 --> 00:22:33.480 me as much as it did, but it did. I'm 363 00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:37.039 fucking furious about it right now, recalling it. At no 364 00:22:37.160 --> 00:22:40.319 point during the writing, reading, rereading, handing the script to 365 00:22:40.359 --> 00:22:42.680 others to read and sign off on, and then crew 366 00:22:42.680 --> 00:22:46.160 members to build things and actors to interpret them, and 367 00:22:46.200 --> 00:22:49.240 no one says, hey, this thing no one was saying 368 00:22:49.400 --> 00:22:51.960 last year. We're sure they're going to still be saying 369 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:55.759 it two hundred years from now, right, fuck you. Section 370 00:22:55.839 --> 00:22:58.480 thirty one is a wash in that kind of dialogue. 371 00:22:58.759 --> 00:23:01.799 Remember the Delvins in Star Trek. The motion pictured the 372 00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:05.599 bald girl, super sexy. She was a Delvin They've got 373 00:23:05.640 --> 00:23:08.519 one here, and Michelle Yeo calls her a honey trap 374 00:23:09.960 --> 00:23:14.000 during the time between Kirk and Picard. The term honeytrap 375 00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:17.640 is still being used by a character from a parallel dimension. 376 00:23:18.279 --> 00:23:21.200 She was an emperor there, grew up knowing nothing but 377 00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:25.720 pain and blood and murder, eventually becoming a genocidal emperor 378 00:23:25.880 --> 00:23:30.000 before finding her way into our universe somewhere between slaughtering 379 00:23:30.039 --> 00:23:33.880 her own immediate family mom, dad, little brother and attempting 380 00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:38.119 a coup. In our universe, Emperor Philippa Giorgio learned and 381 00:23:38.200 --> 00:23:43.319 still employs in casual conversation the term honey trap. If 382 00:23:43.319 --> 00:23:46.279 that fucking anachronism doesn't grab you, how about calling a 383 00:23:46.319 --> 00:23:49.880 guy in a mech suit a Swiss army knife a 384 00:23:50.039 --> 00:23:57.039 what Swiss? What's that? That emperor played by Michelle ye 385 00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:00.799 first appeared on that well plotted first season of Discs. 386 00:24:00.839 --> 00:24:03.680 Evidently Michelle Yo enjoyed playing her so much that it 387 00:24:03.759 --> 00:24:07.480 was her suggestion for a spinoff series, So in a way, 388 00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:10.599 we weren't getting a section thirty one series without her. 389 00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:14.720 But I question her involvement here, not her the character 390 00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:18.200 adding the former emperor to a morally questionable part of 391 00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:21.920 the United Federation of Planets seems like a natural, but 392 00:24:21.960 --> 00:24:25.599 the opening scene of this movie illustrates exactly why she isn't. 393 00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:28.480 That's where she murders her family and his crowned emperor 394 00:24:28.680 --> 00:24:32.599 while simultaneously branding and breaking the spirit of her only rival, 395 00:24:32.799 --> 00:24:36.039 who happens to be her lover. This character is too 396 00:24:36.079 --> 00:24:38.519 grand and has too big an arc to be running 397 00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:42.279 around and scooby dooing week after week. I keep saying 398 00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:45.480 series because that's what this was supposed to be, and 399 00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:48.240 they were as far along as having the entire first 400 00:24:48.279 --> 00:24:52.119 season scripted, and then there were delays and pandemics in 401 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.000